#how many times must we have to deal with psychology torture before anyone cares?

[vriskadyke]

anyone ever think about how the bad kids all started out with like, no friends

like gorgug canonically didnt have any friends pre-bad kids, riz's only friendship was his fuckin babysitter, kristen might have known people also in the cult but let me tell you, friends you have when you're as trapped as she was Do Not Count, adaine DEFINITELY didnt have friends, fabian's 'friendships'- if he had any- were all most likely not genuine at all- and fig lost all her friends when her horns came in

and then you think about how they all had some kind of trauma or psychological issue coming into their friendship, especially regarding their home lives

fabian's mom was an alcoholic. bill cares a lot about his son but sophomore year makes it very clear just how much his expectations, intentional or not, fucked up fabian, and how bill's expressions of love arent exactly... healthy. like, to me i'd probably place fabian's issue as being closest to parental neglect- yes, both hallariel and bill were present and loved him, but bill especially started out not loving him as an Actual Person ("i thought you were just going to be me. a way for me to live forever"). actually the entirety of family in flames really shows this- bill was not a good parent, and it Really Messed fabian up. hell, bill physically assaults fabian at one point and calls him soft. while fabian is in jail. bill is the root of his issues with toxic masculinity

we know adaine is an abuse and neglect victim, so that goes without saying

i am firmly in the camp that sandra lynn was a good parent to fig (yes, she fucks up during sophomore year, but i think that was Very Complicated and not something she ever intended for fig to have to deal with). but gilear was not a good parent to her. i will point to the very first episode on this. fig says "the look on his face when my horns started growing in didn't look a lot like love". in a later conversation in the same ep, gilear says "i know i said some hurtful things when i first found out". fig fires back with "yeah, you said 'you're no longer a faeth', and guess what, i'm not. i'm just fig now"

and god, how much that must have fucked her up. especially since canonically fig lost all her friends during this time period. How much that must have hurt. i firmly believe that fig's behavior during season 1 re: trying to find her dad is a product of the fact that gilear said that. "i'm not your daughter anymore? fine, ill find a dad who does want me". not to mention that she feels GUILTY for being the product of an affair. she says that she's "the living embodiment of someone betraying gilear". thats so fucking sad. and couple all this with the loss of her friends, a double puberty- tiefling *and* normal (i hc fig as a trans girl so this is especially gutwrenching for her)- and that's enough to fuck up Anyone

sklonda was a wonderful parent to riz and so was pok- i love them both- but just because they were both great parents doesn't mean there's not trauma from the loss of a parent, especially since riz is so young, and he had so little closure. remember, all he knew was that his dad died in a shipwreck. plus, his only friend goes missing and so do a bunch of other girls and he has no answers about what happened. and maybe it's not trauma, but the combination of these two things is definitely a huge emotional weight on him, especially before he met the bad kids!!

and gorgug- like i said, he had no friends growing up. i don't think i can fully explain how much it hurts to have no sympathetic peers growing up- and i had some friends, even if they weren't always the best of friends and even if i couldn't talk to them about everything. gorgug had absolutely no one. not to mention the fact that he grows up in a community where no one looks like him- and wilma and digby were absolutely great parents (the world if all parents were like wilma and digby.....) but that doesn't change the fact that there was a huge gap between him and the rest of the people who surrounded him. and how sad and lonely that must have been. how utterly full of despair

kristen. kristen applebees. i think people forget that her home life wasn't just ultra-religious but a full on fucking cult. she had probably never met anyone outside the cult before going to the academy. the reason she was even allowed to go was probably because coach daybreak worked there and would keep an eye on her. and kristen's a lesbian. and it's canonical that she's a lesbian, yes, but also that the cult was explicitly very homophobic. i firmly, adamantly believe that there was a whole journey between season 1 and 2 where kristen had to grapple with that. tracker brought her to lgbt parties and kristen literally hid in the bathroom because it was so fucking alien and scary to her. 

how full of fear she must have been growing up, expressing herself and immediately being told that it's a sin in the eyes of helio. ESPECIALLY because she was the fucking chosen of helio. she was their pinnacle, the embodiment of everything they stood for. there's so many things that the cult probably did that kristen didn't even bat an eyelid at. the scene in dishing with a demon where she's talking about the harvest festival, kristen talks about adults torturing children with sleep deprivation as if she's talking about a cool summer class she took. gorthalax talks about the harvestmen and kristen doesn't think about cultists in robes hurting people, she thinks of corn ears and pop quizzes and her parents. 

these kids were all so fucked up prior to meeting each other. and yknow what. i think that might be why they all ended up being so close. there's a certain recognition that kids who have Gone Through Shit have for one another. especially if you fight a demon corn glob butthole together.

[yandere-mha]

Hello, sweetheart 💗! Can I please get a Dabi with s/o who was bullied by classmates at school because of her looks and every time someone compliments her she tells them to stop making fun of her in a harsh tone

Hello. It is me: sweetheart :3

Of course you can, beautiful <3

TW: VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

MAJOR BNHA MANGA SPOILERS.

READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

Yandere Dabi with a bullied s/o:

Dabi really isn’t one for compliments. He’s a very intolerant person who doesn’t see the good in many people. Whenever he compliments anyone, he always seems very mocking and disingenuous. He doesn’t have any social tact, but nine times out of ten he genuinely is maliciously mocking people. I can see many scenarios where an s/o with a history of verbal abuse like this could get their feelings hurt by him whether he means to do so or not. Psychologically draining people is his way of getting leverage over someone whenever he feels powerless, which happens a lot.

However, something he would share with an s/o like this is that he also has a history of being verbally abused and, as a result, has very low self esteem. He’s also very sensitive himself and will not tolerate anyone criticizing him while also turning around and nitpicking others to make himself feel better but let’s not talk about that. While he definitely doesn’t want a carbon copy of himself as an s/o, he’d probably relate more to someone with some sort of shared trauma. 

Also, he will not ever confide in you about this, but he is very insecure about his looks as well. He never cared too much about stuff like that until he met you and now he has to be tortured by the thought of you leaving him for another man. He’s the most jealous person in bnha imo. He's never been good enough for anyone’s love and he never wants to feel replaced like that again... to a psychotic and homicidal degree.

He would never say it out loud, but he thinks it’s “fucking stupid” that you feel that way about yourself. Sure he’s... much more aggressive about it than he needs to be, but he’d be annoyed you don’t get that he thinks you’re gorgeous just by the way he can’t stop staring at you, imagining all of the ways he wish he could touch your face if only his skin was still soft and not littered with cold staples. I also think he’s be insulted thinking that if you think you’re ugly then you must think he’s the most hideous creature in the world.

Again, words of affirmation are definitely not his strong suit. In his response to this he’d probably make his s/o feel worse and might end up insulting them.

This guy... is so extra though. Literally the second he finds out about your experiences with being bullied, he’s asking for names. If you refuse to tell him, he’ll actually take some of his anger over the general situation out on you. If you tell do tell him, they’re as good as dead. He’ll probably even take pictures of what he did to them and show them to his s/o... how romantic? He definitely expects a reward for this too. Please god just touch him and tell him how much you love him.

Though he doesn’t necessarily try to compliment you more after this, he will be even more fiercely protective over you than he was before. He will personally hunt down anyone whose done you any kind of wrong no matter how small. He takes every little slight as his own personal offense and we all know how Dabi deals with people slighting him (he doesn’t). No one makes his dollface feel like shit (except him).

[hotchley]

like blood underneath your fingernails

Honestly, I’m quite proud of this one. It’s been in the works for a while, and I finally have a title (from Looking Too Closely- Fink) and I both did those flashcards and emptied the dishwasher, so it’s here now. It’s been proofread!! Once. In the car.

The writers (according to the internet) did not deal with the aftermath of Scratch’s initial... thing. So I took it upon myself to write the case after. It got dark, but I had fun writing it. And it has low-key Mortch vibes... a lot of other amazing writers have also written fics linked to this, so you need to read those too because they’re just the best

OH!! This is not a Rossi-friendly fic. I have tried to explain why he responds the way he does, but it does come off as Rossi bashing, so if you reallllly love him and think he was a great friend to Hotch... skip on this one.

Trigger Warnings: dissociation, aftermath of torture, a slight reference to suicide and child death, canon-typical violence, cases involving kidnappings and murder, blood, dark themes, other canon-typical darkness, hallucinations

read on ao3!

He cannot close his eyes.

Because when he closes his eyes, he sees one of them, falling to the ground as the light leaves their eyes and the life leaves their body because his worst fear has never been his own death. It has always been the death of the family he is meant to protect- whether that was Sean, or Haley or the team. 

He hears the fear in JJ's voice as Spencer, her little brother, the boy that has always been too young, the man that he has never succeeded in saving, falls to the ground, eyes never opening again. 

He tastes the horrifying and coppery tang of blood as Derek is shot right in front of his eyes, the blood splattering onto his cheek and every sentence Reid has ever spoken about the bacteria and pathogens in blood springing to the forefront of his mind.

He smells the bitter and disgusting sage that Peter Lewis uses to torment people and turn them into brutal murderers that cannot stand the sight of their own hands or wrap their heads around their actions because they had always been normal and good, and it hurts because he's already a killer, never once normal or good.

He touches the knife that was slid towards him, the metal cool against his warm hand and the weight a comforting thing that make him feel like he could regain control of the situation he was in, despite the thoughts of George Foyet that fill his mind, and he wonders whether Scratch is impotent.

He closes his eyes and he no longer knows what is real.

It is why he is returning to work only ten days after the case. He had wanted to take the usual five, terrified even of that small number because he couldn't trust himself. The doctors that assessed him in the hospital wanted him to take thirty. Ten, and a passed psychological evaluation, had been the compromise.

He wonders if the team knows how he lied. They must do. They aren't stupid. He wonders if anyone will call him out on it, or if they'll once again be so terrified of the humanity he wants nothing more than to cling to that they will simply watch and wait until he shatters again.

The steady ticking of the clock is the only noise in the otherwise silent apartment. When he flicks the light on, he sees there are still five hours until he needs to wake up. For a single moment, he closes his eyes, contemplating whether or not attempting to sleep is a pointless exercise. He swears he can still taste sage and opens his eyes again.

A silent house is not necessarily a bad thing. It means Jack is sleeping through the night, no nightmares about the gunshots haunting him. And it means the extra locks on the door, the obsessive way he checks every window is locked as soon as the sun goes down, are doing their job at keeping the monsters out of the only home Jack has real memories of.

Aaron creeps out of bed, grabbing the jumper that was folded at the foot of his bed. Once he's put it on, he sighs to himself and counts to five. For each number, he tells himself a fact that cannot be disputed. That grounds him.

His name is Aaron Hotchner.

He is forty-four years old. 

He is standing inside his bedroom, in his apartment, which is located in Virginia.

The windows of that apartment are locked from the inside.

Just down the hallway, his son is sleeping peacefully, untouched by the monsters that strangle his father every single day.

He creeps down that hallway, taking comfort when the same floorboard that always creaks does just that. Normally he would avoid it. But lately he's been finding every opportunity to do something that Peter Lewis would have no knowledge of, if only so he can convince himself he's fine.

Jack's door is slightly open, allowing some light to enter. Aaron nudges it gently, making sure he doesn't wake Jack. The door doesn't make a sound, and his son carries on sleeping. He never looks so similar to his mother as he does when he sleeps. Haley slept on her left side, a slight smile on her face, and Jack does the same, unless he has a bad dream.

But even then, he is so much like his mother that his tears can be turned into something beautiful. Aaron was the exception of their little family, having always expressed his emotions so honestly, the few times he let himself do that, that there was no way it could be anything but ugly and human.

He's too big for the chair in front of Jack's desk, but he sits in it anyways, turning it so he can face Jack's bed. On the table is his latest art project- a collage of things that remind him of the people he loves- and Aaron finds it difficult to look at. Because his son has painted his mother as a perfect angel, and his father a superhero.

One day, Jack will realise his father is the furthest thing from the superhero and he will hate him for destroying his childhood and taking his mother from him before he was old enough to understand that people were mortal. Aaron is mentally preparing for that day- there are already so many letters that will never excuse or justify what he did hidden in his office drawer- but until then. he will allow himself this one good thing.

He will allow himself to sit, and take comfort in the steady rise and fall of Jack's chest. He ends up staying there until sunlight starts to stream through the window, and then he takes his leave. 

Seeing Jack, sleeping so calmly and normally, reminds him of why he's going back to work. Because if he hurts the wrong person there, the team won't hesitate and they'll do it. If he hurts Jack- and he knows he's weaker than the man that refused to harm his son, knows that it will be Jack- there will be nobody there to end his pain and suffering. He'll be forced to live with it.

A minute before his alarm is set to go, he turns it off, and then he goes about morning like it is any other day. 

He doesn't feel like himself till he puts the watch Dave got him when became lead profiler on, tightening the strap till it mirrors the feeling of holding the knife. And he wonders whether the team are discussing his return to duty the same way they had six years ago. 

They are. Aaron's absence meant more paperwork for the rest of them, as there is no way the team are going to let him handle it when he comes back, so every single one of them are in an hour earlier. It also means his return will be as smooth as it can be.

Even if they don't all approve.

"It's only been ten days," Derek says. "He needs more time."

"Does he? He came back thirty-four days after George Foyet stabbed him in his apartment and his wife and son were sent into Witness Protection, and he was fine. This is like child's play compared to that," Dave says, fiddling with a paperclip.

"Ex-wife," Reid corrects quietly. 

The three of them are sitting in the bullpen, looking towards the elevator every few minutes. Kate pretends she's not listening, and Derek pretends he believes her.

"Was he fine? He looked us in the eye and asked why a man that had lost his wife and child was still alive. He walked into a hostage situation unarmed. We all pretended he was fine because we needed Foyet to strike, but I'm not making that mistake again. Not after what happened when he did end up striking," Derek snaps.

Spencer swallows. Dave just raises an eyebrow. It's almost funny. Spencer views Aaron as a father, Dave as a son. Either way, they both believe he is perfect. Able to come back from anything and everything with nothing more than a broken ego. But Derek remembers what Foyet's body looked like, and he remembers how Aaron had shattered in his arms for those few seconds.

"If you want to ruin his first day back, then be my guest. But you need to trust him the same way he trusts us. After all, you care more about him than you do your job," Dave says, annoyance bleeding into his tone.

And Derek gets it. He really does. He had wanted to believe Gideon was invincible when he came back after Boston. Everyone had. So they hadn't done anything, and he had just gotten more and more reckless with his actions until innocent people ended up dead and Hotch got suspended. And then he ran. 

He isn't going to let that happen again.

"This isn't about not trusting him. This is about keeping him safe. And you're right. I do care about him more, because the last time I didn't, he almost retired. So we either do the opposite of what we did last time, or we let history repeat itself."

"Derek, you can't force him into anything. He passed his psych eval, so Cruz can't do anything either," Spencer says. 

Derek softens as he turns to him. "I know pretty boy. It's not about forcing him into anything. It's about making sure he knows that we're here if he needs more time, or if he needs a break. And don't get me started on that psych eval. I saw his answers. They're too perfect. He's lying."

"So what are you going to do?" Dave challenges, and not for the first time, Derek wonders how Aaron kept his sanity working with him, Jason Gideon and Max Ryan at the same time without any of the other members to meet his eyes with the same exasperated look every time one of them reverted to the old fashioned way of doing things.

"Be the friend he trusts me to be," Derek says. It's his own challenge. Dave prides himself on being the only one to call him Aaron. To people outside the team, Rossi seems to be the only one that Aaron trusts enough to be vulnerable with. 

But Derek knows better. Aaron will never be completely open with anyone, but he still feels like he has a duty to be the hopeful and undamaged boy that thought he could save the world that Dave recruited. He still has a duty to be the father that Spencer never had and thought he'd found in Gideon. It is only with Derek that he allows himself to do his own type of falling apart: one that is contained and messy and ugly. Somehow both terrifying and anticlimactic

It was Derek that stopped him from running into a burning building all those years ago. It was Derek that was voluntarily told about Haley leaving. It was Derek that stepped up as Unit Chief and pulled him off Foyet's dead body. Not Dave and certainly not Spencer. So he won't let them influence his actions. Not this time.

Hotch does blink. But only when he thinks nobody will see him do it.

Dave keeps eye contact for a few more moments, but this time, Derek does not break it. Eventually the older man turns around and heads to his office. Derek sighs, knowing fully well that Aaron is going to end up doing the paperwork anyways.

"Is he going to be okay?" Spencer asks, sounding so painfully young that Derek has to look at him to remember he wasn't the new recruit anymore.

"Dave? Yeah, he'll be annoyed, we'll get a case and then everything will be fine," Derek says, smiling so Reid doesn't worry.

"No I meant Hotch. Will he be okay?"

Derek can't tell him the truth. "Of course he will. He's Hotch."

"Why are you lying to me?"

He knows there's no point in trying to deny it. "I'm not trying to patronise you or keep you in the dark. It's not that. It's just- I don't know. It's stupid, but I want to shield you from his mortality and flaws and imperfections for as long as is humanly possible. You are always going to have a different relationship with Hotch because of how much younger you are, and I just don't want to be the one that ruins it."

"So you want to protect me?"

Derek nods. "I guess."

"Thank you. Nobody ever did that when I was younger," Spencer says.

Kate breaks the ensuing silence by asking for Spencer's opinion on her consult, and Derek starts watching the elevator doors again. They don't open until precisely nine, when Hotch steps off, dressed in the same suit and tie he wears every second Monday of the month, carrying his briefcase and acting like nothing happened.

He gives them a slight smile as he passes them in the bullpen, and even those few seconds are enough for Derek to see that he hasn't been sleeping.

When Aaron sets his briefcase down, Spencer looks to him, nervous. Derek gives him a small smile, even though they all saw him as he entered. It's only been ten days since they last saw him, but his suits seem to hang from him more than before. Dave looks out at them, and Derek starts to count.

He counts to three hundred, and is immediately struck by just how fast time can go. Three hundred seconds is five minutes, and yet it feels like no time has passed. But when Hotch looks out at them, as he always does, everyday, without fail, ten days feels like a lifetime.

He is terrified as he stands, but he fights through the fear and goes up to his friend's office. The door is open, so he walks in without knocking. When Hotch looks at him, he closes both the door and the blinds. Hotch swallows as the sound of them closing fills the air.

"I don't want them profiling this conversation," he explains.

Aaron just nods. "Thank you."

"You don't need to pretend with me," Derek says.

Aaron looks away, and Foyet's presence, usually contained to the self-deprecating voice in his head telling him he's no better than his father, seems to fill the room. They both know why he doesn't pretend anymore.

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"You don't need to say anything. I don't expect you to tell me the truth, because I wouldn't, if I was you. I'd be too terrified. But I remember what it was like seeing Spencer and Emily. So if you do want to talk, then I'm here. Always. And I won't flinch."

Aaron knows this to be true. When they finally got back to Quantico after Jason's death, Derek found him sobbing in the men's bathroom, the barriers he had spent so long piecing together completely breaking when he opened his drawer and found a photo from the early days, where Jason looked happy and hopeful. He hadn't said anything. Just sat beside him, and offered a tissue. 

"I know you won't."

Derek sighs, not sure what he's meant to do. "Aaron-" he starts, not sure what he's going to see next.

"I can't trust myself. I- I don't know what's real, and I keep trying to do the grounding things that the bureau therapist said I need to, but I don't know if they're working. I have post-it notes all over the apartment and I have my five facts, and I have things I can touch, but Scratch knew so much, I can't- I feel like he's everywhere and he knows everything."

It is so honestly vulnerable that Derek wants nothing more than to flee, if only so he can cling to the Aaron that existed when he first joined the unit for just one more moment. But he made a promise. And he has no idea how he's meant to keep it, but he's going to.

He holds his hand out. When Aaron doesn't take it, he leans over the desk, gently linking their fingers. "I'm here. With you. Scratch can't get our body temperatures perfect. He can't know that I'm always slightly warmer and you're always colder. He can't know that twelve years ago, I called you darling because I didn't realise it was you."

Aaron chuckles slightly. "Derek."

"You don't need to say anything. I messed up after Foyet. I won't do that again."

He shakes his head, finally meeting his eyes, and the fire in them is almost enough to convince Derek that everything is going to be fine. Almost.

"You did everything you could after Foyet. If you had tried to do more, I would have stopped you. We both know that. You did everything right, everything perfectly right and you cannot feel like you failed because you didn't. Do you understand me?"

Derek swallows. “Yes. But you need to understand that if you need anything- and I mean anything, whether it’s for me to take the reins for a bit, an unofficial firearms certification, or even just to do the grounding techniques with you, I will.”

Aaron nods. “I know Derek. I know. Thank you.”

Derek gives him the most convincing smile he can, leaving the door open because Aaron hated having it closed. As he exits. Dave steps in, and he sees as Aaron morphs back into Hotch to be the man that Dave needs him to be. It hurts to see, but he understands why it happens.

He doesn’t believe in God. He hasn’t for a while. But he needs to do something other than stare at dead bodies, so he prays that the team remain grounded for a few days. Not for too long because then Aaron will get suspicious and realise that Derek had been forging Rossi’s signature in order to transfer their out of state cases to other teams, but long enough for him to get settled once more.

Or as settled as he would ever be.

It’s probably why, only minutes after Dave leaves Hotch’s office, smiling, whilst the other man just looks exhausted, JJ comes rushing into the bullpen. There are five files in her arms, and she looks frantic. 

“No,” Derek says.

“I’m sorry, but we need to go on this one. It came directly to me. It’s- just look.”

He doesn’t want to, but as JJ goes to give the files to Dave and Aaron, he does, if only so he can gauge how much support he will need. And as he opens it, he understands exactly why they’re going on this case. Why, even if JJ had tried to hide it from Hotch, he would’ve said they had a duty.

They have four victims. All blonde women. All mothers. All divorced. Killed by a single gunshot to the head. No evidence of sexual assault, but they were held captive and tortured for three days before being dumped in their home. All found by their ex-husbands, who were only there to drop the child off.

Hotch does not show an ounce of humanity during the journey there. It terrifies Derek. Hotch only refuses to show how human he is when he’s close to falling apart. Too close for anyone to feel comfortable. Instead, he keeps his tone detached and professional. Derek pretends to not notice the way Aaron pushes down on his stomach, over the biggest scar Foyet left. Aaron pretends he doesn’t see Derek watching him.

When they get to the station, Derek knows it’s going to be a long case. Him and Reid are sent to the coroner’s office, whilst JJ and Kate are tasked with searching through their victims history. Which means Hotch and Rossi are left to interview the husbands. JJ and Derek- the most attuned to Hotch and the thought behind his actions- make a silent agreement that they will do whatever it takes to make sure Rossi doesn’t go too far. Whatever that means.

They fail because they don’t get the chance to speak to him before they leave the precinct.

And when they return, Dave is nowhere to be seen, and Aaron is sat in the conference room, clenching his jaw and hyper focused on the details in the case files.

“Did you get anything from the husbands?” JJ asks, tone gentle.

Hotch shakes his head. “They’re grieving, and terrified for their children. But they’re not guilty. They all loved their wives.”

Nobody bothers to point out all four couples were divorced.

"Where's Rossi?" Reid asks.

The tension in Aaron's shoulders increases.

"Hotch," Kate says, the only one that can.

"He accused one of the father's of committing the crime," Hotch says.

JJ and Morgan give each other identical looks. Kate looks horrified, and Spencer is stunned speechless.

"What happened after?" she prompts.

Hotch doesn't speak. Kate sighs, then leads JJ away. As she passes Spencer, she asks him to follow her because Hotch and Morgan need to speak alone. He nods and leaves without another word.

"Aaron," Derek says.

"I ended the interrogation and dragged him out of the room. And then I punched him in the face because those women remind me of Haley and those fathers remind me of myself and every accusation he made reminded me of the months after her death and I couldn't do it."

Derek wants to punch Dave himself. He must have known what he was doing, and in some strange and obscure way thought his actions would help the situation. Clearly he couldn't have been more wrong.

"You didn't cause Haley's death," he says, for lack of any other words.

"I did. Maybe I didn't put the gun to her head and pull the trigger, but I did cause it. That's not what I'm scared about though."

"What are you scared of then?" Derek asks, well aware that they're in the middle of a police station where anyone could hear them, but needing to take advantage of Aaron's vulnerability before he let his mask slip back into place.

"Scratch. I punched Dave and it felt like Scratch was laughing at me, egging me on to hurt him more. The worst part is that I almost did. Punching him felt good, and then I panicked and now I don't know- I don't know whether the only thing I did was punch him or if I did something more."

Derek curses under his breath. "How long have you been feeling like that?"

Hotch shrugs. "I couldn't- I forgot what time it was when I stumbled back here. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," he says, the words almost reflexive because of every apology Aaron has ever given him. "We just need to ground you."

He takes Aaron's hands, noting that the muscles are moving the way they should be. It's a small thing, but it's a good thing, because it means he's wearing the wrist support when he needs them and doing the physical therapy.

“Look at me,” he commands softly.

Aaron does so willingly. “Derek, we’re in a conference room.”

“That’s good. Can you give me four other facts that prove you’re here, in this moment with me?”

"My name is Aaron Hotchner. I am forty-four years old. We are in a police station. You are Derek Morgan. There is a door behind you and a window behind me- the window is locked, but the door is wide open. We can both see if someone walks in."

"Show off," Derek teases.

Aaron manages to smile slightly. “Thank you,” he whispers after a moment.

“You have nothing to thank me for,” Derek says. He means it.

This time, Aaron’s laugh is self-deprecating. “I’m a horrible person to look after.”

“Not to me you’re not. How do you feel now?”

He shrugs. “Better, I guess.”

“Drink some water. Slowly. I’ll go check on Dave.”

“Do you think he’s going to hate me?” Aaron asks.

“You’re the closest thing he has to a friend. Of course not,” Derek says. He keeps his tone light, but deep down he’s afraid that Dave will. Not forever, he could never do that, but for long enough that something else goes wrong.

He finds Dave in the bathroom. 

“Hotch told me what happened,” he says.

“And what? You’re here to tell me that I shouldn’t have pushed because he’s fragile and hurting? Did you tell him that he shouldn’t have fucking punched me in the face because of something I said to a suspect?”

“Those men were not suspects and you know that,” Derek snaps. He sighs. “I wasn’t coming here to tell you that you shouldn’t have pushed. I came to see whether or not you were okay.”

Dave raises an eyebrow. Derek sighs, again.

“He saw Scratch when he punched you. Now he’s worried. And he’s falling back into old patterns. I told him he didn’t kill Haley and not only did he not believe me, he flat out disagreed and said he did.”

“What do you want me to do?” Dave asks. He doesn’t sound angry, just tired. Derek wants to shout at him. He may be tired after this one event, but he’s not been the one picking up the pieces and gluing their fragile leader back together for the past few years. Dave doesn’t get to be tired. Not whilst Derek is still the only one able to do anything.

“I don’t know Dave. You’ve known him the longest. It was you that found him in the immediate aftermath. You took the gun from him- rather poetic given the last time an unsub targeted him, you told him to take yours- and got him to speak.”

Dave blinks a few times. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I thought being hard on him would bring him back, but I was wrong.”

“It’s okay. You just need to correct yourself now,” Derek says, for lack of any other words.

“I just want him to be the boy he was when he first joined the unit,” Dave whispers.

Derek did not know the boy his friend was then, but he does know the Aaron that existed before Boston. The Aaron that held a baby Jack in their arms like that one small child was enough to remove every piece of darkness to exist. The Aaron that had grabbed Haley’s hand and taken her dancing so they could spend a bit of time together.

"We all do. But he's gone now. The only thing we can do is try to save whatever pieces of him live in the Aaron that is sat in the conference room, beating himself up over something that was not his fault because of your misplaced comment," Derek says. They have a killer to catch. There's no time to entertain this.

"I know. Thank you. For doing what the rest of us are too afraid to," Dave replies. Derek shifts uncomfortably under the weight of his gaze. 

Something about the dynamic between the two men has changed, and everybody has noticed.

"Somebody has to," is all he can say, before he leaves Rossi to wash his hands and search for the man that had promised Aaron everything he could ever want, all those years ago when he first recruited him for the BAU.

There's an empty glass of water beside Hotch when Derek returns, and he's silently thankful that for once in his life, Aaron listened. He's deep in conversation with one of the police officers, so he refrains from making any comments, but when Aaron turns back towards the table, he goes over without a second thought.

He tells himself it's because he wants to know what happened just then. Because he wants to know whether or not they have any more information that can be used to their advantage. He tells himself it has nothing to do with the fact that learning about the case means he doesn't have to focus on the minute tremble of Hotch's hands. Doesn't have to see the hollow look in his eyes- a look of a man so defeated that he has no reason to try anymore.

The problem with being a profiler is that you rarely fall for anyone's bullshit- including your own.

“Did the officer have some additional information?” Derek asks.

Hotch hears him, obviously, but does not respond.

“Hotch,” he repeats.

“No. He didn’t. He wanted to know why you were holding my hands.”

Derek rolls his eyes. “And what did you say?”

“That ten days a man that managed to turn people that would never dare hurt another person into horrific killers drugged me, causing me to hallucinate the deaths of the same people that are solving his case for him, and as a result, I cannot always tell when things are real,” Aaron deadpans.

For a moment, Derek honestly can’t tell whether or not he’s joking. Then Aaron gives him the smallest smile, and he relaxes slightly. The last thing they need happening is officers spreading even more rumours about the types of cases the BAU work on.

He starts to reply with a joke of his own, then sees Aaron’s smile fade away like it was never there. He wonders how instinctive the action is- how many times was that little boy told he was too much, and how many times did he fade into the background like he didn’t even exist?

Without turning, he knows it’s Dave.

“I’m going to see if Spencer needs any help,” Derek says.

For a moment, it seems like Aaron is going to beg him to stay. But like most of his displays of humanity, it passes in a second, and then he simply nods, not even trying to fight.

“Aaron,” Dave says, walking over with purpose.

“Rossi don’t. Please,” Aaron pleads.

“What you did was stupid. But my actions were also uncalled for,” he says. It’s the closest he’ll ever get to a proper apology. Aaron accepts it because there’s not much else he can do. Dave pretends it’s going to fix everything because it’s the only thing that will get him through the case.

“Do you seriously think the fathers are to blame?” Hotch asks.

Rossi shakes his head. “Not anymore. I just needed to be sure.” He also needed to be sure that Aaron was fine, and given his response to Rossi’s accusation, he can’t say he’s convinced.

"Good," Aaron says, and the smile he gives Dave is so small and subtle, but so full of love, that for a single moment, the older profiler is able to convince himself that the fragile collection of skin and bones in front of him is still the hopeful boy that joined the unit. But then the moment passes and he's left feeling worse than before.

When the team come back, picking up on the cues that both Hotch and Rossi laid down, they go back to acting like nothing is wrong. Like the women in the photos are victims that deserve justice, and not the mirror of the same light they failed to save five years ago.

There are no breaks in the case, and they return to the hotel defeated and miserable. Budget problems mean they're doubling up. Part of Derek wants to switch rooms with Dave so he can keep an eye on Aaron, but the bigger part of him knows it would be a terrible idea, so he texts him saying that if he needs anything, no matter what time it is, he'll be available.

Aaron mouths the words thank you once he's read the message. Derek counts it as a win, and he tries to remain calm when Dave texts him saying that when he entered the shower- after Hotch- although the water dial was set to be normal, the water ran hot. Too hot.

He refrains from commenting the next morning, when Aaron clasps his glass of freezing water like a lifeline. In some ways, it is. And he knows what it's a sign of. He isn't sure whether it's caused by something in particular, or if he's just overwhelmed, but the hotel dining area- where Kate and Spencer would both hear- isn't the place to ask.

They get to the precinct, and it becomes clear that nobody there has slept. Another woman was found dead a few minutes before they got there. The father and son are sitting in the same conference room the BAU were working out of. For a moment, Aaron looks like he's going to kill the person that sent them there. The lead on the case quickly intercepts, saying they moved the boards and evidence files, and he relaxes slightly.

