#how could you not lose your shit though the hoverboards were the best thing in that movie

[raenef]

Need the Hex to put on Back to the Future for Drifter to watch and when they get to the scene with the hoverboards Drifter is like "Oh, a k-drive!"

Amir would absolutely lose his shit.

amir enrichment

[espship18]

Kpop ship for anotherstank-stark

Happy Saturday everyone! I didn’t expect to get this ship up as soon as I got to, but time came in handy for me for once! This ship is for @anotherstank-stark ! You were fun to ship, so let’s get into it!

Based off of your request, I learned these things about you: 

You’re 5′6 with brown hair and heterochromia 

You’re a hopeless romantic

Enjoys making people laugh and often laughs at own jokes

Enjoys longboarding 

Loves dogs, has a pup named Charlee

You don’t like heights 

Tri-lingual and learning a fourth language super impressive and respeKt

Likes science and learning random facts

Also, a music lover (: 

And in your request, you asked to be shipped with Got7, NCT, and Seventeen! You sound like a doll, so let’s get into it (: 

Got7: Yugyeom 

When I think of you and Yugyeom, all I can think of and see are two adorable dorks, which one happens to be tall and the other one is short. Also right off bat, I can see your and Yugyeom’s humor blending well together. With your jokes combined with Yugyeom’s literal long ass limbs flailing everywhere, the perfect recipe is created for a happy and healthy laughing environment. You will also laugh so hard sometimes, that you’ll be on the verge of peeing yourself and you’ll have to excuse yourself. When it comes to who fell for who, I feel like you would fall first for Yugyeom. It wouldn’t take long though for Yugyeom to see how much he was into you, and he would fall head over heels for you soon after. You’re also a very chill couple. Well, at least to the outside world you two are chill. You’re lovable and chill, and always cute. Then behind closed doors, you two are the cutest couple ever and you’re always loving on one another. I don’t know how to word this next part very well, but you and Yugyeom would have good body motion. Like, the way you two would move and interact with each others bodies and it would be extremely satisfying watching you two walk down a street. You’re just so good together visually, you work in unison. And just imagine that one day, you’re scrolling on your YouTube feed and a random video titled, “Y/n and Yugyeom being satisfying for four minutes straight” pops up and the whole video is of you and Yugyeom being sweet and cute at a fountain, and you two would be taking pictures together. Moving right along, I can see that Yugyeom’s boyfriend quirk would be singing to you. It doesn’t matter if it is real singing, lulling you to sleep, or him talking to you in a singing fashion, he would always be singing to you. OMg, imagine if when Yugyeom would express his love to you, he would do so by rapping. Yugyeom is clever as a song writer, so like, he would come up with some clever and VERY sweet ways to tell you ��I love you’. Then it would be even cuter if you picked up on the ‘I love you’ rapping and you would have a little tradition of rapping your love for one another. Yugyeom would also love it a lot if you talked about science to him. Then if you would pull your hair up to get it out of the way as you explained a question to him, Yugy would look at you with such admiration. Date nights are chill and sweet! It’s all about quality time with each other and a collection of your favorite things. And he pays every time- no budging him on that. Then lastly, PDA wise, he would like to keep you close at all times so he could keep an eye on you. 

NCT: Jaemin 

Next up, we have this little cutie, and together we have two cuties who are hopelessly in love with each other. I’ll say it up front, Jaemin would give you the world. Jaemin would fall first, no issues with confirming that point, lol. And then after you and Jaemin would be an item for like three months, you would be telling your friend how much Jaemin does for you and luckily your friend would be like ‘YO, HE’S PERFECT WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!’ And you’d be like ‘oh..holy heckles you’re right!’ Then you would just blossom from there (: You two would spend SOOOO much time together. Since Jaemin would have to work a lot, I can see you spending a lot of time in the studio with Jaemin while he works. And to be honest, I can even see you staying there with Jae in your spare time. Of course you know when to sit still, but with Jae around, you won't be sitting still for long. You would highkey overall love the atmosphere because you get to be surrounded by music almost all day long, and you do more than just hang out and look pretty. Jaemin would always want you to dance with him, whether it’s in the serious dancing form or being goofy in the practice room, your feet are gonna move. And I think it would be cute to add that sometimes you would get stolen from Jaemin. Every now and then, Renjun or Chenle would steal you to dance, and the only way that Jaemin could get you back is by a dance off. Sometimes Jae would win and sometimes he wouldn’t, and you would spend so much time dancing with Chenle, you two would become buddies. Okay, we’re gonna move on to a topic I’m cackling over. Okay. Jaemin-long boarding-in the dorm. Crack head Jaemin decides he wants to learn how to long board in the dorm, and as long as he’s safe, you’re down. So Jae can stay safe, you will literally steal every pillow and blanket you can find in the dorm and make a fort type of barrier to protect Jaemin, and you would even tape the pillows to Jae’s body. Thank god for helmets and pillows though, because Jaemin would most definitely fall and the helmet/pillow combo would save that poor boys skull. It was still fun though! Jaemin is more than happy to get on his hoverboard and let you pull him around, lol. You two are also little pranksters with one another. Your pranks would be innocent such as scaring each other, and you would only prank each other. Lastly, PDA wise, Jaemin would be so needy for you! He would love the snuggles and hugs from you, and he would whine often if he felt like he wasn’t getting enough love. I also think it would be cute if he gave you lots of forehead kisses. (: 

Seventeen: Joshua

And last but not least, your angel man. Joshua is such a gentleman that you two would have the good, old fashion type of relationship. Such as, Joshua picking you up for dates, him getting you flowers, him giving you his jacket- ugh, I’m jealous for what you’re about to get, hehe. When you two would meet, the stars would align perfectly and you two would just click instantly. I honestly can’t decide who would fall for each other first, but you two would be so smitten for each other. And of course, since Joshua is such a sweetheart, he would always give you 110% of effort to treat you like the queen you are- such as doing everything in his power to keep you happy. I think this would be sweet, and because I am dying to add Charlee in here, but a major way that you would know that Joshua would be the one is that the fact Charlee would L O V E Joshua! Not long after the two would meet, Charlee would get Joshua’s scent, and before you know it, the two cutie pies are playing in the floor and Charlee is licking Joshua all over! Holy smokes, imagine walking Charlee with Joshua! Picture this, you two are walking on the sidewalk, you have Joshua’s jacket on because it’s chilly, you have one hand intertwined with Joshua’s, and Joshua’s free hand is on Charlee’s leash. I love the imagine so much, we’re gonna further this image as to if you and Charlee traveled with Joshua while he would be working. The vibes and the sweet adventures you three would have together would be absolutely adorable! Carat’s would lose their shits in the best way possible, I know I would. And then omg, it would be even cuter if you two were little trivia nerds to each other! You two would be a couple where you would say ‘you wanna hear a fun fact?’ And Joshua would reply with ‘do YOU wanna hear a fun fact?’ Then you would say, ‘dO YoU wAnnA HeAR a jOkE?’ You two would do this all the time, and you would be laughing you butts off by the end of it every single time. Date night is so romantic omg! It would be Joshua’s specialty, and expect to be spoiled like a princess and be showered with flowers, and love, and you would be treated with such respect. Joshua Hong is the biggest gentleman ever and bro, you are so lucky to have him! Lastly, PDA. Very sweet and soft! Tender hand holding and knuckle kisses. Joshua would almost never let go of you if he would get you in his arms, and sometimes he would go as far as to walking with you WHILE STILL hugging you, and you can’t help but smile and give him an extra kiss..or two. (: 

As soon as I saw you are a hopeless romantic, the inspiration wall cracked and I caved in~ I had so much fun shipping you, and I hoped you enjoyed! <3

~STA

[cryptidswrite]

Reckless Abandon

Pairing: Jeongguk x Reader

Genre: angst mostly, a teeny bit of fluff, overwatch au, one shot + epilogue

Warnings: hella geeky with a touch of violence

Word Count: 3,976

Description: Jeongguk is Busan’s pride and joy. He protects the city from all enemies; omnic and talon alike. His face is plastered on every billboard and every street corner. You can’t even drink a can of soda without feeling like he’s watching you. The glitz and glamour he receives is endlessly irritating to you, his mechanic. When will he wake up and see that there's more important things than fame?

Author’s Note: D.va’s animated short had me feeling some type of way. So this is pretty much based off of that. Thanks, Blizzard. If only they’d make a kpop idol D.va skin. Only then will all my dreams have come true. This is my second attempt at truly writing a fic so bare with me.

“Former ESports Champion turned meka pilot, Jeon Jeongguk has done it again! Just last week he risked his life to save Busan from the Keishun ominics. At just 20 years old, he’s become South Korea’s star in the line of defense. Quick to respond to the surprise attack, Jeon and the meka squad were -”

You click off the holovideo with a roll of your eyes and pick up a clean rag to wipe of your greasy face. Rummaging through your tools, you scoff at the latest headlines. Here you are fixing up his mech from the previous week’s battle. He’s all but killed your poor baby, Bunny. The name is lame, you know and Jeongguk reminds you often. Watching how the mech bounces through the battlefields, you feel the name suits her well. So, you’ve lovingly named her Bunny. You nearly took off his head when he brought her back for repairs. The right fusion cannon had been entirely blown off, meaning you had to build a new one from scratch.

Did he care that building that cannon had caused you two sleepless nights? You doubt he’d care much if he knew. He’d probably say “Suck it up, buttercup. The enemy waits for no one.” So you grabbed your wrench and you sucked it up. As much as you hate to say it, the city does depend on him. Hell, the country kind of depends on him. It seems like too much for any one person.

You sigh and hoist yourself inside the mech to finish repairing the inside control panel. You and Jeongguk have been friends for as long as you can remember. It’s funny how you were once modifying his hoverboard when you were kids and now you’re fixing his mech as he comes home from yet another battle. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t worried about him. The boy, who was once carefree and blithe, now shoulders the responsibility of protecting an entire nation. You don’t know how he does it and honestly, you wish he didn’t have to.

