#how bad it looks to me now and how much i've improved despite not drawing and painting nearly as much as i used to

[smallhatlogan]

looking at my own wip like "wow i'm good at art"

[calware]

post about me. i added pictures to keep it interesting

i've had a problem for most of my life that i'm currently visualizing as a gray dorito poking into me. it's frustrating, inconvenient, difficult to deal with, and overall makes everything suck a little. many people have told me that this problem is most likely adhd, such as my therapist in high school who said it was "textbook." unfortunately, she was just a therapist, not a psychiatrist, and therefore wasn't actually qualified to diagnose me with anything. this was in 2021 when there were no child psychiatrists in my area accepting new patients (thanks, covid), so instead my doctor gave me a few adhd meds at differing doses to see if any of them stuck (i had literally no reaction to Any of them) and the whole thing went nowhere

so, is the problem actually adhd? i'm an adult now and could pay several hundred dollars (of my parent's money) to get a proper test, but it would make no difference as my issues would not be solved by adhd medication (maybe. i'm worried i somehow messed it up) or any form of accommodations. i don't want to ask my parents to pay for something that likely won't have much impact (and my mom wouldn't be fully convinced anyway. both parents are pretty sure there's nothing wrong with me). i want to know, but the time and money don't justify it. so the best solution i have is to keep going, keep learning which lifestyle changes to make and how to "work smarter". i'll be okay. and i say that with sincerity

whoops, forgot my glasses here. this is another gray dorito-shaped problem, only this one is much smaller. i rarely notice it, and when i do, it's superficial. it's only gotten genuinely bad twice in my life. it's my paranoia, obsessiveness, and, on occasion, compulsions that follow those obsessions. now, i know what you're thinking, which is that it kind of sounds like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. frankly, from my understanding, my issue is so negligible that it doesn't qualify as OCD. like i said, it barely affects me. it still bothers me that it's there, though. i do my best to deal with it, letting my thoughts pass as they come to me and not trying not to give into/breaking out of compulsions, but i just don't want it there at all

this is another thing i could see a therapist about, but does a problem this small really justify the time and expenses of seeing a professional? not in my case (not for me, at least. don't apply this to your own problems if you genuinely want to seek professional help)

i have a goal to have enough disposable income later in life to justify paying a scientist to pick through my brain for my own amusement. because, despite no substantial foreseeable improvements to my mental health after getting a psych evaluation, i still find the idea to be really exciting. i have a strong desire to understand how my mind works, how my brain ticks, why i am the person i am. that's how i know that if i ever played sburb, id have the heart aspect (that's right. you thought that this was just a personal post on my homestuck blog that had nothing to do with homestuck. do you really think i would do that? make off-topic posts solely about me on a homestuck blog? look, i even remembered to draw my glasses this time and i made them homestuck glasses. because i care about you guys) and i am vain and self-centered enough to desperately want someone with a phd to talk about me for an hour. and no, i don't need a therapist to tell me why that is, i already figured that one out allllll on my own

[tamaruaart]

What was zhao's character designing process like?

Hello! Thanks for asking, I'll try to keep this as simple as humanly possible-

-the beginning stages of Zhao's character

(Ignore the bad quality of the pictures, I was lazy-)

I've actually had Zhao for quite a few years now, but I think these drawings I made like 9 months ago are the oldest ones that I could find. As you can probably see, in the begging she was a primarily jttw OC, I remember being super into OSP (which I still am), so when I started watching their jttw series I immediately got to making an OC because I really liked the world and all.

There's not much to say about the design honestly. But I will say why the hair changed, back then, her hair was very tiger-y but why has it changed so much if she's still a tiger? Well it's because back then I actually really liked the hair, but as time went on I thought it was way too much. However I really got attached to the whole "Cursed for disobeying your family so that you can never forget about them when you look at your own face.", so I decided to keep the orange hair just remove the details.

However a lot of the drawings you will see still have the stripes, but you'll see how they became more and more simple over time.

(note: All of the drawings you will see of her old design are pretty old so my art skills have improved-)

When I just started watching lmk I already knew I wanted to change up her character a bit. So I did a mini re-design. Again not much to say about her design except that I wanted it to look very demon-y (because she actually used to be a tiger demoness)

However I felt she was too "soft", so I changed up her character a bit to be more cold and "mature", because I wanted her to have a bigger contrast in personality with Sun Wukong. I'll get into that later :>

And as you can see I was still experimenting with certain designs but in the end I ended up with the last one for a while.

Then something awoke in me and I was finally like: This hair is mad complicated let's simplify this sucker-

So some (a lot of) experimenting:

(as you can see I've got a very inconsistent style)

And with that I eventually got this kinda design:

As you can see, this is was the start of a ✨new era✨

(you can still see these drawings up on my blog if you scroll down enough-)

And this design stuck for a while until I made a certain drawing for a certain @/camhues 👀

At this time I have started reading Circe and was very inspired by her character :0

She changed from being cold to more motherly. She's still mature but more clever, compassionate and caring. (yet still pathetic in my eyes). One of my friends here on tumblr @/doppel-doodles explained her PERFECTLY- "A fierce tigress in the body of a gentle mother cat" (like who gave them the right-), this explains her character very well because despite being very peaceful she's still a strong sorceress-

Now, Zhao is still kinda quiet and reserved considering her unhealthy past. But that ties a bit more into her connection with Wukong, which I'll get into in a bit.

I wanted Zhao to seem more "out of place", back then she just seemed like a basic bish girlboss OC and like someone who would make a good background character-

I also decided to give her a full name (because my dumb ahh realized Zhao is a Chinese SURNAME-) so I decided on Zhaoyan, also funfact Zhao's father used to call her "Zhaodi" because that name means "requesting a brother" (Because sexism yaaayyyyyy-)

My Zhao design is also heavily inspired by @/gigizetz Circe design, and her hair is very much inspired by Rapunzel from tangled-

And so yeah, then we got to her current design

While I can't really give anymore specific references, I can tell you a bit on how I settled on this design :D

Note: I wanted her to have a more exotic, tropical and ancient vibe if that makes sense. She is a spiritual maiden, sometimes even described as a sorceress, and considering the role I settled on giving her in the story it makes sense she would seem like "something new" or something out of the blue if you will. Even though she's a Peach Maiden, she doesn't exactly look like one, which I honestly think is really exiting to work with-

There's still some lore I haven't spilled yet that would say more about her design, but I hope to reveal that in the future!

Now, all the lore of her current character ties to one specific thing, aka her most important role in lmk- her connection to Monkey. Now as I mentioned, Zhao and Wukong were made to be opposites, or well to seem like opposites (one is chaotic and one is calm). Also the mear fact that the Chinese monkey zodiac and Chinese tiger zodiac are specifically referred to as not being able to get along so well.

But in reality they're quite similar, both get over looked because of their unthreatening personalities despite being really damn powerful. Both kinda stand out in physical appearance too compared to the other characters, and look alike in a way (same ginger hair and golden eyes). And not to mention they both push others away from them because of their pasts despite caring a lot.

A fun part about writing Zhao's character is she also serves as a way to find out more about Sun Wukong and jttw as a whole while still being her own character.

So yeah, that's basically it! Sorry for this being so fricking long I like rambling about my girl- (no I do not have a favorite lmk OC wdym?)

Fell free to ask more questions they're always fun as hell to answer!! :D

[thelaundrybitch]

😘 A gift for your talents

Donatello sat in the dark of his room, listening to the hum of his computer's cooling systems and the occasional drip of a pipe. His mind was a buzz with ideas and plans, improvements and adjustments but it was so full right now that-that!

He was drawing a blank.

On his screen, he saw the monitoring programs running, his surveillance systems and general system monitors. All of them ticking away nicely and in perfect working order.

On top of those, was an internet browser window. It was open to his own chat systems, one that allowed him to piggyback onto other communication systems like texts, video calls etc.

The curser was flashing ready to send a message but he couldn't bring himself to type anything. What would he type and to who?

A voice in his mind that sounded just like his father, Master Splinter, said he should talk to his brothers first. But that too was a lesson in futility.

Leo he could get along with, more easily than the others. He had a calm patience that allowed them to sit peacefully together and talk, but underneath it was a temper that rivalled Raph's.

And right now he was annoyed because he couldn't go see a certain "blue-eyed angel" he had been meeting up with. That was partly because he was under house arrest by Master Splinter for getting into fights, alone and with no backup, and earning himself a broken wrist.

Raph had been smug for all of two minutes while Leo was being chewed out but stopped the moment he realised his blue masked brother was injured. He'd taken leadership for all of two nights and seen that it wasn't for him -Donnie and Mikey both had the bruises to prove that much.

Mikey, he was goofing off at a skatepark he'd found. The crowd that hung there had taken one look at him and accepted him with open arms. He finally had found his people and they had a way of finding runaways at risk.

But none of this helped Donnie with his own problem.

He was in a creative rut and he wasn't sure how to fix it... Yet, he had a suspicion of how to fix it but... He had a feeling it was... Too much.

April had a friend.

This friend had helped them more than once already, and was included in The Secret™ but... Donnie had never met anyone like them!

They had been mildly interesting to start with but when they had wandered into his Lab one day while he had been tinkering, he'd nearly bitten their hrsd off. They had argued back of course, because why hadn't he labeled the Highly Corrosive Acid as just that?

They had said some things.

He had said some things.

Now, he was sat in the dark of his room and unable to do anything it seemed. He wanted to make something by way of apology, but he didn't want to come across as weirdly desperate as Mikey has when he'd first met April.

God that had been bad.

Yet he missed seeing them! Missed their smile, the way they would run their hand through their hair, the crinkle in their nose when they were being cheeky.

Oh god...

With a sigh, Donnie flopped back in his desk chair, safe in the knowledge that despite it's creaking noises, it wouldn't give out on him.

There was only one thing for him to do, he realised as he pulled his glasses off and ran a large hand down his face. Putting his glasses back on and pushing this up his snout, Donnie focused on his computer and opened a fresh web page to start his research.

🐢

I'VE BEEN BLESSED!!!

Oh man this looks SO GOOD.

I read this with a big ol stupid grin on my face

GOD I LOVE ME SOME DONDON

AND WHO IS LEO SNEAKING OUT TO SEE THAT CHEEKY LITTLE MONKEY 👀

*rattles the bars to my enclosure*

I got to the bottom and went

Listen my little turtle friend.

This is the beginning to something amazing.

I can tell 🤩

I do hope you continue this little story because I am HIGHLY intrigued as to where it's going.

And I can't even thank you enough for this generous gift you've dropped in my ask box.

You're amazing 😍💖🫶🏼🫵🏼

[im-no-jedi]

alright. it’s finally time. after almost four years, the series that radically changed my life is coming to a close. I’ve seen several other people make posts about this, so I think it’s only fair that I write my own. be warned, this is going to be long, rambly, and only somewhat coherent LOL

when this show was first announced, I was shocked. although I had fallen in love with the Bad Batch during their arc in TCW, I was unsure how an entire show surrounding them could work. I was even more skeptical after I saw the trailers, which had this mysterious child show up. and as I’m sure all of you know by now, my feelings quickly turned around just after the first episode. I immediately was endeared to Omega and looked forward to seeing how the rest of their story played out. by the time the first season had ended, I was already deep in the planning stages of writing out my self-insert series, MLWTBB.

