#honestly the first one was so traumatizing it’s hard to envision the second one being NOT like that

[selfindulgentfandomstuff]

I wanna go on T so bad but I already had one puberty I’m not trying to have another 😭😭😭

[ilovefandoms102]

Love Always Wins-Part 2

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x Potter!Reader

Summary: After the second Wizarding War, you and Draco start your life together…

Note: Sorry this part took so long to get up! I hope you guys enjoy this and as always let me know what you think! I will be linking pics to what I envisioned for what the reader would wear to the wedding!

Part 1

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Hermione, Ginny, and I got to work immediately on wedding planning….

I was so excited, I had dreamt of this moment for as long as I can remember. Draco let me completely take over, saying he didn’t care about the colors and all that as long as I showed up and said I do. Draco hadn’t spoken to any of his old Slytherin friends since they were all sent to the dungeons during the battle of Hogwarts. I had tried to get him to reach out to them, thinking it might have been possible that they changed their ways. 

He refused, Draco wanted nothing to do with anyone from his past. I was still working on trying to invite his parents. He still hadn’t forgave them for what they did to me all those years ago in Malfoy Manor. Of course they had been trying to reach him, sending countless letters and owls. It usually ended up in an argument anytime I brought it up, so after a while I stopped trying to get him to reach out. 

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My dress was absolutely gorgeous, I bawled when I came out of the dressing room to show the girls. I felt so beautiful, and I just knew Draco would love it. It wasn’t a poofy dress like most people did today, it was tight to accentuate my curves. It was backless, lace detailing on the sleeves and the bodice. I made sure to invest in some pretty white lace underwear for later since I wouldn’t be wearing a bra, Draco for sure would be excited about that. 

“So, have you decided what you’re going to do about your best man?” I asked Draco, we were laying in our bed after a long hard day at work.

“I think I’m going to ask your brother.” he revealed, my head turning on his chest to look up at him.

“You don’t have to do that Dray,” I mumbled, shivering from his fingers mindlessly tracing my naked back.

“No...I-I want to.” he confirmed, shifting so that we were facing each other. 

“Only if you’re absolutely sure…” I whispered, playing with the little tufts of hair on his chest.

“Your family is mine now darling, they’re the only ones I’ve got.” he murmured.

“Your parents-” I started, quickly being interrupted.

“Don’t...we’ve discussed this numerous times already.” Draco spat, turning over on his back.

“Ok, I’m sorry.” I spoke softly, giving him space by turning over on my side.

=========================================

“I never loved you,” Draco growled, gripping my wrist so tight I whimpered.

“Stop!” I cried.

“The girl who lived, desperately seeking love...how tragic.” Voldemort taunted.

“H-He does love me.” I sobbed, but Draco’s look of disgust said otherwise as he tossed me on the floor.

“Foolish girl, anything I ever had for you was an act. You are nothing, I despise you.” he hissed, breaking my heart into a million pieces.

“It is time my boy, kill her.” Voldemort laughed, my body not cooperating as I tried to get up.

Draco sauntered over to me, his smile sinister. I pleaded and begged him to not do this, to find the light and come back to me. His hand flew towards me, backhanding me. I tasted blood in my mouth, turning my eyes back to the man I loved.

“Draco,” I croaked.

“Avada Kedavra,” he spoke.

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I sprung upright, my chest heaving. I was covered in a layer of sweat, tears cascading down my cheeks. I put my hand over my hammering heart, trying to control my breathing. I threw the covers off, pulling Draco’s tshirt from the floor to slip over my head. I padded down to the kitchen to get some water, downing the whole cup. I put some ice on the back of my neck to cool me down, hearing footsteps approach me. Draco wrapped his arms around my middle, burying his face into my neck.

“Why are you not in bed my love?” he mumbled, kissing the skin where his lips fell.

“Thirsty,” I sighed, tossing my cup in the sink.

“You had a nightmare, didn’t you?” he inquired, my form tensing up in his hold.

“How long have you been keeping this from me?” he sighed.

“A few months.” I muttered, Draco’s hold tightening slightly.

“Why didn’t you tell me,” he asked, spinning me around to face him.

“They’re just nightmares Dray, that’s a silly thing to be worried about.” I huffed, my eyes casting to the ground.

“It isn’t when we had some pretty traumatic stuff happen in our life darling.” he said, tilting my chin up to look in his eyes.

“I’m sure they will go away soon, let’s go back to bed.” I uttered, pulling his arm along.

“You’re shutting me out y/n.” he snapped, yanking my hand back to face him.

“What do you want me to say?” I exasperated, throwing my arms by my sides.

“I want you to tell me when it happens, I want to be there for you...let me help you.” he pleaded, taking my face in his hands, and that’s when I broke down.

“I-Draco...it felt so real.” I sobbed, his face falling. He brought me into his embrace, my head falling to his shoulder as my tears fell on his skin.

“Tell me about it,” he whispered.

“I can’t,” I whimpered.

“It was about me, wasn’t it?” Draco spoke, forcing my head back to look at him.

“Dray…” I sniffled.

“You’ve been having nightmares about me, that’s why you wouldn’t tell me.” he concluded, my lips quivering.

“Yes, but they’re different.” I blubbered, searching his eyes for the undetected emotion.

“Tell me,” he demanded.

“I...Draco it doesn’t mean anything.” I insisted, not wanting to relive the horrid memory.

“I want to know, it might help you to get it off your chest.” Draco muttered, moving a piece of hair from my face. 

“They fluctuate from you dying and...and you killing me.” I spoke hesitantly, seeing Draco’s face turn pale. My heart shattered at his expression, staring worriedly as he sat back on the bed. He rubbed his hands over his face, looking down at the ground.

“This is why I didn’t want to tell you...I knew you’d take it to heart. They’re just dreams.” I insisted, standing between his legs.

“That’s not the point,” he grumbled, his head diving into my stomach.

“Draco,” I whispered, raking my fingers through his hair.

“Will you hold me?” he asked, my heart squeezing in my chest.

“Lay down my love,” I whispered, climbing on the bed with him.

We laid on our respective sides, Draco removed the shirt I was wearing as he wanted to feel my skin against his. He laid his head on my chest, wrapping his arms tight around my middle. I sifted my fingers into his hair, scratching his scalp lightly. We both drifted off soundly in the comfort of each other’s arms.

=========================================

Today was the big day…

Today was the day I would become Mrs. Draco Malfoy. I was excited, but also nervous at the same times. Of course I knew Draco loved me, and I loved him with my entire being. But I still felt that prickle of anxiety in the back of my brain. 

I spent the entire first half of the day getting the preparations in order such as: getting our hair done, nails, makeup, and just being completely pampered. I honestly needed it with the stress I had been feeling since I woke up this morning. I was constantly twisting my engagement ring, twirling my hair, or my leg would be bouncing to no end. 

“Sweetheart, what’s the matter?” Hermione asked, placing her hand gently on my knee.

“I can’t shake these nerves, I feel like I’m going to have a breakdown at any minute.” I huffed, standing quickly to pace the room.

“You have nothing to worry about love,” Ginny piped in, grabbing my shoulders to face her. 

“What if he leaves me,” I sniffled, tears gathering in the corners of my eyes.

“Do you want to talk to him?” Hermione asked.

“Isn’t the bride and groom not supposed to see each other before the wedding?” I blubbered.

“Well you aren’t in your dress yet, so I don’t see why not.” Ginny smiled, exiting the room with Hermione. 

I sat on the tiny sofa in the dressing room I was in, putting my head in my hands. It was foolish for me to be feeling this way, I should have no doubt in my mind about Draco’s love for me. So why now on the most important day of my life do these nerves now decide to spring into action, dancing around the back of my brain to fill my thoughts with anxiety. There was a knock at the door, Draco peeking his head in.

“Darling?” Draco called, smiling wide when he spotted me. 

“Hi,” I whispered, looking back down at my feet.

“Now, what is this I hear about nerves?” he questioned, taking a seat beside me. 

“Are you sure about this Draco? I mean...I practically forced you to buy me a ring, and with the wedding party, and-” I babbled, but was quickly shut down by Draco forcing his lips to mine. 

“You didn’t force me into anything my love...I already knew I wanted to marry you before we even graduated Hogwarts.” he admitted once we pulled away, continuing to leave gentle kisses all over my face.

“Really? So you weren’t going to leave me at the altar?” I sniffled, letting his lips fall to mine once more. Draco chuckled deeply, shaking his head in disbelief.

“That is absolutely the most ridiculous thought to enter your head.” he said, laughing harder when I playfully hit his chest.

“Draco!” I growled.

“No I would not leave you...I’ll never ever leave you my darling.” he whispered, taking my face between his hands.

=========================================

I was officially Mrs. Draco Malfoy. The ceremony was absolutely beautiful, Draco had even teared up a bit when he saw me coming down the aisle. George took the place of my father walking me down the aisle, constantly making jokes about the both of us tripping. Despite losing Fred, he never lost his sense of humor, which I was insanely grateful for now. 

The reception was filled with dancing, laughter, and mild teasing from Draco and myself. After all the pictures were taken, I changed into a silk white dress that was short enough that if I bent over, my whole family would see the pretty white lace thong I was wearing for later activities. Draco sat with me at the table designated for just the two of us, eating the delicious cake made for us, and of course sipping on some champagne. Draco mindlessly slid his hand on my thigh, making me tense up a little. 

“Don’t,” I hissed, pushing his hand away. 

“I’m not doing anything Mrs. Malfoy,” he smirked, my heart fluttering at my new name. He replaced his hand higher this time, sticking his hand all the way up my dress before I could catch his hand. 

“Draco,” I gasped as his fingers went right to my heat over my underwear. He leaned to place a gentle kiss right below my ear, humming deep in his chest.

“This all for me baby?” Draco asked, his fingers prodding all around the area. 

“Our family is not even ten feet away.” I gritted out, yet made no move to stop him.

“Maybe we should get out of here then.” he stated, leaving a dark love bite on my neck.

=========================================

Draco rented a cabin out in the countryside, completely isolated. It was huge, the outside deck even included a hot tub. This was going to be my escape for the next month, and I was absolutely thrilled. I took a look around the cabin, letting Draco bring all of our bags in. I tried to offer assistance, but all my ladies know how men are when it comes to girls trying to help them with anything. I found the master bedroom, biting down slightly on my lip as I stared at the huge, king size bed. My thoughts were sinful, thinking of all the ways and how many times I wanted Draco to fuck me into the mattress. 

I heard Draco coming up the stairs, concocting a plan in my head for how I wanted to start the night. I waited until just the right moment, and began to sensually crawl on the bed. My ass was definitely on display from how short this dress was, and I knew I had done it when I heard Draco curse under his breath. I flopped over to the side, leaning on my elbow. I stared at my husband, trailing my eyes up and down his form. 

