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thesinglesjukebox · 3 months ago

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DOECHII - "NISSAN ALTIMA"

youtube

Accelerating right to the top of our charts...

[8.44]

Ian Mathers: I hadn't forgotten "What It Is," but this one hits like Doechii wants me to. Two minutes (and it feels like it's that long because the job is done, not for some algorithm), high intensity, great delivery, and I think even a better chorus. Definitely the only earworm I've heard in a while prominently featuring the phrase "face fuck." [9]

Alfred Soto: With Rapsody and Noname releasing excellent work in the last two years, we're living in a fecund time for female-identifying singer-rappers. "Nissan Altima" proves she can do the slither-tongued swagger as well as anyone. "I'm the trap Grace Jones," she admits after a trip to Spain results in tsunami-ing someone's vagina. [9]

Mark Sinker: It’s like you can’t say "cunnilingus dalai lama” without me handing myself over to a Doechii YouTube deep-dive for hours on end, happy as a dim little lamb in some Cenobite Hellraiser dimension. Sometimes she’s even gentle and charming, like the director dropping out of character to explain the logic of a move. Not here though — and anyway those are never the best bits, though they are the most reassuring. The best is when her mind is flashing at frightening speed and the words and voicings and just grunts are breaking open into unexpected hidden corridors, running at angles behind the walls to energies you didn’t quite want to imagine, maybe. [9]

Katherine St. Asaph: It took me several (exuberant) listens to figure out what this reminds me of: the sparkly instrumentals and kinetic charismatic presence of early Azealia Banks, except better because to my knowledge Doechii is not a rampaging drama-seeking TERF. [9]

Al Varela: You know, we've had such a rough streak of terrible fast raps from Eminem and Eminem wannabes lately that it's easy to forget how fun fast raps can be when it's done well. Doechii immediately jumps in with this roller-coaster flow in the first verse after the chorus that's so infectious that if the song was just that verse and two choruses I would have been satisfied. But the second verse is just as good! Doechii is such a firespitter and some of her pop concessions make me forget that sometimes. Glad to have a song where she truly proves herself and reminds us she can and will take over the rap game when the time is right. [9]

Jel Bugle: A short rap song, not too bad. I liked the brief acapella bits, and change of speed. [6]

Will Adams: Initially the brief run-time felt unsatisfactory. But when you pack as many scorching lines (and line deliveries) as Doechii does in "Nissan Altima"'s 120 seconds, who cares? [7]

Taylor Alatorre: Even when listened to with intent, the refrain registers not as individual words but as a percussive barrage of obscenity, which is more or less how Doechii wants it. It can still be diagrammed if you're into that, but its purpose is to soften you up for the more stylish and surgically targeted body blows to follow. She's unsparing yet economical with her flows, always giving the impression that there's more to her than what she’s choosing to reveal at the moment. She uses the breaks in the instrumental to fool you into thinking a beat switch is coming -- it never does -- but when it starts up again the beat feels slightly fresher than it did a few seconds ago. "Give us nothing,” but unironically. [8]

Nortey Dowuona: All rise and put your sticks up for the motherfucking Princess and that short ass second verse. [10]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

#doechii #music #rap #hip-hop #music writing #music reviews #music criticism #the singles jukebox #Youtube

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vivianbernadetteaurora · 1 year ago

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So how do we go to this to what we famously know now with Cardi B and Nicki Minaj this is the 2018 Met gala. Jeremy Scott was designing both Cardy and Nikki‘s dresses. I believe and the theme was Catholicism. I believe if not Catholicism religion. Azealia Banks said when you see wars with men in the hip-hop industry online, it’s really a love is tiff And as we know by now in the industry, your have to be pansexual or it will at least bisexual that’s just how it seems to work, I know a lot of you may not believe but I alone items but how come so I’m glad. It’s just like the Nikki and Kim situation, so if it’s the same situation, we have Nicki, Minaj and Lil’ Kim in the early 2000 late 2000s even Nicki Minaj is known by many ofher peers for not liking them specially women, and and industry, you’ll see love its death but the industry also loves a good PR move where they will set up a thing where two people hate each other did round to give them both publicity going into their charts and their kids are Sagittarius, son and Aquarius rising and a Virgo moon, Cardi B is a libra son and Aries moon, and wherever you want to believe which ever source some people said she said on Instagram is who she has Sagittarius rising and obviously say she’s an Aries rising and personally seeing the look more of a Sagittarius rising, especially of her hair and her look and her face shape, but I can always see the Aries rising in her. Let’s face it they’re both fire signs anyway, so they have quite quality qualities that are similar. Rhianna is an Aries rising and she has a cockiness and good sense of humour and can be a laugh so she could have that anyway from just having an Aries moon. So how did this all start this started when Cardi B and Nicki Minaj both worked on a track called motorsport ,with the with the Migos, and they were never in the video together, they would do it separately, and one of the verses on it, you felt was disrespectful to her from nicki….. so they change the lyrics so are they were aimed at quavo, instead because women be fighting a lot and these two women have more in common than they probably realise or care to realise and a lot of it came from Nikki was defending for my remember black women, because Cardi B said some, women’s child look like a monkey and Dominicans are so I’ve been told very funny about their race. They don’t admit to being black a lot of the time when it’s clearly they’ve got black and Spanish roots so having her cancer cancer rules anyway, but Mars cancer even more so because you have to remember with Mars that Mars is your essence of your characteristic, how you move in the world, how you are every day how you are physically physically as in moving around and physically how you look so I has been up for a lot of times same how they talk with Meghan Markle who also has her Mars in cancer. It’s just one of those things are going out in her life. The picture we have at the top is at the Gala and Cardi B is pregnant and I don’t know if anything gets happened at this point I’m guessing not, but I feel like something might have, but Cardi B let’s face. It was probably stripping to Nikki‘s songs so when it came where they had their fight it was at the harpers, bizarre fashion event and Cardi B threw a shoe at Nicki Minaj Nicki Minaj kept saying I’m right here I’m right here get me I’m right here but no realised that she had her bodyguard which I thought was weird is a female someone called raw Ali, she’s really pretty, but she’s very big anyway they’re two different sides. Of course you leave the event with a massive bump on her head so she got she said she got hit by security or hurt by security where as Nikki said on her radio that she got beat in the crap out of my raw Ali, who is Nikki security so maybe she saying in undertone I don’t know but maybe Nikki had loads of security around her and that’s why she didn’t get hurt because card had only just come out that year so she’s not gonna have as much money or as much of

Team.

Anyway, Nikki‘s Capricorn, marsis in opposition to Cardi B‘s Mars in cancer, so saying that Cardi B could’ve felt frightened by Nikki‘sm Nikki’s essence and her character and her personality and her energy ,in a manipulative way, because cancer can be manipulative, and Capricorns can initiative but mars and Capricorn love fame Capricorn,in MARS I see it being a massive fame placement and a lot of charts because I’m also doing scrapbooking too with my astrology and then, Cardi B‘s whole aggression could’ve felt frightening to Nikki‘s image. Anyway, we’re gonna leave it at that leave fusing to Azealia Banks and all her feuds had enough of that for one day. These women have both matured and become others, and as far as I know, there’s no more feuds with these two. Let’s keep it that way let me know who side you’re on. Let me know if you’re on impartial. Let me know if you think it was all here and let me also know what you think on the matter. Thank you kiss kiss kiss XOXO

#cardi b #nicki minaj #astro placements #astro observations #astro community #astroblr #aquarius rising #libra sun #sagittarius sun #virgo moon #aries moon #music industry #industry feuds

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obtusemedia · 6 years ago

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Top 25 Songs of 2018: Honorable Mentions

It’s year-end list season again! And with that comes my sixth annual top 25 list.

