#how does it feel to know that you contributed to this?

[hwaslayer]

wildfire (cs) | fourteen.

—spotify playlist | series masterlist

—summary: assistant professor in bioengineering, incredibly attractive, lonely and divorced; that’s how most people describe san. but despite the events that have happened in his life, san has a lot going for himself. he’s a successful, sought out professor due to his brilliant contributions to science at just an early age of 32. he worked hard to get where he was now; head deep into his research, his publications, building his lab and creating a name for himself. everything was good and smooth sailing— until it wasn’t. because when he meets you, a bioengineering grad student interested in rotating in his lab, he finds himself ready to risk all the blood, sweat and tears he put in throughout the years just to keep you close— his need for you spiraling out of control like a wildfire.

—pairing: asst. professor!choi san x grad student!f. reader

—genre: (18+ - minors dni) strangers to lovers, grad school au | fluff, angst, smut

—word count: 5.5k

—chapter content/warnings: cussing/mature language, mostly focused on namjoon again in his stressed with no rest era, oc tells her friends about everything, jiung x oc fighting, crying :(, oc has a pretty good talk with namjoon, things are just shifting/changing

—a/n: the next fic coming up after wildfire has been posted here! also if you haven't taken my poll, pls do so! hehe <33 i appreciate u

You lay back against the arm of the couch with your blanket sprawled on top, typing away the last bits of info into your presentation. You're a slide away from creating your acknowledgements slide and wrapping up the entire rotation update. You had gotten an email from both San and Namjoon stating that your rotation in San's lab was ending due to a change in your timeline and that you needed to present your rotation update to the both of them, along with the dean, in the following week. It scared you at first— and it still does now— but it's starting to make more sense as to why San did what he did. Namjoon sent you a side email asking if you could meet today because he wanted to discuss what was going on. He kept it vague. Short.

Maybe he was holding off until the meeting.

It's obvious who started all of this. It's not hard to tell.

But, you agreed to meet after TAing for Yunho— letting Namjoon know you'd be there as soon as class was over. He agreed to the time and sent you a reassuring message towards the end, telling you all would be well and that he'd help you figure things out no matter what.

It was reassuring, but it doesn't mean you weren't scared.

Anxious.

Nervous.

Doesn't mean any if this it hurt any less. Doesn't mean you weren't angry, upset, sad. You still needed to feel it out, especially being alone and going through this without anyone else to talk to about it.

You had Eunchae, Jurin and Felix. But, you wished you had Jiung to talk to. You wished you didn't feel hurt about him, too.

—FLASHBACK

"So, you two are seeing each other?" Jurin asks while she sits in front of you and holds onto your knee to give it a gentle rub. Eunchae sits next to you with her arm over your shoulder, also giving you a gentle caress, squeeze. Felix sits next to Jurin and he's got a look of concern, but sadness. You had finally opened up about everything between you and San; from how things started, the conferences, staying at his house, being with him—

To not.

Jiung keeps himself posted near your window because he doesn't really wanna hear more about it but he needs to— to understand the full story. Part of him also feels guilty for what he did hearing your cries and how awfully torn up you are over Professor Choi.

San.

He's gotta get used to you calling him San like that.

"Were." You shake your head and press the tissue against your nose to pat it dry. "It's done with now."

"But, why? Couldn't you guys just play it off?" 

"I'm sure he wanted to be safe, though." Felix adds softly. "I think I kinda see where he's coming from." He looks at you. "I don't think he meant to hurt you, but he's probably trying to protect you and keep everything safe in the meantime. Once this blows over—"

"I doubt we'd get back together."

"Don't say that. You never know, Y/N. I agree with Lix. He's probably just trying to do what's best for now even if it hurts him to. I'm sure he cares a lot about you. I mean heck, he almost fucked up Hae-jin in front of everyone." You sigh and look down at your hands, the feeling of sadness and emptiness all consuming. 

"He does." Eunchae adds to Jurin's reassurance. "I don't know why Professor Lee and Professor Jeong think it's their business, though. Haven't they done enough damage?"

"Awful. People literally can't mind their business, especially when it has nothing to do with them."

"I get the power dynamics but Professor Choi doesn't seem like the type. So, honestly, it's not like anyone was getting hurt in the process." Jiung silently fiddles with his hoodie string as Felix goes on.

"And people clearly don't know you if they assume you're the one throwing yourself on him." Jurin adds.

"Damn. Two people can't just be together?" Felix shakes his head. "Anyway, you got us, and this will pass. I'm sure Professor Kim will do everything to help and figure things out, too." You dig your face into your hands, trying to wipe away the remaining tears before you nod and smile at Lix in appreciation for his support, too. 

Still, you can't help but notice how Jiung has remained quiet this entire time— barely able to maintain eye contact with you.

"Should we go to dinner? Get some food in you?" Eunchae gives you a small smile and giggle. You nod and stand with them, quickly checking your appearance in the mirror while the three start making their way out of your door.

"Can we talk for a second?"

"About?"

"I just have to tell you something. Probably shouldn't wait until after dinner."

"Um, okay?" You look at him, hands crossed over your chest in a vulnerable manner, doe-eyes peeking up at him as he lets out a hefty sigh. "What's on your mind?"

"Y/N, I'm sorry. I just wanna say I'm sorry and I hope you understand where I'm coming from. But—" He lets out another sigh before shaking his head, almost as if he were shaking his feelings off. Trying to tell himself he needs to say it. "I-I went to Professor Kim and told him about you and Professor Choi. I told him I thought you were being taken advantage of and that I was worried."

"What?" You can barely get out. "W-why would you do that?"

"I was really just worried and I wasn't sure how else to get to you. I-I thought Professor Kim would be able to help—"

"Jiung." You call his name and step back, not wanting to be in close proximity to him. You knew he was worried about you, but you didn't think he'd go off and talk to Namjoon about it right away. "Why would you do that? Why couldn't we just keep talking about it— why did you have to go and blow this up even more?!"

"I'm sorry, can you blame me?!—"

"You didn't have to go behind my fucking back and tell Professor Kim! I already told you it wasn't like that and you still told him it was?! What the actual hell, Jiung?"

"I was just worried about you! I was being your fucking bestfriend, trying to make sure you weren't hurt or anything."

"And then you made things worse. Are you happy?" You scoff. "Those assumptions could have really fucked up Professor Choi."

"What about you, Y/N? Why do you keep disregarding yourself?! Is that even healthy—"

"Healthy?! I'm telling you the truth!" You scoff. "And you don't know shit about me and him, so quit acting like you do." You throw your hands up in defeat because he'll never get it. "Forget it, okay? You'll never understand and I don't need you to."

"Hey, what's going on?" Felix pops his head in, confused at the ruckus going on behind doors. Truthfully, he heard everything just as he was approaching the door to check up on you, and he's not sure how to feel. It's hard. He feels like he's in the middle because he sees Jiung, he sees you.

"You guys can go off to dinner together, but I'll probably just stay behind." 

"But, Y/N—" Jiung adds in defeat.

"Why don't you and the girls go? We'll catch up later." Felix tugs him by the sleeve and gives him a look. "Give her some space." He mutters lowly just as he gets in close distance.

—END

Your alarm blares on the coffee table, a harsh reminder that you haven't really slept much. It was time to wrap up and get ready for Yunho's class— something you weren't entirely ready to tackle today either.

But, you get up anyway. 

You sigh and put on your brave face.

You throw on a simple sweater, jeans and your Sambas— dabbing a bit of mascara, brow gel and lip gloss to fix yourself up a tiny bit for the day. You were tired of feeling sad and dressing the part; the least you could do was finally get some fresh air and look decent enough for the world while coming out of your slump. You grab your things and pack up your bag, heading out of the door with your keys in hand.

Kinda sucks you won't be returning to San's lab.

Kinda sucks you won't be returning to San.

You let out a sigh and quietly walk over to the classroom in peace, keeping your head down for a majority of the time. 

Avoiding eye contact, avoiding anything having to do with the outside world in meantime.

"Hey!" Yunho says in his usual fashion. You give him a small smile, although you're not really sure why he's joining class yet again today. He had been joining your class in particular recently, and you knew why.

He just wanted to get under your skin.

"Hi." You respond, getting your laptop together. Yunho continues to watch you from where you're standing, noting the sadness that envelopes your entire body. The way you're avoiding him. The way it's so blatantly obvious that you know that he knows.

