#hopefully they will not! but i am kind of inviting bad karma by posting this
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zhongchi - the ship that’s ruining my life
disclaimers:
ship what u want. i cannot stop you. i do not care. be free.
this post is an OPINION and you DO NOT HAVE TO AGREE. if reading about why i dislike zhongchi is going to upset you, maybe give this a pass
i do not dislike childe OR zhongli. i just think their ship is silly.
if you are a zhongchi shipper and you choose to read this anyway, this is not written as a personal attack. i said "zhongchi 😒" one too many times and a non-genshin friend said "why do you hate that ship so much" and then i wrote a manifesto
ive never been involved in real fandom drama and idk how it goes but i would like to remain ignorant and free, pls do not attack me over this i am small and nervous and do not mean any harm
part 0: the ship
"who are they and why does this ship exist?" you might ask, if you've never played genshin. on the surface, this is a simple question with a simple answer. the two characters for this ship are in the same place at the same time and their stories overlap heavily. childe is the big bad of zhongli's story arc. (not that zhongli fights him; you, the player character, fights childe.) so they potentially have enemies to lovers, and they are actually friends before some truths come to light and it's revealed they're on "different sides". childe also pays for things for both you (the player character) and zhongli, which people read as caring. [1]
childe/zhongli is the most popular genshin ship on ao3. there are currently 132,000 works on ao3 for genshin impact and 12,735 of those have the ship tag childe/zhongli. that's only 10% of the all existing works, but the second largest ship tag has only 6,600 works, which is half as many.
relevant as an influencing factor is another popular ship early on in genshin's inception. that other ship was the first two hot male characters to have tension and an overlapping storyline, but they turn out to be "related" and a large part of the fandom collectively dropped them like a hot potato. but these fans were already in the fandom, already playing genshin, and they needed someone to ship. so they collectively jumped over to the SECOND set of two hot male characters with perceived tension and an overlapping storyline, i.e. zhongli and childe. the story containing zhongli and childe is 1) permanent canon content and 2) presented relatively early to the player, so zhongchi as a ship is more accessible than other popular ships that don't show up for 50+ hours [2] of gameplay.
furthermore, neither childe or zhongli have many meaningful interactions with other characters, and both characters were very popular upon launch. their initial popularity caused an epidemic, and a subsequent over-saturation of the ship on ao3. [3]
part 1: the characters
zhongli is a retired ex-god who faked his own death so he could have a break and go play at being human in the most mundane way possible. he's spiritually and emotionally an old man. he watches operas and drinks tea, has very expensive taste but no money, and works the front desk at a funeral parlor. he's thousands of years old and not entirely human (more on that later). [4]
childe is in his 20s and an affable general in the evil army. at 14 childe fell through a hole into genshin hell and lived there for a few months and emerged Changed. he can also turn into a demon now, just as a fun side note. upon getting him back, his parents found him to be a very scary menace and they quickly enrolled him in the military. he is the youngest ever person to be made general in the evil army, but this is less due to him being driven by ambition and more being a violent gremlin who couldn't be controlled and who beat up everyone in his path.
in his spare time, childe gets into unwinnable fights and pushes himself to the limit just so he can feel something. he's utilitarian, having grown up poor, and when you ask about his least favorite food he tells you that being picky about food is a bad thing and you should cut that out. he "has money" but it's not his money, it's his government's money. the budget for his evil task is very, very high, and he uses it for mission things though he tends to be pretty loose about what that includes. his mission budget shouldn't matter, but will unfortunately come up later.
childe is diametrically opposed to zhongli and zhongli's city; or he WOULD be but childe is too friendly and zhongli secretly has a deal with childe's boss, paying them to do the evil thing so he can retire in peace. this is a slight betrayal to childe but when it comes to light he isnt upset at zhongli, he's upset at his coworker for being the literal worst. childe is still seen around fantasy china after he tries to destroy it with a meteor[5], and only the townspeople seem to have any hard feelings. zhongli and childe are not canonically depicted as having any hard feelings.
part 2: "making it work"
past the superficial reasons listed in part 0, zhongchi makes no sense to me as a pairing. zhongli is a boring old man and childe barely seems to consider people anything more than NPCs unless they end up having fighting prowess, in which case he tries to fight them and then (if they don't die) considers them friends.
childe is dynamic, always striving to be better, stronger, faster[6]; childe is an adrenaline addict. zhongli is static and intends to stay that way.
the characters have undergone some personality changes to make them fit together better.
zhongli is part dragon(?) so people give him an obsession for pretty things and a massive possessive streak. since he's "broke", childe becomes a sugar daddy type in many works. zhongli is also almost exclusively on top in sexual situations, because duh, old, powerful dragon. [7]
childe couldn't possibly be in a position of power when he's with a older, more powerful male, so he becomes very submissive and swoon-y and teenage girl. the betrayal hurt him *ever* so deeply and he may never emotionally recover. he canonically has a family whom he loves, so people come down on that hard and say he's a real family man and he wants to have a family of his own and obviously he wants to settle down with zhongli and have zhongli's babies.