But before we countdown the best that 2018 gave us, here’s 15 songs that just missed the cut. Like in 2017, this year had more quantity than quality when it came to singles, meaning although there were only a couple legitimate contenders for the top spot, there were plenty of solid songs that I had to give a shout out to. So apologies to great acts like boygenius, Florence+The Machine and Childish Gambino (although he easily had the best music video this year) for just missing the cut.

Let’s get into it!

“Nobody” by Mitski

There are plenty of songs about loneliness, but Mitski turns that emotion into insanity on “Nobody.”

Her emotions ramp up and become more desperate throughout the indie-pop track, as Mitski’s pleads for companionship intensify. She wants to find love, but frankly, she also just needs human connection. And as the one-word chorus repeats into oblivion — “Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody...” the situation becomes more and more helpless.

My main issue with Mitski’s 2018 album, Be The Cowboy, was that most of the short vignette-style songs weren’t memorable. That’s not the case for the manic, disco-tinged “Nobody,” which instantly became a standout in her impressive catalog.

“Heat Wave” by Snail Mail

I’m not sure what it says about indie rock that its most hyped newcomer is mostly copying the sounds of the ‘90s, but when the tunes are as good as “Heat Wave,” I’m not going to complain.

Nineteen-year-old prodigy Lindsey Jordan, aka Snail Mail, delivers with a simple love song perfect for lazy summer days. Jordan’s vocals are charmingly warbly and mesh well with the crunchy guitars that wouldn’t sound out of place on a Pavement album. It’s catchy enough for soccer moms and with enough alt-rock nostalgia to grab any indie rocker’s ear. There’s a good reason Snail Mail’s star has shot to the top this year among the Pitchfork set.

“Me and Michael” by MGMT

IT’S THE COMEBACK OF THE CENTURY!

That’s not even hyperbole: After they released three generation-defining classic singles, MGMT’s relevance disappeared after their 2010 album Congratulations intentionally alienated audiences (despite being pretty solid). Then, their 2013 self-titled album was straight-up bad.

But thankfully, MGMT decided to return to the synthpop jams that brought them success 11 years ago, while keeping their weirdo quirks intact. And it was a winning formula, as the bombastic single “Me and Michael” proves.

“Michael” is painfully ‘80s, from the glittery keyboards to the thundering drum machine beat. Yet, many of the instruments are off-key and frontman Andrew VanWyngarden’s hipstery vocals aren’t exactly Duran Duran-esque. And the clash of styles helps create a solid tune, the band’s best in eight years.

“Elastic” by Joey Purp

Remember how Azealia Banks used to pump out hip-house bangers like it wasn’t even hard? Then she lost her mind, and now “212″ is a relic of a better time.

Thankfully, Chicago native Joey Purp is picking up the slack, although he puts a much more minimalist spin on the sound. “Elastic” is a very simple, skeletal song, with Purp nearly mumbling over a steady, bouncing beat with couple vocal samples to liven things up. “Elastic” shows that when it comes to club bangers, you really don’t need to overthink things.

“Nameless, Faceless” by Courtney Barnett

Melbourne indie rocker Courtney Barnett’s second album, Tell Me How You Really Feel, had a noticeably more frustrated outlook than her 2015 debut. A prime example is the album’s lead single, “Nameless, Faceless,” all about the difficulties of being a woman in a world that treats them horribly.

Barnett goes after internet trolls during the song’s verses with the droll, snarky tone that made her indie-famous, but the chorus is where things take a dark turn. Paraphrasing The Handmaid’s Tale author Margaret Atwood, Barnett sings, “Men are scared that women will laugh at them ... Women are scared that men will kill them.” She then adds that she holds her keys between her fingers in-between her fingers to protect herself at night.

It’s a fearful song for fearful times, and more proof that Barnett is one of indie rock’s best songwriters.

“Electricity” by Silk City and Dua Lipa

Producer giants Diplo and Mark Ronson teamed up to create a perfect homage to ‘90s house. It’s bouncy, effervescent, and features one of pop’s best voices: Dua Lipa. The fact that a dance jam this perfect was only barely a hit in the U.S. is a total shame.

“After The Storm” by Kali Uchis feat. Tyler, The Creator and Bootsy Collins

I’m not typically an R&B guy, but I couldn’t resist newcomer Kali Uchis’ debut Isolation this year, especially its smooth throwback single, “After The Storm.”

Uchis glides over the off-key synth backdrop, expressing post-breakup optimism with ease. The sticky melody and relaxed vibe are helped out by a blast of smooth (if off-kilter) loverman shtick from Tyler, The Creator and some fun adlibs from funk icon Bootsy Collins. But this is Uchis’ show, and she barely needs to lift a finger to hold listeners’ command.

“Please Don’t Die” by Father John Misty

After releasing an overstuffed and underwhelming album last year, Father John Misty, AKA singer-songwriter Josh Tillman, decided to keep it simple this year, and I’m back on his bandwagon.

One reason for that is how blunt and personal his songwriting is again, particularly on “Please Don’t Die.” Tillman’s concept album God’s Favorite Customer focuses on the real-life story of how his depression caused him to hide out in a hotel for two straight months, and the heartbreaking “Please Don’t Die” tackles this scenario from the singer’s wife’s point of view.

She constantly reminds Tillman that his potential suicide won’t be a victimless crime during the soaring chorus, and he laments how his spiraling has affected her in the somber verses. There’s no snarky winks to the audience here — just Tillman nakedly depicting how his emotional chaos effected those around him.

“My My My!” by Troye Sivan

I never paid too much attention to Australian former YouTuber Troye Sivan. Now I’m regretting that choice, thanks to “My My My!”

Pure bubblegum pop doesn’t play much of a role in today’s music landscape, so it’s hard to call any version of that subgenre “modern,” but that’s honestly how I would describe this jam. It’s a slice of stuttering tropical pop with some indie and ‘80s flavor to it, and Sivan himself sells the tune like he’d been singing these types of songs for years in a boy band. I’ll be keeping tabs on Sivan from here on out.

“Light On” by Maggie Rogers

Last year, I was floored by Maggie Rogers’ unique blend of rootsy nature sounds with blue-eyed soul, particularly in her stellar single “Dog Years.” It seems like she isn’t fixing what ain’t broken, as “Light On” is a continuation of that sound.

Although it isn’t quite as transcendent as her early singles, “Light On” is still a quality power ballad, with a nice mix of acoustic guitar and organic synths, complete with a showstopping, melancholy chorus. Rogers still knows her way around a gorgeous melody, and I’m sure she’ll continue to fill her niche as the best music you’ll probably hear at REI.

“The Opener” by Camp Cope

Camp Cope have had it up to here with shitty men, and “The Opener” is a scathing indictment of the hypocrisy the trio constantly face.