That Iseul is the reason why you're sad.

You don't say anything otherwise; keeping your head down and away from Yunho even while the class walks in. You continue to carry on with the last journal club of the class before giving everyone time to work on their final proposals before it's due at the end of the evening. A few people linger at the end of class to speak with you and Yunho to get your guidance on the last remaining bits of their proposals before they thank you for all your help and head out for the day.

You still haven't said a word to Yunho, and he can't help but ask:

"Is something wrong?" Yunho asks nonchalantly after class, looking at your figure even though you are avoiding eye contact with him while packing up your things.

"No."

"You don't have to lie to me."

"I don't know why you're asking if something is wrong when you know what it is already. Don't you?" You look at him plainly from the side before gathering the rest of your things.

"Whatever's been happening between you and San is between you and San—"

"So, was it you who told Professor Kim? Or was it Professor Lee?" You cut him off. Yunho stares at you, and he doesn't respond. Of course he won't, of course he won't throw Iseul under the bus even though you know she was behind it.

"It was for the best."

"Quite frankly, I don't think you can speak on what's best for me or him. Especially him." You look at Yunho directly in the eye. "Are you both that determined to bring San down? Is that what this?" He furrows his brows.

"Reel it in, Y/N." He says, sternly. "Do you not understand how damaging this could be for both you and him? If anything, it was done to protect you both."

"What makes you think we weren't capable of doing so?" Yunho lets out a pathetic chuckle before he steps forward and leans towards your ear, a small smirk on his lips.

"I think snuggling up on campus and sneaking into his office is enough of a reason." He pulls back, licking his lips before dipping his hands into his pocket.

"And I think you need to learn how to mind your own business and let San handle his own." You scoff. "In any case, Yunho." You look him in the eye. "You and Iseul already ruined him from the beginning and you can't come to terms with it." You tilt your head to the side. "You both were never deserving of San, and that is sad. No wonder you two are miserable and are still keeping tabs on him." Yunho's mouth slightly drops, but he doesn't respond to your statement. "I'll help out with finals if needed. Otherwise, please consider my TA assignment with you done."

You almost run into Iseul as you stomp out of the classroom, leaving her to knit her brows at you in response.

"Nice talk." Iseul pops in, her husband biting his cheek.

"We should have never gotten involved with that, Iseul." He says lowly as he gathers his things together.

"Oh, so just let them—"

"That's exactly it, just let them be." He cuts her off and looks at her. "It didn't have to be us. We could've just let them be and let anyone else do the talking. Let them learn on their own." His jaw ticks.

"We did the right thing." She crosses her arms.

"Still doesn't change the fact that you're taking the opportunity to destroy San and running with it. It didn't have to be us." He repeats, slinging his bag onto his shoulder.

"Yunho." She says. "You're not actually taking Y/N seriously, are you? She's delusional if she thinks all of this is okay and would've slipped."

"Don't call her delusional, Iseul. You have no say in their relationship or what they're about. You had no right. They knew what they were getting into. You just lead them into the trap for your own benefit." Yunho scoffs. "You wanted to see this unfold, didn't you? You wanted this to unfold in a specific way." 

"What is going on, Yunho?"

"We're not meddling in this anymore. If you're not ready to stop, count me out of it. I'm not doing this, I'm not picking at their business anymore." He grabs his things and takes the lead out of the room. Iseul scoffs and shakes her head, slowly trailing behind him.

As for you, you feel cold. You feel isolated. You feel empty. You walk out and find a hidden table behind the building and set yourself down to get yourself together. You let out a couple of breaths to ease your feelings, promising yourself you wouldn't cry over this anymore.

But, it hurts to hold it in.

It hurts.

You feel the dullness, the heavy ache, in the center of your chest, and it hurts.

You have to move on.

"Fuck." You sigh, hand over your chest to give it a few gentle rubs before you're back on your feet and checking the time. You need to see Professor Kim just like your promised.

Of course, as you're on your way to Professor Kim's office, you find San passing by with Yeosang and Jongho. His eyes land on you and you immediately break first, feeling the tears ready to well up in your eyes. He sees the way your head drops and how you turn away— he can't help but slightly turn over his shoulder to keep his eyes on you.

To lock eyes with you once more.

To feel.

But, it doesn't happen. And it fucks San up more than he expects because he doesn't know even know what Jongho and Yeosang are talking about anymore after that brief interception.

"Yo, you good?" Jongho taps his chest with a small chuckle, bringing San back to reality.

"Yeah. Sorry." He tries to play it off quickly but Jongho quickly turns over his shoulder to see you walking in the opposite direction.

"All good." He returns to San and gives his shoulder a small squeeze. "I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry about." San gives him a toothless smile. "Anyway, did you guys figure out where we're going before we make laps around campus?" Yeosang and Jongho share a quick look before they follow behind San and pick the conversation back up to prevent any of San's sadness from creeping up.

Meanwhile, you continue your way to Professor Kim's office, wiping away the stragglers that manage to escape your eyes and streak your cheeks. You weren't gonna let this get to you, so you quickly try to brush it off and get yourself together especially when you walk down the hallway and into Professor Kim's office. He's in his chair, typing away on his computer— glasses sitting on the bridge of his nose.

"Hey Y/N, come sit and make yourself comfortable." He smiles at you and you return the gesture, sitting down on the chair posted in front of his desk.

"Thanks for meeting with me today, Professor Kim."

"No, thank you." He chuckles and finally shifts his full attention towards you. "How are you today?"

"Uh, could be better but not complaining."

"Yeah? How was class with Professor Jeong?"

"Hm, okay." You hum before shifting in your seat nervously. 

"Just okay?" You nod. "Well, as long as there aren't any complaints or anything you wanna tell me." Namjoon knows you probably aren't having a great time in Yunho's class right now and he doesn't blame you.

"No." You force a smile. "Anyway, I see that I have to do my rotation presentation next week?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry, Y/N. You do understand why this is all happening, right?" You slowly nod. "I know you and San have been seeing each other, and I know he ended things the other day. I'm really sorry, but I just need to protect you both. Word is getting around fast and the dean isn't having it. I can't have him fire San, I can't have him kick you out of the grad program. Please just understand why things have to be this way. I just need it to settle."

"I do." You respond weakly before looking down at your hands. "I'm sorry for causing so much trouble, Professor Kim. I didn't mean— we didn't mean for this to blow up. I-I know we shouldn't have been so sloppy and reckless, and I'm sorry—"

"Hey, hey." He shakes his head with a sympathetic look. "No need to be sorry. I promise all is fine, and that's why I'm here to help and protect you both." You look at him with a sad nod, and you aren't sure why that's the tipping point for you but you suddenly start to break down in front of Professor Kim. He feels his heart breaks because he knows there wasn't any power play in this; he knows San as a person, and he's familiar with you as a student and the work you do. There was no way either of you used any power or position for your advantage. He knew this had been a genuine, real relationship— it's just truly unfortunate it had to unfold this way.

If word hadn't gotten around, maybe Namjoon wouldn't care at all. 

But, he has to now, and that's what makes everything hard about his role.

"I promise everything is going to be okay." He says softly.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—" Namjoon shakes his heas, watching the way you cry into your hands.

"Y/N, it's okay. You can let it out if you need to." He passes you the tissue box. "Can I ask you something? And be honest. I've already figured out your plan for school so you don't have to hold back." Namjoon says. "Do you care about him?" You nod as you continue to cry, the ache in your chest making it hard for you to breathe. 

You miss San.

"But, it doesn't matter because he ended it. It's over with."

"He only did so because of my guidance, and I'm sorry about that. I told him this too, but it's not something I wanted to do. Trust me. As his friend, it's the first time I've seen him genuinely and truly happy. It's all I wanted after the things he's gone through. But, I just can't risk it right now. San is beginning to reach new heights with his career and getting more real estate to do things he's been wanting to do with Jongho. You're also just getting into the groove of things. I don't want either of your hard work to get snatched away over something like this."

"No, I know Professor Kim. I do understand and I'm grateful. It just sucks. I don't know how else we would've gotten away with it, I guess." You sniff. "Maybe it had to happen."

"Look, I told him this, too. But, I can't police every detail and tell you who you can and can't date. If San is someone you care about, then so be it, but the only thing I ask of you is to keep it off campus. I cannot have you two interacting on campus or else he's out. Not by my choice, but the committee."

"I don't want anything to happen to him."

