#honestly. its been 4 years and Bill still so important in my life as weird as it sounds

[jaskersneakthief]

The bond between a mentally ill closeted transmasc and his triangle is indescribable

[christmasintheloonybin]

thought about engaging in consumerism this black Friday because I have wanted to buy a pair of black jeans for a long time (sad, impoverished life where I have to think long and hard before buying one pair of jeans but oh well). something about a deal actually repulses me I don't know why. I feel manipulated or something. it makes me want to buy a pair of jeans less. maybe growing up poor and resenting it, I despise a handout, I know a handout and a bargain are not the same thing, but I feel as if I cannot go through with buying a pair of jeans DISCOUNTED with my dignity intact. I would rather pay full price just to avoid feeling manipulated.

being broke has been good for me though, I realize all I really need in life is enough money for cigarettes. as long as I have cigarette money I am happy. small pleasure that goes a long way. I am cheap as hell when I'm broke, when I have money I am actually quite generous, I genuinely enjoy taking people out to eat buying things for people I like etc. not just with women its not a chauvinist thing. just people I like. but in general some part of me does feel ashamed and emasculated when I'm with someone, especially a woman, at a restaurant and I don't pay for the bill. I understand the arguing thing because it's genuinely humiliating. being broke I have also learned an important skill - going into a store without buying anything. I hate to be "that guy" in book stores or record stores especially, who go in for the vibes or to be seen there without actually sort of paying your dues. its disgusting! especially because these are niche and honestly irrelevant markets, so if you want to have book stores to stroll through and feel cultured at in the future, you better pitch in to keep them alive. but this is an important skill I believe still, to say "I don't really need this." and I realize, again, that I really need very little. just cigarettes. and food ideally. I'd choose cigarettes over food, though.

all this being said, i have a promising lead at a bakery, I just need to sort some things out with the community college I plan on attending first, lol. I think it would be nice to work at a bakery, even though it involves getting up obscenely early, I can't sleep and I wake up at around 5:00 anyways, so 3:00 or 4:00 wouldn't be a severe adjustment. it would prohibit me from staying up late but I have no social life so it makes no difference to me.

community college, I am obviously not super stoked about. but I already did a year, right after I graduated high school, and they have a program in place for transfers to the local university that everyone goes to, it's informally called "grade 13" because just about everyone goes there after high school, like as a default. I don't particularly care where I go, maybe I could transfer to a college somewhere else in the country, this might be a good idea, but the local college town is relatively close to where I live, I am familiar with the area, it's just more comfortable than if I packed up and moved to California or Texas or something. lol. but maybe that would be good for me. community college, depressing but probably a good halfway point between the proletarian and bourgeois worlds. if I went straight into regular university, with all these fucking teenagers I think it would be a very alienating experience. if I can ease my way in, it will still be strange when I'm in classes with people four or five years younger than me, but at least I'll be slightly more acclimated and I can just do my own thing. also I look young, so it's not that weird. my problem is more idiot kids who think they know everything. it's funny seeing young people now, I mean even like 20 year olds. they think they know everything but they're just kids. because I can remember being like 15 and thinking I knew it all. like I had everything figured out. just a product of aging I guess. of course, I have always felt this way and disavow my former self as an idiot, but the pattern continues, I'm sure in a year I'll think about the things I thought now and be embarrassed. this is life!

[forestwater87]

I'm screaming. I just realized this was the legendary Forest Water from Ao3, the creator of the fandom last names Santos and Greenwood, and I didn't know all this time?! What?! I can't actually believe it. Your stuff is legendary! I really enjoy your fanfiction, and you're a great creator. Any advice for a fanfic writer who starts to write a Gwenvid longfic? Any tips on how to become a sucessful fandom memeber? Sorry this is so long, I just really enjoy your work!

These two happened to dovetail really nicely, so I wanted to respond to them in a single (very long) post. I’ve talked a little about getting started writing in the past, but specifically about writing Gwenvid? That’s a little different, and interesting to explore.

I think, anyway. But I always find Gwenvid interesting.

1. Thank you! 

I don’t consider myself especially famous or special -- certainly not anymore, when my updates to my flagship fic are annual at best -- so it’s a little weird that there are people looking at me like that. However, it’s also really touching and encouraging, so I’m at a loss for words. Not sure how to respond to such kind comments, so . . . you know, thanks.

2. Writing Gwenvid -- especially longfic

Here’s the thing: There isn’t a single fic I’ve written that I expected to become long. The first “Tigger & Eeyore” was supposed to be like 5 chapters and then ballooned into 14 and a sequel (which it’s now looking like is going to explode into its own sequel, so yikes). 

There’s a reason they’re called plotbunnies: they multiply like crazy. So if you have a single-shot idea or shortfic that you’re not sure will have legs, just start writing it. It might end up wrapping up rather quickly and you can move on to the next idea without it hanging over your head, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it becomes something much larger totally organically.

Also, keep your plots kind of . . . vague? At least, in my experience I’ve found that helps. A generic idea of the world you want to build and a couple set pieces (i.e., major conflicts or story beats) gives you room to play around without pressure to make it “add up to” something. I’ve never written a fic that had a story in the first 4-5 chapters, and that’s how I like it. It’ll . . . just sort of materialize, while you’re exploring the world.

I mean, if you want to write a tightly-paced epic with a twisty, intricate plot, then you’re going to want to find an author who does that sort of thing. My stories tend to be a lot more meandering.

OH! Also get really flowery with your language. Eats up word counts like Wheaties.

Okay, but Gwenvid specifically: if you want to be mostly canon-compliant, the big thing is that we only see them in the context of this one improbably long summer. There are years of story before and after that point that we’ll never get to see, and I think it’s really interesting. (Especially the before part; I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone write a “prequel” to Camp Camp, but how fun is that idea???) When it comes to “fill in the blanks” fanfic writing, it’s really nice to have a story, relationship, and world with so many blanks. There’s a lot you can do just by writing about what they’re up to the rest of the year.

As for AUs: go nuts. Fucking go wild, you funky lil person. Groundhog Day. Ghostbusters. Lost in Translation. Movies that don’t star Bill Murray, probably. Find a straight couple and make them Gwenvid, and go goddamn bonkers with the possibilities. Find a world with Gwenvid-like characters and make them Gwenvid. The possibilities are literally endless. 

3. Fandom engagement and being a BNF

Huh. Not sure where to go with this one.

Like I said, I don’t consider myself much of a BNF (that’s “big-name fan,” for those of you who might have a life outside of tumblr) -- certainly not anymore. And honestly, becoming “popular” in this economy fandom isn’t . . . necessarily going to be super easy.

I mean, don’t get me wrong! The fandom isn’t dead by any means; people are still writing, and still being read. But if you look at the track record over time:

Average kudos counts of Forestwater’s fics by year:

2016: 574

2017: 277

2018: 79

2019: 60

2020: 50

(if you ever wondered why I had a serious emotional crisis about the quality of my writing and general popularity in 2018 and 2019, that drop should tell you a lot)

Now, some of this is certainly my fault. The most important thing when it comes to fandom success is engagement: the more you write, the more attention you’re going to get. If you can stick to a regular update schedule, you’re going to be on the front page and in the top of the tags, and people will see your stuff and be more likely to read it. And attention is self-generating, because the more kudos and hits you have, the more people are going to check out your work just to see what the big deal is. So getting laid off and deeply depressed, then not updating at a time when the fandom was already beginning a pretty steady downward trajectory anyway . . . was not my best move in terms of relevance.

And engagement doesn’t necessarily have to mean updates, by the way! (Though you should update regularly if you want the attention.) Sharing headcanons, answering asks, starting fandom drama and ship wars . . . that’s all the kind of thing that establishes you as an authority; even if people think you’re wrong, they’ll think you’re someone whose opinion is worth disagreeing with, if they see you mouthing off in the tags enough. 

I’m not confident this is a good call, but Snowqueens Icedragon didn’t get massive fandom success by not starting flame wars, is all I’m saying. 

If you have the spoons to answer questions, people will want to ask them. No one wants to talk to someone who won’t reply to them. The most popular artists and authors are always going to be the ones who interact with the fandom the most. Higher output, more attention, more praise. I’m not saying it’s fair -- in fact, it very well might not be -- but that’s the nature of the beast.

Also, play to the fandom. Camp Camp fans want to see dadvid. They want to see dan/vid. They want to see Max-centric content, and they probably want it to be angsty. They want to see self-inserts dating David. If you can give them some of that stuff (none of which is inherently bad, to be clear, nor is it inherently good; it’s just what’s popular, and tbh if you can cram it all in one fic that’d be amazing), you have the benefit of giving people exactly what they want. 

To be clear, don’t write about things that don’t inspire you; aside from it being a soul-crushing endeavor, it’s noticeable when someone’s heart just isn’t in it, and it’s even harder to keep those regular updates. But if the things you’re passionate about happen to be the things the fandom really wants to see at the moment, then you’re much closer to riding the kudos train, my friendo.

But here’s the thing: even if you do everything right, you might still get screwed.

Some of this is just due to the fact that Camp Camp is always a dead fandom in the off-seasons, and we don’t know how long this current off-season is going to last. Hell, we don’t have to look at me for this:

This is “How to Foster an Asshole” by emiartse. It’s one of the fandom’s most popular fics, with a whopping 962 kudos. Hot damn, look at that engagement. That’s a fucking fic right there!

This is the sequel, which has 122 kudos. Nothing to sneeze at, to be sure -- I think we’d all be delighted to have 122 kudos -- but even the general tendency of sequels to have less attention than a series debut doesn’t entirely explain such a precipitous drop. And emiartse is doing everything right! This is dadvid! And momgwen! It’s just as well-written as the first; it’s not like we suddenly experience a decrease in quality or anything. It came right on the heels of the first one ending, and the updates have been more or less like clockwork, in keeping with the previous story.

So what changed?

Well, HTFAA was first published in 2019, right on the heels of Season 4′s finale and when fandom hype was pretty high. HTAAA was published in September 2020, during this whole “world pandemic and every political disaster all at once” thing that’s got us all fucked up -- and especially, during a period where we all knew Camp Camp wasn’t coming back for the year, and maybe not ever.

It’s . . . not a great time to be a writer for Camp Camp if your goal is popularity. I mean, it’s never a great time to be a writer if your goal is popularity -- consider the tragic difference in notes between ellohcee’s gorgeous art and their equally-excellent writing just for comparison -- but it’s especially tough now. If you really want to be a huge name in the fandom, my suggestion is to travel back in time to 2016 and establish yourself as the pioneer of something (seriously, it can be anything; there was basically nothing in the fandom at that time. Every idea was a new one). 

So . . . what do we do when we can’t be popular? Maybe you don’t want to chain yourself to a strict update schedule, or write the twelve-thousandth iteration of the most popular fandom tropes, or you exist in 2021 when everything is terrible and no one cares about a web cartoon series. What happens then?

4. Do it anyway.

I know, I know -- that sounds hella cheesy. “Write because you love it, not for attention” is one of those statements that everyone rolls their eyes at, because seriously? Please. What’s even the point of sharing something you write if no one reads it?

Well . . . because you made it. Because it’s something that wouldn’t exist without you, and because even though there are such a tiny number of readers in a very small, very dead fandom -- those people still exist. And seeing what you wrote will make them happy. And if they have the spoons, they’ll let you know that you made them happy, which will make you happy.

I haven’t updated my major fic in a year -- haven’t updated any writing in several months. But what keeps me going is the excitement that my ideas bring me, and the pride I feel in watching them come to life. It’s like giving a gift to someone; I get really nervous and giddy whenever I post a sentence.

And does it suck when it feels like your present goes unappreciated? Yeah. If you write the first chapter of your awesome long-form Gwenvid fic and it gets like 5 or 3 or even zero notes, that’s a huge bummer. That hurts a lot, and it can crush your self-esteem worse than even the most vicious hate. But your fic isn’t going to just be around for the few hours or days that you’re watching the engagement. It’s going to be there, growing as you update it or just sitting happily in its tags, and someone is going to find it.

Your story is going to be someone’s favorite fic. I promise. 

And hell, let’s make it my favorite fic! 

If you post something -- you know what, even if you post something in a trope or ship I hate, or a fandom I’m not in, doesn’t even have to just be Camp Camp; times are hard right now and we gotta support each other -- send me the link in a personal message. (Don’t tag me, I won’t see it. I never see anything on this terrible, terrible site.) I’ll like it; I’ll give it kudos. I’ll probably even share it*, because we’re going through the lean times in this fandom. And we’re writers, so the lean times are extra lean; it’s the bone-and-dust times. 

*Okay, but I reserve the right to not support someone’s work that makes me very uncomfortable. I’ll share things I don’t personally stan, but I’m not gonna platform your “why Hitler was good, actually” essay disguised as a fanfic or anything. My 6 followers deserve better.

Write something that excites you, and then tell me about it. If you need help brainstorming, tell me about that too. 

I might not have the spoons to keep this up for a prolonged period of time, but I’ll do what I can and you’ll do what you can and together we’ll . . . idk, do something. I’m losing the thread of my great inspirational speech here.

Uhhhh TL;DR let’s just do the dang thing. If we fail we all fail together. Yay team!

[gravelgirty]

Hi could you talk more about caves what you said on that post is really interesting

Sure thing!

First of all, it was an amazing cave I worked in. You never forget that. I'll pick one of my favorite topics,

the FALLOUT SHELTER AGGRAVATION TAX.

Clears throat.

Limestone caves are literally stone libraries in the geologic record of the world. Twice a year the airflow would change and then you'd smell smoke from decrepit old torches dating as far back as 1812. People made saltpeter in these caves, they were natural mines for things that went boom, and one of those 'requirements' meant airflow so you wouldn't suddenly and embarrassingly, drop dead of too much Underground. This is why the coal miners were eternally bemused and asking us questions like airflow. Sometimes you gotta canary. Sometimes you are the canary. This often led to predictable questions that was these old gents trying to be polite, but what they really wanted to know was,

'why the hell are you being paid $10 a trip plus tips to walk us 1.1 miles underground up to 3 times a day and no one has a mortgage gun aimed at your head?'