Draco walked over to the bed, gripping my ankle. I yelped in surprise when he forcefully tugged me to the edge of the bed, my dress riding up so he got a view of my undies. He trailed his fingers over the hem, sliding them in against my skin. The heat of his touch scorched me, wanting him to just rip my underwear and have his way with me. 

“Dray,” I whined, squirming on the bed.

“Hmm?” he asked, not looking up as he dipped his fingers inside. I gasped when he pulled the sides of my underwear up so that they went between my lower lips, the fabric rubbing against my clit.

“Fuck, you’re soaked baby.” he groaned, using his other hand to spread my legs further.

“Please, I need you.” I moaned, almost sighing in relief when Draco moved to take my undies off. 

Draco wasted no time, ripping his shirt off, and diving down to slurp at the wetness pooling from me. I arched my back off the bed, moving my hands to grip the platinum locks that were sat between my legs. His tongue moved languidly up and down, stopping to nibble at my sweet spots now and again. Draco moved two of his fingers inside of me, the coldness of his wedding ring making me shutter. 

He sped up his movements, grinding his teeth to my clit. I shouted his name, choking on a moan as I felt my pent up release about to crash. His fingers curled, hitting the special spot that had my legs starting to shake. Draco moved his free hand to shove my dress further up my body, taking one of my nipples to pinch and roll. I released on his tongue not seconds later, my eyes closing as I threw my head back on to the mattress. 

“Turn over for me love,” Draco heaved, wiping the remnants of me from his chin. 

I sat up, tugging my dress over my head. I laid on my stomach, excitement creeping up in my belly. The sound of Draco’s belt and zipper sounded in my ears, the bed dipping moments later as he crawled up my body. I felt his hardness press against me, a satisfied sigh leaving my lips. He pushed into me, feeling him deeper at this angle. Draco pulled me up on my knees a little, keeping my head pushed down. 

“Feel good Mrs. Malfoy?” he asked, squeezing my hips.

“Yes Mr. Malfoy, please I need more.” I whimpered, his chuckle rumbling through me as his front was pressed to my back. 

He pulled all the way out, his tip only being left in before he rocketed back into me. If he hadn’t been holding on to me, I would have went flying off the bed. I squealed when he started to ram his hips into mine, the sound of skin slapping immediately filling the room. I already felt my next high close again, biting down on my fist to try to hold in my screams. Draco moved his fingers to pinch my clit, rolling it between his fingers.

“Fuck, I’m gonna cum.” I groaned.

“Already?” Draco taunted, quickening his movements.

 I came for the second time, my body tightening around Draco. He didn’t let up though, keeping with his movements relentlessly. He flipped me over, plunging himself back in immediately. My hands went to his biceps, digging my nails into the taught muscle. I stared into his eyes, wild with lust and passion. They had changed to a darker blue, his pupils almost completely blown out. 

“Mine, forever.” Draco growled, snapping his hips even faster.

“Yes, yes.” I wheezed, screaming when his fingers came back to rub my clit again. 

“Too much, Dray, I-” I stammered.

“You’re gonna take it until I’m done with you Mrs. Malfoy.” he smiled sinister, speeding up his fingers.

“Oh my, fuck!” I shouted, my head tipping back into the mattress. 

The icing on the cake was when Draco dove down to take my nipple between his teeth, sending me to cloud nine. I shook underneath him, feeling my release dripping down to the sheets. Draco took both of my hands in his, pinning them above my head. Tears were gathering in my eyes, the pleasure so good it was numbing my entire body. 

Draco slowed his pace, gingerly sliding in and out of me. His forehead leaned against mine, squeezing our hands together. Our wedding rings clashed together, making my heart flutter. I leaned up to connect our lips, challenging his tongue to a dance of passion during our love making. 

“Cum for me one more time,” Draco panted, our lips brushing together as he spoke.

“I can’t,” I croaked, but quickly ate my words at a specific hit of his member to my sweet spot.

“Yes you can baby, you’ve done so good for me.” he praised, a whimper leaving my lips at his words.

Draco kept our position, ramming his hips into mine. He was close, I could feel his member twitching inside of me. We panted into each other’s mouths, trying to keep eye contact. I felt the tears leaking down my face, Draco leaning to kiss them away. 

“I love you,” he whispered, nuzzling his nose to mine.

“I love you more,” I whined. 

He only needed a few more strokes to my sweet spot before my eyes were rolling to the back of my head, a screech leaving my throat as I convulsed under his hold. Draco came inside of me, grunting and moaning my name in my ear. 

=========================================

Draco ran a bath for the both of us, the tub being giant enough for both of us to fit in. After another round of fun, we both toweled off before doing our night routines. We snuggled together in the huge bed, giggling like children. Eventually becoming sleepy, we delved further under the covers. We laid facing each other, holding to the others middle. My face rested in the crook of his neck, my lips placing sweet kisses from there up to his jaw.

“Good night, Mrs. Malfoy.” Draco smiled, gently caressing my face.

“Sweet dreams, Mr. Malfoy.” I giggled, giving him one last kiss.

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[luzswonderland]

Thoughts on Season 2 Thus Far..

I gonna keep most of my thoughts on all the episodes brief, but also long enough where you guys can get the idea of where these episodes stand in levels of importance to me. I already have a lot personal favorites in this first half of the season and hope that the second half will deliver the same energy.

EPISODE 1:  Separate Tides

Good episode to start off the second season

Episode does a good job of addressing the different circumstances that Eda, Lilith, and Luz have with adjusting to life after the events of “Young Blood, Old Souls.”

We see the Golden Guard for the first time. With a voice too. I have more to say about him later when I get to the future episodes. But he is a treat!

The reintroduction of the portal and Emperor Belos’ plans for the human world in this episode, does a good job of reminding the audience of what is as stake this season.

Adore Luz and Eda’s pirate outfits ❤ 

Overall, a strong start to a very ambitious season.

Episode 2: Escaping Expulsion (Personal Favorite)

We finally see Amity’s parents!!!

Wasn’t expecting Odalia’s eyes to be blue, but both parents fit the personalities I originally envisioned them to have

Luz teaching Eda and Lilith to use magic through the glyphs was so cute and shows how different both Eda and Lilith are when it comes to approaching magic

Love how Amity’s separation from Luz was the trigger that caused her to stand up to her parents

Even though I kinda knew the expulsion from Hexside wasn’t going to permanent, it still shows how much pull Amity’s parents have at Hexside and the Boiling Isles. 

Looks like the abominations that Alador has made for profit will be used to fulfill whatever plans Emperor Belos has for the human world. 

Loved Amity and Luz’s interactions!!!

Episode 3: Echoes of the Past (Personal Favorite)

Fantastic King centered episode

I know that invisibility spell will come in handy in one of the later episodes. Good job, Luz

Hooty and Lilith are a riot this episode. Was not expecting them to get along at all this season.

I thought the show was going to make them polar opposites, but good to see that Hooty has a fan in the house.

King trying to remember his past and recounting his childhood memories was so sad because you realize that he has been trying to find out who he really is this entire time😭

The temple where King was born holds so much history and I hope we go back there soon

Will we find out what happened to King’s dad? What potential does King hold? Find out next time on DBZ!!!

Episode 4: Keeping Up A-fear-ances

Finally get to see Eda and Lilith’s mom and her palisman’s a hawk.

Love the pattern of all members of the Clawthorne family having bird themed palismen. I wonder what palisman Eda’s dad has.

Love how the episode addresses the blatant issue that Gwendolyn has with trying to find a cure for Eda. She cares for her daughter, but she is being blinded by ambition

The scams in the book she was reading were kinda funny tho

Lilith being upset that her mom favors Edal more than her is relatable, but also makes sense considering how the curse impacted Eda’s childhood

Lilith wanting to travel with her mom makes sense and I’m happy she made the decision to do that

Lilith’s beast from is cool

We finally get more information about there being another human that came to the Boiling Isles long ago!!!

We finally catch up with what’s going on at home and see that Luz’s imposter is blending in just fine and Camila is none the wiser. At least that buys Luz some time in the Boiling Isles

Episode 5: Through the Looking Glass Ruins

We get a Gus-centered episode and I’m here for it. I love it when the show deviates from the main narrative and focuses on the supporting cast

Even though I’m not the biggest fans of their personalities, the introduction of the students from Glandus High was great

I really love the character designs of these students, especially Bria, she looks so cute

Gus getting more character development and bonding with Mattholomule was good to see, I hope we see more of their interactions in future episodes

SO MANY LUMITY MOMENTS!!!

Luz getting more attracted to Amity

Amity putting her job on the line, so they could find Philip’s diary

Luz saying that she hopes to show Amity the human world one day

Luz successfully getting Amity’s job back

The kiss on cheek at the end of the episode by Amity

The blushing!!!💜💚-I can go on and on

Amity’s new look fits her well and shows that she is starting to live for herself and not her parents-Good!

Through the help of the Echo Mouse, we also get more information about why Philip came to the Boiling Isle in the first place.

But the Echo Mouse is being picky and stops before it gets good😫

Episode 6: Hunting Palisman (Personal Favorite)

This is my favorite episode of the season so far and probably my top ten favorite episodes of the series.

We are finally introduced to Hunter as the Golden Guard and he is a treat

Everything from his character design, to his goals, to his interactions with Luz make him very intriguing.

The kids begin to pick out their palisman and a lot of them fit their personalities, especially Willow’s.

I’m glad the show is addressing the fact that Luz doesn’t know what she wants to do when she becomes a witch because tbh I’m not sure either. I know she wants to help and protect the people of the Boiling Isles but she can’t really do that if she wants to go back home.

What a good time to bring up this internal conflict

Kikimora wanting to get rid of Hunter makes sense seeing as how the Emperor’s Coven is based of performance

LIST OF FAVORITE HUNTER AND LUZ MOMENTS:

Hunter and Luz’s interaction on Hunter’s ship

Luz slapping Hunter to wake him up😂

Luz stealing Hunter’s staff

Hunter revealing his family history and why he defers to Emperor Belos

These two give off a good sibling vibe and I want to see more of this later

I originally thought the red cardinal was going to be for Luz, but it ends up being Hunter’s palisman at the end of the episode-Interesting

Whatever Luz’s palisman is going to be, I hope it’s an animal that fits her personality because I thought the red cardinal would have been perfect

Maybe she will get a violet-backed starling as a palisman🤔

Hunter comes off as very complex immediately and I love that the show let’s us know that he trying to figure out his place in the Boiling Isles as a powerless being.

