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[kindahoping4forever]

AshtonIrwin: Some absolutely legendary people worked on the shoot for break up ♥️ @ mrjmachanson @ ryanfleming @ obc77 my gatinha @ perolanavarro ♥️

[samuel-de-champagne-problems]

Down Bad — Spencer Reid x Fem Reader (Smut 18+)

Summary: After seeing that her ex boyfriend is engaged to his “rebound girl”, Reader finds herself missing the comforts and pleasures of sex.

Notes: ahh!! @reidsbookclub thank you my absolute love for reading this ahead of time. your enthusiasm and support and love is so so so appreciated <3 and this is my piece for @imagining-in-the-margins Friends with Benefits challenge

Word Count: 6 K

Content Warnings: Alcohol consumption (not drunk), oral sex (female receiving), p in v sex, (kinda) dom Spencer ( hopeful ending?), unprotected sex, some negative self body image (reader), finishing inside with birth control, breeding kink, possessive language, dirty talk/crude language (I know Spencer's probably a tab bit OOC but this is me trying here)

Down Bad

There was no way for my situation to turn crappier. My finger stood, haunted and frozen above my phone screen. The bathroom sink ran unattended as I attempted to defrost my heart. It had dropped to my stomach as my eyebrows shot up.

I still followed Lydia, my ex's younger sister on Instagram and Facebook. Her brother might have turned out to be a terrible communicator, but she was cool.

Just a couple of months ago, she was a student in Geology and the last time we spoke she was writing a paper on Ancient Rocks in communities that used aqueducts systems. What you could do with a Master's in Geology was beyond me and my office job. I'm sure she hears too many "you must live under a rock" joke from her dad. He was always cracking the most dad jokes that have ever dad-joked; I missed it. And Lori's South Chocolate Gravy Pie. I didn't even want to know how many sticks of butter it took.

Lydia had her arms thrown around a tall, leggy, blonde girl that looked like her name was Sarah or Hannah. The post was in black and white and Hannah/Sarah showed off her gorgeous ring.

lydia-nielson99 The best honorary sister ever <3!

When my ex and I dated, the idea of fine dining was a night out at a movie sharing a bucket of popcorn and an honest-to-God-attempt at moving hopping. We talked about marriage; he'd slip on fake rings made from grass blades braided together meticulously on my finger, kiss it, and promise me that he'd earn me something worthy of my finger.

The post had only been up for 43 minutes and already had gotten a hundred or so likes. I scrolled the comment section, ignoring the rushing tap, to read the comments from my friends, our couple friends. They must've liked Sarah/Hannah better, or at least liked her and Shane better together then Shane and me. I haven’t heard from them since the breakup.

Aren't most geologists analog? I slipped my phone back into my pocket and washed my hands, wishing that I could crawl under a rock, one of those ancient ones that Lydia studies.

I couldn't decide. I couldn't decide between a red that would give me a headache I could feel in my teeth or straight gasoline that would make my face, and heart, as equally numb.

I wanted something quick and something strong. I was so, so, so over Shane it wasn't even funny. But that didn't stop him from being the love of my life, to the loss of my life. I just wondered, as I roamed the supermarket with my metal carriage holding tequila, limes, Kraft Mac and Cheese, and frozen pizza bagels, if he told Hannah/Sarah the same things.

If he would sit across from her, now probably able to splurge on a dinner fancier than Taco Bell or Denny's, and hold her hands. Would he move her ring from her middle finger to her ring finger like he did on mine?

God, I cringed, dropping in a box of Double Stuffed Oreos, I let him, shit talk me under tables with promises of rings and cradles in the other breath.

I reached for the pint of strawberry as another text pinged. Internally I knew that I would soon face an onslaught of future wine moms just jumping at the chance to "check in with me" during "such a challenging and emotional time" for me. I ignored the message, but it pinged again.

Spencer: Penelope said that the new season of that show you like is on. We can watch it tonight. I think that Hotch is actually gonna let us out at a normal time.

Spencer, my roommate, always texted with formality and correct grammar. I actually think that it would be impossible for him to do anything, but use proper spelling and grammar.

Unlike certain geologists, Spencer is actually analog. When I was searching for a roommate after my break-up, our mutual friend Penelope put us in touch. And just mere months later we've formed a friendship that most days is closer to a partnership than it is to anything else. Friends were hard for me, and relationships even harder. Looking back, I think that allowed Shane to bulldoze through boundaries I didn't even know I should have.

Spencer, a certified genius and self-described technophobe, couldn't tell me the purpose of Instagram, let alone that my ex-boyfriend's sister posted a picture with her newest soon to be sister-in-law, Sarah/Hannah.

I dropped a pint of Rocky Road ice cream and looped around for an extra box of Kraft Mac and Cheese before replying back to Spencer.

Me: Worst. Day. Ever!!! Ice cream & carbs @ 7

I stared at the bottle of tequila, understanding that ever since my 31st birthday, me and excessive drinking due to external crises would result in bloating, headaches, backaches, anxiety, and an entire weekend of recovery. Maybe instead of several shots, but I already finished half of the bottle of red I bought as a bottom of the ninth decision.

"Tequila?" Spencer mused, dropping his bag on the table. "This must be like Defcon 4? And I should know, I work in national security."

I grunted, my fingers drumming against the table. The cheap speaker connected to my phone plays sad breakup music. I saw Spencer's wheels turn as he sat down with me at the table.

"Want boxed Mac & Cheese?" I asked, standing up to scoop some of the dinner into a plate for myself. I didn't seek it out often, but there was something familiar and comforting about Kraft Mac & Cheese. "I know it's got a lot of shitty stuff in it. But I'm actually going to lose my mind tonight."

My voice turned shrill and unsteady. And my eyes flooded with sharp, salty tears. Spencer stood and then backed away, his eyes and face melting in mutual pain. "What happened?"

"Shane's getting married."

"That explains the tequila."

I laughed. Spencer didn't offer any condolences as the seconds ticked and ticked. Instead he looked at me. He must've noticed the groceries. The Oreos, ice creams, and boxes of incredibly processed macaroni and cheese all screamed classic crisis for me. Being as smart as he is, Spencer could probably have told something about me within weeks of meeting me.

"Well, I already drank some of that red wine." I said. "The tequila doesn't sound like a good choice. But bad choices can be fun choices when you want to hide under a rock for the rest of your life."

Spencer still didn't offer anything, he kicked off his shoes and grabbed a bowl from the cabinet. "No tequila."

“You’re no fun." I huffed, grabbing my bowl and heading to the living room. "You promised me new episodes of The Queen's Court."

Spencer still frowned, his arms crossed as his steaming bowl of processed cheese pasta sat to his side on the counter. "I didn't think that Shane still was someone you thought about."

I sighed.

“It’s understandable. He’s marrying the girl he started dating right after breaking-up with you.”

I didn't think about Shane, not that often though. But he still was my first love. The love I shared with Shane was something he stole from me. I had given him all that youth for free; now I was thirty-one. Don't get me wrong, thirty-one is young, I don't feel old. But it's this weird, almost off-putting subliminal feeling when all of my friends either smell like weed or little babies.

"I don't love him. I don't want to be with him."

Spencer had rolled up his sleeves, revealing his forearms. He had a couple pictures of himself when he was younger. Him with his mom at one of his many post-graduate celebrations. One with his co-workers at a bar. He changed a lot; in pictures of the past he was thin and lanky. But now, when he would wear pants or cardigans or button downs with the sleeves rolled up, I found it difficult to not stare in appreciation. My sex life with Shane was good, consistent, and effective. While it might sound clinical to some, I think we both enjoyed knowing that we both knew how to, simply, get the job done for each other. I must be missing sex an awful lot to be getting flushed at the sight of Spencer’s arms.

Two years older than me, Spencer had had a life harder than most people. Penelope explained to me that he was finding it hard to live alone after he was falsely incarcerated. And working the hours he did at the BAU, he found it hard to find someone okay with someone coming home all hours of the night.

Like Spencer, I hated living alone. So together, we built a little home as roommates, as friends, and somewhere along the lines, as partners. And over the last couple of months, Spencer had never brought a date home. I had one hook up about two weeks after we moved in together. It was fine, but not enough to tempt back onto the horrid, vapid, devoid of anything promising landscape that was Bumble and Hinge.

"I just..." I bring my face into my hands in embarrassment. "I miss having someone to come home to who wants to see me."

Spencer crossed through the living room, bowl in hand. He sat criss cross on the floor like he did most nights. "I want to see you. I always want to see you, Y/N."

"You know what I mean, Spencer…And if I'm being honest...sex. God, I miss sex. Good, consistent, effective sex from someone that knows me."

Spencer and I never talked about sex. When we would watch movies that had sex scenes in it, neither of us would talk. One time we watched a movie starring whatever current Hollywood Pretty Boy had captured the hearts of the Internet at the time, and I commented that I would "ride that cowboy into the sunset." I remembered looking at Spencer for his reaction. Usually he would blush or roll his eyes or kick me playfully in the shin for being crass.

But that time he didn't. Instead, his jaw set, grinding firmly and unyieldingly. After that I didn't make sexy jokes or talk about sex in front of him. I thought it made him uncomfortable, till now I suppose

The music changed, and the breakup anthem of the century played. I stood up on the sofa, solo cup in hand and swayed to the music as Spencer stood below.

"You want sex?" Spencer asked. "We can have sex on this sofa right now if that's what you want. I mean, how much wine have you had?"

I busted out laughing, sipping the red wine from my solo cup. I didn't bother for a fancy wine glass. Besides, it was cheap and . And clearly it was working if it made me imagine Spencer Reid, my hot, stoic roommate with dreamy brown eyes, offering me sex.

"Spencer! Come, dance. Please!" His eyes shifted over my body. And he must have noticed the way my knees wobbled under the insecurity of the sofa cushions or the way my eyes must have been glazed and sparkly.

He obliged me, and his hand wrapped around mine. He raised my hand above my head to twirl me and then walked me down from the couch. "Let's get you on level ground. I hurt my leg a couple years after I started the BAU and it's no fun healing up."

He sat me down on the couch and placed a throw blanket on my lap. My bowl of Mac & Cheese was missing, but returned back to my lap, reheated. Spencer also replaced my solo cup, cutting me off, thankfully, from alcohol for the time.

