#how they picked up the same protective streak over Luffy when they lost the other

[sweetsmalldog]

It’s that time of night where I’m incredibly mentally unwell about the ASL brothers

[theotherscandystore-blog]

And I Have You

(Fourth, and final part!)

Pairing: Zosan

Description: “What I’m trying to say is that I won’t ever be able to understand the pain that you’re going through, but I understand the feeling of being so helpless, that you just want to give up. It’s so much easier than to keep on fighting; to slip away and never have to deal with the burden that weighs on you…. You’ll always have to fight it, and sometimes it’ll seem like it’s unbearable, but if you’re able to fight back, then why not try and live?“

Warnings: a lot of swearing, depression, attempted suicide, almost starving to death, and death

The room was filled with silence, other than the beeping of Zoro’s steady heart. Sanji’s own thrashed against his rib cage, as if trying to escape from the awaiting confrontation. Still, he slowly paced forward; and when Zoro’s gaze was fixed on him his breath was stolen from his lips. Sanji knew that look, could feel the lingering effects of what that look brought; it greeted him like an old friend, and then Sanji was scared for a whole other reason.

“Zoro—”Sanji breathed out.

“I wanted to die.” Zoro blurted, and suddenly Sanji felt as if he were on a sinking ship, being pulled under by cold water and all he could do was struggle to keep himself from being swallowed beneath those dark, blue hues. Zoro never admitted defeat; never lost sight of his dream. His name was supposed to reach the Heavens; to shake the world! Sanji believed that Zoro would never dream of throwing away his life’s purpose, but would and could were two different words, even if their sound was almost the same…

“I knew, before going into the fight, that he was stronger than me.” Zoro spoke, bringing Sanji out of his chaos wrecked mind, “I didn’t know he’d be that much stronger, but I knew that if I sought him out, than he would show me no mercy.” His voice was dull, lacking any emotion over his words.

The room grew into a violent quietness that threatened to rip Sanji apart. He felt his gut twisting and pulling on itself, felt the same pain that weighed down on his chest when he had been the one to lie in that hospital bed, almost starved to death. It was too familiar, to clear for Sanji to want to remember, but it tore at him and ate away at his racing heart. Thinking about the past at a time like this was murderous, and Sanji willed the hurtful memories away.

He needed to speak, to break the silence, but how do you even respond to someone telling you that they went out to fight because they had a death wish? Zoro had wanted to die....He wasn't going to think about that, wouldn't think about it, so instead he asked, "did you… Did you tell the others this? What you just told me?"

"No."

"Then why are you telling me? If anything Luffy would—"

"Luffy wouldn't understand—he wouldn't ever get close to understanding. He couldn’t even begin..." Zoro’s words lost volume, and soon they ended. He stared at his hands as picked at his fingernails as Sanji watched him. He looked so unlike himself, all confidence and cockiness forgotten and replace with meekness. Zoro looked weak, like a small animal trapped in a cage, knowing that they’ll never escape.

“Then why do you think I would?” Sanji asked after a moment. Zoro seemed to be searching for the right words as his expression kept shifting, thinking carefully over what he was going to say next.

“None of the others would stand there and actually listen to what I'd have to say. They'd show me pity, say that it was an accident, that I wasn't thinking right after I saw her—" Zoro seemed to choke on his words and for a split second, Sanji saw Zoro's eyes betray him. They told the unspoken story Zoro hadn’t said; brimming with misery, grief, sorrow, and anger before it faded away into the same glazed over look he had worn when Sanji first walked in.

"What do you mean?"

“No, I shouldn’t have said anything.” Zoro huffed, “never mind.”

Sanji clenched his hands into tight fists by his side to contain his anger, but his voice leaked with viciousness, “Never mind? You start explaining why you’ve been gone, saying that I was the only person that’d be able to understand, yet you tell me never mind?!”

“It’s not that big of a deal--”

“Of course it is! Zoro, you’ve been gone for two weeks without giving barely anything on where you’ve been or what you’ve been doing to anyone! I was worried sick about you, scared that maybe you took on more than you could chew, and here we are! I know that you’re better now, but do you know how terrified I was when I found you bleeding to death in that alleyway? Do you know what I felt when I held onto you, thinking that I was never going to see you again?!”

All the pent up anger seeped out of Sanji as he turned away from Zoro. It took every ounce of his willpower to bite back the onslaught of emotions, but his fears and anxieties rushed through his bones and flooded his veins. Like a scab being torn off, the pain flushed through as tears started cascading down his face. He tried wiping his eyes with his sleeves, but the tears wouldn't stop their attack. Crying was ugly, crying was messy, and crying brought with it too many over burying emotions that opened one’s heart to be beaten.