To which I would say, 'it wasn't quite that bad. If no one shows up at all we get paid $10.' ...Dear Saint Barbara, Chango, and the Gods of Deep Mystery, the things we tell ourselves. $10 a day. Crap. Thank goodness I had Granny's House, dad was paying the property tax, the water was on a well, and garbage was less that $20 a month. A shame we can't afford a TV, but hey, we can stay busy digging up that quarter-acre garden that will keep us fed plus the road kill Deer in the fall.

But the conditions that created saltpeter (I'll go into depth on that later if people are interested) also convinced some weird-ass people in Washington DC that caves were the perfect place to do a DR STRANGELOVE and people could go hide out in the caves, free of...well, nothing, really, because radiation = straight lines +caves, air, irradiated air and water, and everything goes down into the caves...

Look. It made people feel safe, ok? And it wasn't the worst decision the Pentagon ever made, considering they were telling the scientists working with HOT RADIOACTIVE MATTER to stay safe by sticking the stuff on a long pole so they wouldn't have to touch it.

Everybody knows about the bomb shelter President Kennedy was prepared to run to with his family in case of Cold War. It was in the Greenbrier Resort in White Sulphur Springs (I prefer to think of it as the HIDDEN FIGURES birthplace). FYI everybody who lived here knew where it was. There are only so many power stations one measly little resort that cries that it can't afford to pay for its own water bill can keep.

[insert sniffle boohoo sobbing of the pro-confederates who run that place and while I can't be there for you, try to imagine the joy I am stockpiling for the day when we have another traitorous uprising and this time, the resort doesn't get a GO PASS GO by dangerous romantics and is finally burned to the ground.]

Anyway, the important people like the President, his family, his Secret Service, his staff, cook, maid-in-waiting, bootblack and et al got to go bunker down in the luxurious bomb shelter at the resort, which probably wouldn't be very resort-y after a certain point of Castro going, 'fuck you, you whippersnapper Irish Dog' or Khrushchev throwing a little more than his shoe around. I'm not convinced it was that great of a place to hide, really. I mean...they have lightning rods on the trees over there, and believe it or not, cavers in that country have been hit by lightning while underground. Because. Lightning. If it can bake entire acres of potatoes in the field, two subterranean surveyors with metal measuring tape haven't got a prayer.

I want you to know that I can't at this point go into detail (space restrictions) on the importance of all these caves to Union Sympathizers, slaves on the Underground Railroad, and the Far-Righter MAGAS called Confederates. Trust me when I say, if you didn't know where these caves were, you had absolutely no right to know.

In Appalachia, limestone caves were listed on properties and handed down because of their value. Thomas Jefferson made a point of making sure there were lots of caves to provide nitre for the Gunpowder Committee. I don't know if landowners had to pay taxes for having saltpeter caves (probably), but when the Cold War came around, they definitely and cheerfully sold the access rights to the government because...it was the government. I am not in the least bit joking when I tell you there are people over there who are still pissed off over George Washington's Whiskey Rebellion.

If you really want to get into the psyche of Appalachians, go read up every scene Terry Pratchett ever wrote about Lancre in his Discworld books. Just give them more libraries and a LOT of coffee stations.

Oh, dear. I forgot all about the owling and the Prohibition.

Owling = the practice of moving your herds of cattle from one ridge to the next to avoid a higher payment when the taxman came a-calling.

Prohibition = The Second Oldest Profession.

These days, many of the Fallout Shelter caves are being used for...modern needs. Meth labs, if you're a sensationalist, but if you aren't, bear in mind that hiding out stolen cattle and horses still requires big places out in the middle of nowhere. But when Mr. Gov't Man came around and offered cash for the access rights to grand-daddy's old saltpetre cave? Goodness gracious, we know we aren't supposed to take people's money from them because that's a sin, but...taxes...you know how it is... (most of the mountain folk had no real quarrel with Kennedy despite his heathen dog Catholicism because it wasn't his fault he was brought up Catholic, but when it came to the government...well, it was the principle of the thing).

In short order papers were drawn, and shelters were built and good god, they were ugly. Clapboard shantytowns, I swear. They were stockpiles whacked together with off-brand plank and tenpenny nails for where the selected few could bunker up in the cozy, damp, dripping, chilly, dusty, sneezy, probably-warm-from-stray-radiation environs. I have no idea who the Pentagon hated enough that they would send them to these caves. They had a bottleneck opening for easy defense, yes, but there was no defense against puking yourself to death or accidentally taking off your own skin with your uniform at the end of your shift.

YOU THINK I"M KIDDING?? YOU THINK IT IS A COINCIDENCE THAT CLASSIC DR WHO SHOWS DALEK HISTORY IN AN OLD STONE QUARRY? WELCOME ABOARD!

A fallout shelter's stockpile generally consisted of

*High-quality medical equipment, even though some of that stuff had a shelf life of three minutes.

*Radio Equipment. Which was probably a real belly laugh to the folks running the NARO satellite dishes up in Green Bank, because families in the most rural portion of WV (Pocahontas County) spent their evenings parsing Latin and teaching the young lads and lasses the wonders of shortwave and how to rig up your own crystals in case you needed to jackleg your own.

*Food. God. Awful. Food. It was designed to keep you alive, but you can't say anything more charitable about it. Honestly, I'm surprised nobody tried to corner a government contract on dehydrated water.

*Water. Potable water for drinking, but, I should say, I couldn't find any means with which you could make a potable distillery. Or, how much of this potable water was going to be used to rehydrate the ghastly awfulness of the dehydrated food, or the canned goods that included stuff the military couldn't wait to forget. Go ask your grandparents how much canned horse Circa WWII they ate while they served, m'kay?

*Candy. High energy, easily digestible candy. Flavor optional, at the discretion of the same government that made the WWII Chocolate Bar.

*The containers themselves. Yep, they counted. They were heavy metal barrels and tough buckets or small drums, plus the amazingly dense metal and plastic containers for medical kits, candy, and misc. I'm not sure if they had a requirement other than impervious, waterproof, and on sale. In fact, the smaller drums/buckets were supposed to be lined with the plastic used to wrap the other goods, and convert into a toilet.

Cold War comes and goes. I'm sure what happened next is shocking:

1) medical supplies goes missing in the dead of night.

2) Electronics follows. That probably makes the electricians feel good, because...what good would they have done in the wet, dust-filled atmosphere of the caves?

3) Candy. Candy, did you say? I don't remember seeing any candy..?

4) The gradual disappearance of the food rations is mysteriously in proportion to camping trips multitasking with double-dog-dares. Who needs a frat pledge if Freckles here has never been introduced to the joys of Dehydrated Ketchup?

5) If you think the backyard blacksmiths are making forges with tire rims, do you think metal containers stand a chance?

This leaves the barrels of water, but who would want to drink that stuff? It's been sitting around for how long? Ew. And the boards for those shelters...cripes.

This inadvertently makes up a tiny little side bonus for the hard-working tour guide. Because these shelters are usually ridiculously close to the entrance of the tour caves. You have to take your tour group in stages, see, and once they finish gasping and wheezing their way through the first 300 steps, you have to take their minds off how miserable they are and pause at the shelter with your flashlight, and describe this little chapter of history. By this time the bats are hanging off the boards (your chance to remind them of the exorbitant federal fines for hurting these little mosquito-hunters), the occasional lost salamander, and the beginnings of the Dreaded Cave Cricket (ten minutes with these little monsters and you'll never think pink is an effete color ever again).

And the mold. There are patches of mold the guides have been watching for YEARS. Some of them have even bothered to look them up, because...tourists. They love to stump the guides and use it as an excuse for not tipping you because you haven't taken a Master's in The Encompassing Topic of Karst Everything and are clearly a dumbass, hah-hah I'll spend my money in the overpriced gift shop, peasant.

But no, folks. If you ask them one more damn time if they're sure all the candy and drugs are gone...we're too tired to take your bleeping bleep bleep tip anyway.

[kinetic-elaboration]

December 10: Endings

The posts that have been going around about all these bad, nonsensical, random tv endings we’ve been seeing recently (GOT, T100, SPN), have made me think about what makes a good television ending in my opinion.

I admit that concluding a series is probably quite tricky because most shows, if they’re not miniseries, are conceived without a known end point in mind. A show runner can build an idea around a 5-season arc, but he might not actually get 5 seasons. He might only get 1. Or he might get 10, if the show is popular. So unlike a movie or a novel, the first episodes need to set up a general premise, a universe, a theme, but not necessarily a specific plot with X number of specific plot points leading to a pre-ordained conclusion. There has to be a flexibility to the narrative. But when the whole thing is completed, it should feel, ideally, as if it WAS pre-ordained, as if the show was always meant to have as many seasons as it got and was working toward its conclusion the whole time.

So, roughly, I think shows that stick the landing do so because the showrunner knows what the show is, at its core, about, and crafts a finale that relates to the central theme(s) and brings the main narrative to a logical and emotionally resonant conclusion. 

This is very rough and very general, and it’s a formula that applies more to some shows than others. TV is incredibly varied after all. I mean, first off, not all shows know their last season is their last season going in. You can’t judge the final episodes of, to use two examples of shows I liked that were unceremoniously axed recently, The Society or Altered Carbon as “finale episodes” because they were never meant to be finales. Then you have a show like My So-Called Life, which does have a Classic ending, despite ending all too soon--mostly because every episode of that show was classic, and it only had one season, so its season finale being a fitting ending to the season automatically means its series finale was a fitting ending to the series.

(It’s such an outlier that I can’t really compare it to anything but honestly--this is how to do an open-ended cliffhanger and still make it feel like a conclusion. But that’s a whole different post.)

My formula above also doesn’t apply well to sitcoms, because they aren’t really about anything, in terms of plot. Like the name says, they set up situations: a group of people who are family, co-workers, friends, and then lets those situations play out in a funny manner for as long as there are jokes to tell. Sitcoms to me end well if they don’t overstay their welcome, if they remain true to the characters (because it’s the characters, not the minimal narrative, that defines the show), and if they hit an appropriate ‘ending’ tone. But the biggest thing for me is if the sitcom went on for too many seasons. Even if the final episode isn’t the greatest, it’s fine. But if the last 2-4 seasons were lackluster, it tarnishes the whole legacy.

‘Procedural’ type shows are yet another category, and I’m not entirely sure how to characterize those, or what makes a strong ending for that sub-genre. I’m using ‘procedural’ broadly to include, like, Bad Guy of the Week type shows--for example, Charmed, which I thought should have ended after S7. Again, I think it’s about not letting the whole thing go on too long, and then staying true to characters and tone in the finale itself.

So looking just at dramas that have a season’s warning before their finale--which, really, are the type of shows that are most likely to make people ANGRY with shitty endings, because they lure the viewer in with the idea that a singular, coherent story is being told. Maybe it’s convoluted. Maybe it’s winding. Maybe it’s hard to tell where they’re going with this. But if it all comes together in the end, none of that matters--and if it doesn’t come together, what was the point of all the seasons that came before? It becomes, retroactively, a betrayal.

The more plot-driven the show (if it has a mystery, a conspiracy theory, a quest), the greater the betrayal if all fizzles out. But I think the same feeling can arise from shoddy conclusions in dramas more generally. The L Word is one of my comfort shows but that last season is a MESS all the way down, the finale especially. There definitely wasn’t a point to anything, and it wasn’t even entertaining as, like, a dramatic soap.

But then I think about shows whose endings I really liked. For example, Six Feet Under had a great final season and one of the best finale episodes/ending sequences ever. The show up to that point had been about death, and that theme had always been centered most particularly on Nate: his fears of the family business, his previous brushes with death because of his AVM, etc. So of course the show had to end by killing one of its mains, coming full circle with the pilot, showing real grief hitting home--and of course Nate’s personal journey as the main character had to end with his death. Everything about the conclusion was fitting, not even counting the final montage.

I also really liked the conclusion of Big Love, for similar reasons: it was thoughtful, and it successfully teased out the main strands, both of plot and theme, that had run through the show up to that point. The most important thing had always been depicting this family, their problems but also their strength and their love for each other--so, as the showrunners said, it had to conclude by showing you that the family survives. They are strong, and their bonds endure. But the ending was, and had to be, bittersweet too, because anything less would seem to sweep under the rug the real tragedies of the last seasons. Not everyone gets happy endings. And the unhappy endings relate specifically to the toxic patriarchy that’s haunted all of the characters from the pilot. Alby has a chance to turn away from his father and the compound life--but the forces arrayed against him were too strong, so there was no deus ex machina for him, and he ultimately just became fully the evil villain. And Bill is taken out not by the state or by the compound but by an aggrieved man who feels he’s been emasculated, forgotten, who is raging against being so Unseen. What a way to make clear what the common denominator in all of the threats of the past 5 seasons has been.

I also give major points to shows whose finales feel like they’re trying, even if they’re imperfect, especially if the imperfections are because of factors outside the showrunner’s control. For example, I saw someone list Dollhouse as one of their ‘worst endings’ but I have to disagree. I like the ending of Dollhouse. It wasn’t supposed to be 2 seasons. That’s well known. But that’s how many seasons it got, and I think honestly they turned that into a plus rather than a minus. Dollhouse was its best when it was rushing to a conclusion, when it was fast-paced and exciting. Did it always make complete sense? No. Were there some pretty big holes in the plot? Yeah--S2′s Big Bad was absolutely and transparently a retcon instituted between S1 and S2 and I get that, and I forgive the show for that. I thought bifurcating the epilogue as two extra episodes after each of the two seasons was genius, and I liked that it allowed the show to have its cake and eat it too: a happy ending, with the main, immediate, singular Big Bad eliminated, at the end of S2, and a more bittersweet, more complicated, post-apoc ending in the bonus episode. Yeah, I can see the seams; I know there were a lot of constructed work arounds in there because the show was intended to be longer. I think the ending was presented in good faith.