But before anyone can sleep, he removes his blazer and tie, before unbuttoning his top button and rolling his sleeves up. And then he walks into the conference room. Derek blinks, then it clicks. Aaron looks like a father. Someone both people sat in the room can trust. JJ hands him the information on the file, and his breathing stops for a moment.

The father and son could have been Aaron and Jack. If Aaron's eyes were darker and Jack's hair lighter, they would be the boys smiling in the photo provided with the file. He wants to take over the conversation Hotch must be having, but he finds himself rooted to the spot. How many cases are going to hit too close to home before Aaron gives up? Before it feels like every victim wears Haley's face? 

How many more times can Aaron Hotchner look into the darkest parts of humanity before his hands stop going cold at crime scenes and Derek Morgan needs to take his place in some weird parallel of the events that occurred after Boston? 

When the father and son leave the room, he jumps out of his chair and runs over.

"We will catch this man. And if you need anything, please don't hesitate to contact me," he hears Aaron say.

He sighs to himself.

The father shakes his hand and leaves, guiding his son with nothing more than a gentle hand to the back of his head. He sees Aaron swallow. 

"You know you can't promise things like that," he chastises, not truly meaning it.

"It wasn't a promise. It was a guarantee," Hotch snaps.

Morgan simply raises an eyebrow.

"I'm sorry."

"Want to tell me about it?"

"I told him about Haley, and how I found her. And about how Jack was just down the hallway in my office- the one place in our home that my work touched, even if he never found it- so now he can't be alone on New Years or Independence Day. I only said it because he told me I didn't understand what it was like. To have to do that."

No amount of surgery is ever going to fix the hole in Aaron's heart that Haley's death created. They could plant seeds of love and watch them blossom into flowers of acceptance and fearlessness in every other part of his body, but that one area could never be touched.

Derek knows this. He's seen it before.So he doesn't offer any words, because there are none. Instead, he takes Aaron's arm and he squeezes the elbow. It is Aaron's non-verbal method of saying thank you. So in that moment, it can also be his.

Aaron isn't entirely sure why Derek is thanking him, but he learnt long ago that when someone said something, you didn't push. You accepted their words- whether they were kind declarations of love or as sharp as knives- and you moved on.

When Derek lets go of him, he walks back over to the team, feeling slightly lighter and infinitely more grounded.

Kate tells him another woman had been taken, and the weight he thought he'd been able to let go off settles on his chest like a death threat. There is a single moment where she worries that this will be the thing that causes him to fall off the edge of the cliff he's been standing on for far too long, but then he stands up properly and it's like nothing ever happened.

He doesn't sleep, instead pouring over the case file whilst Rossi gently snores beside him. If Jason had been with the team. he would've somehow realised that Hotch was still awake, and told him to go to sleep. And Hotch would've obeyed. But Jason wasn't with the team. He was dead. And sometimes that knowledge knocked Aaron off guard, so he stopped focusing on that and started concentrating on the woman.

Their break comes the next morning.

Garcia hasn't slept either, and between the two of them, they have a name and a location. Everyone piles into the cars, vests on and weapons ready, because even though nobody had said it, there was no way this is ending without at least one shot being fired.

The door to the building is unlocked, and they have their unsub surrounded within seconds. Hotch suddenly feels like a bucket of ice has been poured over him, causing him to freeze, and the blood to start pounding in his ears. Nothing feels real to him. He tightens the grip on his gun.

His name is Aaron Hotchner.

He is forty-four years old.

He is holding a gun because he is on a case.

The unsub is holding a knife to a woman's throat.

The woman looks just like Haley- no. He cannot think that. Not now. 

"Let her go," JJ commands softly.

"No," their unsub says.

What is his name? And why can Aaron not remember his name?

"If you put that knife down, and let her go, we can tell the courts that you cooperated with us. That'll be nice, won't it?" Kate adds. Her tone is completely level. Calming in a way that it shouldn't be.

The unsub grins, then presses the knife even closer to his victim's throat. She lets out a terrified whimper and closes her eyes. He yanks her hair, forcing her to open then, and he seems pleased with himself.

"I don't care about the courts. I care about the man I'm doing all of this for. He's going to be great, and he's going to make me great too. Just you wait and see."

This wasn't part of the profile. There was never meant to be a more dominant partner. The control Aaron has been clinging to in order to get through this case is slowly slipping away with each piece of information he either cannot remember or is introduced to him. 

"He? Who is he?" Spencer asks.

The man cocks his head. "Is it not obvious?"

Spencer shakes his head. "We're not like you. We need you to explain."

He nicks the skin slightly. Blood pools at the tip of the blade. Another digression from the previous pattern. No knives were ever used to cut the skin. The kills had been quick and clean. Why was everything changing?"

"I won't."

"The only way you get out of this alive is if you explain everything to us. Because this man, he won't make you great. Whoever he is, he only cares about himself. Not you. Certainly not your life. But we care about you. Just set the knife down," Derek says.

Aaron knows he needs to contribute, but he just can't do it. His tongue is like a useless knot in his mouth that he can't undo because his brain is twisted too.

"No," the man says, bringing it dangerously close to the woman's pulse.

"Aaron!" Derek shouts. "You're the only one with a clear shot. You need to take it. Or do something. Do you hear me? You are the only one that can do this. If he moves that knife, take the shot."

Aaron turns in the sound of the voice. Derek is telling him that he needs to take the shot, and he can see why. With the way they're stood, he is the only one that can possibly avoid hitting either the woman or another team member. 

He raises his hands, ignoring how they tremble. Front sight. Trigger press. Follow through. Three steps that he has been following since his days at the Academy. Three steps that mean he has never missed. Never failed.

The man smirks.

Aaron turns to make sure nobody else will get hurt, or can take the shot. But when he looks at Derek, it's not Derek.

It's Peter Lewis.

"No," he whispers, but in the silence of the room, he may as well have shouted at the top of his voice.

He turns to look at the man, and he sees that he is about to shoot Derek Morgan. The one person that has never been afraid of him. The one man that is still good and undamaged by his hands. The one man that can and has led the team without any sort of assistance with him.

"Aaron!" Derek's voice exclaims, but he still wears Mr Scratch's face.

Aaron does not know what is real anymore, but he knows he needs to minimise the damage. The gun falls from his hands, with the safety off. It lands on the floor with a clatter that is too loud to his ears.

Their unsub laughs, once, and slits the woman's throat. She falls to the ground, dead by the time she hits the ground. Derek- real Derek, whose hands have always been warmer than his- fires his gun once. The unsub also falls to the ground with a shout.

Aaron closes his eyes.

He hears his name.

He tastes copper.

He touches his own hand, startled by the coldness.

He sees Derek's terrified face.

He smells sage.

He smells sage.

He smells sage. And then the world goes black.

When he comes round, he does not know where he is. He does not know where the team is. He cannot ground himself in the moment or come up with five facts that prove his surroundings are real. 

He opens his eyes. The team is gone.

And he is covered in blood.

[hawkinsschoolcounselor]

Okay. So I have a tough question. Considering you have a degree in Psychology. I wanted to ask you.

After everything our characters in ST went through and what they are still going through especially characters like Will, Mike and El. We are in the 80's where growing as a teenager must've been extremely diffucult (though one might say that every generation has a tough time growing up.). We are in a coming of age story very much centered around children and teenagers and whose audience is, for the most part, teenagers or young adults.

I really didn't know how to talk about it as this subject is a very sensitive one and I preferred to chose someone who is, to my knowledge, the most qualified in that field. Sorry if it adds a pressure on you, I really don't want you to have that but I wanted to take it safe as I know it is a difficult subject.

I have wanted the show to go back to it's more mature and raw elements.

Do you think there is a possibilty that Stranger Things might, in season 4 or later, explore the subject of suicide or suicidal tendencies ?

I am sorry, I know it is a tough question but since Stranger Things each season is touching more difficult themes each time. I'd figured that at some point a show like Stranger Things will have to talk about it. Of course it doesn't have to but it's the most logical thing for me. (Also Gaten in an interview said that the characters will deal with more mature subjects.) Especially since a lot of characters do a lot of self-sacrificing actions but it's never really touched upon except maybe Hopper and Billy.

Warning: This post contains discussion of suicide. This is a deep topic, but one worth discussing. I won't pretend to be some all-knowing expert on the topic of suicide, but, as a school counselor, it is something I have to be ready for. I am trained to spot the warning signs and to screen for the need for intervention. I've also personally grappled with this myself. I went through a period where I honestly felt like it was the only thing I could do.

I wish to start by speaking plainly and directly. If you have ever felt like you may wish to take your own life, or know someone who does, please get any available help.

Dealing with a topic like suicide on TV is an extremely delicate undertaking. It's noble to want to address a very real problem, but the last thing that needs to be done is for it to be romanticized. At the same time, it also can't be demonized. Real people grapple with this. It's a real danger to show heartfelt mourning after a suicide, as someone grappling with it may see it as a reason to go ahead with it. "Look how much people will miss me!" At the same time, treating it like some cardinal sin will only make people less likely to share suicidal thoughts with those who may be able to help.

I've written before that Will may consider suicide during the course of Stranger Things, so that’s who I will use for this hypothetical. It could just as easily be another character. The question is how can a fantastical sci-fi show like Stranger Things handle such a real life issue in an appropriate fashion?

I do feel like the show has so far done a very good job working reality into this sort of fantasy story. I can see it working out so long as they are careful to avoid either romanticizing or condemning it.

In my conceptualization, it will be a result of him discovering that he unknowingly created the Upside Down. Will would essentially blame himself for everything that has happened. To him, suicide would be the way to stop it all.

In real life, suicide has been found to have some common elements. I won’t go into an exhaustive list, but these commonalities include enduring psychological pain, looking for a solution to a problem (the solution being suicide), a desire to cease consciousness, and a sense of hopelessness or despair. Essentially, a psychologically tortured individual seeks a solution to their problems, and, since it seems so utterly hopeless, they decide that ending their life is the best solution. Granted, it gets a bit nuanced, but this is what it looks like from a general perspective. In most cases, it’s something an individual has put some thought into. Those thoughts are distorted, though, as an individual will almost tunnel visioned to the point that alternate solutions aren’t even considered, and it becomes more of a necessity than a desire to follow through with it.

In Stranger Things, it’s possible to map these same elements to the story being told. Many fans, such as myself, already see Stranger Things as using the sci-fi and horror elements of the show to illustrate psychological trauma. The threat of the Upside Down has steadily become more insidious and pervasive, growing from a solitary monster threatening the real world, to a possessed child commanding an army of monsters, to many townspeople being used as murderous puppets and parts of a grotesque amalgamation. It’s slowly taking over Hawkins, only ever being temporarily subdued until some new trauma brings it back worse than before. Suppressed trauma is manifesting as a consuming darkness (the Upside Down), which can be seen as a metaphor for depression. Imagine Will finding out it’s all connected to him, a result of him subconsciously trying to bottle up his trauma.

He already has the psychological pain, as it is (in my conceptualization) what’s manifesting all the supernatural horrors his family and friends have to deal with year and year. He’ll want a solution to it, and, in his moment of despair, will think that the only solution is to stop it at the source. Too many people have already died, and he’ll blame himself for all of them. He’ll decide that he needs to die in order to make it all go away. It’s not so much a desire as it is a necessity.

Now, I don’t think they’ll actually kill Will off. That would be an incredibly depressing ending, and it would more or less affirm that suicide is the only answer. I think he may attempt it, and it would take the love of his family and friends, as it always does, to save him. Ultimately, though, I feel it would be far more effective to use the narrative to show Will facing, accepting, and overcoming his past trauma. In doing so, Will would be able to end the threat of the Upside Down by making peace with it, with the help of his loved ones and professional treatment. 

In short, Will might see suicide as the only viable solution to an overwhelming darkness that just keeps getting worse. In the end, though, he’d be able to confront and make peace with that darkness, instead. How the Duffers would go about showing that is a better question for experienced writers.

I must have written and re-written this answer ten times. I’m still not overly thrilled with it, but I can’t keep stressing it. I hope it meets your expectations. This has been a touchy topic, and I tried to treat it with the seriousness it deserves. I hope the care I put into writing it comes across to those who read it.

If anyone out there reading this is currently facing their own darkness, please don’t try to bottle it up or take it on alone. It has a way of making you think you don’t have options, but you do. You just sometimes need other people to remind you of it and help you shine a light again.

[ejzah]

A/N: Here is another story about Deeks attending FLETC. A couple people had requested Deeks being somewhat known or famous for the Sidorov case. I already wrote one fic on that theme, but why not have more.

In some ways, this is highly indulgent on my part. There is mention of some vaguely graphic things given the subject matter. And some angst, as usual.

***

Request

“Marty Deeks!” Deeks paused in the middle of the hallway, turning to find Special Instructor Daniel Flores with his head sticking out of his office. Flores taught, among other things, a series of trainings dealing with mental health and the psychological aspects that came with law enforcement. Deeks already had a class on counseling victims with him the week before.

“Deeks, can I speak with you for a minute?” Flores asked, waiting expectantly.

“Uh, sure,” Deeks said, trying not to show his reluctance. He’d been hoping to grab some lunch before his next class, but he was still leery of rocking the boat too much. He was two weeks in and the last thing he needed was to piss off one of the instructors who seemed to like him.

He switched directions and jogged over to Flores, who was waiting just inside the doorway with his Sam-esque arms crossed over his chest. His gray hair was buzzed short, adding to the overall no nonsense attitude. From Deeks’ brief experience, he was tough but usually fair.

“Good afternoon, sir, what can I do for you?” Deeks asked politely. He could just imagine Kensi laughing her head off at his deference.

“Have a seat.” Flores gestured to one of the metal seats in front of his desk. He didn’t sit in the more comfortable looking desk chair, but instead stood in front of Deeks, scrutinizing him several long, uncomfortable moments. “You nervous?”

“Actually, I’m having flashbacks to being called down to the principal’s office.” Flores barked out a laugh at that, nodding in apparent appreciation.

“I like your sense of humor, Deeks,” he said. “Most of the kids in here are so tense they look like they’re about to have an aneurysm.”

“It probably helps that I’ve had some experience,” Deeks said with a shrug and Flores snorted loudly, leaning with his back against the front of his desk.

“Some? Kid, you worked on an NCIS team for what, 10-12 years? You probably could be teaching some of these classes.”

Deeks smiled a little. He tried to keep his connection with NCIS to himself as much as possible. Given the rules that were waived to get him into FLETC in the first place, it seemed in his best interest to try and keep a low profile. He never knew when someone who has a grudge against Hetty, him, or just their team in general might decide to act on those feelings. And he only had one shot at this.

“That’s right, Sir.” When Flores continued to look at him expectantly, he added, “I started out as a detective with the LAPD and then was brought in as a liaison between the two agencies.”

“That’s what I read,” Flores said, his expression speculative. “You were employed by LAPD until earlier this year when they cut your position due to restructuring.”

“You’ve been looking into my history?” Deeks asked, unable to keep the suspicion from his voice. In his experience, it was never a good thing when people started searching without due cause.

“Don’t look so worried, I’ve only heard good things about you. Well, there were an awful lot of comments about your hair, but that’s the least of my problems.” His eyes narrowed as he looked at Deeks with an expression he couldn’t identify. If he was pressed he might say it was something like respect. “I actually knew about you before you came here. It took me a minute to place you when I read your name in the lineup, but as soon as I saw you, I knew.”

“Knew what, Sir?” Instead of answering, Flores grabbed a booklet with the FLETC logo on it and flipped to a dog-eared page.

“Did you know that we use real-life cases for many of training scenarios?” he asked.

“Yes,” Deeks answered slowly not really following the non-sequitur. “I’m not sure where this is leading, Sir.” Flores handed him the book, nodding to the page he’d turned to.

“You’re featured in one of them.” Only years of practice and conditioning kept Deeks from flinching as he glanced down at the page.

There was a full color picture, in nauseating detail, of him post fun times with Sidorov and his drill. God, he’d forgotten about all the blood, how swollen his jaw was. His hand was halfway to his mouth before he caught himself and hastily dropped it to his knee.

He stared at the picture for several moments, the words surrounding the image blurring together. It must have been taken immediately after the paramedics arrived. He didn’t remember anyone having a camera. Then again, parts of that day were entirely missing from his memory, some horribly vivid and forever burned into his psyche.

His hand trembled a little as he flipped to the next page, which fortunately didn’t have any more pictures of him. Deeks caught the words “dental” and “trauma” and forced himself not to clench his jaw.

“I, uh, I had no idea I was so famous,” he muttered flatly. “Why are you showing me this?” Deeks finally glanced up at Flores, who looked sympathetic, but also strangely eager.

“I was already an instructor here when this happened. One of my buddies worked with your team on the case and I’ll never forget how he sounded when he described the torture you and Agent Hanna survived. He quit after that,” Flores explained. His tone was casual, almost conversational, and Deeks was suddenly angry.

“Well, I’m really enjoying this, but I have another class in 30 minutes and I haven’t eaten lunch yet.” Actually, he felt fairly nauseous, but he needed to leave before he embarrassed himself or said something he couldn’t take back. He tossed the booklet to Flores, not caring when it smacked against the desk and crumpled to the floor.

“Deeks, I didn’t do this to bring back bad memories for you,” Flores said, grabbing for his arm. Deeks jerked away before he made contact and he dropped his hand, seeming to realize the foolishness of the action.

“Then why did you? You had to know this wouldn’t go down well.”

“I started teaching this course about six years ago. I pushed to have this case, to have you, included as once of the studies. It is horrific. And that’s why I knew I needed to show it to incoming agents. Nothing is as effective at showing what is possible as cases like this.”

Deeks was still not happy with him, but he understood the point he was making.

“And this was the best way you could think of to break it to me?” he asked. Flores actually looked a little embarrassed at that.

“I’ve never had a student with your experience before and I wanted to make sure you weren’t thrown off guard in class,” he said.

“Yeah, you, uh, might want to work on your technique a little. Cause this leaves something to be desired.”

“Point taken.” Flores paused, seeming weirdly hesitant to add whatever else he wanted to say. “I also had an ulterior motive for showing you this.” He held up the wrinkled book. “Sometimes I have guest speakers present and if you’re up to it, I’d like you to talk about your experience with Siderov.”

Deeks stared at him in disbelief for a moment and then started laughing at the absurdity of it all.

“No offense, Sir, but most people try and keep me far away from any type of recruit,” Deeks said, figuring they were past the point of tiptoeing around each other. Flores had certainly crossed that line. “I think it’s something to do with the hair and a failure to properly respect authority figures”

“And I bet neither of those things mattered much when you were letting that guy drill holes in your mouth to protect a colleague,” Flores observed. This time Deeks didn’t wince, but he still didn’t appreciate the images bouncing around in his head.

“I was tied down with two guys holding my head and some kind of torture device-and I mean that literally-in my mouth. I wasn’t in a position to “let” anyone do anything.”

He saw Flores grimace, but he didn’t seem shocked by Deeks’ description.

“You could have talked. You could have given in, but you didn’t and I admire that.” He stepped forward, holding out his hand and Deeks shook it robotically. “I’ll give you a couple days to decide what you want to do. Either way, know that I respect you, Deeks.”

“Thank you, Sir,” Deeks muttered, shaking his head a final time before he escaped from the room.

***

A/N: I probably shouldn’t offer, but should I do another part?

[themattress]

OUAT AND ME: IN WONDERLAND

Story - Because this spin-off series only lasted for one season's worth of 13 episodes, its story is simply the Wonderland Saga and nothing else beyond that, which is for the best given that the story reaches far too complete an ending for anything beyond it to make any sense. The story is about Alice and what transpired after she returned from her original journey through Wonderland as a little girl, leading up to her romance with a young genie named Cyrus as a teenager, their tragic separation, her commitment to a mental institution, and her return to Wonderland in order to reunite with her lost love alongside her friend the Knave of Hearts, all while facing threats from the Red Queen and Jafar who seek to use Cyrus’ genie powers to break the laws of magic in order to accomplish their own secret goals.

The Wonderland Saga is as tight as tight can be, with one chief setting (Wonderland), a relatively small cast of characters, and a 4-episode beginning, 4-episode middle, and 5-episode end. Of course, this wouldn't matter if it wasn't an engaging story with enjoyable characters, but thankfully it very much is. This series is the brainchild of not just Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis, but also of Jane Espenson and Zack Estrin, and because of this fact combined with its limited length, it actually surpasses the original Once Upon a Time when you stack the two completed shows up against each other. Sometimes, less is more.

As I said, the story is divided into a clear-cut beginning, middle, and end. The beginning focuses on the early part of Alice and the Knave's journey and establishing who they are and what their deal is, while Jafar and the Red Queen's goals and motivations are kept enigmatic and Cyrus is trapped in a cage for the whole duration of the time. The middle lets Cyrus escape, sheds light on Jafar and the Red Queen's goals and motivations, and explores the darker sides of Alice and the Knave as we see just how badly their past traumas have affected them. And the end is all about the alliance of Alice, Cyrus, the Knave and the Red Queen as they fight Jafar and his new ally the Jabberwocky to decide the fate of Wonderland. It's here that all lingering questions are answered and all character arcs are fully completed.

As far as stories go, this is top tier OUAT. I think I like the Dark Curse and Neverland Sagas slightly more, but the Wonderland Saga comes in at an incredibly close third place.

Characters - There are less of them than in the main show, so this will be easy.

* We start with Alice, played by Sophie Lowe as a teenager and by pre-Stranger Things Millie Bobby Brown as a child. She is a wonderfully multi-faceted heroine, capable of great love and great hate, great kindness and great cruelty, great ingenuity and great gullibility, and always treading the line between holding to hope and giving into despair. While her romance with Cyrus is the focal point of the story, I love that it's not the only important aspect to her character. We also delve into her fractured relationship with her father; her initially unsteady but eventually rock solid friendship with Will; her hate, fear and distrust of Anastasia up until she finally sees the girl behind the queenly mask and how very much alike they truly are; and even her internal mental and emotional conflicts with herself on various matters that sometimes go external due to how Wonderland works. And no offense to Emma Swan, who is great in her prime, but I feel like Alice is ultimately the stronger and more likable lead.

* Cyrus really impresses me, because being the romantic male object of the heroine's attention and a guy who spends the entire first third of the story stuck in a cage, he could have very easily been a boring character. But very quickly, he shows that good looks and magic powers aren't all there is to him - this guy is smart. His cleverness and ingenuity that allows him to affect the plot even when inside his cage is something to behold, and he only gets better once he's free from his prison and gets to play off other characters with more frequency. Add to this a backstory where we see he used to be a selfish con artist, and it being his love for Alice that changed the selfish part while repurposing the con artist part for the cause of good, and you have a character you can enjoy and a couple you can root for.

* The show's breakout character, for better or for worse (no, it's definitely for worse, as we'll see in the next post) is the Knave of Hearts / Will Scarlet. Played excellently by Michael Socha, Will was formerly one of Robin Hood's Merry Men but is now an outlaw all to himself in Wonderland. He's sardonic and quippy, selfish and yet reliable at the same time, eerily muted in his emotions due to having his heart removed from his chest and yet clearly possessing deep feelings within his soul that occasionally bubble to the surface. We watch him go from an untrustworthy, cowardly cad who refuses to accept responsibility for anything to a brave and loyal friend who will sacrifice his own well-being for those he cares about. And his love story with Anastasia honestly steals the show from Alice and Cyrus', as it's full of betrayal and heartbreak and fights and truces and reconciliations before its happy ending, and that honestly feels more human than Alice and Cyrus' entirely plot-based separation.

* Speaking of the Red Queen / Anastasia, she is the female villain with a redemption arc that Regina (and Zelena, to a lesser extent) wishes she was. When she first appears, the Red Queen seems to be a chillingly calm and poised sociopath without moral scruples, but she quickly starts displaying vulnerability, and kudos must be given to Emma Rigby for conveying this through her amazing performance. Her cool, haughty face is like a mask, with more and more cracks beginning to show until we see who she really is - Anastasia, a peasant girl who was misled into a life that was full of power and privilege but that was also lonely and way over her capability to endure in the long run, and who desperately wants to take it all back and return to who she used to be. Once she realizes that she won't be getting the magic shortcut she seeks and that in the process of seeking it she'd wrought even more damage to Wonderland, Anastasia fully commits herself to doing better by everyone that she'd hurt. Even horrific torture, temporary death and mind control doesn't stop her from aiding in the cause to save Wonderland! She's amazing and more than earns her happy ending with Will.

* I could gush about Jafar, the Big Bad of the story, all day long. Jafar has always been my favorite Disney Villain, but he's the villain of an animated musical comedy, so I guess I've always had the question in the back of my mind as to what he'd be like if applied to something with a more serious tone? Well, this version of the character, played to chilling perfection by Naveen Andrews, answers that question. Stripped of most of his caricatured and humorous elements, Jafar is a psychotic, power-hungry madman who will stop at nothing to get what he desires. There is no-one he won't manipulate or torture or murder in his quest to become all-powerful. And the show also gives him a feasible, compelling and incredibly dark backstory (he's the bastard child of an Agrabahn sultan who rejected him to the point of trying to murder him) that explains why he is the way he is but is never used to excuse him or entertain the slightest notion that he might be redeemable.  This version of Jafar perfectly embodies what Roy Disney and Jeffrey Katzenberg said about the original: “Jafar is just pure evil. He wants to take over the kingdom and kill everybody in sight or enslave them, or whatever suits his fancy." "This is the guy that wants it all. You know right from the start that he is a desperate character, capable of doing anything and everything to get what he wants".

* The White Rabbit / Percy is a purely CGI character, and you'd fear that this wouldn't work, but the show embraces how cartoony he is and so it actually works perfectly. He's a very appealing character as well: very neurotic and cowardly, but also a family man whose heart is in the right place and who can be very brave when push comes to shove. A lot of his likability also comes from the fact that John Lithgow (yes, I'm surprised they were able to get him too!) does his voice, and I can't think of anyone else who could voice such a character better.

* In terms of side characters, we have many Wonderland staples reimagined for this show, such as the Cheshire Cat who is now a feral beast voiced by Keith David, the Caterpillar who is now a Jabba the Hutt-esque crime boss voiced by Iggy Pop (who sounds nothing like the voice from the main show, but I digress), Tweedledee and Tweedledum who are the Red Queen's manservants (one being undyingly loyal while the other is a spy for Jafar), the sleazy Red King who tempts Anastasia into becoming his bride, the Carpenter who is trapped in a drug-like haze in the Boro Grove, the White Knight who stands guard over an important pair of doorways, and the Jabberwocky, a monster in the form of a humanoid woman whose power is being able to see a person's greatest fear and use it to psychologically torture them.

There is also mention of Alice having met Jefferson the Mad Hatter when she was a child, and Cora the Queen of Hearts herself appears in the flashback that shows how she manipulated events so that Will became the Knave of Hearts and ensure that Anastasia remained the Red Queen, whom she taught magic and villainy to and treated like a daughter. Regina, Zelena, Anastasia...is there no young woman that Cora won’t attempt to ruin?

Other side characters from other realms include Alice's highly flawed yet ultimately repentant father Edwin, his bitch of a new wife Sarah and her precocious young daughter Millie, and the cold-hearted Dr. Lydgate all from Alice's Victorian world; Robin Hood, Maleficent (voice-over only) and Anastasia's mother Lady Tremaine all from the Enchanted Forest; Nyx the guardian of a sacred well, Cyrus' mother and Jafar's teacher Amara, Cyrus' brothers Taj and Rafi, and Jafar's father the Sultan and half-brother Mirza all from Agrabah. The Sultan, by the way, is a particularly interesting character, as he's introduced as Cyrus' kindly old cellmate and you really get to thinking of him as a good guy, only to then learn who he really is and just what an utterly horrible person he was in the past. His tale is a tragic one, as while he sincerely commits to repenting, it’s not good enough and thus he cannot escape fatal poetic justice.

And then there's one side character that just really gets my goat: Elizabeth aka the Lizard, a cute young thief who has a crush on Will. She appears in the 4th episode and doesn't really do much of anything, then disappears for a while. I thought maybe she was going to end up paired with that "Mr. Darcy" suitor of Alice's from her world and it was going to be a big Pride and Prejudice reference...but instead, she reappears in the 9th episode, becomes the now genified Will's master, and makes a wish that accidentally kills her in order to give Will man-pain. And then she isn't really spoken of again afterward. What was even the point of her!? You could cut all of her scenes and actions from this story and miss absolutely nothing!

Atmosphere - I would describe this show's atmosphere as light and dark, back to back. When it's light, it is much lighter than Once Upon a Time, being very whimsical and romantic and fluffy and hopeful to an even higher degree than its parent show at its best. However, this kind of lightness helps to make the dark elements come off as that much darker as a result. And while there's certainly some dark stuff where Alice in concerned, from an intended lobotomy in the premiere episode to the intense clashing she has with her father, and in the troubled pasts of Will and Anastasia, nothing comes close to the darkness of everything Jafar-related. It's a guarantee that he will do something horrible to someone at least once per episode, although it's usually more than once. The nature of his backstory as a bastard child whose father attempts to drown him plus the intensity of his depraved power-lust also make him a particularly dark character, as is his eventual partner, the terrifying Jabberwocky. Personally, I have always appreciated stories that can balance light and dark in this way and am able to handle both of them, so this show's atmosphere is very appealing to me.

Episode Quality - All I can say here is that there is only one dud in this series, and it's not hard to spot which episode it is. Like I said, while the beginning and middle portions of the show are 4 episodes each, the end is 5 episodes...and the first of those 5, "Nothing to Fear", is incredibly awkward and poorly executed. On top of being where the aforementioned death of the Lizard occurs, the plotline with Alice, Cyrus and Anastasia is also botched. Alice clinginess to Cyrus out of worry that he might become separated from her again and she wants to savor the time she has with him now doesn't really work in the context of needing to find where the freshly genified Will went ASAP, and it makes Alice look bad - Will went through "Bloody Hell" to help her reunite with Cyrus, and now that she's been reunited with him at the direct expense of Will, she doesn't give a fuck? She feels no urgent desire to pay her friend back and be as dedicated to helping him as he was to helping her? Also, the way she verbalizes her issues sounds too ripped off of Emma Swan from the similarly clumsy episode "The New Neverland", and what works for Emma doesn't really work for Alice.

Alice's distrust of Anastasia and dislike of working with her is also badly written, in literally every other episode the tense dynamic between these two has been handled with more care and nuance, but here Alice just comes off as a bratty child. Again, Will is missing and you need to find him quickly, so being able to put aside your differences with Anastasia maturely would go a long way in helping make that happen, Alice! Also, there's a sequence with angry peasants tying Anastasia, Alice and Cyrus to stakes to be eaten by nocturnal wolf-like creatures, and it's so thoroughly mishandled to the point of coming across as comical (Anastasia really can't fight back or escape her binding despite the skills we've seen her have before? Cyrus really thought an eloquent speech was going to instantly convince the peasants to do what he wants of them? The peasants act like they're righteous people who are getting justice against their oppressor and yet then tie two completely innocent people up for daring to go against the grain on the matter? And oh my God, those wolves look awful!)

The only good parts of the episode are the very last scene between Alice, Cyrus, Anastasia and (finally!) Will, plus all of the scenes with Jafar which lead up to the Jabberwocky's debut. Otherwise, this was a transitional episode that needed a lot of fine-tuning from its makers.

Overall - Once Upon a Time in Wonderland is now on Disney+, so if you have that streaming service and haven't watched it, please do so. It's a very well-made limited series that features a great story and great characters played by great actors, and is a definite part of OUAT in its prime. And again, when both completed shows are compared, this one wins hands-down.

[theravenclawlover]

Monster

Parings: James “Bucky” Barnes x Reader.

Warnings: +18 Mentions of torture, mature language, future smut, mentions of death, slight depression, mentions of kidnapping.  

Word Count: 2,390.

Summary: You are one of the youngest members of the Avengers, and you love it. Out of the blue an impossible mission is assigned to you alongside Natasha Romanoff, and it was sure to change your life. Lies, and betrayal from the closest people in your life; they never told you who you really were.

Chapter Number: 6.

Chapter Tittle: Another day, another mission.

