#hopefully you don't mind this essay op 😂

[aspec-of-dust]

As an aroace in her 30s with a corporate office job, I feel this. There's so much small talk that happens around relationships and having children. Here are some strategies I recommend for navigating these kinds of conversations:

1. When someone asks "what's new with you" or "how's life treating you" (particularly at a family-type gathering where they might be trying to sus out if you're dating), I generally answer with "Things are going well! Work's been good and I'm keeping busy" (you can just stick with "keeping busy" if you don't want to share details about work).

I also try to share details about my hobbies, particularly with coworkers or peers: "Things are going well, my trivia team has been on a roll the last couple of weeks, we've been killing our best score;" "Things are good, I've started going for walks everyday and the weather has been so nice;" or even "Things are good, I've been looking for a new hobby. I've been thinking about taking a pottery/art class, but I'm still looking for a good fit. Do you have any recommendations?"

1. a. But Dusty, you keep saying "Things are good," what if this are decidedly Not Good™? Good question! Frankly this is entirely up to you, but when it comes to small talk, you don't owe anyone the actual nitty gritty details of your life, and I personally find setting up small talk with "Things are good" reinforces the idea that your single status is a positive choice and that you're happy with the structure of your life, even if you're not explicitly talking about relationships—especially when talking to people you're not particularly close to.

2. When talking about what you did over the weekend/a holiday/break with coworkers or acquaintances, instead of "I went camping" or "I went to the movies," if I went with other people, I'll rephrase it as "We went camping" or "We went to the movies." As someone who values my platonic relationships and wants to center them in my life, I think this is a subtle way I can do this. Especially since coupled people will often discuss activities they do with their partner as "we." If you don't care about platonic relationships or are simply not interested in giving them that kind of focus, I think this is another opportunity to reinforce your enjoyment of doing things alone. For example, "I had such a great weekend! I went to the movies and then got to play a video game I'd been looking forward to" or "this weekend was so nice! I finally got a chance to catch up on some rest and do some laundry if been putting off." And like, if I didn't do anything exciting, I have no shame in sharing "small" things like this I did alone during small talk.

3. Show enthusiasm about things in your life. This can definitely be a challenge, and in a work setting it can be hard to find the line between too much information and not being too withdrawn, but in general if you can share your interests, talk about your pets and open up a bit to others, they'll generally receive you where you are. Keeping a positive attitude (or a fake it until you make it positive attitude) will provide a sense of confidence in who you are that's easier to engage with.

4. Show interest in other people. Okay so like, this is the flip side of point 3. If you're not super into sharing stuff about yourself, showing interest in other people is a great way to get to know them and build casual relationships (which could become stronger relationships if you want!)

Okay, but Dusty, these are fine, but I'm not really concerned about coworkers, I was mostly thinking about friends—No worries, I got you!

1. If your friend group is only interested in relationships and the future, you might either need to start expanding your friend group or see if your friend group would be interested in trying new things together. Meeting people through hobbies (sign up for an ongoing class, club or sports team that interests you) is a great way to connect with people who have similar interests to you and will give you something to talk and that's not work or relationships.

1.a. Also, your friends might not realize they're doing this, so before cutting anyone out, definitely have a conversation with them to set boundaries like "hey, I'm happy to hear about your date, but I'm not interested in dating, so I'm uncomfortable when you ask me about my dating experience."

2. Most people suck at small talk, sometimes you just need to guide the conversation. Lots of people default to talking about careers and relationships because to them it feels easy and universal. I've found most people are happy to change the subject if you can provide other things to talk about. Basics like tv/movies/sports/weather are good go tos for a reason. But I'd also recommend not being afraid to bring up things that are interesting or important to you.

I think it's totally normal to be bad at small talk and connections in your 20s, especially if you're just leaving school. These things take practice — Plus, I promise, you'll start to care a lot less about what other people think of you by the time you're 30, so even if the pressure feels insurmountable now, it will get easier!

tl;dr: as difficult as it can be, I think the most important thing for small talk and making connections as a non-partnering person is to be your own hype person. I find so often the reason people default to relationships and careers is because it's normalized. So many people are totally happy to talk about other things if you provide other topics to talk about.

Bonus pro-tip: Try not to take it personally when people talk about their relationships. For partnering people, their relationships are important to them and are a big part of their lives! Just make sure you're still taking space to share what's important to you and a big part of your life!

I think that being aroace and not having big life aspirations is making it so hard for me to form connections. All everyone wants to talk about is relationships, or my plans for the future, and i just have nothing to contribute to the conversation. It makes me feel so insecure and like i'm a boring person that has no personality.