I honestly didn’t expect to love this show as much as I do. but I quickly realized why after the first season ended. (I'm gonna sound like a broken record for some of you, I'm sure LOL)

firstly, the characters. like I said, I loved TBB from the moment we saw them in TCW. and I immediately liked Omega as well. but the way these characters have been portrayed and fleshed out has only endeared them to me more. it became clear to me very quickly that these guys were an eerily similar analogy to my own family. I already saw a lot of myself in Hunter, but the rest of my family are very similar to them as well, even down to certain dynamics between each of them. not only that, but their struggles also mirror my family in that we’ve suffered several losses in our lives too. my mom sobbed like a baby when Kamino was destroyed because she saw similarities between that and a similar loss we’d endured irl. which, for me, is why it hits SO much harder when something bad happens to them. Plan 99 was devastating for many reasons, but for me, because I see so much of my dad in Tech, it felt like I was losing both of them. and having already had struggles with my dad irl… yeah. I feel like these guys ARE my family now, which has been the running theme in MLWTBB. and it's been cathartic both seeing them get through their struggles in the show, as well as portray my own struggles through my writing.

speaking of my writing, this show has inspired me so much creatively, that literally nothing else is comparable. I had already ventured into the realms of digital art previously to watching this show, as well as publicly sharing some of my writing. but not only did my art significantly improve due to all the pieces I was drawing for this show... but my writing skyrocketed. I finished writing a fanfic for the first time since I was FOURTEEN. and I've both written and finished several stories since then. and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. my art and writing will continue to flourish long after this show is over, I'm certain of that 😁

another thing is the real life impact this show has had on me. and honestly, this is the big one.

some of you have been following me for over a year or more now, so you'll probably recall the struggles I've had with my mental health, especially last year. I'd suspected that I had some mental disorder for a while now, but it was only last year that I really began to pursue the idea of getting diagnosed and treated. it of course began in therapy, then moved to having discussions with my parents about it. everyone was very supportive of me, thankfully... except for one person. myself. despite all of the work I'd done to move forward in my life, this was the hurtle I was struggling with the most. the fear of the unknown has always terrified me the most, so this unfamiliar territory was like a nightmare-scape to me.

then "The Crossing" happened.

fandom had headcanoned Tech being autistic for a while previous to this episode, myself included. some even liked to think all of them were neurodivergent in some way, again myself included. so when this episode dropped and we basically got the confirmation that our headcanon was correct? that. that was the push I needed. seeing this character that I love SO much in a show that I love SO much not only confirming his neurodiversity, but embracing it??? I literally told my mom that weekend that I was finally ready to get tested. and the rest is history. I'm now officially a part of the ND gang, and I've never regretted it for one second \o/

not only that... but I'm on meds now. meds that have altered my brain in such a way that I've NEVER felt before. my anxiety and depression no longer have a hold on me, and it's all thanks to this show 💙💙💙

and leading into that, the last thing I wanna mention is the connections I've made through this show. my entire family is (mostly) SW fans, so I've always had them to fangirl and discuss SW shows with. but I've missed having friends outside of the family to connect with. it's been YEARS since I've been involved in a fandom that had such a lovely group of people. and I know what some of you might say. and you're right. of course there's toxicity, just like any other fandom. but I can honestly say, I haven't met such a welcoming and friendly group of individuals as I have with this fandom. I've made some real, true, long-lasting friendships because of this show, and I'll be forever grateful for that. do the meds help? absolutely. but remember, I never would've even been on meds rn if not for this show either!!

and on that note, I just wanna call out some of the lovely people I've met, some whom I've only gotten to know recently! 🥰

@photogirl894 my beloved Morgan, my little sis, the Omega to my Hunter. you've been nothing but a joy and a blessing to me since the day I met you. I truly believe the Lord led you to me so that I could properly start this journey towards recovery and growth. I love you SO much, sweetie, thank you for being you 💙💙💙

@heyclickadee my dear friend, the conductor of the Tech Lives train. I've so appreciated your insight and wisdom in regard to all of the insanity. you genuinely helped get me through my depression after Plan 99, and you've continued to uplift me with your positivity and hopefulness. may we finally get to see our nerd alive and well again in your honor 🙏🏻

@clonethirstingisreal sweet Carol!! fellow Hunter simp!! getting to know you has been nothing short of amazing and wonderful! I can't tell you how refreshing it is to see an older fan amongst the young'ins LOL. we've been able to relate to each other in SO many ways, it still astounds me. I look forward to seeing your journey progress in hopefully similar ways to mine! 🥰

@lightwise @freesia-writes @better-to-bee @probadbatch (spacing this out so y'all get tagged properly)

@jedi-hawkins @anxiouspineapple99 @arctrooper69 @sunshinesdaydream and everyone else I've gotten to know both here and on Discord, THANK YOU!!!! thank you for letting me into your lives and for all the joy and laughs we've had together. I consider you ALL my friends, and I'm blessed to have met you all 💙💙💙💙💙

and finally, because I know she'll berate me if I don't mention her too, my best friend and irl sister @jam-n-ham. gurl, we have been through it, haven't we? you've been the sole witness to my reactions every week, and for that, I apologize LOL. but we have fun, at least, right? 😆 we've spent HOURS talking about this show, and I'm sure we'll have many more hours to come. you've also supported me and my writing, which I'm eternally grateful for (even if you can barely stomach the Hunter romance scenes ROFL). I can't wait to add in your additions to the story, and for you to see what I've been cooking up 😁 thanks for always being my no.1 bestie 🥰🥰🥰

I don't feel like rereading this before posting, so if there's any typos or whatever, oh well. the fact that I even got all of this out tonight is a miracle honestly haha. now if you'll excuse me, I have to start compiling every single box of tissues we own before tomorrow 😝

oh, and one last thing. an addendum if you will. I haven't been posting much of my thoughts about the finale for many reasons, but I'll just say this. ever since "The Return", I've been rotating Hunter's last words to Crosshair in my head, on repeat.

enough said✨

[annasinterests]

don't look at me like that unless you mean it

all day long, i'm wearing a mask of false bravado ♫ trying to keep up a smile that hides a tear

|| series masterlist || main masterlist ||

a/n: she's alive!!! wow life has been so busy (and depressing lowkey) so sorry for taking forever to update. i do fear this may be a little underwhelming given the wait but i'm finally moving the plot along how i want it. i've also looked at this for way too long so i just need to post it or else it'll never leave the drafts. love y'all, enjoy <3

word count: 7.7k

pairings: joel miller x f!reader

warnings & tags: minors dni, reader is lowkey highkey going through it, family dinner!, approaching threats, yearning, joel and reader have a bad case of the feels, swearing, mentions of blood/violence — please tell me if i missed anything!

It wasn’t addressed the morning after. Or during the late dinner that following night.

Not even two, three days later.

Which brought you to today, and still nothing. It was like a heavy fog that refused to dissipate, a complete contrast to the week before when words had flowed more freely between you two until that night. Now and then a brief conversation was shared, though its brevity only emphasized the distance that crept between you both.

And then there were those accursed papers, the unwelcome intruder into your already strained dynamic.

The progress was coming along much slower than you anticipated being that you had limited windows of time to work on them, often staying up late into the night in your room, or quietly flipping through them at the kitchen table or out on the front porch.

You had finally sorted them into two piles: the map and patrol schedules, and the roster and patrol logs. The constant scribbling, drawing, and highlighting had taken a toll on the papers, rendering them almost unrecognizable from their original state due to your desperate need to find connections, no matter how small they might be.

Despite your efforts to compartmentalize your thoughts on shift, your mind remained clouded with the ever-pressing mystery. Fortunately, today you’d been paired up with Mike, a partner that appreciated the comfortable silences and occasionally engaged in small talk about Jackson and everyday life, offering respite from the chaotic whirlpool that was your head over the last few days.

Returning to the stables after the long day wasn’t the reward you were hoping you felt like it was going to be, the idea of another sleepless night deciphering the papers looming over you. You leaned on the gate of your horse’s pen, observing the gentle giant before you, America.

She was brought in to Jackson just a few weeks after you settled, slightly underweight and skittish, but with the promise of improvement with time. It was during one of your grooming sessions when you hummed along to A Horse with No Name on your Walkman that you realized the irony of it, finding her name to be fitting of the circumstances.

She nudged your hands that were lazily draped over the wooden gate, prompting a weak smile from you. You reached up to caress her muzzle and forehead, her eyes closing in response as she leaned into your touch. Resting your forehead against hers, your hands moved to her cheeks, where you continued to stroke her gently.

“My best girl, always know when I’m off, don’t you?” She nickered and nudged you again, deepening your smile. “Rest up, I’ll see you in the morning.”

Just as you set her feeding pail within reach and tossed a few apples into her pen, the sound of your name caught your attention and spun you around to see Lottie. You squinted at the older woman, unsure of why she was all the way out here looking for you just as curfew was setting in.

“Lottie,” your voice was light with concern, guiding her shoulder gently back towards housing, “everything alright?”

“Oh, sure is!” She waved a hand, “I stopped by your house earlier today, I didn’t know you were out until Ellie told me and– which, can I just say, she is such a sweetheart. I mean she’s just-”

The corner of your lips curled up as she continued to gush, a prideful sense swelling up in you as when anyone spoke highly of her. You were drawn back into the conversation when she finally rounded to the point in front of her own home.

“Anyway, I didn’t know if you’d run out of this yet-” She reached into her satchel and retrieved a jar, “Here.”

You quirked a brow as she pushed it into your hands. The liquid inside looked dark in the fading light, but a familiar white label with cursive caught your eye. A smile spread on Lottie’s face as your eyes widened, recognizing the gift she’d given you, “Lottie, I-”

You couldn’t finish your sentence, your fingers curling around the jar as if it were the most fragile thing in the world. You brought it close to your chest, a genuine smile spreading across your face. “I can’t say thank you enough.”

“No need, sweetie.” Seeing the joy it brought you was more than enough for her, her hands clasped together under her chin and grinning. “Anything for you and Joel.”

You met her eyes at the mention of his name.

“I would’ve just given it to him like last time, but I figured since it was for you anyway, I’d just give it to you myself.” She winked at you, “Save you the wait.”

You tried to appear as cool as possible even though it felt like you were short-circuiting. Last time? She knew it was for you?

“Well,” you cleared your throat, eager to change the subject “thank you again, Lottie. I better get going before it’s too late.”

Offering her a sweet smile and a nod, you rounded the corner, your thoughts buzzing with the secret she unknowingly let you in on until you stepped through your front door.

You hadn’t realized how hungry you were until the smell of food reached your nose once you stepped inside, the aroma being the best welcome home you’d had in a while. Ellie’s head poked into the hallway, her cheerful greeting echoing down it as you kicked off your boots and followed the delightful scent to its source.

To your right was Dina standing by the stove, deftly balancing a pot and pan, while Ellie and Jesse worked together by cutting bread and vegetables at the island. She spoke without taking her eyes off her cooking, “You can probably get in a quick shower before it’s ready.”

You couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at the unexpected feast. “What’s all this about?”

“A thank you for letting us crash on your couch tonight.”

The post-curfew rule.

With a full kitchen, it still lacked one person. Hoping it didn’t sound as awkward as it felt, you inquired, “Is, uh.. Joel home?”

