#honestly the only way i will EVER except zero is if it’s one of jax’s awful movies

[hidingoutbackstage]

WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM

[bihansthot]

Rules for Asks and whatnot

Ok, so this is totally my fault for not laying this stuff out at first, honestly I didn’t really think I’d get any asks so there’d be no real reason to make a post like this. Much to my surprise and delight though I am getting asks so I thought I’d lay out a couple of rules. Hmm I don’t really like the word rules here though, so maybe guidelines is better??

Starting off with characters I’ll write for:

Bi-Han (both Sub-Zero and Noob Saibot), Kuai Liang, Smoke, Rain, Reptile, Ermac, Erron Black, Motaro, Reiko and Kollector

Characters I MIGHT write for (if you’re a mutual or lay on the flattery thick enough to the point I start believing I might do an OK job writing these I’ll give it a shot): Johnny, Kano, Raiden, Shang Tsung, Goro, Kintaro ,Baraka, Sektor,, Cyrax, Movado , Onaga

Characters I WON’T write: (these are characters that just aren’t my cup of tea/there are already really good writers out there doing them better than I ever could: All the female characters (with maybe the exception of Frost if she’s interacting with Kuai Liang or something like that), Kabal, Shao Kahn, Quan Chi Jax, Havik, Fujin, Hotaru, Liu Kang, Kung Lao, Chameleon, Nightwolf , Stryker Shinnok, Jarek, Kai, Meat, Tremor, Blaze, Bo'Rai Cho, Drahmin ,Hsu Hao, Kenshi, Mokap, Dairou, Darrius, Kobra, Shujinko, Daegon, Taven, Kotal, Kung Jin, Takeda Takahashi, Geras, Scorpion

So, that takes care of characters I’ll write for, as far as asks/prompts I’ll do, I’m not going to answer asks with fictional characters you give me no background for or made up relatives. I will be happy to do reader inserts and your OCs no problem, just let me know what kind of person they are, give me details! I will most definitely do smut, not safe for work/tumblr asks, or just general fluff, what I’m less comfortable with is like romance or angst, that’s not to say I won’t write it, it’s just something I’m not as skilled at and might take longer to post. For generic requests that could be taken multiple ways (like the prior request I had about Noob and his S/O in bed) I’m going to ask you guys to specify if you want smut or not. 

Speaking of smut, I’m happy to write all genders, sexualities, and body types, but I NEED you to specify what you’re OC/reader insert is for me to do a good job with it. If you’re uncomfortable putting it in the ask, just message me, I am a completely judgement free person and will never, ever make fun of/insult or hurt a person just because of things they can’t change. 

As far as smut goes, I’m a 37 year old t-rex, I don’t care what you want me to write I’ll most likely do it, the only things I won’t touch are feet, watersports and scat, they aren’t my thing, if you love it, awesome for you, but it’s just something I can’t get into or do a good job writing. As far as “taboos” go, it’s the internet, I’m a mature human being that realizes just because I write it doesn’t mean I condone it, I also realize they’re fictional characters so who the fuck cares what they do. So feel free to get weird with the asks guys, I want you to enjoy reading them!

Sorry this got so long, I just wanted to clarify some things. lol Thanks for all the love and support and to all who’s requested so far, and I look forward to writing more in the future!

Currently accepting requests for: I’m currently only going to write for Bi-Han (Sub-Zero or Noob) or my Self Insert, I just don’t have enough interest to write about anyone else. I’ll do any version of Bi-Han, game, TV, movie, I don’t care which, they’re all amazing. I will do Sub-Zero Bros stuff too but no solo Kuai stuff. I will also happily do Lin Kuei lore asks. I’m always open for trades (fics, art, mood boards etc.) though so if you’re interested in someone other than Bi-Han DM me and we can work something out, I will do any kharacter even ones on my ‘no’ list for trades. I’m also open to commissions but I don’t have a sheet made up for that and honestly I prefer trades. If you want an NSFW trade though I want something NSFW in return. I’ll still do smut asks but I’m limiting it to two a month and I’m only going to write it if I’m feeling it, I get too burnt out otherwise. I will always answer NSFW questions about Bi-Han, I just mean full blow Bi-Han x reader asks that inevitably turn into fics as two per month. I’ll do self ship as well as Bi-Han x Sol questions if you’re curious about my ships. My anons are back on and haters will be roasted or ignored, so don’t abuse the box, thanks.

ALL ASKS ARE OPEN

[sasorikigai]

@paindealt asked.... (aka the MK Kommunity Rambler)

Honestly YESSSS. That's what I love about Sub-Zero and Scorpion, and just Mortal Kombat characters. Is that they're IRONIC, and they have things about them that intentionally contradicts what character they're supposed to be. And that? Makes them feel more realistic imo. With a lot of characters in medias, they tend to fit one role/mold (like the stoic one, or the angry one, the funny one etc etc) which makes them feel one dimensional. But not the MK kast. Not only what we just talked about. 