I also, perhaps controversially, liked the ending of Veronica Mars (the original 3-season show; I didn’t see the reboot). The way the season aired was weird and didn’t do it any favors: having a long break before the last couple of episodes, which existed outside of the two Big Case arcs of S3, makes those final stories feel tacked on and random. Basically impossible to have a strong finish with that kind of structure. But the very end of the last ep had the bitter, dark feel of a noir, which is what the show was, a mash up of a noir and a high school drama. I liked that they leaned on the noir rather than the high school aspect, because it was the more creative way to go imo. Also, I appreciated that S3, in general, learned from S2′s mistakes. Yes, the college years are always going to be lackluster compared to high school, in any series that starts with its characters in high school. But VM recognized that no overarching mystery was going to compare to the Lilly Kane murder, so it split the Big Mystery into two Medium Sized mysteries, and I thought that was smart. All of which makes me inclined to think fondly of the conclusion. As with Dollhouse, its weakest points seem to be compromises it had to make, not really its fault but just an inevitable imperfection of the form.

It’s pretty easy to list aspects of a bad ending: a sense that events are arbitrary, a disrespect of characters, a rushed construction, a jarring tone, and most importantly a disconnect between the finale and what came before. If the show appeared to be a narrative (as opposed to a situation), but it doesn’t feel like a complete and coherent whole at the end, then the conclusion was bad.

I didn’t watch GOT or SPN and I stopped watching T100 at the end of S4 (though I do feel confident from tumblr that the ending was Bad), so I have somewhat of a hard time thinking of shows that I thought had really bad endings. I can think of dissatisfying endings that came from shows being cancelled without warning. I can think of shows that lasted too long in general or otherwise had fallen from their greatest heights by the time they limped to a conclusion (unpopular opinion: Friends fits in this category--that show should have been 4 seasons, maybe 5 tops; Boy Meets World and Dawson’s Creek are comfort show favorites of mine but they both should have ended with high school, like, pretty objectively speaking; iZombie started a slow downturn after S2 and by the end of S4 was kinda unwatchable. I literally stopped halfway through the finale.). I can even think of shows that lost me by the end even though objectively they probably had good endings (for example, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend--I couldn’t get through S4 and the finale sounded... technically well-constructed but like it would have driven me nuts).

But then I guess most shows with shitty finales technically had shitty last seasons in general. Truly notorious crash-and-burns don’t come out of nowhere. I mean I’m sure there are counter-examples to this (what’s that one with the kid and the snow globe lol?) but unless you try for a weird last-minute twist, or unless you’ve got your audience hoping against hope that an impossibly twisty story is actually very smart instead of very ill-planned, it’s generally clear before the last episode if a narrative has lost its way. I don’t tend to watch a lot of ‘twisty-turny conspiracy’ shows, and when I do I am supremely skeptical all the way through, so it’s hard for me to think of examples I’ve personally watched of a last minute “what the fuck was that” conclusion.

[96xie]

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

[doyoungdelrey]

all 85 pls

1. describe yourself.

a loud and annoying clown

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

Nova Scotia

3. do you have siblings?

Two younger sisters.

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

Big Dipper b/c its the only one I know.

5. favorite color.

Red, blue or green

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

K-pop, indie and classic pop/rock

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

Daisy, carnation, roses

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

A spell where I could redo the past.

9. favorite childhood memory.

When my youngest sister was born.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

yes. Too hard to explain.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

Filled with plants, painted a light grey and surrounded by photography with the sun coming through the window.

12. favorite animal.

Penguin and Cat

13. what was the last photo you took of?

A ceiling at the Frick.

14. do you believe in soul mates?

Yes, I live that there’s one for everyone.

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

Under?

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

Shake shack and cheese fries.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Ever since I was a kid, my mother has instilled that belief on us, so yes I believe this.

18. guilty pressures?

I think y’all mean guilty pleasures, so I admit I still watch Arthur (the one with the aardvark). Also, I admit I listen to Taylor swift and Camilla Cabello in occasional times of existential crises.

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

dragons. Idk why though.

20. something most people don’t know about you.

I met Andrew Garfield as I was walking home from school.

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

I lived in a well-to-do neighborhood with a lot of rich people even though we weren’t rich ourselves.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

No, now leave me alone.

23. what was your last google search?

Nova Scotia.

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

To not rush and trying not to be vulnerable.

25. would you relocate for love?

Yes.

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

I’m 20 and I STILL hold grudges; I need to stop.

27. favorite book.

Little women.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

I consider myself an introverted extrovert.

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

I did in like third grade. I wish I still did :(

30. top 5 favorite movies.

Jules et Jim, Amelie, CMBYN, The Social Network, Before Sunrise

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

Yes!

32. what is your greatest fear?

Dying and getting rejected.

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

I don’t drink.

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

Get my build a bears stolen and my parents yelling at me in the first grade for having them stolen.

35. do you believe in ghosts?

No???

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

I have the memory of an elephant but that means I’m clumsy AND I am lazy whilst holding grudges on people from three years ago.

37. should you split the dinner bill?

Yes.

38. are you a good liar?

No

39. what keeps you up at night?

My past and the future.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

Phone.

41. do you believe in god?

There is something up there, a spirit but not a being.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

Listen to music and write mediocre poetry.

43. what’s something that offends you?

44. favorite food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

Suho and his translator. He seems like someone who has a lot to tell..

46. when do you feel the most confident?

In theater class.

47. what do you do on your free time?

Listen to music, go on Tumblr/ig, write, read, sleep, watch TV

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

For someone who tends to hold grudges, no haha.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

yes, I had a friend’s older brother who had a crush on me and I rejected him because I thought he was too awkward. I regret it now.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

nope.

51. when are you happiest?

When I heat good food and listen to good music.

52. coffee or tea?

both.

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

My phone. Or my chanyeol pin.

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

The way they dress.

55. what is your favorite season, why?

Fall because I was born before halloween. I also love the autumn breeze.

56. what makes you laugh?

Anything and everything. I have terrible sense of humor lmao.

57. are you a clean or messy person?

both.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

Honesty and good communication.

59. what was your upcoming like?

I was raised partially by my grandmother. Once I was 5, I was raised by y mom. I was a troubled child, so she spent most of my childhood disciplining. Sometimes I want to tell berthings, but there are moments where I can’t say anything.

60. favorite holiday?

halloween. It is after my birthday.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

Put the money in a savings account, give some to charity then the rest to my parents and other family members (sisters, cousin who I think of as a younger sister)

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

Broccoli and Pepperoni. Or mushroom and sausage.

63. favorite outdoor activity.

Walking.

64. how are you? honestly.

I’m feeling good because I don’t have to worry about school for a week, but once I go back, I have to worry about finals, etc. I’m also worried about my future because IDK what to do after graduation.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

Stay at a resort, duh?!?!?

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

The mountains, specifically the Adirondacks.

67. favorite type of candy?

Snickers.

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

Confused and Thirsty Clown

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

You talking to me???

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

Build a Bears. They’re over-rated and over priced.

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

When a woman was telling her friend about her husband (the woman’s husband) cheating her while she was in the hospital for cancer treatment.

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

The ted bundy one on Netflix.

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

The bowl cut. Or my attempt of Wendy’s zimzalabim-era hair (minus the bangs. I still have this hair style)

74. what do you like to cook?

Roasted chicken and mashed potatoes.

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

A lion, when I went to animal kingdom.

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

The office. Stanley was and will be my favorite character.

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

Heart

78. what is your favorite quote?

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

On the kid who played saxophone and picked his nose in middle school. He admitted to having a crush on me in the 10th grade. He was so sweet, yet he weirded me out. I regret notating him though.

80. what’s your love language?

Food

81. do you ever feel alone?

Not gonna lie, I do. I have friends who have their soulmates, yet I don’t have mine. I also suck at making friends.

82. ever been bullied?

Yes. Too complicated to explain.

83. are you usually early or late?

Both

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

Like romantic/baroque art, or any paintings made after the 1300s. Mostly impressionism or dutch realism.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

Ways to be more organized

SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY TAMARA!!!

[lifestylejournaling]

Masterlist of Lifestyle Journal Ideas

I was going to post images with each listing, but 100 pictures on one Tumblr post was quite a task. So, if you’d like to see examples of any of these, I am adding them to my Pinterest Board which can be found [here].

1. Books To Read- Color them in as you go! Or make a fun list of them and check them off one at a time. 

2. All About Me- Make doodles of things you love, add quotes, draw yourself!

3. Future Log- There are so many ways to make this page. Please do some research to see which would work best for you

4. Movies To Watch- Pretty self-explanatory, but there are many ways to do this page too

5. Skills To Learn- Jot down all the things you want to learn

6. Important Numbers and Addresses- In case of emergency of course. Also, be careful what you put in this part for your own privacy reasons

7. Year In Pixels- Honestly, one of my favorite pages

8. Fonts, Banners, and Frame Ideas- For practice and to choose from when you are having trouble being creative

9. Snail Mail Log- Keeping a list of people who you want to send letters to

10. Savings Tracker- It’s always fun to see how much you have saved up

11. TV Series Tracker- Keep track of all the shows you still need to binge

12. Monthly Challenges- I know I haven’t been helpful with this lately, but you can always search for challenges on my page

13. Music Playlists- A list of songs that describe you, your goals, things you love, etc. 

14. Timeline of Your Life- This was hard for me to make. My life isn’t all that exciting

15. Inspiration Page- Fill it with quotes, pictures, memories, etc. 

16. Self-Care List/Ideas- I posted many lists like this on my Pinterest if you want more ideas

17. Monthly/Yearly Memories- Look back on all the good and bad things that you’ve gotten over and endured. 

18. Sleep Tracker- See how many hours you get each night. This also works well when paired with number 7. 

19. Me Time Log- Keep track of how many hours you spend with yourself. We all need to learn to love on ourselves a little more. 

20. Tiny Adventures- Go out of your comfort zone and go on some tiny adventures like reading in public, talking to a stranger, giving people compliments, etc. 

21. Word Tracker- For those who are writers who like to procrastinate

22. Daily To-Do List- This can be done on your weekly pages or you can make a page specifically for daily sticky notes. 

23. Blog Post Ideas- Got an idea, but you’re not at your computer or have what you need for your post? WRITE IT DOWN

24. Fitness Log- Keep track of how much and when you work out or stretch or do yoga or and of those fun physical activities. 

25. Food Log- If you’re trying to lose weight or just get healthy or just want to track your food intake for fun, this is for you! 

26. Meal Prep- I love how cute and helpful these pages can be. 

27. Gift Lists- Ever see something and say to yourself, “Man, ____ would really like that”? Keep a list of things people would like so that you don’t worry about it when it comes to holiday time or birthdays. 

28. Grocery Lists- Every time I go shopping, I forget something because I didn’t write it down. 

29. Goals- Oh, yes! It’s 2018. We need some goals. Monthly, weekly, daily, YEARLY. Just get some goals and aim for them. 

30. Recipes To Try- I see nice recipes all the time on Facebook, but I never think about them again after I keep scrolling. It’s bad. 

31. Daily Affirmations- Give yourself some compliments and some emotional support

32. Business Plan- Make yourself a good businesswoman or businessman or businessperson in 2018. You got this. 

33. Birthdays- Keep track of all those important people in your life that need to be remembered on their special day. 

34. Work Hour Log- Sometimes we don’t keep track of all the things we get paid for. Actual work, babysitting, photography jobs, writing jobs, pet sitting, house sitting, etc. 

35. Wishlists- Not so you can #treatyourself, but so that you can make note of things you really want. 

36. Gratitude Log- It’s always good to have a moment of gratitude with yourself. Make it a monthly challenge if you need to!

37. Quotes- Your own, friend quotes, celebrity quotes, author quotes, and lyrics. 

38. Illustrations and Doodles- Doodling helps you keep your mind fresh and ready to react quickly to situations. 

39. Jokes- Your own, ones you heard, ones you read, etc. 

40. New Discoveries and Interesting Facts- Find a new interesting fact? How about that lemonade is basically Sprite in almost any other country than America?

41. Travel Log- Places you want to go! There are so many ways to do this, so look up different versions before starting!

42. Family and Friend Favorites- Their favorite colors, animals, stores, places, hobbies, etc. 

43. DIY Projects- Things you want to try out someday. 

44. Chore List- Keep track of when you do your chores so that your house doesn’t become disgusting or dusty. 

45. Bucketlist- What do you want to do before graduation, moving out, marriage, having kids, etc. 

46. Story Ideas- I always come up with story ideas and then when I sit down to write them, I blank. 

47. Period Log- For people with periods that have many PMS symptoms or even PMDD symptoms. This is a great way to show your doctor all of the things you go through each cycle. 

48. Words That Make You Happy- Silly words, ugly words, words that are fun to say, etc. 

49. Things That Make You Happy- People, places, and things. 

50. Monthly Habits- Water intake, cleaning, bathing, exercising, reading, etc. 

51. Story Titles- This can be titles for books, short stories, poems, or just nice sounding titles for anything. 

52. Made Up Words- I make myself laugh with all the words I make up on the daily. 

53. Follower Counter- This page keeps me inspired to keep doing what I love. 

54. Index- Always have an index for easy access to the pages you want to find. 

55. Icons- Sometimes we need to have icons to make our pages pretty. Sometimes we make too many icons and never use them (me). 

56. Packing List- For those who travel often or stay at friends’ houses more than our own, it’s good not to forget the things we need. 

57. Morning Routines- Our bodies need routines for mornings to get us ready for the day. 

58. Nightly Routines- Our bodies need routines for nights to prepare us for sleep. (see what I did there?)

59. Weight Tracker- If you’re struggling with your weight, keep a chart tracker or add your daily weight to your calendar. 

