#how you deal w being forced to do that. theres a reason they need therapy. even if it comes at a cost

[shreddeddescent]

ok ok one last insanity check for everyone ok this is a lil different. like lemme just say im clearly someone who likes to go to the dark zone but also try and claw my way back out. i do sappy funny shit most of the time. and the writing of this thing has gotten long and insane, timelines have jumped as i try and parse events. as in i started w a scenario where raph nearly got sold out to his father and is rescued by his brothers immediately. we go to a place where he wasnt and is rescued later. theres been inbetweens where hes rescued but bad things happen despite that. all of this has led me to like his inner turmoils (diagnosis) and the other characters inner turmoils more. how they feel about each other how theyve coped. its good to jump around so im glad i havent said too much as if its all set in stone. im glad im not trying to write a fanfiction to SHARE if that makes sense.

my current shit that has gotten the longest was from the worst case scenario of his lack of rescue and i feel like... i dont need to say what that was? but i think i should point out that descent has a second meaning. its not just the spiralling downward, its also the root word of descendant. that was my feeling about the poetry of it.

so ill say i do feel like im in the danger zone of being fucking murdered for this but i wanna say it anyway cuz i think itll be ok. i think you guys will get it cuz ur being nice. im exploring shit and having fun. it gets raw, it gets hard, but its working out.

so i started writing this au as "ok so heres a scene where raph is just hanging out w casey, hes trying to tell her to control her anger, and theyre fighting a bit. and he fucking flashes back and realized hes a csa victim. let the story unravel from there"

and im currently in the. insane writing area of "what if ur presumed aborted kids come back from the future/pocket dimension to take care of u cuz theyre like 30 and have coped w what they are and know you have no adults around who give a shit. and theyre amazing and kind and want to help you."

shits.......... gone off the rails. idk what else to say. i am having fun exploring insanity and seeing if i can reign it in. if i didnt do that i wouldnt have come up w half the shit i have. so like. uh. idk if youll see anything of said thing okay. its weird i know it is. but honestly i feel like the insanity and seeing how real i can make it feel, how i can parse feelings over it is working well. maybe this all sounds spoilery or weird. i was really thinking "ill just draw out things chronologically" but im struggling with that for some reason. but this au is on my mind uh 24/7 and its good to just be like "ok, heres where my head is at, if thats not what you wanna hear about it the unfollow button is right there"

but i also feel like ive been OVERLY POINTING OUT. that this isnt a story for kids. so please try not to judge me too harshly. its just a fucking.... how insane can i go and tell you about it thing. i guess.

[princeanxious]

:) so. No one ordered it, but, I have an Logan Angst(w/ hurt/comfort to balance it out a little) au idea to deliver!

So you know those AU fics w/ Virgil where he hides smth unusual abt himself( Like wings, Spider limbs, Being unusually tall, ect.) Bc he’s afraid of what the others will think/do if they find out?

Take that and apply it to Logan, But he’s actually been hiding it ever since (AU)!Thomas became Obsessed with Marine Biology as a kid!(i genuinely cant remember what Thomas's real life degree was gonna be b4 he switched to YouTube but for the au's sake im going with marine biologist)

What’s he hiding, you ask? Fish scales, of course!

(Continued under the cut)

Logan used to wear long sleeves all the time, and Sherlock bit with the scarf was a cover up for when he used to wear it constantly when they were younger, not that Virgil(who has spider traits in this but never thought to hide them b4 he was accepted, and by that point there was no reason to) nor any of the other dark sides with animal traits knew about it either, but his body, especially his legs and hips, were covered in shimmery sapphire blue scales, and in patches around the gills on his neck and ribs.

Why doesn't Logan wear long sleeves now? Because the scales suddenly stopped reappearing (coincidentally right around the time Thomas gave up on marine biology to do youtube) on his arms the few times they'd accidentally been pulled off some how, be it bumps/scrapes or eventually Logan getting fed up w/ the illogicalness of it all and 'removing' the rest on his arms so that he could finally wear short sleeves and not raise more questions about his health.

The scales around the gills on his neck are more tragic, as they do regrow still, to keep his gills safe. He plucks them as close to the gills as possible, before wearing masking makeup & a high collar with a tie to ensure his gills never peak out from his shirt.

It limits his normal comfortable way of breathing, but hes been doing it so long that he doesnt remember what it feels like, and thus isn't bothered by it anymore, as his gills dont open up fully anymore unless submerged under water for a long period of time.

Why is he so insistant about thomas drinking the healthy recommended amount of water? Because if Logan didn’t, he'd suffer migraines and get sick from being dehydrated in easily less than half the time it'd take for Thomas or any of the others to reach

Why doesnt he ever go swimming with the others? Because if he did, there's no gaurantee his body would let him leave the water after refusing to so much as even soak in a bathtub for years at this point

Hell, his body might even go into shock at that point.

No idea how his reveal would go, but the idea of the others spraying him with water spray bottles when he is over-dry and resultingly irritable has been brought up as an additional idea by @this-is-ske(my lovely frien who lets me info dumb abt all my aus so we can shout abt them together) and my only thought is that Logan is spiteful and petty enough to snatch a spray bottle and spray them right back.