"I know, and he said the same thing about you. He cares just as much, so don't think that he doesn't." You dab your face with the napkin and nod.

"Jiung confessed and told me he came to you about it." Namjoon nods.

"I think he was just worried as your friend. Rightfully so. But, I think he also shouldn't have jumped to those conclusions right away."

"I told him that."

"If I hadn't known San so well, I probably would've believed Jiung." He sighs. "It's alright, he didn't know and he was worried. Are you two okay?"

"Not really, but I think we just need time. I'm trying to see his side of things, but I also didn't think he'd do that so it caught me off guard."

"I see. Well. Give yourself some time and grace, okay? I'm sorry it had to be this way for now." You give him a tiny, toothless smile. Eyes still shiny and watery from the crying you've just done. 

I'm sorry it had to be this way for now.

It repeats in your head over and over again because why does it feel like this is just how it's gonna be? Despite Namjoon reassuring you, despite San's explanation. Why does it just feel like a fleeting moment? A chapter in your book— a part that was never really supposed to last.

"Thank you." He gives you a smile.

"So, shifting to the program. I was thinking I could pull you into my lab and we can figure out things as time goes on? Explore other options if there's anything else you'd wanna explore." You nod. "You know there's other paths we can look into, or if you're totally fine with where you're at in my lab, then we can just stick with that plan."

"That sounds good. Thank you, Professor Kim."

"Unfortunately, like I mentioned, I can't have you interacting with Professor Choi. I'll have to make sure you don't take any of his classes or end up in any collaboration projects with him." You nod.

"Okay. I understand." 

"You'll have to halt all your work in his lab immediately. You can grab your things when you feel ready to, but I'll have you in my lab starting next week. I know it'll be a bit crazy with your rotation presentation, but I promise to make it a smooth transition." 

"Okay." You purse your lips. "I'm almost finished with my rotation presentation."

"That's great!"

"It'll just be us three?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry. It's not the usual format but I need the dean to see all the good work you do."

"Thank you. I appreciate your support."

"Do you have any questions so far? Any other concerns?" You think for a second before shaking your head.

"No."

"I'll send you some onboarding info and give you the contacts to some key people in my lab to help you get started. We can figure out your project and goals in a little more depth next week. Let's aim for a Monday morning meeting? 9am?"

"Good with me." 

"Thanks, Y/N. And please trust me when I say all is gonna be well."

"Thank you." 

"See you next week? Be sure to keep an eye out for my emails." You nod as you stand and tuck your bag closely to you.

"I will." You give him another smile before heading out of the door. Namjoon pinches the bridge of his nose and plops back down onto his chair, picking up his direct line to ring the dean's office phone. It rings for a few minutes before the dean is answering on the other end.

"Namjoon."

"Hey. Can we meet today to talk about what's been going on? I can be over in the next 15 minutes."

"I'm free, but I have a hard cut off in 45 minutes."

"That's plenty of time. I'll be there soon."

"See you." Joon hangs up and gathers his things, loosening his tie to get himself together for this meeting. He doesn't necessarily wanna do this, nor does he think he's ready for whatever the dean could unleash on him.

On you, on San.

But, he has a job to do and he'll make damn sure he gets his point across. He'll make damn sure he controls this well, and he'll make sure nothing happens to the both of you.

When he gets into the building and heads straight for the dean's office, he's greeted by the front desk and his executive assistant. The dean's assistant knocks on his door and pops her head in to give him a heads up about Namjoon's visit. It isn't long before she's gesturing for him to come into his office, stepping out and slowly shutting the door behind her once Namjoon's settled in the seat in front of him.

"Namjoon."

"Dean Louie." Namjoon clears his throat. "Can we discuss what's been going on? I've got a chance to review this more in depth."

"Great. So, tell me. What's with the anonymous tip? Is there truth behind San and his student's relationship?"

"No." The dean looks at him with his head cocked to the side. "Not at all."

"Namjoon. This isn't the time to play games."

"Who said I was?" Joon asks. "This is purely a rumor and there is nothing going on between the two of them. To keep things safe, I'll make sure they don't cross paths and interact on campus, and I'll make sure to work closely with her and keep her under my wing." Namjoon says.

"A rumor? That blew up around campus? What about Iseul and Yunho? Iseul told me about the happy hour event with San. All of this seems too good to be true, and if you're covering for them—" Namjoon cuts him off.

"Since when did Iseul and Yunho have their best interest in San? All I know is that they've always been the driving issue, not San." Namjoon looks at the dean confused. "I don't mean to be disrespectful, but a rumor is a rumor and I've gotten to the bottom of it. I talked to the both of them and they denied it through and through. The only reason why San got caught up in the whole happy hour business was because a postdoc was crossing the line and being really disrespectful to her. Any one of us would've done it had we caught it right away like San did." Namjoon continues to furrow his brows. "Now, please. I'd appreciate if we can move on." The dean sits back and lets out a hefty sigh.

"Go on."

"As stated in my email, she will do her rotation presentation in front of myself, you and San. After that, she will be removed from his lab and will be placed in mine. We'll have weekly check-ins, and I'll work with her to move her classes around and realign her priorities so that she and San don't cross paths in this program again."

"And what about this real estate in the building? I'm not going to give it over if this is what San plans to do—"

"I'm sorry, but this shouldn't define San and his work." Namjoon pauses. "He's not, alright? I already confirmed it was a rumor and there is nothing going on. No reason for you to pull back on that real estate deal especially when Jongho had nothing to do with this either and San has already explained his side and agreed to comply regardless. She'll be out of his lab." The dean gives Namjoon a stern look.

"You better make damn sure this doesn't happen again, Namjoon. No rumors, no slip ups. And you make sure those three stop causing trouble on campus. Iseul, Yunho and San. I don't care who did what and who is blaming who, I need this to stop. Now. We can't have childish, petty issues running amuck on this campus."

"You have my word."

"If I hear San and Y/N in the same sentence again, I can't promise it will be the same outcome."

"With all due respect, I need you to understand that whatever they do, whatever happens off campus, doesn't concern me and shouldn't concern you either. I cannot police their behavior and make them act a certain way off grounds. They are both grown, mature adults that can make decisions on their own, and you know that's unfair and very unrealistic." The dean doesn't say much. He mutters a few things under his breath before he's returning his attention to Namjoon.

"Not a damn word about them ever again, Namjoon. I mean it." The dean warns him again before settling into his seat and returning his attention to his desktop computer. Namjoon does a quick, silent bow before walking out, sighing loudly to himself as he's finally gotten that over with.

Still doesn't make it any easier knowing he had his friend make a very difficult decision that he did not wanna do.

He hopes in time, this could blow over and San could be happy again. Despite this hurdle, he's betting on it. On you and him.

Maybe when you come back together, circumstances will be different enough that it won't make the relationship seem as bad as it does right now.

"Shit." Namjoon clicks his teeth when he finally gets out of the building and breathes in the fresh air. He is exhausted, but his day isn't about to be over, no. On his way back to his office, he finds Yunho speaking to a few colleagues in the courtyard. He must have gotten out of a meeting and was walking his visitors out.

And Namjoon doesn't give a fuck. That visit is ending now.

"Professor Kim! It's an honor to see you in the flesh!" Namjoon smiles at his guests before returning the favor.

"Hi there." Namjoon does a curt bow. "Hope you've enjoyed your visit."

"Completely. We had a great collaboration meeting with Professor Jeong here, and he gave us a tour around."

"That's great, yeah." Namjoon smiles before looking at Yunho. "Can we talk in my office?" Namjoon says near Yunho's ear. "Now?"

"Sure." Yunho bids his last farewell before excusing himself and following Namjoon straight to his office. No words being spoken or shared. Namjoon shuts the door and sighs, looking at Yunho with his hand on his hip. "What's going on, Joon?"

"I'm just trying to understand why you and Iseul are trying so hard to ruin that man's reputation. The dean told me Iseul went over there to give him more of her little intel on San."

"I don't know what she said or did—"

"You still knew about it, didn't you?" Namjoon looks at him. "You knew this whole time Iseul was trying to raise hell about this and you let her."

"How is this not wrong?"

"No one said it wasn't wrong, Yunho!" Namjoon raises his tone. "There were just better ways to go about it than throwing San's name out there the way you two did. Just throwing him out there to the wolves without even knowing the full story. That's the problem!"

"I'm sorry, it doesn't seem like it now, but we were looking out for him and everyone else potentially involved."