Episode 7: Eda’s Requiem

An Eda centered episode is such a plus for this season

So far I feel like the show has had Eda be a main plot point, but she hasn’t really been given her own episode-This episode takes a good step in the right direction

Eda feeling like she’s losing both Luz and King because they have both trying to find out more about their personal journeys is equivalent to a mother accepting that fact that her kids are moving across the country 😥

Eda reuniting with Raine is nice to see. You can automatically tell right off the bat that they have history

Raine being a rebel against Emperor Belos while working under Emperor Belos as a coven leader is BOLD AF

I see why Eda fell for them

We are introduced to the Abomination and Beast Keeping Coven leaders and I love their character designs, especially for Darius

The scene where Raine and Eda play together was so beautiful and does a fantastic job of representing how pure their relationship was and currently is 

I love how Raine realizing that Eda has more to live for than she thinks and puts a stop to the song they play in order to sacrifice himself

I know we are going to see Raine again, but I really hope Belos doesn’t do anything bad to them. Raine is a sweetheart

Even though Luz and King lose the Gland Plix race, it was still nice to see that Eda came towards the end of the face.

The reveal of King wanting to take Eda’s last name at the end of the episode is one of the main reasons why I love King and Eda’s relationship. They really do come off as mother and son❤

Episode 8: Knock, Knock, Knockin’ on Hooty’s Door (Personal Favorite)

This is a Hooty’s centered episode which is a first for this show, but this ended up being one of my favorite episodes of the show because of what it addresses

Hooty helping King accidently discover his powers was a shock to me because I just through their interaction was going to end up being pointless

King can now be more useful in battle 😁

We finally see Eda’s dad and see why Eda has a hard time accepting her cursed side.

We also learn how the curse has negatively impacted her relationship with so many people, such as Raine 😥

Eda accepting her cursed side is the first step to begin this traumatic healing process. At this point, I don’t think the show will cure Eda of her curse and I don’t think they should honestly. It teaches the audience that you sometimes have to live with what you have whether it be a disease, a physical disability or mental illness.

GOOD LESSON👌👌

Eda’s harpy form looks amazing. I can’t wait to see what the show will do with this form in the future.

Hooty helping Luz with her crush on Amity was one of the best parts of the episode.

The Tunnel of Love scene and the mixed signals from Luz and Amity had be dying🤣

Luz building up the courage to ask Amity out was so sweet and so real at the same time.

It came off as real conversation between awkward teens trying to figure a romantic relationship out🥰

LUMITY IS CANON!!!😍💜💚

This happened sooner than I thought, but I’m glad it did. This is huge, especially for a Disney show.

Just when I started to like Hooty a lot more, he had to mess it up when he ate a letter from someone who could be King’s dad (?)

DANG IT, HOOTY

Hooty freaking out when he thinks he messed with helping King, Eda and Luz never got old 😂

The comedy was on point with this episode and I love how everything just falls in to place.

Episode 9: Eclipse Lake(Personal Favorite)

This episode had so much going on and I have a lot to say.

We get back to the Emperor Belos plotline of him trying to get to the human world and find out the Belos has actually been to the human world previously🤔

I wonder what Belos wants to do with Hunter and how he relates to these “plans”

Hunter is totally going to get betrayed by his uncle 😥

Amity’s palisman is adorable, I guess she got it off-screen

“DragonClaw Z”😂😂😂

Love how everyone is coming together to protect the house, it shows they really know what’s at stake

Amity using every opportunity she gets to call Luz her girlfriend is so cute❤

Hard to believe she hated his girl’s guts at the beginning of last season lol

Sick Luz is funny Luz

More lore about the secrets of the Boiling Isles and Titan’s Blood

I really wish Luz could have came to Eclipse Lake with the rest of the cast, but I guess the rest of the cast needed to experience Hunter for themselves lol

Hunter being roasted by Eda, King and Amity was hilarious 😂

“A bad, but sad boy.”-Yep that’s our Hunter 🤣

Hunter trying to get into Amity’s head concerning her relationship with Luz and her role in the Boiling Isles was surprising

I’m going to assume that Amity hasn’t been in a romantic relationship before so everything with Luz is new to her. Amity is usually very level-headed.

Even though Harpy-Eda is cool, I like that Eda doesn’t know how to control his form yet, it shows that she has a lot to learn before this form this 100% mastered

Hunter’s desperation to get his uncle’s approval is just sad; I really want to know his backstory because this isn’t it at all

Praise King for helping Amity figure out the text messages🙌

I love how Amity tries to relate to Hunter, it sweet and shows how much she has grown. If only see did a better job of hiding the key 😣

The fight between Amity and Hunter is amazing. I love when the show just flexes its animation like this. 

It may not be better than Eda and Lilith’s fight, but I still felt the tension between these two characters. When these two grow up, they are going to be some of the most powerful witches in the Boiling Isles for sure.

Hunter getting to Amity’s head about harming Luz is a low blow imo, but I’m glad Amity knew what was at stake in the situation

Crushing the key was smart tho. Even in stressful situations like these, Amity still keeps her cool. We love to see it😉

Luz can now use some of the Titan’s Blood from Amity’s glove to try to return back home!!!

This episode had no business being this good. When the plot kicks in the show, it never fails to deliver.

Episode 10: Yesterday’s Lie (Personal Favorite)

We finally catch up with what’s going on back on Earth and find out more about Luz’s impersonator. 

The gang making a makeshift portal out all of Eda’s junk is very creative. I wondered what they were going to do with that stuff now that Eda can’t sell human collectables anymore.

The dimension that Luz enters through the portal is very trippy and creative. It makes sense since the portal they made is not authentic. 

Luz mirror hoping and seeing someone impersonate her had to be scary. I couldn’t imagine.

We find out that Luz’s impersonator is actually a creature from the Boiling Isles known as a “Basilisk”

Vee’s backstrory is awful, I completely understand why she came to Earth and got comfortable after what she went through

We find out that Eda interacted with humans with an alias known as “Marylin”😂

Even though Luz doesn’t find a way home, this is the next best thing to let her mom know that she is okay.

Jacob gave off weird vibes immediately, so when he captures Vee to use her for fame, I wasn’t surprised.

What did surprise me was the fact that Jacob has been watching Vee for a while and he had the house where she transformed in monitored

I wonder if he’s seen anything else🤔

Camila is the GOAT. She came through and helped Vee out. A lot of people would have just ignored the situation, but she knew that Vee was important to Luz and I respect that👏👏

I’m glad she also agrees to keep Vee despite the situation

The scene between Luz and Camila was very heart-wrenching. Luz came clean about everything and Camila’s reaction to that was expected but it was still sad to see

The music and Camila trying to reach out to Luz was just 😭

This episode is a great mid-season finale. This episode addressed so much and foreshadows a lot of plot points to come in the later episodes.

The first half of season 2 had some bangers. More than half of these episodes are already in my top favorites of the series and we still have 11 episodes left. Good Job Owl House. I can’t wait see what the other half has left in store 🙌🙌

[yan-twst]

Hello! First off, I wanted to say I really like your yandere works. They aren't overdone, but they aren't overplayed, if that makes sense?? Anyways, would you be interested in writing yandere scenario with Vampire!Vil? I really like the new card!

warnings: general yandere themes, mentions of death and blood

they/them pronouns for darling

It was hard to hold onto hope, nowadays. They’d sworn to themselves they’d never give in- never give the horrible creature that held them hostage the pleasure of knowing he’d broken their spirit, but keeping a fiery attitude and fighting back was getting harder every passing day. Telling themselves they’d escape his suffocating embraces and affections one day, that this whole ordeal would become a simple bad memory, a nightmare for sure, a horribly traumatic experience, but something in the past- that was how they’d been keeping themselves sane, the promise it’d be over, but now more than ever, it felt like there’d never be any escape.

“S-stop…” as a human, there wasn’t much they could do but feebly push back against the vampire’s chest. Not only were vampires just physically stronger than humans, Vil was particularly keen on taking care of his body, the weights he kept in his room and his sheer strength proving so. And to add insult to injury, they were just weak now, as he bit down on the junction of their neck and shoulder once again, drawing blood. Maybe they were getting anemia or something, because it seemed to be impossible their desperate struggles weren’t bothering the vampire on the slightest.

“Be still. Don’t you understand it’ll only hurt more if you move, my love?” sighed Vil, unlatching his mouth from their neck to reprimand them. The sight of him with his lips painted a glossy red with their blood should have been grotesque, but… As much as they hated him, they had to admit Vil was ethereal. Everything about him- or well, his physical appearance- was perfect; from his beautifully sculpted face down to his lean body, there wasn’t an inch of him that didn’t look like a work of art.

It was too bad that such a beautiful body was host to such a rotten soul, really; if it was solely based on looks, perhaps they could’ve brought themselves to enjoy being intimate with him, he was the kind of man they’d have gladly taken as a fling or a fun night. But of course that wasn’t the case- Vil Schoenheit was nothing short of a fucking maniac, a bastard vampire who’d become obsessed with them and plucked them from their daily life, keeping them hostage in his ridiculously large house, drinking their blood and forcing them to live out a miserable life. 

Pain had long since ceased to be something they cared about. It hurt every time he pierced his fangs into their skin, scar tissue almost nonexistent with how he hovered over them and treated the injuries after every feeding, it stung when he put his mouth on the wound and sucked, licked, drew more blood from the punctures. Vampire saliva was supposed to be naturally anaesthetic, even aphrodisiac to an extent- and it was true, as much as they hated it. Perhaps that was why their body no longer responded with shock or any logical pain reaction to his bites, perhaps that was why their cheeks got red and their knees buckled despite wanting no enjoyment out of such activity.

“Get off me… Fucking leech…” their feeble attempts at pushing back had ended with them holding onto Vil and resting on his chest as their energy depleted, body too weak to hold itself up. It wasn’t what they wanted, but it was better than to collapse on the floor and be berated by the vampire once again over getting their clothes dirty. Still, just because they couldn’t fight back didn’t mean they’d be completely submissive; calling Vil a leech was clearly a move to annoy him, and judging by how he tensed up at being called so, it worked.

“You have no place to say those words, you…!” they smirked weakly at Vil’s tone, as he suddenly held them by the shoulders. Usually, he’d relish in them having to use his body as support- the fact he’d just rip them away like that meant they’d gotten under his skin. “Ungrateful little human- do you even understand your position? Do you know how many humans have wondered into this place and never come out? You’re a weak, insignificant creature- don’t you know any other vampire would have sucked you dry by now?”

“...” for a second, they were quiet. Was this it? They’d never begged Vil to kill them, although they’d certainly thought of it- they didn’t want to show weakness, but sometimes they’d wondered if it’d be better for them to just die of blood loss instead of having to endure whatever life Vil envisioned for them. For a split second, the anger in Vil’s eyes made it seem like he’d be willing to just do it, to bite down their artery and kill them; but as quick as the outburst came, Vil took a deep breath and seemingly calmed down.

“... Clearly, I haven’t done enough to educate you.” he sighed, and one of his hands moved to caress their lips. “You are my lover, after all. You aren’t just any human, you aren’t just livestock, and yet you insist on acting like one… It’s quite frustrating.”

