#how are u all doing. ive been really really tired but powering through the last bit of my finals and projects
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i miss tumblr. hi friends
#how are u all doing. ive been really really tired but powering through the last bit of my finals and projects#and somehow whenever im burned out i default to five minute twitter intervals and ditch tumblr as if twitter isnt more frustrating#and as a result of that frustration requires more brainpower to navigate than this place#doesnt make sense. ive also been trying to start reading fics on ao3 but i get tired of sifting through to find things im interested in#before i even find anything. which is kind of ig what happens with my dashboard. im scrolling but i just get fatigued#cant wait to have a little more energy bc im feeling happy these days i just have no energy to convey the happiness
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must say though, I am SO glad spring semester ended. genuinely feels like a breath of fresh air where I can just⊠power down for a second. Iâm really not on my self-care or philosophical self development grind right now, because I think I just need to rest. im letting my brain marinate a little bit because sometimes u cannot bounce back from everything immediately. i think Iâll be okay from this. but thereâs a hell of a lot of uncertainty. im honestly just hoping time eases this, and obviously keeping my distance, trying (*trying*) to focus on myself, and being honest and venting my emotions when I need to. ive felt a lot of anxiety and general meh-ness these last two weeks. but hey, yk, im alive. i guess you canât be happy all the time. doesnât mean 2023 has to be a shitty year, not at all - I think going through these waves is better. it just feels more normal. im.. okay with that. im happy with normal. a bitch needs to breathe for a second.
have been thinking a lot about meagan recently. i saw she viewed my story ab me making out w that guy and she skipped the rest. i wonder if seeing that made her upset, or feel like sheâs not a cool kid or whatever. i do want to talk to her, but idk what id say. i donât want to reach out. Iâm so so tired of doing that. i wish sheâd reach out to me. i wish things were different. i think Iâm just missing her more than usual bc of all this shit socially, and now im a bit more isolated and alone (of my own volition).
cam has been in my mind a bit too lately. it doesnât bother me too much but it is annoying. i can still function and im not stuck on him, itâs more just like a bubble/wave that comes through me. thatâs how my emotions have felt lately - like really intense waves, but they leave pretty soon after. then I think about that wave and I get scared im gonna feel it again, but I usually donât; itâs just the anxiety from that thought that makes everything seem worse. dude⊠anxiety fucking sucks. it makes everything seem so difficult. no wonder I was struggling so much in highschool, I had so much anxiety and didnât know how to handle it, or even the fact that it WAS anxiety. i dunno. i do think time helps with these things. makes them more clear. makes us realize how childish and silly it all was. thatâs why im betting on time to heal this wound as well - bc im really just floating in space right now. wherever life wants to take me right now, Iâll follow.
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tw: suicide
nothing really matters at all i just found out i probably wont be graduating on time and it's over 3 elective credits that don't have anything to do with my degree and it's coinciding w a lot of other shit right now. like realizing i mightve just had ADHD and that's why i felt so different and weird all the time as a kid even when i tried really hard to control it and be likeable
and w this its just like. five fucking years of getting straight As, i could count the amount of Bs ive gotten on one hand but like literally none of that matters. every time i rushed to class, every late night trying my best to make sense of material, putting my heart into the work i was doing bc i really believed like it mattered and was powerful but the truth is that it doesn't matter
school is the only thing ive been able to understand and do well in. and it doesn't even matter if i move onto something else bc that next thing isnt steady either and it's like for what? five years of that, im broke, im lonely, im sad and i go through life so scared and stressed and for what?
my parents. my mom already said if i died she'd get over it and i think suicide would hurt my dad but i think he'd be okay too. i am really scared at what irl do to my little brother. we dont talk as much as id like, he's very quiet and a really great kid, but he's like 5 hrs away and doesnt see me often so im hoping that helps
im so selfish bc even the good friends i have as much as i love them, ik they'll be fine - things keep going, you meet new ppl, u find other reasons to smile. im just too tired to find it. and i don't think it'll make me happy. anther best friend won't suddenly make me happy, a partner that loves me won't make me happy, nothing will bc ive noticed all my life even when i was a kid, i always felt very sad. i think now it might've been that ADHD i just could never get what i was doing wrong and why ppl disliked it so much. and i think that left me w the fear i live w today that makes everything so hard.
it's not that i dont believe life comes in waves, that every new day is an another opportunity to be kind, to be happy, that mourning will only last for a night, it's just that i don't care anymore. even those good times, they're just a quick, minuscule moment where things are too busy for me to remember how heavy and jarring the sadness in me is.
i sometimes think that the adults who told me i was mature were just seeing that sadness.
To kill myself, I'm deciding between either taking Nyquil or renewing my prescription for my sleeping pills and swallowing it down w alcohol. I think I would want to clean my house down first. The real scandalous things i'd pack up in a bag at my doorway so a friend could take them before my parents come for my things (i leave everything to my family to sift through but Amari gets first pick at everything and dibs on what money i have left). then id pick a night, get high, watch something easy and funny, maybe spongebob or drag race, then id swallow everything while lying on my couch.
literally nothing in life matters. it doesn't matter how many times i recreate myself, it doesn't matter which god i do/dont pledge my allegiance to, it doesn't even matter how others feel about me. whatever they feel now will pass and even the parts of me that stay with them, they'll be able to live with despite everything.
nothing matters and im too tired to pretend it does so i can make it to another day.
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Hell to Pay: Chapter Fifty-Six
I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, XI, XII, XIII, XIV, XV, XVI, IX, IX, XX, XXI, XXII, XXIII, XIV, XV, XVI, XVII, XVIII, XVIIII, XXX, XXXI, XXXII, XXXIII, XXXIV, XXXV, XXXVI, XXXVII, XXXVIII, XXXIX, XL, XLI, XLII, XLIII, XLIV, XLV, XLVI, XLVII, XLVIII, XLIX, XLX, LI, LII, LIII, LIV, LV
cowritten by @lux-scriptum
Biela was in one of the cities of Assyra, helping provide some form of comfort and support to the many grieving families left without their young. The cities of her kingdom were slowly building their way back to their former glory thanks to the war ending, but there was still much, much work to be done.
And she would not rest until it was.
She was still half tempted to take her frustrations out on that angel and his foolish cousin who decided to defy nature in her lands, leaving her people to pay the consequences. But she held back, if only so they could live with what they had done.
Dacia and Caius both were with her to provide as much light and warmth in this time, something she had always lacked the ability to provide. Dacia stood by her side while combing the streets for a period of respite.
âI do hope this haunts them,â Biela said, darkly, letting Dacia link their arms together.
âI am sure it will,â Dacia replied. âLevant and Amara both.â
âHmph.â
They let silence fall for a bit longer when she felt a tugging at her skirt. She nearly thought it was some mangy animal, but stopped moving when she realized it was a child that was clinging to her skirts, clearly trying to keep herself from tumbling to the ground.
âWhoâs child is this?â Biela demanded, looking around.
Dacia was already moving to scooping her up when Biela locked eyes on a violet eyed child that had a hand half reaching for the toddler in Daciaâs arms. She nearly went after them had it not been for their bolting like a rabbit, likely to get as far away from Biela as physically possible.
Of course it ran. Biela never had much luck with children capable of forming their own opinions. They more often than not were best left silent. But for some reason, this particular toddler decided to demand her attention.
Dacia seemed to be looking the child over, checking for cuts or bruises, though she couldnât find any. She gave Biela a look that had Biela frowning at her. âWhat.â
âWell, clearly she had a home.â
âOh really?â Biela asked. âFrom the looks of it Iâd say she was missing a few requirements for that, considering her very dirty skin on top of her very dirty clothes.â
âWell all the more reason to take her with us,â Dacia replied. âChildren are dying. We cannot let another fall through the cracks.â
âI suppose,â Biela said, eyeing the child staring right back at her. She squinted.
When the child removed her hand from her mouth, as soaked with slobber as it was, she still reached out for Biela. Biela frowned in distaste. She had been soaked in blood once, but she still was not a fan of fluids from infants. âI will not take you,â Biela retorted to the baby. âBut fine, we will bring her with us.â
Biela thought back to the last thing Raziel had said to her the day before. That âCongratulationsâ stuck out in Bielaâs mind and she had half a thought to go wring that old birdâs neck.
She hated seers.
---
Lev was closing the door to Eden's nursery oh so carefully when Ash found him. And by found him, Lev meant Ash smacked the side of his leg with his cane. Lev stifled a yelp, so he didnât wake Eden, and glared at Ash. It was safe to do so because Ash couldnât see him.
âOw,â Lev mumbled, sidestepping another sweep of the cane. âI- can I help you?â He paused, and quickly corrected himself. âIs everything okay?â
âHm. Pick a new tone,â Ash said, flippantly. âI want you to make yourself useful and take me to Cameronâs library.â
Lev sighed softly, and started walking. âItâs this way,â he said, just to get Ash started. âThough I donât think heâs got any books in braille.â
âWell lucky for me Iâm not going to be the one doing the reading,â Ash replied, following after him.
âAm I-â Lev bit off his questions, and instead said, âItâs up these stairs, and then weâre gonna take a left.â
Ash slowly followed after him, taking one step at a time, clearly not quite used to climbing the stairs without the morsels of eyesight he once had.
Lev quietly narrated the path he took to one of the tables he liked to frequent during the few times heâd had the time to sequester himself away in the library. It was near the very meager collection of fiction Cameron had; most everything else in here seemed to be non-fiction of all sorts.
âIâm sure thereâs a system,â Ash said, side stepping the things in his way. âKnowing Cameron itâs bound to be just as elaborate as his many personalities.â At Levâs confusion Ash sighed. âA catalogue. Something to classify the books to keep them separate by title or genre or subject or something.â
âOh. Oh. Yeah. There is. Do- do you need me to find you a book?â
âI want you to find every book in Cameronâs library about the gods,â Ash said, leaning against one of the shelves. âYouâre going to actually learn something about well, something aside from whatever romance novel you are currently gurgitating.â
âGurgitating,â Lev mumbled to himself, trying not to sound annoyed. He puffed out a breath, and then, âIâll see if I can find a few. Thereâs a table next to you if you want to sit.â Though Ash might prefer to stand, so he could complain about that too.
He could feel Ashâs glare against his back. âIâm coming with you, genius,â Ash said. âHow about you knock the attitude off. I can feel your passive aggressive puffiness from here.â
Lev considered that, and then decided honesty was the best policy. âIâm just a little cranky,â he said, and then added, âAnd so are you. Iâm sorry if Iâve been snapping at you, though. Shouldnât take crankiness out on someone else. Not their fault.â
âDuly noted,â Ash said. âIâll be sure to pass that along to someone who cares. Now take me to the books.â
Lev led the way, gathering every book Ash told him to, up until his arms started to get tired, and then he very firmly insisted they go back to the table. âI canât carry any more,â he said, âAnd I certainly canât read all of these in one sitting. The rest arenât going anywhere.â
âThatâs fine,â Ash said, taking a few books from him to tuck under his arm. âYou wonât be able to retain all of what you need to know if you do that.â
Lev sighed, loud enough for Ash to definitely hear this time, but just settled down at his table, spreading the books out. Ash took the chair across from Lev and had him pull out the first book.
âDo you want me to read out loud?â Lev asked after a moment of staring at the introduction.
âTell me what you know about the gods,â Ash said. âThe angels should have given you a rudimentary understanding of each god in school, but angelic teachings tend⊠to embellish a little and make Asmi seem more important than the others. Which is not to say theyâre not important,â Ash added, hastily. âAs they are the god to the angels, but each is important and I want to figure out how much work youâre going to need to understand.â
Lev paused, trying to dig up memories well over a century old. âI knew of Asmi,â Lev confirmed. âAnd they said that demons split their worship between... Five? Five gods? I think? I know demonic magic is tied to specific gods. I think. Or- thereâs a choosing?â
âThere is Kaveh, the oldest- twin to Asmi, who is the one who created both the other gods and the demons. Demons were pulled from the earth as angels were the stars. Kavehâs magic is one of the most powerful, bestowed as they are the oldest god in the pantheon,â Ash said. âThey rule magic such as telepathy and forms of telekinesis and other mental based magics.â
Ash took a breath. âAsmi, as Kavehâs twin, was born at the same time. It was just them alone in the universe, right? Asmi created the angels so of course they would become the patron to all angels. As they are tied to the natural balance, all our abilities come from nature.â
âThird,â Ash said, âIs Mizra. Mizra is the seer. Knows all that is, was and all that could be. Theyâre known for being relatively⊠prickly, I guess. Just like Kaveh, but a different flavor. Next is Ruya. Ruya is the god of echos and reigns over the illusion workers. And lastly is Basim who rules over empathy based magics. Anything having to do with the emotional spectrum. Each god has access to the rawest magic, but only demons can access the designated power that each god rules over.â He paused, took another breath and leaned back. âDoes any of that make sense?â
Lev blinked several times. âI...â he trailed off. âThat was a lot. But.. I think so?â Even though Ash couldnât see, Lev ticked them off on his fingers, âKaveh is the oldest, and rules mental magics. Asmi is balance, Mizra is the Sight, Ruya is echoes and illusions. And- Um. Bas- Basim is empaths?â
âYes,â Ash said, satisfied. âTheyâre each patron to a particular person they find interesting, so a person can have two gods bugging them, but only hold power for one, if that makes sense? They might just⊠be a little more enhanced. Kaveh: the cunning and resourceful; Asmi: the natural order and witches; Mizra: survivors; Ruya: the wild and unchained, and Basim: patron to the merciful.â
âI... I think so?â Lev said hesitantly. âDoes everyone have a god who is their patron? Or only specific people?â
Ash rose a shoulder. âI think itâs just certain people that the gods have taken a liking to. I havenât read anything about every single demon having a patron on top of their god.â
Lev nodded slowly. âOkay,â he said out loud after a moment. âI think that makes sense.â He tapped his thumb on the book, and then asked thoughtfully, âDo gods favor bloodlines? I never really paid much attention to if demonsâ magic was genetic or not...â
âI do think sometimes itâs through bloodlines, unless a god has deliberately chosen the child. Their magic usually comes in around five to seven years old; just like an angelâs,â Ash said. âThe gods wait to see what the child will grow into and go from there.â
âThat makes sense,â Lev mumbled, more to himself than anything, and then said, âSo thereâs no real way to know what kind of magic Eden will have, then?â
âNot until sheâs close to five, no.â
Lev gave a small hum. âDoes Asmi ever choose demons?â He asked, just out of sheer curiosity.
âIf they find a liking to a person, sure,â Ash said. âTheyâll most likely bless that bloodline. Isnât Sorin a demon with fire magic anyways? Also, Asmi likely is responsible for the few powerful bloodlines of demonic healers. Theyâre very rare, just like elemental demonic users.â
Lev gave a few blinks. âI didnât-â He thought again. âRight. Faxâs cousin.â After another awkward pause, he added, âI forgot. Fax had fire magic too. He just so rarely used it. Mostly to light his cigarettes or the fireplace.â
Ash looked vaguely disapproving with the mention of cigarettes, but said nothing about it. âSazraâs bloodline is most likely one blessed by Asmi. Sheâs one of the very few demonic healers I have met. And sheâs a very strong one at that. Probably why she was in this house for so long. Demons were never very kind to their healers- always enslaved them.â
Oh. Lev looked down. âIâm guessing she wouldnât want my pity,â he said slowly.
âProbably not,â Ash said. âBut back to what I was saying. Power and magic are tied to the gods and the gods are tied to us. Sometimes even the gods walk among the people, though Asmi is somewhat trapped in their realm whereas the other gods are not.â Ash grimaced. âInstead they get to use me as their mouthpiece.â
âTheyâre trapped?â Lev asked, his concern getting dragged away from Sazra. âThat sounds awful.â
âLess trapped and more they donât have a physical form,â Ash admitted. âIf they want company from us mere mortals they are very capable of yanking us to them.â
âOh,â Lev said, considering that. âDo they do that often?â
âIâm not sure with other people besides me,â Ash said, âbut they sure do like my company. Maybe a little too much.â
âIâm sorry,â Lev said honestly. âIs there anything I can do to help?â
âItâs fine,â Ash said. âIâll manage.â
Lev frowned, but Ash couldnât see. He tapped the book with his thumb. âDo the gods talk directly to their followers often? Like when... when Asmi spoke to me, before I came back? Or did they only do so because I was... partly dead.â
âI think⊠they were curious and infuriated. Not many people show up on the gods' radar. When they do, they take notice.â
Lev nodded. âSo they donât visit people often. And thatâs true for all the gods?â
Ash lifted a shoulder. âFrom what Iâve seen, yeah. Maybe us mere mortals arenât all that interesting in the grand scheme of things, though Iâm sure they do find our little lives absolutely hilarious sometimes.â
âAh,â Lev said, rubbing his face. âI suppose bastardizing nature would put me on their radar,â he sighed.
âAnd now we donât have magic,â Ash said, sardonically. âIâm sure weâll be hearing from Asmi soon.â
---
Cameron was seated in the chair while Darius napped. He had been working on the backed up paperwork from the last several days. He had a solid chunk of paperwork from both the club and further Obsidian Court workings when there was a feather light knock on the door.
He bit back his irritable sigh and looked up to see one of the sentries standing stiffly in the doorway. Cameron flicked Darius a look, to make sure he was still sleeping before fixing his attention on the sentry. âWhat do you want?â
âThereâs an angel here,â they said.
âI am aware there are several angels here,â Cameron said, crossly. âBe more specific.â
âRaziel,â he rushed out. âUm, she said her name was Raziel.â
Oh brilliant. âAnd what does that overcooked chicken want?â Cameron said, flatly. âLev is unable to speak with his family for the next several decades.â
âSheâs here for you, sir.â
âYou can tell Raziel to fly her carcass back to her roost,â Cameron said, turning his focus back to his work, dismissing the sentry to do his bidding.
Cameron had but a few moments of peace before the sentry returned, looking rather ashened. âIâm afraid she was rather insistent, sir.â
Cameron sighed sharply out of his nose and got to his feet. The sentry stiffened slightly as Cameron walked past him, ordering him to not take his eyes off Darius while Cameron dealt with the ancient angel.
âAnd to what do I owe this displeasure,â Cameron said, eyeing Raziel, sliding his hands into his pockets.
âMizra sent me,â Raziel said, irritatingly calm as always. âSo unfortunately, I am not able to leave until Iâve passed their message along.â
Cameronâs eyes narrowed slightly. âI havenât been to a temple in well over five hundred years.â In fact, he had never stepped foot inside one to begin with. âWhy would they bother themselves with my presence now?â
âBoth kingdoms are healing,â Raziel said. âAnd theyâre tired of waiting for you to come to them. Iâm sure if I hadnât reached out to them for my own reasons they would have found another way to reach out to you and demand you listen.â
Cameron fixed his jaw. âWeâll speak in my office,â he said, walking past her.
Raziel followed him, staying a good three paces behind him until they reached the office. She even settled in the chair without prompting, hooking one knee over the other.
Cameron took his place behind his desk and leaned back. He eyed her for a few seconds, trying to figure the best approach to handle both Mizra and Raziel. âI have not participated in the Rite,â Cameron said, evenly. âI am not able to, so I do not have any connections with Mizra.â
Every demon born had their god and had their own coming of age where they cemented their connection to their god. Every demon, legitimate or not, was supposed to form the connections with their god in order to fully claim their abilities. Cameron never had, his mother had forbade it, so his magic was barely a whisper of anything- calling it a magic felt like too grand of a word. He had never spoken to a priestess, of any god. Cameron had no Rite to claim.
Raziel didnât even blink. âThen complete it. Before Mizra starts meddling more personally.â
âI do not have the time,â Cameron said. âAnd I am now much too old. Have been for well over five hundred years.â
âMake time. Your god demands it.â She flicked her fingers at him. âYour household doesnât need a second god looking at it with ire. Nothing I remember of the Rite says you canât complete it later in life.â Her silver eyes tracked his every minute move. âIâm sure youâre not the only one with subpar parents.â
âI suggest you do not speak ill of my parents,â Cameron said, flippantly. âTheyâre my problem and theyâre also dead. No need for you to make judgements that do not pertain to you. Besides, the Rite is a demonic passage. Perhaps you should keep to your own lane in that matter. I will make time, but it will have to wait.â Cameron rubbed his temples, alleviating the growing pressure. âAs I said, I am busy.â
âI did not mean offense,â Raziel said mildly. âI spoke only of what Mizra told me. And on top of what theyâve said of your parents, ill or otherwise, they have insisted you speak to them.â
âWhat part of âI am busyâ seems to get lost in your decrepit mind?â Cameron snapped.
It was then that Cameron felt himself be⊠pulled somewhere; he and Raziel both. Cameron went very still when a very pale⊠being was standing in front of him. Mizra, he presumed, with their pale skin and white hair, almost a similar likeness to himself. They looked less than pleased to drag him here into their realm. âWhen I request you,â they said, coolly. âI do not mean to be put off for something you consider more important. There is nothing more important than I, do you understand me?â
âMy apologies,â Cameron said. âI did not mean any disrespect.â
Mizraâs eyes narrowed. âThere is not an ounce of respect in your frail little body, Cameron Luain.â
âMizra,â Raziel said. âIt would make pulling us here rather pointless if you lose your temper now.â And then she smiled at the god.