"Peach flavored electrolyte water. And tomorrow I'll make you breakfast." He offered, sitting down on my right as he started the show.

"I didn't mean to be annoying and buzzed. I know you don’t like it" I said, not looking at Spencer. "I don't love him. Or like him. Or even want to be with him. Ugh. No, I just...I want…sex."

Spencer nodded, not even looking at me as the scene between the Queen and her lady's maid wore on. I kept trying to convince Spencer that the Queen was actually the villain and the warring clan would take over and let the series run on and on for an infinite amount of seasons. But it was campy and dramatic and exactly what I needed as I licked my, apparently, very open and painful wounds.

"What's the matter?" I asked, pausing the television. "You look pissed off."

"You know that he was the one that lost out when you guys broke up." Spencer's eyes didn't meet mine, even though the television remained paused. "He didn't deserve you. Not if he didn't know how goddamn lucky he was when he had you."

I don't let my heart think this means anything."What?" But I feel my cheeks prickle with

heat, just like they did when Spencer, albeit jokingly, offered to have sex with me.

"I said, it's his loss. If I had you, I wouldn't ever lose you, Y/N."

"I'm nothing special." I admit. I wasn't the most positive or confident girl, in my mid twenties I went to therapy for a good three years to sort out some baggage from my childhood. We all have something and mine was having a hard time seeing myself. I couldn't maintain positivity, to my brain it was better to remain neutral than to jam positivity down my throat that I couldn't honestly accept.

"You're not nothing special, Y/N." Spencer's voice cut through, sharp and confident. He sat up, his body sliding so close to mine that his knees touched my thighs. "You're the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. And you're smart. And funny. You make me laugh like no one has during a time in my life when I was convinced no one would be able to."

Our apartment isn't big, but it's enough space for Spencer and I to feel like we're could interact when we wanted, which was most of the time. But there was enough space for us to find our alone time when needed.

As Spencer's knees rubbed against mine and his soft eyes met mine, the room seemed to collapse. It was as if all the air was sucked out.

“And I am so...I've never been happier to have you be the last person I see before I go to sleep and the first person I get to see when I wake up. And if I...and if I had that with you the way he did? I wouldn't have messed it up."

"Spencer…" He raised his hand, showing me his palm, a sign that I think signified he meant no harm, but as he words, heated and charged sliced through me, I could feel them ricochet upon impact.

"I know…But, when I said I would fuck you on this couch, Y/N, it wasn't an empty promise. I meant it. And it wouldn’t have to mean anything.”

Spencer shifted on the couch. It creaked with his weight. The bowl of Mac & Cheese burned against my leg— even through the throw blanket. My heart was racing and racing till it skipped a beat. It nearly stopped. He sounded so sure of himself. I wanted to laugh it off again, as if the thought of me and Spencer hooking up…no fucking on the sofa was something comedic or entertaining.

“Are you…Spencer…are you sure?”

I tried to keep my voice steady, unwilling to let him know that the thought of his hands on my body lit a fire inside of me, a fire that I had yet to challenge. But God do I want to tame it. Sex with Spencer would be messy and complicated.

Spencer’s eyes narrowed in on my face. I would’ve thought that being stared at so intensely would have made me want to sink into the couch so I’d be as forgotten as stray hair ties and pocket change. But I wasn’t. Spencer’s brown eyes, liquid bronze bore into me. I felt a hot excitement wash over me that I knew was arousal.

“Yes.”

“Is it bad that I want you to kiss me?” I sighed. “It’s bad timing for either of us. But…”

“But you want me to kiss you?” I nodded and Spencer moved closer to me on the couch. “You want me to help you forget how that man has made you hurt.”

“Spencer…” Before I could rescind my desire, not that I would ever think about it, his hand cupped my cheek. Spencer’s thumb brushed against my jawbone as his eyes scanned my face. I could smell his lavender mint body wash; crisp and clean.

His mouth was anything, but crisp and clean. It was hot and dirty. Spencer kissed me with a hunger that couldn’t be sated with just one kiss. I knew for the moment his lips touched mine, I was done for. I wasn’t a whiskey drinker; I hardly knew what it even tasted like. But Spencer’s kisses felt like it. He doesn’t drink, but his warm body was flush against mine and I tasted the heady, smokey warmth of a strong cocktail. His arms and torso were thick and solid.

I brought my hands up to his neck and carded my fingers through his scalp. He groaned, the vibrations tingled against my lips as he kissed me. Spencer’s teeth tugged at my bottom lip, pulling it out before he kissed it again. He shifted so his back was against the couch and I was hauled up to his lap.

“There you go, baby.” Spencer said. His hands were large and imposing against my back and I could feel their heat through my shirt.

My muscles and resolve transformed to liquid when he called me that. I could feel my heart surge and lurch and leap as Spencer’s lips nipped against my skin. It was so good, so warm, so achingly wonderful that I felt myself wondering if I could do this over and over. I loved my vibrator and I would continue to love my vibrator long after this once-in-a-life-time situation with my roommate would end. But there was nothing like straddling a man’s lap.

And Spencer Reid was a sight to behold. I knew he used to be skinny, but in the years that I didn’t know him, Spencer had grown up. He filled out his pants with his strong thighs and softer stomach. His pants were strained and tented. I grinded down, enjoying his haughty moan in my ear.

I arched my back, exposing my neck as Spencer’s wet, hot mouth pressed kissed along the column of my throat. Feeling him grin as he kissed me I tugged at his hair sharp and hard. His grunt is a mixture of surprise and pleasure. I didn’t think that he’d be this vocal but with me writing in his lap I felt him try to hold back.

“Just touch me.” I whined, kissing Spencer. “Please just touch me.”

His pants tented against my core. I tensed at the feeling of his erection. My pajama pants and underwear, though thin, offer only a sliver of the friction I desired. Spencer’s fingers, quick and nimble, didn’t hesitate to undo the drawstring bow.

“I know, sweetheart. I know.” Spencer murmured, kissing my temple. His lips are like a tattoo kiss as he resurrects something inside of me that I had long buried. “Sit on the couch.”

I scrambled to sit, my body acting of its own accord as Spencer’s words rattled through me. He was so confident, so sure, so certain. And his hands never left my body. It was as if there was some internal pull between the two of us. He sank to his knees and swung my right leg over his shoulder. I lifted my butt and he slid my pajama pants off my legs. Tossing them to the floor, Spencer licked his lower lip and looked at me as if I was good enough to eat. I supposed that we were about to find out just exactly how good I was.

“Open up for me, baby girl.” Spencer whispered, his breath landed on my skin and made me jump. “Let me see just how pretty you are.”

Spencer Reid had a dirty mouth. My cheeks and chest and belly burned with arousal. He kissed along the edges of my panties. Spencer’s middle finger dragged along my underwear, teasing my clit through the cotton fabric. With the patience of a saint, Spencer tormented both of us. He looked at me as if he could commit me to memory. His eyes were heavy with lust and something that I swore could mean something more. But that line of thinking had red wine written all over it. It wasn’t drunk. Hell, I wasn’t even buzzed anymore.

“Jesus, I’m a lucky fucking bastard.”

Yet, I sat there. With my legs spread, held open by Spencer’s large hands, practically humming with need and desire.

“Please. Please. Just touch me.” I begged, beyond caring if I sounded wanton with need. Spencer smirked as he hooked a finger underneath my panties and slipped them down my legs. And there I sat, legs spread. Finally he obliged. With two fingers, Spencer dragged them up my exposed core. The heel of his hand brushed against my clit. His skin was soft and his fingers deft and skilled. I closed my eyes as the pleasure took control of my body.

Spencer slipped a fingertip inside of me. He could feel the wetness dripping from my cunt. I grabbed his wrist, forcing him to hold his hand against my core. Our eyes met and I could not tell which one of us decided to let his finger sink inside of me. I watched as he slipped inside and released a throaty moan. My cries were extinguished by Spencer’s unyielding mouth. He pumped in and out, in and out, before slipping out of my cunt all together. I lunged forward at the sudden loss and was met by Spencer’s wry chuckle.

“I am going to eat your pussy. And you are going to cum against my face with your legs around my shoulders.”

I groaned. It’s as if Spencer knew that my brain needed to be switched off. He nipped at my inner thigh. Blood rushed throughout my body and I felt my pussy heat at the sensation. Spencer’s soft breath was hot against my skin as he kissed. He licked a line up my aroused core before flicking his tongue over my clit. It was a teasing, tormenting motion that coaxed a wave of pleasure to build. He’s a man possessed, so far gone that I didn’t even attempt to hold back as a moan rises in my throat.

“Jesus. You are a sight to behold. I’m going to show you how a man takes his time.”

As if he could possibly spread me apart even further, Spencer squeezed my thighs. Clearly he wanted to see all of me. Taste all of me. I could feel a coil tighten in my lower stomach and as Spencer lowered his mouth to my core, I felt the coil snap.

His licks aren’t shy and timid like I imagined. They’re purposeful and powerful. And threaten to melt my carefully crafted guard. He’s already gotten me well past the point of foreplay. I’m so wet that I’m sure cock that tents his pants can slip inside without much resistance. But he didn’t stop. His tongue continued lick and nip and suck against my most intimate area.

“Is this all for me? So wet. So pretty, sweetheart. Your cunt is dripping for me.”

I panted, unable to form a coherent thought as Spencer’s heated gaze spread over me. “All for you. Only for you.”

“Well in that case, I think I have a job to do.

All I could see was red. His hands gripped my thighs. I hated my thighs, usually. They’re too soft and squishy and usually ruin most pairs of pants eventually.

“Fucking hell.” Spencer cursed as he sunk two fingers into my needy cunt. “You’re so hot and tight for me, Y/N. Look at you. All splayed out. All for me.”

“You don’t have to do it until I finish.” I blurted out. “I—I know this isn’t….I want tonight to be for you as much as it is for me.”

Spencer’s eyes shifted.

“Ssshh, shhh,” He cooed. He looked up at me with his eyes big and blissed out. It was almost too much for me to handle. I watched as he kneeled in front of me; pants had become too tight from the moment my fingers groped him. At this point it was nearly impossible to withstand.

