#hoping that the meds I'm on can help alleviate the depression and existentialism that comes with being trans | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

actual-corpse · 5 days ago

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Who knew that the stress of a part-time job on top of being a full-time student who either lived with hateful neonazis or was just straight up roughing it would stifle my ability to think about Me?

*I ran out of tag space, y'all.

#trans

#i dont know how else to put it... my ex and his friends are basically neonazis #and I'm mad at myself for falling into that mess through desperation #they're racist. homophobic. transphobic. antisemitic. you name it!#and Im mad that I had to conform to a degree just so I could have a place to live #im mostly mad at myself for putting me there... but... I had to leave one toxic environment and landed in another #my first roommates were pretty nice. but me having bipolar audhd and the girl being fucked up too and BOTH of us untreated really fucked up #but now #i just play video games. do tech work around the house. watch YouTube. sleep. and job hunt #so I can really begin to look at myself #hoping that the meds I'm on can help alleviate the depression and existentialism that comes with being trans #im making plans for my future. secure in the knowledge that it's never too late to transition #the current plan is to wait until my mom's dead (which is still a ways off) and then get going #I'll be 50 by then but #oh well #im fine #when I can become fully independent I can come out socially and even have dedicated binders and clothes and such #there are many ways to be trans! you don't need to medically transition if you don't want to!*#*or it just isn't safe #maybe my mom will become tolerant before I get to 40 but.... who knows. We can only hope #but I do truly love my mother and really dont want to lose her. so I'm fine staying in the closet for now #I can live a double life (I hope.. technically I already am!)#Idk if I'll change my name tho...#My birth name is pretty dope. Nikki is a cool name! but also #I really like 'Hans' and 'Gage' and 'Polibios' (I'll take criticism lol) maybe even 'Gregory' or 'Scott' or idfk 'Louis'?!?#so many choices #but what about my hair?#it's curly and really girly #but I honestly like it!!#I've got some Colonial bullshit going on #a low ponytail and some long fringe with waves... How some people draw Human!Hancock

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