:|
part 3: losing sight of canon
the further this ship goes, the further we stray from god. [8]
childe is now super rich and loves paying for other people's things, especially zhongli's (forgetting that the money he has was in fact part of his mission budget). the tag "battlesexual childe" is a sortable tag on ao3, but the zhongchi part of genshin has all but forgotten childe likes to fight. zhongli is now possessive to a borderline abusive degree, and childe likes being tied down (metaphorically) to his dragon husband (did i mention they're frequently and casually married? this is the erasermic[9] of genshin).
another side effect of being auto-married by the fandom is that it pushes the domesticity angle of zhongchi. you know, zhongli, an ex GOD OF WAR who COMMITTED GENOCIDE and a childe, a dude so obsessed with fighting that his own family couldnt handle him and shipped him off to the military at 14. them. domestic. what drugs are you on [10]
part 4: dragons
hey. why did so many people have to latch onto the dragon thing? on a personal note, i do not understand the appeal but have no room to judge. on a cultural note, zhongchi is DOING IT WRONG.
in canon, zhongli's "dragon form" is based off of chinese dragons[11]. which makes sense, since the place he's from, liyue, is modeled after china. genshin impact is created by mihoyo, a chinese company.
what im saying is a chinese company writing a chinese game with a character from fantasy china would NOT make this character a western dragon.
western dragons breathe fire, are very aggressive, collect hoards of gold, and are often depicted as greedy and possessive. eastern dragons not only look different, they're associated with water (rain) rather than fire, they're cultural symbols of prosperity and good luck, and they FOSTER HARMONY. i have exclusively seen zhongli's "dragon personality traits" modeled after western dragons, not eastern ones. like. yeah. i get it. the dragons the english half of the fandom is familiar with are western dragons. maybe they don't even know how eastern, and specifically chinese dragons, are different. but that doesnt make them any less INCORRECT.
and hey! seeing dragon eggpreg content makes me want to die[12]. there’s so much. i wish there was less much. this also further encourages the feminization of childe which is :\ must we keep returning the gender norms to fictional romantic relationships
part 5: the ripple effect
the zhongchi version of childe has escaped containment[13]. im unhappy about it. i always know it when i see it because childe is an insatiable uwu bottom who would rather have sex than have a street fight.
because this ship is so hellaciously popular, other childe ships are relatively rare[14]. anywhere you go, if someone is a fan of zhongli or childe, they probably also ship it. i never want to see another piece of zhongchi fanart again and yet, i soldier on. this is my curse. this is my burden. for childe, i must persevere.
in conclusion,
i dont have a conclusion actually i just hate zhongchi, thanks for coming to my ted talk
[1] those people are incorrect.
[2] i didnt look up this number even a little bit, but i feel in my heart that it is accurate.
[3] "only 10%? and you're calling it an epidemic?" yes. yes i am. "don't you think thats a little harsh?" you haven't seen what ive seen. you haven't suffered what ive suffered.
[4] sorry i know the childe section is like four times as long but i just don’t about zhongli like i do childe.
[5] yes i know it wasnt a meteor but this was written to be read fandom blind and ff7 altered my brain chemistry.
[6] Daft Punk, "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger", 2001
[7] there are, of course, bottom!zhongli works. the name for this ship is "chili" (dont get me started on the top/bottom dynamic wars within the same pairing, we'll be here all day and i will scream until i pass out). it's more difficult to use ao3 numbers to prove my point here, as i find the tagging of top/bottom dynamics on ao3 to be inconsistent. instead, i will use statistics on zerochan.net. at the time of writing, zerochan has 1,765 images tagged with "zhongchi" and 228 images tagged with "chili". (so, ~90% of the childe/zhongli ship on zerochan is marked as zhongchi, i.e. top!zhongli and bottom!childe.) should i be using only a single data point to definitively say that zhongchi is exponentially more popular than chili? no, i should not; that's what we call bad science. but it illustrates the skew in the dynamics and the clear fandom preference, and this is a rant post not a scientific study.
[8] to some degree, inaccurate fanonizations involving popular characters in a large fandom is inevitable. i understand this. i do not accept this.
[9] erasermic (aizawa shouta/yamada hizashi) is a popular fandom auto-married ship from boku no hero academia. im not a fan of erasermic either but at least it's existence hasn't left a permanent stain on the characterizations of either character.
[10] ok so maybe zhongli could do the domesticity thing given that he's working that mundane human angle, though it would take some effort and learning and guidance. but childe? a house husband? lol. lmao.
[11] to be specific, he's half-dragon half-qilin but everyone seems to forget the qilin part. this isn't unreasonable, given that my experience is with the english speaking part of the genshin fandom, and qilin isnt really a thing that shows up in english media. one time i was watching a cdrama with a friend and the subtitles said "he has a dragon tattoo!" and she started YELLING and we had to pause the show because it wasnt a gd dragon it was a QILIN and they are VERY DIFFERENT THINGs, and then i got a whole rant about how even a unicorn would be a closer translation than dragon and i had to look up qilin's on wiki to follow along with the rant. and thats how i know what a qilin is.
[12] i have a visceral cringe reaction to dragons now, thanks zhongchi. from my favorite beanie baby being scorch to this, how far i have fallen
[13] im sure the same is true for this fanon version of zhongli but i havent bothered to verify.