60. Pen Test Page- If you get new pens, highlighters, or markers, its best to test them out before using them. 

61. Brain Dump- Sometimes we just need to jot down ideas or thoughts. It’s okay if they don’t make sense. 

62. Spending Log- Keep track of what you spend because you might need that someday. 

63. Water Tracker- HYDRATE

64. Habit Tracker Reward System- This is something I came up with myself, so if you have questions, message me!

65. Name Lists (For Babies and Stories)- Keep a list of cool names for characters or even future babies. 

66. Looking Forward To...- Birthdays, holidays, raises, pay days, vacations, etc. 

67. Compliment Lists- Make a list of your go-to compliments, your favorite ones people have given you, etc. 

68. Level 10 Life- Please look up what this is before jumping into it!

69. Pet Care Log- Keep track of how much you do with your pets. Walks, play time, park time, play dates, baths, etc. 

70. Achievements- What have you done that you are proud of?

71. Weekly Log- Keep track of your week. This is one of the most used pages in any bullet journal honestly. 

72. Monthly Log- Another overly used page in any bullet journal. Very important. 

73. Daily Log- I don’t do this too often, but I know it helps others who really need a whole page for each day. 

74. Bill Tracker- This was fun to make and something I will be using now

75. Income Tracker- How much and how frequently do you get paid?

76. Deadline Page- Prepare yourself for things that you need to get done. Do not procrastinate this year!

77. Vocabulary Practice- Sometimes we just need to educate ourselves on our own terms. (and with our own terms. Anyone? Anyone?)

78. Doctor Appointment Log- If you don’t want to add them to your calendar or they are too far out to add to the calendar you’re using. 

79. Username and Password List- Be careful with this page. If someone finds your bullet journal, this could be bad. 

80. Monthly Cover Page- These are so cute! I just started doing them, but they make my journal so artsy and pretty. 

81. Dream Log- This is a fun one. Track your dreams. This would be good to line up with how many hours you get as well. 

82. Favorites List- What are YOUR favorites? Movies, snacks, drinks, subjects, people, colors, animals, etc. 

83. Habits To Break- Do you bite your nails? Quote The Office too much? Throw clothes into piles on your floor? STOP THAT. 

84. Small Things That Matter- Puppies, getting up in the morning, pennies, smiling at yourself, laughter, etc. Remind yourself that there is good in the world. 

85. Things To Sell- Get rid of the things you don’t need. Or make things to sell! Be prosperous this year. 

86. School Schedule- High school and college students really need this. Even teachers do too. Make a chart of your classes, room numbers, buildings, and times.

87. House Projects- Things that need fixing or improvements around the house. 

88. Day Trip Ideas- Fun places to go when you have the time. 

89. Things I Am Bad At- It’s okay to admit our shortcomings and work on them. Or just accept them for what they are. 

90. Resolutions- YES! Make yourself this better this year. Be the best you. 

91. Crochet/Knit Log- When making a blanket, small items, or just keeping track of your improvements in your skill. 

92. Future Planning- Make a list of the things you want in your future and how you plan on getting them. 

93. Quirk List- Ever notice you do small little weird things? Make a list to appreciate who you are. 

94. Who Borrowed What- Sometimes people borrow things and you forget until you need it again. By then, they threw it out or gave it to someone else. 

95. Six Word Stories- Get those creative juices pumping. 

96. Love Yourself- Write down all the things you love about yourself. Appreciate yourself. 

97. Paying It Back- Honestly, a good page to have, but it doesn’t get much attention from me. 

98. Childhood Dreams- We should always try to look back on what we thought we wanted

99. Good Deed Ideas- Ever think “wow, wouldn’t it be great if I could _____”?

100. Mind Mapping- There are a few reasons I really enjoy this, but it really helps me get my thoughts and ideas out more easily

[oakmd]

Congratulations ! You received 1,000+ followers !

Continue? ▶YES ▷NO

 Well, I can’t really express anything but amazement at such an accomplishment, and to be honest I’m pretty blown away that so many of you have stuck with me since the beginning of this blog, and that so many of you enjoy Professor Oak enough to stay. I’ll forever stand by the fact that this blog was the best 'joke’ I ever made, and probably one of the most fulfilling things I’ve actively kept at. 

As much as I hope this blog has helped you find comfort and laughter, RPing Professor Oak has definitely changed me for the better, as well. It has given me an outlet to heal parts of myself and provide help to others, and also pushed me to practice positivity even when I know I get so low sometimes that I don’t even want to try. Another bonus is that I have met wonderful people here, most of you just strictly friends on the dash, but I’ve also gained relationships with people that have extended into discord and I’m sure it has made all the difference this past year and a half. 

As usual, I’m not really a fan of long-winded gushes of emotion, so I’ll keep it short, but I would really like to have it be known that my love for Professor Oak has grown tremendously, in ways I would have never reached without taking the time to thoughtfully craft his backstory and work to develop him further. I know he’s a very nostalgic character that so many of us know and respect that I’m always very careful of how I choose to build on the image without ruining what’s already there.  Out of all my many muses here, this one has seemingly ( and surprisingly ) all at once snuck its way as my primary blog; the blog I always look forward to logging into the most, where I enjoy following your activity whether it be IC or OOC, and just generally enjoy being in the presence of people so passionate about a fandom associated with my childhood. I love this little corner of a community that has welcomed me and engaged with me and unknowingly kept me going, and to look back at my experience and see that I’ve had no trouble at all makes me feel really lucky.

There will never be a way to fully and accurately express my thanks, but I will say it anyway: thank you so much, and I hope that no matter where you go, and no matter what you do, you are trying to be your best, and that you’re happy. Professor Oak will always be there to congratulate you when you reach your dreams.

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER ( because my mind is so scattered - ) special shout outs to special people: 

@timecapscle - wasn’t it you that said i’d one day get 1,000 followers? : ) you’ve literally supported me since the beginning and i just wanna say that i appreciate your enthusiasm for professor oak as much as i appreciate your enthusiasm for bill. its wonderful to see someone represent an otherwise under represented character and you do it well. i care for you so much, and wish nothing but good things for your future even if you want to do bad things in the name of science

@diligentseeker / @evolutionexpert  - someone i consider a cherished friend, despite how sporadic our interaction seems, i appreciate all our random long talks on discord, and i’ll never forget our very first conversation. it meant a lot to me, and i want to thank you. i dont meet a lot of ppl that i feel ‘get’ me on some unspoken level, so when it happens, its a nice surprise. anyway i won’t ramble because i take it you’re not one for praise, but im glad people like you exist. with that being said please stop making professor elm stress me out.

@undinaes - the moment you’ve been waiting for. SIKE! just kidding; its no surprise that you’re always filling my dash with testimonials from people that see you for what you are. you’re a beam of sunshine with all the qualities to match; warm, bright, and a natural source of energy that brings people together. your passion for writing is astounding and even when ppl dont deserve your kindness, you’re unbiased in giving it out. truly a mom through and through. but most importantly, ur my girlie and im glad we met :v

@ofpalletown - in my mind, you are practically ash, and ill be here to support you even during all your moments of Extra™ ... but aside from that you’re very loyal to your friends and full of something sunny that i can’t describe. ur gonna be okay, kid. so pls stop stressing out ur dear prof oak 

@03redd - i probably mentioned not long ago that your blog is really good, but ill say it again in case you weren’t listening. i love your blog? its very fun to follow, and i think you’re one of my favorite reds. even with me not being game verse, its so easy to just immerse myself in whatever nonsense you have red drag professor oak into. i dig your creative energy. 

@normaliium - and ofc i cant leave out my cousin. the one to be admired, the ever-successful, brilliant human being that loves me even when i take off ten years of your life each night. my life would lack such substance without you, and i will never forget all you’ve done to help me when i would otherwise be left to myself. you make me really proud to know you, you really do, and everyone i ever talk to you about can attest to that. #YOLO

@bossgiovanni - you haven’t been active in forever, but you remain one of my friends and that’s all that matters. from skype to discord, im glad we could stick together even with our blatant differences in opinion. you are always so nice to me and say the kindest things, and i just wanna say thanks. hope youve been doing well! you are capable of so much, and i believe in you, so don’t forget that. 

@agentmansley - can i jsut say thank you for staying true to your muse and throwing even the purest of characters into your mess? i have loved your blog long before i made professor oak, and you’re seriously one of the funnest people i’ve rp’d with here. everything i’ve written with you is refreshing and new, and never fails to make me laugh. thank you for your love for kent, and also for writing with me. i know you’ve been MIA for a while, but you’re definitely a memorable person. 

@tcssaiga - i dont have a lot of cross-fandom interactions so when they happen im usually pleased. you’ve got great characterization, and have perfect dialogue. i never watched a whole lot of inuyasha but i’ve atched enough to know that you’re pretty close to canon. thanks for the interactions even if you’re mean to prof oak on archer ; (

@askgarymfoak - MY LITTLE ACORN!!!! the dedication you have for gary honestly gives me so much life, and i love rping with you on discord and just yelling about sam / gary hcs. its always a highlight of my day and i can tell you’ve thought about gary and his life long and hard, and its so cool to see someone interested in all that makes him the Headache we all recognize and love. please never stop sharing with me the personal hcs you have for the boy, i always want to hear them. 

@futureheld - we don’t even rp with each other on this muse BUT youre one of my longest tumblr rp friends that i still talk to and you’re really important to me. we have history, we go back!!!! okay? #FRIENDSHIP n all that. but tbh id follow you on any muse because your writing is just great? id write any weird crossover with you because you have a talent for making it work seamlessly anyway. thanks 4 the memories, loser. 

@seviiserver - CELIO!!! we dont talk as much as we used to, or rather, we talk in bursts every now and then but i consider you one of my good friends! not only are u really talented in all things artistic, but i love your writing and it’s always enjoyable to read, even if its not one of our threads together. you made me have so much adoration for celio and like all the other ppl ive met who bring life to underrated / under-rp’d muses, i enjoy seeing everything you pour into him... AND ALSO I LOVE OUR OAK / ROWAN INTERACTIONS? i love them so much it hurts okay. even if its just silliness in discord it brightens my day. anyway perhaps one day we will cross paths in this sleepless city and i will finally teach u how to ride a bike.

@rottenrhythms - i know i dont have much to say or comment with whenever you message me on discord, but i admire how much detail you put into your characters and meta. im always impressed with all the work and thought you put into your world-building; i wish i had that much drive. also, you’ve made a lot of improvement with yourself from the time i first started talking to you on skype. be proud of your progress, and keep working at it, it’s worth it in the long run!

@lack--two NATE youre definitely a very sweet person, and perhaps a little more devious ooc than i’d imagined you would be ( at least to me, why must you poke me for reactions? ; ( u wound me ) but you’re a soothing presence to be around and im glad you were finally able to make discord work. bonus points for letting me yell about yugioh all the time. never stop being wonderful. im here for you whenever you might need a listening ear, okay? 

@loyalpika / @palletbloomer - #PRIKA!!! ever since i first followed you i remembered being blown away by your extensive headcanons on pikachu and i genuinely enjoy every blog you make! we dont talk OOC but from all your ooc posts you seem like a very caring older sister and thats nice to see; with you running around all the time, i hope you do get some rest every now and then! i hope our camaraderie never falters, take care friend! 

@thepkmnnurse - i cant forget all the love and support both you and your muse have for professor oak, and im happy you try to spread positivity on the dash whenever you can! we don’t talk much OOC but from what i can tell you’re just as kind and nurturing as nurse joy herself. i hope you’ve been taking it easy wherever you are, and i hope your days are bright!

@rebelracket - will there ever be a day that i dont enjoy seeing your delinquent muse causing havoc on the dash? your creativity is wonderful to witness and i enjoy clarissa so much, thank you for interacting with a pure ol’ muse like mine. i hope we can continue to keep writing together, im excited at where we might end up. p.s. your art is delightful.

@porttownprince - you’re a gentle presence on my dash but im glad that youre here and that you’ve stuck around despite all the bad things that followed you. i hope you can overcome all the trauma you’ve been through. thank you for being kind with me!

@nikkouki - i know i dont say much but i enjoy your random check ins with me on discord, and i think youre a sweet young girl. you’re gonna go far in life, just make sure you keep going! continue being a precious kiddo and don’t forget to study your japanese ; (

@viciousvainglory & @midoriyamight - i cant think of one without the other so accept this double-tag lol. you’ve both supported this blog since the beginning and i wont forget how welcome you made me feel! no matter what blogs you’re on im glad we can still be friends! you deserve the big toblerone! 

@fateandfury - my long time writing parter without knowing we were long time writing partners! the work you put into professor juniper is something to behold! we haven’t seemed to interact much despite rping professor muses, but that doesn’t mean i don’t appreciate your take on such a muse!

OTHER BLOGS TO BE ADMIRED ( also in no particular oder) : @sterlingsilverchampion @starmarkcd @pxgtails @satanstories @champofpallet @golden-oak @spriggaens @nurturen @florenselite @craniumaniac @ask-guzma @tenderpoison @gocatchem @faemoria @hikaup@writtenbykaichu @executiveariana @honoxtokage @simikami @bigcalavera @rotorotom @thehopcful @and-they-succeeded @metalprincess13 @keep-those-memories-away @hisvanity @attitxde @asmayflies @sesshcmaru @theagentlooker @ambcrly @kantocowboy @dauphindekalos @beareroftheblueorb @blastingxff @aquaelegance @bugeyesboutique @make-it-trouble  @thunderstonereject  @theagentlooker @soultattered @scvedbylove  @diluviumx @inevitabilis-sors @pokedouche @fightiniumz @firespun

I’M SO SORRY IF I MISSED PEOPLE, THIS IS REALLY HARD FOR SOMEONE SO SCATTER-BRAINED AND MEMORY-FOGGED AS ME. EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT INCLUDED AND EVEN IF WE’RE NOT MUTUALS, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR SUPPORT OF THIS BLOG. WITHOUT ANY OF YOU I WOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN HERE.

BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR A GIVEAWAY!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

[vaporwavegirl]

2017 has been the craziest most emotionally damaging and most exhausting and weirdest year of my life. But through all have that I've met some amazing people and learned so much and grown up so much as a person I'm really started to learn about who really am and I've opened up and really matured alot this year. Started college and really starting to save up money and buying my own car and turning 18 and being given so much more freedom becoming so much more open and with my mother and forming such a close unbreakable bond with the women who adopted me and saved my life really was I was a baby. SHe and my father (who recently divorced) gave up alot to adopt me and my brother and raise us the best they could. We're not perfect and we definitely are difficult and mean and make stupid decisions sometimes but our parents despite going through alot them selves and our family struggling with alot of deaths and being broke and not having jobs for awhile have still done what they could to give us a good life. My mom is still there for me and is trying her hardest to take care of me and this year has been shitty but it has transformed me into an entirely new and happier and better person honestly. I've become much more spiritual and I'm so much I more in touch with myself .I'v been through alot but I wouldn't have it any other way it has been for the best. I have met so many of the most amazing people this year some of which were only in my life for a short time unfortunately. But I hope to keep in touch with these people and grow and thrive with them and I'm so happy I'm entering 2018 with some of the most amazing talented creative beautiful people I have ever have the pleasure of knowing in this life. This year is going to be about becoming an adult and making my way out of my mom's house and being on my own and figuring my future and my life out. I plan on moving across the country to the Washington /Oregon Seattle or forks or Portland or something because that's where i really feel like I belong and will thrive the most. I currently live in Alabama and there is nothing for me here except all the friends I've made. But I really feel like I want a fresh start somewhere completely new and amazing and meet many more new Amazing beautiful and live my life to the fullest. After Tonight I'm quitting all of my partying and drugs atleast until I get financially stable enough and atleast am moved out of my mom's house or am living on my own somewhere and I can afford to party and live my life a little so that will probably be when move to Seattle and weed and stuff is legal and it's more acceptable to be who I am up there. I'm quitting smoking weed for atleast like 2-3 months after today. Only reason I am not longer is because I smoke marijuana to medicate myself for my depression and anxiety and shit as opposed to prescription stuff because the stuff doctors give me just make me feel numb and not myself and I'm still low-key depressed. I'm only taking a break from weed to start saving up money and really try to focus and finding a place to move out to when I graduate around may and saving up to do so. Don't judge me but while I'm taking my few months off from smoking and I'm going to be selling a bit of bud to my close friends to make some extra money on the side because weed isn't quite legal here yet and it's a little difficult for my friends to get sometimes and it's going to help me out as a student who finds it hard to find a part time job that doesn't pay minimum wage (7.25 fuK THAT) and gives me decent hours it's always not enough hours for decent pay or they work me to FUCKING dEATH for shit pay and it stresses me out. I quit my recent job about a week and ago I'm started 2018 fresh with a new job starting pay a little above minimum wage at 8.50 an hour and after a few weeks I'll get a raise. They say I'll hopefully get decent hours like 25-35 a week and it's a small Japanese/ Asian/ pop culture shop owned by a Chinese lady that coincidentally has the same name as me and there's only like 3 other people that work there and they are all really cool good friends of mine that's I've met through cosplaying the past few years. So starting with a new hopefully better job. Starting off sober with my mind focussed on graduating cosmetology school and saving up money and working hard and getting my life together. The last thing I'll probably really spend money on and do for myself this year is Kami con at the end of this month. My family has helped get me different parts of my lapis lazuli (gem from Steven universe) cosplay for me as Christmas gifts and it is tradition that if at all possible I will do everything I can to attend each year and I have for the past 5 years and this year I will have my first legitimate good cosplay and I'm excited. But after that every bit of my money is to school tuition, helping my mom with the phone bill and our car insurance and groceries when she needs it and saving the rest for moving out and starting my future. When I move to Seattle and hopefully become successful enough? at cosmetology that I open my own salon that I'm hoping my unique edgy choice in hairstyles with be accepted and eventually apprentice as a tattoo artist and open a piercing/tattoo/body shop open up like with my salon that like a super weird dream of mine I had for awhile and honestly I'm probably not going to be good enough but I'm going work my ass off and be sober and focus on my future so I can reach my fullest potential I have been put through too much and made it way too far to not try and live my life to the best of my ability and do everything I can to really be happy and stable and eventually fall in love and maybe have a kid and honestly I truly believe I'm going to marry this boy that I've been on and off with since freshman year of highschool. We both lost out Virginity to each other after dating for the first like 6 months and that was the first time we dated which was almost 11 months after we broke up and went a little crazy and just kinda started dating random people not really for love just because I was so scared of being alone and I hated idea of it. So I just fucked around alot and never really had anything as serious as my dude (I don't wanna say his name but if u know me and ur reading this u probably already know who I'm talking anyways. We were distant and not even on speaking terms for maybe two years. After i grew up a bit and started actually making goals and becoming a young adult I contacted him and asked if he wanted to meet up and catch up on our lives and try to give being friends a shot. Its been maybe a little over a year since I had reached out and started talking to him again. We've tried dating again and we have been on an off since then and we both are young adults trying to figure out our lives and we are both struggling alot as far mental health because of the stress of having to grow up kinda and it just kept fucking up out relationship and my emotions were so all over the place and I was really struggling with trying to figure out what I need in life and how to be happy without have to rely on a relationship or drugs or material things. I had to learn how to enjoy the actual important things in my life like all the beautiful amazing people I've had the pleasure of knowing in this life and how to cut toxic people and thinks and places out of my life if it's affecting my mental health and over learned that it's ok to be sensitive and to want to take care of yourself and have a good mental health. I've learned how to just live in the moment and to surround myself with positive vibes and only be around good honest genuine people that actually care about me and want me to succeed. I want the people in my life now to be people that I know forever and people that are going to be there for me in future. Anyways Over those two years me and the boy didn't talk i never got over him matter how hard a tried and thought I was and that i could potentially be falling love with some one. I just cant. I am in love with him and always will be no matter what. If i still feel so happy and deeply in love with him after.he broke my heart and didn't talk to be for 2 years I know this man is meant to be apart my life forever weather it is as my lover or as one of my closest friends. We are soul mates and I know that I will absolutely love him completely and unconditonally for the rest of my life. Those two years when I wasn't with him kept failing my classes in high school freshman and sophomore and was extremely suicidal and didn't give and fuck about school and even went to the mental hospital for awhile towards the end of my sophomore year and at that point i literally thought I was so stupid and worthless and not even worth the effort of living and being such and disappointment to my family and my friends because I could pass one class in high school and I had given up. Until my counselor transferred me to a kind of alternative school that I could do everything at my own pace and only do the essentials and stuff I absolutely need to learn instead of busy work and stupid shit like public school. This place had no semesters or exams or grades. It has 4 different very well educated and super cool and awesome genuine teachers that actually care about helping you get the best education and they really do care about their students and they are so passionate about helping these kids actually learn and have an opportunity to have a future. Theres one teacher for each subject and 5 councilors that the 70-80 kids are divided between them and it was such an amazing really healing place and i met some really amazing people that year and learned alot about myself and started doing art therapy and I got my work done and realized I wasnt actually stupid like I had been so sure I was but I'm actually very intelligent I just have manic depression and severe social anxiety and I just needed to start working on myself and start making the effort to keep myself happy and actually work on my life and be the person I want to be. After that year during summer I made the decision not to go back to public school for what would have been my senior year so as soon as I was 17 I dropped out of high school and got my GED and I started cosmetology school at 17 years old before my graduating class even finished there senior year. My GED teacher was also a councilor and i became very close to her and she's honestly helped me make a future for myself and she supported me and saw how smart I was and she would help me no matter what and still to this day if in need to talk or need help with something i can call her and she will 100% help me because she is such a good and selfless and kind woman that genuinely cares about me and my future. It's rare that you meet teachers that actually help their kids . I honestly made the decision to do whats best for me and my mental health and i got my career and life started as early as I could because I'm determined to live my life to the best before I'm too old or die super young I'm some crazy way because honestly life is so short and way too short not to do everything u can to just really be the best you can be and enjoy life and do what makes u fuckin happy. So starting this year I am being sober so I can graduate school and work and save money and start my life as a young independent adult. My teenage years have been so wild and I've been through so much but it's I wouldn't trade these last few years. I've met so many kind beautiful amazing souls and I've learned so much about life and other people and relationships and I've learned about happiness within myself and I've learned alot about who I am and what it really want in life. I've learned alot about my mental illnesses and how to cope with them the best way possible for myself. I've had some of the best and most amazing adventures and i made so many amazing memories so despite the bullshit I've been through in my teenage years and all the stress of becoming a young adult in this super fucked up world we live in today I know that I have made it this far and I become stronger and better everyday and I'm thriving and finally getting where I want to be. I'm becoming more content with who I am and I'm learning to love myself and be who I am and I'm so happy with the person I becoming and I know I'm going to continue growing and thriving and becoming a beautiful and amazing person living the best life I can. This started out as a new years resolution post but im on alot of stuff right now and I felt like I needed to just write about stuff. Anyways. Happy new years yall here's to a fresh start and then beginning of my life as I figure out how to be my own person. 2018 is going to be so fucking good

[shadottie]

Hey my dudes, take care of yourself. Talk to someone, write in a journal, vent on the internet, just do something for yourself. 

Anxiety and Depression(tm) are shitters, don’t let them stop you from reaching help or some clarity.

I find myself wanting to vent a lot, and in hand, I want to find a way to battle what warrants that venting-- for not myself, but to help others. For the hundreds of people are following me, if it would mean something to read a post that another is struggling and there is a way out-- that there is a way to help yourself.

There is.  There always is.

There’s that part of me that’s like, “I don’t want to be a bother” “My problems are valid compared to someone else’s” “I don’t deserve to have these feelings compared to what others go through”

It’s a difficult thing to deal with. You want to convince yourself that you’re worth it, that you can depend on somebody, but at the same time, you don’t want to worry them unnecessarily. Going to another might look like you’re betraying the trust of another. Venting to the vast space of the internet than any one person in particular may look negligent too. Sometimes? Sometimes you just want to scream into the abyss. If someone reaches back, great.

I’m kind of there right now. I’m going to do it than let guilt deter me. 

I’m stressed out.  I know I am. I had such a stupid panic attack today, yesterday, the day before that. It’s been consistent sensations like I’m on the verge of like blanking out, when I can feel that flight or fight response kicking in. It’s a little similar to when I get too emotional over situations, and a sudden flip of the switch has me apathetic. Those weird sensations are always tied to stress or an anxiousness. I’m otherwise fine when I get up and do something else like clean or take a walk. There’s nothing wrong with me. 

What could it possibly be? Who knows. Anxiety tells me it’s gotta be something. I should check the internet right? Consult for the millions of possibilities of how I might be dying right now in this very moment, when I’ve “”””Survived”””” a couple of other instances that aren’t at all consistent besides when I’m stressing out. I don’t do that webmd shit anymore. 

My brain just does this dumb shit where I have a lot going on for me, instead of stressing about that, something starts hurting on my body. I start to feel dizzy. I suddenly lose focus and blank sometimes, or can’t finish my thoughts. Clearly, I’m fucking dying in this very moment. Like, no? No. 

I haven’t been taking care of myself either. No wonder I feel like shit. dumbfuck, I’m. eating for the first time at 3:30 in the afternoon and have had like... coffee and a couple cups of water. You’ve been up since 9. Coffee is dehydrating but also pumps your heart rate. Like??? no shit.

Today, I was panicking so hard for the sensation I was feeling, I left the apartment to go for a walk and that fatigue came back instead of rationalize myself and talk it out with Cory. This was before I ate something, mind you, and not drinking as much as I should for water. Like. Duh. But no, Anxiety’s like ‘see, something’s wrong. You can’t run from it. You have something in your brain that’s killing you’

And you know what? Technically, I do. It’s this anxiety and depression bullshit that I’m going to kick the ever living shit out of so I can have a normal life, so I can lead a healthier and happy life with Cory too. 

Why do I do this? Why does my brain do this? Why can’t I just apply that stress and anxiety to worrying about a deadline, or if I’m going to get this done by a certain day? Or... ya know, whatever’s bothering me that has nothing to do with my body’s malfunctions. I’ve survived this shit plenty. It started at a tender age of like...preteens, give or take.

Despite everything, my little 4-H club elected me to be their leader. I’ve always been a follower. I’ve never had anyone depend on me. Then this, this happened. Something I was scared to do, being such a wallflower at the time (and I still am, letsberealBUT...). It’s.. silly to think back on now, to think how far I’ve come as a person since then.  At the time, I thought my heart was going to stop while I slept. There were nights I convinced myself that my kidney was going to explode, or an organ was giving out. I’d keep a hand to my pulse as if a 12-year-old would have any way to discern a weird heartbeat. My parents would sit with me until I was on the verge of passing out.  We’d talk from time to time. I started listening to soundtracks to help put me to sleep. They’d help me think up stories for what was going on depending on a track. They took me to the hospital once when I had an especially bad attack. The doctor asked me if I wanted to take medicine. I wanted to try to fix it myself. (And, honestly, the thought of taking medicine for this scared me and I thought I’d be weaker for it at the time. That’s not the case.  Everyone’s different, and as long as that medicine is used how it should be, to help and heal, so you can be your own person again on your own one day.)  

I kept listening to tunes.  I kept thinking up stories to help me forget, to help me sleep at night. I kept falling asleep midway through a journal entry about how hard I crushed on a boy, or some event at school, or writing my own silly Zelda fanfics, or whatever.  It worked. I got over it in time.