Jeongguk taps on the thick glass of Bunny’s windshield. You were so immersed in the control panel, you didn’t hear him come in. Why is he here? You furrowed your brows at him as you opened the back hatch of the mech.

“What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be out taking pictures with your fans or something?” You say, sounding a little more bitter than you had intended.

He sighs, “Don’t be like that, y/n. The fame thing is annoying and overrated. I’ve told you a thousand times.”

“Whatever. Really though, I told you I’d call you when I’m done with repairs and updates. She’s nowhere near ready. I need at least another week.”

“Another week?” he whines, “I don’t wanna wait anymore.”

You roll your eyes in annoyance and move to get out of the mech. He holds out his hand as an offer to help you down and you take it. “Guk, what’s the rush? The Keishun probably won’t attack for at least another couple of months. You really need a break,”

“You know I can’t take a break. We barely won last time. The enemy is out there evolving and finding ways to become stronger. I have to stay a few steps ahead of them. My squad, this city, the country… They need me at my best. We can’t afford to lose. If I lose, than we lose everything. I’m not going to risk that.”

“Stopping putting all of this on yourself. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak. You’re only human, Jeon.”

He shrugs and says, “I know. I’ve got this.”

You know he’s not listening to what you’re saying. You sigh and give up on scolding him. It’s an old fight, you know it will come up again. He’s always worried about everyone else and never himself. It makes you so angry you could scream, but you won’t. Having been his friend for so long, you should probably learn to accept his fearless martyr attitude. But why should you have to accept it? It’s entirely unfair. While he’s off worrying about the rest of the world, someone needs to worry about him.

You turn your back to him and grab the large cable laying on the ground. You plug it into the main computer that programs the mech. You need to push this matter aside and focus on running program tests for Bunny.

“Can you please get in the mech and see if the right arm has decent mobility?” You say gently, without looking at him. You know that if you look at him right now, you might cry out of frustration and that will upset him. He has enough on his plate without worrying about you too.

“Alright.”

Once you hear the closing clicks from the back hatch of the mech, you allow yourself to turn around. The mech immediately comes to life around him and he’s fully focused on the task at hand. He does as you say and moves the right arm through a full range of motions. Somehow, he looks the most natural inside the mech. You can’t explain it.

Maybe it’s because you’re so used to seeing him in the mech. Somehow, it’s almost like Bunny has become a part of him. Maybe it’s the fluid way he pilots the mech. There’s never a hiccup or pause between his thoughts and the mech’s movements. He’s really an incredible pilot, you must admit. He never fails to leave you in awe. You’d never tell him this though. His ego is already much too big for your liking.

“She’s moving better than ever. The arm even feels lighter! How’d you do it?” He turns the mech towards you, excitement radiating through his smile. You can’t help but grin back, feeling your chest swell with pride. He did recognize your hard work.

“I’m glad you’ve noticed. I wanted to experiment with using carbon fiber material instead of the steel we have been using. It’s much lighter, but just as strong. We’ll see how this one holds up in battle and then I might replace the left cannon with the same material.”

He ejects himself from the mech to closer inspect the fusion cannon. Running his fingers along the bright green paint, he turns to you with a grin.

“This is fucking incredible, y/n. Do you know how much faster I can move? Imagine a whole meka made of this stuff. We’d be lethal!”

You laugh, “You already are lethal, but yeah. That’s the end goal. Even with just the cannons replaced, it’ll tone down the overall bulk of the mech. I’ve also been working on ways to narrow down the spread of the cannons so you can be more precise with your aim.”

“You really are brilliant, you know that?”

You smirked, “Obviously. You’d be screwed without me.”

“Honestly, I would be.”

You move around him and climb back into the mech. ��Okay. Enough of the sappy shit, Jeon. Bunny and I have tests to finish running.”

“I can help, you know. It is my mech after all.”

You open your mouth to argue, but something on the computer monitor caught your eye. That can’t be right… An incoming enemy? You get out of the mech, scrambling to get a better look. The monitor flashes blood red and you can hear the shrill city sirens go off, signaling for the people of Busan to take cover. Four aircrafts are making their way towards the meka base.

“No, no, no. It’s too early. They attacked just last week. How do they have more omnics ready?”

Jeongguk had already pulled the heavy cable from Bunny and locked himself inside. His headset was on and he began checking each system to prepare for take off.

“Guk, no! Y-you're not ready. I’ll call the rest of the team. You have to sit this one out!” You say firmly, stepping in front of Bunny.

“We can’t wait for backup, y/n. The omnics will be in the city by then. I can’t let that happen. I’m going.” He looks at you fiercely and from that one look you know that you’ll never be able to talk him out of it. You feel your heart break as you step aside for him take off.

Soundlessly, you sit down at the monitor and slip on your headset. If he’s going to be an idiot and charge into battle, than you’re going to be there to talk him through it. There’s no way in hell you’re going to just sit on the sidelines and watch him get hurt. You quickly pull the radar onto the screen to find the direction the Keishun are heading.

“It looks like they’re heading north, towards Suyeong-gu.” Your voice cracks slightly as you say this.

If he recognized the hesitance in your words, he didn’t show it. “I’m on it. Boosters engaged!” He calls.

Without even a glance, he takes off from the meka base and toward the Keishun. You kept telling yourself not to cry. You have to stay focused right now, you don’t have time to cry. You pulled the mech’s dash camera on to the screen, this way you could see exactly what he sees. You also pulled up a screen from the mecha hud, in order to monitor Jeongguk’s vitals.

You watched as he soared through the sky. The enemy’s small dots on the radar grew closer and closer to Bunny’s. The aircrafts took form before the camera on the dash. They’re much smaller than you had expected, about half the size of a jet. However, you knew better than anyone not to dismiss the omnic based on the size of the aircraft. The body of the craft is flat and triangular with four cord like appendages spinning behind it. As stupid as it sounds, it reminds you a little of a mechanical squid.

The omnics spot Jeongguk immediately and aim a barrage of missiles toward him. The missiles streak through the sky at an unforgiving speed, but Jeongguk was a step ahead.

“Activating Defense Matrix.” You hear his voice through your headset, tone calm and even.

The missiles soar into the matrix and explode meters away from their obvious target. Jeongguk gave them no time to react before flying into an attack of his own. He wove through the sky and aimed his micro missiles at the nearest omnic, effectively removing it from the battle. The remaining three went separate ways; One retreating, one racing towards the meka base, and the last flew straight towards the city.

“Watch it, Guk! They’re splitting up.” You warn, voice tense.

“I see it!” He calls as he races toward the omnic retreating.

You don’t care what Jeongguk said, you’re calling Jimin for backup. You quickly type in the code to have the meka base system send for help. You pray Jimin will make it there in time.

 Bunny caught up to the enemy in mere seconds. Jeongguk flew above the omnic and shot it down from above. ‘Two down, two to go.’, you thought. Maybe you shouldn’t have signaled for Jimin to come. Just as you thought that, the Keishun omnic that was headed toward the base flipped around and headed straight for Bunny.

“Jeongguk! Behind you!” You cry, feeling your heart jump into your throat..

Caught of guard, he turned Bunny around just to be thrown in the midst of the enemy’s missile attack. He didn’t have enough time to activate his Defense Matrix, he’d have to try and dodge the oncoming missiles. He swerved sharply to the right, but he wasn’t fast enough to save Bunny’s left arm.

“Dammit.” He growled through clenched teeth. He aims for the Keishun using only his right fusion cannon. His bullets caught the enemy’s craft and the omnic fell from the sky.

“Y/n. Where’s the last one?”

“He’s headed toward the city. You’ll have to hurry.”

Jeongguk whipped the mech towards the city and sped off, pushing Bunny as fast as she could go. You could hear his bated breaths through the headset and his pleas for Bunny to make it there in time. Your chest felt tight and you thought you were going to puke. You gripped the desk fiercely, knuckles white, in a desperate attempt to ground yourself.

With the last omnic in sight, Bunny unleashed an array of missiles and bullets toward the enemy. You’ve never seen Jeongguk miss a shot, never, but this time he missed. Something definitely feels off. You check Bunny’s hud for Jeongguk’s vitals and run a quick damage report on Bunny. Jeongguk is fine, but he had pushed Bunny too hard. Her boosters are beginning to fail, which is causing the mech to drag.  

“Guk, Jimin should be on-” The remaining omnic took you both by surprise. It turns it’s aim from the city and races toward Guk’s mech. He raises Bunny’s right fusion cannon to aim, but it’s too late. The omnic slams into Bunny and wraps it’s four tentacle-like arms around them. Jeongguk tries to aim the right fusion cannon towards the omnic, but the omnic was too strong and snapped the mech’s arm clean off. The Keishun was trying to crush the mech.

“Y/n. I need your help. I need you to override Bunny’s system.” His voice is calm and sure. If he’s afraid, you can’t tell.

“I-I can’t. You know that will cause her to self destruct.” You say. You didn’t realize you’ve been crying until you heard your voice crack. Dammit. This isn’t the time. You will yourself to pull it together.

“I’ll be fine, y/n. Trust me.” He tells you softly. To your right, you can see Jimin’s meka on the landing strip getting ready for take off. You quickly send Bunny’s coordinated to Jimin’s meka. He will be there soon. You just need to buy him a little time.

“I need you to buy me a few minutes to override the system. Can you do that, Jeon?” You’re lying through your teeth. You know each program on that mech like the back of your hand. You could do it in seconds, but he doesn’t need to know that.

“Hell yeah, I can.”

