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[valleynix]

Love the little Bela spice in chp 16 🥰🥰 feel free to ignore if it ain’t your style, but do you have any spicy headcanons on the dimis

>:)

(slight NSFW, minors DNI)

Alcina

she’s the top and there’s really no debate about it

she may appreciate her partner going down on her occasionally, but for the most part, she’d much rather see how they writhe beneath her

she likes to mark, be it with her lipstick or by biting

she much prefers doing things with her hands or mouth

whining or moaning in her ear will get her to melt and do whatever her partner begs of her (because we all know that’s her end goal, to hear how much they beg her)

Bela

i think she’s a top-leaning switch

while she may prefer to give most of the time, there are nights she would want her partner to take care of her

she probably goes a bit rough at times, but say the word and she’ll cool it

whining or begging won’t make her give her partner what they want any quicker; she’ll finish when she thinks they deserve it :)

she’s pretty good with both her hands and her mouth, and she’s probably a bit into choking, be it giving or receiving

Cassandra

considering she’s probably on the aroace spectrum, i’d say sex isn’t a big deal to her at first

she’d want to make sure she can actually fully trust and love someone before she tries anything, but she’d likely be a bit inexperienced

once that happens, though… hoo boy

definitely strikes me as a top, though she may occasionally like to be taken care of on days the stress of being the middle daughter gets to her

she also probably gets a bit rough and bites a lot, probably a bit of pinning… her aftercare is superior, though

Daniela

she strikes me as a power bottom; she much prefers receiving, but she will boss her partner around (in a loving way)

if she does give, she’s excellent with her mouth. she’ll bring her partner to heaven in minutes and giggle after

she does like sex, but she’s certainly not as sex-crazed as everyone seems to think she is. she’ll want to at least feel like she has a connection to someone before going further

she likes seeing her lipstick staining her partner’s skin before they even get started, and seeing their flustered appearance makes her feel like she has them right where she wants them

[dearmomimissyou]

I have a therapy appointment this Thursday at 3 and I finally got the dumb fucking inpatient bill dealt with. I'm still struggling with Manuel. I thought I was over him but Austun and I went to oasis where Manuel plays magic with his friends and all the feelings and shit came flooding back and I wanted to talk and hang out with him. I sent him a Pic of like a snorlax in an oasis merch shirt to show him I'm there and he finally responded after an hour. I immediately freaked out when he messaged back and I'm pretty sure he's annoyed with me so I'm just not going to respond back. I found the $500 that was missing from watching Cindy's house yesterday and I stupidly told him that I thought he might have taken it for drugs so like he's in his right to be upset with me but I just will make everything worse if I keep talking tk him so I'm just not going to. Like I'll still let myself message him if it's like hey this is something that Manuel might like or something but I'm done trying to actively reach out otherwise. I just keep getting hurt.

Austun and I also went to Costco today since I got money and I bought a fuckload of frozen food. I should be good for the next few weeks. Hopefully til I get a job. I applied to Smiths and target. Also thinking about applying to some hotels around me. Austun thinks it'd be good. Also on the way home from Costco I was just in my fucking feelings about Manuel cause of fucking course and I just started crying in the car. To be fair I think what really made it happen was watching a video of a sweet cat thag reminded me of Miss Phyre and then the floodgates opened and my brain instantly was like hey you're feeling bad right now think about Manuel. I just need to let him go but it's so fucking hard.

I did post on Facebook groups again for Miss Phyre and I got a few texts. One is an obvious scam thag said they had my cat so I texted back if they could send a Pic and then they ne er responded. The other one sent pics of a different orange cat with a broken tail. I really fucking wish I still lived downtown so I could walk around at night looking for her. I want her home so fucking bad and I know I need to accept that she's probably never coming home.

I'm probably gunna sleep/nap cause I only got a few hours of sleep. May e I'll post on nextdoor again before I sleep.

Love you always.