“You’re keeping me around like a blood bag.” they replied feebly. The punctures in their neck were still bleeding, and they were getting a bit dizzy; usually by now, Vil would have patched them up so they didn’t bleed excessively, but he’d been thrown off his usual routine. They tried to ignore the word ‘lover’; they weren’t a lover, they were a hostage. Even in those fleeting moments of domesticity, when Vil would cook for them despite he not needing human food, or when he’d treat their wounds, they were a hostage. Even when he kissed them, when he caressed them, even if their heart raced, that was their human nature, yearning for touch after being deprived of seeing anyone but Vil for months.

“You’re incorrigible, darling.” sighed Vil. His tone wasn’t mad anymore- he sounded… Pleased, almost. His smirk showed his sharp fangs, and the look in his eyes made it clear he had some sort of plan. “Hm, no, not incorrigible. I know you have the potential to be an amazing partner for me, you just need to be polished. And I have all the time in the world to do so.”

With a swift move, Vil brought his thumb up to his mouth and pricked it, a sizeable bead of blood forming on the surface of the pale skin on his finger. Their eyes widened; never in all of their captivity had they seen the vampire bleed, not even in the very start of their kidnapping when they’d fought back with tooth and nail. The shock of seeing the vampire bleed was enough so they didn’t even realize the very same hand with the bleeding thumb was creeping closer to their neck, where the puncture wounds of the earlier bite were still fresh and bleeding.

“... And soon, you’ll also have eternity.” Vil’s smirk couldn’t possibly grow any larger, although his eyes had grown softer; almost… Adoring, in some sort of way. He had the same expression he’d had when he first met them (when he’d seemed like a storybook prince, those few months when they’d just thought Vil was a charming and ethereal young man, those few months before he showed his true colors and the depth of his obsession). And then he pressed his bleeding thumb into the wound on their neck, and it burnt. “I was honestly going to wait until you’d learnt to behave properly to turn you, but… I can’t just let you get weaker and anemic every passing day. Honestly, do you take care of yourself when I’m not around? It hardly seems so. But at least this should return your vitality…”

“What did you- what is this?!” despite having been dizzy and weak a few seconds ago, the mingling of their blood with his burnt so badly they couldn’t help but struggle. Vil didn’t even let them break away, quickly pulling them into his chest into an one-arm embrace while his bleeding hand still pressed firmly into their wound. A scream ripped from their throat; it burnt, it felt worse than anything they’d ever suffered. And the pain and burning just seemed to travel and expand, as if Vil’s rotten vampire blood was surging and flowing through their body.

“... of course, you’ll be a bit off the first months… It’s going to be a good opportunity for me to watch over you and your transformation. I’ll have to ask Rook to drop off more blood now, since you’re going to be needing quite a bit to get back on two feet…” Vil didn’t seem to think much of their thrashing and struggling, simply thinking of what he’d need to do in the future. “The pain will pass soon, don’t worry. Aren’t you a lucky little human? Don’t you know? I’m liberating you from death, from aging- I’m opening the door to eternal youth and beauty.”

Slowly, the human in Vil’s arms quit their flailing. He kept his thumb on their wound; he’d probably gotten enough blood into their system to turn them, but he wanted to be safe. They’d probably passed out from the pain; he smiled at their peaceful form, brushing the hair out of their eyes. They were so peaceful like this, so beautiful- he couldn’t wait for the day they’d behave this well, even when awake. Of course, they’d be unconscious for a good time now, while their body transformed from a lesser mortal body into one of a vampire, but time was of no issue for either of them now. He’d have all the time in the world to polish his gemstone, to bring forth the potential he knew shone inside of them. He’d seen how they acted back in their little village; their hard-working spirit, their fortitude and their attention to detail. Once they learnt to stop fighting back against him, once they learnt to embrace his affections, they’d make the perfect lover for him; he just needed to make them understand they had no choice but to exist as his for the rest of eternity.

[carewyncromwell]

[As Carewyn headed out to the Courtyard, she couldn’t help but feel her resolve slipping away.

When Penny had first explained her problem with Beatrice, Carewyn had been rather sympathetic -- after all, she adored Jacob, and being separated from him was still an open wound for her. And to a degree, the Haywood sisters’ situation was almost worse -- even when Jacob had started keeping more secrets when Carewyn was younger or, hell, when Jacob and she didn’t see eye-to-eye in the Portrait Vault, Carewyn never once thought that Jacob didn’t want to be around her or disliked her for some reason.

But on the other hand...Carewyn couldn’t help but feel a little bitter, too.]

At least your sister’s here, Penny. Even if she’s not talking to you, at least she’s here and at least you know she’s alive and safe. I know you miss her, but...at least she’s not throwing herself into danger and you’re helpless to stop it...

[Pushing those meaner, more selfish thoughts down as best she could, Carewyn took a deep breath and strolled across the Courtyard. As she glanced around, she heard a familiar voice call her name.]

Andre: “Carewyn!”

[It was her ex-boyfriend (and still rather good friend), Andre Egwu. He beckoned her over, his body language visibly urgent.

Carewyn strode over to him.]

“What’s going on? I’m supposed to be looking for Beatrice...”

[With a nod of his head, he indicated a corner of the Courtyard, where Ismelda and another girl were chatting.

It took Carewyn a minute to realize -- ]

Beatrice?

[Carewyn blinked, visibly taken aback.]

“...Wow...Penny wasn’t kidding. She is unrecognizable.”

Andre: “I know, right? She’s been...’Ismelda-fied!’”

[Andre glanced over at the two, frowning in thought.]

Andre: “Gotta say, though -- I’ve never understood the ‘hair-over-one-eye’ look. It has to make it hard to see much of anything...”

[Carewyn crossed her arms.]

“I guess it’s supposed to evoke ‘mystique.’ Though I would think you could evoke that better with a fashionable cloak.”

Andre: “(with a grin) Or a nice smoky eye -- diggin’ the new make-up, by the way.”

[Carewyn smiled off-handedly.]

“Just thought I’d try something different.”

It helps hide the bags under my eyes a little better...

[Carewyn turned her focus back over to Beatrice and Ismelda.

Honestly, the situation didn’t look as bad as she’d envisioned, from Penny’s description. Beatrice and Ismelda were both smiling as they talked, clearly engaged in conversation. It didn’t look like Beatrice was acting angry like Merula or reckless like Ben. Carewyn had never really gotten on with Ismelda, of course, and she didn’t really love the thought of Penny’s little sister finding enjoyment in other people’s pain the way Ismelda did...but on the face of things, the two looked to be in a rather pleasant mood.]

I hope they are...after what happened last year...after taking so long to get Beatrice out of that Portrait...I want her to be happy.

[Andre watched Carewyn out the side of his eye as she watched Ismelda and Beatrice.]

Andre: “You all right?”

“...Yeah...”

I told Penny I would talk to Beatrice, so I suppose I jolly well have to. I just wish I knew what to say...

[She glanced at Andre.]

“I’ll be right back.”

[Putting her courage to the sticking place, Carewyn uneasily walked over to Ismelda and Beatrice.

As she approached, Beatrice looked up at her, her expression visibly confrontational. It made Carewyn falter, suddenly unsure of what to say. All of her thoughts just kept cycling back to regret and apologies -- but she knew full well that was no start to a conversation.

Carewyn was yanked out of her trance by Ismelda’s cold voice.]

[Carewyn’s expression instantly hardened, gaining its usual perfect, level attitude.]

[The irritation and disdain in Beatrice’s voice startled Carewyn.]

“What?”

Beatrice: “I know you’re close friends with my sister, Carewyn. I’m sure she’s told you all about how disappointed she is that I’m not walking around like a ‘Mini-Penny’ again...”

[Carewyn’s eyebrows knit together in confusion.]

“No. She never said anything like that.”

[Carewyn didn’t love that Ismelda was standing right there listening to this conversation. She could feel her dormmate’s black eyes boring into her face even if Carewyn wasn’t looking at her.]

“...She just said that...you went through a dramatic change over the summer...”

[Ismelda cut Carewyn off very abruptly, and it made Carewyn shoot her a very cold look despite herself.]

“(Mama-Bear-mode activate!) Beatrice was trapped for an entire year thanks to the Portrait Curse -- I think I’m well within my rights to worry, Ismelda. Anyone would have trouble coping with something like that...”

[The image of Jacob trapped in a portrait in the Cursed Vault rippled over her mind.]

Ismelda: “(scoffs) Well, I’m not here to help anyone ‘cope.’“

Then maybe you should back off.

[Carewyn bit that nastier, growling thought back.]

Beatrice: “Penny is the most popular witch at school. Doesn’t she have enough people trailing after her, without me?”

[Beatrice’s sentiment made Carewyn’s heart ache.

Really, she had to admit -- there was nothing that wrong with how Beatrice was acting, as far as she could see. The Hufflepuff second-year had gone through a really traumatic event, and Carewyn knew first hand how much something that abrupt and scary could change a person. Jacob’s disappearance had shattered who she had been completely, and it’d taken her a while to rebuild from that. She knew it had to be frustrating for Penny, not to be able to interact with Beatrice the way she used to...but from the sound of things, there seemed to be some baggage between the two sisters that wasn’t being properly addressed.]

There’ve been times I resented Jacob, for getting so in over his head and making me put things on hold to try to help him -- but even then, I never avoided him. I never took out my feelings on him. How can Penny and Beatrice ever make up if Beatrice won’t talk to Penny?

[The image of Jacob Disapparating before she could stop him from leaving played again in her mind.

The Haywood sisters didn’t know what they had...]

“(primly) ...I...don’t have any problem with how you look, Beatrice. It’s not my style, but...well, I’m not wearing it, am I? And honestly...I don’t even care if you’re spending time with Ismelda. We may have our differences -- but you’re more than entitled to make your own friends.”

[Carewyn purposefully refused to look at Ismelda at all as she said this.]

“But...I know for a fact that Penny wouldn’t have a problem with either of those things either, if you’d just talk to her. You’re her sister, Beatrice -- of course she’s going to miss you. I daresay Penny could care less how many admirers she’s got, as long as she knows you’re there.”

I know I would. If Jacob was here with me and safe again...it wouldn’t matter if the whole world hated me...

[Beatrice gave a low scoff.]

Beatrice: “Sorry, Carewyn -- but the only way Penny wants me there is if I go back to the way I was, and that’s not going to happen.”

[Carewyn once again felt a sympathetic pang in her chest as Ben’s words echoed back in her ears.

“What Rakepick did to us in the Cursed Vault...that kind of cruelty and betrayal from an adult we trusted...it changed me. It’s changed you too, whether you’ll admit it or not.”

Despite herself, some emotion showed through on her face, and Carewyn bowed her head in an attempt to obscure it.]

“(softly) ...I know.”

I know you can’t go back. None of us can. Nothing...nothing can go back to the way it was...nothing can ever be the same...

