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mygangtome · 6 years

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Do not be deceived by this charming moment, Gentle Readers! Blame is about to be laid!

@dreamersscape, granted, I have let your final question marinate for some time.

And before I speak, let it be heard and known that I LOVE ALLAN-A-DALE. In all his human disaster glory. Fight me if you don’t believe me.

I’m not going to tell another person they’re looking at a question like this wrong (it is an ethical question after all, so it makes sense that different people would see it differently).

But I must confess I see Allan as totally, wholly up-to-his-ears dirty in blame in the abuse, kidnapping, and murder of Marian.

Now, to be clear, I’m not saying that a court of law would legally find him culpable, unless perhaps a Good Samaritan law were in effect in Nottinghamshire (which, of course, it’s not). Allan’s actions in Season Two are, largely, in-actions, being passive in instances where choosing action could have saved the day.

Even in the kitchen, when Marian stops Robin from killing Allan, it is Allan’s in-action that is required/called for by Marian: don’t betray me. (Which is to say: DO NOTHING to betray me.) She doesn’t ask for protection, or even his loyalty. Hers is a requirement of ‘don’t’ rather than ‘do.’

So, what’s wrong with that? Allan doesn’t actively betray Marian. He doesn’t give her away, or proactively endanger her.

Well, if not legally culpable, moral culpability has something else to say.

In the spirit of the title of Chidi Anagonye’s unfinished book, “What We Owe Each Other”: Does Allan owe Marian? Does Allan owe Robin? How does Allan see his obligations to them/to being ‘a good man’?

Well, let’s be clear. Allan, by his own assertion, is stuck. When he fell in with good people, he acted as good man. However, he also continued to act good because of the positive rewards it brought him. We see this most clearly at the skivving off to Scarborough; though recall, that in falling in with Robin & Co. Allan escaped hanging (and dismemberment). When Allan believes his present reward system in helping Robin/gaining a Forest Family is set to terminate, he immediately falls back on his greatest hits: theft and escape.

Season Two starts with him still of this mindset. Yes, maybe the King is not imminently to return and Allan’s Forest Found Family to be lost to him, but Allan is high-key about getting paid [*for the record, @Robin, knowing the love languages of those around you/working for you can avoid you having to see them grossly betray and leave you. Give the man who really needs it to feel secure and valued some coin of his own, LORD HUNTINGDON (who has no personal interest money or wealth but who at one time had lots)]

Allan’s vocal about money, his lack of it, and he’s, obvious to anyone watching, about to act-out.

And yet, even in his ‘betrayal’ of the gang, before he is discovered, Allan is operating on some very specific self-imposed boundaries. There are things he’ll do for Guy (sending Roger of Stoke to his death, for one—but a man Allan doesn’t know and has no connection with—to whom he thinks he ‘owes nothing’), and things he won’t (tell Guy where the camp is). This, even after the torture that brought about what cooperation Guy has from Allan.

Allan is literally only willing to sacrifice knowledge that might make the gang’s outlaw life more complicated, not to risk the gang. Consider, even, that he also doesn’t tell Guy where Annie and baby Seth are. Allan is only there to give information when explicitly asked for it, and then only that he has deemed okay to pass on.

Allan, you see, in his own broken ethical code, believes he owes Robin.

Robin saved Allan from hanging in Episode One

Robin made Tom & Co. members of the gang, gave them a second chance, and was willing to rescue them at potentially great personal cost.

Robin has respect for Allan’s talents

Robin calls Allan his ‘brother’

Allan (in his own words) loves Robin

Owing Robin seems to mean owing Marian (who is Robin’s first concern), to whom Allan has a distant-at-best relationship even before he’s banished. And yet, Allan—of his own will and code—shows up at great personal risk at the camp to arrange for Marian to pull a con to make Guy think she’s at a convent.

Allan’s code tells him he owes Marian (Robin), and that he should work to keep her safe from Guy.

In the kitchen fight scene, Allan and Marian’s relationship takes on a new tie that binds when Marian dissuades Robin from taking Allan’s life.

Here, Allan gives Marian his word that he will never betray her. That he won’t give her away. He does not promise anything beyond NOT being the cause of her peril.

Perhaps this is how he rationalizes the fact that he does not assist Marian in escaping Guy once she’s revealed to be the Nightwatchman, and is locked in Locksley’s barn. (A situation, quite frankly, that Allan would have had little difficulty in subverting in the time he and Marian were arguing about his helping her). “Guy, I’ve caught the Nightwatchman!” as you have a sword at your side is NOT how you protect the woman you made a pledge to.

Half a handclap for trying to keep Guy from branding Marian with a hot poker before Guy knew who she was, but no points at all for failing to try and spin the situation by convincing Guy that Marian is simply impersonating the Nightwatchman, Allan.

Guy actually runs away, leaving the barn door open, the building unsecured. Lots of time for Marian and Allan to get out of Dodge. “I don’t have to do anything,” Allan tells her. “I’ve helped you wherever I can.”

Allan believes he should help Marian.

Marian tries to use Robin as a sweetener if Allan helps her, but she barely has time to start her pitch before Guy returns,

In 2x11, When Marian is caught out as the Nightwatchman, once back at the castle, Allan works very actively in preventing her escape (holding her and even picking her up to keep her from escaping after she built the fire) yet, then ultimately does risk himself to keep her secret, in a very ACTIVE, and not at all passive impersonation of the Nightwatchman, keeping her identity safe from Vaisey, and her safe from hanging. But doing nothing about her being trapped in the Castle (her identity now dangerously known).

Observe how easily Allan makes his escape in the Nightwatchman disguise. He could not have arranged something similar for Marian?

Note that when Marian thanks Allan for saving her life, he doesn’t say ‘we’re even now’. There is no reason to believe that Allan thinks his obligation to Marian is discharged (for her saving him from Robin)

The question persists from 2x11: Does Allan do this because he also finds this to be in Guy’s best interest? Has his loyalty at that point switched away from Robin and to Guy? Is it still in flux? Is Allan now agreeing to protect Marian because it’s what Guy would require/want?

Is Allan’s concern for Marian situational based on to whom she is most important? And from whom Allan’s survival is most imperiled? If that’s so, it explains why once Guy catches Marian, Allan doesn’t help her: Guy doesn’t want his help, Guy wants the Nightwatchman unmasked. And Allan taking no action helps bring that about.

At that moment, Marian loses any currency she had with Allan, if his believed obligations to her grow only from her value to powerful men that surround him.

If this is truly how Allan is thinking, he has strayed quite far from the ‘good man’ Djaq believes him to be.

And yet, Allan knows that Marian values him as a life, as a man with a potential to do good (she is always appealing to his potential to choose good)—not merely because of his connections with Robin and Guy. She directly opposes Robin when it is Robin’s will to kill him. She is the only resident of the castle that knows who/what he truly is, and yet she does not attempt to use that as leverage against him. There is no way he doesn’t know that she would oppose Guy or the Sheriff (physically if necessary) were they to try and have him killed.

But still we get the ‘going along with farting’ line.

What Allan owes Marian at that time (when she asks him to help her frustrate Team Castle’s attempt on the King’s life) is his mind. He owes her any thoughts of how to frustrate the assassination attempt on the king. But here we get another Roger of Stoke situation. Allan has no loyalty to the King (in the season one finale we see how much he fears Richard’s return), he was never going to be a Royston White shouting that he’ fought for Robin Hood and King Richard’. So Marian, who tries to incite him to action with news of the Sheriff’s scheme, needs a better motivation for Allan. What does he care if Richard is killed? A King a continent away he’s never met. Things are bleak in Nottingham. They were when he was with the gang. Now that he’s on Team Castle—well, Richard NOT returning is clearly the best option for that situation. And in his mind, he won’t even have to be the person to pull it off.

Marian’s pleas fall on deaf ears because she fails to successfully appeal to ‘which side [his] bread is buttered on’, to wit: “Allan, if you save the King and frustrate Guy and the Sheriff’s plans, I will tell Robin and get you back in with the gang, on salary.” Marian fails to understand Allan’s code and how he is motivated (similarly to Robin in never giving Allan any coin), and the results for her are catastrophic.

In order to carry on, Allan is deliberately embracing shortsightedness in his onscreen moments up to Marian’s kidnapping. He poo-poos her clearly viable belief that Team Castle are headed for the King, he calls her out of her depth for wanting to kill the Sheriff, even though he knows what she has been able to do as the Nightwatchman (ex. hold her own in fights with Guy).

From the moment Marian accepts Robin’s proposal, the dominoes begin to fall that lead to her murder. By preventing any of as many as ten situations, Allan (unlike Robin) could have circumvented Marian’s death. He is the closest to her, the most like an ally, the character who owes her the most.

And who fails to deliver on that in a way that would have protected her.

In 2x13 we see Allan awake while both the Sheriff and Guy sleep in the same room with him. He’s even got his sword. Kill either* of them in their sleep and steal the key to unlock Marian? Who he now has to know is being kidnapped to the Holy Land? Nope. Go to the barn, strike Marian’s shackles with his sword? Nope again.

[*the Sheriff is about to embark on a months-long odyssey to the Holy Land and back, so I assume he can be easily disappeared without worrying that Sir Jasper will order the razing of Nottinghamshire. Additionally, he’s at a distant inn in Portsmouth where nobody knows who he is, almost 200 miles from his post]

From what’s there onscreen, I hold Allan responsible for violating his own code toward Marian, as well as what I understand to ethically be what we owe each other. Granted, plenty of these issues are in point of fact plotholes or criminally unexplored motivations. But they’re what we’re given.

Now, @dreamersscape, don’t hate me.

Memories of better times. [ragged sigh]

a post by @nettlestonenell

#my gang to me 2018 #allan a dale #marian #lady marian #bbcrh #bbc robin hood #robin hood bbc

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fortescvez · 6 years

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[ KIT HARINGTON ] —— [ SEBASTIAN FORTESCUE ] is a [ THIRTY-TWO ] year old [ SON OF THE EARL OF SCARBOROUGH / GHOSTWRITER ]. They identify as a [ BISEXUAL CISMALE ] and I’ve heard that they’re [ EMPATHIC & CAREFREE ] but can also be [ BROODING & STUBBORN ]. [ HE ] has been living in London for [ FOURTEEN YEARS ] and has since been known as the [ VAGABOND ]

hi lovelies, i’m RAFFY, hailing from the possibly worst timezone in existence ( aka GMT+8 ) i love binge watching, playing pubg mobile, using em dashes, and thinking of angst. total segway, we should totally plot cause i’m literally down for anything !! here’s a lil about my baby bash :

— BACKGROUND !!

sebastian dean fortescue was born to lord arthur fortescue, earl of scarborough, and his lady beatrice — second and middle to two siblings.

life had been pretty normal for bash — well, as normal as it could be for someone born into a nobel family. piano lessons, horseback riding, fencing; among others. home-schooled meant he was in his own bubble. sheltered wasn't a word he knew at that point in his life.

at the age of seven, his parents decided to enroll him to a private school. baby bash was basically like fish out of water, having never really interacting with many kids his age, not counting kids of similar background as him. schooling would be his first taste of freedom, as his father and mother’s focus on him was gradually lessened, as they would be focusing on other things, such as their respective jobs, and more importantly, their eldest and youngest.

his relationship with his brother is strained, due to the unspoken rivalry of the two growing up -- bash having much more freedom to do whatever his heart desires, and his brother not having the same option ; while he is closer to the youngest, who shares his carefree nature.

skip a few years and so, when it was time for his higher education, he decided to take english lit & creative writing in london, much to his parents chagrin, since they had wanted him to take something at least medical related. ( he would have, but bash didn’t want his parents hanging over his head if he had took anything medical related )

after finishing his education, a couple times a year, he travels for a month or two to a place he’s never been to, trying things he’s never done before. currently, he’s working as a ghost writer for biographical novels to fund his travels. it’s his life, and he agrees that among the fortescue children, he is the lucky one.

— PERSONALITY !!

rebel at heart. someone’s telling him not to do something? fam bye, he’ll be out there figuring out how to do the thing anyway.

the type to stop and say hi to animals. yes, he’s that person. also side note, is totally a cat person, but loves dogs too.

that friend gives advice and is always there to listen but never really opens up himself? totally bash, because bottling up everything is totally healthy.

too much responsibility to a thing? bash be like: mmmm, sorry i cant read g2g

making friends? totally good at it. keeping them and making a solid connection? rocket science.

he’s not exactly the life of the party type, but dammit, he’s always down for good times. adventure comes in different shape and form, after all.

soft boy. probably the reason he always comes back to london even though he literally could just stay anywhere is that so he could check in occasionally with the children’s charity he frequents.

TLDR ;

bash was a sheltered, home-schooled baby until his parents started to focus more on his siblings and jobs, leaving him free to basically do whatever he wants.

WC ; ( these are very general ideas that we can expand on, if picked )

best / close friends

unlikely friends ( two opposite personalities getting along type )

neighbor

childhood friends whose family that run in the same circle as his

went to the same uni or private school

literally any kind of ex connection

met during one of his travels and meets again

#londonhq:intro #/ wow what the shit is this piece of crap

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dundasandsuffering · 3 years

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End of June... great visit with Charles. Very busy, spent two extra days and it felt like an extra week. Her shoes were out of date so we got some at Walmart. She's such an awesome kid. I am trying very hard to be useful to her. Mostly I want to wrap her in tortillas and gobble her up. I love her so much. She's always wanting me to toss her around and she's just on the edge of liftability for me. Must get stronger.

Lisa is still being an emotionally abusive asshole. And she makes demands like she wants me to take her back but insulting me the whole time like, uh, no. Thank you. No.

Supposed to bring her some supplies from Hazel tomorrow. To the Barrens of Scarborough. Met up with her brother Stuart and had a nice catch up. He invited me into his men's development cult. I accepted, am interested to see where it goes.