He often needs to spray himself with water, even if he’d had a shower not two hours ago, because his scales dry out very quickly and its sensory hell in combination with even the softest of dress pants.

But the years of neglect slowly turned his shimmery sapphire blue scales into dulled greyblue, as a result from being dried out and flakey and unhealthy for so long.

He tries not to think about it too hard when he's forced to look at them.

Remus wouldn’t hesitate to toss post-reveal(and post-recovery)! Logan full out into a fucking pool, or just hop into one and drag him in with. "Dry Fishies are irritated fishies, be like me! Get wet and feel better!" *Cue Remus eye brow waggle that reflects to the rest of his tentacle arms*

No but srsly remus and janus finding iut and going "oh HELL no" bc janus knows what its like to not take care of your scales properly and Remus knows what its like to dry out.

Imagine the additional angst when Janus finds out not only about the scales but the gills on his ribs and neck too, and feels SUPREMELY guilty bc of the crook yank he did

"Its fine, its not like I could breath out of them anymore, they just bruised a bit longer" *even more concerned and upset Janus noises*

"What do you mean you cant breath out of them anymore!"

" ..One day they just wouldn't open? Sort of like the equivalent of a stuffed nose, except that they never reopened because they'd fully dried out, I think."

"I swear to god Logan I wish I could strangle you," *cue Janus wapping Logan w/ a rolled up paper, Edna Mode style, lecturing* "One day! You'll understand! Self care! Is good! For you!"

Cue them finally bullying Logan into taking care of them but no longer hiding the scales as the ones on his arms start coming back, but still greyblue, bc at this point Logan doesnt even want to deal with the immediate headache of them learning right off the bat that they Shouldnt Look Like That. He doesnt even really believe that they'll ever change back to their once brilliant blue, thinking it just a fluke with their age or something.

It takes months.

And then one day he wakes up, having been sleeping in the imagination with Remus, having indulged in underwater sleeping as a healing therapy, made better only by the fact that Remus is a rly good cuddler, and his tentacles keep them both locked together in the water, *and* one anchors them so they don't drift away in their sleep.

Remus is staring at him, his chest to be exact, where new patches of scales had been growing to meet in the middle around the gills on his ribs. He looks down and notices theres an uneven patch of brilliant blue peaking out from the sea of comparably grey scales. Then he notes that multiple patches of scales are slowly regaining their hue. It doesn't take long for the others to put two and two together about sick fish with dull scales. It confirms Logan had been sick for Years, and was only Just healing to a beginning state of equilibrium.

For some comfort w/ all this angst, when Logan does see his blue scales for the first time? He smiles, he smiles so wide at Remus. Remus probably falls in love with the way Logan's gills flare out prettily in time with Logan's smile. Logans finally convinced to take care of himself, and the first glimpse of progress has him Beaming for Days.

[krajtaz]

welcome to me fixing boruto to make it make sense :) i started typing this in the tags but it was so so long anyway so. sasuke stays in konoha after the war & earns the trust of the village instead of leaving and gets help instead of isolation meaning team seven can resume being an active team after therapy bcs,,, war,,, and other stuff,, in which they actually learn to be a team!! you can't convince me that the half a year sasuke spent w them when he was 13 made them a cohesive unit ok wtf

naruto and sasuke take the fucking chunin exams wtf there’s no reason for them not to.. but it’s actually laughable because these two fucking grown 18yos, two goddamn powerhouses that could level half the country are competing against a bunch of 14yos and have to actively restrain themselves as not to kill them with a punch... then all three of them became jonin (let’s be real those three are absolutely stronger than the sannin at this point but i guess theres no higher position than jonin... ALSO the rest of konoha 11 become jonin as well??? like)

sakura teaches sasuke some medical ninjutsu because she & naruto can heal themselves but he can’t so. then they just resume acting as an active duty team operating close to the hokage, trying to smooth out things between the nations! THEN four years after the war they're like huh we're actually at peace and we can relax and live our lives!

naruto, 21 and experiencing a crisis, decides to try actually maybe doing something that doesn't relate to becoming hokage, to sasuke, or saving the world in any way & it's him who travels instead of sasuke & because i'm fixing boruto he travels w hinata and whatever whatever.

because naruto isn't there to be a buffer, sakura and sasuke are forced to interact regularly and become actual friends instead of just teammates and because sasuke now has people who actively want him to recover from his trauma he slowly learns to accept other ppl than naruto into his life. like sakura. who he finds actually pleasant to b around once she stops stanning and idolizing him and sees him as an actual person. he and sai have a kinda rocky friendship but they otherwise don’t bother each other... (sasuke gets cranky when he’s hanging out w sakura bcs sakura is his only friend and she’s not allowed to be busy)

sakura decides to put being a medic on hold and takes a genin team when shes 22 & her kids love fucking w sasuke and he lets them because they remind him of team seven :') sakura-sensei doesn’t stop them either because she thinks it’s hilarious when he’s trying to take a nap but they won’t let him, stick “kick me” notes on his back, and steal his scrolls when he isn’t looking...