Ellie answered, “Yeah, he’s-”

“Right here.”

His muffled voice called from the dining room, emerging seconds later while wiping his hands on his jeans. His gaze first landed on you, then your hands, then back up to you with a drastic difference from his initial look. Your fingers involuntarily curled around the jar, feeling an immediate tension. The kids were chattering, but you weren’t listening as you locked eyes with him, his lips curled inward slightly.

“Gonna share with the class?”

Jesse’s voice and nearing presence brought you back to the scene that was your kitchen, pointing at your possession. Rather than telling, you handed it to him and watched as he surveyed it.

“Ah, honey.” He stated once he saw the label, turning it over to a curious Dina that approached his side. “Tupelo– What’s that, something special?”

Ellie’s cutting slowed at his question, darting her eyes quickly at Joel, and then you. Your attention remained fixed on it, your mouth half-opened as you pondered how to respond. It was special– in ways that went beyond mere taste.

“The flavor.” You replied with a soft smile, turning away to go upstairs.

The shower was just what you needed to wash away the day’s stress, the hot water a godsend on your skin. You returned perfectly on time as everyone took their seats at the table. Jesse sat next to Ellie, Ellie next to Dina, Dina across from you, which left you besides Joel.

Awkwardly, you sat at the same time, acutely aware of the other’s presence yet made no move to so much as look at the other out the corner of your eye. And if it couldn’t have been more awkward, you reached for the serving utensils simultaneously. You both retracted and silently urged the other to go first, although Joel held out longer.

The bread and vegetables Jesse and Ellie had been cutting were spread evenly on a large board that featured sliced cucumbers, carrots, bell peppers, cherry tomatoes, zucchini, and a dip in the middle of it all. The main course consisted of salmon with lemon-herb orzo and broccoli that made your mouth water just at the sight of, leaving you thoroughly impressed and appreciative with their efforts of cooking such a meal for so many.

Your hand grazed against his in passing it over, the sudden contact an electric shock to you. You stole a discreet glance at his fingers as they curled around the handle, following up along his strong forearms where the veins subtly raised under his skin– those same veins that you knew continued up. A desire simmered in your lower belly, fantasizing about how those very arms and fingers brought you great pleasure just earlier in the week, now borderline aching to have them on and around you again.

“Don’t wait too long, it’ll get cold.” Ellie’s gentle words reached your ears along with a small smile, her forearm resting against the edge with a clean fork in hand.

Quickly glancing around the table, you noticed that everyone else had started eating except you, apparent that she was waiting on you.

“Sorry, just-” You shook your head and picked up the spatula to serve yourself, “You guys really outdid yourselves.”

Jesse chimed in, “Well, technically Ellie and Dina did everyth-”

Dina interrupted with enthusiasm, “Oh, nuh-uh! This was a group effort!”

“Yeah! You carried everything back to the house,” Ellie added while she picked up a forkful of salmon and orzo, “that’s like, half the battle right there.”

Jesse rolled his eyes, “Yeah, but I didn’t actually cook anything.”

Ellie covered her mouth, her words slightly muffled by the food. “But you did cut the shit out of some bread, though.”

Jesse lowered his fork, shaking his head with mock annoyance and trying to hide his laugh, which only caused a burst of laughter from the girls. You hid your own smile behind your hand, sneaking a glance at Joel who’d been hiding his behind a glass of water.

“Whatever, anyway– what’s new with you guys?” He poked his fork into his plate, “Haven’t seen you since before the party, no?”

“Oh yeah, the party!” Dina exclaimed, “How was it?”

The three of them leaned in eagerly, curiosity shining in their eyes. Their intense gazes demanding details from either of you. Quickly, you grabbed your drink and took long, deliberate sips of the ice cold water, prolonging any sort of answer. You didn’t even dare to look at Joel. You hoped that each gulp would shock away the memories that threatened to play at the forefront of your mind; the drinking, jealousy, dancing, arguing, kissing–

Apparently, he had the same idea.

“Ah,” Jesse spoke in a hushed tone, “I see.”

“Mmhm, me too,” Dina joined in with a conspiratorial whisper, “Ellie?”

You raised your finger before she could input, feeling her response through her smug expression she directed your way.

“Easy.” Joel’s sudden tone was light with a hint of caution, “Nothin’ for you kids to worry about, jus’ adults being adults.”

Your attempt to conceal a guilty smile didn’t go unnoticed by them, turning their gaze to you in unison, then back to Joel.

“Adults being adults, huh?” Ellie teased.

“Ellie–”

“Oh, come on, Joel!” She egged him on. “Give us something.”

You busied yourself with another bite as Joel did his signature sigh of annoyance, wearing an expression that clearly showed his mild irritation.

“Really? Nothing? Either of you?”

You both continued to stare back at her, Joel’s gaze more unamused than yours, as you wore a slight smile on your face.

“Yeah, they’re definitely not telling.” Jesse piped up, “They’re doing the parent thing.”

Your smile dropped like you’d been caught in the act, but it was really at his use of being her..

“What parent thing?” Ellie switched her attention to Jesse.

Parent.

Moreso the allusion of being her parent.

Maybe it looked that way– sure felt that way sometimes, but the term wasn’t ever actually used. Maybe it made sense, though. After all, she did call Tommy ‘Uncle Tommy’.

“You know, the thing where you can ask them a million times, but they won’t say a word? Either because the answer is so obvious or they’re just not going to spill the beans, so they give you the old stare-down until you figure it out on your own?”

Okay, maybe he was onto something.

Ellie fell quiet for a second, looking down at her plate as she pondered the idea. Then, she lifted her eyes to you both.

“So that’s what that’s called?”

You shared a look with Joel before you both took simultaneous sips from your glasses, inciting another round of laughter from the kids.

To your relief, the conversation veered toward lighter topics after that. You finished your meal quietly and enjoyed the banter between Ellie and her friends. Occasionally, you caught Joel in your peripheral, a small smile playing on his lips as he watched on.

It’d been just half-past midnight when you looked at the clock, dragging a hand over your tired eyes. You’d spent the last few hours trying to put together a puzzle with pieces that felt like they were from different sets, making less progress than you would’ve liked. But, you did now have a foundation regarding the people who threatened Jackson, finally having a solid list of their names and physical descriptions.

On paper, it seemed like a group of six to seven all in varying stages of their twenties, led particularly by a man and woman. According to the logs, it suggested as if they all had some sort of combat and marksman skill, though two in particular were perceived to have medical training as well.

With a heavy sigh, you put your pen down on your desk, slumping back in your chair and feeling your muscles uncoil from being hunched over for so long while you drew out an organization chart. You flexed your fingers, trying to soothe the soreness from gripping the pen tightly for so long, and gently massaged your aching knuckles.

Reluctantly, you scooped all the papers together and rolled in your chair to your nightstand to shove them in the drawer, calling it an “early” night. The soft glow of your lamp, usually a comfort, was becoming nothing more than a nuisance at the hour. All you wanted was to retreat into the darkness under your covers.

You rose and stretched out your limbs, aiming to release the tension but froze midway when a knock came from the door, glancing back at your clock once more before padding over to the door.

To your surprise, it’d been Joel, with coffee, tea, and a warm slice of blueberry pie.

“Saw your light was still on..” he gestured with the plate, “.. kids brought this over, too.”

You opened the door wider, inviting him in if he wished to enter. He slowly stepped past you, getting a waft of the treats as he did.

“Little late for sweets, don’t you think?” You teased.

He set down the plate and tea on your desk, shooting you a knowing look, “Since when do you say no to a midnight snack?”

You rolled your eyes at his point. Never. Especially when the smell of warm blueberries and sweetness filled the air.

You slumped into your chair again, throwing one leg over the other as you leaned back with the steaming cup of tea in hand. With the first sip, you could immediately tell what Joel had added to it.

He stood near the foot of your bed in a way that it looked like he wasn’t sure what to do with himself, teetering between leaving and staying. You noticed his reading glasses folded and hanging from the collar of his shirt, making an excuse for him to stick around for a few more minutes.

“Late night reading?”

He followed your gaze down to his chest, his fingers momentarily brushing over them, “Been stuck on the same chapter for a while.. can’t seem to get past it.”

You knew the feeling too well.

“What about you?” He drew a sip from his mug, taking a seat on your bed

You leaned forward to trade the tea for the pie, the plate still warm against your fingers. “Can’t sleep.”

It wasn’t entirely a lie.

He nodded at the answer, glad he deemed it as a believable one. The slice was gone within a few bites, the portion expertly cut to serve as the perfect midnight snack. For a while, you sat in companionable silence, quietly sipping from your mugs.

“Did it-”

“Well I-”

You both paused, a light chuckle filling the space. He motioned for you to speak first.

“I hope I’m not overstepping, but..” you hesitated, gauging his reaction to the warning you were giving him. He remained calm– open, even, to your curiosity. “Did it feel weird to be called a parent again?”

His expression was still soft, though his eyes fell to the hand on his knee, his thumb absently tracing the material of his pants. It was rare that you even brought up the thought of her. She represented the stark difference of your losses, and while he never made you feel like yours were less, you knew there was a unique pain that came from losing your own child. One that you’d never experienced.

“It’s.. complicated.” He sighed, “But it didn’t feel wrong.”

You watched the gears turn in his head and patiently awaited his choice to delve further or simply let it rest.

“I was lucky enough to be a father once, and when I lost..” His voice died down, both his hands cradling the coffee mug but looking as if they’d drop it at any moment. Gently, you took it from him and placed it alongside your abandoned tea, settling next to him and rubbing soft circles on his shoulder.

“When I lost her, I thought that was it.” His fingers brushed against your knee, their movements almost trembling and uncertain. “I did the worst thing a parent could do– I failed her.”

You placed your hand on top of his lightly, curling your fingers into his palm.

“Yet, somehow, I was given a second chance.” His hand curled around yours, “She gave me a second chance.”

The vulnerability made your heart ache, to listen to him speak so candidly about something that haunted him for years.

“She can’t replace my Sarah, but I don’t need her to. I love her just as she is.”

A smile tugged at the corner of your lips at the admission, though you didn’t need him to say it to know that’s how he felt about the teen living twenty feet from your backdoor.

You rubbed your thumb over his wrist, glancing down at your joined hands and then back up at him. “She loves you too.”

You could see the small smile appearing on his face at your words, his head dropping slightly and nudging you with his shoulder in a way that elicited a soft chuckle out of you.

In the light moment, you pulled back to grab both your mugs and rejoined him at his side. You enjoyed the silence, savoring your drinks of choice again. The floral sweetness tickled your nose with each sip, the honey making it go down more smooth compared to when you drank it without.

“How do you feel about it?”

You met his soft gaze, the glow of your bedroom lamp casting a gentle light on his features, making him appear even softer despite his imposing frame. For a moment, your eyes roamed over him, tracing the path of his beard down his neck to the glasses that hung from his shirt, and catching a final glimpse of a vein that ran up his bicep and hid under his sleeve. He looked so..

You tapped your finger on the rim of your mug, forcing yourself to rip your eyes away and distract yourself with a sip of your tea before answering.

“I mean, it’s..” You sighed, searching for the right words but coming up short. “Complicated, like you said.”

Your fingers traced patterns on the mug’s surface as a rush of feelings overwhelmed you, but your voice remained steady, “She didn’t even flinch at the implication, which I feel says a lot, you know?”