“I’ve thought about this way too much for us to rush this. I’m going to take my time with you, baby. You are going to ride my face like a good girl.The only thing that’s keeping me from cumming in my pants is the thought of burying my face into your pulsing cunt followed by my fucking you raw with my leaking cock.”

I yelped as he and sucked along my inner thigh. My skin was impossibly soft and tempting. “Fuck. Fuck, baby. You’re perfect. You are a fucking dream.”

I fisted his hair, feeling the familiar rush of pleasure from my head to my toes. For a while it only set my own bedsheets ablaze, but now it spread to Spencer. He groaned against my core, still lapping me up as the wall of pleasure threatened to come crashing down.

One second I was moaning, feeling myself toe the precipice before I teetered over. The feeling built and crashed before I could even enjoy it.

“Fuck! No. Damn it.” I cursed myself for not being able to climax, despite the down right sinful things Spencer was hell bent on doing between my legs. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I can’t…sometimes I have a hard time.”

“Don’t worry,” Spencer assured, his thumb brushing against my kneecap, “We’ll find our rhythm. Together. Anything you want. And I think I might actually die if I don’t get inside you this second.”

I laughed, dragging Spencer up by the shirt collar. He placed his hands against my hips and pulled me forward for a kiss.

I tasted myself against his lips and it turned my on beyond belief. “I want you. I’m on the pill and I want you. It’s awful timing because I don’t have any condoms and it’s a terrible idea but—”

I’m cut off by Spencer’s lips again. His mouth seared against mine, hot and needy. “I’m clean. I want this. I want you. So badly, sweetheart. So bad.”

I nodded, my mouth unwilling and unable to leave Spencer as he knelt in between my legs. He stood to his full height and took my hands. “I know I have promised to fuck you on this couch, but I have a bad knee and once I’m buried inside you, baby, I don’t think I’ll be able to hold back.”

“My bed’s made.”

Spencer’s hands didn’t leave my waist as I walked him to my bedroom. I should’ve been more embarrassed as I walked with him, considering I looked more akin to Winnie the Pooh than a sexy hook up. But once I felt a sharp sting on my ass, I quickly realized that Spencer thought the opposite.

“Don’t blame me.” Spencer said. “With that ass you’re lucky I haven’t had the sense to take you over my knee already.”

I turned, facing Spencer and standing with just an oversized pajama shirt covering my chest. His hands hovered over my waist, pulling me towards him by the fabric of my shirt. “I need to see those tits, baby. They drive me fucking wild in the morning. When you’re sitting on that damn counter with your messy hair and no bra. You’re a sight to behold, baby.”

“On one condition.” I presented, attempting to act as if the dirty words that fell between us had no effect on me. “Those pants? They find their way to the hamper. And fast.”

Spencer chuckled as his fingers brushed stray pieces of my hair away from my face. He touched me with such tenderness that I could feel myself craving it long after it was gone. He dropped his pants, followed by his boxers. I meant to tease him about the mini double helix DNAs printed all over his boxers, but I was effectively silenced by his erection.

I felt him the entire time I sat and made out with in his lap. I could feel how hard and thick and long he must be, but seeing him out in the open made my body lurch with need. He devoured me with his lips, pushing me down into the bed as his quick hands rid me of my shirt. Spencer’s teeth met my nipple, nipping and twisting it to elicit the dirtiest moans from my lips. He smiled, sucking marks into my skin that would last even after all what stood between us shattered.

Licking my lips, I could still taste myself from his kiss. Never feeling anything quite this intense with anyone, I suddenly felt so naked and bare. But Spencer’s calm hands, big and gentle, soothed me wordlessly.

“I need you.” I begged, wanton with need, “I need your cock so bad.” I wasn’t a begging woman, but as Spencer pressed the tip of his cock at my entrance I figured that anyone can learn how to relent now and again.

Sweet kisses to my sweaty skin replaced his dirty words that made me flush. As Spencer hovered above me, I drank him in. His eyes were hazel, but sometimes, depending on what he wore, they were brown or green. I quickly unbuttoned his top, eager to have his warmth spread all over him. He was thick and solid— all man. From the muscles in his back to the furrow of his brow and the slight curl pattern to his hair, Spencer sucked all the air from my lungs.

I was weightless. I was floating. I was soaring.

When he finally slid into me it was with an excruciatingly slow speed. “Don’t wanna hurt you.” He mumbled, a hand brushed my hair and a pair of lips kissed my forehead. “Give ya a chance to see what you can handle.”

Emboldened, I wrapped my legs and interlocked my ankles around Spencer’s butt. He lunged forward and his forehead dipped towards my breast. His kisses were fast and erratic as I felt him sink deeper and deeper inside of me.

“You’re so thick…ah!”

“Oh fuck.” His voice was as raw and as affected as mine. “It’ll be fine, darling. You’re so perfect like this. Taking this cock like a good girl. I know how to make it better for you.”

His thumbs, rough and sharp, circled around my clit helping me to take his cock deeper and deeper. I whined, desperate for the relief and embarrassed at the way I’m at center stage. Spencer took me, made me his and I’m nothing but a mess for him. My bones are liquid as he reaches out for my hand.

It was like there was a blueprint to my body. I had it locked away somewhere. But somehow, somewhere along the way Spencer figured out where it was stored. He read the blueprint. And he knew exactly what to do to make my foundation crumble. With each stroke of his fingers against my clit or pulse of his cock in my pussy, he knew exactly what I needed.

Spencer’s lust filled voice rang clear. “You feel close. I’m so close. Can you come for me? Huh? Show me how you play with that pretty little pussy. How do you do it, Y/N?”

His hands and fingers dug into my lush body with an unrelenting desire I wasn’t accustomed to. Magic fingers. God. And I magic fucking cock. I grabbed his hair, dragging him down to my lips as I teased my clit. Looking down to where our two halves met nearly sent me over the edge. My cock swallowed Spencer’s thick cock, it was hot and erotic and I watched with my mouth hanging open in pure, unadulterated desire. My pussy, wet and hungry for more, begged him for more. I grabbed his ass with my unoccupied, dragging my fingernails down his skin as I begged for him to fuck me harder.

“Harder. Spencer. I need it.”

Spencer brought his face into my neck, kissing and biting my neck as he pounded into me. The angle set rockets of pleasure from my core to my toes, spurring me on as I practically chanted his name. Spencer moaned, his teeth sharp and mouth hot and heady as his kisses grew more and more frantic.

His thrusting was still sharp and calculated as his cocked continued to fuck me. “God, you look gorgeous when I fuck you. All fucked out from my cock. My girl.”

I liked the way he called me his. It was nice to be claimed. To be wanted and desired so badly that two letter little words were tacked on. It was a tiny word, but it changed the entire meaning. It was the sort of word that could make foundations falter and buildings collapse and roommates morph into something else entirely. Endorphins and hormones and who else knows what coursed through my veins.

It was just me and him. Together in a limitless space that neither of us would care to ever leave.

“So close.” I groaned and Spencer knew well enough to just continue rather than to change anything up. “That’s it, baby. Oh! Fuck. Spencer.”

My high came crashing down around me. I felt my cunt clamp around Spencer’s cock as he continued to thrust into me. His eyes watched me with an analytic level of observation. I knew he had a good memory; one that refused to allow him to forget much of anything. But as he watched me fall apart, naked and vulnerable and oh so aroused, it was like he was trying to commit me to memory.

“Come inside. Fuck! Spencer. Please. I need it. I want it.” I begged him, desperate for him to climax inside of me. I wanted to see what it would feel like to have his cum dripping from my needy, spent pussy. I wondered if it would feel different, if it would change something, something fundamentally.

His voice was hoarse and strained as he came, shooting spurts of hot cum into my cunt. It was unabashedly erotic, watching him fall apart with his bare cock stuffed inside me. “Fucking, hell. It’s never been like that before.” He kissed my jaw, holding me in place by my chin while still sheathed inside of me. It was a lovely feeling. Full and safe. I must have been so drunk on him because I thought I could stay like this forever.

The silence that fell between the two of us lingered for several months. Spencer’s fingers danced along my hip bone and up to my rib change. His eyes were closed and his hair was matted with sweat against his forehead. He had creases near his eyes and deep, well set-in bags under his eyes. I wondered how inappropriate it would be for him to spend the night with me. Naked of course. I don’t think either of us could handle having it any other way.

I never fucked my roommate. Nor have I been ballsy enough to have “feel better” sex with a friend. It’s not like I expected him to lay out a red carpet and get down on one knee after he gave me a handful of (earth shattering) orgasms.

“Y/N.” Spencer breathed. A beat passed before I dared to reply.

“Spencer.” He stirred beside me, his hand resting against my thigh.

“I think…I think we’re gonna need to try that again and again and again…” He rolled over onto me, kissing along my jaw. I felt the pads of his thumbs against my bare breasts and sighed.

God, help me. He’s my man.

Taglist: @foxy-eva @reid-ingandweeping @andiebeaword @boldlyvoid

(I know several people asked to be tagged, but if you didn't have that you were above 18 in your blog you won't be tagged in this one!

Please reblog, comment, and like! Feedback and encouragement and interactions are wonderful to receive. Thank you!

[smellslikebot]

how to keep following people when a major social platform implodes

(...and you don't want to join 20 new websites)

First, get an RSS reader*-- here are some free options:

Desktop: Feedbro (browser extension), Fraidycat** (browser extension/web), Thunderbird, Dreamwidth (web)

Android: Feeder

iOS/Mac: NetNewsWire

You'll be able to make a custom feed to follow blogs, webcomics, social media feeds, podcasts, news, and other stuff on the web all in one place. To follow something, find its "feed URL"-- often marked by an icon that looks like this ↓-- and paste it into your reader of choice as a new feed.

Some feed URLs for social media/other sites:

Tumblr: Use username.tumblr.com/rss or username.tumblr.com/tagged/my%20art/rss to follow a blog's "my art" tag (as an example)

Cohost: Use username.cohost.org/rss/public

Mastodon: Use instance.url/@­username.rss

Deviantart: Info here

Spacehey: Info here

Youtube: Go to a channel in a web browser, view page source, and use Ctrl-F/Command-F to find a link that starts with "https://www.youtube.com/feeds/videos.xml?channel_id="

Reddit: Info here

Lemmy: At the top of a community's main page, there's a small RSS link next to where you sort posts/comments.