sasuke mostly minds his business otherwise (he sometimes steps in as a sensei to sakuras team like yamato did for kakashi bcs he and sakura are good friends now and he can handle some kids thank you sakura) and occasionally takes some A rank missions when needed. the rest of konoha 12 begrudgingly accept him once he proves he’s an ally & he swears he doesn't like them but he actually doesn't mind their company now that he's doing better & they don't wanna kill him. “suprisingly” having other friends does him good! he patches things up with ino and apologizes (to both ino and sakura) for hurting sakura like that. kiba and shikamaru don’t completely forgive him yet but he’s trying now. he and shino have “hang out sessions” where they just sit in complete silence for an hour every two weeks.

at 23, he takes on his own genin team consisting of two twin girls and their older brother who were all orphaned in the war he's actually a good sensei now that he's had uuh seven? years of active recovery? (math brain damage) anyway this is boruto i'm fixing so he & sakura fall in love during those three years nart was away or whatever. and! wow! an actual loving relationship built on mutual respect, friendship, and trust! inovative

naruto comes back w hinata when hes 24 because he was invited to their wedding & wow he actually also had time to realize he was horribly mistreated by the village and come to terms with it during his travels making him more emotionally mature and less prone to throwing his life away for random ppl!! (also fell in love w hinata skdmdkd) and comes back after seeing how civilians live elsewhere and how other villages run and whatnot, ready to make changes after he becomes hokage

anyway they come back and naruto feels a little outta the loop bcs the village changed a lot under kakashis leadership (au where he actually does shit as hokage wow) and sasuke is marrying sakura and they BOTH have genin teams?? but then he throws the confusion back at them and says “lads hinata is actually pregnant” meaning none of them became parents at the tender age of 20,,,, like they do in canon,,

anyway naruhina gets married a year after sasusaku w little boruto present & then sarada is born a few months after the wedding but! because sasuke had enough time and love to recover he is actually a decent father who teaches his daughter about the uchiha clan! and naruto doesn't neglect his kids because of hokage duties once he takes the hat. (at the age of 34, making boruto 9 and himawari 4)

sakura doesn’t have to juggle staing home to raise her kid and being the head of a whole hospital (if i remember correctly) because sasuke is actually a present figure in hers and saradas life :) naruto gets to spend time with his children and deal with village relations without sending out clones to travel into a whole other country because shikamaru and sasuke have full authority to stand in in his absence. he spends less time running errands for random ppl (lmao what?? what was he proving by doing that??) but actually implementing changes and transforming the village for the better. that’s it.

(i’m unfortunately not even touching the whole orochimaru ordeal....wait ok let’s say he doesn’t fucking experiment on kids and instead of making yamato waste away watching him orochimaru stays in konoha under tight supervision and is allowed to idk adopt? mitsuki??... there fixed it)

anyway fuck canon stan hinata :)

[dolce-fritz]

So being the new evil girlfriend is fun

So recently my Partner has had some majorly stupid ass drama with their ex. Like this girl, she’s loopier then the Olympic oval, Like normally I’m nice and don’t slander people but like. She’s just, hoo boy. A mess.

And yeah this is from a completely biased stand point. And I’m about to tell you why that I feel the way that I do about this girl from my own experiences. This is going to be long winded, so I’m putting it under a read more. 

So I moved from the lovely state of Utah this year, my homelifes never been 100% great. I love my mom but our issues clash and we do better separate. Not to mention I really wanted to try it out in another state again and this time the right way and not just a spur of the moment decision while i visited like what happened with Florida.

Well, planned my vacation to See my at the time friend to see if I really liked it there.  I knew about their recent split with their Ex, and the two seemed pretty amicable about it. The other roommate was.... hoo, a mess to say the least. and My friend didn't want to be alone with her because they actually had been wanting to tell her to leave because of the issues that she'd brought into the home. anyways that in itself was a bit of drama.

So I was like OK. I'll come check it out and if I like it I'll be your new room mate.

Well. I plan my trip about four weeks out. and end up pretty excited about it. Come to find out with no real surprise that My friends Ex is going to move out before Octobers over.

My friend starts panicking. again doesn't wanna be alone with the other roommate that they're having hardships with. So I say ok... I'm going to do this vacation, then im just going to move on the 20th so I can get my stuff packed.

Shits already starting to go down hill.

I get there. everything seems fine. The ex seems nice, things seem ok. the other roommates.... already trying to cause shit with me and im not even physically in the house. I'm sleeping on a mattress on the floor in an old office space. bought a bunch of furniture because at this point. I know I'm moving here. Its going to happen. This is where I'm going to live might as well help my friend end up getting it taken care of.