He uses what’s left of Bunny’s left arm to swing at the omnic. You hear the sharp sound of crunching metal as he lands the hit.  He grabs his hand-held blaster from beside him, sticks his arm underneath Bunny’s windshield and fires at the omnics lower left arm. The metallic tentacle falls dead weight. Out of the corner of your eye, you watch Jimin’s mech take flight toward the city. So you begin to override the system.

“Alright, I’ve got it. You have sixty seconds until Bunny self destructs. Jimin will be there to catch you.”

“That’s not fast enough! We’ll be in the city by then. It’s gotta be now.” He says. You can hear the distinct clicks of the back hatch opening. You know exactly what he’s planning and your eyes widen with panic.

“Jeongguk, don’t you fucking dare.” You cry, vision blurring.

“I’ll be alright, y/n. I’ll see you soon, okay?” He didn’t give you any time to answer. He ejects himself from the mech, uses his blaster to take careful aim at Bunny’s core and fires.

You run to the window in time to see a green light flash across the sky. You know somewhere Jeongguk has fallen into the water bellow.

_____________________________________

Jeongguk can only remember small fragments of events after the initial blast. He remembers briefly fighting against the water with his lungs burning and his legs heavy. He remembers a bright light shining down on him and people shouting as the waves lapped against his listless aching body. He remembers your warm hand grasping his as he was being wheeled along under fluorescent lights. He could here your pleas for him to hold on. He wished he weren’t so tired. He wished he could squeeze your hand back and tell you he was alright.

The lights were bright and they make his eyes ache. He wishes someone would turn them off, or at least dim them. Jeongguk turns his head to the side and finds you curled up in a chair, staring out the window. He wonders what you’re thinking about. He swallows harshly, lips and throat feeling dry.

“Hey.” You hear him say, voice hoarse and tired.

You reply with a soft ‘Hi’, attention still on the street bellow. You feel exhausted. You haven’t been able to sleep since he’s been in the hospital. The doctors have offered you a bed and pills to help you fall asleep, but you don’t want them. You wanted to be here when he woke up. Now, you’re really not sure why. You’d cried all day yesterday, how do you still have anything left?

Nonetheless, you felt tears spill down your cheeks. You really don’t want him to see you cry. He hates it when you cry.

“How long have I been out?” He asks, wincing as he moved to sit up. His arms and back are still so sore. He wonders how far he fell.

“Two days, not too long.” Your voice is barely above a whisper.

“Are you crying? God, please don’t cry. You have the ugliest crying face.” He teases you, hoping to ease the tension surrounding the room.

You turn toward him feeling absolutely furious. Standing up, you march to his bedside and deliver a sharp smack to the back of his head.

“Ow, what the hell is the matter with you?” He rubs his head glaring at you.

“What the hell is the matter with YOU? Do you know what it’s been like fucking waiting here while you were in surgery? While you’ve been sleeping? This whole thing could have been prevented if you’d just let someone help you, but God forbid you let someone else steal your fucking spotlight. You run headfirst into these life or death situations without thinking of the consequences and I’m fucking sick of it. I never should’ve let you go out there alone. I should’ve locked Bunny down and made your dumbass wait for backup. Never again, Jeongguk. I swear. I’ll never let anything like this happen again…” Your eyes are brimmed with tears and burning with a kind of anger Jeongguk has never seen from you.

“Do you really think I did all that for a headline or two?” He sounded sincerely hurt and you almost felt bad for implying that.

“I don’t know, Jeongguk. I can’t figure out if you’re extremely selfish or just stupidly selfless. All I know is that I can’t watch you kill yourself.”

“I'm not gonna die, y/n. Jesus. Will you please-”

“I love you too much for that. I….I don’t think I can be your mechanic anymore.” You cut him off, tone much softer than before. You’ve been thinking about this for weeks now and you wish it hadn’t come down to this, but it feels like it has too. You can’t watch him destroy himself with his reckless decisions.

“Y/n…..I can’t do this without you. This isn’t about fame, it never has been. I just want to protect this country and everyone I love. I’ll admit, I should have waited for backup. I pushed Bunny to hard and I destroyed her. I did it to protect everyone, not for the fame. Please, I need you there…” Ignoring the plea of his body to stay resting, he leaned forward and took your hand.

You couldn’t look at him right now because you know you’d give him anything he wanted if you did. You muffled a sob with your other hand. Why does he have to make this so difficult for you?

He tugged you closer to him with a grimace and you didn’t put up a fight. You know you should have, but you couldn’t. Not when you heard the break in his voice as he whispered ‘come here’. He pulled you close and felt the sobs you had been fighting rake through your body. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat and held you as close he possibly could.

“I know I’m reckless. I know I don’t think things through like I should, but I can try to be more careful. I'll take a break even. I just…. I didn’t know it upset you so much. Please, y/n. Just stay.”

“I'm sorry, Jeongguk. I-I'm so sorry.”

You tried to pull away, but he just held you even tighter. You felt his tears soak through the shoulder of your shirt. Why are you so weak? Your mind was screaming at you to get up and leave, but you just couldn't. Not with him choking out hysterical apologies and clinging to you the way he is. The dam was broken now and every little emotion that he had held back was hitting him full force. You couldn’t leave him like this. Your resolve was crumbling fast, but it didn’t matter anymore.

You laid down next to him and he clung to you. You ran your fingers through his hair while he cried. His shaky breath began to slow down and you knew he was falling asleep. You let your mind wonder.

Maybe, you could stay. Maybe, he meant what he said and he just didn’t know how seriously this affected you and those around him. Maybe, you’re just thinking too hopefully. Maybe, you’re just exhausted and incapable of making any kind of decisions right now.

“I love you, Guk.” you whispered to him. You doubt he heard it.

Your eyes felt too heavy to keep open and you let yourself finally drift into sleep.

___________________________________

You were gone when he woke up. He should've been able to predict that, but it still stung. He'd hoped that maybe you would change your mind, as selfish as that sounds. Maybe he should listen to you. He’s been in battles much worse, but this time around even he couldn't deny that he had taken it too far.

Did he really expect to be able to live a long and healthy life like this? You're right and he knew it. It's just hard to understand the reality of the situation. He needed to make some changes. It seemed dramatic when you said it, but it's true. He's killing himself and he can't keep it up anymore.

He tapped the button to call the nurses in. His head was pounding and he wasn't sure if it was the injuries or the thoughts swirling around his skull. He wandered where his phone was, if someone would bring it to him. He's ready to give up piloting mekas for good if that's what it took to keep you there. None of it really mattered if you weren't by his side. He loves you and it’s time for him to tell you.

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball Movie 1: Curse of the Blood Rubies

I wanted to cover the movies during this liveblog, so I decided the best way to do that was to try to do them as they came out alongside the episodes of the TV show.   Movie 1 premiered at the Toei Cartoon Festival on December 20, 1986, right after Episode 43 aired on television.   From what I read on Kaizenshuu.com, the idea was that Toei would run these film festivals when kids were on break from school.   So if you were a huge Dragon Ball fan in 1986, you could watch Episode 43 on TV, bug your parents to take you to see Movie 1 in theaters, and then catch Episode 44 a few days later.   But they were screening the Cartoon Festival for at least a few weeks after December 20, so I’m sure a lot of fans saw it later.   Anyway, I’m trying to replicate that general chronology. 

For my part, this was one of the last pieces of Dragon Ball anime I purchased, because it took years for an official Funimation dub to be released in the U.S.   For a long time, the rights to distribute Movie 1 and the first thirteen episodes of Dragon Ball in the U.S. were held up by KidMark, and Funimation didn’t secure the rights until about 2009 or so.   That was when they released the “Blue Brick” box sets, which included the first thirteen episodes, but not the movie.   That wasn’t released until 2010.    So I’ve only seen this thing once before today.

Truthfully, I’m not a big fan of the movie, because it’s a sort of retelling of the original Dragon Ball storyline, only with a new villan and other new characters included.   Several later films would adopt this same formula, most notably “Path to Power” in 1996, but also the bootleg live action films “Dragon Ball: The Magic Begins” (made in Taiwan) and “Fight Son Goku, Win Son Goku” (made in Korea).   And “Dragon Ball Evolution” looks an awful lot like a retelling of the first 13 episodes of Dragon Ball, only with Piccolo as the villain and Chi-Chi as a love interest for Goku.     I get it, it’s a good story, and maybe it’s worth repeating, but I just read the original version a couple of weeks ago.    My favorite thing about Dragon Ball is how the story keeps expanding and moving in new directions, not rehashing the same stuff over and over.

We open with the Toei logo.   When you see this, you know some serious shit’s about to go down.  And the movie does start out with some really gorgeous visuals and animation, mostly setting up the concept of what the Dragon Balls are.

Then we start in the Land of Gurumes, where the local ecology is being ravaged by strip mining.    One little girl named Pansy tries to fight back by shooting a worker with a slingshot, and her father stands up to the royal guards when they try to punish her. 

But the king has stronger henchmen to keep guys like him in line.   Bongo, for example, isn’t interested in any sob stories about the EPA or sick children or whatever.   He thinks the rubies they’re digging up from the ground more than make up for whatever environmental damage is being caused.  Then he jumps in a car with his partner Pasta and they head back to the castle.

Is... Is that Kato?   Well, whatever, Bongo and Pasta report to King Gurumes that they’ve located another Dragon Ball, and he’s pretty pleased to hear that, since he’s starving to death.    According to his ramblings, only the tastiest food can satisfy his hunger, and he’s reached the limit of what the finest cooks and chefs and prepare for him.   If I’m understanding this correctly, once he eats something, it can no longer satisfy him ever again.    So he wants the Dragon Balls so he can ask Shenron to finally put an end to his hunger.   I’m not sure if he means a cure for his curse, or if he just wants to wish for the world’s most delicious food. 

