#how do neurotypicals understand these rules they’re EXHAUSTING

[disconnected-dragon]

"I can’t explain it, but earth 1610 miles is the type of autistic that stares at a person’s nose/mouth and has learned that counts as “eye contact”, and earth 42 miles is the type of autistic that has learned to stare at one pupil and thinks that’s what “making eye contact” is."

is this not how yo how you're supposed to make eye contact? how else??????? i dont get it

Apparently not??? “Eye contact” apparently means just looking in the general direction of a person’s face and not like— staring into a person’s eyes??? When I found that out it was also shocking.

[fierceawakening]

The prolife thing is especially weird to me because… anyone remember that one study that said autistic people stick to moral rules more than nonautistic people and spun this as the autistic people being less moral for not being able to be as flexible?

I’m not diagnosed autistic but I am delfinitely not neurotypical, and one ay this manifested when I was a kid and probably still manifests now (see al, the time I spend defending deontology when everyone else is a good consequentialist and wants me to be too) is that I took moral rules as absolute.

So I was anti abortion. Do not kill humans. Ever. At all. Do any alternatives exist whatsoever to not taking life in this instance, even if they make you sad, tired, angry, triggered, or take time? Then do not take life.

I’ve since become more consequentialist on this specific issue for several reasons, but my intuition? Is very much still “if alternatives to taking life exist, you must exhaust them first or you are behaving immorally,” so when I see in particular the phrase “without apology” it instinctively raises my hackles until I remind myself of the consequentialist concerns and remind myself “and therefore there is no reason to apologize, so sure they’re being confrontational but by your own lights you should actually not care.”

But the thing that puzzles me is people who argue against abortion… don’t actually seem to be saying “I know following the rule is excruciatingly difficult in this circumstance, but you need to do it unless you’re legit gonna die,” the thing I used to believe.

Instead they seem to have weird religious understandings of how you detect life, which don’t make ANY sense to me at all. I have no fucking idea when life begins or what life beginning even actually means, so I can’t even parse “this was human but not alive yesterday, but now it’s human and alive.” I literally cannot with that. What would that even mean? Like unless we are successfully creating zombies that is not a thing.

I was (and quite possibly still am?) the weird one for being neurodivergent and never even knew it lol. I still have zero idea what is going on with these people. Like at all. They really do just seem to want to control people, rather than for… moral rules to consistently mean things because it makes them uneasy and confused when they aren’t consistent.

(By which I mean: still uneasy and confused about this! Not gonna force someone to raise a kid cos I’m uneasy, though. Not okay, me.)

[adultingautistic]

My therapist and my psychiatrist don’t think I’m autistic because I’m “too smart” and “too engaged.” The problem is that I grew up in a military household. We also had cultural “rules” that I had to follow. I learned to do what other kids do, I think. But now I can’t get a diagnosis because I seem like I’m neurotypical, to my doctors. Do you have any advice?

“Too smart” is bullshit.  Autism is unrelated to intelligence.  There are autistic people of all levels of intelligence, just like any other group of people.  Saying you’re “too smart” to be autistic makes as little sense as saying you’re “Too tall” to be autistic.  The two are unrelated.

However, having certain traits makes it harder to get diagnosed, because of biases in doctors.  Those traits are things that make you outside the stereotype of autistic: white, child, male, and intellectually disabled.  So if you’re non-white, adult, non-male, and not intellectually disabled, people (including professional doctors) will tell you that you “can’t be autistic”, when what they mean is “You don’t fit the stereotype of autism that I have in my head”.

Being able to follow cultural rules means you’re good at “masking”.  Masking is a term autistics use to describe what we do in order to fit in.  We mask our true traits and put on a performance in order to appear “normal”.  The older an autistic becomes, the longer they have had to perfect their mask- which is probably what leads to the stereotype that autistics are only children.  Because as we mature, we learn how to hide our autism.  That doesn’t mean it isn’t there.  Masking is hard work, it’s exhausting, and doing it for too long is detrimental to us.  

Don’t mistake a good mask for not being autistic.  The difference between an autistic and an allistic is that the allistic doesn’t think about the social rules.  They’re not even aware of them.  The fact that you state you had to learn the rules, instead of magically knowing them, is a strong sign that you’re autistic.

The trick to getting a diagnosis from these prejudiced doctors is you have to unlearn the mask.  You have to learn how to take it off, and show your true self to the doctor.  This is extremely difficult and terrifying, because all our lives, whenever the mask has failed, we were ostracized, made fun of, yelled at, and punished.  And worse, when you’ve become so used to the mask that you almost forget it’s there, taking it off feels like “I’m faking” or “I’m acting”.  But you’re not.  The mask is the acting.  Jumping up and down in glee while flapping your hands is the real you.

Practice taking the mask off more when you’re alone.  That’s what I did.  I had to embrace my autism and allow myself to be me, without the performance, to see who I really was.  I had to practice becoming myself again- but once I did, I became a much happier person.

Don’t be afraid to act autistic in front of the doctor.  They don’t understand us and never will.  If your goal is a diagnosis, you have to let all the autistic out in front of the doctor so they see the stereotype they’re looking for and you get your paper, which will only tell you what you already know.  

[cindereleanor]

I was so happy to read your post about your sister being a neurotypical ally for you! That’s wonderful. If you are comfortable, would you mind sharing more ways people can be allies? Thank you so much!

💜😭aww thank you whoever you are, this was such a sweet message to receive! Of course I can try - people asking respectfully how to be good allies is just The Best!

Okaaaay advance warning this will be a bit jumbled. (Also for reference the point of view I’m coming from is someone with ADHD, possibly also autism, though I am still in the process of getting an official legal diagnosis, am relatively new to neurodivergent spaces, and still have massive imposter syndrome. AKA I feel the need to make it clear that I am by no means an expert and this is just from personal experience😅). Anyway, disclaimers aside, here are some thoughts :)

A big thing is to let us stim freely without feeling judged! (Unless the stim is causing physical harm!)

Always ask before making physical contact! TBH this is a good rule for everyone, regardless of neurodivergence.

Be patient if we struggle keeping in touch: ignoring texts/cancelling plans/not calling you etc etc. I often feel like I’m a bad friend because I really struggle to actively maintain my friendships, especially long distance, and it’s really helpful to have people in my life who are understanding of that and will reach out to me, but without putting me under pressure <3

I didn’t quite know how to word this one, but always be happy to clarify things we don’t understand - especially in arguments! It is easy for many of us to misinterpret people’s intentions and that can lead to our feelings being hurt, but also us unintentionally hurting other people’s feelings. A very common experience is being told that we “overreact”: perhaps consider that our brains may literally process things in a way which makes us feel emotions differently. Being told that something is an “overreaction” or “we shouldn’t have been upset by that” can be super invalidating. Instead, maybe try to explain your point of view calmly, and reassure us without just telling us that the reaction was inappropriate. Sorry, I’m still not sure how much sense that made!

Consider accessibility needs we may have: this can be as small an action as lowering the TV volume for your noise-sensitive friend, or adding tone indicators to online messages to show when you’re being sarcastic etc (calling myself out here because I am terrible at remembering to do that one).

This one may be less universal, but I think it’s important to remember that we might not all be comfortable discussing our neurodivergence in front of everybody. Maybe don’t go shouting about our conditions to people who didn’t know - it isn’t your information to disclose. If this analogy helps, I personally find that as someone who is relatively “neurotypical passing”, disclosing neurodivergence can really feel akin to “coming out of the closet”, and it can be similarly uncomfortable if someone outs you against your will.

Sort of following on from that, try not to assume that people are neurotypical until told otherwise. Many people will be totally accepting of certain "weirdness” in someone they know to be neurodivergent, but won’t accept the same behaviour in someone else. That person may just not have told you they’re neurodivergent, perhaps they don’t have an official diagnosis so don’t feel able to claim accommodations, perhaps they aren’t even sure they are neurodivergent. Whatever is true, there is no reason not to treat people with respect regardless of what you do/don’t know about their specific diagnoses. 

The most important piece of advice I have (which clearly you’re already following :)) is to listen to advice from actual neurodivergent folks!

This is longer than I meant it to be, but by no means exhaustive! Any other neurodivergent folks feel free to add on to this, because obviously it varies from person to person! And anon, I hope this was vaguely comprehensive and could help!! Lots of love!!!

[thistangledbrain]

Day 19 & 20!

Day 19 - “I hate it when...”

As you’ve gleaned from prior posts, I hate it when you forget autism is a developmental disorder and not an intellectual one. We are so. Fucking. Tired. Of being treated as lesser, or like we don’t understand what you’re saying to us.

Outside of the reactions to others’ behavior, though, I have some personal “I hate it when”...I’ve let you into my mind and told you what I appreciate about how my brain works, but there are things I don’t like, for sure.

I hate that personal stressor things trigger a toddler-like need to SHUT DOWN. Like writing this blog, for example...the vulnerability I feel usually leads to a need to go to sleep for a long time, once I’m finished. Or after a long day socializing. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to engage my brain anymore, I just need to shut all systems down and sleep. Especially if there’s been a meltdown (meltdown—->shutdown)...and oh boy do I hate meltdowns. They’re really rare, thank dog.

I hate that my executive function is an absolute bag of ass. This is probably the biggest thing I would change. It got infinitely worse when my disability got bad (EDS), for some reason. And it drives me up the damn wall.

I hate my low function days/moments. It’s like my brain just won’t kick into gear, or the gears and wheels are rusty and grinding, & it’s rather anxiety inducing. I usually “hide” on my low days, sometimes in my darkened bedroom, and watch favorite shows or movies, or get lost in a good book - if I can. On low days I find myself re-reading crap constantly because it’s not making any sense, so I’ll even avoid complicated recipes...I have no idea why these days/moments happen, but boy do they piss me off/make me anxious (that’s kind of the same thing for me. My anxiety nearly always manifests as anger). On my low days, you’ll see (if you were a fly on the wall, because I suppress this even around my own family), me walking in tight, anxious figure 8’s and flapping my hands in a distressed way, as I anxiously try to mentally kick my brain into gear. (It doesn’t work, but it IS a little soothing. And my dogs are SO sweet...they gather around me tightly and just seem to know I need them.)

