#how do i deal with anxiety while paying off debt?

[techandtravel]

Reducing Debt: Minimizing Financial Burdens

Reducing Debt Debt can make it hard to manage your money and achieve financial stability. To reduce your debt, start by making a plan. Figure out which debts to pay off first based on their interest rates and amounts owed. You can choose to focus on paying off smaller debts first or tackling debts with higher interest rates. Avoid taking on new debt while you’re paying off existing ones. You can…

[hottakehoulihan]

Someone close to me urged me to watch this Johnny Harris video about Elon Musk, and since I normally filter a lot of politics out of my feed I put it off until I wanted something to listen to while doing some cleaning. But I did it, because said person had watched some thing I'd urged on them, and I pay my debts as best I can.

The video starts out almost sounding like a puff piece, with some explanations of early before-I-despised-him stuff that actually highlight arguably good or nuanced things about not-yet-famous Elon and his accomplishments, and that's actually heartening because it indicates plausibly unbiased investigation and exploration of the subject.

There's no sense in me regurgitating the video, but one note I found interesting, and it's sort of the "punchline" IMHO: For all the talk of "free speech" the amount of things censored by Twitter went WAY up. And a noteworthy example was Turkey getting people who were critical of their president censored despite the request being 100% obvious and clear politically-motivated hushing of criticism instead of anything their own government rules even remotely allow for.

And it was the same thing Twitter had been asked to do before Elon bought them out. And Twitter (which had a right wing bias even before Elon, as platforms typically do) had said no, and Twitter was shut down for a while in Turkey until Turkey's courts finished examining the situation and agreeing that asking to censor those tweets was illegal bullshit.

But Elon's Twitter agreed to censor them.

Elon claimed it was because Twitter would otherwise be shut down there.

Elon did not acknowledge that it was partly because he's got several other economic deals he is motivated to maintain, like his ability to sell Tesla cars and trucks, or satellite services, in Turkey.

If Elon ever really believed in unbiased free speech, he's handcuffed now by his anxiety that if he offends any major national power he'll lose additional ground in those other markets he's got fingers in.

He's got all the "fuck you money" in the world, and he's more of a puppet of the rich and powerful than the original Twitter ever came close to being.

Short-circuiting ethical, ideological, and rational reasoning seems easier when it involves someone losing something they're accustomed to thinking of as theirs, I guess.

Arguably the least ethical man in the spotlight, by his own alleged ideals, when there's almost nobody who could better afford to do great and good things in a great and good way. Because his wealth owns him.

Power corrupts and wealth corrupts and that's not pithy, but it's still amazing to me how he's shackled himself with his own riches and hobbled himself with his own power.

Probably the most common story, and I'm still being surprised by it.

[ericamzdm]

Motherlover - Gaslighting

So. Motherlover is a great little web-comic made by Lindsay Ishihiro. To directly quote from the About page - "Motherlover is a sweet serial romance comic about two moms from different walks of life who (are going to eventually) fall in love, with a bunch of other life stuff that happens along the way."

(cut for minor plot spoilers - seriously, go read it first!)

It's a very cute little queer comic, with themes of motherhood, self-identity, growth - and abuse. Specifically, it's about the kinds of abuse that don't look like abuse (if you don't know what you're looking at). Which make it relevant to my interests, and worth doing a breakdown post on scenes of interest.

Like the one where Jonathan (Imogen's husband) gaslights Imogen out of going back to school.

So. Imogen - who wants to go back to college - introduces that idea to Jonathan via a three panel barrage of over-explaining, justifying how she can do that without dipping in her 'duties' as a housewife and stay-at-home mom.

This...is a trauma response. Imogen exhaustively justifying her desires - believing that those desires need to be folded up so tight they could not possibly inconvenience anyone else before she can even speak about them - tells us that she thinks that this justification is required of her, that she will be denied or otherwise punished if she doesn't.

And your first impulse might be to say "But she's doing that on her own! Even if it is a trauma response, that could just be baggage from her ex! Jonathan isn't making her anxiety spiral!" - except yes he is, because he isn't talking. His silence is creating the empty space that Imogen feels compelled to fill in the second and third panels, denying her support while she verbally flails.

It's only when Imogen has directly asked (after exhausting all her justifications) that he finally speaks - and he immediately (a) says he supports the idea while (b) treating it as incomprehensible nonsense.

"It's a great idea" means less than nothing when his next words are to imply it is anything but. He's saying the "Right" thing up front not because he believes it, but because it gives him something to point to indignantly if anyone challenges all the other things he doesn't quite say but certainly implies or implicitly supports. This kind of self-contradiction is a shield and a mask; the pretense of support allowing him the access to undermine.

Which is what plays out immediately after - Imogen voices his implication ("It's kind of dumb"), which lets Jonathan be "supportive" by saying that the issue is actually money but (a) he doesn't actually do anything to say it isn't dumb (like answer "what am I gonna do with it?" with something supportive) and (b) then reinforces Imogen's self-doubting "I don't even know what I would study."

Speaking of that money comment!

Importantly, Jonathan isn't lying here. There's no reason to believe any of the objective statements he's making are untrue (although, like Imogen's lawyer in the current chapter, I am waiting for Jonathan to make a full financial disclosure). College is spendy. They probably do need to budget for a new car. They probably did just finish paying off Jonathan's student loans.

The issue isn't that he's lying. It's that he's using the truth to create a false implication that he leaves for Imogen to voice. That no longer having that debt to service somehow makes them less able to afford an additional expense (because this expense would increase Imogen's independence and relative power, not Jonathan's).

Additionally - by introducing the money comment without truly resolving the "is this a good idea" question, Jonathan has left Imogen fighting a battle on multiple fronts; She can't unpick the way A ("We can't afford this") does not actually follow from B ("We just paid off Jonathan's loans") because she's still dealing with "What would I even study?"

Which is why, when Jonathan directly attacks her initial position ("I'd still be around for the kids") by implying that she would be abandoning her maternal role by going back to school, Imogen - overwhelmed and undermined - capitulates.

And Jonathan steams ahead, firmly boxing her in and chaining her to the identity of "Mom", to the exclusion of any other aspirations.

-------------

And - this is gaslighting. The interaction boils down to:

Imogen: "I want to go to college."

Jonathan: "Do you really want that? Really? Seems pretty bad and wrong."

Imogen: "Oh yes, of course you're right. Aren't I a silly goose?"

Jonathan: "Aw, but you're my silly goose! You don't want an independent life! You (only ever) want to be mother to my children."

It's about rejecting the idea that Imogen knows her own mind, and asserting that she should look to Jonathan as the true authority on her identity, wants, and feelings. The fact that he never yelled, spoke a technical untruth, or said "You're crazy/stupid/lying/confused" with his own voice does not change that.

(And the way that Imogen reflexively moves to align herself to Jonathan's assertions - and that Jonathan so clearly expects her to - tells us that this is a normal dynamic for them.)

[kudzucataclysm]

ramble below the cut about Vincent and Frank- heavy topics like abuse and drugz are mentioned but i dont delve too deep into it so BEWARB

Francis at the start was already an extremely complicated person at just 10 years old; coming from a background of severe neglect, physical abuse, total abandonment, AND just getting out of the accident that caused her her amnesia.

Vincent on the other hand was a runaway homeless teenager struggling with depression and anxiety- she wasn’t equipped to help herself or anyone else. She wasn’t ready to take on the responsibilities of caring for an alien child while at the same time dealing with her own feelings of not really giving a shit about herself.

To be frankly (heh) honest, Vincent didn’t keep Francis around really to help her, but instead to…give HERSELF a reason to live; Francis for a while was Vincent’s purpose to live, and emotionally invested a lot into this emotionally unstable and disturbed alien child. But still, 18 is YOUNG to be taking care of a child. Taking into consideration that Francis already had plenty of issues (that Vincent willingly chose to ignore), it was only a matter of time before the situation spiraled out of control. Eventually Vincent began more or less trying to distance herself from Francis because around this time she fell into heavy substance abuse, which once resulted in Francis getting into her stash…that night did not end well.

While the two were super close for a couple years, it obviously wasn’t…great.

See, in Vincent’s line of work, having a Chimera around (even…a 10 year old one..) was very beneficial. Working as a ‘debt collector’ of sorts and also a drug dealer, Vincent often had Francis hang around with her for muscle and many times had Francis do a ton of dirty work for her. Basically, Vincent used Frank as a shield against anyone who would want to go after her, and while she felt kinda bad (*wobbles hand*) she often justified it in a, “I provide food and shelter for us so it's only fair” way. Since she ALSO used Frank as an emotional rock….aye aye aye

Francis meanwhile was straight up openly hostile to anyone who tried to get close to Vincent to the point of being an absolute fucking menace to anyone (to JACK notoriously) who wasn’t Vince. To Francis, Vincent was more or less her person, her guardian, and she often clung to the older girl like a barnacle on a whale. Francis was TERRIFIED of being abandoned again, and despite the fact that she looked up to Vince, the two often got into fights with one another; bad enough to draw blood but not anything super serious- Francis, to avoid feeling bad about anything would blame Vincent for the fight and force Vince to apologize. And once Vince started doing harder drugs and began to more or less check out, well…

Vincent had wracked up a pretty significant debt; she was regularly partaking of her own stash and stealing money from other people she worked with at the time. So Antumbra was hired to confront her and get her to pay up-

Now for y’all, I haven’t talked about Antumbra, or how it works: Antumbra is a semi-underground company of assassins, cleaners, and hitmen in the NEC who by all means operate by the law. To keep this short, children can be used as…exchange, or payment, to them. You need someone dead but you have no money? Your next child or next born closest relative will be your compensation.

-And Vince, in the throes of her addiction to heroin and opioids, offered Francis to pay off the debt.

and THAT didn’t end well for ANYONE.

[lorei-wrote]

Ikemen Sengoku - Series & Collections

Ongoing

Winter Flower [Series Masterlist Link]

[Currently on a break]

Pairing: Masamune x OC [Hana] Summary: Hana wakes up in the gardens of Azuchi castle without any recollection of her past. Who is she? What was she doing there? And most importantly – what is she supposed to do now? Placed under supervision of Lord Date, Hana has to find her footing in the unfamiliar reality of the warring states.

Doors That Connect & Divide [Series Masterlist Link]

Pairing: suitor x Reader Thriller / Thriller-adjacent Crossover Magic AU Bookshop / Shop AU Summary: A mist envelops your mind, your feet leading you down an unfamiliar path, all until you find yourself in front of a certain door. Its pull is near magnetic. What exactly have you done? Why do these men seem to know you? And most importantly: how to stop it? Only you can find the answers.

