#hospital schmospital

[release-the-hound]

Look at me. In the eyes. Lookatmeintheeyes. You're gonna train your dog to be comfortable in kennels. You're gonna teach them to tolerate strangers. You will do this for me. Because your dog will get sick. And it will go to the vet. And I will have to interact with your dog. And if it howls for twelve hours straight and tries to eat me whenever I touch it. Well I'll still be nice to it. But I would prefer if it was kennel trained at the very least.

[13lizardsinatrenchcoat]

One of my coworkers has walked in at 7PM every shift with a Starbucks in her hand since the day I met her. Tonight her drink is from Second Cup.

[release-the-hound]

I keep this information in a written document on my phone!! I recommend other people do this too because it's a lot of information to remember especially if you have more than one pet.

Information to know about your pet… before you visit the vet:

- What kind of food does your pet eat? Include the brand name and flavor, as well as the amount fed and how often they eat. Remember that “one scoop” doesn’t mean much, so be sure to quantify it in cups, etc. before your next visit. Don’t forget to mention treats, or any recent diet changes!

- What medications, if any, does your pet take? Please know the drug name, dosage, and frequency, as well as how long they’ve been on it. Preventatives count as meds too! Different brands protect against different parasites, so be sure to know which your pet takes.

- Is your pet ever exposed to other animals? This includes animals in the home, at the dog park, groomers, daycare, boarding, and play dates with neighbors or friends. When was their most recent exposure?

- Is your pet up to date on vaccines? Which ones? Just the core vaccines (rabies and DHPP for dogs/FVRCP for cats), or non-core such as lepto, influenza, Bordetella, and/or feline leukemia as well? If not up to date, did they ever receive any vaccines in the past, and when?

- Does your pet have any relevant medical history? Please disclose any previous illnesses or surgeries you are aware of to your vet team.

- What is your pet’s spay/neuter status? Different reproductive diseases affect intact and altered animals. If you’re unsure, just let us know!

- Has your pet traveled recently? This includes everything from trips out of the country to a day drive across town for a swim at the lake. Certain toxins and diseases are more prevalent in different environments.

- Is your pet nervous or aggressive? There’s no shame in this! Please let us know for our safety and your pet’s.

Remember that not all vet visits are planned, so be sure to learn this information ahead of time. I hope this helps better equip you to advocate for your pet!

Fellow vet professionals, feel free to add on!

[skeletboi]

Part 11 of the Intridimensional AU!

New to this? Start here!

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_________________________________________

Fiddleford opened the door to see Ford half-dragging Stan towards the house.

“Lemme help ya, Ford, those stairs are gonna be a doozy.” He said, making his way towards them.

“We got it. I feel like I would crush you if I fell over.” Stan responded before Ford could say anything.

“Hey now, I'm a lot stronger than I look.” Fiddleford said with a bright smile.

“It's true.” Ford added. “He's like an ant, I've seen him carry things ten times his size without even breaking a sweat.”

“Smart, strong, and a southern accent? Where did you find him? College? Maybe I should go to college.” Stan said, half to himself.

Ford let up his grip on Stan, nearly knocking him over.

“Right, right! No hitting on the assistant.” Stan mumbled as he attempted to catch his balance.

Fiddleford chuckled as helped them up the stairs.

“Ya never told me he was a charmer, Ford.” He said as they made it to the door.

“That's because he isn't.” Ford deadpanned.

Stan opened his mouth to respond, but forgot what he was going to say as they entered the house.

“Damn. This is exactly what I should have expected.” He said as the other two helped him sit on a nearby chair.

“What's that supposed to mean?” Ford said, at the same time Fiddleford said “That's ‘zactly what I said when I came here!”

Ford and Fiddleford looked at eachother and Stan laughed.

“Anyways, lemme get a look at yer injuries. Ford told me he tried ta patch ya up, but I've seen his work, and I ain't impressed.” Fiddleford said, grabbing a nearby first aid kit and putting on a pair of rubber gloves.

“Hey!” Ford said, defensively.

“Ya know what I mean, Stanford. Go fetch me some of that magic goop yer always usin’.”

Ford frowned, but left to go find said ‘magic goop’.

“Damn, he never would of listened to me if I said that. He really does like you.” Stan mumbled.

Fiddleford ignored that, but Stan didn't miss the way his cheeks reddened.

“I'd really rather you'd go to a hospital, friend. This really ain't lookin’ good.” He said instead.

“Yeah, yeah. Hospital-schmospital. What are we going to tell them? We were just fucking around and I lost my leg and got a bullet in the arm?”

“Bullet in yer arm? I thought it was jus’ the leg.” Fiddleford said with a frown as he looked up at Stan.

“It was just the leg when Ford found me, but then we got shot at near the border of Arizona.” Stan explained.

“You-” Fiddleford started, then sighed. “Does catastrophe run in the family?”