Some additions thanks to @innumerablewounds:

Dreamwidth: https://username.dreamwidth.org/rss (users can opt out of this).

Ao3: Tags have an "RSS Feed" button.

Bluesky: Add /rss to the end of a URL.

Neocities: https://neocities.org/site/username.rss

Sites that won't work all that great:

Twitter: Feedbro and Fraidycat** may be able to use Twitter profile URLs as feed URLs. Otherwise, use nitter.net/username/rss (or other Nitter instance) Public Nitter instances are dead/dying, and Twitter is now very hostile to pretty much anything that makes it easy to generate an RSS feed. For popular accounts, try this workaround using Google News...?

Instagram: Feedbro may be able to use Instagram profile and hashtag URLs as feed URLs. Check Feedbro's "scan interval" setting-- you could be rate limited or temporarily IP banned from Instagram if it makes requests too often!

Facebook: Feedbro may be able to use public Facebook group/page URLs as feed URLs, but see the warnings for Instagram.

Threads: Come on.

Also see how to find the RSS feed URL for almost any site. Try using public RSS-Bridge instances or Happyou Final Scraper to generate feeds for sites that don't have them (Pillowfort, Patreon, etc).

*You can set up your subscriptions in one reader and import them into another by exporting an OPML file. **Fraidycat's intended use is following a lot of people across different sites, so it's well-suited for this post and I'd recommend keeping an eye on it-- but I didn't recommend it initially because I had some issues with it, and it hasn't been updated in a while. The last time I used it, it didn't have a setting to change how often it makes requests to websites, causing me to get IP banned from Twitter and Instagram...

[starkwlkr]

mother (no, literally) | f1

I’m so happy you guys are loving this series 🫶🏼 this one has a bit of a time skip lol

part 1 part 2

“Did you hear the news?”

“What news?” Lando asked. It was the first race since coming back from summer break and Lando was excited. He had arrived a bit early so he could eat breakfast with his grid mom, but the mention of ‘news’ stopped him.

“Y/n is out of for the rest of the season. Porsche announced it yesterday.” His PR manager, Charlotte, told him.

“Who’s taking her seat?” He asked.

“Juan Manuel Correa.”

Lando stayed silent. He started to think of the worst possible scenarios. He knew she went to to Mykonos with Charlie for her break since she posted on Instagram and texted him that she got him several gifts. Did something happen on her vacation? He prayed that she was okay.

“Do you know if Adam is in the garage?” Lando asked.

“Yeah, he’s still there.”

And so Lando was off to the Porsche garage in search of their team principal. He definitely had the answers. After greeting the engineers, Lando spotted Adam talking with Juan Manuel Correa.

“Hey, man.” Lando greeted the older man. “Where’s Y/n?.”

Both Adam and Juan Manuel looked at Lando with a sorry look. “Did something happen to her? She didn’t text me anything about leaving Porsche.” Lando wanted the truth.

“She’s not leaving. She’s taking a break and don’t ask me for how long, I have no idea when she’ll be back, but for now we have Juan and I’m sure he’ll do an excellent job. Excuse us, we have to have a short meeting right now. Don’t worry, Lando, she’s not sick or injured. She’s fine, actually she’s more than fine.” Adam squeezed Lando’s shoulder as he passed by to get to his team.

“Do you know something?” Lando asked Juan.

“It’s not my place to tell.” Juan said then excused himself to follow his team principal.

Lando figured that if it was one thing bad then surely someone would tell him. But he received no answers.

TIME SKIP BROUGHT TO YOU BY MARK WEBBER’S DILFNESS

The F1 off season was here and Lando had plans. First, he needed to see his grid mother. It had been months since he last saw her and everytime he tried to make time to go see her, she wasn’t home. He found it odd, but at least she responded back to his messages.

Y/n was in her LA home with Charlie making dinner. She had found several recipes she wanted to try out. Her belly had grown, obviously, and she couldn’t hide it anymore. When she went out with Charlie, she would wear baggy clothes, but now those same baggy clothes couldn’t hide her bump.

“I’ve been thinking.” Y/n mentioned, grabbing a chocolate covered strawberry and eating it. “We never talked about godparents. Do you have anyone in mind?”

“I assumed Lando would be the obvious choice even if he doesn’t know about the baby.” Charlie replied, grabbing a strawberry and eating it.

“He was my first choice the second I found out. But I thought that you would choose one of your friends or costars from sons of anarchy.” Y/n stood up from her chair to check on the mac and cheese in the oven.

“If you think Lando should be our baby’s godfather then he should. He’s a great kid, babe. He’s technically your first kid.” Charlie teased.

“I miss my grid kids.”

The doorbell had rung meaning Lando had arrived. It was Charlie’s idea to have dinner with Lando to tell him the news. Well . . Once he noticed the big baby bump on Y/n, he would get an idea. While Charlie went to answer the door, Y/n got the mac and cheese out the oven.

Lando had gotten used to being around Charlie. Sure, he was a bit skeptical at first, but once he got to know the man, he knew that Charlie was the one for his grid mom.

“Hey, mate. How was your flight?” Cherie greeted Lando once he opened the door.

“Same as all the others. How are you and the missus?” Lando asked, bringing in his suitcase since he was going to stay with Y/n and Charlie for a couple of days.

“We’re great. Y/n was counting down the days until you got here. She’s in the kitchen. Babe? Lando’s here.” Charlie announced as him and Lando walked towards the kitchen.

The younger driver was stunned when he saw how much Y/n had changed. It it wasn’t a bad change, it was the best change. She smiled at Lando and walked to him to give him a hug.

“You’re pregnant! That’s amazing! Oh my god, you’re going to be an actual mum!” Lando gasped. “Is this why you’ve been hiding?”

“Pretty much. I didn’t want to make my pregnancy public until the birth. I wanted to make sure everything was okay. But it’s more than okay. Baby Hunnam is healthy and growing so fast.” Y/n explained.

“I’m happy for you. Wow, you’re going to be a mum.” He said it as if he couldn’t believe it. “Congratulations to both of you. Do you know the gender yet?”

“We decided to keep it a secret until the birth.” Charlie added.

“Well I think one thing is certain. Baby Hunnam is going to have a lot of overprotective uncles when they make their paddock debut.”

[astrolynnworld]

wanting you

pairing: matt sturniolo x reader

summary: matt wants you but knows he can never have you so he just gets off to the thought of you instead.

warnings: smut! obsession, masturbation, lust, need, imagination, cunnilingus, language.

a/n: this whole story is in matt’s pov! the bold lettering is his subconscious head thoughts & the regular lettering is his conscious regular thoughts. enjoy 🫡

word count: 800

im so in love with her.

anything she does just makes my heart ache with need. the need for her

she’s so precious, everything about her. i love her smile.. her laugh.. her eyes.. her personality, her voice, her smell, her bod-

fuck. no matt.. focus!

she’s such an amazing person, inside and out.. innsideee

i long to know how she feels on the inside. i bet she gets so wet, and i just know her pussy would clench around my dick like a claw mac-

MATT. enough. this is y/n you’re talking about.. your best friend of 7 years, you shouldn’t be thinking about her like this

but fuck does she turn me on inside and out. everything about her is literally perfect

*ding* i hear a notification from my phone

y/n just posted on instagram. i go to check what the photo is

she’s on a rooftop club posted up in a red halter top, black mini skirt, & some sexy laced up black heels.. my favorite pair of hers actually

the caption reads, “just your type.” for damn sure is what i thought

i notice the number 1/5 on the top and decide to swipe to the next one.

this one is her slightly turned to the back, bent down holding her knees while looking at the camera. i can see a bit of her panties

fuck she looks so seductive. i can’t help the tent that starts to grow in my pants

“what do you do to me?” i ask myself

i start palming myself in my pants as i continue through the slideshow, each picture getting a slight bit more seductive than the last.

i like the picture and leave a slick comment such as, “great photos 📸 “

not even a few seconds later she replies “thanks 📸” and likes my comment

she likes everyone’s comment, i don’t know why my like felt so special but it did.

fuck did she have a chokehold on me.. she needs to have a chokehold of something else tho

the palming through my pants allowed my dick to be fully erected at this point

it felt wrong thinking of her in this way but i couldn’t help with when i get horny and she’s the most beautiful girl in my eyes.

everything from her head to her toes is god given beauty.

i remember that one time, at nathan’s pool party, when she came in with her sexy purple two piece bathing suit.

i wish i could of took her back inside, slid those panties off and went to work. i just know she tastes fantastic

i take my dick out of my boxers as i imagine the thought of good her pussy would taste

i start stroking it to the thought her obedience as i take full control

how wet she could get from the thought of me domming her.

“mhm, you’re so good for daddy aren’t you?”

as she slides out of her panties and makes her way to the bed.

i follow behind her, pushing her down on the bed so i can climb on top of her and kiss her pretty pink lips

my dick throbs at the scene in my head

i slide down and kiss her second pair of pretty pink lips; causing her to let out a small whine

“moan for me baby, i wanna hear you” i say before starting to dip and lick my tongue all over her wet pussy

she’s making so many pretty noises but it’s not enough, i have to do more. i want her to feel like she’s never felt before

i stick my fingers inside and curl them. she whimpers at the sudden friction

i push my fingers in and out of her dripping pussy while licking up and down at her clit. i keep this pace going for a while

she starts grinding on my tongue, pulling my head closer to her pussy.

i’m thrusting into my hand faster. i want nothing more than to satisfy her

“fuck matt- pls don’t stop i’m going to cum”

“cum for me baby. please cum. i want nothing more than to taste you baby”

“matt. oh my fuck-“ she says letting her hips buck up uncontrollably

i’m so fucking close right now i can feel the pre cum leaking out of my dick like a fire hose

“mat- fuck i’m- i’m gonna cum” she says before squeezing my head with her thighs as she releases her high

i buck my hips into my hand one last time before im spilling out cum onto my chest.

i can’t remember the last time i came so hard. yet this time, it’s only from a fantasy of eating y/n out

god. i need her so bad

———————————————————————

a/n- and then the audience clapped 😵‍💫 all my matt stories are short :( can you tell i’m a chris girl? im gonna come with longer ones soon

[sushibuild]

🎃 Halloween Giveaway Alert! 🎃

Hey everyone! To celebrate this spooky season, I'm excited to host a Halloween giveaway! Want to join in on the fun? Check out the details below:

🎉PRIZE : Sims 4 GAME PACK (Vampire , Werewolf , Realm of Magic) you can choose one of these or Steam gift card 20$. There will be 1 winners in total.