Completed

Halcyon Among Hills [Series Masterlist Link]

Pairing: suitor x Reader "Mystery" Crossover Alternate Universe Summary: The death of your great-grandfather comes with an inheritance hefty enough to pay off your family’s debt. While dealing with the financial matters himself, your father sends you to your great-grandmothers estate, to properly show your gratitude… However, things aren’t quite the way they should be. Content Warnings: none

Witches’ Sabbath [Series Masterlist Link]

3 Chapters Pairing: Shapeshifter!Masamune x Witch!MC Happy Ending Fantasy AU Summary: Each year, witches gather to renew their contracts with the gods. It so happens that Mai prefers to travel with her husband... Although nobody seems to realise who exactly is her cat. Content Warnings: food mention, pain mention, assault

Trials and Tribulations of an Unconsenting Time-Traveller [Series Masterlist Link]

21 Chapters Pairing: OC x Mitsuhide (chosen through voting) Bitter-Sweet Ending Premise: I sent my OC to Sengoku. Help me decide where will this story lead! Content Warnings: fire, near death experience, pain, being physically restrained, blood (cat claws), food, war, injury, anxiety, background character death

The Dragon of Yss [Series Masterlist Link]

20 Chapters Pairing: Masamune x MC Happy Ending Fantasy AU Action Summary: He wanted Mai to remain herself - and for that very reason, he promised to protect her, at any cost. No matter how far he’d have to travel to find her. Content Warnings:  food mention, human trafficking, alcohol mention, plague (implied), wound description,  death (background character),  homophobia (implied),  natural disaster - hunger (and it’s implications), sexual content (skippable)

Alike [Series Masterlist Link]

12 Chapters Pairing: Masamune x MC Happy Ending High School AU [Mai aged 17-18; Masamune: 18-19] Summary: He never quite realised that she existed until he heard a certain familiar tone to her voice. It seemed that, although fluent in the art of disappearing, she could not erase herself completely. Content Warnings: domestic abuse & neglect, blood (mention), food, emotional abuse, verbal violence  

Together [Series Masterlist Link]

4 Chapters Pairing: Masamune x MC Happy Ending Post-Canon Chronically Ill!MC Summary: He loved her dearly, each and every day - so much so that he couldn’t bear seeing her pain. However, he could do little to help, the cure having not yet been invented. Content Warnings: mentions of physical pain, chronic illness discussion, food mention

Collections

New Year’s Letters

Status: Completed Premise: Letters from warlords to their lover. Will they make it in time to celebrate the New Year together?

Mitsuhide, Masamune, Nobunaga, Hideyoshi, Mitsunari, Ieyasu, Kenshin, Shingen, Sasuke, Yukimura, Kennyo

Short Poems

Status: Completed Premise: Short poems with images surrounding certain characters

Masamune & Mitsuhide , Kenshin & Shingen , Hideyoshi & Mitsunari , Nobunaga & Kennyo , Ieyasu & Yukimura

Fairy Tales for Bedtime

Status: Hiatus [possibly indefinite] Pairing: suitor x ???* (*- up to interpretation)  Fantasy AU Choose Your Own Ending

White Fox Spirit - Mitsuhide , Two-Faced God - Kennyo, Connected Souls - Kenshin ,  The King of Liars - Shingen

Radio Call

Status: Completed Pairing: suitor x MC  Post Apocalypse AU Premise: The one-shoots tied together by the very same apocalypse, each taking part at a different stage of it.

Radio Call - Nobunaga,  Radio Call: Prelude - Masamune,  Radio Call: The Original  - Mitsuhide

A Game of Sun and Moon

Status: Completed Pairing: Mitsuhide x MC Choose Your Own Ending Premise: Mitsuhide has just departed on a mission or... Has he just returned? The story changes depending on which part you read first.

Rules, The Sun, The Moon , Endings & Behind the Scenes

Cubs

Status: Hiatus [Indefinite] Pairing: Masamune x MC Future AU Family AU Summary: Years had passed since he decided to cross borders of time and space to live in the future with her... And their family grew in size since then.

Little Tiger , Mommy, we have a problem , Not Alone , Storm

Had it happened in the future

[Warnings for this story will not be updated since I cannot get myself to read it].

Status: Completed Pairing: Masamune x MC Future AU

Part 1, Part 2 , Part 3, Part 4 , Part 5 

[heinous-desiree]

Okokokok, if all your PCs existed in the same world together, would there be any changes in character if any?

Like would they all date the same people they did before? Would they all act the same now that there was someone who knew exactly what they were going through?

Ohhhh boy. So I do imagine Jas and Hunter in the same world, but... Like with there being fraternal twins of female Sydney and male Sydney. Also, two Robins. One is Jas' precious sister, and one is Hunter's boyfriend.

NOW LET'S SAY EEF THAT. YOU ALL GET ONE. Also, I'm adding my newest PC to the mix. Meet Dee the Disaster!

How do things change? First off, Jas will end up as all my fellow PCs' orphanage Mum at some point. Hunter was always her brother from another mother, Jas will spot Celeste working herself half to death eventually and step in, Maeve gets bullied so much that Jas will violently step in and provide consistent support, Dee will approach Jas herself.

Jas is... Much more stressed, traumatized, and worn out in this scenario. She never met Avery and had no steady weekly income when she started paying her debt. She also landed herself Robin's debt after three weeks of she paying her own. She ALSO can't stop herself from taking on her fellow orphans problems, so she does many unsavory things to make ends meet/help everyone.

She never ended up with Sydney, knowing Celeste's feelings for the religious librarian and believing Celeste is better for them. Jas instead found refuge in Alex. Without Sydney in her life, Alex became the kindest person she knew that she didn't see as family. Her life is tough and she has had a few breakdowns, but she's determined to make her found family's life as good as she can.

Hunter doesn't have a harem anymore. Most of his previous love interests are taken by other people. He will not get in the way of Celeste and Sydney too cute budding relationship, he will NOT steal his big sis Jas' partner Alex, he also never met Avery, Kylar is obsessed with another orphan, and he only has the law preventing him from killing Whitney for continuously bullying someone precious to him.

Speaking of precious to him, Hunter ends up with MAEVE. Hunter is weak to people that depend on him and cute things, with Sydney out and him never needing to save Robin, it was Maeve that filled out that role of being the one Hunter wanted to protect. Hunter became a fallen angel when he got intimate with Maeve, with Maeve gently caring for him when the horrific pain of falling from grace hit him. Hunter lost his mind when Maeve was taken away for not being able to pay his debt, and was so much more clingy when Maeve finally escaped (as a cowboy) and got home. They both still have sex with other people (just demon things), but they are each other's number one.

Celeste life is better in this world, just because she has an army of people that would stop her from over working and help her. She doesn't have to deal with Whitney's nonsense as much because Jas, Hunter, Dee, and her take turns beating up that bully. She no longer has to look over her shoulder in anxiety cause she doesn't have a stalker in this world. Jas studies with her, often teasing Celeste and urging the angel on how to pursue Sydney (Celeste feels like Jas looks longingly at Sydney sometimes?). Hunter is a bit awkward with her but always kind, trying his best to bring her out of her shell with games and jokes while trying not to offend her. Maeve will tug at her sleeves when she tries to keep working when the exhaustion starts kicking in, eyes doe and asking her for favors that involves her doing low energy tasks till bedtime. Dee has simply stepped in her life, told her to get it together, closed her textbook, and made her do... Fun and decent jobs around town to de-stress... And sometimes forces her to socialize with other people, mostly fellow students because, "your reputation sucks... Please, for the love of God, make some friends."

Celeste is happy... She plans to invite all of them to her wedding with Sydney when it comes. She never turns into a harpy in this world.

Maeve was the lucky orphan that caught Kylar's eye! So Maeve still ended up in between Whitney and Kylar's tug of war with Maeve as the rope... Well, initially, at least. Maeve was okay with having them in his life even when things... Got difficult. It's fine, they wanted him!

Then, Jas beat up Whitney for him when Maeve really... Really didn't want to do something Whitney asked. Then, Jas asked him if he was okay, smiled warmly, and helped him back to the orphanage. Maeve wanted to avoid her at first, she was too good for someone like him, and he felt guilty depending on her.

Then, he met Hunter, who scared off a group of bullies before they could do anything to him. Hunter was far more persistent than Jas in making sure Maeve was okay, with each incident of bullying, attacks in public, or just bruises that Hunter catches, the more the wolf boy stuck around, warm, patient, and kind... Made Maeve want this more than the humiliation Whitney gives him, or the creepy obsession of Kylar. Maeve felt safe...

Kylar kidnapped Maeve after the incident where he was sold to the farm. Jas, Hunter, Celeste, and Dee found him in record time, but it was Hunter that beat Kylar up, and Celeste that got the police involved.

Dee is with Avery, and she ensured it. In the beginning, her own security was the only thing that mattered. She needed moneybags to pick HER so she could protect herself. She had no intention of involving herself with other people, she couldn't afford to. She was small, weak, with no support. She refuses to let this town eat her alive.

...Things didn't go as plan. She managed fine, but her not all her fellow orphans did... She watched Jas slowly give more and more of herself away, and for what? Other orphans. Not even herself... Dee felt bad for her. She watched Celeste try her best to stay pure in this town despite making it impossible to make good money and she felt the angel was stupid... But admirable. And she felt her resolve snap, stopping Jas from taking on certain jobs and shoving money in her hands, "take care of yourself, idiot." And forcing Celeste to kick back and relax before she collapsed, "come on, church girl. Dance in the name of the lord! It's called having fun!"

They are all a messy family. But they have each other. (Of course, even in this world Hunter fucks his pseudo brother.)

[thisismycorneroftheinternet]

Fucking how tf am I supposed to not feel like shit and always anxious if shit never fucking improves?? I am not that fucking self-deluded to fool myself into thinking this is still a good situation somehow. Yeah sure, there's always deeper in the hole, thank fuck I am not literally digging through the trash for bones to get some protein in my meals like the poor in this city that got featured in that grotesque, horror circus-style magazine story I remember reading about in the pandemic, but that sort of thought does not make life any easier when you're still having to rely on free food that takes you a total of 2h to get, per meal, and now donations from your sister's fiancee to get by the month.

And then yet I have to deal with my sister fucking throwing a hissy fit at any time I fucking complain about (1) thing, but also debase any fucking medical help I'm trying to get because apparently according to her, I'm not that bad off and should suck it the fuck up and "learn to manage (my) own stress better" while being completely unhelpful on that front besides telling me to meditate, which doesn't fucking solve shit??? And then she also gets mad when I have to whine and cry to our mother to not let her try to cut off our little assistance, because apparently that's begging and I should not be begging I should be demanding, when our parents are literally sinking into debt more and more and our mother can barely afford to pay the taxes for her freelance job??