“Yes.” Ford and Stan said at the same time as Ford reentered the room.

Fiddleford huffed out a laugh.

“Well, least I know what to expect, then.”

“That makes one of us.” Ford mumbled handing a small unmarked container to Fiddleford.

Fiddleford put it to the side and started to unwrap the gauze on Stan's leg.

“Take yer jacket off, I gotta check on that bullet wound, too.” He said.

Stan did as he was told and watched with mild interest as Fiddleford finished removing the gauze.

“Darnit, Stanford. All them PhDs and not a single one of ‘em in medicine.” He mumbled as he opened the unmarked container.

“I had better things to do.” Ford responded.

“Doncha always.” Fiddleford mumbled, and Stan didn't miss the fondness in his tone.

Fiddleford took some of the substance from the container and made to put it on the wound when Stan stopped him.

“Wait, wait! What the hell is that shit?” He asked, put off by the substance's eerie glow.

“That's quite interesting, actually!” Ford said, his face lighting up. “It's a healing potion I received from a forest nymph after they found me passed out in the woods a few years ago!”

Stan frowned, but nodded to Fiddleford, letting him know he could apply it. Fiddleford did so, and Stan let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

“What the fuck, Ford?! That shit is amazing! Why didn’t you bring it to New Mexico?!” Stan said, looking from his leg to Ford.

“Oh, right. I wasn't sure if I should bring it on the plane, it emits a small amount of radiation that has the potential to mess with certain radio signals.” Ford explained.

Stan glared at him.

“It's perfectly safe! I've used it dozens of times!”

“That doesn't make it safe, Stanford!” Stan responded, nonplussed.

“That's what I'm always sayin’, but stubbornness also runs in the family, I reckon.” Fiddleford said.

“Fiddleford refuses to use it, but I find it quite helpful.” Ford said.

“Whatever.” Stan said with a sigh. “It's probably just as bad as any other substance I've used, so it doesn't really matter. At least it works.”

“That's the spirit! Now lemme get a look at yer arm.” Fiddleford said, moving to Stan's side to start unwrapping the gauze there.

“That one isn't too bad, probably doesn't need radioactive magic goop.” Stan said.

“Ain't too bad?! I reckon the bullet is still in yer arm, Stanley!” Fiddleford said, moving Stan's arm this way and that as he looked for an exit wound.

“Probably, but I doubt those assholes are smart enough to poison their bullets, so it's fine. I’ve had a bullet in my thigh for a few years now and I barely notice it anymore.” Stan said.

“Jesus fuck, Stanley.” Ford mumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Language, Stanford.” Fiddleford responded.

“Language?! Stan hasn't said a single sentence without a swear word since we arrived!” Ford said, sounding a bit like a petulant child.

“He's missin’ a leg, Stanford. That’s a purdy good excuse.” Fiddleford replied.

Ford frowned, but didn't bother arguing.

“Lemme go grab the smaller magnet gun prototype, I betcha I can remove it that way.” Fiddleford said, standing up and removing his rubber gloves.

“That sounds fucking awful.” Stan replied.

“It's either the magnet gun or tweezer and a scalpel. Your choice.” Ford said.

“Right, nerd magic it is.” Stan sighed.

Fiddleford huffed out a laugh and left to grab the magnet gun.

“So he's cute.” Stan said when Fiddleford's footsteps faded.

“Fuck you.” Ford said, burying his face in his hands as Stan laughed.

“Ya know, married or not, I'm pretty damn sure he has a crush on you, too.” Stan said as his laughter died down.

“That doesn't matter, Stanley. I told you he would be moving back to Palo Alto soon enough.” Ford said, dropping his hands from his face with a sigh.

“All grown up and becoming a homewrecker, who coulda guessed.” Stan mused.

“I swear to god, Stanley…” Ford started, but stopped when he heard Fiddleford's footsteps down the hall.

Stan smiled innocently as Fiddleford rounded the corner.

“I was gone for one whole minute and y'all already fightin’?” Fiddleford asked.

“Not fighting, really, just disagreeing.” Ford said, sounding tired.

“Well, close ‘nough. Now looky here, I got the magnet gun, but I also brought my blueprints for a robit leg. I'll hafta take some measurements, but I think I was purdy darn close already.” Fiddleford said, setting the magnet gun down on a nearby shelf and handing the blueprints over to Stan.

Stan unfolded the paper and grinned.

“Peg leg! Hell yeah! How did you know?!” He asked, squinting at the design.

“Yer brother told me you'd prefer that over my usual designs.” Fiddleford said, putting on a new pair of gloves.

Stan glanced over at Ford, who was staring at the far wall and pretending not to listen. He shook his head and smiled as a warmth bloomed in his chest, but turned his attention back to Fiddleford when he heard a low hum.