Raiden is another fine example. Like, he's this wise mentor character -- yet he FUCKS UP so badly. In fact, lots of people blame Raiden for the key problems in the series. Like Earthrealm's defender, yet he led characters' to their deaths, technically tried to sell their souls, became a "bad" (or "dark") for a little bit. Like Raiden is that wise old guy, but he's far from perfect, and even his wisdom is of no help. And I just find that very interesting about the kast & why I love them so. 

The Mortal Kombat characters just SURPRISE you. And not in an ooc/bad writing sort of way. They're like REAL PEOPLE, and not only do they have a lot of history -- but you find out things about them you wouldn't expect. And it's why the MK games are my FAVORITE fighting series, just because the series really aced their characters and they're so good.

Like Kuai for example... when we see him older, it feels like he's actually aged. His younger self seemed more emotional, more liable to do something impulsive without thinking. (Example; going to straight on kill Scorpion for his brother without considering the circumstances). And then we see older Kuai and how much he's matured, how much wiser he became, and overall a man of peace. Yet... he STILL feels like the Kuai Liang we know. They did an amazing job with realistically aging Kuai up. 

Same with Johnny and his younger self. And I know I'm rambling now. But MK just does an AMAZING job with its characters and I am impressed by it. Yes, there are still some ooc stuff, or they didn't do a character justice... (such as the death of Hanzo). But for the most part, they're good at writing realistic & interesting characters and except for a select few (mostly from the ps2/3d games era) I honestly adore all the characters. 

I love that they’re both ICONIC and IRONIC, and despite their supernatural abilities and exceedingly and excruciatingly tragic lives, I believe they are two of the most relatable and characters who one can sympathize with the most. I called it their duality, but also, it’s their complexity and humanness that initially intrigued me to nab Hanzo Hasashi/Scorpion and Kuai Liang/Sub-Zero as my dual-muses (obviously)!

To begin, the premise of my blog’s creation (based on the word cathexis, which means THE CONCENTRATION OF MENTAL ENERGY ON one particular person, idea, or object (ESPECIALLY TO AN UNHEALTHY DEGREE - which I headcanoned here). Basically, it has to do with Hanzo’s most woeful tragedy that only has brought him a vicissitude od descension; with the loss of his life, his family and his clan, he has lost self-control, governance, freedom and humanity. By accepting the hubbed hell and excruciating suffering by letting himself be forged in hellfire, Scorpion not only lengthened his life (if he were to simply accept his fate without vengeance, then Hanzo Hasashi obviously would have not existed ever), he found the sole, one-track mind to seek out the one who annihilated his life to charcoal dust and exact revenge, to cause equally excruciating suffering against anyone who had been complicit in his clan’s demise (most notably Bi-Han, Quan Chi, Shinnok and Sektor, amongst the others who are subordinates under them). 

Despite Scorpion’s motive being immoral and wrong, I cannot help but to let it justified, because he too, is inwardly and outwardly suffering through his own hubbed hell and chaos and insanity. Through anger, there’s an associated sorrow and suffering and through vengeance, there’s self-destruction and emptiness that’s so humanly relatable and connect to. It’s also the universal idea that the concept of self-sustenance and familial love is what serves as the foundation of anyone’s fueled desire, responsibilities and duties. 

Through his suffering, depression and PTSD that continue to haunt him, despite taking more than two decades to free himself from the shackle of the past and let Harumi and Satoshi’s death become the fuel for his fiery passion to protect the Earthrealm at all the cost and regain his humanity and redeem himself, Hanzo’s redemption arc is essentially what drove me towards Mortal Kombat and especially MK11. It is a poignant, emotionally-changing makeover of an individual who literally has gone through hell and back, to be killed multiple times only to be resurrected and come back even more stronger, and gradually purified towards the good side with his solemn vow becoming evermore stronger. I especially like the fact that the franchise’s quintessential antihero got a huge transformation, to serve the side of good for seemingly the first time, without wrath and revenge, only to meet the most noblest death one can suffer through the all (through the allegory of retelling of The Scorpion and The Frog). 

Kuai Liang is one of those people who you immediately feel sympathetic for; he’s your quintessential good guy who has also suffered so many hardships, yet the stacked experiences of the past has only made him kinder and wiser; he IS perhaps the most miserable character (next to Hanzo) in my opinion. 

His clan (or most of it anyway) gets forcefully converted under Cyber Initiative. And that's after Kuai Liang rebuild it piece by piece, to add insult to injury.

His protégé Frost absolutely hates his guts, betrays him, cyberizes herself and even leads the new Cyber Initiative that perverts everything his Lin Kuei vision stands for. He's obviously hurt by it too, as seen in one of his intros ("Was I such a bad mentor?").

His friend Cyrax has to be put down literally right after he's freed from the cyber mainframe.

His other friend Smoke is trapped in Netherrealm according to Noob Saibot (Bi-Han) who taunts him with his.

According to his Story Ending, his biggest wish is to redeem his brother which is quite obviously not happening anytime soon without the Hourglass and in the main story line.

From many of his intros it seems that as a Grandmaster, he lives a lonely life. He straight up tells Cetrion that "love gets in the way" and both Jax and Johnny note that he doesn't socialize much outside of his Lin Kuei duties.