How to participate in this giveaway?

🧡 Follow SUSHIBUILD on tumblr

💬 Comment Which fantasy creature is your favourite?

🧡 Like & Reblog This Post!

The winner will be randomly selected from those who follow the rules and will be contacted directly. If the winner doesn’t respond within 24 hours, a new winner will be chosen.

📅 Giveaway Ends: October 31, 2024, GMT +7.

✨ Good luck, everyone! ��

*This code is for PC/Mac user only.

Socials : Patreon | Tiktok | Instagram

[dilflover-4ever]

Someone Older 1

Josh Kiska x f!reader 

wc: 1.2k

Summary: Having a crush on your best friend's older brother is normal. It is just something about an older, “cool” teenager that appealed to you in your preteen years. Almost everyone experiences this, but is it still normal when he is 8 years older? Yes, your best friend, Sam,  was older than you but he was like a brother and something about Josh was so intoxicating. The crush didn’t leave when he left for college, he stayed in the back of your mind throughout all of those years. Hell he plagued your mind through your last years of highschool and first of college. So what are you supposed to do when he moves in with Sam near the college you and he attended.

Minors DNI!!!

Warnings: none for now :)

Also not all like timelines and ages match up, for instance, The twins and Sam are eight years apart rather than three making Sam your "age".

a/n: First chapter! just setting the scene and plot really. nothing interesting yet sorry. trust me it will get there. Lowk shit writing and editing but don’t let that deter you!

~~~~~~~

You walked out of your last class of the day, exhaling a deep sigh and relaxing your tense shoulders. You only had two classes but the lectures seemed never ending and you caught your head dropping multiple times throughout. On your walk to the parking lot you decided coffee was the perfect thing to perk you up. You and Sam decided living off campus was the better option. After a couple weeks of scouting out the perfect one, you chose one that allowed you both to have your own apartment but be down the hall from one another. Ultimately deciding against being roomies, there were just too many cons rather than pros. Starting your car you pull out your phone to locate the nearest Starbucks and connect to bluetooth, allowing Fleetwood Mac to emit from the speakers. Once you got there you texted Sam to see if he wanted anything figuring you would stop by his pace to say hi anyways.

You

Hey Im at starbucks, want me to pick you up anything?

His response came in right as you got in line.

Sammy

Yes pls! Can you get me a grande iced chai latte?

You hearted his answer as you neared the counter. After ordering you stood by the receiving station, waiting for your name. You opened instagram on your phone and waited for it to refresh your feed. As it finally loaded the first post immediately caught your eye. It was Sam's older brother Josh, he was posing with some friends in front of a beautiful sunset descending behind a canyon. He had captioned it, “great travels with great friends”. You instantly liked it and typed out a quick comment, “that sunset😍”. This was normal, growing up so close with Sam only made you like another member of his family. Over years you became close with everyone, and besides Sam, you were closest with Josh. While Sam, Jake, and Ronnie were like your extended family, Josh was more like a real friend. Well real friend that you had a real huge crush on.

You were torn when he left for college, you never knew if you would see him again, which was a little dramatic but you were a hormonal preteen. You didn’t know how your relationship with him would be when you saw him again. Yet every year without fail when the holidays came around, Josh and Jake would return home and Josh still remained as close to you as he could. You had always been jealous when he would bring girls around growing up. You compared them to yourself and in the end always remembered you would have a connection with him and they would only be there for a time period. In your later years of highschool and last year in your first year of college, you dreamt of pursuing him and confessing your feelings but always fought against it in fear of losing everything.

Your thoughts were cut off as your name was called, the drinks being placed down catching your eye. You muttered a ‘thanks’ and grabbed two straws, heading towards your car. Pulling into the complex, you parked next to Sam in your usual spot and gathered your things. You walked up the flight of stairs and while slightly out of breath, you entered your key to his apartment into the lock. You both had one copy of the other key just in case. You walked into no sight of Sam. Setting the two drinks and your bag down on the counter you called out his name softly not knowing what he was doing and not wanting to disturb him.

After looking through the small apartment you pulled out your phone to try and see his location, even after seeing his car out front. Before you could open your phone you saw movement on the balcony. After seeing it was Sam you made your way to the door with a bright smile. But before you could open the door you saw he held his phone to his ear with a serious look on his face. It was then that you decided waiting for him to finish his call was the best option. Taking a seat on the couch with both drinks waiting on the coffee table, you began to scroll socials, relaxing into the soft cushions. You kept a mental note to ask him where he purchased the piece of furniture.

It seemed like a whole day had passed before Sam opened the door when in reality it was only another ten minutes. He saw you snuggled up on his couch, looking up at him with tired eyes. He sat next to you and perked up at the sight of his beloved drink. “Oh thank you so much this is just what I need right now.” He said, leaning to take a sip. “Yeah it's no problem, is everything alright Sammy? You looked pretty stressed out there.” You questioned with a concerned look. He sighed loudly and pressed his body weight into the back of the couch with his eyes squeezed shut. “Yeah it’s nothing, don’t worry about me.” He tried to reassure you by opening his eyes to give a small sweet look. You didn’t buy it though, the advantage of growing up together, you knew his emotions and how his brain worked like the back of your hand. “C’mon Sammy I know it’s not nothing. You can tell me, what's bothering you?”

He readjusted, now facing you. “Well you know how Josh and Jake are trying to open that record store?” He started, you nod in response. “Well there's some technical issues and Jake has to continue another 6 months of his online business thingy before they can start it.” He finished. “Oh well that’s not so bad Sammy, why does it have you so down and tense.” You asked further, not really seeing how the continuation of Jake's course affected Sam. “It is because Josh already finished it and so now he has to wait. The thing with that is, they're looking to open up here, a little ways downtown. Josh decided he would come early and learn the area.” He put up quotations on that last part as he said it. You nodded but still had confusion littered across your face. He took that as a queue to give it to you straight after realizing you hadn’t caught on. “Mom offered for Josh to come live with me for the time being.” Realization hit you and your mouth formed an O shape.

Your mind started racing along with the rapid thumping of your heart. Josh? Living this close to you? For six months? You swear you could pass out at the thought of him being in your life constantly again. Maybe now you could pursue him and see if reciprocated. That moment you decided this was a good thing but you had to play it off as ‘no big deal’ to Sam who was clearly taking it wrongly. “Oh it's okay Sam I know you love him, it will be just like old times!” You attempted to cheer him up and rubbed his shoulder lovingly. He grumbled at that and reached for his drink. “When will he move in?” You asked. “Next week.” He mumbled around the straw.

After a couple hours you headed out and towards your own apartment. Now in the space of your own you could let your thoughts wander. All of them being about Josh obviously. How would you prepare to have him so present in your life again? You couldn't answer that question and sat down at your desk to finish a paper before tomorrow.

~~~

Currently working on chapter 2

[svechnikovvv]

ever since toronto (1)

series masterlist: here

y/n.drysdale

liked by jamie.drysdale and others

y/n.drysdale off season (:

view comments

jamie.drysdale who is this? what’s his name, address, social security number, license plate number, etc 🤨

y/n.drysdale this is why charlie is the better brother 😊

jamie.drysdale he’s what? 🧏‍♂️

y/n.drysdale jamie, we’ve told you to replace the batteries in your hearing aids dozen of times 🤦‍♀️

jamie.drysdale free sister for sale, who wants her?

y/n.drysdale i’m older than you, you can’t sell me🙄

jamie.drysdale not right now you’re not.

trevorzegras i’ll take her 🙋‍♂️

jamie.drysdale i’ll hose you down, trevor. i told you to stop hitting on my older sister

trevorzegras seniority rules and i’m older than you, so you’re not the boss of me. y/n, im all yours (;

y/n.drysdale i hate to burst your bubble, trevorzegras, but contradictory to mrs beyoncé, im not a single lady

trevorzegras WHAT??? MY LIFE IS CRUSHED. how will i ever cope with my juliet being stolen from me 😔

y/n.drysdale go do a money spread

trevorzegras all i have are ones right now

y/n.drysdale go show off your george washington’s🙏

jackhughes 😧😧

y/n.drysdale shhhh

jamie.drysdale noooo. hughes, you know something so share with the class. we’re all waiting

jackhughes I PLEAD THE FIFTH (was that good y/n?)

y/n.drysdale perfect hughesy. just like we rehearsed

jackhughes mom will be so proud

jamie.drysdale STOP SWITCHING SUBJECTS. JACKSON, WHO IS MY SISTER DATING???

jackhughes it says i cant share secrets in the bestfriend contract

jamie.drysdale theres a contract now??

y/n.drysdale there’s always been a contract 🙄

trevorzegras it’s rule #3 in the contract to not share secrets

jamie.drysdale YOU SIGNED IT TOO????

trevorzegras duh

lhughes_06 🫣🫣

jamie.drysdale you hughes’ and your stupid cryptic messages

y/n.drysdale you’re just mad i told them before you 🙄

jamie.drysdale does trevor know who it is too??

y/n.drysdale no ofc not

trevorzegras HEY

y/n.drysdale sorry zegras

jamie.drysdale i feel somewhat better now

y/n.drysdale anyways, soon lukey. soon.

trevorzegras this is almost as exciting as a face reveal

jamie.drysdale you embarrass me so much, i’m locking you out trevorzegras

user1 these conversations are such comedy gold 😭

user2 i love the drysdale siblings

user3 WHO IS THAT MAN AND WHY DON’T WE KNOW WHO IT IS???

user4 i feel like we need to see the bestfriend contract rules now

user5 it’s so not bestie like of you to gatekeep your man

y/n.drysdale soon 🤞

_quinnhughes the dog is adorable

y/n.drysdale thanks q. still gotta decide a name for him

_quinnhughes should name him thor

y/n.drysdale YOU GENIUS

jackhughes don’t inflate his ego

jamie.drysdale quintin, do you know who my beloved, amazing, (insert more adjectives here), sister is dating?