A/N: Hi! OMG! It’s been a while since I last updated something, and this was just there on my laptop, so I decided to edit. My professors cancelled class a lot last week, so I had some time to edit. I mean, college is taking much of my time, so I feel like I needed this to relax. I appreciate that y’all are still here and keeping up. Thank you all so much! Also I wanted to add that if you have requests, do ask! I will gladly write them down, but do not expect them anytime soon! I still have a long queue of things to write. Well, enjoy!

A month had gone by since the afternoon you’d brought Bucky to face the whole team. The outcome of the meeting had gone differently from what you’d expected—which was a full-on fight before the Q & A. Once the elevator doors had opened, you and Bucky made way towards the big living room where everyone—conveniently—had decided to chill and chat. Unsurprisingly, Steve was the first one to notice Bucky and you. The chatter that had been going on, stopped the minute Steve quieted down and just seemed to have frozen on the spot he had been sitting on. Of course, Nat had asked him if he was alright, Tony threw in a joke to see if it would snap the Captain out of his daze, but it only made Steve snap out of his shock long enough for him to slowly stand up.  

“Steve, what’s wrong?” Nat sounded a bit worried now, so finally, she decided to look where he seemed to be staring at. Her eyes landed on you and then on the man next to you; she jolted from her spot and in less than a second her gun was out.  

“Nat, no!” Without a second thought, you stood in front of him, trying to cover him—which wasn’t protecting the other foot of his height. Of course, Nat’s panic made everyone in the room settle in a defensive stance at the sight of the man with the metal arm. Without moving from your spot, you looked up at Bucky and the poor man looked a tad worried. You thought it was because he hadn’t had the warmest of welcomes, but he was more worried that he might have to hurt someone if they attacked. Nevertheless, you grabbed one of his hands and gave it a nice squeeze, hoping that it would let him know that you would protect him at all costs. He relaxed and had to fight off the bashful smile that wanted to come out.   

“Y/n, would you like to explain why the Manchurian Candidate is standing behind you?” said a dumbfounded Tony who was standing next to the still gaping Captain America. 

“He’s here because he kind of turned himself in,” you said as you gave a bit of a shy smile.  

“He turned himself in?” the incredulous voice of Sam almost made you rolled your eyes. “Yes, we talked. He-” you stopped. What could you possibly say to calm them down? You knew that having one chat with a brainwashed ex-assassin wasn’t going to cut it, but again, it had only taken you one chat to believe him wholeheartedly.  

“He what, Y/n? Don’t tell me you honestly trust him?” Clint sounded a bit angry and that alone made you angry. 

“I do, I trust him,” you said angrily as he stared at the man behind you. “I know him, and he knows me.”  

That made everyone in the room flinch. You hadn’t addressed the elephant in the room since that eventful morning, everyone seemed to not care but their reaction was enough to project the obvious inability to forget the fact that, indeed, no one apart from Bucky, knew you.  

“Do you really believe that he’s here for a good reason and not because he wants to kill us all?” said Bruce as he looked at you in the eyes. His voice always soft to the ears, it was enough to help you calm down from your initial anger. “Yes, Bruce. He’s here because he wants me, us, to help him recover.” 

Silence filled the room for a couple of minutes before Steve took cautious steps towards where you and Bucky stood. One glance at you, and you knew what Steve wanted. So, with one last comforting squeeze to Bucky’s hand, you stepped out of the way and allowed the blonde super soldier to embrace the man that had known him before the serum that now runs through his veins. Steve held onto Bucky, and almost hesitantly, the brunette hugged back before truly embracing his loyal best friend.  

From that moment on, life in the tower changed for the benefit of everyone. Having Bucky around helped everyone to be occupied with individual tasks to help with his treatment and training. It had been hard to tell Fury how things had gone down with Bucky and stuff; Fury had almost shot Bucky once he saw him approaching the headquarters. The story was that you had decided to look at the room he had stayed before you and Natasha had been ordered to bring him in, and that having nothing to lose, you decided to look around the other abandoned buildings. You found him when he had just come back from getting some food for himself. Fury didn’t look convinced, but you had managed to get him in, so he took advantage of that. Time will reveal the truth, he’d thought. After all, it happened with you.  

Bucky had to undergo many tests to see the damage to his brain, to his body, and to his psychological health as the main possible source of his triggering. It wasn’t easy, at the beginning he looked terrified when he had been led to a white room with a Doctor by himself. He had asked you to accompany him, but the Doctor needed him alone. So, as much as your heart ached for him, the only way to make him feel secure was that you had waited outside the whole time. Once the results on his condition had been given to Fury, Bucky had been told that his programming had to deal with more than constant brainwashing, but there was nothing they could do if they didn’t know what was what triggering his programing. Besides that part of sour news, he’d been clear with everything else, so he was allowed to start training alongside you and the rest of the agents.  

Not soon after, Fury had told Tony to keep Bucky in the tower. He had reluctantly agreed, but almost shut it down again once Fury had told him that Bucky’s room must be near yours in case he goes rouge. At those news, you had had a hard time keeping down the massive blush that overcame your face. You knew Bucky and you acted as if the other couldn’t function without the other, but it was mostly because you had promise him that you would help him transition.  

After the first stages of Bucky’s transition, the team had fallen at ease with Bucky. You made sure of that, and whenever the air tensed by the mention of anything that could potentially make the Winter Soldier emerge, you were the first one to make sure Bucky was alright. But you never suffocated him with your fears of his relapse, you trusted him enough to tell you if he felt like slipping into those stages. The rest of the group tried to be comfortable, and they were doing great; until they weren’t. It did not matter how good his progress seemed to be going, because whenever Bucky would have a nightmare or an anxiety attack, they recoiled back to their defensive tactics.  

His nightmares were as regular as anyone can anticipate from a person with PTSD, so Fury had made Tony set up a sleep tracker in Bucky’s room. They had told you; they have to as you told Fury that everything involving Bucky must go through you before any final decision. The downside was that you couldn’t tell Bucky some things for the benefit of his recovery. And the sleep tracker in his room was one of those things. You knew that if he was aware of them, he would not sleep at ease. If anything, it would only add to his stress. But whenever he had nightmares, you would receive an alert on your phone—thanks to Tony—that way you could be aware of his distress.  

Those nights were always something that helped you understand the man better. The first night you barged into his room because he had woken up with a shout of you name, waking most of the team with a jolt. While your mind didn’t understand the situation, once inside his room, your instincts took over. Not sooner you saw him upright, breathing heavily, sweating, and at the verge of a panic attack, you were next to him clutching him. And as he tried to regain composure, your mouth open before you could stop yourself.  

“Помни, я всегда рядом,” you stopped rocking with him as soon as those words came out, ‘remember, I’m always next to you’. His body didn’t tense, but he stopped making any type of noise, even his soft sniffles had ceased.  

After a minute of quietness in the room, Bucky’s raspy voice broke the silence softly, “Я в порядке.”   

And that was the reassurance you needed to know he was truly okay. Since that night, the conversations, and the soothing words were all in Russian. It was the only times when the language was used. In other settings it was English. And that’s not changed since the very first day.  

 It was a Saturday morning, and like every Saturday you were working out. The only difference was that Steve had joined you. It was normal for the blonde super soldier to join in every other session. The two of you had gotten closer ever since the day Bucky had walked through the elevator doors. He never fails to thank you for bringing his best friend back. He’s always finding ways to somehow show his appreciation, no matter if you insist that it’s okay and that he doesn’t have to always be so willing to do any favor you may ask.  

Steve had proposed for a harder session, meaning he wanted for you to not hold back on your punches. And you, like the good friend you are, obliged. Within the hour of hardcore training, you had managed to win one round while Steve came out victorious for the other nine.  

By the end of it, you were heaving on the floor, practically in a pool of your own sweat. Steve was just lying down as he laughed at your soft curses. With shaky legs, you got up and grabbed your towel to try and dry off the sweat on your forehead when the doors opened breaking the tranquil ambience.  

“Hey you two!” Bucky greeted as his eyes landed on you and then on Steve. A small grin on his face as he approached Steve who still lied down on the mat. 

“Hey Buck!” 

“Hi!” you gave him a tired smile while Steve said his greeting with almost no hint of exhaustion.  

At the sound of your tired voice, Bucky raised an eyebrow as he set his stuff down near yours and Steve’s. Then he turned to look at Steve and you, “Just finished training?” 

"Yeah, we’re about to leave. I promised Y/n that I would take her out for breakfast if she beat me at least once. Gotta keep my promises," Steve said with a smile at you as he grabbed his bag and water bottle. 

"You better because I’m starving," you replied with the same smile as you got ready to leave. You knew Steve was now trying to keep you from sulking about Natasha and Clint as they were the ones who would normally be your breakfast buddies before everything happened. He had tried to be sneaky about it the first couple of times, but you caught up fast enough to understand. You hadn’t mention it to him, but you were grateful for it.  

"Oh,” Bucky raised an eyebrow before he started to make way towards the weight equipment. He set his water bottle down as he spoke, “Well, I’ll see you guys later."  

"See ya later, Buck." Steve and you replied. Steve lead the way out as you peered back to look at the brunette. And with a single thought in your head, you walked out of there with Steve. 

°°°°° 

 "So how are things with you and Bucky?"  

After taking a needed shower, Steve had taken you to his favorite diner. A change of scenery he’d said. It was only fair as he normally went to the one you liked. The diner was small but it felt comforting. The food was good, and even though you had just come from working out, no one could stop you from ordering a side of French fries. You regret nothing.  

"Mhm? What do you mean?" You felt a little weird at the question. You shouldn’t, but the fact that he had asked after Bucky had acted weird back the training room, it made you almost flinch at the implications. 

“Oh, come on, Y/n. The ‘I’ll see you guys later’ from Bucky was off. It's like you forget I know how he gets when he is jealous, and that was his I’ll-pretend-and-I'm-cool-with-what-just-happened-while-I-sulk-alone-in-my-misery voice,” Steve was grinning like he had caught you off guard and was now rejoicing in the results.  

You were staring at him with wide eyes. And Steve took that as a sign that he was right in guessing that he’d caught you off guard. “Doll, none of us is blind. The two of you are always together, whispering to each other, and looking at each other with gleaming eyes. If I, the oblivious of us all, can see it, we all can.” 

"Look, It’s not like that. We are not dating or anything,” you said as blush dusted your cheeks. “We are just close because, I mean, we have some share experiences. We kind of just trust each other in this weird, comforting way. But that’s it! We are friends."  

Steve huffed a laugh and was about to say something when his phone started ringing in his pocket. Grabbing and looking at the caller, he glanced at you before he accepted the call.  

"Rogers.... She’s here.... Okay…. Yes…. Got it. We'll be there." 

As you looked at him putting his phone down and grabbing his wallet, you asked, “who was that?” 

"Fury. Last minute mission. Sam, Wanda, Vision, Bucky, you, and me.” He put the money down next to his unfished coffee as he got up. “Let’s go.” 

“And here I thought it was going to be a quiet day for me.” 

Tag List:

@cnco-ravenclaw-46  @musiclover812  @boredtotearz100  @john-benderr  @clockworkherondale

[silverhczel]

( emilia clarke, 29, female, she/her, nephilim, templar ) It’s been a while since we’ve seen HAZEL WARREN. I hear they’re a NEPHILIM, and they reside on the WESTSIDE. They’re known to frequent THE WINGED CHALICE (when they’re not busy with TRAINING) and have made a place at 12 LUKE COTTAGE. Some may say they act ARROGANT & HASTY, while others claim they are COMPASSIONATE & DEVOTED. With that being said, they’ve found the State of Calamity.

BIO

hazel was born into a wealthy family in london, her mother was the daughter of a successful businessman who also had a good share of inherited wealth and they longed for nothing. when her mother was twenty, she almost took the path to ruin after living a life dictated by god and focused on the purity of morals. In order to stop the corruption of her soul, after a fling with her ex-boyfriend she became pregnant, unaware the child in her womb had been touched by an angel. the pregnancy made her see the light of the righteous path and she gave birth to a daughter with silver hair, unaware of how her daughter really came to be. hazel’s childhood was wealthy and happy, she was adored by her mother and grandparents. as she grew older, she started to notice how some things were not right, she could not understand why her family had so much and others so little, or why some people were so cruel and corrupt. when she discovered her own grandfather was a ruthless businessman using questionable tactics and exploiting those with much less, she started fighting against her lifestyle. she refrained from buying expensive things and clothes, she started giving to charity and volunteering her time, she tried to change her grandfather’s mind, but it was all in vain. at the age of eighteen, she left her home and cut ties to her family who she saw as corrupt and uncaring. sometimes hazel felt confused why she seemed to feel so strongly about what was wrong and right when most people did not seem to care much, they spoke of greyzones, but hazel saw everything in black and white, either something was good or neutral — or it was evil. 

one morning a few days after her nineteen birthday, she woke up a new person. finally hazel understood her purpose, why she was wired the way she was and she knew where she needed to go. she packed what few belongings she owned and headed to silver city, hazel quickly found a place among her own kind and it became clear that the life of a templar was right for her. she found meaning in fighting for the light and destroying the darkness wherever she could. she was quick and strong, she took training very seriously, often the first there and the last to leave. as she developed her skill as a fighter, she began to purge the city from evil and sin as much she could. she went after lesser dark creatures who tortured or killed humans or those of her own kind, she earned herself the nickname ‘the vigilante’ as she acted on her own. hazel has made many enemies, but she believes her true purpose in life is to defeat evil wherever she sees it. whenever she is not training or dealing justice, she enjoys playing the harp, diving into books about philosophy and psychology. she is a master archer and takes pride in horning her skills.   

tl;dr: hazel was born into wealth and privilege to a mother that almost strayed from the righteous path, despite her odd appearance with natural silver hair, she grew up happy until she started questioning why she had so much and others so little. after uncovering corruption in her family, she fled her family home. at the age of nineteen, she became enlightened and journeyed to the silver city to join those of her own kind. hazel quickly discovered the warrior lifestyle was for her and she became a templar, she has begun dealing her own justice as she travels through the city, destroying lesser evil creatures as she comes into contact with them. she is known as the vigilante.

RELIGION 

hazel believes in one god, a deity simply referred to as god, but she assumes no gender nor does she believe any of the mortal scriptures are actually connected to god. she believes in living a life almost stripped of sin as dictated by the seven deadly sins, those she believes comes directly from god. with age, she has begun to see the zones of grey she did not before, but she is still steadfast in her belief that a near sinless life is the only true way to live. she believes in the forgiving nature of god and will try to save others, but if they cross the line into the territory of evil, she will know there is nothing more to be done and will seek to destroy instead.

EXTRA

myers briggs personality: the defender (isfj)

alignment: lawful good

hogwarts house: a hufflepuff & gryffindor mix

sun sign: capricorn 

ennegram: six ‘the loyalist’

FACTS/HEADCANONS

her natural silver hair is unusual, it can be mistaken for platinum blonde but there are undertones of silver in it, sometimes she will wear a brunette wig if she wants to blend in

hazel speaks with a faint posh british accent but never tells anyone where she is from exactly due to her mother still being alive 

she is a health nut that refuses to partake in any unhealthy vices

she is always well-armed but does not engage in fights unless she believes there to be a righteous and just reason for doing so

hazel is known as one of the most loyal templars, she is very protective of the silver city and its inhabitants 

she is sometimes referred to as ‘the vigilante’ 

OPEN PLOTS/CONNECTIONS

feel free to message me on discord about any of these connections! i’m open to plotting about anything, so if you have an idea that’s not on here, please message me anyway and we can have a chat <3

an old friend: someone she has known since arriving in the city (they could still be friends or it could have been a human/light friend turned bad/dark) 

her right-hand: someone who is loyal to her and loyal to fighting for light and justice (does not necessarily have to be angelic)

an unusual friendship: a bond between her and someone who you would not think could be friend with an angelic (must not be too bad or too dark as hazel would not befriend someone who regularly kills or tortures for fun) 

foes: dark creatures (especially vampires, demons and the fallen) that she has been fighting for years

[purple-scarf-mistress]

Dark Truths

A Criminal Minds FanFic.

Chapter 5

Summary: Jamie has been missing for a year, subjected to horrible torture. Her friends/team/family aka the BAU team scramble to find her. Once she is found it will be a challenge to help her get back to her normal life.

Master List (Multi Chapter)

Pairing:  ReidxJamie (OC)

Warnings: This story is explicit and deals with s*xual assault and psychological torture. I will add notes for where to skip and pick back up to for those who want to read this but avoid the warning content as best I can.

There are two flashback chapters before this one that can be read on AO3 or Fanfiction.net. They are explicit flashbacks of Jamie’s first days after being taken. Due to the nature I decided to keep them off tumblr. You do not need to read them to follow the story though.

The plane shook as it touched down, scaring Jamie awake. She was used to being scared and not making a sound or a movement. 

Spencer noticed her muscles tighten in preparation for fight or flight, or perhaps an incoming blow. “Jamie? Jamie, Sweetheart, it’s okay. We are back in Virginia alright?” He scooped her up carrying her off the plane. “I am going to take you home, okay?” 

Jamie didn't answer, instead she looked around as Reid carried her from the plane to the SUV. She thought she would never see this stupid ariport again. This airport that always carried them to the darkest places of someone's life, but she loved that it meant she was going to help someone. She just never appreciated the tarmac itself until this moment. 

Morgan opened the door for him and Spencer set her in the car gently, buckling her into the seat. She felt like everything was in slow motion. Reid got in next to her letting her rest on him once more. He actually wondered if he needed to be holding her more than she needed to be held by him. 

“Hey Kid, we're going with you. First shift.” Morgan's voice was affirmative leaving Reid no room for arguments 

It took them about 30 minutes to get to Reid's apartment and inside. Ried watched Jamie in his arms as they brought her inside.

“S-Star Trek... “ she mumbled to herself remembering the last time she was over with Reid and what they had been watching.

“Yea, we watched that before,” Spencer cleared his throat, “the last time you came to visit.” 

Jamie nodded remembering. She felt safer, but the more and more safe she felt the more worried she was that this could all be ripped away again. 

JJ walked in with Morgan watching Spencer set Jamie down on his couch. 

“I think we should get her some food. Maybe a hot bath? Lots of rest.” JJ said concerned. 

“I hear that. We should all eat. I’ll take care of it” Morgan stepped into the hallway of the apartment calling up his favorite late night eatery. 

JJ slowly walked over, kneeling down next to her friends, “Jamie, do you want to take a bath? Or anything?” 

Jamie looked quickly to Spencer for guidance. Not sure how to answer, “Sweetheart, it’s your call, if you want to we can set it up for you.” 

Jamie's mind raced. Showers had not been a particularly good experience she reached her hand up to rub her neck, the bruises from the choke collar the night before clearly visible around her skin.

“Y-Yes?” She said nervously. 

JJ nodded, going to get the cast wrap to protect Jamie's leg. Reid got up and went to his bathroom running warm water into the tub. Jamie sat there watching her friends fuss over her. She wasn't sure what to do. 

Morgan came back inside and stayed out of the way. He was worried too many people swirling around Jamie would set her off. He watched as Reid carried Jamie into the bathroom in his room and JJ followed behind him. He sat her on the counter, and nodded to JJ. 

“I’m going to let JJ help you okay? I will be right outside.” Spencer brushed a strand of hair from her face tucking it behind her ear. 

Jamie didn’t want him to go. She was worried he would go and she wouldn't see him again but she didn’t say anything. She didn’t respond. She watched him walk out the door. 

JJ gently walked over to Jamie, “Do you need help getting out of these clothes?” 

Jamie nodded, letting JJ help her out of them and get into the tub. Placing her leg on the edge. 

“There we go. Water okay?” 

Jamie nodded. She was glad JJ was here. Over the last year men had hurt her in the shower, she didn’t think JJ would, she really didn’t think Spencer would either.  JJ nodded, “I’ll be right outside the door. Call if you need anything” 

Jamie nodded watching her go before starting to wash up. Her mind felt all over the place. She wanted desperately to be the happy woman she had been before all this happened but she didn’t even know if that girl existed inside her anymore. She was more scared than brave, more sad than happy, more confused than certain. She was nothing like her old self. 

She looked at her body as she washed herself, looking over the marks on her skin, some scars some healing. Her mind went blank wanting to avoid all the memories, her body felt numb too. She sat there. Staring at the facet. 

Part of her mind tried to objectively diagnose her. Much like Reid she was a genius, her mind a trap for memories, it was easier to fracture her thinking and internally talk to herself as a different person to overcome all this. 

PTSD - most likely, acute stress disorder - probably. Stockholm syndrome? Not showing signs of yet. Please don’t get that one Jamie. Great, you're talking to yourself. Fragmentation/ dissociation of thoughts, Check. Diagnosing yourself. We’ve lost it. Doctorates and all - you’ve gone off the deep end haven't you. 

Her mind was like several voices but all of them were here. The part of her that was hopeful, the numb, and the part of her that believed Quinn. 

Jamie didn’t hear JJ knocking on the door. She only saw her when JJ sat right next to her on the tub edge. “Can I wash your hair for you Jamie?” 

She nodded blankly, not really processing what she asked. She felt JJ tilt her head back, a cup full of warm water was poured over her careful to not get on her face. Then came the gentle massage of finger rubbing shampoo in her hair. 

You can’t even take care of yourself now. Can’t make decisions, or answer questions. You're absolutely useless, it’s only a matter of time before they realize it. Stop Stop, you know what this is Jamie, its just the trauma. You know this. Stupid. 

 As JJ rinsed the shampoo out of Jamie’s hair she saw the tears start falling down her cheeks. 

“We’re all done Jamie, ”  JJ pulled the drain, “shhh it’s alright” she got a  towel ready to cover her once the water was gone. Jamie didn’t respond, she didn't realize that she was shivering now that the warm water was gone. 

Jamie looked up seeing Reid kneeling next to the tub not sure when he got there. He quickly scooped her up keeping the towel wrapped snugly around her tiny body. 

He rocked her in his arms, “I’ve got ya, shhh it’s okay” 

Why are you crying?! Do you even know! Stop, stop it right now before they realize they should have never come back for you. Reid wouldn’t ever think that… would he? 

Spencer paced back and forth in his room rocking Jamie in his arms. He watched her face intently waiting for her to break out of her thoughts and be present. 

“S-Sorry,” Jamie said at a volume that was barely audible. 

“Nothing to be sorry for Jamie,” he sat her down gently on the edge of his bed and grabbed his CalTech hoodie from his dresser. He had let her borrow it a couple of times when they were on a case or hanging out. He loved it when she wore it because she looked so cute swallowed up in his clothes. Jamie being 5 foot 4 inches and him standing just over 6 feet, and also because then it smelled like her light perfume. 

“I think this will be comfortable for you to wear until we get some more clothes,” helping her into it gently than grabbing a pair of his pajama bottoms. He slid the pants over her cast and helped her stand enough to slip them all the way on. They were way too long even with the legs folded up.  

“Morgan ordered dinner. Hungry?” Spencer smiled seeing the small nod carrying her out of the bedroom. 

She glanced over at Morgan, it was the first time she had really looked at anyone besides Reid’s face. His face was so serious, like he was worried and angry - his im going to solve this case face. It quickly softened when he realized she was looking at him. 

“Hey Little Red” he smiled. Morgan always had a nickname for her related to her fiery red hair. 

“H-Hi” She smiled before looking at Reid to make sure that was okay. 

Reid was aware she was deferring to him and didn’t want her to feel like he controlled her. He sat her down at the table sitting close to her, “Jamie, you can do and say whatever you want okay? You don’t need permission. Not from me, not from anyone. Okay?” 

“S-s-sorry… I I will try to do b-better” 

“Oh sweetheart that- that's not what I meant.” Reid took a deep breath then grabbed the chicken soup Morgan ordered for Jamie and brought it closer to her.

You're not allowed to eat at a table, remember. This is a trick. No it’s not, Spence hasn’t done anything to make it seem like this is a trick. 

Reid frowned, picked up the spoon and took a bite of the soup, “ it's safe to eat Jamie. See?” She nodded but still didn’t know what to do. 

JJ and Morgan looked at each other than at Reid not sure what to do next. 

“You must be hungry Jamie,” JJ said softly. 

Morgan saw the confused look on the small woman's face, “What is it little red?” 

Jamie swallowed, not sure what to do, she decided answering him was the best bet, “I’m not allowed to eat until everyone else is done, and I am really not allowed to eat at the table, “She said quickly, looking down to the floor. 

“Those rules don't matter anymore” Morgan was furious not at Jamie but at the people who had taught her that. 

“What Morgan means is that it was good that you followed the rules. You did what you had to to survive so we could find you and bring you home. But now that you are home you can make your own rules, like you can eat at the table, or on the couch or in bed. Where do you want to eat?” Spencer asked, wanting to see if she had a preference. 

“H-here is good.” Jamie picked up the spoon and took her first bite. She kept her head down eating in silence for a while. She didn’t eat much but it was more than she had eaten in weeks. 

Jamie was exhausted. She could feel her body starting to withdraw from the drugs. She didn’t want to live that nightmare but she was going to have too. If anyone knew what that was like it was Spencer. She started to fall asleep sitting there as her mind thought through what she knew of withdrawal. 

JJ carefully moved the bowl of food away from Jamie so she wouldn't fall face first into it. Reid gently picked her up, “Let's get you to bed sweetheart.”

He carried her into his room laying her down on the bed. Jamie warped her arms around Reids neck, “D-Don't leave me. P-Please?”

“Are you okay if I lay down in the bed with you?” 

“Y-yes” 

“Okay, but you tell me if you want me to get out okay? Any time.” 

She nodded, wrapping her arms tight around his neck. “K-Keep the light on too?” 

“I am scared of the dark too, Jamie, I’ll keep it on for the both of us,” He pet her hair gently hoping she would fall asleep feeling safe. Once she was asleep he grabbed his phone and texted the other two that he wouldn’t be out for a while and to put his food in the fridge for later. 

He pet her hair over and over again, hoping that she would know she was safe in her dreams. Only he wasn't only doing it for her, he needed to remind himself that she was really here with him. His eyes began to water as he realized he had the love of his life back home safe.  

Jamie startled awake from her nightmare only to see Spencer laying next to her asleep with his arms wrapped snugly around her. She felt the tears fall down her face as she griped Spencers shirt in her hand weekly not wanting to let go of him for fear that this could all get ripped away from her. 

Her stomach felt awful. Her head hurt. Her body was weak and the worst of the withdrawal symptoms had yet to come but nothing was worse than the idea that this could get taken away from her again. Her chest heaved as she choked out another sob. She felt the slender arms around her body pull her closer and begin to cradle her. 

“It’s okay Jamie, Go ahead and cry. It will make you feel better if you let it all out.” Spencer’s voice was raspy as he woke up. She had every right to cry for days on end if she wanted too, but he also knew that crying was a withdrawal symptom as well. 

She couldn’t stop crying. Her sobs became more forceful and louder. Her head throbbed with her heart beat and her stomach had taken to doing back flips. She tried to focus on the soft circles being rubbed onto her back and the gentle rocking side to side distract her from the fear, from the memories, from the sickness she felt in her body. 

Hey eyes finally stopped dropping tears down her face and her breathing slowed. She felt like she had been crying for an eternity. Spence’s t-shirt was soaked through where she had her face pressed against him. 

She swallowed hard, “I-Im Sorry.” 

“Don’t be sweetheart.” he petted her hair gently, looking up when his door pushed open more seeing JJ peak her head in. 

“I brought you some water. Thirsty?” JJ asked gently, holding the glass out to her. 

Jamie took it in both hands nodding and took a sip. She kept sipping slowly until all the water was gone. Handing the cup back to JJ. “Thanks” 

“Is there anything I can get you sweetheart?” 

Why did he have to ask that. YES! Get me a shot! Please. You can beat this you do not need a shot. You do not need to be high. Yes we do! Yes I would do anything Quinn asked right now for it, and you know you would too. 

“Drugs” Jamie blurted out impulsively, eyes widening that she actually said that. 

JJ and Spencer shared a concerned look, not sure what to say. 

“Jamie, I know how hard this is but you don’t want that. I know you don’t” Spencer said calmly 

Oh so now he knows what we want? What I want?! Who does he think he is. SHUT UP! He is taking care of us and I am a handful enough as it is! Don’t ruin this or we will have to go back to Quinn. We would get drugs then so thats a bonus. 

“Jamie, you need to calm down. You are hyperventilating.” Spencer watched her chest rise and fall in rapid desperate heaves. 

“I can’t breathe.” Jamie sputtered. “I don't, I don't know what's, what’s wrong with me!” “Nothing is wrong with you Jamie,” JJ said soothingly kneeling down by the bed. 

Liar. 

Jamie saw the room start spinning, she felt like her body was floating, until she felt the hardness of Reids chest pressed up against her back. She didn’t realize he had moved them to a chair. 

“Jamie, sweetheart, try to match my breaths okay? Nice and slow. You are safe, and you have a family to help you through this. Just breathe.” Spencer kept his voice low and even, he took long deep breaths and paid close attention to hers. He watched as her breathing started to slow little by little. 

“That’s it Jamie.” Reid took her wrist gently in his grasp, finding her pulse. Still high but slowing down as her breathing stabilized. “I’ve got you. You are safe. Just focus on my breathing okay?” Jamie nodded her head slowly. She still felt light headed resting her head back against him, eyes shut gently. . 

Morgan stepped into the room quietly. 

Spencer gently mouthed a “shhh” so Morgan knew to be quiet and not startle her. He took a place in front of Reid’s dresser,  standing still and watching Jamie slowly calm down. JJ looked worried. She had no idea what sent Jamie into a panic and the fact she had asked for drugs showed her how difficult a healing process would be. She wondered if they could really pull her though this. 

Once Jamie had calmed down again she felt embarrassed. She truly didn’t want to feel anymore. Every inch of her being felt like a raw nerve. “Want to watch a movie Jamie? We can move to the couch and put something on that you love and you can watch or sleep? Does that sound nice?” Spencer asked gently petting her hair smiling softly at the slow gentle nod against his chest. He carried her gently to his living room sitting her down on the couch next to him. “What do you....” he saw her face panic at the idea of having to choose, “I think we should watch Tangled. I know how much you love that movie and it’s super cute.” 

Jamie nodded smiling slightly. She had forgotten all about the things she liked and  It was nice to be reminded by someone who clearly noticed. 

Spencer clicked it on and looked over at Morgan and JJ who just looked exhausted and out of place not really having much to do, “Go home you two. I know you guys all insisted but I will call if we need anything for the rest of the night, and you can stop in again tomorrow.” Morgan shook his head no, but then thought about it, “Spencer. I mean it. You call if you need anything.” “I know I know” said the genius as he rolled his eyes slightly. 

JJ looked at Jamie worried about her feeling uncomfortable without another woman around but knew that she clearly felt the safest with Spencer. It was so plain the way she clinged to him like he was her life line. 

“Alright, goodnight Jamie, night Spencer,” the other agents made their way out of the apartment. 

Spencer looked down at the red headed girl watching the screen, eyes drooping slightly, snuggled up to him with her head pressed right against his heart. He kept his arms around her as they watched the movie in silence.

Jamie felt so drained by everything. She could feel herself falling asleep but she didn't want to. She fought it so hard. 

Spencer watched her eyes shut and then snap back open and repeat. He adjusted the way he was sitting careful not to disturb her too much and rested his head gently on top of hers.

When her breathing deepened and her eyes no longer forced their way open he couldn't help but say what he had wished he had said a long time ago. Barely anova a whisper in the dark quiet living room Spencer whispered, “I love you Jamie.”  He drifted off to sleep again with her in his arms. 

Quinn paced the floor of the apartment he was in. She had been out of his grasp for far too long while they laid low and waited for the Boss’ orders. He was scheming how he would take her again and how exactly he would make her suffer for her poor decision of going with them. He hoped he planted enough distrust in her team members, the main one being her stupid “adopted” father. He smiled remembering how she would call out for him to save her and the stroke of pure evil that had ensued when he told her he was the one behind all this. From that point on anyone he talked to on the phone about her he referred to as Hotch, it was great when he knew he was talking to her biological dad, and would tell him about how she begged for him knowing full well what he was doing to her. He wanted to make her so broken and so afraid that she would struggle to find the life she once knew even if she was able to return to it. 

