#how am i supposed to wake up tomorrow morning and act like i didnt spent the entire night crying over this book

[cabesswtaer]

just finished the winners by frederik backman how the fuck am i supposed to cope

[yyxgin]

no bar!! never fret about replying late. i know what it’s like to not want to talk to anyone. honestly. i won’t call it (my experience) a depressive episode bc one of my friends used to brush off me when i was saying things like i’m depressed and say ‘sad’ instead. like if i were to say ‘that made me/i am depressed’ she’d say something like ‘oh god same! like if it’s making you sad,, don’t do it.’ which is a v poor example of what she did but i never called it depressed after that bc she pissed me off n was disregarding of my feelings (even though she’s incredibly anxious herself) bc i didn’t get it officially diagnosed. idk if you’ve ever read about birth control pills but i always read on tumblr people calling them literal depression pills and i ignored it, thinking either 1) people were being dramatic / were over-dramatising it or 2) it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. it fucking happened and they were not being dramatic. i was never happy n always working on minimal sleep n making self depreciating jokes all the time bc it was the only way i could cope with my thoughts n constant mood swings. so what i’m trying to say is,, i know how it feels. if that’s any consolation. it’s not me trying to be ‘oh me too!’ or ‘mine was worse than you’ it’s just me being understanding n telling you it’s okay. also lemme at your friends!! i’ll stomp them out n get the barman to run them over for you!! they’re so mean to forget you!! i find that deciding i want to do something specific n then asking the appropriate people if they want to do saïd thing/place works for me. it can be a simple ‘we should do this, when are you free?’ helps. making it known that you want to do things helps. or aggressively remind them that it’s nice to be asked bc it means they thought of you even if you couldn’t go n tried to include you. or we can revisit me stomping them out w my beloved barman,,, whatever works best for you my dear <3

admittedly me and one of the girls were discussing that we are going to miss our manager. even though literally everyone moaned about her (i feel like it’s impossible to avoid in literally any job/situation) she did have her moments and she did a lot for the staff like after work-drinks, asking the chefs if we could order off of the customer menu instead of the staff menu or whatever they cook in bulk for everyone to take home in the evening. apparently she did this a lot more than the previous manager. she has a good heart but sometimes she ignored some of the girls when we ask for days off or our availability for the week which was very annoying of her. it could’ve been a lot worse, i suppose, but overall she wasn’t terrible.

thé lady who lives in my town and drops me given the chance, told me the other night that she used to be the duty manager. i asked her why she stopped and she explained that when they furloughed everyone they asked her to come back on like half pay or something? idk i just remember it being explained as they wanted her to come back sooner and take away her furlough so she said no and got demoted. but somehow she still gets some of the furlough? idk i have been taught that asking how much or discussing specifics of paychecks kind of thing is rude, growing up. she has been telling me they keep asking her to come back (now they’re asking her to be a supervisor since she declined the manager role) and she keeps saying no. i love her and want the best for her so i won’t say anything to anyone about the conversations me and her have had (i mean, apart from maybe my mum if i can remember, and you bc, let’s be real, you don’t know me and idk you) and she says they’re just difficult to work with as a management team. she even said our area manager isn’t impressed with our current assistant manager (who is currently the only person on an houred contract since our manager left) which shocked me since i personally think he is quite good considering he has a good relationship with the staff and kitchen (he’s thai so he can communicate with the kitchen better than most of the wait staff (some wait staff are thai but mostly not)) i think she doesn’t want to be the eldest person in management or she doesn’t want the age gap to be so big since she has a kid she can lecture at home, she doesn’t need to be looking after people at work, y’know?

also today, me and one of the girls were upstairs (two floors of the restaurant!) and it’s nearing 11pm and her brother (who also works there) comes up and asks us when we’re finishing (mostly her lol) but we had two tables just sitting talking amongst themselves so she just said idk. he was saying he wanted to go bc he’s tired etc n he’s driving n she was like it’s fine go home i’ll call an uber or something n he was refusing to leave her behind. (i feel like i brushed over the two tables sitting there but it must be noted they’re the only tables left in the entire restaurant and we were the only two wait staff still there, apart from her brother but he changed and was waiting downstairs). anyway, she was sweeping (i was cleaning the booth/sofa thingy chairs as it was a mundane task we could do to pass time and while she was sweeping by one of the tables thé boyfriend was whispering to his girlfriend saying ‘should we go?’ and the girlfriend said ‘why should i care?’ and the girl came over to tell me v quietly and i got so upset for her. bc she is literally the sweetest person on the earth and the only reason i didn’t go to ask the manager to see if i could go home with the lady who offers to take me (ex-duty manager lady!) was so she wasn’t alone up there. if i had been the one sweeping near that table i would’ve snapped so fucking hard at them. i mean, we’re 18 and have lives and sleep schedules, and we’re working until 11pm on a thursday before we even get home?? like i wouldn’t have minded staying if they were reasonable tables but after the gf said that i was like ‘shall i go get our stuff from the staff room?’ so i could split as fast as possible. in the end the temporary acting manager came up and told us we could finish and she kicked the tables out ten minutes later. i told her what the table saïd and she thought that was mean and unnecessary too. i was also worried about my sleep tonight since i have my first vaccine tomorrow morning. that’s why i was more pressed about what time i left work today. oh well.

im sorry for talking so much about work! sometimes i don’t have someone to talk to about it (at home) bc of my weird hours and sometimes i don’t like re-explaining things to my mum if she doesn’t get it the first seven times. sometimes it’s just a little too draining as she doesn’t understand since she’s a lifer at her job. it’s easier to explain to my dad but then i get a whole lecture on something that i ultimately have no control over n id rather just bitch w the girls at work but the problem is WE’RE AT WORK!!!