[14] @ chilumi shippers: ur cool, i like u, i also like ur art it's cute <3 but your fanfiction is not for me u_u
#writing#fandom analysis#as written by a childe main#genshin impact#mentions of sex#rant#childe#tartaglia#zhongli#not zhongchi friendly but not zhongli unfriendly#zhongli is fine#chilumi shippers i see u and you're doing great keep it up i just dont read m/f#woke up today and chose violence#i really did think about letting this stay in discord dms forever but i worked too hard on this argument to let it die in obscurity#might delete later we'll see if the fandom gets vicious#hopefully they will not! but i am kind of inviting bad karma by posting this#i think the flanderization of fictional characters within fandom using traits they NEVER POSSESSED is a really fascinating thing#from a sociological perspective#from a fandom perspective pls stop ur hurting me#fandom telephone
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Day 26 / Lips
Clover and Violets 2021
Ship: Lassieshipping | Asuka/Junko/Momoe/Rei
Universe: GX
Word Count: 1,347
Rating: T
Tags: Secret Relationships, Polyamory, Misunderstandings
Edit: so you guys weren’t just gonna tell me only half of this fic posted, huh, is that it?
Loose lips sink ships, Rei reminded herself as she saw something that maybe she shouldn’t have seen.
She pulled herself back behind the endless bookcases of the Obelisk Blue Dorm and she felt her heart race and her cheeks hue with warm pinkness. For someone so obsessed with love and romance, Rei was actually quite shy when it came to the minutiae of it. But only because in this instance, she thought she might have seen something salacious. Scandalous. Hilarious given it was only the chastest kiss between Asuka and Junko in the library. Oh, it had been so romantic, Rei could have swooned. Junko sitting at the table, quibbling with her pen as she tried to take notes. Asuka sashaying back towards her, putting her hands on the edge and then initiating a surprise kiss. They looked so good together in the dim, dust mite ridden light that came in shafted sunbeams through the library’s sky-lights in the ceiling. All secluded and to themselves but here’s the thing. Rei could have sworn that it was Junko and Momoe who were a thing. Her heart hammered in her chest as she saw what she thought was adultery. Momoe was so sweet, sweet as a peach, there was no way that her girlfriend and their mutual best friend would do something so harmful to her behind her back such as kiss on the lips together - and who knows what else. Rei waited a moment and then she stole another glance at them. She just knew this had to have been bad luck; Chronos giving her a free pass to the Library because he wanted to see her excel and join his ranks was too good to be true. This was clearly karma for accepting a nicetie from such a harsh teacher. She saw that Momoe had returned and they were giggling amongst one another. It was as though the kiss between Asuka and Junko had never even so much as happened. She clearly did know. Oh, this was horrible. Rei had never known either Asuka nor Junko to be so cruel but apparently, even girls as nice as they were capable of horrible things too. Since they were clearly going to be there for a long while, Rei slunk out the way she had came. Sticking close to the bookcases and getting out there. Studying be damned. She didn’t need to pass biology anyway; this was a school for card games, why did they need to know punnett squares, anyway? But after witnessing such an event, Rei felt something awaken in her. A sense of duty and justice to her friend, Momoe, perhaps? A betrayal of her own eyes and what she saw; maybe they had just been talking and she had imagined or misunderstood what she had seen. Either way, Rei began to fixate on how Asuka, Junko, and Momoe behaved around one another. Junko and Momoe were always super-duper cuddly with one another. Sometimes even involving Asuka in their impromptu hand holding and arm linking. And Rei watched carefully how Asuka would stiffen before softening into whatever affection that Junko and Momoe were sharing between themselves and then inviting Asuka into it. She couldn’t help but wonder if that initial aversion from Asuka was an admission of guilt, that she knew she was doing some terrible to Momoe by having Junko in secret? Rei didn’t know and she kept having to look away, like a voyeur, because she didn’t want to get caught. She knew that this wasn’t her business but she was boiling up and over about it because she didn’t want Momoe to be hurt but she didn’t want Asuka and Junko to be either. All of it, seeming, to be the glisten on lips. Because it had started with a glimpse of Rei seeing lips where they maybe shoudln’t have been but she had begun to fixate on Asuka’s. And Junko’s. And Momoe’s too for good measure. They all seemed so soft and pretty, especially compared to her own. Rugged and chapped. She wondered what sort of lip balms that they used - and likely shared among each other. And just as Rei was on her way to the dining hall to hopefully score an egg sandwich, she saw Momoe and Asuka together. She wondered where Junko was and at first they were talking but as she walked by, she saw it in the corner of her eye. Another kiss. It was melancholic with the late afternoon sun filtering through the branches; it sort of seemed like a thank you kiss, sweet but with eyes open, shared in full, both girls standing up straight, not even holding hands. Rei stopped in her tracks so that she could gawk and unfortunately, Asuka and Momoe had noticed.
Momoe giggled, “Rei, you pervert,” she teased, “get over here.”
Rei’s face went red. She nodded and she very stiltedly walked over. Just as she arrived, so did Junko who had drinks for three and not four.