You swirled the last bit of tea at the bottom as you gathered your thoughts. “I never got to have kids, but with her, there’s just this feeling, this..”

“Instinct.”

You looked up at him and found an understanding in his eyes. He wasn’t offering to fill the gap, he was telling you what it was.

“Instinct.. to protect her as my own. Be the one she can rely on, love her through all the good and bad– stuff like that.”

A light chuckle into his coffee had you knitting your brows together, “What?”

“That’s what a parent does.” He shrugged with a half-smile.

You bit your lip as you looked down, drawing the mug up as his words sunk in and downing the last bit of tea left. You shook your head, an uncertainty still persisting.

“I don’t know, Joel. I don’t want her to feel like I’m trying to take that place. I don’t want her to think that–”

“Hey– she doesn’t.” He interrupted with a hand between your shoulders, “You’re just bein’ you, and you are what matters to her.”

Between the lack of good rest and emotional turmoil, it left you too weary to offer a counter argument. You simply surrendered to his word and settled for silence. Slowly, you leaned into him and rested your head into the crook of his shoulder, his arm gently wrapping around you and soothingly rubbing up and down your arm.

“Thanks, Joel.”

The words were barely a whisper but brimmed with sincerity, earning a simple hum in response and a cheek resting atop your head.

Moments like this reminded you how fortunate you were to have them both, to have found and created a life together after enduring the worst kinds of casualties. To have loved, lost, and found a purpose again.

“Try to get some sleep, alright?” He squeezed your arm and withdrew, reminding you both of the early morning ahead.

You nodded, observing as he gathered your empty mug and plate and balanced them all with one hand. A comforting smile graced his lips before he took his leave, yet he lingered in the doorway with his hand on the doorknob.

“If it makes a difference,” he looked at you as he spoke, “I think you’re one hell of a mom to her.”

A rush of warmth flooded your cheeks and made you look down at your hands that couldn’t seem to stay still now. When you summoned the courage to meet his eyes again, he shot you a wink and finally closed the door.

Padding over to the lamp and finding the switch under the shade, your fingers ceased to flip it as you stared at the dip in your bed where you both sat.

It wasn’t the conversation you expected, nor a conversation you expected at all, but it was one that undoubtedly drew you closer to him.

Despite only getting a few hours of shut-eye, you surprisingly felt well-rested. You welcomed the sun peeking through the blinds as it created a calm atmosphere in your room that further motivated you to get ready for the day, as well as the smell of fresh coffee brewing that had you hurrying to get downstairs for a cup and quick breakfast before heading out.

Joel’s back had been turned to you in front of the pot, noticing your presence almost instantly and quick to hand you a thermos with a mumbled good mornin’. You leaned against the counter beside him, feeling the warmth radiate through the cup, the sensation running a pleasant shiver through your body.

He watched you carefully as he situated himself, your state of peace bringing a smile to his face; your eyes closed with contentment as you inhaled the rich aroma, the steam rolling over your face in small waves.

Over the rim of the cup, you noticed the jar of honey you acquired less than twelve hours ago sitting on the counter. You figured that Jesse had forgotten about it once he set it down. Crossing the kitchen, you picked it up, giving it a once-over before turning to Joel with a smirk.

“So.. you did know.” The remark lacked any real accusal.

Joel leaned back, gripping the counter with one hand, crinkling his eyebrows and casually shrugging as he brought the coffee to his lips, “I have no idea what you’re talkin’ about.”

Your smile deepened, “Oh, really-”

He loudly put the empty coffee pot in the sink, effectively cutting off your incoming line of questioning, ushering you to put down the jar and move, “C’mon, we’re gonna be late.”

You rolled your eyes and swiftly reached for two apples from the fruit bowl on the island. Blindly, you shoved one into your own pack and deftly managed to slip the other into Joel’s for later, all while he rushed you both.

On the walk over you made a few more attempts to extract an answer from him, but were met with skillful deflections that made you giggle with each evasion. You took a sip of your coffee, raising and dropping your shoulders in a mocked defeat.

“Well, guess I could ask Lottie, then.”

He quickly shot you a look, “Or you could not.”

You laughed and playfully swatted at his shoulder, “So you’ll tell me then?”

He let out a huff and shook his head, gesturing to the patrol board that was surrounded by more people than you expected, “Let’s save it for when there aren’t so many ears around?”

You flashed him a grin and deliberately raised your voice with each word, “Why? Don’t want people knowing your little secret about-”

He swiftly stepped in front of you, putting just enough space between you both to maintain propriety. His faint smile lingered as he lightly touched your shoulder. “Listen, I promise you can give me all the grief you want later, alright?”

It was almost endearing how flustered he got, though you had no intention of revealing anything. Even after you agreed, he held your gaze for a moment longer, and you swore you saw a glint of something intimate before he turned away. Excitement fluttered in your belly after joining the line, your body flushing with a mild heat from the quick moment of close proximity.

As you approached the board, Joel lagged behind in conversation with a fellow patrol member. You scanned the board, quickly reading names over and between figures, though none revealed your own. Once at the front, you used your finger and dragged down the list until you found your name, darting over to the next column where you raised an eyebrow at seeing your partner for the shift was none other than Joel himself.

You turned to him still absorbed in discussion, moving out of the way for others and politely tapping his shoulder as you offered a warm smile to the other man. “Hey, we should start moving out.”

His eyes flickered between you and the board, pointing to it and nodding, “Yeah, let me go see-”

You placed your hand on his forearm to stop him from walking, being met with an inquisitive brow.

“You and me, Miller.”

You grinned at his surprise, patting his shoulder twice and brushing past to go to the stables. Besides being tricked by Tommy earlier in the week and today, you hadn’t been paired up for patrol in quite some time, and part of you believed this was another convoluted plan on his again.

It didn’t take long for Joel to follow you and ride down to the gate together, falling in with the assembled group with Tommy at the front giving one of his customary speeches before departure. He found you both easily with a mischievous smile, cementing your belief.

The route today was to go through Wilson Valley down to Elk Creek, take Elk Creek to Colten Bay, then loop back around to Wilson Valley. It wasn’t one of your favorite routes by any means, finding it less scenic compared to others, much of it consisting of open fields and small bodies of water overrun with algae that served as markers.

The first few hours were just as boring as you expected them to be, the majority of it spent traversing to Wilson Valley alone. You didn’t bother to hold America’s reins as she navigated the familiar path. Instead, your hands took small sections of her mane to gently detangle and then braid.

Your eyes roamed over the vast land and mountainous structures, the varying hues of green and yellow abundant everywhere you looked. Dilapidated houses and barns littered along the fields, worn and picked down to their foundation, no longer even offering shelter to the poorest of travelers.

As time passed, impatience crept in. It felt like you were seeing the same sparse trees and tall grass over and over again, the scenery quickly becoming more monotonous by the minute.

You peered over at Joel with nonchalance, “Is now a good time for that grief?”

A grin appeared on his face as he looked down at his saddle and then back to you, raising his hands and letting them fall on his thighs with a playful flair, “If you must.”

You simpered, simply reiterating an earlier point. “So, again, you did know.”

He nodded, “Yeah, I did. And yes, I got it from Lottie.”

You didn’t get the chance to get a question out before he started speaking again.

“She stopped me one mornin’ on my way in for patrol, not too long after she dropped off that box for you. Was askin’ me if you liked honey in your tea, ran inside and brought it out to show me.” He chuckled as he told the details, “When I saw what kind it was, told her I’d pick it up on my way home that evenin’.”

“But how do you?..” You furrowed your brows at him, still stuck on the how. “I don’t recall ever-”

“You remember when we’d camp out durin’ our runs back in Boston?”

You nodded.

“And how sometimes we’d bring a bottle if we knew it was gonna be a long night?”

Your groan transformed into a laughter and rang into the air with his, the era of that time certainly not lost in your memory.

“Yeah, it’d been one of those nights. You were sittin’ there, tellin' me about it with all smiles.” You cringed, now realizing why you didn’t remember. “Didn’t quite understand why until you said her name.”

You took up America’s reins in your hands as the bittersweet memories flashed through your mind of a better time. His voice held a soft, contemplative tone as he continued.

“The way you talked about it– talked about her– was like you were tellin’ a story from just a few days ago. Hadn’t seen you talk like that about anything before.”

Your grip tightened as he recounted the memory from his perspective, rubbing the leather between your fingers as an ache bloomed in your chest.

“So when I saw it– I knew I couldn’t pass it up, and I told you I didn’t know because I thought..” He trailed off, running a hand over his beard and letting out a sigh, “.. I thought it would’ve made it more special.”

Your hands were so hot you were certain the reins would’ve caught on fire. You couldn’t do anything but rub your thumbs faster against the material to quell the rising emotions, the stinging in your nose that made it crinkle without fail every time. Biting down on your lip, you looked away and let a few tears bounce off your cheeks before swiftly wiping away the remnants.

You got one of your answers, but fuck– you weren’t expecting all of that. He remembered because he saw how happy it made you one night all those years ago?

He knew– he fucking knew– and he never would’ve told you so that you could have it to yourself.

The alarms were blaring. The sign clear as day. It wasn’t coincidence, it wasn’t chance– it was pure deliberation driven by an old memory. And it messed with you hard, because you knew that in knowing, there was loving. A type of love without the need for grand declarations and elaborate speeches to prove it, because it’s proved by showing.

You couldn’t look at him during this minor epiphany, and a frown formed on his face when he realized. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to, because you did– but if you did, it would be too real. It would mean that you were right and that he lo–

“M’sorry if I-”

“No!” The word came out more frantic than you intended, catching him off guard with its intensity. His face registered a mixture of confusion, quickly correcting yourself with a softer tone. “N-No, don’t apologize, Joel-”

“I–” A weak smile tugged at your lips, trying your best to keep the tears at bay, “It’s nice that you knew.”

Amidst all the other uncertainties and unresolved issues between you two, this was something entirely different– a direct, indisputable act on his part. Yet you knew it wouldn’t be so easily discussed as such.

So your horses continued to trot along the path in silence, entering Elk Creek.

You sat at the edge of a small lake in the warm gravel, little past the halfway point of the route and well into Colten Bay.

The last few hours were pleasant, marked every so often by eye contact and the exchange of a soft smile. Joel continued on about the honey ordeal, explaining that Ellie got roped into it not long ago when she asked to use some after discovering it in the pantry. She’d looked at him oddly when he told her to use it sparingly, then having to reason as to why. You chuckled as he recalled the details of their conversation that day, Ellie’s eyes widening at learning a new fact about you, pulling up a chair and practically begging Joel to share more stories about your time together in Boston. According to him, the conversation had started early in the afternoon in the kitchen and lasted late into the evening in the living room, even surviving their stop at the Tipsy Bison to grab a quick dinner, her curiosity unwavering

Despite the unremarkable scenery of the lake, you enjoyed it with Joel by your side. The trees towered over you enough to give shade from the dwindling sun, casting dappled sunlight over the forests and mountains in the distance that contrasted against the blue sky.

You passed a paper bag back and forth with jerky in it, preferring to string your pieces apart rather than bite and pull until your jaw was sore, which earned you teasing from Joel.

“Laugh it up, old timer.” You quipped, “You’re lucky there’s no more TV, because if there was, I’d film how you eat and send it straight to National Geographic.”