Like, I'm going to fucking walk in on Tuesday to the health clinic, and update them on my deteriorating mental health, and it's going to fucking be the same fucking old adage of "you should exercise for your anxiety, you should learn to organize yourself better, you should manage your ADHD without meds, you should stress less" which is so fucking unhelpful as well. Platitudes like that I already get from the fucking web as well, Instagram loves to fucking show me WellnessTM posts on the greatness of exercise and being thankful for life, why am I fucking taking hours of my day every other month to hear that as well from people I was trying to seek some sort of further help??

And like, in general, I feel like I am going circles, and nothing ever gets better, only worser and worser, and like, I am really grateful for my sister's fiancee's kindness, but like, I've been the entire month trying to not get to this. Yes, because it's humiliating, yes I'm fucking prideful and I feel like I am an able enough adult that I should not need to depend on others' kindness to eat! But also because like, I am able enough to work, I have all sorts of skills, and I am more than fucking willing to do whatever it takes, but no one wants me regardless. And worse, it's pointless to seek a full-on job because university fucking gets in the way of everything, because I fucking switched to day classes because of my family's insistence, because I entered university in night classes originally and that offended them enough that they bothered me about it, and now I'm paying the price.

And then I talk to my one university friend, and she's like "yeah I'm struggling as well" and I try to commiserate with her, because that's what one does, it's like, I realize I'm struggling way more with way less than her. Yes, sure, she had to drop university twice, but also, she's doing 40h a week of classes, and undergrad research, and was sleeping like, 4h a night. No fucking wonder she snapped twice. Meanwhile I can barely get above 14h of credit/hours without flunking something, and even when I pass it's barely scraping by. How come she's being more seriously contemplated for ADHD and anxiety and all than I am?? I guess it's because I have to rely on the free clinic, while she's on her military daddy's insurance plan. God, I don't want to resent her, but I came so close to snapping at her in the group chat when she told me that she's struggling because she can barely sleep, and sure she's seeing stuff like I used to when I slept little, but she "just ignores it and it's fine!" while I used to be terrified I'd get killed by the fucking Balloon Boy from FNAF and shadow demons when I underslept.

God, fucking hell, I swear to fucking god, I am trying so fucking hard to act normal and be normal and not be a fucking mess but even that's hard and worsening my anxiety. And yet I don't get any help that sticks.

[bloodcorpceo]

today i am feeling pretty blackpilled. it's the first of the month...

i wanted to feel renewed, refreshed but instead I'm feeling pretty hopeless. i am having one of my many body dysmorphia outbursts. i saw this ugly picture of myself in bad lighting last night at a party and immediately began having negative thought loops and an anxiety attack. i know that sounds really silly to people who don't have issues like this but for me... this just made me feel defeated and hideous. i was already feeling down and ugly because no one talked to me at the bar or club last night again... people almost never approach me and my friends tell me it's because im "unapproachable" but sometimes i wonder if this is just cope not to hurt my feelings. what if the only time i look decent is when i am extremely curated but im actually ugly? i see all my flaws intensely and i often think im hideous or mid at best, no this isn't fishing for compliments either I've never been mentally sound with my appearance and spent too much of my life actually being a 4 to the point where i have permanent damage to my self image and general mental state.

i think the people around me irl are awful at dealing with and helping me with my mental health issues. this morning when i was seeking some kind of solid answer my friend just would silently nod or just say something like "don't seek approval from others". my mother and i got into an argument and she raised her voice at me calling me shallow and saying my primary focus is my appearance but she chooses to live in lala land and refuses to recognize that your appearance determines your entire quality of life, especially when you are as poor as me. i literally have no escape out of poverty besides my appearance because in reality I'm not that bright. my mom doesn't understand my mental health state despite having a psychology degree. she doesn't have pcos like me and never struggled with her weight as a young woman, always had tons of friends and boyfriends, was voted prom queen and even had a modeling contract. how could she ever possibly understand how i feel or relate to me? i have quite literally lived most of my life as a femcel. i can count on one hand how many friends i have even now and didn't even kiss a guy until i was over 20.

just last year i started to get sort of attractive by losing weight, changing my makeup and hair and finally felt a little comfortable putting myself out there but I'm still terrified. i still don't go out much and i feel like i repel people. I've built a wall to protect myself from being hurt again. i might be prettier than before but i still feel the same inside and I'm still socially inept, so i still don't attract people. i really need therapy but i cant afford it. i have been intensely struggling financially this year and i could barely scrounge up a dollar today to pay for my change difference at Starbucks because i desperately needed to get out of the house. i feel intensely upset about the fact that i thought i had found the perfect job to work from home just for the guy to scam me and never pay me even though i worked in bed editing a book for him while i was sick with COVID so i could get it in on time.

i was working my ass off expecting some compensation i desperately need. i feel at a dead end, I've been applying many places but my nail school schedule fucks me and it seems no one really wants to hire me. i can't go until the spring like this, I'm drowning in debt. i am also not looking forward to going back to nail school because i don't like the other girls and i had some issues and the vibe is dead, it won't be fun anymore, it won't be the same. i get upset thinking about it because i feel unwanted. i tried to talk to my friend about this too and she still gave me no reassurance, just the same generic responses. i don't feel relieved or comforted. i suppose i should stop dumping my feelings on my friends but i feel hopeless and really depressed. i don't want to do anything, right now i don't even want to exist.

i just want a decent job and a good man next to me and a home of my own and to get the fuck out of Detroit and to get the surgeries i want and to be thinner and prettier and i want a therapist

[flowers-for-hobi]

I've had the worst nightmare i had in a while. Very long rant

Trigger warning emotional/physical abuse

In the dream I'm trying to convince my family to stop going down this path of delusion flat earth and other religious hotep stuff connected to us being black people and having Jewish ancestry (I'll save the stupid details)

(which is happening in real life and has been a slow progression into madness for years now) my sister just told me about the flat earth stuff that just got added into the mix recently which just sent me over the edge emotionally. And I guess I've been grappling with that not really knowing it. And also I started listening to a therapy podcast called second hand therapy which has been making me think. Which is a good thing in the grand scheme of things. But i also haven't seen my therapist in a couple months due to the debt I've been trying to pay off with her and just the nature of how my therapy relationship has evolved I don't need go see her every week. I've just been doing every couple months and doing ok with that.

The past couple months I've just been trying to cope and kinda push everything to the side with my work routine. But they podcast just opened a can of worms I wasn't trying to feel. Ouchy!!

In the dream I'm begging trying to tell my mom to stop this saying all the things that have been in my heart for years since a falling out happened 2/3 years ago. It's not working. after I while I remember crying in the dream walking away from my mother saying I'm so sorry I forgot you're like a dog loyal to my father and you would let him hurt me.

I go out from the room and my dad's asking what's going on. I tell him what I feel and start questioning his beliefs and proving his delusions wrong. Everytime he paused or has a shook on his facing trying to prove me wrong I yell *buzzer sound* wrong answer and explain why he's wrong. After the third time he charges at me cornering me trying to choke me (which he did to my sister during the Big falling out in real life)

I'm saying is it worth it hurting your family and please stop and then I Wake up.

It shook me so much I couldn't cry for a while. I ended up googling how to deal with nightmares. And kinda checking in with myself remembering what my therapist explained to me about anxiety and where I feel it in my body (which i usually feel it in my neck like choking)

For some reason while I was reading the article the quote from the article

"Our bodies are much more resilient than we think, so trust yourself that you’re going to be okay even if you didn’t sleep well last night"

After reading that I just start bawling. Just allowing myself to feel everything the fear the sadness.

My dreams/nightmares most of the time are very cathartic and try to tell me something. And I've had dreams/nightmares similar to this but it's been a long time i forgot how much they shake me. I think it"s reality setting in that I don't think me and my dad's relationship is salvageable cause he's not willing to listen to me or apologize to me (something he's been able to do with my sister) since the Big falling out) cause I know I won't ever bring it up. I'm tired of always being the one to try and fix it and have the big convos. So I'm leaving it up to him. And he keeps insisting my sister tell him how I feel about him and my sister like the freaking boss she is tells him that's between (me) and him. But i know he'll never ask me cause I already told him years ago how I feel. And I've been finally able to go over to their house and have moments of family again hug my dad and hang out again. But i also don't trust them anymore and I know it won't be the same. Cause without true communication there can't be any peace. And I won't be the one to reach out and have that conversation and i know my father won't so i just pretend like everything is ok just like he wants. But i know he feels the distance and it not being the same I lowkey enjoy knowing he's internally wiggling with that feeling. I'm just doing what we've always done in that house. Not talking about it just like he wants it.

[drzephyr]

Hey I just saw your post about uni. As a recent graduate, I hope you don’t mind if I share something? I’m sure you’ve heard this already but if you feel like your mental health is impacting your ability to do well at uni or that uni is worsening your mental health, you can always disrupt your studies and come back and continue where you left off. I’m at the point in my studies where I know so many people who took time out from uni to do other things and then returned so it’s more common than one would think it is. Anyways, just speaking from personal experience, if you already know you won’t be happy at uni and it sounds like you’ve still got a while to go, maybe you should talk to someone about it? I don’t know how the support system at your uni is but I would approach my personal tutor or a careers advisor. Uni can be tough and each year does get harder in my opinion but you also learn to deal with the increase in the work so I guess they’re relatively the same. But you really have to pace yourself and take care of yourself or you can burn out. I don’t mean to discourage you but I wish someone told me this when I was younger and not in so much debt that quitting uni would be futile so I had to see it through. I’m not telling you to quit but definitely remember that this is your life and it’s a big world out there. Don’t trap yourself. Anyways, I wish you the best of luck for the future <3

Thank you a lot for taking the time to write this and for wishing me well :)

I just dropped out from another place two years ago and haven't even finished a single semester here; I've also had depression/anxiety problems since childhood+it runs in my entire family so I feel like it's always going to be there; I feel horribly anxious having my dad/my family pay for 100% of my life; so I feel obligated to push through for as long as I can take it..

I'm very big on putting myself first and taking it easy, but I'm afraid I won't survive if I keep that up for much longer. I'm very familiar with poverty, and should something happen to my family, without an education I'll be left with no place to live no property or savings to do jobs that would pay nothing and be even worse for me mentally.