His dog is cute, I can see how he'd share custody of him. It's a bit bizarre to me but I guess to each their own. I wonder if his ex-wife is hot. I think I saw a picture and she is. Oh well.

Its June 30th, 2021 and I am feeling very down. Very depressed. I hope to just relax and detox after this last errand. I want her but she's so rotten, so toxic. I miss her and love her even though she's a dickhead banshee. Oh well. She told me the kid isn't mine again on the phone.

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phoenixknightv2 · 4 years

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State of the REALUnion: CoronaPaused (The version with a very raunchy yet funny yet true prospective moment)

Hi everybody,

First and foremost i hope everybody is doing well and staying safe during this tough time. It has not been easy, i can only imagine. My thoughts and prayers are with everybody during this time. I’m here tonight to bring some prospective on the current situation at hand. Here is what is on tap.

-The state of the Pandemic

-Conservative vs Liberal Media During this

-Personal Message for President Trump and Congress

-Where i stand

-A Message to my loved ones

In the Great Words of Chris Cuomo, Lets get after it.

The state of the Pandemic in the US

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Never in my lifetime, never in any of our lifetimes did we ever expect to go through something like this. Ever since the Influenza Pandemic, the swine flu, the H1N1, ebola. Those were easily controllable. CoVid-19, holy dear mother of god this has just gotten out of control. We’re reopening yet the numbers in a good chunk of the country have continued to go up. POTUS yet thinks that is a badge of honor. Seriously?!?!?!?!!??!?!!? In Texas, we are emerging as a hotspot. I’ll address that more in a bit. As i have said before, capitalism has taken over this country where the money talks. If money talks then ok there we go, we’re going to do what the money tells us. That is what the Red states like Texas, Florida, Georgia, etc have done. The Blue states continue to play it smart. New York especially.

The Winners of the CoVid 19 Pandemic

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Doctors

Nurses

Chris Cuomo

My Girlfriend

Joe and Mika Scarborough

Mitt Romney

Dr. Bright

My Father

His Team

H-E-B

Andrew Cuomo (Yes i know about the Nursing Home mistake. He’s been better than most Of Congress however. Congress does shady shit on purpose. No one bats a fucking eye)

Bernie Sanders

The Last Dance Documentary

President Obama

Dr. Fauci

Mayor Adler

Dr. Birks

Senator Lamar Alexander

Bill Lee

Mike DeWine

Liz Cheney

The Losers

---------------------------------------------------

Greg Abbott

Donald Trump

Dan Patrick

Ron DeSantis

Brian Kemp

Fox News

Sean Hannity

Louie Gohmert

The Majority Of the Rest of Congress

Trump Supporters

Now i get it, we all have to make money to survive but the experts continue to say hey reopening without a proper plan is not the way to go but a good chunk of the states especially the red states are saying no no no, we’re reopening anyways. Its because of the fucking money. Yes we need to survive. Yes we need to make money for rent, for food, for bills, for all the responsibilities and then when the responsibilities are caught up then for the fun shit. But if experts are saying woah woah woah hold on a second we’re rushing fast here, if we start to lean back on the things that were working to fight CoVid-19 then we’re going to have a second wave and it’s going to be alot worse. We are going to have to lock back down, and let me tell you what, if that happens Riots are going to happen and more people are going to die. Let me tell you this as well, it scares me.

It scares me for afew reasons.

1. Crimes are going to be at an all time high.

Note: My old man and i are ready to defend ourselves and our castle. If we have to fight to defend ourselves and our loved ones, i won’t be afraid to do so. I’m not going to let the stupidity of our state government and our federal government igniting sick people to start riots stop us from protecting our loved ones.

2. It scares me for my girlfriend and her cat (And i love that cat like it’s my own daughter)

3. It scares me for one of my best friends who lives alone and her dog. (I love that fucking dog like it’s my own nephew and it’s the closest thing to a doggy friend i have since my three dogs left me years ago when they left with my bitch of an ex stepmom)

4. It scares me for the vulnerable

5. Scares me for the kids

6. Scares me for the rest of my loved ones.

It is very disgusting and the more this immature shit continues to happen, the more the riots are likely and i will do whatever i have to do to protect my loved ones. This country is falling apart. Just earlier tonight, i got pissed off when my father told me that a good chunk of people were back downtown and a good chunk of them were not following the safety guidelines just after Dr. Escott said earlier yesterday, we are effectively flattening the curve but we need to continue to do so especially if we want events like ACL and Longhorn football to start on time. Governor Abbott even though he’s a greedy brainless little pussy (i’ll give him some points on SOME not all but some things. More here shortly) has even said now is the time more than ever to continue to follow the guidelines even though we are all getting out of lockdown. (I’m still not out of quarantine unfortunately because i along with my old man have major skepticism of reopening earlier. More on THAT later on) Continue to wear masks even though they’re not required. (Governor, come on. I know you’re alot smarter that. If masks aren’t require then why is A) The numbers continue to go up tremendously to the point of where we are now a hot zone. Oh but wait a minute we’re still going to open. B) Why are people deciding to NOT listen to you and are deciding to say HEY THE VIRUS IS OVER!!!!!!!!)

I’m sorry no it is not. As a matter of fact, the numbers continue to go up especially in the Lonestar State)

It’s going to be alot worse governor if you don’t do the right thing. We got one shot to do this right so you better pray to god you’re right because the 90,000 deaths are already on POTUS’s doorstep. Right now the Texas numbers recovery wise and death wise are actually pretty good. 29,359 Recovered and less than 2,000 people have died (RIP to those people by the way. My heart goes out to families of the victims of CoVid 19. I’am really deeply sorry that you’re going through this. It is saddening that y’all going through this.) Just really hope you don’t fuck it up governor. The cases continue to go up so hope you’re right and if you aren’t right, i’m going to laugh at you because of your failure and you realizing that ok i’m a moron.

To everyone who has lost someone or something, whether it’s your job, business, or someone you love and care about, i cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are going through. If there’s anything i can do whether it’s pray for you or be here for you just to talk to, i’m here. I will never fully understand but i’m here because i certainly don’t ever want that to happen to my loved ones.

Now before i continue, anybody wanna know why i posted a pic of this scumbag?!?!??!?! Because this ladies and gentlemen is Dan Patrick. Our Lt. Governor. I have criticisms of Abbott but this fuckass right here is well.....a fuckass. I would say Dipass like Rick did one time on Rick and Morty but no i’m going to take it a step further. Fuckass. You Dan Patrick are a die hard fuckass.

Here’s why...........

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fP1GkV06PYY

‘‘I’m sorry to say i was right on this!!”

A scumbag thing to say Mr. Lt Governor. Now what am i talking about?

When this first started, Dan Patrick said and i quote

‘‘There are senior citizens who are willing to die for the rest of us!!” ‘‘There are more important things than living!!”

I’m sorry what?!?!?!?!??!?!?! Yes i know the rest of what he said but Mr. Lt Governor that is the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard and one of the most crooked things i’ve ever heard. You sir i don’t give a rats ass if you’re 70, you deserve to get punched in the face. If not by me then by someone else or if at the very least a bag of diarrhea that consists of shit, hot sauce, the hottest tacos from torchys tacos, chips and queso. Because that is a shitty thing. Wanna know why?

Alot of my loved ones are the elderly. My grandma Sandra, my grandmother Bren, my grandpa Ben, and my grandfather Lou. And that’s just to name a few. But especially My grandma Sandra, Bren, and my grandfather Lou. Very close with them and you know what? I don’t want them to die. I want them to be able to meet the love of my life. And you know what else, i’m not the only one who has elderly loved ones that they’re close with. Alot of people in this country are close with their elderly relatives. That is a very offensive thing especially because almost 100,000 people are dead because of this virus. You should be ashamed of yourself Mr. Patrick. Lets address that second part. More important things than living? Money? Well how can we enjoy the money if we are dead? AHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA See i just answered your own question. Shame on you Patrick shame on you. I would like to be able to have my loved ones meet my love. I would like to meet my queen’s father as well. So shame on you Dan Patrick

Now lets get back to Abbott. Do i think he’s an idiot for not following the guidelines set by the white house that the White house itself and majority itself ain’t following? Oh yeah. But it’s not as bad as DeSantis who apparently is allegedly being accused of asking Florida Scientists to manipulate the numbers? Ok that’s just crooked as hell. So far Abbott hasn’t been found of doing the same thing but if a scientist in Texas came out and said that too....that wouldn’t surprise me but here’s what i will give Abbott credit for.....Actually caring about the nursing homes and the staff and residents especially making the tests available to them. Kudos for that. That doesn’t mean you’re safe from other criticisms but i hope you’re right because we cannot afford to continue the back and forth. Shut down for afew weeks then boom back open. The back and forth needs to not happen. I hope you’re right because i would love to get back to the fight but i will not be surprised if this backfired because you choose Trump over Science.

The Ongoing Liberal Vs Conservative Media War

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The Following are Exempt from this

-Chris Cuomo

- Joe and Mika Scarborough

Show you why here in a minute

But the rest are not exempt. If there is one thing ONE thing that Trump is not wrong on, it is in fact the media except Fox news needs to be added. Mostly His puppet Hannity, Tucker Carlson (Even though i sense and been seeing a turn in him lately) and that Bitch Laura Ingraham. Spewing Conservative conspiracy theories out the wazzoo. The Liberal media isn’t exempt from this either. I’ll get to them next. But conservatives are still spewing lies out of their mouth. Attacking the Medical community and of course STILL NOT LETTING GO OF RUSSIA!!!!!!!!!! CAN WE PLEASE JUST PUT THE FUCKING POLITICS ASIDE FOR ONE SECOND AND ALL OF US WORK TOGETHER!?!?!?!?!?!??!?! I thought this was gonna bring us closer together but no it has divided us further apart. Conservatives on fox news etc saying this is a hoax by the deep state, come on. I always make the joke of conservatives and liberals in the media and in congress need to just lock the door on capital hill for one night and either argue all night or order a shit ton of drugs and fuck it all out with one massive orgy like the orgy in the Seth Rogen animated movie sausage movie. If you don’t know what i’m talking about, watch that movie but viewer discretion advised that movie is raunchy as hell and the final scene where the orgy happens.

I’m serious.

Does Kaitlan Collins and Kayleigh McEnany need to go down on each other or have a threesome with Mitch McConnell’s wrinkly ass and have a Cuckold while his wife is watching?

Does Rachel Maddow and Poppy Harlow need to use a vibrator on each other while Hannity and Tucker are jerking each other off?

Does Lindsey Graham need to get it in with Tomi Lahren and her Fiance while Chuck Schumer is licking their assholes?

Does Nancy Pelosi and Melania need to take turns swapping POTUS’s cum?

Does Joe Biden and Donald Trump need to have a bisexual fuck in the presidental suite? (House of Cards Reference)

If it gets to the point where Kaitlan Collins is wearing her one night stand outfit and doing the walk of shame then Tomi Lahren and Kayleigh McEnany come up to her and do a threeway kiss on the news and wolf blitzer is asking how was your night with the biggest shit eating grin and Kaitlan Responds ‘’Wolf it was amazing. How was yours?’’ Wolf replies with something and then makes a body movement in regards to his nose being fucked up from snorting cocaine or where Trump and Biden are in the oval office actually working together. If a giant orgy takes them all to work together i’m all for it. LOL I had to get that out there now lets be serious.

https://www.foxnews.com/politics/kayleigh-mcenany-slams-cnns-chris-cuomos-use-of-less-safe-drug-to-fight-coronavirus

I saw that article of Ms. McEnany slamming Chris Cuomo for taking non-hydroxychlorquine. I’m sorry Ms. McEnany, do you realize that you made yourself stupid by saying POTUS knows that his medicine doesn’t work yet SLAMMING CHRIS CUOMO WHO ACTUALLY HAD COVID-19!!!! Kayleigh you ma’am are dumb as rocks. Have you had CoVid-19? No. Chris and his family did. His wife and his son both ended up having CoVid you fucking FUCKASS. Did POTUS? NO!!!!! SO SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH AND JUST FOCUS ON TRYING TO SAVE YOUR JOB!!!!!!!! God such a fuckass.

But lets get to the rest of Fox News, watch this video made by Trevor Noah https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAh4uS4f78o

Then by the now this channel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DmW_H4U-MI

See where i’m going with this?!?!?!? THEY LIE!!!!!!!!!!! ONE MINUTE SAYING ITS A HOAX!!!!!!!!! NEXT MINUTE SAYING THEY NEVER SAID THAT!!!!!!

WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!??!?!? ARE YOU DRINKING BLEACH LIKE TRUMP RECOMMENDED!?!?!?!?!? DID YOU DISINFECT YOURSELF WITH DISINFECTANT?!?!?!??! NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR BULLSHIT CONSPIRACY THEORIES AND YES I’M LOOKING AT YOU AS WELL LIBERAL MEDIA!!!!! IF YOUR NAME IS NOT CHRIS CUOMO AND MIKA SCARBOROUGH OR JOE SCARBOROUGH THEN THE REST OF YOU IN THE MEDIA NEED TO REALIZE WHAT ARE WE DOING?!?!?!?!? CONGRESS IS DIVING US!!!!!! THEY CONTINUE TO LIE AND WE FALL FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!!!!

Now lets go to the Liberal Media of MSNBC and CNN

Before i continue, Shoutout to Miss Mika for this video

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khmEjO-FEaE&t=62s

Someone finally had the balls to say it. Enough is enough. Trust me and i called POTUS out weeks ago for his whole Liberation tweets which is what i keep saying is what will lead to riots and i’m just going to say something and i need to get it off my chest. I’ll take it a step further. I have enough of the corruption of our country. Now i’m going to still continue to speak on it but i will not do anything further than that, but if i lose any of my loved ones then its game on. I’ll go to war. I’ll protect my loved ones or i will die trying. Enough is enough. This country is falling apart. Now do i thank the men and women who have risked their lives overseas for our freedoms? Of course. Do i especially now thank all the medical workers for fighting this horrible enemy that is CoVid 19? So that the rest of us are safe and we have a chance despite the fact our country is ran by idiots and also is filled with about 85 percent idiots who don’t give a damn about doing the right thing. Millennials including who think OH MY GOD THIS ISN’T A BIG DEAL!!!!! LETS GO OUT AND GET DRUNK AND POP BOTTLES AND PILLS ETC!!!!! Absolutely. I have a new found appreciation for the medical community.