Mizra fixed their mouth into a thin line. âYour mother,â they said, turning back to face Cameron, âdefied my wishes when she decided to keep you from me in attempt to keep you powerless.â Cold washed down Cameronâs skin. âShe is now rotting in the ground and no longer an obstacle, therefore, I am very kindly requesting you have the Rite performed.â
Cameron flicked Raziel a glance before tightly folding his arms over his chest. âI suppose I will make the time,â he bit out, bowing his head slightly.
He could feel their very smug faint smile directed his way. âVery good,â they said. âIt seems when I told Raziel to fix you, I had not accounted for how foolishly bullheaded you male creatures are.â
âThank you for your assistance,â Raziel interjected. âI apologize I was not able to successfully pass along your message on my own.â
Mizra frowned at her. âYes, I do suppose you did fail in your one task, Raziel. I had expected far better from someone I had blessed.â
âI suppose Iâm out of practice,â Raziel replied. âIâll do better next time.â If Cameron didnât know better heâd say Razielâs silver eyes, so eerily similar to Mizraâs, crinkled with affection at the god.
âAs you should,â Mizra said, primly. âFailure is unacceptable and I would so hate to find someone else to keep me company. Most of you mortals are rather boring.â
Cameron was rapidly growing all the more irritable with these too ancient beings and found the phantom pain in his head to be growing steadily behind his eye.
Mizra cut their focus to Cameron. âAnd while I have you here,â they said, âI expect you to start eating something. Youâre too thin and disgusting. You need to eat more.â
Cameron stared blankly at the god. âYou want me to eat more?â he echoed.
Why would a god care about his eating habits?
âOh please,â Mizra huffed, âI do detest repeating myself.â
âI could always check in on him,â Raziel offered.
Cameron cut her a withering glare. The last thing he needed was Raziel to babysit him. âLast I checked,â Cameron said, âyou were barred from Levâs presence.â
Mizra waved a dismissive hand. âYou make it sound like I care what your little king wants,â Mizra said. âRaziel will do my bidding and hold your hand if need be.â
Cameron felt rage boil under his skin, but promptly kept his mouth shut.
âI highly doubt Iâll need to go that far,â Raziel said, amused.
âWas there anything else you required of me,â Cameron bit out.
âOh very well, very well,â Mizra said, âIf youâre going to act like a child I will send you back. Raziel, I will speak to you soon.â
With that, Cameron felt himself be dropped into his body.
Raziel looked annoyingly unruffled. âSo Iâll see you next week?â She said lightly.
Cameron got to his feet and leaned over his desk. âGet the hell out of my house right now,â he snapped. âIf you are not off of my property in the next five minutes I will not be so pleasant. Get out now.â
Raziel lifted a single brow, but stood gracefully. âIâll let you know before I come over next time,â she said on her way out. âDo not make Mizra wait much longer. They have much less patience than I.â
Cameron let the door shut behind her before he nearly collapsed in his chair. He grabbed his head, tight, hoping to alleviate the pressure building, but it did very little.
---
Nik woke from his nap, still angry and irritable. The last twenty-four hours had not done much for his temper so he had taken a nap. And that did not help either. He wandered the house and found a rather beautiful man in the bedroom, sitting up in the bed. âWell you must be Darius,â Nik said, crossly.
The man gave him a rather mild smile and nodded.
Nikâs eyes narrowed. âSo are you crippled and canât talk or are you being annoying on purpose.â When Darius didnât say anything, because of course he didnât, Nik said, âRight, whatever. So I guess youâre Cameronâs boyfriend or something? And you were dead, so why didnât you stay dead? Nevermind, thatâs stupid. I guess if you were going to defy nature, you might as well do it for Cameron.â
Darius cocked his head and reached for a pad of paper only to scribble a âItâs nice to meet you, Nik.â
âOh please,â Nik said, âIâm being a dickhead to you. You donât need to lie to me.â
âIâm not lying,â Darius wrote. âIâm rather used to crass language when people are upset.â
âIâm being crass?â Nik demanded. âI think you being alive is rather inconvenient for me since everyone in this damned house knows who the hell you are besides me.â
âI apologize for Cameron not telling you,â Darius said. âIt was all rather sudden. I do hope we can be friends, Nik.â
Nik rolled his eyes. âDo I look like someone who has friends?â
âAsh and Amara seem rather fond of you,â Darius observed.
Nik rubbed the back of his neck. âYeah, well, Ash and Amara make bad choices daily, so I wouldnât hold either of them to a high standard. Case in point: bringing people back from the dead and killing a million kids, but hey, what do I know?â
And now heâs in the line of fire.
Sympathy shone in Dariusâ eyes and it took tremendous effort to not wipe that infuriating look off his face. âStop looking at me like that,â he snapped. âIâm not Cameron and Iâm sure as hell not Lev. Puppy eyes donât work on me.â
âWell, Iâm actually a cat.â
âOh great,â Nik said. âYouâre a cat.â
Darius gave him a dry, feline smile. âNot a fan of cats?â
âNot this particular one.â
âIf it helps,â Darius wrote. âCameron loathes cats as well.â
âWell he clearly likes you,â Nik said, frowning. âIf you claw up my clothes, Iâll cut your hair off.â
âWell, I will make a note to leave your clothes alone,â Darius replied.
âI think you enjoy mocking me,â Nik said. âYou get to waltz in and drop into my relationship because Cameron killed you or something. Iâm sure the whole thing was very traumatic.â
That was the moment Lev chose to poke his head in. His brows furrowed in his usual expression of worry, and he was quick to cross the room. Nik folded his arms as he watched Lev kiss Darius on the cheek.
Traitor.
Lev was just as quick to tuck himself into Nikâs side, however, insistently tugging at Nikâs arms until he could pull it around his shoulders. Against his will, Nik felt himself loosening as Lev scented him, a low soothing purr coming from Lev as he did.
âIs everything okay?â Lev asked.
âI mean I guess,â Nik said, crossly. âI wake up to him in my bed that I canât even sleep in because I guess it was his bed first, or something.â
Lev nosed at Nikâs jaw lightly. âIt was,â Lev said unhelpfully, and then, with irritating optimism, Lev added, âWe can pick another room. Any room. I doubt Cameron will make you stay in the rooms heâs moved us to right now. And I also doubt heâd say no about much of anything when it comes to decorating your new room. Not right now, anyway. The opportunities are almost endless.â
âWhatever,â Nik said. âI have to move around my life because Cameron felt bad for killing the guy.â He glared at Darius frowning at him. âYouâre not special,â he said. âJust because youâre some pretty face doesnât mean shit. Weâre all pretty faces. Donât expect me to get in line to kiss your ass like everyone else.â
Darius blinked at him, seemingly bewildered, but he just nodded at him.
âNikolas,â Lev chastised, but even his scolding was tempered by worry. âDarius hasnât done anything. And I was the one that asked for him; Iâm the one that told Cameron he was still there.â Lev hesitated, and then added gently, âDarius helped me while I was dead. He kept me steady, kept me sane. He deserves another chance as much as I do. More. Heâs a kind person, Nik. Thatâs all.â
Nik sighed through his nose. âFine,â he said, rubbing his eyes. âIs Cameron home or is he going to resurrect some other not-boyfriend?â
Lev shrugged. âLast I saw he was in here with Darius, so I donât know.â
âI think heâs in his office,â Darius offered.
âIâm hungry,â Nik mumbled, pathetically.
âI can go get Cameron,â Lev offered, oh-so-helpfully. âWith everything going on I don't think itâs a good idea for us to touch anything in his kitchen. Besides, Eden should wake up from her nap soon, and sheâll need a snack too.â
âOkay.â
---
Lev knocked on Cameronâs office door lightly, but didnât wait to open it. The room was dark, and Lev almost assumed it was empty, but he heard a quiet, âShut the door,â from the direction of Cameronâs desk, so he slipped inside, closing it obediently.
After letting his eyes adjust, Lev realized Cameron was bent over the desk, head in his arms. Lev chose to approach slowly, hovering his hand over Cameronâs shoulder before ultimately letting it drop back to his side instead. âAre you okay?â he asked gently.
âIâm fine,â Cameron said, stiffly. âJust a headache.â
Right. Lev worried his lip between his teeth. âNikâs hungry,â he finally said. âI can make him something, if youâd like.â
âFine,â Cameron said, dismissively. âJust clean up after yourself.â
Lev nodded, but didnât move. âI had something else to ask,â he finally said. âIf thatâs okay?â
âAlright.â
âI should probably get back to training, if I can get Ash to sign off on it? Or Sazra?â Lev fiddled with the bottom of his shirt, and then grimaced. âOr- can I? I don't- it doesnât have to be you, but- I had planned- without my magic- well, without my magic, I really am useless, arenât I? And I donât like feeling like Iâm a vulnerability for Nik, especially when heâs pregnant.â He took a deep breath, hardened his tone. âI wonât let anything happen to my mate.â
âProbably,â Cameron agreed. âGet it okayed by Ash and Sazra and I will put it into my schedule. Iâll fit you in.â
âI- oh. Okay,â Lev said, trying not to be too enthusiastic. He put his hand on Cameronâs shoulder as he started to say, âThank you,â but his voice died a little as he realized just how thin Cameronâs shoulder was.
Cameron carefully removed Levâs hand from his shoulder. Even in the dark Lev could see Cameron giving him a slow once over, noting how clothes that had fit perfectly a month ago were just a little loose now. Lev hadnât paid attention before, but Cameronâs shrewd gaze made him hyper aware.
âMake sure you eat too,â was all Cameron said in the end. âAnd close the door behind you when you leave.â
Lev swallowed. He ran his fingers through Cameronâs hair once, just to reassure himself that he could, that they were both still there and then backed for the door. âIâll bring you something later,â he promised. âAnd some painkillers.â
He made sure that the door clicked shut as quietly as he could.
---
While Cyrus flipped through one of the several books heâd lain on the bed, Sorin napped sprawled on his lap. Sorinâs surprisingly strong tail wrapped around his wrist insistently, the prehensile appendage tugging every once and a while as the demon dreamed.
Cyrus had spent the last few hours reading up on the gods. While he was certainly more educated, he felt like it was only a surface level understanding of them. Which- understandable. There was a lot, and these were gods.
Rather than continue to stare blankly at the pages, Cyrus settled more deeply into the pillows he was propped up against. Sorin huffed at him, his tail tightening briefly, but when Cyrus made no move to get up, the demon fell asleep again pretty quickly.
Once the house was quiet, Cyrus closed his eyes and tried to remember how Darius had shown him how to reach out for Asmi. Itâd certainly been more ritualistic than Cyrus was able to do right now, but even attempting without the words and candles and pomp and ceremony, when Cyrus opened his eyes, he was back in the warm room, Asmi seated before him.
âAsmi,â Cyrus said, dipping into a small bow. He looked up, offering a small smile. âWill it always be that easy to reach you?â
Asmi lifted a brow. âIf you were aware of your studies, you would know,â they said, amused.
Cyrus gave a shrug in acquiescence. âTrue,â he said, âBut who better to ask my questions than you? Iâve been reading, while my mate keeps me on bedrest. Trying to understand all of it. The sheer amount of literature to wade through is... overwhelming.â
Asmi brought their tea to their lips. âI imagine getting caught up on nearly forty years of spellwork will take you some time. Iâm sure you will now have plenty of time to do so without your magic distracting you.â
âWas taking my magic an opportunity to learn or a punishment?â Cyrus asked, out of sheer curiosity.
Asmi merely gave Cyrus a slight smile.
Cyrus settled in the closest chair with a bit more weight than he usually would. It seemed even in this dimension he was weaker than usual. âSome things have to remain a secret, then?â He asked, mulling it over.
âI told you there will be a price to pay,â they said. âYou will pay it tenfold. I do not like to be made weakened by anyone, and this time, my point will be made.â
âI understand,â Cyrus said quietly. âI donât take this lightly, and I will work hard to learn what I can while without magic.â
âExcellent,â Asmi said, setting their mug of tea down. âYou will not regain your magic until I am satisfied.â Asmi flicked a hand, and with a ripple of magic Ash, Lev and Darius appeared in the room with them.
Ash was quick to bow deeply before standing upright wearily. âYou summoned me?â
Cyrus flicked a glance at the other two; Lev was quite bewildered, though he gave an echo of Ashâs movements after a beat. Darius gave his own slow bow before quietly buckling into the chair behind him.
Cyrus thought about moving to check on him, but Lev beat him to it, fussing quietly while keeping an eye on Asmi warily. As much as he hated to admit it, he was relieved. It would have taken a lot of energy to stand. Instead he fixed Asmi with another curious stare. âI assume you have a message for all four of us?â
âYou should watch your assumptions,â Asmi said. âBut yes, I do and I did not feel the need to repeat myself four different times.â
âApologies,â Cyrus murmured, before falling silent expectantly.
âApologies noted,â Asmi said, crossing their legs. âI have spoken to Levant already, about carrying a piece of the burden should you defy the natural balance once more. You have all felt its effects. There is and will be a void where your magic was and would be, and that void shall remain until you earn the right to your magic. I demand respect from the lot of you and for you to learn a lesson.â
Ash looked a mix of rage and submission but ultimately hung his head without a word.
âHow do we earn it?â Lev asked, and then immediately looked like he wished the ground would swallow him up. Cyrus grimaced in sympathy, but heâd been wondering the same thing, and so he simply looked to Asmi again. Earning it could mean a thousand things, and they were all from different places and backgrounds in life.
A serpentine smile curled on Asmiâs lips. âI am glad you ask. You will all learn everything about the gods, you will worship and devote yourselves accordingly. You will become nearly as knowledgeable and devoted as a priestess and you will not have your magic returned to you until all of you satisfy me. Not one, not three. All four of you will satisfy me or none of you will satisfy me.â
âUnderstood,â Cyrus said. Heâd honestly expected something worse, and judging by the surprise on Levâs face, so had the angel. Ash and Darius were harder to read, but that was just fine.
Asmiâs eyes narrowed, seemingly reading his mind. âBe glad it is not Kaveh. Would you wish to want harsher punishments, I am sure they will be more than willing to provide.â
âOf course,â Cyrus murmured. Where faint enthusiasm had grown in Lev's expression, itâd quickly become ashen, and heâd reached for Dariusâ hand silently.
Darius quietly squeezed Lev's hand. âYour mercy is much appreciated,â Darius murmured, hoarsely. âWe will do all that you ask.â
Lev nodded vigorously, again simply echoing the sentiment.
âI will make sure to help in any way,â Ash said. âI already have Lev reading the old books on the various gods from Cameronâs library.â
Cyrus nodded slowly. âI might reach out to you,â he said to Ash, before adding, âAnd Sorin can find resources for me in places I cannot go. Though it might be a few days; weâre going to be moving soon, before Bielaâs mercy wanes. I wonât be welcome in demonic territory at all for the foreseeable future, if ever.â
âI canât leave Cameronâs house,â Lev piped up nervously. âAnd Darius shouldnât be moving around much yet either.â
âWell itâs not like your magic is going anywhere,â Asmi replied. âIâm sure you will figure out how to get to a temple. The lot of you are irritatingly creative.â
âBest see if Biela has any mercy left to spare,â Cyrus advised, even as he thought internally that they might not get their magic back in the next half century just from this.
âBetter chance of draining the ocean with a straw,â Ash muttered.
Lev sighed softly, and looked down at Darius. âI can talk to Cameron,â he said. âWeâll figure it out.â
When Darius nodded tiredly, Asmi said, âIf you all have nothing else interesting to say I am sending you back.â They didnât give much room for Lev, Darius, or Ash to speak before they disappeared.
Cyrus blinked at where they had been. âThank you,â he said, and then clarified, âFor taking the time to explain. You could have left us to flounder.â
âI see no point wasting my time,â they said, dismissively. âYou will likely have the most to learn, as you think you are above myself and had performed that heinous magic twice. You will find my mercy and my forgiveness is not easily won.â
Asmi waved a hand and sent Cyrus back to his body. Judging from how Sorinâs face was so close to his he could feel the demonâs whiskers tickling his face, itâd been obvious that Cyrus hadnât been in bed with him in any way beyond physical. Sorin pressed a paw to Cyrusâ chest slowly, spreading his toes and digging his claws in. Five sharp points let Cyrus know just how pisssed Sorin was.
âAlright, alright,â Cyrus muttered. âIâll rest.â
Sorin gave a pointed sniff, but backed off, nosing the books onto the floor before Cyrus could move them himself. He draped himself across Cyrusâ body, purring deep in his chest the moment Cyrus relaxed.
Point taken.
---
Nik found himself getting summoned to Cameronâs office. He couldnât even come get him himself, instead he had one of his toadies come and fetch him. Nik did pause, though, when he realized Cameronâs office was pitch black. âCameron?â
âSit.â
âWell great to see you, too,â Nik muttered, plopping down on the chair across from him. âFor what have you summoned me?â
Cameron looked up in his direction, his eyes glowing animal bright in the darkness. It was so leery; NIk kept forgetting demons could do that. âI want you to go stay with your brother,â he said.
âYouâre seriously kicking me out?â Nik said. âIs it because I refused to kiss Dariusâ ass?â
Cameron blinked slowly at him, clearly not aware of Nik and Dariusâ previous conversation. âNo,â he said, mildly. âAnd itâs not forever. You can come back, if you want, during the weekends or for a couple of days during the week, the choice is yours.â
âIs this because of the demon lands being poisoned?â
âYes,â Cameron said. âAnd since you decided to keep the fetus, and you decided to mate with me, that makes you both my responsibility, and Iâm not going to let your sentimentality cause a miscarriage or stillbirth because you wanted to be near Lev.â
Nik felt heat rise in his face. âSo what, because you mated with me, so my dad couldnât take me home, you now have control of me?â
âIf you want to be so frank,â Cameron said, bluntly, âwe can do that. Demonic customs and all of that. However, consider it me giving you the choice to come back a few days of the week. Iâd rather keep you off demonic land all together if I had my way about it.â
âAnd you donât?â Nik snapped.
âIf I had my way about anything, your brother would be dragging you by your ear back to his house in the next thirty minutes,â Cameron said, sharply. âIf I had my way, you wouldnât be back until the fetus was well past four months old when the likelihood of an infant death was not nearly so high. If you wish to act like a petulant child, do it on your own time.â
âI am not acting like a child.â
âYes,â Cameron said, âyou are. Youâre throwing hissy fits when youâre not getting your way and yelling at people for things they had nothing to do with. You are actively being a selfish little twat who refuses to not do what the hell is the right thing to do because you want to stay with Lev.â
Nik stared at him in shocked outrage. âDid you seriously call me a twat?â
âIs that all you got from that,â Cameron snapped. âSo help me if I have to make the choice for you, you are not coming back to this house for the next eight months, you hear me? I will have your brother tie you to a fucking tree to make my godsdamned point.â
Nik opened and closed his mouth a few times, unable to form a thought, let alone a coherent sentence. â...fine,â he said. âIâll go. I just, I didnât want to leave either of you, especially when you canât follow.â
âWe will be fine,â Cameron said, a shade calmer. âIâm sure Lev will facetime you or knit you some baby blanket to pass the time, or whatever it is angels do for their pregnant mates. I donât really care as long as both of you stop pissing me off.â
Any other time the idea of Lev knitting would make him wheeze. âIâm sorry,â Nik said, leaning back into the chair, dragging his fingers through his hair. âIâm just- I feel like I canât get my footing lately and all of us are spinning out.â
âWell this will be a good chance for you to get grounded then, isnât it?â
âWhen am I going?â he said, defeatedly.
âNate will be here within the hour.â
----
It was dark when Eden woke. It was dark and she did not like that. No one was there to pick her up, and she didnât like that even more. Papi had left her again. She remembered him leaving, and then Da had put her to bed instead of the pale one later that night. That was too many alterations to what was right and she did not like it.
Not one bit.
A shrill shriek bubbled in her throat, and she banged her hands on the side of her crib the moment she pulled herself up.
No one came to pick her up, which really was unfair. Eden deserved to be picked up. She screeched again, but the house was silent other than her cries.
Filled with the determination of a child wronged by the world, Eden scrabbled her way over the side of the crib. She hit the floor with a solid thud, and almost began to cry from the shock of it all. After a few minutes of sniffling, Eden was on her way again, hooking her little fingers around the door. It took a few tries, and she got it stuck on her leg more than once, but she got it open.
One of the Big Talls stared down at her, seeming as startled to see her as she was to see them. Rather than wait to see what theyâd do, Eden booked it, moving as fast as she could crawl on chubby baby legs.
Behind her, the Big Tall said something loudly, and unwelcome hands grabbed her around the waist. Eden wailed a toddler war cry and bit the nearest finger with her little fangs. That seemed to work, because very quickly she found herself on the ground, even if the Big Tall still had a grip on her, and had cushioned her fall.