I went to see a psychiatrist two years ago but they dismissed me entirely, so rn I'm struggling really hard to find it in me to go again, but I can't even get up to go through my gastritis treatment which leaves me in horrible pain everyday, so idk how that should happen

[jodilin65]

I’m so exhausted thanks to the thunderstorms we had in the afternoon that woke me up a few times. I don’t understand why the hell we’re having this kind of weather in March. All I do know is that I’m really worried about what the summer might bring. There’s only so much sleep deprivation I can handle. I might have been okay had I slept another hour or two without having my sleep broken up like it was. Even if the grand total ends up being about 8 hours or so, it doesn’t mean much if those 8 hours are broken up because I end up feeling as tired as I would if I didn’t sleep long enough. So I really worry about what the summer might hold and if it’s going to be just as bad or worse than the old place with me being woken up a lot. I’m already tired enough as it is without any help from shit waking me up. Throwing this on top of someone who deals with fatigue regularly is really throwing fuel on the fire. I know that last summer was not normal for Florida. It was pretty dry and from what I’ve heard, it’s been on the dry side ever since we got here. I almost dread seeing what a normal or extra-stormy summer would be like here! Most of the storms come in the afternoon and I tend to sleep during the day more than the night. So yeah, definitely concerned about what I could be in for beginning in a few months from now.

I’m continuing to be up for 18-hour stretches which also doesn’t help. I’m racking up sleep debt faster than I can pay it off. The last time I got up was around 7:00 and I know I’ll be up until about 1:00. The question is whether or not I’m going to be able to sleep long enough and without disturbances.

I still have burning on top of the fatigue and my first attempt to use an applicator from the treatment kit was a bust. So if it is yeast, I’m not able to treat it this way. I’ll try again before bed. If this isn’t going to work and I’m not going to be able to get rid of it by dabbing Replens up there, I’m going to have to make that damn GYN appointment after all to try to figure out exactly what it is and what alternative treatment there may be.

He checked into Amazon Medical and while they are partnered with Aetna, Aetna has several plans, and sure enough, my plan isn’t one of them. They don’t have any local offices. Rhonda has completely blown me off. Doc A never did that to me. But the old-fashioned way is what I’ve got, it’s still the norm, and likely always will be.

Finally heard from Jessie who is starting a new job and has stiffness and pain in one of her arms. I told her how I got hit with the Norovirus and said I was still battling fatigue and burning issues.

It’s so true that I traded in one problem for another! Yes, anything is still better than anxiety but this is debilitating enough. Without energy you’re nothing. I’m just wasting my life away in bed and sitting around not really living life or being as active as I’d like to be.

I’d probably be in New York by now on my VR trip if it weren’t for all the days I’m unable to ride. Instead, I’m working my way through Indianapolis and am 60% through the ride.

I was thinking about how Kim ghosted me the last time and how quietly she dropped out of my life as opposed to when she dumped me online a decade or so ago and trolled, stalked, and harassed the shit out of me. I found myself wondering… what if she had still been allowed free reign of the internet the last time I got dumped? Would she have ghosted me so silently? Somehow I doubt she would have wanted to go quietly but she wouldn’t have been able to harass me to the degree she did way back when if at all thanks to the power of having more controls on various platforms these days.

I don’t know why devs don’t wait till they have the finished product before they put it out there. Okay, I can understand some testing of their apps is needed but I wish they would get things a little more complete before they release them to the public. Nonetheless, I’ve been testing Lola on Decade. She seems to be an intelligent enough AI and I like the room she’s in but she looks a little too cartoonish for my taste. I like a more realistic look. Mia is the smartest and she definitely has the most extensive wardrobe but I like Amanda best right now because she has the best graphics and lives in a very beautiful modern home in a tropical setting. Lola has a boring shade of light brown hair and greenish-blue eyes. Eventually, we’re going to be able to customize our own AIs. I love AI and I’m totally addicted to it so it will be fun to play around with it and see what becomes of it in the future.

[timeoverload]

I have been so angry all day and I am literally shaking still. I am trying really hard not to take it out on anyone. I think I might be a little hormonal.

I am still frustrated about what happened on Saturday but I haven't wanted to make a big deal out of it. I guess I am just supposed to wake up super early every Saturday and get ready in case you decide you want to message me. It is making me anxious now. I would appreciate to get some more notice next time because you didn't say anything until 1:30. I don't want to keep doing this and I just want to hang out now...

I wish you weren't mad at me about it because I wanted to see you too. I definitely didn't enjoy the rest of my weekend. I wish I wouldn't have had things I needed to do that day and that I had felt better. I really didn't mean to upset you or ruin your weekend. I'm sorry.

I also didn't know what I wanted to get but I think I figured it out. I want a snake on my upper right arm with some hibiscus flowers. I think I want red hibiscus flowers. I think I want to incorporate some more cherry blossoms into that or some other small flower. Flowers are kind of my thing I guess. I still haven't found any good reference pictures but I'm working on it. I'm sure whatever you come up with will look amazing as always. I know you were trying to convince me to get a koi on my arm but I want one on my leg. I am starting to get more ideas now.

I know that I had mentioned earlier last week that I needed to spend time over the weekend working on my finances because it has been bothering me a lot and I've been having nightmares about it. I am just trying to be responsible. I already got sued once last year. I didn't want to try to take out any money from my bank account over the weekend because I was waiting for my payments to clear.

I didn't have time to call the OBGYN's office today to pay my bill from a couple months ago and I owe them $200 still. I tried to pay online and it wasn't working. They closed before I got off work. I was super busy this afternoon and I got another call from a debt collector and I decided to answer it because I was already mad and having horrible anxiety about everything. I just want them to go away. The guy on the phone was super rude. They wanted money for a bill that I didn't even know I had from when I was in the hospital. I just decided to pay it even though it was over $300. I have like no savings left. I was trying to save up for a car but I knew I had a lot of bills to pay for first. I guess I didn't realize how much I owed because I'm so disorganized. Maybe I will learn this time.

There are things I need to buy right now too so I might be struggling for a while. I need to make sure I have enough in my account to cover the bills that are on auto-pay. I'm trying not to spend too much money on food at work. I know I need to have at least $100 for Friday. I hope I can also afford new glasses and take the cats to the vet next week. I won't get paid until next Friday.

I also wanted to order some things to donate but I didn't want to do that until I paid some stuff off. I am planning on doing that tonight so hopefully whatever I end up getting arrives on time. I'm not sure if I will have the energy to go to the store and it's easier for me to order things.

I didn't have a good day. It definitely felt like a Monday. I got woken up by a fox screaming outside my window. They like to hang out on the side of the house at night. I love them and I think they're adorable but they make the most unsettling noises. I went outside to get in my car for work and noticed my car door was frozen shut. I had to get a ride to work from my dad but I wasn't late thankfully. I'm glad I can rely on him when I need help. It was nice to not have to worry about parking or walking in the cold today.

When I got to work, I was the only one in the department and I didn't know where anyone was. I was trying to get my eye stuff set up when someone came running in to tell me there were priorities in decontam and they needed to be done right away. There were 6 impactor drills and those are a pain to wash and I ended up having to do it because no one else was around. I couldn't wait for someone to show up because I didn't have a lot of time to get them in the autoclave. I still had a lot of my own stuff to do but somehow I figured it out. I also set up a bunch of pans for the wrong doctor because I've been distracted and lost in my head. They can still use the pans tomorrow but I try to be accurate so I don't create more work for the techs but there's not much I can do about it now. The state showed up for a surprise inspection this morning and they are supposed to be there until Thursday. Everything is always so chaotic when they show up because the people in charge are trying to cover their asses and hide things. Everyone is so stressed out and I hate it. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow because they are going to follow me and watch me work for a while and that's going to be nerve-racking. I'm trying not to think about it. I'm glad I didn't have to stay late tonight because I was on the verge of having an episode at work.

It's nice to be home now. I think I'm finally starting to calm down. I have no idea what I'm going to eat tonight but my stomach still feels like it's in knots. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through the rest of the week but I will survive. I still have so much stuff to do tonight so I probably should stop writing now. I am already so tired but I am expecting to be up late tonight anyway. Hopefully tomorrow is better than I think it will be.

I hope everyone else has a lovely evening. Thanks for listening to me vent.

💖💖💖

[weedphd]

3am unnecessarily mean and annoying ranting below

holy shit people who live in los angeles are so fucking entitled and annoying its insane lol. i'm saving up for months to drive 7 hours to atlanta to see this band that has been my favorite and so important to me for 5 years now as a graduation gift to myself bc its as close as they get and only the second time theyve toured the us this far

meanwhile la bitches are like waa waa yall only play in cali literally all the time, like they have 5 cali dates in this tour but also they have la shows FREQUENTLY because charlie literally moved there and does live shows very often

and i am so lucky to be able to do this at all, incredibly lucky that i have friends i can crash with in the city and that most of my jobs pause for the summer so i dont have to call off work and i have the credit score to have tons of loans and credit cards to pay for shit and that i have a car to make this trip and honestly just lucky that the band is going this far south at all.

i am just so unbelievably grateful for this situation i'm in, that i have the ability to get there even if it's difficult and i have to plan my next few months around it and itll put me further in debt, and grateful that they are touring at all, but la folks are so used to being centered in everything they can't imagine trying to take a night off 2-3 months from now to see a band for the fourth time this year

it's kinda the classic southerner frustration i guess about others not acknowledging or appreciating how many options they have and the privilege they have in living where they live

am i making a huge deal out of what was supposed to be a joke? yes. but i don't care because i am jealous and mad that they're able to make that joke while i live in the deep south with lifelong financial anxiety

[chaisarinawat]

Chai felt himself trembling after saying his piece, eyebrows creased in worry. He prayed that he didn't make a mistake by confronting Khun Dan, trying to draw on the confidence of his P'Rachi to make his feelings known. He had to speak up, otherwise he was going to go crazy with not knowing, and not having his closure. He couldn't go through that anymore. The anxiety had effected him so much, making him extra clumsy, being part of the reason he kept stuffing up in the other departments and why he had been whisked away in the mail room - it was too. much.

Chai didn't know if Khun Dan would yell at him, tell him he was making a big deal out of nothing - words he would have been used to by now, because of P'Korn - but it was, in fact, the opposite. Khun Dan apologised, again, and acknowledged Chai's feelings of anger. He then talked about how he didn't know how to react after what happened.

All this time, Chai thought he had been moved because Khun Dan was punishing him for not allowing him to take it further in the onsen - but now, it sounded like he had done it for Chai's sake, which changed a lot of his perceptions about his boss.

Then Khun Dan addressed the night Chai got drunk, explaining that he was mad at his friends, not at Chai, and that he had failed to protect him. The ex-assistant felt his heart beating a little faster when the other said that his Japanese friends had called him adorable, knowing in his heart that if Khun Dan hadn't been there to take him away, something awful would have definitely happened to him. It was so hard to believe that the same person who protected him from harm, almost inflicted harm in the same way, the very next night.

