#honestly. transitioning... making the decision to pursue the future that i ached for. has been. like a crowbar.

[silvaurum]

#being in touch with yourself and your desires is one of life's great pleasures #it is noble and valuable work to spend time on and it makes you a better friend/lover/parent/child/community member #it is not inherently narcissistic or selfish #but even beyond all that. you are allowed to partake in life's pleasures and the quest for self-knowledge is one of them!

ive read a lot of anti-transition arguments towards people unsure about their gender that basically pose any sort of internal exploration as inherently solipsistic and narcissistic, with the mantra being that to think about your relationship to your assigned sex is already thinking too much; you should be thinking less! go get a job! work with your hands! volunteer for the needy! get involved in your local church! pray! marry! start a family! keep yourself busy, so you can never think about yourself again. maybe if you fill your mind with enough noise, you can drown your own conscience out.

im 100% not exaggerating btw, it's actually kind of madness inducing w how many times ive seen people use this mode of argument, it's extremely common. i think ive seen conversion therapy resources use a similar line of reasoning too. and like, if you are a cis person just trying to keep a closeted tranny in the closet, it works like a charm. you can, in fact, drown a person with enough noise and garbage until they stop thinking about their gender dysphoria or, well, anything. all the better that "i saw the tv glow" addresses it head on in relation to the closeted subject in question; yeah, go ahead, do it. you might be trans, you might actually be in serious danger, but it won't hurt if you don't think. and it will work for you, for years and years, and you'll always find more responsibilities and more opportunities to muffle your thoughts. but, maybe 5, 10, 20 years from now, none of the noise will be enough and it will dawn on you, how seriously in danger you actually are - but by that point you've drowned out your own inner conscience so aggressively that there's nothing there, just more of the static and noise of others and no interiority left to seek refuge in. you've got a job, you've buried yourself in work, you've married and have a family; you've given every part of yourself to others just to preclude the possibility of thinking about yourself, for yourself, and now there's no you.

[josephkwak]

Dear Future Self and Wife..

June 6, 2017 || January 29, 2019 (Updated filings italicized) 

12:23 AM 새벽

Tuesday. Post-breakup depression, despair, prayer, suicidal thoughts, and reflection.

As I read my posts that I wrote in the past few years, I am reminded of a few things.

1. My struggles and sin are constantly the same

2. God is so faithful that when I look back, it was, is, and will continually be His Grace leading me.

3. I’ve experienced a lot of growth in the midst of my pain. It was through those pains where I was able to grow.

Two years ago, right after I graduated Wheaton, I wrote a prayer to God. Looking back on it today, God literally answered all of them... I instantly cried as I realized this and was in awe... 

Right now, my hurt is aching. I don’t feel the same kind of utter despair and hopelessness that I felt when I broke up with Juyun, but I still feel really sad. I saw her today and it was super, super awkward. 

Looking back, this is so pathetic. Yes, at the time I felt really sad, but she really was not the right person for me. 

Let me elaborate. On one hand, I know why we had to break up. I wasn’t ready spiritually, and with me going back to America and making stupid decisions, she couldn’t trust me. She gave me several chances, but I failed to meet her expectations. It still blindsided me. But, at the end of the day, I realize that sin has definitive consequences.

Sin definitely does have consequences. They really spread out like a virus and if you don’t get rid of it, it latches on to so many different parts of your life. That being said, she was someone who victimized herself, was passive aggressive, and I always had to please her. It felt like I was trying to be someone who I wasn’t, and it was so hard. It was forced. Not only did I fail to meet her expectations, but she failed to meet mine. It wasn’t so much that I failed to meet her expectations. As the relationship continued, I just didn’t try as hard as my heart for her was not based on any sort of serious commitment but shallow emotion. Now that I think about it, I didn’t meet her expectations because it forced me to be someone that I wasn’t. 

On the other hand, I have rage inside of me towards her. I poured out so much to her, was by her side when she needed me, and when I needed her the most, and reached out to her to pray for me because of my struggles, she responded so coldly and, honestly, I don’t think I can get over that. That really hurts, super deep. 

Even looking at this, it rings so much truth. 100%. I should have been done with her here and then because of two things 1) This clearly showed that I wasn’t ready for a relationship, and 2) Her response showed her heart for me.

For me, love is about covering each other’s faults and constantly helping each other no matter how deep of a crack that person has fallen into. You are there for that person no matter what. And if that person needs you, you are the first one there even before they ask you to be there. You don’t judge them, you just comfort them and shower them with love before you rebuke them and stuff. I know that I am capable of providing that, but my past two relationships have shown me that that may not be the case for other people. This time, I just felt betrayed.. I felt so sad. I realized that in my own struggle and sin, I did some things that were really stupid, but having my girlfriend not be by my side and just basically not talk to me and avoid me was really difficult. 