“I am tired of waiting. I want my pet back” her grumbled to himself looking out the window at the dark sky of DC. 

~Can also be read on AO3 and Fanfic by anonymouslymine ~

[cobythinks]

‘Might As Well’ AU

HEYY so I this is a bullet-fic kinda thing for an AU I’ve created, and unlike my other AUs I’m not going to make a story for it and if I write anything it’ll all be one-shots of certain bits. It's mainly Roloceit with like tiny bits of Moxiety as well.

Feel free to send in asks or request one-shots for this AU! I’m very happy abt it and I loved writing this so any questions for the characters or requests for scenes would be amazing!!!

Most of it under the cut because... I got carried away and it's very long

Roman Guerra is a YouTuber/actor

Horace (Dee) McMullin is a drama teacher

Logan Wright is a science teacher at the same school that Dee works at

Roman and Dee are roommates, and though their relationship has progressed FAR past what anyone would call a friendship, they really don’t care enough to label it or even talk about what they are to each other. They both know they care about the other, and that’s all that really matters.

Roman also tends to rant in Spanish when he gets passionate, and Dee responds by saying the names of ‘Mexican food’ as a reply.

Roman: *talks in spanish*

Dee: *nods* burrito. Quesadilla. Mama Mia.

Roman: that’s not even a food, shut up.

Logan meets Dee through work, obviously, and they quickly become friends

Something about the tall, dramatic, elegant man just drives Logan insane because he’s a little shit once you get to know him and it makes no SENSE

The adorable little science teacher shouldn’t scare Dee as much as he does, but he can’t help it. Something about the way Logan is always composed makes Dee feel like he’s a serial killer or something.

Despite this, they become friends when they discover they both have a passion for psychology and have long discussions about it during lunch and when they hang out on weekends

Dee - as much as he hates it - starts to fall hopelessly in love with the other teacher. He can’t help it, just like he couldn't help but to fall in love with Roman a year and a half earlier when they met. 

Not that he’d told Roman that yet, god no. They’d both dated other people on and off while knowing each other, even if they did end up fucking after every breakup and swearing to each other they were done with the whole relationship thing. 

Roman always found someone else to sweep off their feet, and Dee always found himself hopelessly pining for someone else to make the first move

So, that’s what was happening here, and it was torture.

Logan wasn’t much better, furious that this dramatic drama teacher of all people made him feel so flustered and confused.

Then the day came that Dee brought Logan over for dinner, and he met Roman

Roman greeted him dramatically, filling the entire apartment with his electric energy as he spoke.

Oh god, there’s two of them. Logan realized in terror as the two bickered playfully back and forth, eventually challenging each other to a duel despite the fact they had a guest over.

And like most of their duels, Roman ended up kissing Dee

“Oh,” Logan said, feeling like a complete idiot

“Fuck,” Dee said, realizing that Logan now had the wrong idea

“Maybe later,” Roman said with a wink because he’s a little shit.

Dee just freaking makes a mess of everything and accidentally confesses his feelings for both of them at once and then faceplants on the couch

Roman offers Logan some lasagna because it’s getting cold

Dee feels betrayed 

but joins them for lasagna in a few minutes

Logan is utterly confused and doesn’t know what to say, so he doesn’t say anything

Dee is mortified and wants to jump off the balcony

He and Roman proceed to do the titanic thing and Logan is still very confused but he agrees to take their picture

He’s Like: Sure??? I guess so??? Are we not going to address what just happened??? DOn’T FaLL yOU IDiOTs

Roman thinks it is all hilarious but he must agree that Logan is stunning

He helps to re-explain his and Dee’s relationship because Dee honestly did an awful job

And Logan is like okay

Because it makes sense now even though Roman used many slang words he did NOT understand

Oh my god these two are literally the most chaotic duo he’s ever met and usually Logan HATES chaos but he LOVES this

And so Roman - of course, it’s Roman - is the one to suggest they just go with the flow like he and Dee have been doing for the past year already, if Logan wants to

Logan has no idea what to expect but agrees that he wouldn’t mind

Horace.exe has crashed again

So they start doing whatever the hell it is that they’re doing

And if Roman is a chaos slut with Dee he is a chaos gentleman with Logan and it is BAFFLING he’s still dramatic but he’s overly chivalrous and polite and Dee is annoyed why can’t Roman hold the door open for him instead of holding it closed like a jerk after opening it for Logan

Dee and Logan just keep up their psychology discussions almost constantly and regularly have to ask Roman to finish a debate even though Roman knows NOTHING about psychology

Roman always finds an excuse not to support Dee (in a loving way)

“Roman! Tell Logan that Max Stirner-”

“I’M BUSY MAKING ALFREDO SORRY”

This doesn’t stop Dee from continuing to ask him to back him up

Roman always supports Logan in the debates despite being completely oblivious

“Roman, don’t you agree that-”

“Yes, my love. My darling. Genius whom I would die for. I agree.”

This always causes Logan distress in two ways

One: Roman didn’t listen to what he was agreeing with

Two: he is now super flustered because Roman is continuing to ramble on about how much he loves Logan

Logan turns out to know some Spanish

So now he and Roman have conversations in Spanish and Roman teaches him more and Dee just doesn’t really care

He keeps contributing using food or random words he’s picked up on and it drives Logan and Roman INSANE

And so they start dropping his proper name in conversation to either

One: make Dee think they’re mad because they used ‘Horace’

Two: make Dee think they’re gossiping about him

When really they’re talking about how much they love him OR just saying ‘Horace’ in the middle of a completely unrelated sentence

They stop doing this after they accidentally make Dee legitimately sad

It surprises both of them when they realize he’s crying after they don’t tell him what they were saying

So no more pretending to gossip about each other in Spanish

Roman offers to teach him Spanish

Dee responds to the offer by screaming ‘TORTILLA’ at the top of his lungs

Dee does not learn Spanish

Roman calls them his boyfriends first

In a youtube video title

Without warning them that they were being featured

Because he’s a little shit

Dee freaks out and tries to ask him about it but they just end up making out like they usually do when they try to have a serious conversation

Logan is okay with it and very amused at Dee’s reaction

Dee calls them his boyfriends next when he gets sick

When Dee gets sick he gets freaking delirious

Logan didn’t believe that it was the same person the first time he saw Dee when he was sick

Dee also only responds to Horace, his given name, when he’s sick and it's so hard to talk to him because they never seriously call him that

but Dee is so fucking sappy when he’s like that

And it's just pure and cute and he calls them his boyfriends

Logan calls them his boyfriends last

When introducing him to some other friends when they moved back into town

Patton Foster, a veterinarian

Virgil Storm, a weatherman (shut up he knows it's stupid his boyfriend (Patton) makes enough jokes about it as it is)

Both are baffled at how Logan managed to be dating two completely batshit crazy drama geeks

Once this happens they finally sit down and decide that yeah, they are dating

None of them say it’s exclusive, but none of them really want to date anyone else anymore anyway

Having Logan there to balance out the chaos is exactly what they needed

“I NEED A SNAKE FOR A VIDEO”

“Doesn’t Dee have a pet snake?”

“DEE YOU HAVE A PET SNAKE??”

“You’ve lived together for two years, how do you not know he has a snake in a terrarium in his room?”

“Logan I trusted you.”

“CAN I USE YOUR SNAKE”

“Only if I get to be in the video too, she gets nervous around cameras and she needs me.”

“Snakes don’t know what cameras-”

“DEAL!”

So it's just chaos and thriving in their little apartment

Roman has them in his videos sometimes, which is hugely popular among his viewers

“Hey, youtube! Today we’re throwing wet sponges at my tall boyfriend!”

“Roma- ROMAN GET AWAY FROM ME YOU SAID YOU WOULD WARN ME NEXT TIME”

“If you get water on the floor I’m not cleaning it up also watch out for the outlets you don’t want to get electrocuted.”

“That was my nerd boyfriend. I’d never throw a wet sponge at him, he doesn’t deserve it. Only my tall one deserves it.”

“I HATE YOU BOTH”

Logan and Dee both try to embarrass the other more whilst at work, which only caused a problem one or two times

“I need your help”

“With what”

“...a surprise”

“I told you I won’t help you teach them how to stage kiss anymore you always just kiss me for real and that’s not how it works.”

“But I love you.”

“fine.”

Roman and Dee regularly compete to see who can make Logan more embarrassed from compliments and it usually ends up in a cuddle pile or [REDACTED]

Dee is still positive that Logan is either a serial killer or a robot and that is one reason he enjoys making Logan embarrassed because it's hilarious to see the usually stoic teacher not know what to say

Roman, when he hears this theory, claims that Dee is the actual serial killer and he knows because he’s a ghost that’s just been haunting Dee since he killed him

Logan pretends to believe Roman’s claim and Dee wants to destroy them both.

He does… in a way *cough*

People who met Roman and Dee before Logan got there are baffled when they see either of them or both interacting with Logan

Because Roman and Dee are just CHAOS and DRAMATIC declarations of love (Roman) SCREAMING and sexual jokes (Dee)

Roman and Logan, though, that’s Roman at his most chivalrous. He opens doors, speaks eloquently, bows dramatically and is basically an over the top perfect gentleman

Deceit and Logan, well, no one understands that either because Deceit makes ZERO sexual jokes and he’s quiet and gentle and finally FINALLY he matches the elegant aesthetic he has going on 

And as soon as all three of them are seen together? The dynamic makes sense again

Roman and Dee are gremlins. Logan is the god they worship.

 Logan treats them both equally, as much as he can that is, and Roman and Dee would probably fight to the death for his hand and then end up making out like they always do when they fight to ‘the death’

Even Logan’s friends have only ever seen him express real emotion when he is with one or both of his boyfriends

The rest of the time he is in his robot/serial killer mode

Both Roman and Dee take great pride in this

Logan calls Dee Horace when he wants to make a point and it's usually why he ends up winning debates when Roman isn’t around because it makes Dee frustrated and annoyed so he stops talking

Apologies are made with kisses though

After the three get together, Roman learns a lot more about Dee as a person because believe it or not Dee is good at pretending and keeping secrets

Also they always just used to… sleep… in Roman’s room and not Dee’s but Roman didn’t even notice that and that’s how Dee got away with having a snake in secret for two years until Logan stayed the night in his room.

Roman falls more in love with Dee as a result and visa versa

Logan is awfully amused at this and they know it

Basically, the entire relationship is a HOT MESS

And that’s all I’ve got

[alonely-dreamer]

Dangerous Creatures | Chapter 6: Villains and Heroes

Summary: Mackenzie Alemaund is an unlucky 18 year old teenager whose life changes drastically after she gets kidnapped by two vampires and learns, in the same day, that she is not human.

Pairing: Elijah x OC

Words: 3458

A/N: Please, note that I am French so there might be some mistakes here and there + next chapter should be posted sometimes next week, probably before Friday + please, let me know what you think!

Masterlist

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5

Mackenzie needed a shower. After everything that had happened, she really needed to feel clean again. She took her time, trying to relax, trying to think, trying to put herself back together so that once she was ready to come out, she would know what to do.

She stepped out of the steamy bathroom wearing a pair of black leggings and an old white tank top. She put her damp hair in a bun as she stepped back inside her bedroom. Elijah was still there, standing near the old vanity, his hands in his pockets, looking out the window. He turned around when she came out and watched her as she started to take the sheets off of her bed. He had noticed the bloody pillows and he would be lying if he said the smell didn’t bother him. She stayed silent and avoided eye contact, and he knew exactly why.

“Did you think about what I said?”

She froze for half a second before she resumed her task, ignoring him.

“Do you need more time to think about it?”

Mackenzie threw the sheets on the floor and ignored him. She gathered the dirty laundry and carried them out of the bedroom. Elijah waited for a minute before she came back with clean sheets. He watched in silence as she made her bed.

“I don’t want you to kill him,” she finally replied, focusing on the pillowcase.

Her answer didn’t surprise him.

“Don’t you think he deserves to die?”

She froze again. The mere thought made her feel guilty because she didn’t say “no” when he asked the first time.

“It’s not up to me.”

“It is, though.”

She raised her head, finally looking up at him.

“It’s not right.”

“What he did to you wasn’t right either.”

She shivered at the thought. After two years of abuse, two years of physical and psychological torture, she finally had an opportunity to take him down. She had the option to never see him again, so why wasn’t she taking it?

“I don’t want you to kill him,” she repeated.

“Very well, then,” he sighed. “I’ll just compel him.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, as she brought her attention back on the pillowcase.

“You need to rest now. You’ll need your energy if you’re going to practice magic later today.”

“I’m not tired,” she lied.

“I don’t believe you.”

“You said you’d answer my questions.”

“And I will. But you need to sleep first.”

Mackenzie sighed and rolled her eyes. Friends or not, trustworthy or not, she was still surprised that he cared about her wellbeing, and she didn’t know if it was because nobody had cared about it in years, or if it was because he was a thousand-year-old Original vampire who surely had better things to do than babysit her. She grabbed the duvet cover but before she could even start to put it on the comforter, Elijah took it from her and in the next two seconds her bed was perfectly made.

“Sleep,” he said as he pointed at the bed.

He was standing across from her, at the other side of the bed, waiting for her to do as he asked.

“I said, ‘I’m not tired.’”

“And I said, ‘I don’t believe you’. I’ll answer your questions, I promise. But right now you need to rest.”

“I don’t want to sleep.”

“Why not?” he asked as he crossed his arms over his chest.

Mackenzie looked away, embarrassed.

“Don’t you have better things to do than babysit me?”

“Not today, no.”

She sighed. Her silence and obvious discomfort gave him the answer.

“How bad are they, the nightmares?”

Surprised for a short moment, Mackenzie rolled her eyes again as she sat down on the bed, her back facing him.

“It depends,” she whispered with a shrug.

Elijah sighed. He considered what to do for a brief moment. He then sat on the edge of the bed, took his shoes off, and leaned his back against the wall.

“Lie down.”

She turned her head and saw him at the other end of the bed. Knowing he wasn’t going to let it go, she did as he asked. He watched her as she rested her head on one of the pillows and laid down as far away from him as she could.

“Ask a question,” he told her.

Taken by surprise, Mackenzie had to sort out all of her questions and pick only one. It took her a few seconds to decide which one she could safely ask without upsetting him in any way.

“Yesterday you said you had a thousand years to get strong.”

He nodded. “I was born a little over a thousand years ago.”

She wasn’t as surprised as she should have been but she thought he would be older. After all, he was one of the oldest vampires in the world, one of the firsts, she didn’t expect him to be so… “young”.

“How many Originals are there?”

Elijah suddenly looked away. A knot started to form in her stomach when she saw the look on his face. She hadn’t expected the question to bother him so much.

“You don’t have to answer,” she quickly added, trying to stay out of trouble.

“I do, actually. We made a deal,” he reminded her.

He sighed. It was clear it was a sensitive subject.

“There used to be five of us.”

“Used to be?”

“Yes,” he said, and she thought she recognized sadness in his voice.

“Are they… dead? I thought you couldn’t die…”

“We can’t. There’s a weapon, a silver dagger Klaus used to stab them in the heart. The only way to bring them back is to remove the dagger. But Klaus scattered their bodies across the seas. They’re lost forever.”

“They were your friends,” she guessed as she saw how downhearted he was.

“They were my siblings,” he whispered.

Mackenzie immediately sat up. She thought she had misheard.

“Your… your siblings?”

“Yes,” he said, as he looked back at her. “Klaus is my brother. He hunted my family down and took them from me.”

Confused and in disbelief, she stared at him as if they were more answers on his face. But all she could see was how vulnerable he was at that moment, opening up to her, the way she had just opened up to him.

“Elijah, I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

He brought his lips together and shrugged.

“You are not to blame,” he replied.

“That’s why you want to kill Klaus. You want revenge.”

“Yes. I owe it to my family to make him pay for what he did.”

“Are you sure he threw them into the sea?” she asked, making him frown. “I mean… They were his siblings too. Surely…”

Elijah smiled. It was a sad and yet peaceful smile.

“I like being in your company, Mackenzie. Your innocence is refreshing. But do not doubt Klaus is a soulless monster who doesn’t care about anyone but himself, not even about his own family.”

She looked down, trying to find something to say, knowing perfectly there was nothing she could tell him that would make the situation any better.

“So, Klaus is… he’s as old as you?”

“I’m his older brother,” he nodded. “But we are the first vampires.”

“How did you…”

“Become vampires?” he finished for her and she nodded. “It’s a long story,” he sighed. “Should I tell you the whole story?”

“Uh… you… it’s your life,” she said. “You don’t have to tell me anything.”

“Well, it’s more of a horror story than a bedtime story but… I suppose you could use the information.”

He unbuttoned his jacket and took it off, laying it at the end of the bed. Mackenzie laid down next to him, apprehensive.

“My father was a wealthy landowner in a village in Eastern Europe. My mother bore seven children.”

“So, your family was human?”

“Yes. Though, my mother was a witch.”

“Wh- what?”

“She’s the one who told me about elementals in the first place. My mother was a very powerful witch, she hated your kind. I never understood why, even as a child…”

“But… if she was a witch… doesn’t that make you…”

“No,” he cut her off. “Witches are servants of nature, vampires are abominations of nature, you can either be one or the other, never both.”

“But… you used to be a witch?”

“I never really took an interest in magic. Unlike my brothers, Finn and Kol.”

“So, you had six siblings? But you said there were only five Originals.”

“My parents’ first born died from the plague. In order to protect their future family from the same fate, they moved away. They arrived here, to what became Mystic Falls eight centuries later.”

He said it with a smile, knowing he was going to enjoy Mackenzie’s reaction. And he did. The elemental immediately sat up, a baffled look on her face which quickly changed into confusion then skepticism.

“That’s not possible,” she said with a frown. “This part of the world hadn’t been discovered yet!”

Elijah chuckled. “Not that you’d know. My mother knew a witch, Ayana, who heard from the spirits of a mystical land where everyone was healthy, blessed by the gifts of speed and strength. That led my parents here, where they lived in peace for twenty years, during which they had more children. Including me.”

“You were born here?” she breathed out.

He nodded. “So were my brothers and my sister, Klaus, Kol, Rebekah and Henrik. I hav- had… an older brother, Finn.”

“The one who died?”

“No, Finn was my parents’ second child.”

“But… that leaves six of you.”

“Yes… The gifted people we lived with were werewolves,” he started to say and Mackenzie could see on his face he was getting to the bad part. “One full moon, Niklaus and Henrik went to watch them turn. That was forbidden. Henrik…” he paused, looking away.

“He died…” she finished for him in a whisper.

“Yes,” he nodded. “That was the beginning of the end of peace with our neighbors. My father begged my mother to find a way to protect us. He wanted us to be better than werewolves, stronger, faster… immortal.”

“She turned you to protect you…” she breathed out.

“Yes… She didn’t know…” he stopped and scoffed. “She didn’t know we would become… well, what we became.”

“’Wha-, you mean… she didn’t turn?”

“No. She did it for us.”

“She must have been really powerful, I mean… she created a… a new species!”

“She was,” he nodded. “She used the sun for life and an ancient white oak tree, one of nature’s eternal objects for immortality. That night, my father offered us wine mixed with blood… then killed us.”

“You- your father killed you?”

“He did. He was happy to do it… When we came back to life we had to drink more blood to complete the transition. But, there were consequences. The spirits turned on us. For weeks we were stuck inside, it was impossible for us to stand in the sun. My mother found a solution,” he said, showing her the ring he wore on his left middle finger. It might have been made of gold, Mackenzie couldn’t tell, but there was a blue stone in the middle, maybe made out of lapis lazuli. “Daylight rings. The same magic your friends the Salvatores and Miss Forbes use, I imagine.”

“They’re not my friends.”

“Right,” he chuckled. “They were other problems. We could no longer enter homes without being invited, the flowers at the base of the white oak tree, vervain, burnt and prevented compulsion. And the spell decreed that the tree that gave us life could also take it away. So we burnt it to the ground. But the darkest consequence was something my parents never anticipated. The hunger for blood.”

“She didn’t mean to turn you into vampires. She wanted you to be safe, to never die.”

“Everybody makes mistakes,” he scoffed. “It wasn’t her first…”

“What do you mean?”

“Miss Gilbert and her friends believe Niklaus wants to break the Sun and the Moon Curse.”

“That’s not true?”

“He wants to break a curse, but not that one. That one… doesn’t exist.”

“Wha- what do you mean, it doesn’t exist? Elena has to die to break it.”

“Niklaus and I faked the Sun and the Moon Curse a long time ago. We made it so vampires believed that if they broke the curse themselves they will be able to walk in the sun. But if a werewolf breaks it, then they wouldn’t have to turn at the full moon anymore,” he said, leaving Mackenzie speechless, “We were looking for the moonstone and the doppelganger. We figured that the best way to find them was to send two different species after them.”

“But… if the Sun and the Moon Curse is fake… what do you need Elena for?”

“There is a curse Niklaus wants to break. It’s a curse placed on him. You see… My brother and my father didn’t get along well. When Niklaus made his first kill as a vampire, we found out the truth. Niklaus wasn’t my father’s son. My mother had been unfaithful many years before, Klaus was from a different bloodline. Of course, when my father discovered this, he hunted down and killed my mother’s lover and his entire family, igniting a war between the species that rages until this day.”

“A war between species…”

“The vampires… and the werewolves.”

“I- I don’t understand…”

“Niklaus’ father was a werewolf. When he killed for the first time he triggered his werewolf curse. But a hybrid would be deadlier than a vampire or a werewolf so my mother saw to it that my brother’s werewolf side would become dormant. Klaus wants to trigger that part of him that’s a werewolf. If that happens, Niklaus would sire his own bloodline, he’d build his own race, endangering not only vampires… but everyone.”

“Wait, wait,” she stopped him. “So, a werewolf will only turn at the full moon if they’ve killed someone?” she asked and he nodded. “And… you helped Klaus fake the Sun and the Moon Curse? Why?”

“I helped him because I loved him. That’s changed now. He must die.”

“Okay,” she nodded, understanding how he felt, “but… you burnt the tree that could kill you. How are your siblings dead?”

“Well, the witches would never stand for such an imbalance, every creature on this earth must have a weakness, so they created silver daggers. Combined with the ashes of the white oak tree, once stabbed in the heart with them, we will die. Once the dagger is removed, we will come back.”

“So, you can’t die ‘die’. But... why can’t you use the dagger against Klaus?”

“When a werewolf is wounded by silver it heals. The daggers won’t work. There’s one way to kill any supernatural species, at the hands of the servants of nature themselves. If they can channel that much power. The Martins have a spell that could allow them to do so, but with you… I believe we stand a better chance.”

“Me?” she repeated, staring at him like he was crazy.

She got off the bed and started pacing in her room.

“You… I… ‘channel that much power’… I can’t even… I don’t even…”

She jumped, startled, when he was suddenly in front of her.

“Calm down.”

“You can’t expect me to be powerful enough to do that! I have no idea how to do… anything!”

“Jonas will teach you. I’m confident you will be ready in time.”

“What if… what if I’m not?” she breathed out with tears in her eyes.

He stopped her, put both his hands on her shoulders and made her look up at him.

“You’re an elemental, an ultimate, you’re more powerful than my mother ever was. You will be ready in time. You can do this. You have to.”

She didn’t know why he had such confidence in her. Maybe it was because failing wasn’t an option. If Klaus became a hybrid then many people would die and they couldn’t let that happen. Elijah was right. She had to do it. She had to do it for Elena.

“So what about the sacrifice?” she asked, then sniffed. “How are you gonna keep Elena safe?”

“I have a potion I had made five centuries ago for Katerina. If Elena drinks it, she’ll die but will come back to life.”

“You… you tried to save Katherine’s life?”

“Yes,” he nodded, and it was obvious he didn’t want to talk about it.

“Does Elena know? About the potion?”

“She doesn’t have all the details, no.”

“But does she know she has to do the sacrifice? That she has to die?”

“She does. Miss Gilbert is truly remarkable, she doesn’t want anyone to die for her. She’s quite the opposite of her ancestor…”

“Why… why don’t you want Elena to know… all of this?”

He sighed. “I’m not sure they deserve to know, yet.”

“But I do?”

“What I’m asking from you is…” he stopped, then shook his head, “yes, you deserve to know why you’re doing what you’re doing.”

Mackenzie shook her head, but then nodded.

“You don’t trust them.”

“I doubt they trust me. I’m sure they’re looking for a way to get rid of me as we speak.”

“Elena wouldn’t do that.”

“How would you know? You’re not friends.”

“I just… she wouldn’t...”

“I would agree with you. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for her friends, the Salvatores. Especially Damon.”

“I’ve never met Damon.”

“Lucky you,” he chuckled.

“I, uh…” she paused, then looked down. This wasn’t going to be easy to ask. “Elena said that Stefan didn’t drink human blood…”

“I’m not surprised,” he nodded.

“What about… Damon? What about…”

“Me?” he cut her off and she nodded. “Well, we’re vampires. We need to feed, one way or another.”

“But Stefan… how does he do it?”

“He lives in the middle of the forest, doesn’t he?” Elijah shrugged. “As for the rest of us, blood bags are a decent solution, not that we only feed from those.”

“So…” she cleared her throat. “You kill people…”

“Not necessarily. We can drink from someone without killing them. But yes, we kill people, but you already knew that.”

Yes. Yes, she did already know that. And she didn’t want to be reminded of it.

“Let’s talk about something else,” she said before she made her way back to her bed.

“You should rest, now. You’ll need your strength to practice magic later today.”

Mackenzie sighed as she sat down. She was tired, she couldn’t deny it, but she was afraid of the nightmares, and after the conversation she just had, she was bound to have some.

“Please,” he insisted. “After what happened last night I’m sure you could use a few hours of sleep.”

“Can we please just keep talking? I don’t think I’ll be able to fall asleep if I’m alone…”

Elijah sighed. He walked towards her and gestured her to lie down. She moved so he could sit next to her. She was so small her feet didn’t even reach the jacket that was at the end of the bed.

“You’re not alone,” he said as he moved to lean against the wall.

“I’m sure you have better things to do then watch me sleep…”

He frowned. “Not really,” he said, as if it were a surprise to him too.

She laid down on the side, facing him.

“You don’t have to take care of me. I’ve been fine on my own for two years.”

“Obviously not,” he said and it sounded meaner than he intended it to be. “I believe you could use the company. So could I. But if you want me to leave then I won’t stay any longer.”

He moved to get up but Mackenzie immediately put her hand on his to stop him.

“Wait… Don’t go.”

She could see he was surprised but all he saw in her eyes was a plea. She wasn’t scared of him, for once, she was scared of being alone.

“Very well.”

She relaxed when he positioned himself back on the bed. She took a deep breath before she settled her head between the pillows and closed her eyes. She was exhausted. The silence wasn’t so scary with Elijah sitting right next to her. She focused on his breathing, it soothed her. The situation she was in didn’t even surprise her. Elijah wasn’t a big bad vampire anymore but her friend. The one and only person she could count on. Someone who was keeping her secret just like she was keeping his. Someone she could trust. She hoped.

[timeisacephalopod]

Nebula & Tony

I saw your post about ficlets and I don’t know if you accept non-slash requests. But I think it’d be cute to see Nebula and Tony bonding together about daddy issues and mutual lost post-IW.

**

I’m perfectly happy to take platonic pairings! This is a personal fav of mine too :) Also thanks for the happy birthday yesterday!

**

Nebula tries to reach out to him but Tony smacks her hand away. “I’m fine,” he all but growls at her. He’s not fine but there’s nothing she can do to help him either. What’s an alien know about human biology? Besides that he’d be happy to die about now, after Peter...

“You’re dying, you idiot. Are all humans this ignorant to their own biology?” Nebula snaps at him, angry. He hasn’t seen her look anything but angry in the short time they’ve known each other. 

“No. But there’s nothing here for me but death.” That’s fucking cruel after the snap. He lives just long enough to watch everyone he loves die, then he’s left to wonder about Pepper, Rhodey, the rest of the Avengers. And Strange just... how the hell could he just give up the stone? Whatever, what’s done is done. And now he dies and all for fucking nothing. Its not that he expected his death to be meaningful, loss rarely is, but he thought he’d at least die doing something good for the world. Instead he dies after failing to save half the fucking universe. Raw deal.

Nebula rolls her eyes, “you’re as dramatic as Quill. Lie back, I know the basics of human anatomy,” she tells him and he frowns.

“How and why would you even know that?” And how do aliens seem to know so much about humans when humans only just found out about them? That makes no sense and Tony refuses to believe all those bunk alien stories of the past. He’s sure a few have validity but most of them are obvious horse shit that all follow the same pattern. 

“It was part of my training, lie back or I’ll push you back and you won’t like that,” Nebula tells him, sounding like a bad villain out of an even shittier movie.

He rolls his eyes and carefully lowers his body onto a piece of ship, staring up at the orange, barren sky. The plants, when there used to be some, must have absorbed light differently than the plants on earth. Flora probably looked a lot like earth in the fall all year round. That would have looked cool. He also wonders what that’s doing to his system if anything and figures maybe Nebula will know the answer to that. “We should get off this planet soon. I don’t really want to know what a lack of a moon will do to it.”

Nebula makes a noncommittal noise as she returns to his side. “We’ll get off this hellplanet when I’ve fixed you,” she tells him.

Tony frowns, looking back up to the sky. “Why do you even care?” he asks. “You could fuck off and leave me to die, I probably wouldn’t even be that mad about it.” Truthfully if he wanted to he could probably get off this planet too. What was it Obie said once... that it wasn’t the suit that made him dangerous, it was his brain. That he could be dumped in the middle of the desert with nothing but cactus needles and sand and he’d still manage to fly out of there. There’s tech all over the place around him. He’d be able to leave no problem if Nebula left him to die.

His words bring a slight pause to Nebula’s actions- mostly her feeling around his wound and shit it hurts but he’s had worse. Finally she looks up. “I’m sorry about your son,” she says softly, blinking rapidly and it takes Tony a moment to realize she’s close to tears.

“He wasn’t my son, technically,” Tony murmurs.

“I was adopted too,” Nebula says. “Thanos was an awful father. I... I didn’t know a parent could care that much about their child. I watched Thanos throw a moon at you and you got back up seconds later but your son... I didn’t know people could make noises of pain like that and I’ve tortured my fair share of all sorts of species. You didn’t deserve any of this,” she murmurs softly. “This nanotech is impressive,” she adds.

Didn’t deserve- Nebula doesn’t even know the half of it. And May, fuck, if she survived this she’s going to lose her shit worse than he did. First her husband, then her nephew? And Peter’s parents when he was a kid- that woman has suffered more than anyone should. “I didn’t make for a very good father figure,” Tony tells her. “Not that I had a great role model myself. And thanks- took me time to figure out but a suit that responds to my thoughts and is instinctual means faster response times. Not that it helped,” he notes more to himself than her.

For a long while Nebula ignores his words, instead focusing on medicine that she does, in fact, seem to know a lot about. Including how to dose a human with foreign anesthetics. When she speaks again its as she’s stitching his wound, warning him that the nanobots are still in there because, for the moment, they can’t be removed from his system. Tony knew that already though, and Nebula is running low on resources. He’ll need more than the average post mission workup. He probably needs hours of surgery, which is a fucking shame since the damn doctor died. Not that this was his specialty but still.

“I don’t know a lot about good parents, but I know a lot about bad ones. Thanos shed a few tears for Gamora after he killed her. You sounded like you were dying after Peter faded away. At first I thought it was your wound, not emotional distress. When you show more pain at the loss of a child than you do at a stab wound that went clear through your body I know you care too much to be an awful parent. His suit was like yours, too. You made it,” she says and he nods. “Lots of defense strategies too- his first course of action is always to retreat, if I made a good analysis of his use of the tactical gear. And I know I did. You didn’t want him in a fight unless he needed to be there.”

Doesn’t matter if that’s all true, he still got the kid killed. He should have gotten Stephen himself, damnit. But that would have left Peter dealing with whatever the hell kind of alien that was and- there’s no easy way out of that and it doesn’t matter anyways. The past is the past unless you’re Thanos.