But i will use my first amendment rights because the United States of America has a brand new nickname

What is it?

The United States of Stupidity

Land of the Rich

Home of the Stupid

That is what this country has become. If anybody is offended by that i’m sorry but it is true and the way congress has handled this CoVid catastrophe has proven my point. With the way POTUS has acted during this, is wrong.

Before i begin the Liberal side,

I’m proud to be an American, i’m proud of all the doctors and nurses, i’m proud of the men and women who have all risked their lives so that the rest of us can be safe. I tell my Girlfriend alot who is a nurse by the way that i’m proud of her and that she is my number 1 hero. Not all heroes wear capes. So to all the doctors and nurses and the military and the firefighters and the police offices (not all cops) i say thank you for your service. To all the doctors and nurses during the CoVid Pandemic, Thank you and god bless you now while i’m proud of them

A good chunk of this country’s citizens and A VERY GREAT CHUNK OF THIS COUNTRY’S LEADERS IN OFFICE, not so much.

Quick story, My old man and i hate Sean Hannity with a passion but one night while we were having Dinner, he did make a very great point why are we not hearing from more survivors of CoVid? I have to give him that but the difference is on the Liberal media we ARE hearing from more CoVid survivors compared to Conservative media. Conservative it’s conspiracy after conspiracy oh they’re going to take your rights away.

Now i have a question for people like Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham etc. Do you guys have kids? Do you guys love your loved ones like how the rest of us do? What happens if they catch CoVid? Are you still going to think it’s a hoax? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo because then hopefully you people will wake up and realize what the fuck are we doing? Enough with the conspiracy theories

Now to the liberal media. Guys, you have the opportunity to say why are we doing this? Mika already called out POTUS earlier, you guys could have the opportunity to call for unity with Fox news. Why are you not doing so? When this is over if y’all wanna go back to hating each others guts, fine by me. I will be busy focusing on my loved ones and my future. Matter of fact when this is over , I probably won’t watch the news hardly if ever again unless its Cuomo or Morning Joe. I got a future with my queen to focus on and i got a trip i need to get ready for but right now it’s the time to work together. Now it’s no guarantee that Fox News will budge but at least you can say you tried but seriously can you please just try? Now is not the time for war. Also Fox News for the love of god, Y’ALL ARE PART OF THE MEDIA TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST STOP!!!!!!!!!!! It really dumbfounds me that they can get shown videos of what they said and it’s oh we never said that, it’s just stupid. Hopefully these people will learn but lets be real they won’t

Where i stand with the pandemic

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I have been in quarantine for 8 weeks about to be 9 weeks. Unlike most others, i’m waiting with my old man to see if we don’t go under another lockdown and our state of Texas doesn’t spike to New York Level. As i’ve said earlier, cases not good but recoveries and the death rate, not bad. It’s just up to the others to keep the improvements going. Earlier my father told me that he was downtown at whole foods and as he was driving home, he saw a SHIT TON OF PEOPLE NOT WEARING MASKS And of course he can speak for me on this but i was frustrated. If they don’t want to follow the guidelines especially when more places can reopen soon then if we go back under lockdown, don’t fucking bitch about wahhhhhhhhhhhhh why can’t we go back outside?!?!?!?! Well the answer is simple, you people are fucking dumbasses. You didn’t follow the guidelines like you own the fucking place and here we are again.

My loved ones if they sometimes need a break from the masks, that’s different. There’s going to be times where i need a break from it to give myself some oxygen. All i will say to my loved ones and i’ll say it again later on, please just be safe. I love you guys and i don’t want anything to happen to you guys.

Back to where i stand. These last 8 and a half weeks have been a test. It especially sucks because before all this happened, i made significant progress. My relationship was moving in the right direction, and after leaving my shitty shit shit job, i got the job i wanted for awhile and it was a great feeling. Now to feel like i’m being tested again, it sucks. Especially after coming out of one of the darkest times of my life a year ago that involved me going to a mental hospital to have a safe place to fall apart so i can pick up the pieces where i also discovered i have PTSD after one day waking up not wanting to live anymore. It especially still haunts me because my love had to endure that with me. Fast forward to this pandemic, i was hoping that last year was the end of Dark times for AWHILE especially because my queen deserves the world and i want to be able to take her to the dinner she 100 percent deserves. She works hard, she puts up with alot and i don’t care if i have to pay it off, when i’m cleared (and i’m going to stay cleared. I’m not doing a second round of this shit) i’m fucking taking her to that dinner barring any unforseen even for sticking with me through some of my roughest times. Before i take the rest of my loved ones to dinner, she gets first priority before i get back to my job (after my thyroid hint hint Pops if you’re reading this). She deserves that and i want to be able to give that to her or if i have to cook for her and set up a very nice candle light dinner at her place or mine, barring not having to deal with any more bullshit when i’m cleared. Now if there is one positive i can take away well actually two, its these

1. It has made me realize that i need god in my life more than ever because i refuse to relapse back to the dark side.

2. It has brought me and one of my best friends back to each other to reconcile.

Now i cannot stress this enough, i’m not happy with being under lockdown but i understand why. I’ll get to that here in a minute. I would so much rather be at work, i would much rather be with my queen, i would much rather be with my loved ones. Having a long awaited reunion. Our first since the night one of our own passed away and this time because we’ve all had to do some growing up, hopefully it won’t be sadness. It will be celebration and hijinks lol I’ll make sure of that and if i have to get super drunk, i will because as i’ve always said, i’m a funny funny drunk. I don’t always drink but when i do, i’m hysterical lol.

I do however understand why this is happening and which is why even if it’s frustrating, i will continue to fight for my future with my queen and my job that i busted my ass for. Those are the two things that are important to me. Just think of me as the Sam Ehlinger of everything else.

I’ve come so far and i’m not going to just give up without a fight. If and when i’m cleared, if i catch CoVid i’ll do whatever it takes to fight it. If i die, i die. It was a good run, at least i went out guns a blazin to fight CoVid. Now before i continue, i’m not saying i want to die. Last year, i had nothing to lose. This year is a different story, i have everything to lose and i’m not going to let anything take my progress away from me. If and godforbid if i have to fight it in the hospital alone, i’ll do what i have to do to beat CoVid. No problem because unlike everything else i’ve been through, i have more to lose now and more to fight for and i’m not giving up easily on anything. Should i catch CoVid and BEAT IT?!?!?!? It will be another story to add to the legacy of the Phoenix Knight. Knock me down, i’ll continue to rise from the ashes again and again and again, nothing will keep me down easily which is why despite the rocky situation i’m in, well that we’re all in. I’m not giving up. Despite that this has kept me from not being able to see my queen in the normal capacity that we both want and that hasn’t been easy for the both of us, i will not give up. As Daniel Bryan once said ‘’If you fight for your dreams then your dreams will fight for you!!!’’ This is a test of my character and i have every intention of passing with flying colors.

Now in three weeks (Bare with me here), my old man and i are going to have a BIG revaluation conversation about where we stand with the pandemic. I’m nervous, scared, yet excited. While i desperately want to get back out there and i’m hoping phase one will lead me there (phase one something i worked on for my father to try to tell my side of the story about why i think i’m ready to get back out there), i will do what is right. I will do what is safe and i will not be like the rest. I will be smart. I refuse to put my loved ones in danger let alone myself in danger as well. One wrong move just like with all the other re-openings then its right back to the start. This is where it’s tricky. So as you all know or well alot of you know, i want to be in san marcos at some point in the very near future. I do not want to fuck it up. My job was step one of that plan before all this happened for i’am not happy here in austin anymore. I need something more quieter but yet something more close to my people. My father, and my 4 best friends. It is not cheap here but because of the pandemic, it has led me to a bit of a rock and a hard place. Now before i continue, i always tell my girlfriend and i guess i need to practice what i preach, we just don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe Abbott was right and i look like a jackass and i can get back to a little bit more normal of a life and back on track. I just don’t know. Now here’s the rock and the hard place, it is not easy and not cheap AT ALL here in Austin. If i want to go back to work if it is not safe enough then something different would have to be arranged. Someone i know or by myself. A) I don’t want to get someone else sick. B) If i’m living on my own and i get sick with CoVid god knows what’s going to happen. Or if i’m still here at home, if i get sick i don’t want to get my old man sick with CoVid either. It’s a very tricky situation and that is why i’m nervous about making the wrong move but as long as i keep my team in the loop and they do WHATEVER it takes to help me make sure i’m safe to keep my job and at my location or (Riverside or southpark meadows if SoCo is no longer an option) i guess it’s not terrible but i do miss it but which is why i feel between a rock and a hard place in this. Also if i do crack and say its time for me to try living on my own (has to Be close to work, safe and REASONABLY PRICED) One wrong move and it can set off a giant pandoras box but maybe worse. Just like with the immature state openings, one wrong move and we are back under lockdown. Hence why i want to go to san marcos but like i told my father, the whole point was to transfer there AFTER WORKING at my job for several months to a year and i refuse to go into san marcos dumbfounded. I wanted to go in a smart way but also because it’s cheaper, more quieter and did i mention its cheaper? Lol well its because i want to be able to travel more with my queen and i want to still live my life and do things i want to do all while being responsible.

The perfect scenario: If the curve really is flattened or something like that, the numbers are not too bad and my old man clears me after our revaluation talk or if not, he pretends to not clear me but saves it for my 27th birthday on July 1st and says even though its still tricky, happy birthday YOU’RE CLEARED FROM QUARANTINE!!!!!!!!!! Oh how beautiful that would be. Granted the sooner i’m cleared, the better. I would love for the signs for me to be cleared after our revaluation conversation. The minute i’m cleared, i’m going full Phoenix Knight and i’m not looking back

Message for Congress and POTUS

--------------------------------------------------

I’m going to keep this simple. Ladies and Gentlemen of congress along with President Trump, i’m going to take it a step further along with what Mika said. All of you need to KNOCK IT OFF!!!!!!!!!! Enough with the fucking games and do your job. Orgy joke aside, do what we elected you to do and do your jobs. Enough with the greed, stop using god and religion as an excuse for your bad behavior.

I would say more but Mika took a good chunk of the words out of my mouth

Mr. President, grow up!!! Calling for Liberation in the middle of a crisis, you’re sick bro. Get off twitter and do your job. You think you’re making America Great again? Guess again Donnie, you’re not!!!!!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0239jHlMYY Evidence 1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hB8icFsfJe0 Evidence 2

Mika already said what i was going to say. Do your job and do it right because the more you fuck up, you are going to be on the wrong side of history.

I’ll leave it at that

Closing statements and a message to my loved ones

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’m going to close it with this. First by starting off with a plead, to everyone else who isn’t my loved ones, please.....please......please do not be stupid. Please be smart, follow the guidelines, maybe not always but a good chunk of the time, this is not a secret government conspiracy this is a serious situation and the more you don’t be smart, you’re going to ruin it for the rest of us. Normally i would rant but i’m begging you please be smart here. When the virus goes completely away or calms down tremendously, if a good chunk of you want to be stupid, greedy and going back to the clubs to post explicit pics etc popping bottles etc be my guest, but right now, please just be smart and considerate. I’m begging you.

Now for the message to my loved ones.

I’ll start with my queen, my best friend, my love Nicole: Baby, i just want you to know i love you with all my heart. I’m sorry this situation hasn’t been easy. But i appreciate you for sticking it out with me. I promise somehow someway i will make it up to you big time when i’m fully cleared but whatever happens in 3 weeks if its a step in the right direction where at the very very least we can spend more time together again, i’ll take it. I love you and you and Roxie are two of the main things that are keeping me going. I Love you with all my heart and i’m not giving up. Ever since the mental hospital, i just continue to fall more in love with you. I hope i make you proud like how you make me proud. You are one of the most beautiful kind hearted funny smart human beings i know. I’m honored to call you my girlfriend, my hero, my queen, my best friend. I love you with all my heart my pookieroo, my queen.

My father Chris: Pops, well done with the business and advancing with the masks. I’m very proud of you. I’m thankful for all that you have do and have done during this pandemic. I’ll save the rest for phase one

Andria: Thank you for being one of my best friends over the last six years, it has been an incredible ride and because of you, i met three of my other best friends. Love ya dude. I cannot wait for whats to come.

Chris: Brother, words cannot even begin to describe how proud i’ am of you. You have made tremendous progress over the last year and i feel like i got my brother back. I love you man and i’m so blessed that we met and that you have become like a brother to me man. I cannot wait for the new memories to come

Don: I know you’re going to make a funny out of this lol so i’ll leave a good chunk of it to you to make a funny. Just i love ya man and thank you for always making me laugh. (There will be tacos and nachos in your future soon hopefully really soon)

Bri Bri: The biggest blessing to have come out of this pandemic is that i feel like i got one of my best friends back. I know it hasn’t been easy between us but that doesn’t matter now. I’am so blessed you and i are doing well again and that i can see mav again soon, Fucking love that Dog. Anywho, proud of you. You are cool shit. And i got nothing but love for ya. Cannot wait for things to be better than ever.

I hope i make you all proud.

To everyone of my loved ones: Guys, i love y’all. I don’t know whats going to happen next but all i know is that we will get through this together and we will come out of this stronger than ever. I pray for y’all almost every night. My heart and my thoughts are with you guys. Anything y’all need at anytime, i’m here. It may not be easy but we will get through this together. As Bernie Sanders always says ‘’We’re all in this together’’. I love y’all, please stay safe and things will get better. I have faith and in the great words of Bobby Rhoode, it’s going to be glorious!!!!!!