[Both Ismelda and Beatrice seemed a little surprised by Carewyn’s reaction. Even though her gaze had shifted, the Slytherin Prefect, when she spoke again, sounded more like her usual self -- self-assured, stoic, and paragon.]

“I know you’re not going to change -- but that doesn’t mean that your relationship with Penny has to be over. Whatever problem you’re having, I know Penny -- “

Beatrice: “(interrupting more harshly) I don’t have a problem! I’m just...trying something new -- and I wish everyone would just let me be.”

Ismelda: “(dryly) You’d think students at a wizarding school would be more open-minded.”

[Carewyn felt the urge to hex Ismelda’s mouth shut, but she refused to fancy acting on it.]

Beatrice: “(cynically) I totally agree with Ismelda.”

“Beatrice...”

Beatrice: “(tiredly) Carewyn...just stop. I’m done, okay? I don’t want to talk to Penny. And you can tell her I said that.”

[Carewyn looked at Beatrice with concern. She struggled to think of something to say, but before she could, Ismelda cut in again.]

Ismelda: “She said she’s done, Cromwell. So run along.”

[Carewyn shot Ismelda another sharp glare.]

"Don’t prod me.”

[She glanced at Beatrice with a much sadder expression, before exhaling through her nose heavily, turning on her heel, and walking away, leaving the two alone.

Andre met up with Carewyn again as she passed the fountain.]

“Like a trainwreck.”

[Carewyn sighed heavily.]

“This whole thing is more twisted than I thought. I thought the issue was just about Beatrice struggling with what happened to her last year, but...there’s a lot more baggage there...and I don’t think all of it’s unjustified. And I hate to say that, given that it’s targeted at Penny...”

[Carewyn’s eyes drifted away, landing on a cobblestone to the left of Andre.]

“...It’s wrong for Beatrice to just shut Penny out like this -- I mean, you can’t expect anyone to make amends after a fight if you don’t give them the chance to try. But at the same time, I don’t really know if Penny’s accepted how much things have changed.”

[Andre considered Carewyn, his black eyes rippling with sympathy despite his grim expression.]

Andre: “Something you know from experience, I suppose?”

[Carewyn looked up at Andre, surprised. He gave her a weak smile.]

Andre: “Well, I mean...I reckon when your brother disappeared, it had to have changed a lot, right?”

[Carewyn’s lips came together tightly.]

“A lot”...no...it changed everything. Both times...it changed everything...

[Her eyes once again drifted down to the ground, but she determinedly kept her voice offhand and strong.]

“Mm, yeah, but...this is different. Regardless...I can’t go back to Penny having made no progress.”

Andre: “So what do you plan to do?”

[Her red lips spread into a wry smile.]

“...and I know just the person to talk to about how to do that.”

[Andre raised his eyebrows.]

Andre: “Does his name rhyme with ‘Farnaby Dee?’”

[Carewyn giggled lowly as she strolled past Andre out of the Courtyard, waving backhandedly to him and humming a little ditty to herself.]

“Time to see Barnaby Lee~...”

    ((OOC: XDDD Goddamn it, Andre, now I want to write a whole version of “Sandra Dee” all about Barnaby. Your fault, Andre -- your fault!!))

[ultyutae]

A Melancholic Melody

Jaehyun x Reader

Word Count: 2.2k... Yeah I really did alot for this one

Tags: Angst if you squint hard enough, fluff?, healing, comfort

Trigger Warnings: Mentions of death, illness, implied trauma

A/n: honestly this was sort of experimental for me and im not sure how to feel about it. Constructive criticism is very much appreciated <3

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, calming yourself as you placed your fingers above the correct keys of the piano that sat in front of you. You began to play Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. Your fingers flew over, back and forth between the keys, not hesitating once. You knew the entire piece by heart and muscle memory, with it being the first piece you were taught since you were young. It was a slightly long piece, but it was a beautiful one, like many of Beethoven's works. You were too engrossed into your playing to have been able to notice the figure that was standing by the doorway. By the time you finished the piece, you let out the breath you'vebeen holding in, letting out a sigh of relief. You stared at the keys, realizing that once again, you had stopped playing two thirds of a way through. Your fingers hadn't moved at all for the last five minutes. You had just sat there, staring at your fingers, envisioning yourself playing the piece you knew you couldn't bring yourself to finish. You let out a chuckle, and proceeded to play another tune. Valse Sentimentale, by one of your personal favorite musicians, Tchaikovsky. When you were finished, you decided to finally address the other person who had been in the room with you, staying silent the entire time. You had noticed their presence before you started playing the second piece, and it had annoyed you a bit, not really being used having another person listening while you practiced.

"How long have you been standing there?" you asked, turning your head to finally take a look at your listener. When your eyes met with the stranger, you held back from letting out a gasp. It was Jung Jaehyun, one of the more popular boys in your grade. He was not only a top student in class but also the best in choir, and everyone not only admired him for his princely looks and demeanor, but also his heavenly voice. You were suddenly more curious than annoyed, as to why such a person like him would be watching someone like you, who's a complete stranger to him.

"Long enough," Jaehyun replied, still leaning against the doorway. "You're a beautiful player, by the way. But why did you stop? You never finished Moonlight Sonata."

"So you did see that, huh..." you mumbled. You let out a bitter laugh. "I can never finish that piece. Wanna know why?" Jaehyun stared into your eyes for a few seconds, not letting go of his gaze upon you. You stared back at him with almost a coldness behind your eyes, careful to not let your shield slip any further. Jaehyun nodded.

"Yes, tell me," he said, and he walked closer to you and sat down on the piano stool right next to you. Your heart skipped a few beats as he got closer. This was a new feeling for you. You rarely felt such emotions like this anymore, especially for a stranger. Unable to look directly at him, you turned around and stared at the piano keys.

"It was my mother's last stage performance. She was suffering from an unknown illness, and even though we told her we didn't want perform on stage until she got better, she insisted that she wouldn't let her audience down. She was a well-known and widely admired pianist, and she was well aware of how people all over the world would come to concert festivals just to hear her play. Mother was the closing act. The grand finale. Before she went upstage, she told me to listen carefully, and that most of all, she wanted me watch her play, one last time. Honestly, I thought it meant that she was going to stop playing after that performance. I really wish that was what happened." you explained, not taking your eyes away from the keys.

"So, what happened? Did she keep playing afterwards?" Jaehyun implored, clearly intrigued.

"No," you took a deep breath. "About ten minutes into the piece, she had a heart attack. Her body was too weak to keep playing, and so it gave out before she was able to finish the piece. Everyone in the audience, including me, had to watch as she just...collapsed," you sniffled. Jaehyun put a hand on your shoulder. You didn't bother to look at him, but you appreciated his gesture anyways. "I'm sorry, there was no need for me to tell you all of that. We don't even know each other that well." Jaehyun shook his head.

"No, it's fine. I'm really sorry for your loss... I can only imagine how traumatizing that had to have been. But is it okay if I ask, was the song your Mother was playing...was it Moonlight Sonata?" Jaehyun asked. This caught you off-guard, causing you to look right at him.

"Yeah...it was. I used to treasure this song, it was the the first song I learned, and the first song my mother had taught me. But now..."

"Now you can't play the whole thing, after the incident?" Jaehyun finished. You grimly nodded.

"I always imagine myself picking up from where my mother had stopped at, finishing the piece for her but i- I just can't. I remember every single note and keystroke, I just can't move my fingers until I imagine the piece to be over." You werent sure why, but you had no problem telling Jaehyun all of this. It's almost as if you felt comfortable enough to tell him everything. Jaehyun didn't say anything for about a minute. His eyes flickered back and forth from between you and the piano. Without a word, he turned around in his seat, facing the piano.

"Play with me." Jaehyun said, while staring right at you. You could feel your ears turning red.

"W-w-what??" you stuttered, suddenly becoming now aware of how attractive he really is.

"Oh my god, not like that! I meant on the piano, dummy" Jaehyun replied, with a small flick to your forehead.

"Ow! Is that how you talk to someone you just met?" you jabbed back, now giggling a bit.

"Do you always tell everyone your whole life story after you just met them?" Jaehyun said, playfully. Now it was your turn to flick his forehead, but this time harder than he did to you.

"Ow, what the heck!" Jaehyun yelped, rubbing his forehead.

"No not normally, but let's just say you seem...trustworthy. Don't let it get to your head though, you're still basically a stranger to me" you responded, ignoring his reaction.

"A stranger?? We've been in the same class multiple times throughout the years, not to mention you were the pianist for one of our choir concert's before...do you really think of me as a stranger?" Jaehyun asked, his voice suddenly becoming much softer than it was before. You stared at him for a couple of seconds before giving your answer, not sure how to respond.

"No, I guess not. But I've been wondering, why were you standing here and watching me play in the first place? Shouldn't you have gone home by now, or at least, isn't there choir practice today in the chorus room?" you asked.

"Practice would've probably ended.." Jaehyun room a quick glance at the clock, "ten minutes ago, roughly. But I don't mind, I'm sure the choir teacher will be fine with me missing out on just one practice" he said, not giving much thought.

"Crap, I'm sorry for making you miss your practice," you responded, becoming slightly embarrassed. It had hit you just now that Jaehyun had skipped out on choir practice just to watch you play.

"I was on my way to the choir room, but I noticed someone was playing on the piano, which is why I came to check it out. I stayed after seeing that it was you," Jaehyun explained.

"How could you tell it was me?" you asked, suddenly confused.

"I've seen you play before at a past choir concert remember? You have a gift. It would be pretty hard for me to forget the way you play, or you in general. I think missing out on practice just to watch you play is worth it," Jaehyun said. His tone made him sound chill but once glance at him and his reddening ears had given him away, he was clearly a bit embarrassed by saying this.

"Oh. Thanks, I guess," you responded, now feeling your own ears turn red. An awkward silence came about you two, which was quickly ended by Jaehyun clearing his throat.

"Okay, so should we start?" Jaehyun asked, cracking his knuckles.

"You know how to play?" you asked, also stretching out your fingers.

"Yeah, I learned a little bit of piano when I was younger. I'm not as gifted as you are but I can play a few pieces. Wait here," Jaehyun quickly slid out of the seat and made his way over to the drawers filled with sheet music for the piano. He rummaged through the stacks, searching for the piece you assumed would be the one he wants to play with you. You werent sure why you had no objections to this, as you've never played with someone before, but there was something that made you feel excited when thinking about playing with Jaehyun. The more you had interacted him, the more you noticed about him. He had pretty, delicate hands, and long eyelashes. His eyes also lit up a bit when he smiled at you, which at first had no effect on you, but as he gave you a warm smile while hearing back to your shared seat with the papers in hand, you could feel your heart race faster and faster. You only now just met him, you reminded yourself. You've never once had a conversation with him before this. There was no way you could be developing something for the very attractive choir boy who sat a few desks ahead of you in class. Jaehyun placed the sheet music in front of both of you, quickly opening it to the last few pages. You took a glance at the notes, and recognized it immediately.