---
Cameron had yet to go to bed. He was sitting it the dark in Dariusâ room past midnight with a small light and his book. His head snapped up when he heard Edenâs telltale screech-crying right aside a grown demonâs screaming as well.
He quietly sat down his book, ignoring the pain pulsing behind his eye and wrapping around his head and headed for the sound in question.
He found Eden on the floor, sitting and crying and smacking the sentryâs face, perhaps to get him to stop screaming. Or maybe she just felt like hitting someone.
Cameron scooped her up off the floor and peered down at the sentryâs bleeding hand and back to Edenâs sharp little fangs. âI see your venom has come in,â he sighed. He toed the sentryâs face up in his direction. âI will make sure to add this inconvenience to your paycheck. When you get a hold of yourself, take the rest of the night off.â
With that, Cameron stepped around him and took Eden down the hall. She was sniffling and mouthing at Cameronâs shoulder. He lightly pinched her leg. âBite me and Iâll bite back,â he warned.
She seemed intent on ignoring his threat.
Cameron opened the door of the bedroom Lev was sleeping in and flicked the lights on. âWake up,â he said, even as Lev stirred awake.
Lev propped himself up on his elbow and squinted at them. âEden?â
âYou wanted to keep the baby,â Cameron said, irritably, tracking across the room. âTake her. Be careful, though, her venom came in.â
âOh baby,â Lev said, reaching for her. He was sitting up by now, and once Eden was safely in his lap he started rubbing her back lightly. âShe can stay in my bed tonight. Maybe she had a nightmare.â
âMaybe,â Cameron agreed, tiredly. âJust donât roll on top of her, I guess.â He started for the doorway and flicked the lights off once more, at least giving himself some relief. âIâll be back in the morning.â
Cameron made his way back to his chair, rubbing his temples on the way. Unsurprisingly Darius was sitting up, waiting for him. He patted the bed on the side Cameron had always slept on, clearly offering him the spot.
âYou should be asleep.â
Darius gave him a very long look that Cameron chose to interpret as he should be as well- and then promptly dismissed it. âI have work I need to be doing.â
A small crease formed between Dariusâ brows and he patted the bed more insistently.
Cameron sighed sharply. âIf I get in, will you stop being a nuisance and go to sleep?â When Darius nodded, pleased, Cameron sighed once more and began undressing slowly, doing his best to not further aggravate his headache.
He crawled into the bed and put his face in the pillow, all too aware of the coolness of Dariusâ skin next to his.
tagging: Â @incandescent-creativity @solangelo3088 @lil-miss-red @halstudies @littleyellowdinosaur @caelisis @idreamonpaper
#writeblr#writers on tumblr#wip boost#original writing#ch: cameron#ch: nik#ch: the gods#ch: ash#ch: darius#hell to pay
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Mmmmmmmm ok ok ok im back, i read your posts and noticed that maybe... I only asked about Nib and not Bin jeje, sometimes i just think things but forget to write/say them.
I like both of them, they are very different from each other, except maybe for the nonverbal part? That's a common denominator i really like.
I love what you've got going on for Bin, like the universes, the energy streams, the fucked up society âą, the transportation powers and how it ended up in animal crossing, very fitting because nobody there will give a fuck that it is so strange.
Don't know if this is what you were going for but the clipping through walls and weird 'glitchy' stuff may be due to it being an entity used to the physics of its world of origin, so it sometimes forgets how this new world works and just ends up doing the weirdest shit like letting water clip through it to get to the sea floor easier to get cool stuff to sell and the villagers would be like 'hey cool, wanna hang out?'
I was left with some questions, if you will indulge me further
Does Nib's 'human' form was something it willing made or some kind of transformation it suffered while entering this reality?
Did it get hurt and the missing arm was a result or it's just how it was born? (I think this sounds like the question above :/
You mentioned it can't use it's mouth to eat or talk, does it live only from what energy it can take from the current universe it lives in?
Does it partake in ingesting food in anyway? Maybe more liquid-y through a straw like a smoothie or just candy/stuff it can disolve in it's mouth?
...
I have more but these are a lot already, sorry.
Once again, take your time, answer only if you feel comfortable. You don't have to draw if you don't feel like it.
No pressure jajja I'm just a very curious person :P and your OC's are very interesting.
Once again don't forget to rest and take care of yourself!! Have some nuggets or maybe something else you like :3
I say this when just last night i pulled an all nighter just to olay pokemon masters.... BUT I GOT INGO AND ELESA.
I'll sleep early tonight, promise.
EHEHEHEE so fortunately (maybe unfortunately?) for the both of us im too tired to draw anyhting for Bin because ive been drawing Nib content all day, but i can Defo write a text reply! and yes, you're right, i am still working on the nib response to ur previous ask!
before we get into bin tho U RLY BETTER GET SOME SLEEP. im being a hypocrite rn but its ok cuz i only work one day n then i have 2 off so i will have plenty of time to rest afterwards :]. but u gotta get some rest!!
(also. do u think i should...get pokemon masters......? im tempted...)
OKAY BIN STUFF BELOW THE CUT
ALL THE ART IN THE LAST FEW POSTS AND IN THIS POST WAS DRAWN LIKE MONTHS AGO so i am not drawing anything new im just sharing all the bullshit i drew for bin already! usual warnings for body horror, also some sfw nudity. so anyway, to answer in order:
yeah about nib and bin being pretty different!!! bin is a lot more... i mean, it's an "adult" (vaguely young adult-ish), so that's a big difference already, and it's weird in a funky monster kinda way. nib, meanwhile, is just a goofy-ass kid. i Do enjoy that both nib and bin are kinda naive, though bin's naivety is a lot less childlike and a lot more "i am a weird extradimensional Creature and idk how the world works".
Don't know if this is what you were going for but the clipping through walls and weird 'glitchy' stuff may be due to it being an entity used to the physics of its world of origin, so it sometimes forgets how this new world works and just ends up doing the weirdest shit
it's less that Bin forgets how the world works, and a lot more like bin's body forgets. or, even more accurately, the world itselfâthe fabric of this universeâhas no idea how to react to bin's anomalous body. i wanna say that bin is maybe 80 or 90% Physical Meats and Liquids, and the rest is something that can't be easily perceived by this universe. so, like, bin can't stick properly to our "layer" of existence, i guess, and that leads to weird glitchy shit.
bin still has its powers, but it has no idea How to access them 100%, though it can access them overall pretty moderately.
Does Nib's 'human' form was something it willing made or some kind of transformation it suffered while entering this reality?
bin had no say in how their body got created!! when it dropped into AC universe, its being tried really, really hard to conform to the third dimension, and bin was... unconscious during the process. it woke up Like That and just had to role with it.
Did it get hurt and the missing arm was a result or it's just how it was born? (I think this sounds like the question above :/
"born" with it, so to speak!! if bin were 100% human, it'd have been born without an arm; as it is, when bin was an angel, it was "missing a limb" as well, though in a weird angelic way that idk how to describe or even really perceive. it just translated over into the physical world.
bin's body is fucking weird. here's some art (nudity warning, but sfw)
it can alter its body with a lot of work, but bin doesn't really think its worth it to try and get rid of the extra pieces. and, in case you're curious, bin Cannot give itself another arm. any possible manifestation of it would be missing a limb.
You mentioned it can't use it's mouth to eat or talk, does it live only from what energy it can take from the current universe it lives in?
Does it partake in ingesting food in anyway? Maybe more liquid-y through a straw like a smoothie or just candy/stuff it can disolve in it's mouth?
bin can actually eat!! it just cant Chew, at least not properly. it doesn't need to eat as much as a normal person mostly because it's so, so full of energy that it could perpetuate itself Forever, but only if it didnt have a physical/3d body. it needs to eat enough to keep the meat and liquid of its body Alive and Nourished, but it otherwise can provide itself energy jsut fine for probably millions of years.
as for How it eats.... yeah, mostly soups? smoothies that itll eat with a spoon (cant really use a straw properly), itll suck on candy, etc. sometimes if it wants something Solid, itll either cut it up in tiny pieces and eat it that way, or itll just spend a while gnawing it slowly. its jaw isnt strong enough to rip into solid foods, but it can worry and work at the food until little pieces break off
thank u for questions!!! i love talking about my ocs, haha
heres more random doodles from before
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Final Fantasy III Review
Year: 1990
Original Platform: Famicom
Also Available on: Nintendo DS, iOS (DS port), Android (iOS port), Ouya (Android port), Steam (Android port), PSP (iOS port)
Wii/3DS/Wii U Virtual Consoles and Nintendo Classic Edition releases are only in Japan.
Version I Played: DS
Synopsis:
Four orphans (originally only named by the player, DS remake gives them names) fall into a crevice after a sudden earthquake. There, a mysterious crystal warns them about the oncoming darkness that will engulf the world. The four orphans must band together to restore the balance between light and dark. Â
Gameplay:
ARE YOU READY TO GET YOUR ASS BEAT?
YOUR BALLS ROCKED?
Iâm warning you â this is the most difficult Final Fantasy game to date.
There are no ethers - only elixirs, which you should definitely reserve for the hardest battles. Also, phoenix downs cannot be found in stores - only in treasure chests and as dropped or stolen items from enemies.
The gameplay returns to that of the original Final Fantasy â turn-based combat and the Job System, only this time the Job System is greatly expanded. Vikings and Geomancers and Bards and Dragoons and the list goes on. Summons are introduced to the series via the Evoker job, which later gets upgraded to Summoner. The expanded Job System allowed for greater customization of your four characters than in the original Final Fantasy.
This game is notable for the Onion Knight. In the beginning of the original Famicom game, the default job is Onion Knight. If you continue playing as an Onion Knight, your stats remain relatively low. However, if you dare to play the entire game as an Onion Knight and reach level 99 â the Onion Knight suddenly turns into the most powerful job in the game.
The DS remake does things a little differently. Instead of the Onion Knight, you start out as a Freelancer â a new job that has a little bit of everything. However, the longer you use the Freelancer job, the weaker you become. This is a good incentive to have players naturally explore other jobs.
The unfortunate feature of the DS remake though is that the Onion Knight is ONLY available after performing sidequests via wireless with friends. This is impossible to do now since the wireless features for the original Nintendo DS (and also the Wii) have been discontinued. HOWEVER. Playing the DS remake through Steam allows you to unlock the Onion Knight by completing at least 25% of your bestiary. You will then receive a message via the Mognet to start the sidequest.
Final Fantasy III is notorious for its high difficulty. The trick mostly lies in constantly switching between jobs and finding the right balance for the right moment. However, changing jobs requires you to level up that job. This means grinding â lots and lots of grinding. Insane amounts of grinding. This is Final Fantasy: Grind City.
In retrospect, Final Fantasy II was hard as well, yes, but more in a stupid way. Leveling up there was annoying but people could find tricks around it like finding weaker enemies and purposely hitting yourself and healing yourself to raise your HP or defense stats.
Final Fantasy III is difficult but it hurt so good. This game turned me into a masochist. There's two types of video game rage - the good and the bad kind. The bad kind is usually because the game's mechanics are irritating or virtually unplayable. The good kind is cursing out loud but then saying, "I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME!" and actually being pumped about trying again because you see it as a challenge.  Â
The game has an explosively difficult finale. The finale takes place in the Crystal Tower, which is surrounded by Ancientâs Maze. You have to walk through the maze, then through the tower, then fight multiple bosses through other events which I wonât spoil here. The entire ordeal can pretty well take up an entire hour. At least (in the DS version, I donât know about Famicom) you can save before entering the Crystal Tower. But if you ever need to venture out into the world map again to get something you forgot, you have to go through the Ancientâs Maze. Once you enter the Crystal Tower, you cannot save the game. Itâs one long shot to the final of final bosses. In the Crystal Tower, you get to walk around seemingly endless and maze-like floors such as this:
 YAY.
Seriously though - I still enjoyed the challenge and thought it was epic. If you're going to hit me hard, you might as well go all out. Nothing in this game is held back. Also, the expanded job system allowed you to try out so many different things.
I tried for the longest time to play Final Fantasy III on an emulator but for some bizarre reason, I couldn't save, not even on save states. When I have the time, I definitely want to go back to that, try a different ROM or something, and experience the original. But I played enough of the original to know how hard it is. I died right away when I ventured outside the first town.
The DS remake mostly retains the difficulty of the original, which I admired, unlike the watered down PSP Anniversary Editions of Final Fantasy and Final Fantasy II.
Graphics:
The original Famicom game definitely has a lot more going on than the first two Final Fantasy games. Battles are still 90% black space but the rest of the game is 8-bit Heaven.Â
The DS remake is AMAZING. I would argue that Final Fantasy III DS is really the first great Final Fantasy remake. They got a chibi thing going on and it works here. Itâs cute without being obnoxiously cute.
The FMV sequence for the DS is staggeringly beautiful.
I also kind of laugh at this one part where Luneth and Ingus are arguing and itâs the equivalent to a stock photo of two people arguing.
I only wish they added an ending FMV. That would have been the cherry on top for the remake.Â
Story:
Final Fantasy III is kind of like crossing the original Final Fantasy with Final Fantasy II. The story is wider in scope and more epic. The fictional world is much more interesting. The score has a wider repertoire. You fly many different airships. It also begins what I like to call the "Crystal Trilogy." Final Fantasy III, IV and V, as you'll read later, are quite similar in their general plot, which utilizes crystals as important plot devices.
Thereâs more to the story than people give credit for. You venture into the world and run into secondary characters who have their own stories, such as Cid, Desh, Princess Sara (reference to the original Final Fantasy), Prince Allus, Priestess Aria, and even four imposters of the four heroes of light. You save towns with a variety of problems, from a village cursed by a genie to finding a missing precious stone for the dwarves. Then you discover the truth behind the world you live in. . .
The DS version elaborates on the story by giving the four orphans names: Luneth, Arc, Refia, and Ingus. This sharpens the story by connecting more dots. The DS story starts with Luneth and Arc as childhood friends. They later meet Refia, a runaway who was tired of her guardian's blacksmith trade, and Ingus, a knight of Sasune who protects Princess Sara. I was disappointed by one rather misleading thing in the DS remake. The opening FMV sequence seemed to imply that Priestess Aria plays a wider role in the story â she doesnât. That disappointed me.
As Iâve said already, the DS version is a wonderful remake of the original. I very highly recommend it. It enhances everything about the original and more. The remake's heroes hardly get any recognition in other Final Fantasy media and thatâs a shame.
Music:
As Final Fantasy games keep getting bigger, so does the score. Uematsu shone here. He did some unique things for a Japanese composer at the time. An example is the illusion of having chords in the track Crystal Cave.
Final Fantasy IIIâs soundtrack is twice as long as Final Fantasy IIâs. Iâd say that out of the entire Famicom/NES era, this game probably has the best soundtrack. The battle theme has a sexy bass with more drums added to it. Eternal Wind, the world map theme, is definitely the greatest map theme in an RPG. Period. It truly gives the feel of wandering around a fantasy world.
The DS version reinvigorates the entire score. I loved every second of it.
The way Uematsu composed the final of the epilogue is reminiscent of how John Williams does his finales in the credits for Star Wars or Indiana Jones films. In this case, he references the Final Fantasy Main Theme at the end of the credits.
The result is a wholesome feel to the game. Final Fantasy III has a fantastic score that is perfect for closing the 8-bit era of Final Fantasy.
Notable Theme:
I'm split between Eternal Wind and Priestess Aria's Theme. Fortunately, the DS opening cinematic includes both. It has a great orchestrated rendition of the classic themes.
youtube
Verdict: Â Â Â
The hardest out of all the Final Fantasy games (so far). At the same time, thereâs so much to enjoy â but itâs not for everyone. Because of the difficulty, I would save this game for last. Thereâs something about this game that actually gives me a true âfinal fantasyâ feel. The final stretch is so kick-your-nuts-hard that nothing else in the series can compare to it.
If you go for the DS version, however, that can be a tad bit easier. Just a tad. A smidge. Nothing more. Itâs one remake that I highly recommend. They did a good facelift on both the game itself and the story. The DS version was adapted into Android and then ported into Steam, so you can get it there.Â
Direct Sequel?
No.
#final fantasy iii#final fantasy 3#final fantasy#black mage#red mage#square enix#nintendo#nintendo ds#video games#rpg#fantasy#magic#onvideogames
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MY REALLY OLD ART A LONG ASS POST
So this first piece I found in a folder on my computer called âOld art organize laterâ within a folder called â REALLY OLD ARTâ I drew this in 2006 and the jpeg was titled:
ïżœïżœMy most awesome dragon evurâ
Also noted was my attempt at signing my name in Japanesef saldkfjsdlf because i was 11 and anime was THEE coolest thing to me.
Okay the rest is going under a read more because this is gonna be LONG
here are some gems from 2007
yes this is a kk slider gijinka faksdjfalsdjf
next up we have my attempt to make super paper mario characters into handsome anime men
it was a this point i was a young baby on deviant art longing to do âdigitalâ art because thats what all the really cool artists did, i didnt have a tablet and the photoshop-esque thing i had was a pirated copy of JASC Paintshop 7 (or maybe it was 8), so what did I make with newly unlocked DIGITAL ART POWERS??
and this charming thing which was my intepretation of what the The Thing Behind the Wall in Johnny the Homicidal Maniac looked like:
but these were only the beginning of my long and arduous journey as an artist, 2009 came and I entered highschool 13 years old and with nothing but the power of deviant art and being an outcast with 2 friends on my side so here are some of my favorites from that era of Noo art:
^^^ this is in fact EXACTLY what i looked like at 13
its kind of funny bc looking back you can absolutely tell id been drawing dragons/wolves since i was like able to hold a pencil but didnt start drawing humanoid characters until i was 12 afjlakfjs
ANYWAYS CARRYING ON BC THERES PLENTY MORE!! For example my Invader Zim/Naruto OCs
yes one of those aliens was kisame
every day knowing that I get to claim ownership over this is truly exhilarating the girl with the pigtails was my OC that was definitely not just me. Her name was Delainbow, she was Sasukeâs daughter and she is truly the epitome of everything that was good about my childhood
WHAT A LEGEND
this is genuinely what I wanted to be when i was 13 god I love it
oh fuck i missed this one from 2008
god GOd i love these all so much I WAS SO FREE I JUST DREW WHATEVER AND DIDNT CARE
ok just gonna put a few more without comment but these are all 2009 again
Moving on to 2010-2012 era art
shout out to teenage me for still being not the worst at drawing animals
the freaking EDGE
so there was some point here where i started trying to stop drawing âanimeâ bc i was tired of ppl making fun of me so I figured if I didnt draw anime ppl would take me more seriously when in reality those ppl just sucked and so did my highschool art teacher
like... YUCK???? what the fuck was i was I even accomplishing here aksdjfaskjfkasldjf
my wolves still were still way cooler then the rest of my art lol
alright carrying onto late highschool early college, its summer of 2012 im on tumblr, im a homestuck, and ive gotten a laptop and tablet as a gift for getting into art school (yeah I drew like aformentioned above and still got into art school) sadly i dont have any scans of the stuff i drew for that portfolio, it was mostly still lifes i drew like a boot and a skull haha
okay so here are the gems i made upon finally getting a computer of my own, photoshop and bamboo wacom tablet,
here she is my first attempt to paint in photoshop....s fjaskdjfaskljfklasd
the rest of these are all from like my first fall/winter semester of college when i actually started getting a real art education and not just shitty no budget rural hometown highschool art class
So that picture of zachary which is honestly NOT thaaaaaat bad was one of the first things I ever posted to break 500 notes, i think a fewwww of my homestuck drawings had come close after like months of being on the site but like that zachary was one of the first times id genuinely been a little succesful with sharing my art online and im still very grateful to everyone who liked and reblogged it ^u^
After that well, i do have a lot more bad art but its not quite as funny as my pre-college stuff from that point on you mostly just see me struggling to improve anatomy and struggling to get through school (which ultimately took me 8 years to get through bc art school is terrible on your mental health and i had to do the last 4 years as a half time student)
but thats kind of a sad note to end on so heres just a few more gems i think you all should see if youâve taken the time to read this haha
Thank you if you took the time to scroll through all of this i hope you had a laugh and that if youâre ever feeling down about your art to remember that we all start at the bottom and you can only go up from there no matter how long it takes you! Donât give up and honestly just draw your truth <3
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things ive already established r on this post
besties this got so fucking long but heres a giant ramble about cherri
okay so. there are huge differences betwn cherri as a hyperviolent drac hunter and cherri as a friend of the four and cherri as the girls mentor. with the first one he was 17 and desperate to distance himself from his upbringing so he went all in on Being A Killjoy. he was always one of the first ppl to rush into a fight and he fought hard. he blew up his fuckin hand with that attitude. and all the while he was just racking up more unaddressed trauma and eventually he ran away from that, too. giving himself radiation poisoning was more appealing than facing his problems.
so as a teenager/young adult hes kind of constantly in a panicked state. hes scared the people from his past are going to find him and drag him back with them. so he lashes out and he runs away over and over again.
i said in another post that he has some past life shit goin on which usually would give him a connection to the witch that manifests early in life, but with all the stuff hes gone through he has been Preoccupied. he can become oblivious to almost anything that doesnt apply to whatever hes focused on. not in a hyperfocus way its likeeeeee. when u live on survival mode during prolonged periods of stress. hes immune to magic bullshit bc hes too tired and scared.
anyways around his mid-20s he finally has a little more stability (as much as the average person living in the zones can have, that is) and he finally notices that Weird Stuff happens around him. basically: out of my list of Powers People Connected To The Witch Have he has the prophetic dreams/enhanced intuition as well as a form of sensing ghosts where he can see auras and kind of like, echoes of past events in ppls lives. that look like auras. itz complicated and not of utmost importance so im leaving it at that.
anyways thats what makes him start writing poetry. just 4 funsies he'll describe his weird experiences and embellish them to make em pretty. just as a casual hobby n all that.
he would forget fun ghoul in between the times they ran into each other but its pretty easy to be reminded of who fun ghoul is. the most insane 10 year old cherri has ever met. cherri isnt a brother figure to ghoul. hes just. his friend that happens to be more than twice his age. its whatever lmao
to cherri, ghoul is kinda like a stray animal he keeps seeing. which is hilarious. ghoul actually goes and finds him to introduce him to jet when they start running together, and cherri meets party and kobra (spark and birdie at the time) when he drives the four of them to a party. because he has a truck hell yeah. so now instead of one stray animal he has, like, a feral cat colony that he drives around occasionally. i have no real-life human relationship equivalent to them because irl if some guy that is not related to any of you and isnt even a childhood or family friend and theyre hanging out with you? they are usually not a safe person lmao. but this is my fantasy land and im too stubborn to change anyones birth years even though ghoul being born in 2004 makes everything really hard to make not creepy.
so yeah hes a casual somewhat friend of the fab four. hed probably get more and more concerned as they got famous. the beginnings of any sort of protective feelings, awww :) that sets him up for becoming the girls mentor.