He makes peace with Hanzo and both become respected equals and brothers in arms. Hanzo then gets promptly killed by D'Vorah and Kuai Liang is understandably upset about it ("This is for Hanzo" intro with D'vorah).

In a lot of his intros with Jade, he constantly badgers her to join the Lin Kuei and she always refuses (funnily enough, in her intro with Scorpion she's more than eager to prove she can join the Shirai Ryu, despite not being from Earthrealm).

He keeps getting his ass whooped in almost all trailers or promotional videos.

Add on top all he had to endure throughout MK9 and the MKX comics (forcefully cyberized, killed by Sindel, then painfully "remade" again into a Revenant, gets tainted by the Kamidogu dagger, Scorpion almost kills him etc.).

Sub-Zero deserves major respect. He’s been through all this, and wasn’t seduced by Kronika’s promise of a new era and still remains resilient and headstrong and a beacon of hope in Raiden’s army against the Keeper of time. 

I obviously concentrated on Hanzo and Kuai, because I love them much more than the other MK rosters (obviously), but I definitely agree that Netherrealm Studios has done such an amazing job not only fleshing out their characters and giving them relatable growth and development, but different facets of their characters that become so intriguing and contradicting in a sense. Hanzo could be stern, hot-headed and intimidating outward, yet he’s perceptive, astute and compassionate to those who deserve his trust, loyalty and love. Kuai is your ever-stoic, phlegmatic individual who hides all of his pain and suffering inward, yet he’s so open about his philosophies and is able to crack ice puns or partaking in pranks, etc. They’re so multifaceted and the possibilities are endless, which makes them two of the most amazing characters.

 TL:DR; I FUCKING LOVE THEM SM.

[romancevsreality-blog]

vanderpump rules, season six, episode four: if you get mcdonalds delivered to your house get out of my life

I truly believe this week’s opening song crooner is the worst yet. Imagine Ariana Grande’s voice, but without the passionate depth? Also, it defintely makes the least amount of sense - “When we fall, we never mind, mind, mind?” I FUCKING MIND. As a person who falls a lot - and not even in the charming romantic comedy kind-of-way - I’m reaching the age where if I fall, I’m genuinely concerned for my personal safety. I sprained my tailbone over the summer and ever since then I’m convinced I need a LifeAlert bracelet or else it’s over for me.

We’re at Jax and Brittany’s apartment, and there’s a sleeping dog1 and it’s 12:07 pm. Brittany, Katie Baloney, and Scheana are all just rising for the day. Stassi walks in and cracks a beer, and we learn that the previous night’s Let’s Burn Jax To The Ground Yearbook Signing Party moved its way to Brittany’s apartment and went well into the morning. Katie’s gushing over Tom Schwartz for whatever reason, and Stassi had Taco Bell delivered.

Okay, I don’t get that.

Like, the idea of getting McDonalds or Burger King or any kind of Shame Food delivered to my apartment feels like rock bottom for me. I can’t imagine spending enough money at any of those places to justify having it delivered to me. Then again, I haven’t had Taco Bell since I left Detroit, so. Maybe there’s just something I’m missing?

Scheana asks Brittany if she’s still joining her and Lala on a private jet to Vegas. We never get a response because Katie feels the need to get all sanctimonious about Lala’s “sugar daddy married boyfriend”. He’s not married, they’re separated, and Katie still can’t shut her damn mouth about Lala. I just can’t imagine being the kind of person who’d get upset when someone spreads their generosity around. Who cares how Lala got the private jet? She asked Scheana and Brittany to join her, and that’s nice.

Can we go back to not having Katie on our screens again? It’s bad enough that her turtle glasses match her leopard/turtle wristlet tattoo

Oh, hello, Villa Rosa! Hello swans! Hello Toms! Apparently they listened to “Lose Yourself” by Eminem to pump themselves up for this meeting because… okay, honestly, “Lose Yourself” hits hard at a certain time and place, but also these dudes are basically Michael Phelps. I don’t know what would have made me roll my eyes harder, them saying this, or like, A Tribe Called Quest’s “Scenario.”

Who am I kidding - these boys don’t know who A Tribe Called Quest is. Busta Rhymes to them is the guy from The Rugrats Movie soundtrack who did that song with Chris Brown2.

They’re nervous, and Lisa and Ken are lounging, covered in dogs, lying in wait for the Toms. Lisa’s narrating what’s going on between them, and says unless they’re showing some sort of enthusiasm, she’s out. The Toms also happened to have gone pretty hard the night before under the guise of “helping Jax”. When has “helping Jax” ever worked out for anyone?! Needless to say, our boys are hungover. Lisa asked if they got lost between the gate and the house as soon as she sees them. Right now, Lisa’s not feeling the partnership because she’s concerned about their negativity. She wants their commitment - both in emotion and in money. $120,000 for 10% of the restaurant. They’re both hesitant because das a lot of money.

Lisa’s not negotiating, either. Schwartz wants $50,000 each for 5% of the restaurant, and suddenly I wonder why Lisa Vanderpump isn’t on Shark Tank.

CAN I JUST GET THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF SHARK TANK? Imagine: Sonja Morgan pitching her toaster ovens to Kevin O

’Leary, Bethenny, Notorious Billionaire Entrepreneur And Outspoken Owner Of The Dallas Mavericks Mark Cuban, Mauricio Umansky, and Kandi Burruss.