[yazthebookish]

I know that the next books are going to be bad just like acosf. I remember everyone making such good theories about acosf before it came out. I was like "omg I can see that happening- this is so good!!", but then... Sarah just got worse in writing- idk why the hell she thinks she got better. Tog is a really good series and Acotar - Acowar are good too! What did we got from Acosf?! We all waited so long to know what Nesta's powers could do, how Feyre's and Nesta's relationship will turn out and much more- BUT WE DIDN'T GET THAT. Sarah just said "Btw Nesta's power is death" and "yeah Nesta saves Feyre and now they're good". All she cares about is the damn sex and I'm so sick of it! We don't know what Nesta can do but we were reminded over and over again of how big Cassian's dick is. I was so pissed when Sarah said that (I think her editor?) asked her if it was better to cut out a sex scene and she was like "lol nope"??!? Is she for real? The characters were so bad in acosf, the villain wasn't scary and was killed like a damn fly, all this talking talking and talking but never showing. Not to mention how everything was so rushed in the end because Sarah was too busy of writing Nessian sex than actually working on the plots, worldbuildung, characters etc. I have doupts now, even if hopefully Gwynriel is next, I don't think this book will be good at all. I see all the Gwynriel theories that are soo good, but I know Sarah is not capable of doing something that good anymore. I'm so mad and disgusted. Really.

I think I will finish Acotar and maybe CC (depends on the second book) and then I will never even pick up a sjm book again because I know that in 10 years, she will publish smutty books that have no plots at all. Chapter 3 and the characters are already fucking.

I don't mind smut at all, but too much of it is just boring.

• I don't think there is something wrong with smutty books that don't have a plot because thag genre has its own audience.

• I get why you're upset and I see all of your points and agree and disagree with some.

• I think there were very high expectations of ACOSF and I bet many thought it would top ACOMAF (I mean for some it did) I loved the book even with its issues. But it's true it has a lot of issues.

• I think Nesta and Cassian could've offered us more as a couple because we already saw the incredible dynamic between them since ACOMAF. I think lany wanted that whole pull and push to be rewarded in ACOSF but instead they were disappointed.

• I'm not happy that Sarah did not balance the book between Nesta and Cassian because there were other things about Cassian we wanted to know and we didn't or it's been brushed over.

• Briallyn was definitely not a compelling villain and was easily defeated.

• Some of Cassian's personality felt off than how he was in the previous books.

• She definitely did not handle Nesta's power well and we still didn't get an idea of what it was actually and it does. Her Cauldron powers were used as a plot-device for the Dread Trove.

A lot of the criticism ACOSF gets is valid but there are people that just hate the books because they think it's cool to hate Fae books.

I am concerned about how Sarah will handle Azriel because he is the most complex character in the series with the deepest wounds and secrets. Azriel isn't a charcater that you just brush over.

Let's hope it gets better from here on anon🤍

[metanarrates]

i would love to hear ab u and ur gfs theory of how termina works!!!!!

okay so a relatively common reading of majora's mask is that it is an allegory reflecting link's process of grief and personal growth. the impending demise of a world is reflective of link's experiences in hyrule after spending seven years in the sacred realm, the recurring theme of grief and loss mirrors link's grief over the time and people he lost, the horrific transformations are similar to link's identity struggles and his sudden transformation into an adult, etc. I really enjoy this theory personally because it makes the game and link's character feel extremely relatable to me. it also makes the more nightmarish and surreal elements of the game carry a lot more conceptual weight. trauma is horrific, especially if you are a child who has had to grow up way too fast, and it can make the world feel nonsensical and hostile as you attempt to process everything that has happened to you.

in this reading, termina is often taken as a dream realm. it's something that is thought to exist only within the confines of link's mind, and disappears once the dream ends, similarly to kholint from link's awakening. while dream worlds are a pretty well-established setting for allegorical character growth to occur, I find that idea a bit uninteresting. dream worlds are played-out at this point. you know what is interesting? the idea that termina IS a real world that happens to operate on very specific dreamlike logic.

we know termina is a world in decay. there is a history there, a weight of rot that has been generations in the making. the dead king of ikana sits on his throne. the turtle in the bay sleeps, blind to the zora's problems. the giants that once roamed this world walk no more. long before a skull child stole a demon's mask and a young hero tripped his way into another world, the land has been dying. even if the young hero is able to stave off the world's decay for a while, it's not unreasonable to assume the rot has progressed past repair. there may be an ending that not even link can delay for long.