OH FUCK. THE GIRL..... i think if i was in my late 20s and i heard that the gang of 13-17 year olds had adopted a 5 year old kid i would go bananas. what the fuck. it is a LONG while before cherri meets her. but he has the strongest affection for ghoul (if you could even call it that) and ghoul absolutely adores the girl and swings her around under her arms like a cat to show her off to cherri and its very endearing and the girl is sweet and funny so its easy to be around her. and (unfortunately) she is somewhat used to interacting with weird easily agitated people so she kinda gives him space. cherri isnt quite the uncle figure the fandom usually makes him (i luv uncle cherri sm but he simply cannot exist in the universe ive created, f), but hes a little similar.
and then the four had to go and pretend to die. lol.
when the girl was kidnapped, fucking everyone who knew her was ready to storm the city then and there. like regardless of how little you knew her, if you had ever met her you would fucking die for her. she is pure childish charisma and shes precious. i love the girl. so cherris immediately on board with whatever plan the four make to get her back. ive already talked abt how it fucked up the girl tho; there was no way to tell her that the four werent actually dead, she sees the building collapse and she shuts down. and cherri has to fight against his instinct to leave the radio station and never come back when he sees an eight year old girl sitting dissociated on the couch. that fucks everyone up.
i just realized i havent talked about literally anyone else at the radio station. i think cherri started lingering around the station bc it was safe and sheltered while also not being a popular spot. there are less kids there (people pass through but its not a hangout spot). he was kind of just hanging around to get away from the heat and noise and dr d took notice. because that man can see ur soul and no one knows if thats literal or not. so theyd chat a few times a day and show pony was the one 2 get him out of his shell a little and also was the first one he mentioned his poetry hobby to. im making this all up right now as im writing bc i dont know anything about LITERALLY any of the ppl associated w the radio like im not even going 2 try with chimp n newsie i do not have the willpower to tackle all that. justttt. cherri pony n D become bros and live 2gether there.
back 2 the regular timeline. the rescue mission happens in 2019. the girl lives at the station until 2023. during that time she is very much depressed and withdrawn and is only happy when the four come to visit. none of the Adults know how to help her so they just keep her safe and cared for and hope she'll open up to them.
she does not. she takes the weird cat thats been hanging around and she runs away.
cherri does not see her for three years. shes still worse for wear in the mental health department and he can see all kinds of visions of what shes been through since the last time he saw her and he fucking hates the ultra vs bc they remind him of his past. he does not want her going down that path but its obvious that she isnt crazy abt the ultraviolence thing either so thats a relief.
they have a kind of tense relationship throughout the comics. he feels like he failed her and that spirals into feeling like he failed the four for not being a good adult to them and fun ghoul for not helping enough when his commune was bombed and all kinds of shit and that irrational thinking mixed with plain old, yknow, caring about the girl, is what makes him take a bullet (laser. whatever) for her.
i was trying to figure out the timing of each of their ghost experiences, but i want both of them to talk to the witch and im just gonna make it like dreams where a whole buncha stuff happens but irl its been like seconds. so its like barely a second while the girl has her Witch Convo and cherri FINALLY gets a straight answer, yes there is weird shit going on with him having powers. he doesnt have any story-significant past lives because im lazy, hes just an old soul. like really fuckin old. the amount of latent life experience and stuff his soul/energy/whatever has picked up along the way makes him VERY noticeable to gods n stuff. he fuckin lights up all the alarms like what the FUCK is that over there. she wasnt rly able to get to him or even properly notice him while he was a kid and a young adult so shes happy to finally see him again. he has a STRONG sense of familiarity with her. they know each other on a wild ass level that he cant really comprehend.
welp thats some more lore I'll have 2 think abt. anywayz
post canon is when he and val get to have the most awkward spiderman meme moment of realizing that they have the same trauma SOOOOO thatz fun lol /s sorry kings i thought it would be fun to give u something fucked up to bond over <3
not much changes in his personality. he has a better understanding of Weird Magic and delights in freaking out the ultra vs but for the most part he returns to his life at the radio station. i love him
THIS GOT SO CRAZY LONG I DID NOT MEAN 2 GO THROUGH EVERY PART OF HIS LIFE LIKE SOME WEIRD CHARACTER STUDY but here we are. this is basically a first draft like almost all of this is subject to change but u gotta start somewhere. so heres my start i love this guy. its probably obvious but i have not read ANY twitterverse killjoys stuff </3 maybe i will someday idk
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OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 19
IN THIS EPISODE OF MURPHY IS SCREAMING, CONSTANTLY, TRAPPED IN THEIR PERFECT NIGHTMARE:
Glynda was saying: âI know we arenât friends. I know we arenât partners. I know youâre a criminal. ButâI think I can trust you. I think I have to trust you, even if youâve done awful things before.â
EVERYTHING GOES WRONG BUT LIKE SOMEHOW WORSE THAN EVER? LIKE A WHOLE NEW BRAND OF LOW. LIKE CINDERâS GOT A PICKAXE AND THE CENTRE OF THE PLANET CALLS FOR AID.
ITâS BEEN A WHILE HUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but dw offal hunt, like the rising of the sun, the arrival of winter, and the eventual downfall of capitalism, always returns. so lets go.
(i just quickly reread chapter 18 liveblog to remember what happened and Ah Yes I Remember Now. The Suppressed Memories)
The place was emptier without Glynda. Quieter.
/gunshot oh weâre in danger right out of the gate huh? we got some yearning right out here? right now? how quickly the turn do tables.
Cinder appraised her work, holding the beige coat up to the light and squinting.
man i forgot. i FORGET. how much i just love cinder in this fic. sometimes she kinda zones to the back of my mind where she sits waiting for me to start thinking about her again, but now i remember that this cinder is Peaque. look at her GO, minding her own BUSINESS. im proud of her. does she know i love her.
It didnât take long to don her new, fire-proofed clothes.
in another world, in a more comical plot, she used asbestos. it didnt go well.
The subtle warmth of the Dust teased tension from Cinderâs stiff muscles, even as she marvelled at the strangeness of her own bedroomâs space. It seemed bigger now than it had the last two nights.
h
She chose not to dwell on it.
h
i choose to dwell on it! ME!!!! I CHOOSE TO DWELL ON IT. HEY CINDER WHAT THIS GAY SHIT. hello. maâam. can we look deeper into this. i, for one, would like to, and i, for one, think its of value to think abt this. that said, small segue
Quietly, Cinder murmured, âI didnât freak out.â
THE FACT SHE SAYS IT ALOUD LIKE EM AND MERC CAN HEEEEEEAR HEEEEEEEER i am. INFATUATED with this family. cant wait for the 100k spinoff thats basically an elongated beach episode where they go to like. alton towers. or butlins. six flags??? thats a thing in america right??? anyway. beach episode. call me. (wink wink nudge nudge push push shove shove)
 We had to stop back in because Merc left his favorite binder, and it was 2 in the morning, so it was easier to crash here for the night than mess with the shipâs autopilot.
them,,, THEM!!!! mercury is just a son and childe. thast it. he canot change this. i love these kids so much i am SHAKING THE MONITOR RN!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAA
Stuck here in one of the homes theyâd shared, Cinder missed them terribly. Missed the sound of their voices and the easy comfort of their presence. Finding the time to contact them had been difficult, between managing Glynda and Hati both, but Glynda was gone, and sheâd sent Hati onwards to Atlas. She remembered her call with Emerald, before arriving in Umbraroot; she knew it had not soothed her or her fears.
im sorry was this chapter targeted at me, specifically, as a human being on planet earth? GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THIS FAMILY!!!!!!!!! THIS WONKY OLD BANDAGED UP FAMILY UNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! i thrive every time they are mentioned on the page. it is a blessing. my succulents grow stronger each time they show up.
âNo,â Cinder argued softly, âI had to. Mercury, you deserve to hear it from me as well. I am sorry. And I am promising you: Iâll come back.â
For a long, heart-wrenching moment, he was completely quiet. It was good that Cinder was alone in the apartment; laying herself bare like this would be unbearable with an audience.
GODDDDDDDDDDD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
i am OBSESSED WITH THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM GOING TO BE THINKING ABOUT THIS UNTIL I D I E. of all thing the remaster does better than og, this is just. SPEEDING AHEAD. this whole CONFLICT this whole MESS just makes everything so much RICHER its like when u splash some wine in yr fancy food or stick some cinnamon on yr favourite desserts u dont NEED TO but it adds that lil SOMETHING,,, that little KICK that just ties the flavour profile together and in this case ofgughugguhu it just GIVES SO MUCH. im making SNOW ANGELS in the WORDS on the PAGE.
âMercury. If I could prove it to you, I would. But you have toâtrust me. For just a while longer.â
âItâs getting harder,â he said. He didnât sound like he was lying just to hurt her. That wasnât spite. That was honest anger. And it made her feel like dirt.
im less picking these for specific instances of like, things i want to say, but more just because bits of this r rly just so /chef kiss. cinder has these.... endearingly (take that whichever way u like) human qualities in OG to rly make u realise she had ties to add to her #Doubt but the remaster is just AMPING it up and u FEEL IT and ive never been more SYMPATHETIC to a round-faced sinnamon bun of assholery and fire id DIE for cinder fall and this is a fact PUT IT ON MY GRAVESTONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
âIs there anything you need?â What was this? Cinder could barely focus on her words. It felt like... âAnything? At all?â
âWeâre fine.â
âMercury, wait pleaseââ She was losing him. âI thinkââ
âJust hurry up.â
The line went dead.
this place is not a place of honor.................. no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here........................ nothing valued is here................ IM DYING
Cinder began to type out her response, and that was when the nausea really kicked in.Â
[...]Â
She recognized this now.
Glynda.
stress stress stress stress STRESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
There shouldnât be anybody. Cinder had done everything in her power to cut Glynda from people who would interfere. To isolate her. Make it easier to bring her to Atlas, to the frozen north, to her mother and the machineâŠ
Cinderâs esophagus quivered; furiously, she shut her eyes and thought of nothing.
god cinder donât remind me that youâre an asshole and dipshit and also a moron im trying to be NICE and CARE ABT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP REMINDING ME YOUâRE A PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Â
FOR FIVE MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The front door clicked open.
Cinder couldnât have said how much time had passed, only that it had passed slowly. What she did know was that it was Glynda returning, the sensation of boils bursting wafting off her soul. It crawled over Cinderâs flesh. She curled in on herself.
There were mites under every nailbed. Salt in her weeping mouth.
offal huntâs brilliant use of this horror aspect is something i have tried previously to emulate and hereâs a fact, take it from me: that shit is HARD. offal hunt consistently able to whack those real nasty, really Disgusting vibes on the head EVERY TIME is a work of art. i mean, kc and diesel do not fuck around, and therefore i am NOT surprised, but itâs only when u try this shit yourself that you realise: this is hard! this is difficult! itâs a huge testament to how GOOD this fic is in every way. also this whole fucking body horror aspect is something i didnt know this fic needed, but it did, and here we are.Â
Thickly: âThings were going okay. If you hadnât gotten nasty, I might have smoothed things over. I could have fixed things with my son.â
with my son
with my son
with my son
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I CANT TAKE IT EVERY TIME ITS TOO MUCH FOR TO BEAR I CANNOT HANDLE IT I CANNOT STAND IT ITS LIKE BEING SHOT JUST DIRECTLY IN MY DICK
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
im like sweating rn
Glynda said, âIâm scared.â
âWhy?â
âI donât want to tell you.â
I SAID IM SWEATING
Glynda asked, âAre you lying to me?â
And Cinder said, âWhat?â
âAbout me. About Witches. About Ozpinââ Cinderâs guts went sour. ââAbout anything. I need to know if I can trust you.â
I SAID I! AM! S W E A T I N G
âI know youâve lied to people. Hurt people.â
Adrenaline and the image of her kidsâ faces behind her eyes made a potent, sick cocktail. ââNot. Now.â
so lets like double back to when i said hey was this chapter written to target me specifically and as it turns out, yes. yes it was. yes it was and as MUCH AS I AM LIVING FOR THIS MOMENT THIS SWEET BUILDUP THE EXPLOSION AND THE CRATER IT ALL LEAVES BEHIND
I
AM
so this next bit is like. i cant really quote one section but as i was saying in Vague DMs, this whole bit feels like wading through mud. usually if you say something consumes energy to Read itâs in a Bad Way when yr bored but this is more like. you Feel cinder all over everything feels so sluggish and itâs like dragging your own corpse around as you try and leave and youâre TIRED and your LEGS HURT and youâre kinda thinking god what if i just fell face down for just a moment of my LIFE.
The putrid weight of Glyndaâs soul filled the room until there was no space left for her.
itâs like being trapped in a sauna, like getting stuck in a humid waiting room. where do you GO. what do you DO. god this whole section is fantastic and offal hunt NEVER fails to fucking nail the Vibes but reading it is HARD. i literally keep having to stop and breathe like ive been holding my breath. jesus h christ.
a small intermission for a mood:
âGet fucked.â
back to regularly scheduled hell
Out of the bedroom. Down the hall. The walls were sweating with heat. She tasted smoke.Â
i love that i just said how i feel like im trapped in a sauna and it turns out: thats because me and cinder both, baybee!!!! hahahaha help
Glyndaâs soul chewed her to the marrow. âMove, Glynda.âÂ
cinder being hunted at the start of this fic: teehee! im running away! now im gonna getcha! heehee! arent i clever :) cinder being hunted now: this uh. this blows, actually,
Cinderâs pulse roared in her ears. Her hands twitched. She smelled Ochre Brownâs round face melting off. His wide smile shattered with each of his teeth, going black and popping like corn.
this chapter is probably my favourite so far for this blending of so many elements. i cant even begin to like. THINK STRAIGHT about how all of this is tying together. the lore. the THEMATICS. like i said this character rly is just Rich with what og lacked and oh is it RICH. im gonna read this chapter in future and see so much that i know ive already missed. holy shit.
âMs. Fall,â she said. âThe White Fang requires your presence immediately.â
NOT NOW
Cinder stood there looking at it for a moment. Her thoughts were slow. Copper-tinged. Something small and indulgent whispered to her through the blood-fog.
It was obvious enough what would happen if she got into this car. The driver would take her to a secluded place, where she would be ambushed by a squadron of battle-hungry White Fang grunts.
Theyâd try to take her down. And she was a killer, wasnât she? Ochre Brown wailed in her ears with every thump of her runaway heart. Her hands itched for action; her teeth, for blood.
Sheâd burn them black.
never mind! you are already dead,
She thought about Glynda. About her saying that if there was trouble with the Fang, she wanted to come. That she would fight for Cinder.
She thought of Glyndaâs question: What arenât you telling me about Ochre Brown?
Yeah, fuck that.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A CLIFFHANGER!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!! MORE MOMENTOUSLY: WHAT A CHAPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is EASILY my favourite chapter so far. EASILY. everything about this was peak offal. the relationships. the dynamics. the dialogue. the vibes. the Grossness. the fighting. the EVERYTHING. this is some other level and its BITCHIN. PEAK. that said im now very tired. im going to have a cup of tea and Consider Things for a few hours. brb.
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At what exact moment do you think malec fall in love?that moment in 1Ă06 when Magnus uses Alec's strength and then falls down exhausted? It's such an underrated moment but one can write a whole essay on it
as a matter of fact, yes, i do believe it was the moment in 1.06 (there is a reason it is my header, after all) and im really glad u asked because its one of my favorite moments and Ive been thinking of making a post about it in forever but never got to it so [cracks knuckles]
well, actually, i think 1.06 was the moment magnus fell in love. i dont know when alec fell in love, to be honest - i think with him, it was just something that kind of settled and clicked into place, you know? there was that attraction and there was the fact that magnus was an amazing person who had amazing chemistry with alec and who fought for him and extended his hand and tried to comfort him without judgement when no one would really allow him to be himself - and who gave him a space to be more of him than any other. but i dont think there was a precise moment when it hit Alec, and suddenly he had fallen; i think he realised he loved magnus when he said he loved him, but at that point it was already cemented. alec is a steady, careful guy; when he falls, he falls hard and becomes an absolute imbecile but until then it kind of settles in slowly, lodges itself inside of him until its carefully in place, and he doesnt really know when it happened. honestly, i relate to that because that's how it works for me, too.
but with Magnus, it was a little different - he had closed himself off from love for centuries, and while obviously he only fell in love with alec because he was already on the pathway to recover and had been for a while now, sure and steady (alec is definitely the right person for him, but he also came at the right time, cuz if he hadnt Magnus wouldnt really be able to allow himself to give in to the obvious pull they had), breaking that kind of wall is hard and is, for many people, something that happens suddenly, all at once, like the crash of a tsunami wave; it kind of isnt there until it suddenly is, flooding out and filling you. and with magnus that's definitely what happened; he had a click moment, when suddenly his walls were down and he found himself feeling, despite himself
you can see a clear difference in how magnus treats alec in 1.04-05 and how he does in 1.06. in 1.04-05 hes flirty, yes, obviously interested, but hes doing it teasingly, playfully, confident in a way that is only possible when theres not much on the line. don't get me wrong, i dont think he was using alec or lying to him - that's not the kind of person Magnus is at all - i just think that it was harmless flirting and interest with not much at stake. he was keeping his kind of playboy, devil-may-care persona (with the exception of the moment when he told alec there was nothing to be ashamed of, because of course magnus "compulsive emotional support" bane would immediately drop the act when he sees someone struggle. ugh. and alec notices this, too, all right, he can see right through to the person magnus really is in that moment, even if he closes himself off). and that wasnt even just in front of Alec; the whole "playing hard to get, i love a challenge" thing was after alec had hung up, there was no one there, he was just talking to himself the dumb dork and it is clear there is not much at stake for him here; he isnt in love, so theres no chance of heartbreak
compare that to the way he acted during drinks with Alec in 1.06. its a completely different person. even in his posture, the way he looks at Alec and moves around him, his facial expressions, theres a softness and vulnerability that just wasnt there at any point before (did yall thank Harry Shum Jr for ur rights today? seriously the man is such a great actor his talent is unbelievable). and for magnus to allow himself to be vulnerable- well, that's big. that's what he was scared of, after all. that's what has brought him hurt and made him swear off romantic relationships for so long
and he says this; he opens up to alec, a person he barely knows, tells him a little about his past, tells Alec hes unlocked something in him. it's not harmless flirting anymore, its not just a mere pursuit of someone hes casually interested in; theres something way, way deeper going on, and this is abundantly clear throughout the whole scene and every single one of magnus' actions. magnus has fallen. this is serious now; hes feeling things he didnt even remember how to, and his entire demeanor changes.
and look, that's really important to me, okay, because i hate the whole love at first sight thing. so when i started watching sh, i was kind of turned off from malec because i was like "oh theyre gonna suddenly fall in love for no reason" but no. that's not what happened. they had attraction, and chemistry, yes, for sure, definitely, but the feelings that sparked inside of them were very much real and solid and built organically, even if quickly. malec is so powerful because their attraction and devotion to each other makes sense, and because their relationship is so trusting, happy, fun, and healthy.