"Oh, hey, Rei what’re you up to?” Junko asked as she handed out a water to Asuka, a peach iced tea to Momoe, and kept a diet cola for herself.
“She was being a lookie-loo again.” Momoe told her.
“It’s not like she meant either times…” Asuka offered as Momoe tilted her drink to Asuka so she could unscrew the lid.
Momoe smiled at the small gesture that was otherwise unacknowledged.
“I’m sorry!” Rei said. “I didn’t mean to, um, see either of that.”
“Thank you for keeping it to yourself but, er, you still sort of gave it away in your body language. Everyone can tell you’ve been tense about something for the past few days.” Asuka said.
“I’m sorry!” Rei said again. “For, um, thinking you were an adulterer, Asuka. And to you, Momoe, Junko, I knew that Junko would never go behind your back to kiss Asuka but I’m kind of confused. Who's dating who?”
Junko laughed. “We all are, silly.”
“O-oh, um, really… how?” Rei asked.
“The same you would if you were only dating one person, I guess.” Momoe shrugged. “Works for us, we get a lot of crushes after all.”
“True, true.” Junko said. “I have no idea how Asuka here puts up with us given she is very, very slow to develop any feelings for anyone.”
Asuka blushed. “That’s not quite true.” In her flushedness, she was quick to change the topic of conversation. “But we like to keep it on the downlow since it is a bit unusual, you are right about that, Rei. It can be difficult to explain…”
“I - I see.” Rei stammered out. Her eyes were all huge and starstruck - Junko and Momoe couldn’t help but notice.
Junko leaned in and Rei’s heart jumped to her chest. She could smell the kind of tropical lip balm that Junko used. “But now you’re curious aren’t you, aren’t you, girlie?” Junko teased. Rei made a tiny hand gesture, “Only a little…” she murmured.
“It’s natural to be curious about that sort of thing.” Asuka assured her. “Okay, well, I am…” Rei admitted.
“I think three’s just not big enough yet, you know.” Junko said, flicking her attention to Momoe.
Momoe giggled, “Me too.” she agreed.
Asuka sighed. There they went again. Getting more crushes but she had to admit. If it was Rei, she wouldn’t mind. And poor Rei. She was standing there still, not quite sure what to do with herself as it was a bit above her head but she did look cute with her eyes all lit up like that and her own lips a little slack. Only to be kissed on the cheeks from both sides from Junko and Momoe. A sparkly, fizzy kiss on one side and a sweet, fruitier kiss on the other and it just made her go all red and smiley and her heart beating a million miles an hour because she was right to have a fixation. Junko and Momoe really did have nice lips. Now it would just have to be Asuka’s turn next.
#femslash#femslashfeb2021#femslash february#lassieshipping#yugioh gx#gx#yugioh#asuka tenjoin#saotome rei#junko makurada#hamaguchi momoe#writing tag#clover and violets#clover and violets 2021#this feels like hot garbage but at least it didn't crash google docs?????
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ok that's just rude and close-minded that someone would argue with you as if everyone has the same outlook omfg. personally, i believe in twin flames because i have one, but i definitely do not expect everyone else too.
ALSO PEOPLE, TWIN FLAME RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT JUST FOR ROMANCE. there's a lot of twin flames that do not go into union at all. it is a journey of healing past/inner trauma and karma, it is a concept of turning into your most divine self and as well as completing or getting closer to your divine mission on this earth. twin flames often teach each other lessons, good or bad, and intentionally or unintentionally help each other pull through. some people end up having a healthy , loving relationship with their divine counterpart, some don't.
Google definitely does not describe it all because everyone's experience is different but there are websites and such to really explain. every journey is different and if your twin flame is detrimental to your health and wellbeing, you can always walk away from it. at the end of the day, it is a soul connection and it isn't always an easy one. with that being said, a karmic/toxic relationship is not the same as a twin flame.
please stop pressuring them to believe/understand twin flames. not everyone does and that is completely OKAY, especially if they are still doing readings for you or being as accepting as possible when it comes to your situation. this lovely reading spends day in and day out trying to get readings to you guys as much as possible, i can see it constantly. be a bit more open minded to everyone's point of view on things; and once again, this is coming from someone who DOES and HAS a twinflame.
if you REALLY were in/interested in a twin flame connection, you would come to a very well awakening of knowing that not everyone thinks the same way or will be as inviting and welcoming to the concept or your relationship, but nonetheless focusing on your path and destiny because whatever works and resonates with you, as well as makes you happy, is YOUR business.
with that being said, thank you so much tulip 🤍for being here to answer asks every single day and care enough to deal with people; even if they aren't so kind. people are not as progressive as they perceive to be, i see people are still thinking that their answer should be everyone else's.
