#how much worse did that need to narrate get after lot 37

[rindomness]

rin i am so deeply unwell about cecil palmer.

his mother didn't talk to him except to prophesise his death or remind him he doesn't exist.

his dad made him climb into a tree and get eaten by the smiling god??

he doesn't remember his childhood.

he used to go back to his abandoned childhood home and sleep on the sofa. it's probably demolished now.

he can't go to the grocery store anymore because he's afraid of auctions. and for good reason !!

he was raised by his sister and she always resented him for it.

he describes his family history as a ghost story. his childhood was a ghost story. his life is a ghost story.

he keeps having to watch other versions of himself die.

he didn't choose to be the voice of night vale, it was chosen for him whether he liked it or not. he probably can't quit or resign, he'll probably be the voice until he dies.

leonard burton died in his arms. his interns keep dying or leaving or growing older than him and moving on with their lives while he stays where he is.

his main coping mechanism is Denial and drinking to forget

he dies in a tree every year???? interesting lifestyle choice

terrible things keep happening and he can't do anything about it except narrate !!

also a mirror is gonna kill him. how is he supposed to deal with that. can he not go to walmart?? cause they sell mirrors at walmart !! does he have to call the store before coming in like "hiiii can u pls cover your mirrors or put them away". does carlos do most of the shopping just in case? then what did he do before carlos? does he have mirrors on his car? do his friends cover their mirrors when they know he's coming over? do all reflective surfaces make him nervous? what is it like knowing that such an everyday item can kill you? does he wake up every morning and wonder if today is the day?

SORRY FOR THIS you just reminded me of 171 and that episode makes me feral

DUDE ME TOO WE CAN BE UNWELL ABOUT THIS WEIRD GUY TOGETHER

the tree thing makes me unhinged like WHAT is going ON with that. if it is the smiling god that brings up even more questions. mostly questions about the smiling god honestly!

his entire family is a wreck i really do hope that part of him and Abby talking again was them, like. talking about that a little bit because could you IMAGINE being in that position. like. what do you even do about that

him in 171 being like did your mother tell you she was an oracle before she left like WAUGH. we know that his position as the Voice was prophesied his mom was an oracle was she the one who told him? if so was that the only interaction they had that wasn't her telling him he was going to die/didn't exist or fucking hiding from him? considering his Entire familial situation it's a wonder he's as functional as he is.

the mirrors i want to scream about the mirrors ok . ok. like. YEAH does it apply to every reflective surface or just mirrors? going grocery shopping at all has to be a nightmare yeah no kidding. you know those mirrors sometimes in the drink aisle? how the fuck do you deal with that? do you just shut your eyes? do you just avoid it entirely? I know carlos doesnt do all their shopping bc cecil keeps reading off requests for him to pick stuff up from the store in texts so like How did he deal with that. do night vale stores just not have mirrors?

driving must be a nightmare too you're right i didn't even think about that before holy shit. Can he drive? How? You need to use your mirrors while you're driving. does he walk everywhere? does he have like a bike? a scooter even? i think he can drive bc of first date but like that must be So stressful. I'm just. so. so mentally ill about the mirrors. he was so fucking stressed out by eunomia's visor it made me stressed out how do you lead a functioning life that way

in conclusion thank you and i wanna chew electrical wires about this man

[5hfanfiction]

FROM AFAR - CHAPTER 18

We woke up around eleven the next morning, and I couldn’t even look at Lauren straight in the face. I was still embarrassed and pissed about the events that had occurred at the end of the previous night, we only talked the necessary about our plans for the day and for lunch, which we had all together by the way. I came back from the dining hall straight to my room, where I instantly started to narrate what had happened to two of my friends from home. They encouraged me to go talk to Lauren about it, to say how I was feeling and maybe decide something for real this time.

In the short time that everything had happened between me and her, and the times we had to really stop and talk about it, I was the one to have the initiative every time, and that frustrated me more than anything. I was already tired of it. Because my pride was huge, although I didn’t have a problem in overcoming it for a greater good, but it gets tiring to be the only one to make an effort to solve problems or make amends or whatever has to be done. I remember saying that to them, that I really needed Lauren to do something on her own but little did I know that that feeling would be a constant in my relation with her. I was sure that Lauren left my room that morning knowing that we had to talk about it some time, and I was left there knowing I had to be the one to take the first step.