"I'm not sorry for what I did," Zoro says after a while, and Sanji spun on his kneel.

"Fuck you, you asshole! I don't care if you're not sorry, but the fact that you went and got yourself almost killed like you had some sort of death wish—you put us—me—through a living hell! You said that I was the only one who would understand, so let me understand why the fuck you would even think about doing this—hurting us all because of some sort of God complex you seem to—"

"Kuina died!” Zoro snapped, glaring over at Sanji until his expression changing into a pained look and he bowed his head.

"Oh shit." Sanji had heard Zoro talk about Kuina once. He usually kept to himself about his personal life, but Sanji had overheard Zoro talking to Luffy about her. Remembered how Zoro actually smiled talking about his sister, admitting that he actually missed her. Luffy smiled back, saying how he missed Ace as well, and Sanji felt as if he were watching something intimate between the two, and left with a heavy chest.

"After she died I tried to brush it off, I tried to just act like it never happened, but she—I couldn’t be in my own house without seeing her—hearing her voice from across the room, but every time I looked, she just wasn’t there." Sanji watched as Zoro tried to stay calm, tried to keep everything under control. He watched Zoro's face scrunch up, fighting back tears, but the dam had been broken, something in Zoro had been broken.

Zoro was crying and his sister was dead.

What do you tell someone after their sister dies and they try to commit suicide? 'Well, better luck next time,' range through Sanji's head in a sadistic howl that had haunted him during his recovery, and he had to shake off the terrified feeling slowly growing in between his ribs.

No one was ever prepared for something like this, no one should have to go through something like this—Zoro didn't deserve to feel like this. For as many times as he's helped out every single friend of his—and even strangers he didn't know—Zoro did not deserve this.

The world was a cruel place, and Sanji knew that better than most.

“The closest I’ve been to death was when I was younger,” Sanji spoke up as Zoro’s sobs became quieter. “I almost starved to death, and I sometimes still get hunger pains that feel like knives cutting into my stomach. It doesn’t matter if I’m full either, it’s like a reminder of past pain that still haunts me today.” Sanji took in a shaky breath, looking to Zoro who stared at the wall.

“I thought I was going to die, I’m surprised that I didn’t after how long I went without food and water, but I was lucky enough to have Zeff by my side to endure the pain with me. I can’t thank that old geezer enough for all he did for me—what he’s still doing for me.

“What I’m trying to say is that I won’t ever be able to understand the pain that you’re going through, but I understand the feeling of being so helpless, that you just want to give up. It’s so much easier than to keep on fighting; to slip away and never have to deal with the burden that weighs on you….” Sanji hadn't noticed that he'd started crying again. He went to wipe his tears, but noticed that something was holding his hand down. His eyes wandered to his hands and saw Zoro's hand in his, and he smiled sadly. He shifted his gaze to Zoro’s face and saw him staring back with an overflowing amount of emotion as tears spilled; his eyes searching for solace within Sanji that he had been deprived of for the past few weeks and Sanji’s heart lurched in his chest, begging to be given in replace of Zoro own broken one. Instead Sanji gently reached his hand up and wiped away Zoro's tears as well as his own.

"I'm not saying that it'll get easier, and I'm not going to say that everything within time will be fine; it'll still hurt the same. You'll want to get rid of the pain, but taking the easy way out isn't always the right way. You'll always have to fight it, and sometimes it'll seem like it's unbearable,  but if you’re able to fight back, then why not try and live?" Sanji said, hoping that his words would reach Zoro’s heart and stick to him like a tattoo. "I know that you'll pull through. You have Luffy and Usopp, Nami and Robin, Chopper, Franky and Brook."

"And I have you." Zoro said so quietly that Sanji almost missed it, but the words lit his insides on fire with a warmth that soothed his aching bones. Never in his life had Sanji wanted to protect and love someone as much as he did when he stared at Zoro with so much adoration in his beating heart.

“And you have me.” Sanji smiled for what felt like the first time in his life and watched as Zoro’s mouth twitched up into a true, genuine smile that he didn’t know how much he missed until now. He leaned down and kissed the swordsman's tear streaked cheeks ever so gently in promise of a hopeful future.

A/N: Here we are! Hopefully those who have read this have enjoyed the story and are happy with the ending. I know I threw you all into a whirlwind of angst, but hey, at least the story ended happy! Please don’t hate me! X’D (Part One / Part Two / Part Three / You are Here!)