"We're gonna play Moonlight Sonata? But you just saw what happened when I tried playing it-"

"Don't worry, the song will be finished. We'll do it together, okay?" Jaehyun said, reassuringly.

"Why are you doing this?" you blurted, now more confused than ever. Jaehyun shrugged.

"Do I need a reason to?" he stated. You took a deep breath and faced the piano keys, readying your fingers and placing them over the starting keys. You expected Jaehyun to do the same, but he just stared at you. "Okay, go ahead and start," he said, nodding. You glanced at him once last time, before closing your eyes and letting your fingers take control of your mind. You started off slow at adagio, but as the piece carried on, you went through the movement of allegretto, and soon enough found yourself nearing the last part you couldn't bring yourself to finish. As you reached the presto agitato, you could feel your fingers slowly start to shake, and your mind starting to shut down. However, instead of hearing the silence that usually came, the sounds of the piano was still audible, and as you opened your eyes, you saw Jaehyun, playing the rest of the piece for- no, with you. You could feel your eyes watering up as you finally heard the rest of the song play, after many years. You had forgotten how beautiful the rest of it was to you, and slowly, you could feel your fingers work their way into playing with him, finding the courage to move your fingers above the keys and play the rest of it. As you finished, you closed your eyes and let out a sigh of relief. It felt like a thorn inside of you had finally been plucked out, like a weight had been taken off your chest. In that moment, you had never been more grateful towards anyone else like you had towards Jaehyun. You felt your eyes water again, and this time, you just let them fall.

"Thank you..." you sputtered in between sobs, "thank you so much for helping me with this," you were sobbing as hard as a child but you couldn't help it. Tears of both happiness and sadness came flooding out at the same time. Jaehyun simply smiled at you and slung an arm around your shoulder, slowly pulling you into his chest.

"It's okay," he whispered. "You can cry as long as you want, I don't mind. I can tell its been tough for you, but it's alright now. You can move on now," he said softly, while stroking your hair. You sobbed even harder, face buried into his chest. You hated showing your emotions like this, but Jaehyun just felt so safe. You didn't want to admit it at the time, but looking back at it now, the day the two of you really met, it was the day you had fallen in love with him.

[jean-and-ali-liveblogs]

CYM’s final posts

Ali: So, White Diamond, eh?

I don’t even know for how long we were assuming she was a person that existed. Probably since Peridot arrived on Earth in her hand ship for the very first time and we got to see the logo on the floor of her ship made out of blue, yellow and white triangles. 

When we finally had name dropped in the show and then we got to see her for the very first time, she truly appeared to be somebody completely alien. Seeing her for the first time in Legs From Here to Homeworld left me truly terrified. She was radiant, she was bright, she was scary, she seemed to know everything and for the life of me I could not figure out what was her deal.

But then it turned out she wasn’t all that alien and unknown at all. What she was - and probably still is to a degree, gonna get into that later on - was “just” narcissistic and extremely abusive. The archetype of “mother knows best” turned to extreme. She was convinced that she was the only person in the whole world who knows what is the right thing to do, what is the right things to think, what is the right way of living. So full of herself and so sure that she is a perfect being that doesn’t have a single flaw. And if somebody disagrees with her? If somebody has a different mind-set than her? Well, they are clearly insane! They have no idea what they are talking about! At least that’s what she though. Because to her - since she is the only one who looks at the world in the right way - anybody who cannot see things the same way she does, must be flawned and even simply stupid. 

She was also so sure of herself, that she was convinced that all her plans will always go right no matter what and sooner or later everybody will fall into the line that she envisions. From the little dialogue we got from her on the matter of Pink Diamond, it sounded like she knew - at least to some degree - what happened with Pink, that she had at least some idea of Pink turning into Rose and the whole rebellion being staged. And then when she addressed Steven - convinced she is talking to Pink - she was actually quite dismissive of those events. “Did you have fun? Did you get everything out of your system?” . Like if to her it wasn’t really all that big deal actually. Like if to her it felt like “her child” throwing a tantrum and playing some dumb game, and once they are done with that, they will crawl right back to her. I imagine that if you are this full of yourself, so deeply narcistic, when you have this big ego, it’s not hard for you to think “I just need to wait a bit, and everybody will realize I was right”.

In all honesty, people like that disgust me. I think it was pretty evident from the moment I stated that I hate her during liveblog, and honestly, that was first time in a very very long time I felt such a strong negative feeling towards anybody, either existing or fictional person. I just really could not stand her manipulating Steven in such a awful and cruel way. And the fact that she thought she was helping “her” made it all that worse. For the record, I do not hate her anymore, that feeling faded away, I am gonna get into my personal opinion on her later on in this post. 

Anyway,  still, I think she did love Pink. I think she genuinely loved her and continued to love her even after she was gone, but repressed that until Steven flashed her with love. And I think she was “better at” loving her before everything with Earth happened. I don’t really have much to go by, but I keep clinging to that line that Blue said, how all FOUR of them played together, how White took part in guessing songs sung from the bottom of the pool. And there was also that one drawing of all four of them that Steven found in Pink’s room, drawing in which White was depicted in rather positive way. 

I am not saying that before events of rebellion White wasn’t abusive and narcistic and egoistic. But I think she wasn’t as far gone as we got to see in last episodes. I think that Pink’s “shattering” messed her up just as much as it messed up Blue and Yellow, just in different way. Whetever she knew what happened from the start or not, in her eyes, in her opinion, she got to see how truly flawned gems and Pink are. And since I think she did care about Pink - just in her messed up way - she blamed herself for what happened too. She probably thought that she wasn’t enforcing her rules well enough. That the rebellion happened because she was being too soft. That she should repress all the feelings and “flaws” even harder and be even more demanding and even more unreachable and then something like rebellion will never happen again. Of course those are all the wrong conclusions. But I really think what Pink did really made her spiral into who we got to meet when Steven went to Homeworld. I think she misjudged WHY rebellion happened and totally lost the touch with reality - among other things. Obviously that doesn’t excuse things she did. 

So then this happened.

Steven went and radiated love and trust and joy all over the room she was in. Pretty much flashed her with self-love and self-respect in their most healthy and pure forms. You can hardly keep supressing your feelings when somebody gives you performance like that. 

But another thing was that she was wrong. She ripped that gem out of Steven, 100% sure Pink is going to come back and that didn’t happen. And there was no denying it. There was no way for her to deny it, no way for her to not accept what just happened. For the very first time in millennia White Diamond - somebody who saw herself as perfect, flawless being who is never wrong - was faced with an undeniable fact that she was completely fully wrong about something. That had to hurt. That had to be scary and confussing. 

That combined with Steven doing his thing must have broken all her dams, must have made all the feelings flew back to her, every single thing she was repressing, thrown back at her in that one moment. No wonder she had quite a mental breakdown at the end.

And I also think she was embrassed too. I mean, she was still trying to cling to this idea of herself she had, of being perfect and amazing, and then this little organic throws back at her her own words and accuses her of acting like a child just after she threw quite a childish tantrum. 

It all really got to her and it all really worked. And I can’t find it in myself to hate her anymore, when I would much rather give her a chance. And she is already waaaaaaaaay different! 

Faced with off-colors, she is the only one who actually attempts to greet them. You know, those gems who she would shatter without a thought just a day before this? And really, the main reason she is trying, is because Steven introduced them, asked them to say “hi” 

I have a feeling that from now on for a longer time White is going to be really impressionable and maybe even easily steered - so hopefully nobody gives her any bad ideas. I mean, she was just wrong about this whole thing with Pink Diamond! Totally, utterly wrong! That had to be scary and even - in a way - traumatic experience. And White is not a moron. If she was wrong about that, then what if she was wrong about everything else? What if she is still wrong about dozens of stuff? I would not be surprised if she is thinking along those lines. She is having a time filled with self-doubt coming for her. You can see how confused and even a bit scared she is during the montage at the end of the episode. It’s all good for her though. She is going to need a lot of help with her family now, but it’s going to be a great time for her of figuring out better outlook on the world, on people around her and on herself. 

But this is by far the most glorious moment with White Diamond. 

Remember how 2 and a half word was a record? How Yellow was mad that she never talks with her? How she pretty much zombified everybody for speaking their minds? 

JUST LOOK AT HER NOW! Blue is giving her some long monologue about something and White is listening with pure interest. She is so interested! So shocked! Blue has her full attention. IT’S AMAZING! Sure she still seems confussed and somehow scared, but that’s great! SHE IS CHAAANGING!

And honestly, it feels like White went from insane narcistic egomaniac to socialy awkard confussed lady who really loves her family, but doesn’t really know yet how to go about showing them that. 

Really, can’t we have Steven in the real world, so he can figure out a world-wide peace for us? Please? 

Honestly, that few seconds of them three sitting there and talking is one of my favourite scenes of that episode. 

I don’t think I would be far off thinking that in past Blue and Yellow always did their best to be 100% serious and professional around White, in fear that any behaviour that’s not part of “what they are for” is going to be criticized. 

And here Yellow is sitting with huge smug grin and Blue is laughing like a total dork. White looks like she has no idea what the hell is even going on, but she is clearly not negative about it! 

And this little expression. “I am willing to try your way. I want to try your way.” She is putting trust into other people, she is trusting other people to know better what to do than she does. 

The amount of change that happened is enormous and the crazy thing is that it doesn’t feel rushed. And I am sure it won’t be the end of it yet either.

She will still make mistakes. She will still mess things up. She will still say things or do things that will hurt others. But now she is willing to try. She wants to have her mind changed. 

And I am willing to give her a chance. As crazy  - and even wrong to a degree - it sounds, I already like her as a person. What she showed me after she got to Earth, was enough to change my mind about her.

I still didn’t forgive her, nor Blue or Yellow. Although, Blue and Yellow are somehow even more excused now. Seeing how terrified they were of White, how clearly abused, I am somehow more willing to forgive them all the awful things they did over the galaxy. I mean, if somebody is pulling a gun to your head and gives you a second gun and tells you to shoot somebody, how much blamed you can be for pulling the trigger? If Blue and Yellow didn’t do what White wanted them to do, eventually she would just zap them with her eye lasers and there would not be Steven and Crystal Gems in the past to help them. 

Still, some of the things that Blue and Yellow did, didn’t happen because of White. Blue clearly showed us what she thought of fusion before the ball. So, I am somehow conflicted still, and I will need to see how Blue and Yellow will proceed from now. They are gonna stay in “Loved but pending forgivness” for a bit longer.

Really, there is only one thing I can forgive all three of them right now. I can forgive them how they treated Steven. Just because he is the one forgiving them that too. And I can hardly deny him his choice. ... Althought White is getting that forgivness still a bit begrudgingly, seeing how she really went far with her manipulation and abuse. 