_quinnhughes nope

jamie.drysdale there goes my only hope

colecaufield DOG!!!

y/n.drysdale he said his first words 🥹 let me grab my camera and take a picture for the album

_alexturcotte who is this mystery man???

y/n.drysdale a woman never reveals her secrets

_alexturcotte pretty sure it’s a magician, but okay

y/n.drysdale pretty sure it’s not, but okay!

user6 the dog >>>

liked by y/n.drysdale

user7 is nobody paying attention to the caption??

user8 time to do some instagram digging to find out who he is

masonmctavish23 where was my invite? 😧

y/n.drysdale got lost in the post. sorry big mac

masonmctavish23 i see where loyalties lie 😔💔

y/n.drysdale you’re still my favorite canadian, don’t worry

jamie.drysdale what?

y/n.drysdale keep scrolling, this isn’t about you

johngibson36 they grow up so fast (‘: soon you’ll be married with two dogs

y/n.drysdale love you too dad!

a/n: first part 🤭 the plot will progress the further we get going, trust

tags: @jackhues @jackhughesily @nowandkei @starsandhughes @jhughesl0v3r

[judes-hoe]

Little Late ~ KM7

Parrings~ Kylian Mbappé x reader

Summary ~ Kylian is coming in late to your almost 4 year old daughters life, and wants to restart

Warnings ~ a little angsty, will have happy ending cause I can’t do sad endings😭.

A/N~ idk were this idea came from buttt hope you enjoy it I don’t think I have a lot of Kylian lovers that read my blog

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s been 4 years since you and Kylian broke up, you now live in a small 2 bedroom 1 bedroom apartment with your soon to be 4 year old daughter. You’ve been posting your daughter on instagram and Snapchat.

It was around 1pm, making your daughter some lunch because she just woke up from a nap. You hear a knock at your door you furrow your eyebrows, you quickly plate the Mac and cheese for your daughter and give it to her with some juice. “Here baby eat up, I’m gonna go get the door.” You told her setting the plate in front of her at the small dining table. “Ok mama,” Savannah said eating her food.

You walk over to the door and open it slowly, you see someone you don’t expect. “Tell me she’s mine please, I need to know,” Kylian said with pleading eyes. “She’s yours..” you said quietly. “Can I see her?” He asked. “Kylian…” you said with a soft voice. “Please, knowing I have a daughter now is…I can’t explain..” he said. “Fine follow me..” you said letting him in.

You walk over to the dining table and see Savannah is half way done with her food. “Savannah, baby, I want you to meet someone..this is your dada..” you said softly. “Dada?” She asked. “Mhm..dada this is dada..” you said. “Hi baby..” Kylian said keeping his distance not wanting to scare her. You could see the scared and confused look in her eyes. “Sweetie finish eating, Kylian let’s go talk..” you said taking Kylian to the couch.

“H-how…w-when?” He asked. “The night we had a fight and broke up, I was gonna tell you but I didn’t..I still should’ve told you though..” you said softly. “How old is she?” He asked again. “She’ll be 4 in a few months,” you told him. “I’m sorry for everything, you didn’t deserve going through that alone…” he said guilty. “Well I’ll allow you to see her and be apart of her life now..” you told him. “Really?” He asked. All you did was nod your head, you look down in your lap and speak again. “She knows your her dad, I made sure to show her pictures of you and the both of us together and sometimes we’d sit and watch you play if you had a match” you told him quietly.

He was a little shocked to say. “So she knows who I am and doesn’t think I’m a complete stranger..good..” he said quietly. Kylian looked at you and watched as you still had your head hung low. He lifts your head up with his hand under your chin. “mon amour, I miss you a lot and still love you and regret everything..” he said as he moved his face closer. “I miss you too Kylian, I still love you also..” you said and looked down at kid lips. “Kiss me mom bébè..” he said.

You lean in a give him a kiss, he holds your face and rubs his thumb against your cheek. “I’m willing to start fresh again with you and be part of my daughter’s life..” he said pulling away and looking at you. “I’m willing to restart also..” you said looking at him.

You and Kylian talk a little more before your daughter walks up over to you crawling into your lap. “You need something baby..” you ask her. “That dada?” Savannah asked. “Yeah that’s dada..” you said. “Can I hold her?” Kylian asked. You nod your head and tell Savannah to go over to him. She gets off your lap and walks over to his lap climbing in it. “Dada!” She said excitedly. You can’t help but smile at them. “Hi mom bébè, I promise to make up for my absence time with you” he whispered but you heard him and it made you happy that your restarting with him and he’ll make up for his absence in your daughters life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[intothedysphoria]

Steve was meant to be working on his confidence. Billy wasn’t helping.

Autistic skill regression had hit him pretty hard after he broke up with Nancy and what had used to be Steve just being a usual dumb jock with a social life landed him slap bang into special ed. Because he’d traded in a stealth hate watching Kalvin Garrah life of parties, hookups where he never really took his clothes off and being King Steve, to not even being able to leave his house and struggling to talk.

Billy was meant to be a social coach, whatever that meant and get him back on his feet so that he’d actually be able to go to college without having a mental breakdown. What Billy was actually doing was making Steve freak the fuck out.

He was remarkably academic, a straight A student who mouthed off just enough teachers to stay popular while helping his single mom with his younger brother Max. He was hot, fit, creative and Steve had to use an aac device to ask for a glass of water.

Even Robin liked him and Robin hated pretty much everyone. That just rubbed salt into the wound of high school hiring a friend for him.

At first, he resisted it as much as humanly possible. Every opportunity he got, Steve would give Billy the slip and crawl back into the janitors closet with his notepad and sketchbook. Then get a lecture from his parents and the principal about it being for his own good. He couldn’t just refuse to talk to people forever.

Steve decided to take that as a personal challenge.

Billy took it all in his stride of course. That was the bit that pissed off Steve the most. He could be the most bitchy King Steve diva and the guy wouldn’t even be phased. Nobody was allowed to be that perfect.

Then Steve found out about Neil. The puzzle pieces started to slot together a little easier after that.

He decided to go a little easier on Billy. Begrudgingly, they got through the worksheet about appropriate responses to the word hello (patronising drawings included) and made it onto the shopping scenario. Billy decided to take a smoke break after that.

They both smoked in silence for five minutes. It was a nice change of pace and god did Billy look hot while smoking. Steve kept that thought to himself.

He got invited to Billy’s house that night. His younger brother opened the door, rolled his eyes and yelled like a banshee until Billy came skidding across the hall, hair still wet from a shower. Probably had a date afterwards as a treat for hanging out with someone as dumb as Steve.

The hangout was mostly sitting on Billy’s bed, laughing at truly horrendous archived Instagram posts until dinner. Billy had actually made him dinner. Mac and cheese.

Steves favourite.

Things were different when Steve came back to school on the Monday. There was an invitation to sit at Billy’s table at lunch, with the cool kids. Steves old friends. He took it.

Steve had really missed Carol. She was great and seemed genuinely excited to have Steve back. Even if he’d gone nonverbal again so couldn’t really talk to her properly.

Billy was absolutely jubilant. Of course it was probably just because he wouldn’t have to be saddled with Steve for much longer, but Steve chose to believe it was because he genuinely wanted Steve to be happy.

The crush had also become rapidly apparent, much to Steve’s dismay. Billy wasn’t doing much good for the matter considering how touchy feely he’d started being. It started out with just shoulder squeezes and a friendly arm across Steve’s shoulder but then they started cuddling. Billy kissing Steve’s cheek. In school. So Steve started doing it back because he certainly wasn’t complaining and hell maybe this was how straight guys acted nowadays.

It was very confusing and looking up why is my friend kissing me just led him to a porn site. But asking why it was happening might have made it stop so Steve just didn’t.

Then Billy asked him to the prom. That was even more confusing.

So Steve did the intelligent thing and asked “like, as bros right?”

Billy appeared to be doing his best impression of a startled horse at that question so Steve made the guess that he may have committed some sort of social faux pas.

Then he very patiently explained that they’d been dating since the day of homemade mac and cheese. That put a lot of things in perspective.

Steve said yes. Billy cried.

Then Steve discovered that a gay makeout beat a “he’s just straight and this is what straight guys do now” makeout by a mile.

This fic is a gift for @dragonflylady77 who is amazing and deserves the world (for any allistics reading unfortunately school assigning you a friend if you’re autistic is a very real experience 💀)

[punkeropercyjackson]

My Rachel Elizabeth Dare headcanons

Natural redheaded and greeneyed yoruba nigerian second gen inmigrant.She's darkskin with 4d hair

Autistic with schizophrenia

No masking game and that's her and Percy's special connection origin

Dresses like Miss Frizzle but with punk accents.Example:Gaudy dress with colorful tights,demonias,a spike collar and pink tears eyeliner

Aroaceflux,lesbian and a trans woman.Her and Percy define their dynamic as either queerplatonic sapphic girlfriends or exes to even closer best friends depending on the Percyverse(I have two-Persephone Jackson,which is regular tgirl Percy,and Perseo Jackson,which is transfem bigender Percy and some more canon compliant)

She grows up to disenmantle her father's company to replace it with a solarpunk international bussiness and Percy and her go to protests and do activism together and she rubs off her gender presentation on her a bit or rather helps her realize they kinda have similar ones

Her full initials being RED was on purpose because she likes to think she's funny(and she right)

Her special interests are art,weirdcore,green,enviormentalism and anarchy,her safe foods are mac and cheese joll of rice and slurpies,her stims are yelling flappy hands and physically crashing(no,really)and her blue hairbrush became a safe item post Botl

Perfectly nigerian-american in the sense that she's happily at peace with both her cultures(AFRICAN-american tyvm)

A complete bombshell.She's pretty,cute,hot,beautiful-If there's a word for attractive,it fits Rachel.Much like Percy,it flies way over her head thanks to the lifelong bullied outcast status until high school starts and she gets to Camp Half-Blood and has every other girl throwing themselves at her and unlike,she actually wanted all of them so she had tons of lesbian adventures and came out with hot girl mentality.Her endgame is undecided by me because she's too good with literally every girl her age

Her and Jason are pretty good pals that became through Percy and same for Nico and Hazel.If Jercy,she's Percy's best woman at their wedding and i can see Daregrace as a thing either poly or on it's own,it's an excellent ship that would 100% happen(lesbian Rachel isn't something i'm too firm on,i also love bi Rachel).She bonds with Percy's kids(meaning Nico and Hazel)pretty well since she's such a sweet and fun person and they share interests

She went on her own Kane Chronicles Adventure with Zia,Walt and Anubis and got powered up for a hot minute thanks to her african roots(I'm black myself but if this is offensive lmk!!).They still talk on the regular and even metup irl again once and she was the first to meet norse demigods because she housed Alex in secret for a few weeks before Mr Dare found out and kicked her out and they had a heartwarming reunion years later

"C'mon,you can't be a REAL redhead,you're black!Just say you wanted attention!" "I'm not gonna suck you off bro,can you let me play with my Tamagotchi in peace?It's gonna kill itself just to get away from you and then you'll owe me money.At least use your free time to take a shower or something else productive like apologizing to your Mama." ".....O-Okay,sorry for bothering you."