and in the manga backstory for the origin of majora's mask, there is a monster that lives in the great desert of an unmoving world. time had stopped for it, but the world was not dead, not yet. a traveller is drawn into this strange world. he makes time move again. the desires of all the dead whom the monster had eaten are laid to rest. satisfied, the monster dies on the fourth day, and the world crumbles alongside him. it's a story we already know, perhaps. a cycle slightly changed.

and the skull kid is such a clear and obvious parallel to link. a boy from the forest, grieving his separation from his friends. according to navi, skullchildren may have been kokiri before they were lost and transformed into something else. he had a past, most likely. people he knew before his body was turned into something strange. he's from link's world, but seems to have visited termina before, long, long ago. did he have a reason for visiting it? or did he arrive by chance, the same way link did?

and we know termina is a land of masks. masks thag hold identity, secrets, self. the wishes of the dead and the living. link dons a mask and transforms into something unrecognizable again and again. the inhabitants of termina, who look so similar to the people link already knows, are said to don masks for the three days that span the carnival of time. it's tradition, they say. something important to them. yet link's one of the only characters who visibly wears masks. have the terminians forfeited their tradition?

or are the terminians already wearing masks that aren't obvious to link?

I think there's a cycle, one beyond the three-day cycle of the moon falling and rewinding. one much more cosmic. I think termina is a land populated by ghosts, a land constantly disappearing and reappearing. I think it readies itself for a newcomer. I think the inhabitants don masks - identities, even - to remind the traveler of whatever people they may have lost. i think the land itself wants to help them move on, and will create what it needs in service of that goal. it holds the travelers for a brief time, the span of a three day festival, and then lets them go. it'll draw the same traveler in again and again for other festivals if that's what it takes.

we have three implied stories. three travelers from hyrule.

we see those five children on the moon, the ones who look like the mask salesman beneath their masks. they live in an idyllic world, a world populated only by them, their masks of the giants, and majora's mask. children who aspire to be mask salesmen. perhaps that's how it was when the mask salesman first came to termina, when the land was far younger. he only needed reflections of himself to move past whatever he grieved back then. he moved on. the ghosts of his grief stayed begind.

the skull kid came to termina later. he befriended the four giants, the protectors of this strange land. but his grief had not settled. and so when the giants left him, a hint from the land signaling that he needed to move on, he rebelled, wreaking chaos. the giants cast him out when his time was up. the skull kid didn't understand, and was troubled by the seeming rejection. the land would draw him back in when the time was right.

there were probably other travelers. enough that their collected grief was enough to populate the land with ghosts. enough that the grief spilled over and filled the world with decay. the number doesn't matter. hopefully, the travelers were mostly able to move on.

then, link comes. he plays out the story we all know. he learns what he needs to learn, he grows as he needs to grow, and his story ends.

soon after, termina does too.

it's been too long. as said before, the decay has set in. no moon falls, but the ghosts disappear, one by one. with them gone, the set dressing collapses. the town, the wildlife, the plants, the land itself disappear. there is nothing but a flat void.

but we know the story of the traveler and the monster. the dead flesh of a world can become something new and powerful. the only thing that changes is the form. termina is a land of cycles, remember. this has happened before and will happen again. the land has worn many masks through its life. death and rebirth will force it to wear even more new ones.

death has always been just another stop in the cycle.

anyway that's my absolutely unhinged self indulgent rant with very little basis in canon <3 it's a fun theory to think about though so idk please enjoy it

[souyaf]

hey affy, i’m the same anon who wrote to u about advise on what to do about my blog :) i’ve decided to take ur word and just start completely new! i’ll probably leave the old one up in case anyone likes going back to re-read that stuff but ahhh i’m kinda excited. also wanted to thank u for taking the time out to answer me and help out! i truly appreciate it. hopefully things will go smoothly with the new blog and when the time comes, i get the courage to break myself so we can become friends in the future too <3 thanks again 💕

OOOOOOH OMG IM SO HAPPY FOR U!!!! i rlly hope i enjoy ur new blog and enjoy getting things set up, thags definitely my favorite part of the whole process!!! you can also move your works to ao3 if you ever feel that you wanna remove ur old blog or get new traffic to ur fics too. i always leave my old blogs up but i'm about to the point where i'm starting to want to move the fics to ao3 and close the blogs down BUT i haven't gotten there yet bc it's a lot of work LMFAO anyway i hope to see u around in th e future MWAH <3

[calliecat93]

ST: The Next Generation Season Two Episodes 19-22.