🤷🏻‍♀️ There’s probably more I could expound on that I don’t like, but writing this one has been pretty distasteful. I try not to dwell on things I hate anymore, so I’ve put this entry down multiple times and come back to it when I’m in a decent frame of mind. I think I’m tired of talking about it now, so I’m gonna just stop talking.....

Which is a good segue into Day 20 -

————————————-

“Communication”

Ahh communication. This entry will be long, because I have a lot to communicate LOL....

Personally, I write far more coherently and eloquently than I speak. My brain goes too fast...I often trip over words; my brain’s three steps ahead of what’s coming out of my mouth and I get scrambled sometimes. I can also take the time to think about what I want to say/HOW I want to say it. Like many autistics, I’m a blurter. LOL...I am constantly trying to remind myself, just because I think it, doesn’t mean I have to say it. This gets a LOT of us in trouble...one of my most memorable examples is, I *loudly* blurted “that’s BULLSHIT!!” in a church one time. (I was speaking on how my devout Methodist grandmother, who regularly takes communion at her church, was not permitted to receive communion in a Catholic church, merely because she isn’t Catholic, despite the fact that this woman is all about some Jesus & a devoted churchgoer - not just on Easter and Christmas.) In my defense, it WAS (IS) bullshit. I just didn’t need to practically yell that in church. As you can imagine, it was like a needle scratching across a record & everyone turned to stare. (My poor husband rescued me.) 🤦🏻‍♀️ Sigh. It’s a good idea to keep me out of most church services.

I am rather famous (infamous?) for calling bullshit straight to someone’s face, BLUNTLY. It’s out of my mouth before my brain’s “tact gatekeeper” I’ve spent over a decade trying to train is even half awake at his post (it’s a him because my husband is the one who taught me how to use tact in the first place. And it’s a him because said “gatekeeper” is lazy and falls asleep on the job all the time 😆). Have you ever just blurted your honest thoughts and heard shocked gasps or someone just busts out laughing? Yeah. That happens to me regularly. Or uncomfortable chuckles and someone will blink a few times and say, “oohhhkay, well, you could said that a different way.” (My old response to that was, I’m not responsible for what your reaction is to what I say...you’re in charge of your own feelings. I *understand* now how irresponsible and unfeeling that is, and I try to keep that in the front of my mind, even when I’m frustrated and nearly burning up with the desire to speak my thoughts in their raw form, but this is routinely an area I struggle to adapt to...and I am very sorry when I hurt someone I care about.)

On the other side of this same coin though, this is a trait my friends respect deeply, because I’m not cruel hearted or anything. You always know where you stand with me, and I’m the last person to try and lie to you. I SUUUUUCK at lying. And on the rare times when I do, I usually end up eventually telling on myself (this drove my older stepsister NUTS when we were kids, because she liked to do lots of sneaky things, and I don’t have an inherently sneaky nature LOL...so “DO NOT tell momma” was a *serious* risk for her, if she let me tag along 😂). Lying to someone just feels disgusting. Oily. Shameful. I hate lying. Plus, my short term memory is a grabasstic bag of CRAP, so there’s a good chance I won’t remember the lie and get caught anyway. 🤷🏻‍♀️ My boys also suck at lying or hiding stuff, and generally prefer not to...but I also give them a safe forum to be honest. (I’m sure there’s LOTS of crap I don’t know, but you’d be surprised how much they DO tell me.)

Another thing with me personally is that I go mute sometimes. I’m not being deliberately obstinate. I’m not REFUSING to speak in those moments...sometimes I literally can’t, and the effort of doing so will make me gag, or even projectile vomit. Sounds very dramatic, doesn’t it? It is. (And it annoys the SHIT out of me.) There’s not a fucking thing i can do about it. The movement of my tongue in my mouth will literally begin to trigger my gag reflex, and if I try to power through it, I’m rewarded with my lunch returning to the surface anyway, regardless of my desires, and sometimes rather unexpectedly & violently. USUALLY this happens when I’m uber stressed, but sometimes it seems kind of out of the blue & catches even me off guard. If this happens but I still have something to say, I start texting instead, and explain. Most people - especially my hubby - are very kind when this happens. (I don’t want your pity, I just want you to switch to written communication for a minute until I can figuratively kick the fuck out of the engine in my “speaking center” and get it to work again.) Other times, I will literally get tired of talking. Like my mouth and tongue - and somehow, the “word forming” part of my brain feels physically exhausted (weird, I know, but I also spend the vast majority of my life silent - I am home alone all day, hate talking on the phone, and simply don’t speak much, by choice. So maybe it is actual “mouth fatigue” 😂😂😂 - I’ve stopped eating before because I just got tired of chewing, too, even though I’m still somewhat hungry. 🙄) I am usually *perfectly* happy to keep listening! And I’ll stay engaged in the conversation usually. I am just...done audibly talking. I’ll literally say “my mouth is tired of making the sounds now, but please keep going”...but I think my husband is the only one who doesn’t find this unusual, and rolls with it. It usually happens after a long, animated conversation...instead of winding down, though, it just..stops. If I try to keep going, cue the gagging. I can stay engaged in the conversation if you let me start writing/typing instead of speaking, for my responses. So that’s a “fun” little trait of mine that many neurotypicals find unsettling. Please don’t take it personally. My mouth just doesn’t want to make the words anymore - and I’m probably mostly done adding what I needed to add to the conversation anyway. I’m a great listener when this happens, though. 😆

Communication is a really interesting thing with all of us, because it’s a struggle on one level or another. I will tell you, it’s a frequent topic in my groups. “WHY CAN’T NEUROTYPICALS JUST SAY WHAT THE FUCK THEY MEAN?!?! 😩😩😩” I’m dead serious - you might think, because we’re sensitive (generally), we can’t “handle” it? You’d be so very wrong. What we can’t handle is when you dance around a subject or we have to try and translate what you just said to us (which most of us are not that good at). Just fucking say it! Nine times out of ten, you’ll just get a look of dawning realization and a “oh, shit, okay” response. We can handle it. Just. Say. It. We’ll respect you a lot more in the morning, LOL 😆

I think every autistic has some sort of beef with neurotypicals when it comes to communication (as I’m sure you have yours with us, obviously).

You guys operate under some weird ass rules that we simply don’t understand - especially if you don’t tell us those rules & just expect us to know. Like, if my husband hadn’t patiently taken years to show/teach me how the way I said certain things were hurtful, I would still be in the “yeah she’s cool but she’s kind of an asshole” territory. (I still struggle to grasp this, or at least it still frustrates me....truth is truth, whether it’s an ironclad general fact or your own personal truth - and yes sometimes the truth hurts, but like...I don’t pin any responsibly for that on the truth teller, if that makes sense?)

Working in rescue also helped hone my ability to speak “neurotypically” to others - I work with a LOT of women, and boy do a lot of them NOT appreciate when you bluntly tell them what you think. Men on the other hand....

I know *lots* of autistic women who prefer friendships with men, largely centering around this communication thing. We hurt men’s feelings a little less regularly than other women’s. I know I was like that, until I got a little more used to how I have to modify my communication with most women (but that annoys me, I’m gonna be honest - it annoys my Autie friends, too). The only time I am as starkly blunt as I used to be, is when speaking to my female Autie friends (because they can handle it), or most of the dudes I’m friends with. But if my message is getting “lost in the sauce” and you’re not getting my point, I usually give a frustrated sigh, WARN you that I’m about to tell you flatly what I need to say, because we aren’t getting anywhere, and just say it.

Yes I am the friend who, when you gush on and on about your new back yard bred puppy, talking all about how you’re gonna breed him when he grows up, is gonna flatly say “he’s not breeding quality”, if they’re not. Then I’m gonna ask you why you want to do such a thing, given that you’re aware of the massive load of rescue dogs (PARTICULARLY Great Danes and Cane Corsos) - and probably beat your argument down every step of the way. That doesn’t always go badly though - one of my closest friends was considering breeding their dog, and while it was a beautiful dog, it was not one that should reproduce (from an “improve the breed” perspective). We barely knew each other, but I gained a reputation for being kind but starkly honest...and I knew what I was talking about...and now I have this person’s deep respect, and they have mine (because they listened and did the research I asked them to - and did not add to the breed population). So it’s not *always* a trainwreck, because the people who end up respecting how I communicate, usually end up VERY close friends. AND I WANT THAT IN RETURN, which is refreshing for a LOT of people. I want your dead honesty in return - PLEASE. It’s so much easier for me to process and accept. For example, my house is almost constantly in some sort of disarray. I have one friend who will come in and go, “girl. I almost can’t breathe in here - this clutter is too much”(and then she offers to help me tackle it!!).

Or, fairly recently, “oh my god those curtains are so horrible, I hope you’re getting rid of those when you redo this room.”

“But I MADE those curtains! I love that print!”

“Ugh. No. They’re terrible. Get rid of them.”

My feelings were not hurt in the LEAST (I of course had a flash of “you bitch, I was so excited to find that print and I MADE THOSE, ya jerk” 😂). At first I said, “well you’re just gonna have to suck it up and deal with my shitty curtains, because I like them” 😂, but then as I was redoing the room, I took them down...and it DID look a lot better, so I left them down 😂😂😂....

So I guess my point with all this is: every autie I know deeply wishes you’d just fucking spit it out. We WILL often miss or misinterpret the point if you “fluff” it too much (around my neck of the woods, we call it putting too much gild on the lily, though I’ve never understood that one. Idk if a “gilded lily” is/was ever a thing, why anyone would gild a lily in the first place...LOTS of us struggle with colloquialisms that don’t make literal sense. 😆 Recently a friend was baffled over “shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which fills up faster”, and fully half of the respondents to her post were people baffled by why anyone would shit in their hand - I and a couple others had to explain, and it just ended with them going “well that’s a fucking stupid saying anyway, and wishes aren’t things you can put in your hands, either” 😂😂😂...but I’m from the south, and these things are just part of our vocab. MOST of them are easy to grasp for me, like “nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs”, because I immediately picture it and can grasp the meaning. But others I don’t get - the gilded lily is one LOL)...