You couldn’t tell what made you laugh harder, your own joke or Joel’s belly laugh to the point wiping away tears from the corners of his eyes. You grabbed his arm to steady yourself, both of you involuntarily leaning in towards one another, and for a moment, it didn’t feel like you were working. You were just two friends enjoying each other’s company.

“Man,” you reached for the bag and shoved it into your pack, standing off and dusting off the back of your thighs, “I got you fucking good.”

Still chuckling, he shook his head and took your offered hand, following you back to the horses. He began to speak, but the words fell deaf on your ears as you heard the faint crunching of sticks and swishing of leaves close by, snapping your head in the direction and raising a hand for him to be quiet. He caught on instantly.

You both acted swiftly, instinct taking over as Joel drew his revolver while you unholstered yours, aiming with precision and falling into synchronized steps. The rustling grew louder and louder until a figure bursted through the underbrush and halted upon seeing you both.

Before you stood a young woman, clearly in a state of panic and distress. Fresh blood stained her clothes and smeared across her face. She raised her arms, chest heaving as if she’d been running for some time.

“I-I don’t mean harm!”

You maintained a cautious stance, your eyes fixed firmly on the woman. Her wide brown eyes darted nervously between you and Joel, sweat plastering her short hair to her forehead. She was short, maybe shorter than Ellie, and thin.

“I-I was chased.” She stammered, “Got separated from my people.”

“And who are your people?” You pressed rigidly.

“Just a few of us– please, you gotta-”

Whatever plea she’d been begging drowned out as you really began to stare at her. She was covered in blood, yet had no wounds to show for it. Not even a scratch. Slowly, details from your chart began to emerge.

Female. White. 5’1-5’4.

You narrowed your eyes.

Short dark hair. Slim build.

Your jaw tensed.

Fuck, what was her name– Mel?

You muttered her name under your breath, catching Joel’s attention as he looked at you in his peripheral.

“I’m sorry-” You cut her off sharply as she was still blabbering, “I don’t think we got your name.”

She froze, shuffling her feet and darting her eyes away and back to you, “M-Miranda.”

You decided to go out on a limb

“You seen any wolves, Miranda?”

Her face flushed, and you saw her mask slip for a moment before putting on the facade again, “Wolves? I haven’t seen any wolves.”

An anger simmered in you. Liar.

Joel took a step closer to you, maintaining his gaze on the girl while lowering his voice, “Care to tell me what it is you’re doin’ here?”

You ignored his question, “Get on your horse, Joel.”

“What?” He scrunched his face, “I’m not-”

He paused when he caught the lethal look in your eyes, scowling at your insistence but ultimately complying. There wasn’t enough time to explain nor were you privy to the idea of letting him in on your work outside of work.

“I told you my name, I think it’s only fair that-” She began to reason, but it only made you more angry.

“Oh, I don’t think that’s necessary.” You backed up until you reached America and swiftly hoisted yourself up, flickering your eyes into the trees every few moments. You kept your pistol trained on her, “Be careful about those wolves, Miranda.”

You stared down at her, your voice dripping with venom, “If there’s one, there’s probably a pack nearby.”

Luckily with Joel ahead, he missed your insinuation. The woman glared you down and snarled as you rode off, dropping her hands down in a frustrated defeat.

You ushered him to pick up the pace, taking the lead through the remainder of Colten Bay and all throughout Wilson Valley, your head on a swivel the entire time. The hours painfully dragged by, doing a number on your anxiety as you couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched the rest of the way home.

Immense relief washed over you upon seeing Jackson’s gate in the distance, whistling up to the guards so you could ride straight through and to the stables, not wasting another minute beyond the walls as the night fell.

You led America into her pen, fetching her feeding pail and gently gliding your hand along her neck as she ate. You couldn’t stop thinking of Mel, that look she gave you when you let her know you weren’t falling for her act.

It was too close, and you berated yourself mentally for not doing more. You shouldn’t have killed her, right? Even though she was the enemy? No. You didn’t condone killing people in that cold of blood.. Not anymore, at least. Should you have tied her up and brought her back? Interrogated her more? Maybe. But doing so might’ve pissed off your enemies even more and put Jackson at an even greater risk.

Truthfully, you did what was best. You recognized the trouble and withdrew without wasting any bullets or risking injury, moreover keeping Joel safe, who seemed peeved with you at the moment.

Looking over at him, you noticed a small figure at his side. Your hand fell hard on America’s gate, the other finding your hip as you cocked your head.

That fucking woman from the party.

You couldn’t miss the broad smile she aimed at him, leaning casually against a pillar and swearing a shirt that left little to the imagination. You scoffed loudly at the audacity to come out here just to flirt right before curfew.

Your disapproval didn’t go unnoticed, Joel shooting you a look over his shoulder that begged you not to start. Seizing the moment, the woman shot you a dirty look before switching back to her charming smile when he turned his attention back to her.

Thankfully, Tommy entered the stables, and for once, you were grateful for his presence. With a smirk, you strided over to Joel and slipped your hand under his arm to guide him away.

“Um, excuse me!” Her high-pitched tone doubled as annoying and surprising. Reluctantly, you met her gaze, but didn’t drop your hold on Joel. “We were having a conversation.”

“Yeah? Well, that’s too bad.” Her mouth gaped.

“I think what she meant was that-” Joel attempted to soothe the burn, but you were absolutely having none of it.

“I meant exactly that.”

You smiled at him, successfully pulling away and getting joy from seeing her on the brink of a temper tantrum. You even smiled through the scolds he muttered to you under his breath as you approached his brother, his mood entirely sour now.

Tommy’s face shifted from neutral to concerned upon seeing you both with contrasting expressions, “Everythin’ alright?”

The lack of an answer told him what he needed to know, patiently waiting until the stables cleared out completely before giving him a rundown of the incident. You omitted the details you figured from your sidework, chalking the encounter up to being a baiting technique for an ambush.

He rolled his lips under his teeth, tapping his foot against the wood with hands on his hips, a telltale sign of deep thought. For a moment, you weren’t sure what to expect of a response, but you wouldn’t be surprised if it was a form of criticism on your part or a question regarding the situation. However, it never came. He dismissed you both after noting he’d make the necessary alterations for tomorrow, commending you for getting out safely. It was clear that he was shaken up by it, which furthered your guilt.

Joel had a five-step lead on the walk home no matter how hard you tried to keep up. You kept calling out to him, but received no response.

“Joel.” You called again. No answer. “Joel!”

He kept walking, maintaining his pace. You caught up and tugged him back by his arm, “Joel, what the f-”

“Not now.” He tersely replied.

The response was frustratingly vague. Not now? What did he mean not now? He was five steps ahead of you again before you knew it.

“What, are you mad at me?” Your confusion was mounting, and the silence from Joel was only making things worse.

He remained unresponsive, like talking to a brick wall, but you refused to let the matter rest. You didn’t stop pricking until you got home and he couldn’t ignore you any longer.

“Seriously, Joel? You’re not ev-”

“Why didn’t you tell him?”

You creased your brows for a moment, “Tell him what?”

He fixed you with a scrutinizing look, “How you questioned that girl.”

Shit.

“That was-” You darted your eyes away and back to him, letting your hands fall against your thighs, “I was seeing if she was lying.”

“About seeing wolves?” He narrowed his eyes at you. “Awfully specific if y’ask me.”

You straightened up, taking a step towards him, “Is there a problem with how I handle things?”

He let out a scoff, “The problem is when you don’t involve me.”

“Yeah, well next time I’ll make sure to stop and give you a full briefing!” Joel rolled his eyes, and you couldn’t help but feel a sting of annoyance, “Jesus, Joel– I’d think after all this time you’d have a little more trust in me.”

Your inward chuckle ceased when he didn’t respond, his reticence loud as he only looked at you. A pang of hurt hit you hard– Really?

The persisting silence only made it worse.

Whatever. Just go to your room and work for the rest of the night.

Walking past him, he stopped you with a firm hand on your hip.

“‘Course I trust you,” his voice softened, gently turning you to face him, “always have.”

The reassurance calmed you, reducing your fire to embers. His hand fell from you, but a slight frown remained.

“Jus’ can’t stand if somethin’ were to happen and I couldn’t do more because of what I didn’t know,” he searched you for understanding, “make sense?”

You couldn’t stay mad with how genuinely concerned he looked, growing disappointed with yourself for going at him hard when you would’ve done the same thing. Nodding, you mumbled out an apology to him, your eyes stuck on the floor.

Slowly, you felt his arms wrap around you in a way that let you know he accepted it. You exhaled a breath you weren’t aware you were holding as you yielded to his touch, resting against his chest and closing your eyes. The weight of the day felt heavy, but the sound of his heartbeat made it feel just a little lighter.

You thought things were on their way to getting better, that you were closer to tying up loose ends.

But it was only getting complicated again.

[fainthedcherry]

2024 Human Art VS 2019 Human Art !!!!!

AS PROMISED, HERE'S A POST WITH SOME NEW ART!!!

And also an art comparison, just to see, how much I improved in drawing the 2 bois <3

I'm MEGA tired despite having slept after work, but I WON'T let that deter me from writing a description!! YAPNADO AHEAD;

FINN AND MARCOOO. FINNANMARCO. BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE ACOUSTICALLY AND FERALLY YELLED ABOUT MY 2 FICTIONAL MEN WHOM ARE CLOSE TO MY HEART.

I'm SO glad, that in the new drawing, Marco finally looks like the twink he always was, but still enough meat on the bones to look NORMAL lmao, can't say that about the 4 other sketches of me trying to redraw this ref for years. xD (why yes, his wings took forever, why do you ask? /lh)

I'M MEGA SUPER DUPER GLAD, that Finn FINALLY looks like a chubby, wild bastard TOO, OH TOOTHPASTE MAN, HOW MANY HEARTACHES YOU GAVE ME OVER STRUGGLING TO DRAW AN ENDOMORPHIC BODY TYPE. BUT I CAN NOWWWWWWWwwww!!!!!

God this habit of loudly reading out my posts as I type them made me realise what a bad Schwarzenegger impression I do on accident bc I'm overly excited to post something after a month of silence SDKFSKLDG

ONE THING I ALWAYS WANTED TO DO. IS PUT EVERY DETAIL I NEEDED ON A BIG REF. SO I DID! I've drawn closeups of the boys's eyes, I've drawn Finn's tongue so that I don't need to constantly remind myself what his blush and flesh colours were sdfkldsgkl, I FINALLY denoted their heights, so people know that they're tall TALL dudes (and that Finn obviously will struggle w/ his lanky mfing legs, we LOVE giving a middle-aged man heart attacks once he reaches his 40's!!!)

ANNDDD ALSO SOME SIDE VIEWS OF THEM. The last side-view I had of F & M, looked REAL bad. Like, Marco's face looked WAY too stereotypically European (to my fault bc surprise surprise not many African people live in Europe so I had poor frame of reference but I've been fixing it via looking up images online instead, at least it helps but yeah, I have a hard time so far unfortunately💀), Finn's was just... B u c k e t. NOT LIKE HANDSOME BUCKET. BUT JUST BUCKET. IT NEEDED FIXING (fun fact I accidentally made Finn have the most attractive jaw shape for men according to beauty standards and I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I JUST WANTED THIS MAN TO LOOK S Q U A R E AND THAT'S IT, MINECRAFT STEVE HAS MORE RIZZ THAN MOST MEN OFFICIALLY).