Then we check in on Goku, who’s basically playing out the same story we’ve seen before.   He catches a fish, Bulma hits him with her car motorcycle, but this time, there’s a plane landing in Goku’s backyard.   Goku notices Bulma’s Dragon Ball, and she explains it to him, and then she realizes that whoever’s in the plane is trying to take the Dragon Ball Goku has at his house.  

By the time they arrive, Pasta and Bongo have already left, and they’ve dropped off a gold coin, apparently as payment for Gokus’ Dragon Ball.  Bulma whips out a plane of her own to give chase, and while she manages to take out Pasta’s Dragon Radar, they still get shot down, and Pasta and Bongo get away.  

Bulma and Goku continue their search by car, and they happen to drive by Pansy, who is being menaced by Oolong.   Bulma sees to Pansy while Goku chases Oolong away, but this leads them straight into...

...Puar, and his sidekick Yamcha.   Wait.  

Yamcha and Goku fight, just like they did in the TV seres, but with a bigger animation budget, and then Bulma shows up and Yamcha falls off a ledge, knocking out one of his teeth.   

Later, Bulma and Pansy compare notes in a mobile home.  I assume it’s Oolong’s, since it’s like the one he had in the original story, but Bulma never lost her own capsules in this version, so it might be hers.   Pansy’s plan is to seek help from Master Roshi.    According to her, King Gurumes was corrupted by the “Rich Stones”, which is what they call the rubies they’re mining out of the ground.   I can see why the English dubs refer to them as “Blood Rubies”, since that’s a much more dramatic name. 

What I don’t understand is whether the Blood Rubies actually have some sort of magic power to curse people, or if Gurumes has simply succumbed to plain old greed.  I guess you’d need a magic curse to explain his distorted appearance and insatiable hunger.   But did he eat a Blood Ruby at some point?   Pasta and Bongo want the Blood Ruby mining to continue as well, so why haven’t they been cursed as well?   Anyway, Gurumes is obsessed with accumulating more and more Blood Rubies, even though he already has tons of them in his royal treasury, and even though he’s currently suffering from his hunger problems. 

Bulma agrees to take Pansy to Master Roshi, since they share a common enemy, however, when Roshi meets them, he accuses Goku of plotting to kill him.  Turns out Yamcha was spying on Bulma and Pansy’s conversation, and he hatched a scheme to get to Roshi first and trick him into taking out Goku for him, so that he could secure the Dragon Balls for himself. 

Wait, that doesn’t make sense.  Gurumes has most of the Dragon Balls right now.  Six of them, actually.   What good would it do Yamcha to eliminate Goku now?  Well, it doesn’t matter for long, since Roshi summons the Kinto’Un to see who’s telling the truth.   When Goku proves he’s pure of heart by riding Kinto’Un, Yamcha’s deception is exposed, so he runs away.

Then Pasta and Bongo show up in a submarine and bombard Roshi’s island. Roshi gets pissed about his house being blown up and retaliates with a Kamehameha wave, which drives the bad guys away.    Naturaly, Goku wants to learn it too, and he manages to imitate it on his first try. 

At that point, Bulma notices the Dragon Ball hanging from Roshi’s neck, and he agrees to give it to her if he can touch her boobs.   So Bulma gets Oolong to shape-shift into a fake Bulma and... yeah we all saw Episode 8.   Same thing.  

Incidentally, Bulma got a haircut sometime before they arrived at Roshi’s place.   In the first half of the movie, she looks like this:

But after she arrives on Roshi’s Island she looks like this:

I mean, that’s a lot of hair to lose from one scene to another, isn’t it?  

The gang finally heads for the Land of Gurumes to take the fight to him.   Pansy asked Roshi to help them, but he said no, because as a martials arts master, he’s become too far removed from the affairs of the outside world, or some other B.S.   I’m pretty sure the real reason he doesn’t come along is because he didn’t join Bulma and Goku in the manga either, but he can’t just say that out loud. 

He tells Pansy that she’s already got a fine group of friends to help her, so everything out to work out for her.   This really sounds like a cop-out.   I think we’re supposed to believe that Roshi has wisely sensed that Goku and the others are more than enough to save the day, and yeah, he’s right, but it really makes him look like a heel.  Like, what else does Roshi have to do today?   His house is gone, so I’m pretty sure his schedule just cleared up for the next several days.

There’s a cool scene where Bulma uses Oolong’s shape-shifting powers to frighten off Gurumes’ henchmen, only they end up running into Puar, who was doing the same thing for Yamcha.   See, he’s trying to secure the Dragon Balls for himself because he wants to get over his fear of girls, just like in the original version of this story, you see, so it’s very clever. 

Really, the only interesting parts of this movie are when the new characters do things, like when Pasta attacks Bulma, and Yamcha has no choice but to rush to her defense.   He battles Pasta for a while, and does okay until her mask comes off and he realizes he’s been fighting a girl the whole time.   Then he saves Bulma from a falling rock, and I’m bored again because he saved Bulma from different things back in Pilaf’s castle in the original story.  

Goku has a decent battle with Bongo, who flies around on some sort of hoverboard, so that’s pretty cool.    Finally they all get to Gurumes’ dining hall, and he suddenly turns into a giant monster.

This is what I find really disappointing about this movie.  Gurumes looks like a pretty cool boss villan on the poster, but he spends most of the film in shadow, and when he finally does step out into the light, he’s become a hulkng, mindless brute.   And I’m fine with that development, but I wanted more of what Gurumes was before he succumbed to his mutation.   As it is, I can’t tell if Pasta and Bongo were manipulating him from the start, or if he was the true mastermind of this whole scheme, and he was too twisted and evil to realize it was a fool’s errand.  Well, we won’t get any answers now, because he forgot how to talk.

Goku tries to stop Gurumes with a Kamehameha, but it doesn’t even scratch the guy.  While that goes on, Bulma checks her radar and realizes that the other six Dragon Balls are inside Gurumes’ body.   So he ate them?   Was he that crazed with hunger, or was there actually some purpose to that?  

Bulma decides the only thing to do is toss the seventh Dragon Ball into Gurumes mouth, and summon the Dragon while they’re all together inside his tummy.   And that seems to stop him, so this is the first time Bulma beat the bad guy.   Good hustle, Bulma.   

Shenron emerges, and the whole castle is wrecked, so I would think Gurumes has been completely destroyed.  Bulma and Yamcha are too stunned to make their wish, so Pansy cries out that her people don’t want the Blood Rubies, and she only wants the land restored to the way it was before.   Shenron grants her request, and as the land transforms, all the rubies start floating out of the ground.

Pasta is horrified to see this, because it means the complete ruination of her plans.   Also, I think Bongo might be dead?  Gurumes stepped on him, and he never moved much after that.  Goku hands her back the coin she paid him for his Dragon Ball, and I’m pretty sure that’s all the money she has left after everything that’s happened.  Bulma and Yamcha find each other, because that’s what happened in the original story, yadda yadda, and then...

Okay, so King Gurumes is back to normal?   I guess?   How the hell did he survive Shenron coming out of his body?   His castle sure didn’t.  And why does he look like that?   Was he always that ugly, or is he still changing back?  Maybe he suffered some permanent damage from the curse?   Anyway, he’s still hungry, so Pansy hands him an apple, which he finds surprisingly delicious.   Pansy’s dad gives him shit about it, as if the apple had been the solution to his problem all along, if only he hadn’t been corrupted by his own greed.  Maybe that was the moral of the story, but I’m betting Gurumes has eaten apples before now.   I think he’s ony confused because the curse has finally been lifted.  

But why was it lifted?  Is it because Shenron removed all the Blood Rubies?   Was that all Gurumes had to do?   Just chuck them in a dumpster?   Where did Shenron put all the Blood Rubies?  Did he throw them into the sun?   Did he bury them in some other king’s backyard?    This is how you get Curse of the Blood Rubies II, you know?

The movie ends with Goku running off on his new flying cloud, and thinking about how big and interesting the world it, yada yada.  It’s a decent movie with some breathtaking animation in places, but it’s not very satisfying when it borrows so much from other material that we’ve already seen before.   I really wanted to see more of Pansy, Gurumes, Bongo, and Pasta, but we couldn’t get that because we had to go over Yamcha’s motivation one more time, and remix the story of how Master Roshi gave Goku the Flying Nimbus. 

[lexosaurus]

Xmas Truce 2017

This one’s for @phantomfighter724. Happy holidays!

Danny hunched over the toilet, his body cleansing itself of everything it didn't like. His breakfast, bile—it all pooled in the murky water below.

He leaned his head down against the porcelain seat. He gave a halfhearted attempt at shifting his arms to support his sweaty face before giving up. His entire body felt like lead. His brain was clouded. He was a mess.

His stomach growled and he let out a whine of frustration. "What the hell," he muttered under his breath. What the hell was happening to him?

Out of the corner of his eye his phone lit up, and for a second he wondered why it was thrown haphazardly against the corner of the wall before he recalled tossing it out of his hand in his blind panic to reach the toilet on time. He winced, and braced himself for the worst. Fortunately, after a brief inspection, he found no additional cracks in his screen other than the small one in the corner he got from one of Skulker's brilliantly-failed attempts at kidnapping him.

A new message from Valerie popped up on the screen, and despite his situation he could help but grin a little. Befriending Valerie after she discovered his secret—connecting Dani's halfa status to his a little too easily—was a long, strenuous process. At first, it even seemed impossible, if their blatant disregard for the other's existence in school was anything to go by. But pent-up teenage emotion coupled with the constant necessity of teamwork during field-work eventually lead to an explosive argument. Valerie's hurt, Danny's insecurities, both of their mistrust in each other, everything came to light. It was violent, even if no blood was shed, and they walked away having said too many things they couldn't take back. Danny thought they were through.

They were, for a time. The silence didn't let up, but something shifted. Instead of angry silence, the air around them was uncomfortable. It was awkward, weird. Danny had never felt so unsure of how to act since his first day walking into Casper High two years ago. He was fourteen, and he had no idea what the hell he was supposed to do.