Lead singer Georgia McDonald wails over a ‘90s alt-rock groove about sexism both in the dating world as well as the music industry. The latter is where she reserves her sharpest lines, going after men who’ve said her success isn’t her own doing, and being told to book smaller venues by the same guys who will “preach equality” in public. And of course, how do these men in power maintain their faux-feminist image? “‘Just get a female opener, that’ll fill the quota.’” Scathing.

“We Appreciate Power” by Grimes feat. HANA

If “We Appreciate Power,” the (as of writing this) brand-new Grimes single, was trimmed by a minute or so, it might have made the actual list. It’s a smidge on the repetitive side at its current 5:30-length.

But dear lord: This is a BANGER. As just about every critic has said, the production here is an aggro mix of Nine Inch Nails and Korn, complete with squealing guitars, a pounding, synthetic beat and some random screams thrown in the mix for fun. And yes — it works. Put it on during the next workout and see how fast you start going.

Throw in some legitimately creepy lyrics about artificial intelligence and totalitarianism and you’ve got a classic Grimes single. If only it was a bit shorter...

“Lake Erie” by Wild Pink

For a band from Brooklyn, Wild Pink are shockingly good at creating music that sounds like the sun setting on a Midwestern corn field.

“Lake Erie” is so close to The War On Drugs’ signature sound — heartland rock mixed with whispered vocals and shoegaze-y atmospherics — that I’d call it a ripoff, if it wasn’t arguably better than anything The War On Drugs has put out in a few years. It’s emotive, gorgeous and not too pretentious, like something Bruce Springsteen could’ve released 35 years ago.

“Noid” by Yves Tumor

No, unfortunately, “Noid” isn’t about retro Domino’s ads. It’s much darker than a claymation pizza mascot.

Yves Tumor’s art-rock track is fairly normal for its first half. It even has shades of Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On” in the lyrics wondering about the sad state of the world. Then, things get weird: the bass starts playing in a different key, the background fills with static and screams, and Yves Tumor keeps singing along, and his lyrics about being “scared for my life” start to seem less like a protest anthem and more like a horror soundtrack. It’s a chilling experience.

“Party For One” by Carly Rae Jepsen

Queen Carly releases another pop banger and you think it’s not going on my list? Come on, now.

I’m not going to pretend like “Party For One,” Jepsen’s triumphant breakup anthem, is on the same level as her all-time classic singles. It’s the kind of bubblegum that she could write in her sleep.

But why penalize a perfectly great song just because the artist has done better in the past? “Party For One” might not be “Run Away With Me,” but it’s still a solid piece of synth cheese that no doubt makes Canada proud.

#top 25 songs of 2018 #pop #rap #indie rock

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deadcactuswalking · 5 years ago

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 1st September 2019

There are four new arrivals this week, evenly split into two categories: Taylor Swift and not Taylor Swift. Now, without further ado...

Top 10

One of the biggest stories this week is the new #1, because thanks to a remix by Sir Spyro, grime producer, featuring verses English rapper Jaykae and a rapper we all know too well on this show, Aitch, “Take Me Back to London” by Ed Sheeran featuring Stormzy (And now I guess I’ll have to credit Jaykae and Aitch) is at #1, up 10 spaces from last week in its fourth week on the charts. Sorry to trail off into a bunch of arbitrary numbers for a second, but it’s Ed Sheeran’s eighth #1 and third from this album alone, Stormzy’s second after “Vossi Bop” this same year, and since we’ve got new remix artists, I guess I can say that this is Aitch’s second top 10 hit in the UK, his fourth top 20 and first ever #1, and also Jaykae’s first ever entry into the UK Top 40, so congratulations. I haven’t heard the remix at all, but Sir Spyro is such a great producer name, and now there is a collaboration between Ed Sheeran, Stormzy, Kenny Beats, Skrillex and Aitch that exists in the world, which is perplexing.

Up two spaces to the runner-up spot is “Higher Love” by Kygo and Whitney Houston taking the video boost up to number-two, and since the remix seems to be carrying “Take Me Back to London”, I have no doubts this will hit #1 soon enough... and that’s all that’s of interest in the top 10.

“Beautiful People” by Ed Sheeran featuring Khalid is down a spot to number-three.

Also down one space is “3 Nights” by Dominic Fike at number-four.

AJ Tracey’s “Ladbroke Grove” hasn’t moved at number-five, keeping pretty steady traction.

Aitch’s “Taste (Make it Shake)” is still at number-six for no good reason.

Joel Corry’s “Sorry” with uncredited vocals from Hayley May has jumped three positions since last week to number-seven.

Also not moving at all is “How Do You Sleep?” by Sam Smith steady at number-eight.

Lil Tecca continues viral success yet still suffers a hit down two spaces to number-nine with “RAN$OM” – you’d think the mixtape release would give this some sort of a boost.

To round off our top 10 we have “So High” by MIST and Fredo down a spot at #10.

Climbers

Despite the four new arrivals, I wouldn’t say this is a busy week per se, but there is definitely some kind of shift going into the Autumn season, and we could be looking at perpetual smash hits rising up this week, like Headie One gaining his third UK top 20 hit with “Both” up four spots to #18 or “Post Malone” by Sam Feldt featuring RANI having a quick and unexpected boost up eight spots to #26, although that’s not exactly appreciated, by me at least, I think that song’s worthless. “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo is also up six positions to #31, 30 spots shy of where it landed on the US’ Hot 100 chart this week, thanks to a DaBaby remix, but I’m unsure if this’ll gain enough traction here in the UK before it fizzles out worldwide.

Fallers

After “Old Town Road” dropped off the #1 spot following its record-breaking streak in the US, anything could get the #1 spot, and I honestly feel that the same is the case with “Senorita” by Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello collapsing due to streaming cuts down 10 spaces to #11. While I doubt “3 Nights” or “Ladbroke Grove” would have or will ever reach the top, “Higher Love” had that video and could have very much taken it, and it seems even likelier that “Beautiful People” could have just swiped the #1 back, but I guess in 2019, it all comes down to the remix. The fallers here are actually relatively plentiful, the aforementioned “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X featuring Billy Ray Cyrus, etc. is down five spaces to #22 and I’m honestly quite shocked it’s not off the chart yet, “Motivation” by Normani is unfortunately taking a five-space hit off the debut down to #35 and “I Spy” by Krept & Konan featuring Headie One and K-Trap continues to fall off slowly down five to #37 because of how quickly the remix hype died down.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

There aren’t a lot of dropouts but two out of three of these are actually very notable. While nobody should care about the premature end to the chart run of “Hate Me” by Ellie Goulding and Juice WRLD out from #39, the other dropouts are genuinely pretty important. Out from #21 is “No Guidance” by Chris Brown featuring Drake, even with a video and steady US success, probably due to streaming cuts, which took Stormzy’s “Crown” as a victim this week too, out from #27. Both of these songs peaked in the top 10, just being shy of the top five, so this shows quite an abrupt yet necessary seasonal shift. There aren’t any returning entries, well, not in the top 40 at least, so let’s talk about the elephant in the room that could be a whole lot bigger.

