#horrors be upon ye and merry crisis

[tiodolma]

the horrors did not survive him.

[notquitecanon]

Christmas Vacation // Spencer Reid x Reader

a little blurb about the reality of big family Christmas that was heavily inspired by National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. 

TW: drug mention

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

____________

You pressed your back against the bedroom door, closing your eyes and taking a calming breath as you prayed to anything out there that your mother would give it a rest. Leaning against the door, you savored the few moments of relative quiet (you could still hear the loud political discussion your uncles were having- both extreme conservatives with all their facts from facebook, your mother and siblings in the kitchen gossiping, and your younger cousins loudly playing edgy music to cover up the Christmas music from downstairs.) You were really beginning to regret coming home for “big, old fashioned, family Christmas”.

“You’re hiding to you?” You heard a familiar voice ask, startling you. Yelping a bit, your eyes shot open to find your boyfriend, Dr. Spencer Reid lurking in your childhood bedroom by your bookcase. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.”

You smiled, crossing the room and collapsing on your old twin sized mattress that you two were sharing for the weekend. The good doctor copied you, flopping down beside you as you sighed, “Yep. My grandmother is convinced that I’m pregnant, and won’t stop giving me advice on a shotgun wedding.”

“W-wait... are..?” Spencer stuttered, leaning upon his elbow to gape at you. Chuckling, you shook your head no, watching his sigh of relief. You were certain you wanted to spend your life with him- but children weren’t on the schedule just yet. 

“Why are you hiding?” You asked, lacing your fingers through his. He squeezed your hand. 

“The Christmas sweater your great-aunt knitted was giving me a heat rash. And your uncle was asking me how much information the FBI had on him- and was asking me to delete it.” He admitted, smiling as he watched you laugh. 

“And a very Merry Christmas from the (Y/L/N) family.” You joked, sitting up. “I’m sorry I dragged you out here for this.”

Spencer followed your movements, “No! I wanted to come. This is your family, this is you! Besides, I very excited for your Aunt’s banana pineapple surprise that seemed to be defying gravity.”

“We’re going to need a vacation from this vacation.” You complained, ignoring his joke about the disgusting casserole waiting downstairs, leaning in so your head tucked onto his shoulder. He chuckled, kissing the top of your head. 

“Besides, tomorrow we fly out to see my mom. So we’ll have a little more alone time.” He promised, rubbing your back. You smiled, pulling back so Spencer could see the mischevious glint in your eyes before getting up and locking the door. 

“Alone time sounds perfect right now.” You winked, crawling back onto the twin bed, it was so small that it didn’t take much effort to be on top of him. He was nodding, already a blushing mess as you leaned down to kiss him. Just as your lips brushed his, something beat against your window. 

“You two better not be making grandkids in there! I’m too young to be a grandfather!” 

In horror, you looked up to see your dad perched on a ladder, a string of Christmas lights in hand. Now your cheeks matched Spence’s (who looked like he wanted to wither away in embarrassment), as you stumbled off your boyfriend. 

“Dad! I’m a grown woman! Besides what are you doing out there!” You hissed, Spencer quickly getting off your bed as well to fix his clothes, and slip the sweltering Christmas sweater on- effectively killing any mood that hadn’t already been killed by your father. 

“Dave across the road put up those reindeer. I will not be outdone by a man who doesn’t even own a leaf blower.” He vowed, shimmying down the latter the angrily staple Christmas lights. You shook your head and threw another hopeless look at your boyfriend, who was already sweating in his knitted apparel. With a forced smile, you tried to be optimistic.

“Well, we haven’t set anything on fire yet, so this is still a success.” 

Later that night, after the tree had been completely put out (it had been a rather unfortunate situation involving hairspray and a cigarette), at Christmas dinner, it was you who wanted to crawl into a hole and die. 

Your father has just cut into a turkey that looked drier than the Sahara, your aunt was a bottle of wine in and scooping a generous helping of Banana Pineapple Surprise onto Spencer’s plate, your mother was quietly scolding you about the neckline of your shirt, and your uncles were complaining about the players that had kneeled at the Superbowl. You had a tight hold on Spencer’s hand under the table, hoping that he would be your lifeline to sanity as your cousin’s rambled in. 