But god damn it, people can change! And so can the diamonds. If they want to be better, if they want to learn how to love and how to let people be who they are and how to just let go and relax, and if Steven is willing to show them and teach them and love them too, then I am definitely not upset about that. I am happy about that.  And they are clearly trying. And they are really doing great so far!

So, I don’t know how they will make up for all the planets they destroyed. For all the organic life over the cosmos that’s gone because of them. For all the gems that were shattered for fusing or being wrong. For all the gems who had to hide for being off-color. For all the suffering of the fusion experiments. For the Cluster. 

There is so much wrong they did. So much pain and suffering they inflicted. And some of those things can’t be ever fixed. You can’t bring back those who died because of them. 

But if they are willing to truly and fully change, I am more than happy to cheer them on.

[lightsburnbrite]

Such a Thrill: Part 14/Final

Late. As always.

Leon laughed audibly as he glanced at his phone. He stepped out for a few last minute items and was no more than five minutes away, but Marius was still going to give him a hard time about it.

By the time he made it home, everyone had arrived. When Karina first suggested that they have both their families over, she was initially hesitant due to the space required. Their new apartment was larger than both their separate places but there wouldn’t be enough room to offer an overnight stay.

Then it hit her that she had Marwin’s house. Karina had hired a caretaker for at least until she figured out what she wanted to do with the place but right now, it was the perfect option. She hired a personal chef for the weekend and made sure every family member, including Leon’s sisters and their children, would have a place to stay if they wanted.

When Karina heard the chime signaling that the gate was opening, she dropped everything to meet Leon at the door. As soon as he walked in, she stood there, beaming a smile at him. “Hello, sir.”

“Hello to you too, beautiful.” Leon put the bags he had brought in aside and took one long stride so that he met up with Karina. Cradling her face in his hands, he kissed her deeply followed by two shorter kisses.

“Everyone’s made it.” Karina giggled as she contemplated sneaking off to their bedroom for a few minutes. “I think Elsa’s in love with your nephew.”

Leon smiled as he kissed her one last time. “Linus is a good kid, she’s a good dog. It’s a perfect match. When’s dinner?”

“Soon.” Karina wrapped her arms around Leon’s waist to hug him before he stepped away. “But plenty of time for you to introduce me to everyone.”

Leon let out a laugh as he followed Karina out to the terrace.

Karina had a hard time determining who gave Leon a harder time about not introducing her to them sooner, his mother or his sisters. It seemed like once the initial introduction then gentle scolding had taken place, there were twenty questions for Karina. How did she and Leon meet? How long had they been seriously seeing one another? What did she do for work? How did she like Munich?

“Sorry about the interrogation.” Leon’s youngest sister, Laura walked over and stood by Karina. “It was always a big deal when Leon found a girlfriend.”

Karina smiled and gave a little nod. “It’s ok. We both realized it had been long enough so that’s why we wanted to get everyone together. Obviously you all know Marius too.”

Karina’s smile was to be polite but it was also from genuine happiness. Less than a year ago, she would never have thought she’d be so calm and relaxed over the ideal meeting his family. Granted, she wanted to leave a good impression but it didn’t send her into a panicked spiral like it would have earlier.

***

“So,” Dr. Kattan smiled warmly. “Why don’t we start from the beginning?”

Karina gave a slight nod and inhaled sharply. “I had designed a private gallery for a man and he invited me to the party he held so he could show it off to his friends. While I was there, a man approached me and inquired of I would be willing to do the same for him. I declined because I was very busy with my schoolwork and that seemed to be the end of it.”

Leon rested his hand on her thigh, recalling their phone call where she first described meeting him and he brushed it off as nothing.

“There was one more time where he actually came up and spoke to me after that, I thought I had shut it down completely because I said it was against my job’s policy to do outside work. But I kept seeing him around places, just like in the corner of my eye. First I thought I was imagining it, sometimes I still think that, but it was never long enough to really know for sure. Then Leon and I went away to Amsterdam for the week and when we came back, he had broken in and was waiting for me in my bed.”

Dr. Kattan had been alternating between looking at Karina and taking notes. “It’s obvious that your anxiety has been set off by this traumatic event. That’s half the battle, finding out what’s causing your panic attacks. The second part is retraining your brain to realize this was an isolated incident and it does not need to operate in constant flight mode.”

Karina nodded, everything that was being said made sense. The uncertainty came from if the treatment would actually be successful.

“Now,” She flipped back to a prior page of notes. “I know that you’re currently taking and SSRI and a sedative. How frequently do you use the Xanax?”

“I take them both once a day.” Karina started to question if that was part of the problem. “That’s what my doctor said.”

When Dr. Kattan looked up, somewhat surprised, she had her answer. “The Prozac, yes. But the Xanax should be reserved for when you are actually having a panic attack. Long term use can lead to addiction. Have you been experiencing any side effects?”

“Um,” Karina honestly didn’t know how to answer the question but fortunately, Leon stepped in.

“I don’t like her on them.” He cleared his throat. “She’s not herself, it’s almost as if she’s depressed instead of just calmer. Nothing really seems to interest her, she doesn’t have much of an appetite and we don’t-”

Leon stopped himself but Karina just shrugged, figuring she had nothing to hide, and finished his sentence. “I don’t feel like having sex either.”

“Ok,” Dr. Kattan closed her folio. “Those are things I can work with. For starters, I want you to work your way down from the daily Xanax. Starting with half for a week then moving to every other day, then just as needed. I’m also going to switch you from the fluoxetine to escitalopram to see if that helps as well. It’s still an SSRI form of an anti depressant but it has a different chemical structure. Sometimes that can make all the difference. Now, I’ll come back to your for our next session, but let’s try to aim for the following week in my office? We can set small goals as far as leaving the apartment and work our way up. Leon, you can help with that as well as she obviously feels safest when you’re with her.”

Leon smiled at the thought. He was trying his best not to take Karina’s current state personally, but his ego definitely took a hit when she was indifferent towards him. Dr. Kattan gave him the job of helping Karina to remember five different steps to take to keep herself grounded as she venture farther and farther outside. Leon didn’t realize how much he needed to hear that he had been a huge part of the progress Karina was making. As soon as Dr. Kattan had said it, Karina knew she was right.

***

“I hope he’s taking care of you.”

Karina’s mind had wandered during dinner only to be brought back by Leon’s mother.

“Mama,” Leon interrupted. “Karina doesn’t need anyone to take care of her.”

Karina put her hand on top of Leon’s arm and couldn’t help but to smile as she gave a little nod. “I love your son very much and I can honestly say that I am better for having him in my life. He treats me very well.”

It was unintentional, but Karina glanced over at Marius and she knew she saw the corner of his mouth turn up slightly. Neither he nor Leon had mentioned anything to her, but they had obviously cleared things up between the two of them and Marius was noticeably kinder to Karina as well.

“So,” Marius spoke now. “What was the reason for bringing everyone together like this?”

“No reason in particular,” Karina shrugged him off. “We just thought that it had been a while and I had never been properly introduce to everyone.”

“You’re not pregnant then?” Marius laughed, but Karina knew there was at least some suspicion on his part.

Holding up her glass, Karina smiled. “You do know how much I love my Prosecco, don’t you?”

That got a laugh out of everyone and to both Leon and Karina’s relief, the subject of conversation moved away from them. After everyone had retreated to their quarters, Karina finally felt like she could relax as she went upstairs to the room she would always consider to be hers. She found Leon standing in front of the wardrobe, looking at some of the dresses she had yet to move to their apartment.

“Maybe I should take you out someplace where you have an excuse to wear these.” Leon pulled  her Saint Laurent sequined mini dress away from the others. “Like, I’d love to see you wear this.”

Karina smiled back at him as she placed her hand on his arm and kissed him. “Soon.”

She changed out of her clothes into a silk camisole and shorts pajama set and sat on the edge of the bed, her feet dangling just above the floor. Leon sat down next to her and frowned “Did you ever have sex with him in here?”

Karina only shook her head at first. “No, he only came in her once and that’s when he told me he didn’t want to see me anymore.”

When Karina laughed, Leon looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

“Sorry,” she laughed again. “I just realized that one of the last times I slept with him, I imagined that it was you.”

“Really?” Leon felt a little surge of pride.

Picking up on that, Karin smiled at him again and stroked his cheek. “This was before you came over for dinner. I wanted you but nothing had happened yet.”

Leon leaned in and rested his forehead against hers before giving her a kiss. “You didn’t think we should tell everyone why we wanted to get them together?”

“There would have definitely been hurt feelings on my mother’s part.” Karina turned so that she was facing him now, resting both her hand on his thigh. “She’s going to be mad no matter what, but I just thought telling her at the same time in front of your entire family as well would have just made it worse. She’d want to think about how her reaction was perceived by everyone else too.”

With a slight frown, he tilted his head to the side. “Why do you think she’s going to be mad?”

“Because it’s not how she envisioned things.” She gave him a simple, reassuring kiss. “Getting married is supposed to involve some lavish ceremony with everyone there followed by a massive party and I’ve taken that opportunity away from her.”

He nodded, obviously Karina knew her parents well enough, but her explanation made sense. “Do you care how we tell my side?”

“However you think is best,” Karina smoothed Leon’s hair back before she kissed him again, leaving her lips to linger on his as she smiled. “You are very clever, you know.”

Leon slid Karina off his lap only to scoop her up and lay her on the bed in front of him. Leaning over, he kissed her before straddling her hips, playfully pinning her to the bed. He moved over again so that he was now laying next to Karina, his arm propped up by his elbow. “Are you happy with the way we did things, Maus? I mean, do you want a wedding?”

“No.” Karina shook her head before she snuggled in against him and closed her eyes. “I feel like I have gotten a millions times better about things, but I just don’t want to have that much attention on myself.”

She sighed before suddenly her eyes flew open and she sat up. “Are you happy?”

Leon offered her a reassuring albeit sleepy smile as he gently pulled her back against him. “You married me, Mausi, what more could I ask for?”

[rememberthepastme]

6/15/2020

So, I’ve switched to a new therapist named Jaime since GT kicked me out. No ill will towards my old therapist because it’s not her fault, but it still sucked. Looking for a new therapist was not a fun process. In any case, the reason I’m writing today is about a specific incident that occurred 2 days ago, on Saturday.

I had my first panic attack.

My family left to go to Florida for the weekend and a few days, so I invited Julia over to come hang out. We’re dating now. She brought an edible with her that she got from one of her friends, and we thought it would be fun to take together. I’ve taken edibles before, gotten high before, taken hits from dab pens, smoked, etc., so I wasn’t worried about it. But for whatever reason, this time didn’t go so swimmingly. It started off like normal, I began feeling the body high, I got pins and needles all over, my heart began beating a little faster, and I felt the cotton mouth. Then I felt the mental part, I had a looser track of time, my thoughts felt slow, and I had to struggle to stay focused on a single thing. These progressively got worse and worse. I first noted that it was hitting hard after around 30 minutes. Then, it was the highest I had ever felt after 45. Then I think around an hour or so after I took the edible, I began feeling a little ill. It manifested as a pressure in the back of my throat/esophagus, like I was going to throw up. I started feeling the cold sweats that usually accompany vomit so I ran to the bathroom and knelt in front of the toilet to get it all out. I had vomited from drinking before and in that situation, once you get it out you feel a million times better, so I was hoping I would vomit, take a breather, and be fine.