ALBUM BOMB: Taylor Swift – Lover

I’m honestly not shocked at the lack of impact Swift’s new album had here in comparison to the US. Thanks to chart rules, we can only have three songs from Taylor on the chart, and none of the pre-release singles could compete with the new songs, meaning we just have two new arrivals and a boost for fourth single, “Lover”, up nine spaces to #14, becoming Taylor’s fifteenth UK Top 20 single. I’m not complaining about that one, it’s a great song, despite being somewhat Christmassy. Regardless, we have two new Taylor songs to talk about, so let’s go.

#27 – “Cruel Summer” – Taylor Swift

Produced by Jack Antonoff and Taylor Swift – Peaked at #20 in Ireland and New Zealand, and #29 in the US

Our first Taylor Swift song to cover this week is one of many collaborations with Jack Antonoff off of Lover – even if you don’t recognise the name, you’ve definitely heard a song he’s contributed to, whether it be from his old band with Nate Reuss, fun. or Lorde’s Melodrama. Most recently, he’s been working on music with his band Bleachers as well as Lana Del Rey, Kevin Abstract of BROCKHAMPTON and St. Vincent, which brings us to “Cruel Summer”, Taylor Swift’s 27th UK Top 40 hit with additional writing and guitar from Annie Clark of St. Vincent. The album bored me, if I’m going to be completely honest, but there were definite gems that I appreciated throughout and don’t get me wrong, it’s a pretty decent album, but a shortened runtime to mill out the filler records would have definitely helped it achieve greatness. As it is, I’m not disappointed with it and it can definitely go toe to toe with her best at its peaks. This song in particular is pretty great, with blocky 80s-esque production Antonoff is known for, which is immediately cut off by Taylor and her pitch-shifted echo. Her inflections in the pre-chorus especially have a lot of flavour, and that chorus is almost ballad-like, which is somewhat unfitting, but it soon picks up momentum with some more vibrant synths and some rattling hi-hats, admittedly buried in the pretty cloudy mix here, but oh, my god, that bridge is amazing. The combination of the quirky synths, Swift’s vocals building in intensity and, you know, actually being able to hear the percussion for the first time, is incredible, and when it stops for Taylor to just belt into the next chorus, that’s when it wins it for me. Lyrically, it depicts the uncertainty of a new relationship but how exciting that fling is, specifically in this case with Joe Alwyn, who she describes as a “bad boy”, and the music perfectly represents that with how animated Antonoff and Clark’s instrumental is, as well as Taylor herself with some pretty passionate vocal performances I honestly didn’t expect initially. I’ve been listening to the Billboard year-end list for 1984 in the past week for the sake of a Top 10 list, and this would probably fit right in, although I’d question its quality when compared to pop girls at the time like Cyndi Lauper or even Laura Branigan. Admittedly, that year-end list is male-dominated but my point stands. Oh, and this has the same title as a Kanye album from 2012. Sneaky.

#21 – “The Man” – Taylor Swift

Produced by Joel Little and Taylor Swift – Peaked at #15 in New Zealand and #23 in the US

Now this song isn’t one of the first three tracks or even a promoted single but attracted a lot of attention and some controversy for its lyrics, which I’ll only somewhat get into because I don’t get the fuss. In her 28th UK Top 40 hit, Taylor Swift “plays with the ideas of perception”, asking the listener how people would feel about her mistakes, her accomplishments and her public persona and image if she were male, and, well, she has a point, at least on the surface, because people who go through a lot of relationships like Taylor would not be clowned, they would not be mocked for that, they would be “players” as she says. There would not be a focus on her fashion in the press if she was a male, and people would comment on her “Good ideas” and “Power moves”... although I wouldn’t exactly say the debacle with Kanye and Kim Kardashian was a “Power move”. The bridge also seems iffy, commenting less on male musicians but rappers, forgetting that there are indeed so many female rappers talking about the same thing now who are all a lot bigger than they would be years ago when this song might have been written (I assume 2016), and while she has a point that even female rappers (Although this is not directly what she refers to) are seen as subservient and not “Ballers”, I’m not sure if Taylor Swift can comment on that culture, exactly, although I do admit that’s pretty accurate of a comparison. I’m not sure if the press is any kinder to mental health issues in men, either, if that’s what she’s going by when she talks about being okay when you’re “mad” – reminds me of Pitchfork’s Azealia Banks op-ed from 2017 or so. Anyways, I get her overall point – “Women are given less leeway in the industry and harsher press attention than men” - and admittedly, the line, “If I were a man, I’d be the man” is a pretty great wham line for the chorus. This song really sucks, though, there’s no atmospheric intro which works for a “Powerful” song, but Taylor Swift does not sound powerful, she sounds tired. The instrumental is similarly exhausted, with some pretty awful vocal manipulation as a “Drop”, trap percussion because it’s 2019 and some pretty cloudy synths, accentuated by some funny sound effects... I guess? Yeah, no, skip this one, whether it’s for a misguided lyrical attempt, an awful instrumental or Taylor’s odd and unfitting inflections. Honestly, I’m just surprised the song about London didn’t chart this week, featuring an Idris Elba and James Corden sample, but that’s probably a good thing.

NEW ARRIVALS

#40 – “Dance Monkey” – Tones and I

Produced by Konstantine Kersting – Peaked at #1 in Australia, Denmark, Finland, Ireland, Norway and Sweden

Who? What? Where? When? Why? How? Okay, so Tones and I is an Australian singer who immediately came to local success with her debut single and EP, but this new single became a massive European smash, and to my surprise, it’s not even really a sleeper hit; the song was released in May, which isn’t that long ago. I haven’t heard anything about the song, admittedly, but it’s gone #1 in so many countries so I guess we’re just slow to this and the US will never get this to chart because they’re repellent to anything they didn’t make that’s this big in Europe. This is obviously Tones and I’s first ever UK Top 40 hit, and, well, this song is about how musicians are “Puppets” for the industry, or at least pop musicians, and it’s not exactly subtle about that, but I’m really not sure how she’s trying to prove that point when she’s making music just as uninteresting. There’s a couple conflicting synth and piano riffs and none of them are particularly interesting or even nice-sounding, it’s just a lot of cheap presets with a couple finger-snaps and eventually a chorus of people singing back-up with strings, but for the most of the song, we’re supposed to be focused on Tones... and she sure is an interesting singer, which I’m pretty sure is the only reason this has caught on so much, since she’s the only part that stands out and it’s an acquired taste for sure, and she’s definitely putting on the voice for the sake of the music, but honestly I don’t mind it; any attempt at making this boring pop song any interesting is appreciated, and by the end, you don’t notice it that much. Still not a great song, though, it has potential and I’m interested in what she does next.