Remember my friends, when you feel what you want to feel, you’re being real and being real is a very big deal.

Stay Safe, Love you guys, God bless you all

Phoenix Knight Forever

-Sky-

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bestastrologerinscarborough · 1 year

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thulasiastrologer-blog · 7 years

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chroniclesofawkwardness · 5 years

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Words and Fishes

I shaved my balls yesterday.

It had been a minute, and though they were far from resembling an overgrown jungle, they looked like they needed it. In another piece, I wrote about being a late-adopter of the manscaping trend. That’s still true, but adopting the trend didn’t mean that lost my humble southern Ohio roots in an abyss of personal hygiene and marketing tactics meant to make me marvel about how the trimmer I was using (which became conveniently outdated within weeks of my purchase) was so gentle to the touch, you could use it on a balloon animal without popping it. I took pride in coming to my ingenious realization to use the advertisements that came in the mail on Tuesdays and sometimes Wednesdays as mats to catch the trimmings instead of relying solely on the mats that came with my original order and trying to stretch them out as long as possible so I wouldn’t have to pay for replacements (if they’re even available).

As I carefully trimmed my way around my balls and the surrounding areas, I’d occasionally glance down at my improvised mats to gauge my results, as well as new towels, a shower curtain liner, and candle positioned throughout the bathroom. I thought about how it all started.

Words With Friends (WWF) is one of the few games I play. It’s a modern mobile take on a classic --Scrabble-- that allows me to flex and strengthen my vocabulary muscles. When I started in 2011, there was only one tile style, and there were no advertisements to stare through between games. There’ve been some moments I couldn’t believe I got such a high score with a single word or combination of words, but many more (thanks to the Hindsight power-up in WWF 2) when I shook my head at missed opportunities for more points. How could I have been so blind? The best play was right before my eyes.

I know games like WWF are designed to keep me hooked since Zynga has to feed their hungry application developers, but I recently got hooked in another way.

Ever the competitor, I hated losing, even at an inconsequential game like WWF. If I won a game because the other player had timed out, I didn’t feel like I’d earned it because both players hadn’t competed until the end. Who knows what he or she had going on in their life that prevented them from making their next move before the clock ran out?

WWF also has a chat feature you could use to talk with your opponent. I avoided using it for the longest time because for the first several years I played the game, I only played against people I knew in real life. One of my most common initial opponents was my aunt. For months, I beat her every time we played. I relished in kicking her ass all over the virtual game board, which became the biggest drain on my phone’s battery.

One day out of the blue, my aunt’s skill seemed to increase exponentially for no apparent reason. She was suddenly able to beat me (and handily so) three or four times in a row, which irritated me to no end. As quickly and inexplicably as her winning streak began, she stopped playing. The abrupt end to our battles pissed me off so much that I haven’t spoken to her about it since.

***

Eventually, I decided to take a chance and start playing WWF against random opponents. I don’t know if I was looking for a new challenge, or acting out because I couldn’t come to grips with the fact my aunt had finally beaten me. By this time, WWF had a Match of the Day feature that invited you to play against the kind of unpredictable opponent I was looking for. One day, I tapped on the thumbnail of a profile belonging to Kristina from Australia and started playing a game.

She played back fairly quickly and proved to be a tough opponent, winning three or four games for each one I won against her. Like I said, I hated losing. Even though my numbers weren’t great against Kristina, I kept challenging her.

Once, Kristina timed out (which usually occurs after about 10-12 days), giving me a win. I started another game against her. When she played back, I told her the same thing I’ve already told you -- I hate cheap victories that are a result of an elapse of time rather than a display of skill. She offered an apology that she’d been busy. I didn’t expect to hear from her again because the time difference between the Land Down Under and the Buckeye State is anywhere between thirteen and sixteen hours.

Not long after, she messaged me with a simple: “Hello David.” I replied in kind. We exchanged small talk for a few days. I remember wondering how someone who looked as strikingly beautiful as she did in her picture could be interested in talking to me. I told her I imagined she got all kinds of messages from guys all the time because of her good looks. She said she did, but she ignored most of them, adding that one guy asked her to marry him and be a mother to his three children. She declined and blocked him from contacting her, or so she said. Kristina even told me about a stalker who followed her around for a year before being caught. She said she’d never been so scared. Even though we’d never met, I felt genuine concern for her. No one deserves to be harassed by someone who isn’t honest about their intentions, someone who prefers instead to lurk cowardly in the shadows.

Another night, I messaged Kristina saying good evening Ohio time. She wrote back wishing me a good evening NYC (New York City) time. I thought she was just messing with me and I told her so. When I asked if she was visiting NYC, she told me she was living in Hartsdale, working on sponsorship from New York Medical Center (NYMC), and working at a hospital in White Plains. Kristina was very proud of the fact that she’d been selected from a field of three hundred applicants. She added that she’d come to America to get a fresh start after her marriage to her ex-husband Stuart had ended. Her four brothers, Garry, Steven, Michael, and Richard (her twin) drank beer on Scarborough Beach in solidarity with their sister when she’d decided to leave Stuart. She went so far as to say she’d be finishing her bridging visa in January, which would allow her to stay in the United States.

To the question of whether or not she had children, she said she had a daughter. My heart sank slightly because I was starting to feel a connection to Kristina sight unseen. I should have only wanted her Scrabble skills. I thought a child would only complicate things between us if we even got that far. Red flags were starting to pop up left and right, but I was already thinking with my little head. I had to ask, but I also should have known that most thirty-eight-year-old women (ironically, I was exactly two months older than Kristina) would have already had kids if they were planning on having them at all. I should have ended it right there, but Kristina explained that her daughter wasn’t her daughter. She and Stuart had adopted her, only to have her claimed by a biological aunt and taken to live in the United Kingdom.

Crisis averted, it almost seemed too good to be true.

***

I began to open up more to Kristina as the days turned to nights and back again. I told her about how much I loved my grandfather, she told me about her grandmother who lived to be 104 and gave up playing tennis only after falling and breaking her hip shortly before her death. I figured Kristina must have gotten her love of tennis (a sport I’d played as a child), swimming, and golf honestly. I shared with her that my grandfather had been more of a father to my brother and me than he ever should have had to have been, and he too had lived a very active lifestyle until congestive heart failure began to slow him down so much that even he could not fully recover.

She told me many times that she didn’t want gravity to take over as she aged. In reply, I’d point out that I had more to worry about than she did since I was exactly two months older than her. But, one thing I didn’t mention was that not wanting gravity to take over was the same rationale I’d been using for years when deciding to work out. I was afraid of turning into my dad, by which I mean having to watch my gut grow further and further past my belt until my waistline became nothing more than a proverbial line in the sand. A line I once said I’d never cross -- a line I’d move so far away from that despite a steadfast original promise to hold it, I could no longer see. Unlike my dad, I didn’t want to have to take a bag full of medications just to stay alive, even though I’d truly given up on life a long time ago.

Not long after our grandparent conversation in the WWF chat, I began to trust Kristina enough to share some of my writings with her. I can’t remember if we were talking about how emotion and intent aren’t always conveyed well in text messages, or how I’d never quite mastered the use of emojis. Either way, something inspired me to share Ite, emoji est with her. If you haven’t read it, it’s the story of my eggplant emoji fiasco. She laughed hysterically and told me about the eggplants in her vegetable crisper. Kristina said that thanks to me, she’d never look at eggplant the same way again. For an instant, I thought it was odd that she had eggplants readily available. Most people probably don’t keep eggplants on hand. Still, I didn’t think twice about it until much later.

If my ill-advised emoji choice ruined eggplants for the both of us, Kristina didn’t let that stop her from sharing stories of her mishaps. Once, she told me she’d spilled hot chocolate all over the white nightgown she was wearing as she sat in front of the fireplace. Another time, she told me she dropped a fish filet on her foot, but it still ended up in her tummy. I found it odd that she would still eat something after having dropped it, but I dismissed this a personality quirk of hers. I was becoming convinced that she was a klutz, just like me.

Over the next few weeks, I’d discover that clumsiness was one of many traits and/or experiences Kristina and I had in common. I know now that I should have seen all of these commonalities (she’d grown up Catholic like me, her father had been a cop like mine) as significant red flags instead of opportunities to bond with her. At the time, I was too thrilled to meet someone with whom I shared so much to put an abrupt end to our interaction. If I’d known what was to come, I’d wish I had.

One morning, I asked Kristina if there was anything she’d always wanted to try. Her response was skydiving. I said I wanted to dance the tango. We shared visions of tandem jumps and tango lessons. She said she had a red, thigh-high slit dress exactly like one the tiny emoji woman who was always ready to dance in my phone wore. Kristina said Richard had once dropped her while they were doing the tango, so I had to promise to be careful with her. I imagined our two bodies melting into one; our hearts pounding and sweat dripping in unison. I couldn’t wait to feel the shape of her body beneath her dress as we glided together across the dance floor. She purred at the thought of me in a tux.

The more intense our conversations became, the more I entertained the idea of communicating with Kristina outside of the game. I offered her my phone number because it’s a man’s job to move things forward. She didn’t call or text me. Yet another red flag. I wondered if I’d blown it or gone too far since she didn’t reciprocate. In retrospect, this was another chance to walk away from her that I didn’t take, however obvious it was that I should have. I either couldn’t or chose not to see what was going on because I was too grateful for the attention of a beautiful woman read: thumbnail that I would have otherwise considered out of my league and never approached in real life.

Around Christmas, she told me her co-workers were beginning to notice a change in her and surmised that she must be in love. The women wanted to know all about her mystery man; the guys wanted to know what I had that they didn’t. “Personality” was her answer. The rum balls she made for the office Christmas party were a hit. She was the only person I’d ever met apart from my mother who made them, and she admitted to being a piggy when it came to eating them. It seemed our connection was deepening over most trivial things, which made it so much more powerful. I never told her that one holiday season while I was living in Serbia, my mom made rum balls and mailed them to me. I was so happy that I posted a picture of them on Facebook.

One morning, Kristina messaged me saying she had feelings for me and didn’t know what to do with them. Somehow, she said, I’d managed to knock down the walls she’d been building around her heart since she left Stuart, and she’d never felt the same way about another man that she felt about me. She couldn’t figure out how she’d fallen for me. Despite her curiosity, she promised she wouldn’t scroll back through our WWF chat to find out. She closed our exchange of messages that morning by saying that she wanted me to make love to her.

***

I thought this was a great idea. Still, I couldn’t rest on whatever virtual laurels I thought I’d won by having her suggest lovemaking. Instead, I used whatever literary skill I thought I had to paint verbal pictures of the two of us together. I had neither the stamina, nor the potential STDs of a porn star (Kristina was oddly forthcoming about both her lack of STDs and disdain for condoms. Red flag... Red flag...), but I was genuine in my expression of my desire to truly explore her, ravish her, and ejaculate as a choice rather than a punchline. Episodes of our chat became increasingly sexually explicit, both of us contributing content. Sexual tension even spilled over into our WWF games, both players passing up points to play erotic words or make references emotionally charged content of speech bubbles hours or minutes past.

It was wonderful to finally connect with someone on not just a thumbnail but an emotional level. I never told her about my mild Cerebral Palsy, but when she told me she dreamed of specializing in orthopedics, I was convinced I’d found a keeper. I would never immediately volunteer my disability status to a potential partner. Yet I’m sure that somewhere in the darkest corners of the Internet, there are Pickup Artist forums that discuss tactics guys with disabilities can use to get girls. I can see thread now, with posts by guys with usernames like CPaul or DysplasiaDarryl:

Tell a girl about your autobiography, Limp: The Story of My Life. Joke about how you were referring to your leg, not your dick. Ask if she wants to see. If she asks which one or gets the Iceberg Slim reference, assure her your third leg works just fine. If she refuses to investigate on her own, she wasn’t for you anyway. She’s probably a slut who imagines herself having high standards. The girls you really want will get dripping wet at just the thought of being with an artist.

I didn’t think any tactic would have worked on Kristina anyway. Why would I have used something as hollow as a few canned lines or routines with her anyway? She’d have seen right through it all. Besides, I didn’t need to. I’d won her over naturally. My disability was the result of something that happened to me a long time ago. There was no need for me to be angry about it, or keep it locked away like some kind of dark secret. How I chose to handle it would say more about my character than any reaction of hers ever could have. At the end of the day, I didn’t think she would care, so why should I?

Mom and I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at my brother and sister-in-law’s house. She wanted to be there to watch my niece and nephew open presents before Christmas became less magical and more an opportunity for awkward family photos. I can’t say I blame her. After all the gifts had been opened, my niece repeatedly tried to break a board she’d gotten as a training tool for martial arts; my nephew rotated between riding his new bike around the house and nearly flying his new drone into the oven any time it was open. Mom milled about the kitchen, offering to help my brother and sister-in-law prepare a meal.

As for me, instead of spending time with real people, I’d steal away into an adjacent room to check my phone every time it buzzed. I was less concerned with making moves in WWF than I was with seeing if Kristina had messaged me. I felt bad that she couldn’t spend Christmas with her family. Her mother died when Kristina was three, her father had passed away more recently; her brothers were on another continent. Each time checking my phone revealed a message from Kristina, I felt not only validation but strength. She wasn’t the only one who’d built walls around her heart that were beginning to crumble.

***

I couldn’t believe my good fortune. I’d finally connected with someone smart, sexy, athletic, and perhaps most importantly a deep thinker. Kristina was reflecting so much on our future together that it’s almost as if she knew how to put my mind at ease before I could even get nervous. Sure, I was a bit taken aback by her insistence on how clean and STD-free she was, but that was only one instance in which she was all too willing to share. For example, I’d always heard that people who have more money than they know what to do with are usually very quiet about it, especially if it’s family wealth that’s grown with them for generations. So, when Kristina volunteered that she was financially secure, I was surprised, slightly skeptical, but most of all curious.