It was Valerie who broke the silence first, sending him a text reading, “I can’t do this anymore. Let’s meet up for coffee after my shift ends today.”

That conversation was different. They actually listened rather than spewing out the first thing they could think of through their red-tinted eyesight. And while the duo spoke with blunt honesty, they were delicate with their words. Respectful of the situation.

At some point after that, Valerie joined him on his nightly patrols. Danny wasn't sure why, but he chose not to question it. At first they wouldn't talk other than the obligatory, "Ghost of there," or "Watch out," but it was a step. A tiny step, but a step nonetheless.

After about a week of this, however, Danny thought he was going to lose his mind over the stupid tension. So he choked out the first thing he could think of, "So...the weather."

It was by far the worst conversation starter in the book, and he could have sworn he saw Valerie nearly lose her balance on her hoverboard. His own face burned green, and he ducked down a few feet under her in a brilliant attempt to hide his embarrassment. Valerie definitely noticed, but for some reason she chose to go along with it.

So they talked. Their first conversation was nothing but superficial, the kind of small-talk one would have when dragged along to a dinner-party with their parents, but it marked the beginning of a budding friendship between the duo. Eventually, those nightly patrols turned into after-school homework sessions and then just Friday night hangouts. While all of their problems didn't disappear overnight, they worked through them. As friends. And then, eventually...

Received: 11:24am

Val: Hey, how you feeling?<3

Danny shook his head, as if attempting to clear the fog, and typed back a response. 

Danny: not sure...i think it's getting worse

Val: Want me to come over?

Danny: don't bother i can handle it

Val: Ok I'm coming over.

Danny: seriously it's prob nothing bad

Val: Do you like tomato soup or chicken noodle better?

Danny: val it's a ghost thing u don't have to worry it'll probably pass soon

Val: Ok I'm bring both I'll be there in 10

Danny: ...ok

As stubborn as Danny could be, Valerie was worse. Danny wasn’t even sure why he still resisted her kindness, even if they were dating. Maybe it was his pride? Maybe he didn’t want to get her sick? Maybe he was still insecure about himself and felt less-than and unworthy of any amount of affection? Who knew, really.

Another pang of hunger swept through his body and he sighed, leaning against the wall for support. He closed his eyes and let the dizziness sweep over him. It was probably just a ghost flu, right? It had to pass soon, didn't it?

Ever since a particularly bad fight against Vortex, he's felt off. At first, he was just a little lightheaded. Ok, no big deal, he just had to drink water. Powerade. And for a time, that worked okay. Not great, but it put a band-aid over the issue for a bit.

That was, until the hunger-pains started. He woke up one day hungry. His body clenched up as if he hadn't eaten in days, despite having a large dinner the night before. He wolfed down his morning cereal, ignoring his mom's comments about his appetite, and took off for school. Instead of feeling ready to start the school day, he felt awful. His stomach still was cramped, and waves of nausea washed over him. A few days into this cycle later, his body finally gave up and he found himself hunched over a toilet halfway through first period.

Sam all but dragged him to the nurses office that day, forcing him to get a note to go home. He slept for the rest of that day—or tried his best—but whatever was wrong with him, it didn't pass. The next day he woke up, his hunger even stronger than the day before. He tried to force himself to eat something, but he couldn't. Even though his body screamed at him for anything goddamnit, his morning cereal looked...unappetizing. Gross. 

Of course, Danny hadn't gotten so much as a cold since gaining his ghostly half. Sam had a theory that the ectoplasm coursing through his blood burned off any unwanted bacteria or viruses in his body. That theory, as uneducated of a guess as it was, was more likely true than not. It would also explain the lack of infections Danny's gotten, even though his blood has been exposed to the air too many times to be healthy for a normal human.

Ah well, just another thing to add to the never ending list of everything that separated him from other humans.

That didn't mean he hasn't gotten sick, though. As rare as they were, ghostly viruses did exist in the Ghost Zone. Danny managed to contract the ghostly flu last year, which made his powers glitch as bad as the first month after the portal accident. Tucker being Tucker found it absolutely hysterical, and made sure to stock up on as much blackmail material as he could over the duration of his illness. Although that wasn't Danny's first time being an internet meme, the gif of him inexplicably falling from the sky and crashing into a tree was possibly his most embarrassing publicly documented moment to date.

A knock on the door broke Danny out of his thoughts.

“Come in,” he said weakly.

"Hey Danny," Val pushed her way in the door, a plastic shopping bag hanging off of one of her arms.

Danny struggled up in a feeble attempt to sit a bit straighter. He was vaguely aware of the distinct odor coming from the toilet beside him. He was lucky Valerie has seen him in worse conditions before.

She sat down next to him. "How you feeling?"

"I don't know," he shrugged, all false bravado flying out the window.

She quietly surveyed the scene before her. Danny's pale, sickly face beaded with sweat. Purple circles laid under his sunken-in eyes. He clutched the hem of his shirt and averted his gaze to the side.

She pursed her lips, "Danny, you look like shit."

Danny snorted. "I feel like shit."

"I can see why Jazz forced you to stay home from patrol this week."

At the mention of patrol, Danny’s eyes lit up. “How are the ghosts this week? Have you been okay on your own? Has the Box Ghost been bothering you too much? Do you need any help tonight?”

A light smile touched Valerie’s lips. Even though it was an unspoken rule not to mention Danny’s obsession outright, she still found other ways to poke fun at him for it. “Danny, you can barely stand. Chill.”

A blush crept on Danny’s cheeks, and he rolled his eyes as another wave of nausea hit him at once. Before Valerie could so much as blink, Danny had lunged at the toilet bowl, dry heaving up any molecules still left in his stomach.

A pang of worry shot through Valerie. She frowned and reached over to gently rub his back, “This is getting worse.”

“I...know...” Danny ground out between coughs.

“I know you don’t want to...but I think we should call Vlad.”

He froze.

“He might know what’s going on,” Valerie said.

“Val, no. We can’t trust him,” Danny said, his voice cold.

Valerie crossed her arms and huffed. "Come on, don’t be thick. You’re a halfa, Vlad’s a halfa. Whatever you think about him—fine. But this has been going on for over a month now and it’s only getting worse. You need help, Fenton. You need someone’s help who actually understands halfa biology. Vlad’s the man for that, whether you like it or not.”

Danny slumped his shoulders. “Okay, you have a point.”

“Thank you,” Valerie said under her breath as she took out her phone. She scrolled through her contacts till she got to Vlad’s name, and hesitated. She hadn’t contacted him in months. After the whole debacle with Dani, she kept her contact with him at a minimum. When Vlad realized she knew Danny’s secret and by default, his, he stopped contacting her altogether. Interestingly enough, packages of replacement/upgraded weapons occasionally appear at her doorstep. She knew Danny noticed when broken equipment was suddenly replaced or she got a new gun, but he was kind enough to leave it alone.

Another retch from her boyfriend beside her was all she needed to finally push down on the button. She put the phone on speaker. After only two rings, the voice of an older man appeared on the other end of the line.

“Valerie, dear. To what do I owe the pleasure? Is your equipment working fine?”

Danny tensed at Vlad’s silky tone. He opened his mouth to respond with a biting comment, but his stomach had another idea.

Worry creased Vlad’s next words. “Valerie? What’s happening? Is everything alright?”

“Fine—I’m fine, Mr. Masters,” Valerie said, her eyes not leaving Danny’s figure. “Uh, it’s Danny.”

“Daniel? What’s wrong with him?”

“We’re, um, not sure. He can’t stop throwing up. He doesn’t...Halfas can’t get human illnesses, right?”

“Right...” Vlad muttered. “Valerie, I’m presuming I’m on speaker phone?”

“Yeah,” Valerie said.

“Alright then. Daniel?” Vlad called out.

“What.” Danny said flatly.

“Can you describe your symptoms to me please?” Vlad asked.

Danny closed his eyes and said, “Uh, I can’t...I can’t hold anything down. Every time I try to eat something it comes back up. I’m really dizzy and...I guess...I mean, I’ve had these stomach pains for a few weeks now. And headaches too. I’m sure it’s nothing but Valerie—”

“This has been going on for a month and it’s not getting any better, Vlad. We’re not sure what to do.”

“I’m glad you called me,” Vlad said, his tone much more serious than a minute ago. 

“What is it?” Danny asked at the same time Valerie demanded, “Is everything going to be okay?”

There was a pause. 

“Valerie, do you mind stepping out of the room for a second?” 

Danny, despite his weak state, managed to push himself away from the toilet and grab the phone out of Valerie’s hands with inhuman speed. “What is it, fruitloop? Just spit it out.”

“Daniel, I know this may come as a shock to you but I do care about you,” Vlad said. “You know, this may not be a good conversation to have over the phone. Give me a minute. Daniel, I presume you’re in the bathroom upstairs?”

“...Yes.”

“Perfect.”

The phone line went dead and Danny slumped against the wall. He glanced over to the toilet and wrinkled his nose at the smell of his own stomach acid. With an abnormal amount of effort, he managed to flush the toilet.

“Sorry,” he glanced over to Valerie. “Sorry to drag you into this mess.”

“Danny, stop,” Valerie clipped, kissing his forehead lightly. “You’re my boyfriend and you’re ill. I’m not going to leave you to deal with this by yourself. I know you won’t let Sam or Tucker over but I’m not a pushover, okay?”

Danny rolled his eyes to counter the blush that tinted his cheeks. “Yeah, okay. I still...I know this ghost stuff can make you uncomfortable and I don’t want to ever put you in a position where you—”

“Oh my god, Fenton,” Valerie groaned. “Keep that up and this stupid bug isn’t going to be the only thing that’s gonna kill you.”

The room temperature dropped a few degrees. Danny and Valerie’s heads whipped over to the door where Vlad Masters walked through, dropping his invisibility.

