#house fucking jester

[saint--claire]

We are coming up to Beans’ birthday soon. When we got this tiny cat, she lived in the bathroom for nearly two weeks. She spent approximately 22 hours a day in a picnic basket, often with the towel draped to leave a space for breathing.

We used to go take a book and a cup of tea in there and sit on the floor with her. When we started leaving the bathroom door open, she was too scared to go near it.

Eventually Beanie graduated to being taken out of the bathroom in her hot air balloon, and she had scheduled people interaction time in a new space. Here is the small criminal in baby gaol.

The iron on top of the washing basket is to stop baby from fleeing to the nearest dark crawl space.

Her Grace lives with FIV+, and so she used to get sick a lot. We ground anti anxiety tablets into her food. Smeared antiseptic cream all over the raw patches on her legs and belly and then smeared betadine all over the two of us when we got scratched to shit.

The less that could be said about the Bean’s first shower, the better. We ended up hurling water out of a mixing bowl at her across the bathroom, after every single other method of rinsing her down had failed. We’d turfed everything out of the bathroom and had basically made it into a wet room. The calamity. On the second attempt, we locked her into the shower recess with me. I think the scars are still in my shoulder, but beneath the paint in the photo below I’m laughing.

Was this necessary? Who the fuck knows! But we were doing our best at the time.

I don’t remember how long it was before Beans learned to play! But we were so excited. Eventually she started to explore. Stopped running for the nearest bolt hole every time we so much as stood up.

Poor Beanie and her cone of shame. It didn’t work, but again, we tried. Cutting her nails went so badly we had to ask the vet for sedatives to try and give it a go. Smashed the tablets into at least two different types of wet food and had to smear it on her fur so she would lick it off her sides before we could get it down her. 24 hours later she was practically passed out on the couch like a stoner, complete with the crossed-eyes and dopey posture and she still opened up the back of my hand when I took her paw.

Those are the eyes of a small cat who’s telling you she’s never done anything wrong ever and she is a LIAR.

Now days, the Bean is a whole new cat. She runs the Formula One circuit at 1am, she shrieks when we don’t get her breakfast in her dish quick enough in the mornings, and she tries every day to break into the Forbidden Hall Cupboard of Towels.

She remains the approximate size and weight of a newborn baby, and in the past couple of weeks has begun to sit happily in my lap to have cheek scritches.

Happy nearly-4th birthday Beanie. We love you.

@ahartfulloflove

[mostanimalshavearmsandlegs]

Do you thin jesters bite their nails

I think their mouths are too big to bite their nails yet ive always imagined their hands and all their skin for that matter to be NAAASSSTTTYYYYYYY like im tlaking covered in grime and dirt and mold and blood and various scrapes from running around in a dank bunker. Their nails and cuticles would definitely not be in good condition. The same with their box I bet they have little dents and abrasions from running so fast and hitting things . very gnarly looking creature s in general *smiles* AND THEY WOULD SMELL SOOOOO BAD

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

its 2am im posting the friend i made for Derry since they looked lonely. they're partners in crime except not bc Derry is too sleepy to participate past the idea stage

jesterly is not their real name 💅 their pronouns are whatever is funniest in the moment 💅 also i would punch them in the face if given the chance and they would deserve it

[evilfarmin]

wow you're kinda sticky huh what'd'ya do die in a glue trap thirty minutes ago?

[1] [2] [3] [4] [here] [6]

[jesterjaxx]

JAX

JAX MY FRIEND

ARE YOU ALIVE

YES SORRY

[orangechickenpillow]

I was so hoping we'd get the cask of amontillado and I was not disappointed

[charmixpower]

Thinking thinking 🤔🤔

What scar do you think each of the girls would have? I'm doing doodles and I was thinking about how they'd collect scars as they got older and such and I'm curious what attacks y'all think should of left a mark

[jalopeura]

eso anniversary event first day double crafting writs but i have to go take a nap 3/4 of the way through my character list bc its so much work

[delusional-mishaps]

GIGGLES AND KICKS FEET!!! (he's gonna propose)

and extra silly funny. i think he'd actually be really bad at minecraft when he first starts playing but he tries his best :) he'll let his speedrunner s/o provide wverything for him while he tries to build a nice house (he's following a youtube tutorial)