Well. Day three of my vacation hits. The ex drops that her dad wants her to move out that day. completely screws the pooch for my friend and the other roommate. And basically bails on them and leaves the house just with the things she wants and then just leaves all the rest of her junk here like its her own storage unit. claims she’ll be back for the rest [ Spoilers never happened]  so that... right there puts this sour taste in my mouth. Cause yeah, me and her ex at that point are sharing a bed. Because like theres only three beds in the house until she ends up leaving and so my friends like ill just sleep with you. me i’m very fine sharing my sleeping space with my friends. i’ve done it literally all my life. hell a its not a goodnight sleep unless your on your best friends bed snuggling the shit out of her kaneki ken body pillow listening to true crime documentaries on the TV but like seriously it was no big deal to me. which im begining to wonder if it was a big deal to her. Either way apparently instead of waiting till i officially moved. she bailed and forced my hand. So I had to stay, I couldn’t properly say goodbye to my mom. couldn’t properly get my shit packed. all cause I really didn’t want to leave my friend alone till I could officially move in. So already, I started getting a slight distaste in my mouth for her. but I let it slide. I know how overbearing parents are sometimes.  well, so i cancelled my flights. money spent that i was never going to end up getting back that I could’ve later used towards something for the house.  The girl left. and I was left, Cleaning up the mess that she walked out of and left behind.  Turns out my friend was the only one that was cleaning up around the house. and working a part time job, while trying to side hustle some art for extra money.  They were the one that was handling all the utilities, while their ex was buying everyone food. Separate it would’ve been an easier task if it was just the two of them. but you add in the extra roommate that was only paying her share of rent and none of the food and utilities and shit starts piling up. Well.  sat down and looked at all the finances. found out that while yeah the Ex was making the most money. She didn’t bother to help out with any of the chores. I mean, they split the dish duty. And i’m sitting here wondering how long this pan of fish oils been on the stove for. had to buy new pans cause they were growing cultures.  Hell half her chores and the other roomates were doing the cat boxes. dude it was shit mountain in there. it was so bad the cats were going in the corner. Yet it was like my friend was expected to pick up after them and pick up their slack because they didn’t work as many hours as the other two. Which I’m sorry. if you can’t balance cleaning up after yourself. and working how the hell are you going to live on your own.  Well in comes me, the living off disability. [ which is not a glorious life] I have a lot of time on my hands. so first few days we douche out the house. things start looking good.  in comes the ex to get something and brings this utter douchebag of a man that boasts about him being the whole reason that they broke up. Which like when we were moving out the ex. the ex’s dads...girlfriend??? was like dont let them take advantage of you. which like made me pull up a shit ton of questionmarks. cause yeah i wasn’t going to let the other roommate do that cause i was kinda aware what her game was and it wasn’t playable with me.  everyone had their part to play in this household, and I wasn’t going to play mother for anyone. Well in comes this guy. boast about how he wont let anyone take advantage of her again and im like sure w/e dude. but like i started like... questioning wtf she was actually telling people that my friend actually did to her.  see, what i was told was that it was an intimacy issue. my friends pretty Asexual so like there wasn’t alot of physical involvement. and that things just weren’t going the way that their ex wanted them to. Turns out it was SOOOO much more then that. so curious me, got digging about this girl cause shit just wasnt really adding up.  and I started finding out things. At this time, friend started turning to partner. and eventually we started dating which made shit a lot more uncomfortable with me and this girl. cause yanno, new girlfriend. ex girlfriend. two things dont usually mesh well in situations like this.  Well so, started finding out that while in a relationship she was leading on a bunch of other guys, and at work would like do this whole “im bi” thing if the guy was cute. like she was very male centered for a “lesbian”  She was super horny on main during DND which made EVERYONE uncomfortable. to top it all off she was a narcissist, that had a victim that she could toy with.  She tried to convince my partners parents while they were still together, to talk to their child when there were behaviours that she didnt like. She tried to have an intervention with their friends to force them into transitioning FtM when they were happy just being nonbinary.  they would gaslight them, manipulate them, and  abuse them. I watched this girl in the span of three weeks tear my partner down with her words in front of me. and be nothing but venomous to them. for no other reason then they were actually happy.   While spining all these stories of how she was the one that was wronged.  Well, I started having enough of her coming around just so she could be mean to my partner. She’d come over. immediately go to our fridge to drink some of the booze she left and then pick at my partner for small insignificant things only because she wanted to fight. When i had enough of that. I told my partner, we’re going to DnD early. she can find her own ride.  She came to a family party, invited unknowingly by my partners brother that’s been over seas and in the military. She thought she was going to get a hookup complained she wasn’t having fun because he wasn’t paying attention to her. Snapped at my partners nephews because they wanted to play and made one of them cry. and was just toxic to be around.  That was strike two.  Strike three was watching how she conducted herself around our dnD group. she’d had this guy, mister “ i saved you from your bad relationship” on speed dial, and would tell him things. and then sit and shit talk him when she was bored with him to everyone. We were all sick of it.  The ending straw with me, was when we finally wanted to be done with this drama. told her three months before hand to get off the car insurance. and it wasn’t done. ended up causing a big thing.  She started saying that she’d leave the DND group to make things easier. because Thats what my partner would want. At this point i couldnt stand it any longer. Three months talking to everyone that physically knows her. and see’s what she’s becoming lead everyone to say the same thing about her She was turning into her mother.  No i know fuck all about that. i dont know her mother, i dont know anything about her. I know she’s on a shot that fucks with your brain and ends up messing with your body. I also was on the DEPO shot for three years of my life and its caused so many problems after i was off it.  and thats what i tried to impart to her my wisdom on.  therapy, and a depo shot.  now how we got there is really long winded, and highly dramatic.  id admitted to her our dnd group wanted to chat. she was pushy, respected no ones boundaries, and left our friends house a complete mess. just like she left ours... and god, she ended up pissing me off cause the girl left slippers caked in cat puke in my tub after staining my bathroom doing her hair dye. she disrespected my home, she disrespected out friends, and our friends home. and she was needlessly mean and cruel to everyone around her that didnt serve some purpose to her.  So yeah she had to go.  Here i am thinking that this is the end of it. but i get updates about how I’m apparently the worst abuser in the world just cause I told some spoiled brat of a woman to get off a shot that messes with the brain, and to seek therapy cause this girl needs help. Funny thing is im not the only one that said it. apprently just the loudest voice to have said it.  and this bitch still thinks i dont like her cause she’s not ‘ providing for us financially” We may not have a high roller life. but damn we’re doing just fucking fine. 