also i booked for my first tattoo!! i’m excited. it’s for next week,, which was super quick considering i was expecting to have to wait soooo much longer. i’ve been telling people about it and that it’s happening but i haven’t had the pleasure of telling people exactly where i got the idea from. bar, my dear, you know wheein’s new album, redd? well, it comes with loads of things, including these stickers (one for each song) and the one from springtime was just so perfect and when i saw it my first thought was, this would be a perfect tattoo. and so i am having it tattooed on my body. a subtle nod to kpop whilst also having something meaningful on my body. i also have just decided i want a small, minimalistic (or one-line art) rose on my sternum, kind of in the valley of my breasts, bc my nan was a rose. i like having her close to me. i recently got her necklace fixed which has left me feeling so incomplete after it broke in august last year. it’s been almost ten years and i think i’m long overdue something to remind me of her. i fiddle with my necklace when i’m nervous which is why i love it so much but incase it breaks again (i pray it doesn’t but i have a long life ahead of me) i would like her close still.

gosh there’s never enough space in my head to remember what i want to tell you so i’ll stop here for now since i should sleep to be able to wake up in time for my first jab. i’m scared but it’s whatever i’ll do it i suppose,, eeek 😨

ilyl ~ 🌻

thank you so much for opening up to me about this, it means a lot to me :( i am so sorry you had to go through this and honestly,, i really resonate with you. i feel like when i talk about my emotions and my sadness (dont know if its okay to call it depression either but yea), my friend either always either makes me feel like my emotions arent valid or she tells me she doesnt know how to help, which is frankly, why i dont talk about my emotions to people irl anymore. i dont open up and it takes me a long long time to do so if i ever do, because i tend to feel insecure/not safe :D so really, thank you for telling me and i hope you are doing better. your emotions are valid and i am always here for you 

HAHAHA i mean i dont have many friends so theres not many to stomp on:( but i mean,, i get passive aggressive when i feel forgotten/left out so you best believe i told my friend how im feeling, but like uhhh it didnt do much. i spent the whole weekend at work and i was free on friday but my friend decided to ditch me and yeah. i havent been out in like two weeks now and i mean i am an introvert so i dont mind that much but even i want to socialise sometimes

aah i mean every manager has their flaws, no one’s perfect. my manager keeps calling me to go to work even though i was literally there for 11 hours on saturday AND sunday which means i worked for 20 hours in two days. and i work 20 hours a week at max. and i already worked some hours before the weekend so i think i have like 30 hours now and she keeps calling??? dude i need a break too,,i am so exhausted and tired of this shit :dd

oh i totally get what the lady that drops you off sometimes told you. i would feel a little iffy if i heard it too, but like,,,judge by your own experiences!! if you feel like something is off, you can always leave,, so i wouldn’t be so stressed about it.

why are people so rude ??? dude,,you should care, because we are all human. everyone has their needs and their lives and i bet he wouldnt like it if he was the one in your place. why should you stay there longer just because he didnt want to leave?? that was so unnecessary. people are weird beings and i learnt that after working with them this weekend,,,like i litereally got screamed at because i couldnt accept cash in different currency. like,,what tf do you want me to do?? i dont have every single currency with me so i could give u the change ?? tf ??

ALSO ITS OKAY TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT !!!! i also feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about work bc my parents dont listen to me as much as they used to these days and my friend unsurprisingly just doesnt care bc she doesnt work,, and i dont wanna talk to my internet friends abt it as much bc i feel annoying so i am glad us two can talk about these things together !!!! 

YOUR FIRST TATTOOOO WHOAAAH thats so cool. i love tattoos hihi dfkja idk if u already had the appointment but tell me how it went after !! i wasnt able to find the sticker on the internet but im sure it looks hella pretty. also i love how it reminds you both of kpop and your grandma, its wonderful <3 i really want to get a tattoo one day,, and i also want something meaningful (not that i am hating on people that tattoo themselves just for fun and have no meaning behind their tattoos i just have commitment issues so i want something long lasting). alSO my crush (yes i have a crush now ew) has a tattoo and it looks like satan lowkey,,but apparently its a japanese something (i forgot the word oopsies) and it means jealousy, bad past and wisdom ?? i was like BOY IF U DONT??? fjdkla he has blue hair btw i am very much whipped but he also doesnt know me and i am older than him so this is embarrassing

ALSO I HOPE YOURE FEELING WELL AFTER GETTING THE VACCINE !!! 

ily <333

[theyrealllegends]

Careful (Roger Taylor x Reader)

Chapter Summary: You’re not the only one who’s developing feelings but Roger is too, trying to have you close to him at first, but then he’s trying to forget you over way too much scotch. This is how both of you get sick and he takes care of you again. 

Author’s Note: It’s Roger’s POV in this chapter, yeeet! (Please don’t @ me I can’t tell you why and if you don’t like it I’ll never attempt it again, I promise)

Words: ~2k

Warnings: I’d rate this mature because (and this is a spoiler) someone’s masturbating aaand there’s drinking again and eventually someone has to throw up

Chapter 4

Previous Parts: Ch. 1, Ch. 2, Ch. 3

I couldn’t fall asleep that night because Tiffany never left my head: her reddish-blonde curls, her incredibly green eyes, her lips for fucks sake - I needed that. I craved being close to her, to feel her, to hear her breath like I’d never wanted anything else. The boys had noticed that I was hitting my drums harder than I usually did while messing up their rhythms and I knew that they knew that something was off but they wouldn’t mention it if I got myself under control before our next gig tomorrow night. I just didn’t see how that was possible, when I was now here, lying awake and only the thought of Tiffany’s voice made my whole stomach feel light, in the best way possible. I had no idea how long I’d been staring in the dark but I was seriously contemplating to go out and either get drunk or find some girl to do whatever it took to distract myself. I just couldn’t let myself think about what I’d do to her if she hadn’t been this innocent little princess I saw, every time I looked at her. Even though only my refusal to think of that was enough to give me a hard one, already. I swallowed hard as I carefully touched myself and I stopped trying to shake the thought of her because I knew I couldn’t while I was masturbating - what would it feel like to bury myself in her body, feel her skinny, yet strong legs wrap around me and see her losing herself in my thrusts. God, I just wanted her to feel as good as she made me feel when I got into the kitchen to a prepared breakfast, when I didn’t feel like a dumbass because she’d make me study and when I managed to make her laugh. I gripped on my own hair at the thought of her laugh, trying to imagine it were her tiny hand and her skinny fingers pulling on the strands while I held back a moan. Tiffany Abberforth was the most precious human being on this planet and I’d have to protect her with my whole life, I knew that for a fact. 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

“You wanna join me tonight?”, I asked her, when I met her in the kitchen the next morning. Probably I was being selfish to try and get her out of the comfort of our flat, but I wanted her to be closer to me anytime. She was reading some book like the smart girl she was but she put it away as soon as I tried to talk to her. 