[alliekitaguchi]

things matt has canonized for shadowgast (that i can remember):

essek and caleb have been living together since they got together (so roughly 7 years) and essek hasn't been back to the dynasty since before the mighty nein ended

caleb is cluttered and messy but essek tolerates it for him

essek bakes sweets (because i can't picture caleb being the one to do it)

essek wears caleb's clothes because they smell like him

essek and caleb have a portrait of the two of them together in their shared lab

essek has learned enough zemnian to curse in zemnian (and actively chooses to speak it)

essek and caleb have sat for couples portraits together

essek regularly sends messages to caleb when they're apart

essek has picked up some therapist habits (likely from caduceus) and has talked caleb down from a ledge during bad mental health problems

essek now wears bits of orange and caleb wears bits of purple

beau and yasha regularly come over and spend time at the shadowgast household

there's enough space in their house for guests (and jester has been by enough times to draw dicks everywhere)

they fuck in every room of the house

[j3st3rfun3r4l]

skill issue /j

I would prefer it to be skill issues tbh

The worst part it's that this fucking shit isn't even cheap so i can't say that its expected that it doesn't work properly

[medicinemane]

Elon Musk is (unintentionally) a very very funny man

Probably shouldn't be in charge of massive companies though

[edelgarfield]

like yes, essek's disguise was paper thin to anyone who knows him but also if you think back to cr2, he was a FANTASTIC liar. he did an extremely good job keeping tabs on m9 without being obvious & making THEM feel indebted to HIM, when he was the one who needed them more. and before he started to reciprocate their feelings of friendship, he very clearly clocked their fondness towards him (jester in particular) and was milking it for all it was worth.

like obviously he started to genuinely like them & that's when his lies fell apart like a house of cards.

which I think is exactly it: essek is extremely skilled at lying when he has no emotional investment in something. he was able to fool everyone bc it didn't mean anything to him. he didn't care abt the dynasty or the assembly or the thousands of people he got killed, he only cared abt himself & his interest in the beacons.

but the moment he starts to Feel Something, he completely fails to hide it. which makes sense bc until m9 he never had to do that before! he's fucking terrible at masking his emotions bc he had 0 practice.

so now with BH, having to confront the full consequences of his actions—he didn't just start a war, he's directly responsible for the potential destruction of the entire fucking planet—he's on a hair trigger whenever anyone brings up ludinus, or his friends are threatened.

[essektheylyss]

“Your delinquent child is outside, and I have assured him that he is very, very grounded.”

Between Yeza and the campers still waiting for their parents to arrive from around the coast to collect them, Veth wasn’t sure any of them saw her move between the dining room and the foyer before she’d thrown the front door open.

Outside, Caleb held Luc by the back of the vest, neither of them looking any worse for wear. Behind them, Jester and Fjord looked a bit sheepish, though not nearly as sheepish as her son, who had almost curled into himself beneath the venomous look she’d given him.

“I thought you were dead! You're never leaving this house again! I couldn't get in contact with anyone and I thought you were fucking dead!” she screeched, before any of them could move, but Luc almost kept pace with her, slipping from his godfather’s grasp and, to her surprise, likely to the others’ surprise as well, threw his arms around her.

“I’m sorry, Mom, I should’ve listened to you, I’ll stay grounded for as long as you want—“

Veth spluttered for a moment, though her arms wrapped around him in return. This had not been how he’d returned under Kingsley’s grasp, caught by the ear and cursing up a storm.

It took a long moment to realize that Luc was trembling beneath her grasp. Very faintly, but definitely trembling.

She looked over his shoulder at Caleb, then Fjord and Jester. “There have been… several lessons learned in the past thirty-six hours,” Caleb said, his tone even stonier than his expression.

Fjord nodded slightly in agreement, carrying the weight of agreement. Her grasp on her son tightened, and she kissed his hair. Her sharp tone felt empty and hollow even to her own ears.

“Don’t you ever run away again— Don’t you know what I’d do if you were killed—“

“I know, Mom,” Luc interrupted, and for the first time in weeks— months— a long fucking time— he didn’t sound petulant.

He sounded like her boy.

“I kept him safe,” Caleb said flatly, also without any defensiveness. There was, even for Caleb, a dark flame behind his eyes. It felt like a spark she hadn’t seen in quite a few years.

“He was very particular about it,” Jester agreed, and then, in a poorly-disguised whisper, “Trent.”

Veth’s grip tightened, and she pulled Luc aside, away from the doorway. “Come in, tell me all about it—“ she pulled back and checked him over as Caleb nodded and passed inside. “You’re all in one piece, you’re alright—?”

“Yeah, Mom,” he agreed, with exhaustion. “Uncle Deuce made sure we were all in one piece.”