"Mr. Masters!”

“Vlad.”

“Is everything alright with Danny?”

“Everything’s going to be fine,” Vlad said.

Valerie would have breathed a sigh of relief if not for the grave look on his face as he surveyed the scene. “My my, you’ve let this get worse than I thought. I’m not sure if I have enough here for you...”

“Enough of what?” Danny asked.

Vlad sighed. “Daniel, are you sure you don’t want Valerie to leave?”

Danny glared up at him. “We’re a team, Vlad.”

"I can handle whatever you throw at us,” Valerie confirmed, letting her chest swell out in pride at Danny’s affirmation. Regardless of any of her past prejudices, she loved Danny. She didn’t care whatever ghostly-illness he had, she was going to get through this with him.

“Okay, it’s...not for the faint of heart though, Little Badger,” Vlad said, closing his eyes.

Something in Danny clicked, and he felt his eyes soften. Whatever this was...it was really bothering Vlad. “It’s okay, Vlad,” he said softly. “I can handle this.”

“Alright then,” Vlad nodded. “Daniel, you know you have a ghost core. It’s responsible for regulating and replenishing ectoplasm in your body.”

“I know this,” Danny said, looking quizzically up at Vlad. “I have an ice core.”

“Right,” Vlad said. “In normal ghosts, this is enough and they can live an eternity with their cores working fine. This isn’t quite the case with halfas though.”

“What do you mean?”

“As you know, Daniel, you’re more powerful than most ghosts. But you’re not a full-ghost. Scientifically speaking, we’re anomalies. Scientific paradoxes. We shouldn’t exist, and our cores know this.”

Alarms blared through Valerie’s brain. “You mean his core is trying to kill him?”

“Not quite,” Vlad said steadily. “But his core cannot keep up with his body’s demands. Halfa cores have to regulate not just ectoplasm, but how the ectoplasm interacts with the living aspects of the human in such a way that it won’t kill you. On top of that, you frequently expelling ectoplasm in forms like powerful ghost-rays puts more pressure on your already overworked core. Your core simply doesn’t have enough energy to do what you demand of it.”

“Hence the hunger,” Danny said, his blue eyes looking down.

“Exactly.”

Valerie ran a hand through her hair. “What’s the solution?”

Vlad reached into his pockets and pulled out a few vials filled with a familiar looking green substance. “Listen to your body, Little Badger. Your body is craving ectoplasm. You need to drink it.”

Realization hit Danny like a ton of bricks. “But isn’t that...that’s...”

“Low-level ecto-puses I took from Skulker’s care last week,” Vlad confirmed. “Purified ecto-plasm. You start developing a need for this once your halfa body solidifies its core. Think of it like a ghostly-puberty, if you will.”

“No...”

“Danny,” Valerie reached out and took Danny’s hand gently. “You’re starving yourself.”

“No, Val, you don’t understand—”

“I do,” Valerie looked at him, her gaze strong. “You said earlier that you didn’t want me to be uncomfortable around the ghostly-aspects of your life. Well, I’m not. There’s no other option, Danny. You’re going to die if you don’t drink the vials. You need to do this.”

Danny shook his head. “I—I can’t.”

Valerie wrapped her hands around Danny’s shoulders and leaned in, kissing him. It was gentle, reassuring, and comforting. Danny relished her touch.

“You can do this,” Valerie said, breaking it off. “You’re strong, Danny. You can do this.”

“Okay,” Danny took the vials. 

“Little Badger,” Vlad said, meeting Danny’s eyes. “I’ve been doing this for a while now, you know. I...I can give you the vials if you want. Your moral compass is, well it’s different than mine. I know this is hard for you. It will get easier but, if you would like, you can just let me know when you need vials and I’ll give them to you.”

Danny breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks, Vlad. It means a lot.”

Vlad nodded, a rare kind smile dotting his lips. 

Danny’s glanced one more time at his girlfriend before slowly opening the first vial. The metallic smell of ectoplasm tickled his nose and he found himself raising the vial to his lips.

[adambstingus]

7 Dumb Back To The Future Products You Won’t Believe Existed

A good 80 percent of Cracked’s content is devoted to peeling back the kaleidoscopic layers of WTF-ness contained within Back To The Future, but this article isn’t about that. Nope, this is about an even more ridiculous topic: the many confounding ways people tried to squeeze big bucks out of the Back To The Future flicks.

This ordinary tale of a time-travelling eccentric and his pet teenager has spawned such baffling shit as …

#7. The Back To The Future Cartoon Was A Fucking Crazy Parade

As we’ve mentioned before on the site, Doc Brown’s character-concluding decision to father children with a historically dead woman and blast through time in a screeching lightning train was reckless at best. And so it’s only natural that the 1991 Back To The Future TV show would follow the horrific mishaps of this family, sandwiched with live-action science demonstrations by Christopher Lloyd and an oddly mute Bill Nye.

They’re like the Penn and Teller of mad science.

But despite its audience of the young and curious, an average episode of Back To The Future: The Animated Series played out like Rick And Morty episodes Adult Swim rejected for being too bleak. Don’t believe us? The pilot for the series starts with Doc’s younger son Verne stealing the time machine and traveling to the Civil War … followed by Doc finding a photo revealing that little Verne died for the Confederate Army.

“But hey, it says here that the Alabama chapter of the KKK is named in his honor.”

Doc eventually prevents this by creating a truce between Verne’s Confederate pals and the Union, and the gang happily flies home like they didn’t just irrevocably alter the outcome of a Civil War battle. That’s basically the story of the series, as Doc, Marty, and Doc’s kids manhandle historical moments while Doc’s wife Clara waits back home with sandwiches.

In the third goddamn episode, Doc brings his kids to the very moment the dinosaurs are wiped out by a meteor, saving the group by hastily stopping the comet and changing the future into a lizard-ruled wasteland. (One of said lizards looks like Biff, implying that a Tannen once fucked a dinosaur.)

This means that Doc is forced to go back and kill the dinosaurs himself, re-altering his actions so that the meteor gets back on a collision course with Earth … but not before one of his kids befriends a scared pterodactyl. So how does Doc handle this unfortunate attachment? Obviously, the rest of the series would involve the group goofing around with their adopted dino friend. I mean, otherwise, he’d have to …

… tear his son from the sobbing grasp of a doomed animal …

… stuff him into the time machine and fly away …

This also serves as the official series finale for The Flintstones.

… and watch as the comet tears through the atmosphere and vaporizes the boy’s dinosaur pal. That’s seriously what happens in the special “watch all the dinosaurs die” episode of this nightmare series. Happy Saturday morning, assholes!

#6. A Japanese Video Game Made BTTF 2 Into Crazy-Ass Anime

Anyone who played the early Back To The Future Nintendo games knows that whoever made them clearly didn’t bother to see the movies. Either that, or Back To The Future Part III cut a scene in which Marty ingests a crazy amount of peyote and starts seeing mutant cow men everywhere.

Presumably named “Beef Tannen.”

The Japan-only Back To The Future Part II Super Famicom game, on the other hand, tried to follow the plot of movie … and somehow ended up being even weirder. You control Marty, who spends the entire time on his hoverboard — because, realistically speaking, if you owned a hoverboard, why the fuck would you ever not be flying around on it?

The game starts on a grimly prescient note, with trigger-happy 2015 cops shooting at Marty for no apparent reason.

When we reach the alternate 1985, Marty goes around fighting disoriented crackheads, mistaking their agonized gasps for taunting chicken noises. Marty then discovers his murdered father’s tombstone, and he … seems pretty copacetic with this development, all things considered.

Doc, on the other hand, turns into an angry pink Gollum.

If you’ve ever wanted to see these iconic moments reimagined as demented Sailor Moon episodes, you’re in luck. When Marty discovers the 1950s girlie mag instead of the sports almanac, the mere sight of boobs gives him a stroke.

Which is weird, because this is after meeting his mother’s gargantuan dystopian breasts. Marty’s perma-smirk in that scene is somehow even creepier than when he was standing at his dead dad’s grave.

Also, why are they in the Technodrome?

By the time Biff seemingly vampire-bites the almanac away from Marty and gets covered in a sea of 16-bit horseshit, you’ll probably never see Back To The Future the same way ever again.

“I won’t close my mouth. I deserve this.”

And speaking of which …

#5. A Hot Wheels Biff Car … Complete With Manure

There aren’t a ton of Back To The Future toys, but the ones that do exist are mostly DeLorean-based. There’s a DeLorean Lego set, a remote-control DeLorean, and even a Power-Wheels-esque DeLorean for ’80s kids whose parents wanted them to explore their confused Oedipal feelings outside the house.

Sadly, this kid was easily taken out by Libyan terrorists.

So it’s only natural that the DeLorean be adopted by stalwart toy car company Hot Wheels. Recently, the company decided to expand their Back To The Future line to include not only Doc’s DeLorean …

Oh, sorry. Doc’s “Time Machine of Indeterminate Brand.”

And Marty’s sweet 4×4 …

“Complete with two coats of wax and Fat Biff’s tears!”

And even Biff Tannen’s Ford Super Deluxe Converti– oh, shit.

You can get a non-poopy version for an extra $300.

Yes, they produced a beautiful classic automobile overflowing with rancid manure, as seen in that scene and that other scene and that variation of the scene. It looks like an amusing Internet Photoshop job, but it’s a real toy which you could go buy right now … or, you know, make at home yourself with a toy car and some laxatives.

Couldn’t Hot Wheels have mass-produced Doc’s hover-train? Or one of those kickass police cars from 2015? Nope. Instead, we get the shit-encrusted rapemobile. Think of all the ways kids could play with this. “Oh no, Biff’s car got covered in manure … again …” Assuming your kid even knows what Back To The Future is, how are they supposed to integrate Biff’s car with their other Hot Wheels products?