so lets go to 1.06 - the defining moment, the big game changer for the both of them. i know the exact milisecond magnus falls in love - its this one
(gif isnt mine, i had it saved on my phone and dont remember who made it; if you do, please let me know so i can credit them)
bitch, you are seeing it happen!!! you're watching it, right now!! the way he looks up and his whole face changes; he goes from heavy breaths to these little puffs of air, looks up at alec in awe, and it's all over his face, the softness in his features, the open vulnerability hes showing for the very first time in the entire show - even when he was almost running out of magic, he still looked way more put together than he does in this moment; in here he is open, he has no masks, and hes absolutely soft and open and vulnerable. and you can see it dawn on him too, the realisation that he let alec in, just late enough for it to be too late. it's done. god, i cant fucking believe harry shum jr invented acting. like holy shit, dude
and alec sees it too; in this moment he looks down and he sees the vulnerability in magnus' face and he knows this is the real magnus; that's what he looks like without all the walls and masks, and it's just- beautiful. incredible. you can see the love and the softness inside of him and it's just so easy to find a home in those eyes of his, and ugh, i might be changing my mind, this was the moment alec fell in love too
but anygays, why now, right? what was the big gamechanger in this scene?
well, first of all, id like to stress again, just for good measure, that magnus was already well on his path to recovery from abuse and beginning to open up again; his journey through finding self love and strength to stand on his own feet and be able to open himself for others is his and his alone. alec could be his perfect match (and he is) (fuck it i dont care they are perfect for each other, i never really thought there was such a thing even in fictional couples but shit dude they really are as perfect as it gets, malec truly invented love its unbelievable) and it still wouldnt matter if magnus wasnt ready not only to open up, but to get in a relationship as his own person, and not putting himself down like with camille. of course, he still has a long way to go, and recovery is not a straight line, so he still does things like not tell him when hes hurt and downplay his own pain so as not to "annoy" him or whatever, but he is on equal ground. the very first thing that happens when they finally get together (after the whole wedding ordeal) is, they fight. because alec was being an asshole and treated magnus badly and was really rude and magnus was hurt and he was tired of always being the one to chase after Alec, and he told him that. that's extremely important, because it establishes that Magnus isnt just running after Alec or doing anything for him - he wants a mutually fulfilling relationship and hes willing to fight for it, demand it, not accept less than it. and that's fucking recovery right here, folks. it's so hard for previously abused people to do that. so hard. it still is hard for him, but hes doing it. so, again: Magnus' journey to opening up and finding space for a healthy relationship in his life is his and his alone. and they were lucky as shit to have met when they did.
so, with that being said: 1.06 (god, this answer is such a mess, im ndjdjdidicn). you can see magnus fall in love, right then and there. the moment it happens: when he falls, and realises Alec is still holding him, making sure hes steady. not just that, but holding his hand (despite that being totally unnecessary now), and asking him if he's okay.
it's really unsubtle symbolism (and i mean that in the best possible way): Alec holding him when he fell symbolizes support; holding his hand symbolizes caring, because he could just hold him as to not let him fall, but the fact that hes holding his hand shows that hes trying to support him not just physically, but emotionally; and asking if hes okay shows genuine worry and desire to listen to his needs. again, really unsubtle; but fuck it, that's also part of what makes it powerful, because when was the last time magnus had that, that open caring and supporting and reaching out for him? i mean, obviously Magnus has his friends who are amazing and great to him, but this feeling, of being cared for, so easily, so openly, so obviously, from someone who barely knows him, hell, from a shadowhunter - this is new. both because he hasnt really allowed it - after all, you need to fall for someone to catch you - and because he just. hasnt had that. every time before, when he showed vulnerability, he had his wounds open wide and used against him - with asmodeus after his mom, with Camille after whatever happened that made him consider suicide. and then suddenly this guy shows up, and Magnus didnt even mean to be vulnerable in front of him, not really, he was supposed to hold it, but he does and what he finds is just- caring. worrying. sweetness. a grounding presence and touch. alec is completely focused on him, and isnt rushing him to get back on his feet or anything - hes just holding him and being there for him. he wasnt even looking for it, and suddenly there it is - that trust and reciprocity hed been craving for so long.
and yeah, its unsubtle, but that's also there in more subtle ways; magnus asks for his help, and alec comes without questioning, even if he's mad with pretty much everyone involved. he asks Alec to give him his strength, and he does, openly, without walls - dude, that is so intimate, and you can see how easily the magic flows between them; that's something that can only happen so smoothly if the required trust is given without a second thought. alec is giving his life force to this guy, whom he barely knows, and he doesnt hold back at all - Magnus needs it, he gives it. easy, simple. trusting. an open, clear connection. hes worried about Magnus from the start; he gets in and his first reaction is yelling for magnus and kneeling beside him to make sure hes okay. hes already kind of holding magnus even before magnus falls; he puts himself in a position where hes kind of supporting magnus' weight, and just focuses on giving magnus what he needs. up to this point no one even bothered to ask magnus what he needs. and look, Alec isnt perfect, and he definitely still has his prejudices and ignorance at this point, but this is something special. having someone just give it their all to make sure ur okay, from the get-go, trusting you like that- that's not everyday. specially not for magnus. I think maybe Magnus wouldnt even have lowered his guard enough to have that stumble if Alec hadnt been so easily showing him hes in there together with him, as equals, without so much as a second thought- magnus' persona is polished. hes been through worse without stumbling both before and after. his guard was already down, because Alec had been showing himself to be trustworthy from the start.
and after that, it just keeps going. alec helps him clean up his apartment, without being asked, long after everyone else has already gone - he listens to Magnus talk about his past, attentively, without judgement. he even shows some vulnerability of his own - that fucked-stupid smile when magnus raised his hand to his lips, the glances he throws magnus' way, the way he even manages to talk a bit about his insecurities and confusion; hes opening himself up to Magnus, too. hes smitten. hes interested. the connection is established. he stays the night, and they end up talking all night long, despite the fact that Alec was called to work, and we dont even know about what. we know they are similarly competitive and have a good chemistry, so clearly this was a good, fun talk; but theres something running way deeper in there, too. magnus is showing alec a lot of himself, and alec is not only welcoming it, but reciprocating it as best as he can. that moment of spark isnt gone; it keeps growing, the bond that was formed gets stronger. at this point, Magnus has fallen (i firmly believe that he fell in that exact moment he looked up at Alec) but it gains shape and strength during that night and talk; its a little frustrating because Alec cant face what he wants, but the pull is real and strong enough for it to get stronger, the shapes clearer.
so- yeah. Magnus fell for Alec in 1.06, the moment he realised that he was willing to have his back, to see him as he was and welcome it and treat it with care; and to give him back in return. Magnus fell for Alec when he realised that, somehow, he had already formed the beginnings of a bond with him - the kind that's solid, that means trust and care and effort while also being easy, fun, nice. alec fell for magnus when he looked at him and saw someone that was also struggling with showing who he was, but who wasnt scared; someone who was kind, and good, and willing to listen to him and try to help him and who valued him. and that is so. fucking. important.
#ask#pastaownsmylife#sorry i got a little carried away but lets be real we all knew it would happen#im emo im dying squirtle#sh#shadowhunters#malec#magnus bane#alec lightwood#meta#malec meta#magnus bane meta#sh meta#overflowing trashcan
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i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.
i need someone to hear what i feel
or at least, a free space to say what i feelÂ
im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.
last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldnât be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a womanâs validation is fueled by menâs desire - but hey, donât you feel flattered when someone thinks youâre attractive? desire and lust arenât everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you.Â
 and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new âskinnyâ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself.Â
i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.
4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.
i actively avoided scales, i didnât like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didnât need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.
i cried.
i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time.Â
a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a âthingâ but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didnât have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me âim outside, lets go outâ. we hung out as friends at first, we would have âstudy datesâ, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive.Â
but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasnât settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was âits fine, it will get betterâ.Â
a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once!Â
after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.
and it wasnât. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldnât cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behavioursâ were so difficult and i couldnât handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately.Â
with that being said, i gained the weight back.
not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.
cue covid.
i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class.Â
but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts wonât close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.
im trying to tell myself, âyouâre in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourselfâ... but do you know what itâs like to finally get what youâre chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and itâs gone. itâs my fault and i accept that, so please donât tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it âi will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic againâ... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didnât see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.
i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those âlove yourself and all your flawsâ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another âyou have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!â
because if youâre me, you know you cant kid yourself. if youâre me you canât âlove every flawâ. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.
i hate myself for getting back to this point.Â
i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.
today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said âi donât want to be with someone thatâs not healthy. i have standards tooâ and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore.Â
im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because heâs so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my âprimeâ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just canât because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.
but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and heâs going to feel like heâs stuck with me because heâs moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us.Â
someone please help me.Â
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đ + lio fotia !!
THANK U IVE BEEN IN LIO MODE ALL WEEK YES I LOVE HE
A lot of this relationship boils down to "I'm always with you" in any sense. Lio gets to witness some extremely intense sorrow from me (not like when he goes 110% but also highly flammable) but he's not scared. He's not put off, he gets it. And that's....really scary for me cause it's scary to be vulnerable, especially in front of someone you love. He probably sees that often at first, and that can understandably be frustrating, but hes patient and he says with me. Hes always there to hold my hand.
No idea where any of this works in canon either, but I've probably seen him lose his temper before, either in anger or grief. And I mean....I get it. Poor lio has so much on his shoulders, he cares so much but sometimes feels like he can do so little. Maybe its daunting to approach him like that but...I dont know, I trust him. I want to be there for him too. I'm not afraid of him, I love him, I want to take care of him....
Honestly so much of this is based on being vulnerable, that it's okay to be emotional and knowing that your partner has your back. They wont run away or scorn you for feeling so intensely. Maybe theyll be scared or worried, but they'll try their best to be there and help you through it as much as they can. I think it works cause we weather the same storm in a sense so we understand each other a little better. That sometimes it's okay to fall back on someone, it's okay to feel like this or feel this much, and we'll still have each other at the end of the day.
And I think that's something...he really needs as much as I do, cause lio has so much expected of him. He IS mad burnish. He has to be the pillar to unite everyone, to rescue and protect everyone. Thankfully he has meis and gueira to help him but it's still a lot to carry on his own, and he gets tired. He gives so much, and he wins a lot, but theres a lot of loss too. And when the day is over and he just gets to be lio again, I want to be there for him... I want to take care of him like he takes care of everyone else. I want him to be safe and know that it's okay.... even the most powerful kings have to take off the crown sometimes
A lot of this is also based around how I was actually feeling around the time I was first introduced to him, I'm sure some of you know I had a real rough bout last year and I'm still kinda going through it. And all those feelings and fear of loss still haunt me, and i do get afraid he'll somehow stop loving me, but at the same time....hes been an anchor. I know that my emotions can be volatile, but he knows that and he knows the how it feels. So...at least I take a lot of comfort in that. That lio would at least understand that, he would never judge me for crying or being upset.
Theres not that much to this other than two people who need each other during a storm. And that might not be that interesting, but that's kinda the base of it. I think that...its important for us to have that kind of security and safety, especially when our own emotions threaten us. When the hurricane comes, we'll be there to hold each others hands and never let go.
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last dance (elu ballet au) chapter onze
Lucas is in his final year at the Paris Opera Ballet School and heâll be damned if he lets his former friend-turned-rival Eliott steal the lead role in their production of Swan Lake.
aka- lucas and eliott are rivals who are forced to room together for their final year of ballet school before they try to enter the company. we can all see where this is going. Â
i. ii. iii. iv. v. vi. vii. viii. ix. x. xi.
ao3
**tw: eating disorders**
Dimanche 12:24
It was exam day. Why exam day fell on one of their two days off was beyond Lucas, but it was still exam day. What they all did on exam day every year was book a studio for the entire day and work together so they all passed with flying colors. Maybe it was technically âcheatingâ, but none of them were too worried about their general education requirements other than the bare minimum of passing them.Â
All the students in their final year were sitting in a big circle, and Eliott was right across from him between Sofiane and DaphnĂ©. Lucas was seated with Imane on his right and Arthur on his left. Heâd been surprised when Imane plopped down beside him, but he was grateful she had. They were the best at science out of the group, so they figured out the answers to that exam together while the others worked on different subjects.Â
âLucas, are you serious? The answer to number seventeen is D, not A,â Imane scoffed, looking at his work. Lucas squinted back down at the question, then the answers, realizing she was right.Â
âI canât fucking think straight right now,â he groaned, pressing the heels of his palms to his temples and inadvertently meeting Eliottâs bemused gaze. Can you ever, Lu? His eyes seemed to ask. No, but that was beside the point. His brain power felt like it was running closer to zero than one hundred, which was just great. âSorry,â he added, erasing the answer on his paper and rewriting the correct one.
Her voice was low when she spoke to him again so no one else could hear. âAre you ok Lucas? You donât look great. We break for lunch in about a half hour, but I can make up some excuse if you need food now.â
âNo,â he said hastily. She narrowed her eyes and he cursed himself for responding too quickly. âIâm just tired, didnât sleep well last night. Donât worry about it.â
He could tell she didnât believe him, but he was saved from more questions by Arthur, who tapped his shoulder. When Lucas turned to face him, Arthur was red in the face. âYou, um, you got a text,â Arthur said, nodding to Lucasâ phone, face up on the floor beside them.Â
Lucas wasnât sure why Arthur was acting so weird about it, so he just nodded in acknowledgement and picked up his phone, eyes widening as he saw the notification. Apparently, Eliott had changed his contact name at some point. At least Arthurâs reaction made more sense.
MY BOYFRIEND đâšđđŠđŻđ€Ș: hey, u good?
Glaring at Eliott would have been too obvious, so he closed his phone without responding, rolling his eyes before returning his attention to Arthur.
âUm, thatâs Mika,â Lucas lied, like it should have been obvious.Â
âOh,â Arthur said, then furrowed his eyebrows, âYouâre dating Mika?â
Unfortunately, Arthurâs voice carried. Yann turned to join their conversation, eyes wide. âYouâre dating someone Lulu?â
âMika?â Imane asked incredulously at his side.Â
âWhat about who?â Manon asked from beside DaphnĂ©.Â
âNothing,â Lucas answered at the same time Yann said, âApparently Lucas has a boyfriend.â
âWhat?â Emma and DaphnĂ© gasped at the same time.
Lucas grimaced and risked a peek at Eliott through squinted eyes. Unsurprisingly, Eliott looked like he was holding back a laugh, despite being the reason Lucas was in this situation in the first place. Everyone was looking at him with rapt attention, and he sighed heavily before pulling an explanation out of his ass.Â
âYes, itâs Mika, no, Mika is not my boyfriend. He saved his name on my phone as boyfriend because the last time we went out some creepy guy was hitting on me so he left and called me so the contact would show up on my phone and the guy would leave me alone. I just forgot to change it back, sue me,â Lucas explained, acting like it was the most normal thing in the world. He saw Eliott bite his lip as further restraint to keep from laughing though Lucas remained unamused.Â
âOh,â DaphnĂ© said sadly, âHow amazing would it have been if you had some hot secret boyfriend!â
Manon nudged DaphnĂ© in the side, shaking her head dubiously. DaphnĂ© furrowed her brows, clearly not understanding why Manon had cut her off. âWhat? I love love, I want my friends to find love.â
Arthur laughed and wiggled his eyebrows in Lucasâ direction. âIf Mika gets to be your boyfriend do I get to change my name to âfuture husbandâ?â he asked with a laugh.Â
Lucas couldnât help but crack a smile as well, patting Arthurâs shoulder sympathetically. âIn your dreams Tuturo.â There was only one person in that room Lucas planned on marrying, and it wasnât Arthur, despite drunken promises that had been made. Well, drunken on Arthurâs end, at least.Â
Manon was squinting her eyes at Lucas again, like she was trying to read something on his face so he schooled his features back into neutrality, hoping she wouldnât text Mika to fact check.Â
Eliott, however, was raising his eyebrows at Lucas. He nodded down to his phone, and Lucas sat back from the circle a bit to see what else Eliott had sent.
MY BOYFRIEND đâšđđŠđŻđ€Ș: future husband? do i have to fight arthur?
MY BOYFRIEND đâšđđŠđŻđ€Ș: i donât want to fight him i like him :(
Lucas: Hilarious
Lucas: We made a marriage pact when he was drunk, but donât worry, it only holds up if weâre both single at 30
Lucas: Which I donât plan onÂ
MY BOYFRIEND đâšđđŠđŻđ€Ș: oh, no? got anyone in mind?
Lucas: Thereâs this one guy, but heâs really bad at math, soâŠÂ
MY BOYFRIEND đâšđđŠđŻđ€Ș: fuck i love you Â
âWhat did Mika have to say?â Manon asked, drawing Lucas back into the conversation. He was sure his face was bright red and he didnât know how successful heâd been at maintaining a straight face while he texted Eliott. Probably not too successful, if he had to guess.
âHe wanted me to approve his outfit for a date he has tonight,â Lucas said with an eyeroll.Â
Manon didnât look convinced. âOn a Sunday?â
âI guess,â Lucas said with a shrug, hoping she wouldnât ask for more details. She still looked skeptical, but she let the subject drop as Lucas scooted back into the circle, turning his phone on do not disturb mode just in case.
The rest of the exam day passed without incident, but Lucas saw Eliott watching him nearly the entire time, completely unsubtly. Thankfully, everyone was too focused on passing their exams to notice.Â
Manon pulled Lucas to the side as they finished up, waiting until everyone left. Eliott shot a glance Lucasâ way that Manon missed, furrowing his eyebrows slightly. Lucas shrugged nearly imperceptibly, trying to communicate with his eyes that he would be back to the room later. A small part of his brain told him that if he was gone long enough he could tell Eliott heâd eaten dinner with Manon and he wouldnât question it.Â
Once the room was empty Manon raised one eyebrow, leveling him with a glare. He scrunched his nose and looked around the room for an answer to her unasked questions. âWhat?â he asked defensively.Â
âYou know what,â she said, crossing her arms.Â
âNo, I really donât.â
She sighed deeply, like he was being dumb on purpose. âMika didnât text you.â
âYes, he did,â Lucas argued.Â
âNo, he didnât.â
Lucas narrowed his eyes. âAnd how would you know that, huh? Mika and I have inside jokes that donât involve you.â
âLucas, you can tell me you know.â She had a slightly hurt expression on her voice and Lucas wondered if she really had figured out his relationship with Eliott. It was weird, though, that she hadnât said anything to Eliott about it. They spent all day in rehearsals together, had booked plenty of extra studio time together, there was plenty of opportunity to talk about it.
âTell you what?â he asked hesitantly.Â
âAbout your real boyfriend.â He didnât say anything to that, allowing her to continue before he said anything to confirm or deny her suspicions. âI mean, I get why youâd hide it, itâs just a bit obvious.â
âManonââ he began with a sigh, resigning himself to the fact that she was just always a step ahead, but she cut him off.Â
âIâm happy youâre with him, though. Iâve always thought you two had a lot of chemistry,â she admitted.Â
âReally?â he asked incredulously. As far as he was aware, she had always been pretty accepting of the fact that heâd hated Eliott, especially given everything heâd shared with her about his life over the summer.Â
âYeahâŠâ she said slowly, âI mean, you donât think so?â
âIâm still not confirming or denying anything,â he said with a shrug. He hadnât forgotten that she still hadnât told him about her and DaphnĂ©.Â
She mimicked his shrug, feigning nonchalance. âFine, Iâll just ask Arthur then.â
Now he was even more confused. Did Arthur know too? He supposed it was possible, but he was sure Arthur would have said something to him by now. âWhy would you ask Arthur?â
âBecause heâll tell me if youâre dating or not,â she said simply.Â
âWhy would he know?â Lucas asked.Â
âWhy⊠wouldnât he know?â Manon was looking at Lucas like he had either grown a third head or was talking utter nonsense. âIâm pretty sure Arthur would know that heâs dating you.â
Oh. Oh.Â
Well, this was an interesting turn of events. On the upside, Manon didnât actually know shit, but on the downside, heâd basically admitted he was dating someone, and if it wasnât Arthur she would have to make another guess. He couldnât just go on having her think he was dating Arthur, though. âManon, Iâm not dating Arthur,â he said.Â
âLucas, pleaseââ she began, but he cut her off.