“Where are you going?”

“The boys and I have a gig and I thought - since you’re freed now - you might like…?”

“Are you trying to make me drunk two out of three nights in a row?”, she called me out in a joking tune and it made me smile to see her that relaxed. 

“Of course not, but I’d like you around me two out of three nights in a row.” Damn, she had no idea what she did to me when she blushed. She looked down at her hands, seemingly battling herself to a decision. “No pressure, Tiffy, if you’re there, you’re there and if not I’ll still play for you.”

“You know it’s not because I don’t want to hear you play, right, Rog?”

“Do I?”, I asked and leaned my head to the side a little too let her know I wasn’t completely serious. 

“I can’t see myself enjoying your show in a huge crowd at all, it scares me, especially since I wouldn’t know anyone watching you, too and I - “

“You can join us for our rehearsal on Friday, if you prefer that.”

“That’s perfect”, she immediately agreed and I felt great about it. It relieved the thought of being rejected, at least. 

“We can have dinner after, if you’d like.”

“We always have dinner, Rog.”

“No, I mean, you and me - and the boys if we can’t get rid of them - having dinner in a restaurant, if you’d like.” Now I was the one blushing, I feared, as she looked at me in surprise. 

“Yeah, I think I’d like that”, she said after a moment and I smiled at her. 

“Me too, Tiffy.”

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

I knew I shouldn’t really - even though there wasn’t anything exclusive about Tiffany and me, there wasn’t a “we” if it came to anything else than talking about our shared flat situation, but I still felt guilty and like I wasn’t supposed to let all the girls approach me after our gig. 

“Hey there, sweet boy”, one of them purred, “How you doing, love?”, the other one said and “You did so amazing!”, I heard a third one while they really gave me a hard time to move forward, just trying to get to the bar behind Brian. Their hands were all over me and I was glad I didn’t wear something too showing or open, even, and it wasn’t that I didn’t like it, I just felt like it wasn’t fair. I wasn’t looking for anything they had to give me, instead I was trying to figure out which of them reminded me the most of Tiffany, really, and I knew that was just wrong. 

“Thanks, girls, but let me have a drink first, would you?”

Of course I ended up buying the three of them drinks and I hated to admit it, but it was kind of a given that I went outside “to smoke”, only to make out with one of them, finally letting go of the thought of Tiffany’s emerald green eyes. I didn’t enjoy the night at the girl’s place - as if the universe wanted to punish me, really, for drinking myself into a state where I didn’t only forget about the girl’s - or Tiffany’s - name but also about my own, to a state where I didn’t care about anything anymore, trying to find relieve in it. I couldn’t even remember the sex for the love of god, only assuming it was good, by how the girl was cuddled against me, how our clothes were all over the floor. But the mattress woke me up, squeaking and poking into my back, which didn’t make the pain in my head any better. I just stumbled to grab my clothes and left, unable to look back at the girl or respond when she called for me, only heading for the door. I didn’t know if it was the alcohol or the hole situation getting the best of me, but I didn’t make it really far without throwing up and horribly cursing myself. I’d done dumb things but they didn’t really compare to last night. 

Also, when I got home, there was light in the kitchen. It was an early morning and I knew, Tiffany was one to get up before sunrise but couldn’t that girl let herself get some rest once? She was reaching for the medicine cabinet, when I stepped into the kitchen, feeling her eyes on me and suddenly realising that I could easily be covered in my own vomit, if I was as unlucky as I felt that moment. 

“You need help?”, I asked nonetheless and the worry in her eyes got wilder as she heard my hoarse voice. 

“Where have you been?”

“I couldn’t tell you her name, even if I wanted to and I really shouldn’t have gone”, I tried to explain, unable to lie to her, or stand her quizzing look another second. “I feel sick, man, I had way too much scotch last night.” What would I do next, call her “mate”? This is really a great way to safe your ass out of this situation, seriously, keep going, Taylor, you’re doing great. 

“Makes two of us, though”, Tiffany murmured and stepped away, acknowledging that she was a bit too tiny to reach the pain killers. I reached up, to hand them to her, unable to look her way - mostly because I was really aware of the bad taste in my mouth and I didn’t want her to smell me in the end. 

“What’s wrong, love?”, I still asked, scared that she wasn’t alright. 

“I get sick after every exam period, really and here I am, coming down with a fever.”

“Then, hush, to bed!”, I said, grabbing her to make her move and tug her in, before I could escape into the bathroom. “I’ll make you tea and get you soup, you just stay there, you hear me?”, I rambled in the process of getting her into her bed. I started brushing my teeth, while I went into the kitchen to put some tea water to a boil and looked through the cabinets for soup, realising I’d have to pick some up at the store. That wasn’t half bad in the end, because it forced to make myself look somewhat decent and I could get new cigarettes, cheese and toast at the store too, so I could at least eat some terrible breakfast when I came back to find Tiffany asleep. 

I prepared the soup as it said on the pack and carefully carried it to her night stand, before I sat down next to Tiffany and softly ran my fingers over her face to make her wake up. Her skin was really clean and soft, but it felt hot to a point that I wished I knew a doctor, a better one than myself, for sure. 