To hear her tell it, her father (who’d given up his career as a cop for one as a farmer) had accumulated a fortune buying and selling horses. He’d subsequently done very well for himself with stocks and investments, leaving Kristina and her brothers shares upon his death. In terms of which stocks or investments, she only mentioned Bitcoin, which she was able to sell before its value crashed, and an Australian Super Fund, which she claimed had once earned her $81,000.00 in three weeks. At the end of the day, she said, she could afford never to work another day in her life if she so chose. I had a hard time wrapping my Southern Ohio barely-middle-class head around the numbers.

A woman with no kids or STDs who’s both secure and interested in me? It seemed too good to be true.

Despite babies spitting and old men hitting on her, Kristina told me how grateful she was to the staff of NYMC for their hospitality and all she’d learned. Sure, she occasionally had drug seekers tell her to go back to Australia after she’d refused their requests, but her boss had been accommodating enough to actually allow her to go back to Australia when one of her brothers had gotten into an accident two years ago. They’d told her to take all the time she needed.

As much as she loved NYMC, Kristina admitted that she didn’t like New York City very much. She said she was willing to come to Columbus to build a future with me beyond tango and skydiving lessons. As our plans to meet cam closer and closer to fruition, I realized certain aspects of my lifestyle could use upgrade. This is when ordered manscaping tools, cologne, a candle, and a new shower curtain liner. I didn’t stop there. I added new pillows, pillowcases bath towels, and bathmats. I’d be lying if I said these purchases weren’t made at least partially with Kristina in mind (I wouldn’t want to explore a forest, so she shouldn’t have had to either), but they were also very much needed upgrades, no matter how much she’d become my weakness and I’d become her strength.

The Hugo Boss cologne I chose had hints of orange peel and bamboo for Christ’s sake. The “Sexy Man” candle supposedly also had the aroma of a man’s cologne. Kristina said she was curious to find out what the candle smelled like. Unfortunately, we’d never get to make that discovery. I received neither the cologne nor the candle in the mail. On the day they supposedly arrived, I got an email from UPS with a picture of both items in front of my door. But, when I got home from work that night, they were nowhere to be found. The UPS driver who’d delivered them came out to my place the next day asking where I’d looked for my packages. He advised me to file a claim with UPS. UPS in turn advised me to file a claim with Amazon and try to get my money back.

As luck would have it, I got through to an Amazon customer service representative about seven minutes too early the following Monday. Initially, I was told I had two options. The first was to have replacement items sent to me, the second was a refund. Of course I wanted replacements I said. I had to have masculine fragrances to balance out the intoxicating scent of the $29.99 Ambrosia perfume Kristina said she’d be wearing. She’d let me guess which part of her body she’d place the fourth drop of perfume on. She’d promised to leave a bottle at my place to remind me of her. She’d bought lingerie for my eyes only that the store employee told her she was born to wear. She’d told me she slept naked even though I didn’t ask (though she wondered how much sleep we’d be getting). I had a lot riding on this. Could replacements be sent to me?

No.

Since I’d called before 4 P.M. Pacific time (it was 6:57 P.M. ET by this point), my only choice was to a refund. I ended up ordering cologne and bath towels through one of Amazon’s competitors.

***

Even having Kristina in mind while I was trying to make these upgrades was a mistake, but I was acting according to The Awful Truth of where a man’s heart is truly located and giving her credit for things she didn’t earn. For instance, I told her that I had no concerns about her because we’d taken “precautions” even though we’d never met, or video chatted. In reality, we hadn’t done shit but type messages back and forth.

I mentioned that in my experience, fraudsters we usually very demanding, aggressive, and single-minded. They want what they want and they don’t stop until they get it. As proof, I offered my experience with a WWF player who’d messaged me a few days ago, before I even had a chance to accept her invitation to play. That player wanted to know if I was single right off the bat. She demanded that I give her my phone number so we could text, be friends, and maybe more. I blocked her almost immediately. In response, Kristina asked if she was too friendly. “No. You’re just right,” I replied. Goldilocks would have thrown up in her mouth. I was too deeply under the influence of Kristina’s digeridoo siren song to care, and she knew it.

After the first of the year, we transitioned to chatting on Google Hangouts. I sent her a recent photo and asked for one of her in return. She sent me what she said was her most recent one, in which she had long brown hair, dark brown eyes, and wore a white suit. Even though the photo didn’t look anything like her thumbnail form WWF, it did make fa perfect headshot for a medical professional in New York City. As for my photo, she said I had a kind face.

I may have had a kind face, but I never saw Kristina’s real face. She would call me through Hangouts, as she once did even while locked in the morgue, hiding from an active shooter (all the more reason to get out of New York City, she said), but our calls were voice-only. As for photos, she sent me only two more throughout our entire conversation. One was of her dog Buddy, who despite his Australian origins, had once been quarantined for eight hours at the Perth airport when they’d arrived home from the United Kingdom. The other was of her when she was about twelve. She was hanging upside down in a tree, a huge smile on her face.

Kristina gave me the impression that having four brothers made her bit of a tomboy, meaning whatever her brothers did, she did too. It didn’t matter whether they were hanging upside down from trees, or servicing cars. She could do it all. I was falling for her more and more each day. Whenever my phone buzzed, my heart leaped. I didn’t mind the startling lack of visual evidence that she was the woman in the white suit. Sure, she told me videos wouldn’t play on her phone, but I could hear it occasionally buzzing, and birds occasionally beatboxing in the background, when we spoke. We were going to be together. That was all that mattered.

So deep was her commitment to me, our commitment to each other, that she not only vowed to find a job in Columbus (she sent me a screenshot of a job posting at Wexner Medical Center she intended to apply for), she also turned down an offer of a salary increase to stay at NYMC that was more than what I make in a year. She’d even found a house of us to live in and made plans to take her citizenship oath in Cleveland during the weekend of February 19th. I made sure to schedule that weekend off (who knew how much sleep we’d be getting) and introduce her to my mother.

Before any of that could happen, we had to meet for the first time. We made plans to finally connect in person over the Martin Luther King, Jr. Day weekend. She’d even found us a house in Victorian Village (a four-bedroom palace by my standards) that had been built in 1900. She’d pay cash for it of course, and we’d figure out a way to pay off my lease so we could live together. She’d be a doctor and I could quit my job at the bank for a career in freelance copywriting. In the evenings, we’d alternate between dancing the tango and chasing each other throughout the house in various states of undress.

After years of false starts and failures with the opposite sex, my ship was finally coming in.

***

Somehow, Kristina managed to schedule her job interview at Wexner Medical Center and a showing of the house on the same day. I couldn’t be with her since I couldn’t get time away from work on such short notice, but she messaged me once she was back in New York saying that the interview had gone well. They’d agreed to let her have a month off (she suggested we vacation in Hawaii during that time). Her first day would be February 24th, which would line up nicely with what I’d planned to be my last day at the bank, March 1st.

She also said she had a new set of keys in her hand. The wire transfer to purchase the house (list price: $539,000.00) had gone through without a hitch. I’d made sure to have Kristina confirm the wiring instructions verbally with the recipient before sending the money. I didn’t want the woman I loved to be scammed. The house was hers free and clear. She could have both something she wanted (a pool, for only $20,000.00) and something she didn’t (a mortgage).

I was as over the moon as a reserved yet intensely passionate person can be.

In a not so simple twist of fate, Kristina called me the morning from New York. There had been an accident.

Garry had called to say that Richard had been driving in Red Hill (a suburb of Perth) when another driver, who’d gone fishing for their fallen cell phone, rear-ended him. The guy who caused the accident wasn’t seriously injured. Richard, on the other hand, had a broken leg and a collapsed lung. She’d be leaving New York for Perth that night, with a layover in Dubai (another potential vacation destination we’d discussed).

“Do you want to come to Australia with me?” She asked.

Kristina was willing to call Emirates and book tickets for both of us. She wanted to check with me first. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day was fast approaching, but Australia wasn’t a continent I could visit over a three-day weekend. Kristina was disappointed yet understanding. The boxes she’d packed in preparation for her move to Columbus would have to spend several New York minutes in solitude while she traveled to be with her brothers, Richard’s wife Michelle, her niece Bianca (who was the same age as my niece), and the rest of her family. My heart didn’t quite break for her, but cracks appeared. Both of her parents were deceased, now her twin was clinging to life. How much more unlucky could she be?

***

I was sad that I couldn’t see her, but our plans were becoming more specific with each passing day, almost scarily so. There was no question that they were worth waiting for. I’d waited 38 years for Kristina, what was another 10 days?

We’d talked about getting married in our new house, in front of a small group of friends and family. Privately, I hoped my friend Matt, when he finally met Kristina, wouldn’t embarrass me too much with ill-timed disability jokes, but I was bracing myself for the inevitable on more than one front. I’d told Kristina there was no need to spend $6,000.00 on a wedding dress like she did when she’d married Stuart. Even though I had the impression that money was no object to her, I figured the biggest thing she’d be spending money on was travel expenses. Bianca had asked her auntie Kris if she could come to the wedding. Auntie Kris did not object.

We even planned on starting a family. Kristina said she’d been met with surprise from a fellow doctor when she approached them about having a Mirena (inserted into her uterus to guard against pregnancy. I supported her decision and remembered how she’d told me she didn’t like condoms as she reminded herself to breathe during our sexually-charged WWF chat sessions. As far as I was concerned, her body was exactly that. It wasn’t my place to tell her what to do with it. She took it a step further, however, as only she could.

If she had the Mirena removed after a year, would I be opposed to having a child? Of course not, I said. Her voice nearly cracked with joy. I could almost feel the tears running down her face. She’d later tell me of a dream she had in which she was breastfeeding our son, Alexander David when he wrapped his hand around my index finger as I passed by.

Her reaction to our agreement to have a child was as extreme as her dreamy description of breastfeeding, but I didn’t chide her for it. Not my place. After all, it wasn’t the first time she displayed a penchant for the outliers of affection. She loved to send me YouTube videos others had made of love letters to their one and only. You know, the ones where the letters of each word come across the screen one-by-one, with some incredibly cheesy song playing in the background. She sent me a clip of a couple dancing the tango (of course), and the official music video for How Do I Live by LeAnn Rimes, yet another way of reminding herself to breathe.

Though I loved her no less, I sent her only two videos. One was the Raymond K. Hessel scene from the movie Fight Club, in which Tyler Durden challenges Raymond to begin living his life according to his dreams instead of quitting whenever things got too hard. I told Kristina that I tried to live (though I didn’t always succeed) with the same sense of urgency Raymond displayed as he left his apathy behind and ran down the street toward the best-tasting breakfast of his life. Kristina said the scene was scary, and I was nothing like Raymond. She always seemed to know the right thing to say.

The second video was a performance of Nature Boy by Nat King Cole. I’d come to admire the song because I’d heard it many times through the years on my favorite Serbian radio program, Peščanik. Nature Boy had always reminded me of the hundreds if not thousands of hours I’d spent listening to Peščanik to improve my language skills and knowledge of current affairs in the former Yugoslavia. Now, the lyrics had another layer of meaning:

There was a boy A very strange enchanted boy They say he wandered very far, very far Over land and sea A little shy and sad of eye But very wise was he

And then one day A magic day he passed my way And while we spoke of many things Fools and kings This he said to me The greatest thing you'll ever learn Is just to love and be loved in return

The greatest thing you'll ever learn Is just to love and be loved in return

Like I said, what was another ten days?

***

The situation on the ground was worse than anticipated by the time Kristina arrived in Perth. Richard’s lung hadn’t just collapsed, it had been punctured. There was a serious question of whether he’d be able to breathe on his own. Kristina said the driver who caused the accident had been arrested and charged with manslaughter. If that wasn’t enough, she’d had a tense encounter with his sister when she came to the hospital to check on Richard.

As the only medical professional among the five siblings, Kristina had been given the unenviable task of deciding whether to keep Richard on life support or give him a chance to breathe on his own. Even though we were on opposite sides of the globe and dealing with a thirteen-hour time difference, it was hard for me to focus at work. I was constantly checking my phone while at my desk at work, whether I’d heard the buzz of an incoming message or not. My heart raced every time I opened my phone case to illuminate the screen. Getting caught looking at my phone on the production floor could have meant a serious rebuke from management if the wrong person caught me on the wrong day.

I didn’t give a shit.

Someone I loved was hurting. I knew where my priorities were. I knew I would only be with the bank a short while longer (even if no one else did) before Kristina and I started our life together. The last eight years wouldn’t be easy to brush aside. Still, the chance to live in a beautiful house with a beautiful woman, and pursue a copywriting career seemed too good to pass up. I was willing to trade the certainty of the present for my dreams of an uncertain future. Tyler Durden gave Raymond K. Hessel six weeks to get on his way to becoming a veterinarian. If he didn’t, Tyler said, Raymond would be dead. In the real world, March 1st was almost exactly six weeks away.

I’d need no such warning; I’d gotten this far by not heeding warnings.

The next morning (Ohio time), Kristina called me and said Richard had squeezed her hand while she sat beside him in his hospital room, but there was still a long road to recovery ahead. I was no medical professional like Kristina, but I was hopeful this was a positive sign. I didn’t know the man, but I’d looked forward to meeting him ever since Kristina said Richard would be stopping to visit us in our new house after taking care of business in California. She spoke so lovingly of him. I’d always heard twins had a special bond. They were no exception.

She spoke lovingly of me to her brothers too. Kristina said they had come to believe that I must be a hell of a guy if I could make their sister feel the way I did by knocking down the defenses so firmly-entrenched around her heart. She said that in her brothers’ eyes, I’d come a long way from being just a random person she’d met playing a game (a game!) on her phone; someone who could have been a rapist. Kristina made me feel like I was becoming part of their family.