Bravo, give me a call.

Lisa and Ken are okay with that. They’re partners. All Lisa wants is enthusiasm, positivity, and their money. That’s all!

Scheana asks if Jax is ever coming back to the apartment, and as soon as that happens, he walks in and he’s immediately pissed. He’s mad that the girls are there, the house is a mess, people are dying of cancer, he’s mad because he’s 450 years old and he just wants to be in his own home. Jax says Brittany isn’t as devastated as she’s claiming and she’s milking it all for attention, and Brittany flips. Because that’s a fucked up thing to say. You don’t get to hurt people and then criticize how they cope, Jax. You don’t get to hurt people and tell them how to react to you, Jax. You just don’t get to hurt people, Jax. I don’t blame Brittany for trying to kick him out of their apartment. He came in hot and they weren’t doing anything to him except sitting there, breathing. He feels like he’s been ambushed and Stassi’s right when she points out that he’s just pointing fingers at them to deflect blame for his fuck up by lying to her by omission about Faith. He continues to tell her she can’t tell him how to behave in his own house while trying to tell her how to behave in her house and sees zero irony in any of that.

Brittany’s hurt, and she told him how she was going to react to it - she was going to lose her mind and be upset for a while and she didn’t want to talk to him about it. He’s not listening to her. Jax really just doesn’t care about Brittany’s feelings whatsoever - he’s more focused on covering his own ass. He needs the validation that comes from cheating and the validation that no matter how terribly he treats her, his partner will continue to allow this cycle of abuse to continue.

WE GET TO HEAR T.I.P3 while Tom and Tom cruise and celebrate their new partnership. I mean, I just love the idea of someone using their own music as hype music. They’re just hoping they don’t disappoint Lisa Vanderpump, which won’t be hard considering who they are. Sandoval gets a call from Ariana, who is very busy and important so she won’t be able to take time out of her day to leave and have sex with Tom Sandoval. It’s okay, Schwartz is offering Katie up if Sandoval’s interested, and I have never wanted anything less in my entire life.

The Toms return to Katie and Tom’s apartment, where Stassi and Baloney are hanging out. The Toms come in and basically do my favorite thing (no) which is when people have good news and pretend like they have bad news. No one is so on edge that they care as much as you two do about this. Sandoval’s like, “Yeah, it’s a bummer I might not be working at Sexy Unique Restaurant in a few months because we’re OPENING A BAR!!!!!” And Schwartz is just happy that in his thirties someone decided to give him a restaurant. Fairly certain Schwartz has no idea how the world actually operates. Then again, the only job he’s ever had was 90 minutes at PUMP before he had to leave, so.

Katie’s just so happy that Tom seems to be making an investment into the future instead of spending all of their money on video games and differing apparatuses from which to drink beer. Katie’s just happy that the guy she married because he was hot is actually trying to be an adult for the first time in his thirty-something years of existence.

Cool Girl Ariana comes over to Scheana’s apartment, where Scheana is packing for Vegas and I’m pretty sure i have her entire outfit and have worn it relatively recently. I’m a big fan of oversized flannel shirts and like, mini dresses. Ariana asks Scheana what happened in the morning at Jax’s. Ariana’s bummed she missed Brittany taking a swing at Jax, and honestly at this point, he’s so old that a light breeze might knock him over and he’ll shatter into a million cocaine-filled pieces.

Queen Lalar comes over wearing a shirt covered in drawings of her face and my heart swoons. Lalar’s been juicing so her Summer Body is ready for Vegas. They’re taking a private jet provided by Lalar’s boyfriend. I love Lala’s logic as to how she gets on private jets - if you’re not ugly and have tits, you can get on a private jet. I actually can’t understate how true that is. I mean, not speaking from personal experience, but honestly, if I knew someone with a private jet, I don’t think it would be hard to convince them to take me to like, Chicago4. Lala tells Ariana and Scheana she got her job back, and Scheana’s like, “Katie’s talking about your boyfriend again.”

Lala immediately gets heated and starts making fun of Katie because let’s be real - Katie’s not mad that Lala’s boyfriend was separated and started dating a younger girl, Katie’s mad that she married a dude with zero ambition and her looks couldn’t get her an older dude with a jet. Sorry. Katie’s still maintaining the lie about Katie, and Lala’s like, “they all call me a homewrecker and I’m the one being accused of attacking people?” Lala says she’s gonna pop Katie if she continues to talk about it, because she thought they were cool now. And if Katie’s going to go low, so can Lala. She says that Tom Schwartz made out with her friend recently - as in while he was married to Katie5. Apparently when Katie was away in New York at some point, Tom was all over Lala’s friend Allie, calling her “bubba” and being all touchy-feely. Lala was like, “I wasn’t gonna say shit but then she came for me first, so. Who cares if her life is ruined, that’s karma.”6 Ariana basically agrees to talk to Schwartz about it at Guillermo’s birthday.