“Wake up, sweet girl, you need to get your soup down, so you’ll get better.” She smiled at me weakly and tried to move to a sitting position, so she could cuddle against her bed’s headboard and slowly eat the soup I held for her. I watched her eat in silence while I sat next to her, my legs crossed on her mattress, realising I should turn her heater up for a start. The tea water had gotten cold while I was gone so I reheated it, to finally make the tea she needed and I looked at her in her bed critically, while she sipped it. “Tiffy, do you want me to get you more pillows?”, I asked because it was kind of impossible that I had more pillows than she did, right? She giggled at me and moved her head for me to come closer. 

“Rog, you’re acting like my mom - worse, actually, because she doesn’t consider you sick as long as your bones aren’t broken.”

“But -“

“I just need to rest, don’t worry”, she didn’t let me interrupt her. “You should go, so I don’t infect you.”

“I won’t leave you alone, unless that was your attempt to kick me out.”

“No, it wasn’t”, she explained and I felt relieved. She didn’t seem to be angry at me or the way I’d spent my night and that made me feel a little less sick. 

“Good, then”, I said and slipped under her covers. Her eyes were on me, looking a little shocked, otherwise just intensely focused on me, as I moved towards her to rest her head on one of my arms and spoon her. “You fine, love?”

“Yes, but you don’t have to -“

“But I want to”, I whispered into the back of her neck. 

“Thank you”, she murmured, shifting around a little to get the most comfortable.

“I was worried, when you didn’t come home.”

“I’m so sorry, Tiff”, I told her again, honestly. “I really shouldn’t have gone.”

“Glad you realised that”, she mumbled and it made me chuckle a little. Her breathing became slower and deeper when she feel asleep and I hummed one of the songs, the boys and I were working on, to fasten up the process, until I eventually fell asleep as well. 

Tags

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[fatrainbowmermaidunicorn]

Changes (Namjoon x You ONESHOT)

Hey thanks for the request anon! Honestly, this song give me feels. This is my first ever hyung line fic, so thanks for giving me the opportunity and hope you will enjoy it! <3

MASTERLIST

Mmm, baby, I don't understand this You're changing, I can't stand it

"Y/N, please baby, open this door," Namjoon whispered for over a hundred times as he slide down her apartment door. He has been here for hours, begging for her to open the door and just talk to him. They have been arguing for weeks, probably months, that Namjoon lost track on how long it actually is. And the worse part is, its over something Namjoon don't even know about. Despite their rocky relationship and Y/N asking him for the gazzilionth time to just end the relationship, let her go and just move on, Namjoon doesn't seem to be able to do it.

Y/N is his love.

She is everything he has ever hoped to find in a girl. She is his perfect match in every single way. The way they met, although is more than a cliche typical love story, their feelings for each other are definitely not. Namjoon and Y/N loves each other very much, too much, they believed they have met that one person that was meant for them in this big world. She catches his eye at a fansign over thousand other girls and he has been pursuing her since them. Relentlessly and shamelessly showing his interest until Y/N submit to her feelings for him that he knows she have.. After months of persuading and chasing after her, Y/N finally opened up her heart to say yes and accept his love.

They were madly in love. They perfectly complemented each other in every way. They spend almost all of their waking time together in Y/N's tony apartment where Namjoon will only go back to his dorm to sleep when he absolutely have to. Tours that use to excites him has become some kind of a torture to him now. Having to spend months away from the love of his life, with only limited time for phone and video calls and short text messages to quench his longing and desire for her was hell. The boys doesn't seem to mind their over obsession with each other, as their leader seems to be at his happiest when he's with Y/N. A happy Namjoon means he is willing to work harder, dance harder, especially on days when Y/N would come and watches him practice, he is constantly in a good mood and with his mind always on cloud nine, Namjoon is able to produced more award winning love songs in a heart beat, all thanks to Y/N. The boys definitely have nothing to complain about their relationship, in fact, they welcome her into Namjoon's life.

Their relationship has been going on so strong for almost three years, Namjoon was sure nothing would ever break them apart. Sure, they have their off days and up and downs. Which couple doesn't? But they will somehow always managed to work things out and it will only lead them to develop a stronger feelings for each other. However, for the first time ever since he met Y/N, Namjoon can feel something is changing. Y/N is changing and it scared him to no end to think he might actually really lose her this time.

Things started to go downhill when he went off for on the last leg of his world tour. Months of separation has taken a toll on him. He miss Y/N so much, he is more than ready for the tour to end, pack his bags and went off to see Y/N, taking her in his embraced, making love to her all night long and never lets go. However, about two weeks before he was set to go home, he can sense the distance Y/N seems to be putting between them. Phone calls that she used to eager to received is now left unanswered. Video calls are met with excuses. Text messages are left unread, making Namjoon more anxious to come home even more. The worse part is, he doesn't know the reason why, and one thing that can make him aboslutely crazy, it is not being able to understand what is happening.

Once he got out of the plane, the first thing he does is run off to hail a cab and make his way to Y/N's apartment, leaving the boys and their manager in confusion. Expecting to see a smiling and overjoyed Y/N who is waiting for his return, Namjoon is sorely hurt and disappointed when he is only greeted by a cold Y/N who wouldn't even let him into her apartment or talk to him. Again, without any reason or excuse.

Y/N is changing.

The months he spent away from her made her change.

And his heart cant take it.

He needs his Y/N back.

"Y/N, its me. I'm back baby!" Namjoon knocks on the door with excitement only to be met with Y/N who looks tired and seems like she's been crying for days. "Baby, what ha-"

"You shouldn't be here Joon. Please just go," Y/N spoke between the crack of the door, voice sounded so weak and defeated, it breaks Namjoon's heart, although what she said should break his heart more.

"Go?" He asks in confusion. "What do you mean baby? Why are you saying this? Open the door and let me in. I miss you," he smile, hoping Y/N will drop the act and told him that this is all just a joke, a prank to rile him up and nothing has changed. Everything is just like it used to be.

"Please Joon. I... I don't want to do this anymore. I cant do us anymore. Please just go," was all the she answer she gave, partnered with a solemn face as she push the door trying to close it shut.