#33 – “frick, i’m lonely” – LAUV featuring Anne-Marie

Produced by LAUV – Peaked at #9 in Singapore

Do you seriously expect a pre-amble? It’s a song by LAUV and Anne-Marie made for the 13 Reasons Why soundtrack. If that doesn’t scream, “Derivative pop music in 2019 on its last legs”, then I don’t know what doesn’t, it’s LAUV’s second Top 40 hit here in the UK since “i’m so tired” with Troye Sivan and Anne-Marie’s ninth, and it’s bloody awful. It starts with an awfully mixed percussion sample that transitions immediately into a preset beat you can easily find on a school-provided keyboard, with a random kick drum and stray vocal sample. It makes a really odd contrast between lo-fi preset beat and LAUV’s clean vocals, until the chorus which is just ugly. The actual percussion and a strong 808 comes in, and LAUV’s in his falsetto, and it sounds pathetic. What a “Chorus” that is, oh, yeah, Anne-Marie’s incoherent and barely harmonises with LAUV at all despite an obvious attempt to. Also, “It’s been me, myself and why”? What?! The bridge tries to create non-existent momentum with no groove and instead of any musical coherency, they just ad-lib for a while on dead space until the chorus comes in, and I shouldn’t care anyway, because I don’t want to hear over-processed vocals layered on top of each other to the point of ridiculousness over a beat that I can make in seven minutes or less, with obnoxious ad-libs from Anne-Marie and sickly lyrics. This is lowest common-denominator stuff and it’s not great at all, I’m starting to think “I Like Me Better” was a fluke; if you remember my best list, I really liked that song. Oh, and just when you think the song’s ended for good, you get an extra isolated LAUV vocal riff. Why?!

Conclusion

It should be pretty damn obvious what’s getting Worst of the Week; it’s going to LAUV and Anne-Marie for “frick, i’m lonely” (That is not the true title, by the way, if it wasn’t obvious), which has no redeemable qualities at all; I’m shocked this ever got out to the public. In fact, there’s not much good here at all, so Dishonourable Mention goes to both Tones and I and Taylor Swift for being both uninteresting and completely misguided in “Dance Monkey” and “The Man”. Funnily enough both songs are overly vague commentary on the music industry. Best of the Week also goes to Taylor Swift for “Cruel Summer” though, that song rocks. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings and I’ll see you next week!

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shredomatic · 6 years ago

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ANTI BY RIHANNA

This album isn’t far of being on of the most iconic and greatest album of this decade, it has passion, emotion, a song for any emotion you are feeling. The wait was worth it, this album stands out the most from all 7 other albums, ‘Music of Sun’ is cute, ‘Girl Like Me’ is romantic, ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ is mature, ‘Rated R’ is dark, ‘Loud’ is colourful, ‘Talk That Talk’ is lustful, ‘Unapologetic’ has a ‘don’t give a fuck’ feeling and ‘ANTI’ felt the most Rihanna, it felt like she has finally crafted a body of work that will be remember for years to come (along with GGGB). Rihanna has been in the music industry for almost two decade, she has millions of fans, a makeup company ‘Fenty Beauty’ and a long lasting career. Being commonly compared to other musical genius’s ‘Beyonce’ and ‘Nicki Minaj’, this is better then ‘Lemonade’ and ‘Pinkprint’ put together, and thats saying a lot since Lemonade changed music and was big movement, and The Pinkprint had ‘Only’, ‘Anaconda’, ‘Bed Of Lie’s ‘Win Again’ and the heart felt ‘Crying Game’, ‘Grand Piano’ and ‘All Things Go’. ANTI showed us that Rihanna isn’t just a collection of singles and hits, No--- she found pure artistry. She has gone through genres, RnB, Pop, Hip-Hop, Electronic, House, Alternative, EDM, Reggae, Dubstep, Dance, Soul and she has over 250 million records sold, Some of her songs rank in the world’s greatest best selling singles, including ‘Umbrella’ ‘We Found Love’ ‘Stay’ and ‘Work’ and being named in the Top 100 Artists this century. ANTI became her second BBH200 number 1 album and is one of the most dreamed albums on Spotify, with 2 BILLION streams. ANTI has collaborations of SZA (who made the AMAZING album ‘Ctrl’) and ‘Young Money Rapper’ Drake (co-signed with Rap MCs Nicki Minaj and Lil’ Wayne).

TRACK BY TRACK BREAKDOWN:

1. Consideration

the introduction to the album, featuring SZA (another fellow RnB artist) was well executed, the beat was well chosen, it had questionable lyrics like ‘Let me cover your shit in glitter, I can make it gold’ meaning she uses glitter, to make things look better then it actually is. Felt very long, had a VERY long outro. This song was written by SZA.

2. James Joint

this song needed to be LONGER. Had calming vocals by Rihanna, the introduction was blunt (literally), meaning, In pop. songs, when it talks about something mature it does bluntly state what it’s talking about but you can interpret what the song is about, although in Hip-Hop they do it very bluntly. The song is about smoking weed, it’s stated in the song.

3. Kiss It Better

this song had everything, emotion, you could hear all the emotion Rihanna was feeling when she sang this song. The music video, was questionable but felt artsy and original.

4. Work

I always skip over this song, it is VERY annoying and didn’t deserve the success compared to other songs, Don’t get me wrong it’s a great song and when I listen to it I have fun, it’s honestly Drake that ruins it for me, and sometimes the repetitive of it.

5. Desperado

OH DESPERADOOOO-- my favourite song from this album, I play this everyday because it’s PERFECT there is no room for improvement, there is no need. The beats and her high vocals make me bust a move everytime, Well done Robyn, I applaud you.

6. Woo

is a pretty decent song, it helps me get hyped and feel confidence, its very LOUD (get the pun- no oh). I can’t think of anything bad about it right now while listening to it, so WELL DONE it’s a pass.

7. Needed Me

OHHHHH Needed Me is that SONG, It’s my SECOND favourite, close to beating Desperado simply because of it’s catchy beat I have been streaming this song since last year and I'm still not tired of it, it’s also the last single from ANTI, so Rihanna knew it was a banger.

8. Yeah, I Said It

is sassy, bossy, very obnoxious and is great when you want to feel impowered, don’t break you back though it might get you TO HYPED. It could of been a bit longer, actually scratch that I NEED A RIHANNA ALBUM IN THIS GENRE, I DON’T EVEN KNOW GENRE IT IS BUT I NEED MOREEEE!

9. Same Ol’ Mistakes

this seemed to be a fan favourite, but in my opinion it isn’t the BEST track in the world and the fans should give other songs more credit, Rihanna did co-write this song thoughhhhh. it felt very stretched out and could of been shorter. But the song sounded like it came from the heart.

10. Never Ending

the rest of the album from this point had more emotion then Fault in Out Stars (and thats alottttttttt of emotion) it even felt like it belonged to that film. This song makes me think, it makes me think about my life, why are we here? what’s the point of world? what would happen if I wasn’t here (oops, that went tooo dark). Anyway where was I? oh yeah- GREAT SONG!

11. Love on the brain

this song makes me feel a range of emotions from Don’t need you to Sadness, it is high on my favourites, it deserved a music video, grammy (scratch that actually, Grammys are a joke, many talented artist get snubbed every year, Lorde, Nicki Minaj,Bjork, Azealia Banks, Lana Del Rey, EVEN JOHN LENNON! the list goes on, and who do they nominate? CARDI B, sorry congrats to her but NO.) This song seems to be about love, simple as that, but the complex part is HOW DOES SHE HIT THOSE HIGH NOTES? is she a robot? probably.

12. Higher

my THIRD favourite, simply because of the high notes that gives me chills, it so high it’s ARIANA GRANDE AT HER BEST level singing. It’s short but simple.

13. Close to you

is one of my favourites because of the rawness of it, the emotion is pouring out of her, it’s beautiful, a masterpiece, it’s so underrated and gets discredited by the fans. A perfect ending to the perfect album.