Stassi’s at Villa Rosa, and Stassi’s running behind for prep for Guillermo’s surprise birthday, and guess what? Event planning is fucking hard. Colin Cowie and David Tutera make it look easy but every step of planning any kind of party (and don’t get me started on weddings) takes fifteen logistical steps to make sure things occur when they should. Oh, you want bows for your chairs? What color? Oh, that color doesn’t come in the fabric you chose. What fabric? Oh, that fabric only fits around certain types of chairs. Nothing about event planning is easy. Event coordination is even harder and I seriously have mad respect for anyone who makes that shit happen. Lisa gives Stassi her black AMEX and basically is like, “use this, don’t get into trouble.”

And then Stassi starts filling up her PrettyLittleThing and Missguided shopping carts.

Jax and Schwartz are at Society Kitchen, and honestly, the only reason that I would ever move to LA is that even their breakfast restaurants serve liquor at like, 8 AM. Also, that menu looks amazing. They order something called “fried guacamole” and Jax shames Schwartz into picking french fries over a side salad. Schwartz acts like he’s never seen anything fried when the fried guacamole comes to the table, and I don’t know - the idea of biting into something brown and it being soft and green on the inside actually makes me kind of nauseous. But then again, I don’t have an orgasm every single time I think of an avocado like some people7.

Jax has been uninvited from working Guillermo’s party because Brittany’s working, too, but Jax, who is the inspiration for the 1938 play Gaslight, which is where the term gaslighting originated, had a chance to talk to her without the bias of her friends, and it seems like they’re at least a bit better now. Schwartz is like, “dude, were you not just about to move out like, two days ago? Give her time.” Honestly, I think if Brittany had moved out, Jax would have been fine with that and fine with them breaking up. He doesn’t want to do any work or put in any external effort, so they’re staying together because he just doesn’t want to deal with the stress of moving.

Schwartz gives the suggestion of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” kind of situation - aka, an open relationship between Brittany and Jax. And honestly, if Jax’s self-esteem wasn’t linked so deeply with his psyche, I would say that would be his ideal situation. But again, he cheats primarily for validation from his partner and from external sources - if you take the “betrayal” part out of it, it’s useless. The appeal is gone if you don’t get the drama or the attention out of it.

Meanwhile, Stassi’s like, “how do people work? Every day? How do they do things?’ Life funded by Instagram Sponsorships sounds great. Getting paid $5k to post a photo? How do I get this life? Stassi’s overwhelmed, but honestly, she seems to do a decent job of delegating. And when you’re event planning, 70% of the job is just pointing and telling people what to do while pretending everything’s okay8. Everyone’s there! Tom! Katie! Kristen! Ariana! Kristen’s weird non-factor boyfriend! Everyone has jackets gently draped over their shoulders because it’s LA, you don’t need an actual coat.

Katie, Kristen, Stassi, and Brittany (who is working, poor thing) are all standing around chatting. Kristen’s been doing this weird thing lately where she just like, fawns over her friends in this really strange, inauthentic way. She’s like, “Brittany, you always look like a Victoria’s Secret model, even when your boyfriend is being a huge fucking asshole.” It’s such a weird thing to say - not that I’m against complimenting people, but it feels so PLEASELIKEMEPLEASELIKEMEINEEDAJOBONTHISSHOWTOAFFORDMYLIFEPLEASEPLEASECAMERATIMEPLEASE. Brittany’s done talking about Jax, at least for the moment, and she wants to work through the entire situation by herself, and when she talks to her friends about it, she gets worked up and emotional and that’s not the easiest way to make decisions.

Again: Brittany is better than these people, and certainly better than me. I’m immensely emotional and very impulsive, and I have a tendency to try to hurt people when I feel they’ve hurt me. I often go to my friends not for advice, but to be a ranting sounding board, and it’s not a great quality. I’m aware of it. I’m working on it. But good for Brittany for being like, “I need to figure this all out on my own, thank you for supporting me in this endeavor.”

Jax meets DJ James Kennedy, LMFAO at some random bar, and the idea of just the two of them hanging out together alone makes me concerned for everyone else in that bar. I feel like just being around each other will create a super-STD. No sexual contact required, just their aromas is enough. I mean, they start with shots of absinthe, and I’m 100% sure none of the preparation shown is how one drinks absinthe. Like, absinthe is both amazing9 and disgusting10 but if not properly prepared it’s basically like drinking Draino. It takes a long time, and it’s a thorough process that literally requires something to DRIP for a while.

But then again these are garbage people with garbage taste so they don’t care, they’re there to get drunk on Pernod.

James takes his shot and it ain’t no thang. Jax takes his shot and I’m genuinely concerned for him becuse he’s 850 years old and 136-proof alcohol could literally kill him. And it basically does, but not enough for my liking. Effectively, Jax is basically Jason Bateman in this scene from Extract11. Old man, can’t keep up.

Back at Sexy Unique Restaurant, Stassi is lighting sparklers and we get another chance to celebrate a public-domain usage of “Happy Birthday”. The cake has edible flowers on it. Eurgh. Guillermo reminds Tom & Tom that it’s them next, and they better not fuck it up.