“So what’s the deal with Thanos and his ‘children’ anyways? Seems more like you were all his pawns more than anything,” he says to change the subject.

Nebula sits on the small piece of ship beside him. “That’s exactly what we were- mercenaries to do his bidding. He trained us, ‘loved’ us, sent us to do whatever he felt was necessary to do.” She pauses in her words for a moment before sighing. “I’ve done some... unspeakable things.”

“Because you were put in a position where you didn’t have much choice,” he tells her softly, resting a hand on her most-definitely-some-kind-of-metal arm.

She stares at it for a moment, confused, before shaking her head. “No. I wanted to do those things. Took pride in them. Something like that is unforgivable. I don’t know how Gamora lived with it- she had to do worse things than any of the rest of us. She was his favorite.”

Tony half smiles, “I know a thing or two about that. My father was a weapons developer- taught me to be one too and that’s no excuse for what I did, all the damage I caused with my bombs, guns, whatever. But I wasn’t really left with much of a choice either.” Howard would have killed him, and that being literal isn’t out of the question, had he not taken on the family business. He used to think it was a bad thing, when he was a kid, until Howard literally beat that out of him. Its an honor to serve your country, and all that. Never seemed to consider what happened when your country is wrong, or when the wrong people get ahold of the right weapons, or who got caught in the crossfire of a war they never wanted to be in and can’t move away from without money, luck, and a country willing to take them in.

“You seem to do okay. Like Gamora,” Nebula says and Tony can hear the sadness in her voice.

He shakes his head. “I’ve made too many mistakes to be anything like your sister. She sounds brave.”

Nebula blinks rapidly and nods. “When we were kids, all I wanted her to do was save me. She was always better than me, better than all of us, and I thought for some stupid reason she could help me with that skill. Stupid and childish, I know, but I guess children will think childish thoughts. Of course she chose to save me the one time I wished she wouldn’t have.” She describes Gamora, how she saved Nebula when she wished she hadn’t for the fate of the universe. How Nebula tracked them down to try and kill Thanos and save Gamora herself. How only Thanos left Vormir.

Tony listens because she needs someone to talk to, and because he needs the distraction from the look on Peter’s face when the fucking kid apologized like he was wrong somehow for dying. God, that hurts his heart more than the shrapnel and reactor ever had. “You did everything you could,” Tony tells her, giving her arm a gentle squeeze he isn’t sure she’ll feel. She does because she looks down at his hand in confusion for a moment before looking away, obviously still not clear on what that was.

Fuck, she must have lived a life that was some awful if she can’t even recognize comfort. At least Tony had Jarvis, Anna, and Peggy. Jarvis was always soft and sweet, Anna too. Peggy was a hard ass, always on him to do better but when he needed her she was always there. Once, when Howard got really bad, aunt Peggy beat the living hell out of him. Told him next time she’d kill him and make it look like an accident if he ever put his hands on his wife or kid again. He didn’t do that again either, but it left him to figure out ways of psychological torment that didn’t leave bruises and left Tony a lot more damaged than a slap.

“I didn’t do nearly enough,” she murmurs. “I should have done more.”

God, does Tony ever feel the same way. Carefully he lifts himself into a sitting position, conscious of his wound and the nanobots are conscious of it too, and he wraps his arms around a confused Nebula. “What’s this?” she asks, confused.

It’d be funny if not for the circumstances. “Its a hug. Humans do it for comfort.”

“Do you... need comfort?” she asks and Tony lets out a half a laugh before his stomach and the nanobots remind him that’s a bad idea.

“No, you do,” he says, leaning into her mostly because he’s tired, he’s only just feeling it now. HIs eyelids droop a little and Nebula sighs.

“You made a good point about the affects of the missing moon on this planet. That’s the fifth time I’ve seen that star in the last two hours and I know the planet doesn’t normally spin this fast. We need to go,” she says, extracting herself gently from Tony. He props himself up for a moment before Nebula picks him up and he lets out an indignant squawk. “This is called ‘carrying’ we do it when people are injured,” Nebula tells him and Tony lets out a small laugh that’s as bad an idea as the first one was.

“Usually humans give a little warning first. Just for future reference,” he says and Nebula shakes her head, walking towards a ship with him. 

[channiespeach]

Love, Chan

genre: college! fluff! angst! best friends to lovers! bang chan au ~gif: @felixynthesis

word count: 4934 

prompt: sorta a spin off from the English film ‘Love, Rosie’ (this is my favorite movie ever, highly recommend!). Chan befriended you your first year of college, him being an upperclassman and majoring in psychology as well. The two of you met during a heated class discussion about abortions and hit things off from there, becoming the closest of friends. Unfortunately, keeping no more than the title of being his ‘best friend’, never prevented you from falling helplessly in love with your best friend. One night, you and Chan went to a party together, in which resulted to Chan getting intoxicated and kissing you. Before you could confess your feelings to Chan based on the previous night’s occurrences, he ended up getting into a relationship. The two of you went on pretending that, that night never happened and you pushed your feelings further underneath the rug. 

~

Don’t cry, you’re a bad bitch. You should’ve known this would come sooner or later, you put yourself into this trap by falling for your bloody best friend!

“I’ve always thought that of all people who’ll support me, you were always one of them” Chan’s fist aggressively hit the alleyway’s brick wall, beside your head. “I was wrong” He chuckled bitterly. Sweat was trickling down his collar bones, evidently from the loose black material of his low cut t-shirt. His lips were pressed together in a tight line, veins protruding all over the place. His eyes were glossed, beaming with redness and his breathing was sporadic, his movements fidgeting. I knew better than anyone when he’s angry, presently being no different. 

“I support you more than anyone in your entire fucking lifetime ever could and you’re damn aware of that!” I scoffed defensively at his remark. “There’s a difference between being supportive and looking out for someone” I spoke calmly, choosing my words carefully so things won’t be taken out of context. I kept a confident composure, straightening my posture and initiating eye contact, showing that I’m not intimidated by him in the slightest. 

“Don’t be pulling the superhero card on me!” Chan threw his head back dramatically, laughing menacingly.  “Because if that was really the case, then why do you feel the need to constantly butt yourself into my personal life? I’m allowed to have relations with others outside of our friendship and I don’t need your approval” I must admit, that stung and left a flavor of distaste in my mouth. He made it seem as though I was controlling every aspect of his life, when it’s been far from. I’ve always been so selfless when it comes to him, in fact. I’ve stayed up for ungodly hours helping him prepare special songs to please her and I’ve gotten up past the dead of night to go over and console him until he was sane enough, whenever they’d have fights. I’ve always been nothing but dependable to him and listened to the dysfunction his dear heart pelted.  All this has never left the most beneficial mark on my emotional state, but I’d rather keep him happy than myself. For awhile now, I’ve come to an understanding that I’ll never be her. She’s the center of his universe, the blue in his eyes, and the air he purely breathes. I could never compete with that. Although, such things have never kept me from being someone he can always rely on. It’s always been my duty as a best friend.

“Do you know how ridiculous you’re sounding right now?” I took a step closer to him, crossing my arms. “Why do you stoop so much lower than what you deserve, Channie?” I croaked, my voice softening and losing some of its tranquility. I’m not going to cry, not in front of him at least. Save the water works for when you get home.

“Only my real friends get to call me that” He sneered at me. I lost my cool from there, as much as I’d let my heavy heart be continuously outweighed by him. One thing I couldn’t stand any longer is watching my best friend get hurt, him being fully unaware of her motive. The boys even agreed with me, so I wasn’t the only one seeing this. It was time I put my foot down and if he can’t even handle the truth put to him gently, then there’s no other way. 

“God! How can you be so in denial?” I groaned exasperatedly, dropping my arms to my sides and balling them into fists. Before he could interject, I cut him off, “No, it’s time you listen to me for once! I’ve been nothing but a true friend to you, even though you’re saying either wise. I’ve never been taken into accountability for how much I do for you. Are you aware of how much sleep I’ve lost over you in the past just to make sure that you’re okay? I’m not complaining because I’d do it all in a heart beat for you over and over again” I took a shaky breath, continuing, “And the fact that you’d take her word over someone whose wanted nothing but the best for you for over three years, when you’ve only known her for a few months? Chan, she’s just stringing you along, as well as many others. It’s time for you to stop caring so much for others and allow yourself to be taken care of” 

“I’m in denial?” He scoffed. “You’re just hung up from when we kissed at that stupid party. The only person you’re looking out for is yourself! You can’t stand me being happy with someone else that’s not you and never will be you. You’re so fucking selfish!” He spat at me, before saying the seven most hurtful words in existence, “I’d choose her over you any day” Next thing I knew, I slapped him. I lost all sight of myself, but I was far from caring at this point. 

“Fine. You no longer have to deal with the burden of feeling like I’m restricting you from associating with the outside world anymore. Congratulations!” Giving him a disdainful smile, I allowed the pools of tears to spill down my cheeks, before turning away from him. For a second, I could’ve sworn his expression softened, but it was too late because I’d already left. 

☾  3 years ago

“It’s true that abortions are one of the single most disgusting things humanely possible, but that doesn’t always mean that whoever chooses to pursue the procedure are all insensitive human beings” I argued. 

“Doesn’t mean that some of them can be. There are options, such as adoption if the parents can’t be responsible enough to raise the child themselves” The fluffy blond, whose been debating with me for the past 20 minutes, stated. It’d be an understatement that I was attracted to him. He was courageous, thought carefully before speaking and was confident with how he held himself up. Not to mention, he was cute. His wavy, bleached hair was messily sprawled across his head, framing the front of his face, looking similarly to a stem of broccoli. But, gave his exterior a cute puppy dog look. He was not too tall and not too short, but still towered over me a decent amount. He was fixated in an over-sized grey sweatshirt (did I mention guys in grey sweatshirts are my weakness). He had the fullest blushed lips I’ve ever encountered, which were always concocted into the most beautiful smirk. Other times, he was smiling so bright that it could cure cancer itself. Goddamn, was I swooning and there was no doubt about it. I’ve noticed him around plenty of times, since we’re both majoring in psychology and taking similar classes. But, I was too scared to act upon anything. But, of course I’m going to keep my guard up until I win this damn debate. Yes, he may be cute but, he’s not getting away with it that easily. Nothing gets in the way of my snarky attitude. 

“You have a point. I agree that having an abortion is an inexcusable act, but what if the father is an abusive nutcase who’d refuse to sign the adoption papers or something and the child would be forced to be had in a hostile environment? This world’s a cruel place, after all. I agree with you that adoption should be the main verdict, instead of an abortion. Although, I can’t come to terms with you that anyone who decides to go through with the operation are all insensitive people because there could always be more to it” I took my time to present my argument in a time manageable manner, so the discussion would be closed by the time class is dismissed and no more additional comments could made. 

“I’m Chan” The flimsy blond introduced himself, extending out his hand to me and flashing me a dimply smile. & that’s how all great things aligned. 

☾ almost 1 year ago

“No way, you’re high! I’m not going to a party the weekend before finals. That’s outrageous!” I exclaimed, opposed to Chan’s proposition. 

“Y/N, you’re such a drag! Won’t you loosen up for just this once and live a little?” Chan groaned, giving me the most displeased look imaginable. 

“Absolutely not! You do understand how important this graded debate is, right? I have so much preparation and notes to work on, yet. Unlike you, I actually want to get far in life” I scoffed at his nonsense and he chuckled lightly at my persistence, throwing his head forward cutely. 

“You do realize how important this party is for me right? It’s being thrown by Changbin, meaning it’s going to be the party of the year and there’s going to be so many hot girls there!” He emphasized dramatically, making his argument more unappealing. My heart stopped for a second from the mention of other girls, making me despise going even more. 

“Then just bring one of those other bitches, instead. I’m not going!” I snapped at him, shoving all my materials in my bag, aggressively and stomping out of the library. I understand I’m being temperamental for no reason, but is he fucking serious? Is he really going to torture me like that and drag me to a party to hustle other females, in fucking front of me? Even though, he’s completely unaware of my feelings towards him, but still! 

“What’s up with you? Are you on your period or something? Goddamn!” He scampered in front of me, in response to my abrupt movements. I gasped in astonishment, preparing to continue my angry march. “Wait! I really want you to go. I want nothing more, but for you out of anyone else to accompany me tonight” He pleaded, placing his hands atop my shoulders to stop me in my tracks. I huffed, fixating my bag’s strap on my shoulder and shook off his touch. Before I could argue, he cut me off, already knowing what I’m about to say, “Enough with the damn debate, Y/N. Just wing it! You’ll do great, I have faith in you” He cupped my cheeks, smooshing them both together, continuing. “Pretty please, Y/N? Your best friend needs you, please help him” His eyes twinkled at me, smiling down at me irresistibly. He made it nearly impossible for me to say no with those damned dimples of his, unfair. 

I tilted my head slightly to look up at him and dropped my shoulders, debating internally with myself. Being the weak bitch I am, I gave in, “Fine, but I swear to god, Chan, if you make one more comment about my period again, deal’s off!” He smirked and nodded, in response to getting his way. “By the way, you’re in charge of bringing the bottle and whatever the fuck else” I deadpanned, poking his chest with my pointer finger. I made sure to keep my hard ass composure to show he didn’t fully one up me, even though he’d had, but he doesn’t need to know that. 

“You got it, hard ass” He saluted me, draping an arm around my shoulder. “For a second there, I could’ve sworn you were in love with me or something” Oh fuck you, you piece of shit. 

“That’s the most outrageous thing you’ve said all day” 

-

Luckily, Chan didn’t hustle any girls at the party like I thought he would, but got piss drunk not even an hour in, instead. Boy, is he lucky I have mom like instincts. Unfortunately, I was tipsy myself, so I wasn’t thrilled to have to babysit him. So, we ended up leaving, when I was a few drinks in. As much as I wanna tell myself I’m mad at him, I’m relieved we left before the drunk hoes could acknowledge his beauty. Leaving the party itself was a bitch, he was practically draping over me, giving off an illusion we’re together. Shit, I wasn’t complaining though.

“Y/N, you have to listen to me!” Chan exclaimed loudly, when I shoved him onto the bed.

“Channie, you should really get some rest. It’s been a long night and you’re drunk” I spoke in a hushed voice, seating myself on the edge of Chan’s bed. “You know, you’re not as light as you look” I teased him, rubbing my sore blades. 

“But Y/N, I just want to tell you how much I love you and appreciate you for always taking such good care of me. You’re the best, best friend I could ever have!” He continued his loud administrations, but I couldn’t help but giggle softly at how cute he’s being.

“I love you too Channie and I appreciate that and all, but you really need to lower your voice. You’re making a lot of commotion and we don’t need someone to make a call thinking someone’s getting killed or something” I shushed him, putting my index finger to his lips. 

“I love you more! You’re so pretty!” He chirped, keeping the same volume control and sat up along beside me from his laying position. I tilted my head slightly at him, baffled as he placed a hand on the farthest side of my face, his fingers dancing on my skin. My heart skipped a beat at his next move, he closed the space between us and intertwined our lips. Was I really kissing my best friend right now? I felt a surge of butterflies kissing me from head to toe and I was seeing the world in different colors. For me, this was a dream come true, but I was so confused as to why this all felt so right to me. I didn’t feel a sense of guilt kissing my best friend, unsure if he feels the same way about me. I felt at pure bliss and like I was at home, being entangled in his hold. In this moment, I realized that whether Chan loves me or not, he is my home. The kiss was nearly a peck and lasted only for a brief second, but I felt and concluded a lot in that short second, like the way his lips felt pressed with mine

“Will you lay with me until I fall asleep?” He spoke, looking at me with uncertainty. I couldn’t tell if it was because he regretted kissing me or if he’s scared I’ll tell him no. Whatever the reason, I felt my heart tear right down the middle. Did he not feel anything? “Please?” He begged in a small voice, breaking my thoughts. I’m trying my hardest not to feel this strongly about him, but he just makes things so hard. How could I not love him? It’s so selfish to love someone and expect them to love you back, if it’s unclear. Especially your best friend. I nodded, fixating myself beside him. I just can’t seem to tell him no, I’m weak when it comes to him, no matter how much I speak either wise. He pulled me by the small of my waist, molding our bodies so close together, that I was engulfed into him completely and could hear his heartbeat.  His head was snuggled atop of my chest with my chin rested on his scalp, and my fingers weaving through his frizzy curls. I continued my administrations, until he was coaxed to sleep. 

“Oh Chan, I think I won the argument for who loves who the most” 

I haven’t talked to Chan all weekend since the party, but it was fine since I had lots of preparation to do for exams. After all, being a student majoring in psychology is a lot of work. Although, as selfish as it sounds, I’m a bit disappointed he hasn’t tried to contact me. I knew sooner or later that I had to face my problems and confess, whether he reciprocated them or not. I couldn’t run and avoid my feelings towards him for forever, as much as I desired the idea. During the time span of being away from him, I’d decided that first thing after the class debate, I’m going to confront him. 

“Hey, Y/N” Chan approached me once class was dismissed, while I was packing up all my materials meticulously. “I just wanted to apologize for going MIA on you this weekend, I’ve been pretty busy and hungover as fuck” He chuckled deeply, his dimples kissing at his cheeks prominently. 

“No worries, Channie! I’ve been so busy studying for this debate to notice” I giggled at him halfheartedly, ruffling down his angelic locks. Lies. “Any who, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something. Would you wanna grab some coffee and catch up?” I finished, biting my lip nervously and kicking the toe of my sneaker out into the dirt. 

“Yeah! That’d be great actually. I’ve been meaning to tell you some news as well” Chan agreed, smiling so wide that angels were dancing around his face. “I’ll text you, okay? I just got some stuff to sort out real quick and I’ll meet you there later” He chimed cheerily, backing away from me before exiting the classroom, after I’d nodded in approval. My body froze up after he’d disappeared, was I blushing? I raised up my hand to my warm cheeks, in conformation, that I indeed was. 

channie: Meet you there at 5? Can’t wait to see you! :) me: ahahaha me too. see ya then!

Time flew by quickly and before I knew it, the clock already striked 4:45 pm. I checked myself in the mirror quickly, fixating the frizzy strands of hair falling out of my messy bun that had gotten stuck in my circular glasses, before heading out. 

Walking up to the cafe, I saw Chan seated in our usual spot by the window. A smile brimmed its way onto my features, my heart swelling at just the sight of the love of my life. Then, reality punched me in the face when a girl sat herself by his side. She had short hair with thin bangs and long features, overall she was beautiful. She was everything I’m not, of course he’d go for her. I felt tears well up into my eyes, cussing at myself for being so stupid. I dodged a corner before I could make eye contact with him and cried for a few short minutes, that felt like an eternity of heartbreak. I heaved, pulling myself together before entering the cafe, a smile forged on my face. 

“Y/N, you’re here! I was starting to get worried, you’re late” Chan greeted me, as I seated myself across from him. “I’ve been meaning for you to meet someone. This is my girlfriend, Yuri” Chan introduced us, continuing, “Yuri, meet my best friend, Y/N” 

“It’s so nice to meet you! Congratulations to the both of you!” 

I felt like I’d been shot.

☾ 3 months ago

I’d been awoken from my slumber to the ringer of my phone blaring mercilessly and its brightness illuminating my face. It can’t be time for morning classes already, it’s still dark and there’s no such thing as daylight savings here. I groggily reached for my phone, seeing a call from Chan. Has something happened?

“Hello?” I yawned. I heard sniffles and heavy panting on his side of the line. “What happened? Is everything okay?” I sat up alarmed, my voice losing its drowsiness and becoming coated with a thick layer of worry instead. 

“Y/N, I know it’s late, but, I-I just really need you right now. Can you come over?..” Chan sobbed. I only could make out snippets of what he said because he was crying like a bitch. 

“Yeah, yeah. That’s fine. What time is it?” I rubbed my face, in attempt to wake myself up. 

“Almost 4″ He spoke shakily. My eyes widened in disbelief, pulling my phone away from my ear to check for myself. 

“Okay, I’ll be right there” I assured him, hanging up the call. 

I made it to the dorms safe and sound, making it over to Chan’s room quietly, being careful not to wake any of his roomates. I made it over to his form, curled up in a ball and his back faced towards me. 

“Aw Channie, please don’t cry! You’re really breaking my heart right now! Tell me, what’s the matter?” I cooed at him, cuddling up behind him and rubbing his back. 

“I really fucked up with, Yuri. I love her so much, I don’t wanna lose her” Chan turned around, facing me, eyes all red and puffy. 

“Don’t say that. How’d you fuck things up?” I wiped away the fresh tears from his eyes with the pads of my thumbs, pushing the lose stands of hair out of his face. 

“S-so, there was this guy hitting on her in front of me and he was being really disrespectful to her. Well, I ended up stepping in and saying something to him. She got really upset with me because she wanted to deal with it on her own and she said how I dealt with it was immature” He teared up, clouds ready to spur from his gloomy eyes. 

“What did you say to him?” I rocked him back and forth in my arms, speaking in a barely audible whisper. 

“Just to lay off and that she’s not interested” He rubbed at his eyes, letting out a broken sigh. Wow, what a lucky and ungrateful bitch. 

“Well, she’d be stupid to lose an amazing guy like you. I think you did the right thing by sticking up for her. It’s wrong she didn’t fend for herself right away, letting the guy know she’s in a relationship with you” I reasoned. 

“I shouldn’t have gotten so possessive of her and have been such a selfish asshole. She’s a grown woman, she’s more than capable of handling such things herself. I need to make it up to her” He shook his head, completely disregarding everything I’d said. 

“How are you going to make things up to her?” I questioned, blandly. My heart broke seeing him fall apart like this and blaming himself for everything. It’s like watching you’re entire world crumble to pieces. Even though, he’s fully unaware of this, he is my world.

“I don’t know. Write a song maybe? But, we have completely different music tastes, that if I do make her something, I’m afraid she won’t like it” Chan pulled apart from my grasp to lay on his back, staring up at his ceiling with emptiness. 

“She’d be dumb not to like it.  What are you waiting for? Let’s write a song for Yuri, together!” I faked a spontaneous tone, in order to motivate him. 

“You’d really help me write a song for her?” Chan sat up with me, smiling brightly at me. 

“I’d do anything for you, as long as you’re happy” I nodded at him. 

“You’re the best!” He jumped at me, hugging me in a tight embrace. 

I stayed up with him, helping him compose lyrics and listened to different beats that’ll best fit the song. He ended up overworking himself, falling asleep hunched over his laptop, when I checked up on him. 

I grabbed a blanket from his room and draped it over his body, before leaving for morning classes.  

☾  2 years later

Has anyone ever been in a situation that they don’t understand how the fuck they got into it in the first place? Well, that’s me right now. I’m currently at a speed dating event, which I have no clue why I thought would be a good idea. Maybe, it’s the fact that the love department has lacked since I’d met Chan, which was almost 5 years ago. I haven’t felt as strongly about anyone as much as I did for him, which sucks because it makes me sound like a complete wuss. I might as well go bury my love life and kiss it goodbye because I’d rather die alone than be here. Luckily, I have this glass of wine keeping me sane. Never in my life have I felt more like one of those single moms who cries in the corner of the club wearing a fancy cocktail dress with a glass of red wine in hand, wondering what went wrong in their lives, like I do right now. Wow, that was oddly descriptive. So, how this convocation works is everyone’s gathered in a circle with woman all on one side and the men on the other (wow what happened to gender roles not being a thing anymore) and everyone has five minutes to chat, then the men rotate and switch partners. But, if both partners are satisfied with each other, they’ll ring the bell at the center of the table to indicate they’re set with each other for the rest of the event. Don’t get me wrong, I was totally down with the event for the first 20 minutes. Then, I’d ended up chatting with over 10 guys, leaving unsatisfied each time and just lost hope. I figured out that I’m only here to find someone exactly like Chan, in order to get back at him and bring myself closure. But in reality, no one is ever going to compare to him. 

“Rough day?” A familiar voice rang my ears. My heart skipped a beat in relief that he’s here, even though I’ll never come to admit it. My ex-best friend pulled out a rose from the confines of his jacket, handing it over to me.

“If you’re just here to tell me that I was right, you can take that rose and shove it up your ass” I said nonchalantly, acting unfazed by his presence. Even though, I was more than ecstatic he was here. 

“I see you’re still a hard ass” Chan chuckled, shaking his head in amusement at me. It took everything in me not to crack a smile because of the contagiousness of his smile. But, I’m not going to make it easy on him to grant him forgiveness. 

“What on Earth would make you think that’d change?” I cocked up an eyebrow at him, maintaining a poised composure. 

“You look great!” He complimented me, fixating himself in a more casual position, with his elbow wrapped around the top of the chair’s slat. 

“And your hair’s grey. What are you trying to get out of this?” I crossed my arms, giving him a look of bewilderment. “And you better make it quick because you have three minutes left” I continued giving him a hard time, checking my phone for the precise time. 

“Look, I was an asshole and I was in denial more than anything. I didn’t appreciate what I had until it was gone, that I ended up losing my best friend. I can’t tell you how truly sorry I am, Y/N” Chan’s words dripped with sincerity. 

“Well, I’m not disagreeing with you” I snickered playfully, causing Chan to look down at his toes, guiltily. “Why are you telling me all this after two years?” 

“You muted all of my calls and texts!” He exclaimed, a hint of a smile cracking through his lips. My mouth formed an ‘oh’ shape in realization, now it was my turn to look down sheepishly. Curses, my impulsiveness. The sound of glasses clicking sounded throughout the room, indicating it was time to switch partners. Without consulting with me, Chan dinged the bell in between us. 

“I never approved” I pouted, but being secretly thrilled he’d done that, so he was mine for the rest of the evening. 

“I don’t ever expect you to forgive me for what I did to you, but I just want to let you know one thing. I’ve always loved you, Y/N. Always have and always will” He sighed, sadly, before initiating eye contact with me. 

I immediately felt my features soften up for him, egging him to continue, “You have every right to think this is bullshit, I wouldn’t blame you. I’ve been in love with you since the moment I met you at debate class. I thought you were so headstrong and honest and beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, you still are, which is one of the reasons I still love you to this day and why I’m here with you right now. Back then, I was scared of rejection and I was incredibly stupid. Then after that one night when we kissed, everything came into place and I fell for you all over again. I didn’t act upon my feelings because I was afraid of ruining our friendship, so I went out and looked for the next perfect girl I could find, just to get over you. But, you know what? I failed. So, I ended up shutting you out and making one of the biggest mistakes of my life” 

“You’re a real asshole, you know that?” I teared up, already forgiving him as soon as he’d gotten here. “But I love you” I chuckled at his priceless reaction, crying happy tears. He arose from his seat, wiping away my tears with the pads of his thumbs. I last saw one of his signature, angelic smiles plastered to his face, dimples seeping through and everything, before he brought our lips together into a belated kiss. 

& that’s the story of how I fell headfirst for the boy in a grey sweatshirt in debate class and reunited with, with grey hair. 

[lavenaaa]

My Journey With Deppression

17/8/2021

Introduction

I’m an introvert. I realize I have depression a few years ago because of my horrible mood swings and I cried most of the time without any reason. Most terribly, I had very frequent suicidal thoughts. But I never took any action because I hope it could go away by itself. I tend to hide my emotions and pretend I am okay all the time because I hate to spread out negative vibes to others. Whenever I know I am depressed, I would rather lock myself in the room until I am managed to hang up my “happy” face. At those time, frequent visit of depression is my daily life and I thought maybe this is just me, I get used to deal with all those pains. I never see any future in me, and I always wonder when will my life end. Today? Tomorrow? Or maybe next week? I don’t get interested in anything and I can’t feel any joy most of the time. I hate myself a lot and I am afraid to be left out. But luckily, I am smart enough to react the way people would expect so that I would get a real happy face in return. I know I seems pretty normal to everyone, including my parents. Sometimes, I tend to wonder whether I really suffer from depression. This continues until I went to college and I met my roommate, Ling. She is one of the main reasons that make me wrote this book.

As I continue college, I realize my depression gone worse. I struggle to perform well as I want to meet up to the good student expectations. I always have an urge to meet up other people’s expectation as that’s the only way I know to get a happy face in return. Until, I realize Ling also suffer from depression. As we get close, we realize a lot of similarity in each other and could really understand each other feelings. As time goes, I realize I am not alone and it can be treated. And this inspired me to get help – visit a psychiatrist. As a saying goes, in order to help others, you must know the way first and I wish I could do something.

In the psychiatric clinic, I was given a set of depression questionnaires to answer and interviewed by the psychiatrist as part of through psychological assessment. The psychiatrist confirmed the depression with anxiety, and I was not surprised with the diagnosis, in fact I feel relieve to know an answer.  This is because even though I realize about my symptoms, I still really wonder whether I suffer from depression. I’ve doubts, plenty of it – I keep thinking that it’s just me instead of depression. I feel very confused, lost and of course, depressed. There are times that I break down and cry. I feel like I’m at a crossroads, not knowing what to do and how to get out of this depressive “shell”.

This is certainly a very challenging assignment as it is painful to write down the stormy journey of depression. My tears flow like a river; my heart oozes with “blood” of sadness. After every page of the journey, I got to make effort to sooth myself.

Nevertheless, I’ve got no regret in taking up this challenge. I now know that I’m not alone; there are many others with similar experiences. I hope that my sharing can help others to have a better understanding of depression. May you be at peace with your depression, able to cope with it and move on meaningfully with life. Last but not least, thank you for your interest and time spent reading my journey.

 1.Hopeless

They are like shadow, always sticking around.

When I’ve relapse of depression, I felt completely hopeless and useless. Feeling frustrated, I wonder why my life has to be this way. What is the point living if I’m going to feel terrible like this repeatedly?!

 2.Useless

Why am I even existed?

I feel I am so useless. I’ve disappointed so many people in my life. Why is life so hard? Whenever I thought about my divorced parent, I would blame myself as the cause of the divorced. If I was cleverer, if only I was behaving better, I am just a bad luck. I am completely useless! 100% useless! – no doubt about that. I often tell myself. I hate myself so much.

 3.Guilt I’m not a good people.

Sometimes, my mood swinging terribly and I needed a quiet moment for myself. As usual, I hid myself in the room. That one day, my sister came in and talked to me. Like a mad girl, I lost completely and yell her out of my room. My sister was frightened by my inexplicable behavior. After I calm down, I felt extremely guilty about my own behavior. What is use that I have read lots of books about self-control.

 4.Burden

I always feel like a burden to my family and my close friends. Everyone is busy with their lives. How much patience and tolerance can they have for me? Deep down inside my heart, I know nobody is interested and patient enough to listen to problems over and over again. In fact, I don’t think anyone can really understand my feelings. Sometimes, I can’t even understand and tolerate myself. I feel frustrated and fed-up with myself when I’m not be able to cope with my negative emotions. I really hate to be a negative spreader. Several times, I was thinking of ending my life so that I don’t have to burden those people whom I care about. Maybe they will feel sad but at the same time relieved. I’ll feel relieve too. Right?

 5.Gloomy evening

I love quiet gloomy weather, as I feel like the world could understand me. Gloomy weather makes me feel connected. Unlike the full spirit energy with the sun, I felt pain as its hard for me to be as motivated and energetic like people around me. Gloomy weather allows shadows of hopelessness, helplessness, loneliness, listlessness to haunt me. It’s a time for battling with depressive and anxiety storms. When that happens, I’ll normally lock myself in and cry profusely. Yes, crying does help to release painful emotions. And crying along the sky allow me to feel less useless.

 6.Suicidal thoughts

Life is full of suffering and pain. Will ending my life be the end of pain? I have no future anyway... Whenever I think of ending my life, I feel sharp pains in my heart, like being stabbed with a knife repeatedly. My family will feel very sad when I’m no longer around. Will they?

 7.Selfharm

I know I’m not supposed to kill myself, but I have no idea what is the point to continue living without having the control power of my emotions and behaviors. Finally, I discovered a way to feel better. Instead of letting depression pain creep in, I choose to hurt myself emotionally willingly. This causes more painful mental torture of depression- I can’t stand it, I’m so helpless. “But, that’s better than ending my life”, I console myself.