It sucked.

I didn’t want to at first, but my friends convinced me to do it anyway. I was mad about everything, it was such a difficult time in my life and I didn’t want the extra pressure, even though Lauren was my remedy more often than not, I needed to know what was up with her, with us. What she would like to happen in the future regarding our relationship. And don’t get me wrong, at the time I was okay with just being friends, even if in my perfect world we would be more than that, and I didn’t want to stay away from Lauren because of everything we’ve been through together and everything she had helped me with. I was okay with the weirdness now if I knew it was only temporary, and getting used to not being too close to her.

It had only been three months that we knew each other and I surely could live without all that stuff I had with her because I had been living my entire life so far without it, I just had to endure a few days of loneliness and weirdness and maybe a little heartbreak, but soon I would be back to my old life. I only knew that because I had been through it that first time, it may seem like the end of the world but it’s not. The human being has the ability to adapt to anything, in the same way I got attached to her and that changed my routine, I would be able to go back to what it was before her or get used to whatever was going to happen in the end.

What I was not okay with was the nagging feeling of being confused and frustrated all the time because that was all Lauren made me feel when we had trouble in paradise. When I thought that things were getting better, whether I would still be kissing Lauren or not, something would happen and everything would go down the drain, and I absolutely hated that. I was pissed and I’d speak to her and get it over with, because at that point it was more than me wanting that, I needed that, stability, I needed to know for sure what she wanted to do because I was never sure of anything in my life, but that had to end there and this time there would be no turning back, no more getting closer again and forgetting all that’d happened, forgetting the limits and what we had settled and then it would all happen again like an endless cycle. The only word I had in mind was finality, whatever that meant.

Camila (12:16 pm): hey

Lauren (12:20 pm): hey, ow, let’s go

Lauren (12:20 pm): do you know tony hawk? hahaha

Lauren (12:20 pm): hi camz

Camila (12:21 pm): the skater one?

Lauren (12:22 pm): yess

Lauren (12:22 pm): it’s the song from the game

Lauren (12:22 pm): i was such a sk8ter girl lol

Camila (12:22 pm): i used to play that a lot

Camila (12:23 pm): it was awesome

Camila (12:23 pm): but let’s get to the point

Lauren (12:23 pm): speak up, i knew this was coming by the way

Camila (12:24 pm): it has to

Camila (12:24 pm): otherwise i’ll die here alone

Camila (12:24 pm): little by little each day

Lauren (12:24 pm): that’s awful

Camila (12:25 pm): sorry about yesterday, i don’t know if i forced anything but for me it was pretty clear that you wanted it

Camila (12:25 pm):  and then that happened

Camila (12:25 pm): and i get confused

Camila (12:25 pm): nothing about this was what we had settled

Camila (12:25 pm): from beginning to end

Camila (12:25 pm): since i’ve been going through this in my life with my grandma

Camila (12:26 pm): i really appreciate that, god knows that i don’t have words and it’ll never be enough for me to thank you

Camila (12:26 pm): even if i don’t say it

Camila (12:26 pm): but then we got back to being what we were before

Camila (12:26 pm):  and i know you’re reaaalllyyy confused

Camila (12:27 pm): and i’m sure that most of it is because you’re scared about losing our friendship

Camila (12:27 pm): i’m sure of it

Camila (12:27 pm): but then you give me all the signs

Camila (12:27 pm): and i don’t know what to do, i’m just following my needs

Camila (12:28 pm): but after yesterday i don’t know about anything anymore and i don’t want to keep doing this

Camila (12:28 pm): if you need space you’ll have space

Camila (12:28 pm): because i don’t know until when i’m gonna keep up with this and awkward situations like yesterday are going to happen

Camila (12:28 pm): and i hate it

Camila (12:28 pm): now talk

Lauren (12:33 pm): i agree that everything is back to what it were and yes i’m really confused, but i really wanted it yesterday and i know it was clear, i really thought we were going to make out again, but when it was going to happen you turned to the other side and i understood it like you wanted it but were not going to do anything because of what we had settled