Manhunt: Lwaxana is back… yay. Yeah I made it no secret that I thought that she was uttery obnoxious in her first episode even if Majel Barret played her very well, and when I read the description for this I became even less enthused about her return. I’ll give her points in that she does seem to be a better mother towards Troi this time around. But… yeah this episode did nothing to make me like her better, if anything her advances on Picard who clearly didn’t feel the same way only made me dislike her more. Admittedly Picard calling in Data to ramble about different cultures was funny, but still I am NOT liking Troi’s mother at all, coming off as more obnoxious and forceful than sympathetic. Looking for a new husband is perfectly fine, but it’s not funny at least to me and no the explanation about a Betazoid woman’s s*x drive increasing at middle age doesn’t make it any better especially when she tries to make Riker marry her. I guess it was funnier than the last one since only the ‘can you continue the petty bickering’ line got me to laugh, but somehow this one annoys me more. I like the dress uniform being an actual dress though and the men wearing it with no complaints. In your face gender norms! Otherwise outside a few amusing bits like the holodeck scenes and me feeling bad for Picard and Troi, I very much disliked this episode and it may be my least favorite thus far this season. 1/5

The Emissary: More romance, yippee… this time it’s Worf and a half Klingon, half human emissary. I really liked K’Ehleyr. The actress was freakin’ excellent and her character, a woman struggling with two sides and seems utterly afraid of her Klingon half as well as a general distrust f Klingons makes her very interesting. It feels kinda bigoted but still adds character. Or I just really like tough women and that’s why I liked her, but still. Also she was totally flirting with Troi. You cannot convince me that she wasn’t. As far as her and Worf being old flames go… didn’t really feel it? Maybe I’m just not into the whole old flames dynamic or the flirting with Troi got to me, but eh. Not sure how I feel about Worf’s part of it. It kinda feels like he wanted to force a marriage thag K’Ehleyr made clear that she wasn’t ready for, but I guess his insecurites about being a human-raised Klingon out of touch with his culture remains if I’m reading things right. And the climax shows how his experience in Starfleet has done good for him and his Klingon knowledge ultimately saved the day. All in all, it was an okay episode. No strong feelings or opinions. I liked it better than the last one, that’s all I’m certain about. 3/5.

Peak Performance: So for this episode we have Riker, Word, Geordi, and Wesley undergoing a simulation/training exercise against the rest of the Enterprise with Riker leading the former. Also on board is an asshole who is supposidly a master strategist and even beats Data in a strategy game. It’s an okay episode. No real strong opinions. I liked seeing Riker’s group being competent and being able to match the Enterprise. The asshole guy insulting Riker’s competency annoyed me because the odd mo ment aside, Riker is a very capable First Officer and leader and if anything his charming, jovial personality makes him someone to inspire others. Data is also down after losing and becomes worried about failing, especially as he’s the acting First Officer with Riker on the other team. It felt like Pulaski kind of relapsed I feel, but she DOES apologize to Data so that’s still better than earlier. Oh and the Ferengi came back, been a while. I think this also shows how being knowledgeable about strategy and using it in a game is NOT the same as actually using those skills in a battlefield or having the experience. Hence why Riker is awesome and the asshole is not. Again, a fine episode. No strong feelings. No strong positive or negative thiughts. It was just fine, and sometimes that’s all I ever ask for. 3/5.