âI swear, Manon, I am not and do not plan on dating Arthur. The whole âfuture husbandâ thing was an inside joke,â he explained.Â
She shook her head in confusion. âWait, then who are you dating?â
âI told you, Mika texted me, his name was saved as that because of an experience we had when we were out together once.â He may as well try to lie about it.Â
âLucas.â
âManon.â
âIâll tell you something in exchange,â she tried, even though he already knew her secret.Â
âBut I have nothing to exchange,â he pointed out, âIâm not dating anyone.â
âLucas.â
He did sort of want to tell her, but he didnât want to hear anything about how heâd hated Eliott for so long. All of that was in the past for him, but he knew it would be hard for Manon to be happy for him when she was the only one who really knew why heâd broken ties with Eliott in the first place. He switched tactics, trying to catch her off guard. âAre you dating someone? A certain mystery someone? Is that why youâre so interested?â
She blinked rapidly, face going red, and even though Lucas already knew that she and DaphnĂ© were together, he couldnât help but grin in surprise at the fact she couldnât conceal her feelings from her face. He laughed in disbelief. âI canât believe it. You so are. Did you take my miraculous advice?â
âMaybe.â She looked down at the floor but Lucas saw a hint of a smile on her face.Â
âAndâŠâ
âAnd?â
He rolled his eyes. âAnd, I was right, wasnât I? You confessed your love and threw yourselves into each otherâs arms?â
âShut up,â she said with a grin, swatting his arm.Â
âIâm serious!â he giggled as he leaned away to avoid another slap. âIs it Charles?â
He didnât know why he asked about Charles, especially when he knew it was definitely not Charles, but everyone deserved to have their coming out moment, if she even wanted to do so, and he didnât want to insinuate anything before she was ready.Â
âNo, itâs not Charles,â she said quietly. He nodded for her to continue. She did, a bit hesitantly, âItâs not a boy.â
Lucas couldnât help the grin that split across his face as he pulled Manon into a hug. She squeezed him back after a moment head resting on his shoulder gently. âWelcome to the club,â he said lightly, pulling back from the hug and checking her face to make sure she wasnât freaking out. He wouldnât have blamed her if she was, heâd almost combusted when he officially came out to Yann.Â
She smiled weakly, taking a breath. âLucas, itâs⊠itâs DaphnĂ©.â
He pretended to be surprised and hoped Manon wouldnât see right through him. âThatâs amazing, Manon, really. Iâm happy for you both.â
âThanks.â Her smile was more genuine now, and she looked a bit more at ease. âGod, Iâve wanted to tell you so bad I could just never find the right timeâŠâ
âHey, no worries. These things take time,â he assured her, voice whispering in the back of his head that he should just say something about Eliott already, especially if sheâd trusted him enough to divulge this secret. Was it a secret? âIs it a secret, though? Should I pretend I donât know?â
She shook her head. âNo, I told Daph Iâd tell you, but we want to keep it pretty low key until Swan Lake is over so no one makes a big fuss about it.â
Sometimes he and Manon thought so much alike it scared him. It also made him feel even more guilty he was lying to her about not being in a relationship. He nodded understandingly, but not too understandingly. âMy lips are sealed.â
âItâs been so hard not saying anything to anyone, you know? Like, I feel like my heart has grown three times the size it used to be but no one else has noticed,â she said emphatically, and Lucas knew exactly what she meant. His heart felt the same way.
âThe only hard thing,â she continued, âIs that we both want to dance for the rest of our lives, weâve always known that.â
âWhy is that the hard part?â he asked.Â
âBecause, what if we end up in different companies? I know it's too early to say so, but I want her by my side forever, and I donât know if Iâll be able to be the dancer I know I am without her with me,â Manon emphasized, voice slightly pained.Â
Lucas put his hands on either one of her shoulders. âFirst of all, I feel like when you know, you know. I donât think itâs too early, especially when youâve known each other for ten years. That aside, if you guys really are forever, a little distance wonât be the end of you. Plus thereâs a great opportunity youâll both make it into the same company after graduation, especially if you go to the same city.â
âWho are you?â Manon asked.
Lucas rolled his eyes again. âMan, Iâm serious.â
âI am too, why are you giving me rational advice? No offense, but youâve never been my go to advice giver, especially when youâre so shit at taking it yourself, grudge boy.â She raised her eyebrows at him, and he blushed.
âGrudge boy, thatâs a new one,â he said.
She placed her hands on top of his. âIâm not saying you donât have a reason to hold a grudge, Iâm just saying maybe you should take some of your own advice and live and let live. Even if you refuse to tell me about it, I can tell that someone has a hold on your heart. Pretend all you want, but you forget that we share a soul, and that I feel everything you feel just like you feel everything I do.â
It was really annoying how perceptive she was. âYou can keep it to yourself for now, but you deserve to be happy. As long as heâs making you happy, I guess I canât complain,â she added, âAlso, I still have my money on Arthur.â
âIâm not dating Arthur,â he said fruitlessly, earning him a sly grin. She probably still didnât believe him, but at least he didnât feel as guilty now. If she went on thinking he and Arthur had a secret relationship, that was on her.Â
It hit them both that theyâd been talking much longer than anticipated, and Lucas knew Eliott was probably wondering where the hell he was. Plus, he was tired as hell after taking exams all day.Â
Lucas made obnoxious kissing faces when he dropped Manon off in her room, which he could tell she was only pretending to be annoyed by. The love emanating off her was too strong for her to actually have been mad. He wondered if his own love was as apparent, even in small ways. One part of him hoped it was, another part hoped it wasnât.        Â
Lundi 2:17
Another night, another couple hours lying awake against his will. He hadnât dwelled too much on his middle of the night thoughts during the hours he was supposed to be awake, but every time he laid down in bed for the night they came creeping back, interrupting the peace he found in Eliottâs arms.Â
âYouâd tell me if anything was wrong, right?â Eliottâs voice ghosted on his back as Lucas laid tangled in his arms and legs. He startled slightly, heâd thought Eliott was already asleep.Â
Lucas didnât know where the question came from, but he lied swiftly. âOf course.â
Part of him felt bad for lying, especially when he could tell Eliott cared so much about him, but he didnât want to deal with the things he was feeling, at least not verbally or at two in the morning. He didnât want to be a burden on Eliott, a broken mess Eliott had to continually pick up the pieces to.Â
âI love you, Lu, more than you know.â Eliottâs voice came in a murmur, and Lucas wondered if maybe he was asleep after all, or halfway there. His heart burned at the words, burned of his own love mixed with his feelings of unworthiness that only came out at night.Â
The best thing to do, the only thing to do was to shove everything to the back of his mind, ignore it all, and respond from the depths of his heart and soul. âI love you more than the moon loves the sun, Eliott Demaury, donât you ever forget it.â
Eliott never responded, breathing slow and steady, which was just as well. Lucas even found himself drifting off into oblivion as well, the tundra inside his brain finally slowing down enough for him to take a real breath and remember that what Eliott said was true. He was loved in a way heâd never been loved before, and he should be taking advantage of that instead of running through all the things that could, and invariably would, go wrong.
Mercredi 12:57
Being in love was really annoying. He couldnât keep losing his breath every time he caught sight of Eliott, it was getting ridiculous at this point. Although, in his defense, he did have a reason to lose his ability to speak or form a coherent thought at that moment.Â
Eliott had texted him to meet outside the school at 13h, and to wear something nice. It didnât take a genius to figure out that meant Eliott was planning a date, but Lucas found himself giddy and nervous nonetheless. It was the first date theyâd been on, and the first real one Lucas had ever been on, now that he thought about it. They had Wednesday rehearsals cancelled because the director was out for the day, and Eliott clearly intended to take advantage of a day free of worrying about classes.
Lucas didnât really know what âdress niceâ entailed, so he put on a pair of jeans and a blue denim shirt with a white shirt underneath. He didnât have a suit, or anything, so this would have to do, given that most of his clothes were made for working out.Â
Eliott, though, clearly knew what âdress niceâ meant. Because holy fuck. He had a green short sleeved turtleneck on that should not have made Lucas feel the way he did, but he couldnât control the visceral reaction heâd had when he walked outside and caught sight first of Eliottâs fluffy hair, then the clothes hugging his figure.Â
âHi,â Eliott said, shoving his hands in his pockets as Lucas approached.Â
âH-hey,â Lucas stammered, still at a loss for words. âI feel a little underdressed.â
Eliott looked him up and down, scrunching his eyebrows. âAre you serious? If we didnât already have plans Iâd already be tearing those clothes off you.â
âEliott!â Lucas giggled, scandalized.Â
Eliott laughed softly before calling him out. âOh, please, like you werenât thinking along the same lines?â
âNot that I was, butâŠâ Lucas trailed off, forgetting what he was going to say when Eliott smiled at him so earnestly he thought he might melt on the spot. He blinked a few times to regain his composure. âAnyway, where are we going?â
Eliott shrugged, walking away backwards so Lucas would know to follow him. âAnywhere and everywhere,â he said when Lucas caught up to him. Anywhere and everywhere. Yeah, Lucas could get behind that.Â
It was thrilling, to walk around together in plain sight, no one even glancing at them twice thinking, hey, Lucas, donât you hate Eliott? Because he didnât hate Eliott, and he didnât have to here.Â
When Eliott reached for his hand, Lucas grabbed it readily, beaming ear to ear. Eliottâs thumb rubbed circles on the back of his hand idly, and every touch made his heart stop beating just a little bit.Â
When they ended up in front of the Louvre, Lucas looked at Eliott in amusement. Could they be any more cliche?Â
âWeâre tourists for the day,â Eliott explained, âBesides, whenâs the last time youâve been here, appreciated the art for real?â
It had been years, Lucas realized. Heâd never cared much for museums, much less art museums, but the look in Eliottâs eyes changed his mind. He knew Eliott was passionate about art, especially dance, but from the minute they entered the museum it was like Eliott was an entirely new person.Â
He pointed out and explained all of his favorite pieces in painstaking detail, and Lucas found himself hanging on to every single word. Sure, he didnât care much about old art hanging on the walls of some buildings, but Eliott made him care. He made him realize that it was more than just a painting or sculpture, it was a way of living, of seeing, of expressing oneself in a way that was completely unique.Â
âHow we feel when we dance, thatâs how da Vinci felt when he was painting the Mona Lisa. Itâs incredible, the things that people can do, the feelings they can convey with a single paint stroke. I wish I could do that, have that impact,â Eliott said breathlessly as they ran through the museum, ignoring all the security guards disapproving stares.
You can, Lucas thought, but he didnât say so. Maybe he should have, but he didnât think Eliott would hear it at the moment. It was ok, though, to take a moment to be inspired, let that inspiration fuel the times to come. Of course Lucas knew that every step Eliott took was impactful in the same way the Venus de Milo was, but it was ok for him to keep that to himself for the moment and let Eliott soak in all this work that clearly meant so much to him.Â
âPromise me weâll go to New York some day,â Eliott said, staring up at the ceiling in awe.Â
âWhy?â Lucas asked, looking at Eliott instead of the art. He would argue that what he was looking at was more beautiful than any piece on display.Â
âVan Goghâs Starry Night is in New York, at the Museum of Modern Art. Itâs my favorite painting of all time,â Eliott explained.Â
Lucas scrunched up his nose and giggled. âIsnât that a little clichĂ©? Everyoneâs favorite is the Starry Night.â
âThat doesnât make it any less beautiful.â
Well, that was true, Lucas supposed. âWhatâs the one of that weird dude yelling with all the orange in the background?â he asked.Â
âThe Scream?â Eliott clarified with a raised eyebrow.Â
âYeah, that oneâs my favorite. Is that in New York too?â Admittedly, it was the only famous painting Lucas knew, other than the Mona Lisa and Starry Night. It was his favorite of the three, though. He felt an affinity for the screaming dude, sometimes he wanted nothing more than to just yell his problems into the void and have no one judge him for it.Â
âNo,â Eliott said, âThe Scream is in Oslo. I donât mind, though, we can go there too. Iâve always felt weirdly connected to Norway, for some reason. Maybe itâs your parallel universe theory, the original versions of us came from Norway or something.â
Lucas smiled and nudged Eliott lightly. âItâs not my parallel universe theory, itâs a very popular concept.â
âAnd here I thought my boyfriend was a genius,â Eliott gasped with false shock.Â
âHey, I am a genius,â Lucas shot back, taking both of Eliottâs hands and looking up at him with his head cocked to one side.Â
Eliott considered him carefully, stepping closer as Lucas stepped behind himself until his back was pressed against the wall. âMmm, no,â Eliott said slowly, softly, âYou, my love, are a masterpiece.â
Lucas may have commented on the term of endearment if he wasnât so entranced by Eliottâs eyes, searing with desire. Their hands were still connected, and Eliott pressed them against the wall lightly. âWhat are you doing?â Lucas asked with a tone of false innocence. Or maybe he didnât. It was hard to tell when Eliott was still looking at him like that.
âPinning the artwork to the wall,â Eliott said matter-of-factly, closing the short distance between the two of them, not a moment too soon. Lucasâ brain didnât even have time to register how utterly ridiculous the words Eliott had just said were, it was too busy honing in on all the details of how Eliott was kissing him.Â
He kissed back just as hungrily, rising up on relevĂ© and clenching Eliottâs hands a little bit tighter. Eliott peppered kisses to his collarbone and Lucas tipped his head back, breathing heavily, opening his eyes a fraction only to remember where they were. Shit.Â
âEliott⊠EliottâŠâ his words came in gasps and, to his embarrassment, it sounded more like words spoken in passion than the fact that he was actually trying to get Eliottâs attention. That security guard looked like he might have been setting his sights on them.Â
âEliott,â he hissed, more sharply this time, and Eliott finally blinked up at him, lips puffy and so irresistible looking that it took all of Lucasâ self control not to lunge back into a kiss. âSecurity guard,â he said under his breath, and Eliott turned to look where Lucas was looking.Â
âShit,â Eliott murmured, realizing the guard was coming closer. They straightened out their clothes and separated from one another, trying to look and act casually. Maybe he wouldnât say anything if they pretended nothing had happened.Â
Then again, was luck ever on their side? âExcuse me,â the guard said, and Lucas looked at him with wide, innocent eyes. âThis is a highly revered institution, if youâre going to disrespect the property Iâll have to ask you to leave.â
âWe meant no disrespect,â Eliott said hurriedly, corner of his mouth quirking up, âBut can you blame me? Heâs more beautiful than all the art here.â
To his credit, the guard looked amused as he gestured to the exit. âI think it would be best for the patrons of the museum if you two took this elsewhere.â
âBuzzkill,â Eliott sighed as Lucas led him toward the exit by the hand, throwing an apologetic glance over his shoulder. Once they were outside Lucas put his face in his hands, cheeks burning. Never in his life would he have considered that he might be kicked out of a museum for making out with his boyfriend in the middle of the gallery. At least the room they were in had been mostly empty.Â
âWhere to next, Romeo,â Lucas said once heâd squeezed every bit of embarrassment out of himself, knowing this interaction would probably jolt him awake ten years in the future, remembering the look on the guardâs face and cringing internally.Â
Eliott merely raised his eyebrows and slung an arm around Lucasâ shoulders. It fit there perfectly, but what else was new. âI wasnât expecting to get kicked out of the Louvre, so I guess youâll have to bear with me while I make up for lost time.â
Lucas smiled, leaning his head on Eliottâs shoulder. He could do that.Â
Mercredi 18:33
They ended up doing the most touristy things Eliott could dream of, including going to Notre Dame, walking along the Seine, standing underneath the Arc de Triomphe, where Eliott took an absurd amount of pictures of him, and intentionally getting scammed by people selling poor quality berets on the streets. Being a tourist in his own city went against every principle Lucas had ever set for how to act in public, but he found that this was the greatest day heâd had in a long time. Lucas was even still wearing his shitty beret.
Now, Eliott was standing beside Lucas at the top of the Eiffel Tower, the last stop on their great Parisian adventure, and Lucas couldnât even find it in himself to roll his eyes at the cheesiness of the gesture. Maybe it was a bit more romantic than he gave it credit for. Then again, Eliott could have pushed him into the Seine and Lucas would have thought it was the most romantic date ever. He giggled to himself at an idea that slipped into his mind, catching Eliottâs attention.Â
âWhatâs so funny?â Eliott asked, looking at him with a glint in his eye.Â
âNothing, nothing,â Lucas giggled again, âI was just thinking, if we get married, we should do it on the bank of the Seine.â
Eliott looked surprised, and Lucas blushed to himself. What was he doing, talking about marriage when they were seventeen? Sure, theyâd joked about it a few times, but it felt different after the whole day theyâd spent together. âOk. May I ask why?â Eliott asked.
Lucas bit his lip, hardly containing his grin. âSo I can push you in at the end, for old times sake.â
Eliott huffed out a small laugh, closing his eyes as his smile split his face. âOnly if I can pull you in after,â he negotiated.Â
âDuh.â Lucas glanced at Eliott once more out of the corner of his eye before turning his gaze to the sunset in front of him. He didnât usually care much for natural beauty, finding beauty in movement and sound and in the walls of a dance studio, but there was something particularly special about that sunset, almost like it had been crafted just for them.Â
âExcuse me,â Eliott said, and Lucas turned his head again only to realize Eliott wasnât talking to him. He said a few words to a woman behind him, handing her his phone and returning to join Lucas.Â
âI asked her to take a picture of us,â Eliott explained, âIs that ok?â
âOf course,â Lucas responded, turning to the camera. Eliott pulled him back to face him.Â
He fidgeted and cast his gaze downward. âActually, I was hoping we could like, kiss, or whatever? Itâs cheesy, I know, butâŠâ
âShut up,â Lucas said with a smile, pulling Eliott down to him. They probably kissed longer than the photo required, but the woman taking the picture didnât seem to mind, telling them that they were a beautiful couple and she wished them the best. Eliott pulled up the picture when she was gone, and Lucas knew that, from his face, it was perfect.Â
All you could see was their silhouettes, lit from behind by a mix of orange, yellow, pink, purple, and blue light. It was obvious that they were kissing, obvious how much they loved each other, even in the darkness of the figures. It was Lucasâ favorite picture in the whole world.Â
Jeudi 20:41
It had been difficult to return to the real world after their day of false tourism. Lucas let himself believe that heâd entered one of his parallel selves for the day, a Lucas who knew nothing of Paris, or ballet, and had wanted to experience it all for the first time.Â
He kept checking his phone to look at the photo of them at the Eiffel Tower as the sun set over the city just to make sure he hadnât imagined the whole thing. He was nearly certain he hadnât paid much attention during rehearsals, but he couldnât help it when heâd just had the best day of his life. How did one come back down to earth after getting a taste of heaven?Â
Eliott was stretched out on their couch in the living room and Lucas was sitting at the counter with his laptop, trying desperately to work on his online schoolwork. Heâd hoped this week would be a bit easier going because of exams on Sunday, but of course not.Â
He might have succeeded in getting work done if Eliott didnât look so fucking cute and wasnât wearing one of his hoodies. They had never verbally agreed to share each others clothes, but Lucas stole one of Eliottâs shirts, then Eliott stole a hoodie, and things had only progressed from there. Not that they could wear any of it anywhere other than in the confines of their suite.Â
âEli, Eli, Eli,â Lucas whined from the counter, drooping his head into his arms against the cool surface. Eliottâs eyes peeked up at him from underneath the hood and his floof of hair.Â
âYes, my love?â Eliott responded, mimicking the way Lucasâ head was lying on the counter. My love. It was the second time heâd said it, but Lucas had been so lovestruck the first time heâd nearly forgotten about it. They didnât do pet names, they really didnât, other than Eli and Lu, but could those even be considered pet names if theyâd been using them since they could speak? Lucas would probably die of embarrassment if Eliott called him babe or baby. My love. There was something about that one, though, something that set Lucasâ heart on fire.Â
âI canât concentrate when youâre over there looking like that,â Lucas huffed, pretending to be upset.Â
Eliott frowned sympathetically. âWelcome to my world, Lu.â
âShut up,â Lucas said, burying his grinning face back into his arms.Â
âOh, so you can say things like that but I canât? That seems unfair Lallemant,â Eliott countered.Â
Lucas let out a giggle. âIâm Lallemant now?â
âOnly because youâre not Demaury yet.â This smooth fucker. Lucas was completely, one hundred percent done with him. He loved him so much.Â
He sat up fully, trying to turn his attention back to his computer screen so as to not give away how flustered he was. âWell, until thenâŠâ Lucas trailed off, clicking his space bar to wake the computer from its screen saving mode.Â
He let out a small gasp of shock as hands wrapped around his torso, pulling him off his seat and back onto the couch. The surprise didnât last long, Lucas sank into Eliottâs touch almost immediately, curling into him like it was what heâd been made to do. Eliott wrapped his arms tighter around Lucas, placing his head on one shoulder.Â
âMmm,â Eliott hummed softly into his ear, âI should make us dinner, youâre too skinny.â
Lucas could tell by his tone that heâd meant it as a joke, but every single nerve in Lucasâ body stood on end at the words. He didnât mean to, but he stiffened in Eliottâs arms, trying to steady the rapid pace of his heart. Heâd been so careful, trying to make sure Eliott didnât notice⊠and maybe he didnât, maybe he was just making an excuse to get up and make food, but what if he wasnât?