[pigstepmp3-moved]

the writers really did buck dirty in s01e02

its the post you’ve all been waiting for—my Aggravated Analysis Of Everything That Makes Me Mad about the Therapy Scene tm, now featuring some things that show just how emotionally and mentally fucked buck is. now, i know we All hate that scene with all of our hearts (buck deserves to have a Good experience w therapy for once, but thats just my opinion), but i wanna go into detail about what exactly makes me SEETHE about that scene, complete w gifs and screenshots so i can better explain myself. im putting it all under the cut bc its kind of A Lot, so click that “read more” if you wanna read my angry complaining

alright, lets set the scene (i know we’re all aware of the situation behind this scene, but i think its important to remind you all of it). season one episode two. bucks still very much a Huge horn dog. buck has also very recently suffered his First loss on the job and its taking a huge toll on him. i think what’s most important to talk about before we get to the therapy scene itself is the scene where abby’s watching him on the news with carla.

(not the greatest quality, but that doesnt matter). he very clearly looks uncomfortable just talking about what happened in such a Casual, No Pressure setting. he says, “i was just doing my job. i’m happy we were able to help the people we helped and i’m really sorry about those we couldn’t save.” he stutters a few times as he says it, looks and sounds very uneasy, which seems very out of character for him. he’s usually super confident and chill, but as he’s asked to talk about this (most likely) traumatic thing, he kinda clams up, yknow? theres also something in his voice that reminds me very heavily of the way My voice sounds when Im trying to force back tears, but that might just be The Way He Talks

another thing that he says that really stands out to me (i dont know if this is necessarily important to the topic at hand, but i wanna talk about it so whatever) is, “. . . um, i’m sure they’re just turned on by the uniform. you know, i don’t know if they would feel that way if they saw me out of it.” ignoring the more sexual connotations to what he’s saying there, let’s talk about what he most likely meant by that particular statement. he still sounds a little nervous as he says it and kind of avoids the reporters eyes. it sounds to me like this is a rare moment of buck’s insecurities being let loose. “i don’t know if they would feel that way if they saw me out of it.” this implies, i think, some insecurities about like.. every part of himself. it almost seems like, in this moment, he thinks his only redeeming quality is the uniform. which might actually be what he’s thinking right then, ‘cause he’s still trying to figure out how to cope with his first loss. i think theres some part of him, somewhere behind that overly confident persona, that has a lot more insecurities than he shows, but thats a conversation for another day.

now, let’s move on a little from that. what i think is very important and notable about that scene is some of the things abby says after watching buck on the news. first thing she says that stands out to me is, “i’ve been thinking i might want to call him to see how he is.” she’s worried about him. i think she’s probably been worried about him since the first time he was on the news, earlier that episode. and for good reasons, i think, because later on, she says, “. . . he needs help, you know? i mean, he’s got so much pain in his face. everybody’s treating him like a hero. he doesn’t feel like a hero. as far as he’s concerned, the guy that he was trying to save fell.” like, wow, just tear my heart out and stomp on it a bunch, why dont you? its such a wonderful and apt summary of what buck’s going through. to put it rather simply, he’s fucking distraught, and for good reasons. plus, that quote is one of the Big things that influenced my headcanon of buck having depression, and i could probably analyze every single scene bucks in in this episode that have added onto that head canon of mind bc there are at least a couple different things i could blather on about, but that’s some analysis for another post (if you’re interested in me talking about that tho, definitely feel free to let me know)

now, let’s move on a little further to the Dreaded Scene (i’d totally go into the scene that immediately follows the last one i talked about, where buck and abby are speaking on the phone, but i think i’ve emphasized my point of buck going through some shit in this episode to the point where that isn’t strictly necessary). for the rest of this post, i’m gonna kind of analyze every single little thing that buck does and says in the therapy scene bc pretty much all of it contributes to my burning hatred of that therapist.