“Yes! The race is delayed due to track turds!”

#4. ZZ Top Turns All The Characters Into Ogling Creeps

Along with “The Power of Love,” Huey Lewis and the News wrote “Back In Time,” the surprisingly engaged recounting of the events of Back To The Future from Marty’s perspective. Sadly, we were less lucky with ZZ Top’s “Doubleback,” a jabbering spray of temporally-themed rhymes in no way related to the third film.

The one band you’d think you could trust to hitch their beer-drinking, hell-raising wagon to Wake-Up Juice, but noooooo.

Now, “Doubleback” is a fucking abomination, an artistic charley horse clearly farted out 12 minutes from the studio call time. But then there’s the music video, which superimposes the band into random clips from the movie in such a disjointed, cookie cutter way that it comes alive like a serial killer’s scrapbook.

GOOF: ZZ Top were only teenagers in 1885, so they shouldn’t have beards yet.

It’s everyone’s third-favorite time travel movie, perpetually interrupted with the looming presence of three guys who look like the personification of bathroom assault. By the end, they’re literally sticking their faces over the action so that we don’t forget to be bummed out by their existence.

We’re all for them supplanting Marty’s mom in this scene to make it less creepy, though.

But the weird stuff begins when this monochromatic onslaught changes the movie’s finale to include a pimped-out ride randomly rolling into Marty’s standoff with Mad Dog Tannen …

… and releasing three jean-short bombshells of various ’90s fabric patterns and foxy accessories, to which the movie’s characters react with stock disbelief appropriated from the original scene.

OK, we have to admit that these guys clean up nicely when they shave.

That’s right — Doc reacting to Marty’s fakeout death is the same expression as his boner face. Or maybe he’s wondering how a Cadillac Sedanette went back in time without a bunch of nonsense sticking out of its hood. Either way: boner.

#3. Pizza Hut’s Back To The Future Ads Are Rather Sad In Retrospect

Having the ability to engorge on a puck of meat and cheese has been every child’s dream since Marty’s mom hydrated a Pizza Hut pizza in Back To The Future II.

The most fantastic concept here is a 2015 pizza without a gimmicky crust.

So delicious. At least, if you ignore the fact that eating a waterlogged dough slice sounds like a fucking nightmare, and that the Pizza Hut of this future solely makes the equivalent of microwave meals. In fairness, the brand’s own advertising campaign had a slightly different take on their role in the future:

Their kinder, gentler take on Robocop was probably their lamest (and most inaccurate) prediction of all.

According to one 1989 commercial, the Pizza Huts of 2015 are built like techno mosques. It makes sense in the context of the ad, which begins with two unknown ruffians taking the DeLorean out for a spin, presumably after swiping the keys from Doc Brown’s ransacked corpse.

To save you 15 minutes on IMDb: It’s Mikey from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.

The ne’er-do-wells zoom to 2015, where, to the sad grumbles of their stomachs, they find the streets barren of any pizza eateries, as Domino’s has long been converted into a hardware chain. Luckily, there’s still one place in business, and it’s the all-hail Pizza Hut temple.

The Noid was executed after a show trial in ’94.

It’s unclear why a restaurant that makes cookie-sized products needs multiple neon spires, but it probably has to do with the announcer’s assertion that, even in the future, Pizza Hut is the “only one place to get a great pizza.” The fact that Pizza Hut was envisioning an all-exclusive Demolition Man scenario with their brand is made that much more heartbreaking by the company’s actual 2015 situation:

Also depressing: the current state of journalism, since no one realized this graphic should be a pie chart.

Turns out that all the movie projector pizza boxes and eye-tracking tablet menus in the world can’t get us to that Utopian Italian palace where dressing like it’s the ’80s is still hip and (according to another tie-in ad) absolutely everyone wears futuristic solar shades.

The nuclear fallout has melted all of our eyes by now.

#2. Doc Brown Teamed Up With Doogie Howser For Earth Day

Back in 1990, people were really committed to saving the environment … as long as the extent of that commitment was appearing in some kind of extravagant TV special instead of cutting back on fossil fuels. Regardless, this newly-discovered sense of eco-awareness led to one of the craziest moments in pop culture: The Earth Day Special.

The special starred a slew of wacky creatures, like the Muppets and Danny DeVito and E.T., who looks to have been living in a filthy alley since the events of his film.

He’ll touch you with his “magic finger” for $5 and some Reese’s Pieces.

Since this was the year that Back To The Future Part III came out, Doc Brown naturally joined the cross-promotional fray. Who better to promote environmental activism than a guy who hoards large quantities of plutonium in a garage in a residential neighborhood?

The loose plot of the special is about the personification of Mother Earth dying. Doc Brown shows up in his DeLorean and offers his assistance to the doctor in charge of healing Mrs. Earth — who, because this was 1990, is Doogie Fucking Howser.

“Not even Edward James Olmos’ mustache could revive her.” “We’re doomed.”

Doc whips out his suitcase TV and shows them footage of how screwed over the Earth is, which is kind of a dick move, considering how she’s right over there. It doesn’t help that the clips are seemingly stock footage pretentiously edited together by first-year film students.

“What are those ladies doing with that cup …?” “Whoops, wrong year.”

As always, Doc ends up finding the solution: science! Not any specific science but, like, the act of reading and shit. Look, it was 6 a.m. and someone wanted to finish that goddamn children’s TV show script already.

#1. The Back To The Future Novelization Gets Dark

Movie novelizations are generally terrible, but the one for Back To The Future takes it to a whole new level. It’s the Back To The Future of bad literary cash-ins.

“What do you mean it’s not about a kid with a camera who farts fireworks?” — the author, probably

The book opens with a vivid description of a dead family getting bent out of shape by the detonation of a nuclear bomb, which turns out to be a scene from a film Marty is watching. This never comes up again in the book — because the author is too busy thinking up even crazier, tangentially BTTF-related shit. For instance, we get a scene featuring the Libyan terrorists casually hanging out in a shitty motel, which answers the question you always had: Yes, one of them is a psychotic former fashion model.

You can only be told to look “sexy like tiger” so many times before something inside snaps.

And she doesn’t mind offing Doc Brown because he … “looks Jewish.”

Doc goes commando in his jumpsuits in this version.

Even when it’s a scene we recognize from the movie, the author’s prose manages to make everything seem a tiny bit seedier:

Not that “Let’s hire your attempted rapist as our live-in manservant” is any less creepy.

The novel also features the most disturbing context for the phrase “giggled naughtily” in all of fiction:

A parent’s naughty giggling is typically reason #1 Protective Services gives when taking away their child.

The whole book is so bizarre and creepy that it wouldn’t be surprising to learn that it was imported from the shitty alternate 1985. And we’re only scratching the surface here. A whole other book could be written just pointing out all the fucked up moments, page by page. Did we say “could”? We meant “someone on the Internet did exactly that.”

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/7-dumb-back-to-the-future-products-you-wont-believe-existed/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/181924707857

[allofbeercom]

7 Dumb Back To The Future Products You Won’t Believe Existed

A good 80 percent of Cracked’s content is devoted to peeling back the kaleidoscopic layers of WTF-ness contained within Back To The Future, but this article isn’t about that. Nope, this is about an even more ridiculous topic: the many confounding ways people tried to squeeze big bucks out of the Back To The Future flicks.

This ordinary tale of a time-travelling eccentric and his pet teenager has spawned such baffling shit as …

#7. The Back To The Future Cartoon Was A Fucking Crazy Parade

As we’ve mentioned before on the site, Doc Brown’s character-concluding decision to father children with a historically dead woman and blast through time in a screeching lightning train was reckless at best. And so it’s only natural that the 1991 Back To The Future TV show would follow the horrific mishaps of this family, sandwiched with live-action science demonstrations by Christopher Lloyd and an oddly mute Bill Nye.

They’re like the Penn and Teller of mad science.

But despite its audience of the young and curious, an average episode of Back To The Future: The Animated Series played out like Rick And Morty episodes Adult Swim rejected for being too bleak. Don’t believe us? The pilot for the series starts with Doc’s younger son Verne stealing the time machine and traveling to the Civil War … followed by Doc finding a photo revealing that little Verne died for the Confederate Army.

“But hey, it says here that the Alabama chapter of the KKK is named in his honor.”

Doc eventually prevents this by creating a truce between Verne’s Confederate pals and the Union, and the gang happily flies home like they didn’t just irrevocably alter the outcome of a Civil War battle. That’s basically the story of the series, as Doc, Marty, and Doc’s kids manhandle historical moments while Doc’s wife Clara waits back home with sandwiches.

In the third goddamn episode, Doc brings his kids to the very moment the dinosaurs are wiped out by a meteor, saving the group by hastily stopping the comet and changing the future into a lizard-ruled wasteland. (One of said lizards looks like Biff, implying that a Tannen once fucked a dinosaur.)

This means that Doc is forced to go back and kill the dinosaurs himself, re-altering his actions so that the meteor gets back on a collision course with Earth … but not before one of his kids befriends a scared pterodactyl. So how does Doc handle this unfortunate attachment? Obviously, the rest of the series would involve the group goofing around with their adopted dino friend. I mean, otherwise, he’d have to …

… tear his son from the sobbing grasp of a doomed animal …

… stuff him into the time machine and fly away …

This also serves as the official series finale for The Flintstones.

… and watch as the comet tears through the atmosphere and vaporizes the boy’s dinosaur pal. That’s seriously what happens in the special “watch all the dinosaurs die” episode of this nightmare series. Happy Saturday morning, assholes!

#6. A Japanese Video Game Made BTTF 2 Into Crazy-Ass Anime

Anyone who played the early Back To The Future Nintendo games knows that whoever made them clearly didn’t bother to see the movies. Either that, or Back To The Future Part III cut a scene in which Marty ingests a crazy amount of peyote and starts seeing mutant cow men everywhere.