Lauren (12:33 pm): for real, i didn’t get anything that happened yesterday

Lauren (12:33 pm): and i swear i don’t know what to do

Lauren (12:34 pm): to be honest, i wanted to kiss you for a long time yesterday

Lauren (12:34 pm): and that happens many times during the day

Lauren (12:34 pm): I really don’t know what to do

Lauren (12:34 pm): really

Lauren (12:35 pm): obviously the first thing that comes to mind is our friendship

Lauren (12:35 pm): but what i feel with you is too good to simply ignore too

Lauren (12:35 pm): but i understand what you said

Lauren (12:38 pm): i know you hate that

Lauren (12:37 pm): so it’s gonna be like you said

Camila (12:38 pm): actually i was really scared of doing anything yesterday

Camila (12:38 pm): i was holding myself

Camila (12:38 pm): and with ally here it just made everything worse

Camila (12:39 pm): but it was all a misunderstanding

Camila (12:39 pm): i was gonna kiss you yes

Camila (12:39 pm): but when i got closer you turned your face

Camila (12:39 pm): and i got it that you didn’t want to

Lauren (12:39 pm): No

Camila (12:39 pm): that’s why i turned to the other side

Lauren (12:39 pm): hahahaha

Lauren (12:39 pm): i didn’t want it to stop

Camila (12:40 pm): that’s why i got confused and ‘angry’

Camila (12:40 pm): because you did everything right to do that to me in the end

Camila (12:40 pm): and i don’t know until when i’ll handle it

Lauren (12:40 pm): angry your ass, i’m gonna go there to beat you up

Camila (12:40 pm): two idiots

Lauren (12:40 pm): no shit, not at all, you got everything wrong

Camila (12:40 pm):  but it’s too complicated

Camila (12:40 pm): i was really scared

Camila (12:40 pm): reeeallyy

Lauren (12:41 pm): i know it is

Lauren (12:41 pm): i know

Camila (12:41 pm): of ruining everything

Lauren (12:41 pm): you were not going to ruin anything

Lauren (12:41 pm): seriously

Lauren (12:41 pm): do you think i would do all of that

Lauren (12:41 pm): to act like a pussy when the time comes

Lauren (12:42 pm): that’s why i didn’t understand why you turned

Lauren (12:42 pm): i knew you wanted it too

Lauren (12:42 pm): and then i moved and you turned to the other side and i was like: ?

Camila (12:42 pm): i don’t know, because you’re confused?!

Camila (12:42 pm): you might want it, but not want it, you know

Camila (12:42 pm): i turned because i thought you had given up

Lauren (12:42 pm): i see

Camila (12:43 pm): asshole

Camila (12:43 pm): i still lost a good amount of sleep because of that situation

Lauren (12:44 pm): i’m gonna tell you something about me

Camila (12:44 pm): and i think about kissing you all the time too, so much that makes me angry

Lauren (12:44 pm): i don’t play games, if it seems like i want it, it’s because i want it

Lauren (12:44 pm): period

Lauren (12:45 pm): you don’t get to think otherwise

Camila (12:45 pm): noted

Lauren (12:45 pm): hahaha i know, it’s the same with me

Camila (12:45 pm): that’s why when we talked about it i said stop everything

Camila (12:45 pm): because it just tortures me

Lauren (12:46 pm): :(

Lauren (12:46 pm): then we do that

Lauren (12:46 pm): we can’t just say ‘’let it happen’’ because i think it’s gonna be worse

Lauren (12:47 pm): we can barely hold ourselves together when we’re close

Lauren (12:47 pm): and if this is bad for you we’re not gonna keep doing it

Camila (12:47 pm): what do you wanna do?

Lauren (12:48 pm): i don’t know

Lauren (12:48 pm): it’s just like

Lauren (12:50 pm): it sucks putting a limit to what we can and cannot do

Camila (12:50 pm): yeah

Lauren (12:51 pm): because everything i’ve done so far was natural and it seems that when we put a limit it gets weird

Lauren (12:51 pm): kind of forced

Lauren (12:51 pm): i don’t know how to explain

Lauren (12:51 pm): but i got it that it makes you feel bad

Lauren (12:51 pm): i don’t want that

Lauren (12:52 pm): so we need to stop with the physical contact

Lauren (12:52 pm): because we can’t handle it

Camila (12:52 pm): put a knife in my heart and it’s gonna hurt less than that lol

Lauren (12:52 pm): don’t say that

Lauren (12:53 pm): see

Camila (12:53 pm): what are you afraid of?