Exactly lol. And this kind of branches out into larger conversations that are being held -silently- across the community but like, not every belief system is the same. Like you and I are perfect examples lol. You got a twin flame and I had such a bad experience that I refuse -and have before it happen- to believe love should be that complicated and hard ya know? Like Idk, past experiences and what not really do shape the way people believe in things. and different religions also. like, a lot of us probably came from a christian background. and it's taken me a lot of time to step out of that christian way of thinking when appraoching witchcraft. Like I ain't a saint, but I try to be open minded when answering questions. I try to see it from a place of unbias and a place of love but that don't mean every situation I'm going to understand lol. I have my own bias, and I always will. That don't make me a bad reader but I feel like some people put me on a pedestal or... just want to fight lol. and when I give that disclaimer that I'm like, hey this is what I did and what I think so hopefully you can understand the reading better. Like I know a lot of people here are new to this blog. lol and even the ones who have been here awhile are probably picking up my beliefs. but that being said, I also don't post about it that much anymore. so me telling you in a reading like here's my biased opinion, you can take it or leave it lol. it might affect the reading in the long run which is literally the only reason why I say it in the first place. Most readers don't even do that LOL. it's expected that you know of their bias. but I always want to be clear and forthcoming with people that like, we might have different views, but ultimately, I'm trying to help you for your better good. and to still fight me on it?? it's like, sis did you even read the whole reading or did you stop at the disclaimer lol. and then to turn around and play the victim lolol I got an aries mars in the first house man, I am not afraid of just chewing some ass lol Anyway, it's been said before and it'll be said forever, but everyone is different in witchcraft. and it's weird to me that like people get upset about it. the disclaimers aren't to like downplay the reading. it's just making you aware that I might use some different terms and have different vibes. Like I have another twin flame reading in my askbox and I'm like, okay twin flames aren't my thing, but I will try my best to set that aside. and I will tell that person, that hey, I might not pick up on everything because of that. it don't mean I'm going to like half ass the reading. that's so unfair lol. but it just means that, every possible connection you might have, I might not get. das all. and then to play victim. child lol. but yea lolol. I'm hoping people can see that despite differences, I'm willing to help. I think it's so stupid that people aren't willing to help because someone is different from someone else. like we're all human, with different beliefs. just because I believe in something different, don't mean I'm going to be rude about it. I will adjust accordingly and go from there. but I ain't about to not say anything either lol
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New Years’ 2019
Cycle 12, Day 7
It is 11 am on my birthday, and, apart from any keppra side-effects, I’m am stone-sober. I realise that’s hardly a boast for most people - “It’s before lunch in the middle of the week, an I haven’t done anything interesting,” but I have spent most of the past year - at least 75% based on initial observations - living a lifestyle that would make Keith Richards shiver. Possibly literally - it gets cold in those chemo wards. For those of you who missed my 2018 - and, to be fair, if there was a year to miss, on any level, for any reason, that was the year to step out on, I spent most of it getting dosed with various toxins. That was the actual selling point, chemotherapeutic agents should be poisonous, they’re designed to kill cancer. The fact that they make you feel like hell is a feature, not a glitch.
Tomorrow and next Tuesday will mark - hopefully - the end of treatment. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking forward to getting Tuesdays back, but, it’s worth noting, there is a security and comfort even in “Oh, it’s Tuesday, Time for a poisoning!” that you don’t get with, “Best of luck” and being herded out of the pen. The good news is, when you live half your life just trying to overcome the short-term, long-term, and immediate challenges posed by cancer, things like age or lack of progress in your life don’t bother you. As the guy who spent several recent posts bitching about his lack of accomplishments, I should point out that it’s like any other pain in my life - it’s unpleasant and I probably don’t dislike it any less than you do, it’s just not of such immediate horribleness that I flinch.The good news - and it is good news - is that you’re no longer quite the social pariah (”leper,” if you wlll) you are/were with cancer, even though you’ll get that brand for rest of your life. And there are enough self-help books, gurus, and advisers for what to do post-cancer that I’m not feeling quite as horrifically alone as I was a year ago. That’s good news and bad - on the one hand, if there’s a solid reference library for a problem, that’s an immediate disincentive for me to write the how-to guide on it. Which is only problematic because I’ve learned, in the last year, in order to be me, I must write in order to be me. Or in order to feel like me, anyway. And, in order to get that, I have to leave the house in the wider world. I know, it’s a bit of a Peter Pan-style let-down to figure out that careers, marriages, and most worthwhile endeavors are based on accident and random chance instead of steely determination and skill, but, the flip side of that; if I can just live long enough, sheer random chance will have to work in my favor. Gods know, I’m a bit overdue on that one.