Her favorite holiday is Valentine's Day purely for the aesthetics,she's a Final Girls Fangirl,she knows how to draw in artstyles that don't exist and she has an instagram that she only made so she could use it with her best friends but eventually she also came up with the idea to use it for education and activism so now it's got two sides to it

[themoongirls12]

240925 | 0ct0ber19 instagram post 🐰

📍The ARTMS U.S. Tour is over!

To all the countless Ourii we met over the past month and a half, I just want to say thank you so much. Through this tour, we realized how much love ARTMS receives. Thank you for the overwhelming love and support even from so far away. ♡

Let’s all stay healthy. Until the day we meet again! Love u all♡

Y a los Ourii de la Ciudad de México♡

Gracias por pasar el último concierto conmigo.

¡Fue una noche realmente feliz!

Hasta que nos volvamos a encontrar, no se olviden de ARTMS y recuérdennos siempre. ¡Gracias y los quiero mucho!♡

그리고 6주 동안 우리 MODHAUS 직원분들, 공연팀 감독님들, 헤메스! 외에 수 많은 분들도 고생 많으셨습니다 ♡

2주 뒤에 봬요 ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ 남은 투어도 파이팅!!

(🎵 Mac Miller - Stay)

[jovenshires]

endless au edits: smosh theatre’s seasonal lineup (4/4)

the final show smosh announced is perhaps one of the most exciting. the company's very own kiana parker is taking on an ambitious yet classic show for their autumnal production - wicked. whispers about this show started last year, when a chemistry read between les miserables stars angela giarratana and amanda lehan-canto went viral online. fans began clamoring for a show that starred the two of them, and wicked had been suggested more than once. after the lineup announcement, parker took to twitter to say, "you asked for it, and thankfully, smosh let me do it. have a nice trip, see you next fall." parker, known for advocating for female crews and female-led productions, clearly has her ear to the ground, and, for nearly two years, has been lobbying to make this show a reality. although it could have gone either way, i, personally, am thrilled to see amanda lehan-canto as elphaba. though lehan-canto is often noted as a comedic actress, from last year's production of les miserables, we know that she can bring the house to tears. with her often dry, punchy humor and intense acting skills, lehan-canto is a perfect fit for the likable, yet misunderstood, heroine of the production. following the announcement, on her personal instagram, lehan-canto posted a photo of herself with giarratana, stating, 'unadulterated loathing <3 see you in november.' giarratana, who will be playing glinda, reposted this to her story, as well as posting on her twitter how 'excited she was' to be in this production, despite 'how much time' she'd have to spend with lehan-canto. giarratana is a bubbly, upbeat actress with an incredible voice - a perfect choice for the good witch. this is her first time leading a smosh show, and i could not think of someone more up for the task. rounding off the group of the strong actresses, kimmy jimenez is taking on the demure, yet devious character of nessarose. jimenez is known for being the heart of the theater, playing kind and caring characters, and while in some ways this role plays to her strengths, it also offers her a unique challenge i'm excited to see her take on. she and lehan-canto are close friends, and i am certain that factored into parker's decision to cast them as sisters. rounding out the cast are an often-linked comedic duo, jeremy elder and patrick mcdonald. mcdonald and elder are known for their incredible chemistry and comedic timing, and while they aren't necessarily partnered here, they are also certainly suited to their respective roles. elder's dancing background will make him a perfect fiyero, and mcdonald's work in character acting will lend to an excellent performance as boq. elder posted some of the choreography to 'dancing through life' on his story today - a sneak peek into what will be an incredible show. as with every show we've discussed in smosh's lineup, wicked looks incredible. it has one of the strongest casts i've seen this year as well as an amazing crew - including parker's stage head selina garcia, who has also been choreographing most of smosh's shows for the past few years. i am excited to see this show - and to see all of these shows. this is not the end of my smosh coverage; i am thrilled to announce my partnership with smosh theater, and that i will be covering all of their shows, from process to production. until next time. - mac kahey

[focusontheheart]

Find questions and answers here, tagged with #foth: FAQs. Other hype and general asks can be found under the tag #foth: asks and answers.

This FAQ post will be updated periodically.

---

Q: When is the release date for Focus On the Heart?

A: The projected release date is Spring 2024.

---

Q: How much will it cost?

A: Focus On the Heart will be free to play!

---

Q: What platforms will Focus on the Heart be available on?

A: It will be available to play on PC and Mac.

---

Q: How can I support Focus On the Heart?

A: Engagement! Like us on Twitter and Instagram, retweet our posts, comment on previews, etc. On Tumblr, reblogs are the best, and send in asks! Our teams are all working exceptionally hard to deliver a memorable experience to Horizon fans, and seeing our fan works shared is beyond appreciated.

Everything we have been working on has been 100% volunteer work, made by fans, for fans.

---

Q: What determined the looks/style/etc. of the game and the characters?

A: Beyond our standards for the sprites, all route artists had free rein and were responsible for choosing what Aloy wore and what style they drew their routes in!

---

Q: How did you decide which romance options to go with/ Why is there no [character I ship Aloy with]?

A: Every ship featured in Focus on the Heart is here because of volunteer teams who wanted to write and draw for them. When FOTH was first brainstormed, @chloefraazers put a call out on Tumblr with information about the project and asked for volunteers. In this ad, she tagged the major ships of Horizon, and in the post she mentioned that we are open to other ships if there was a writing and artist team able to commit. In addition, she put the call in the multi-ship Horizon server, and @kittleskittle reached out on Twitter. It took about a week for the teams we have to fill up, and there were initially others that had interest (we had a writer for a Yarra path, and an artist for Ikrie) but unfortunately neither could get full teams together. In the interest of moving forward, we went ahead with 8 – and a nice balance between female and male love interests!

---

Q: When do the events of Focus on the Heart take place?

A: Our stories takes place around 3 months after the events of the Burning Shores DLC and her adventures in the ruins of Los Angeles. During this time, she’s been recovering from an injury and poring over datapoints with Beta and Sylens, searching for anything to help prepare for the looming threat of NEMESIS—until she receives a message regarding a companion’s goings-on that piques her interest.

[woven-birds]

ೃ ⁀➷

hello! <3

this is my main tumblr, it doesn’t really have a theme i just post whatever i like and what speaks to me. i have a few side blogs that are a bit more uniform that i’ve linked below if you’d like to check them out. :) 18 + only please!

i’m kristen. i am an avid daydreamer. vegetarian. mom to two boys. bookworm. neurodivergent (AuDHD). 29. infp.

🌜🌞 taurus sun, gemini moon, libra rising 🌞🌛

i live in upstate new york. i read too many books and drink copious amounts of tea & coffee. i’m obsessed with anything antique or from a bygone era. my hair is always messy no matter how hard i try to make it look decent. i am comprised of dresses, flowers, & dreams. i’m forever sleepy. i still love playing on playgrounds. i often feel homesick for places that i’ve never been. my head is always in the clouds; i’m perpetually daydreaming. i feel most at peace in nature. i am a true crime/horror junkie. a self proclaimed weirdo. a proud member of the silly goose club. i am just a sensitive soul trying to find my way through life. if i’m not reading, writing, doing a puzzle, playing a video game, or baking, you can probably find me listening to music, overthinking, or being anxious. sometimes if you’re lucky it’s all three. i’d rather be thrifting or looking at the stars.

my favorite sounds: trains in the distance (it’s an incredibly lonely sound but it’s strangly comforting to me in a way), birds singing, rain hitting the window, the keys of a typewriter, book pages turning, cats purring, clocks ticking, the sound of leaves crunching when you step on them in autumn, the crackling sound a record makes when the needle first touches it.

these are a few of my favorite things: flower crowns, old hollywood, gardens, fairies, teacups & teapots, fairy tales, bunnies, squishmallows, sharks, outer-space, macarons, graveyards, dresses, handwritten letters, studio ghibli, pressing flowers between the pages of my favorite books, strawberries, the smell of books, flowering tea, wes anderson films, bookstores & libraries, cuddling, butterflies, floral print, cozy sweaters, candles, when smells act as time machines, penny presses, everything about autumn, holding hands, rainy dreary days.

music: fleetwood mac, turnover, nirvana, the front bottoms, andrew mcmahon, chappell roan, bon iver, sonic youth, phoebe bridgers, david bowie, death cab for cutie, yeah yeah yeahs, mitski, ghost, the smiths, ethel cain, type o negative, pixies, the cure, faye webster, spiritbox, lana del rey, coheed and cambria, alexandra savior, fiona apple, sleep token, deftones, billie eilish, the story so far, taylor swift, eliott smith, bright eyes, florence + the machine, blink-182, & more.

tv: buffy, gossip girl, bridgerton, supernatural, doctor who, grey’s anatomy, the x files, the vampire diaries, yellow jackets, peaky blinders, last of us, outlander, new girl, it’s always sunny in philadelphia, walking dead, parks & rec, charmed, twin peaks, friends, what we do in the shadows, schitt’s creek, degrassi, community, pretty little liars, etc.

films: i love horror movies (terrifier, scream, & halloween are my favorites). i am also obsessed with studio ghibli, wes anderson, & audrey hepburn films. <3

books: my all time favorite books are jane eyre & pride and prejudice. i am also a fan of thrillers, poetry, fantasy, and a sucker for a cheesy romance book (sue me). always opened for book recommendations if you’d like to send me one! (:

my side blogs: @teacuploveletter // @fairieslivehere // @shesdaydreamingagain // @arainyautumnnight // @porcelainmoons // @clumsyhoneybee // @grungyfairy // @snowandtinsel //

other places you can find me:

instagram - kristenisdaydreaming

pinterest - magicwildflowers

twitter - rainygirl53

snapchat - rainygirl53

discord - kristenisdaydreaming

spotify

sometimes i ramble about things/write

{posts are mostly from my queue (i’m usually far too lazy to tag them as such haha). also please feel free to ask or tell me anything, if you feel so inclined. <3}

tags: music // films // television // art // quotes // food // books // fashion // nature // flowers // tea // coffee // animals // doctor who // supernatural // pokémon // bridgerton // buffy // autumn // space // moon // sky // makeup // landscapes // interiors // studio ghibli // disney // animal crossing // fairies // important reminders // sanrio // sailor moon // vinyl //

(last updated november 2024)

[warringwarrioridiot]

"They was asking for it"

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ASKING FOR?? A BIG FAT BASEBALL BAT TO THE BACK OF THE SKULL AT FULL SPEED MAX ISTG

Mfs like this need to take a long walk off of a short cliff cus if I EVER catch them I'm gonna commit some good old fashion homicide.