The group of teenagers smelled heavily of pot as they slumped into their chair, all chuckling about something. You decided to ignore this, as you felt you needed some sort of drink or drug to get through the night as well. When your great aunt blessed the food with a startling rendition of God Save the Queen, you thought that would be the worst of it. 

You were wrong. 

So much was happening at once. Your uncles had moved onto to “the gender crisis” and “the war on Christmas”. Your mother was complaining about you not spending Christmas day with them. The weed-ridden cousins were laughing at a video on one of their phones while your drunk aunt loudly announced the latest in her divorce lawsuit. It was when your grandmother asked Spencer about his virility that you decided to put an end to it. 

“Alright, that’s enough!” You began loudly, drawing everyone’s attention, “Uncle Mike, Uncle Hank- stop talking politics until you actually start watching the news. Aunt Tanya, your husband was cheating on you- get a better lawyer. Mom, we already have plane tickets and we’re going to go see Spencer’s mother tomorrow, end of discussion. Grandma, I love you, but I’m not pregnant and don’t plan to be a long time.” You paused before pointing to the teenagers who were wide-eyed at your display (one of them was holding up a camera and you swore if you saw your mental breakdown on tik tok you’d kill one of them), “And you three! Are you serious? Could you not wait for the ACTUAL FBI AGENT to leave before you went out and rolled a blunt? For the love of God and Christmas, can we act like we’ve got some sense in this household? I’d rather my family not scare off my boyfriend.” 

You paused to take a breath and a sip of the wine by your plate, “Hallelujah, Holy Shit!” 

Already leaving your place at the table, you pinched the bridge of your nose, “Where’s the Tylenol?” 

As you left the dining room you could hear their murmurs, and you already felt guilty for unloading all of that- but also fairly relieved. After a quick breather in your bathroom (and two Tylenol swallowed), you decided it was time to rejoin your family. Knowing them, they’ll probably act like nothing even happened. You thought as you shook your head, Poor Spence, I left him down there to fend for himself. 

To your surprise, Spencer was just outside the bathroom door hand held up like he was just about to knock and your glass of wine in the other, “Hey, sweetheart, you ok?”

You suppressed a laugh, he only called you pet names when he thought you were really upset. You leaned up and kissed his cheek, “I’m fine. Really. It’s not Christmas if at least one family member has a come apart at the table.”

He sighed in relief, “It was pretty awkward for a second. Then your cousins all gave me ridiculous excuses about the pot smell. And then it was back to normal.”

“Sounds about right, but we still haven’t had to call an emergency service yet, so I’m still counting it as a win. My crazy family hasn’t scared you off yet, has it?” You asked, wrapping your arms around his waist after gratefully taking the red wine out of his hand. Feeling his head shake as his arms wrapped around you, you listened to his words as they vibrated his chest. 

“I spent Christmas with Derek and his family one year, and in the same year spent New Years with Garcia. Your family doesn’t even top my list.” Spencer assured you, “Also did you know that emergency calls spike by 47% in the period between December 23 and Jan 2- within that 47%, 1/2 are alcohol-related, 1/4 are house fires caused by holiday decorations, and 1/4 are domestic disputes between family members.”

You laughed aloud that time, it’s not a Spencer Reid Christmas without some random inane fact. You thought as you looked up to him. “Maybe we won’t be in that 47% this ye-”

You were interrupted by a sharp scream, a lot of yelling, and the easily identified voice of your aunt screaming, “Quick, someone call 911!”

“And nevermind.” You sighed, already moving to run downstairs, but pausing at the doorway, “Hey, Spence...”

He was right behind you, staring at you quizzically as the noise of chaos floated up from downstairs. Your family was hectic, but you wouldn’t have it any other way- and Spencer was in the middle of it all, taking it in stride. 

“Merry Christmas, I love you.”

__________________

This is bad but honestly, this is how 90% of my holiday goes. I wish Spencer was around to witness the chaos. 

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

8 of the greatest internet trolls of all time

It's Troll Week on Mashable. Join us as we explore the good, the bad, and the ugly of internet trolling.