I’m hardly riding off into the sunset; in a best-case scenario, I will have to return for an MRI ever 6-8 weeks for the following year, with, as my physicians have noted, follow-up chemo as needed (won’t that be something to look forward to). Theoretically, that’s the likely four-year plan right now (it takes five years of remission to be declared “cured” when you have chronic cancer. I’ll certainly keep everyone updated as best I can, and I have every intention of writing the, “So now you have Stage IV Cancer” book that’s in me (it’s in all of us, I’d darkly point out). And I’ll delve a little into pop psychology, There is a list on wikipedia of “cognitive biases” which are weird little flaws and logical loopholes in human behavior and psychology. Some of these are fairly obvious - the ‘confirmation bias” means we tend to attach greater meaning or significance to data or information that confirms our pre-conceived notions. The “Just World” flaw is the one to pay attention to the first few months after diagnosis. This is the built-in mechanism that keeps us from becoming Bat-man villains; it’s the basic belief in karma - do good, end up with good. So it can be something of a shocker to get a third brain tumor/cancer diagnosis (Side-note: they’re all as devastating as the first time you get it; as I mentioned in another piece, don’t go into the doctors’ office alone, tip the Lyft driver generously if you need to), I’ve heard people say they don’t buy into this, “Do good, receive bacon” morality; they don’t like i when I point out that, unless you’re out running down cheerleaders and indulging the Hunter S. Thompson diet (Wild Turkey, cocaine, and red meat), you probably have something like basic impulse control and, probably buy into the idea, at least a little bit, that people deserve what they get. Which can send you into a high-speed tailspin after a diagnosis like this - my own father gets asked, regularly, if he smoked (yes, briefly). His nurses don’t find it amusing when he points that the last time he had a cigarette, Hendrix was alive. The same thing will likely happen to you, and, that’s dangerous, because it invites self-pity over introspection. Now, I love a good wallow in self-pity as much as the next guy (or hippopotamus; it occurred to me that “wallow” might not be a verb most men would admit to), but, in those first weeks, you are very much on the clock. My solution was a hybrid nihilism/optimism approach (if you’re religious, you might want a different solution): nothing - good or bad - happens for a reason. We can discuss the scientific underpinnings of all this later; it’s related to chaos theory and “dependence on initial conditions.” Kim Kardashian and the president inherited their wealth and fame, John McCain was a multimillionaire with access to the best physicians and doctors in the world; he lasted 13 months. Despite that - that night encroaches on all sides and ultimately all we do will be buried in sand as the universe approaches heat-death, be kind and gentle whenever possible - even if it doesn’t make a difference to you, there’s a chance it’ll save somone’s life, somewhere. Here’s my advice: “You’re undoubtedly a decent person - or not someone who deserves this disease, and the uncountable minor horrors and problems that come with it. No one does; it’s just an unfortunate, inevitable by-product of multicellular life, and the flawed solutions evolution developed to address those by-products and problems. This will be the loneliest period you face, possibly in your life, as a result of those sort of “why me” questions. In the spirit of Neil Gaiman’s famous New Years’ toasts, here’s one for everyone starting 2019 in the hot seat. The coming trials and tribulations will test you more than you can start to imagine. You will experience situations and problems so grotesque and nightmarish you probably wouldn’t have believed someone if they told you about it without prior knowledge. And, depending on your cancer, there’s a not-insignificant chance you won’t see the next year, nor is there a guarantee you’ll usher in the next year. If you do, however, you will see yourself in superior physical condition than you are now; you will have to perform - consistently - far better and longer than you think you can, even if you have an army of personal assistants. It will be brutal and frightening - every single second of it. And you will never, ever see a definitive victory; you’ll have to learn to manage your ambitions, dreams, and life expectancy on a 4-18-month outlook.
Welcome to your finest hour. And if the loneliness or talons in the dark become too much, scream for help; there are far, far more of us chained together in this trek through hell than most people admit.
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Hey everyone!TL;DR at the bottom.I apologize in advance for this long story and for making a bit of a drama here. I hope this is the right place to post this. Also English isn’t my first language :)This is a throwaway account, because I feel a bit ashamed of my stupid and naiv way of handling this thing.This is my side of the story. So take it with a grain of salt.So what happened. I feel pretty stupid and naiv, even for my 29 years. I got sick of the whole dating thing and thought I wanted to find someone to be in the outdoors. My first mistake was to look for that on Tinder. I met this girl. She's almost 25 and was really nice and cool at first. I loved her strong personality right from the beginning. We met at a cafe for our first "non-date" and soon after went on a hike. I told her I wasn't looking for anything, but if anything would come up, I would rather want to work on a long-term relationship. At this point, I'm not sure how much I emphasized the long-term relationship part. She on the other hand told me, she wasn't sure what she wanted, but was not looking for a relationship. I didn’t know what I was thinking at that point. I was a bit into her and thought about what could happen. So I took it as the first red flag but ignored it over time.We went for drinks later that day and she asked me if being each others sweethearts (I don't know the exact english term for something less than a relationship but more than just friends with benefits) wouldn't be something similar as having a relationship. And over the next couple of days she also mentioned multiple times that her last relationship started out as being just sweethearts.Now