"Except me. If you knew better, you both would've let me handle this accordingly. This doesn't just affect him, Yunho. It affects you both. It affects me. It affects Y/N, Jongho, everyone. Because you both didn't know how to be discreet about your plans to bring San down."

"It was never like that!"

"Then, what was it like? Tell me. As his colleague, as someone who acted purely for their own benefit, what was it like? As San's ex-bestfriend, what was it like?" Yunho doesn't respond. "This isn't high school, Yunho. I'm sorry, but the both of you need to grow up."

"We just tried to do the right thing and I don't take any of it back. If you fail to see that, then that's on you—"

"Oh, so approaching the dean to give him more talk in his ear with your so-called evidence before coming to me is doing the right thing?" Namjoon looks at him. "What was the goal here? What did this plan look like to you and Iseul?” He shakes his head. “No, actually, I don't wanna hear it, she already came into my office to talk my ear off about this. That should've been enough to let me handle it." Namjoon furrows his brows at him. 

"We just thought we were helping everyone—"

"Helping? Yourself or Iseul?" Namjoon shakes his head. "You know what, this is done. The damage is done. So, thank you and Iseul for your generous help." Yunho sighs. "Now that you've done all the talking, it's my turn." Joon steps closer to him. "As long as I'm around, I'll continue to keep the peace in this department, and that means I don't want you and Iseul meddling in San's personal matters ever again." Namjoon's jaw ticks as he and Yunho stare at each other in the brief pause that falls between them. "I don't want you meddling in Y/N's personal matters, I don't want you two doing anything on this campus besides running your labs and minding your own goddamn business. Do you understand me?" Namjoon places his hands on his hips while he and Yunho maintain eye contact. Yunho swallows thickly before nodding, digging his hands in his pockets.

"Yes sir."

"The next time you and Iseul wanna act like I don't know how to do my job, I promise I'll be good with reminding you."

—read 14.5 here

—taglist: @asjkdk @interweab @woojirang @svintsandghosts @cheolliehugs @persphonesorchid @mxnsxngie @jycas @cowboydk @vcutparis @chngbnwf @struggling101 @sanhwalvr @angelqueendom @barbielibra @brown88 @choisansplushie @yunhoswrldddd @hyukssunflower @vickykazuya @lucid-galaxys-world @jaytheatiny @pommelex @thechaotictheoryy @vixensss @santineez @nopension @domfikeluva @in-somnias-world @my-atiny-kookie-rkive @mountiiny @naoristerling @onmymymyway @thecutiepieme @wyrated

[georgiapeach30513]

With Your Touch, Part 9

Summary: Lloyd has a decision

Pairings: Lloyd Hansen X Reader

Rating: explicit

Warnings:  explicit language, explicit sexual content, D/s dynamics, restraints, unprotected sex, creampie, teasing, 18+ ONLY

Word Count: 4.2K

Previous

Series Masterlist

“Lyla Bee,” you smile at the sweetest little baby you’ve ever seen. Her head turns to look at you. Her mostly gummy smile with two bottom teeth cheeses up at you. Lyla’s cheeks squish up so high that her eyes are squished as she giggles.

You give her smooshing kisses onto her cheeks over and over again, “Tell daddy good morning.”

“Lalalalalalala,” she repeats over and over again before cracking herself up in laughter. Looking back up before turning back towards you.

“No, tell daddy good morning.”

“Mamamamamamamamama,” more repetitive syllables, but not what you want her to say.

“You gotta tell daddy good morning.”

“Da!” She squeaks, smiling at you before looking back up. “Da! Da! Da! Da!”

“That’s my girl! You said it!” You can’t stop kissing over her squishy little cheeks, ready to cry at her being able to screech Da! Turning back towards the front you smile at your phone, “Good morning, daddy. Me and this sweet Lyla Bee had a late morning, huh?” Lyla jabbers along with you, telling her side of the story. Smart angel baby.

“But today we’re going to plan her first birthday, and I’m not taking no for an answer. I don’t care if it’s just us two and the baby girl, we’re having her a beautiful birthday. You could always invite Ari,” you know when he gets a chance to watch this video he’s going to be cocking up an eyebrow. He both loved and hated when you brought up his partner in crime.

“Tell daddy bye. We’ve got to make some breakfast for this bumble bee. Ooh! Note, maybe we should do a bumble bee theme for her birthday. Ooh, since daddy thinks you’re the queen bee, maybe that should be your theme,” Lloyd chuckles as he watches the video. You had said bye, and now are off on a tangent talking about her birthday that she wasn’t allowed to have because he didn’t want her to get older.

It had nothing to do with not allowing people to celebrate his daughter, and everything to do with keeping her this little and cute. And you look positively delectable being a mom. The things he wants to do with you once Lyla goes to bed is animalistic. He has claimed you in every way that he can think of. And your obedient self trusts him to not hurt you. Both physically and mentally. That thought fills him with so much pride and need for you.

He’s unaware if you know exactly how much power you hold over him, nor does he care. He doesn’t think you have it in you to be a manipulator. You hold the power, but you also guard it. Are protective in your way for Lyla and him. He’s never had someone be protective of him, and it makes him feel — things. Things he can’t fully comprehend.

“Are you watching that again?” Lloyd locks his phone, and glares up at Ari. His giant friend just smirks as he looks at him. “Oh, you’re acting like seeing that fine piece of ass with your daughter doesn’t turn you on?”

“She is a fine piece of ass, but she’s more. That’s not why I’m…”

“Yeah, you’re in love with her. You don’t have to tell me. It’s quite obvious, and I won’t say anything to anyone else. Your secret of being in love is safe with me,” Ari is aware that it’s not a prideful thing, it’s a protection thing for you and Lyla. The less people knew, the less you became a target, “What’s this I hear about sharing her with me.”

“I didn’t say that,” Lloyd glares at him. “It was a heat of the moment pillow talk.”

“Talking about my dick to your girl seems a bit weird, no? How is my dick making it into your pillow talk?”

“We are talking about our daughter’s first birthday. Not what I say to make her squirm,” Ari starts to open his mouth, and Lloyd makes a buzzing sound, holding up one finger. “Eh! If you can’t contribute to the plans of Lyla’s party, I want you to keep your flopping jaw closed.”

Ari chuckles, shaking his head. The teasing is definitely over. Lloyd can be funny when he gets flustered and pissy, but when it comes to you and Lyla, he’s insufferable. “So what are you going to do with Roman?”

“I want him to see just how in love, respected, and safe his daughter is,” Ari’s interest piques as he lifts his brows, and leans closer. “He thinks I am only using his daughter for sex, and while the sex is impeccable, there is more to us than that. And one day that beautiful woman is going to walk around with me, and I’m holding Lyla, and the other hand is on her swollen stomach. Roman will see the two of us in love, and realize that his daughter is worth more than he ever could have imagined, and that’s when I will destroy him. I will make him regret the day that he ever thought he or any man could make her feel inferior.”

Your submission should always be a choice, and not a demand of fear of retaliation. Roman was a bastard that treated you as a commodity. The Verb was a prick for thinking he could lay his hands on you. It didn’t bother him in the slightest that you hadn’t thought of a viable way to dispose of him. Maybe it’d do The Verb some good to see you growing with Lloyd’s seed. Give you something that he never would have been man enough to do.

Maybe seeing you happy could do him some good. Lloyd takes a deep breath as he leans back, “I’ve got the perfect idea.”

“Are you going to show The Verb a sex tape of you and your gorgeous Dolly?”

“Why are you calling her gorgeous?” Lloyd’s eyes narrow as he leans in closer to his friend. “She is.”

“I noticed,” Ari’s grin turns devilish as he leans back in his chair. “Just ravishing.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Oh, no. I saw you, heard you. Those teasing words. Are you looking for a third so early in your relationship?” Ari’s chuckle rumbles out of his chest as Lloyd rolls his eyes, and turns in his chair. “I mean, if you need help showing her how to get stuffed.”

“I don’t.”

“Then don’t offer what you won’t deliver,” the two men sit in silence for too long as Lloyd stares at nothing at all, and Ari just smiles at his friend. His irritation quickly turns into visions of Ari just watching your wrecked face. You are too much of a good girl to ever let him touch you, weren’t you? But making him watch you, Lloyd might be able to get on board with that.

“Where do you see yourself in five years?” Ari asks, interrupting Lloyd’s thoughts.