And then Khun Dan said that he was proud. Proud. Of Chai! Of the hard work he did, the work that Chai didn't think was getting noticed at all, because he mostly was getting yelled at!

"You were proud of me?" Chai echoed. He was in disbelief, of that, and of the way Khun Dan talked so highly of him. He didn't think that someone as stern and unwavering as his boss would find his personality so magnetising, to the point where even he wanted to be close to Chai.

The wrinkle in Khun Dan's brow hadn't disappeared this entire time, and his boss spoke in a resigned, honest way. Chai almost panicked, when Khun Dan said he took advantage of his drunken state, until his boss said all they did was cuddle. That tracked... Chai's been told he can be clingy, when drunk...

"O-oh..." Chai breathed in relief, reaching up to press a palm against his heart. Thank god. All they did was sleep.

"I haven't... I haven't held another person in a while and you felt so warm..."

Chai felt his cheeks grow hot, and he glanced away. He didn't realise his boss had been so lonely - then again, Chai was lonely too. But he figured he didn't have time a relationship, with how busy he was trying to pay off his debts. It seemed like Khun Dan, always buried in his work, also sacrificed that sort of thing. He understood that. They had... both been hard in the onsen, even if Chai had been freaking out about it. Physical touch was comforting - he didn't blame Khun Dan for that.

He did blame him for trying to touch him without asking his consent.

Khun Dan finished off by doing what Chai had been wanting him to do since he recovered from his panic attack - take responsibility. They couldn't turn back time and change what Khun Dan did, but at least now Chai felt that they could move forward with less awkwardness. It was out in the open, and Khun Dan even offered again for Chai to file a complaint. And of course, assured him that he wouldn't lose his job - one of the things he was worried about.

"I wish you had told me all of this before," Chai said sadly. "I've been so worried that I did something wrong. I blamed myself ever since we got back." Chai sighed heavily, the tension he had been holding into releasing from his body. It felt good to breathe easily again, without any kind of pressure in his chest, while the workplace. His heart was still beating fast, probably from the adrenaline of his mixed emotions, but he felt so much more settled than he had in weeks.

"Khun, I'm not going to file a complaint," Chai shook his head. "You are-" Chai took in a breath. "Were. You were a good boss to me, before. And you're being a good boss now, by taking responsibility. I... I don't know if I trust you, like before. That's going to take time... But I still want to work here! It's the best place I ever worked before!"

Other than P'Aisoon, his other bosses wouldn't have apologised to Chai for anything, even if they were in the wrong. Chai could see now, why P'Rachi had spoken so highly of Khun Dan - the man did have a sense of justice. Loneliness and muddled thoughts are what drove him to touch Chai that day. Now Chai knows that he was not at fault, and it's enough for him that Khun Dan was acknowledging his wrongdoings.

"B-but please, Khun, I don't want to move anywhere," Chai said in a rush. "If I'm still not good in the mail room, please give me a chance to prove myself. I can concentrate, now that we've talked. I've been distracted, but it won't happen again. I promise."

Chai gripped his phone tightly, occasionally glancing down at the screen to see if the service was returned as Khun Dan tried to comfort him from across the elevator. It was nerve-wrecking enough to be trapped in an elevator without any help coming, but to be stuck in there with the man he had been trying to avoid was even worse. Even if Khun Dan's voice was reassuring as he told Chai to calm down and breathe, Chai's thoughts were getting the better of him. What if Khun Dan tried to harass him like in Japan? Did the cameras in the elevator even work with the service down to record a video if he did?

Despite Chai's worries, he did have to acknowledge that his fears were just a result of his anxiety, because Khun Dan seemed like he was really trying to stay away from him. He left a lot of room between himself and Chai in the small space, hands up as if showing that he meant no harm, doing his best to get the two of them out, even apologising for their situation. Khun Dan... apologised a lot, Chai noticed, on the rare times they spoke these days.

"i - I'm sorry. I have no clue what happened. But I'll figure it out. I apologize that you are stuck with me… Just - hang in there. We'll get out soon…"

"I'll just keep checking my phone in case the service comes back?" Chai suggested, watching as Khun Dan looked around the space for any other way out. It was moot though - there wasn't anything that could be done, other than to wait for someone to try using it from the outside and hopefully report it as malfunctioning.

Whose job was it to make sure the maintenance stuff was working? Khun Dan? No, he'd be too busy with meetings, it would probably fall under his assistant right?

Wait, who was Khun Dan's assistant now? Chai didn't remember seeing anyone at the desk he usually worked at, on his rounds with the mail.

Khun Dan seemed to give up looking for an escape, stepping further back, into the corner opposite Chai, sliding down onto the floor.

"It's probably best to sit down for a minute. And calm down while we figure out what to do."

Chai hesitated before nodding, knowing there wasn't really much else they could do except wait. Hoping for a miracle, he checked his phone again - but nope, still nothing. And his hands were so clammy he could hardly unlock the screen. "Y-yeah. I guess." Chai agreed, sliding down on his side of the elevator to sit on the floor. At least it was clean.

The young man pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them, gaze trained on the opposite form of Khun Dan. He was still nervous, but Khun Dan's calmness in this kind of situation was kind of helping.

"Don't worry, I won't come close. I won't hurt you."

Chai's eyes widened slightly, hearing his former boss acknowledge one of the fears he hadn't spoken aloud yet. And it seemed genuine. Khun Dan was making an effort to stay away, hands were Chai could see them, trying to get them out of there. Hearing that Khun Dan wasn't going to do anything that would hurt Chai was... reassuring.

"...Thank you, Khun Dan." Chai told him, some of the tension easing from his shoulders.

The silence that followed was strange. Chai could talk a lot, sometimes about nothing at all, but was struggling to find anything to say. He wanted to confront Khun Dan, but was terrified of the aftermath in case he triggered some kind of anger or resentment. He wanted to ask questions about Khun Dan's new assistant and if they needed help, but didn't want to overstep and make it appear as if he knew everything about the job after only two months.

Recalling the conversation he had with his P'Rachi, Chai tried to quell his over thinking mind.

I've known P'Dan for years, and he's never acted this way before. I'm not going to apologise on his behalf - but I will tell you that he feels terrible. P'Dan can be annoying and interferes with my life too much and I know he's a meanie at work - but the P'Dan I know is also one who looks out for others. He's always been so caring and responsible, especially of his employees, I can't understand why he... I don't know, baby. I'm not going to make excuses for him. He shouldn't have done that to you, end of story. And he does deeply regret his actions.

Did he? He had apologised but they hadn't talked. There was no closure, and it driving Chai mad because of all the over-thinking it drove him to do.

Deciding to be brave, Chai sat up a little straighter, heart beating a little harder in his chest. "Khun Dan," Chai said as confidently as he could. "I'm angry with you."

There. He said it. And it made him feel so much better.

Though, once he started, he couldn't stop.

"Since we came back from Japan, I feel like you threw me away because I didn't let you touch me. You shouldn't have done that in the first place, and I appreciate that you left me alone because I was upset, but we've never talked about what happened. It's the same with the night your friends tried to get me drunk - we... were in the bed together and I don't know how we got there. Did I do something to make you think I wanted that kind of attention in Japan? Or did you not care that I was drunk, like your friends wanted me to be? Did you... did we... What happened, Khun?"

Chai couldn't hardly finish the sentence, his voice started to shake as he waited for Khun Dan to answer him, if he even would, before talking again.

"Then we came back to Thailand, and you moved me to a new department and didn't even ask how I was doing. I was really struggling, and I felt very alone." Chai glanced away. His boss didn't have to care about him, but he felt discarded and it was all because of Khun Dan not taking responsibility. "I thought you were a good boss before... all of that. P'Rachi said you were good to your employees. It was a hard job being your assistant at first, but I got better didn't I? I really liked the challenge of working in that role. It's better than being a bartender or an es-" Chai caught himself before he revealed the shameful secret of his. His voice went softer as he asked out his final piece. "Why weren't you good to me? What did I do to you, Khun?"

[fairyofsilence]

2. FORMING BONDS | OBSESSION SERIES |

Pairings: Yandere!Namjoon x Reader, Yandere!Jungkook x Reader

Word count: 6.7 K

This is part of the obsession series, you can find my main masterlist here.

Warnings (for this chapter): +18, stalking, anxiety, cursing, mentions of blackmailing, toxic relationships, mentions of murder, mentions of sex work, trauma bonding, childhood trauma is discussed, innapropiate therapist/patient relationship (your therapist should never discuss their private life with you), emotional cheating, recording of sexual acts without the persons knowladge, explicit sexual scenes; short sex scene, choking, mentions of aftercare, Jungkook is a voyeur.

I don't agree nor condone any of the actions made by any of the characters throughout the story, I also do not belive that any of the members of BTS would act this way or have this type of behaviour, this story it's fiction and it's written with the sole purpose of entertainment, please proceed with caution.

Summary:Your husband adores you and he would do anything for you, but little do you know, so will the man who's watching you from the shadows.

Taglist (for this series): @minshookie29, @multifandombishthatlovekth, @kimlineownsme, @marslena, @apriljoon, @investedreader, @darkuni63, @gotnothing-todo, @silversparkles11, @ksooed, @pineapplestemkth​ (If you like to be added, just comment under this post or send me an ask requesting to be added❤)

A/N: Hello, I know I’ve been gone since practically forever, and I’m really sorry about that, but I had a terrible writer’s block during the summer, I will just stare at my screen and hope for the words to come out of my head, but finally, I somehow managed to finish this chapter, I’m posting this while being half asleep so please ignore any mistakes, I’ll be editing this over the weekend and working on chapter 3, so please look foward for that, any type of feedback it’s appriciated by me btw, so don’t be shy hehe, I hope you have a good day and thank you for reading!❤

If you were to ask her about her job, Haneul would say that she wouldn’t consider it to be difficult at all.

It was perfect for someone like her, she was fresh out of college, it paid her enough to make ends meet every month and her boss was so incredibly kind and sweet to her, in the past year the both of you had grown closer than she would’ve expected, you were quick to put so much trust on her, you’ll always tell her how much you appreciated her work and praise her for how efficient she was, maybe that’s why Haneul always feels so bad when she must go behind your back and report to your husband of your daily activities at work.