"What? You cant possibly mean that. Baby, I-" Namjoon didn't get to finish what he had wanted to say before Y/N is already shutting the door right on his face, leaving him in confusion and in dazed of what just happened, standing awkwardly in front of her door with his luggage scattered all over the floor.

Namjoon thought maybe Y/N is just going through a phase, and with time, she will be back to normal.

But all that happened months ago, and the situation doesn't get any better. Y/N refuses to talk to him at all, or even see him. Still with no explanation or reason from Y/N, Namjoon was left confused and broken, which made him resort to waiting for Y/N everyday in front of her door, begging and waiting for a chance to talk to her.

And today was no exception.

"Please baby... I dont understand, why are you doing this..." he whispered as he leaned weakly and sat on the floor, back leaned against Y/N's door, whispering the same words he has been asking every day since he came back. Words that he doubt Y/N even hear. Or care.

Namjoon leaned back his head against the door and closes his eyes, trying to think about any possible reason that could have make Y/N changed so drastically. But however long he thinks about it, nothing came to mind except the thought that scares him the most; she just doesn't love him anymore.

If that was true, what could have possibly change her heart?

"Baby... what made you change? Dont you love me anymore? Did you change your mind? Did you decide that I'm not worth to love anymore?" he will always whisper into the cold, still night air, intending for Y/N to hear him but with a voice so weak and defeated, nobody would be able to hear the cries of his broken heart.

Namjoon will spend the whole night curled up in front of her door, believing that she will finally reveal herself one day if he didnt give up and only goes back to the dorm when the sun has risen as he still have his responsibilities to fill. Looking at the tired and a broken down Namjoon everyday worry the boys but they know they should give their leader time before they starts to interfere.

"I love you so much Y/N. I'm not going to give up on us. On you. Never.I love you. I will see you tomorrow love," Namjoon leaned his forehead against her door as he softly speaks through it every morning before he left, hoping that one of these days Y/N will hear the plea of his heart.

Little that he know, every night that he spend leaning and whispering through the door, Y/N is right on the other side, leaning back, hearing every single thing that he said while clutching her aching chest, trying to calm her broken heart while trying hard to muffle her cries from Namjoon's hearing.

My heart can't take this damage And the way I feel, can't stand it

Namjoon is going crazy. He cant think of anything else other than Y/N. 24 hours a day, seven days a week, the only thing on his mind is Y/N. Months has passed and Y/N still didnt even give him a slightest reason on why she's doing this. Namjoon's heart is broken beyond repair and its taking a toll on everyone around him.

Is this how it feels to die from a broken heart?

He asks himself as he lay down flat on his bed, flipping through photos of him and Y/N in his phone.

Where did everything went wrong?

The memories of the two of them sharing smiles and laughter flooded his mind.

Why did everything change?

He touched his wet cheeks from the tears that he dont even know is rolling down from his eyes.

What happen Y/N? Please tell me. I dont think my heart can take this any longer.

A soft knock on his door makes Namjoon raised his head to see Jin leaned against his doorway, a sad smile on his face as he looks down at his broken friend and leader. It hurts Jin to see someone who is always so charismatic beaten down to a pulp like this.

"Hey Joon, can I come in?" Namjoon only answered with a weak nod and Jin walks in to take a seat besides him on the bed. "What are you doing? Are you thinking about Y/N again?"

Namjoon closes his eyes and sighed. No one understands what he's feeling and he hates to answer all this questions when all they are going do is judge him and tell him to move on.

But how can someone just move on from being in love?

"What else am I supposed to do hyung?"

Jin sighed. "Joon. Its been months. I think Y/N has made herself perfectly clear on what she wants. Dont you think you should move on too? Isnt that what she would have wanted you to do?" Namjoon straighten himself up and clasped his hands together under his chin, his head hung low.

"How can I do that hyung? When she doesnt even tell me why she's doing this? I thought about it every day but nothing makes sense. I dont understand," he huffed. "My feelings for her is not like running water that I can just turn off whenever I want to hyung. My feelings for her is real and with her doing this... I... I..."

"What is is Joon?"

"I feel like dying," he closes his eyes as if to recall the devastating feelings before continuing. "The way I'm feeling, the way my heart is breaking... I cant stand it hyung," Namjoon buried his head in his hands. Jin softly run his hands down Namjoon's back, patting him as an effort to try to comfort him. He himself is not an expert in love, how is he supposed to say words that would help calm Namjoon's heart?

"I dont know what else to say Joon. But I just hate seeing you like this. All of us do. We are all worried about you," Jin paused as he stare straight ahead at the blank wall. "But always remember that you are not alone. You will always have us," he softly stood up and heads for the door.

Namjoon maintained his position for a while longer as he rethinks and rethinks about everything that had happened in the last few months. Finally, with ultimate determination, he stood up and grabs his jacket. He is going to get his answer, and he is going to get it tonight.

Girl, you're making it hard for me

"Y/N, open up this door or I swear to God I have no problem to break it down!" he yelled as his fist bang against the door, making the wood creaks loudly. He had enough of being Mr Nice Guy. Y/N is going to give him the answers he wanted tonight whether she likes it or not. After the banging continues for almost another 15 minutes, making the neighbors around pokes their head through their door to see what's the commotion that's happening and only to be met with Namjoon's sneering, Y/N finally open the door.

Namjoon quickly steps in before Y/N have a chance to lock him out again. He only realizes what Y/N looks like after locking the door and turning around to face her. Honestly, she looks worse than he is. Her face pale and colorless, dark eye bags all over her eyes as if she hadnt have enough sleep for the last few months, eyes red and swollen, signs she too has been crying non stop and she looks so skinny, that her collarbone shows and protrudes against the loose collar of her oversized t shirt.

"Ba...baby, why are you like this? What happened to you?" Namjoon pulled her into his embraced as Y/N just stood still like a statue, submitting to his every touch. He released her after a while and peeks at her sunken face.