I'm listening. I thought, maybe this could work out after all. At this point we were meeting a couple times a week and things were good. Nothing happened for the first 5 dates. However, she always talked about kissing and how she missed and wanted it. At the 4th or 5th date she was like "Hint hint, I really like to be kissed" whereas I told her multiple times that I wasn't ready because we kind of didn’t know what we wanted. This was the second red flag I ignored.It is weird. On the one hand I felt like she liked me, on the other hand I started to feel like she didn't care at all for me. Another red flag. I thought that things would turn out to be good once we would know each other a little better and start to have a good friendship as a basis.After the 5th date we kissed and I invited her over. We both were a bit horny and of course we slept together. We started hanging out at my place a couple of times and spoke about being exclusive or not. We both agreed to be. After all it was more like being friends with benefits but I hoped for more. At this point, I didn't stress too much about wanting a relationship 'cause I felt like we were on the same page. We had breakfast together each time she stayed over and I enjoyed hanging out with her. I figured we formed some sort of connection and we were pretty honest about our feelings. So I thought. Probably I wasn't completely honest with myself. I’m not sure.She stayed over again and I initiated something the next morning. However, I needed to get to work so we went our ways and I didn't hear from her for almost 2 days (we texted kinda every day by now). I wasn't worried though. I trusted her and she had her "offline" days. Two days later she texted me if we could meet. I felt that something was off but didn't know what it was. We met at a park and had a little chitchat before she started to stumble. Two days ago she went out with a guy. She met him before (she told me about him and how his situation is kinda similar to hers). They went out for drinks and she went home with him. What happened next: you can imagine. Just thinking about it still makes me feel sick.I personally felt cheated. We spoke about it and she admitted she felt bad and guilty for hurting me... and that she was also in love with me. Now I am super confused and told her I need a break for a couple of days to get my head around all that. After 2 weeks we met again. We spoke about what happened. I also asked her if she felt she was cheating on me. "No, we are not in a relationship" - so I asked her if it had any value talking about being exclusive then. She replied it had no real value in her situation. I got angry at this point. I didn’t yell at her but I let her know that I didn’t find that ok in any way. She felt sorry that I wasn’t feeling well, but at the same time she just wanted to have fun (she didn't say it like that, but I just figured). Even though with the very next comment she admitted, that the whole friends with benefits wouldn’t work out for her.There were other comments that really hurt me. I’m super slow in processing stuff so I met her one last time the other day to tell her, that I didn’t want to see her any longer. She was a bit mad at me for analyzing everything she said. Well… yea?I sure was kinda in love with her but at the same time I knew that it was not meant to be. I hoped for her to come my way and admitting her wrongdoing. She felt sorry for hurting me but didn’t think she was doing anything wrong.Don't get me wrong, I was in a similar situation myself as she is now years back and I know in what situation she’s in. So let’s say karma hit me. I get that, yet it is no excuse for anything.I know I will be fine. I’m super grateful for my friends. I’ll just need some time to get over it.Conclusion? What did I hopefully learn from all of this?Stick with your gut (which is not that easy at all)Thanks for reading :)TL;DR: Got cheated by an exclusive friend w/ benefits; she didn’t care too much via /r/dating_advice
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Christmas Eve
12/24/2017
10:25
The universe does not want me to make this post tonight. This is my third fucking time restarting my writing. The first time my browser decided to randomly refresh and I lost a nice long entry I was just about to post. I learned the lesson that I should probably type my entries in Word before pasting them into a Tumblr text-post. The second time I unplugged my laptop on accident when I got up to get Meatball off of the T.V. stand. She was knocking shit off, like cats do. You can stare at them and say “No!” while they make direct eye-contact with you as they swipe shit off and onto the floor. Pesky little shit. While I was getting up, I unplugged my laptop by accident which needs to be plugged in to stay on. Needless to say, Microsoft Word proved to be incredibly useless and it didn’t save my progress. So now I’m moving onto Google Docs. This has been a not-so-relaxing night of failure and lessons learned. I’ve also been reminded I need a new computer really fucking badly. It doesn’t stay turned on unless its plugged in. The charging cable easily falls out. Letters are skipped while typing. I thought writing was going to help me relax, but really it's just made me realize how much I hate technology. I spent almost two thousand dollars on this laptop, it’s not even 2 years old, I have taken pretty damn good care of it, and here we are. Sigh. Without further adieu, I start this entry for a THIRD time, nearly an hour later from when I first started at 9:30 pm. Hopefully it’s as detailed and good as the first two times, but I’m giving myself some slack. Feet don’t fail me now.
It’s Christmas eve, as you can probably tell by the date on the top of this post. I’ve been listening to Dolly Parton’s Hard Candy Christmas on repeat for almost an hour. It’s starting to get just a LITTLE old at this point, but Dolly Parton is a queen and I always have time for her. I don’t really like Christmas and my dad doesn’t really celebrate it either, so whatever. I’m sitting alone in the room I’m staying in typing and scrolling aimlessly through Scruff and Grindr. Probably not the best idea to be on these apps. I’m just horny, sad, and in a small very sparsely populated state. Probably the worst combination in the history of all combinations, ever. Once again, the universe is out to make me miserable.
Can you tell how dramatic I am yet? It’s pretty fucking incredible.