We are LITERAL AS FUCK. It’s why we ruin lots of jokes, too. My poor husband is the dad joke king - and I ruin fully 1/3 or more of his jokes by being too literal (which he also finds amusing, so that’s good). Sometimes we realize we’re ruining the joke but we don’t care, because it’s dumb, or we just .... can’t....HELP IT. 😩😂

Jeez, I could almost write all day about autistics and communication LOL!!

But to summarize (and not succinctly, sorry), I guess, for me and many many others...we are often blunt, direct, almost painfully honest, and very, very literal. Your unspoken rules of communication absolutely go over our heads, unless you - yannow - *communicate* and explain them. We’ll probably tell you those rules are stupid and exhausting, but we will TRY and stick to it as best we can. But see, we literally have to think about every single word that comes out of our mouths, because we communicate far more directly than you weird fuckers do. And it is literally actually exhausting. It’s not an easily natural thing for us to adapt to, your weird way of saying things but not saying what you really mean. You’re wasting a LOT of words there, sir, and we are now getting obsessively confused over why you would do such a thing. 😂 It’s also why I keep getting banned from Facebook. My recent one was because I said - in one of my Autie “safe” groups, where I should be able to just say what I mean - that I tend to punch or want to punch people who deliberately startle the shit out of me. We were talking about how stupid April Fool’s Day was, and how we hate pranks. Three of us got banned for 30 days for just...well. Facebook called it “incitement of violence”. 🙄🥺🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼

But I haven’t met - yet, maybe? - an autistic person who is cruel natured - not one of us gets any joy from being a bully type. WE feel everything on a higher level, so we kind of assume you do, too...you might think, “then why are you such an asshole?!”, but it’s simply that we - or every Autie I know, anyway - struggle to grasp how directly communicating your feelings is so fuckin hard or hurtful for y’all. I think anyone struggles to grasp something they themselves don’t experience. All you have to do is explain, though, and keep guiding us towards communicating in ways that we both find acceptable. I mean we’re champs at accepting all manner of different human - regardless of race, sexuality, and so on - but the communication is one area that frustrates the ever loving SHIT out of most of us, because it makes so little logical sense why anyone would say a bunch of useless words that muddy up their intent.

My closing advice? Help Your Pet Autie ™️ (this is absolutely a tongue in cheek term btw) understand how you’d like to be communicated with, and guide us. BE SPECIFIC for fucks sake - we suck at guessing what you might want, and it’s so frustrating that we’ll often just stop communicating at all. Instead of saying “it hurts me when you say this”, try saying “the WAY you said this hurt my feelings because of ____. Maybe you could put it like this instead” (or, “you know, you should really just keep shit like that to yourself”) and *give examples*. Don’t expect us to come up with different ways of saying shit, because we don’t understand what it is specifically you want, and it’s not very logical, therefore it’s not “natural” for us. Plus, everyone is different. I can’t talk to one of my sons the same way I can talk to the other, without certain negative reactions. Give us a chance to know your needs - we DO CARE!!! - but be CLEAR. I know in your world, tact is a big deal, but MOST of us will miss the fucking point if you’re too tactful (and when we misinterpret, we always err on the side of worst case scenario, and make the issue wayyyyy bigger than it should be. Being clear is soooo important).

And hey. Maybe it’ll help clear up some communication in other areas of your life. Being clear isn’t a license to be a fucking asshole; nobody’s giving you a license to unleash on everyone about how much you can’t stand humans...if WE hafta be quiet about that, so do you lmao...fair’s fair. 😆 But quit hedging and hinting and hoping we will pick up on the whatever your grievance is - because we won’t. We’ll just know you’re unhappy, and start panicking over guessing what we did wrong, and just shut down, because we have no idea.

Just. Fucking. Say it. 😘

[painted-crow]

Submission time #3

The one who asked about Slytherin primary.

Thank you for answering my submision. 

Yes, the question about what’s up with that trust thing is a good one. I’ll have to think about it. 

As a person who either has or models some kind of fluid secondary for social situations and survival around people, I know that people can do and say stuff they don’t mean, just for that specific moment, just then and there. We all listen to our friends, to our family members, we might not always mean it, but we’ll still play along.

You wouldn't play along with someone you don't care about, though.

That’s what human relationships calls for, at least that’s what I think. (There’s a good chance I’m not a Gryffindor secondary). That’s what I’ve seen even in my friends.

But I also believe that we operate on some kind of principles. We may not really care deeply about something our friend is talking about, but we’ll be there and listen and try to be honest and say what we think if asked, because we care about them. The same way we can sit at the same table, write our essays, share thoughts and care about each other, but after an hour that will be gone, because now we operate on a different principle or thought. But then if your relationship becomes a value, a force on itself, a ‘principle’, that feels safe.

I think, personally, there’s a principle that you don’t talk bad stuff about your friends behind their backs with acquaintances, because if you do, what made you do it? If a friend does it, even if they say sorry, you can’t trust them anymore. You may love them very much, you may come to their parties and be so glad that they’re doing so good, but you know that the trust is broken. It’s hard to get, but has to be sacred. That means I can’t drop my performances with you anymore, I can’t be real and completely raw with them anymore.

Probably that’s why I emphasize trust that much. It means I’ll give you VIP access to my life, my thoughts, myself.

It sounds like what you're saying is, a relationship doesn't feel safe until caring about each other is the rule rather than the exception. You don't fully trust until that's established. It also seems like the relationship doesn't feel "real" to you until that happens.

This seems very Slytherin to me, but for most Slytherins, their inner circle people aren't the only people they'll let themselves believe might care about them. It seems like you're operating like that, though, and you don't have anyone in your inner circle right now, maybe because you're having a hard time trusting people in general. This is kinda textbook burned Slytherin.

Other primaries don't usually have this kind of dichotomy. They have relationships, and some are closer than others, but there's not so much a threshold like "okay, now we belong to each other and I can trust you completely." They may have relationships that are that close, but they wouldn't be able to draw a line showing when it got there.

Using different masks also costs energy, so probably I’m only modeling Slytherin secondary.

Probably a model, but also... doing stuff generally costs energy.

This is so slippery, like I’m trying to balance on some kind of invisible line in order to not be seen as a bad person, and I know I can do it easily and quickly.

Sheesh, you don't even trust yourself. Your brain is a hostile environment.

I managed to minimize my primary sorting to either Gryffindor or Slytherin. Both burned. Your insights on Ravenclaw primary really helped. You guys are really beautiful, and it sounds like your systems are neat and constantly updated, I’d wish I’d do that too, but I don’t have a preference for this kind of method, sadly.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it's not for everybody. Glad the post helped though ^^

You know what’s funny? I can’t think of anything that could have been that traumatic or dramatic to have such an impact on me. Most people go through more than I did my whole life, I’d say I’m the one to blame most of the time for my mishaps. 

So, I have a question... are you autistic? (Or have ADHD? That's a similar experience.) Because if you know the answer is yes, then like... duh. That's going to have an impact.

Otherwise--and I need you to understand, this is coming from a neurotypical-passing autistic girl who's never been formally diagnosed--there's a possibility you're autistic and don't know, and that sucks. A lot of autis who were quiet kids or adapted good social skills get overlooked for diagnosis, but we still go our whole lives being subtly (and not-so-subtly) told there's something wrong with us, until we internalize it, because we don't know any other explanation for why we can't just be like everybody else.

We find ways to act that are "safe" and won't be rejected so quickly. We can have a hard time making friends, partly because it takes so much energy to be around people when we're hyper-aware of how we look to the people around us, constantly monitoring to make sure we don't misstep and accidentally offend people. We ignore our needs in order to fit in with society, and we blame ourselves for having those needs in the first place. We call ourselves lazy or weak or hypersensitive, and we push ourselves to burnout in the name of "just trying harder."

It's exhausting.

If you relate to this? That's a traumatizing experience, and don't let your brain tell you otherwise. Being autistic or having ADHD, in our current society, is incredibly difficult even if no one realizes you aren't neurotypical. (It's easier if you know what's going on, though. Also, you start to find other autis, who are cool people and have A+ taste in memes.)

Or maybe none of this applies to you. It's just some of the stuff you've said, like about having to "survive" social encounters, or being worried about people seeing you as a bad person, or blaming yourself for "mishaps." Some of it reminds me of friends of mine who have c-ptsd. It's enough that I feel like I should ask if you've looked into this.

*sheepishly climbs down from soapbox*

I wanted to say that I collected judgment about the world more than on that situation. Strangely I can relate to some things from the other persons’ submission. I do absorb others opinions, ‘energy’, and it fades away with time after not being around. It costs me energy and effort to hold onto a belief, unless I really feel it, or it stuck, like they said. I have to constantly remind myself ‘this is good, this is right’.

And even then, like for my degree, the thought that I will be able to help people can’t comfort me the same way as the thought that I’m doing this for my family, that they won’t need to worry about my future anymore. It gets better if I can do stuff, that’s why I like to throw myself in situations. Then, in little things, it’s easier to say that this or that feels better in this situation.

My values don't weight the same, some of them are mine, mostly related to the fact that someone hurts someone, something. Others are what I know is right, but I don’t feel it, I collected those, and sometimes I feel like I’m hiding behind them, behind those words. If I’d be a Ravenclaw primary, this wouldn’t be an issue, right?

Starting to think you model burned Gryffindor primary.

Like the other person said here, I don’t have a defined sense of self, but I think this relates more to a secondary than a primary. I used to really overthink this question, but then one day I thought ‘I am me, every day this is me, I’m more my actions and the principles I can find under it then some thought that can easily be proven wrong. I am not the same person I was yesterday but kind of the same in some sense, but it’s logical to me if I base these things on my actions, and those depends on the situation.