"Baby, please. Please tell me why you are doing this? What happened between us?" He plead. Y/N closes her eyes for a bit before opening it back to stare into his, hollow and blank.

"Why are you here Joon? I told you. I told you I dont want to do this anymore," her quiet voice that Namjoon missed so much finally filled the air.

"No. I know you dont mean that baby. Can you just tell me what's going on? Whatever it is, we will work through it. We always do,"

Y/N looks at his face as tears starts to pool at the corner of her eyes. "No. Not this time Joon. I dont deserve you. Please just go," she begged. Namjoon grab her shoulders and shake her.

"No! I'm not ever going to let go. Y/N please. My heart cant deal with this anymore. The damaged it went through for being apart from you... I cant baby,"

"Joon, you dont understand. Please..."

Namjoon shakes his head. What is Y/N talking about? Why is she saying all these things? What dont he understand?

"Then make me understand Y/N. Tell me. Show me. Explain to me. Whatever it is, as long as I dont lose you, I know I can handle it,"

Tears starts to fall more rapidly down her sunken cheeks at his words. Namjoon dont understand any of it. What has made Y/N so broken?

"Joonie... I love you," her voice is so low Namjoon had to take a step forward to actually hear her. But once he did, once the long awaited the love confession reached his ears, his broken heart soared. Hope starts to rise for him again.

"Baby. I love you too. I love you so much. There was never even a second that I have stop loving you," he gave her swift butterfly kisses all over her face. "Please tell me baby. Make me understand. Mend my broken heart that only you can fix,"

Y/N closes her eyes as her tears is no longer able to stop from spilling out. After a long paused, she finally opened her mouth

"I'm pregnant Joon. And its not yours,"

PART TWO PREVIEW

A/N: I am planning to turn this into a two shot, where the second part has nothing to do with the song, but everything to do with the story. I feel like Y/N deserve another chapter to explain what actually had happened. Give me your opinion if you think I should continue?

Namjoon held the door from letting Y/N slammed it shut on him again. He looked deep into her eyes and he is convinced that Y/N still loves him. He dont understand what is going on, and he want answers now!

"Dont you dare Y/N," he warned. "I know you didnt cheat on me. I know you are not capable of that. You love me and I can see it. Tell me what happened Y/N. Tell me and let me love you again,"

Y/N released her hold on the door and Namjoon take the opportunity to wedged himself in. She lowered her gaze as Namjoon stand in front of her and her tears rapidly fall to the floor.

"You are right Joon... I didnt cheat on you. I...I... I was..."

[annak47hq]

one call away ‘ anam

Who: Adam Levine and Anna Kendrick @alcvinehf

What: What was supposed to be a somewhat drunken phone call, turned into a slight hook up and late night talks between the ex couple.

Where: Adam Levine’s new apartment, in California 

When: Friday, November 9th, 2018 

Trigger Warnings: slight talk fertility issues

Trigger Warnings: slight nswf 

Adam: They hadn’t even been broken up a full two weeks yet and Adam was already making himself look like a love sick puppy. He missed her, he missed her a lot but he couldn’t figure out if this was good for them or not, not yet. He spent more than half of the night after the fashion show wasted, then hoped on a plane still drunk at 4 AM for work, then went out for drinks after work and here he was, back at home. Dusty was with his mother considering he had been more than busy and Behati was still in New York, so he would see her tomorrow for the rest of the weekend before getting her off to Behati’s for the next two weeks. However, like he had been doing for the past couple of nights, Adam had just changed into pajamas and crawled into bed. Typically when Anna started entering his mind he wouldn’t call her, but it was different for him tonight. As he raced through his contacts to find her number, he hit a few buttons and connected a call, putting her on speaker and placing the phone down on his bare chest while he waited for her to pick up and answer him.

Anna: Anna was a mess, she kept telling everyone she was fine which she was, but at the sam time she wasn’t. Having Hailee here with here for a few days was a good idea, but the women was getting drunk and acting like a teenager over a break up that happened not even a month ago. Anna was in bed, exhuasted with her pajamas on and ready to fall asleep when her cell phone rang. Looking at it, she saw it was Adam’s name and the brunette groaned in frustration. This wasn’t how brake ups are supposed to work. Taking a breath and chewing her lips, Anna sat up and pushed her hair out of her face “What, Adam? I was just about to fall asleep….” Anna said, annoyed, pushing her hair out of her face. 

Adam: “That’s not the greeting I was looking for…” Adam frowns, his voice soft yet reeling from the fact that he had been drinking. She couldn’t detect it of course, but it was still happening on his end, nonetheless. Letting out a heavy breath, Adam moves the phone to the side of the bed and moves a little to get comfortable. “I just…wanted to hear your voice, baby…”

Anna: “If this is a booty call..” Anna started, while bitting down hard on the inside of her cheeks, but then heard the sound of his voice. Taking a breath, Anna had now been chewing her lips and sighed “Don’t.. please don’t call me baby. Adam what’s wrong?” She questioned, now a bit worried and rubbed her forehead. She knew he was wasted, and she wondered if she should go and pick him up, but Anna was exhuasted. 

Adam: “A booty call? Hm. You don’t know me at all…” He whimpers at the sound of her voice, and the words are a lie. She did know him, because that’s what this was and he knew it, she knew it. Nothing was wrong, he just wanted to hear her voice. “I was thinking about you…” Adam whispers, his hand resting gently on his chest for now but it’s slowly starting to venture down. “Talk to me…”

Anna: “This is a booty call Adam.” Adam… she went back to call him by his name and not baby or honey or babe or sweetheart like she used too. Taking a breath Anna knew he was probably wasted and the brunette sighed when she said he was thinking about her. This wasnt helping. Nothing about this phone call was helping. This wasnt how brake ups were supposed to go. Chewing her lips, Anna swallowed hard and paused her tv “Well I was just about to fall asleep cause Im exhausted. Where are you?” Anna asked

Adam: Although he’s frowning while she uses his first name on him, Adam looks away for a moment and clears his throat. He couldn’t help it, that he was thinking about her. They broke up and he never stopped, he didn’t think he would stop but he couldn’t admit that to her. Not now, anyway. “You used to love it when I called you baby…” He says, same tone in his voice as he stopped his hand from moving. “I’m home. I’m fine…” He slurs out for a moment but shakes his head. “You still love it when I call you baby…”

Anna: Anna had finally just gotten closure with her ex boyfriend Ben, and told him to stop calling her but now, now Adam was doing the same but the women didn’t want to let go of him. She loved him, she was still so in love with him. “Mmm.” Was all Anna could say, and he was right, she did love it when he called her baby. “You’re drunk.” Anna said, and then bit down hard on her lips “I do, but we’re..” Stopping herself, Anna let out a huff and took a sip of her water bottle, placing her phone on her lap and putting it on speaker.