Ariana takes this moment to take Tom Schwartz aside, and we get the first appearance of my personal favorite location on this show, The Sexy Unique Restaurant Back Alley By The Motorcycles and A Dumpster. Ariana’s like “I’m really dreeeeading talking to you about this,” and meanwhile inside, Katie’s like, “Where’s my HUSBAND?” I literally hate Katie because I know she’s the girl who as soon as she got a ring, she stopped referring to her significant other by his name. No, she wants to make sure you know how special she is so he’s no longer “Tom,” he’s “My Fiance/Husband”. Ariana rips the Band-Aid off quickly and tells Tom that she heard about him making out with someone a few months back.

Tom immediately denies it, or at least is basically like, “Yeah, I don’t remember that night.” We’re reminded of the last time this happened, and that Tom has a track record of just getting blackout drunk and not knowing what he did. And yeah, Jax does it, but Schwartz… has a drinking problem. He drinks to get blacked out, and frequently. He denies his behavior but he also doesn’t remember anything about that night. Ariana’s like, “you need to deal with this. Now.”

Tom compares his drunken self to a werewolf, and it’s like he sees that as a good thing. Even in his talking heads he’s a mess. He looks like he just got out of court-ordered rehab and is going to see his probation officer after being on a bender.

Jax and James are taking snaps together and pretending like they’re wasted on absinthe. With the amount these two drink on a regular basis, they’re not getting wasted on two shots of absinthe. James tries to be like, “you know, absinthe is a hallucinogenic,” and they try to edit it like they’re sOoOoOO oUt Of It~ and it’s not. At least not in America. I wasn’t amused. Meanwhile, Brittany’s been hate-fucking Jax a lot lately, and Jax is fine with that becasue at least someone will still touch his old, craven, decrepit body. Jax basically describes the Madonna/Whore complex in which he wants a sweet, nice girl at home, and a ho in the streets. It’s not deep, Jax. Just because you just learned the word “complex” doesn’t make it deep.

Katie immediately senses that something’s up when Tom and Ariana arrive back at the party, and immediately inquires. Ariana’s like “SHUT. UP. TOM.” and Tom’s literally like, “Yeah, apparently I made out with some girl at a party a few months ago when I was soooooooo wasted.” Even the way he tells it sounds like he doesn’t take cheating on his wife seriously whatsoever. The look on Katie’s face is literally like, “I will stab this man with a cocktail stirrer.” As soon as Katie finds out Lala’s the one who told everyone, she gets upset, of course12.

Katie storms out with Kristen, and Stassi, Ariana, and Brittany chase after her. Stassi’s like, “why is this coming up NOW at my first party ever?” and doesn’t want to believe it considering the source was Lala, but as soon as Kristen says that Tom was the one who brought up the topic in the first place, you see the wheels in Stassi’s brain turning because she was so prepared to rail on Lala. Katie’s like, “What did I do to deserve this?” and I’m literally like, “How long do you have, Kathryn13?” Tom is so drunk when he comes out to talk to Katie, he’s like “don’t cry buuuuubbbbbbbaaaaaa”, and she’s like “What the fuck do you mean, don’t cry?”

Y’all know I try my very hardest to never be on Katie’s side when it comes to pretty much anything, but in this case, I’m on her side. Yes, there’s a part of me that probably knows that they manufactured this storyline because Katie got so much hate on social media that Tom decided to take the bullet for his wife this time, but also - he can’t stop doing this. He literally cannot stop cheating on her. She gives him freedom and he turns around and does this? I’m sure it’s not even about the making out part - it’s the constant embarassment and the fact that Tom cannot take any responsibility for his hand in any of his actions. Yes, you were blackout drunk, and you don’t remember it, but you did something during that time that was hurtful and harmful to someone you love. Why wouldn’t you take a moment for some introspection? Why wouldn’t you look at your drunken behavior and try to change it? He just seems so like, “Well, I was drunk so I don’t know if it really happened or not, I can’t take responsibility for something I was barely there for.” He really thinks because he can’t remember it makes it alright.

Katie yells, “Get it together. What is wrong with you?” and that is the appropriate response. He needs to be an adult. He needs to grow up. You’re a fucking married man in your thirties, Tom. Stop acting like every night is a frat party - that’s literally the fastest way to losing your looks, which we all know is the most important thing to you, because it’s what’s allowed you to continue being the emotionally-stunted immature puppy-boy we’ve been watching for six years. I don’t think he’s consciously trying to cheat, or wants to cheat on Katie or even not be with her. (I mean, he doesn’t want to be with her.) Even Lisa’s like, “What the FUCK, Tom? How can I trust you if you can’t even be trustworthy in your marriage?”

Katie’s embarrassed. And for the first time, it’s for a reason I agree with, and not her general… essence. Or those earrings.

Next Week: Scheana’s parched for Rob, but Rob’s out making out with everyone in Los Angeles. More of Schwartz vs. Katie. Jax and Brittany have a housewarming party. Lala’s there, and oh, she’s got audio recordings of Jax talking shit to Faith about Brittany.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Scheana looks completely gorgeous in that slate blue dress talking head. The most natural she’s looked in a very long time. I still can’t stand those claw nails with the nude nail polish, though.