This won’t be any different. What I wouldn’t give if those were the feelings I was having now instead. I know that song and dance.  I could handle it. But, I’m growing. The body gets older, things are changing all the time.  There isn’t any possibility of me actually being hurt, I just need to take care of myself. I’m fixing my sleep schedule, eating healthier when I do eat.  I need to eat more. I am getting into better habits about water, drinking it with Miyo or whatever if I’m bored with just drinking water.

I’m stressed. 

 I’m scared. 

I hit lows where I don’t care about eating. I don’t care about ...well, taking care of myself.  I’d lie like a lump on the floor all day if my burning will to kick ass didn’t have me obsessing with work after a couple minutes of lying there.  It’s... so ridiculously stupid, and I hate that I do that to myself. I’m trying to be better. 

I’m building momentum with my career. Things are going well. Something’s going to go wrong, isn’t it? i’m going to be punished for spending that occasional $10 for a book of Nichijou for Cory; or buying lunch out, aren’t I?

What a fucking stupid mindset. I’m just going to keep going forward anyway. 

There has been good.  Streaming and doing more with Cory-- watching shows like Nichijou and Jojo with him too. Finding inspiration again.  A lot. 

I have something I’m so excited to share with you guys in December. On another note, I get to work with someone I looked up to and made a friend with, in the FFXIV community. I braved talking to another  because I had something to share, who responded rather nicely to me! I’m apart of a weekly static now for FFXIV too, playing PLD, and it’s stressful but I’m trying to have fun. I need to work on a better layout though. Artist hands get crampy with the buttonpressing during stressful moments. 

Despite a rather abysmal 2017 con season for us,  we made the most with what we had, and actually did much better than our 2016 run through those specific cons. I’ve been doing well off with my work load that I can treat myself and I can treat Cory more.  I’m so grateful for the opportunities I’ve had with Patreon and Twitch Affiliate status. Those along with work are helping with bills, living expenses, and making a sane cushion for ourselves again.  We’re not living paycheck to paycheck really anymore. Next year will be a great year for conventions, getting out more, getting out of this little apartment more. I hate that winter’s already here. I miss green. 

I’ve had a lot of horribly raw feelings lately. Upset about this, super duper depressed about that, and just a whole mix of chemicals that I normally don’t exercise in feelings. I feel like a rotten human being with how aloof I can be. I need to work on having a relationship with the love of my life, balancing that with work and personal time. 

I worry if I’m annoying when people don’t respond to me and I keep poking despite that worry to show care. Anxiety whispers that I’m just being a pest. D&D has been fun, but I’ve been worrying a lot about that too. Something happens one way or another where I can’t always be focused, or I’m a depressed mess before hand, and-- I stress out too much that my quiet or involvement is annoying in some way or another. I’m trying harder to jump into things. I always have fun anyway when things kick off.

I’m scared for a friend making a visit to meet some people over this weekend.  He’s supposed to be home today, I haven’t heard from him. I’m trying not to worry still. 

I think about my parents a lot and my brother.  I reflect on my life and where I’ve gone, and how it’s already been 10 years since I graduated high school, five since I walked away with a Bachelor’s.  I think about how certain people aren’t here anymore, and that isn’t going to change. Life is precious, and honesty is a gift. I’ve been more headstrong about expressing my thoughts and feelings. More often than not, I just see assumptions causing a mess. I’ve caused a mess and many that way.

I have a lot on my mind than I realize, and when these anxiety attacks hit, I don’t know what to hold onto for what’s causing the problem.  All of it’s there, and now most of it’s here in a post. There may be more.  I’m honestly going to probably try to be a little more active as a person in tandem with being an entertainer. Honestly, I have days where I stress out about not posting art, and feel guilty about that too.

I was doing so well there, and now I’m literally running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I’ll get over it. I always do. There’s far more important things to focus on, to enjoy, to experience, than this fear. 

if you made it this far, thanks. it really means a lot. I hit a point where I don’t know what else to wordpuke, but that gross feeling of mine is gone and I have clarity again. 

Have a good night.

[cutsliceddiced]

New top story from Time: High School Seniors Are ‘Making Lemonade out of Lemons’ With Graduations Online, at Drive-Ins and on Racetracks

Briauna Leonard graduated from high school at home wearing pajamas and sitting at her kitchen table beside her cat, Mr. Pickles, watching the salutatory address that she recorded a week earlier in an almost empty auditorium.

“It was a little heartbreaking, honestly, to work your way up for 12 years, and you look forward to all these things — senior prom and graduation, senior week, and the senior trip,” says Leonard, a new graduate of Groves High School in Savannah, Georgia. “I just kind of had to look at it like, at least I was getting a graduation, and I made it to the end.”

During the virtual ceremony on May 13, which was live streamed on YouTube and broadcast on TV, Principal Timothy Cox congratulated graduates on reaching that milestone in spite of the COVID-19 pandemic, which disrupted their final weeks of high school.

“You went from working in a classroom to working 100 percent online,” he said. “You went from dreams of having a standard graduation to a virtual one. You went from working part-time, probably just to pay your bills, to some of you working full-time to help support your families. And you did all this while taking classes.”

“The world changed,” Cox said. “And you changed with it.”

The COVID-19 pandemic has shuttered thousands of schools across the country and canceled large group gatherings, including graduations. It has thrust new responsibilities onto teens during a pivotal time in their lives and made their futures more uncertain. Now, instead of packing auditoriums, gymnasiums and football fields with graduates and their families, schools have shifted to virtual ceremonies or socially distant celebrations at drive-in movie theaters, school parking lots or the Daytona International Speedway. Some schools have delayed graduations or scheduled individual ceremonies at which a graduate can walk across a stage and receive their diploma, with just immediate family in attendance.

Ella Potee, a senior at Pioneer Valley Regional School in Northfield, Mass., will graduate at the drive-in movie theater where she once watched Toy Story, Jurassic Park and last year’s live-action Lion King. In a few weeks, she will deliver a valedictorian speech to her 40 classmates as they sit in their cars, listening to her over the radio, watching her up on a screen made for movies.

“I grew up going to movies there with my family. I had dates there with boyfriends,” says Potee, 18. “It’s just this place in your town where everyone convenes in the summer. And to have it be the place where we’re all ending our senior year is going to be really exciting.”

At the graduation on June 4, “Pomp and Circumstance” will play as seniors drive to assigned parking spots at the Northfield Drive-In. Speakers will approach a podium one at a time. When graduates’ names are called, they’ll get out of their cars and walk up to retrieve their diploma off a table, without shaking anyone’s hand. When the ceremony ends, there will be a fireworks show, and graduates can stick around to watch a movie of their choice.

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“This is making lemonade out of lemons. It’s dancing in the rain. It’s celebrating our successes, even with what the world is facing now,” Principal Kevin Burke says, adding that the ceremony is critical to recognizing the struggles many students have gone through to earn their diplomas. “I think a celebration is really important.”

School officials across the country agree, and many are going to great and creative lengths to make graduation day memorable. The Northfield Drive-In alone has received inquiries about playing host to a dozen other graduation events, for everyone from 6th-graders to medical school students. But for thousands of young adults about to leave high school, who’ve missed proms, senior trips and the chance to say goodbye in-person to their classmates, this once-in-a-lifetime moment is bittersweet, another reminder that the world they grew up in no longer exists.

Kasandra Acosta, a senior at Victor Valley High School in Victorville, Calif., tried on her cap and gown last week, texted a selfie to her mom, and cried. “It was really heartbreaking, realizing that I might not actually get to wear it for a graduation,” says Acosta, the first in her family to graduate high school. Her school is planning a drive-thru graduation event on May 26. Seniors will pick up their diplomas and walk across a stage while wearing a cap and gown and a mask with a school logo on it. Families will be required to stay in their cars.

Courtesy of Katharine Bontuyan Kasandra Acosta will pick up her diploma via a drive-thru at her high school in Victorville, California.

The approach to graduation this year varies significantly by state and by school district, a reminder of the disparate approach to the virus itself, as some states move to reopen businesses while others remain in lockdown. The various graduation plans also reflect the economic disparities among school districts; several require students or their families to have vehicles.

At White County High School in Cleveland, Georgia, officials are creating their own drive-in, renting a four-story tall screen for a graduation of about 250 seniors in the school parking lot on May 22. The school plans to follow the traditional graduation format as best it can. The school principal and superintendent will walk from car to car, handing diplomas to seniors as a camera follows them so the crowd can watch.

“The biggest goal we have is that this graduation will be so fantastic, that we want our juniors to be jealous,” says White County Assistant Principal Adam Wiley, who has a background in theater and has been planning the graduation like he would choreograph a show. “We need to honor their work and celebrate them in a fashion that is befitting of what they’re dealing with.”

In Florida, about 1,050 high school seniors from the Flagler County School District will graduate at the Daytona International Speedway on May 31, seated in their cars with their families. After speeches from a couple of students and school officials, graduates will be told to start their engines and drive to the finish line, where a principal wearing a mask and gloves will hand them their diplomas before letting each grad take a victory lap around the race track.

“This will be one for the books,” says Flagler Schools Superintendent James Tager. “It’s a once-in-a-lifetime deal.”

Isabella Scarcella, the student body president of Flagler Palm Coast High School, will be one of the graduates. And after a “weird and unsettling” end to her senior year, the 17-year-old is looking forward to the event, even if it’s not the graduation ceremony she had been expecting. “I know it’s going to be very different doing it on the speedway,” she says. “But at least we’re still literally and metaphorically crossing a finish line.”

Courtesy of Isabella ScarcellaIsabella Scarcella will graduate from high school in a ceremony at the Daytona International Speedway in Florida on May 31, 2020.

Texas has approved outdoor in-person graduation ceremonies in June as long as attendees stay at least six feet apart and are questioned about possible COVID-19 symptoms beforehand, but the Houston Independent School District is taking a more conservative approach. Its 11,000 high school seniors will graduate virtually, interim district superintendent Grenita Lathan announced, calling it “one of the most difficult decisions I have ever confronted as the district leader.”

Seniors in the Los Angeles Unified School District also are restricted to online graduations after public health officials said options that included renting out Dodger Stadium or the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum were not safe. New York City is planning a citywide virtual graduation ceremony for high school seniors. “You may not have the traditional ceremony that you were looking forward to,” Mayor Bill de Blasio said at a press conference. “We’re going to give you something you will remember for the rest of your life.”

Acosta in Victorville knows her graduation will be nothing like what she’d imagined: family members and friends packing the stands on the school football field and descending to hug the seniors and take photos. In an email announcing the new plan for graduation, her principal reminded seniors: “At no time during the event will you be shaking hands with or hugging anyone.”

The anticlimactic ending has been tough. “It means a lot to me because most of my family came from Mexico, and they didn’t get the opportunity to finish school,” Acosta says. “My Mom has always told me, ‘I want you to do things that I never got to do,’ and this was such a big part of it.”

In Savannah, Leonard, mentioned the pandemic’s effect on her class during her speech. “It means missing the cheers of my friends and family as my name is called to receive my diploma. It means missing out on the opportunity to say last goodbyes to my closest friends as we will soon be miles apart,” she said, before congratulating her classmates for thriving despite the challenges.

“Let’s give it up to the class of 2020,” she said. “May we never have to worry about toilet paper again.”

Courtesy of Viren MirchandaniViren Mirchandani tuned in to his virtual high school graduation ceremony at home in Savannah, Georgia, on May 13, 2020.

Viren Mirchandani, valedictorian at Jenkins High School in Savannah, regretted that he wouldn’t get to walk into graduation side-by-side with his friends or see their faces while delivering his speech. “That would’ve been an amazing moment for me, something to look back on when I’m older,” he said. “I don’t really get to cherish the memory with all those people.”

Instead, like Leonard, he tuned in to his virtual graduation from home on Wednesday morning with his parents, grandparents and younger sister.

They listened to remarks from school officials and to Mirchandani’s own pre-recorded valedictorian speech, and heard each graduate’s name as their photo appeared on screen. Then, Jenkins High School Principal Heather Handy asked every graduate, “wherever you are,” to stand, “hopefully wearing that bright red cap and gown.”

“I ask that you stand tall and you be proud, for you will forever be remembered as the graduating class who made milestones and history, as the world addressed a global pandemic,” she said.

In kitchens and living rooms around Savannah, 241 high school seniors moved the tassel on their cap from right to left and graduated.

via https://cutslicedanddiced.wordpress.com/2018/01/24/how-to-prevent-food-from-going-to-waste

[sometipsygnostalgic]

JUST FINISHED GRAVITY FALLS

weirdmageddon was amazing! FAR better than most finales tend to be.

i wanted to know what the zodiac thing was all about though... i’d never seen it before but it was obviously important to the fans who had theorised about it.... couldnt we at least see what it would have done???? it didn’t have to be the final conflict!

ANYWAY i dont have as much to say about gravity falls as adventure time for obvious reasons so im going to rank it... Without further ado, it’s time to heavily overthink about cartoons!!!

Animation: 5 out of 5 hats - this is one of the most BRILLIANTLY ANIMATED childrens cartoon shows ive seen. there’s no weird inbetweens, the lighting for each scene is absolutely spot-on, it looks and feels amazing! honestly gravity falls looks like one of the strongest arguments for using script-driven shows instead of storyboard-driven shows, because cartoon network has never in its life produced something that looks this good.  When it used 3D CGI it was implemented smoothly. The characters had no absence of body language and cues either, it was never boring to look at. Disney does it again!!!

Humor: 4 out of 5 hats - While I dont think this show is the literal funniest thing I’ve ever watched, it is consistently entertaining throughout the entire series which is more than I can say for the two cartoons (AT and SU) that i’m unfairly comparing it to. Humor is one of GF’s strongpoints, because the jokes it throws at you out of complete nowhere will always have you on ground. I laughed SO hard during this marathon, and the jokes are obscure enough that I’ll probably do the same thing on a rewatch. The animation helps significantly too. The character designs alone, especially Mabel and her sweaters, allow for plenty of visual humor. Soos is the sort of character that you dont know what hes going to do next. Grunkle Stan conning people got some of the hardest laughs out of me. Wendy is just.... Wendy reminds me so hard of early Marceline, except she will occasionally do something really cool cos shes from a family of lumberjacks. Let’s not forget Waddles, the MVP in the humor department.