“What?”

Ari nonchalantly shrugs. It is long past having this conversation with Lloyd. He couldn’t keep you and his daughter, and live this life. Lloyd has more money than he could ever want. Investing smart. Everyone knows the high life he enjoys having, he needs that security. “In five years, where are you in life?”

His eyes go blank. Visions of you, Lyla, another toddler girl, and a swollen belly dance in his mind. He’s with you every day. Away from the city, away from the killing and uncertainty. Just his family.

“Yeah,” Ari interrupts Lloyd’s train of thought, and he gets a pouting glare. “Just as I suspected. You realize the risk you give both of them by continuing this life.”

“This is what I know. And I didn’t ask for them — this.”

“Neither did they. But isn’t that how the best love stories start? Unexpected and raw, but also real?” Lloyd sighs, nodding his head. Yeah. It truly was the best love story. Completely unexpected, and the two of you knocked him off his feet, and made him feel things he never thought he would.

”Have you ever asked her what she wants? Surely she doesn’t just want to be an au pair,” Lloyd grunts. It’s the tenth time Ari has pissed him off in one conversation. “I’m sorry, a mom. What if she wants a bookstore, a flower shop, a…”

“She can have it,” Lloyd says with no hesitation.

“A coffee shop that the mister and missus run together. Lyla, busy helping when really she's just playing. A cute little baby bouncing around in a swing because you two can’t stand the thought of being away from each other. Or what was it you wanted to do when you were a boy? A professor,” Lloyd scoffs, rolling his eyes at the stupid ideas of a too young boy. Life happened, and he just rose up the ranks of the life of crime.

“I’m sure your pretty little wife would love to see you bend her over a desk. Punishing that pretty ass before you fuck her stupid.”

“Get out of my fucking fantasy,” both men release an airy laugh. Lloyd looks at the desk in front of him. He couldn’t continue on with this life. “I could do it, you know?”

“I know you could. Just as much as I can join your freakish little fucking games with your girlfriend. And I do mean fucking,” Ari gives Lloyd a wink, who returns the gesture by throwing a pen at him.

“Shut up.”

“You brought it up.”

“I was teasing her. Seeing her get all embarrassed and heated is,” Lloyd glares at Ari. “Oh, shut up! I like to see her squirm.”

“You have a sick need to humiliate, but she likes it,” Ari shrugs. Who is he to judge yours and Lloyd’s kink.

“Yeah, you don’t get to come home to her fucking a copy of my dick while I eat dinner,” his eyes grow distant again. Imagining his favorite show to watch while he eats. Seeing you get off, while simultaneously begging for his real cock, and to just fuck you is the best form of entertainment.

“You should invite me over one night,” Lloyd’s foot goes in between Ari’s legs. Connecting to the seat of his chair, he pushes the chair back causing an uproar of laughter from Ari. “You really are a bastard.”

“You offered!”

“I wasn’t serious.”

“It’s just new. You’ll change your mind,” Ari chuckles as Lloyd walks away from the conversation. Annoyed. Intrigued. Irritated. Turned on? No. Definitely not. Maybe not. Maybe a little.

——

Lloyd opens the door to his home, and quickly turns the alarm back on. It is too quiet. He worked late. Really it was having time to think about what Ari had questioned him about. Being your cute self, you left a dinner plate in the fridge. He isn’t hungry. Just hungry for you.

With a bit more gusto in his step he heads towards your bedroom. He’ll check on Lyla after he wakes you up with an orgasm. It’s been such a long day, and he could use something sweet on his tongue. The peaceful sound of your sleep sounds plays softly under the door.

Now, he could burst through the door, and wake you up with fear. He could crawl up the bed, and plant himself between your thighs, or he can make a trail of kisses up your body before he melts into you. Forgetting the work he does while basking in your warmth. It didn’t matter to him what he did because it was going to be with you.

Opening up the door, he slinks closer to the bed. Starting to peel off his clothes, until the most perfect and beautiful sight he’s ever seen comes into view. Lyla tucked so close to your body while your arm drapes over her. Cuddling the baby into your body. It’s cruel he didn’t get to fall asleep with the two of you.

Seeing just how quickly you took her into your life, and made her yours eases his darkened soul. You didn’t birth her, but you are the most integral part to her raising. He has missed so much time with her, and you. And each day he chooses to live in this life is another day that he misses his family. One day could potentially miss everything. The risk of the job is becoming too real for him.

He could miss her first sentences, her first steps without assistance, her personality coming through. He might miss out on her first day of school, the first person to break her heart, the first date. He shudders thinking of that aspect. Lloyd could risk the possibility of making more adorable babies with you. Forgoing the chance to have a family with you. The ability to give her siblings. It’s a risk he isn’t fully willing to take anymore.

He had too much here. Right in this bed is his life. Not the money, the thrills, the heavy rotation of women. This is the most comfortable and fulfilled he’s ever been. It isn’t worth it anymore. Ari is right.

“You could put on your pajama pants and get in the bed with us.”

“You could meet me in the shower.”

“Lloyd, the baby is sleeping,” playfully he sighs. He’ll take a quick shower, and get back to you. It isn’t worth it to stay away from you. Or her. How did he get here? To a time where he got excited about going home, or wanting to get to work late because he is too busy spending extra time with his girls.

His mind is set. He doesn’t need the job. Investments have been made. He can live an honest life. Maybe. The two of you could have a store. Or do absolutely nothing for a while. Just enjoy each other.

Stepping back into the bedroom, he slides into the spot behind you. His arm moves over your hip, and he lays a hand on Lyla. Her lips pucker out a bit before wiggling close to you, and you give her a kiss to her forehead. “You smell good,” you hum.

“Stop wiggling your ass on me.”

“But you’re warm, and smell good.”

“If you want to keep snuggling our daughter, you better quit. Because I will make you take her to her room, so I can fuck you long and hard,” gasping, you peek behind you to look at him. “Don’t look at me like that. It’s not a threat.”

“Fine,” you exhale, starting to close your eyes again. It just feels so much more comfortable when Lloyd is in the bed with you. There’s a rightness to it.

“Is there anything you wanted to do before you got here with us?”

“An art gallery,” whispering, you give Lyla another kiss. It’s a simple answer, and if Lloyd did any light digging into your college degree, he’d know you wanted a life in the art world.

“I will buy you an art gallery,” you snort out a laugh, and his hand moves from Lyla to your breast, and he pinches your nipple. You bite your tongue to not make too much noise. “I’m serious. What if I let all this go? It’s just you and I. A very chic art gallery. Lyla growing up around this rich and creative life.”

“You’re serious?” Did he really say what you think he said? Give it all up.

“Yeah. I don’t think I can continue to be away from you. I’d like to think we’ll have another baby bee or two. I can’t do that if I’m dead. I don’t want to continue to bring all this ugly fear and possibilities into our home. I have enemies, and lots of them. I put you and our children in danger. I can’t have both that life and you. And it’s you and her that I have to choose.”

Lloyd’s face buries into your neck. Nipping along your sensitive skin. Feeling at ease with his decision. He’d get everything situated. He’d give you your dreams, since you have given him his. Being out of this life, and everyday with you, just makes complete sense.

“You sure you don’t want to put Lyla Bee in her bed?”

“No, hers seeping. And hers is really cozy and comfy and warm on her mommy.”

“I love hearing you talking like this,” he shifts slightly, placing his mouth at the shell of your ear. Exhaling just enough to awaken your core, “But I will wake you up with my dick inside you.”

“The baby,” your voice trembles as you try to remain still. You just never know with Lloyd. It’s what makes him so exciting.

“I’ll get her all cleaned up, fed, and in her own bed. I know why you have her in here with you. My needy sweet girl. You are so touch starved, and I love giving you attention. Especially touching you,” how are you supposed to fall asleep now? How can your body get turned on that quickly, and now how are you going just left to drift off. “Get some sleep. You’ll need it.”

“You can’t say things like that, daddy.”

“Shhh…”

Frustrating. He can whisper those things in your ear, setting you on edge. Making sure you wake up horny and ready to take him. Fine. You’ll just wait for when he gets Lyla fed and asleep in her own bed. Like he could be stealthy enough that you don’t wake up with them.

—

You failed.

You failed miserably. You slept through Lloyd waking up, and tending to Lyla, getting her in bed, all while you slept. “Lloyd! Untie me!” His grin turns sinister as he shakes his head no. “Daddy,” you make your voice weak, hoping it entices him to do just that. Not being able to hold him is just cruel.