like, yeah, no SHIT, honey!! as far as we, the audience, are concerned, this is the First time he’s EVER been to therapy. in my own personal experiences, my first time going to therapy was SO uncomfortable. and just looking at buck right here makes me feel uncomfortable, too—he’s fidgeting with his hands, looks to the side, looks down, looks up at her for a moment before looking away again. this boy looks nervous as hell, and for good reasons. he confirms that he is in fact uncomfortable, and then the therapist says, “well, that’s not unusual. you’ve been through a trauma. that’s why you’re here—to deal with those feelings.” remember that, because i’m not gonna go into the importance of that quote just yet.

the next thing buck says is, “uh, yeah, i’m, uh, i’m not really into feelings.” he kind of avoids looking at the therapist as he says this, though not as much as he did in that last gif. but his voice is like... uncharacteristically quiet as he says it.

more!! avoidance!! he keeps averting his eyes, looking anywhere that ISNT his therapist. and at the end of what he says here, he clenches his jaw a little. a nervous tick, maybe? i don’t know. as he talks here, though, his voice is, yet again, very quiet. he sounds just about broken right here, and it makes my heart ache so bad for him

after a brief break to check out what athena and michael are talking about, his therapist says, "i treat a lot of first responders—people who run toward danger—but maybe there's something you're running from as well? what is it about discussing your feelings that scares you?" the answer buck gives her? a very defensive, “i’m not scared.” if youre not scared, then why are you avoiding talking about your damn feelings like the fucking black plague? and when i say that he says it defensively, i mean, like, way too defensive to Not be suspicious

we don’t get to hear anymore about that particular question because next, we’re checking up on athena and michael again, and then we’re talking about something else. the therapist says, "you lost somebody. that's hard."

as he says this, he sounds fucking SAD. he sounds completely and utterly BROKEN. throughout this whole clip, he sounds entirely broken. the therapist asks if this was his first time. he responds with, "i mean, i've had calls where it was... too late, but, uh, but i've only been doing this not even six months. now, i... i just can't shake the feeling that this one didn't need to go down the way that it did." again, he sounds like he’s hurting really badly. this loss is really taking a huge toll on him and that is Very clear. she then asks him if he thinks there was something he could have differently. he doesnt respond, just looks up at her like this:

his eyes are a little red, and it looks like there are some tears in his eyes. like wow, you could murder me and it would hurt less than seeing buck like this

now, the next snippet is about where everything Starts Going To Shit (this is also the part where i start sobbing like a dumb baby, but thats neither here nor there). 

you see that shit right there?? if you listen hard enough, you can hear my heart breaking into a million pieces. from this point on, buck is CRYING. honest to god fucking CRYING. he looks like he’s hurting so badly, especially at the end of that gif, when he furrows his eyebrows. it looks kind of like he’s trying to keep himself from straight up Sobbing. i’m sure it seems almost like i’m dwelling on this for a little longer than necessary, but i think emphasizing how emotional he is in this part is very important to understand just how much the end of this scene makes me fucking SEETHE. this next little bit is where i start to transition from Sadness to absolute Rage

you see that? this is the start of my slow deterioration into madness. up until this point, everything about this therapy session was completely and entirely professional. but home girl decides, hey, yknow whats a good idea? waltzing my happy ass across the room, sitting down directly in front of my PATIENT, and resting my hand on said PATIENT’s arm. i dunno about you guys, but this seems terrible on so many levels that it isnt funny.

now, yknow what happens next? some classic avoidance from our boy. she calls him mr buckley, so he says, "it's, um... it's actually just buck." (after VERY AUDIBLY SNIFFLING by the way, but i digress). he then deflects even FURTHER by asking her if she friended him on facebook. 

“i thought you looked familiar,” he says. he’s no longer actively crying at this point, but there are most certainly still some tears in his eyes.

now, do you know what happens next, after a brief break to check up on athena and michael? the worst thing that could happen happens! i know it, you know it, little miss unprofessional sleeps with buck! and yknow what she says Immediately afterwards? “i can’t believe i just did that. i am so sorry.” like.... no! saying “sorry” doesnt change the fact that you TOOK ADVANTAGE of someone who is CLEARLY not in the right frame of mind to consent to something like that. yknow what he was doing the last time we saw him? crying. bc hes in a very vulnerable place in this episode. and yeah, sure, i guess you could make the argument that he was seducing her a little, but that doesnt change the fact that this is fucked up. now, side note about me, i’m only in high school and i’ve never had any job before, so i dont quite know the ins and outs of the professional world. but i do know a thing or two about common sense, so its pretty easy for me to assume that shit like this is awful on like a million different levels. i think the power imbalance is super clear to anyone who has any number of brain cells.

now, buck being as emotionally stunted as he is, says that she made him feel better (probably just for a few minutes, but thats neither here nor there). and yknow what she says? “you should go.” remember that quote from earlier? the one that i said was important and that i was going to go into later? “well, that’s not unusual. you’ve been through a trauma. that’s why you’re here—to deal with those feelings.” yknow what buck Didnt do? deal with those feelings. he talked about his feelings for maybe ten minutes, and that’s assuming that, during the cuts to athena and michael, the session was continuing and that it wasnt a matter of like, oh, this stuff is happening At The Same Time.