Jester pouted as she passed. “I also made sure you were okay, alright, but Caduceus is so helpful, you know, and honestly, in the end, it wasn’t even that bad— we saved most of the town, and we had a great party, and—“

She stopped her rambling in the middle of the doorway and clapped both hands to her mouth as Luc ducked under both of them into the house.

“Oh. My. Gods, Veth, you will not believe— Fjord proposed to me—“

With the number of things Jester had just imparted to her, it was honestly a testament to her own intelligence that Veth managed to process them in time to turn to Fjord just as he started up the steps, stopping him in his tracks.

“You what? And I missed it—?!”

"You know, Jester, I think we can let Caleb debrief the Brenatto family alone—"

She had him by the ear before he could move, which was an impressive feat considering he was over half her height, but he was almost as slippery of a bastard as she was.

Within an instant, he'd turned to mist in her grasp and vanished to the other side of the street, Jester complaining behind her all the while. Veth shrieked after him. "You piece of shit!"

In response, he yelled, "That's soon-to-be Admiral Tusktooth-Lavorre to you!"

[vivwritesfics]

Jester Stole His Thorny Crown

Chapter Twelve

He never had a choice in his life. His dreams were nothing more that that. Dreams. But then he met a lounge singer at his brother club and everything changed.

Mafia!Au

1.4K

warnings: guns, violence, talks of killing

Series Masterlist

"She's just my pianist!" Charles insisted again as Jos Verstappen walked around her, observing her. He must have said it at least thirteen times already.

She stood tall, face forward. Strong. Charles was incredibly proud of her, but his worry outweighed the pride.

The way Jos was looking at her, the grin he wore as he let his eyes travel up and down her body, it had him feeling sick. If he wasn't being restrained, on his knees, with a gun pointed at his head, he would have been over there, knocking Jos out and carrying her away from all of this.

"Why have you brought your pianist to Italy, Leclerc?" Jos asked as he grasped her chin, forcing her to look at him. His thumb touched her lip as she pulled her face away, not saying anything. As much as she wanted to punch him, zip ties held her hands behind her back.

Charles's chest was heaving as he watched. "She's got nothing to do with this!" He shouted, voice full of desperation. "Just let her go!"

Jos nodded to his son. "I want to see her perform later," he said as he walked away from her, leaving Max to take his place. "But, for now, Charles and I need to have a chat."

Now, Max wasn't a bad guy. He hated this, felt physically sick whenever he had to pull out his gun. But it was what his father wanted, and Max didn't dare challenge him.

He looked at Charles as he walked over to her. The desperation in Charles's eyes, it had him gently laying his hand on her shoulder and pulling her away.

But still, she struggled against him. "Get off of me!" She screamed as she struggled against his hold, throwing her shoulders about and trying to kick him. "Get the fuck away from me!"

"Chérie, stop!" Charles shouted. He met Max's eye just briefly and looked back at her. "Just go with him, please." he said it so quietly that it had her stopping, listening to him. She sucked in a shaking breath, staring at him. And, when she went to take a step forward, Max grabbed her.

Max released a breath of her own as he pulled her away. "I'm sorry," he whispered, pulling her into the hall.

But she didn't respond.

Jos walked towards Charles. "A pretty little thing," he said as the gun was pulled away from his head and he was forced to his feet. "I can see why you drag her around."

Charles bit back his response. The gun was against the back of his head, forcing him to walk forward. Charles obeyed. With his hands still stuck behind his back, he followed Jos through the house, towards his office.

He didn't even know the Verstappen's had a house in Italy.

Someone grabbed his shoulder, forcing him to sit in front of the desk. The gun was back at his head as he sat and stared at Jos.

"You know what I want, Leclerc," said Jos as he sat back in his seat. He pulled a revolver from his desk draw and laid it down onto the table. "Monaco."

Charles's jaw was set. "I don't have control of Monaco," he answered as Max walked into the room. He couldn't stop himself from looking over at him, but she wasn't there. Panic started rising up within him. Fuck, where was she?

"No, but you will."

Jos pulled a box of cartridges from the drawer and began loading them into the revolver. "I'm seeing to it that you have control of Monaco, Charles. You really should be thanking me for that."

Even as he spoke, Charles could hardly hear anything over his erratic heartbeat. "Lorenzo," he gasped, panicked eyes moving towards Max. "You can't hurt him! He doesn't even want this life! Don't fucking touch him!"

The gun behind his head was cocked.

"How do you think your pianist would look with her lips wrapped around the barrel of my gun?"