So, Gryffindors also construct themselves, in a way. It's much more organic and subconscious than a Ravenclaw system. They don't *have* a system, who they are is the system. They construct themselves out of experiences and actions and decisions and it all comes together into a person with an intuitive understanding of right and wrong.

I get why this looks like it might be a secondary thing, but it's not really about methods--this is how Gryffindors grow into themselves and their beliefs. They're not making up their ideals out of thin air, they do come from somewhere.

I think you might model burned Gryff.

Sounds like Slytherin secondary, but I’d say it’s still always me, I’m still somehow honest, raw, just choosing which face of me to show, but then I don’t work on things, although I like honesty and to invest in relationships, so maybe still a Hufflepuff secondary.

Puff secondaries don't have to be dedicated to everything. If relationships are where you invest, then that's where you invest.

But the bra thing, oh god it does sometimes feel like this. That’s why I like to stay at home most of my free time. By not having to react and act and do and speak I’m most of the time my true self.

Right? Guards down, nobody expects anything of you, you can just chill. Alone time is the best.

Nah, I’m strange, but it’s fine :D

Just as long as you know you're the cool kind of strange ^^

I can’t say I don’t have connections and relationships. I have my family, a couple of friends. Maybe I feel this way because at this point in my life, in this situation, my studies, they aren’t here, not in the same spot as I am. They can’t objectively stand here with me and understand how I feel. Yes, I still feel like it would be fine if I’d only wouldn’t be alone in this situation. I always feel better, stronger, fuller when I find a friend in new places, situations, schools. I’m a loner who wants connection, laughter, shared views and excitement that only a relationship can bring in my life.

Hiss hiss lol.

It looks like now I did not spoke so much about what maybe makes me a Slytherin. Maybe I’m just craving a relationship that would match my situation, that would make me grounded in it, because relationships with my family and friends doesn’t provide me with this. Maybe I’m not one, but Slytherin primary is the one I can understand, and get behind mostly. Gryffindor primary would be... A strange fit. I can understand it but I can’t get behind it, most of the time. It’s like someone saying that they think I’m beautiful. It would leave me blinking for a second and not really understanding are they for real or do they want something from me.

Do you think Slytherin would still be a good fit here?

Yep. Burned Slytherin modeling burned Gryffindor, I think.

P. S. Thank you for your advice, I’m definitely trying to get my own mind untangled.

Sure thing! Hope this helps ^^

[creacherkeeper]

Hi! It’s the genderqueer autie anon who messaged you way back when. :) I completely understand if this is too personal of a question and you of course don’t have to answer, but do you have any advice for not feeling so ashamed of making social mistakes around neurotypical folks? The social anxiety hits me so hard and I don’t know what to do. In any case, I hope you’re doing well and having a lovely day!

hey anon! good to hear from you. i’m happy to discuss this, always willing to talk about this kind of thing ^^ 

there are some things that are good to remember when approaching situations like this 

youre allowed to make mistakes. its a part of learning and growing 

you’re allowed to take up space, and your autism is allowed to take up space 

“history is told by the victors” well social situations are told by the neurotypicals, but it is literally just an interpretation and not fact 

good people pay way less attention to your mistakes than you do 

okay so lets unpack some of that? 

making mistakes��

first off, i completely understand why this would give you anxiety. the social realm can be super weird and scary, and it has a lot of rules that may not always be obvious to us! but think of yourself like an explorer. sometimes there are close calls, and you might even get hurt! but when you find a new booby trap, a new pitfall, a spot of quick sand - you can mark it down on your map. yes, these situations are scary. but all the time youre learning about your environment, learning about people, learning the rules. find people who its okay to ask questions, and ask them, genuinely, why was that bad? why did that person get upset? why did everyone get embarrassed? try to take the answers for what they are without getting defensive. you’re an explorer, and that includes learning about the local cultures without imposing your own judgement and point of view. i’ll tell you now, you won’t always understand the reason behind the rules. sometimes learning where not to walk is enough, even if you don’t know how the trap works 

taking up space 

you have just as much of a right to be here as NTs. you have just as much of a right to have friends. you have as much of a right to be autistic as they do to be NT. you do not have to be ashamed of the fact that you’re autistic and that you will interpret information and situations in an autistic way. as much as its your weakness, its also your strength. that doesn’t always feel true, especially when people give you a hard time about it. but i promise with all my heart, autism is a perfectly valid and inherently valuable way to see the world. 

i used to be very bad at social situations. i was the weird kid that always got left behind. no one wanted to talk to me about serious things because they didn’t trust me to react right, because i wasn’t good with emotions. and you know what? i was hurt by that. because i didn’t know what i was doing wrong. so i decided to change! i wanted to be a person people could trust. i wanted to help people. i learned to listen. i learned to ask questions and really listen when people answered. i learned when or when not to speak, to comfort, to fix. i’m not perfect at it, i’ll tell you that much. but you’ll be surprised how much people appreciate a genuine person who wants to help, and clear communication. “do you need to vent, or do you want advice?” is a godsend. “i’m really sorry that happened, that sounds really upsetting. is there anything i can do?” will go a long way. SCRIPTS ARE YOUR FRIENDS. scripts don’t mean you aren’t genuine. and you know what? a lot of people come to me with their upsets now because i see things from a perspective they hadn’t considered, and some people really appreciate frank conversation. autism isn’t your enemy, you just need to learn how to guide it 

victors 

the universe isn’t neurotypical. like i know that sounds weird. but the universe isn’t cosmically judging your actions from a NT lens. there is not more inherent value to a NT pov of a social situation than there is an autistic one. the only difference is NTs think they make the rules, and that youre breaking them. but here’s the secret! there are no rules! literally nothing about social interactions are written in the stars, in our blood. its all made up. and why is it always our job to change for them? you don’t have to run the whole race, a friendship is supposed to be a relay. you get halfway there, and they take the torch. let your friends meet you halfway, and more importantly, ask them to do that. because they wont think of it themselves. just because they see something a certain way doesn’t mean its Correct. ask them to see things from your pov. you’ll get better at explaining your pov with practice. NT feelings dont always take priority. just because theyre embarrassed, upset, angry, just know that it doesnt automatically mean you’re wrong. sometimes theres just a difference in perspective 

good people 

this one is really hard to learn. i’ll fully admit that. if you’ve gone to school, you know how people give presentations? and theyre always sweaty and nervous like if they mess up maybe they’ll die. you know how when you give your presentation it feels like you’re under the spotlight, but when other people are giving theirs ...... your mind kind of wanders? you’re thinking of other things. maybe you’ll laugh if they say something funny, maybe you’ll clap when they’re done. i’m just saying, no one is paying as much attention to you as you are. you’re always your most attentive audience. if people really are picking on your ‘mistakes’ so much that its feeding your anxiety and making you more vigilant ... those aren’t good people to be around, and that’s their problem, not yours. trust me, half of the stuff they pick at isn’t even wrong, they just need to say something mean to make themselves feel better, so they’ll find anything they can. most of these people are REALLY self conscious and they have to pick on stuff about you in desperate fear that you wont notice anything about them. you shouldn’t take their comments to heart. but if you have friends who really support you .... they probably don’t care as much as you do when you mess up? something that feels like a big deal to you is probably a blip on their radar and nothing more. sometimes i overthink things and obsess so much over stuff i said, and then the friend is like “i dont remember that lol”. again, if your friends care about this little stuff to the point where they’re getting onto you for it, it’s not that youre bad at social situations, its that theyre being shitty friends. cut yourself some slack. a good person doesn’t care as much as you think they do 

one more thing that i think needs to be mentioned: 

learn how to apologize. this is a big one. i know its weird, i know its awkward, exhausting. but a sincere apology means a lot. and it takes strength and bravery to really mean it and say so. learning to apologize without guilt tripping, without panicking, or putting the other person on the spot, is one of the most important skills you can learn. a good apology should help you both. it’s the most important factor in moving on from a social blunder, and once you learn to do it well, will get rid of a lot of guilt during times when you really do mess up 

that got long winded ^^ i hope even a little bit of it helped. please let me know if there’s anything else you want me to talk about, i’m a rambling machine waiting to be sprung 

[miishae-archived]

Copied and pasted from an old rp blog of mine, that I feel is very important to read:

Question I was asked: ❝MAY I ASK SOMETHING ABOUT AUTISM AND THE COMMUNITY? I KNOW YOU CAN ONLY SPEAK FOR YOURSELF SO I WILL KEEP IT MORE CENTERED TI YOUR PERSONAL PREFERENCES AND WHAT YOU'VE SEEN TO BE A GENERAL CONSENSUS?❞

Not very many people are aware what Autism or even Autism Spectrum Disorder is. Honestly, I’ve seen a lot of people tend to think of it as “diaper wearing, drooling idiots”

I’m going to start off by talking about my own personality first, and why it should not be outright dismissed as being ‘oversensitive’.

I am on the spectrum disorder. I’m very high functioning, as in, I am able to live on my own, with a boyfriend. I’m able to work, I’m able to walk around in society without causing a disturbance. But just because I appear ‘normal’ doesn’t mean I am.

I’m very very awkward. I get emotional and burnt out really quickly, especially in social situations. I don’t like physical contact, and I don’t like people yapping at me constantly. This is sensory overload. I get tired and cranky, and a lot of times am seen as rude for this.

This is just the tip of the iceberg for how little people understand autism. I constantly have to point it out, because even my loved ones don’t understand me. I can talk to someone over and over about not touching me or shutting up for awhile and giving me some space, and they’d just ask me a lot of questions that really don’t need answering.

I don’t talk much, and it’s not because I’m shy or introverted. I was originally diagnosed with having Nonverbal Learning Disorder, and while I don’t know if that is an outdated diagnosis or not, it aptly describes my social skills still. Link

How it relates to me personally though: I suck at social cues. I suck at maintaining eye contact, I don’t read body language well, and I tend to be brutally honest to a fault. What I think is a reasonable and fair statement can come across as rude and offensive to someone else. It was not my intention to be rude, and since people would rather be offended and passive aggressive, I don’t know how else to word things and I’m sorry, but you need to work with me and not shut down on me. How else am I going to learn how to interact with you?