and all that is just During the session. we dont ever see the aftermath of it, we dont ever see buck talking about that session or anything along those lines. and we most certainly dont see him trying to go talk to a different therapist. the rest of what im going to be talking about this post is purely speculation, but i think its highly probable that this could all be canon. like i just mentioned, as far as we know, buck hasnt gone to another therapist after that shit show. additionally, we can also assume that buck really hasnt talked to like....... anyone about the shit he’s gone through, both past shit and shit that was brought up from this first loss of his. so as far as we’re concerned, he’s never properly worked through it all. he’s also probably never gotten any proper coping mechanisms to deal with any further losses. it seems a little too morbid to think that bucks just gotten used to the feeling that comes with losing someone, so i think its pretty safe to assume that, after every single loss he suffers, he gets like..... super fucked up, purely because he never talked about (a), the reason why hes scared to talk about feelings, or (b), how to deal with said feelings, especially when they’re bad. and thats not fair to him!! that loss clearly took a huge toll on buck, Most of the description of that episode is talking about the roller coaster and bucks feelings, but he never got to heal from it. if buck doesnt get something akin to a redemption arc, where he gets to see a therapist to properly work through all of his issues, i’m going to riot

anyway. thats all i have to say on the matter. i’ve been working on this for most of the day because i have so many thoughts and feelings about the way buck was treated during this episode. i will die mad about it. but i think i’ve said pretty much all i have to say on the topic now, so i hope my frustrated rambling was interesting or whatever to read. so, thanks for reading! ♥

[fairycosmos]

im finally getting on antidepressants and seeing a therapist after years of being a depressed fuck but now im terrified that theres nothing actually wrong with me and that im just lazy and wasting everyones time and that i need to not take meds because i shouldnt go through the trouble oh my GOD WHAT AM I

hey dude, getting help doesn’t diminish what you’ve been through. you need antidepressants and a therapist BECAUSE of how bad it was, because of how sick you were/are. it’s not a waste of time, it’s a very necessary and important step in the right direction. your mind is only trying to talk you out of it because of your depression, it’s just trying to isolate you so you’re easier to control. it might also be because you’re scared of reaching out even if you don’t realize it, so you’re just trying to talk yourself out of it based on those temporary feelings of fear. but it’s okay to be nervous, even though you have no reason to be. just don’t let it dictate what you do. you don’t have to let this continue, you don’t have to live like this anymore. remember, depression is a serious illness that literally twists your perception of everything into something negative, even when it’s not. you need to remember that, force yourself to have a level of awareness bc that makes it easier to do the right thing. i know there’s a whole stigma around mental illness, but having depression doesn’t mean you’re just lazy or whatever - imagine if your friend was going through what you’ve been through, would you say they were just wasting everybody’s time? of course not. so show yourself that same courtesy. stop fighting yourself, it’s not worth it and it doesn’t change anything. 

try to view your mental health just as seriously as you view your physical health. if you had cancer, you wouldn’t be mad at yourself for getting chemotherapy, would you? there’s no shame in seeking out the help that you need. just because some people are ignorant about how serious depression actually is, doesn’t mean you have to let their opinion change what you do. if you need help, then you need help. end of story. only you know what it is that you’re truly dealing with, and i honestly can’t stress enough how much therapy/medication can improve the quality of your life. you’re not wasting anybody’s time, you’re doing what’s right for you. please, please don’t believe every single thing your brain tries to tell you, because a lot of it isn’t true. i hope you find it in you to get the help that you need. it really won’t be as bad as you think it’s going to be. at least give it a chance before you make any snap decisions, alright? i’m proud of you for getting help and for managing to deal w everything, i know it’s not easy. i’m always here if you need a friend or someone to talk. :)

[vitalmindandbody]

Top 10 volumes about middle age

Finding work that meets this difficult theatre of life with honesty and wisdom is not easy but these novelists demo it is feasible to done

When I started working on The Middlepause, I was desperate to read books I could learn from and insist with notebooks that would father my own, so that I could duly rebel against them. Id been sloped immediately into menopause, the result of undergoing a hysterectomy, and as I clawed my road back to health, I hungered for fresh alternatives, new pathways, the promise of hope.

What I experienced, predominantly, was self-help. Books with frivolous upbeat designations, like Fifty and Fabulous, or Fifty Is the New Fifty, which transactions in stock rebuttals and easy certainties, when what I missed was smart questioning. They assured me that middle age “couldve been” the right time of my life, if only I was smart enough to recognise it. I knew better. I knew that middle age was frumpy and schmaltzy and complain, that our hormones razz rollercoasters; that we thrill to adulterous affairs; that in midlife “were losing” parents and sometimes friends and find as if our identities are melting its why we cry over empty nests, fus over our truncated futures, accept explosions and breakups and mourn our disappearing youth.

For middle age to be genuinely transformative we need to change the script scrutinise our mistakes, admit sorrow and bitternes, confront personal neglects. Then we have to rub this catalogue of hurts into more textured and grown-up self-knowledge.

The volumes Ive picked here were, for different reasons, milestones on that passage for me. They weighed the depredations of ageing and loss against the speculate of self-acceptance. I read think, because emerging into a new appreciation of oneself is the hardest thing to do and yet its internal, essentially metabolic. And from the outside gazing in, it is invisible.