Shades of Gray: Season finale, hooray! I made it~! So how do we end the season? Riker hurting himself on a planet that they know nothing about and is now dying! Of course, wouldn’t be Star Trek if the First Officer didn’t hurt/almost kill himself! So how does this potential for an emotional episode about the loyal, devoted First Officer clinging to life and Troi and his friends/fellow officers facing losing him while trying to find a way to save him? We have… Diker reliving his memories over the past two seasons. That’s right folks, it’s a clip show! Umm… yeah I’m… disappointed? I don’t necessarily hate clipshows bit this could have been a really good episode for Riker and allow some emotions, even show how far things had come since the start. Which tbf a clip show can still allow, but as it’s Riker just dreaming through old memories and not the crew reminiscing or talking to him whole he’s sleeping about those memories, the effect a clip show could have… well, fails. It impacts Troi I guess since she’s sensing his emotions, but that’s ot. Also since I know she just gets dropped without even mentioning her, this is Pulaski’s final episode… and she just does her usual doctor thing. Bjt considering the reception towards her that I’ll go into in another post, maybe this is the best sendoff for her. Overall it’s not a bad episode and not even a bad finale necessarily, but it doesn’t really do much. Though I guess it reminds me of why I like Riker at least and remember a few moments, so there’s that XD 2/5

And thus, Season Two is oficially done! It took FAAAR too long to finally get to it and… well I’ll delve into my feelings in the overall thoughts post that I’ll hopefully have ready for tomorrow. For now, let’s just say you never knew what you were getting. It’s been a ride though, that’s for sure. I’ll begin Season 3 on Tuesday and we’ll see what awaits us thrn. Until then, it may have taken a while to get back underway, but the S2 journey is complete. But there’s still much more to go.

[raes-dirty-laundry]

Stress

I didn’t realize exactly the depth of pure shit I was in until I wrote, be it a very summarized version, of it all down. That version was sent off never to be seen again but this version I’m about to write all down for you here is the extended directors cut. From my brain to this social media platform to you, in all its angsty glory;

1. Constant worry about the wellbeing of my ex girlfriend, that I haven’t seen in three weeks. And when I say constant I mean not a moment goes by where she’s not on my mind. I’m ether formulating the next text I’m going to send her, the next conversation I’m going to have with her (the next time she decides to fucking bless me with her presence), the next accusation, confrontation, confession, concession, profession of everything I’ve been holding in; or I’m bombarded with the mental image of her lying dead on the carpet, all the years and decades passing by where we’re in love and nothing could keep us down as long as we got eachother, successful or poor, fat or thin, living or dying or somewhere in between. that life, that track, that winding road I could have kept her going on if I wasn’t selfish, didn’t take myself away from her for my own good. What’s my own good any good for if she’s gone anyway? And sometimes when I think of her all I feel is relief that it’s over, and guilt that its really, really not. Sometimes all I think is how much I miss her, not that I miss us or what we had together but believe it or not she was good company and an even better friend. Sometimes when I think of her I’m furious and sometimes I’m sad, but mostly I just want closure. A closure I don’t deserve and I’ll probably never get anyway.

2. Me passing this semester, this whole year is solely dependent on a paper I mean to write but never have the time or the motivation or the ability to create. It was due a week from torrow and I’ve promised my professor it’d be on his desk tomorrow morning, but I think we both knew that’s not going to happen. I’m going to fail his class and fail this year and there’ll be no one to blame but my own shitty inability to make good on my word. My word is all I fucking have and I can’t even keep that straight. I’m unwilling to hand in a crap paper and I’m unwilling to do what it takes to completely it and I’m unwilling to show up to his class empty handed, so what the fuck am I supposed to do now? All my options are exhausted, I’m exhausted, and I’ve not even begun to suffer for it.

3. Speaking of classes, I’m on the verge of failing two of them and only with a month left in school there is absolutely no time and little I can do to make it up. Not only will this hinder my ability to pursue further education but it will also without a doubt put strain on my home life as well, when the truth comes out either by admission or that cold hard evidence when the grade report comes in. Let it be known that at least I’ll take the responsibility for my own damn action and conscious choices that led me to fuck everything up. Let it be known that my free will is strong, and as much as it blesses me it is also my greatest burden, but I’m learning to live with it as I am will all things.