I’m also incredibly literal minded. I know on tumblr it seems like I’m sarcastic and witty, and I know I crack a lot of jokes, but you would not believe the amount of times I’ve had to go to someone off tumblr and ask “what did this person mean? I don’t understand.”

It’s literally because I don’t understand you. I don’t get a lot of metaphors or jokes, and everyone else will be laughing and I’m sitting over here like “I don’t get it?” and no one wants to explain the joke because “I mean, it’s obvious!” No, it isn’t. Not to me.

I also tend to get hung up on certain things for long periods of time. I hate change in my routine. I hate changing things up because honesty: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. But as far as ‘obsessions’ go? Video games comes to mind. I could tell you all about the Borderlands series and how it’s a great game filled with fan-fucking-tastic characters and how it’s an entire world built on survival and it’s dystopian and cyberpunk and-

Or I could tell you when I was a kid and the LOTR moves first came out, I was obsessed with them. I launched into repeated lectures about how the behind-the-scenes worked, or how they did this camera trick, or why that scene was the best to film, and OH did you know Viggo Mortensen was not the original Aragorn? He was called in last minute and only came on because his son was a huge fan and pushed his dad into filming.

I know no one actually cares, but I still care. If you let me talk about something I care about, I will TALK.

This is just the personality side of autism. How ableism comes into play is very subtle. And everyone can be ableist. Friends and family who come to me asking to understand, only to say “okay cool” and forget about it ten minutes later.

I have friends who casually throw around the R-slur. I catch myself using it from time to time, and I’m desperately working to unlearn it. But that word is so heavily used by so many people, and it’s so insulting to hear it thrown around so casually. But worse than that are the people who actually use ‘autism’ as a slur.

“A guy complaining about being friendzoned? He’s autistic.”

“If you play Minecraft you’re autistic I don’t make the rules.”

First off, statements like these are annoying, because they lump a good majority of people into one category, and second off, it’s assumed that people who are autistic are drooling idiots.

There’s a reason it’s a fucking spectrum, okay? I know quite a few people who are on the spectrum, and I’ve heard of other people who are on the spectrum. Everyone has different levels of coping and living. I’m not my cousin, who does need help, because he can’t function on his own.

I’m probably worse off than someone who can hold a stable job and learn to drive and fully function, and I admit that I do need my hand held on some things.

It’s quite possible to unlearn your way of thinking. Quit throwing around slurs as insults. They’re insulting, and frankly, tired. If you want to insult someone, there are far more creative ways to do so.

But it’s not just insults that are the problem. It’s people not caring enough. It’s people who feel the need to speak over us. You don’t get to tell me what I can or can’t find insulting. Frankly, I can’t stand blanket “these words are ableist” lists, because more often than not, they’re written by neurotypicals who are trying to appear Woke™, except that they argue with actual NDs who disagree with their assessment.

Also, and this is a BIG ONE FOR ME

DO NOT ASSUME EVERYONE WITH AUTISM IS A CHILD. I am so tired of seeing mental health awareness posts right here on fucking TUMBLR, of all places, with messages for children. I am 33 years old. I’m so far from a child or even a teenager, and I feel like putting my hair in pigtails and wearing little jumpers every time I see one of these super condescending PSAs about mental health awareness or autism awareness. Adults with autism exist, please quit excluding us in your misguided efforts to raise awareness.

I do agree that it’s not my job to educate you. You can ask questions, and I can answer, but I’m not your encyclopedia source. There are tons of helpful links and websites you can go to learn more about autism, spectrum disorder, and anything else that might be linked.

That being said, don’t go the opposite direction and completely ignore its existence. By ignoring it, you’re only contributing to the rampancy that ableism is. It’s very real and very damaging. It’s big things, like me being denied food stamps in my state because they didn’t believe I was disabled and I couldn’t get proof without them wanting to assign a counselor and them wanting to thrust me into the working world anyway (which was the whole reason I mentioned I was autistic, because I need fucking help?) and little things like “You’re too sensitive, just deal with it.”

Ask questions. Look up resources. Not just for autism, but for anything related to mental health or physical health. Ableism is rampant in able-bodied people too. My brother in law is in a wheelchair and faces quite a bit of ableism himself.

All this being said, please please watch how you talk/interact with people. Much like I need to learn social cues and how to interact with you, You guys need to understand that my personality isn’t going to change. This is literally who I am, and who I always will be, so you have to be patient. You have to recognize that I’m trying, and I’m not perfect.

And most importantly of all I guess, we’re not disabled. We’re different. We think differently, and we act a little off. But we’re not bad people. Not all of us, at least. (There are people who play up the “I’m-disabled-be-nice-to-me card” and they should be held accountable for their horrible actions)

Personally, I’m trying. I’m tired, and exhausted, and lonely. I have next to nobody to rely on, and I know I have a lifetime of learning how to behave better ahead of me, and I’m just tired. but I’m still hanging in there, in the best way I know how: by being me. If I can educate myself and learn about how ableism is a problem, so can you.

[fijimoon]

a long and pointless vent post that no one cares about

i need to learn how to shut my mouth around neurotypicals and by this i mean i need to learn to shut my mouth around my parents. they were asking me questions about nearing graduation and job opportunities and whatever, like normal but also very stressful questions (especially on a saturday when i am trying to have my one day without responsibilities and stress). i was explaining like yes there are these opportunities lined up and this week was the first week of the last semester. and they’re like well, aren’t you excited? that’s so exciting. and i’m like, i can’t really think long-term and am trying to focus on what i need to do for the day, everything is very stressful and doesn’t feel real until it’s actually happening anyways, there are so many steps crammed in between right now and graduating that it’s hard to feel any sort of excitement about it. 

i just wish i hadn’t said any of it. they were clearly like trying to be understanding but i could tell they didn’t really get it. they’re disappointed and confused that this is how i’m feeling about it which feels really aliening. all my friends have some sort of mental illness or another so im used to expressing this stuff with people who really Get It and don’t find it problematic or concerning and make me feel much more normal and understood.

i could hear them whispering afterwards about how the way i am is ‘worrying’ and then my stepdad being like yes but this is what the therapists are for. which is like, okay true (and also good on him for helping my mom to separate her emotions from mine and remind her that she shouldnt try to intervene)....but also there is actually nothing inherently wrong or bad or anything that needs fixing. i am constantly trying to let go of trying to fix it or judge it or view it as ‘abnormal’. like actually all the work i am doing in therapy is not so much about fixing how im feeling but learning to understand and empathize with myself that actually how i feel about everything makes a lot of sense given my specific circumstances and our current global/political context. and no these thoughts and feelings don’t need to rule how i go about life, and hopefully at some point i find a different way to meet the needs that are currently being met by my inability to feel excited by or connected to my life.

like do i wish i didnt feel this way about pretty much every life transition and responsibility? yes. its exhausting being like this. but also it makes a lot of sense to be feeling and thinking this way. having such a blatant reminder that this isn’t a normative way of being is really hard when im constantly trying to be okay with the fact that this is my normal right now. its just very alienating to say things that come from an authentic place and be met with that sinking realization that oh, this is extremely troubling in a normal persons brain and the people i live with view it like that and don’t/can’t understand me in this way.

the question “aren’t you excited” reminds me that thats the more normal response to people being close to getting their masters, starting their dream job, etc. i feel so guilty and flawed for not being able to be excited

[ladyautie]

I think one of my biggest difficulties, in terms of working, is to “get out” of my given tasks and to manage to get which task should be a priority, especially when the person who was supposed to be there is not around to accomplish it.

When I started to work in my library, I grasped all of my given tasks and established a routine around it. That way, I was able to not forget anything and to accomplish my daily or ponctual tasks easily. Unfortunately, I have lots of troubles to understand what should be a priority.

This morning, for example, I accomplished all of my tasks before opening the library, like I always do. My colleague was late and, so, she didn’t have the time to do hers.

Her tasks are mostly to look after the mail, which contains our daily newspaper, and to verify our fund’s integrity (basically, that we’re not having too much or not enough money).

According to her, and neurotypical standards, I should have understand immediately that her tasks are a priority and I should have done them before according time to my own tasks. And it’s not something I get instinctively.

I guess it’s part of the reason why they’re saying that I’m lacking a sense of initiative. It’s hard for me to derail from my work routine and it’s hard to get that something else, that is not part of my given tasks and/or my work routine, has to be done right now.

Now, I know that, if it happens again, I’m going to prioritize the mail and our funds before my own tasks. But it’s really frustrating to think that it comes instinctively to NTs and that they’re expecting the same thing for us, as if it was that easy.

My colleague was frustrated and it’s going to be brought up in a meeting and I know that I’ve already lost points for my potential hiring. From what my boss told me, she feels like she has to “take my hand” and “explain things that most people don’t need to be explained to them” and blah blah blah.

I feel infantilized. They make me feel like a burden. I have key advantages that they don’t have, mainly my computer skills and my thinking “outside of the box”, but they’re only focusing on what I don’t have.

They tell me that I need to “talk more to our patrons” and, when I do so, I’m suddenly “overbearing”. They tell me that they would appreciate if I’m clarifying what I’m doing and, when I do so, they tell me I’m doing it “too much” and I have to be more “autonomous”.

They know all of it instinctively, as if they were born with a “Social rules book” implanted in their brain, and they expect the same from us. Even my boss, who knows I’m autistic, is expecting this from me. It’s always like “Yeah, but you can get better. If you get better, you might have a shot of getting hired. You might.”.

I can’t get better. I’m already exhausting myself. It’s not because I’m able to disconnect from my work when I’m home and I’m not in full burn-out mode that it’s not affecting me. I’m always pressured, always wondering if I’m ever going to be enough for them. I’m held to high Neurotypical standards, that even my co-workers aren’t obligated to reach.

One of my colleagues is socially awkward and doesn’t participate in a lot of events, but hey, she has a long-term contract here, so it’s fine if she’s barely doing “okay”. It’s fine if she has difficulties because, hey, all neurotypicals can have this kind of difficulties, so it’s easy to understand.