âLu? You ok? I was just joking,â Eliott said, pulling back slightly. He knew Eliott knew the implication of his words, he might have been the only one that knew, but Lucas had been saying he was ok, so maybe Eliott forgot about when he wasnât.Â
âYouâ you donâtâ Iâm notââ Lucas was trying to hold his words back as they came out of his mouth, and he knew the exact moment Eliott worked out what he was trying to say, because he pushed Lucas off his lap to look into his eyes.Â
They were beautiful, still, but they were furious. âLucas. You havenât been⊠no, you canât have been, Iâve made a point to make meals with youâŠâ
He didnât have a problem he didnât have a problem he didnât have a problem he didnâtâÂ
âLucas, say something.â Eliott interrupted his thoughts.Â
But what could he say? I push around food on my plate and throw it away when you arenât looking? I put on a whole façade every time you leave the room to make it look like I cooked and ate a full meal? Iâve been âeatingâ with friends so often so you wouldnât notice anything, because I know youâre the only one who would notice?
Eliott blinked at him in shock and Lucas realized he might have actually said that all out loud. Lucas recoiled as he saw the shock turn to disbelief and something that looked vaguely like anger. It reminded Lucas of how Eliott had looked after heâd insulted him at the party a few weeks back, but he was pretty sure this argument wasnât going to end with a kiss.Â
âIâm just kidding,â Lucas tried weakly, and he knew in that instant that it was the completely wrong thing to say.Â
âDonât you fucking dare, Lucas, I donât even know what to sayââ Eliott broke off, standing up from the couch and running his hands through his hair. âYouâve been lying to me this whole time. Why? I love you, and I only want the best for you, so why wouldnât you tell me when youâre slipping back into this?â
âBecause itâs not a problem, Eliott! I have it under control!â Tears pricked the corners of Lucasâ eyes and he willed them away. Fuck, he was such an idiot. So, so stupid.Â
Eliott clenched his fists at his sides, looking down to where Lucas was still sitting curled in on himself on the couch. âIt is a problem, Lucas! Maybe you tell yourself itâs not to justify your unhealthy behavior, but it is a problem!â
âEliottââ
âStop. If youâre never going to admit it to yourself, maybe I have to spell it out for you.â Eliottâs breaths were heavy and ragged, like he was angry and heartbroken at the same time. âYou have an eating disorder, Lucas. I donât know how long this has been going on exactly, but if itâs so easy for you to find ways to hide the fact you donât eat, Iâm going to take an educated guess it isnât a new thing. Which also begs the question of why no one else has noticed before.â A pause. Thenâ âI noticed, I always noticed.â
Lucas halted his rapid train of thought. âWhat does that mean? You always noticed?â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â
âI notice every little thing about you, you think Iâm not going to notice when the circles under your eyes are so dark they look bruised, or when you look so small I could wrap one hand around your waist? I ignored it for years, I told myself it wasnât my problem, that you had Yann, and Manon, and Emma, and Arthur, and DaphnĂ©, and Imane, and probably a shitload of other people you cared about more than me. I made my peace with it and I pretended not to notice. Iâm so fucking sorry for that, you have no idea, Iâm sorry for being selfish and not speaking up when there was a real problem that no one was doing anything about. But Iâm not sorry right now, because you need to hear this, you need to stop living in denial and realize that this is a problem. One that could cost you your fucking life if youâre not careful, Lucas!â His voice broke again, and Lucas felt a tear slip down his face at the same time he say one slip down Eliottâs.Â
Eliott was silent for a moment, and Lucas thought he might have run out of things to say, when he added, in the softest, most broken voice Lucas had ever heard, âI canât lose you Lucas, not when weâve only just started whatâs meant to be a life full of love.â
Lucas was at a loss for words. Eliott had noticed everything. Even when heâd been so careful over the many years, never taking things far enough to raise suspicion. No one else had ever noticed anything, but Eliott had, Eliott always had. Lucas loved him so much that he didnât know what to do with it, so he did the only thing he knew how to do when confronted with an ugly truth. âFuck off.â
The tears stopped running down Eliottâs face almost immediately. Lucas practically saw him close himself up, putting up walls that Lucas had only just started to see through.Â
âFuck off,â Lucas repeated, hating himself more than anything, âYou donât know shit, Eliott. You noticed everything, huh? What about the actual bruises, what about the way my spirit was crushed inside me every time I came back to school from the holidays? Huh? You noticed what was convenient, just so you could have this big âI told you soâ moment somewhere down the line. You didnât want to have to deal with any of the real shit, so you just hyper focused on one thing, ignoring what wouldnât make you a hero.â
âAre you serious right now, Lucas?â Eliottâs voice was cold, dead, defeated. âI need to know if youâre serious.â
He wasnât, because it shouldnât have been Eliottâs job to notice. He was, because if Eliott had made it his job to notice, why didnât he notice everything? Lucas must have been silent a second too long, because Eliott took a deep, heaving breath and stormed to his room. He made way to slam the door, turning around to meet Lucasâ eyes at the last second. âIâll let you win tonight, only because I canât fucking deal with this right now, but Iâm not pretending anymore. Starting tomorrow, weâre going to eat together for every meal, and I donât care if you hate me again, but I wonât let you kill yourself slowly. We can start small, but we are going to start somewhere, because you have an eating disorder Lucas, and yeah, itâs a problem.â
The door slammed before Lucas could respond, which was probably a good thing, because Lucas might have said something he regretted. The sick, twisted thing about it all was that Eliottâs care for him only made him want to eat less. He wanted to show Eliott that what he was doing wasnât a problem, and that he could keep doing it as long as he wanted, no matter what Eliott thought was best. He didnât need a fucking babysitter, and he sure as shit didnât want his boyfriend to act like his parent. If Eliott even still was his boyfriend.Â
This was a mess, a mess of Lucasâ own making, but he couldnât find it in himself to feel guilty or remorseful about any of it. He felt proud that it had taken this long for anyone to snap, realize that they didnât want to hold their tongue anymore.Â
Maybe it was a problem, like Eliott had said, but it had always been Lucas Lallemant versus the world, and heâd learned how to thrive in that isolation. When the world threw quite a few punches, he punched back, never accepting anyone on his team because he didnât need it. As much as he loved Eliott, he didnât need him to be there to take care of him, he could do it all himself as he always had done. If Eliott didnât understand that, maybe it would be better if they went back to being less than friends. Sometimes the best way to love someone was to let them go, and Lucas knew heâd only ever be a burden if he made Eliott stay. In the long run, Eliott would probably thank him for ending things before Eliott started to resent the fact that Lucas wasnât perfect and, ok, maybe did have a problem. It was his own thing to deal with, and Lucas would make sure Eliott knew that from here on out.Â
Lucas could already feel it hurting, the loss of the one person heâd thought heâd never have to lose, but at least he was accustomed to pain.
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Old Wounds part 2 - A Blurred Lines Spinoff
My writing brain is going crazy right now so here we go with the second part of the spinoff after this things will be back tied up. This will also be the first time Iâve told a story from an existing characters perspective so hope itâs ok
Lana tries her best to run the alliance exasperated with the advisors who are seemingly absent and hears a voice she hasnât heard in a long time
5-7 years laterâŠ
Lana shut off the holo with a audible sigh, she put her hands on her forehead slumping in her chair
From the corner the protocol droid D3-EZ coked its head âis everything ok miss Beniko?â she looked to the droid grumpily
Lana shook her head âno Ezzy I just need a minuteâ Ezzy nodded staying still, Lana sighed protocal droids never got the message âthat means leave Ezâ Ezzy nodded leaving the room without a word.
Lana dragged her fingers down her face this was not what she needed right now, Zakuul were finally leaving the alliance saying they could âmake it on their ownâ they had been threatening to do it for months but she thought they were bluffing. It wasnât that she was afraid they could âmake it on their ownâ they were bound to come crawling back but the alliance couldnât afford with this war on the horizon and the alliances place in the galaxy being questioned. She clenched her fists against the desk it certainly didnât help that the alliances two other advisors had decided to disappear now out of nowhere. She had hoped the commander would be much help but Kyradia was clearly âaffectedâ by whatever falling out she had with Kavaraa and was choosing to just sign whatever Lana put in front of her. Lana had never wanted to be in charge of the alliance but she had to do her best for the galaxy she just wished everyone else would do the same. She held her fingers on the bridge of her nose she couldnât remember the last time she got a break and Kavaraa and Theron go off on a surprise âhoneymoonâ sure thatâs fair. Just because she was alone she didnât get a chance to take holidays? She didnât blame Theron though he was following her for love Lana could understand that but did all this have to happen right now itâs like the universe was cruelly mocking her.
She looked through documents for a couple minutes before she saw a holocall from Theron Shan flashing on her display. Speak of the devil she answered the holocall as Theron flashed in to view looking stressed, that certainly made two of them.
Lana folder her arms âTheron, good to hear from you is this âhoneymoonâ nearly over I canât handle everyones paperwork you knowâ Lana could hear what sounded like distant discussion with a signature excitable tone familiar to her as the Jedi Basenâthor
Theron looked away âuh well not exactly we found a kidâ Lana frowned a kid? so what
she was not in the mood for excuses âand is this kid stopping you from coming back?â Theron coughed awkwardly as Lana bore down on him
Theron mumbled âhe found some sort of map it leads to knowledge or some force stuff and now Kavaraa wants to find itâ Lana let out a long sigh of course knowing Kavaraa they were probably already on their way
Lana frowned at Theron âyou know I canât just run this all by myselfâ Theron nodded clearly understanding
Theron tugged at his collar âyeah I know Lana but this could give us information to stop powerful people like maybe Malgusâ Lana had to admit he had a point but he wasnât getting out of this so easy
Lana leant forward messing with the console âok but this is no longer a vacation for you so hereâs the deal you help me with running the alliance like normal and I wont rat you out to your wife about calling me with updates sound fairâ yes it was technically blackmail but she was running an alliance and Theron would have done the same to her
Theron squirmed âwell youâve got me in quite the box here Beniko fine I guess this i what I get for being friends with a sithâ Lana raised her eyebrow well that helped a little with the workload âso whatâs been going on with the alliance then so Iâm up to dateâ
Lana held her forehead remembering the situation âbad news Zakuul finally went âindependentâ todayâ Theron grimaced messing with a datapad
âwhy they donât have the infrastructure the planetâs gonna fall apartâ Lana was fully aware those people had never know a hard day in their life before the eternal empire was brought down so now they blamed the alliance how do you break down that kind of ego?
Lana sighed âbelieve me Theron I know but you know how people can beâ Theron nodded
Theron rubbed his forehead âhow long till they come crawling backâ Lana had done a rough calculation and explained it to them but they were vigilant her scientific data was somehow incorrect
Lana shrugged âthe bottom line is too long we could really have used Zakuul even without the fleetâ Lanaâs mind drifted to Koth and the gravestone she wondered if they would be in a different situation without his interference with it.
Theron sighed âof course they had to do this right now when everything is so fracturedâ Lana nodded the alliance should be better than squabbling but clearly some people didnât feel the same way
Lana frowned âwell thatâs not exactly our fault is it Theronâ Theron reluctantly nodded âwe have to end this argument between them Theron itâs petty and it seems like most of the ill will is on your wifes end.â Lana knew the fight was coming but she hoped it wouldnât do this she hoped itâd clear the air so they could move on but clearly she had overestimated the two of them.
Theron grimaced âIâll try my best Lana but you gotta admit she has good reason to be madâ Lana nodded Jedi were always like this stubborn and set in their ways well except a few.
Lana sighed âIâm not asking for a miracle Theron but just try to point her in the right directionâ she ended the call and leant back. Theron would help with paperwork that was something one less thing on the incredibly long list of things she had to do, she wasnât very confident Theron would change Kavaraaâs mind she was stubborn and Theron was in love with her. Heâd probably follow her into anything she kinda got it she had been in love before but that was a long time ago, sheâd never admitted it to him either so no point getting into it.
But that was 5 years ago this was now she had work to do, she heard the comm suddenly breaking her out of her daydream as the robotic voice of Ezzy came through âMiss Nadia Grell to see you Miss Benikoâ Nadia? Kavaraaâs old apprentice? what did she want?
Lana responded âsend her in Ezzyâ she sighed an advisors job was never finished. Nadia walked into the room shuffling to the chair awkwardly
she looked away âum hello miss Beniko I uh just came to uh tell you about a distress call from the uh Basenâthors templeâ wow she was nervous she shouldnât be that was a perfectly fair thing to tell her.
Lana nodded âthanks for bringing this to my attention Nadia Iâll have someone investigate right awayâ she had a great idea for who perfect way to get Kyradia feeling nostalgic
Nadia cleared her throat âI actually wanted to ask for permission to go myself actuallyâ Lana smiled that was sweet but she had a feeling Nadia and Kyradia would not get on well
Lana shook her head âno donât worry about it Iâll make sure to get some experienced people to deal with it, donât want to drag you away from your workâ Nadia nodded seemingly understanding Lana believed she worked in the archives.
Nadia smiled âwell uh thanks for the help and Iâll uh be goingâ Lana nodded as Nadia left. She took a second staring at the door ok no one else to talk to? good she could take a second. After a few minutes she got up she had to tell Kyradia about the mission to Yavin.
laterâŠ
Lana entered her quarters tired after a long day, the commander had taken the mission and was on her way to Yavin IV meaning she was officially the only one left. This was gonna be a grueling couple of weeks, she opened up the fridge she still had some leftovers good she really had no time to cook today. She got herself a cup of tea and sat down on her couch, she sighed another day another problem at least she had a little time to rest. She flicked through the news and was unsurprised to see an article about Zakuul apparently they were having longer and longer power cuts since departing from the alliance and now the support was entirely gone, part of the city was blacked out for a full minute. Lana chuckled big surprise there, she sipped her tea in the silent quarters she certainly had made them her own but it still felt kinda empty it certainly was more homely than her old acolytes chambers. Between then and now she hadnât really had any other solid homes, could be worse though she didnât live in a ship once the leftovers were finished she used the force to pull a holobook out of her tiny bookshelf. She liked books a little escapism was always good this one was about a tribe completely unaware of the galaxy around them, she imagined that could be quite nice certainly a lot less stressful the struggles were all quite simple but still felt real and there was a lot less politics. She continued to read until her eyes fluttered closed falling asleep curled up on the couch but then sometime later she was awoken suddenly.
âLANA!â a voice wrung out in her head the voice was deep and basey but she recognised it in a second
She looked around the room âD-DzĂ»sa??â she could see no sign of him the man she hadnât seen in over seven years.
The voice, his voice spoke in her head âI d-donât h-have long come to Zakuul Iâm u-undâŠâ the voice trailed off she sat up flustered
Lana tried her best to respond âDzĂ»sa where are you?â she shouted into the chamber but there was no response. Lana took a deep breath was she crazy? she couldnât have heard that right? but it was definitely him the man she hadnât spoken too since Sullust. âCome to Zakuulâ was he there? how could he be they had scoured that planet for prisons they wouldâve found him she certainly thought she wouldâve sensed him. She had only given up hope on him once Valkorion was defeated, in every prison they went to she searched and searched but to no avail, she had tried and tried to sense him but it was like he was somehow gone. What should she do she couldnât just leave the alliance but he was well he could be alive and he may be what the alliance needs right now hero of Tython and all that. She sighed she had to try even if it lead nowhere she could put the issue to bed for good, she quickly put on her sith robes and headed out the door.
laterâŠ
Lana brought her ship down into the Zakuul spaceport as she dialed up Senya Tirall on her holocommunicator, a tired looking Senya appeared within a minute
Senya frowned âyes Lana was this so pressing it couldnât wait till the morningâ Lana wasnât usually the one to do crazy things it felt very strange to be the one leaving without a word
Lana tried her best to smile âuh well yes Iâm not on Odessen Iâm uh looking into something on Zakuul so I would very much appreciate it if you could look after the allianceâ Senya gave her a curious look
she chuckled âyouâve been spending too much time with Theron and Kavaraa, why me?â Lana chuckled understanding the irony of the situation
Lana grinned âwell you raised the Tiralls thisâll be a piece of cake by comparisonâ Senya laughed
Senya nodded âvery well I can look after thingsâ she turned off the holo phew someone she trusted was in charge, at first she thought Hylo could handle it then she realised how terrible it would be to leave the underworld in control of the alliance.
She left her ship in a hurry making her way out the spaceport and towards the spire as she walked she could she the lights flicker on and off this power situation was bad. However at the spire she saw Indo Zal waiting there with a few guards
he proceeded to shuffle up to her awkwardly âum Miss Beniko as I told you before Zakuul is now independent and you wont convince us otherwiseâ Lana stood still her eyes narrowing at Indo
Lana kept the scowl as Indo squirmed âdonât worry Indo Iâm not here for Zakuul donât think yourself so important to me that Iâd come here myselfâ Indo seemed to stifle his anger aware of Lanaâs power good âI just need to get into the spire I think I have missed somethingâ she walked up to Indo standing over him âare you going to stop me?â Indo shook his head
he gestured to the lift âr-right this way miss Benikoâ Lana made her way into the lift closing it before Indo could join her, she didnât hate him but she did hate the ego of the people in charge of this planet acting like they ruled the galaxy.
The lift slowly rose up the spire soon arriving at the seat of the eternal throne, Lana made her way out the whole room was dusty it had been abandoned after everything that happened. Once the most powerful place in the galaxy now just a dusty old relic, she chuckled kinda like Valkorion. She remembered the fight for the throne protecting Kyradia from Skytroopers while Kavaraa battled the old emperors wrath they fought as one back then what had changed. Thatâs not what she was here for though she got a datapad out hoping to slice into the blueprints of the spires she must have missed something. She had just got them up when the room suddenly went dark, she watched as the lights on Zakuul began to flicker out nearly the whole city went out this time. She couldnât help but smile maybe her calculations had been wrong they were in dire straights.
She stared at the datapad trying to find some inconstancy âLana you made itâ she heard the voice again she looked around as the power turned back on
Lana tried to see if DzĂ»sa here but sheâd be able to see the huge form on the pureblood âDzĂ»sa are you there?â she waited but there was no response damn it she nearly had him. He was here though two times was a coincidence three times was evidence, she turned back to her data pad as the power dipped again.
she noted the points she had already checked âIâm here, Iâm belowâ Lana heard his voice again below below where? she frowned he had spoken to her during the power cuts he had to that was no coincidence and he was below. She looked at all the power plants they had cleared she chuckled remembering Kothâs insane idea to save the power station during the rescue of Kyradia. But that wasnât the only power they had right, she followed the power lines down there were a few transformers relatively near to the core for geothermal power. Lana frowned that would be crazy there was hardly any way to get there, but one was below the spire maybe the lift had some secret function?.
Lana went back over to the lift there had to be something she could do, she began trying her best to slice into the console by the force she wished Theron was here heâd have it open in seconds. After a few minutes the lift had locked her out, she lashed out at the wall in anger creating a small dent, huh maybe she didnât need to slice it this was dangerous but definitely achievable. She closed her eyes reaching out with the force, she channeled all her anger for Zakuul, for Valkorion for everything that lead her to have to do this and began pulling the lift down with the force. The lift shot down reaching the bottom of the spire within minutes but now what if she went deeper, if there was nothing itâd just break the lift a bit. She pushed down and to her surprise it kept going a burst of anger flowed out making the lift descend even faster slamming down against the bottom of the shaft with a bang. Lana staggered forward feeling the force of what she had just done, so much for subtlety as she forced the doors open she sensed DzĂ»saâs presence it was here nearby.
She could hear the sounds of magma close by they must be really far down, Lana crept out making her way through the chamber until she came to a large door that slid open as she got near.
She held herself steady against the wall listening in to two voices âIâm sorry sir Iâm trying everything but we donât have the network to support the power surges anymoreâ well that at least explained the blackouts
A deep terse voice responded âI donât care about keeping Zakuul powered Valkorion has stated that this is more important so do as I sayâ the voice sounded familiar from where she had no idea
the other voice responded âthatâs the problem I donât have the power to do that anymore are you sure we should still be doing this we havenât got an update from up top in over a yearâ well she knew why that was did they seriously still think Valkorion was in control
The deep voice sneered back âI said DO IT so DO IT got itâ Lana crept into the room her eyes widening as she did, the room was an open walkway magma was flowing behind glass and in the middle of the room shackled to what looked like a four pronged transformer was DzĂ»sa. His hair was greying with a few white streaks he looked so much older and weaker, Lana saw him turn to him with a very slight smile. She felt a tear well up in her eye she couldnât believe he was here after she had given up on him used as a god damn power source for Valkorion. She felt her sadness wash away replaced with a white hot rage, she turned to the console where the figures were arguing and her rage only deepened as she saw the face of DĂ»shto ZĂątan shouting at a human male.
Within seconds she pulled in into her grip her hands tight around his neck his eyes widened as he noticed her face âremember me bitchâ DĂ»shtoâs face was wracked with shock as he tried to escape the grip. Lana felt every bit of the pain sheâd felt over the last 5 years come back as she chocked DĂ»shto this man had kept DzĂ»sa prisoner after the Eternal empire was defeated and why for some sick vengeance.
https://open.spotify.com/track/1fl5TvpPkPjx8zo45HY0UQ?si=iXzAJ4IeQomp5RoIi-Pftg
DĂ»shtoâs face crept into an eerie smile as he grabbed a knife stabbing her in the side âyes Blondie itâll be a shame to have come all this way to fail how disappointingâ Lana dropped DĂ»shto holding her side. She gritted her teeth fighting through the pain as they both ignited their lightsabers, she lunged forward with three slashes that caused DĂ»shto to stumble back as he parried each strike.