The next morning, I woke to a heart-wrenching message from Kristina. Richard hadn’t been able to breathe on his own and had died as a result of his injuries. Kristina agonized over having made what she said was the wrong decision. I did the best I could to console her from half a world away. I’m not sure how much help I was, but my heart was with her even though I couldn’t be. The time and distance between us meant we couldn’t be together to mourn Richard’s death and celebrate his life. As much as it hurt for us not to be together. Kristina did have one request of me, a request I was happy to oblige: She asked me to pick. the flowers for Richard’s funeral the following Thursday.

I chose pink roses because I felt they were unique. I’d never heard of a funeral with pink roses before. After I’d communicated my decision, Kristina sent me an image of a pink rose, saying she’d bought 300 of them. She promised to make sure everyone knew they were my contribution to the occasion. Since she’d be giving Richard’s eulogy, she’d have ample opportunity to do so.

About two days before the funeral she called me saying that that they’d had a least a hundred people at what had been her childhood home to celebrate Richard. Her father had sold some of the properties the family owned before he died, but her brother Michael still lived in what had been Kristina’s childhood home. Michael suggested Kristina take one of their father’s cigar boxes as a memento, but she was content to leave it where it was.

She took the same approach to her childhood bedroom, which she’d left largely untouched since moving out years ago. Amazingly, she still had a doll of Gizmo from Gremlins, which her father had taken her to see in what probably felt like another lifetime. I admired how she managed to look back at her past and forward to our future. Her family wanted her to stay longer than she’d planned after the funeral, but they understood how much she just wanted to be with me. It seemed “I just want to be with you” was a phrase she repeated every chance she got. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the same way.

***

Kristina called the morning of Richard’s funeral (Australia time) understandably a mess. She and Michelle were about to head over to the church. She said she didn’t know how she was going to make it through without me. I offered the best encouragement I could, told her I loved her (I did), and asked her to be strong. I spent the entirety of my shift at work that day physically in the Buckeye State, but mentally in the Land Down Under. Kristina said she’d try to get in touch with the guys who were supposed to drive her stuff from New York and see if they could meet her in Columbus. We knew she’d be exhausted if she had to drive to Ohio almost immediately after spending 30 hours (she’d gotten a hotel room for the six hours she’d be spending in Dubai) in transit from Western Australia, but it was a price we were willing to pay.

What was waiting for another four days to be together compared to the rest of our lives?

Kristina called me the next morning to say that she almost didn’t make it through Richard’s eulogy. She had to be emotionally and physically supported by her brothers as she bid farewell to her twin. She said she thought about me as she spoke, and she’d gotten a lot of compliments about the pink roses.

She also gave me the impression that it’s customary for people to speak out at funerals in Australia. Her boisterous cousin Anthony, who asked Kristina to “Show us your tits!” a few days earlier (in reference to when she was 16 and her bikini top came off at a swimming pool), wanted to know all about her plans with her “Yankee man” in the middle of the service. I couldn’t help wondering if Kristina had told everyone about our agreement: her bikini top would be entirely unnecessary whenever we were in the water together. I knew those inquiring Aussie minds were so far away from me that our toilet water didn’t even flow in the same direction when flushed, but my face turned as red as the bikini bottom I’d imagined Kristina wearing as we kissed, buoyant beneath the moonlight of the hot Australian summer, her top long ago discarded, floating unattended and aimless on the other side of the pool.

By Friday, Kristina was in the air, and I was making final preparations for her arrival. After the false start of Martin Luther King Jr. Day weekend, I was convinced nothing was going to stop us this time. She’d already worked her final shift at NYMC, and said her toughest goodbyes. Among these was Simon, an eight-year-old with Leukemia who was not long for this world. I’d told Kristina I had a Buckeye necklace she could give to him as a way to both remember her and think of her new life in Ohio. Still, she’d placed serious doubt in my mind as to whether or not he’d live long enough to wear it. At that moment, I’d thought of a quote I’d attributed to Athletic Shorts, a collection of short stories by Chris Crutcher, who I’d met at the American Corner in Novi Sad years ago:

If you want to make life important, shorten it.

I’d always liked that one, even if I hadn’t always lived by it. Kristina and I were about to leave our pasts behind and live fully in the now, however exciting, intoxicating and scary it may have been. The pillow on the left side of my bed, the one she’d chosen, wouldn’t be empty much longer. I had Monday, January 27th off, and hoped to need it after a weekend of little sleep.

***

On Saturday, I made a trip to TJ Maxx. I was looking for a new pair of jeans to wear when I saw Kristina for the first time. As excited as I was, I hadn’t shared in her wealth yet, so I still didn’t want to break the bank. I chose a dark wash that I could wear with anything. I was feeling good about myself when I remembered something I’d learned in Serbia that had nothing to do with athletic shorts: You should never show up at someone’s house for the first time empty-handed.

I already had a cutting board shaped like the state of Ohio that I’d bought at the same place I got the bathmats. I thought it was such a unique idea because it served two purposes. One was in the kitchen, the other was in geography. It was supposed to a a cool way to introduce Kristina to the what, where and when of my home state.

Fresh jeans around my left forearm, I almost got in the checkout line. I was inches from crossing the point-of-no-return barrier that separated the checkout line from the rest of the store when a horrible thought occurred to me. I needed to bring Kristina something to eat. I turned around a ventured into a section of TJ Maxx unspoiled by humans. There was no one around me for ten feet in any direction. Intentionally or not, I was practicing social distancing in a pre-Coronavirus lockdown world.

I saw it when I found a few shelves of snacks, oddly placed there in its box between some graham crackers and a jar of Nutella. It might as well have been a resident of the Island of Misfit Toys, or a sickly puppy from a shelter that nobody wanted because you couldn’t say for certain whether or not it’d be dead in three weeks. In other words, it was exactly what I wanted, what I needed: baklava.

Who the fuck buys baklava at TJ Maxx?

***

I didn’t notice the small details of my new jeans until I got them home. The phrase LUCKY YOU was sown on the placket (a word worth 18 points in WWF) were sown on the placket. There was also a small piece of paper the looked like a fortune from a fortune cookie in one of the pockets. It read: Today is the first day of one wild ride. Lucky # 10, 23, 30, 35, 59, 11. “Kristina is going to love this,” I thought.

Late Saturday night, Kristina messaged me saying she was back at her duplex in New York. Her crystal was all boxed up and her co-workers were running out of time to interrupt our conversations by knocking on her door and begging her to stay. Two guys would be there to start the trip to Columbus with her at 10 A.M. Sunday morning. She’d had to pay extra for them to work on Sunday, but who cared? I didn’t. She certainly didn’t. Money can do lots of things when it’s no object.

The only catch was that one of the guys didn’t have a Driver's License, so Kristina would have to drive her black Ford Focus while the two guys manned the truck. The guys were slow at loading Kristina’s things onto the truck, so they were behind schedule by the time all three hit the road, but Kristina was on her way to me nonetheless.

I’d message her about every two hours to see how far along they were. I paced nervously around my apartment all day because I couldn’t hold a thought in my head. All I wanted to do was step out from behind my phone’s keypad and ravish Kristina in real life. She was so close I could almost taste her.

I’d thrown caution to the wind a long time ago, but I still had some lingering doubts. Like I said, we’d never video chatted, so I’d never seen her face when she wasn’t posing for a picture. I couldn’t find her anywhere on social media. Reason, aka the voice in my (big) head that screamed “Abort! Abort!” had passed out drunk for the last time after too many nights of partying with his false friends Raw, Dick, and Imagination.

***

If anything, the huge plot holes in our love story made my attraction to Kristina even stronger. In my mind’s eye, I saw this woman I had never met as the anthesis of the look-at-me/outrage/cancel culture that screams the loudest in America today. Kristina was the opposite of my oops-my-pussy-is-showing roommate Dragana from Enter the Dragana. We talked about books and fitness instead of counting followers and likes. Kristina had even signed up to volunteer with me at a tennis clinic for kids with Down’s Syndrome. I knew then that her heart was as big as her wallet.

She didn’t need the attention that Dragana craved. At the very beginning of our connection, Kristina had asked me if I had any other women in my life. I asked her the same question about other men. We both answered no. She said my lack of other women was a good thing; the only things she didn’t like sharing were her men and her chocolate.

Somehow, I managed to get a bit of sleep Sunday night, but it came only after I read that Kristina had arrived safely in Columbus. The movers had even helped her unload her car.

Monday morning, I messaged Kristina asking how she was feeling after spending the night in our new house. She replied that she’d woken up in the middle of the night and didn’t know where she was.

After everything she’d been through in the past two weeks, who could blame her?

As I had the day before when she was traveling, I messaged her about once every two hours to see how she was doing. I didn’t want to come across as needy, but I couldn’t help myself. I thought I’d found love, something I’d convinced myself didn’t exist. I wanted to dance the tango with Kristina and promptly rip the red thigh-high slit dress, gorilla costume, or whatever she was wearing off of her. I was convinced she wanted the same and nothing was going to stop us.

***

As hours passed without a message from Kristina, the fears I’d hidden away, buried, or just flat-out ignored from the moment she said said, “Hello David” came creeping back. Around 3:30 that afternoon, I knew I had to do something. I had to know the truth. I requested a Lyft and entered as my destination the address where my new life was supposed to begin. I put on my new jeans, placed the baklava in a reusable shopping bag with the Ohio-shaped cutting board, and waited.

Five-star Jeff came pretty quickly. We talked about what we both did outside the car as we made our way down to the house. Twenty minutes felt like all the games Kristina and I had played, plus the two months we’d spent talking, all rolled into one.

I lied to Jeff for no reason other than it was easy; I told him the contents of my shopping bag were housewarming gifts for friends of mine who were new in town. “Yeah. She’ll be starting a job at Wexner Medical Center next month. They gave her a month off to acclimate herself to her new surroundings. Can you believe that shit?”

I noticed something odd when we pulled up to the house, but I lied again and had Jeff pull over to wait for me in case they weren’t home, even though I instantly knew they wouldn’t be.

A burgundy-colored For Sale sign was still in the front yard.

I silently cursed myself for not having listened to the less-hornier angels of my nature. I felt like I was going to vomit burgundy-colored blood all over five-star Jeff’s floorboards. I liked Jeff, but I couldn’t let him know how badly I’d been played, or all that had led up to what he’d just witnessed. I needed to get home before I could even think of letting my feelings show. At that moment, Jeff was the only other human being on the planet who knew where I was, even if I’d lied about why he’d taken me there.

I walked up the steps and sheepishly knocked on the door. Ringing the doorbell would have been much easier, but my stomach was doing somersaults. I fully expected a classic fat-chick catfish reveal like so many I’d seen on television, but there was no moment of truth, no dramatic confrontation. After five minutes of tense anticipation that quickly morphed into oh-shit-what-if-someone-really-lives-here paranoia, I went back to Jeff’s SUV and explained that they must not be home, so I’d like to go back to mine.

After Jeff dropped me off at my place, I messaged Kristina that I needed to talk to her and it was important. I made sure to include two of the kissy-face emojis that had become ubiquitous in our exchanges. As many times as I tried to send the message, the reply was always the same: Sending failed... tap to retry. I knew I’d been had, but the enormity of both what she’d done to me, and what I’d allowed her to do, didn’t really hit me until I emailed her in a last-ditch effort to tell her something she already knew: I couldn’t reach her through our chat. After I hit send, I finally let my heart sink among the crashing waves of anger, sadness, regret, and self-loathing that had been battering it all day.

David played “why” for ten points.

The pillow on the left side of my bed is still empty when I wake up in the morning. Instead of a four-bedroom house, I still live in my one-bedroom apartment. The walls are so thin that I once heard one of the two homosexuals who live adjacent to me tell someone on the other end of the phone that they could tolerate lemon pepper seasoning in their food if they didn’t know it was there, but foreknowledge of its presence was a deal-breaker.

The things you do for love.

It may not be a reality dreams are made of, but at least its real, and it’s mine.

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akimbohimbo · 5 years

Note

If you're truly that bored, all the even numbers for this ask thing you coward. You know who this is.

hey anon……. you underestimate how bored i am right now.

i just got home from a long day of walking with friends and doing… everything and i am POOPED but unwilling to go to sleep just yet… so YES i will take you up on this offer

currently typing on mobile so i apologize for the scrolling @ y’all reading this

2. How old did you turn this year?

19, I can now legally drink in Ontario!

4. Did your appearance change in anyway?

My legs and thighs got more toned because I walk like, 20k steps every day. I go everywhere.

6. If you traveled, where did you go?

Paris, New York, Montreal, and I really got to know Toronto better. I’ve been everywhere here and I know the city like the back of my hand. 2019 was a very eventful year for sure.

8. Which fashion trends did you hate?

Can’t say I really caught up with fashion since I just wear what I like without giving a fuck what others think?

10. What song sums up this year for you?

Too much happened this year for it to be summed up in a single song, or even a whole playlist (believe me, I TRIED). But, if I could do it as accurately as possible? That Green Gentleman (Things Have Changed) by Panic! At The Disco.

12. What was your favorite movie of the year?

Shit that’s hard but for this sake I’ll say Always Be My Maybe. I’m a sucker for Asian-led romantic comedies!

14. Favorite new TV show?

DICKINSON. WATCH IT. IT’S FUNNY, INFORMATIVE, AND GAY AF.

16. What food did you try for the first time?

Curly Tops (the chocolates), they’re so good!

18. What was one nice thing you did for someone else?

I went grocery shopping with my friends. I suggested that we all split the bill and pay for groceries for the month for my one friend as a collective birthday gift! I also cooked them all a giant meal that day. It was a lot of fun.

20. Did you develop a new obsession?

I’ve always enjoyed making playlists, but now I just make them for literally any mood. I also like customizing them to fit what certain friends of mine like listening to, I’ve gotten pretty good at storytelling through music!

22. Did you move?

Nope!

24. Did you get a pet?

Nah.