Sometimes, I dreamed about reversing this trend. Being like “What ? You don’t know how to fix your computer ? But it’s so EASY, really. Seriously, you don’t even know how to use Boolean operators, why should we keep you in this library ?”. But it’s nothing more than a fantasy, because social skills are sooo much important than technical skills for our NT society...

I take a bit of a detour, but my main point is that we’re expecting to do as well, or even to be better, as NTs, while they’re happily ignoring our struggles and how much efforts we’re putting into all of this. And it shouldn’t be the case.

[abbynormaled]

The existential crises of difference, privilege, and forks

My wife and I visited Thailand many years ago, shortly after we got married. Her parents lived there, part of the U.S. Embassy staff, and so we were able to stay for 3 weeks and see far more of the country than most. 

Bangkok was amazing: so full of people, and smells, and new food, and elephants. It was fabulous. Everything a young person might want in their first trip out of the country.

After a long day at Chatuchak, Bangkok’s enormous weekend market, we were overwhelmed by it all. We were exhausted, not just physically, but psychically. We stopped on the way back to eat and recharge.

At a KFC.

Now, I’m not one to be timid in eating, especially when I get a chance to travel. But we had had too much by that point. Our system couldn’t take any more novelty. KFC was exactly what we needed — a refreshing taste of the familiar — and by the time we were done savoring the Colonel’s 7 herbs & spices, we had the internal wherewithal to continue on exploring and enjoying the rest of the day

This is the fork theory of difference, which is the opposite of having privilege.

You may already be familiar with Spoon Theory: the idea that people with chronic illnesses have a finite amount of energy to do the daily things. Sure, everyone has a finite amount of energy, but for people suffering from chronic pain, mental distress, or physiologically-induced fatigue, it’s so much more.

Even simple acts, such as folding the laundry, take up extra effort, or spoons. Had to go grocery shopping in person? That’s 2 spoons. 

Part of the value of this metaphor is that (too often) a friend of the person will try to encourage them to get out, to do something. “It’s just one evening of drinks.” What the friend doesn’t know is how many spoons that person already expended during the day on just ordinary things.

It’s helpful for most people, those who don’t have to deal with these very literal pains and stressors, to understand how exhausting it is just being. 

Those of us who don’t experience the pain and fatigue of chronic illness don’t worry about spending spoons on the little things in the same way. 

We get to keep that energy and use it for other things in our lives: social interactions, moving ahead in our career, financial planning, helping kids with homework, etc. 

Having extra resources, like physical and psychic energy, to expend on moving forward and getting ahead is (in at least one respect) the essence of privilege.

Autism and exhaustion

My experience with not having enough energy to use the laundromat had me thinking about the ways in which a version of the spoon theory could help me (and others) understand the small but accretative energy costs that come with being autistic in an NT world (especially when one works to “fit in” as is the case in many undiagnosed autistic women and girls).

I feel it is important to point out that autism is not a disease or disability in itself — if that assertion confuses you, please Google neurodiversity.

Let me share a passage from my novel-in-progress about what it feels like to be autistic:

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When they think about an autistic person, most NT’s (that’s neurotypicals, or non-autistics) think about people who get over-stimulated easily, who don’t like to be touched, and who say socially inappropriate things without realizing it. And that is true for a lot of people on the spectrum. But it is a spectrum, and just like the light spectrum there are all different hues of autism spectrum (AS) and some are more difficult to perceive than others.

Think of it this way: the “typical” autistic person (as portrayed in the media) generally has trouble understanding social norms and behaviors (like unspoken rules, nonverbal communication, and similar). Those social interactions might be like hearing someone sing a song in a foreign language: you can participate in the singing, but you’re not really sure what’s going on.

For me, and I’m what they used to call an Aspie (short for Asperger’s), it’s not nearly that severe. It’s more like hearing a song in your language but the music is really loud or distorted or it’s Bob Dylan and you can’t make out all the words. You get the basic idea of what’s going on in the song most of the time from other context clues (like the tempo and whatnot), but the specific details can be lost on you. And sometimes those context clues aren’t accurate, and you end up looking like a fool because you thought “Gangster’s Paradise” was an inspirational song.

I’ve learned over the years to do the equivalent of looking the lyrics up on the Internet, which is to say that I’ve learned to act neurotypical very well.

In fact, most people have no idea I’m not an NT. The few people I’ve told about my autism are surprised (some even wanted to argue that I don’t act autistic enough to qualify). The truth is that I’m very smart, I have a great imagination and strong language skills, and I enjoy having fun like the next person. Yes, I prefer quieter activities (loud ones are tolerable, but wear me out). Yes, I sometimes don’t behave as expected in stressful or unusual situations. But I do enjoy being touched for the most part — except when someone attractive that I’m not comfortable around yet touches me, in which case I enjoy the physical part of it but get stressed out about how I’m supposed to react.

So, being on the spectrum doesn’t hurt or anything, but it is stressful and tiring from all the work you have to do to fit in. It’s as though every encounter with another person is a puzzle: you can enjoy puzzles, but having to do them ALL THE TIME gets exhausting. It does help when you have the same kinds of interactions again and again, because you know the pattern.

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Solving the puzzle that is neurotypical social interactions over and over and over again leads to emotional and physical exhaustion: autism fatigue. 

From Neurology Advisor:

Although compensating for their difficulties may help people with ASD connect with others, get jobs, and successfully navigate social situations, accumulating research suggests it can also lead to exhaustion, burnout, anxiety, and depression.

Forks

Forks are a way to account for the amount of social energy an autistic person has to expend throughout the day. As I mentioned at the outset, this really works the same way as spoons, but I thought another utensil was appropriate because:

Spoons are about physical energy. Forks are about psychic energy.

The spoon theory is currently used to describe the difficulty in dealing with disabilities (and I don’t want to appropriate), and

Many autistic people may co-present with a disability, making it difficult for them to cope, as they juggle both spoons and forks.

The basic concept is this: an autistic person has a finite amount of energy (emotional, psychic, energetic, whatever) at the start of a day for working out the social puzzles. Even with activities they love and enjoy, it takes energy.

Social interactions take effort.

The energy a person has is their number of “forks.” There’s only a certain number of them to start with, and different interactions use up different numbers of forks.

Greeting coworkers you’re familiar with at a job you’re used to may only use 1 fork.

Returning an item at the store takes several forks.

Networking events where lots of people are hugging (but not everyone) will probably use up all your forks.

Even activities that you love use up forks. I am enthusiastically absorbed by improv: I love to perform it, to practice it, to teach it, to coach it. But it uses forks. Longer performances use more forks, and classes even more still. A beginner class, which is one of my favorite things in the world, will wipe me flat out.

Once your forks are gone, your ability to “do people things” drops to zero. It’s not that, given an extreme need an autistic person can’t manage to say hello, but it does require pretty significant draw of willpower.

When you’re low on forks, even using the laundromat can be too much.

The forks will come back, with time and an environment where the autistic person can recharge, but in the meantime it’s vital to be aware that we’re not going to act “normally” most likely.

Some of my personal characteristics that manifest when I’m out of forks include:

a flat affect: no emotion in my voice or face

Silence in a conversation

Becoming easily distracted by random tangents from a conversation (this is my normal brain behavior, and it takes effort for me to follow conversations linearly)

Easily annoyed or put out when I haven’t communicated clearly.

Because autistic people engage in non-normative social behavior — especially when they’re out of forks — it’s easy to classify autism as a disability. 

It’s not a disability. It’s a lack of privilege from being outside the cultural expectation that people think and behave IN THIS WAY, and not any other.

It’s the conflict between neurotypical and autistic expectations of normative behavior that causes much of the “dysfunction.” To be sure, there are many people further along the spectrum who face additional hurdles and difficulties, but it’s important to understand that the root issue is this friction between what’s considered normative and where autistic people are.

Setting the table: Beyond Autism

This “foreigner fatigue” — being exhausted by the constant work of moving in a world made for different people — extends to other marginalized groups.

For me, a breakthrough occurred in my coming out as transgender. I went from “being” a white, cis-het male to a trans woman. And because I changed my presentation so suddenly (thanks, autistic mind!), the differences were pretty stark.

Where before I would pop down to the local Food Lion to pick up an item or two for dinner, I now have to balance competing interests:

On the one hand, the Food Lion makes me nervous for my safety. I get constant glares and people muttering under their breath, and the parking lot is dark.

On the other hand, the nearest grocery store that I feel comfortable in is 7 miles further away.

In and of itself, it’s a relatively small, not overwhelming choice to have to make. 

Once.

But these kinds of choices don’t just happen every once in a while. They’re constant. Am I in a restaurant where I feel comfortable using the bathroom? If not, how long will it before before I can find one? When sending out proposals to corporate clients to do improv training, do I pay to have someone accompany me when I know the audience will be a group of all male sales people? If I get into a traffic accident, should I stay in my car with the doors locked until the police arrive?

I realize this kind of thinking isn’t news to anyone who isn’t a cis-het white man. But bear with me a moment.

The worry about safety was something I was expecting. The exhaustion was not.

On top of the exhaustion was the simple opportunity costs: every one of these choices preempted something else I could be doing: finishing up work, coming up with new ideas for the theater, spending time with my kids, etc.

I had lost those opportunities by virtue of no longer operating within the bounds of the normative expectations. I had lost privilege.

A Way to Think About Privilege

This new way of thinking about privilege gave me insight into how to respond to people who reject privilege because they “also work hard” and “have setbacks”.  But one very basic way to understand privilege is to see it as having time opportunity.

While young girls are learning how to dress just so, in order to walk the fine line between too masculine (butch, which could get you beaten up) and too sexual (which could get your rapist acquitted), young boys are learning how to replace an alternator.

While young black boys are learning how to dress and move and behave inside almost any retail store so as to not get accused of shoplifting, young white boys are learning financial literacy.

While professional women are expending time and energy on trying to be heard in the office without being “aggressive,” their male counterparts are making moves to get ahead.

I think you get it.