OH YEAH ALSO A CLAW REF AGAIN FOR FINN!!! His old ref looks too cool for me to give up on it tbh even as dated as it is sfjklsdglk, BUT I felt like I needed to redraw them properly.

FUNNILY ENOUGH A PERSON I COMMISSIONED SAID I HAVE SOME REALLY CLEAN AND NICE LINEART. I wish I heard that 5 years ago when I was really insecure about my bad lineart skills xD, I don't use lineart anymore nowadays outside of reference-drawings like these I don't plan to redraw in the next years unless necessary soooo yeah! They're gonna appear much rarer unless I go off and about making more ref sheets of all of my Sonc OC's sfklsdgsdfksdg

This drawing took 5 days to make btw. Not the hours spent on this LOL. 5 days of my life I'll never get back tho bc I care too much about my babies and I feel they deserve proper refs sdfklsdglk

WHAT ELSE SHOULD I MENTION.....HOPEFULLY I PLAN TO DRAW MORE HUMAN REFS IN THE FUTURE INSTEAD OF STAY IN MY COMFORT ZONE OF SONIC OCS ONLY. I for years wasn't confident in my ability to draw humans, but I can do so NOW at least!!!!!!!!!! Even if I'm like...3 years too late to how I wish my art looked back then already dsklfdsg, I have some high standards I need to continue to knock down as my 2024 resolution sdfklsdg

^IT'S BEEN WORKING THOUGH AS YOU CAN TELL BC I'VE BEEN UPLOADING SOME BAD DOODLES AND SKETCHES, BEEN DRAWING MORE GARBAGE AND BECAME MORE INVOLVED IN MY BELOVED FANDOMS. I wanna continue doing so! It was the most fun I've had with art ever. I hope to properly meet more fandoms I left in the past bc I thought it'd be embarrassing to share my passion for a franchise back then. I EMBRACE THE CRINGE NOW AS AN ADULT AT LEAST EVEN IF 7 YEARS TOO LATE ON THAT FRONT TOO. We all age and mature ig but I just become more silly year by year,,, c:

Oh yeah if you also see this btw lemme know, whether the new watermark tiles are subtle enough to not be noticed!!!! I know, watermarks are annoying and nobody likes them, but ever since AI invasions, I REFUSE to put my work online without ANY form of proof that somebody took it from my page. I just want people to stop lying on the internet for cloud and pick up a pencil. It's not that hard smfh. The only time I could excuse AI art is w/ amputees man. That's the only time I could empathise with someone, who wants to be an artist but LITERALLY can't bc they got dealt a bad hand in life. I digress my AI hate can be rambled about some other day, I know I love yapping and writing essays about THAT topic for sure sfklsdklg

I chose to post this ref to my Tumblr first tho, bc I still wanna work on my drawing of Abbacchio,,,, he is quite dear to me and I'd love to put effort into a doodle of him that won't take too long. Like 4 hours or 5 hours tops. I still have yet to figure out, if his cute star shape on his head is a hat or part of his hair. Bc I CAN'T TELL TBH AND I'VE BEEN DRAWING IT AS PART OF HIS HAIR PATTERN BUT I THINK IT'S A HAT NOW EVER SINCE I LOOKED AT MORE ASBR CAPS OF HIM I TOOK FOR REFERENCES. xD

Also another side-note, but I've ofc reduced down the lankiness of the dudes I draw™, but I in result wanted to sliiightly make larger feet/hands bc my Sonic phase will continue to possess me 'til the end of time /hj, if you also wanna lemme know what you think on that, bls do! I am messing about with stylization still. I am finding my footing with stylizing humans sOOO yeah!!!! I hope to some day be satisfied with my artstyle change of '24! So far it's been really rewarding and eye-opening to me and my journey as an artist for my 7 years of existing on the 'net w/ my silly goobers I like to scream about to in the void <3

Once again, tagnado also incoming below bc I dunno how to properly tag my art so lemme throw in things I THINK are relevant to this post sdkldsgkl

See you hopefully tomorrow w/ a lil doodle dump if I get around to it!!!! : D

[moonmeg]

Hey so I really love your art and your body poses ars always so fluent! I have a very simple style what is your suggestion for artists who want to change from cartoony to a more realistic style like yours? And how do you get your anatomy so good!!!Also if you have time or effort could you give a small showcase of where you started and where you are now and how you developed the style!?!?

-Small side note in Watching and dreaming what sene made you cry the most?

-Personally balled my eyes out when the collector started crying.Sorry for the long thread but what do you think happened to the collecotr?

-KEEP UP THE JAW DROPPING ART!!!❤️

Thank you so, so much!

The time skip made me so happy yet so emotional but I think when the collector started crying after Luz "died", yeah that might be the moment :')

I started developing my own style the way it is now with my entry into the Hamilton fandom. I've had a style before, that I drew Miraculous Ladybug fanart with and it looked something like this

I was 14 when I drew this. I was still heavily influenced by an anime art style despite me never having seen an anime at that point in my life.

With entering the Hamilton fandom, however, I found animatics. Szin was an artist that had an art style I looked at with 15/16 and said "I want that.". So I started copying some things from szin's artstyle that I really liked (the way they drew hair and noses specifically). Over time I discovered other artists that I had art-style envy over. That being caw-chan and ziksua predominantly. I think I adapted more from caw-chan and szin than from ziksua but I would lie if I said her art didn't have an impact on me.

So my art style developed year by year.

There are big time skips between these deawings but if you're interested in my Hamilton era search #hamilton on my tumblr and scroll through it a bit. Or if you go down the rabbit hole on pinterest just enough, you'll find old art to. Search "megpeggs" on pinterest for that.

During Hamilton times of course not only other artists inspired me but I also started looking up tutorials or art commentaries on YouTube. Videos where an artist genuinely critiques their viewers art proved most useful, because they show you how to improve the anatomy, what basic rules you can follow to get anatomy right etc. And of course, references and realistic portraits. (That last drawing was created with a reference.)

If you want a more realistic art style you need to study the realistic anatomy and know how to draw something realistic. For that you need a reference that you look at again and again, basically analyzing it and taking it apart to see how what looks and how you can best copy it on canvas.

Depending on complexity it of course is rather time consuming but it's a huge help. If you know how to draw something pretty damn realistic, you can easily cartoonify or simplify certain features. (Not saying I'm so great at realism but I'd say I'm not that bad at it either)

Enter Avatar era.

A show where you can bend elements and a show that is filled with quite a lot of fight scenes makes you want to do fanart that is as dynamic. So you sit there staring at pose references again. Or you take pictures of yourself doing these things. I can't say how much the ATLA and LOK art style influenced me because there barely is any resemblance between the show and my art but I do ghink it had at least a little impact on my art style.

It involved a lot of referencing and copying (important note: not tracing!) in my case. And that's really the most important tip I can give here. Studying and analyzing the reference picture you chose. How long and thick are limbs? How big are the hands? The torso? The neck? How much smaller or bigger does this limb look due to the perspective? Learn the rules before you break them.

Some examples:

Foreheads are bigger than they seem! Remember that your character needs to fit a brain in there.

You should be able to fit one third eye between the two eyes - that's the usual distance.

Eyes are on one height with where the ears begin.

The nose's end is on one height with the earlobe.

The distance from the outer corner of the left eye to the outer corner of the right eye is the same length as the neck (in thickness)

Remember that the neck supports the head. When drawing a side profile it should start at the back of the head and leave some room for a jaw.

Hands are big enough to cover your entire face.

Your elbow is on one height with your waist.

Your whole arm should reach from shoulders to about the middle of your thigh.

There's space between breasts and the neck. You have a collarbone there!

Natural breasts hang. They have weight to them and get pulled down by gravity.

There's bones and organs everywhere in your body and they need space too

Skin wrinkles Angle your arms or hand. You're not a Barbie, you've got wrinkles there on elbow and wrist.. Furrow your eyebrows. The skin on your forehead wrinkles.

Everything I listed here is something you can go check out on your own body and it should be correct. Of course this is just the usual way anatomy is like - exceptions are found everywhere.

If my art style is something you look up to, as weird as it sounds, study it. Look at the way I draw things and try to copy them and incorporate them into your own style.

It's also important you go out of your comfort zone.

With TDAAC I couldn't name what exactly changed or developed in my art style more but I do know I started to hide hands less and challenge myself to actually draw that hand pose, staring at references from pinterest or my own hands doing that pose.

Art is a matter of learning and studying. It's time consuming, it's nerve-wreking, you may sit there and ask yourself why the hell you decided to do art but it's worth it all.

I'd recommend keeping your old art around somewhere. Over the years you can then always go back to it and compare it to your current art and see just how much you grew as artist. And that is something that definitely comes. The more you draw, the more you learn. It's not witchcraft, even if it might seem like it sometimes.

I'll add some more art of mine in a reblog, since tumblr only allows me to add 10 images.

[hylandude]

Learning art update

So I kinda forgot to update my progress in here for a while... Ooops.

Second attempt at art had me struggling with proportions (again) as I drew an overweight piplup and a slightly odd fomantis. I am moderately happy with those tho and can definitely see some improvement from the first time. Trying to draw basic shapes and build up from them seems to be working but fucks me up when its complex shapes I can't break down (Im looking at you fomantis' bushy forehead)

Here's my child fomantis

And the rare candy enthusiast piplup

As you can see very clearly, eye size and placement is my passion.

I also did a third stream with more attempts. A dear friend keeps saying that "my mind is fascinating" while watching me, she's referring to the fact that I seem very methodical in my approach but I'm a software dev I literally learn by following a method seeing if it works and fixing shit after seeing the results. "Just winging it" is not how my brain works and is VERY hard to do. I did attempt tho! The third batch of drawings had me draw another ralts and a rowlet. I am extremely happy with how the ralts turned out! I can see some progress in my drawing skills, there's still a lot to do but I can confidently say that's my frist "good" drawing (I don't wanna look at it tho cause I keep seeing stuff that is wrong). Finally rowlet was an attempt at "going by the vibes" and not think too much about it. The result is not bad but honestly switching that part off in my brain is hard, I might need a different approach to that... There was also a spinarak drawing but it was so bad i scrapped it

Here's the baby ralts

Rowlet being a lil guy

So far I've been trying to copy the reference art, I'll try something original next time and see where does that lead me. Also someone in chat suggested I use colors but all the art supplies I have are literaly old school stuff I still had lying around so no colors for now (bf said he might get me some tho)

Anyway as usual thanks for reading my ramblings and if you wanna see me learn come join my stream its a lot of fun to chat n draw or play something. Shoutout to that one chatter who said I was an artist despite this being my first attempts, thank you that is actually very motivating!

[loregoddess]

Ok I'm curious, could you elaborate on art school education when you have the time?

Mainly because my friend went to art high school and feels she wasted all the years there while I've been self-teaching myself for a few months by just messing around, so I was wondering just how different the two approaches are :0

Oh, I have lots and lots of thoughts on art education. I do feel that I need to preface this with the whole "my experience is not universal", bc all my feelings about art and art education stem from my own experiences of being self-taught and then getting actual formal college degrees in art.