26. Do you regret doing something?

I regret not cutting off one of my friends earlier. I saw the signs of our toxic friendship but chose to ignore them because I like to think that I see the good in everyone. It would have saved me a lot of energy and tears if I had just done so sooner without it building up to such a dramatic crescendo.

28. Did anyone/thing make you so mad it stayed with you for days?

I found out my ex best friend was a pathological liar. Normally, I’d be somewhat okay with it since it’s a condition you can deal with/treat/is relatively normal, but I found out that she lied about a lot of really fucked up shit. Death, suicides, her entire life story, cancer… it was just a lot.

30. Did you fall in love?

Yeah. I’m in love with a wonderful girl right now and I’m happy that she’s in my life, regardless of whatever context that may be.

32. Did you start a new relationship?

I was in an open relationship with a girl in the beginning of the year for like, 5 months. But, I’ve been casually seeing/sleeping with/dating a few people since then. Currently seeing 3 people right now.

34. Did you have to cut ties to someone?

A few people. It was all very sad, but we gotta do what we must to better ourselves and our mental health, right? Also, it’s hard to accept that sometimes we can be the toxic ones. We’re all capable of so much good things… and conversely bad things. I never did anything asshole-like, but my self-deprecation was not a healthy thing. Now I’m working on being a more generally positive person without having to put myself down and I’m making a lot of new, meaningful friendships.

36. Who wasn’t as important to you this year as they were last year?

My ex best friend. My one ex who I Do Not Talk About.

38. What was the best moment of the year for you?

Man!!! There were a LOT of highs this year. Uhh I had the best day of my life with the absolute love of my life sometime this summer, so I’d say that day. We saw some jazz by a dog fountain, ate cabbage from the ground, dicked around at a market, bought a new plant, walked along the harbour, passed by a pirate ship, climbed and trespassed some shit to watch a beautiful sunset and walked some more. Also we sat on a bench and shared childhood stories for 4 hours until our stomachs hurt. It was a really good day.

40. Did anything happen that you were sure would change you as a person but it really didn’t?

Not really? I went through a lot of shit and all of it changed me in some way or form, I guess.

42. What are you most proud of accomplishing?

This year was just. A lot. I’m just proud of solidifying the friendships that I already have. Also… I walked through the entirety of Rouge Park (so now I can joke that I walked from Scarborough to Pickering ahdsfvdosj only Toronto mans know how much walking that truly is)

44. Did your opinion of anyone change for the better?

I can’t say I would remember? Nothing’s too distinct enough for me to remember something like that lmaoooo

46. If you make resolutions, did you complete them this year?

I mean, my only resolutions this year were

kiss more girls

maintain my GPA

get over my fear of pregnancy by having sex with a person who has a penis

and I did all of that sooooo

48. If you could go on an adventure during the remaining days of the year, where would you go and what would you do? Who would you go this?

I’ve been having adventures ALL YEAR!!! I’m looking forward to my long hike with my friend, we’re gonna do that in like 2 weeks and we plan on walking the entirety of the Humber Valley. It’s gonna be a long one, but I’m really excited about it!

50. What do you wish for yourself?

PEACE. SO MUCH HAS BEEN HAPPENING AND I FEEL LIKE THE PROTAGONIST IN SOME DUMB FUCKING MOVIE. CAN THINGS RELAX PLEASE AND THANK YOU. but also i like the chaos and i’m pretty sure i’m addicted to it so dshfigjsdoadjd uhh maybe just better mental stability tbfh i am living a pretty cool life right now

#i'm so sorry to anyone who has to scroll through ALL of this i just came home from 2 drag shows and i'm TIRED #quiet kgem

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uacboo · 7 years

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Starz’s hit drama series “Outlander” may be sitting out this Emmy cycle, but that’s not stopping the premium network from shipping off its 2017 FYC mailer to the TV academy membership. The dazzling purple booklet includes nine programs on nine DVDs, including new sci-fi show “American Gods” and returning dramas “Power” and “Black Sails.” Scroll down to see all of the programs that have been submitted within the FYC package, which also includes a passcode for voters to access Starz’s online screening room. “American Gods” — Based on Neil Gaiman‘s successful 2001 novel, “American Gods” stars Ian McShane as Mr. Wednesday and Ricky Whittle as ex-con Shadow Moon, who unknowingly gets caught up in a supernatural war between new and old gods. These four episodes have been submitted for Emmy consideration: #101 “The Bone Orchard,” #102 “The Secret of Spoons,” #103 “Head Full of Snow” and #104 “Git Gone.” “Power” — The gritty drama stars Omari Hardwick as James “Ghost” St. Patrick, the owner of a popular New York nightclub who’s also involved in one of the city’s most lucrative illegal drug rings. Created by Courtney A. Kemp, “Power” is produced by rapper Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson. Emmy voters can watch these four hours: #301 “Call Me James,” #305 “Help Me,” #307 “Don’t Go” and #310 “In My Best Interest.” “Black Sails” — Starz’s expensive prequel to Robert Louis Stevenson‘s novel “Treasure Island” pirated up millions of passionate fans, who are still in mourning over the departure of their favorite show. Will the Emmys honor “Black Sails” with a goodbye hug for its fourth and final season? The episodes included within the FYC mailer are: #401 “XXIX,” #403 “XXXI,” #409 “XXXVII” and #410 “XXXVIII.” “Ash vs Evil Dead” — Based on the cult horror franchise, the show finds Ash Williams (Bruce Campbell) once again battling the undead to save mankind. In the second season, Ash returns to his hometown of Elk Grove, Michigan, giving fans an opportunity to find out more about the beloved character. These eight half-hours are provided: #201 “Home,” #202 “The Morgue,” #203 “Last Call,” #205 “Confinement,” #206 “Trapped Inside,” #207 “Delusion,” #208 “Ashy Slashy” and #209 “Home Again.” “Survivor’s Remorse” — The hit comedy series features Jessie T. Usher as Cam Calloway, a young basketball star who grew up poor and then all of a sudden makes it big. Emmy voters can plug in these eight episodes: #301 “Night of the Crash,” #302 “The Ritual,” #303 “The Thank-You Note,” #304 “The Age of Umbrage,” #305 “The Photoshoot,” #306 “No Child Left Behind,” #307 “The Guests” and #310 “Father’s Day.” “Blunt Talk” — The departing comedy starred Patrick Stewart as baffoonish news anchor Walter Blunt and Adrian Scarborough as his right-hand man Harry Chandler. Here are the eight episodes included within the FYC package: #201 “I Remember That Time More Like a Movie I Saw Than a Life I Lived,” #202 “If It Comes in a Plastic Bag, Don’t Eat It,” #204 “How Is It That Every Conversation We Have Comes Back to the Size of Your Penis,” #205 “It’s Been Months Since I Kidnapped You,” #206 “Love Is Not Linear,” #208 “A Cell Doesn’t Have to Be a Closet,” #209 “Walter Has to Look After Walter” and #210 “Is This All Because I Didn’t Call You?” Rounding out Starz’s 2017 Emmy FYC mailer are a pair of buzzy limited series — the second installment of “The Missing” and “The White Princess,” a sequel to “The White Queen” — as well as documentary contender “After Spring” about the Syrian refugee crisis. Source: Gold Derby

#Starz #emmys 2017 #American gods #power #black sails #the missing #the white princess #after spring #blunt talk #survivors remorse #ash vs evil dead

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tabloidtoc · 6 years

Text

Globe, February 18

Cover: Drunken Camilla’s brawl with the Queen

Page 2: Up Front & Personal -- Goldie Hawn, Ben Affleck, Arnold Schwarzenegger

Page 3: Charlize Theron, Cybill Shepherd, Peter Dinklage and daughter

Page 4: Robert Redford has just months to live

Page 5: Doctor suing Gwyneth Paltrow for more than $3M after she ran into him on the ski slopes then kept going

Page 6: Livid ex-wife hauls Hulk Hogan back to court, celebrity clothes cleaner says the band Slipknot had the grossest clothes he’s ever seen, Rod Stewart insists on only being photographed from his good side because he’s ashamed of his nose

Page 8: Cover Story -- The Queen has finally had enough of Prince Charles’ wife Camilla

Page 10: MS miracle may let Teri Garr walk again, Camille Grammer has been living in a trailer home since losing her Malibu mansion to California’s wildfires last year, Spot the Evil Twin -- Lukas Haas and Alex Honnold

Page 12: Celebrity Buzz -- Courteney Cox and Lisa Kudrow have been secretly huddling about a show that doesn’t include Jennifer Aniston, Jim Parsons is socializing more thanks to husband Todd Spiewak, Tobey Maguire is addicted to shopping especially for girlfriend Tatiana Dieteman, Rob Kardashian getting a tummy tuck for new girlfriend Alexis Skyy, 300-lb. Russell Crowe eating himself to an early grave, Josh Brolin and daughter

Page 13: Kristen Bell, Demi Moore, Wayne Newton, Hook-ups & Babies & More

Page 14: Anne Hathaway dumbstruck by how handsome Matthew McConaughey is, Fashion Verdict -- Kelly Ripa, Emily Blunt, Irina Shayk, Pamela Anderson, Victoria Beckham

Page 16: Clint Eastwood wasting away, Jax Taylor of Vanderpump Rules secretly wears heel inserts to make himself look taller, Jussie Smollett attacked

Page 18: 10 Things You Don’t Know About Tim Allen, Alex Trebek gets hit on a lot by women in their 70s and 80s, Lindsay Lohan is the boss from hell

Page 20: True Crime

Page 24: Kate Beckinsale hospitalized with a ruptured ovarian cyst, Ozzy Osbourne coughed so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye, Artie Lange says his misshapen nose came from a punch from a kidnapper after he racked up a $62,000 gambling debt

Page 25: Robert De Niro’s divorce has turned into an ugly custody war over their seven-year-old daughter

Page 28: Health Report -- Cancer will be cured in a year

Page 30: Straight Talk -- Dumbass Justin Bieber supporting woman beater Chris Brown, Spot the Evil Twin -- Chip Gaines and Jake Busey

Page 32: Bachelor contestant Caelynn Miller-Keyes says her life was flipped upside down after she was drugged and sexually assaulted four years ago

Page 33: Inside the mind of Ted Bundy

Page 34: Married MSNBC anchors Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski looked like they were broadcasting from Washington, D.C. but were really in Florida, Duchess Megan Markle is enlisting her mom Doria Ragland as a nanny

Page 36: Funny Photo Quiz -- Robert Irwin and Jimmy Fallon

Page 38: Real Life

Page 41: Macho Michael Jackson’s double life as a ladies’ man, deadbeat Tori Spelling must pay $88, 246 to American Express, Tisha Campbell-Martin’s year-long divorce battle has turned nasty

Page 45: Paranoid convicted sex fiend Bill Cosby thinks he’s being spied on and he may be right because someone flew a drone over the prison trying to get his picture, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is being pampered in prison, rabid golfer Michael Douglas fell for Catherine Zeta-Jones because of her love for the links

#tabloid #camilla duchess of cornwall #queen elizabeth #queen elizabeth ii #camilla parker bowles

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beautyisreligion · 7 years

Text

To distract myself from being suicidal I answered lots of questions

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? Can’t remember it’s been a while  2. Are you outgoing or shy? More shy  3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My fren jazmyn tomorrow :)  4. Are you easy to get along with? I hope so  5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? Person I like???! Like friends??? What?  6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Girls.  7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? Nah  8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? Professional hockey player Auston Matthews.  9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Nah  10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Deep??? Idk  11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? So we don’t have a cooler really  12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Green light So far (it's alright) Where do you go (to my lovely) Subdivisions (the nsp version tho) Scar tissue   13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Ye   14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?  man idk 15. What good thing happened this summer?  im too sad to b positive rn thanks 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?  yep 17. Do you think there is life on other planets?  hell yeah man come on