She never meant to betray your trust like this, and she was almost a hundred percent sure that what she was doing its illegal, but when Kim Namjoon himself showed up to her apartment, bringing two suitcases filled with cash and promising to pay for her student debt, while also helping her move to a better side of town, she couldn’t help but to agree, this happened after her first week of working for you, she didn’t thought she’ll be staying for long, but then what started as an agreement became a reason to blackmail her, when she tried to break off their deal, he just dismissed her by telling her that if she tries to break off their arrangement he will leave her with even a worst debt than she was previously on, and that was all it took for Haneul to tuck her tail between her legs and keep on showing up to work, shame and guilt eating her up every day as you continue to see her as a good and hardworking girl only for her to turn around and do the most unethical things behind your back, but it was her life over yours, that’s how Haneul tries to console herself whenever she feels the guilt start to eat her up once more, you could start over, your husband can afford to buy you a new life if you wanted to, but Haneul? She had nothing, this job was all she had, and she’ll be damned if she ends up losing it, so with a heavy conscience and she picks up her phone and types out the message she desperately wishes she didn’t have to send, but nevertheless, she ends up doing it, and receives an answer far too quick for her own liking.

“From: Haneul

To: KNJ

First person scheduled for today cancelled, new patient just went in, I will send his file after Mrs. Kim is done for the day. Sent at 11:26 A.M”

“From: KNJ

To: Haneul

Keep a close look on him like we talked about, you know I hate it when she has male patients, I also want the footage from the security cameras from that session. Sent at 11:27 A.M”

Haneul often wonders what you could’ve done in your past life to deserve such a crazy man like your husband, but she always ends up without an answer, because she doesn’t think you could’ve done something so bad that would make you end up with a man like this, Haneul doesn’t think anyone deserves to end up with a man like Kim Namjoon as their husband.

“From: Haneul

To: KNJ

Yes sir, I’ll be keeping you updated. Sent at 11:28 A.M”

His last message sent shivers down her spine, if there was something that Kim Namjoon had done ever since they met, it was knowing exactly how to make her fear him.

“From: KNJ

To: Haneul

You better. Sent at 11:29 A.M”

Haneul gulps as she puts her phone down, turning the security cameras back on as she takes a couple of deep breaths to calm down.

Your husband has become the reason for her nightmares and yet you live blissfully unaware of his sick nature, as she types into her document, Haneul wonders if she’ll ever tell you about how much control over your life your husband actually has, but she also remembers that as long as she depends on you, there’s nothing she can do other than silently watch you living a lie next to the man who has trapped you into a false reality, she often wonders how would you react if the perfect world Namjoon has created for you suddenly crumbles, Haneul shakes her head and starts typing once more.

She doesn’t even want to think about the things your husband would do if that day ever comes.

Unironically enough, the answer to her question was currently inside your office.

Drumming his fingers along his thighs, Jungkook feels a drop of cold sweat forming on the right side of his forehead, dripping all the way to his jaw, he licks his lips as he silently watches you work just like he has done so many times in the past, but this time is different, instead of facing his large monitor in the shivering cold and darkness of his own room, Jungkook is looking directly at your face, paying very close attention at any minuscule action you made in the past couple of minutes, controlling himself to not open his mouth and drool at the mere sight of you, that wouldn’t make the good first impression he has planned for years now, there cannot be anything that can mess up his only opportunity to get close to you.

Jungkook has been waiting for this moment for so long he can’t believe it’s finally happening, he has already lost count of the number of times he had to stop himself from reaching out to touch you, to hold you closer to him, to finally have you all to himself, he’s been struggling to remind himself that you were not ready for that yet, but hopefully, that will change soon. You were exactly like he had expected you to be, for Jungkook, watching you was always a pleasing experience, he has learned your quirks and cute expressions from how long he has been watching you, but god, your mannerisms looked even more cute up close rather than on a far distance or from a pixeled screen, years of having to blend into the crowd for him to only get a small glimpse of you, and now he was getting a front row seat on what he would consider the most entertaining show of all time: Watching you live inside the perfect bubble your husband has created for you. You have no idea how much Jungkook is going to enjoy bursting that bubble for you.

Unaware of everything that’s going through his mind, you peered at Jungkook over your glasses, only to find that he was already looking at you, mischief written all over his face, and when you moved your eyes onto him he smiled a little wider, his cute nose scrunched and your heart beat a little too fast for your liking, you decided to return your attention to his chart, which seemed fairly empty, only his most basic medical information was shown and that made you come to the conclusion that this might be the first time he has gone to therapy, closing the metal folder, you put his chart in your lap and give him a reassuring smile, setting the timer on our smart watch to get your first session finally started.

“We’re officially starting our first session as it now Jungkook” You intervene your hands and tilt your head to the side while maintaining eye contact.

“First, I would like to remind you that everything you say in this and if you decide, our next sessions, are extremely confidential and I cannot speak about anything that we discuss in this room, the only time I am allowed to inform about our sessions to anyone else is if I, as your therapist consider that you could harm yourself or that you could put other people in danger, if you have shown up today is because you have read the email I sent you prior to this session, correct?” You reach to your small table next to the individual couch you’re currently sitting, grabbing a small notepad and a pen laying right beside you, Jungkook nods as you open the notepad and begin by writing his name beside today’s date.

“Yes Dr. Kim, I did read the email you sent to me” He also confirms vocally while watching you write his name, the furrow in between your brows making him smile for a moment, so cute, Jungkook thought.

“Perfect, thank you for answering, I hope you don’t mind reminding you that our first sessions might seem a bit slow but I believe it’s best to slowly built up our relationship as patient and therapist, I feel that it’s the best way for not making you feel as if you have to rush into talking about certain topics you’re still not ready to discuss with me, as your therapist I am fully aware how it must not be easy to trust someone so quickly, and I am willing to wait until you feel comfortable enough to talk about certain things” You return to make eye contact as you finish writing down the basics and Jungkook nods along everything you say, giving you a shy smile after your last words.

“That’s very kind of you Dr. Kim” His eyes are starting to look a bit glossy, and the sight of that makes you grip at your pen tightly, there have been countless of patients who have cried on their sessions, especially when it was their first time, why are his tears affecting you so much?

“You don’t have to thank me Jungkook, I’m only here to help you” You shot him a small polite smile and contain the biggest urge to reach out and grab his hand to reassure him, but he notices, the way your hand twitches the same way when you want to reach out for your husband’s hand, and Jungkook couldn’t be more thrilled about it, not believing how much he has affected you in such a short amount of time, this might be easier than what he initially thought. You ignore the sudden urge and continue with the session once more.

“We can start by you telling me the reason why you have decided to see a therapist, you don’t need to go into details if you don’t want, you can answer however you want.”

“I wanted to see a therapist because I think I’m ready to let my past behind me” Jungkook rubs his palms against his thighs and you can tell how nervous he is, you maintain a neutral expression as you write his answer down.

“Not letting your past rule over your present it’s not an easy thing to do, you’ve already done one of the hardest steps in a healing journey, which is accepting that you need to change in order to grow” Jungkook gives you another shy smile and you can’t help but to smile back at him, even though a small voice inside your head tells you that you shouldn’t be doing it but you couldn’t help it, he looks lost, even though you could see that he was physically strong, Jungkook seems to avoid getting the attention on himself, his clothes, his attitude and the way he carried himself told you that much, you don’t know what kind of urge was suddenly overflowing in you but all you knew was that you wanted, no, needed to help him at all cost.

“Can I- Could I start with my upbringing? Is that too much for our first session?” His timid tone it’s heartbreaking, and while it pangs your heart, you maintain a stoic expression and answer his question.

“You can start telling me with what you feel the most comfortable Jungkook, you can trust me on that” Jungkook nods to himself as he plays with his hands, he closes his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath before looking at you again, you make a motion with your hand to let him know you’re listening.

“My mother, she died when I was very young” His voice suddenly became a little bit more deep, and it send shivers down your spine.

“I’m very sorry to hear that Jungkook” He doesn’t seem to register your words as he focuses on the small table that separates the two of you, the topic seems to be rough on him, giving how deep in thought he seems to be, you try to make him come back to you by asking: “Could you tell me how old you were?” Jungkook’s attention returns to you after your question and the coldness in his previously sweet stare takes you aback for a second.

“I was 6” His answer makes you wish you didn’t ask but you know you must keep going regardless of your compassion towards him.

“Do you remember how it happened?, where you were when you received the news?” You write his previous answer and try to avoid eye contact to not show any emotion to what his next answer might be, but nothing can prepare you for what his next words are.

“I was the one who found her” His voice quivers and you quickly turn your head to look at him only to find him already staring at you, he doesn’t wait for an answer as he keeps talking: “She was murdered, it was client of hers, never knew who he was, she had a lot of clients so I never bother to remember any of their faces” Jungkook cuts eye contact to look over your office window, you couldn’t stop yourself from blurting a question after he was done talking.

“Clients?” You were confused and Jungkook realized his omission made you feel out of context, he quickly filled you into what he was talking about.

“My mother was a prostitute, I’m the son of one of her clients actually” You’re speechless after his confession, you know firsthand the effects of growing up knowing that your mother was a prostitute, and that you were a product of her job, but Jungkook not only had those issues, his mother was also taken from him at such a small age, your self-control seemed to be put to the test today, because you wanted to comfort him, to let him know he wasn’t alone with his pain, but you couldn’t do that without reveling things about yourself, and that was extremely unprofessional, you knew better than to cross those lines, but doing it once wouldn’t hurt, right? You pride yourself for being extremely sufficient with helping your patients to get better, wouldn’t this help Jungkook? It must if you had this immense urge to tell him, you weren’t being unprofessional, in fact, you were doing the right thing, weren’t you?

“You think that this event it’s what’s stopping you from getting better?”

“I don’t think, I know it is” Jungkook chuckles and crosses his arms while leaning back into the sofa, you raise an eyebrow as you put your hands in your stomach.

“How do you view me as a person Jungkook?” Your question seems to take him by surprise, but he responds after a moment.

“Professional, kind, hardworking” You let out a small smile at his short but sweet description of yourself.

“And if I told you that the person you just described when through similar things as you did, would you change your mind?” Jungkook looks at you even more confused than before so you decide to let him know the aspect of your life you’re not fond of speaking about it “Our mothers shared the same profession Jungkook” His pretty doe eyes are wide in shock and even his mouth opens a little bit, you can’t help but to giggle at his reaction and that seems to make him snap out of his brief state of shock.

There’s a small moment of silence before Jungkook speaks out again.

“How do you do it?” Jungkook ask in a hushed tone, if you weren’t playing close attention to him you probably wouldn’t have heard him.

“How do I do what?” You had a faint idea of what he was trying to say, but you wanted him to voice out his thoughts, for Jungkook to acknowledge what his fear is.