The shortest version of my long rant, under the cut, is that there isn't a superior way to learn art. With art education, you run the risk of getting bad teachers who don't teach the subject well, and you can also run into teachers who aren't open-minded about approaches to art that differ too much from their own--the flipside, of course, is that there are sometimes amazing teachers who can challenge you to try new things you'd never had thought of on your own, or who have already made a lot of mistakes that they can tell you about so you don't have to make them yourself. With being self-taught, you have to figure out everything on your own, and sifting through online tutorials or reading books can be difficult to find "actually useful and well-explained" advice, but you do also get the freedom of doing literally whatever you want and really focusing what you learn based on what you're actually interested in. Each has it's pros and cons, but neither is technically better or worse, per se, although education of any sort comes down a lot to each person's situation in life, as not everyone has access to education or even the tools for making art.

For the long, long expansion of my thoughts and some of my personal experiences with art education specifically...

In short, I'm technically entirely self-taught, despite holding two different art degrees. Aside from some feedback I got from my 8th grade art teacher (who had agreed to look at my hobby art in her own spare time outside of class), I basically taught myself to draw entirely on my own, using various "how to draw" books, online tutorials, and just a lot of general experimentation and continued drawing on my own. Which meant I made a lot of mistakes, or didn't try out certain things, or got frustrated bc I couldn't figure out how to do something, but overall I had a lot of fun. The actual art classes I took in middle and high school? Well, I took a life drawing class in high school that taught me how to draw from life, a skill I never would have acquired on my own bc the process for learning that skill requires a lot of patience, and personally, I find life drawing to be extremely boring. My high school art teacher was also allowing blatant copyright infringements to occur in her class, which was something I learned years later when taking a media law class in college to learn about copyright law specifically, so I guess I learned what to not do as a teacher if I manage to become one, but I didn't learn a whole lot of actual art skills or even really improve my art in any significant way. I never actually learned anything like the elements of art and how to use them, or color theory, or any of that, in class or even on my own, but because I was constantly looking at lots of art online, and making art on my own and experimenting with new things, I ended up learning all of the "essentials of art" intuitively, sort of like how children learn the grammar of whichever language(s) they grow up speaking without learning the actual formal grammar of the language. Which I think a lot of artists actually do as they continue to make art, even if they don't realize it.

Anyhow, moving on. I personally really enjoyed my undergrad illustration degree. Now, to be fair, if someone was willing to pay me to attend college for the rest of my life as my actual career, that is what I would do bc I love learning, and I love the challenge presented by college courses. But do I feel like I learned anything new about art in those classes? Yes and no. I took a lot of art history classes bc I had never had any art history before college, and found I loved the topic a lot. The life drawing classes I was required to take felt like a waste of time bc I already had that skill from the one high school class, and I spent most of those classes fighting the teachers about why we should have less nude models (bc nudes are super easy to draw from life, but clothing is very, very difficult, and I wanted to learn how to draw clothing as a challenge bc I was bored in those classes). I spent one class teaching the entire class how to use Photoshop bc the teacher's method was absolute BS and I could do everything faster and easier than what we were being taught bc I had been using the program for years (the teacher even joked about how I had hijacked the class, to which I'm still not sure was meant to be friendly or malicious). The "Anatomy for the Artist" class I took was one of the most useful classes I've ever taken, and really helped me with drawing not only humans, but anything with a skeleton and muscles, since the teacher's approach made it so I learned the skill of using actual real-life anatomy as a means of creating art from the knowledge of anatomy (and I lucked out for this class bc I had an adjunct who was there to cover the actual teacher who was on sabbatical, and from what I heard from classmates I would have learned nothing from the usual teacher's approach to the class; I hope the teacher I did have found a good stable job bc she was amazing). Most of the actual core illustration classes helped me improve my art a great deal, but not bc they taught me anything--more so, it was that I had to create a lot of art for them, and find creative solutions to the challenges the projects would present (there were lots of "illustrate this abstract concept without using x, y, or z imagery" or "create an illustration within these specific parameters" which really required me to think about how to plan and go about completing the final project). Somehow, the actual "foundations classes" that I took--where I was supposed to learn things like design theory, the elements and principles of art, color theory, etc.--well, let's just say the teacher was on his way to retirement, and didn't teach any of that really well, so I still ended up going through my undergrad more or less on intuition and the art skills I had cultivated on my own. Mostly, college art classes were useful in helping me to improve my art, not because I learned new things (although I did learn some new things), but rather because I needed to make lots and lots of art in a relatively short time, and making art constantly is the fastest way to improve.

That all said, I still never really got the point of things that I kept seeing or hearing as common art advice. For example: "Use references." Okay? What does that mean? What does that look like? How do I do that? I was never taught that once, and it was only partway through college that I figured out that people meant "look at a photo of a real person to figure out a pose or something" and not "learn about the subject you're trying to draw so you have an understanding of that subject that allows you to draw it from your imagination how you want". And honestly the former advice is useful but...only useful to a point, so I'm kinda glad I never learned it bc it would have stunted my development and presented a roadblock. In either case, I was never taught how to use a ref or what "use a ref" meant in my formal art education, and by the time I figured it out on my own, my repertoire of art skills made the advice moot.

So what's all the long and short of this? Is art education a sham and useless? Well, not entirely, but maybe sort of. It really comes down to which teachers are teaching the subject, and how they do it. I only had a handful of art teachers who were really able to get me to think about art differently and push me to learn more and improve. But I also had a friend in my undergrad class who had never drawn in his life and he found most of the classes super useful bc he wasn't coming in being self-taught and already drawing. We were at different places in our art journeys, and so we got different things out of the college classes.

I do feel overall that the focus of my college classes was more productive than the lack of focus from my high school classes. Would I tell everyone who wants to get better at art to go to art school? Hell no. I got a degree in art because I love it, and because I had hoped to work as a video game concept artist (for which one does need at least a BFA to get hired by most companies). Of course, by the end of my degree I had figured out the video game industry in America was absolutely not a place I wanted to be working for my own health, but my frustrations with how my art education had been structured, paired with the fact that I spent a few classes actually teaching my classmates things, made me think I might make an okay art teacher. But even my wanting to be an art teacher still comes from a place of deep love for art. For those who just want to take up art as a hobby, self-taught is fine, and sometimes it will be better than getting stuck with a bad teacher who'll crush the enjoyment of art. Yes, I think a well-structured art course could help someone learn art and become confident in their art, which is part of the reason I want to try teaching it (esp. bc it took me years to learn some things that a good teacher would have just like, covered in a core class), but like...self-taught or school-taught, there isn't a superior way to learn art. They're both just very different approaches.

[project-sour-grapes]

Angry Stick Figure

Somebody posted a gallery of sad self-portraits to Reddit that were from kids who were being abused. Drawings from children who have dealt with abuse include arm-less people and big, empty circles for eyes. (https://brokencrayons.us if you'd like to learn more or help out.)

Looking at the images reminded me that when I was kid, I always drew my parents angry. I drew two, black, downturned lines for their eyebrows and a big frowny mouth. At one point, either they or a teacher brought it to my attention. I didn't know why I did it at that time. It just seemed accurate to my 4-year-old self. I associated my parents with anger for at least a decade, maybe two. More than one member of my family was so toxically depressed for so many years until recently that I didn't realize just how bad it was until they became somewhat happy. Their depression was just normal, and the vitriol that they spewed towards everyone around them, including me, just seemed like that's how loved ones talk to each other. Are you really loved ones if they don't passive aggressively treat you like a weird failure or say slurs in front of you or abuse substances and then blame you for "not caring about" them?

Anyway, if I was a teacher and I saw a kid drawing their parents angry all the time, I would go home and sob like an idiot. That's awful that a kid would have to deal with that. And yet I did.

But it also feels like an entirely separate lifetime. So much has changed. My parents are not the same people. I am not that 4-year-old either anymore. Yet I still feel a sort of life delay or a disadvantage. But that's neither here nor there. The people I might compare myself to from my high school graduating class and feel behind in relation to actually had their own familial issues that I would not have wished on them either. Their parents were dogshit in unique ways.

Now that my parents are doing okay though, what do I do? I'm not going to make them pay some emotional debt. My parents are not cancelled for what they did 10 years ago. They have gotten better, and they were far better than their own parents, who were a bunch of criminals and abusers that I learn more about all the time (except for my mom's dad who was just an introverted, awkward writer and museum enthusiast).

So I feel like I'm on an island of oddity, like somebody who didn't get much direction in life--no praise or punishment but just two adults yelling at each other and getting irritated with me for opaque reasons. And I was not supported that well as a child. And I was a weirdo. And I was and still am socially behind, though I'm catching up. But I do feel kind of left hanging and like I've had to teach myself everything and yet there are no fingers to point, because the people who causes the issues have been gradually replaced by two people who are actually decent parents despite their quirks. They're human. I'm human. Whatever. We all keep improving. It's not where you're at, it's what your trajectory is. Relentless self improvement.

[inkyucu]

So.... I used to draw with my fingers before 2023

A lot of my really old art kinda got deleted, but I think I started making digital art around 2019-? (And I never posted it anywhere because of course I didn't 0wuhpuzvpuavhc)

Despite most of my old art being lost however, I still have some from October of 2022 to December of 2022

I'm not sure if I've shown these before (I probably have and just forgot because my memoryis kinda bad like that-), but I like to look back at them sometimes and see how much my art has changed over the last about 2 years

Something I can say is that I've definitely gotten better at digital art

Sure maybe it's not always the cleanest, but it's certainly a lot cleaner now than it used to be-

It's also kinda crazy to me that like... Despite how much my art HAS changed, it still shares a similar style. Sure I've gotten better at making bodies more, but there's still definitely lingering traits that have stayed and improved over time

I dunno, its just nice looking back at my old stuff I guess. I wish I had my really old art still-

Who knows, maybe I'll be able to find traces of it outside of traditional drawings

[colonyworkshop]

Hello everybee~ 🐝

Once again it is time for me to celebrate the Anniversary of Colony Workshop and look back on everything I've achieved so far. I'm actually a little late posting this but I'm not going to let that stop me!

First of all I would love to say a big Thank You to everyone who's been following my art pages for the past few years. It has been a lot of fun working on these cute bug drawings and I'm really glad I've had a nice reception to my sketchbook pages and other odd bits I post. Your support means a lot to me and it has really helped me to continue working on this WebToon passion project~ 🦋

~~~~~

And now for the part where I get to toot my horn about everything I've achieved this past year!

In the last year I've definitely put out some of my best quality work. I really feel like I've gotten used to creating and using assets to make better backgrounds quicker, and I've been getting more out of gradients now that I've spent some time learning them.

I have also improved on my WebToons processes noticeably. I learned how to use rulers and got a bit better with vectors, which makes it so much easier to do all the weird panel sizes and text bubbles! I think the switch to mono-colour was a good move too. Especially now that I've figured out how to make it a gradient layer.

I'm always learning new features and techniques with Clip Studio, and it's so satisfying to solve a time saving problem. It feels mad how much more I've learned in the last 4 years, despite feeling like I had a pretty good grip with it then!

Another big success for me this year was selling art at Furcation 23! It was my first time selling at a Dealer's Den so I was quite anxious, but everyone was super friendly and I got to chat a bunch~ A fair few people picked up the special Honeybee Gala prints in the Honeybee frames. To those people- I hope it brings you happiness every day! 🐝

I'm all set to run a table again later this year, so come say hi if you're there! I'm super looking forward to it but there is much to prepare. I have a pretty good idea of extra things to bring this time- sticker packs, small prints, acrylics. But there's still a lot to do and there's more I want to draw so it might be a bit of a mad rush getting everything done!