Yesterday I went to Riverton for two reasons: the first reason, to visit my grandma Peggy. The second, to meet up with two friends, Robert and Shayna, at a 2-spirit meeting on the reservation in Fort Washakie. It was great to see my grandma. She looks a lot older than I remember her looking, and it made me a little bit sad. I really need to get better about staying in touch with my family members. I got busy in college and neglected a lot of relationships. You live and you learn, I guess. I’m going to start committing myself to calling the family members I love. I need to hold myself more accountable for this. Her dog Cesar recently passed away from problems with diabetes. He was the same breed as my dog, Cleo (Get it, Cleo and Cesar, cute right?) who also currently lives with my grandma. I sent Cleo there when I left to college because I figured my grandma could take better care of her than my dad could. My dad doesn’t hate animals, but dogs in particular take a lot of love and affection to be happy and healthy. My dad is not the most affectionate person on earth. Although, he seems to really care about the pets that live in his house now. I think he regrets a lot of things in his life, how he used to not care about animals being one of them. My dad and Cynde have 3 cats... Bubbles (my good boy who I grew up with. He is getting old now) Miley, and Maximus. Miley and Maximus are scared of everything. They are also aggressive self-petters... Meaning, if your hand or appendage is dangling from an arm rest, they will come up and aggresively rub their faces on it and “pet” themselves. Miley gets really into it. Maximus is more cautious than she is. My grandma is a total animal lover, and has a big yard and garden for Cleo to run around in. Cleo was happy to see me, and she definitely remembered who I was. My grandma also has a lot of cats and another dog named Shorty. They are all fucking adorable. My favorite cat of my grandma’s is one named Gravy. He is 2 years old. He’s a soft and sleepy boy. He’s very cuddly, too. His mouth falls open when he’s really relaxed and sleeping. I took a picture:
My grandma seems happy and healthy. She made us a big dinner last night… Turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and pie. It was tasty and my dad and I brought a lot of leftovers back to Greybull.
A funny story that involves both my grandma, AND the pie: my grandma is sort of a conspiracy theorist. She would never call herself that, however. One of the first things she did when I got to Riverton was hand me a packet telling me how I can spiritually awaken myself during the holiday season and how now is the best time to do so... Anyways- back to the pie. She recently purchased this small plastic tube, I’m assuming from the internet… I tried not to ask a lot of questions because I didn’t want the conversation to go on for hours. My grandma explained to me and my dad after pouring us two glasses of water that this water in particular was better for you than regular water because it had been run through this “device” (the tube). Apparently it helps purify the water and add oxygen to it. Cool I thought, all fine and dandy. But then she started talking about using the tube to restructure unhealthy foods by blowing into one end and circulating the air you’re blowing out of it around the food on the plate. She said it can help restructure the molecules within the pie to make it a little healthier and draw out the toxins in your body and the heavy metals in your brain from bad food and vaccines (You can’t make this stuff up). My dad and I just humored her and nodded our heads, trying to make the conversation end. I love my grandma, but I worry about her being on the internet sometimes.
The drive to Riverton yesterday morning was pretty rough. We had gotten up at 7 am to drive about 2 hours there and the weather was less than ideal. Thankfully my dad was driving because I had spent the night before getting drunk at Ashley’s. Ashley and I had made plans that night to go out “bar-hopping” in Greybull. Yeah. It was EXACTLY as you’d expect. Disappointing. I believe there are 4 bars in Greybull. The Silver Spur, the Smokehouse, Lisa’s, and another one whose name I can’t remember right now. The Silver Spur and the Smokehouse were like, grossly well-lit, and no one in the bar was under the age of 40. Bars… If you want to help your business and attract a younger crowd please do 3 things:
Turn off the bright, ugly, fluorescent lights. Ambient lighting is nice.
Don’t be in Greybull, Wyoming.
Stay open past 10 pm.
We ended up going to Lisa’s, a locally owned bar and restaurant. Honestly, not bad. I had two Chimney-Rock Margaritas, and a lot of chips and salsa. I saw two of my classmates from high school. One I used to have a crush on, the other, well, let’s just say, the good ol’ high school glory days are DEFINITELY over. That’s all that needs to be said. It's always nice to see people who used to relentlessly bully you go way down hill after high school. Karma, maybe? We went back to Ashley’s that night and I got progressively more drunk off of gin and La Croix (sounds white, I know). I think I ended up leaving her house at like 4:30 am after her brother Josh woke me up after I fell asleep on the basement couch. I got home, sadly ate some Ruffles potato chips in bed, and woke up an hour and a half later to sit in a cold car and drive to Riverton. Everything ended up being okay, thank god. I take good care of my body, obviously.
Like I said at the beginning, I also went to Riverton to meet up with friends. Robert and Shayna work for Wyoming Equality and have done some pretty amazing things for LGBTQ+ people in our state. They invited me to go with them to a 2-spirit meeting on the reservation in Fort Washakie. It was really amazing to gain a new perspective from a community I previously did not have a lot of knowledge about. I listened to everyone’s stories and experiences. It felt important. It IS important. There was a gift exchange of hand-made gifts when the meeting was over. I made a drawing to contribute:
I unofficially named it “There is power in a limp wrist”. I made it to kind of serve as a reminder to take pride in queer identity. I believe there is power in queer identity. I believe queer people are special.
After the meeting we went with everyone to a new Hookah bar in Riverton. The bar owner is black and queer. I think it is pretty great Wyoming has something like that. I’m happy that a black and queer business owner is being supported in Wyoming. It’s things like this that give me hope when I feel like the whole country is going to shit. Later that evening we went and ate at the Wind River Casino. After dinner, I put a dollar in the penny slot and won 5 dollars. A 500% profit. Go me. It paid back half of my meal. I had a good time. A little bit of my faith was restored yesterday. As I said, there is power in queerness.
It’s 11:20 now. Almost Christmas day.
Happy Holidays.
-E
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