“How do you live with the shame of it? I feel like every  time I’m walking down the street, somehow people just know, and I can almost feel them judging me, even when I know that her actions weren’t my fault, I feel like I can’t open up with anyone because they wouldn’t understand and they would judge me because of this, I feel so ashamed all the time and I really don’t know how to make it stop” His confession cut deep into your heart as you felt deep within you each and every single one of his words, the resemblance between the two of you was becoming more prominent each time he revealed something about himself, and you couldn’t help but to project into him, you knew the struggle he was going through, better than anyone else, you could see it in his eyes, the desperation and the frustration on people judging you over something you had absolute no control over, your heart hurts for him and you feel the frustration building up in you, as you watch him patiently waiting for an answer from you, you decided that this was beyond just a professional relationship, he needed from you, Jungkook needed guidance, friendship, he needed everything you were willing to give him, and you intended to give him your all.

You lean forward as you maintain eye contact with him, he mirrors your actions as he plays with his fingers, impatiently waiting for what you are about to say.

“I don’t think that my answer it’s what you are expecting to hear” Hearing the truth sometimes does more damage than it helps, you know it well, Jungkook stops his movement all together and the words coming out of his mouth are not what you expected.

“I don’t want you to respond with something you don’t agree with just because it’s the professional thing to do, Dr. Kim, I want to hear your opinion from your own experience” Jungkook straightens his posture as he speaks and the look on his eyes it’s so intense it makes you cut eye contact and lean back into your chair; you don’t think your answer thoroughly before speaking again.

“The shame never leaves, you only learn how to live with it” You expected for Jungkook to blow up the way most of your patients do whenever they don’t receive the answer they were looking for, but he surprised you once more as he looks at you with hope in his beautiful brown eyes.

“Could you help me learn how to live with it, Dr. Kim?” He asks in a low timid tone, and you give him the brightest smile he’s ever seen on you.

“I would love to Jungkook.”

After being forced to practically become your shadow, Haneul has become more observant than she’s ever been before, she has come to notice even the smallest changes on you, and the main thing that set alarms going off inside her head was when not only you accompanied the new patient to the front door, but also how you hugged him and kept on having a small conversation until he finally left, her eyes open so wide to the point she thinks they’ll pop out of its sockets, Namjoon was going to kill her, on more than one occasion he has told her to not let you touch any patients, specifically male patients, and with him already being on the edge because of the new patient, there was no doubt that he was going to be furious about this when he sees the security camera footage, Haneul was in deep shit.

She was shaking by the moment you turned around to return to your office, briefly glancing at her only to stop when you realized just how pale she was, a frown between her brows and a lost look on her eyes told you that something must not be alright, so you carefully approached her until you were in front of her desk.

“Haneul? Is everything okay?” Your clueless question makes Haneul want to rip off her hair.

No, nothing is fucking okay because you can’t just do things like that without me getting my head chopped off, God, why can’t you just listen to your creepy husband for once?

Ignoring her less than friendly thoughts, Haneul takes several deep breaths to compose herself and shots you a sweet smile before answering.

“Everything’s fine Dr. Kim, please don’t worry about it” You seem to believe in her answer as you give her an acknowledging nod before making your way to your office once more.

It’s only after hearing you close the door that Haneul reaches out for her phone, searching with hurry Namjoon’s contact to let him know everything she just saw, she rewrites several times due to her shaky hands.

Haneul might have bad luck, but she considers herself lucky that she won’t be in the receiving end of your husband’s wrath. The mere thought makes the hairs on her arms to rise in fear, shaking her head as if that would take away her thoughts, she continues to write the text that would become the first of many. After working with you for almost a year, Haneul never would’ve thought that a pretty boy would be enough to lure you away from your devoted husband, but then again, you were only human, and she will never judge you for distancing yourself from a man like Namjoon, in fact, Haneul thinks, Jungkook becoming your patient might be for the best, if she only knew about Jungkook’s true intentions, she’ll probably fear him just as much as she fears the man who has left her on read. Haneul gulps as she watches the ‘typing’ text go on and off for a couple of minutes, preparing for the worst, but when she only receives an “Okay” from Namjoon, she realizes that the short cold answer scared her more than a lengthy angry paragraph would.

Haneul knew she shouldn’t had accepted this job so quickly; it seemed far too good to be true. As she stares at her disorganized desk, Haneul wonders how she could had gotten herself stuck in the middle of such a sick relationship when all she expected from this job was to get coffee and take phone calls. Haneul sighs tiredly as she reaches out for her coffee mug.

If only she had listened to her old-fashioned mother who wanted to set her up to become a housewife, she would’ve saved herself the trouble she was currently in. What was previously a thought she dreaded has now become something she longed for.

The only thing that keeps Haneul from going insane it’s pretending that this was just a bad nightmare, that she would wake up and that everything will be alright, but Haneul really doesn’t know how much she can’t play pretend anymore.

Maybe she should book an appointment with you, but judging by your last interaction with a patient, she doesn’t think you’ll stay in business for long, not that your husband would allow it at least.

Being with Jungkook always left you longing for more.

Quickly after your second session the same week after the first one, you realized one hour a day simply wasn’t going to be enough for you.

It started innocent enough, going to a café and walking together in the park, the place never mattered to you, it was spending time with him that made you happy, although you did try to limit yourself to only spend one hour with him without being inside your office, just two people who’ve been through the same shitty struggles and finding comfort within each other.

But your problem started when you stopped limiting yourself.

You started to tell yourself that one hour simply wasn’t enough, and that it wouldn’t hurt to spend more time with him, so one hour turned into two, then it turned into three, and before you knew it you were cancelling appointments for the sake of spending more time with him, a man who wasn’t your husband, a man who understood and comforted you in a way no one had ever been able to do before, not your best friend, and not even the love of your life, but him. Jungkook has quickly made his way into your heart due to his gentleness, how he carefully listens to everything you have to say, the way he brushes off your tears whenever your emotions get the best of you, the way his hand lingers until it finally reaches over to hold yours, it would be shocking if you didn’t end up growing fond of him after spending so much time with him, and while a small voice inside your head kept on whispering how wrong this was, how you were somehow betraying the trust your adoring husband has put on you, you always chose to ignore it, focusing on what Jungkook needed instead. Your husband will understand, he always does, it’s why you love him so much, he would be understanding when you tell him how sweet Jungkook is, how you guys just hit it off so well that it almost seemed like you’ve had known each other forever.

The problem is, you never mention any of this to Namjoon, in fact, you can’t even remember the last time you had a proper conversation with him, the realization and the guilt hits you like a truck, but you brush it off as you grip your coffee cup a little harder, focusing back to Jungkook’s voice as he tells you about the latest videogame release he was looking forward to, his excitement putting your mind at ease,  Jungkook notices the sad look in your eyes, but he also notices the way it fades after you look at him, and he can’t help but to smile as he relishes on the fact that he’s making you put your husband as a second priority, making you forget who was supposed to be the only man in your life.

He smiles proudly as he looks at you, the adoring look on your eyes tells him that you would be ready for him in no time, all he needs to do now it’s sit back, and watch your marriage crumble right before your eyes without you even noticing it.

Namjoon notices everything about you.

He notices when you’re about to get sick and takes care of you before it can escalate, he notices that when your period is about to begin you cry onto his chest because you don’t want him to leave the bed, he notices when you’re feeling sad but don’t want to bother him with your feelings, always there for you to hold you into his chest and let the world keep going while you hide into his warm embrace.

But Namjoon hasn’t been able to notice any of this in the past few weeks, all because you spend day and night out with that boy.

He was furious when he saw the camera footage from the first session you had, the two of you just seemed way to invested on each other, but when you came home that day, you were smiling from ear to ear, and when he asked you about how your day went, you simply responded with “One of the best days I’ve had in a while”, and his chest hurt when he realized you weren’t talking about him.

He’s been trying to put a little more trust on you, you seemed to be fond of this kid for some reason and it was cute enough at first, but you got attached way to quickly in his opinion.

He knows that you started to see him outside of work, and that was enough to put him on the edge, but he decided to test you, see how far you’ll go just to spend time with him, and Namjoon took quite a hit once he realized just how invested you seemed to be on this patient of yours.

He felt as if he was dying whenever the private investigator came back to him with a folder full of pictures of the two of you, eating, laughing, and crying together, hugging each other with such an intensity that could even be capture in a photo, Namjoon couldn’t believe that he was watching his wife slip out of his arms so easily, and the worst thing was, he felt like there was nothing he could do other than to watch her pull away from him, the misery of her putting him aside for someone she hasn’t even known for so long.

Everything came crashing down tonight, as he got off from work to come home earlier than usual, wanting to surprise you with the largest bouquet he’s ever given you before, you’ll come back to your senses and the kid would have to back off, everything would return to normal and you were going to be okay, because your marriage is that strong.

But Namjoon was not welcomed by your sweet smile and loving embrace, he was greeted by a cold and empty home, with his wife spending a Friday night out with another man, a day that has been solely dedicated for him, and Namjoon just snaps.

Trashing the bouquet against the wall, he angrily makes his way to his home office and closes the door with a loud bang.

Ever since meeting that boy, you started to get more distracted at work with your other patients, you have not answered any of your friends worried text about your wellbeing with something that wasn’t “I’m busy”, you have barely look at him ever since that stupid kid came into your office, he doesn’t know what he has done to you, but you almost seemed bewitched by him, Namjoon knew you were a caring person, he knew that you always gave your best to all of your patients, but even your friends have realized that this was different, and you not showing up tonight was the final push that made him take the harsh route, he never likes to hurt you, but he would rather for you to suffer now and get over it quickly than for you to get more attached to that boy, he has to end this sudden infuriation of yours, and he must do it now.

You come home late again tonight.

When you opened the door to your home, you were surprised to find the lights in an extremely low setting, to be fair, it was already past midnight, but whenever you get home late, Namjoon always waits for you in the living room, glasses on with a book in his hand and his comfy clothes on, it’s a cute sight to be welcomed home but now it’s nowhere to be seen, there’s only some flowers spread out in the floor, making a complete mess in the living room, confused and taken aback by this, you leave your purse and coat on the hanger and make your way upstairs to find where your husband might be.

He wouldn’t be asleep, he never likes to go to bed without you, he’s definitely not in your bedroom, but when you look over his office door, you see that the lights are on due to the small space between the door and the floor, you then make your way to his office, not bothering to knock as you just open the door, but the sight that greets you makes you shiver.

Namjoon rarely drinks.

He’s never been a big fan of alcohol, you can count with only one hand the rare occasions that you’ve seen him drinking, he often said he didn’t saw the point of getting drunk, so therefor it was only natural that he stayed away from any types of alcohol, so to find him like this, with a drink on his hand while a half empty bottle that had only served as decoration before is on his desk, you can’t help but to feel worried, you quickly made your way to his side and stare down at him as he continues to focus on the drink in his hand.