Adam: It dawned on him that he was doing the same thing she told him about before. Of course it had, and it made him feel terrible. However, ever since the two of them had met each other, Adam found it incredibly hard to stay away from Anna at all. He loved her, he loved her so much and it killed him. “Mmm…” is the only small noise that falls from his lips, because he wasn’t going to deny that. He was drunk, it was the second night in a row that he was and there was no use in lying to her. He knew what she was going to say, but he didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t need the constant reminder. “Five minutes…please…” He whispers into the phone as he lays on the bed beside him and he moves his hand again. “I just want to touch you…and all I have left to do is /think/ about touching you…”

Anna: The brunette knew he couldn’t stay away, and wouldn’t, which honestly the women didn’t mind. She knew they both were still in love with one another, and it would be a while for them to get back to where they were before, if possible. Taking a breath, this was the first night that Anna wasn’t wasted and it was going to be the first morning she wouldn't wake up without a hangover. “Do you…, do you want me to just come over?” Anna questioned suddenly, the brunette hated that she just asked that, but she’d be lying if she said she didnt miss his touch too.

Adam: They couldn’t have sex, not now—not tonight, at least. He was drunk and she wasn’t, he could tell by the tone of her voice and that could be construed in the wrong way, if they had sex with one another while he was drunk like this. He may have been in an incoherent state but he was coherent enough to at least know that. “Hm,” Adam slightly whines, the noise falls from his lips too fast and he closes his eyes. Maybe it was that and the fact that he didn’t want her to see how much of a mess he had personally and actually been. “Just talk to me, baby…”

Anna: Anna wanted him, and she needed him. Though he was drunk, the women still wanted to go over, and just have him hold her in his arms. That’s what she missed most at night, him holding her in his arms. Taking a breath, Anna sighed and closed her eyes for a few moments “Um I.., well I signed onto a new movie, and other projects are starting up soon.” Anna didn’t know what to talk about, she knew he didn’t want to talk about them, or their issues with getting pregnant, so Anna figured she’d talk about her work.

Adam: There was so much going through Adam’s head, wondering if he should have just let her come over or not. He clears his throat, listening to her for a few moments while his free hand is running through his hair. “I’m so proud of you…” He suddenly whispers, and for a moment he quiets down because he’s choked up and realizing that it’s one of the few times he’s said that to Anna, and it makes a pang of guilt run through him.

Anna: When he said he was proud of her, Anna had realized it was one of the first times he’s said it. Feeling the fresh water form in her eyes, the brunette took a breath and cleared her throat “Uh.., so how… how’s Dusty.., how was the fashion show?” Anna questioned, her voice a little choked up 

Adam: “I called you hoping to do something else and talking about my daughter kind of kills the mood…” He’s joking, at least trying to lighten the mood away from what he had just said as he clears his own throat. “She’s good. The show was good.”

Anna: “Well I., I can still come over.., and we can do whatever it is you want to do..” She knew he wanted sex, Anna chewed her lips and then took the phone off of speaker, and put it to her head “Good I.., I miss her.”

Adam: He goes quiet, thinking to himself. He could shower and sober up, and maybe they wouldn’t even have sex. He didn’t know, but the thought of her was getting too much to bare for him, especially with the way that he would try on his own every night. “…Okay.” He whispers. “Okay. Come over.”

Anna: She got up out of bed, still on the phone with him and started packing. Not too much, she was only staying or hoping she’d stay the night. It was late, and Anna didn’t care if she was going in her pajamas. The brunette locked up, and headed over to his place, the place where she had only been a couple of times. Once arriving, Anna knocked on the door and waited.

Adam: While telling Anna the address of his new apartment there in L.A, they said their goodbyes to one another and Adam texted her the address once more so she had it. After that, he had jumped into the shower as an attempt to try and sober himself up, for the better part of at least fifteen minutes. He changed into a pair of gray sweatpants and a white tank top, and just as he was downstairs and finishing a glass of water in the kitchen, Anna knocked on the door. Letting out a small breath, Adam ran his hand over his face and made his way over. Looking around, he had just finished picking things up because the new apartment was a mess, due to him being barely even moved in and frankly not caring more than he should. Opening the door, he looks at her. “…Hi.” He whispers.

Anna: Wearing purple pajama pants, and one of his long sleeved shirts, when he opened the door to his new place Anna took a breath and smiled softly “Hi.” She said, and leaned in to kiss him softly “I.., I don’t want sex tonight.., can you just.., can you just hold me and.., can we just talk please?” Anna questioned, before walking in. She hated that he was living in an apartment, and not in the house with her. She hated this situation but knew it was best for the both of them, well not this situation. Not smelling alcohol on his breath, and seeing that he sobered up Anna looked at him.

Adam: He wanted to pull her forward and kiss her until her lips were bruised and peeling from the lack of pulling away…but he didn’t. He just kissed her back simply and then looked at her for a few moments. “Yeah.” He whispers, closing the door behind him. Looking at her for a few moments, he sighs. “It doesn’t mean I’m not gonna wanna touch you though.” 