Story: 3 out of 5 hats - If I made this post yesterday, I’d have ranked it 2 out of 5 hats. I never felt that there was any “story” to gravity falls, only some kind of ARG that added nothing to the experience because none of the questions were solvable until the answers had been revealed. But the second half of season 2 ups the ante on story by focusing on the Pines family and their relationships to each other, and you can feel tension rise especially when Dipper starts to hang aound Ford a little too much and you sense that poor Mabel is gonna be left in the dust just like Stan before her. Weirdmageddon also was way more entertaining than I expected! And how it ENDED? Oh jesus! The show’s final scenes were heartbreaking, if I’d been following for longer I might have started crying.

Characterisation: 4 out of 5 hats- holy crap, it’s just so much fun seeing the Pines family play off of each other. Each group has an entertaining dynamic, whether it’s playful like Mabel, Soos, and Wendy’s shenanigans, or more serious like Stan and Ford’s conflict. There was barely any time throughout the entire series that I was annoyed by how someone was acting, or thought that it was out of place and agitating. I think I might be giving this point a rather generous score because of how feelgood it was, rather than complex or deep, which in many areas it wasnt. For example earlier in the show the conflicts felt dumb, like the Jurassic Park episode where everyone was acting vaguely out of character to cause a sense of drama? idk. But later on it got more heartfelt, if predictable. Where else do I think it can do better?

Worldbuilding: 2 out of 5 hats - Yep, the area where I think Gravity Falls does the worst is worldbuilding. For 2 big reasons: The wasted potential of Gravity Falls itself, and the way its inhabitants were used. Maybe I’m just spoilt by the AMAZING job Adventure Time and Steven Universe do with this, but the land of Gravity Falls fails to be as interesting as Ooo or as realistic as Beach City. Idk, i think it’s more ENTERTAINING than Beach City but more because I get more laughs out of the show than recent SU. The issue with Gravity Falls’ civilians is that unless you’re a Pines, youre a straight up Cartoon Character. That rules your characterisation and your purpose for existence. This is fine and yes there are some memorable characters but they never have those hilarious moments of humanity, like the episode Root Beer Guy where the title character gets into conflict with his wife cos she thinks hes too involved with his actual realistic mystery novels, or the Graybles ep where Starchy ran away from the candy kingdom to get rid of a tracker in his tooth cos he knows  PB was spying on him, and he runs a little club conspiring against her like some kind of real life political group. His club and Kim Kil Whan having King of Ooo memorabilia lmao. I’m getting too into this but its moments like that which make Adventure Time feel great. 

As for GRAVITY FALLS ITSELF, yeah because the world doesn’t feel as real as it could be I never wanted to see what it had to offer next, and there’s never explanation for all of this. The journals play a much smaller role in the series than Dipper’s reactions over them would have you think. The closest thing to an explanation is the pondering over whether a spaceship caused the weirdness in GF or was drawn to the area because of this weirdness. But is it magic? Is it science? Is it different dimensions? Fuck knows! Is there any hint about the truth? I’m not sure! Yeah, not all things need to have answers, but it helps fire off the thinkpan. In Adventure Time the Land of Ooo’s weirdness is linked to an apocalypse that helped bring magic back to the land. The hint is that the magic potential was always there, because there were magical societies around millenia before humanity. Did magic disappear because of a comet hitting the planet? Is magic actually based on scientific principles? Like GF, not all these questions have direct answers, but unlike GF, you have enough incentive and evidence to construct your own theories. It lets you get absorbed in the lore of Ooo, of the characters inhibiting it. This is my own perspective anyway. 

I think the most amazing mysteries I ever saw unwravel were Simon and Marcy’s adventures, and more relevant to my own experiences, PB’s age. Like there was puzzle pieces and hints around indicating Peebles had been around way longer than 18 years or whatever but we finally got confirmation in Season 5.2 where we saw consecutive episodes showing her in the past. The theory was that she was younger than 1000, but could be any age older than about 50. The Vault was a shock origin story for not just Finn having had a past life as a girl without an arm (THE ARM BEING ANOTHER ADVENTURE TIME THING THAT EVENTUALLY GOT some really back and forth PAYOFF), it was an origin story for peebles and the candy kingdom! but why would she make it?? ? yeah this was all stuff we were able to construct theories for, and accurate theories, because the evidence was there and more significantly the Writers were putting it together at the same time. It almost felt like we were having an INPUT in the story because of this natural way it evolved over time. That’s why AT’s mysteries are far more engaging than those of Gravity Falls, at least for me.... but maybe the same thing happened to GF fans????? Because I wasn’t there to put the pieces together, to study the Pines family or the Bill Zodiac which.... was almost as much a copout as Finn’s arm but its ok cos the stan deleting his memories shit was a decent end anyway. I just dont know why theyd  put a mystery like that IN there if it was always going to be a red herring???

To conclude this description which..... ended up being another reason to talk about Adventure Time again, I want you to know that I REALLY enjoyed Gravity Falls. It reminded me of Over the Garden Wall in how it’s told, the characters it has, but much larger and grander than OtgW ever was. 

My favourite characters were Stan and Mabel. Yeah, Dipper and Ford were very interesting characters too, but while they’re among the top of their trope, they still feel like an overdone trope to me.... especially dipper and his Issues,,, Stan meanwhile I liked that he was a runaway fuckup nobody as a child who became a professional conman after his parents kicked him out. That was an interesting backstory.  

Gravity Falls, all in All, gets 3.5 out of 5 hats. To keep it real. Spend them wisely.

[survivingsusac]

Adulting Update

Vitamins

We’re going to start today off on a weird note. I go to a Curves gym because fitness is important. I may be not the most mobile person anymore (thanks a TON Susac) but still, health is important. At the gym a person tells me about this vitamin supplement that has changed her health and has improved her quality of life. She’s like, let’s set up a call and you can learn all about it and get some and be healthier. I found out the name of it and do some research (that’s Adulting 101) and find out the stuff is absurdly expensive and less bioavailable (read: your body can’t use but 18% of the nutrients in the pills) than the liquid vitamin that I have access to that are half the cost (which are 98% bioavailable). I let the lady know that while I appreciate her sentiment, I will let the professionals and specialists in Susac Syndrome be the ones to guide me through whether nutrient supplements will heal my autoimmune disorder. Spoiler: they won’t. I will take my liquid vitamins, though. Be healthy, y’all.

Welcome home, Link!

On another note, I am still totally hyped about the awesomeness of my local bike shop.

The guys never fail to be friendly and welcoming when I walk in. Ken greets me by name today and says you’re here to pick up Link, yes? Why yes, Ken, yes I am. You’re going to let me pay you guys today right? Recall, they have (1) replaced my saddle, (2) patched my flat rear tire, (3) ordered me two new tire tubes, (4) installed the correct tire tube, (5) replaced my saddle post. All at no charge so far. And today Ken let me pay him today, a whopping…drum roll please… $37.55.

These guys are like legit superstars.

Baclofen

We’re changing subject to include stuff about badass doctor Egan who can no longer be my doctor because he got a new job (remember him? He hasn’t been brought up in a minute).

So my UCD neuro immunologist who is supposed to replace him (PYSCH, because no one could ever adequately do that) began me on a new drug (Rx), Baclofen. It’s a CNS suppressant that was intended to help my wacky gait (it’s a spastic gait). Well, long story short, it did not. It made me super sleepy which I don’t have time for in my life, and a fall risk. It was the complete opposite of what she lead me to believe it would accomplish for me.

I send her literally three messages over a month requesting responses to my concerns. No response, nothing. So I do some research and safely and successfully wean myself off the Rx. I finally get an appointment with her to follow up and she tells me that based on the increase in symptoms, I am experiencing a relapse.

She asks me what I did last time I had a relapse. I let her know that I’ve never had one before, that my immune systems’ response to this Rx that it’s never encountered before seems to have sent me into my very first one. She sets me up with a five day pulse of this infusion called Solumedrol, AKA methylprednisolone. Today is my last day of that. Tomorrow she has me taking oral prednisone for 18 days.

My thoughts are, “This had better work.”

Now, circle back to Egan.

My mom/rock and I go out to dinner with him Monday night. We’re just chilling eating cheese burgers and of course, he can’t take off his doctor hat. He's watching me walk through the restaurant, asking me questions about my alleged relapse, and doctoring me between my complaints to him about his decline in Pokemon Go activity. He’s seriously been slacking lately.

Anyway, apparently, relapses can’t be confirmed without quantitative data. Relying only on reports of increases in symptoms is qualitative. NOW we’re talking; speak science to me.

MRI

So about a month ago, this new UCD neuro immunologist who Rxed me Baclofen had ordered a series of MRIs. Brain, C-spine, and T-spine. Here’s our qualitative data.

I never acted on those things because UCD charges things like facility fees, technical fees, and procedural fees that aren’t covered by the copay that I pay already at each appointment. Heads up, they also don’t dislose the estimate of the cost of these things unless you specifically ask for it. When you do, everyone points fingers and transfers your calls for days. By the time you finish doing their jobs for them you find out that it will be something like $2k for your care. And why does the hospital charge for things like facility fees (rent for the room the appointment takes place in), technical fees (that’s the computer the doctor charts your notes on during the appointment), and professional fees (that’s the other radiologist or doctor who reads the imagery or test the doctor orders)? Because hospitals are a business at heart and need money to survive. Patient's money.

Your girl can’t afford thousands of dollars for the hospital to just make money off of patients. Go charge someone with expendable cash, not someone trying to live off of $400 a month.

But now I’m searching for the least expensive way to get these MRIs done for this quantitative data for bad ass Egan. ‘Cuz we all know that he’s going to ask me about the images once they’re done. I couldn’t get rid of him now, probably not even if I wanted to. Eventually, thanks mostly to my GP at Sutter, I found a place that will save me $500 so I’ll only have $1.5K to pay. I’ll be paying the bill until the end of the year. But eh, such is life.

Speaking of money

I signed up for my own dental insurance coverage. So far in my life I’ve been covered by my mom because I was a minor and then by my husband because I was married to the useless pile of flesh and asked for coverage for myself and our daughter. She was five by the time he got around to it. Useless. Pile. Of. Flesh. But now I am not a minor and I am cutting free from the useless pile of flesh! So I get to adult and get my own dental insurance! So I want to keep my dentist because I love him tons (medically speaking) and Lee’s been my dentist since I was like 10. First I talk to his office about the type of insurance he accepts. Then I call the insurance company and talk to Gilbert (no, not Gilbert Blithe) and we talk about options and financial commitment and the types of procedures covered. Within the day I have chosen the best coverage for myself! I call my dentist and let Kathy know that I have been adulting and I am pumped to announce that as of October 1 I will have my own new dental insurance! She gives me a metaphorical high five. Again, she’s known me since I was 10.

The Moral of the Story

Adulting is hard work.

Beware pyramid schemes that want you to commit to costs and promises without bonafide science. Do your research. It may take a minute but knowing what people are trying to get you into, whether because they are honestly trying to help or because they are unaware of what they are presenting you with, is crucial to making wise decisions. Picking up Link now that he is up to 100% after the battle he has unexpectedly given me was relieving, especially given how awesome the bike shop has been. That bike shop was a happy accident but I am SO GRATEFUL that it has worked out so well!

Don’t let up on doctors when they stop making contact with you. I’m looking at you, UCD. Hold them accountable for the oath they took when they began school.

Also, keep those hospitals in check. Be thorough about your bill, regardless of if it’s itemized when you see it. When doctors order tests or imagery ask questions and get things in writing, when possible. Make yourself familiar with your health insurance policy and its limitations and expectations. Do your due diligence when you’re after answers. Take notes, record that names of the people you speak to. And keep track of phone numbers you’re given.

Guys, if it sounds like a full time job, that’s because it IS. I can’t tell you how often I’ve had to bow out of tutoring sessions for school for five minutes, take calls while in the car and someone else is driving. If you know you’ve got adulting drama coming I suggest you keep a pencil and paper with you for notes at all times. I think the only things I haven’t interrupted are classes and doctor appointments. It’s a commitment, for sure.

And please, have your own back when it comes to insurance. Check out your options, compare them to your needs, and make wise choices. This is something I’m going to have to do next week when I explore health insurance opportunities. As per usual, I’ll keep you updated!

Surviving Susac,

Aurora

[ultralifehackerguru-blog]

New Post has been published on http://www.lifehacker.guru/36-people-solid-sense-humor/

36 People With A Solid Sense Of Humor

One of my favorite qualities in another person is a solid sense of humor. Funny people can make every situation more entertaining.So if you’re having a bad day, or could even use a quick distraction from your responsibilities, check out these folks who definitely know how to make a joke.

1. “Ohhhhh yeahhhh!” Whoever did this probably got so fed up with the wall that they just decided to turn it into a joke instead. Rumor has it that the Kool-Aid Man is still on the loose to this day.

Reddit | XtopherP33

2. It seems like this sign has some pretty bad seasonal allergies. Either that, or the person in charge of making the sign was being lazy and decided it would be less work to make this joke.

Reddit | matherly32

3. When this RadioShack went out of business, the owners decided that they should have one last laugh and make the sign say “Adios” as a final farewell to their customers.

Reddit | zgp5002

4. April Fools’ Day has to be like Christmas for prankster parking attendants. They probably just go around the entire city handing out fake tickets to mess with people, like this one did.

Reddit | hysnbrg4

5. When you need a ride home from the airport, be careful which one of your friends you ask to pick you up. If you pick one who is prone to making jokes, you risk being greeted with an embarrassing sign.