Charles fell quiet at that. He stared at the revolver in Jos's hands. She should never have to see it, especially not have to see it threatening her. She was too good for that, for any of this. But he'd dragged her into it, like the cunt he was.

"No matter," Jos said and put the revolver back in his desk drawer. "We can discuss it over dinner."

With that, Charles was hauled to his feet. He was dragged out of the room and shoved into another that was nothing more than a closet. the door was immediately locked and Charles was left in darkness.

He didn't know how long he was in that closet. Nothing could be heard as he tried to feel his way around the dark room, trying to find any way out. But, with his hands stuck behind his back, it was impossible.

His shoulders ached as he pulled on his bindings. But they wouldn't give, keeping him trapped. His head hit the door as he gave up. Why had he brought her to Italy? If he'd just left her home, left her alone, she never would have been in this mess.

It must have been hours later, hours of him with with his head against the door, it was opened and he was pulled out. The piano was playing as he was marched through the halls.

Fuck, he felt physically sick.

She was there as he was marched into the dining room, playing a piano that had been pushed into the room for the occasion. She wasn't wearing the clothes she was in when they'd arrived in Italy, not wearing that skirt she'd been in on the plane.

The red dress was designed to piss him off. It was so damn short, revealing her entire thigh when she was sat down. The straps were pushed off her shoulders, and she was too afraid to push them back up.

Charles couldn't look away from her as tears rolled down her cheeks. But she made no noise as her fingers hit the keys, playing a tune he recognised to be classical.

"Sit," said Jos as he pulled out a chair. Charles was forced into the seat and his hands were freed, but the gun was back against his head.

Jos patted Charles's shoulders. He grabbed the revolver from the table and walked over to the piano. "She looks beautiful, doesn't she?" He asked as he rubbed her shoulders, revolver pressed against her temple.

Her fingers hit the wrong keys and she released a fearful whimper. But Jos let go of her, instead turning his attention to Charles. "Do you want to see her with the barrel of my gun in her mouth, Charles?"

In seconds, Charles was on his feet, desperately trying to get to her.

And then, Jos pulled the trigger.

He tutted as he looked down at her. "Lucky girl," he said as he grabbed her chin and forced her to turn her head, forcing her to look at Charles.

The fear in his eyes, it was something she'd never forget. "Seems like he cares about you, pretty thing," he said and squeezed her cheeks. But then he let go of her and stepped back. "Go on, go to him."

She stood from the piano bench and ran towards Charles. He stepped towards her and pulled her into his arms. "I've got you," he said, wrapped his arms around her, pulling her head against his chest. She shook against him and Charles had no idea how he was so still.

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "I'm gonna get you out of this," he whispered, never taking his eyes off of Jos.

When one of the piano keys was hit, she jumped and Charles just squeezed him tighter. "Come on, pretty thing," Jos called. "Back to your piano."

But still, she couldn't let Charles go. "Hey," he whispered, hand under her chin to tip her face towards him. "It's gonna be okay. Just do what he says." And I'll get you out of this. But that bit went unsaid.

She nodded, and Charles fixed the straps of her dress. As she sat back at the piano and began playing, Charles sat down, and Jos sat opposite him. "So," he said, placing the revolver down. "Shall we begin?"

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[its-your-mind]

JESTER AND CALEB AND CADUCEUS. WALKING INTO A ROOM AFTER A REGRETFUL FLOATING HOT BOI AND DESTROYING ALL HIS EXPECTATIONS.

Jester just. Fuckin. Brushed past everything that Essek confessed to. Yeah. Okay. You did some bad shit but you’re trying to stop it now right? More importantly, are you still our friend?

the fact that Essek gave away two of his nations’ precious religious artifacts that house the souls of his people, and in doing so started a war that cost thousands of lives? whatever. water under the bridge. make some babies or something to balance the scales. Jester’s decided that she likes you, and there’s fuck-all you can do about that.

And Caleb, who Essek has ALREADY formed a connection with over their shared passion for the arcane. They’ve spent time in study together, Essek teaching Caleb the dunamantic spells he created himself, and Caleb showing Essek the spellwork he’s been working on, asking him for help to finish it.

Caleb, who gets down on his knees in front of Essek and looks into his eyes and tells him that he sees him, that he understands him, that he’s been where he is, that these people changed him too.

And then Caduceus, more insightful than anyone Essek’s ever met, with the moral code forged in steel. Essek’s seen Cad look at people and read them like their deepest thoughts are written across their face, and he just… tells Essek that he’s a good person. I’d bet no one has ever told Essek before that he’s good. Not powerful, not brilliant, not a prodigy, just… good.