Anna: When he just simply kisses her back, Anna presses her forehead against his “I…, I mean I want sex. I’m always going to want to have sex with you but baby I’m.., I’m so exhuasted and I just want you told me in your arms, and talk all night like we used too when we first started fooling around.” Anna said, and then followed him into his new home “I…, I like this place. It’s nice, but I just hate that you aren’t home with me.”

Adam: Talking was always so abhorrent to Adam. He didn’t like talking, Anna knew that, especially about what had been going on in their personal life. As he follows her into her new apartment, he lets out a heavy sigh. “Yeah, I…Fine.” He says, shaking his head. “Just…please, Anna. No feelings. No baby talk.”

Anna: “I promise, no…, no feelings and no baby talk.” Anna said, taking a breath. It was hard for her not to talk about it but she was going to try. Taking a breath again, Anna took his hands so he can lead her into his bedroom “I’m exhuasted, and I’m tired of crying. So we can talk about anything.., please.” Anna whispered, and leaned in to kiss him deeply.

Adam: “I mean it.” The words try to come out stern, but with Anna around, there was typically no definition of stern in Adam’s vocabulary. He could try, but he failed miserably at it. Leading the way into his new bedroom, Adam lets go of her hands and sits down on the edge of the bed, arms extending to bring her in closer so she’s standing in front of him, his legs on either side of her so it’s easy for her to straddle his lap. “Let me touch you…” He whispers.

Anna: “Yes, sir.” Anna said smirking a bit, but then looked at him with raised eyebrows. Anna loved the rough sex with him, and this was turning her on, but the women truly was mentally and physically exhausted. Chewing her lips as he leads her into the bedroom, Anna sat on his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck “Okay.” She whispered

Adam: As she sits in his lap, Adam lets her do it for a moment and then he brings his hands forward to help her up again. His hands are at her hips and he’s pulling her in closer, lifting her shirt up and over her head. As it falls to the ground, his rough hands are back on her skin and sliding over her stomach and up further to her breasts, his eyes glancing up at hers. “I miss touching you…”

Anna: While he pulls her in closer, Anna took a breath and kissed his lips softly. Letting him take her shirt off and throwing it onto the floor, Anna got chills all up and down her body while his hands are on her stomach and on her breasts. Moaning a little, she bit down on her lips “mm.., adam..”

Adam: He can feel her skin shiver underneath the touch of his fingers and he can’t help the small noise that leaves his own lips because of it. He moves his hands a few minutes later and they go back down her waist, this time toward her pajama pants. He pulls them down her hips carefully, watching as the fabric falls and his eyes are still locked on her. “Off,” He whispers.

Anna: She didn’t want to have sex tonight, she just wanted him to hold her, but with what he was doing right now, it was impossible to turn down sex. Especially sex from him. Feeling his cold and rough hands on her body, Anna closed her eyes and bit the inside of her cheeks. Taking her pajama pants off, Anna kissed him hard but then looked at him for a few moments.

Adam: Most of him just wanted to do this. Have her touch underneath his fingertips, just touch her like this and he was glad that she seemed to be letting him despite the context of their phone call earlier. He was almost certain that this wasn’t what would have come out of it but he wasn’t going to complain, either. Watching her step out of her pajama pants, Adam’s hands work down the last piece of clothing that she’s wearing and he moves his hands back to her waist, just staring at her up and down for a few moments. “Mm…” He groaned. “I missed you…”

Anna: She missed him. God she missed him, everyday since they’ve been broken up. Anna wanted nothing more than to just have him hold her in his arms every night, but right now that wasn’t happening, or well it was. As he stares at her, she blushes and moves forward, wrapping her arms around his neck again “I miss you too.” Anna whispered

Adam: He stays quiet, just looking at her. She was beautiful, especially like this, in front of him the way that she was. He could feel her body working underneath him and he knew her body well enough to know that she was about to tremble completely because of him. His own breath heavies again just because he’s watching her, pressing his fingers harder into her.

Anna: When they finished, Anna was breathing heavy and she was pressed up against his body, still wrapping her arms around his neck, half naked. Anna swallowed hard, and kissed him softly. Pressing her forehead against his once again, she looked at him and then licked her lips “That..” Letting out a couple of breaths, Anna closed her eyes for a few moments and put her shirt back on. Taking a moment to relax Anna continued with “That was amazing.”

Adam: After they were finished a few minutes later, Adam had gone into the bathroom to wash his hands and wash up himself before going back into the bedroom where Anna was. He sat down again on the edge of the bed and watched as Anna struggles to catch her breath, biting down on his lower lip as he grins. “Yeah?” He whispers.

Anna: She laid down on his bed, Anna smiled softly to herself, and then pulled the covers on her. Watching as he walked to wash his hands, and clean himself up Anna leaned on her side and nodded “Yes. Honestly, you just fingering me is what I like. You know what you’re doing.” Anna said, and then looked down at his sheets “Can you come lay with me? Please?” Anna asked

Adam: “So you tell me that now? We went nine months without you telling me that was a preference?” He teases, letting out a small laugh now as he pulled the white tank top up and over his head and moving it aside so he’s left in his grey pair of sweatpants. Climbing under the covers with Anna, he looked at her for a few moments. “Please,” He whispers. “Remember what I said…”

Anna: “I mean you’re just really good in bed, so when you do that to me like that I don’t know..” Anna said, and then watches him as he climbs under the covers with her, and then looks at him, and sighs “I won’t.., I promise.” Anna chewed her lips, and kissed him softly “So…, this new project that I’m doing.., it’s a SCI Fi which is something I’ve never done before, and I’m kind of nervous about it.” This was going to be hard, it was going to be hard not talking about them, or feelings, or babies. Thats what they did for the past 9 months when they were together. Taking a breath, she chewed her lips and closed her eyes. 

Adam: “You lose control? You unravel right…underneath my touch? Exactly the way I wanted you to…” He teases, biting down on his lower lip for a few moments, but then nods when she promises that she won’t bring up their relationship issues. As he kisses her back, he lays there underneath the covers with her and then sighs, nodding his head. “Well, don’t...don’t be nervous...You’re gonna do great.”

&FINISHED