TomTom is still an offensive name to me. I literally just get “Genius of Love” in my head.

Kristen, Kristen, Kristen. She looked a damn mess in this episode. 

I marvel at the fact that these people’s lifestyles are totally ruining their bodies in ways we can’t even imagine but... are they all slurring their words a lot more now? 

Why do I feel like their apartment is probably covered in dog shit? Like, pee pads everywhere? ↩︎

And they alllllllllll think they can do the Look At Me Now verse. ↩︎

Touch in Public is one of the best songs created by a Bravolebrity ever, come the fuck at me. ↩︎

Only to see Hillary, did you know we have a podcast? ↩︎

I was LIVING for Ariana’s face in this scene. She had the face of “oh god oh god oh god YES THIS IS SO JUICY oh god oh god” ↩︎

I hate how much I love Lala in this moment. She goes from 0-100 so quickly - but sometimes when you have a sore spot and someone pokes it, you gotta do what you gotta do. ↩︎

HOT TAKE: I think avocados are overrated and cabbage doesn’t get nearly enough respect. Red cabbage? Hot damn, shit's delicious. ↩︎

I was a host/maitre’d in restaurants for five years. I’ve never identified with anything as much as I have this comic. Sometimes I miss it and then I think about the worst nights I had in restaurants and I kind of spiral and thank god that I’m out. ↩︎

When I was in Prague for my study abroad, I bought a bottle of absinthe on my last night when I was hammered, packed it away, and then it shattered in my bag in transit. Everything I owned smelled like anise. Everything. ↩︎

Disgusting in that one of my worst hangovers was at an absinthe bar in Washington DC and sometimes just the smell of absinthe sends me right back there. Don’t mix tripels and absinthe. That is two high-alcohol drinks that should never be combined. Ever. That was the first time I ever took an Uber, though! Come to think of it, that night in Prague was a weird, gross hangover too. Maybe I need to stop drinking absinthe. PFFFFFFFFFFT, never. ↩︎

An underrated fucking brilliant movie. And the last time anyone could tolerate Ben Affleck in anything. ↩︎

I especially loved Sandoval rubbing his forehead in disappointment and saying, “this never would have happened under my watch.” If you have to treat your friends in the same way you treat an infant or a puppy, get new friends. ↩︎

I don’t know how Katie spells her full name but I’m assuming it’s like this. ↩︎

[coldtomyflash]

Couldn't the changes in Len's character in Legends be due to how he fell for Sara? With the one deleted scene they released it looked like it was almost love at first sight. He was kinder and more honest and open with her than anyone else including Lisa and Mick. No one saw through and understood him like she did ever before. His getting rid of Mick was more about him trying to hurt Sara than the team. And she was the one who got him to make up with Mick. It never would have happened without her

Anon, there is so much wrong here that I very strongly considered not answering because the only things I can say are to disagree with you and that’ll probably make you angry.

But, well, I was a little angry too, particularly at the line “His getting rid of Mick was more about him trying to hurt Sara than the team” but I decided not to let anger rule my thoughts. Nonetheless, I’m gonna answer because I feel it’s worth a discussion for why I think differently, and why your post struck a bit of a nerve. Sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, but I really do feel it warrants a meta/commentary response.

First, no I don’t think all the changes in him are due to Sara and I’d say that’s an oversimplification of how and why a person changes. It strips Len of those changes being about him at all really, taking away some of his autonomy in making the changes. If you change solely for someone else and not for yourself, that’s not sustainable. Len changed for himself and through the influence of a host of different factors, and to reduce it to largely one thing misses so much of the complexity of how and why people change in reality. And I’m not saying that falling in love can’t change a person (through the different viewpoints they take on and through the trust they develop), but I also don’t read Len as having been in love with Sara. People, a single person, can help catalyze change in us even without being in love, of course, but it’s still missing some of the point to make it all about that other person. Change happens internally.  

And there are a lot of the factors that could plausibly, canonically, go into him changing. I mean, I maintain that many of the changes that bothered me (the very subtle characterization ones that tilt him more to a slytherin-hufflepuff than a slytherin-ravenclaw) are ones that came in from the writers wanting to have him work with a team and taking over his character from a different team, losing a bit in translation. But in canon, if we try to explain those changes, I really would not ever want to attribute them to solely one character.

I feel that if we explain the canonical changes in Len, we can point to a couple of major factors, and his budding friendship with Sara is one of those (because it shows him letting people in and believing that change and overcoming one’s past is actually possible, because it’s something she is doing and demonstrating). A few others are Barry’s staunch belief in Len’s goodness and his willingness to help Len, working with Lisa and Mick again and the effect that has on him, being free of his father in a final way, and working with a team of people who’s wellbeing he feels responsible for (especially Jax). I’ve made posts that talk about most of those factors in one way or another though, so I won’t delve into them here.

More specific to the points you raise, I disagree that he demonstrates anything approaching love at first sight in the deleted scene.

Honestly the only thing I read into that is that he a) is trying to get a feel for people on the team and doesn’t quite know what to make of Sara yet, except that she might be the only one aside from Mick he has anything in common with (she shuts that down with the reincarnated point), and b) that he’s a bit intrigued at her willingness to bite back, but maybe a little annoyed at how barbed she is with him. (For the record we literally never see him even glance in the direction of her ass so I don’t get where that line is from.)