If you say things like "You should've enjoyed it" or "at least you got some" I'm tracking your IP and shoving ten cacti in your anal hole and/or vagina.

"game is game 🤪"

You need to shut your ketchup stain, Junkrat main, micro brain, aluminium chain, ankle sprain, CHOCOLATE RAIIIIN, with your runny nose dirty toes lick hobos cOwAbUnGa BrOs, Dude, I want you to look at your entire life. All your life choices. And tell me when you had an original idea in your brain. Your ass got kicked out and disowned and you started aggressively tapping the home button on your IPhone "Oh, help. Why is it not working?". YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE IS LIKE A NARUTO FILLER EPISODE, MY BOY! YOUR PRANKS ARE AS REPETITIVE AS THE AD "Whopper, Whopper, Whopper, Whopper" YOUR BRAIN IS JUST AS REAL AS THE LOVE YOUR PARENTS HAVE FOR YOU! YOUR GRANDMA GAVE BLING BLING BOY A LAP DANCE FOR PAY DAY. Wait hold on! *Punch punch punch* GIVE ME THE MONEY YOUR GRANDMA! I JUST ROBBED YOUR GRANDMA! I JUST HIT A LICK ON YOUR GRANDMA, HOW DOES THAT FEEL?! SHE POOR AS HELL NOW! YOU PUT A BALLOON ON YOUR HEAD AND THOUGHT IT WAS A DURAG! YOU LIKE RONALD MCDONALD FROM OHIO! "HEYA KID! YOU WANT A BIG MAC?!" WHEN YOU WALK DOWNSTAIRS YOUR WHOLE HOUSE STARTS RUMBLING! YOU BRING THE POWER OF EREN YEAGER AND 37 COLOSSAL TITANS DOWN YOUR STAIRCASE! AFTER YOU EAT DINNER YOU EAT THE PLATE AND THEN YOU EAT THE TABLE AS WELL! CHOMP CHOMP! YOU RENT OUT THE GAP BETWEEN YOU TEETH AS A PARKING SPACE FOR ANTS! YOU LOOK EMO ASF "CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES! THIS IS MY LAST RESORT! SUFFOCATION! NO BREATHING!" LOOK AT YOUR NOSE YOU HAVE TWO MARIO PIPES COMING OUT OF YOUR HEAD! YAHOO! LET'S A GO! THEY MADE A SEQUEL TO FINDING NEMO BASED OFF YOUR ASS CALLED "LOCATING CHROMOSOMES! IN THEATRES THIS JULY!" YOUR BEST FRIEND IS A RAT LIVING UNDER YOUR BED IN A PRINGLES CAN! YOU POSTED AN INSTAGRAM STORY ABOUT A JAMAICAN CRICKET GIVING YOU A LAP DANCE IN THE BACK OF TOYS R US! YOU TORTURED AN ANT BY TYING HIM TO YOUR BUTTHOLE AND FARTING ON HIM! I HAVE MORE ROASTS YOU KNOW! YOUR GRANDMA IS A DARK SOULS BOSS CALLED "THE WRINKLE!

EW NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO THERE IS NO WAY! THAT THIS... OLD ASS FART WRINKLE IS TALKING TO ME IN SUCH A DISRESPECTFUL MANNER. YOU KNOW IT'S ACTUALLY KINDA SAD YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO BE A GRANDPA NOW BUT INSTEAD OF ADVANCING YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHAIN YOU'VE INSTEAD SPENT YOUR DAYS ALONE IN YOUR ROOM READING HITLER MANIFESTOS AND COSPLAYING AS A FUCKIN' NEO NAZI. SO MANY YEARS AND SUCH LITTLE ADVANCEMENT. No seriously! Seriously I find it amusing THAT YOUR PENCIL PENIS DONKEY KONG BARREL BUILT LOOKIN' ASS WOULD ASSUME THAT I EVEN REMOTELY CARE ABOUT A SINGLE ONE. NO NO NO FUCK THAT. A SINGLE SYLLABLE OF THE VERBAL DIARRHEA GARGLE THAT'S COMING OUT OF THE DUSTY SARLAC PIT YOU CONSIDER TO BE YOUR FUCKING MOUTH! YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU MY FACE?? YOU WANNA SEE MY FUCKIN' FACE??? BITCH SHOW ME YOUR FUCKIN' HAIRLINE CAUSE I KNOW THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE SPEAKING TO ME RIGHT NOW DRESSED UP AS A GOD DAMN DIABOLICAL BOY SCOUT. NAH LOOK AT THEM TEETH. BOY YOUR TEETH IN CREATIVE MODE. HELL NAH BOY STOP PLAYING YOU TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT. BRO THEY GOT FOSSIL RECORDS FOR EACH ONE OF YOUR FAT ROLLS. NAH STOP PLAYING WITH ME BOY I CAN'T TAKE YO ASS SERIOUSLY WHEN YOU DRESS UP LIKE A GODDAMN MEDIEVAL TERRORIST. BRO IS ABOUT TO SHOOT UP HIS OLD FOLKS HOME WITH A CROSSBOW AND A FUCKING TREBUCHET. YA YEET DOM DOM DOM DOM DOM DOM! SHUT YO UGLY ASS UP. WHAT THE FUCK? A HE AHHH EEEEE SHUT UP BITCH. YOU WANT ME TO TURN ON MY CAMERA? YO DICK BUILT LIKE A INVERTED BANANA. YO FOREHEAD CRACKED UP LIKE THE AFRICAN SAVANNAH. I CAUGHT YOU AND YO SISTER BUTT NAKED LAST NIGHT. SWEET HOME ALABAMA. FUCK YOU THINK THIS IS? WHAT IS YOU WEARING WITH YO GODDAMN HONEY WHERE IS MY SUPER SUIT? NAH BOY LOOK AT YO ROOM, YO HOUSE DIRTY AS HELL. YOU GOT FOUR SEWER RATS IN YO BATH TUB RIGHT NOW FLOATING ON TOP OF A PIZZA BOX SINGING. "YO HO THIEVES AND BEGGARS". LIKE SHIT, BOY I CAUGHT YOU HAVING AN EMOTIONAL CONVERSATION WITH YO TOE NAIL LAST NIGHT. WE COULD'VE BEEN SUPER STARS REMEMBER WHEN WE AS JACKING CARS. YOU AND YO TOE NAIL WAS GOING TO BE THE DYNAMIC DUO. BITCH YOU WAS GONNA BE IN AMERICA'S GOT TALENT SWINGING THAT SHIT AROUND LIKE A FUCKING BOOMERANG. SHUT YO STUPID ASS UP. BRUH I CAUGHT YOU JACK SPARROW RUNNING AROUND YOUR HOUSE WHILE YOUR DAD WAS TRYING TO BEAT YOU WITH A TOILET PLUNGER LAST NIGHT. COME HERE BOY! SHUT YO ASS UP. BITCH EVERYTIME YOU TAKE A SHIT THE GAME OF THRONES THEME SONG STARTS PLAMMERING IN YO HOUSE.BUM BUA BUM BUDUM BUM. SHUT YO UGLY ASS UP BRUH.

Are you getting mad?

Are you getting mad?

DAMN You getting mad now! Cuz yo Legal name is Ledenhouser Strogenberg. Nah don't be Smiling now boy You ain't slick Boy! I caught you in the locker room after gym class Frantically wiping yo armpits down With a kleenex While tryna smell good For the girls In the hallway. OI ZOINKS! I GOTTA- I GOTTA HURRY UP. SHUT YO ASS UP YOU LIKE A DIABETIC TOASTER STRUDEL. YOU UGLY AHH AS HELL. YOU GOT THEM BIG ASS HUMPTY DUMPTY PANTS ON BRUH. YOU USE A FRUIT ROLL UP AS A BELT TO HOLD UP YO BUNG DU BUNGLA. Shut yo ugly Ass up You got Mineral deposits In your Belly button. You dumb As hell You thought Google drive Was a brand new Taxi service. Bitch yo Grandma Threw a Rage spell On the kitchen floor And started Smacking you with A weiner schnitzel. Shut yo ass up You a Diabolical Special needs Student. Boy you was In the back of a Short bus Maniacally Planning How you was gonna Take over Your school.HMMMMM YEAHHHHHHHHHH It will be MINE! Shut yo Ass up, Boy I caught you Butt Naked Playing gorilla tag With a mouse in your Kitchen. Yo ass Be sliding around The counters Like a paraplegic Frozone. Gotta Catch 'em ALL! Shut yo ass up With yo "I got a feeling Ooooooooo!" Everytime yo Grandpa Tickles yo Butthole. Shut yo Stupid ass up You thought the One chip challenge Was sticking a Hot cheeto Up your buttcrack. Ok! Here we go Everybody! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Shut yo Dirty ass up Get yo ass on bruh.

It's actually so fucking sad these people still exist in 2024.

Istg misogynists and forced birth extremists and rapists are the most atrociously ugliest love-lacking idiots.

Image ref:

I rest my fucking case, your honor. Kill every single one of these people before I do it myself.