HOLY..... BRAIRIE IS THE ONE!!!

I really really pray that my wife may have a heart bigger than mine. 풍선한 마음.

To my future Joseph.

May you never ever forget one of the 13 most important words in your life.

“All I want / All I need / Is more of you / Less of me.”

May you overcome your struggles for good, and be a warrior for God who is steadfast. Don’t go out of control. My Jo. You will continue to face tremendous difficulties and hardships in the future. Never lose sight and focus of God, no matter how hopeless the situation may feel. Please Jo. God is ALWAYS with you. Right now, as you are writing this in your despair. In the future, when you read it, and forever more.

Love your immediate family. Like John Piper said, we may live for one more hour, or for decades. As you go back, please love them and do NOT be selfish. Love your mom, dad, and Josh. And take care of them.

Lord, please provide as I transition back to Los Angeles this upcoming year. Please let me love my kids while I am here and maximize my time while I am in Korea, but as I am here, please give me YOUR vision and YOUR will for what you want me to pursue when I go back home.

Joseph Kwak. Leave an amazing legacy at Soojung. Be kind to everyone - everyone. Don’t seek for the perfect one.  Be the perfect one.

Be a blessing to others, and never settle.

Lord, my love for you is so lacking. Lord, help me realize that You are ALWAYS with me. Lord, please heal my mother, for she is sick. Let her find a cure so that she will be healed completely. Lord, please provide for her, and be with her. Be also with my dad. Let him come to faith in You. Let him worship you like King David did. Touch his heart, and protect him physically, spiritually, and mentally. Help his business thrive, and keep him and his workers safe. Be the pillar of our household. Guide us in your faith. Be with Josh and his direction in life. Let him never lose sight of You, and be glorified in his weakness. Use his weakness in an amazing way Lord, and surround him with people who will bless him. Continue to teach him Your ways, and Your love. Be with him especially as he goes to Hawaii for missions this summer. Guide his team, and let them be a profound impact on the students there, and let them be mad blessed in return.

To my future wife:

Hello there, beautiful. I don’t know your name, but this is my tumblr. It’s very personal and I don’t think anyone knows about it except for my art 101 prof. in Wheaton my freshman year (Dr. Milliner!) Haha :D

HER NAME IS 이브엘!! VIEL LEE. BRAIRIE. BABY. BABE. LOVE. And my all time favorite, Beersheba. 

As you read it by yourself, or as we read it together, I hope that it provides a window into my life and helps you understand more about me and my life during my early to mid twenties. It is in no way a comprehensive look, but snippets of it. They are deep, raw, and uncensored memories of joy, pain, guilt, and whatever else I wrote.

Future wife. I wonder if there were times when you thought about your future husband, and wonder if we were thinking about each other at the same exact time. Wouldn’t that be crazy? Like a romance movie or star-crossed lovers? Haha well its 12:52 AM right now June 6th, 2017 so maybe there is a chance you wrote down this as well in your diary (fingers crossed!). 

Anyways, I just want to start off by telling you that I don’t deserve you. I am broken beyond repair. I am hard to deal with, stubborn, messy, unorganized, and so many other things. I lack in a lot of areas, and there are some things about me that I am really ashamed about. But luckily, Jesus saved me from death when I was 15. I met the Lord on the early morning of July 5th, 2008, and from then I haven’t looked back. It’s been one heck of a ride, one that was marked by many downfalls and struggles, but God has never let go of me, and that is why I still stand.

Thank you for welcoming me in your life, and for taking on this life-long adventure with this silly monkey. I hope you are ready to share our lives together into one, and love each other as Christ has shown. May He be the pillar of our family, the center of our relationship, and in response, may we really surrender before God and live lives that are holy and fearful of God. May we cover each other when we go through difficulties, and be there for each other when we are struggling. When I am struggling, may you strengthen me, encourage me, pray for me, and lead me back to Christ; when you are struggling, may I protect you, guide you, serve you, carry your burden, pray for you, and lead you back to Christ.

May our love for Jesus surpass our love for each other, and may we live lives marked by servanthood. May we lay down our idols, our goals, our wills, and serve the kingdom of God. For Christ and His Kingdom.

My darling, my sweetheart. There are so many words that I want to share, but I’ll save that for later. 

I love you Jesus. I love you future wife. All thanks and glory be to God the Father, God the Son, and God the Spirit.  <3