 8.Struggle with medicine

The struggle with medicine is not from me but from my mom. Before I finally seek help from a psychiatrist, I’ve done thousands of researches about medicines and I clearly understand that the medicines are important and safe for me. No matter how many times I tried to explains to mom about the effectiveness of medicines, mom still feel very reluctant for me to take them. She is worried about potential side effects and she still refuse to accept I have depression. This causes a lot of stress for me and got me doubt that the medicines will work for me. I still sometimes doubt that I have depression, and think it may not work for me as I don’t have any depression. Maybe it’s a big mistake of wrong diagnosis. And other main reason is because of medical fee is quite a burden. My psychiatrist was kind enough to give me some discount. Soon I realize that medicines are not everything; but they are essential together with other treatments for depression. Such as family support, exercise, nutrition, spirituality, etc.

Medicines are not everything but they are very important.

 9. Not my True Self

In the first month of my medication, I don’t see any different in myself other than calmer in anxiety wise. My mind was full of negative thoughts as usual. As I am used to being depress for a few years. “We will add a new medication,” said my psychiatrist as I struggle about hope of healing. The new medication caused me to slept most of the time for a few days; I slept most of the time as my body needed time to adjust to the new medication. However, I also noticed that the new medication made me feel calmer. The mood was better with less negative thoughts. But I felt weird with my new self as I was used to the me with horrible feelings. I just felt numb. Not really become happier, but just less negative. That really prompted me to look into myself – Who am I?  Which is my true self? What is my purpose of life? What makes me happy?

  10.You are not alone

My depression symptoms are persistently for more than two weeks and it was affecting my daily life. Please seek for help from mental health professionals. Always remember that you’re not alone in coping depression. Depression symptoms includes depressed mood or crying spells, loss of interest or pleasure in most activities, sleeping too much or not able to sleep, slow thinking or movement that others can see, fatigue or low energy, feeling of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt, loss of concentration or indecisiveness and recurring thoughts of death or suicide, etc.

I’m blessed to choose to treat my depression. I feel less lonely these days as I’ve a group of supportive friends with me along this journey; some of them also have depression like me. We hold one another’s hand tightly as we overcome challenges and discover meaningful experience in life. In each battle with depression, I’m becoming stronger and stronger.

 11.New discoveries

Pulling weeds, I need to plant good seed too.

Recently, I had a new hobby – gardening. I started to plant various type of plants including snake plants and pumpkins. In the process of taking care of my plants, I think of a sentence- Mind is like a patch of garden. When my mind is full of weeds, I never bothered to pull out the weeds. Worse still, I “fertilized” them. That’s how I end up with depression and anxiety. Besides pulling out those weeds, I need to plant good seeds in my mind garden so that the flowers and fruit of happiness can grow. I did as advise but was impatient; I dug out all the seeds before they had a chance to sprout and grow.

I realize I tend to do a lot of good deeds like helping friends in all sort of problem and things that are conducive to healing of my depression like exercise, meditation, study about depression, etc. People compliment and thank me for what I do for them. But I still feel that I’m not good enough – I blame, criticize and find fault with myself. To avoid a depressive relapse, I got to constantly remind myself, “You are good enough.” Even though I always doubt myself, I remind myself whatever I’m doing is not perfect but good enough – keep it up and you’re on your way to recovery.

Everyone will respond differently when depression hit them. Depression is not by choice but respond is by choice. I know that I can’t depend on my medication. I’m responsible for my healing. Psychiatrist can only guide but not support me all the time.  

 12.Lets be friends

 Dear depression,

You ruined me by intruding my life. You create so many painful emotions and sufferings. Do you know how much I hate you? You have spoiled everything. Worse, you even introduce me your “friends” – hopelessness, helplessness, uselessness, loneliness, guilt and anxiety. They take turns to visit and torture me – it felt terrible! I’m frustrated and don’t know how to deal with you. I can only hug myself and let you torture me. I’m very sick of you, of us. In order to make a change, I have thought of a way – to be a friend to you. If I can’t beat you, at least allow me to make peace with you. I’m sorry I didn’t take care of you since the day we met each other. Sorry for being rude to you as I always chased you out from the door and treat you like a monster. Thank you for coming into my life. You make me stronger and wiser. Because of you, I learn that I need to love myself more. I can also share “our story” and “relationship” with others. I will welcome your visits and learn from you. I believe that everything happens for a good purpose. I might not find out the purpose for now, but I have faith that it’s just a matter of time that the understanding will unfold itself.

I’m sure you are my teacher that will guide me towards a more meaningful life. Who knows – because of you, I will have the chance and knowledge to help people with depression and other mental illness one day? Let’s march forward, transforming Depression into wisdom and compassion.

I’m grateful to have you with me in this life journey. You have given me an opportunity to see things in a different perspective, clearer and better.

“He who has a WHY to live can bear almost any HOW” - Friedrich Nietzsche

I love you, my dear depression.

 With love,

Lavena.

  13.What Depression benefits me?

1.      I’m more empathetic. I understand more about people with depression.

2.      Depression helps me to reprioritize my life

3.      I understand and accept that I can’t control everything in life

4.      I appreciate life more. I’m grateful that I’m alive

5.      I know who are the ones who really care for me

6.      I’m more kind to others.

7.      Depression is like a compass; It reminds me about self-care and focusing on what’s important in life.

8.      I have learned to be less serious and laugh at myself.

9.      I realize I’m not weak, in fact I’m stronger than I could imagine. If a person could survive from mental illness, this person could deal with anything in life.

Content of my book.

[vincentcheungteam]

SAMSON AND HIS FAITH

PREFACE TO 2003 EDITION

When people refer to Samson, we often hear Delilah mentioned in the same breath, much like how Bathsheba is often associated with David. Nevertheless, many people are aware that the biblical record of David is not limited to his affair with Bathsheba, and that in the final analysis, he was "a man after [God's] own heart" (1 Samuel 13:14). But the same is not true concerning Samson. In many people's thinking, Samson is inseparably connected to Delilah, and they seem to think that the entirety of his life as recorded in Scripture has to do with his moral weaknesses and sexual lusts. Thus they say that he is the classic case of one who has "charisma without character."

However, that is an incomplete and inaccurate portrayal of his life. The Scripture's own commentary on Samson is that he was a man of faith, one of whom "the world was not worthy" (Hebrews 11:38). Given this biblical perspective, if you read the biblical record about Samson with the presupposition that his life had consisted of only his moral failures and ultimate downfall, then you are bound to miss his significance.

In this book, we will begin not with the usual distorted view, but with the Scripture's own perspective toward Samson – that is, no matter what flaws he had, he had "gained approval" (Hebrews 11:2, NASB) from God through faith. Therefore, instead of reading sins and lusts into all the passages about Samson, we will read them with the intention of learning from his faith. When we read his life's story with this scriptural presupposition, the biblical record concerning him will be better understood, and what the story of his life has to teach us will be more apparent.

1. SAMSON'S FAITH

We will not begin from Judges 13, where the biblical narrative about Samson's life actually starts. Rather, since most people read his story with false presuppositions in mind, we will first correct them by examining the Bible's own commentary on the life of Samson. Having done that, we will be able to study him from the correct perspective.

Hebrews 11:1-2, 6, 32-38 says:

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for….

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him….

And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel and the prophets, who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. Women received back their dead, raised to life again. Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated – the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground.

According to verses 1-2, the men and women listed in Hebrews 11 – including Samson – were commended for their faith, that they had "gained approval" (NASB) from God by their faith.

God does not grant his approval to things for which many people think they should get credit. God does not approve or disapprove of us because of our race, gender, or social standing, nor does he accept us because of our good works. He cares about whether or not we have faith, granted by his sovereign grace. Jesus asks in Luke 18:8, "When the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?" Is there true faith in your heart, or is there only unbelief and rebellion?

Then, Hebrews 11:6 says, "without faith it is impossible to please God." Those who approach God must believe that he exists, and that he "rewards those who earnestly seek him." The people listed in Hebrews 11 were imperfect. The list includes great men like Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, and Moses. These were not weak believers, but they were people who had committed sins.

Moses sinned by disobeying God in the wilderness. As God says to him in Deuteronomy 32:49-52,

Go up into the Abarim Range to Mount Nebo in Moab, across from Jericho, and view Canaan, the land I am giving the Israelites as their own possession. There on the mountain that you have climbed you will die and be gathered to your people, just as your brother Aaron died on Mount Hor and was gathered to his people. This is because both of you broke faith with me in the presence of the Israelites at the waters of Meribah Kadesh in the Desert of Zin and because you did not uphold my holiness among the Israelites. Therefore, you will see the land only from a distance; you will not enter the land I am giving to the people of Israel.

David also sinned. He first committed adultery with Bathsheba. When she became pregnant, David murdered her husband. God sent the prophet Nathan to confront David, saying, "Why did you despise the word of the LORD by doing what is evil in his eyes? You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites" (2 Samuel 12:9).

So these were imperfect people, but they are included here in Hebrews 11. This is because they did not please God by their good works, but by their faith. God was satisfied with them because of their faith, but even this faith came to them by the sovereign will of God, and did not originate from their own decisions, so that there was no room for boasting. As Psalm 130:3-4 says, "If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared." God gave them the gift of faith, and sovereignly forgave them of their sins.

After citing a number of examples on how various characters were justified before God by faith, verse 38 says that "the world was not worthy of them." In all its rebellion and wickedness, the world is unworthy of those who have faith in God. Many people claim to be Christians, but most of them do not regard "disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt" (Hebrews 11:26). Thus their faith is false, and they are in fact non-Christians, and will suffer endless torment in hell. If you really have the faith that God sovereignly gives to his chosen ones, then you will manifest the signs of faith like these people listed in Hebrews 11.

Some people may be surprised to find Samson listed along with the great fathers of the faith such as Abraham and Moses. They may protest, "What about Delilah?" Well, what about her? The story of Samson is not about Delilah. Those who think that his story is mainly about his immorality and lack of self-control are sorely misinformed. Here in Hebrews 11, he is commended for his faith.

Thus when we study the life of Samson, we should not focus all our attention on Delilah, nor should we look for indications of sexual lust where there is none. Rather, we should try to find his faith. What made him so great? What did God cause Samson to believe so strongly that Samson was able to delight the heart of God? We will truly understand the story of Samson as told in the Bible when we look into the nature of his faith.

The story of Samson is not only about his relationship with Delilah. Samson faces two similar situations in Judges 16:4-20, where Delilah appears, and in Judges 14:12-18. In each instance, information is coerced out of Samson through psychological manipulation by a woman – that is, through crying, nagging, and words such as, "You don't really love me." Although sexual issues may have had something to do with it, the direct cause for Samson's downfall was not his sexual lust, but his vulnerability to manipulation by women.

Contrary to the Bible's own perspective in Hebrews 11, not many books and commentaries portray Samson in a positive light. Although his life may warn us about sexual sins, it has more to teach us than that. Most professing Christians nowadays lack Samson's faith, partly because most who claim to be Christians are not true Christians. One of our main concerns should be to discover and imitate his faith.

Make no mistake about it – Samson had his weaknesses, and they ultimately cost him his life. The point is that his problems were not what most people think they were, and that overall, the Scripture acknowledges him as a person of faith.

2. HIS HISTORY

The Book of Judges records a recurring cycle of sin and idolatry in Israel's history. Whenever a godly leader died, the people would plunge themselves far into idolatrous worship. God would then allow them to be conquered by their enemies. After some time, when they began to groan in repentance, God would send them a deliverer to release them from bondage. But the people refused to learn their lesson, and they returned to sin and idolatry after the deliverer died. Thus the whole cycle would begin again. The story of Samson begins at the outset of such a cycle: "Again the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the LORD, so the LORD delivered them into the hands of the Philistines for forty years" (Judges 13:1).

In this chapter, instead of going straight into the story of Samson, we will first study this recurring pattern, since this will give us some background about the circumstances surrounding his birth and his work. In addition, Christians can learn some valuable lessons from this destructive cycle in which the Israelites remained.

So, we will deal with Judges 13 later. For now, we will turn to Judges 2 to see how these sinful cycles started. The Bible says in Judges 2:7-9:

The people served the LORD throughout the lifetime of Joshua and of the elders who outlived him and who had seen all the great things the LORD had done for Israel. Joshua son of Nun, the servant of the LORD, died at the age of a hundred and ten. And they buried him in the land of his inheritance, at Timnath Heres in the hill country of Ephraim, north of Mount Gaash.

Joshua was a close follower of Moses, and he became the leader of Israel after the death of his mentor. Joshua led the people well. Verse 7 says, "The people served the LORD throughout the lifetime of Joshua and of the elders who outlived him and who had seen all the great things the LORD had done for Israel."

Many miracles happened when Moses led Israel. The nation witnessed the Ten Plagues, the parting of the Red Sea, the pillar of fire and the pillar of cloud, and other spectacular wonders. God also demonstrated his power when Joshua led Israel. During one battle, in response to Joshua's words, God's power was so evident such that even "the sun stood still, and the moon stopped, till the nation avenged itself on its enemies, as it is written in the Book of Jashar. The sun stopped in the middle of the sky and delayed going down about a full day" (Joshua 10:13). The fall of Jericho is another example of the great victories that God granted to Israel under Joshua's leadership.

The Scripture says that while Joshua and the elders of his generation were alive, the people of Israel served God. But "after that whole generation had been gathered to their fathers, another generation grew up, who knew neither the LORD nor what he had done for Israel" (Judges 2:10). The implication is that the previous generation had failed to teach this new generation about God's mercy and power in their deliverance from Egypt and their conquest of Canaan. However, when God gave his laws to Israel and worked wonders among them, he intended for the record of his words and works to be taught to future generations so that they may also learn to fear and worship him.

When God instituted the Passover, he said,

Obey these instructions as a lasting ordinance for you and your descendants. When you enter the land that the LORD will give you as he promised, observe this ceremony. And when your children ask you, "What does this ceremony mean to you?" then tell them, "It is the Passover sacrifice to the LORD, who passed over the houses of the Israelites in Egypt and spared our homes when he struck down the Egyptians." (Exodus 12:24-27)

If the previous generation had faithfully observed the Passover and explained it to the next generation, how was it that the latter "knew neither the Lord nor what he had done for Israel"? The previous generation must have failed to perform their duty.

After parting the river of Jordan to let the people of Israel cross over to Canaan, God commanded them to construct a monument of stones:

…to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, "What do these stones mean?" tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever. (Joshua 4:6-7)

To illustrate the point further, Deuteronomy 6:4-9, 20-25 reads as follows:

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates….

In the future, when your son asks you, "What is the meaning of the stipulations, decrees and laws the LORD our God has commanded you?" tell him: "We were slaves of Pharaoh in Egypt, but the LORD brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand. Before our eyes the LORD sent miraculous signs and wonders – great and terrible – upon Egypt and Pharaoh and his whole household. But he brought us out from there to bring us in and give us the land that he promised on oath to our forefathers. The LORD commanded us to obey all these decrees and to fear the LORD our God, so that we might always prosper and be kept alive, as is the case today. And if we are careful to obey all this law before the LORD our God, as he has commanded us, that will be our righteousness."

God was very explicit when he commanded the people of Israel to obey his laws, and to teach them to future generations. Therefore, the answer to why the next generation "knew neither the Lord nor what he had done for Israel" must rest in that the generation led by Joshua failed to teach their children about God's works and to train them to obey God's laws.

Today's "Christian" parents are not doing any better – they do not teach their children to worship and obey God, to study and affirm Christian doctrines, and to reject and refute all non-Christian beliefs and religions.

Some parents say, "Let the children decide what they want to believe, or what religions they wish to adopt." Now, they tell their children to refuse gifts and rides from strangers, to avoid touching a hot stove, and to stay away from sharp objects. They tell them to look when crossing the streets, to study hard at school, and to choose their friends with care. But when it comes to the most important matter in life they suddenly "let them decide," and avoid giving them strict and thorough admonitions about the truth. Why not "let them decide" on whether or not they will attend school? Why not "let them decide" on whether or not they will use drugs? Why not "let them decide" on whether or not they will steal and murder?

When it comes to religion, these parents let their children select from hundreds of options. They claim to be Christians, so they supposedly believe that there is only one way that leads to life, and that all the non-Christian beliefs and religions inevitably lead all of their adherents to endless conscious torment in hell. But still, these parents think that they should let their children decide by not teaching them biblical doctrines and not raising them according to biblical principles. We expect non-Christian parents to be like this, but even some parents who claim to be Christians believe the same way. Then, they have the audacity to say that they love their children!

If you follow any form of this unbiblical "let them decide" approach, then you have nothing but hate for your children. You have committed a great sin against God, and you are a very wicked person. Scripture commands you to teach your children the Christian faith as truth, and to teach your children that all non-Christian beliefs and religions are false. If you refuse to do this, it may be that you are not a Christian yourself, and that your destiny is endless conscious torment in hell.

Although only God can sovereignly grant faith to those whom he has chosen, it is your duty to teach your children the Christian faith, and to teach them that it is the only true faith. If you are truly convinced that your God is the only true God, that Jesus Christ is the only savior, and that the Bible is the only divine verbal revelation, then should you not at least "train a child in the way he should go" (Proverbs 22:6)? No loving and devout parent would do otherwise.

If you have been neglecting this important and sacred duty, as most parents do, then you must immediately repent of your great wickedness and begin to obey the Bible in your parenting. Tell your children about Christianity, and explain to them why it is the only true and rational system of belief.[1] Take them to church, read them the Bible, and train them in theology and apologetics. The Scripture commands you to constantly be teaching your children the laws of God: "Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates" (Deuteronomy 6:7-9).

In addition, tell your children about the other systems of thoughts that they will encounter at school and from friends, and explain to them why their non-Christian beliefs are all false and wicked. Demonstrate to them how all non-Christian thoughts and religions can be conclusively refuted. Training in theology and apologetics is the most important part of your parenting.

Similar to many people who claim to be Christians in our time, Joshua's generation neglected the spiritual development of their children, and an entire generation grew up that did not know the ways and the works of God: "Then the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the LORD and served the Baals. They forsook the LORD, the God of their fathers, who had brought them out of Egypt. They followed and worshiped various gods of the peoples around them. They provoked the LORD to anger because they forsook him and served Baal and the Ashtoreths" (Judges 2:11-13).

This new generation began to follow the "various gods of the peoples around them." They were not taught by their parents to serve the God who brought them out of Egypt, so they were instead influenced by those who were around them, and eventually began to serve their gods. Likewise, if you do not teach and influence your children, other people probably will. There are many people who are eager to tell your children what to do and what to believe.

Because of Israel's unfaithfulness, "In his anger against Israel the LORD handed them over to raiders who plundered them. He sold them to their enemies all around, whom they were no longer able to resist. Whenever Israel went out to fight, the hand of the LORD was against them to defeat them, just as he had sworn to them. They were in great distress" (Judges 2:14-15).

This is how each cycle of sin and idolatry occurred. When a strong leader was presiding over the affairs of Israel, the people would serve God. But when the leader died and the people had failed to instruct their children about the things of God, the next generation would grow up without knowledge of the ways and the works of God. Instead, they were influenced to serve false gods by the nations surrounding them. As a result, they "provoked the Lord to anger," and God would hand them over to their enemies.

We see an analogous pattern in our society. "Christian" parents are failing to instill biblical ideas and habits into their children, and as a result, these children are being influenced by unbelievers to adopt unbiblical ideas and habits. Many of these children end up becoming detestable idolaters, worshiping celebrities, money, and false gods, instead of worshipping Jesus Christ. Then comes judgment and captivity, and they become slaves to sin, being entangled in a web of filth and wickedness.

In his sovereign grace and mercy, God did not leave the people of Israel in their pitiful condition: "Then the LORD raised up judges, who saved them out of the hands of these raiders" (Judges 2:16). Likewise, God has been raising up ministers who are knowledgeable of the Scripture and bold in their speech. They are as deliverers who would lead the people of God out of spiritual blindness and captivity, and back into the true worship of God. Those who listen and respond because of God's sovereign work in their minds will escape this destructive cycle of sin. But many people will refuse to listen, and they will continue in that destructive cycle. Their lives will continue to be meaningless, and their minds full of darkness.

These deliverers whom God sent to Israel were called "judges," and they managed to obtain relief for the people of Israel from their enemies. But after that, the people would return to idolatry again:

They did not listen to their judges, for they played the harlot after other gods and bowed themselves down to them. They turned aside quickly from the way in which their fathers had walked in obeying the commandments of the Lord; they did not do as their fathers. When the Lord raised up judges for them, the Lord was with the judge and delivered them from the hand of their enemies all the days of the judge; for the Lord was moved to pity by their groaning because of those who oppressed and afflicted them. But it came about when the judge died, that they would turn back and act more corruptly than their fathers, in following other gods to serve them and bow down to them; they did not abandon their practices or their stubborn ways. (Judges 2:17-19)

God was merciful to the people, and sent them strong leaders to rescue them out of captivity and destruction. However, their hearts were never sincerely devoted to God, so that "it came about when the judge died, that they would turn back and act more corruptly than their fathers, in following other gods to serve them and bow down to them." This happened generation after generation – when a strong leader passed from the scene, the people would return to idolatry.

Therefore the LORD was very angry with Israel and said, "Because this nation has violated the covenant that I laid down for their forefathers and has not listened to me, I will no longer drive out before them any of the nations Joshua left when he died. I will use them to test Israel and see whether they will keep the way of the LORD and walk in it as their forefathers did." The LORD had allowed those nations to remain; he did not drive them out at once by giving them into the hands of Joshua. (Judges 2:20-23)

Although God had shown them mercy, the people of Israel continued to sin against God, and so God determined not to completely destroy their enemies. The surrounding nations would become a bothersome reminder to them, and under God's sovereign control they will persecute the people of Israel whenever they fail to rightly worship and obey God. Thus the people of Israel were never able to fully overcome their adversaries in battle. When their apostasy had become great, God even allowed them to be captured by their enemies.

Now, all the words of Scripture were written for our instruction. As Paul explains, "These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come" (1 Corinthians 10:11). The life of Samson contains lessons for us to learn how to rightly worship and obey God, and this is the purpose of the present study.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ [1] See Vincent Cheung, Systematic Theology, Ultimate Questions, and Presuppositional Confrontations.

3. HIS DESTINY

Coming now to Judges 13:1, where the record of Samson's life begins, we read, "Again the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the LORD, so the LORD delivered them into the hands of the Philistines for forty years." Samson's story begins during another cycle of Israel's apostasy and captivity. God would then raise him up to deliver the people.

Judges 13 continues:

A certain man of Zorah, named Manoah, from the clan of the Danites, had a wife who was sterile and remained childless. The angel of the LORD appeared to her and said, "You are sterile and childless, but you are going to conceive and have a son. Now see to it that you drink no wine or other fermented drink and that you do not eat anything unclean, because you will conceive and give birth to a son. No razor may be used on his head, because the boy is to be a Nazirite, set apart to God from birth, and he will begin the deliverance of Israel from the hands of the Philistines."

Then the woman went to her husband and told him, "A man of God came to me. He looked like an angel of God, very awesome. I didn't ask him where he came from, and he didn't tell me his name. But he said to me, 'You will conceive and give birth to a son. Now then, drink no wine or other fermented drink and do not eat anything unclean, because the boy will be a Nazirite of God from birth until the day of his death.'" (v. 2-7)

Samson was to be a Nazirite. As the Holman Bible Dictionary explains:

[A Nazirite is] a member of a class of individuals especially devoted to God. The Hebrew term means consecration, devotion, and separation. Two traditional forms of the Nazirite are found. One was based on a vow by the individual for a specific period; the other was a lifelong devotion following the revelatory experience of a parent which announced the impending birth of a child. The Nazirite's outward signs – the growth of hair, abstention from wine and other alcoholic products, the avoidance of contact with the dead – are illustrative of devotion to God.[2]

Because Samson was to be a Nazirite, his mother was commanded not to drink any wine or to eat any unclean thing. Samson himself was also required to observe the conditions imposed upon the Nazirite, including not cutting his hair.[3] As he explains to Delilah later, he was "a Nazirite set apart to God since birth" (Judges 16:17).

Samson had a destiny, and "the angel of the Lord" came to tell his mother of God's plan for him. His calling was unique – he was called to a specific task at a specific point in history, and God gave him certain unique abilities to fulfill his task. His strength was supernatural – it was available to him through the Holy Spirit, and not because of any unusual strength inherent in his body. To fulfill God's plan in the way that God had foreordained for it to be done, Samson required the superhuman strength demonstrated in his ministry, which implies that God had called him to a humanly impossible task, and it was only by God's supernatural power that Samson was able to fulfill what God had called him to do.

Since the sovereign God predetermines all things, he has a plan for each of his elect. Although his command for all believers to attain knowledge and holiness applies to every Christian, he indeed assigns different tasks to different Christians, and gives them the corresponding resources by which they must complete their tasks.

Parents must have this in mind, so that they may prepare their children to worship and obey God, and to fulfill the specific tasks that God has for them as outlined in Scripture and arranged by divine providence. To do this, parents must be highly knowledgeable in the word of God. The Bible says that it is by renewing our minds that we will be "able to test and approve what God's will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will" (Romans 12:2). When we desire to know God's will for our lives and for our children we must not look first to extra-biblical sources – visions, dreams, prophecies, or impressions. Rather, we must look to the Scripture.

The Bible continues:

Then Manoah prayed to the LORD: "O Lord, I beg you, let the man of God you sent to us come again to teach us how to bring up the boy who is to be born." God heard Manoah, and the angel of God came again to the woman while she was out in the field; but her husband Manoah was not with her. The woman hurried to tell her husband, "He's here! The man who appeared to me the other day!" Manoah got up and followed his wife. When he came to the man, he said, "Are you the one who talked to my wife?" "I am," he said. So Manoah asked him, "When your words are fulfilled, what is to be the rule for the boy's life and work?" The angel of the LORD answered, "Your wife must do all that I have told her. She must not eat anything that comes from the grapevine, nor drink any wine or other fermented drink nor eat anything unclean. She must do everything I have commanded her." (Judges 13:8-14)

Manoah prayed and asked God to show him how to bring up Samson, that is, to let him know what was to be "the rule for the boy's life and work." Many parents, even those who claim to be Christians, do not take the time to read the Bible and pray to God for instructions on how to raise their children. They often raise their children as the unbelievers do, and often even teach them the unbelievers' values and priorities. Are these parents real Christians in the first place?

Of course, the negligence of the parents does not imply that their children will fail to come to Christ or to fulfill God's plan, "for God's gifts and his call are irrevocable" (Romans 11:29). By God's sovereign grace, his purposes for the elect will stand and succeed. Nevertheless, God commands parents to bring up their children to worship and obey God.

Then, Judges 13:15-22 continues:

Manoah said to the angel of the LORD, "We would like you to stay until we prepare a young goat for you." The angel of the LORD replied, "Even though you detain me, I will not eat any of your food. But if you prepare a burnt offering, offer it to the LORD." (Manoah did not realize that it was the angel of the LORD.) Then Manoah inquired of the angel of the LORD, "What is your name, so that we may honor you when your word comes true?" He replied, "Why do you ask my name? It is beyond understanding."

Then Manoah took a young goat, together with the grain offering, and sacrificed it on a rock to the LORD. And the LORD did an amazing thing while Manoah and his wife watched: As the flame blazed up from the altar toward heaven, the angel of the LORD ascended in the flame. Seeing this, Manoah and his wife fell with their faces to the ground. When the angel of the LORD did not show himself again to Manoah and his wife, Manoah realized that it was the angel of the LORD. "We are doomed to die!" he said to his wife. "We have seen God!"

The angel may have been the pre-incarnate Son of God. More than a few scholars agree that "the angel of the Lord" refers to the person of Jesus Christ before he took on human form. In addition, this "angel" seemed to have accepted worship, having "ascended in the flame" of the sacrifice. Nelson's Illustrated Bible Dictionary explains as follows:

A mysterious messenger of God, sometimes described as the Lord Himself (Gen. 16:10-13; Ex. 3:2-6; 23:20; Judg. 6:11-8), but at other times as one sent by God. The Lord used this messenger to appear to human beings who otherwise would not be able to see Him and live (Ex. 33:20). The Angel of the Lord performed actions associated with God, such as revelation, deliverance, and destruction; but he can be spoken of as distinct from God (2 Sam. 24:16; Zech. 1:12). This special relationship is a mystery similar to that between Jesus and God in the New Testament.[4]

People believed that if a person ever saw God, he would die. Thus in verse 22, Manoah exclaimed, "We are doomed to die! We have seen God!" But his wife reasoned, "If the Lord had meant to kill us, he would not have accepted a burnt offering and grain offering from our hands, nor shown us all these things or now told us this" (v. 23).

Manoah's wife soon "gave birth to a boy and named him Samson. He grew and the Lord blessed him" (v. 24). God performed a miracle in Samson's mother, causing her barren womb to conceive and enabled her to give birth (Judges 13:2-3).

Soon after, "the Spirit of the Lord began to stir him while he was in Mahaneh Dan, between Zorah and Eshtaol" (v. 25), showing the reader that the Spirit of God would sovereignly demonstrate his power in Samson's life and work. It was the Holy Spirit who enabled Samson to do what God had called him to do. Later, Samson would betray the anointing by violating the conditions imposed upon him by God, and the power of his ministry left him – until he was restored.

When God calls you to perform a certain task, he also empowers you by his Holy Spirit. Any degree of success that we attain comes only because of God's sovereign foreordination and the Spirit's empowerment. God sees to it that no one may boast in his presence. Our dependence should not rest on human credentials and resources such as academic degrees, financial support, or strategic relationships.

No one can accomplish what God has called him to do without the anointing of the Holy Spirit. Even those who produced the furniture of the Old Covenant tabernacle were especially anointed by God's Spirit:

Then the LORD said to Moses, "See, I have chosen Bezalel son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, and I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with skill, ability and knowledge in all kinds of crafts – to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, to cut and set stones, to work in wood, and to engage in all kinds of craftsmanship. Moreover, I have appointed Oholiab son of Ahisamach, of the tribe of Dan, to help him. Also I have given skill to all the craftsmen to make everything I have commanded you." (Exodus 31:1-6)

God has called us to "take captive every thought" (2 Corinthians 10:5). As Paul writes, "Who is equal to such a task?" (2 Corinthians 2:16), but then he adds, "but our competence comes from God" (3:5). Thus although we are powerless in ourselves (John 15:5), by the power of the Holy Spirit mere human beings like us can preach and write words that God will use as the means by which he will sovereignly enlighten and transform others.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ [2] Holman Bible Dictionary; Nashville, Tennessee: Holman Bible Publishers, 1991; p. 1011. [3] See Numbers 6:1-22 for the detailed instructions God gave to Moses about the Nazirite. Whereas one usually volunteered to be a Nazirite, God sovereignly imposed the vow upon Samson before he was born. [4] Nelson's Illustrated Bible Dictionary; Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1986; "Angel of the Lord."

4. HIS STRENGTH

By Judges 14, Samson had grown to an age suitable for marriage, and he told his parents that he would like to marry a Philistine woman:

Samson went down to Timnah and saw there a young Philistine woman. When he returned, he said to his father and mother, "I have seen a Philistine woman in Timnah; now get her for me as my wife." His father and mother replied, "Isn't there an acceptable woman among your relatives or among all our people? Must you go to the uncircumcised Philistines to get a wife?" But Samson said to his father, "Get her for me. She's the right one for me." (His parents did not know that this was from the LORD, who was seeking an occasion to confront the Philistines; for at that time they were ruling over Israel.) (Judges 14:1-4)

This passage reflects God's absolute and exhaustive sovereignty – his total control over people and circumstances.

Israel was under the control of the Philistines, and God had chosen and enabled Samson to attack the Philistines and to deliver the Israelites. As the angel said, he would "begin the deliverance of Israel from the hands of the Philistines" (Judges 13:5). When Samson wanted to marry a Philistine woman, his parents were surprised and dismayed. But verse 4 says, "His parents did not know that this was from the Lord, who was seeking an occasion to confront the Philistines."

God had constructed in Samson a destructive weapon against Israel's enemy, and this was his way of deploying it. Samson's desire to marry a Philistine woman was from God. He was sovereign not only deciding the purpose of Samson's life, but also in how he was to accomplish this purpose. By choosing a Philistine woman to be his wife, there would arise an occasion, or opportunity, to "confront the Philistines." The marriage would create an opportunity and a reason for Samson to fight against Israel's enemies.