“Don’t daddy me. You earned this. Do you remember your safe word,” narrowing your eyes, you nod once. “Then say it,” you wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. “There’s my stubborn girl.”

His boxers are so tented. Straining from his hard length, and if he’s just going to stand there, making you drool over his cock that is pressing so hard against its confines then he is cruel. Your lower lip puckers out as you look down your body. At least you’re still dressed. “Daddy.”

“How much does she need me,” the infuriating thing about this man is his need to talk about you instead of to you. His knee presses into the mattress and yanks your thighs apart before crawling in between your legs. Noticing the glint from his knife too late as he cuts away your satin shorts, and moves up to your shirt. He could have just unbuttoned that. But why would he do the easy or normal thing? No, he just likes to cut them off.

“Shh, I’ll buy you some more,” he whispers, running the blade down the middle of your body. The icy coolness from the metal leaves chill bumps in its wake.

He peels the shreds off you, and drops them onto the floor, before his darkened eyes peer up at you, “No panties?” Your response is a glare. Wishing he’d just get a move on it. “Hmm,” he settles between your legs and gazes up at your weeping cunt. “What has got her so wet? My, my, my. She is soaked. I wonder if it’s me or just being tied up. Or,” he glances up at you with a murderous smile.

Sticking his tongue out, he licks a strip up through your center, moaning in satisfied hunger. “I knew it,” he does it again, but keeps his tongue hanging out of his mouth as he pulls up. A string of your arousal connects the two of you as he keeps those blackened eyes on you. “You’re ovulating.”

You shake your head no with a smile. He’s crazy. Insane. You are on birth control. “Are you so filled with lust you don’t even remember what we decided?” Oh. That. “We decided you would stop taking your pills. Now, here’s where we are now. The chances are higher for you to get pregnant. Before we get started, and you’re filled with desire and not brains, do you want me to come in your cunt, on you, or your mouth. It’s a big decision, I know.”

It is a big decision. Because his warmth inside of you feels so good. He snaps his fingers, “Don’t go into that space. You’ll get fucked regardless. But where am I putting my cum?”

“I don’t — I don’t want to decide.”

“Then I’m wearing a condom.”

“Why?”

“Because you aren’t in the right mind frame to make this decision. You’re acting on just your body‘s feelings,” he’s right. But there are other options of birth control. It doesn’t have to just be pulling out.

“Come in me, and then a morning after pill,” Lloyd nods towards the dresser. Of course he’d have one ready. “You’re not questioning me?”

“Why would I?” Yes, you get the contradiction. You stopped birth control, and now are using an alternative. But you just can’t think past wanting to feel him. “When you’re not tied up, and spread eagle, maybe you’ll think differently. But you just want me to fuck you and fill you with my seed, huh?”

“Yes, daddy.”

“I do really like looking at this pussy though. She looks gorgeous, all wet, and ready to take me. Lyla is dozing off with her lullabies playing and you are just ripe for the taking.”

“So take me,” your threat or warning, whichever, is enough for him to position himself. Lloyd runs his aching, throbbing cock through your folds, while you stare at him sheepishly. “I can’t touch you.”

“I just enjoy seeing you squirm,” he responds before crashing into your warmth with no warning. Leaving your head to lean back as the utmost pleasure of having his length fill you up with a sharp pain. Taking him is a hard task. “Don’t you ever get used to me, Dolly,” he grunts before pulling out, and spearing hard back into you.

You whine as he bottoms out. Jerking on your restraints as you try to ground yourself with his body. “It’s a bit of an effort,” he starts to pull out again, and slams into your wet heat. Your toes curl at such a harsh intrusion, and you want more. “But I still think your pretty little cunt was made to take me.”

His hips piston into you quickly. Over and over he pounds into your body, and you can’t do anything, but take it. Take his heavy cock. Take every inch of him. Every jolt of his body pushing into you, you take. “Such a good sweet girl. You’re not even arguing with me. You like my cock too much, huh?”

“Uh huh,” with that admission he fucks into you so hard you feel him in the depths of your soul. His body becomes one with you. The most vulgar way that you can think of to accept that the two of you are one. You are a team, never to be split. Together forever. This is the man that you will live for and die with. The man that will burn the world down if it means saving you and his family.

He’s it.

He’s everything.

And yes, you do take him so well.

Even the slight tinge of discomfort feels amazing as your cunt stretches to accommodate him. You will get to experience him, this life, a new life, all of it forever. Have more adorable babies. Have a life you’re happy in. A life you’ve dreamed about. Away from the violence and secrets. A life that you’ll be okay with raising a family. A life different than the one you were raised in.

This is it.

All you’ve ever wanted.

Right here in this home.

Right here in your body.

“Stay with me, Dolly. Don’t you go all dumb before I come inside you.”

“Daddy, I love you.”

“Love you, too, baby,” he’s so deep into your body, you feel his head swell as he empties his load into you. “Mmm,” you sigh as his warmth fills up your swollen pussy.

He leans forward to kiss on your forehead, while his hands undo your cuffs. Your arm drop free, and you pull him close to you. His lips still press warmly against your cheek as he starts to pull away. “Don’t go.”

“I was getting the pill.”

“It can wait,” he shuffles to lay beside you, but pulls you on top of him instead. “It can wait until next time.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“Then don’t worry about it.”

“What — changed your mind?”

“Just this once. Once a month,” his brow cocks up, and he smiles. “Once a month you get to have unprotected sex. The rest of the month, you pull out,” he says your real name, but you cover his mouth. “Unless you don’t want to. Then you can wear a condom,” Lloyd shakes his head. “Would you be okay with it if I happened to get pregnant?”

“Dolly, I’m okay with whatever you want to do. My life is yours, and pretty sure it has been since the first moment I saw you. I’m all yours. However you want this to go. Just don’t tell me to go away.”

“I’d never.”

And you wouldn’t. Not ever.

He is yours, and you are his.

And with your touch, you changed his entire world. His entire being.

Forever.

The End, friend. Or is it...?

Next

Masterlist

Taglist: @tis-thedamn-season @marveloustaylortot @rnurse-kole @peaches1958 @seitmai

@smile1318 @andydrysdalerogers @cjand10 @midnightramyeoncravings @kmc1989

@pandaxnienke @theinheriteddutchess @rainydayandmondays @buckybarnesisdaddy @patzammit

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@saranghae012 @rogersbarber @tas-renee @kmm-fluv

[vonbabbitt]

What are the upsides to leaving yourself open like this to the community (answering questions, etc) and the downsides? Which do you find outweighs the other?

this is a really insightful question anon!!

i think there are definitely upsides and downsides and i definitely dont think leaving yourself open to the community is the best approach for everyone. heres what i could think of off the top of my head

upsides

im really grateful to have a community that does things like make fanart and write fanfic and make music. you guys contribute so much to the tetro fandom that i want to be able to return that respect to you in whatever way i can, and i feel like completely cutting myself off from the people who make fandom content feels ungrateful for what theyve given me! my word does carry some degree of weight within the tetro fandom specifically (since i made tetro) so if people get excited at seeing me respond to their art or their prompts then i wanna be able to give them that feeling in return for contributing

you guys have some really insightful things to say about tetro sometimes and i enjoy seeing how you interpret and process my writing, it gives me some thoughts on how i want to write in the future, what i did well and what i may be doing poorly

im a bit of a social person and i like to chat with you guys! its nice to feel like i have a place where i can share random thoughts with you guys and get conversational responses - i like connection!

i feel like some of the things i have to say can be helpful for people trying to go down a similar path to myself - by no means am i some beacon of writing or fangans or anything but if people like what i make and want to make something similar or have questions about the fangan community/creation process, i do feel like i have enough authority on the subject to advise accordingly!

downsides

the hate. theres not a ton of it, but when it does come up, its hurtful and stressful. im kind of hard on myself by nature so i really take that stuff to heart and can end up sitting on it for a while which isnt great for my general mental health

not every critique is something i need to see. again, im no beacon of writing, but sometimes people send me criticisms that are just blatantly incorrect or total misinterpretations of my work. im admittedly sensitive and seeing those critiques, even when i know theyre wrong, stresses me out. it makes me wanna jump in and be like "no!! its not like that!!! its like x!!" but i know i cant do that

scrutiny. once you go public with your presence as a creator, you are under constant scrutiny. people discuss you, everything you say and everything you do. it makes me nervous about saying or doing anything at all in tetro spaces, because i know its going to be picked apart and read into.