“This is gonna hurt, but it'll only take ‘bout a second.” Fiddleford said, gently taking Stan's arm and holding up the magnet gun.

Stan nodded, setting down the blueprints and clenching his fist. He motioned for Fiddleford to continue.

Fiddleford looked a bit like he was about to pass out, but his hands were steady as he lined the magnet gun up with the bullet wound.

There was a click, a whirring sound, and a shot of white-hot pain, then it was over.

“That wasn't so bad.” Stan said, but the pain in his voice said otherwise.

“Sorry, Stanley. I jus’ gotta clean it up a bit then we can use more that magic goop.” Fiddleford said.

He sounded so genuinely apologetic that Stan was sure he could hear a layer of ice crack around his heart.

“No worries, Fidds! You can always kiss it to make it better!” He replied with a laugh.

“Stanley!” Ford said, his voice cracking.

Fiddleford just laughed it off and started the process of cleaning around the wound.

Stan used his free hand to pick up the blueprints again, looking over them carefully as Fiddleford worked. He glanced up at Ford when he felt eyes on him and motioned for Ford to join him when he saw the curious look on his face. Ford obliged and stepped behind Stan to look over his shoulder at the blueprints.

“Impressive as always, Fiddleford.” Ford said, and Stan didn't miss the way Fiddleford's hands stilled for a moment at the compliment.

“Thank ya, Ford. I'll prolly have a prototype by tomorra that we can try out.” Fiddleford replied with a nervous smile.

It took all of Stan’s willpower not to roll his eyes.

Running from gangsters might actually be less painful than dealing with the unresolved tension between these nerds. He thought idly, but he couldn't deny that he felt more at home here than he had in years.

___________________________________________

Oh, these boys. I love them.

That's all I got.

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Also on ao3! Here!

[release-the-hound]

I don't want to go to work can you all just pinkie promise none of your pets will develop medical issues for the next 12 ish hours so I can sleep in?

[release-the-hound]

Artistic rendition of the Little White Dog I just stuffed full of charcoal.

[release-the-hound]

I once had a very sleepy vet try to find a layman's word for purulent to use in his take-home notes for the owners. You'll never guess what he went with.

:)

friendly advice from vetmed: I know that when your animal has an infection that is generating a lot of discharge, you want to describe that to the veterinarian, because it’s a concerning sign. that is true. I also know that the most common word for this type of discharge is “pus,” so it’s logical that that’s the word that you’ll use when describing what’s going on. and in English, we often add a “-y” when we’re using a word as a descriptor.

but. the word. the word you are looking for. is purulent.

please stop sending in messages telling the doctor that your dog has a “pussy wound.”

[release-the-hound]

Hello everyone! Your Halloween candy goes in a cupboard out of reach of your dog.

Promise me? Do you promise? Do you really promise? Will your children promise too?

I will be sad if I spend this next week cleaning up chocolate filled puke. Please don't make me sad. 🥺

Whim, the Most Wonderful Wizard will give you good luck if you don't let your pets eat candy!!!

[release-the-hound]

It's always so funny when I centrifuge blood for a lipase test and the fat is just floating there visible to the naked eye. I'll still run the test for you doc, but this plasma looks like strawberry cream cheese, so we both know what the result is gonna be.

[release-the-hound]

A lot of my coworkers sing the praises of ChatGPT and it does make me think less of them. Like you can't even write your own cover letter about why you're a good fit for a job? Maybe you're not a good fit for the job then lol.

ALSO DISCHARGE INSTRUCTIONS?????? if i found out my vet was using chat gpt to write discharge instructions instead of the Knowledge from their Brain I would not go back to that vet lol. Yeah obvs they edit it for accuracy but still.

[release-the-hound]

This close 🤏 to asking my manager if I can come in at 9pm instead of 7pm. I dont have any valid reason for it though. I just don't wanna leave her yet.

[release-the-hound]

I think in addition to stuff like sick coverage and night shift pay my workplace should have trauma bonuses. That's where if enough of your coworkers agree that a case was sufficiently emotionally devastating or physically brutal, everyone who worked on it gets bonus $.

I just think I should get like. At least a coffee shop gift card for some of the stuff I deal with and the lasting damage it inflicts on my psyche.

[release-the-hound]

I think drug-testing humans is generally unecessary and dehumanizing and part of a larger issue surrounding criminalization etc.

Drug testing dogs is always very funny. Where'd you get that cocaine, young man? You are 5 years old!

[release-the-hound]

The new RVT said I seem like the most confident and knowledgeable assistant at the clinic? Hello?????

[release-the-hound]

Leaving a critical patient at then end of my shift is so hard. You'd better still be here when I come back tonight or so help me!!!

[release-the-hound]

Who ever popularized memorial nose prints I just wanna talk. I'm sorry but they're so much nastier to make than pawprints 🤐