1. In Our Prime: The Invention of Middle Age by Patricia Cohen( 2012 ) An attempt to write the biography of an idea. Mostly its a social history, from the mid-1 9th century for the purposes of this, but augmented by fascinating detours through scientific and psychology. With baby-boomer upswing, Cohen contends that middle age is a malleable cultural fiction, currently being rewritten to account for detections showing that the middle-aged brain actually ripens, or that happiness contemplates point to a rise in reported high levels of gratification in midlife. The notebook is a tonic, a boon and a placebo.

2. Twenty Years After by Alexandre Dumas( 1846) In this sequel to The Three Musketeers, Dumas makes his immortal quartet out of retirement to cross swords with period, the nastines to both men and the forces of record. Older now, the musketeers have to deal with their physical fragility and the difficult accommodations that ageing delivers , not least the foreshortening of their scopes. I cherish the moment when Athos clunks himself down on a stool, the feather in his hat still sprightly, and complains about his weary bones.

3. Break of Day by Colette ( 1928) I dont known better I could have altered 50 without such notebook. It is my charm for midlife an joyful and rapturous paean to the unsung exultation of regal solitude and monkish self-sufficiency. Its cheeky, very, featuring a semi-autobiographical Colette who at the start of the book am of the view that she has renounced passion, exclusively to expend much of the novel flirting outrageously with a much younger suitor.

4. Force of Circumstance by Simone de Beauvoir( 1963 ) Part gossipy diary, segment thoughtfulnes on postwar Paris and her working life as a columnist, this final instalment of De Beauvoirs autobiography testifies to how unruffled and grownup she is in contrast to the still-volatile, ego-driven philosophers, the authors and artists with whom she hangs out. Theres a ringing confidence here that comes with self-knowledge, mixed with its determination to forgive her past mistakes. Formerly upon a epoch Id have misread this volume: now its exercises imbue, seeding allay and acceptance.

5. Brown Sisters: Forty Years by Nicholas Nixon( 2014) This work is quietly epic. It features portrait images Nixon took of his wife Bebe and her three sisters in the grounds of their Connecticut home, and in various locations in Massachusetts. The word-paintings start in 1975, when the sisters were aged between 15 and 25. Every year, Nixon took another photograph. The serial catalogues the sisters ageing. You see how occasion has worn pipelines into their facets, but also softened them; how they appear to have grown closer over the years, with age strengthening the bonds of attend. You wonder at the differences among relationships between the sisters. But principally you marvel at how lifes magnificent expedition can be contained in the details of the everyday.

Nicholas Nixon talks about his epic photographic assignment

6. A Visit from the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan( 2010 ) Egans novel is a kind of madcap gambol through four decades, told by a dozen references on the run from their younger egoes including a stone sun organising his final suicide tour, and a disgraced PR commissioned to create a soft-focus makeover of a genocidal tyrant. The comedy is deadpan, but Egans take on ageing is brutal: get age-old, she recommends, is like being beaten up by a gang of thugs. 7. Lolly Willowes by Sylvia Townsend Warner( 1926 ) This is a novel about conversion, inwardly channeling and then outwardly refracting womens freeing during the interwar times. Its heroine Lolly Willowes morphs from a maiden aunt, is dependant on the largesse of her city-dwelling brethren, into a wayward voodoo living independently in the urban wilderness where she enters into gathering with the demon. Women know they are dynamite, she tells him. 8. Out of Time: The Pleasures and Perils of Ageing by Lynne Segal( 2013 ) Segals gentle and sustained booking with Simone de Beauvoirs numerous writings about ageing gives a rich read that fires in multiple directions, ricocheting off psychoanalysis, literature and feminism. The volume is intensely personal, but at the same age weighs how feminists have fared in redefining culture attitudes towards ageing.( Spoiler: not that well .) 9. In Midlife by Murray Stein( 1983 ) What better than a Jungian guide for midlife? The central meaning here is that surmounting the midlife hurdle involves breaking down the persona or untrue self that we cling to in our youth. This should secrete our shadow selves from the dungeons of repression, and behind that, the contrasexual other( the animus for the status of women, the anima for a mortal ). It chimes vaguely gothic, and also destabilising, which is what it should be; for according to Jung, midlife is a zone of transition.

10. Maximising Manhood, drumming the Male Menopause by Dr Malcolm Carruthers( 1996) This notebooks the odd one out, although it was had its own various kinds of affect. Nudged into writing by Gail Sheehy( she of Passages fame ), Carruthers calls for the coming into effect of TRT or Testosterone Replacement Therapy, to bar gentlemen slumping vigour in midlife. A mirror management for a mirror condition? Or a bloated crate of nonsense? Perhaps the evidence comes when Carruthers suggests that this Hormone of Kings King of Hormones ought merely to be given to menopausal women around low-toned quantities, in case their libido may become excessive.

The Middlepause by Marina Benjamin is published by Scribe, priced 14.99. It be addressed to the Guardian bookshop for 12.74.

Read more: www.theguardian.com

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