The internet is full of trolls — but there's a special breed of troll that has garnered a reputation for being the best in the game.

Whether it's on YouTube, Twitter, or in the dreaded comment sections, these masters know how to play the game. In honor of these great heroes, take a look at eight of the best trolls, who are out there doing the internet a great service by just being themselves.

SEE ALSO: The artist behind the 'Awards for Good Boys' Instagram isn't afraid to piss off her trolls

1. DM Pranks

DM Pranks is one of the most popular channels in the YouTube prank community. It was created by Matteo Moroni and Diego Dolciami, and they pretty much go around scaring the living crap out of people.

The duo are typically dressed up as scary clowns or horror movie icons like Freddy Krueger or Michael Myers. They stage a prank that involves a fake dead body, and when someone stumbles upon it and sees the pranksters, Moroni or Dolciami will charge at them holding a weapon in their hand to scare them off.

Their videos went viral because of their elaborate setups and extreme realism. And, it's no joke. These trolls are the scariest out there, but with almost five million subscribers, it's safe to say they've really tapped into an audience. 

2. Lee Dawson

Lee Dawson is a popular figure in the RuPaul's Drag Race community who makes parody videos of episodes from the show's various seasons. His "RuCaps," as he calls them, take memes, vines, and other iconic moments in pop culture and effortlessly intertwine them with a given episode of Drag Race.

This amazing combination leads to full 20-minute videos of tomfoolery, and it works flawlessly with a medium like Drag Race.

3. Trisha Patyas

Trisha Patyas has been trolling her internet audience since the early 2010s. This YouTube star has captured the hearts of over 4.5 million subscribers with her overdramatic and hilariously shallow personality. 

It's her delivery that makes her such an iconic troll. If she said she was being stalked by a vampire or had been turned into a fly at the age of six, you'd have no choice but to believe her.

To go along with her videos, she also has quite the trolly Twitter page. She claims she's a reptilian and is also dating Jake Paul. We believe you, Trisha.

I'm reptilian

— Trisha Paytas (@trishapaytas) July 10, 2017

I love supporting my boyfriend @jakepaul 😎 #jakepauler4life #JakePaulisOverCauseHesUnderMyPussyRightNow pic.twitter.com/m1C561IuOR

— Trisha Paytas (@trishapaytas) August 25, 2017

4. Christine Sydelko

Christine Sydelko is a gift from Vine that keeps on giving. Even after the popular social media platform went under, Sydelko retains a strong following of over 1 million subscribers on YouTube.

A popular Vine that showcases her excellent trolling skills involved her recording a wild party at "Bible Study," where she sings "Kumbaya," all while zooming in on someone doing a line of cocaine. 

Sydelko's Christmas Vine was also pretty iconic. In the video, she recorded herself going around saying "Merry Christmas" to random strangers in the most absurd ways possible. Her attempts include: "Merry Crisis," "Merry Crimas," and the legendary phrase, "Merry Chrysler." Sydelko is truly a genius.

I’m the Mariah Carey of the internet: only relevant on Christmas

— Christine Sydelko (@csydelko) December 26, 2017

5. Lovingkiara

Twitter user @lovingkiara became a legend among trolls this past year when she promised to draw people in different cartoon styles. She uploaded a tweet that supposedly depicted her artistic capabilities, and to be fair, it looked somewhat legit.

Okay so I wanna draw people avi too so retweet and I gotchu ☺️ pic.twitter.com/ge0JUCCxc4

— 💋 (@lovingkiaraa) June 27, 2018

But once she started getting requests, it turned out she wasn't as great as she claimed to be. The fruits of her labor may have been completely rotten, but they were still incredibly funny.

While she may not excel at drawing, she is very gifted in the art of trolling.

@hooper4_life pic.twitter.com/ZTViKp9qTK

— 𝑘𝑖𝑎𝑟𝑎 🍒 (@lovingkiaraa) June 27, 2018

@KechiXOXO pic.twitter.com/8FwM7B0PpC

— 𝑘𝑖𝑎𝑟𝑎 🍒 (@lovingkiaraa) June 27, 2018

@_Teli13 pic.twitter.com/ZqcS31qVTs

— 𝑘𝑖𝑎𝑟𝑎 🍒 (@lovingkiaraa) June 27, 2018

@kaylee_symone pic.twitter.com/jG1RaNNSs6

— 𝑘𝑖𝑎𝑟𝑎 🍒 (@lovingkiaraa) June 27, 2018

6. Anne Harrison 

Anne Harrison is a budding troll genius. Harrison claims to be a married 30-year-old Christian woman who has three kids and wants you to worship her feet. She also thinks Madonna is a hag.