Opportunity costs driven by the effort required to exist within the normative expectations of a white, heterosexual, patriarchal culture mean extra work to keep up. And more fatigue.

Forks that get used up.

And, yes, everyone has setbacks, obstacles, and problems. But when you’re already using your forks just to exist, it’s that much harder to be resilient. Much less to get ahead.

That some groups don’t have to expend forks as part of being who they are is privilege.

Intersectionality

But for many people, forks get used up in multiple ways simultaneously. This is intersectionality.

Any parent of more than one child will probably tell you that having your second child is more than twice as much work as having one. In addition to the regular care and feeding of the second child, you now have the compounding work of dealing with the interactions between the two.

In much the same way, anyone who has to deal with multiple areas of being “foreign” to the normative expectations has compounding difficulty in maintaining their supply of forks. 

Fewer forks = fewer opportunities.

Mine is a simple example. As an autistic person, I have to expend energy to be seen as a neurotypical (and, in case you’re wondering why I do, try getting a job or landing a contract or making friends when you don’t follow social rules). As a transgender person, I have to expend energy to stay safe, to deal with my kid’s  school’s 1990′s mentality about what having 2 parents looks like, etc.

As an autistic transgender person, I am now also having to learn a whole new set of social customs, expectations, cues, responses, and more in order to “fit in” as a woman, not to mention the difficulty of engaging with people who treat me poorly, refuse to recognize my validity, and more.

It’s little wonder I’m exhausted all the time. 

Now think about the incredible amount of work that it takes for a Black, poor, transgender woman to make her way, and you can see how ridiculous the notion of “just work harder” and “make better choices” is. Good choices are easier when you’re not fatigued out of your mind all the time, and working harder is only possible when you have time and space to do so.

Making Space, Making Forks

You hear people talk all the time about how we’re all going through something, whether it’s visible or invisible. And the biggest thing we can do for each other is to make space, so that it’s easier for us all to get around the way that works best for us.

And yet there’s so much anger and pushback against doing the little things to create space. That it’s too much work to recognize that there is no such thing as the EXEMPLARY, TYPICAL HUMAN, one who has no touch of chronic disease, or ADHD, or autism, or BPD, or depression, or anxiety, or isn’t a white, cis-het male. Ultimately, making space isn’t that hard. All it takes is a moment of consideration and listening. Most accommodations aren’t hard to implement.

For example, some things you can do to make space for autistic people (at least, those like me) include:

Leaving a bit of extra time in conversations for the autistic person to chime in. We often feel stressed when encouraged to “jump in.”

Don’t force an autistic person to address your feelings immediately when something has happened. This can be as simple as a spilling a drink on them, or having said something that hurts their feelings. They’re focused on processing the immediate issue first, internally. They’ll need a moment (or several) before they can address you.

Surprise social situations can be very stressful. Be thoughtful before peer-pressuring an autistic person to do something, even “fun” things like dancing or sharing a story with the group. Help them feel welcome to do so, leave space, and they’ll interact when they’re ready.

Don’t ask autistic people to “read between the lines.” If you have an expectation of them, be as explicit as possible.

Communicating complex ideas can be difficult, especially emotions and feelings, and we often feel angry (at ourselves) and frustrated when we’re not understood. Sometimes we “clam up” – which means that we’re running through the conversation in our head over and over again to try and figure out what went “wrong”. 

Several of us went out to a bar after a recent show and some very lovely audience members were there, and they were enjoying as several improvisers would tell a made-up story about the couple. They then turned to me and said, “Now you, Abby.” I demurred. I was worn out from the day and then the show. I love improv, including performing it, but it does come with a cost in forks. And I was now out of them.

Thankfully, a beautiful friend understood what was going on for me and made a very simple deflection on my behalf. By saying with grace and humor, “We’ve already heard several versions of what didn’t happen, I think it’s time you told us what did!” she effectively shielded me from having to use up my last fork explaining why I was too tired. 

It meant so much to me, and I was able to enjoy the rest of the evening.

A Fork-gone Conclusion

The more space we have to interact as ourselves — that is, not conforming to one very specific, very arbitrary understanding of normative behavior — the more forks we can hold on to, and the more energy we have to be in and a part of the world, our communities, and our families.

[autisticmerit]

Equality vs. Equity

I wrote this personal essay a couple years ago. I’ve wanted to post it for a while, but was hesitant to start my own blog for a long time. I edited some words/phrases to bring them up to date. Finally, I have a place to post it. Warning: it’s a long read. 

What does equality mean to you? Everyone is given a fair share? Everyone has the same opportunities? The same rights? In short, yes, that’s exactly what equality means—the state of being the same, especially in rights, status, and opportunities.

And where in the world is there more equality than the good ol’ USA—a nation founded on the principles that “all men are created equal”? Sure, we’ve had our problems with equality in the past (slavery, Jim Crow, Japanese internment, and women’s voting rights, to name a few), but now, especially since the marriage equality ruling passed last year two years ago, we’re all equal, right?

Nope. Not even close.

I know this may come as a shock to some, but it’s true. Regardless of how it may seem, we are not all equal. Not all of us have equal opportunities, status, or rights, not even in this age of political correctness and heightened awareness of traditionally marginalized groups. The truth is, these marginalized groups, such as the poor, women, racial minorities, religious minorities, LGBTQ+ people, mentally and physically disabled people, and others still have a long way to go before they will reach full, true equality. There have been great strides made in the name of their equality, no doubt, but there is still some work to be done.

This is where equity comes in. The term equity is related to, but in important ways distinct from, equality. Equity is defined as the quality of being fair and impartial. Being fair is different from treating everyone the same.

For the life of me I can’t find this comic’s original artist. If anyone knows, please tell me! Found here: https://www.quora.com/What-did-Albert-Einstein-mean-when-he-said-Everybody-is-a-genius-But-if-you-judge-a-fish-by-its-ability-to-climb-a-tree-it-will-live-its-whole-life-believing-that-it-is-stupid

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing it is stupid.” You may have heard this quote before or seen it in meme form on various websites (commonly attributed to Albert Einstein, although that has never been proven). This quote drives the point home that equal policies don���t always yield equal results. Sure, there are some animals like monkeys and squirrels that can climb trees with ease. But a fish, quite simply, can’t. It wasn’t built for that. If someone were to give a test to all animals demanding that to pass they must all climb a tree, some would pass with flying (or climbing?) colors, but some wouldn’t, because they simply can’t. And of course, that doesn’t mean that the animals like the fish, who can’t do it, are stupid. Is the test equal? Yes. But that isn’t the point.

Now, some of you may have found the fish analogy obvious and overly simplistic. So, to demonstrate how equitable policies can help people in the real world achieve goals and become successful, I’m going to use myself as an example. I was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, a form of “high-functioning” (read: likely to pass as neurotypical) autism, at a young age. My fine motor skills were terrible. I was a late walker, had weak muscles, and couldn’t even hold a pencil correctly until I was about five. I was very talkative and friendly, but I only talked about what I wanted to talk about, and couldn’t tell when people were tired of my repetitive topics of conversation, no matter how obvious those signals would have been to others. I was incapable of “putting myself in someone else’s shoes”, so to speak. I was truthful to the point of rudeness sometimes, and took almost everything literally. My reading comprehension skills were poor, because although I could read the words just fine and pick up on details, I had trouble extrapolating the general themes—what a story was actually about. I had difficulty following verbal instructions, especially from fast talkers, because my auditory processing skills were slow. 

I have since managed to graduate college and graduate school, holding a Bachelor’s of Fine Arts and a Master of Arts degree. I went from struggling to hold a pencil to becoming an artist. I have gone from not being able to figure out a story’s plot to becoming a writer. I enjoy snowboarding and biking, despite my previous lack of motor skills. I have made some wonderful friends over time and have been dating a fantastic girl for four five years, despite my previous problems with communication and empathy. I still have problems following verbal instructions—but I guess you can’t win ‘em all.

How was all of this success in my life possible? Yeah, there was a lot of hard work on my part—but all of that hard work would have amounted to almost nothing if I didn’t have the opportunities I had. I was extremely lucky that I was diagnosed young. This allowed my parents time to research people who could help me and if I was going to need to go to any special programs or schools. I started therapy soon after I was diagnosed, going through speech, motor, and behavioral therapy up until high school, with numerous therapists and counselors over the years. I was subject to evaluations every few years with a therapist who tracked my progress. When my parents decided I should go to public school, they made sure I was able to get the assistance of an individualized education plan to help me succeed despite my delayed mental processing speed. I was allowed extra time on tests, was given written instructions as a supplement to verbal ones and was able to seek the help of a specialized counselor if I needed to. These allowances may seem unfair to some, but they were what I personally needed. I wasn’t stupid; I could do the same work as everyone else, it just took me longer. Not everyone works at the same pace or in the same way, and that should be okay as long as they’re able to do the same work.

I’ve mentioned my parents already, and just having them as my parents was another key to my achievements. I am extremely lucky to have parents who actually recognized that I needed this help and actively sought it out on my behalf. My mother advocated for me to go to public school when most of the officials thought that I should go to a special school for kids much more handicapped than I was. My mom thought that school wouldn’t be able to challenge me enough, and that I wouldn’t be able to reach my full potential there. After many exhaustive meetings, the officials finally relented, and allowed me to go to public school with my assistance plans. And it was all because my mother believed I could succeed, and made sure I did. I can’t thank her enough.

There are kids with Asperger’s who don’t have parents who understand their problems, or have the money to get them the specialized attention they need. I was fortunate that I was born into a middle-class family who could afford therapy for me.  Many kids don’t have that, and they won’t succeed like I did because of it. Some will succeed despite the odds, as is always the case, but may of them won’t, and that’s a shame. We Aspies have lots of potential, and it’s sad that some of us won’t be able to live up to it because of factors outside our control.