I also strongly disagree that he’s “kinder and more honest and open with her than anyone else including Lisa and Mick”. I don’t even know where you get that idea, to be frank. Len loves his sister to death and would do anything for her. He would never raise a weapon to her like he does to Sara in 1x15 and there’s zero reason to suspect he’d be less honest with her than with Sara (or anyone else). If you try to raise the point that he didn’t tell her his dad kidnapped him, I’d counter by saying he didn’t really have a chance and wanted to protect her. He also happened to lie to Sara (alongside the rest of the team) about having killed Mick. 

If you want to talk about Len opening up about his past to people like his heart-to-heart with Sara while they were freezing to death, he’s even similarly expository with Ray (who I maintain he ultimately dislikes) without much prompting.

Len also lies to Sara’s face at least once or twice, particularly about Mick. “Everyone okay between you two?” “Peachy.” Even if it’s unbarbed and obvious, he’s not really being honest (with himself or with her, and they both know it). He’s not opening up to her.

With Mick, Len is admittedly not always honest, or fair. 

But that’s in part because he takes a high degree of responsibility for Mick, maybe more than Mick wants him to. He doesn’t always expect Mick to make decisions in his own best interest, and Len has a very high need for control and believes he’ll make the best decision for his friend. 

Is it okay? Not necessarily. But I don’t think he means that he’s largely dishonest with Mick or that there isn’t a huge amount of trust and understanding between them. 

Mick’s the one who knows Len’s intentions for going in the trip, knows where Len’s head is at, is the one at Len’s side who can literally finish his sentences and move in sync with him. They have one-word codes like ‘Alexa’ and ‘like that time in Chicago’ that tell them everything they need to know about a situation. 30+ years of history will do that with someone. 

Actually, the whole ‘pulling the cold gun out’ thing is neat with respect that. He pulls it on Mick, Mick pulls the heat gun out, they have a stand off for a minute. Len appears to think about it and calm down and come up with the next step for what to do, or else it gives him space to remember to be the reasonable one. Mick gets this too because he doesn’t ever pull his trigger, just waits for Len to decide to end the stand off, every time we’ve seen them have one. But with Sara, she called his bluff. She didn’t understand why he’s doing this and what he gets out of pulling out his gun and having a stand off with someone so she calls him on it (which is fair, I’m not saying she’s in the wrong). And maybe it’s all dysfunctional as hell of him, but I think it demonstrates how Mick understands Len better than Sara does. He moves along to the beats Len is playing in a way that Sara won’t (which is fine because no one needs to, but you can’t tell me that Mick doesn’t understand Len inside and out, up and down).

Which is why I so strongly shirk at the idea that Len ‘got rid of Mick’ (just that in the first place, he didn’t get rid of him), more for Sara than for anyone else. Len marooned Mick for the stated reason of worrying what would happen to his sister if Mick went back to 2016. He knows Mick has impulse control problems and anger issues. He knows that he himself acts like a check/balance on Mick, so dropping him off in 2016 could have some high-damage consequences. So it was about protecting the team, and protecting their loved ones in 2016 (particularly Lisa, the person Mick is most likely to go after because it’s more Len he wants revenge on than any of the other team members). Beyond that canonically-stated reason for marooning Mick, it could also have come down to a lot of personal shit between Len and him. 

To the extent that once he chose not to kill him, Len always planned to return for Mick (till death got in the way), he probably intended for the marooning to be a very short cool-down period for Mick before Len picked up back up and brought him home. A “okay you betrayed us you jackass and it fucking hurt and I’m pissed but I’ve had time to think about it and you’ve been stuck here to think about it for a day, so now let’s go home alright?”.

I mean, you can read a lot more into it than that with respect to their relationship, but I don’t think it’s valuable to bring anyone else into that. It was about Len and Mick, and to a lesser extent about Lisa, and then about the team as a unit. There’s no evidence it was about anyone else, and certainly no evidence that Len was worried Mick would hurt Sara if he stuck around.

As for her being the reason they made up, I agree she had a part in that, but I also think it would have happened eventually in the same way regardless. She was a catalyst though, and showed empathy and deep understanding in that situation. I think that’s highly to her credit, actually, and I’m not sure why you’d make that about Len’s character changes when it really shows her own development and insight. 

But Len and Mick have been at serious odds before, were apart for a few years even, and still manage to find their way back to one another. They always do, with or without anyone’s help, and being confined on a ship together was going to press the issue sooner rather than later. Sara didn’t convince Len to lay down his life for Mick and die if that’s what Mick wanted from him. Len’s love for Mick did that, full stop.

tl;dr - Mick and Lisa understand Len better than Sara does as per canon, and he canonically demonstrates more honesty with his sister and more mutual understanding with Mick than he does with her. There’s nothing to suggest love at first sight (intrigue, at most) and there’s nothing at all to suggest that him marooning Mick had anything to do with Sara herself. The implication Len changed solely/mostly because of her is just a large oversimplification that strips him of personal autonomy in making those changes.