Presumably named “Beef Tannen.”

The Japan-only Back To The Future Part II Super Famicom game, on the other hand, tried to follow the plot of movie … and somehow ended up being even weirder. You control Marty, who spends the entire time on his hoverboard — because, realistically speaking, if you owned a hoverboard, why the fuck would you ever not be flying around on it?

The game starts on a grimly prescient note, with trigger-happy 2015 cops shooting at Marty for no apparent reason.

When we reach the alternate 1985, Marty goes around fighting disoriented crackheads, mistaking their agonized gasps for taunting chicken noises. Marty then discovers his murdered father’s tombstone, and he … seems pretty copacetic with this development, all things considered.

Doc, on the other hand, turns into an angry pink Gollum.

If you’ve ever wanted to see these iconic moments reimagined as demented Sailor Moon episodes, you’re in luck. When Marty discovers the 1950s girlie mag instead of the sports almanac, the mere sight of boobs gives him a stroke.

Which is weird, because this is after meeting his mother’s gargantuan dystopian breasts. Marty’s perma-smirk in that scene is somehow even creepier than when he was standing at his dead dad’s grave.

Also, why are they in the Technodrome?

By the time Biff seemingly vampire-bites the almanac away from Marty and gets covered in a sea of 16-bit horseshit, you’ll probably never see Back To The Future the same way ever again.

“I won’t close my mouth. I deserve this.”

And speaking of which …

#5. A Hot Wheels Biff Car … Complete With Manure

There aren’t a ton of Back To The Future toys, but the ones that do exist are mostly DeLorean-based. There’s a DeLorean Lego set, a remote-control DeLorean, and even a Power-Wheels-esque DeLorean for ’80s kids whose parents wanted them to explore their confused Oedipal feelings outside the house.

Sadly, this kid was easily taken out by Libyan terrorists.

So it’s only natural that the DeLorean be adopted by stalwart toy car company Hot Wheels. Recently, the company decided to expand their Back To The Future line to include not only Doc’s DeLorean …

Oh, sorry. Doc’s “Time Machine of Indeterminate Brand.”

And Marty’s sweet 4×4 …

“Complete with two coats of wax and Fat Biff’s tears!”

And even Biff Tannen’s Ford Super Deluxe Converti– oh, shit.

You can get a non-poopy version for an extra $300.

Yes, they produced a beautiful classic automobile overflowing with rancid manure, as seen in that scene and that other scene and that variation of the scene. It looks like an amusing Internet Photoshop job, but it’s a real toy which you could go buy right now … or, you know, make at home yourself with a toy car and some laxatives.

Couldn’t Hot Wheels have mass-produced Doc’s hover-train? Or one of those kickass police cars from 2015? Nope. Instead, we get the shit-encrusted rapemobile. Think of all the ways kids could play with this. “Oh no, Biff’s car got covered in manure … again …” Assuming your kid even knows what Back To The Future is, how are they supposed to integrate Biff’s car with their other Hot Wheels products?

“Yes! The race is delayed due to track turds!”

#4. ZZ Top Turns All The Characters Into Ogling Creeps

Along with “The Power of Love,” Huey Lewis and the News wrote “Back In Time,” the surprisingly engaged recounting of the events of Back To The Future from Marty’s perspective. Sadly, we were less lucky with ZZ Top’s “Doubleback,” a jabbering spray of temporally-themed rhymes in no way related to the third film.

The one band you’d think you could trust to hitch their beer-drinking, hell-raising wagon to Wake-Up Juice, but noooooo.

Now, “Doubleback” is a fucking abomination, an artistic charley horse clearly farted out 12 minutes from the studio call time. But then there’s the music video, which superimposes the band into random clips from the movie in such a disjointed, cookie cutter way that it comes alive like a serial killer’s scrapbook.

GOOF: ZZ Top were only teenagers in 1885, so they shouldn’t have beards yet.

It’s everyone’s third-favorite time travel movie, perpetually interrupted with the looming presence of three guys who look like the personification of bathroom assault. By the end, they’re literally sticking their faces over the action so that we don’t forget to be bummed out by their existence.

We’re all for them supplanting Marty’s mom in this scene to make it less creepy, though.

But the weird stuff begins when this monochromatic onslaught changes the movie’s finale to include a pimped-out ride randomly rolling into Marty’s standoff with Mad Dog Tannen …

… and releasing three jean-short bombshells of various ’90s fabric patterns and foxy accessories, to which the movie’s characters react with stock disbelief appropriated from the original scene.

OK, we have to admit that these guys clean up nicely when they shave.

That’s right — Doc reacting to Marty’s fakeout death is the same expression as his boner face. Or maybe he’s wondering how a Cadillac Sedanette went back in time without a bunch of nonsense sticking out of its hood. Either way: boner.

#3. Pizza Hut’s Back To The Future Ads Are Rather Sad In Retrospect

Having the ability to engorge on a puck of meat and cheese has been every child’s dream since Marty’s mom hydrated a Pizza Hut pizza in Back To The Future II.

The most fantastic concept here is a 2015 pizza without a gimmicky crust.

So delicious. At least, if you ignore the fact that eating a waterlogged dough slice sounds like a fucking nightmare, and that the Pizza Hut of this future solely makes the equivalent of microwave meals. In fairness, the brand’s own advertising campaign had a slightly different take on their role in the future:

Their kinder, gentler take on Robocop was probably their lamest (and most inaccurate) prediction of all.

According to one 1989 commercial, the Pizza Huts of 2015 are built like techno mosques. It makes sense in the context of the ad, which begins with two unknown ruffians taking the DeLorean out for a spin, presumably after swiping the keys from Doc Brown’s ransacked corpse.

To save you 15 minutes on IMDb: It’s Mikey from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.

The ne’er-do-wells zoom to 2015, where, to the sad grumbles of their stomachs, they find the streets barren of any pizza eateries, as Domino’s has long been converted into a hardware chain. Luckily, there’s still one place in business, and it’s the all-hail Pizza Hut temple.

The Noid was executed after a show trial in ’94.

It’s unclear why a restaurant that makes cookie-sized products needs multiple neon spires, but it probably has to do with the announcer’s assertion that, even in the future, Pizza Hut is the “only one place to get a great pizza.” The fact that Pizza Hut was envisioning an all-exclusive Demolition Man scenario with their brand is made that much more heartbreaking by the company’s actual 2015 situation:

Also depressing: the current state of journalism, since no one realized this graphic should be a pie chart.

Turns out that all the movie projector pizza boxes and eye-tracking tablet menus in the world can’t get us to that Utopian Italian palace where dressing like it’s the ’80s is still hip and (according to another tie-in ad) absolutely everyone wears futuristic solar shades.

The nuclear fallout has melted all of our eyes by now.

#2. Doc Brown Teamed Up With Doogie Howser For Earth Day

Back in 1990, people were really committed to saving the environment … as long as the extent of that commitment was appearing in some kind of extravagant TV special instead of cutting back on fossil fuels. Regardless, this newly-discovered sense of eco-awareness led to one of the craziest moments in pop culture: The Earth Day Special.

The special starred a slew of wacky creatures, like the Muppets and Danny DeVito and E.T., who looks to have been living in a filthy alley since the events of his film.

He’ll touch you with his “magic finger” for $5 and some Reese’s Pieces.

Since this was the year that Back To The Future Part III came out, Doc Brown naturally joined the cross-promotional fray. Who better to promote environmental activism than a guy who hoards large quantities of plutonium in a garage in a residential neighborhood?

The loose plot of the special is about the personification of Mother Earth dying. Doc Brown shows up in his DeLorean and offers his assistance to the doctor in charge of healing Mrs. Earth — who, because this was 1990, is Doogie Fucking Howser.

“Not even Edward James Olmos’ mustache could revive her.” “We’re doomed.”

Doc whips out his suitcase TV and shows them footage of how screwed over the Earth is, which is kind of a dick move, considering how she’s right over there. It doesn’t help that the clips are seemingly stock footage pretentiously edited together by first-year film students.

“What are those ladies doing with that cup …?” “Whoops, wrong year.”

As always, Doc ends up finding the solution: science! Not any specific science but, like, the act of reading and shit. Look, it was 6 a.m. and someone wanted to finish that goddamn children’s TV show script already.

#1. The Back To The Future Novelization Gets Dark

Movie novelizations are generally terrible, but the one for Back To The Future takes it to a whole new level. It’s the Back To The Future of bad literary cash-ins.

“What do you mean it’s not about a kid with a camera who farts fireworks?” — the author, probably

The book opens with a vivid description of a dead family getting bent out of shape by the detonation of a nuclear bomb, which turns out to be a scene from a film Marty is watching. This never comes up again in the book — because the author is too busy thinking up even crazier, tangentially BTTF-related shit. For instance, we get a scene featuring the Libyan terrorists casually hanging out in a shitty motel, which answers the question you always had: Yes, one of them is a psychotic former fashion model.

You can only be told to look “sexy like tiger” so many times before something inside snaps.

And she doesn’t mind offing Doc Brown because he … “looks Jewish.”

Doc goes commando in his jumpsuits in this version.

Even when it’s a scene we recognize from the movie, the author’s prose manages to make everything seem a tiny bit seedier:

Not that “Let’s hire your attempted rapist as our live-in manservant” is any less creepy.

The novel also features the most disturbing context for the phrase “giggled naughtily” in all of fiction:

A parent’s naughty giggling is typically reason #1 Protective Services gives when taking away their child.

The whole book is so bizarre and creepy that it wouldn’t be surprising to learn that it was imported from the shitty alternate 1985. And we’re only scratching the surface here. A whole other book could be written just pointing out all the fucked up moments, page by page. Did we say “could”? We meant “someone on the Internet did exactly that.”

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/7-dumb-back-to-the-future-products-you-wont-believe-existed/