Craig Froehle/Paul Kuttner: http://culturalorganizing.org/the-problem-with-that-equity-vs-equality-graphic/

But if there were better awareness of our disability, and more understanding and sensitivity towards the different ways we act, work, and see the world, then there wouldn’t be as many people with Asperger’s who fall behind. If more people recognized what help we need in order to succeed, then there would be more of us who would. If we didn’t teach people that everyone is the same, and everyone does things the same way, needs the same things, presents the same way, acts the same way, et cetera, then more people would live up to their potential. If we realized, truly realized, that differences don’t mean we’re less than, and we should be proud of our unique and diverse abilities, experiences, histories, and selves, everyone would do better.

Celebrate differences; don’t ignore them in the name of “equality”. Realize that others may not have the same experiences, opportunities, and abilities you have, and that it’s okay. Try to understand them. Even if you can’t personally empathize with them, at least sympathize and be patient with them. Awareness and education of differences breeds understanding and acceptance. And to me, that’s what would make a truly great world to live in.

[bee-whistler]

Traits of Autism in girls

As observed by Tania Marshall. My older daughter and I fit this well, though it fits her a bit better because I really matched a lot of the original Autism profile based more on how it presents in boys.

A surprising number of people are pissed off by the very fact that anyone makes a distinction between the presentation of Autism in females versus males. But it’s frequently overlooked in girls simply by virtue of how girls are raised or treated in society, or simply due to the fact that they’re girls and are frequently (though not always) hardwired differently (as opposed to my case where I fit a large amount of the original profile).

This is a long list but the gist of it is that girls tend to appear more social due to mirroring others or being encouraged to be more social. Inability to do so is often dismissed as shyness. Diagnosticians I’ve met have used that alone to dismiss a diagnosis of Autism, and I have to assume this is a frequent practice.

1. Intense emotions: in particular separation anxiety, stress, anxiety or distress. This is coupled with an inability to be comforted by affection, distracted by a toy or change in situation or by discussion or conversation with an adult. Anxiety and “shyness” is very common.

2. Sensory Sensitivities: there are most often sensory sensitivities involving vision, hearing, taste, smell, touch, balance and/or movement and intuition or a 6th sense. This is known as sensory processing disorder (SPD). First signs may include a sensitive head, not liking to have their hair brushed or washed, clothing sensitivities, food sensitivities.

3. Coping with transitions and/or change: an inability or difficulty coping with change or a resistance to change.

4. Language skills: atypical or unusual traits in terms of the development of language skills. May have more formal or pedantic use of language. May not be able to express in words what she wants to say. Articulate.

5. Speech: may not typically be delayed, however there may be a loudness or softness in the voice. May regress to babyish talk when stressed, anxious or avoiding something. She may have begun talking very early.

6. The social use of language: may be apparent in that the linguistic profile can often include semantic-pragmatic difficulties, so that the pedantic speech may be apparent and theïr are noticeable eccentricities with the “art of conversation”. May use bigger words than her peers. She may also be socially immature, in comparison to her peers.

7. Hyperlexia: may have taught herself to read before formal education. Aspiengirls often have an intense interest in reading and develop an advanced vocabulary.

8. Play: adults may notice the aspiengirl may not want to play with others or she may direct others play, rather than play in a reciprocal and co-operative manner. There is an element of her being “controlling” or “bossy”. She may tell adults that she finds her peers play confusing, boring or stupid. She may prefer to play on her own, with her animals/toys or with boys. If she is extraverted, she may have difficulty with personal space (hugging and/or touching too much, poking or prodding, bumping or touching them, continually calling her peers names, not understanding that a best friend can play with others). Often may need more solitude than their peers or may not be able to socialize for as long as their peers are able to. Engages mainly in parallel play and seeks the company of adults/educators throughout the day.

9. Interests:  an aspiengirl’s interests is usually different to other typical girls, in its intensity and quality, rather than the actual interest itself. Often, play can be observed as more of complex set-up’s, organizing, sorting, collect or grouping items rather than actually playing with them. She may be observed re-enacting a social scene form her own experiences at daycare. A commonly observed interest is collecting stationary/art items, teddy bears, and the like. They may line up colouring pencils in colours, have collections of erasers and or journals.

10. Conventionality: Aspiengirls are born “out of the box” and may be observed playing unconventionally. Some prefer Lego, the sandpit, trucks or cars or dinosaurs. Many think in different or unconventional ways, asking continual and exhausting amount of questions pertaining to how things work, why things are the way they are, or why people do or say certain things. Many are quite highly sensitive and will ask about death and or what happens after death.

11. Appearance and clothing: Young Aspiens may look more tomboyish in appearance or ultra princess-like, usually preferring clothing that is comfortable. She may want the tags cut out of her clothes and complain about the seams in her socks. She may prefer to wear the same outfit day in and day out.

12. Imagination: Aspiengirls often have advanced imaginations preferring to spend time involved in: fiction, books, fantasy worlds, fairies, unicorns, ponies, pegasus, talking to and/or having imaginary friends or imaginary animals. This may be observed at times to the extent that the child may believe they are an animal, a fairy, and so on. There may be some difficulty distinguishing between fantasy and reality.

13. Writing:  Aspiengirls are often interested in writing and write their own stories on sticky notes, journals, and have an interest in fiction at an early age.

14. Nature and animals:  Aspiengirls have an intense love for nature and animals, often preferring them over people. They have an empathic and intuitive relationship and understanding of animals rather than people.

15. Gifts and Talents:  Most, if not all Aspiengirls have gifts and talents ranging from singing (perfect pitch or perfect relative pitch), music, art, (drawing, painting and other mediums), languages, acting and performing, dancing, writing, a superior memory, intelligence, just to name a few.

16. Determination:  A strong will, determination, stubbornness and/or competitiveness, argumentative (with teachers, parents or other adults), a need to be right (even when she’s is clearly wrong). This may be labelled as Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

17. Facial expressions and emotions:  A discrepancy between facial expression and feelings. For example, a “fake” smile, intense facial expressions or lack of, or inappropriate facial expression to the situation. May not understand or be confused by facial expressions. May laugh when she is in trouble.

18. Attention Issues: Parents may have taken her to a hearing specialist due to not responding to her name, being “in her own world” and/or thinking she may be deaf.

19. Hyperempathy: May be very sensitive to social justice issues, abuse towards animals, nature or the elderly. May experience the emotions of others. May wonder why they feel different to others.

20. Intuitive: May tell you and/or know about events, people that cannot possible know about. She “knows” certain things without knowing how she knows these things.

21. Curiosity and Questions: May ask an endless array of questions that at times, cannot be easily answered. May ask why they feel different to their peers or why their peers are not like the, or have the same interests.

20. Interests: Interests are usually similar to neurotypical girls, but the intensity is unique or unusual. An obsession with knowledge on a topic of interest is common.

21. May have vertigo, motion sickness (for e.g., on a car trip)

22. Thumb-sucking can last until age 9, biting of nails, grinding of teeth

23. May have Developmental Co-ordination Disorder (DCD), hypermobility, clumsiness, poor muscle tone, may not be able to catch a ball or ride a bike, or poor hand-writing5

24. May have social anxiety, muteness and/or separation anxiety, may be excessively clingy and/or grind teeth.

25. May have fear and/or phobias (insects and butterflies, dark, separation from mother)

26. May have sleep issues

27. Personality:  May be intensely shy and introverted OR very extroverted to the point of annoying her peers or family members.

28. The Social Hierarchy: Misunderstands and/is unaware of the social hierarchy. May behave as if she is the parent, parenting their parents, their siblings, peers or teachers. May not understand that she is a “child” or how to “be” a child. May be isolated, alone or teased by her peers. May have a boy for a friend rather than girls. May not understand that she is a child, pretending to be an animal.

29. May avoid demands due to anxiety (also known demand avoidance or Pathological Demand Avoidance)

30. There is a family history of Asperger Syndrome, Autism, Schizophrenia, Bi-Polar Disorder, Depression, Anxiety, Broader Autism Phenotype (BAP)

31. May display interests more mature than for her age, may act at times more mature and less mature than her age.

32. A concern for the rules, a sense of justice and difficulty with perspective taking, theory of mind, social thinking and context blindness.

33. Social and emotional delay for her age, yet seen beyond her years.

34. Parents may observe some “self-taught” abilities and/or the child may resist being taught by others

35. May have less or lack a sense of “stranger danger” or safety and/or may wander and/or have social naivety, be too trusting, take others literally. A lack of boundaries

36. Some AspienGirls experience gender confusion very early, expressing a desire to be the opposite gender, not feel strongly either male or female.

37. A tendency to have intense social justice issues and to “police” others, which are often not appreciated by their peers. At times, she may have a misguided sense of justice and an inability to “let things go” or may not understand the issue is not her business

38. May be the “teacher’s pet”, may to interact with their peers not as a “peer” but in more of adult manner

39. A tendency to be too emotionally honest and unable to hide their true feelings

40. May have gastrointestinal issues, gluten, wheat, casein sensitivities to intolerances/allergies

[autism-asks]

Iiaat to not be exactly the same person to everyone? Like I feel like I show everyone what they expect to see, and different people in my life know a different version of me. I'm even able to network by adopting my "adult" persona, (but I end up really exhausted after). Is it an extreme version of passing?

What you describe is something everyone experiences to an extent. People naturally adapt to the situations they’re in and the expectations in those situations. Different people bring out different traits in you. It is common to adopt an “adult persona” or “work persona” in order to appear and remain professional.

Autistic people, on the other hand, may struggle to form a coherent sense of self in the first place. Self-esteem may be low due to feeling different, lack of social skills or rejection and we may lack an intuitive understanding of how to act in social situations. One way many autistic people deal with this is by learning the rules and mimicking what they see work in others. Without a stable sense of self or solid understanding of what they are doing, figuring out other people’s expectations and meeting them however possible can become the only way they may know how to interact with others.

As you correctly note, this is very exhausting. This goes way beyond the different personas a neurotypical person might employ. Hypothetically, the neurotypical would be able to drop the persona, be themselves and still know how to act. Their personas are used to add to their life in helpful ways - out of politeness, ease, convenience. For an autistic person, it is a survival mechanism. (And yes, this would be passing.)

-Kath