This account features some of the most bizarre troll tweets ever. Some highlights include her almost choking on a mint because "it was TOO spicy," and her retweeting an image of two gay men getting married and asking where the bride was.

I nearly choked eating a mint it was TOO spicy

— Anne Harrison (@AnneHarrisonMom) October 6, 2018

These groom and best man pics are so lovely, where’s the beautiful bride pics? https://t.co/e9OEgLapC3

— Anne Harrison (@AnneHarrisonMom) September 15, 2018

I was sent this, what app are my children on? pic.twitter.com/JO2H7pzzLU

— Anne Harrison (@AnneHarrisonMom) October 6, 2018

@AnneHarrisonMom legend made it to Variety news pic.twitter.com/sdco8McUJ1

— asib out now (@freemymindn) October 3, 2018

7. KT Nelson

KT Nelson is always on his trolliing A-game and manages to get tons of retweets and likes on almost all of his shitposts.

Some highlights include him making fun of "young" Republicans and his iconic take on the "I am your father scene" from Star Wars. We can all take a lesson from this professional troll.

ah, youth pic.twitter.com/tIYIzgzNyB

— KT NELSON (@KrangTNelson) July 12, 2017

pic.twitter.com/ZWhqw2LOzc

— KT NELSON (@KrangTNelson) September 7, 2017

[in the court of the samurai] MASTER: you have failed your mission and brought shame to our order ME: yes MASTER: you know what you must do now. the only honorable thing ME: *smiling* MASTER (sighing in exasperation): don’t jump in front of the weinermobile

— KT NELSON (@KrangTNelson) October 9, 2018

🚨 VOTING ALERT 🚨 MIDTERM ELECTIONS THIS NOV IF YOU’RE - A FIRST TIME VOTER: VOTE - A NON-VOTER: VOTE - BUSY THAT DAY: VOTE - UNDER 18: VOTE - A CITIZEN OF CANADA: VOTE - A MEMBER OF ANTIFISIS, THE ANTIFA/ISIS COMBO GROUP: VOTE - NOTORIOUS SERIAL KILLER THE SON OF S

— KT NELSON (@KrangTNelson) October 10, 2018

8. Ken M

Ken M is an infamous internet troll that has fearlessly, and hilariously, wrecked almost every comment page he comes across. The power that this guy holds is nothing short of spectacular. 

Ken M typically plays the role of an idiotic commenter who leaves the most ridiculous responses on Yahoo articles, Facebook brand pages, and other random places on the internet. If there's a comment section, trust and believe this man will make his mark on it. 

Ken M has entire Reddit threads and pages dedicated to his craft. He is a legend and very few will ever be able to reach his level.

Ken M on 2D Movies #trolling #troll pic.twitter.com/hhOgYlJohh

— Sluts and Guts (@slutsnguts) September 3, 2018

Ken M on asking questions #trolling #troll pic.twitter.com/B8QU6oOqvX

— Sluts and Guts (@slutsnguts) September 3, 2018

Ken M on hot days #trolling #troll pic.twitter.com/IEqFOXNcuG

— Sluts and Guts (@slutsnguts) August 21, 2018

WATCH: Tim Cook trolled us with a tweet before the Apple keynote

[silviajburke]

The Surprising History of Market Shocks

This post The Surprising History of Market Shocks appeared first on Daily Reckoning.

The Federal Reserve has unleashed Pavlov’s dogs upon Wall Street…

Investors buy in the expectation that the Federal Reserve will sally to the rescue whenever stocks take fright.

The buying spree lifts the market — even if the Fed had no intention of intervening.

The point is years of conditioning have trained investors to expect intervention.

And through their salivating stock purchases… they conduct their own intervention.

The Fed has conditioned them well.