“Namjoon?” You tried to gain his attention by talking to him and you can’t help but to frown when he ignores you “Honey are you alright?” Namjoon smirks and takes a deep breath before setting his glass next to the bottle on his desk, he turns to look at you and you can’t help but to feel worried as you take a good look on your husbands face for the first time in weeks, and the first thing you notice is how his entire body screams exhaustion, Namjoon looks tired, it hurts to see him like this, you wrap your arms around him whilst sitting on his lap, he quickly welcomes your embrace and buries his face onto your neck, taking a long, deep breath as his hands rub your back, your heart feels heavy once you realized that you haven’t hugged him like this in a while, and it hurts even more when you realize it’s all your fault.

“What’s wrong baby?” You run your fingers through his hair, and he lets a dry chuckle after your question, he pulls his head out of your neck and looks at you for a moment before he speaks.

“How was your day darling?” Normally, you would be thrilled to answer his question, but the tone in which he was asking you this now made you frown, he sounded sarcastic, and Namjoon has never spoken to you like this before.

“What do you mean?” You try to play innocent as you realize that his question has a double meaning, he raises an eyebrow and one of his hands reaches your hip, which he grips on tightly while he maintains eye contact with you, the angry look on his eyes makes you gulp unvoluntary.

“What day is it?” The lack of a term of endearment, and his unexpected question takes you by surprise, what could he possibly mean by that?

You don’t answer right away, but after thinking just for a moment you came to the realization that today is Friday, and you weren’t home to receive your husband at the front door.

Namjoon waits patiently for your answer, and you feel horrible when you realize just how much you’ve been neglecting your husband for the sake of spending time with one of your patients.

“Oh, Namjoon, baby I’m sorry” He’s so mad but he can’t be angry at you for too long, especially not now when you’re looking at him with tears in your eyes, he places a hand on your cheek, and you greedily accept his affection towards you.

“I’m not mad at you love, I’m just confused, and a little hurt if I’m being honest” He’s being anything but honest right now, if you weren’t so invested in that boy he would’ve already killed him with his bare hands “Why are you spending so much time with your patient darling? What’s going on?” His voice cracks and the guilt has finally catch up with you, tears roll down your face as you place one of your hands on the back of his neck.

“I just- I really don’t know” Your tears are enough to make him fold, he brushes off your tears and gives you a small smile before talking.

“You know it’s wrong now, do you?” You feel like a child as you nod “And you know that whatever kind of friendship you have with this patient needs to stop, don’t you love?” It takes you a little bit more time than with his last question, but you end up nodding your head anyway, Namjoon smiles wider after you answer and pats your cheek, which makes you giggle.

“I’m really sorry…” You try to apologize again but he doesn’t let you, interrupting you with several quick pecks that make you laugh, and when he stops you can see that he’s smiling too.

“It’s okay love, besides” Namjoon gives you a wicked smile as his hand makes it’s way to your crotch “You know you can make it up to me in different ways”

You should’ve known you wouldn’t even make it to the bedroom, Namjoon wasn’t exactly patient when it came down to have his way with you, so it really didn’t surprise you that you were currently being fucked in the hallway, a small piece of furniture was the only thing that was keeping you away from falling into the ground, your pants were discarded somewhere in Namjoon’s office, you were both still practically clothed but he was a men on a mission, and his mission was to show you just how much he had missed you this past couple of weeks.

His soft hands grip tightly onto your hips as you claw your nails onto his back, Namjoon hisses and starts thrusting even harder, making you moan even louder, he buries his face into your neck to place sloppy kisses as you reach out to take one of his hands away from your waist and placing it on your neck, Namjoon lets out a deep growl at your actions.

“You couldn’t help yourself, couldn’t you my love?” Namjoon says into your ear “Always have to be a good little whore for me” He presses down onto your neck, and it only takes a couple of more thrust for you to be on the edge of an orgasm.

Namjoon knows your body like the back of his hand, and when your bottom lip starts to quiver and your legs begin to shake, he knows you’re about to come, so he keeps on thrusting hard and fast until you climax, holding onto his shoulders for dear life until he reaches his own, he puts his head on your chest as you’re both panting, taking a moment after such an intense orgasm and you can’t help but to let a small out of breath laugh when you think how ridiculous you must look right now, Namjoon chuckles and leaves several kisses on your chest before reaching out to your neck and then your lips, giving you a sweet peck before his hands reach for the back of your tights and picks you up easily as you giggle.

“Let’s go take a bath, huh?” Namjoon says before placing a kiss on your forehead, you nod as you cuddle into his chest, carrying you in his arms, he makes his way into your bedroom, having a small conversation as he walks, and you’re both blissfully unaware of the small red blinking dot coming from the end of the hallway.

Jungkook leans back into his chair as he stares into his screen, he has done this countless of times before, the closes way he’s ever had to be somewhat intimate with you, but after these last couple of weeks, Jungkook knows that’s about to change soon, his plan has been successful so far, he only needs a little more time so he can finally have you by his side, so he can finally call you his.

He exits the security camera as he watches you and Namjoon leave the frame, Jungkook looks down at his hand as he smiles and takes a deep breath after such an intense orgasm, he reaches out for a box of tissues he keeps on his desk for this occasions, as he cleans himself up, Jungkook can’t help but to think about how beautiful you looked when you were so lost in pleasure, he wonders if you would let him do the same things you let your husband do.

It's fine if you don’t, Jungkook thinks, he’ll just have so much fun breaking you down until you submit to him that it won’t matter if you let him or not.

He’s going to have you, regardless if you agree or not.

<previous | next>

[bigskydreaming]

I’m still working as best I can towards getting the surgery I’m always talking about in these posts, because when I tell you how much that will fundamentally change every aspect of my life right now, I’m not kidding. As usual, I’m way behind on rent, haven’t been able to afford new meds in a couple weeks, and am low on food and energy, with the first of the month being tomorrow and like.....I’m trying so hard to get the surgery at least before the end of the year, because as soon as I do, not only does it address all my health issues, I’ll be able to ditch the super pricey insurance I have to maintain just to keep the surgery I’ve otherwise paid for even a possibility? 

(Again, the surgery is already paid for, all 21K of it.....the reason I keep having to put it off is not having any extra to pay for rent and food while I’m stuck in bed recovering for a month after it, since I’m perpetually behind and stuck in the hole as is).

My breakdown of actual expenses, priority wise is:

- $812 per month insurance, without maintaining these specific benefits, I’ll owe additional money before they’ll even do the surgery, and there’s no way I can afford the out of pocket surgery price tag

- $1400 rent (there’s two of us living here, and we’re essentially living at one of those extended stay motels that give deals to people who are otherwise homeless, which is us. Yes, there are cheaper places we could live, even in LA a studio apartment can be found for like half this, but both of our credit scores were trashed in maxing out loans and credit cards even just to get us this far and we have no ability to rebuild our credit score while scrambling to keep up with day to day expenses as is, and we have no one who could co-sign on a cheaper apartment for us)

- $230 medication (I have an annoyingly high metabolism which means only specific pain medication works for me in the first place, as well as ADHD, C-PTSD, clinical depression, anxiety, something that is not OCD but is OCD related and hard to explain to people not familiar with it, and a few other things in the mix. I take four medications monthly, or am supposed to, and this total includes the cost of my refill apppointments, because many of my meds are controlled substances they won’t refill without monthly check-ups. Currently have been off my meds for over two and a half weeks. Its been grand)

- $80 phone/internet (necessary for most of my freelance work as well as refill and doctor appointments, etc. has been disconnected for over a week so there’s an additional $20 reconnect fee)

And anything I have left over after that goes to food. Literally the ONLY thing I need to finally be able to KEEP a surgery date is like....being able to afford rent, meds and food for the month after the surgery as my jaw will be completely wired shut, and I’ve been told to expect that I will not be able to get out of bed and move around for at least two weeks minimum.

But the SECOND after I’ve recovered from surgery, I can change so much of this? I can drop my pricey insurance, with the money I save from that I can fairly swiftly up my credit again as I’m less than 5K in debt overall, my biggest credit card is only $1K limit, I just can’t even afford to make tiny payment installments when I’m constantly behind even just on rent, as soon as I up my credit a bit and without the pain/medical issues limiting my ability to travel and use public transportation, I can find us a cheaper place to live, and like......between that, the gains I can make on sleep, nutrition and rest I can up my ability to find freelance jobs proactively, get more done, turn my attention back to various original projects that can potentially bring in money but that I haven’t been able to devote any attention to while needing to keep my focus such as it is limited to just producing fan content when and where I can since its mostly just mutuals and followers keeping me afloat as is and fan content caters to established fanbases whereas I simply don’t have the time, energy or focus to spare on building a fanbase with original content even though that’s potentially what can net me more money in the longrun, I’m just....stuck on short-run mode, lol. And have been for several years, so we’re talking law of diminishing returns here, as opposed to the expansion packet that original content can potentially reap, so add the frustration of that to ye olde mental/emotional turmoil.

ANYWAY.

Current sources of income other than donation posts are a part time job at a nearby fast food joint for minimum wage (limited hours though because I don’t set the hours and also physical disability makes this pushing it even as is), freelance work ghostwriting (mostly for self-published erotica and romance, though open to anything, please feel free to DM me if you have any potential work here, freelance editing (again mostly for self-published authors as that’s where I have the most contacts but open to anything), cover design (again mostly with self-pub authors but open to other stuff).

Other options I’m looking into to expand my potential income or revenue streams are making a youtube channel with more video essays on a range of topics, TikTok videos of various skits and scenes I’ve written for fandoms I’ve in, developing a Patreon with options for things like input on what output I create in those first two arenas, as well as things like capitalizing on my work history in the publishing and self-publishing industries as well as in Hollywood to step by step show the process of taking an original novel from single logline to fully self-published novel or querying agents in the traditional publishing world as well as mapping out similar journeys/processes in self-producing new media content as an actor or writer hoping to eventually create for film or television, etc.

Like, there’s a lot more I can do or offer there, its just first and foremost I’m hampered by time, energy and productivity constraints brought about by my lack of meds, food, and constantly needing to catch up on rent and insurance before I can even think about actually creating along any of those latter lines because I have to weigh the potential for greater income from longer term projects versus guaranteed income from short term projects of less broad potential but more immediate gains.

Anyway, I just went into detail here in ways I haven’t before hoping to shed a different light on the otherwise sameness of me constantly asking for help for the same thing, but like, please know there’s so much I can do to change my situation and I WANT to do, but there’s simply no way for me TO do that without meeting a certain threshold first, and like....that’s what I’m struggling to reach, month after month. After that? Could be a whole different ball game. 

https://ko-fi.com/kalenp

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