4. I’ve been severely deprived of possitive social interactions, friendships and what have you, for god knows how long: since I fell out with my childhood best friend, Jacob, surely. Because of this for the longest time I had aloud shit people into my life because I was desperate, and just up until recently I have come to terms with my inherent isolation and found peace with the one solid and good friendship I have, I found peace with putting my all into being happy with myself and not needing others to define my value. Since that epiphanic moment for some god forsaken reason everyone from here to whoville has been coming out of the woodwork to be my ‘friend’. By friend I mean they want to use me as an emotional dumpster, and somehow I’m the one left feeling guilt deep in my soul for just not giving a rats ass about thier shorty problems and thier shitty lives that I can’t do anything about and if I tried they’d be pissed and if I have advice they wouldn’t take it and if I just listened they’d tell me they don’t feel valued and I act like I don’t care and they’d spit in my face. So forgive me if this irony is fucking shocking when I say, the moment I stop lusting for friendship and start actually examining the quality of those I let influence me, a cascade of shit people become vying for my attention, right when I gain the ability so see through said shit too. Where were these people when I was desperate and would have bent over backwards for their every whim? Where were they when I was honest to god lonely and just needed one friend, one person to talk to no matter how shitty or using or manipulative? Now that I’m free of my blissful ignorance, free from letting scum walk all over me just because they give me the time of day, now they all see my value? It’s not fair and entirely too patronizing, even for god this is gone too far.

5. I’m almost certain that the only constant, stable good thing I’ve got left in my life is getting closer and closer to his end and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever has to deal with in my entire goddamn life. After he’s gone I’m afraid of what will become of me. I’m sure that everything good about my soul that was ever worth anything of value will leave with him. I’m almost relieved that the squishy, vulnerable, loving bits left still inside me will be burried with his soft little body in the dirt where it will all go back to creation, hopefully where it can be used and remade and turned into the thread that twines around true loves hearts. Meanwhile I’ll be left here to live on my life, cold and careless and unseeing, where I will finally be able to throw myself into the Work. all that I see now, all the suffering thag hurts to ignore, all the love and the heartache and everything that makes me who I am will be deep in the dirt where it belongs and I’ll be blessedly empty and there’ll nothing left to hurt any longer. Or at least that’s what I hope.

6. The responsibilities I’ve been turning a blind eye too for far too long are finally nipping at my heels and I can barely contain them inside my any longer. I’ve got a responsibility to myself to take care of myself far better than I have been. I owe it too the one friend I truly have to try and take better care of her and our friendship. I have a responsibility to make sure my boy he’s happy and safe and well cared for, but I can’t bring myself to take him in and find out how long we’ve really got, it would break what little of me that’s stable that I have left and I just can’t to that to him, I’ve got to be strong enough to be there when the time comes but it’s selfish to keep myself in this dark, it’s wrong of me to do this too him but I just don’t know what to do. What I can do, if there’s anything, and I’m too scared to go find out. I’ve got a responsibility to myself to actually be responsible with my life for once, do what I must do to progress on my path but I just can’t find it in myself to break out of the routine and do something with myself. Ive got the will, but I just can’t seem to find my way.

7. The nightmares, if they can even be called that, have been plaguing me for a week or so and it’s probably the worst possible development nueralogically that could have happened to me as of late. My dreams, for years, have been the only peace I find in my horrible useless life. The only place in my mind that I don’t have conscience control of, hence it is salvation for a person like me. A whimsical everchanging world that has always brought me joy has now been ruined. Every night it begins like how it used to be, funky little nonsensical dreams where I’m free to just enjoy for a moment a life where I am simply lead, no choices to make and no prices to pay. Hours of harmless everlasting fun safe tucked away in my mind where no one can rain or take away. I’ve always had a vivid imagination, so it’s always been sometime bright and new and exciting. But now? It’s dull. Not scary, not terrifying, not traumatic or chaotic, just my life through a lens. It’s like stepping into a version of my own life where I make irriversable mistakes, where every bad trait is put under the microscope and examined in depth, or it’s replaying every mistake I’ve ever made before, over and over until I can’t tell what’s real life and what’s inside, or worst of all, I’ll wake up and not remember a damn thing; a completely dreamless night. I never knew one of the last good things in my life that were truely mine could so easily slip through my grasp, and now my peace is gone and I’m scared every night that the next time I fall asleep will be even later than the last until I’m so fed up with my dreams not being the salvation that it used to be, that sleep while once was the hope on the horizon getting me through the day will now be so useless and horrible that I’ll give up on sleeping all together and just be an empty sleepless lifeless zombie. I’m scared that I’ll never get my dreams back. I’m scared that one day I might even learn to be content with the dull dreams that leave me racked with despair every time I open my eyes and just have my own sad twisted life thrown back at me.