Lauren (12:53 pm): i don’t want you being like that because of me

Lauren (12:53 pm): i’m not afraid of anything

Lauren (12:53 pm): my only concern is hurting you

Camila (12:53 pm): i’m not thinking about anything else

Camila (12:53 pm): only that when i feel like kissing you for example, i won’t have to put on my resting bitch face because I can’t

Camila (12:54 pm): and now i know that you want the same

Lauren (12:54 pm): JESUS THE RESTING BITCH FACE IS EXPLAINED

Lauren (12:54 pm): can’t believe it

Camila (12:54 pm): lmao

Camila (12:54 pm): a stronger resting bitch face*

Camila (12:54 pm): the resting bitch face is natural

Camila (12:54 pm): i was born with it

Lauren (12:54 pm): hahahahahahha

Lauren (12:54 pm): idiot

Lauren (12:55 pm): anyways

Lauren (12:55 pm): what’s up?

Lauren (12:55 pm): what’s the deal?

Lauren (12:55 pm): you decide camz

Camila (12:55 pm): don’t say that

Lauren (12:55 pm): i’m saying it haha

Lauren (12:55 pm): no whatevers

Camila (12:56 pm): oh god

Camila (12:56 pm): you don’t even know what you want

Camila (12:56 pm): let alone me

Camila (12:56 pm): but wait

Lauren (12:56 pm): i’m chill

Camila (12:56 pm):  i don’t wanna stop with the contact

Lauren (12:56 pm): you don’t have to decide now

Lauren (12:56 pm): if you don’t want to

Camila (12:56 pm): even though it’s the most reasonable

Camila (12:56 pm): shush

Lauren (12:56 pm): mhm

Camila (12:57 pm): but then it’s not like I have a place to run to

Camila (12:57 pm): I’m gonna see you everyday

Camila (12:57 pm): and we’re gonna hang out together

Camila (12:57 pm): and it’ll be this weird atmosphere

Camila (12:57 pm): and i’ll be torturing myself

Camila (12:57 pm): if we’re gonna stop it for good we’re gonna stop with all of this

Camila (12:58 pm): seriously

Camila (12:58 pm): and each one carry on with their life

Camila (12:58 pm): if not, it’s gonna stay like it is and the only words i can express is ‘let it happen’, unfortunately

Lauren (12:58 pm): but the way it is, is not good for you, isn’t it?

Camila (12:59 pm): it’s not good because i can’t kiss you

Camila (12:59 pm): just that

Lauren (12:59 pm): Camz you haven’t decided anything, you gave me two options

Camila (12:59 pm): but it’s not just about me, Lauren

Camila (01:00 pm): i’m saying that i like you

Lauren (01:00 pm): so

Camila (01:00 pm): the options are

Camila (01:01 pm): stop with everything for good

Camila (01:01 pm): or let it happen

Camila (01:01 pm): i wanna let it happen

Lauren (01:01 pm): My fear of this let it happen is that we’ll do everything we want to without thinking about anything, wonderful, and yes i want that too

Lauren (01:01 pm): but my fear is that one of us, for some reason at some point get hurt by that

Camila (01:02 pm): i know

Camila (01:02pm): i’m scared of that too

Camila (01:02 pm): but i just wanna live

Lauren (01:02 pm): us both

Camila (01:02 pm): i don’t wanna hold myself back from things i want to do cause i’m scared of something happening

Camila (01:02 pm): shit happens with everyone

Camila (01:02 pm): we get hurt everyday

Lauren (01:03 pm): you’re so right

Camila (01:03 pm): we get sad because of so many things

Camila (01:03 pm): i just wanted to live something good

Camila (01:03 pm): but then i don’t get it if you want that or not

Camila (01:03 pm): even if you want to keep doing this

Lauren (01:03 pm): i want to

Lauren (01:04 pm): we can’t live fearing things, we don’t even know what could happen tomorrow