Nevertheless, since it was against God's preceptive will to marry an unbeliever, it was a sin for Samson to marry this Philistine woman. God was sovereign over Samson, and could cause him to perform righteousness or wickedness according to his own divine will. "Free will" is such a popular and desirable concept for many Christians that they are blind to the Bible's absolute rejection of free will. Rather, Scripture teaches that God controls everything, including all human decisions.

In this case, God's decretive will caused Samson to commit this sin of marrying an unbeliever, having decided that Samson would accomplish the divine purpose in such a manner. Nevertheless, it was still a sin, and Samson was still responsible for his action, since responsibility is based on whether God holds someone accountable, and not on whether the person was able to do otherwise.

One commentator writes, "While Samson's desire was sinful, God sovereignly used it for his own purposes to bring judgment on the Philistines. Although God's providence incorporates evil and moral ambiguities, it does not justify wrongdoing."[5] God's decree for a person to sin does not justify his sin because God himself will count or judge that sin as wicked. However, this does not mean that God is unjust, since it is God himself who decides what is just and what is unjust, and he says that he is always just. Therefore, it is just for God to judge a person for his sins, even though this person committed those sins only because God had decreed that he would do so.

Of course, as a parent you should never allow your child to do anything that is against God's preceptive will – that is, his commands as revealed by Scripture. In this case, Samson's parents resisted, but eventually capitulated to his demand. Children may often demand something that goes against God's precepts, and it is up to the parents to insist on obedience to Scripture.

But sometimes the reverse may be true. The child may find himself having to insist on obeying God contrary to the wishes and demands of his parents. This may be especially true when one is called by God to the ministry. Today's parents, even those who claim to be Christians, are often disappointed when God chooses their child to be a preacher. As Jesus states, "No prophet is accepted in his hometown" (Luke 4:24). This demonstrates how far their minds have wandered from God.

Rather than being disappointed or even horrified, parents ought to be most thankful to God that he has chosen their child to be a minister – to hold the highest office available to a man. A lack of gratitude toward God for calling the child is not only tragic for the parent and child relationship, but it is sinful and wicked, seeing that they despise the gift and calling of God. They would prefer that their child become a slave to money rather than a slave to Jesus Christ. They may claim to be Christians, but it is likely that their faith is not genuine and that they have never been regenerated in the first place.

Those who are called to the ministry must not be too eager for the approval of relatives and friends, lest they compromise God's commission toward them. Jesus had predicted that his coming would destroy many human relationships: "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn 'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law – a man's enemies will be the members of his own household'" (Matthew 10:34-36).

But Jesus also promised to reward those who would remain loyal to him and prefer him in all things regardless of family opposition: "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life" (Matthew 19:29). He also warns, "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it" (Matthew 10:37-39).

Some people claim that true religion would never divide relatives or friends, and if your faith damages your relationship with relatives and friends, then your faith must be false or distorted. However, Scripture teaches that true faith will often divide relatives and friends, probably depending on whether they share your faith. Of course, if accurately affirming the Christian faith divides you from your relatives and friends who do not share this faith, and if you are not bringing this division about by any unbiblical aggravation, then such division is their fault and not yours. Since Christianity is the only true religion, they ought to be affirming the same things that you now affirm.

The family of Jesus had not always understood or supported him. For example, we read the following in Luke 2:42-50:

When he was twelve years old, they went up to the Feast, according to the custom. After the Feast was over, while his parents were returning home, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but they were unaware of it. Thinking he was in their company, they traveled on for a day. Then they began looking for him among their relatives and friends. When they did not find him, they went back to Jerusalem to look for him. After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers. When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, "Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you." "Why were you searching for me?" he asked. "Didn't you know I had to be in my Father's house?" But they did not understand what he was saying to them.

Other passages imply that his family did not endorse his work. Matthew 12:46-50 is one example:

While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you." He replied to him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."

Matthew Henry writes as follows:

Christ was interrupted in his preaching by his mother and his brethren…perhaps it was only designed to oblige him to break off…His mother and brethren stood without, desiring to speak with him, when they should have been standing within, desiring to hear him…Frequently those who are nearest to the means of knowledge and grace, are most negligent. Familiarity and easiness of access breed some degree of contempt…They not only would not hear him themselves, but they interrupted others that heard him gladly. The devil was a sworn enemy to our Saviour's preaching. He had sought to baffle his discourse by the unreasonable cavils of the scribes and Pharisees, and when he could not gain his point that way, he endeavoured to break it off by the unseasonable visits of relations…We often meet with hindrances and obstructions in our work, by our friends that are about us, and are taken off by civil respects from our spiritual concerns.[6]

John 7:3-5 makes explicit the resistance of Jesus' brothers toward his ministry: "Jesus' brothers said to him, 'You ought to leave here and go to Judea, so that your disciples may see the miracles you do. No one who wants to become a public figure acts in secret. Since you are doing these things, show yourself to the world.' For even his own brothers did not believe in him." Some of Jesus' brothers believed on him later, but at first they did not.

Your commitment toward Christ must be such that there would not be any struggle or anguish to put him first if your loyalty to him conflicts with your loyalty to family and friends. Jesus said, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters – yes, even his own life – he cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:26). If you cannot do this, you are not even a Christian, and you are still unconverted.

Then, the Bible continues in Judges 14:5-6:

Samson went down to Timnah together with his father and mother. As they approached the vineyards of Timnah, suddenly a young lion came roaring toward him. The Spirit of the LORD came upon him in power so that he tore the lion apart with his bare hands as he might have torn a young goat. But he told neither his father nor his mother what he had done.

Back in Judges 13:25, we came across the words, "the Spirit of the LORD began to stir him," but the verse does not tell us what the Spirit would do through him. Thus the above passage shows for the first time what special gift God gave to Samson, and in what special way the Spirit would manifest through him. "There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit" (1 Corinthians 12:4) – the Spirit illuminated Joseph about dreams, caused Samuel to prophesy, and enabled David to rule as king. By the same Spirit, God gave to Samson the gift of supernatural strength.

God called Samson to deliver Israel from the Philistines, but he did not give Samson a gift of military leadership. Indeed, Samson had no army and he did not need one. God could have given Samson the wisdom and ability of a military leader, as he did to Joshua and Gideon, who led the people of Israel to fight against their enemies, at times against tremendous odds, and were victorious by the power of God. But God had given Samson the strength of an entire army.

After killing the lion, Samson "told neither his father nor his mother what he had done" (Judges 14:6). Most people would tell everyone they know if they were to accomplish such a feat of strength, but Samson did not tell his parents. It appears that Samson did not think that killing a lion with his bare hands was some great feat to boast about. This was not because he was especially humble, but probably because something like this was not too unusual or surprising to him. When we see his reactions to his future feats of strength, we will see that this inference is probably correct.

Judges 14:7-9 continues to say:

Then he went down and talked with the woman, and he liked her. Some time later, when he went back to marry her, he turned aside to look at the lion's carcass. In it was a swarm of bees and some honey, which he scooped out with his hands and ate as he went along. When he rejoined his parents, he gave them some, and they too ate it. But he did not tell them that he had taken the honey from the lion's carcass.

Samson went to the Philistine woman and talked with her. As he was returning to her after a time to marry her, he remembered the lion's carcass and so went to look. There he found a swarm of bees and some honey.

No sooner had we witnessed the divine gift in Samson do we see him betraying it. Samson was a Nazirite and was not supposed to touch the dead: "Throughout the period of his separation to the LORD he must not go near a dead body. Even if his own father or mother or brother or sister dies, he must not make himself ceremonially unclean on account of them, because the symbol of his separation to God is on his head" (Numbers 6:6-7). But Samson touched the lion carcass and even ate from its corpse.

The fact that Samson was able to tear a lion apart with his bare hands, and that he did not think it was a big deal, implies that he had great faith in God's power. However, this passage shows that he did not take his Nazirite vow seriously enough. Although he appeared to have faith in the Lord, his faith was severely marred because he lacked the fear of the Lord. One who does not fear the Lord can do some foolish things. Since "the fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom" (Psalm 111:10), all who do not fear him have not even started to become wise. This lack of godly fear ultimately led to Samson's downfall. His greatest problem was not Delilah.

Jesus said, "I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him" (Luke 12:4-5). Fearing God was what Samson failed to do. Perhaps his view of God was distorted so that he had some confidence in God's power but failed to recognize God's holiness, and the seriousness of his Nazirite commitment. He demonstrated no fear that he might have done something to offend God. This attitude would prove to be fatal, but not before God changed him and accomplished his sovereign decree through him.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ [5] Spirit of the Reformation Study Bible; Zondervan, 2003; p. 369. See also Vincent Cheung, Systematic Theology. [6] Matthew Henry's Commentary on the Whole Bible; Hendrickson Publishers, Inc., 1991; p. 1676.

5. HIS WEAKNESS

One of Samson's character flaws was that he lacked the fear of God, and this was the ultimate cause of his downfall. This chapter brings us to another of his character flaws that turned out to be the immediate cause of his downfall.

We will begin by reading from Judges 14:10-14:

Now his father went down to see the woman. And Samson made a feast there, as was customary for bridegrooms. When he appeared, he was given thirty companions. "Let me tell you a riddle," Samson said to them. "If you can give me the answer within the seven days of the feast, I will give you thirty linen garments and thirty sets of clothes. If you can't tell me the answer, you must give me thirty linen garments and thirty sets of clothes." "Tell us your riddle," they said. "Let's hear it." He replied, "Out of the eater, something to eat; out of the strong, something sweet." For three days they could not give the answer.

The passage refers to Samson's wedding. We noted earlier that although Samson sinned by marrying a Philistine woman, God had sovereignly decreed Samson to commit such a sin so that Samson would gain the opportunity and reason to attack the Philistines.

Verses 10 and 11 say, "And Samson made a feast there, as was customary for bridegrooms. When he appeared, he was given thirty companions." According to the custom of that time, Samson gave a wedding feast, and while the bridegroom had "companions," the bride had "virgins" with her.

During the feast, Samson challenged the Philistines to solve a riddle within seven days. Orientals were fond of riddles as a form of entertainment, especially on such occasions. Here the loser was to give the winner "thirty linen garments and thirty sets of clothes." The "linen garments" were worn next to the body, often by people of rank and wealth, and the "clothes" refers to outer woolen clothing. Since these were expensive items, there was much at stake.

The Philistines still had not come up with the answer by the third day, and so they threatened Samson's wife:

For three days they could not give the answer. On the fourth day, they said to Samson's wife, "Coax your husband into explaining the riddle for us, or we will burn you and your father's household to death. Did you invite us here to rob us?" Then Samson's wife threw herself on him, sobbing, "You hate me! You don't really love me. You've given my people a riddle, but you haven't told me the answer." "I haven't even explained it to my father or mother," he replied, "so why should I explain it to you?" She cried the whole seven days of the feast. So on the seventh day he finally told her, because she continued to press him. She in turn explained the riddle to her people. Before sunset on the seventh day the men of the town said to him, "What is sweeter than honey? What is stronger than a lion?" Samson said to them, "If you had not plowed with my heifer, you would not have solved my riddle." (Judges 14:14-18)

The riddle was really about the lion Samson killed and the honey he later found in its carcass (Judges 14:5-9). No one really knew the answer to it except Samson – he had not even told his parents what happened on the road to Timnah, and when his wife asked him for the answer, he said, "I haven't even explained it to my father and mother, so why should I explain it to you?" It was important for the Philistines to solve the riddle, because both money and pride were at stake. They were not about to be outwitted by an Israelite! So in verse 15, they threatened Samson's wife to get the answer from her husband.

Thus Samson's wife pressed her husband for the answer to the riddle and would not relent: Then Samson's wife threw herself on him, sobbing, "You hate me! You don't really love me. You've given my people a riddle, but you haven't told me the answer." "I haven't even explained it to my father or mother," he replied, "so why should I explain it to you?" She cried the whole seven days of the feast. So on the seventh day he finally told her, because she continued to press him. She in turn explained the riddle to her people. (Judges 14:16-17)

This brings us to Samson's other major weakness. We are not referring to sexual lust, since even if one can show that lust was one of his problems, it was never the immediate cause of his downfall. Rather, we are referring to his vulnerability to manipulative women.

Every unregenerate person has the inclination to manipulate others for selfish purposes. This evil tendency comes naturally to all non-Christians and should not surprise us. It is only by God's sovereign work of regeneration and sanctification in us that it may be changed. It does not matter if you claim to be a Christian, or if your lips call Jesus as "Lord" – if your basic motivation is self-preservation, then you are not a Christian, and you have never been a Christian. You may call him "Lord," but you do not believe it, and you have never meant it:

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters – yes, even his own life – he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple….In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. (Luke 14:26-27, 33)

In this case, we are referring to psychological manipulation coming from a woman. She "cried the whole seven days of the feast" (v. 17), and said to Samson such things as, "You hate me! You don't really love me. You've given my people a riddle, but you haven't told me the answer" (v. 16). This kind of manipulation is demonic. Christian women should never try to manipulate men like this, and Christian men should become immune to such manipulation, but rather disallow it altogether.

Of course, although psychological manipulation is sinful, not every type of control is wrong. God places people in positions of authority to exercise legitimate control over others according to his purposes. For example, he has instituted positions of authority in the family, the government, and the church:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:22-24)

Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. (Romans 13:1)

Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no advantage to you. (Hebrews 13:17)

Although human beings often abuse what God has ordained, this does not negate the fact that he has placed certain people in positions of authority.

Samson's wife was trying to get the answer out of Samson by psychological pressure and manipulation. His specific weakness in this instance was not sexual, but it was his failure to endure or confront manipulation by a woman. It is true that his illegitimate desire for and sinful marriage to this woman placed him in this situation, but he finally gave her the answer to the riddle not because of any sexual urges he had, but it was only because he could no longer endure her constant nagging: "So on the seventh day he finally told her, because she continued to press him" (v. 17).

It seems popular to think that Samson got himself into all his problems because of his allegedly insatiable sexual appetite. However, his weakness in this case was plainly not sexual but psychological. He could not be firm with his wife and tell her to be silent. He could not maintain a decision he had made against a woman's prolonged nagging. Later, Samson would compromise his Nazirite vow for the same reason.

Do you try to get your way with your husband by nagging him? Stop it! It is an evil thing to do, especially if you are badgering him to do something against his biblical agenda for the family, or a biblically permissible decision that he has already made. If you are in the habit of badgering your husband or arguing with him, then you are an annoying and wicked woman:

A foolish son is his father's ruin, and a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping. (Proverbs 19:13)

Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife. (Proverbs 21:9)

Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. (Proverbs 25:24)

A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand. (Proverbs 27:15-16)

Even before Samson surrendered to his wife's manipulation, she had already betrayed her husband by submitting to external threats. Although a woman may badger her husband about various things, one common theme is that the woman may want her husband to conform or measure up to some worldly and non-Christian standard. A wicked woman may become dissatisfied and ashamed when God calls her husband to do something that is not respectable or important according to the world. Instead of placing her trust in God and her husband's spiritual gifts she may attempt to influence him so that he may conform to the worldly standard of what is respectable or important. Instead of taking Samson's side and trusting in him, Samson's wife surrendered to the Philistines' demand so that she manipulated and betrayed her husband. But what she compromised to keep, she later lost anyway.

If your husband has been called to the ministry, you must not allow the values and standards of this world to control your thinking, so that you become of your husband's calling. The world may despise ministers of the gospel, and think that they are unimportant and irrelevant, if not altogether harmful to society. There is no greater calling for a human being than the calling to oversee the flock of God. Instead of pressuring your husband to conform to worldly standard, you should instead defend his calling and encourage him to pursue it with diligence and passion. Do not allow yourself to be the biggest hindrance in his determination to obey God.

On the other hand, if your husband has been called to a profession that even the world deems respectable, do not consider yourself fortunate, but rather be humbled by the fact that God has chosen to withhold the most honorable profession from your husband, and that he has not entrusted him with the most sacred task available to man. Likewise, the husband must never succumb to pressure from relatives and friends to compromise his calling. Jesus said, "No one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age and, in the age to come, eternal life" (Luke 18:29-30).

Samson had lost the challenge, and therefore he owed the Philistines "thirty linen garments and thirty sets of clothes." Judges 14:18-20 tells us how he managed to pay the debt:

Before sunset on the seventh day the men of the town said to him, "What is sweeter than honey? What is stronger than a lion?" Samson said to them, "If you had not plowed with my heifer, you would not have solved my riddle." Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon him in power. He went down to Ashkelon, struck down thirty of their men, stripped them of their belongings and gave their clothes to those who had explained the riddle. Burning with anger, he went up to his father's house. And Samson's wife was given to the friend who had attended him at his wedding.

The Philistines did not play fair, since they threatened Samson's wife to get the answer to the riddle. Now, God "was seeking an occasion to confront the Philistines" (Judges 14:4), and perhaps in revenge for the way the Philistines solved his riddle, Samson went about thirty miles away from where he was, through the territory of the Philistines to a place called Ashkelon. There, Samson "struck down thirty of their men stripped them of their belongings and gave their clothes to those who had explained the riddle." "The Spirit of the Lord came upon him in power" to pay the Philistines by robbing some of their own people!

God had called Samson to be a killing machine against the Philistines. As we examine his life, we will see that he slaughtered the Philistines over what appeared to be personal issues. In reality, God was arranging situations in which he would unleash Samson to bring judgment and destruction against the Philistines.

6. HIS VICTORIES

Samson had lost the challenge of the riddle, and after paying his debt to the Philistines (by robbing other Philistines), Judges 14:19 says, "Burning with anger, he went up to his father's house."

After some time, Samson desired to be reconciled with his wife, and so he went to her:

Later on, at the time of wheat harvest, Samson took a young goat and went to visit his wife. He said, "I'm going to my wife's room." But her father would not let him go in. "I was so sure you thoroughly hated her," he said, "that I gave her to your friend. Isn't her younger sister more attractive? Take her instead." Samson said to them, "This time I have a right to get even with the Philistines; I will really harm them." So he went out and caught three hundred foxes and tied them tail to tail in pairs. He then fastened a torch to every pair of tails, lit the torches and let the foxes loose in the standing grain of the Philistines. He burned up the shocks and standing grain, together with the vineyards and olive groves. (Judges 15:1-5)

Samson was "burning with anger" at how the Philistines were able to solve the riddle and how his wife had betrayed him by giving them the answer. When his anger subsided and he wanted to be reconciled with her, and so he "took a young goat and went to visit his wife." But when he arrived, "her father would not let him go in," but explained, "I was so sure you thoroughly hated her that I gave her to your friend."

The father thought that Samson must have "thoroughly hated her" because of her betrayal. The word translated "hated" here may have been a technical word when used in the context of marriage, and implies the intention to divorce:

If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the LORD. Do not bring sin upon the land the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance. (Deuteronomy 24:1-4)

The word translated "dislikes" here in verse 3 by the NIV is the same word translated "hated" in Judges 15:2, and it is correctly translated as such in the KJV. Thus the word "hated" in Judges 15:2 may suggest the idea of divorce, so that Samson's father-in-law may have meant, "I thought you must have divorced her (or wanted to divorce her) after what she did to you."

Samson responded, "This time I have a right to get even with the Philistines; I will really harm them" (v. 3), and he exacted his revenge by burning down the Philistines' crops. The attack was again the result of a personal issue between Samson and the Philistines, but God was fulfilling his plans through all of this. God had apparently decided to have Samson fulfill his calling in this manner. He created Samson to be a killing machine, and he unleashed Samson against the Philistines by generating personal conflicts between them. Recall that the sinful marriage itself was initiated by God to create "an occasion to confront the Philistines" (Judges 14:4).

God is sovereign to do whatever he wants, and to use whatever means he wants to do it. He arranged Samson's circumstances and his reactions so that even the personal details of his life served to fulfill God's plans. Likewise, God arranges our circumstances and our thoughts so that even the personal details of our lives serve to fulfill his plans. However, God is often pleased to have us fulfill his plans through our conscious involvement, but nevertheless a consciousness that is directed by God himself: "The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD; he directs it like a watercourse wherever he pleases" (Proverbs 21:1).

Samson burned down the Philistines' crops by tying three hundred foxes together by their tails, fastened torches to them, and "let the foxes loose in the standing grain of the Philistines." This caused much damage. When the Philistines discovered that it was Samson who attacked them, and that he did it because his wife was given to another, they "went up and burned her and her father to death" (v. 6).

The Philistines had threatened Samson's wife that they would burn her to death if she had not manipulated the answer to the riddle out of her husband. Instead of being faithful and trusting to her husband, the woman betrayed Samson. But eventually she lost what she compromised to keep, so that she and her father were burned to death. If she had sided with her husband, he could have easily protected her against the Philistines.

Christians should never compromise biblical precepts to save themselves, and what you compromise to protect, you are likely to lose anyway. Jesus said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it" (Matthew 16:24-25).

If you desire to have approval of God, but you are desperately seeking approval from your relatives, friends, and unbelievers, then it is likely that you will lose both. If you compromise to gain the approval of unbelievers, then your life no longer pleases God, because "Anyone who choose to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God" (James 4:4).

At the same time, as a Christian, you will also fail to gain the world's respect, since "If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you" (John 15:19). The world will never truly love a Christian, and one who compromises God's approval to gain worldly approval will soon lose both. As long as he remains this way, he will live in misery. Jesus said, "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other" (Matthew 6:24), and Paul reasoned, "No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs – he wants to please his commanding officer" (2 Timothy 2:4).

God's power is more than sufficient to protect us from the world's intimidation, so that we have no reason and no need to compromise. Some people compromise the message of the gospel to attract sinners, or to make themselves more acceptable to the world. But if we do that, do we still get to keep what we are seeking to preserve? No, we would have lost it already. We must come to the place where we can sincerely say with Paul, "I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes" (Romans 1:16).

We do this not through an irrational commitment or "a leap of faith"; rather, by rigorous theological studies and by the assurance of the Spirit, we will realize that the Christian faith is the only true system of belief, and that it is not only rationally superior to all others, but that it is in fact the only possible religion and worldview. In an age when moral and intellectual cowardice and indecision are being disguised as "tolerance," even some who claim to be Christians abandon the uniqueness of our matchless gospel, as if God will be displeased with us for having too much confidence in the infallibility of Scripture and the atonement of Christ! Scripture makes it clear that those who affirm or preach another gospel are not Christians at all, and they will suffer endless conscious torment in hell.

Soon after Samson attacked the Philistines for the second time, he was again provoked against them. When Samson found out what the Philistines did to his wife and father-in- law, he said, "Since you've acted like this, I won't stop until I get my revenge on you." Therefore, "He attacked them viciously and slaughtered many of them. Then he went down and stayed in a cave in the rock of Etam" (Judges 15:8). This was the third attack against the Philistines.

The Bible then quickly leads us to Samson's fourth attack against the Philistines:

The Philistines went up and camped in Judah, spreading out near Lehi. The men of Judah asked, "Why have you come to fight us?" "We have come to take Samson prisoner," they answered, "to do to him as he did to us."

Then three thousand men from Judah went down to the cave in the rock of Etam and said to Samson, "Don't you realize that the Philistines are rulers over us? What have you done to us?" He answered, "I merely did to them what they did to me." They said to him, "We've come to tie you up and hand you over to the Philistines." Samson said, "Swear to me that you won't kill me yourselves." "Agreed," they answered. "We will only tie you up and hand you over to them. We will not kill you."

So they bound him with two new ropes and led him up from the rock. As he approached Lehi, the Philistines came toward him shouting. The Spirit of the LORD came upon him in power. The ropes on his arms became like charred flax, and the bindings dropped from his hands. Finding a fresh jawbone of a donkey, he grabbed it and struck down a thousand men. Then Samson said, "With a donkey's jawbone I have made donkeys of them. With a donkey's jawbone I have killed a thousand men." When he finished speaking, he threw away the jawbone; and the place was called Ramath Lehi. (Judges 15:9-17)

After he "slaughtered many" Philistines, Samson "stayed in a cave in the rock of Etam." The Philistines went up to Judah and demanded that Samson be handed over to them. So the men of Judah came to Samson and said, "Don't you realize that the Philistines are rulers over us? What have you done to us?" In other words, they were saying, "What have you gotten us into? Don't you realize that the Philistines had conquered us, and our nation is currently under their rule? Why do you seek trouble with them?" And they told Samson that they were going to tie him up and surrender him to the Philistines.

Most crowds will yield to the greatest pressure without consideration of God's glory or his precepts. These men of Judah could have trusted in God's power in Samson's life, and recommended a full-scale insurrection, which would have also proved that they were cured from the sin and unbelief that resulted in their subjugation under the Philistines in the first place.

Samson was God's chosen deliverer for Israel. Thus to a great measure, their faith in his ability reflected their attitude toward God. If so, what can we infer from the fact that they abandoned Samson? They could have said, "Samson, we recognize that God has given you supernatural strength, and that he has called you to deliver Israel from the Philistines. We are grateful for God's provision and we have faith in his power, and therefore we also have confidence in you. Now, why don't we take this opportunity to declare war against the Philistine and be rid of them? Let us take this nation back for the glory of God!"

That is what they should have said, but instead, they complained against God's chosen one and said, "What have you gotten us into? Don't you realize that the Philistines are our rulers? We have come to surrender you to them so that they will leave us alone." They have decided to surrender to their enemies the man of God – their only chance for deliverance at that time.

Christian leaders should take a lesson from this. Most people cannot be trusted under pressure. This is true even concerning those who claim to be Christians. Of course, those who would betray God's chosen leaders are probably false converts in the first place. In any case, you would like to think that those who claim to be Christians would remain faithful to God and to you, but most of them are not nearly as committed as they present themselves to be. Most crowds are fickle and easily intimidated by pressure. In fact, most professing Christians are not willing even to sacrifice part of their income for God's kingdom, let alone for you. But is it really that bad? Well, the truth is that you might be like this also. You may make bold claims about your commitment and resolve, but when the pressure comes, you are probably one of those who turn and run.

When Jesus was about to be arrested, he said to his disciples, "This very night you will all fall away on account of me, for it is written: 'I will strike the shepherd, and the sheep of the flock will be scattered'" (Matthew 26:31). But Peter protested, "Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will" (v. 33). Then, Jesus predicted, "This very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times," and it happened just like he said. The other disciples also misjudged their own commitment to Christ: "But Peter declared, 'Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you.' And all the other disciples said the same" (v. 35). But later, "all the disciples deserted him and fled" (Matthew 26:56).

Since what appears to be faith can be false, and since it is possible to misjudge our commitment, a faith that has been tested is priceless. As Job said, "When he has tested me, I will come forth as gold" (Job 23:10), and Peter wrote, "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed" (1 Peter 1:6-7). True faith is rare, but false converts abound. Even Jesus did not place his trust on his disciples, especially untested ones: "Now while he was in Jerusalem at the Passover Feast, many people saw the miraculous signs he was doing and believed in his name. But Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all men. He did not need man's testimony about man, for he knew what was in a man" (John 2:23- 25).

Christian leaders who base their confidence in the number and the loyalty of their supporters are deceived. They do not really have the support that they think they have. Those who place their trust in the crowds may be disappointed when the group faces pressure, or when the organization suffers persecution. Of course, it is possible that some people will remain faithful. The point is that not all who say that they will remain faithful will in fact remain faithful. Ultimately, one can only trust in God, since only he is pure in intention and unlimited in ability: "This is what the LORD says: 'Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD'" (Jeremiah 17:5).

This is not to say that no professing Christian will remain faithful to God and to Christian leaders under pressure, but it remains that not all professing Christians are genuine Christians, and as people who have never undergone spiritual regeneration and sanctification by the Spirit, they can be extremely fickle. On the other hand, a mind regenerated by the Spirit and renewed by the Scripture is also one that is being transformed into the likeness of Christ, enabling one to be bold to stand for the truth in the midst of pressure and intimidation. Scripture teaches that you should never overestimate yourself, and that it is right to test yourself and examine your commitment. Employ the means that God has granted you to grow in faith, so that when tests and trials come, you will be ready for them.

Samson was aware of the people's weakness, but he had enough confidence in God's power working through him that he did not require their assistance. He only asked that they would not try to kill him themselves, but just hand him over to the Philistines:

They said to him, "We've come to tie you up and hand you over to the Philistines." Samson said, "Swear to me that you won't kill me yourselves." "Agreed," they answered. "We will only tie you up and hand you over to them. We will not kill you." So they bound him with two new ropes and led him up from the rock. (Judges 15:12- 13)

There has been much emphasis on "team work" in recent years, and this emphasis has influenced the thinking of many Christians, generating much hostility against the so-called "lone ranger" mentality. However, it really depends on the quality of the team, so that a greater number of people does not always translate into greater success. The effectiveness of any team has much to do with the competence and character of the team members, so that one "Samson" is better than an army of fools.

Now, it is true that God generally desires Christians to work together, and that each person has something meaningful to contribute: "As it is, there are many parts, but one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, 'I don't need you!' And the head cannot say to the feet, 'I don't need you!' On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable" (1 Corinthians 12:20-22).

Nevertheless, it is unbiblical to say that one person is always insufficient. An insistence on "team work" without exception comes more from secular social and business theory than from valid biblical exegesis, and shows little confidence in God's sovereignty and the Spirit's power. David said, "You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall" (Psalm 18:28-29). In another place, he wrote:

O LORD, how many are my foes! How many rise up against me! Many are saying of me, "God will not deliver him." But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side. Arise, O LORD! Deliver me, O my God! Strike all my enemies on the jaw; break the teeth of the wicked. From the LORD comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people. (Psalm 3:1-8)

Although Jeremiah experienced much inner turmoil during his ministry, God had called him to face the rebellious nation alone, and God enabled him to fulfill his mission: "When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, O LORD God Almighty. I never sat in the company of revelers, never made merry with them; I sat alone because your hand was on me and you had filled me with indignation" (Jeremiah 15:16-17).

We should reject every secular theory that undermines the believer's individual potential in Christ, so that we may imitate the faith of Paul, who wrote:

At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen. (2 Timothy 4:16-18)

Although everyone left him, it was sufficient that God alone stood by him and strengthened him. He believed that God would deliver him "from every evil attack," and would bring him "safely to his heavenly kingdom."

Can we say with the apostle Paul, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)? Or, do we say, "We can do all things only through team ministry?" It is better to have a small team made up of spiritual giants rather than to have a large group of spiritual cowards who are psychologically dependent on one another, and where no one individual is truly strong. Otherwise, one is probably better off working by himself.

Samson was depending on God's power, and anything else could not have saved him. Many preachers say that this was precisely his problem – Samson trusted in God and not in people! They say that Samson would have been better off if he had worked with other people. But God himself called Samson to work alone. Besides, those people whom he was supposed to work with were the very ones who had surrendered him to the Philistines. Some falsely infer from Samson's story that if you work alone and trust only in God, then you are going to fail because you are not working with other people. Rather, a more proper inference would be that if you work with people, then you better trust in God to protect you from those people. The point is not that "team ministry" is wrong, since some variations of the concept are biblical, but the point here is that many people make false inferences from the life of Samson to support their ideas on "team ministry."

Samson's willingness to face an army of Philistines by himself reflected his faith in the power of God, although his attitude toward God was far from perfect, as we will see below. Nevertheless, to the extent that he did trust in God's power, we must imitate his faith, and learn to trust in God's power at work in our ministries: "We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me" (Colossians 1:28-29).

Then, as the men of Judah handed Samson over to the Philistines, the power of God came upon Samson:

As he approached Lehi, the Philistines came toward him shouting. The Spirit of the LORD came upon him in power. The ropes on his arms became like charred flax, and the bindings dropped from his hands. Finding a fresh jawbone of a donkey, he grabbed it and struck down a thousand men. (Judges 15:14-15)

Samson killed a thousand Philistines by himself, but earlier, three thousand men from Judah went to Samson just to surrender him to their enemies (Judges 15:11). It is better to have the cooperation of one "Samson," than three thousand "men of Judah" who would betray the man of God at the first sign of trouble.