parasocialism. this one is the most uncomfortable of the downsides. people who try hard to become my friend not because of anything about me personally, but because i made tetro. people who think they understand me personally based solely on my online presence. ive had many many many people step over the boundaries of creator and fan throughout my time in tetro. it makes me really uncomfortable when people claim to know what im thinking or claim to understand me on this super deep level thats just disingenuous when theyve never even had a one-on-one conversation with me

honestly theres quite a few upsides and downsides. as strange as it might sound, my general advice to most fangan creators would be not to be so acccessible. the fangan community, for all the fun it houses and all the amazing creativity it produces, can be incredibly mean and often holds inexperienced creators to insane standards. i do feel like im held to an unfair standard in the fangan community - this is my first public project and im frequently insulted for not being on par with TV shows or AAA productions or things made by entire massive teams with budgets. i feel like in most other spaces, theres a certain expectation that people are just having fun and making content because they enjoy it, so im not sure why the opposite seems so prevalent for the fangan community

regardless, i do like being accessible, and i love my community, and i think the way i do things works for me. ive been learning when to pull back and how to process both valid critique and unnecessary cruelty. if you want to have a public presence, you have to learn the skills required to be accessible without being miserable. i think this is hard for a lot of people, so generally, i recommend keeping a low profile, but thats just the opinion of one random babbitt i suppose

[ekat-fandom-blog]

Barbie and the Secret Door!DPxDC AU

I've always wanted to see a Barbie AU so I'm gonna make one. If you've never seen BatSD, you can find the plot here. (Btw, at the very end there's a clip where Malucia's parents come back from a trip and laughingly ask her if she attempted to take over the kingdom again. I recommend watching or listening to the songs because they perfectly describe how delusional almost every single character is. I love you grandma and little fairy girl for being two of the most grounded characters in this movie.)

First, the roles:

The Grandmother played by Alfred.

Princess Alexa played by newly picked up Jason.

Nori and Romy played by Sam and Johnny.

Queen Unicorn played by Dan.

Unicorns played by Danny, Dani, and Vlad.

Princess Malucia played by Youngblood.

The Main Attendant played by Aragon.

Sniffers played by Walker and Skulker.

The Little Fairy Girl played by Star.

Second, tweaking the story:

Instead of fairies/mermaids/unicorns, it's vampires (amity parkers), nagas (ghosts), and banshees (halfas). trogs (the attendants) and sniffers (idk they're like bloodhounds) are nagas as well.

All animals are mostly normal w/just enough magic that they glow.

Vampires have purple or red eyes, sharper-than-normal teeth and nails, pointed ears, and the ability to turn into bats.

Nagas have green or red eyes, sharp teeth and nails, a tail, and the ability to turn into a snake.

Banshees have neon green or red eyes, sharper-than-normal nails, and the ability to tell when someone's close to death.

Stealing their magic turns them into humans.

Youngblood is a naga who doesn't have an ability (therefore is the most human looking of the nagas) and has decided to steal everyone's magic because he deserves it. (via Malucia's scepter) He hasn't stolen the castle servants' magic because it would make things harder for him.

Skulker and Walker don't "sniff out magic".

They've yet to realize that humans need to eat and drink water on a regular basis.

Jason's 11 years old, Youngblood's 6(?), Danny's 10, Dani's 8, Star's 11, Johnny's 12, Sam's 11. The rest (on the list) are adults.

Something I'm not gonna tweak: the fact that the palace servants don't try to revolt or usurp Princess Malucia. They seem extremely tired.

Now, onto the actual idea:

Jason is very nervous and untrusting of his new surroundings. His favorite activities are sneaking books from the library into his room and going to school. He's very resistant to interacting with Bruce because if he is like how the rumors say he is, how is he supposed to fight him off? Alfred notices and gives him a fairy tale book written by one of Bruce's ancestors about the house.

The book leads him to a door in one of the rooms he's never been in. This door leads to a fantasy world. There are tons of bright colors and weird plants. He spots a glowing, green puppy and starts following it. He wasn't paying much attention to his surroundings and was confronted by Johnny and Sam. (Johnny trips because he isn't used to having legs.) However, they notice the clothes he's wearing and realize that he's not from there and probably has no idea what's going on.

They tell him that the Evil Prince Youngblood has been stealing everyone's magic. Since Jason doesn't have any he might be able to help them. When Jason asks why they can't do anything, they reply with something along the lines of "how would we sneak past the guards or win a fight against them? we don't know how human bodies work."

Eventually, they start leading Jason back to their base when they nearly get caught by Walker and Skulker. Thankfully, the two get distracted by a rock thrown by Star and they get to the base quickly. (Unbeknownst to them, Star gets caught.)

Jason sees that a good portion of the camp has been stripped of their magic and made human. They seem to be rather disheartened at their situation. This makes him want to help (especially when he meets Danny, Dani, and Vlad and learn they're being hunted more religiously than anyone else.)

POV changes to Star's. She's being led into a large reception hall where a tall, shadowy figure is sitting on a throne on a raised platform. Then the lights come on and she sees that it's just a child sitting on a raised throne. (if you don't want to look at the image: the platform is eight half steps high, the throne is 9 steps high)

Youngblood ignores Ember, Walker, and Skulker in favor of Aragon and his plans to throw a celebration after becoming the most magical prince ever. Walker and Skulker gain their attention and announce that they've caught another naga child. Youngblood gets upset with them for not finding the much-more-magical banshees, but quickly turns his attention to Star and demands she gives him her magic. Then, he forces her to play games with him, Aragon, and his two guards.

Switch to Youngblood's POV. Walker and Skulker come back into the room to announce that they are certain that they know where the Banshee King is. Star starts to ask how they found him before snapping her mouth shut, which Youngblood decides means that she probably knows something. He goes to talk to Walker and Skulker and finds they know the general location (a forest) that he's in, not the exact location.

While he isn't happy, he does have an idea. He tells Aragon to prepare to go get the Banshee King. He then looks overly surprised that Star's there and tells her that she can leave since she's not of use to him. Once she's out of the room, he orders Skulker and Walker to follow her.

Back to Jason. He's figuring out a plan to sneak into Youngblood's castle and get everyone's magic back. Then Star bursts into the hideout and tells everyone that Youngblood took her magic and has the location of the Banshee King. Jason was going to ignore that when Danny and Dani started crying about their big brother being in danger. Now he's got a plan to go with Sam and Johnny to retrieve Dan.

When they get back to the base with Dan, they find everyone captured and depowered (with the three banshees missing.) He tries to fight Youngblood, but loses because of not knowing how to deal with magic. (also there's like 4 guards surrounding Youngblood.)

Youngblood says something about how powerless Jason is as he and his lackeys are leaving that almost causes him to give up and go back to the manor. Sam convinces him to stay and help because they'd not have gotten to Dan in such a short amount of time without his planning.

So, he plans.

He gets a small group into the castle and they watch as Youngblood takes the last of Dan's magic from him. The group is convinced they were too late and that they can't do anything now. (Youngblood has used his scepter to turn the reception room into a party room filled with all types of sweets.) But Jason noticed that there was a small crack in Youngblood's scepter, meaning if he hit it just right with enough force he could break it.

It was a gamble, but it worked. He broke the scepter and everyone got their magic back. Youngblood got clean up duty (because there's still candy and cake everywhere.) And Jason was more confident in being able to handle himself.

After Jason leaves back to the mansion, Youngblood's parents come back (he's still cleaning up his mess) and ask him if he tried to take over the kingdom again. His punishment is going to need to wait until after they give him his presents. (much to Aragon's disapproval)

Jason (in the mansion) probably puts the book in his room and decides to get training from Bruce. (and become robin)

[thethiefandtheairbender]

Had a good chat with my partner about it today that maybe let me put a finger on what's always bugged me about "we're here to fix canon" attitudes being so prevalent in fandom (especially in the past 10ish years) throughout my life. This is not to say there's never a time or place for that (I've written fix its myself, or the occasional meta on how something could be fixed/improved) or that people are wrong to (we're anti fandom policing). It's also not an issue to me on the basis of "I love my blorbo in canon and fandom mischaracterizes them in the name of 'fixing' them" etc as it is just... coming from a fundamentally different perspective for story analysis / interaction than most (not all) people in fandom, I think.