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?  i dont even really know who my first crush was 19. Do you like bubble baths? if the bath is big enough for my gross body then ya  20. Do you like your neighbours?  I dont really like people in general man (not 2 b emo) 21. What are you bad habits?  Eating all the time. Being messy. Being sad. 22. Where would you like to travel?  Greece. And go back to toronto. 23. Do you have trust issues?  hell yeah 24. Favorite part of your daily routine? the fuck is a routine???????//?????  25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?  the entire concept of “body” makes me uncomfortable 26. What do you do when you wake up? either like 8am or 4pm  27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?  neither????? 28. Who are you most comfortable around? no one (1)  29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? i have nver dated any person  30. Do you ever want to get married?  no 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? ye  32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?  oh bruh tons. rn i’d say tom hollands and zendaya 33. Spell your name with your chin.  nikcfolld 34. Do you play sports? i havent moved in centuries  35. Would you rather live without TV or music? tv  36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?  no idea 37. What do you say during awkward silences?  nothing. they are silent. 38. Describe your dream girl/guy?  someone who is nice and likes me 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?  slavation army and winners and like urban planet 40. What do you want to do after high school?  die 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? no.  42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?  tired. specific kind of sad. 43. Do you smile at strangers?  i try to 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? ocean!  45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? nothing.  46. What are you paranoid about?  all. 47. Have you ever been high? I smoked weed once but i didnt really feel anything so i guess no  48. Have you ever been drunk? yeah like twice  49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? this probably  50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? black  51. Ever wished you were someone else?  all.the.time 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?  all. 53. Favourite makeup brand? bruh???idk  54. Favourite store?  didnt u ask this aready 55. Favourite blog? ob-elisk  56. Favourite colour? black  57. Favourite food?   greek 58. Last thing you ate? im ashamed of it so no  u dont get to know 59. First thing you ate this morning? mango  60. Ever won a competition? For what? yeah a lot back in the day for ballet  61. Been suspended/expelled? nah 62. Been arrested? nah  63. Ever been in love? how should i know  64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?  it was gay and fun 65. Are you hungry right now?  no 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? they are the same people  67. Facebook or Twitter?  twitter 68. Twitter or Tumblr? tunglr.hel  69. Are you watching tv right now?  no 70. Names of your bestfriends? i dont know what “best friends” means  71. Craving something? What?  death 72. What colour are your towels? blue  72. How many pillows do you sleep with? dos  73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? ye  74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? in me bed: 3 in me house: more  75. Favourite animal?  elephants and dogs and cats and coons andbears and corvids and moths and spiders 76. What colour is your underwear?  white 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate boo i aint a madman  78. Favourite ice cream flavour?  CHOCOLATE 79. What colour shirt are you wearing?  black 80. What colour pants?  white + green 81. Favourite tv show?  brooklyn 99 i think 82. Favourite movie?  lilo and stich silence of the lambs dark knight 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? come on. obviously the OG.  84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? both.  85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? janis  86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?  Crush 87. First person you talked to today?  me mom 88. Last person you talked to today?  me mom 89. Name a person you hate? dad. donald trump. hitler. johnny depp. men.  90. Name a person you love? me sis  91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?  dad. donald trump. hitler. johnny depp. men. 92. In a fight with someone? nah i dont think so  93. How many sweatpants do you have? 2  94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? lots  95. Last movie you watched? back to the future  96. Favourite actress?  julie andrews 97. Favourite actor?  heath ledger 98. Do you tan a lot? i dont leave my home thanks  99. Have any pets?  4 kitties and a ghosst dog 100. How are you feeling? b a d  101. Do you type fast?  not really 102. Do you regret anything from your past? i dont believe in regret  103. Can you spell well? not as well as you’d hope from an AP english student. and way worse in french.  104. Do you miss anyone from your past? yes. my lovely and dead grandparents  105. Ever been to a bonfire party? a what  106. Ever broken someone’s heart?  lmao not that i know b 107. Have you ever been on a horse?  like a decade ago yeah 108. What should you be doing? sleeping  109. Is something irritating you right now?  insomnia and depression and self hatred 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? meh  111. Do you have trust issues?  yeeeeeEEEBOYYY 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? dont member. prly me mam.  113. What was your childhood nickname? one time i got called nicky and my mom got mad at the kid and i was too scared to say that i liked that someone was close enough to me to call me that but then our friendship fell apart :(((  114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? yes, a lot. im very fortunate  115. Do you play the Wii? wanted one when i was younger and never got one  116. Are you listening to music right now? nah but i wish (am too lazy and sad)  117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? am a vegetarian  118. Do you like Chinese food? ye specially noodles  119. Favourite book? Misery or paper towns or harry potter or percy jackson or i dont know really  120. Are you afraid of the dark? no  121. Are you mean? i hope not. i try not to be  122. Is cheating ever okay? what does “okay” mean  123. Can you keep white shoes clean? no  124. Do you believe in love at first sight? yes.  125. Do you believe in true love? yes.  126. Are you currently bored? i dont know man  127. What makes you happy? blissfull ignorance of my mental disorders even for a moment  128. Would you change your name? yeah. my last name so that its not my dads anymore  129. What your zodiac sign? virgo  130. Do you like subway? yeah  131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? wake up from the vivid day dream  132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? deep????  133. Favourite lyrics right now? “And she lays down on her bedroom floor The chemicals that make her laugh Don't seem to be working anymore”  134. Can you count to one million? what????no???  135. Dumbest lie you ever told? anything i ever told my dad to try to avoid his rage  136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed  137. How tall are you?  5 foot 9 138. Curly or Straight hair?  in between 139. Brunette or Blonde? me??? im brunette  140. Summer or Winter? death  141. Night or Day? death  142. Favourite month? time aint real and neither are months  143. Are you a vegetarian? i am :)  144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? dark!!!!11!!!!!!!!!11!  145. Tea or Coffee? coffee.  146. Was today a good day? it never is.  147. Mars or Snickers? neither.  148. What’s your favourite quote?  “When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake.” “I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own.” 149. Do you believe in ghosts?  i d o n t k n o w 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “About a year or so after we moved to Scarborough, my parents and their friends began having weekend get-togethers.”

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#my post #nicole hasdepression guys and she'll take the distraction sshe can get at 1:52 am

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julian-nieva · 8 years

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Slumped in the back corner on the main floor of East Room, a members-only communal office space in Toronto’s Riverdale neighborhood, La Mar Taylor is glued to his phone. Taylor, who now lives in L.A., had planned on only visiting family and friends while he was in town. But right now, the creative director for Grammy award-winner The Weeknd is planning several projects for artists under the singer’s XO record label. “It always comes together in the last minute,” says Taylor.

The 26-year-old, who’s dressed in a black Puma tracksuit and matching sneakers, met The Weeknd (“Abel,” to him) the first day of their freshman year of high school in Scarborough, a suburban district of Toronto. “We had the same business class and I remember it vividly,” he says, laughing. “I was wearing a pink polo and he had a baby blue du-rag on. We were just cracking jokes at each other.” Taylor and The Weeknd shared interests in music and creative photography, and quickly formed a bond.

At 18, he and The Weeknd dropped out of high school together, and moved into a one-bedroom apartment in downtown Toronto with their friend Hyghly Alleyne. At that point, The Weeknd was already dabbling in music and Taylor was developing his skills in photography. Taylor had planned on becoming a nurse, and he admits he was hesitant to drop out at first. But he eventually surrendered to The Weeknd’s persuasion. “We wanted to live the lifestyle 24/7,” he says. “No ifs, ands, or buts. It just got to the point where we were like, ‘We can’t fucking hop on the train at 1:30a.m. trying to catch the last one to go back home [to Scarborough] and then do the same thing all over the next day. If we really wanted to live our dreams, we felt like we had to live the lifestyle non-stop.”

The independence was difficult at first. “We were all living off welfare checks at the time,” Taylor says. But Taylor, The Weeknd, and Alleyne saw it as an opportunity to network and shape their careers. (Alleyne is now a director for XO projects.) “That experience really shaped us, inspired us, and gave us everything we needed to start working on our first project, which wound up becoming [The Weeknd’s 2011 debut mixtape] House of Balloons.”

Since then, Taylor has photographed the covers for The Weeknd’s mixtapes Thursday, and Echoes of Silence, as well as the three-disc mixtape Balloons Trilogy. He also handled all branding, marketing, and creative directed the Canadian singer’s live shows. “Early on, we literally had no budget,” he remembers. “I was pulling favors, using ex-girlfriends, current girlfriends, just whoever was around.” In 2011, he directed the video for Drake’s “Marvin’s Room,” and later “Headlines” and shot the Take Care album cover.

Fresh off the European leg of The Weeknd’s The Legend of the Fall tour, we sat down with Taylor, who was recently recognized by Forbes in its prestigious 30 Under 30 list, for his first-ever interview. Taylor discuss the early influences that shaped his work for The Weeknd, what it was like working with Drake, and the importance of fostering the next generation of Toronto creatives.

How did you become The Weeknd’s creative director? There wasn’t a role like that back then, you know? Abel was more just like, “We’re about to drop this mixtape and I need a cover.” I knew how to take photos, so I just brought my ex-girlfriend at the time to my mom’s house, put in her in the bath tub, naked, blew up a bunch of balloons and tossed them in there, and shot the cover.

I remember Abel was at the studio [in downtown Toronto] and I was taking screenshots on my phone of the selects and sending them to him like, “What do you think?” I think the first image I showed him ended up being the House of Balloons cover. As soon as he saw that image he was like, “This is it.” Man, that cover just made everything sound so much better.

"I COULDN'T BELIEVE WE WERE SHOOTING A MUSIC VIDEO FOR DRAKE."

What was the inspiration behind the covers for Thursday and Echoes of Silence? For the trilogy mixtapes the whole reference was the the feeling of having the best high. Thursday was the peak, hence the overexposed bright color palette we used compared to the other two covers.

For Echoes of Silence the cover represented the aftermath of the party being over, the come down from the high. We went with a dark, eerie approach with the visuals to reflect that feeling.

Did you look to any artists for inspiration? Not really. I was looking at a lot of fashion editorials and that’s what was really inspiring me during that time.

Where did you go to find references for your projects then? I remember being hooked on Tumblr as a kid. That was a gateway to the world for me. Being a kid from Scarborough who really hadn’t left the city at all, I just didn’t know much about anything. Tumblr opened my mind to the world and what it had to offer in terms of design, fashion, music, culture, and everything else. I was on that 24/7. I was consumed by it. So obviously a lot of my inspiration came from there.

You’ve also worked with Drake. How did that relationship come about? [Drake’s manager and OVO founder] Oliver [Khatib] discovered Abel’s music and showed Drake. They reached out to us and said they loved the whole creative direction. They asked us how we felt about helping him out with some creative. From there, they started giving us projects.

What was your inspiration for the “Marvin’s Room” music video? At that time Drake really wanted to put on for the city. I mean, it’s something he’s always wanted to do, but he wanted to capture that visually in both the “Marvin’s Room” and “Headlines” videos. The setting for both videos were based on showing his personal day-to-day life in Toronto for the world to see. At that time, Toronto didn’t have a great presentation. Nobody really knew what was happening up here. All the locations we shot at is where we’d be 24/7. “Marvin’s Room” took place at Goodnight Bar. We also used Harbour Sixty Steakhouse. It was about representing the lifestyle for everyone to see.

“Marvin’s Room” was a big learning experience for us. Drake is still is the biggest artist right now, but at that time he was huge. I couldn’t believe we were shooting a music video for Drake. And it was the first music video I ever directed. I made a lot of mistakes with that but I definitely have no regrets.

What was it like working with him? Working with Drake was an amazing experience. It’s always easier and more fun to work with people that you came up with and you have a personal relationship with.

How have you seen the creative scene in Toronto change over the years? I remember when we were first coming up, we were one of the only few collectives in the city. Now, when I come back to the city, I’m seeing more and more creative collectives—Kid Studio, the DSTRY boys, Derek Wise and his crew. It’s very inspiring to see these guys coming together, putting their forces into one project, and seeing what can come out of that. It reminds me of us, when we were just starting. We were this creative gang of photographers, designers, and musicians, who were just putting everything in one pot and pulling resources to create the best product possible.

After Kiss Land, The Weeknd went from being a mysterious singer people didn’t know much about to a pop star. He even cut his hair last September. How instrumental were you in those decisions? Obviously Abel’s the captain of the ship and we go off his vibe. If he says he wants to cut off his hair today we’re just like, “Okay, this is how we are going to present it and ensure it’s the biggest and best way possible.”

It’s does become more challenging because the bigger Abel gets the more eyes he has on him. So that gives us—I don’t want to say pressure—but there are a lot of eyes and attention on the projects as well. We know people are watching his every move, so we’ve got to go real big with every project and ensure there are no fuck-ups. We were doing everything in-house back in the day but we realized that if we were going to bring it to this next level, we were going to have to work with the best. That changed everything for the better. We started working with our idols, people we admired, and I love that. I feel like relocating to L.A. was also vital to that. We wouldn’t be where we are at now if we didn’t move to L.A.

Beauty Behind the Madness was a hugely successful album. What was the decision to change the direction for his projects when Starboy was released? We don’t like repeating anything we do. We’ll kill the Starboy aesthetic and then it’ll be onto the next on. We’re not really too concerned about other people copying our moves; we’re already four moves ahead.

It’s all just vibes, to be honest. Thankfully, I’ve known Abel my whole life, so we have that chemistry where we know each other’s taste levels and that makes it a lot easier to work together. When we’re going into a new project everything starts with the music. We listen to the lyrics, vibe out, start throwing around ideas and pull movie references. We strategize what we can do differently from the previous projects and build the excitement around that. Our whole approach to marketing is generating excitement around the project. I feel like you don’t see that in music anymore. People now just drop albums, get the first week numbers, and move onto the next. It’s not like a movie rollout. But we want to make sure it’s a moment, people are excited and inspired, and looking forward to the project.

How involved are you in creative direction for other XO artists, like Derek Wise, NAV, or Belly? How do you approach working with these individual artists? I pretty much handle everything for Belly and work very closely with Cash, who discovered our newest artist NAV, on his creative presentation. Derek has his own internal team that I work closely with and mentor in areas I can help with. It’s just relationships. You have to really know that person, talk and go back and forth on ideas, and trust each other’s vision.

Do you have any plans to work as a creative director outside of music? Yes, definitely. I’m in the process right now of creating my own creative facility in Toronto for the youth coming up. I remember working on the design layout for House of Balloons with my creative partner and one half of the team Drop, we’d come down from Scarborough to [Toronto arts college] OCAD and hack into their computer system so we could use all the tools on there. We didn’t have access to anything else. We had no money at the time to download Adobe or Final Cut Pro. In my head, I’m just thinking, how many more creatives in the city are in the same position? They don’t have the tools to execute their vision, so that’s what I’m trying to build for them in the next two to three years.

You’re big on helping young, up-and-coming talent from Toronto. I’m in the position right now to help all my friends and peers. I always try to plug them into my outlets any way I can. If we’re shooting a music video or doing a cover, I’ll always try to hit up somebody from Toronto. I feel it’s my job as a creative to provide opportunities for other people.

I remember working with [Toronto-based design studio] Kid Studio in the beginning. We were looking to do a video for “King Of the Fall” and Abel wanted to do a viral video. I told him we had to work with these guys like, “Let’s do something simple in Toronto with the homies posted up and capture all that.” I remember going to the studio and seeing the playback and the final cut and being blown away.

I saw a photo of you, Cash, Future, and The Weeknd on the set of a music video. What’s up with that? I can’t say what it’s for yet, but yeah, we were working on a video together. It was super nostalgic. Seeing Abel and Future together on the TTC [Toronto Transit Commission] subway put everything into perspective for me. We really came from the mud and went global. It’s crazy to think that the day that photo was shot was the sixth anniversary for House of Balloons. I don’t know if that’s just a coincidence or a sign from the universe.

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