~~~~~

Just a little bit about changes I'm implementing for this next year-

Some of you may have noticed by now that from January I stopped posting my usual monthly newsletter, and this is a decision that I will keep going forward. For the first few years of Colony it seemed like a really good idea to keep a monthly newsletter going so that I could do little recaps on what I had been working on and share my thoughts on how it was all going. However, I kept finding that I didn't always have a huge amount that I was ready to share and when drawing projects ran on over a few months it was causing me a bit of stress and guilt seeing the same thing recurring on my to-do list. Coupled with the time cost of writing a little newsletter every month it started to seem like I was better off drawing instead.

I am definitely trying to gain some confidence with social media and would really like to be comfortable enough dropping small posts with my thoughts every now and then, but for now I want to focus on reducing unnecessary stress and give myself as much drawing time as possible!

I really hope that little updates and WIP posts will be a good way to go. I'm actually pretty bad for forgetting to post things and when I get going with a big project it can end up being the only thing I focus on. I don't really want to trap myself into a routine of forcing myself to post, but I would really like to find a comfy middle ground where I can make a post once or twice a week and boost engagement!

~~~~~

To sign off this Anniversary Newsletter I'd love to give another big Thank You to you all! The past 4 years of Colony artwork have been amazing and I'm so glad to have a setup to work on my little WebToon. I've really come so far since I started digital drawing in 2010 and it's been amazing to work on something meaningful to myself. I really hope I can keep this energy going and expand my audience as I release more episodes!

Wish me luck! 🐝

[nekole-doodles]

[Extra notes below the picture]

1. I only recently mostly phased out of my Gacha phase because no one made satisfying enough videos. Those reaction and AU Crossovers videos used to go so hard thoooo!!! This is where I found my love for AU Crossovers and making AUs :D I always had very high standards for GC videos though which honestly probably saved me from being one of those questionable people who pushes the fandom's boundaries.

2. Still LOVE FNaF and fnaf fanartists have been saving my mental health these past few weeks after DSMP started falling off

3. I have a few closeted/subtle DSMP cosplays like C! Wilbur(who I dressed up as for Halloween) and C! Tommy and TCFSV! Siren is in progress(looking for the iconic white and red t-shirt and working on getting a black coat and my friend is making a shimmery blue blindfold for me :D) I'll be dressing up as TCFSV! Siren for the hero/villain day at my school :))) So excited

3. Anime(specifically Haikyuu) was my first hyperfixation but Violet Evergarden remains one of my tops (Also, Yuri!!! On Ice recently joined the ranks since I just watched it. It has changed my brain chemistry)

4. I can recognize soooo many tiktok audios despite only getting TikTok last year because I always watched FNaF and Haikyuu compilations.

5. No comment :/ (I like women :])

6. A Mitski song was just playing a minute ago agsksnj

7. So many YouTubers raised me omg, especially MCYTubers(clearly) DanTDM, LDShadowlady, Ihascupquake, etc, those were fun days :]

8. I still remember her obsession with bread, like that one time she made a tower of bread in Job Simulator

9. Honestly, Hot Topic doesn't have great stuff for me but I've been there several times

10. Only a few of her songs but I think it still counts. I mostly listen to her through DSMP animatics/animations (which says a lot as is)

11. TALLY HALL, no further comment :]

12. I stopped using it as much but yeah. I love emoticons, especially TvT :) :] :') =>= :D TwT etc

13. MY MUSIC IS BUILT OFF OF ANIMATION MEMES!!! Before I found my groove with indie music, this was basically 99% of my music

14. Just look at my page. That says enough. Longest and strongest hyperfixation and has had the most impact on my life despite me joining late. Haikyuu was my phase while I was getting out of a bad time but DMSP was there as I found myself and it helped me find a lot of the things I enjoy now(art, writing, cosplays, fanartists, content creators like Philza, a love for animatics and fanart, etc) You can tell how much this fandom means to me

15. I wouldn't say I'm "good" per say, but I still love art and like to think I'm improving :> I still have a long way to go but DSMP and QSMP makes for good inspiration to practice drawing through fanart :]

16. ... Do fish count??? I mean- I have owned 3 hamsters and guinea pigs that one time but it never really worked out. I'd love to have a cat but I'm really allergic which is devastating :[

Anywayyyy, I rambled a lot :D I always ramble. I AM the ramble :)

[frostbite-the-bat]

Also ghhruugh I'm wasting so much time but theres like no shit to do in terms of this in winter but I'm feelie bad bc next month I already got scheduled shit and it's to help me but i still feel bad since my brother did tell me the employment department ain't gonna do shit for me but it's very fucking hard having no directions for anything and being trapped in this house unable to do anything for myself essentially and being too lazy to even look up basic shit for this because Uwhhrm Irt Too Distress FO Me.... Like it's dumb ughfhgh I hate this house but my plan is to take things slowly and at least improve my living conditions slightly like when my brother helped me a bit

I can't wait for my parents to go back to work not in a mean way but just so I have fucking privacy and proper time alone again. I can run around the house with no worries or set backs. I'm currently refusing to go brush my teeth despite the sensory nightmare because I don't wanna be seen walking out of my room by dad

I want alone time so I can clean my room without questions and without anyone barging in. I hope I'll have enough energy for that I really did condition myself to have even less energy daily on top of The Ouchies it's not good but... Hey best I can do when I can't even do. Shit for myself. Expected to start doin adult stuff but still treated as a kid. Both good and bad because I don't wanna be an adult but also I'm expected to do stuff and I'm still not being taught everything and just, in my parents own words, told I'm "not hard/difficult, doesn't want anything" bc I've been conditioned to never ask but okay

I don't even go fucking take baths without asking because the clothes are thrown around so confusingly I can never find my own clothes so I need to get mom to do it. and I'm expected to maybe find a job or decide if I wanna go to a different school after summer. I don't even have a card or anything

19 is still very young but I feel the pressure from my brother so badly and the world in general plus I'm so trapped here I can't do shit it's not good for me but I can't just leave or do things myself I haven't been taught anything I don't know how to live at all i don't know basics I've never been taught I've been so neglected in this because "Uhm I Don't Ask For Stuff ^^" ffffuckin hell.

can't even see doctors for physical shit I'd have to sneak out and know how getting an appointment works. and I know nobody would believe me even if my goal is to figure out what's wrong with me. My mom's reaction to me saying heeeeeey I have like daily pains in my hands that go from like don't notice to debilitating I can't do anything( and I had this sincei had covid. Which YOU didn't get me vaccinated for bc of YOUR beliefs. Then LIED about it. And one of the symptoms of long covid is chronic pain so... I DINNO..! CARPAL TUNNEL AND GENERAL BODY OUCHIES STARTING UP AROUND THE SAME TIME.. I DINNO. I dunno oh I GUESS it's ALL ONLY BECAUSE ii draw all day oh boohoo.)i got LAIGHED AT and told she has Ouchies Too and works anyway. Great OK no checking doctors or anything for me imma go cry now thanks

Ugh I'm not even like. In a mentally bad place right now in general like I am usually when I wrote these. I'm motivated to get started with stuff but MY PARENTS ARE A MASSIVE ROADBLOCK FOR EVERYTHING I CAN'T WAIT FOR ME TO BE ALONE IN THE HOUSE AGAIN. Sigh and again I hope by then I'll have the energy and motivation to do shit I feel nothing but lazy and like I'm rotting away it's so stressful wanting to do smthn and being unable bc it's to hard to even purh thru and because or things like family. It's all mostly a mental block but living like this with no privacy with people who haven't taught you shit one of which you fear is not good for you man. I know I repeat myself with the same statements burt

I'm tired I'm so tired I'm so tired oh my god please I'm tired of living like this it's only making me worse and because of that I need to try but it's so hard on so many fucking levels and I never try hard enough and I feel like absolute worthless shit for it

[makingspiritualityreal]

Not really in the mood to be inspirational today, and I'm not gonna force it, even though I have a lot of things waiting, that I want to share.

Sometimes I still smile thinking of the nicer things that I managed to do for myself through externalising my energy. I wanted to talk about it more, but the difficult circumstances of my life are weighing down on me too much today. I walk around with a constant weight in my stomach, an emotional burden I can't get rid of even though I'm trying my best to address my feelings and regenerate.

I've always had people mess up my personal space, and I never had enough energetic room to exist. I either had a family member, a partner or a roommate put toxicity into my sanctuary, and enduring this for almost 30 years has put a damp on my life to the point its unbearable and it's giving me constant physical pain. I do my best to not spread the difficult energy onto anyone and be the best person I can be in these circumstances, but most of the time it's unbearable. I can't stand looking at people at this point, because I feel like whenever I manage to construct enough good energy to actually be myself someone comes in to ruin it. By the time I defend myself and draw boundaries, it is too late and the delicate balance I managed to achieve is gone, and it takes me hours, sometimes days to go back into it.

I never had a space for myself, where I could exist uninterrupted. I don't even care if I'm completely alone at this point. I pray for freedom to be able to call shots in my own life without hurting myself by doing things that were destructive to me, like the past habit of workaholism that too me years to break. I am pretty much desperate at this point and I hate every second of my life that I have to spend in this condition. Constant fights, stress, everyday interruptions to my basic peace of mind. I'm sick of the turmoil I have to endure all the time.

I used to fear loneliness, and years ago because of my problems with basic survival after my only parent died, I had to make difficult decisions. Now I fear for my life, because of the constant emotional, verbal and energetic attacks I have to repel. I feel like life has been very unfair towards me to deny me the basic freedom of just...living and breathing without someone polluting my space. People in your life should be an addition to it, not a burden. I've never had anyone add to my life in a positive way without some serious strings attached to it.

I rarely have the luxury to even spend one day in peace. The little peace that I get, I used to create and share. But I promised myself that I will share how I feel even if I don't have the energy to talk about spiritual topics on days when I feel like utter crap. I pretty much would prefer dying to continuing to live like this, but I'm completely out of ideas on how to improve anything else in my life, even though I work so hard every day on becoming a better person and dealing with all my internal blockages. I have no practical options and avenues for anything and I've lost hope that they even exist. I feel like I can't heal despite how hard I've been working at it, because I haven't been given any avenues to heal at all, only obstacles and extra burdens to carry when I already had no strength left in the first place. I braved it even if it was very bad. And I still have absolutely nothing for myself to show for it. At some point no matter how much you do your best, no matter how much you're proud of yourself, if you receive nothing to show for it, there is nothing that you can do.

Maybe I will wait an hour, wake up tomorrow and feel like it's stupid. A part of me is embarrassed to even express these emotions. But I don't know how I can cope otherwise, and I know the problem is very real. I'm being emotionally abused on the daily, and no amount of conversation, fighting, me standing up for myself has changed that. Some people really don't have any integrity or quality of character whatsoever, and I have entered some form of cosmic rage stage for the universe allowing someone to do it to me in the first place, for me to be forced to live like that. I don't even believe in these relationships or connections anymore. I don't care. I just want to be able to be me, to breathe in peace without being interrupted by anyone.