That pretty much sums it all up. Those are the factors in which are making it extremely difficult to life my life at the moment. These are the reasons I’ve moved beyond stress and anxiety to a simmering ball of hazy rage doused dread. I know one day it’ll all be irrelevant or I’ll just be used to it, but I almost prefer feeling too much all the time, as apposed to not being able to feel anything at all, but I’m sure my stance on that there will change with time and I become more and more numb to the world around me, duller and duller until I am blind to the machinations of my own demise.

[dearmomimissyou]

So yesterday I tried to make a post explaining the back story of what caused Sunday's mental breakdown to happen and I tried to save it to drafts after spending 30 minutes on it while walking Miss Phyre outside but Tumblr decided to cock out and didn't actually save it which led to another mini meltdown afterwards so I'm just going to skip the background. It hurts to mich to relive it a g a i n. So thanks Tumblr.

Sunday I went to Sam's house after donating plasma cause dad was working on the electrical and I figured I'd just spend time there instead of being home. Instead, I ended up having a breakdown on Sam's back porch. I started crying inside while in the fetal position on the floor and figured that I should go outside so nobody heard me. I violently sobbed for at least ten minutes and dug my nails into my arm because I wanted to punish myself. I also went outside because I wanted to destroy Sam's living room and I can't do that but I can destroy myself and my things. I kept wanting to smash my head into something and eventually I did on the banister twice and screamed both times when I did it. After some time like five minutes of so Nemo came out and tried talking to me and I blew up on them and basically blamed them even though it wasn't their fault. They were crying and begging me to get help dad came out too crying because he heard me say that somebody was tearing me down and making feel like shit about myself but he didn't hear who and at the time it didn't make me feel anything but looking back fucking hurts. Sam came out too after Nemo went inside I think to talk to dad about what was happening and she brought Nala Tyler's cat and asked if I wanted cookies or soda to feel better. I just remember ignoring her and being so annoyed with her in the moment.

Eventually I got to the point where I couldn't physically talk and typed a message to Nemo:

I want to me normal I WA. T to be fixed and go just can't cause miss Phyre needs attention and the dress fitting and I don't want to worry mom and tge family but fucking here I dpimg just that all the God dam. Duckknf time vsvauar I can't fucking control my stupid fucking brain

They asked if I wanted to go to the lds hospital crisis center or if I wanted to wait til tomorrow:

I have to go today cause if I don't there be an excuse tomorrow like I feel better it always happens

So they drove me home so I could get some clothes and stuff to bring to be admitted into inpatient. The whole time I was getting stuff I cried and kissed miss Phyre and told her over and over how much I love her and that I'll be back I'm not abandoning her.

So we get up to the access center thing and because of covid Nemo has to leave but I get taken back pretty fast for the physical part and asking the standard health questions. They also take my stuff including my phone and the pieces of paper that I wrote down all my problems on and a brief breakdown of my childhood traumas. I sit in a pretty okay chair for what feels like an hour. I cry a bit but nothing too noticeable when I finally got back to see the crisis counselor she basically said I'm very knowledgeable about my mental illnesses and told me that she'd let their therapy coordinator know to give me a call on Tuesday and also gave me her business card so I could call too and said as long as I'm not a danger to myself I can go home. In that moment I wasn't in danger of hurting myself more and I did want to go home instead of being admitted so I could take care of Miss Phyre but this was the second time a crisis counselor told me I wasn't in enough danger to be admitted like? Excuse me? Sorry my fucking emotions turn on a fucking dime but I absolutely need professional fucking help please?

She led me back to my chair to wait for the psychiatrist or whatever and that time I didn't have to wait as long. I got a turkey sandwich box thingy that came with a fruit cup chips and a string cheese as well as mustard and mayo in packets to put on it and tomatoes and Lettuce on the side so you can add them if you want them. I only had time to eat the fruit cup and started spreading the mayo on my sandwich before the psychiatrist came to me and we talked and he said the same thing as the counselor thag I'm very insightful about my failings and then put me on welbutrin instead of Lexapro and said I'm good to go home. I went back to the chair finished making the sandwich and then ate it while filling out their crisis sheet thingy that's like when I'm in a bad place who can I go to type shit. I still had to wait to actually be discharged so J ate the string cheese too. I finally left and had to wait another thirtyish minutes for Nemo to come pick me up.