SONG RANKING:

Desperado 10/10 Needed Me 10/10 Higher 9/10 Close To You 8/10 Kiss it Better 7/10 Yeah I Said It 7/10 Love on the Brain 6/10 Consideration 6/10 James Joint 6/10 Woo 5/10 Same Ol’ Mistakes 5/10 Never Ending 4/10 Work 2/10

OVERALL:

Overall, this album is a emotional rollercoaster but some of the song could of been longer, ‘James Joint’, ‘Yeah, I Said It’, but some song could of been shorter, ‘Consideration’, ‘Work’ (could of been shorter and cut Drake’s verse) ‘Same Ol’ Mistakes’. But thinking back to what I just listened to, it is one of Rihanna greatest body of work Sorry, why did I write that? RATED R is her best album, it is undefeated (it also says a big Fuck you to Chris Brown) it explains the experiences she went though, beautiful artistry. The album didn’t seem to pick up, it was amazing throughout the album excluding Work, something similar happened like this with ‘Broke With Expensive Taste’, so lesson here is don’t always experiment, some tracks will go wrong.

stream the album here

#rihanna #r5 #rh5 #album #music #masterpiece

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philaprint · 8 years ago

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Give Much Respect Due: How Female Rappers Inspire Black Queer Boys

MARCH 02, 2017

By Devyn Springer

It’s 2001. My mother opens the bathroom door and I am in my underwear, breathing heavily like a backup dancer. I have a smile on my face and sweat on my shoulders. My little ribs under my brown skin are sore because I’ve been shaking my hips from left to right for an entire verse and chorus. I’m looking at myself in the mirror and seeing myself as what resembles a Keith Haring painting; vibrant colors, bold lines creating motion. My mother lets out a small laugh, reminding me she is still there watching, and then she joins me in singing the chorus and moving her hips, “Chumpy, I break up with him before he dumps me/ To have me, yes you’re lucky.”

I have an obsession with flipping through my mother’s book of CDs and looking at all of the album art with awe until I find my selection, and I always seem to gravitate towards Missy Elliott, Da Brat or Queen Latifah; not that I am familiar with who those people are at 5 years-old, but because the album art has a curious way of making me feel something that resembles confidence.

It’s 2008. The Keith Haring painting the mirror had grown familiar with has turned into a small medium brown boy who looks more like a Basquiat painting, or a question walking around waiting for someone to answer it. My body feels awkward like my limbs and shoulders are a bit too big for my middle school being, and I am no longer the best dressed in class. I got headphones for Christmas and haven’t stopped playing Trina’s “Glamorest Life” in my ears since Christmas morning because when her loud and braggadocious voice comes crashing onto the treble-fueled beats, I feel like I fit in a bit more. I feel a strange confidence become me when I hear her rap “who you lovin’ who you wanna be huggin/ I seen her in your six hundred and you claim it's your cousin,” and I am proud of myself for understanding the first half of that line as a Lil Kim reference.

It’s 2011. The Basquiat painting feels like a Marina Abramović piece at this point, as I’ve begun to master the performance art of my own sexuality. I am driving the first car I own at night with the windows down, and Lil Kim tells me, “I used to be scared of the dick/ now I throw lips to the shit, handle it/ like a real bitch/ Heather Hunter, Janet Jacme.” I grip my hand on the passenger’s thigh, we kiss at a red light, and I say “Yo, you’ve gotta Google who Heather Hunter and Janet Jacme are real quick. Kim always comes through with the crazy references!” We laugh and pontificate on that line for a second before kissing again. I used to be scared of the dick lingers in the air, with Kim’s voice heavy and thick and a certain kind of honesty that is uncomfortably interesting, as I sit in the car with the first person to ever have sex with me.

They tell me all I ever do is listen to female rappers. They assure me they don’t think that’s a bad thing. They ask me why that is, and I explain how much I admire not only their lyrical delivery and dramatized personas, but I also love their performances of gender. I adore the way they help me, in some strange and almost inexplicable way, navigate my own relationship to the gender I was socialized into. I enjoy the way their gender within hip-hop, within their songs and lyrics, within their aesthetics, is politicized -- because it is something I am familiar with, and didn’t know how to express until I found them. My relationality to gender has always been one of having identities and labels ascribed to me, with terms and assumptions projected onto my body, and I saw pieces of that in the Black women who inspired me through their music.

Female rappers have narrated more moments of my life than I know how to explain, and have projected feelings on me I either forgot I needed to feel or couldn’t explain that I felt. When Nicki says “you was sleepin’ on me, thinking it was sumber time/ Now I’m a trending topic, lil mama, number signs” there is a breath of relatable energy that exists between us. It is in the way she openly refers to being slept on and openly discusses her struggles being a Black woman in a male-dominated industry that I am able to vibrate in a similar wavelength to her. The way that she is referred to as “difficult” for simply being about her business is a sentiment that resonates deeply with me as well because queer Black boys aren’t allowed to be outspoken without being “sassy” or seen as a queen. And if Nicki Minaj is slept on, her bravado simplified, her demands demeaned, then I can relate to her on a deeper level. And it is in the way she snaps back, reminding her ‘haters’ that she’s now a trending topic, that makes the inner scared and awkward queer boy in me go back to swinging his hips like a Keith Haring painting.

To be Black and queer is to have a strange relationship with space, or the lack thereof, and to have an even stranger relationship with confidence. The space that we are able to carve into this world looks a little different than other people’s. Our space looks nocturnal; night clubs, ballrooms, and dancing in our underwear with our friends to the newest Remy Ma song, grabbing pieces of her confidence and wearing it like an invisible cloak that hides us from the world. Women who rap, much like queer Black boys, manage to be both hypervisible and invisible at the same time; our bodies are sexualized before we have the choice to do it ourselves, and when we do own our own overt sexuality we are called conceited.

We can also look at the queer aesthetic often found in female rappers presentation to fully understand the massive appeal they are able to have to the Black queer community. I heard a friend say one time, “Nicki Minaj is one of the world’s greatest drag queens.” At the time, I was offended. What I assumed to be a transphobic remark likening Ms. Minaj’s appearance to that of a masculine figure was really a sly and subverted critique on the queerness of her aesthetic.

In reality, she is one of the world’s best drag queens, as are Lil Kim, Eve, Missy Elliott, and Left Eye, and several others. Drag and ball culture are such large parts of our Black queer community that you can’t help but notice the aestheticism seeping into the music video of Missy Elliott’s new single “I’m Better,” or the outlandishly early-2000s era fashion that Foxy Brown often adorned. The only one who switches a wig as much as a drag queen is Nicki Minaj, with the extravagance of a couture outfit and high-contoured cheekbones to match.

I am reminded of the artist and philosopher Adrian Piper’s “dear friend, I am black...” calling cards she would give to people who said racist or problematic things to her, and it feels that in this similar sentiment exists female rappers’ performance of gender and sexuality. As if through lyrics and aesthetic they are reminding you, “dear friend, I am a sexual being, I Black woman…” It is as if they understand the need to subvert femininity and sexuality into a performance, one that at times is even exaggerated, for the sake of the artistic statement. And because so much of the vitality surrounding modern interpretations of gender and sexuality is performance, the female rapper has the transcendent ability to do what only an artist can do: blue the line between sociopolitical commentary, art, and expression.