Lauren (01:06 pm): i just don’t want to hurt you

Lauren (01:06 pm): just that

Camila (01:06 pm): forget about this thing of hurting me

Camila (01:06 pm):  for god’s sake

Camila (01:07 pm): you only make me feel good

Camila (01:07 pm): and if at one point something happens

Camila (01:07 pm): patience

Camila (01:07 pm):  that’s what living is

Camila (01:07 pm):  it doesn’t mean anything

Lauren (01:08 pm): haha what a philosopher

Lauren (01:08 pm): so okay

Lauren (01:08 pm): the i think we have a deal

Camila (01:09 pm):  that would be?

Camila (01:09 pm):  just live?

Lauren (01:10 pm): haha yes

Camila (01:11 pm): can i come by to kiss you?

Camila (01:11 pm): just to make up for lost time

Lauren (01:12 pm): what

Lauren (01:12 pm): haha

Camila (01:12 pm): yes or no?

Lauren (01:12 pm): hmmmm

Lauren (01:12 pm): i’m kidding

Lauren (01:12 pm): yes

That was my finality, and to my surprise it was what I wanted really. I was taken aback by all of Lauren’s words because I honestly didn’t expect it. I was torn before going to talk to her because I knew I just needed those feelings to end for good, and in my head that meant that we would have to stop doing that and not the other way around. Lauren had just ended a relationship and there I was, a girl, making her feel things that made her confused which was making me confused in return. I had started the conversation with my mind convinced that it was the end and not sure about what Lauren was feeling about that, about me, about the other night, again, but I was okay with that, like I said, I just wanted stability and finality, whatever that meant. But then the conversation took a different path and there we were. It seemed like a good end for me, the unexpected ones are always the best.

  I waited a few minutes before going there, I needed to regain my composure first. I was never that bold before, like asking if could go there to kiss her?! What the hell! Maybe the exchange was making me change in ways I didn’t predict, or maybe I didn’t know myself well enough before. I went to brush my teeth first because like hell I would come up with all of that audacity and show up at Lauren’s door with bad breath. And I tried to prolong the time as much as I could because of my nervousness, but it was just Lauren, it should be fine.

  After waiting the most I could, I made my way to Lauren’s door. I knocked and heard her say it was open. I think had never been so embarrassed in life, Lauren was sitting cross-legged on the bed chewing a gum that I knew she did it because of her breath as well, she was so confusing but so predictable sometimes.The first thing I did was throw my body on her bed because I didn’t have the guts to do anything else in the moment. Lauren showed me a huge grin while I buried my face in her pillow to wait for my shyness to pass. After a few moments of us both just getting accustomed with each other’s presence after that conversation, I stood up to stop in front of her on the bed. We leaned in closer with stupid smiles on our faces, I’m sure I looked like a tomato too.

  “Take your glasses off, I don’t want that to get in the way,” Lauren put the item on the duvet as I grabbed her neck and pulled her close. There it was again, all the build up frustration from the night before, all of the words uttered by Lauren about how she thought about kissing me the other day and that it happens all the time too. It was all leaking through our kisses and touches.

  “Are you calmer now?” She asked with a smirk on her face. She must have sensed my frustration.

  “Yeah, asshole!”

  We spent the entire day together. Literally. I studied there, and I don’t even remember getting out of the room to eat and I surely don’t remember Ally or Dinah. We talked about everything and anything, we kissed for the times we didn’t get to, we talked about how sad I was because they wouldn’t get to meet my grandma and she told me they already did, through me. I couldn’t sleep there because of her roommate but overall it was a happy ending. For that day, of course. We had decided to ‘let it happen’, which was a lot different from our ‘don’t get too close to each other’ thing, and I didn’t know what to expect. Chances were shit would happen again and I would think about what to do when it happened. Sure I was happy that things turned out the way I wanted but I was not naive, life is unpredictable and it didn’t change the fact that Lauren was still confusing, so you never knew what would happen the next day, but I was still happy because I wanted to live that, I chose to live that without fearing the tomorrow, and I had to trust her when she said she wanted that too.

 A/N: good camren moments ahead :D

[sorayahigashikata]

Chapter 91: "The right kid's gonna die tonight! I think."