His unnatural grin only increased âyouâve waited all this time why not be with your precious DzĂ»saâ Lana felt herself thrown towards the transformer as she crashed against one of the prongs she felt the current flow through her causing her to writhe in pain. She felt her rage explode but knew she had to channel it she focussed on the electricity beginning to gain control over it as it flowed through her arms. She dropped to the ground to see DĂ»shto looking at her wide eyed she clicked her neck letting out a volley of crackling energy that surrounded him. He shrieked out in pain as she threw him against the glass wall, a small crack appeared in the wall as she slammed him against the wall again and again, she could feel the electricity waining as the glass broke with her next hit. Magma flowed in to the room leeching out to that side of the chamber stopping just before the console, DĂ»shto narrowly managed to avoid it with a roll landing across the room from her. Lana threw her saber at DĂ»shto as he sprinted towards her, once he was close Lana jumped over him pulling her saber back into her hand she landed behind DĂ»shto and went to slice at his back.
She made a laceration along his back as he cried out in pain turning around with a snarl âok then Blondie letâs get seriousâ she could see him reach out with the force pulling another of the transformer prongs out of the ground then throwing at her. She wasnât going to dodge though she could do this she reached out with the force her rage taking control of the prong throwing it back around towards him. To her disappointment he dodged as the thing speared into the glass crackling with electricity while the magma melted the metal, DĂ»shto looked from her to DzĂ»sa and then smiled he pulled the other two prongs out of the ceiling throwing them to the side.
DzĂ»sa began to fall towards the magma but Lana quickly reached out with the force trying to pull him away but DĂ»shto also had his grip on DzĂ»sa holding him in place, he chuckled ânot so tough now Blondie your powers or my brother you chooseâ Lana did her best to hold DzĂ»sa steady but she couldnât do it forever she could see the magma getting closer and closer. DĂ»shto swiped at her clumsily as she parried equally clumsily this was completely throwing off both their abilities with the force.
Lanaâs eyes widened she knew what to do she smiled at DĂ»shto âwho said anything about the forceâ with that she jumped into the air bringing her leg round for a vicious roundhouse kick against DĂ»shtoâs face, he was caught completely oof guard and staggered back as Lana kicked him again he fell back into the magma with a cry. Lana felt DĂ»shtoâs concentration on holding DzĂ»sa up falter and she quickly focussed her attention on catching DzĂ»sa holding him up just before he hit the magma. She lifted him across as she could hear DĂ»shtoâs cries of pain from behind her, DzĂ»sa landed on the ground breathing heavily Lana immediately rushed to his side to see if he was ok.
She was suddenly pulled into a big hug as DzĂ»sa pulled her off the ground swinging her around âhahahaha I knew youâd understandâ his deep voice boomed well he may look older but he still had the same energy that was good.
Her set her down immediately taking a tired knee Lana held his hand âare you ok?â seemed like a silly question he certainly didnât look ok but she had to ask
DzĂ»sa smiled warmly âIâm fine that was just kinda taxing probably shouldnât have done itâ Lana had missed that smile she pulled him into a long hug âabsolutely worth itâ
She felt her rage melt away as tears entered her eyes âIâve missed you so muchâ she felt DzĂ»sa move his arm in force like motion what was he doing
DzĂ»sa laughed âwhy we never even went on a dateâ Lana glowered at him
Lana lightly punched his arm âwe both know it was more than that even if I was too embarrassed to admit itâ DzĂ»sa smiled nodding. Lana noticed the screams had stopped she turned around to see DĂ»shto not burning in the magma but unconscious on the walkway burnes covered his back and lower half. She turned back to DzĂ»sa âyouâre still letting him liveâ she was ready to kill him five times over how was DzĂ»sa ok with this.
DzĂ»sa nodded âI know but Iâve had a lot of time to think, that man is not my brother not anymore but if I am every to see my brother again he needs to find it himself, there is no part of me that wants vengeance on anyone not anymoreâ Lana leant in and kissed him, he was just the same just as kinda hearted it had been years of torture and he was still that sweet big oaf.
Lana pulled away âIâve missed that, come on letâs get out of hereâ DzĂ»sa nodded as Lana helped him to the elevator. Lana remembered oh no would the lift still work? she pressed on the console and to her relief it whirred to life and slowly began to rise up.
Lana turned to DzĂ»sa âsooooo this lift is gonna take a whileâ DzĂ»sa turned to Lana colour seemed to be returning to his face as he began to be able to stand by himself
DzĂ»sa frowned âhere right now?â Lana nodded kissing him maybe Theron wasnât so wrong about that romance thing
laterâŠ
Lana made sure her robes were all in order as the lift finally opened, it was much slower without her force power but she hadnât minded that. She could see Indo still waiting there looking surprised to see two figures exit the lift, she noticed the power begin to dim and go completely out now well that was awfully unfortunate at least the lift had still worked.
Lana raised her eyebrow at Indo âmy my Zakuul certainly seems to be prospering without the allianceâ she pushed past Indo back towards her ship
Indo stuttered âum Miss Beniko if we could just talk for a sec-â Lana was not gonna deal with this right now
Lana smiled âif you want to discuss alliance matters you know how to contact me Indo but I doubt you would want to after leavingâ with that she lead DzĂ»sa back to her ship where they quickly took off leaving Zakuul to its problems.
After she put the ship into Hyperspace she made sure DzĂ»sa got some tea and a blanket, she sat down next to him. Lana shuffled awkwardly âso I donât know how to ask this but uh what happened to you?â DzĂ»sa sipped his tea quietly
he cleared his throat âwhen I last saw you I got a lead saying a clue to Vitiates whereabouts was on Nathema and uh the clue was from my sisterâ Lana nodded ok that at least explained why his crew didnât know where he was âNaturally I barrelled off into danger without a second thought and once I arrived I found the uh testing facility for Vaylin I think your familiar with herâ Lana nodded âand Vaylin to put it simply completely outclassed me I quickly lost and Vaylin would have murdered me if Valkorion hadnât stepped inâ Lana nodded remembering her own encounters with Vaylin she wasnât too surprised âinstead Valkorion decided the ultimate revenge would be to make me power the very city he controlled, some kind of cruel ironyâ Valkorion, of course killing his enemies would never be enough âhe constructed what you and DĂ»shto destroyed to torture my every moment and sap me of my force energy making sure Iâd never be able to escapeâ Lana nodded she felt bad for acting like her last five years were bad by comparison they were great âand that power was turned into electricity somehow, about a few months in I got a new supervisor DĂ»shto I think Valkorion thought it was a cruel joke, apparently he had surrendered just to get a chance of finding me. DĂ»shto then made it his mission to make my life non stop pain. As Iâm sure you guessed he kept me there even after the empire fell I think he would have done it forever just to satisfy his need for revengeâ Lana could see the hurt in his face DzĂ»sa clearly still cared for DĂ»shto she had no idea why though.
Lana gasped âI couldnât sense you because of the force draining right, Iâm so sorry DzĂ»sa especially about your brotherI wish I could have done moreâ DzĂ»sa smiled back at her as he gulped down his tea
he wiped his chin âitâs ok it actually has helped me gain perspective I donât want forgiveness anymore Iâm happy just to liveâ Lana nodded not totally understanding but happy he wouldnât go running off on an adventure âand I hope I can still fit into yours you seemed like you wanted that in the elevator I guess we can finally have that dateâ Lana chuckled of course heâd say that
Lana walked over to him giving him a long passionate kiss âof course you do DzĂ»sa you are exactly what I need right now itâs a dateâ DzĂ»sa smiled she really had missed that smile it seemed like she was wrong about the next few weeks theyâd be the best in yearsâŠ
#swtor#my swtor#oc#ocs#swtor ocs#swtor oc#Dzûsa#Jedi Knight#lana beniko#Jedi Consular#kavaraa#Dûshto#kyradia zandar#kyradia#Sith Inquisitor#Valkorion#Vaylin Tirall#Vaylin#senya tirall#Senya#Hylo Visz#Theron Shan#nadia grell#SWTOR Fic#swtor fanfiction#swtor fanfic#swtor fiction#oc fanfiction#OC Fiction#oc fanfic
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S
Ahhh, thank you guys so much for asking!! I just compiled them all into one post so I donât clog up your dash with several posts. Here we go! Iâm going to tag this as discourse and put a cut because my answers to the letters might not please everyone, aha. Itâs long, too. Major spoilers for NDRV3.
S: Any fandom tropes you canât resist?
Honestly, Iâm not super sure at this point. Surprise, surprise, I only just recently finished watching the rest of NDRV3 and started writing for it. And I havenât thought about tropes that much, though Iâm sure Iâve written plenty of them into my writing at some point, even if not posted on here.Â
If weâre going to go Danganronpa-centric, as this is my side blog for Danganronpa writing, Iâd say that I fall in love with characters that are contradictory and with seemingly bipolar or gray morals despite probably having morals as straight as an arrow myself, i.e. Nagito or Kokichi. The characters playing âstraight manâ and relating to the readerâs perspective are also my favorite; in a wacky situation, they offer reason and normal reactions, which I would peg Hajime as (maybe Kazuichi, too, although heâs more of a crybaby). In fanfiction, I just love hurt & comfort fics, especially involvingâyou guessed itâKokichi. I am particularly partial to the Oumota chapter 5 and chapter 5 trial rewrites, which, lucky for me, both of which are quite often rewritten by spectacular writers.
If weâre going in general, I always end up reading manga with an independent, strong and decisive character that crosses worlds and/or bodies by accident or death and becomes incredibly powerful/influential in the world and dominates over other characters with skills ranging from cooking to fighting. I guess I read a lot of manhua with martial arts or other manga with game aspects to it.Writing-wise, I love reading slow burn fics, even if I havenât read one in quite some time.Â
T: Any fandom tropes you canât stand?
I have a feeling this is going to go into highly controversial areas, so if you ultra ship Kaito x Maki, please turn away now...
I just hate that âman saves womanâ from herself or traumatic past trope. Donât get me wrong, I love hurt/comfort like I mentioned, but to specify, what I mean is when a strong and independent woman needs saving by a man. I realize Maki has a lot of issues from her past as an assassin and that Kaito is a viable, good option for helping her out and facing those issues, but the fact of him being a man and the way he just swoops in and fixes things forcefully by pulling her along for training just irks me. And before you ask, yes, if Kaede did it instead as a woman I would have less of a problem with it, even if I donât like that somehow after a couple days of training together Maki somehow is better able to get along with others and most notably Shuichi despite having spent the previous entire time cooped up in her Ultimate room alone, is willing to use her experience as an assassin to help out with the investigation when she just walked out in the past, etc. Problems from a past like that would never be so easily faced in reality; people and their minds are much more stubborn than weâd like to think, too.Â
In general, I am also highly averse to the Women in Refrigerators trope. To some extent, I feel that Kaede fits this trope, as a.) she is an important, pivotal, incredibly fleshed out female character and even the initial protagonist of ndrv3, b.) she dies arbitrarily for a murder she did not commit, c.) a big part of her death is written into Shuichiâs character development for making him grow as the protagonist (he sheds the cap, faces the truth, and the memory of Kaedeâs last wishes serves as his support to reveal the truth several times in trial), and of course, d.) her death in the execution is grotesque as befitting of a Danganronpa execution. Kaede deserved so. much. more.
There are probably more out there, but I wonât mention them for the sake of length & time.Â
U: Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.
Okay! So donât hate me for this, but I havenât been really keeping up a bunch with fanfiction writers or specific ones that much. It just hasnât ever been a habit of mine in the past to follow one writerâironic, I know. Thereâs one that immediately comes to mind, but sheâs not part of the Danganronpa fandom, so unless someone asks, Iâll leave her out of it. However, there are a couple of writers that I recently discovered through the Oumota weekend event and which I follow on my main blog, and I thoroughly enjoy reading their work. Their work also contains mentions of NDRV3 spoilers!
1. @kirastrations
I recently reblogged her work on this blog because I have so much love for the Oumota fic she wrote (which deserves more love!). Itâs called One by One, One After Another, and I simply adore the way she writes Kaitoâs character and experiences with the other characters throughout the game and the overarching feeling that comes across as a result of the situation and what ensues. The diction choices she makes is absolute art; I see the imagery so clearly in my head, and not a single word of hers is wasted. Itâs concise while being aptly and most beautifully descriptive. Even though Iâm not a huge fan of Kaito, the way she writes him and his actions make me love him. I would describe the work as a futile yet desperate and exquisite struggling, an embodiment of angst that is so beautifully painful that it appears to be an illusion. I havenât had a chance to check out other works from her just yet, but thatâs on my to-do list!
2. @golden-redhead
I love, love, love their work too. They recently posted Lavender, a Kirumi x Kaede (Tojomatsu? Kaerumi? Kirumatsu?) work for femslash Feb, and it is a post-reality Virtual AU short fic. The way they write the interaction between Kirumi and Kaede offers such a delicate, carefully constructed image and story while creating some tension between the two. They also format the story with Kirumiâs thoughts in a simple and straightforward way that is just so delicious to read. Aspects of Kirumi explored are small things that unravel into a bigger statement about her character and the nature of the killing game and the impact it has left on her. It reminds me of the way a player might gently stack up a house of cardsâattentively, with a sharp eye and feel.Â
3. @starlightwritesalie
They wrote these two Oumota fics for the weekend that I fell in love with, especially the one for Day 1: Heroes/Villains. Sometimes when living in the world of Danganronpa, you forget that these tragic situations and the killing game are experienced, in essence, by children. You can argue that theyâre older than high schoolers for the first two games, but mentally they are still high schoolers, and letâs face itâa couple years above the legal age of being an adult in America, 18, can hardly be counted as an adult, either. They reminded me of that sickening fact so poetically yet bluntly, and the story they write only serves as a further reminder of that fact. They write statements about the situation and how the pair act in the situation that are so agonizing yet irrefutableâas is the situation that theyâre both trapped in. The ending is so unbearably cruel, packed with pain, but the way they create it is so decisively soft and snatches away my breath with the truth at the heart of the game, the situation.Â
So there you have it! Sorry that my answers are so long... I have too much to say, and especially about the people whom I adore. Since it said to pick 3, I didnât get to include these two, but I also love aroseandapen and mystic-mints dearly. If you ask, Iâll write a whole paragraph on why I love them, too, although I suspect by this time you all are getting rather tired of all my talking, haha. I also didnât include imagines blogs, but if youâre curious, feel free to ask about that since I am still kind of a imagines blog! I guess at this point Iâm kind of a fusion of an imagines blog and normal fanfiction writing blog.
Thanks for asking, and if you have any more questions, feel free to shoot an ask!
#ask#anon#ask game#writing ask game#lux answers#lux speaks#discourse#not imagines#not writing#ndrv3 spoilers#drv3 spoilers#v3 spoilers#danganronpa spoilers#controversial#ask away if you have any more questions! I will always answer!#luxexhomines#astrogirl2003
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Punk Goes Pop-Klance au
Iâve got a lot happening in the next few weeks, so Iâll try to get pt 9 up in the next day or so, so yâall have something in case I donât have time to write. Enjoy!
First-Previous-Next-AO3
Pt 8
The rest of the day was spent playing video games and eating junk food, allowing Shiro to let loose and Keith to feel a bit of normalcy after his stressful weekend. It neared 9 when Shiro called it quits, so he could grade a few papers before bed. Keith powered down the X-box and retreated to his room to go to bed early, so he could maybe get a decent amount of sleep.
PJ-clad and ready for bed, Keith crawled under the covers and unlocked his phone to pull up a podcast to listen to. He remembered Hunk telling him about the new video from his âinternet rivalâ and switched from his podcast app to Youtube to check it out quickly. He looked through the comments of his Rihanna video and sure enough there it was.
BlueTailor69: I warned you, Brogaynes <www.youtube.com/fakelink>
He snorted and clicked. The page redirected to the video and Keith shook his head when he saw the title, smiling at its ridiculousness, Bring Me To Life Evanescence Remix- also known as Brogaynes is a terrible person and I hate him.
The song opened with an instrumental bit, heavy with anticipation, the beat gradually growing through the first verse. After the first line of the chorus, it dropped hard into a stretch of classic dubstep. The song repeated that pattern, slow build with samples of the original song and heavy drop, one more time before ending on a synthetic trill.
If Keith didnât have a predisposed hatred of all things dubstep, he would have liked the song. He clicked into the description expecting another snide comment like last time, but it was empty. He scrolled through the comments and saw nothing there either. He thought that was a bit odd and out of character, but dismissed it because theyâd never interacted, so there was no reason for him to know anything about this personâs character or be concerned.
He switched back to his podcast app, pulling one up, and closed his eyes. Before he knew it, the hosts said their outro an hour later and Keith was still very awake. He groaned and rolled over to grab his phone. He debated playing another one, but he didnât feel anywhere near falling asleep, so he opened Twitter with the hope that some mindless scrolling would do the trick.
The racing in his mind gradually slowed as he went through his feed. He passed a list of recommended users, quickly scrolling back up for a double take. No way, he thought, his mind fully alert again, and clicked on the user profile. Sure enough, there it was. BlueTailor69 had a twitter and it was exactly what could be expected. The profile picture was a black background with Fuck You, Brogaynes in white Comic Sans and the description read, I exist solely to spite Brogaynes. Besides, he started it.
Keith couldnât fight the disbelieving laugh that bubbled up as he scrolled through his tweets. Â They were pretty much all replies to Keithâs tweets, consisting mostly of various snips and jabs at the songs he covered. He looked again at the most recent tweet, linking to his Evanescence cover, his brows furrowing as he read the caption. Had a shitty weekend so cut me some slack. I can still hate you in any headspace though @BrogaynesMusic ;) That must have been why there was no sarcastic commentary on the video.
Before thinking it through, Keith hit the message button and typed out a quick You ok? Once it sent, he realized that that was probably a bad idea. This guy was likely some troll who just enjoyed fucking with people because he had nothing better to do with his life and wasnât worth Keithâs time to be worried about. Before he could fully second-guess his decision, his phone pinged.
BlueTailor69: ???
Keith stared at the message bubble, just as confused as to why he was messaging this guy as he was.
BrogaynesMusic: You said you had a shitty weekend. Just asking if you were ok
You stalking me now brogaynes? Was ruining Beyoncé not enough for you?
No, you popped up in recommended and I was just trying to be nice. Sorry for caring. Keith huffed indignantly as he typed the message and sent it.
Dude im kidding lol
⊠oh
Sarcasm doesnât translate well over messaging lol knew I should have used an emoji To answer your question, not really? I found out some stuff that upset me and then I was a dick about it Still need to apologize for that
I had a bad weekend too if that makes you feel better
You want me to revel in your sadness to cure mine?
No? just trying to sympathize
ik I was kidding again I really gotta use emojis with u dude
leave me alone
you messaged me broski
âŠfair sorry I shouldnât have bugged you
Nah youre good man cant sleep anyway
same
we can talk to each other til we fall asleep, how romantic!! Rivals to lovers! They can make a movie about us! I totally ship it
why are you like this
I didnât get enough attention as a child im sleep depraved and lucid I hate myself and veil my insecurities with humor take your pick
-_-
:D
(ïŒâžá)
Oooooooo fancy how u do that??
skill, you scrub
rude
ÂŻ\_(ă)_/ÂŻ
Thatâs it ive decided your emoji game is too fly for me not to be in love w/ you
k?
I just declared my love and all you have to say is k? K?
k?
you bastard to think I ever loved you
are you always this dramatic
I was an attention-starved middle child. I learned fast
Makes sense going to school for acting then? wait, youâre not some creepy 56 year old who preys on people on the internet right??
Lol im a sophomore in college, music production major actually and I bet you really insulted some lonely 56 year old who scours the internet for companionship to fill his empty soul
Just checking
wbu? Youâre not some 56 year old who lures people in with his deceptively youthful voice are you?
Nope, college sophomore too
See! That canât be a coincidence, we were meant to be together!
Youre weird
Thx I try what are you in for?
Performing arts
Imma take a stab and say singing?
Yep
Nice you could go far with that
I thought you hated my music
Subject matter, not quality you have a really good voice
Thx
Youre supposed to say, you too
Fishing much?
I have a fragile ego and no concept of self worth, I need constant validation
Relatable I hate dupstep, but youâre not terrible
That was painful for you to say wasnât it
A little, not gonna lie
Well Ill take it anyway :) u tired yet
Keith stifled a yawn as he got the last message.
Yeah a little
Im that boring huh
Shut up, you asked
ik lol feel free to sign off if youre ready to sleep
nah im goodigeudjlflllllllll
you feel asleep in your phone didnât u lol good night dude
#punk goes pop au#klance#klance au#klance fluff#voltron#voltron legendary defender#vld#vld lance#vld keith#fanfic#fan fiction#klance fan fic#writing#my writing#Eliot's creations
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