Whether through intentional subversion or simple fashion-forward styling, several female rappers have played with the traditions of gendered clothing and presented themselves as something far more interesting than a gender binary could ever allow them to be. I am reminded of Left Eye in the music video for “Ain’t Too Proud To Beg,” wearing baggie jeans and t-shirts, holding her crotch while she raps her sex-positive lyrics alongside the feminine presentation of Chilli and T-Boz. I think of Lady of Rage in the “Afro Puffs” music video, dressed almost like a biker chick, with her broad shoulders, dark and oversized leather draped from her body, and it makes me think of almost every Da Brat, Queen Latifah, and Yo-Yo music video I’ve watched where they wore traditionally masculine suits and clothing.

Plenty of the visual specificities in fashion and art between the early 90s and now have been influenced by this presentation, with women and other queer people drawing inspiration from this aestheticism. So, when we arrive at a Nicki Minaj, or an Angel Haze, or an Azealia Banks, or a Princess Nokia, or a Lola Monroe, or a Young MA, it is no surprise that they continue to transform and uphold the legacy that was established for them through generations of foremothers. They continue to be the fire-spitting drag queens at the front of a battle for inclusivity and acceptance in a cis-hetero patriarchal industry, one that often reflects the values of the Black community.

As a Black queer boy, female rappers embody much of the confidence we often aspire to and achieve. When Trina taught me to be the baddest bitch, I didn’t know that Queen Latifah had already told me I need to be addressed as “your highness.” When Foxy asked why “all the sudden all these rap bitches got accents too?” Nicki Minaj was ready to ask where the fuck is her curry chicken and her rice and peas? You see, it is in the way they demand to be referred to as a queen and the Queen Bitch, to be given what they deserve, to be adorned with the highest fashion and pop bottles right next to the male rappers, that a confidence so bold and unique exists and flourishes. They are able to embody a powerful, magical feminine strength that reads like confidence but feels like life being handed over in a syringe.

When I was the small boy who was still carefree and still had space in his chest for joy, Missy Elliott, and Left Eye were there to help me shake my hips; their music would bring me the movement and vibrations like in the Keith Haring paintings. When I was an awkwardly small child in a world that felt too big, Trina, Remy Ma, and Foxy Brown gave me the confidence I didn’t know I deserved but definitely needed. I heard Foxy tell me she has these rap bitches in a chokehold at least once a week. And when I became intimate for the first time and love tasted like sex, I had many Lil Kim lyrics that lent themselves to me.

Today as a Black queer activist and artist navigating the world through an intersectional lens, I’m able to see just how monumental the role of a woman rapping on the radio can be for a Black queer boy. I now have the language, voice, and ears to realize that it has been female rappers playing in the background of my life for decades. They’ve always been the ones that have given me life time and time again when the world hands little queer boys nothing but death, and they’ve always been the ones to be doin’ things that you won’t regret.

https://www.philadelphiaprintworks.com/blogs/news/give-much-respect-due-how-female-rappers-inspire-black-queer-boys

#queer #black #women rappers #rappers #rap #music #identity

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theinvinciblenoob · 6 years ago

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It was the best of years, it was the worst of years, it was the wokest of years, it was the most problematic of years, it was the year of AI, it was the year of scooters, it was the year of Big Tech triumph, it was the year of Big Tech scandals, it was the year of Musk’s disgrace, it was the year of Tesla’s redemption, it was the year of shitcoin justice, it was definitely not the year of AR or VR, it was the dumbest timeline, it was the spring of stanning, it was the winter of wtf.

It was, in short, a year tailor-made for The Jons, an annual award celebrating tech’s more dubious achievers, named, in an awe-inspiring fit of humility, after myself. So let’s get to it! With very little further ado, I give you: the third annual Jon Awards for Dubious Technical Achievement!

(The Jons 2015) (The Jons 2016) (The Jons 2017)

THE FEET AND LEGS AND TORSO OF CLAY AWARD FOR SUDDEN REGRESSION TO THE MEAN

To Elon Musk, who in the past year went from (in many eyes) “messiah who could do no wrong” to “man who has paid a $20 million fine and stepped down as chairman in order to settle with the SEC regarding allegations of tweeted fraud; been sued for very publicly accusing a stranger of pedophilia with no evidence; feuded with Azealia Banks; been roundly criticized for the conditions in Tesla’s factories; and been pilloried (though also, and to my mind more accurately, tentatively praised) for his new Boring Tunnel.” Don’t have heroes, kids.

THE BUT ON THE OTHER HAND THERE ARE ALL THOSE SHINY NEW ELECTRIC CARS AWARD FOR ATTEMPTED DOOMSAYING

Surprisingly, despite the previous award, this one goes to the herds of bears who spent much of the year claiming that Tesla’s imminent doom and bankruptcy would become obvious and indisputable any day now. The roars of the bears seem to have grown much quieter of late, probably because the Model 3’s production rate has rocketed from 1,000 per week at the start of the year to 1,000 per day of late. No mean feat on the part of Tesla employees.

THE YES BUT THE DIFFERENCE IS THE RUSSIANS KNOW IT’S DISINFORMATION AWARD FOR BAD OPSEC

To Donald Trump, who apparently continues to use an insecure iPhone which the Chinese and Russians listen in on. The good news? Officials have “confidence he was not spilling secrets because he rarely digs into the details of the intelligence he is shown and is not well versed in the operational specifics of military or covert activities.” Put less diplomatically, the President of the United States doesn’t pay enough attention to briefings to have any important secrets to share. Nothing to worry about there! Trump responded by tweeting a denial, saying he only had a “seldom used government cell phone” … from the iOS Twitter app.

THE YOU MUST ADMIT I WAS AT LEAST RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING BEING DIFFERENT NOW AWARD FOR BUBBLY BITCOIN PREDICTIONS

It’s too easy and obvious to give this award to John McAfee, who I suspect of actually angling for a Jon year after year. And as a believer that cryptocurrencies have long-term importance, I’m not going to award anyone for their less-outlandish-than-McAfee medium-term beliefs. So this award goes to Bitcoin uberbull Tom Lee, who claimed Bitcoin would end the year at $15,000 … in the second half of November. There’s a point you almost have to admire; the point at which hype becomes delusion.

THE SURE BUT IT’S A MORE CONNECTED KIND OF MISERY, EXPLOITATION, AND DISINFORMATION AWARD FOR DESTROYING THE GLOBAL VILLAGE IN ORDER TO SAVE IT

Not to Mark Zuckerberg, actually, whose company has, in its zeal for connecting the world, and its belief that this is always and automatically a good thing, amplified genocide, provided a platform for manipulation and disinformation which may have helped tip the Brexit referendum, and 2016 presidential election (both of which were admittedly so close that there were probably dozens of aspects which “helped tip” them) and is increasingly widely viewed as a significant net negative for the world thanks to its business model of incentivizing “engagement” above all else. He’d be a worthy recipient, but this goes to Sheryl Sandberg, for epitomizing Facebook leadership’s thin-skinned tunnel vision wherein they automatically suspect anyone who criticizes Facebook of having a bad-faith ulterior motive, when she “asked Facebook’s communications staff to research George Soros’s financial interests in the wake of his high-profile attacks on tech companies.”