One of the reasons I enjoyed getting my English degree was because I was finally being encouraged to and taught in alignment with what my brain had always be inclined to do: you always assume that there's a reason, and a good reason, for the story to do whatever it's doing. It assumes that the story is already exactly what it is supposed to be as it is supposed to be, and it's up to you to find the reasons Why.

The story was boring, or made you feel uncomfortable/bad, or you couldn't root for a character or relationship? All of that, at least at the beginning, doesn't really Matter. You assume that the story is paced fine, you assume the discomfort was intentional or part of something broader (historical shit that hasn't aged well) or that the dichotomy of "I feel invested or not invested" isn't useful. And in doing so, you replace all that with asking why.

An example I'll use is 1984 by George Orwell. I read that book in high school and I fucking hated it. Normally, I like the protagonist the most in anything I watch/read, but in that book, I loathed both the two leads and were actively rooting for them to be captured and tortured so the book could end faster; it was an actively miserable affair. I don't think that was necessarily the author's intention (certain amount of death of the author is baked in, but for a lot of the texts I was reading, we didn't even know the author or anything substantial about them, i.e. Beowulf) but, more importantly, I don't think any of those things are Flaws or downsides in the text.

Part of this is because 1984 is a dystopian novel (if a romcom book breaks genre convention that badly where you're miserable reading it, yeah, maybe something went wrong, but more on that in a minute) but even then it doesn't really matter on the basis of genre; I'm sure some people read 1984 and felt fascinated/excited while reading.

Rather, the focus becomes: what do I find so unlikeable about the protagonists? Why would they be written that way (on purpose)? What does it say about the society they live in? What does it say about their characterization, social stratification, etc etc? If a character does something that I think is non-sensical, why? Have I missed something? Should I watch retrospectively for clues? Is there another way to engage and to understand? Is what I label as confusion potentially a, or the, Point?

It is only after finding the reasons, and/or finding them unsuitable, that I let my subjective feelings into play. While a story can have great merit on the basis of relatability, relatability or "this aligns with my worldview / expectations / desires / etc." is not the be-all end-all of discerning quality

For example, I'm never going to be a fan of Jane and Rochester (she's 18, he's her 40 year old employer who routinely lies to her) but there are reasons, Good reasons, they get together in Jane Eyre (a book so subjectively boring I struggled through it twice) in response to both when the book was written and with the book's themes / symbols / their characterization. If they didn't end up together, it would be a fundamentally different story; it would not be Jane Eyre. So objectively, it's fine and an understandably massive influence on the western literary canon; subjectively, it's so fucking bad and I'm so glad I never have to read it again. But if I stopped there with my lack of interest or dislike of the main romance, I'd be missing out on what the text has to offer as well, the text.

This applies to more modern day stuff as well. I don't like Double Trouble from SheRa as nonbinary representation, and I'm nonbinary myself; however, I can acknowledge that the things I don't like about them were probably simultaneously empowering and exactly what the author (who is also nonbinary) wanted to be per his own experience of gender. Having a "I assume the text is right" mindset means that I can hold space for my own feelings/analysis (i.e. I also did not like Catra's arc, as I think she needed to learn other things / be written under a different lens) while holding space for the text as is (under the canonical lens of Catra learning it's never too late to be saved, I think her arc is conclusive and well done). And these two viewpoints aren't fundamentally opposed, but can coexist as analytical soup, being equally true / having equal value under the subjective (my view) and more 'objective' (the canon text's construction, or what I / the scholarly consensus, if it exists, believes it to be, anyway) at the same time.

Again, none of this is to say that you can't take issue with a canon text, or want to change something. I remember one time I was watching a show where their refusal to explore a romantic relationship between the female lead and her guy best friend was actively making the show worse; I understood their reasonings of wanting to put them with other people to explore their relationships, and wanting to emphasize a male-female friendship at the core of the story, and I still wanted them to put the two together as a Ship instead for various reasons. But that doesn't mean my line of thinking would've been Objectively Better—assuming if they had been paired together would've been executed in the manner I'd enjoy, or that them being paired with other people couldn't have been executed in ways I would've enjoyed more—merely that I likely would've enjoyed the series more per my own subjective preferences.

What I see in fandom sometimes is that people, understandably, aren't approaching at the start from a "the story always has a good reason" as much as they are speed-running from a "this didn't make sense to me or felt bad/off" and maybe examining why (which is supremely useful!) but not going back to examine the other side of the coin as to why the story would do it anyway.

Because sometimes the story—or a part of a story—is still 'bad' to us. It's just worthwhile to look at why it's 'good,' too.

[uncanny-tranny]

Another bonus to learning a fiber art is being able to speak to others in a Lovecraftian language that nobody else understands...

...and also being able to read things like THIS:

[youtube-fucker]

Yeah I think I'll just make a separate blog for this stuff now... but in the meantime!

Look! It's a kid! They're having fun! They have their tongue out! They're winking! They're being silly!

Surely nothing bad would happen to them, right?

...

You wouldn't hurt them, would you?

...

Would you?

Would you hurt them?

Are you sure you wouldn't?

W O U L D Y O U ?

W H Y ' D . . . Y O U . . . D O . . . I T . . . ?

Anyways! Credit to @howlonomy once again! I hope you enjoyed... whatever the fuck this is!

[ifmagicexists]

i'm sure it's been said somewhere before but thinking very hard about "no man, however great, can know his destiny. like everyone he must live and learn, and so it must be for the young warlock.." like. the very first line of the entire series. explicitly said by kilgarrah to apply to merlin as well. and yet kilgarrah tried otherwise. he told merlin up front what his destiny was and tried to push him away from living through the bad things whenever possible.

and it feels like kilgarrah reflecting on everything after the fact because he thought he could change it!! he thought maybe by telling him the good stuff it could be happy this time. maybe merlin could become the greatest warlock and help arthur become a great leader and fulfil all of those prophecies and make all those great things happen but also he could kill mordred and destroy morgana and erase all his enemies and still be that great person.

except he couldn't, of course. and by telling him and trying to control the narrative kilgarrah sealed his fate; destiny doesn't allow for choices. it just doesn't work like that, and they all learned, and kilgarrah lived and learned and is left simply with that lesson: that no one can know their destiny.

[sinful-karateka]

let me be a bit serious for a sec: i've been observing a couple of sentiments here about how there's a lack of binary boyfriends art in circulation with season 6 upon us and the show's foreseeable end. while i agree on that front, and as one of the fellow artists who started making art for the ship in the early years of the show (sketches, full rendered pieces, gifs -- you name it), i would like to emphasize that fanart is not meant to be a one-time piece of "content" that passes by our dashboards. they take time. they take energy. the next person you follow has a life you may not know anything about, and working on these pieces are labor of love.

if you find something that makes you feel a certain and positive way, let the creators know! again: fanart is not fleeting content. they can be evergreen content, but never seasonal. and most often than not, you'd see an artist share these pieces as a love letter to the ship itself first, then everyfan second.

i hope we think twice about this before calling out a recession or drought, because the last thing creators need is to feel like what we make is subjected to scrutinizing numbers until it gets lost in the muddied waters, when it's really meant to be discovered if people mean to look hard enough. they're pieces of history that deserve to exist for as long as this hellhole is still alive. these are products of their time today, and hopefully for the next groups over who will love the boys as much as we do now.

scroll through the main ship tag. travel to different ones, to different places. commission your artists and maybe find an honest middle ground if you can't compensate! or better yet, make one yourself you know you'd be proud of anyway!

and look, not every piece of art is for everyone, but if any piece isn't your drift, that's understandable -- you can silently say that's very cool, like, reblog if you're even more generous, leave a few encouraging words, then move on.

i don't want this to come across as a sermon, but take it from a concerned fan to another who also wants to create and see stuff for these babies. you can't win them all, but your acknowledgement helps keep the ship and our craft alive.

[sskk-manifesto]

!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[not-another-robin]

My opinion does not hold any weight bc I am literally delusional about these fuckers

[collgeruledzebra]

could-be-nothing realization of the day that i came to while listening to 99% Invisible: kane and feels is sound designed like a documentary

[lovelyisadora]

I think it would actually kill my mother to respond like a normal person to things

[chirpsythismorning]

📝 💐 🛼 💔⏪️💭🧊🌄❤️‍🩹

More Than Words by Extreme

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[jackass-jones]

Yeah the mouthwash game is pretty good