Markets never transacted business in this fashion until the Fed enthroned itself savior after 2008.

Bad news was in fact bad news. And markets took the news at face value — badly.

That is the viewpoint in current circulation: Pre-2008 markets were acutely sensitive to quakes.

Because of the Fed, today’s are not.

But is it necessarily true?

We introduced you to James Altucher yesterday. James once ran a fascinating study…

He ransacked history from the beginning of WWII to the seismic events of Sept. 11, 2001.

His purpose: to study the impact of potentially systemic shocks on markets.

James identified 10 potential haymakers that could have flattened markets for the count.

The most conspicuous among them:

The beginning of WWII (Sept. 1, 1939)… Pearl Harbor (ask someone if you must)… The Cuban missile crisis (Oct. 22, 1962)… Sept. 11 itself.

James recorded the S&P’s antics the day before the shock… the day after… and its panicked low the week following the event.

He then examined the S&P one week later, one month later and six months later.

His conclusion?

“Each time, the market has absorbed the shock and moved past the event.”

When the Germans invaded Poland to lift the curtain on WWII — not the average day, and by a long chalk at that — the market acted like it was just another day.

The S&P slipped a bit, and found a shallow bottom just days after.

It then settled on higher footings for the next six months, according to James… as if Herr Hitler’s soldaten were mere tourists taking the pleasant sights of Europe.

Why weren’t markets in headlong retreat along with Western Europe? Didn’t they know?

The Fed wasn’t in the business of propping stocks in those days. So the answer must lie elsewhere.

It’s true that market reaction to Pearl Harbor was more pronounced.

The S&P went lower into January ’42. But it rediscovered its fighting elan shortly thereafter.

And the S&P opened every year higher than the last until 1946.

Of course, comes the objection: Stocks naturally rose on the prospects of ultimate victory.

Yes, but the S&P had stabilized in January ‘42 as U.S forces were getting licked by the Japanese.

American fortunes only changed after the Battle of Midway in June ’42… after the S&P had already turned.

What of the Cuban missile crisis?

The world was never closer to the brink. But after a brief stagger, the S&P went trotting ahead, merry as a grig.

“What is most interesting is the ferocity with which the market rallied in only a few months,” said James.

Apparently, the specter of nuclear oblivion — a sword of Damocles hovering over markets for the next 30 years — was never the bugaboo many feared.

James:

The party started in 1962 and continued for the next seven years, resulting in the biggest bull market in history until the 1990s.

Ah, yes, but Sept. 11, 2001…

The date itself makes an icicle of our spine.

Markets were closed one full week after the horrors. And traded down heavily upon opening.

But one month later, the S&P was just 15 points off its Sept. 10 closing.

And just six months afterward, the S&P was 73 points higher than its Sept. 10 closing.

Many suspected the silent hand of the Plunge Protection Team when stocks miraculously recovered once the market reopened.

But it doesn’t explain the next six months — a period during which Enron collapsed, incidentally.

James’ study ended before 2008, so the financial crisis didn’t come under his bifocals.

We know of course the S&P has trended in an upward channel since 2010 — more or less.

It’s likely the Fed’s cosmic money printing since the 2008 financial crisis likely negates any comparison to pre-crisis events.

It is indeed a new world… brave or not.

But the long sweep of history indicates markets bend in a resilient arc.

And the shocks prove less shocking than feared, if James is right:

The nation has nevertheless undergone shocks to the system that we have survived, and will continue to survive.

We can’t challenge the first point. We’re consoled by the second.

But nature has not gifted us with an optimistic spirit.

And given the size of the current bubble, we can’t put away the suspicion that the system might not survive the next shock.

Of course, we said the same thing in 2008. And 2001. And…

Regards,

Brian Maher Managing editor, The Daily Reckoning

The post The Surprising History of Market Shocks appeared first on Daily Reckoning.

[tiodolma]

fixin' problems -merlin style

w/ @wandrenowle XD

this post got me thinking though. merlin only reveals that his blade was dragonforged after he stabs her.

[tiodolma]

just_one_glance_took_away_my_breath.jpg

(source under cut lol)

we are terrible hahahhaha with @wandrenowle