What the scratches looked like right after being discharged. We went back to Sam's house because dad was still doing the electrical and we stayed there for another hour or two before going home. Don't remember much after the discharge honestly.

Monday was labor day and we went shopping I got my pills and stuff from Smiths. Then we went back home to wait for mom and Karleigh to get up so we could go to Joanne's tk make a playyard thing for aidrian and the dollar store for other stuff I don't remember. Then we went to the grocery store to get pita bread for dinner and something else I forgot but we ended up shopping and spent like 200 dollars. We also went to Lowes to get more pvc pipe for the playyard because dad apparently didn't get enough the first time. We ate dinner with Dave which was tikki masala and it was pretty dang good. Also before we got my pills I walked Miss Phyre for a while outside and she loved it. I decided to give her a bath afterwards since she doesn't wash herself and she was oaky the entire time she didn't meow or hiss or anything. She tried to climb out of the tub but not like in an aggressive manner like she didn't want anything to do with the water. She was such a good girl.

When Dave left we started working in the playyard. We wrapped some pink tulle on the sides and tied it to the pvc with some thin yarn. It took us hours to do and it was just mom Karleigh and me because dad went to bed. It was grueling work because my body was already exhausted from shopping all day and I had to hold my arms above my head for extended periods of time. My heels were in excruciating pain but we finally finished half of the playyard at about 1230 only to find out the other tulle we bought was the wrong stuff. It was too small to have it folded over to keep the sides secure and wasn't long enough to reach both ends of the other tulle so we had to give up for the night which actually pissed me off more than finishing it would have probably. I ended up only going to sleep at 5 am and waking up at about 9 on Tuesday but it was a nice cool day so I took Miss Phyre out for another walk and while we walked I typed up the previous Tumblr post. When I was ready to go inside and take a break from reliving the shit that happened I saved it to drafts so I could finish it later and brought Miss Phyre inside. Then I realized that it didn't actually save it and I had another breakdown but not nearly as intense as Sunday. It didn't help that the therapy coordinator never actually called me. I got a call from a bit for Intermountain that asked a bunch of questions like do I understand my discharge orders am I feeling safe did I get medication and do I understand how to take the medication and I had to hit 1 for yes 2 for no and 3 for unsure and one of the questions was like am I still feeling like I'm in a crisis or something and I had to hit 1 three times because it just wouldn't register it and that pissed me off and made me mad that it was automated and they didn't even bother to have areal human call and talk to me. After every question I answered basically they said were sorry to hear that well have a nurse follow up with you later today. I ignored both calls from the nurse because I just didn't have the energy to deal with it after the Tumblr thing. Like I wasted so much energy just typing it out and what little I had left just instantly sapped after I realized it was gone. The second voicemail the nurse left mentioned that it would be the last time trying to get into contact with me but also that our insurance has mental health advocates so thats something I need to look into.

Eventually Cavell told my dad that I needed to be watched I guess and since dad was still at work and mom had just left to take aidrian back home mandi came downstairs and spent time with me. Cavell told my sad that I needed to eat so he texted mandi to make sure I ate something and we went upstairs and made pizza and waited for dad to come home. After that we had to wait for mom and Karleigh to get back so we could go back to Joanne's to get the right tulle and while we were there I bought some double pointed needles so I could make some wrist warmers to hide the scratches. I also wrapped them up which just made it seem way more serious than it was since they were too close for bandaids to work right I had to use gauze and ace wrap.

We thankfully didn't finish the playyard yesterday we're supposed to some time today but hopefully I'll be asleep before then.

I also left the access center a review since they only had two. One one star review that was basically my experience and one five star with no description from an account that only gives 5 star reviews and seems like a bot.

Nemo wanted me to call the center for evidence based treatment last night because Google said they closed at 7 but when I called they closed at 5 so I called today instrad and nobody answered so I filled out their online form and I just got the response email from them so I'm going to hopefully get better soon I guess.

Love you always.