After Samson "struck down a thousand men," he said, "With a donkey's jawbone I have made donkeys of them. With a donkey's jawbone I have killed a thousand men." In Hebrew, this is a rhymed couplet with a play on words. The NIV has translated it perhaps as fittingly as possible: "With a donkey's jawbone I have made donkeys of them"! Samson's confidence was such that he could make light of situations even like this one.

But then we see what may be another example of his lack of godly fear.

When he finished speaking, he threw away the jawbone; and the place was called Ramath Lehi. Because he was very thirsty, he cried out to the LORD, "You have given your servant this great victory. Must I now die of thirst and fall into the hands of the uncircumcised?" Then God opened up the hollow place in Lehi, and water came out of it. When Samson drank, his strength returned and he revived. So the spring was called En Hakkore, and it is still there in Lehi. (Judges 15:17-19)

He prayed, "You have given your servant this great victory. Must I now die of thirst and fall into the hands of the uncircumcised?" Although he had great confidence in God's power, he failed to address God with reverence. This made him spiritually careless and foolish. He took for granted God's deliverance, so that rather than giving thanks, he demanded God to meet another need. But Paul told us to pray "with thanksgiving" (Philippians 4:6).

7. HIS DOWNFALL

The premise of this book admits that Samson had problems with his character, but the problems that directly led him into trouble were not sexual, but spiritual and psychological. As a Nazirite, although he was supposed to exhibit a high level of devotion to God and to follow certain specific rules, Samson never lived an especially godly life. For example, besides marrying an unbeliever, he had violated his Nazirite vow by touching a lion's carcass and eating from it. Scripture seems to show him as one who had confidence in God's power, but who had very little godly fear.

At the beginning of Judges 16, we do see Samson going to a prostitute:

One day Samson went to Gaza, where he saw a prostitute. He went in to spend the night with her. The people of Gaza were told, "Samson is here!" So they surrounded the place and lay in wait for him all night at the city gate. They made no move during the night, saying, "At dawn we'll kill him." But Samson lay there only until the middle of the night. Then he got up and took hold of the doors of the city gate, together with the two posts, and tore them loose, bar and all. He lifted them to his shoulders and carried them to the top of the hill that faces Hebron. (v. 1-3)

Base on this passage, you should not think that Samson's main problem was sexual after all, since although most people who go to prostitutes may do so to satisfy their sexual lusts, that is often not the sole reason they go. Many sexually promiscuous men are that way because they have spiritual and psychological issues besides sexual ones, such as loneliness and depression.

We have no reason to assume that all the women Samson had been with were only to satisfy him sexually instead of psychologically also. For example, Samson wanted to marry the Philistine woman at Timnah because "he liked her" (Judges 14:7), so that his interests were not only sexual, but he was fond of the woman as a person. Further, if his interests were indeed only of the flesh, then why did he tolerate all the psychological pressure from the woman? Surely, there were attractive women elsewhere.

Even his relationship with Delilah was not only sexual, since the Bible says that he "fell in love" (Judges 16:4) with her. The popular portrayal of this relationship as one of intense seduction and uncontrollable lust cannot be substantiated by the actual biblical account. Lust was likely a factor, but to make it the exclusive factor in that relationship, or even to use it as the main factor to explain the whole of Samson's life, would be an irresponsible distortion of the biblical text.

We must also remember what Samson had been through. He married the woman he loved, but she betrayed him even before the wedding feast was over. When his anger subsided and went to seek reconciliation, he discovered that she had been given away to someone else. Then, after seeking revenge on the Philistines, they burned her and her family to death. After exacting revenge on them again, his own countrymen surrendered him to the Philistines. His parents did not understand him, his wife betrayed him, his own countrymen failed him, and the entire nation of the Philistines was after him.

Men of lesser character may have already killed themselves by this point, let alone going to a prostitute for comfort. This is not to excuse Samson's sins, but to show that many popular presentations of his life tend to be unfair and inaccurate because they do not take into account all the information about him. Of course it was sinful for Samson to have gone to a prostitute, but I am inclined to believe that he was seeking company besides sexual gratification.

When the people of Gaza found out that Samson was there, they "surrounded the place and lay in wait for him all night at the city gate," and planned to kill him. However, Samson "got up and took hold of the doors of the city gate, together with the two posts…and carried them to the top of the hill that faces Hebron." If the "hill that faces Hebron" (NIV) means the top of a hill from which one could see Hebron, then the distance between the gate of Gaza to that location was about one mile. However, if the phrase means a hill that was within Hebron (NASB: "the mountain which is opposite Hebron"), then the distance over which Samson had carried the gate becomes twenty to thirty-four miles. Either way, it was a long distance to have carried an entire city gate. This reminds us of the physical strength that God gave to Samson.

It is not until now that Delilah appeared:

Some time later, he fell in love with a woman in the Valley of Sorek whose name was Delilah. The rulers of the Philistines went to her and said, "See if you can lure him into showing you the secret of his great strength and how we can overpower him so we may tie him up and subdue him. Each one of us will give you eleven hundred shekels of silver." (Judges 16:4-5)

Delilah is first mentioned here in the Bible. We have already gone through Judges 13, 14, and 15, but not until now do we see Delilah mentioned, and we have already arrived at the final chapter in the Bible on Samson's life. As asserted earlier, Samson's story is not mainly, let alone wholly, about his relationship with Delilah.

Rather than saying that Samson's relationship with Delilah was wholly based on sexual lust, verse 4 says that he "fell in love" with her. Of course he fell in love with the wrong woman, but he fell in love nonetheless. Thus I reject the notion that Samson's sexual problem, assuming that he had one, could satisfactorily explain his behavior. Rather, we must take into account his spiritual and psychological problems, such as his lack of devotion to his Nazirite commitment (and therefore to God), his loneliness, and all that he had experienced. It seems that Samson was a passionate person, but he could not keep his feelings under control. He was intensely emotional over the people and events in his life. Rather than encouraging strong emotions, the Bible teaches self-control.

The Philistines said to Delilah, "See if you can lure him into showing you the secret of his great strength and how we can overpower him so we may tie him up and subdue him. Each one of us will give you eleven hundred shekels of silver" (v. 5). Samson was about to be betrayed again by another woman he loved, but this time it was not even for self- preservation, but for money.

Delilah wasted no time, but asked Samson outright, "Tell me the secret of your great strength and how you can be tied up and subdued" (v. 6). If you were Samson, would you not be alarmed? Then, Samson lied to Delilah: "If anyone ties me with seven fresh thongs that have not been dried, I'll become as weak as any other man" (v. 7). The Bible continues in verses 8-12:

Then the rulers of the Philistines brought her seven fresh thongs that had not been dried, and she tied him with them. With men hidden in the room, she called to him, "Samson, the Philistines are upon you!" But he snapped the thongs as easily as a piece of string snaps when it comes close to a flame. So the secret of his strength was not discovered. Then Delilah said to Samson, "You have made a fool of me; you lied to me. Come now, tell me how you can be tied." He said, "If anyone ties me securely with new ropes that have never been used, I'll become as weak as any other man." So Delilah took new ropes and tied him with them. Then, with men hidden in the room, she called to him, "Samson, the Philistines are upon you!" But he snapped the ropes off his arms as if they were threads.

If you were Samson, and someone asked you how he may subdue you, and then proceed to do precisely what you told him, what would you think? It would be clear that the person was trying to harm you. You would have either retaliated or left the relationship. It is unlikely that Samson did not sense the danger at all, or did not know something of Delilah's intentions, but he remained in the relationship, and kept playing with her by lying about the secret of his strength.

Delilah tried again, and said, "Until now, you have been making a fool of me and lying to me. Tell me how you can be tied." She was beginning to use manipulative tactics, but Samson did not surrender right away:

He replied, "If you weave the seven braids of my head into the fabric [on the loom] and tighten it with the pin, I'll become as weak as any other man." So while he was sleeping, Delilah took the seven braids of his head, wove them into the fabric and tightened it with the pin. Again she called to him, "Samson, the Philistines are upon you!" He awoke from his sleep and pulled up the pin and the loom, with the fabric. (v. 13-14)

Then, Delilah escalated her effort, and applied even greater psychological pressure: "Then she said to him, 'How can you say, 'I love you,' when you won't confide in me? This is the third time you have made a fool of me and haven't told me the secret of your great strength'" (v. 15). Compare this to what Samson's wife said earlier: "You hate me! You don't really love me. You've given my people a riddle, but you haven't told me the answer" (Judges 14:16).

Delilah used the same strategy, but she was probably even more skillful. She said things like, "Until now, you have been making a fool of me and lying to me. Tell me how you can be tied," and "How can you say, 'I love you,' when you won't confide in me? This is the third time you have made a fool of me and haven't told me the secret of your great strength."

Samson could have handled it if she had only said these things several times, but he could not withstand relentless nagging: "With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was tired to death" (v. 16)! Before this, Samson played with her by giving her false answers. He did not confront her about her manipulation, nor did he leave the relationship. By failing to firmly deal with Delilah's manipulation, Samson finally became "tired to death" of her "nagging," which she continued "day after day."

At last, he told her the secret of his strength: "'No razor has ever been used on my head,' he said, 'because I have been a Nazirite set apart to God since birth. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man'" (v. 17). The consequences were devastating:

When Delilah saw that he had told her everything, she sent word to the rulers of the Philistines, "Come back once more; he has told me everything." So the rulers of the Philistines returned with the silver in their hands. Having put him to sleep on her lap, she called a man to shave off the seven braids of his hair, and so began to subdue him. And his strength left him. Then she called, "Samson, the Philistines are upon you!" He awoke from his sleep and thought, "I'll go out as before and shake myself free." But he did not know that the LORD had left him. Then the Philistines seized him, gouged out his eyes and took him down to Gaza. Binding him with bronze shackles, they set him to grinding in the prison. (v. 18-21)

Samson sealed his fate by allowing Delilah to take away all signs of his Nazirite commitment to God. Likewise, the devil is "looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8). He will use manipulation, intimidation, deception, and all kinds of distractions in the attempt to have you break your covenant commitment to God. Satan himself deceived Eve, and then used her to tempt Adam, who sinned even though he was not deceived (1 Timothy 2:14). One who does not yield to one type of pressure may yield to another kind. Adam, who was not deceived by the devil, sinned because of Eve. And Samson, who was not in the least afraid of the Philistines, fell because of manipulation from a woman.

Samson's behavior was indeed strange. It was unlikely that he was oblivious to Delilah's intention; otherwise, why did he not tell her the truth about his strength the first time? After the first or second time, he must have known that Delilah's plan was to discover his secret, exploit it, and then hand him over to the Philistines. Knowing this, he could have left Delilah at any time, but he chose to remain.

Again, I am not convinced that his sexual lust could adequately explain this behavior, since his sexual lust could have been satisfied by another woman, In addition, the Bible tells us that he had fallen in love with Delilah. Thus his decision to stay with her should probably be attributed more to psychological factors rather than sexual ones.

Christians must not become overconfident simply because they are strong in certain areas. We must prevent ourselves from stumbling in any way. But ultimately, it will be God who keeps his elect "blameless" to the end (see 1 Corinthians 1:8, 1 Thessalonians 3:13, 5:23). Although we must "work out [our] salvation with fear and trembling," it is "God who works in [us] to will and to act according to his good purpose" (Philippians 2:12-13), so that no one may boast in his presence. The enemy is after our spiritual commitment, and he will entice us to abandon or compromise our relationship with God. Although many are deceived into sin, others walk into trouble with their eyes wide open. Let us not be like Esau, "who for a single meal sold his inheritance rights as the oldest son" (Hebrews 12:16).

8. SAMSON'S COMEBACK

God exercises exhaustive control over all things, including all human thoughts and decisions. By his providence, the Philistines did not kill Samson, but they "seized him, gouged out his eyes and took him down to Gaza. Binding him with bronze shackles, they set him to grinding in the prison" (Judges 16:21). Although he had slaughtered more than a thousand Philistines and destroyed their crops, they did not execute Samson once they had captured him. Perhaps they thought they would make him an example, or maybe after all that Samson had done to them, they wished to humiliate and torture him for a while first. Having "gouged out his eyes" and bound him "with bronze shackles," maybe they thought he was no longer a threat. But God's providence was at work – taking Samson into the important city of Gaza, with or without his eyes, was like taking in a ticking time bomb. Although he was blinded, Samson was God's Trojan horse to the Philistines.

The Philistines "gouged out his eyes," which seemed to be a tragic event, but it was probably the best thing that had ever happened to Samson. He was a passionate, energetic, and outgoing person, but no one understood him. His commitment to God was weak, and he was seeking to satisfy himself by looking for love in all the wrong places. Losing his sight and freedom forced him, perhaps for the first time in his life, to turn inward – to reflect on his life and his commitment to God. Jesus said:

If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out. And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than to have two feet and be thrown into hell. And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell. (Mark 9:43-47)

Paul wrote, "But if we judged ourselves, we would not come under judgment. When we are judged by the Lord, we are being disciplined so that we will not be condemned with the world" (1 Corinthians 11:31-32). By God's sovereign grace, if Samson had repented, then he probably would not have suffered as he did. But as it turned out, he needed divine discipline, so that he would "not be condemned with the world. God works out all things for the good of his elect: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).

God's purposes and plans can never be thwarted by man's disobedience, since man cannot even disobey his precepts without his active decree. Whether blind or seeing, bound or free, God placed Samson where he was supposed to be – right in the middle of the Philistines. God did this to destroy the Philistines, and to save Samson's soul at the same time. Now that Samson could not look outward, and now that he had no strength or freedom, he had to look inward, to examine himself, and to commune with God. We have no indication of him ever having done that. And this is the beginning of his turning back to God.

Many people are so busy today that they blaze forward in their careers without stopping to give priority to prayer, study, and meditation. Their minds are constantly thinking on earthly things and selfish ambitions. Some of them assume that because they are Christians, God will automatically bless them. But if they are not devoted to God, they may not be Christians at all. Some tend to think that material concerns are more urgent, and spiritual matters should be reserved for times when they are "free" – perhaps during vacations, church retreats, or when they retire.

But it is foolish to favor the earthly at the expense of the heavenly: "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?" (Mark 8:36). There is a misleading saying, that one can be "so heavenly minded that he is no earthly good." If this refers to one who seems to be so focused on his spiritual life that he fails to obey God's commandments regarding his relationship with other human beings, then he is not even spiritual in the first place (James 1:27), or at least he has a spiritual defect in this area even though he may be doing well in others. On the other hand, there is no limit to how "spiritual" a person can or should be. Often, this misleading statement is used by those who wish to defend their carnal lifestyle and attitude, and therefore deride those who are genuinely more spiritual. Only if you are spiritual will you be of any earthly good.

Christians must daily take time for prayer and study, shutting out all distractions. Once when Jesus was teaching his disciples, Martha, who had "opened her home to him," "was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made," while her sister Mary "sat at the Lord's feet" and was "listening to what he said." When Martha complained about Mary, Jesus answered that Mary had "chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her" (Luke 10:38-42). Spending time alone in prayer and study is more important than all the outward things that we so often busy ourselves with, including ministry work.

"But the hair on his head began to grow again after it had been shaved" (Judges 16:22). God was not going to leave Samson in that prison forever. The power of the Spirit began to return to him. The Bible continues:

Now the rulers of the Philistines assembled to offer a great sacrifice to Dagon their god and to celebrate, saying, "Our god has delivered Samson, our enemy, into our hands." When the people saw him, they praised their god, saying, "Our god has delivered our enemy into our hands, the one who laid waste our land and multiplied our slain." While they were in high spirits, they shouted, "Bring out Samson to entertain us." So they called Samson out of the prison, and he performed for them. When they stood him among the pillars, Samson said to the servant who held his hand, "Put me where I can feel the pillars that support the temple, so that I may lean against them." Now the temple was crowded with men and women; all the rulers of the Philistines were there, and on the roof were about three thousand men and women watching Samson perform. (v. 23-27)

Samson's failure brought reproach to the God of Israel, since the Philistines interpreted their capture of Samson as the victory of their pagan god, Dagon. Similarly, when Christians fail to properly represent Jesus Christ – when they fail to stand strong in doctrine and character, they bring reproach to his name. Contrary to many people's opinion, your religion is not a purely personal affair – your beliefs and actions will affect other people. At the least, the quality of your faith will affect your family, and if you are a pastor, it will affect your congregation.

Jesus said, You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men" (Matthew 5:13). As Christians, we are the salt of the earth – although sin causes decay, we are the ones who prevent total corruption from taking place. However, "if the salt loses its saltiness," then "it is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men." If the salt loses its flavor, it is no longer acting as a preservative. Being good for nothing, it is thrown out into the streets, to be stepped on by people who walk by.

Without true Christians, society would erode. Without the true church, which is "the pillar and foundation of the truth" (1 Timothy 3:15), what is left of human morality and decency would crumble, purpose and dignity would disappear, godly fear would be not existent in society, and the earth would become the devil's paradise. Only Christians can prevent this from occurring, and whether or not they know it, all non-Christians are doing everything they can to stop us (Matthew 12:30).

However, when professing Christians lose their distinctiveness, or their Christian "flavor," then they become "no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men." When professing Christians compromise their spiritual commitment and lose their flavor, they become overwhelmed by the world, even though the Bible says that they are the ones who should overcome the world because of their faith: "For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God" (1 John 5:4-5). Of course, in many cases, it is likely that these people have never been truly converted in the first place.

Having compromised his spiritual commitment, Samson lost his sight and his freedom to the Philistines. And they mocked him, saying, "Bring out Samson to entertain us," "So they called Samson out of the prison, and he performed for them" (v. 25). Samson was a spiritual hero – he was called by God to be a man of God, a great deliverer, but because of his negligence and his sins, the Philistines captured him, gouged out his eyes, and made him an object of ridicule and amusement.

Then, we come to the amazing conclusion of Samson's life:

Then Samson prayed to the LORD, "O Sovereign LORD, remember me. O God, please strengthen me just once more, and let me with one blow get revenge on the Philistines for my two eyes." Then Samson reached toward the two central pillars on which the temple stood. Bracing himself against them, his right hand on the one and his left hand on the other, Samson said, "Let me die with the Philistines!" Then he pushed with all his might, and down came the temple on the rulers and all the people in it. Thus he killed many more when he died than while he lived. Then his brothers and his father's whole family went down to get him. They brought him back and buried him between Zorah and Eshtaol in the tomb of Manoah his father. He had led Israel twenty years. (Judges 16:28-31)

After all Samson had done and been through, and when the situation looked so final, he still had faith to believe that God would work through him. What power must have been at work in Samson by God's sovereign grace, for him to have this kind of comeback faith! This kind of faith is rare even in professing Christians, who have the whole of Scripture to convince them of God's mercy. It is no wonder that although Samson is often negatively portrayed by people, God would instead honor him by placing his name alongside Abraham, Noah, Moses, David, and the other faithful men and women in Hebrews 11. The world is not worthy of one who understands and believes in God's sovereign grace.

If you look at Samson's life only in the context of his relationship with Delilah, you will not understand his greatness. But if you see him from the perspective of Hebrews 11 – as a man of faith – you will come to understand why God approved of him. God had mercy on Samson by granting him faith in God's sovereign grace despite Samson's flaws and failures.

The Bible says, "God's gifts and his call are irrevocable" (Romans 11:29). His promises toward the elect will always remain. On the other hand, he has promised nothing but damnation for the reprobates. This is not to say that one who has faith in God's goodness may go on sinning, since true faith believes in Scripture, which permits no such thing. As John explains, "No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God" (1 John 3:9). Christians are not encouraged to follow Samson in his sin, but they are rather encouraged to follow his faith in God's kindness. It is faith in God's mercy, not our good works, that enables the kingdom of God to advance. It is by faith that we will overcome the world (1 John 5:4-5). And even this faith comes only from God's sovereign decree, so that no one may boast.

In addition, it seems that Samson had finally learned to fear God, as evidenced in his prayer: "Then Samson prayed to the LORD, 'O Sovereign LORD, remember me. O God, please strengthen me just once more, and let me with one blow get revenge on the Philistines for my two eyes'" (v. 28). This may not sound too special to you, but compare this to how he used to pray: "Because he was very thirsty, he cried out to the LORD, 'You have given your servant this great victory. Must I now die of thirst and fall into the hands of the uncircumcised?'" (Judges 15:18).

He was formerly irreverent and demanding toward God. But by Judges 16:28, he was humble and submissive, taking nothing for granted, and addressing God as "Sovereign LORD" (or, the "Lord God"; NASB). He now realized that God did not owe him his grace and mercy, and neither did God owe him the water that came out of the donkey's jawbone in Judges 15. God answered him, and he answers us, because of his sovereign kindness, and not because he owes us what we ask from him. We must never mistake arrogance and irreverence for faith, although I have heard preachers make exactly this mistake in their sermons, teaching people to demand things from God in a way that borders on blasphemy.

Jesus told the following parable in Luke 18:9-14:

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: "Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men – robbers, evildoers, adulterers – or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.' But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.' I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

Samson learned this lesson the hard way. It cost him his sight, his freedom, and then his life. This is the price and the folly of "learning by doing" instead of heeding the teaching of Scripture without having to experience the consequences of sin. Nevertheless, by the end of his life, Samson had truly learned his lesson and realized that all good things proceeded from God's mercy alone, and it is on his mercy that we must rely: "God have mercy on me, a sinner."

With his last breath, Samson performed what God had called him to do: "Thus he killed many more when he died than while he lived" (v. 30). Some people teach that, because of his sins, Samson's death was premature, and he never accomplished what God had intended for him. I strongly disagree for at least two reasons.

First, when the angel announced Samson's birth to his mother, he only said that Samson would "begin" to deliver Israel from the Philistines (Judges 13:5), and not that he would completely and permanently destroy them. Second, Samson's capture caused the "rulers of the Philistines" (Judges 16:23) to gather in one place. In fact, the Bible says that, "all the rulers of the Philistines were there" (Judges 16:27). Samson killed them all "with one blow" (v. 28).

According to his sovereign will, God gathered all the leaders of the Philistines in one place, and Samson was right there where he was supposed to be, and with his last breath, he did what he was supposed to do. Indeed, "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28). "All the peoples of the earth are regarded as nothing. He does as he pleases with the powers of heaven and the peoples of the earth. No one can hold back his hand or say to him: 'What have you done?'" (Daniel 4:35). Thus it seems that, by the sovereign grace of God, Samson accomplished exactly what God had intended for him to do. "For the LORD Almighty has purposed, and who can thwart him? His hand is stretched out, and who can turn it back?" (Isaiah 14:27).

Hebrews is justified in including Samson as an example of great faith. God wants us to learn from his example, that we should imitate Samson in his faith in God's mercy and power. He wants us to believe that his mercy endures forever and that his calling and gifts are irrevocable. But at the same time, God's grace must not be abused: "What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?" (Romans 6:1-2).

━━━━━━━━━━ × ━━━━━━━━━━

Vincent Cheung. Samson and His Faith (2003).

Copyright © 2003 by Vincent Cheung http://www.vincentcheung.com

Previous edition published in 2001.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted without the prior permission of the author or publisher.

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

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Wynonna Earp Season 4 Episode 10 Review: Life Turned Upside Down

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This Wynonna Earp review contains spoilers.

Wynonna Earp Season 4, Episode 10

Like most good-but-not-great episodes of this beloved show, “Life Turned Upside Down” is an instance of Wynonna Earp biting off more narrative than it can effectively chew in one, hour-long installment. What starts as an episode that promises to delve further into Wynonna’s alcohol abuse and other mental health struggles and how they affect her loved ones quickly veers into a more action-forward story that sees Waverly kidnapped by her worst nightmare and BBD upper management initiating a plan that could end Purgatory (and some of our favorite recurring characters) forever. “Life Turned Upside Down” could have been three excellent episodes of television. Instead, by trying to shove all of this story into one installment, it ends up being one pretty great yet ultimately overambitious episode of TV.

“You know, I really thought we’d have a few years between your transition from fun drunk to mean alcoholic.” “Well, we don’t all have the option of happily ever after.” I’m sad we will never get to see the version of this episode that more fully dives into Wynonna’s current mental health struggles and alcohol dependence. Alcohol abuse is often glamorized and glorified on TV and film, especially when it comes to the lone, stoic warrior trope. It’s a depiction rooted in toxic masculinity, and especially in the western, a genre from which Wynonna Earp gets many of its narrative conventions. There’s a misunderstanding that toxic masculinity only impacts cis men, but that’s far from the case. In a patriarchal society that over-glorifies a constructed masculine ideal, toxic masculinity can affect anyone, and we see some of the worst of what that can look like in Wynonna’s Season 4B struggles. “You’re hunting all of the time. You’re not sleeping. You’re isolating yourself.” “No, I’m hunting alone, so until a new Chosen One rolls into town, whose old enough to drink…” Here, Wynonna equates being a “Chosen One” with alcohol dependence because, for her, they are inextricable from one another; she cannot comprehend a way to do this “job” without this particular coping mechanism.

What Wynonna Earp gets radically right in this episode opening is the focus on how this kind of “lone wolf” mindset affects other people. (“You seem so…” “Dedicated to keeping my friends and family safe?” “…Really sad. And lonely.”) One of the myths at the root of both toxic masculinity and toxic individualism is the idea that any one person can be an island. That it is possible to lock up your pain so tightly inside of yourself that it won’t touch anyone else. But to be human is to affect and be affected by the people around you. We touch one another, even when we try desperately not to, and this is something toxic masculinity and the glorified depiction of “the lone wolf” get so incredibly wrong. When you self-destruct, that self-destruction doesn’t happen to just you; it happens to everyone who loves you and, often, to people who don’t love you too. That knowledge can’t necessarily stop people from self-destructing, from feeling incredible pain and acting in harmful ways because of that pain, but hopefully it can get them one step closer to seeking help outside of themselves and realizing that, in doing so, they’re not just helping themself, but also helping everyone they touch.

This rich thematic exploration propels “Life Turned Upside Down” forward, but we never really get to see it come to any kind of fruition in this episode. Once Waverly, Wynonna, and Nicole leave the homestead after Wynonna and Waverly’s rough, raw, and probably helpful fight, the world butts in, as it so often does. Waverly is chased into the Ghost River’s mind-altering fog, and Wynonna and Nicole are desperate to save her. Initially unbeknownst to them, Waverly’s situation is even worse than they could have imagined: Waverly’s demonic “twin” Jolene is back, and she’s continuing her lifelong dedication to psychologically torturing (and then also physically torturing) Waverly.

Jolene is a manifestation of all of the negative thought patterns in Waverly’s head: Demons are just fallen angels [and] you’re one of them. / Does it ever get boring playing the role of damsel in distress? / Those are all of the lives that Wynonna has had to snuff out to save yours. Imagine the weight of all of that blood on her hands. / Stupid, selfish little angel. In Season 3, Jolene was ultimately unsuccessful in getting Waverly to die by suicide because Waverly was able to see the love and support her family and friends give her freely, and hear the untruth in Jolene’s lies. This time, Waverly isn’t able to do the same and it probably has at least something to do with how much Wynonna’s misery has been affecting her baby sister. There is more than one way to keep your loved ones safe and, while Waverly’s apparent turn to avenging angel is 100% not Wynonna’s fault; it also might not have happened if Wynonna’s definition of “keeping her loved ones safe” wasn’t so toxically narrow. Just because your pain belongs to you doesn’t mean it’s doesn’t sing to others, stirring up their own pain in return.

In accepting the dark narrative Jolene is whispering in her ear, Waverly makes a similar decision to the one Wynonna has been making since they got back from the Garden: To go it alone. To believe that there is something inherently and inescapably dark about her power. To tell herself hat she must get her hands bloody to keep her sister’s hands relatively clean. Something tells me that, in seeing Waverly make her own version of the choice Wynonna has been making these past few months, Wynonna might finally understand what Waverly was trying to tell her at the beginning of this episode: She wasn’t judging her; she was trying not to lose her.

Elsewhere in the episode, BBD’s much-discussed “upper-est management” have finally come calling, and it’s bad for pretty much everyone we know and love. Someone named General Graham is rounding up all of the “assets” left in the Ghost River Triangle and either killing them or loading them onto a metaphoric ark to get the heck out of dodge before the memory-altering fog swallows the entire region in just a few days. I was a little confused by the plot mechanics of all of this (maybe because I was so invested in what was going on elsewhere in the episode?), but it seems like there is a larger fight Graham is planning for. He spoke of a silo in Montana where he plans on bringing the supernatural people he’s rounded up in order to regroup and continue the fight. This all implies that the Big Bad, which is probably not the memory-altering fog but rather Eve or, and stay with me here, perhaps Waverly? Our favorite Sudoku-player ends the episode by ascending (or descending?) into some kind of dark angel, brought about by Jolene’s torture and the temporary belief that Wynonna is dead. “Your journey is over, Wynonna Earp,” Dark!Waverly tells her sister. “And mine has just begun.” Yikes.

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Ultimately, I’m not sure the beginning of this episode matches the end. At the beginning of the episode (and in previous episodes), the series seems to depict that Wynonna’s alcoholism is a problem, but then the episode promptly swerves into demonstrating how the story that Wynonna tells herself that fuels that alcohol abuse (that she needs to kill to keep her loved ones safe) is actually kind of true. Wynonna does do a pretty good job trying to save her sister, even if ultimately she is unsuccessful. (Because Waverly isn’t saved, is she? She may not die, but she is forced to transform into something she explicitly says she does not want to be: “I don’t want to be an angel. I don’t want to be a demon. I just want to go home.” Rather: “I can be a hero and a wife.” That is Waverly Earp’s dream and, over the course of this episode, she seemingly moves away from that path.) Over the course of this review, I’ve thematic tracked a path between Wynonna’s self-destructive behavior and the path Waverly takes at the end of this episode, but, if this was what Wynonna Earp was going for with “Life Turned Upside Down,” they needed to connect the dots a little better. If not, well, then the point still stands.

As with other episodes of Wynonna Earp that don’t quite nail it for me, “Life Turned Upside Down” was still a hell of an episode to watch for anyone who cares about these characters and this show. Even when Wynonna Earp isn’t at 100% in terms of plot or theme, you better believe that the characterization and the actors who bring that writing to life are top notch. From the intervention to “It’s my fucking turn, Wynonna” to Rachel picking flowers to lay next to Casey’s corpse, I was emotionally riveted. And, while it’s different for every story-consumer, that’s what I care about the most. The rest is icing on the doughnut.

Additional thoughts.

Wynonna calls herself a “chip off the abusive asshole block.” So much of the insecurities and issues that the Earp sisters deal with can be traced back to their abuse asshole father. It is, frankly, very impressive that Wynonna and Waverly were able to grow into such loving adults, given what they had to endure as kids.

Speaking of which: “Purgatory’s not a place where people get to be kids.”

“You’re my family.” “No, I’m not.” Poor Rachel. But also: she seems to be the most well-adjusted one here right now?

“Nobody wants to be an Earp. Earps always end up alone.” More story-lies that Wynonna tells herself that most likely started with her father.

R.I.P., Dallas.

Also: Mercedes!!! Are you OK?

“I’m kind of medium on the hair.”

“Clio’s the new Clanton heir and send the reapers to feed on a bus full of seniors.” Um, that is quite bad?

“I made you an apology castle roll.” I am so sad that Casey died.

“Those are humans… and Freddy.”

“I will come back to you; I just need her more.” While I did generally love the characterization in this episode, as previously mentioned, it didn’t work for me how vehemently Doc and Jeremy reacted when Wynonna chose to save Clio over them. I think they would have trusted that she had a plan? Then again, maybe they’re just terrified for their lives.

Rachel is so sweet.

I continue to feel bad for Billy.

“Get your hands off my sister, you unholy bitch.” Peak Molly Weasley vibes.

“If we cannot use our brawn, let us use our heads.” I love Doc so much.

“That is, as they say, my bad.” Again.

Did anyone else feel like the BBD subplot was just a carousel of people coming to break the BBD prisoners out and failing?

Obligatory Lauren shout out.

I love this show’s commitment to exposed midriff.

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Obligatory Dolly Parton shoutout.

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