THE PICK A HORSE ANY HORSE BUT LOOK JUST ONE HORSE AWARD FOR OXYMORONISM IN THE FACE OF SOCIAL MEDIA

To everyone — especially journalists and media executives — who thinks that the big social-media companies are too powerful and that tech companies should exercise more control over the dissemination of public speech, and/or to everyone who says that the big social-media companies shouldn’t ever censor while being perfectly aware that they are already exercising control over the dissemination of public speech via their timeline algorithms. There are many, many copies of this particular award to go around.

(Note that there are at least two intellectually consistent approaches here: one is to be explicitly supportive of social media companies moderating speech; another is to favor non-algorithmic, non-amplifying, non-optimized-for-engagement, strict-chronological feeds)

THE COMETH THE HOUR, COMETH THE SPECTACULARLY OUT-OF-TOUCH COVEN OF CLUELESS OLD WHITE MEN AWARD FOR REMINDING US THAT SOMETIMES THE CURE IS WORSE THAN THE DISEASE

To the members of the United States Congress, both houses, for making Mark Zuckerberg and Sundar Pichai seem cuddly, friendly, wise, warm, human, plugged-in, and in-touch with the common man and woman, by comparison with their unbelievably clueless question. Who can forget “Senator, we sell ads,” and/or “Congressman, iPhone is made by a different company”?

THE STREET FINDS ITS OWN DISUSES FOR THINGS AWARD FOR BOOTLEG URBAN RENEWAL

To Lime, Bird, and the other scooter companies whose products have spent the year being thrown by the dozen into Lake Merritt in the heart of Oakland, presumably with the collective intent of turning that empty water into reclaimed land, just as downtown San Francisco is built on the carcasses of sailing ships from the 49er gold rush.

THE OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ TRONC TRONC TRONC AWARD FOR FINALLY GETTING THAT THE JOKE WAS ON THEM

To Tribune Publishing, until recently known as Tronc, for reminding us of their unbelievably terrible name when they finally — finally! — decided to abandon it in favor of something not risible. A small silver second-place award goes to Oath, the owner of TechCrunch, for thereby rising to the top of the “Worst Media Company Name” rankings.

THE SOMETIMES NOTHING IS A REAL COOL HAND AWARD FOR DOING NOTHING BECAUSE NOTHING WAS NECESSARY

To Twitter, who, when noted far-right wacko Laura Loomer handcuffed herself to Twitter’s NYC building after she was permanently banned by them for hate speech, responded by — brilliantly — doing nothing at all. They did not ask the police to remove her. They did not press charges. They ignored her completely. And Loomer went from “she will not remove the handcuffs until CEO Jack Dorsey reinstates her account” to “After several hours of complaining about the cold, Loomer eventually requested to be removed from the door.”

THE COME ON NOW DON’T BE EVIL WAS A LONG TIME AGO AWARD FOR REDEFINING GOOGLEY

To Google, obviously, for being forced to come to terms with what sure looks from the outside like a culture of pervasive sexual harassment by a massive employee walkout in the same year its plans for a new censorship-friendly China search engine leaked. Look not for the trigram in thy brother’s eye, etc.

THE CENTRAL CASTING MAD SCIENTIST AWARD FOR BRINGING US THE DYSTOPIA WE DESERVE

To He Jiankui, the self-funded doctor who apparently brought us the world’s first two human babies genetically edited via CRISPR, without letting anything like an ethics review board, a well-considered benefit/risk ratio, the pre-existence of well-established less-dangerous ways to achieve the allegedly desired result, or anything else stand in his way. But then, if he had, that wouldn’t really have captured the 2018zeitgeist, would it?

THE WHAT ARE THE NEW RUULES AWARD FOR MAKING NICOTINE MORALLY AMBIGUOUS AGAIN

To Juul, which has made a ridiculous boatload of money and more importantly made a lot of people seem very silly as they moral-panic about vaping as if it is the same as smoking, and others seem just as silly as they moral-panic about that moral panic as if vaping has been guaranteed on stone tablets to have no deleterious side effects at all. Where is the nuanced middle? Ah, let’s not kid ourselves, it’s 2018, no one cares about the nuanced middle any more. Bring on the outrage!

THE LISTEN UP YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPER I WAS THE CEO OF A CYBERSECURITY FIRM AND THE PRESIDENT’S CYBERSECURITY ADVISOR I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW AWARD FOR NOT ACTUALLY KNOWING ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT HOW TO CYBER THE CYBER. CYBER!

To Rudy Giuliani, who really was the CEO of a cybersecurity firm (Cyber!) and really was the president’s cybersecurity advisor (Cyber! Cyber!) and yet, as shown by his bewildering yet hilarious accusations that one of his tweets was sabotaged by Twitter, does not actually understand the Internet at all. Or, we may presume, the cyber. Cyber!

THE LOOK WE’RE ONLY A $30B COMPANY HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KEEP TRACK OF ALL THESE LITTLE DETAILS AWARD FOR FORCING PEOPLE TO INTERACT WITH OTHERS NEARBY

To Ericsson, who accidentally disabled phone service for hours for tens of millions of people around the globe because it failed to renew a (presumably TLS) software certificate used by its switching services ahead of its expiry. You can get those for free and automatically these days, btw. Never mind the cyber (Cyber!) attackers; it’s malingering incompetence that will get us all in the end. Speaking of which …

THE WHO COULD POSSIBLY HAVE IMAGINED THAT SUCH A THING WOULD HAPPEN OR IF IT DID THAT WE WOULD RESPOND TO IT IN ALL THE WORST POSSIBLE WAYS AWARD FOR A REPERTOIRE OF PANICKED FLAILING INEPTITUDE WORTHY OF ARTHUR DENT

To the authorities at Gatwick university, who first shut down one of the busiest airports in Europe for almost a day and a half during the pre-Christmas rush because there were reports of drones seen over its runways; then said they couldn’t possibly shoot down those drones for fear the stray bullets might harm someone; then conceded the possibility that there were no drones at all (though it seems like there probably were); then arrested a couple who turned out to be completely innocent; then reopened the airport with no resolution but that of the installation of an expensive new anti-drone system and the discovery of a single, untraced, damaged drone. This dithering paralysis raises many terrifying questions. I have two in particular. One: the people in charge of Gatwick — again, one of Europe’s biggest and busiest airports — never done any threat modelling / scenario analysis / contingency planning at all? And two: how many minutes-rather-than-hours would this shutdown have lasted if it had happened at a major airport in, say, Texas, before the bullet-ridden carcasses of the drones in question were dragged off the runway? I guess we’ll never know. But it gives me a certain dubious pleasure to bequeath to Gatwick, an airport I have known and disliked for many years, this year’s Jon of Jons.

Congratulations, of a sort, to all the winners of the Jons! All recipients shall receive a bobblehead of myself made up as a Blue Man, as per the image on this post, which will doubtless become coveted and increasingly valuable collectibles. (And needless to say sometime next year they will become redeemable for JonCoin.) And, of course, all winners shall be remembered by posterity forevermore.

1Bobbleheads shall only be distributed if and when available and convenient. The eventual existence of said bobbleheads is not guaranteed or indeed even particularly likely. Not valid on days named after Norse or Roman gods. All rights reserved, especially those rights about which we have reservations.

via TechCrunch

#IFTTT #TechCrunch

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williamsjoan · 6 years ago

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It’s the Jons 2018!