Reddit | Kat_lanta

6. I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger, but that license plate is. I think this is the person that Kanye West was talking about in his song. Hey, at least she’s honest about it.

Reddit | eyebrowfetish

7. If you start losing your hair, you can either be sad about it, or get excited because in a few years, you’ll have an awesome joke opportunity like this guy.

Reddit | BreakYourselfFool

8. Now this girl has a solid sense of humor. I would love to be friends with her, especially since her personality is 20/10! I think my favorite part of her entire bio is her occupation.

Twitter | @MEMESG0D

9. I like the responses by both the student and the teacher. You can tell that this teacher is probably every kid’s favorite because he knows how to have a good time.

Imgur | stargoslaby

10. These parents were walking around The Gap when they found their lookalikes and decided to impersonate them. Honestly, I think they might have a future in modeling if they wanted to.

Reddit | keesh75

11. The traffic signs in Utah are notorious for always having something witty to say. I would love to meet the person who’s in charge of writing these. I think this might be my dream job.

Reddit | JackTheScripter

12. When riding a motorcycle, sure you could wear a boring, regular helmet that will just protect your brain. Orrr you could put a mask over it and bring joy to every car and pedestrian that you pass while driving.

Reddit | proudwhytetrash

13. It was “Ranch Day” at their high school, and one kid decided to take a little different direction with it. I just found what I’m going as for Halloween this year.

Imgur | IBarrettl

14. If I owned a dog, you better believe that he’d be wearing this outfit 24/7. Seriously, if I saw this dog walking down the street, I wouldn’t stop laughing for the next hour.

Reddit | LordRekrus

15. This local, independent coffee shop decided to have a sense of humor and use a Starbucks mug as their toilet brush holder. Shots fired. The ball’s in your court, Starbucks.

Reddit | daviedrew

16. Their sales to young basics increase by 200% during the fall. Rumor has it that if you wear a pair of Uggs into the store, you’ll receive an additional 15% off your tires.

Reddit | colby979

17. This kid has a great sense of humor. Most people in his situation would be angry about receiving a gift like this, but he’s owning it. This is the attitude that makes the world a better place.

Reddit | Taran_McDohl

18. Poor guy doesn’t have a girlfriend to be his passenger, but thanks to his solid sense of humor, Barbie got to go for a ride. I would love to see this cute couple cruising down the road.

Reddit | Empire-Maker

19. There’s nothing like a father showing his children love and affection. I would hate to be the doctor to tell this guy that he’s not allowed to do certain things. Chances are, he’s not going to listen.

Twitter | @spliced_

20. After Hurricane Harvey, Houston needed a bit of humor to cheer people up, and this guy nailed it. I hope that someone takes him up on the offer. I’m sure the water damage will buff right out.

Reddit | colby979

21. You must always throw a safeguard in there.

With T-Swift out there singing, “Look what you made me do,” it gives people permission to totally blame others for their actions.

Instagram | @nochill

22. An eight-pack might have been a little overzealous.

I am not entirely sure how this made him feel better, but his Twitter profile pic would suggest he is quite proud.

Instagram | @kalesalad

23. Such a good call.

But I’m now stuck wondering what is that button actually for? The word “chaos” also always makes me think about Jeff Goldblum, so that’s a bit of alright.

Instagram | @unilad

24. They’re good. They are good.

Too bad my self-esteem has been crushed over the years and they would not make a penny over me. Didn’t think about that, did ya?

Instagram | @unilad

25. This is savage trolling at its best!

Not a bad game if you have a keen eye for up-and-comers. But for a small-time revenge scheme, it seems like it’s pretty legit.

Instagram | @unilad

26. Cats are jerks and deserve to be shamed as often as possible.

This little A-hole thought his antics were funny. Who’s laughin’ now, Mittens? Now all your Facebook friends know.

Reddit | warrant2k

27. She is not wrong.

They have even achieved the same level of voluminous body throughout the style. And their color is identical. They must go to the same salon and ask for “The Nancy.”

Instagram | @kalesalad

28. In life it’s important to be comfortable with who you are.

And if that means you’re Spider-Man, then freakin’ be Spider-Man! If by “dressing up,” they meant fancy clothes, well, it doesn’t get much fancier than that.

Instagram | @miinute

29. It’s one thing to be chill during tough times, but it’s something else entirely when it’s the middle of a war.

The only place on whose behalf I’d fight in a civil war is Flavortown!

Reddit | KronosIII

30. Sometimes you gotta go out of your comfort zone and take a risk or two.

Tyler here doubts the qualifications of the mortgage adviser, but I think he’s a good boy! Good boy!

Instagram | @wot_u_sayin_tho

31. This is definitely a dad’s idea of keeping chill.

Yep, nothing like a good dad joke — probably because there’s no such thing as a good dad joke. But this is adorable nonetheless.

Instagram

32. Nothing like luring your prey into a deadly trap.

I think he just wanted to make a cool place for these ants’ last moment on earth.

Instagram | @wot_u_sayin_tho

33. This guy is dedicated to finding max chill with a good doggo.

You know, I don’t think there’s anything weird about this. Dogs are sick! Hey, I know a mortgage adviser he’d love!

Instagram | @x__antisocial_butterfly__x

34. Just let him chill, bro. Just let him chill.

That’s one laid-back trash panda, but I probably would’ve freaked out. Not this person, though. I bet they’re good friends now.

Instagram

35. Looks like it runs in the family.

Instagram | @miinute

36. Bill Nye has absolutely zero chill about the realities of climate change.

Seriously, people. Bill Nye is fire, but global warming is a real problem, and the planet needs to chill out.

Tumblr | creativekandi

(C)

[skyquack-blog]

I am in such a bad mood you guy's A survivor story WiLL FolloW Legit this is a story of triumph and survival... Please read this. If i ever post anything important THIS is it so please for me read this!! This is my story and its pretty amazing. :'( Here i want all ya'll judging me right now to read this and think about it for a moment okay... This is what i wish would happen to you ass holes who cant keep you fucking opnions and scruteny to yourself... Okay!! Go back in time and be essentially a "shut in" with no actual friends to hang out with or talk to mostly because your suffering from certin aspects of schizophrenia that you as well as your family arent aware of... so here we are living under a rock way more quiet than the average human being dealing with weird ass issues like hearing voices and feeling like people can hear your thoughts and feel your emptional states so as a result you shut up and keep to yourself all the time... Then for the first time ever since ever you move to town and get yourself a friend who is mind you border line psychotic but she likes you and shes fun... now 6 months of this and suddenly BOOM your pregnant at 17... your baby daddy dont wanna hang around dont seem to give a fuck bout you even tho he does ect... Spend the next 2 years of your life fighting hard core yelling matches breaking things in a desperate ploy to get your baby daddy to fucking come home... Fight like this hard every day damn near for 2 fucking years b4 you finally give up... Then at 20 i want you to be the single mom of 2 children work every day pay all your own bills take care of and try to raise 2 kids all the while looking back on your bad relationship trying to find a new better more loving and equal partner ship (as a parent so young mind you your only 20)... and now here is for the fun part... Your 22 years old now and you found your self a psychopath... yup full on crazy ass mother fucking manipulative beyond your wildest understanding of manipulation im talking weird mk ultra shit going on and you fall head over heels in love... Great things are stupid as fuck by now but hey your in love who care right??? Well they get even dumber for some unknown reason to you still to this day your kids dad and his family decide to rip your 3 year olkd son away from you and your in a state of total SHOCK and cant seem to even think............ Cant even think........... Your still in shock....... Your son is gone. SEVERAL MONTHS PASS B4 your even allowed to talk to him........ your 3 year old son.... its just you the baby and the psychopath and daily texts from your BFF..... You finally push loosing physical custody and not being abel to have ANY contact with your son of which YOU HAVE COMPLETLY TAKEN CARE OF AND RAISED BY YOUR FUCKING SLEF so deep down insode of you it hurts even to simply think about him but now you get to visit CAUTIOUSLY btw.... Are we done yet??? NOPE!!! Alrigh well now your 23 god damn years old you survived a horrible relationship screaming and fighting, having your 3 year old son ripped away from you DATING A PSYCHOPATH (which has its own uneik set of fucking issues btw like rejection on a constant basis as well as being manipulated into self destruction yourself as well as your life without knowing your doing it) Dating a psychopath.... LOOK IT UP and suddenly out of no fucking ware you go through one of THE MOST INTENSE ONSETS OF SCHIZOPHRENIA most people and doctors could imagine happening to somebody... I mean normally people notice little symptoms like hearing voices and shit... Its already a rare brain disorder but its even less frequent for somebody to go through a full blown psychosis... Thats you... That 1 in 1million out of a billion going through a psychosis RAISING 2 CHILDREN IN LOVE WITH A PSYCHOPATH MENDING A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP WITH THERE CONTROLLING ANGRY FATHER ECT... EVERYONE THINKS YOUR HIGH ON DRUGS AND YOUR NOT.... Also not only are you experiencing this intense onset but your BFF ditches you cuz shes a huge attention whore bitch and suddenly you actually need her to be there ONLY for you and she just cant have that in her life so now your alone in the world... AGAIN!! For several years actually... You spend years recovering yourself your personality your ability to properly communicat eand associate or identify with yourself and the world around you because yeah the onset was that bad... Your relearnign and TEACHING YOURSELF how to human agin (nobody knows nobody gives a fuck) it was bad people... really really bad!!! Okay cool you think you have been through enough so quickly right i mean like within a 3 or 4 year time span you've encountered the worst of the worst for the most part loosing your son giving up week days with you daughter DATING A PSYCHOPATH that stupid relationship that was hugely stressful Did i mention that you were working full time paying all yo bills on yo own taking care of yo kiddow by yourself living essentially completly isolated at least 20 minutes to half an hour away from EVERYBODY you know you indapendent as fuck b4 this onset... SOBER dont even drink!! Your good to go... like good to fucking go... But no during this onset you loose your JOB ($10 an hour mind you that you were bad ass at and loved and ready to retire from) you loose your car you loose your house (for the better part of owning a home you cant live in it anymore) you LOOSE YOUR GOD DAMN MIND LITERALLY its gone schizo psychosis took it from you and held you captive no joke... your insane... considering your an adult now and not a child and your less susceptable to things you should be done by now right... NOPE so your by this point LONELY as fuck and kind of clueless cuz why has life been so hard for me man like i didnt intentionally fuck shit up for myself you know... i really honestly didnt... and you have a new outlook on things which is kind of really uneik considering how things have gone for you, your boundaries thanks to the schizo are all fucked up and off but you have managed to like regain certin aspects of your personality enough to feel strong and confident and your head on going itno life full force with hope and determination you got a year and a half of university under your belt ect... your not done... Your addicted to meth right now... yup whole heartedly consuming the shit out of one of the worst drugs IN THE WORLD right now... You know your addicted (your 26 btw) and your doing your absoulte best to quit (have i mentioned thanks to the schizo you pretty much went a year without physical custody of your other kiddo just so you could actually manage that year and a half in college which killed you every singel day to be away from her so that was hard) well even though your really trying to stop like really trying so hard you call 911 one night and ask an officer for help... okay cool your like a fucking METH ADDICT HERO by all tweeker standards lolz Well you go to some friends for help and instead of keeping it in the family they call DFS and even though you have done EVERYTIHG in your power INCLUDING giving you kiddow to friends of the family to look after while you go to rehab ect... yeah now you actually legally lost custody of your kid... The light of your life is gone... YOU ARE ALONE IN THE WORLD NOW... (both your fucking kids have been taken from you OMFG your entire life has been built arounf being a fuckin parent and now your nothing but a drug addict... they say time dont matter but dang a year on meth and my ENTIRE LIFE DISSAPEARED BEFORE MY EYES) you have nobody and nothing to look forward to on a dily baisis now... what do you do though?? By now youd think with all you been through how lonely you are how much of yourself and your life and the people you love that you have lost youd sink into a full blown life destroying meth addction... NOPE you actually get clean... YOU GOT SOBER OFF METH OF ALL DRUGS against all the odds set before you YOU GOT CLEAN (does anybody care nope) god i mean your not a success story at all by now. Not only have you survived being a single mom at such a young age as well as survived an tramatizing schizophreina onset loosing both of your kids and got away from a PSYCHOPATH but now you have survived a fucking meth addiction... JESUS CHRIST YOUR AN INSPIRATION do people think this about you??? NO not at all... your a looser fuck up crazy weirdo... damn and you thought you were doing good... nope... not yet... All you had through all of this was your mom. figures the strongest person you know is your fucking mom. Like nobody has survived as much shit as your mom accept you by this point. Sooo thanks mom for always being there when i needed you the most.. okay cool so here we are 7 fucking years later things have chilled out FINALLY for sure you got this after all that bull shit your pretty much back to normal and you got shit under control... K well i want you to look around and realize that nobody gives a shit... Your a LEGIT survivor and not one fucking person (welp accept oyur mom cuz shes the only one who really knows) gives a shit and people are constantly judging you thinkning you should have a job and be trying harder at life ect... You not doing the mom thing well enough your not doing the stay at home wife thing well enough your not being a productive member of society ect... Go through all that stereotypical DIFFICULT and CHALLENGING as well as RARE INSANITY and loss and then well and then place yourself under as much scrutiny as you can possibly imagin... Look around and realize that all the people in your life (beside maybe your mom) think your a puriah of the system cuz your living off a dissability check (a whopping $500 a month) a crazy weirdo your nothing but an insane weirdo looser lazy person... The only way anyobody will ever have any respect for you is if you get a pathetic $8 an hour job and pull yourself away from life as you know it now and work like the rest of humanity... GET A FUCKING JOB AND BE A BETTER PARENT BECAUSE YOUR A POS int he eyes of a lot of people close to you... CLEAN YOUR FUCKING KITCHEN AND COOK 9 course meals every single day... Your a looser I feel like dying right now... No joke :/ Im having a really bad fucking day~!!!!! Somebody mail me a fucking gold star okay!!