Unfortunately, that never happened. Nothing ever came up, and I never had the heaves that come with throwing up. Instead, my symptoms kept getting worse. The pins and needles turned into cramps, and then full on muscle convulsions. My heart sped up higher and higher, and my breathing became more ragged. It felt like I when you’re sobbing and it’s hard to catch your breath. My thoughts became even more clouded, and my hold on time and place loosened. Eventually I couldn’t keep myself over the toilet anymore, at which point I caved and called for Julia. She came running over, and started caring for me. At this point, I felt horrible. It was just a little edible and I was on the bathroom floor incapacitated because of it. I thought I would just wait it out and then have a funny story to laugh at afterwards. But I kept getting worse. Alongside my quickly loosening grip on time and reality, I began to feel as though I was throwing up. I mentally felt every heave and the bile in my mouth, and it spewing from my lips, though none of it actually occurred. Every thought I had turned into an intrusive thought complete with a scenario that played out in my head like a movie, every second. It was incredibly hard to stay in the moment and not lose myself to these runaway thoughts. Every single one felt real, and reality wasn’t much different. I likened it to Dr. Strange looking through 14 million futures in Avengers to Julia. I stopped being able to move entirely, and breathing became even more difficult for me. I felt terrible since Julia had to care for me, and every moment that I got worse meant that the situation would probably be even more traumatic for Julia. I could barely speak between my cotton mouth, muscle convulsions, ragged breathing, and runaway thoughts, but I began apologizing to Julia over and over. I also started to describe these symptoms as much as I could. I thought if I focused on externalizing them, I could control them as if they were nothing more than the physical aspects of my emotions. After all, a bad trip was just mental, right? I tried voicing this to Julia too, though I’m honestly not sure how coherent I was.

The symptoms continued to get worse. My hands started hurting because of how hard my muscles were contracting and trembling, and my breathing got to a point that made me feel faint. I was past just feeling like I had been sobbing. I also started losing the sense of feeling in my body. I felt cold and hot at the same time, and I couldn’t feel the ground under me. My vision tunneled until I couldn’t see anything but the singular point I was focused on, almost like the inverse of my ocular migraines. Once my breathing got really bad, I started to freak out. My thoughts turned to those of serious injury and passing out, so I started trying to control myself as much as possible. Julia laid me on the ground once it was clear I wasn’t going to vomit, and then propped my head up on something. (I never looked at what it was). I was trying to consider the repercussions of calling 911 at this point. I knew that American healthcare was terrible and if this whole thing was going to blow over I didn’t want anyone else involved. I especially hated the irony of involving cops in these times, because I much as I hated them they would end up showing if 911 was called. Even more than that, I knew that I was exactly the stereotype of rich white boy tries weed and has a bad experience. I vehemently hated the idea of being that person. I tried to downplay all the symptoms in my head and justify them, but it was clear I had little control and they kept getting worse. Eventually, my breathing got to a point where I was struggling to keep conscious. I finally gave in and told Julia to call 911.

This was when I started feeling like I was fighting to stay alive. I was still externalizing to Julia as much as possible, and I told her I felt like my soul was leaving my body, and I if I gave in even the slightest it would leave and I would die. I felt very, very close to death. I started conflating this feeling of fighting for my life with fighting against my symptoms. I had to prove that this was all mental, it was all for show, and that I was still in control. I first tried forcing my breathing to slow, but my heart was still beating so fast it felt worse than what I was doing before. So I tried moving. I was clenching and unclenching my hands at first, but when I felt as though I was going to die I attempted to stand and walk outside. I’m not really sure what the rationale was, I remember thinking if I made it outside I would have a greater chance of living somehow. I made it out of the bathroom and about 5 steps before collapsing into a chair Julia pulled over for me in the middle of the hallway. The time being propped up on the bathroom floor and walking to the hallway was probably the peak of the symptoms, as it plateaued from there. Can’t get much worse than feeling close to death, I suppose.

I started sobbing that I didn’t want to die to Julia. I was terrified, scared out of mind, literally. The crying made breathing even more difficult though, so I tried to focus on my movement. Eventually, the paramedics showed up and checked me out. They told me I wasn’t going to die, and coached me through breathing. They told me to focus on in through my nose, and out through my mouth. With that technique I was able to get my breathing under control to a degree, and I no longer felt as though I was dying. However the other physical effects were still there. They offered to bring me to the hospital, but they said they basically wouldn’t do anything for me but lay me down and give me oxygen, and I’d probably be fine after a while on my own. I chose to stay, and thankfully they said a visit is free. However, I’ll have to wait and see if I get anything in the mail.

After that, I calmed down and the symptoms mostly went away. I was left just feeling very high, though it certainly wasn’t pleasant. The pressure in my throat I felt from the beginning remained constant, and so I was terrified that it would happen again. I realized that even thinking about the attack instantly gave me trembling and constricted my throat a bit. This was about the worst possible scenario for me because the way I think is by playing out my memories in my head and envisioning new ones, so not thinking about a memory was incredibly difficult. I tried distracting myself by watching TV or tiktoks but ultimately I would remember that I’m doing that in order to distract myself from thinking about the attack, which of course would make it worse. Eventually I just tried my hardest to fall asleep, and thankfully I did. By the time I woke up, the high had worn off and thinking about the attack no longer made me worry about triggering another.

The entire experience was extremely traumatic and I don’t think I’ve really processed it yet. According to Julia, the entire episode from me calling for her to the paramedics leaving was around an hour, though it felt much much longer to me. I had no sense of time at all. In any case, I’m not gonna go near weed for quite some time.

[disneyfanatic-kitty]

3/5/17 very late show note

 I should start by saying I have never done this before so I probably don’t know what I’m doing and I honestly could not recall that much detail for this to be meaningful for many compared to other show reports. I also understand that this is a rather late report for Tumblr’s standard but I don’t care. I’m still doing this because 1. this is very likely the only time I would ever watch HPCC and it’s certainly an experience of a life time for me that I want to do this for myself to record as much of my thoughts and feelings from watching the show as I can so I will always be able to look back in the future to reminisce this surreal day; 2. I mentioned that I would try to write my thoughts down earlier and I like to honor my promise even if no one cares; and lastly, 3. I actually got requested to share my thoughts on the show by a reader of a fanfic I have been publishing on fanfiction.net so I want to give it a try even though I may not be too good at this.

 Before moving on to the actual show, I would like to say that I felt like the luckiest person on earth on that day because I have bought the tickets months ago (before booking my flight of course) without any way to foresee the cast I would get to watch. I had never been to England in my entire life and I’m not ashamed to admit that I flew halfway across the world to watch Cursed Child. I had been crossing my fingers that I would get to watch the original cast, especially Jamie, Sam and Anthony, so I was extremely hyped by the announcement of the cast change confirming that the original cast would still be around when I watched the show, but that was nothing compared to the excitement of reading the actual cast list with the full original cast on (because the performance was filmed for archive purpose). Also, I had never gone to the stage door after a show before but had not been sure that I would be able to (I was with a family member and she had worried about wandering around late in a strange city). It turned out well and I’m so glad I got to go.

 If you are still around, here’s my thoughts on the actual show (I feel like this is more like my general thoughts and impressions on the show rather than the specific show on 3/5/2017, so don’t expect me to point out anything special about this particular show):

- Acting/Characters – Having read the script before, of course I had known all about the story but I really got to be surprised by how some characters were portrayed on stage compared to how I envisioned them from reading the scripts. Anthony Boyle’s Scorpius was the most extreme case that I had found his voice absolutely jarring when he first started speaking, even though I had actually been expecting something rather different from his regular speaking voice on the video clips I have watched from reading about how he acted with a very different voice in some interviews. His voice for Scorpius reminded me a lot of Hiccup from “How to train your dragon” in the sense that one would not have expected such a hight-pitched voice at all when he first looked at an image of the character, but I did get used to it in times. He was great once I had got over my shock and I liked how much body languages Scorpius used when talking as it made sense for his character to act this way. Of course I loved all the Scorbus scenes but one scene surprised me was Amos’ conversation with the boys. Reading it I did not expect Scorpius to say his “Do we?” and “Are we?” so loudly (and in such a high-pitch) to make it a funny moment on the show. His heartbreak for being separated from Albus and constant discomfort in the 2nd alternate reality was great as well. 

 Jamie Parker’s Harry also stood out for being very different from what I had imagined, in the sense that I had not expected him to act this traumatized by his past, such as how loud he screamed at the end of his nightmares, especially with the first one. (The description in the script was “Harry wakes suddenly. Breathing deeply in the night”, not “Harry screaming at the top of his lungs”) Having watched 8 movies, some many times, and never the play, of course Dan would easily come into my mind when I read the character of Harry, and while his Harry was suitably traumatized at times, he had not appeared to be THAT affected the way Jamie played it. (Of course Harry could have become much more traumatized after the war though) This has nothing to do with which did better but just a personal observation on how different the character was played. Also, I was surprised by how often he kind of shouted his lines talking to Albus, it made more sense to me that Harry was shouting in the bedroom scene, to a degree the dormitory scene too, but I had not expected him to shout (or just talking very loudly?) in the ending scene at all. (I’m not saying I particularly like or hate it, it was just not expected for me that’s all) He was great but the truth is, I simply do not like CC’s Harry too much as a character. His acting stood out for me the most in the Potters’ murders, with his heartbreaking screams of pure agony.

 While Sam Clemmett’s Albus was pretty much what I had expected reading the script, I had found Albus’ character pretty selfish and not likeable from the script that I was very glad that the vulnerability displayed by Sam on stage made him much more relatable and sympathetic to me, to the point that I actually loved Sam’s performance the most out of all characters. The library scene between Anthony and Sam was easily one of my favorite scenes of all because of how heartfelt it felt that of course I could not help smiling when they made up at the end. (My other favorite scene being the staircase ballet, so much feels ;) )

 I would not say Paul’s Ron was much different from the script but he acted much less like a fool and pure comic relief with more depth than what the script had called for. I really enjoyed watching the differences among the three versions of Hermione and Ron as each of them had felt like his/her own character with his/her own history and experience. While it was hard to wrap my head to the fact that Noma was playing the same character I had grown up watching Emma playing, she played her personality traits so on point that Hermione’s my favorite on stage among the trio.

 Surprisingly, Alex Price’s Draco Malfoy was my second favorite performance, behind Sam’s. I loved how even after all these years, Draco still teased the trios every chance he got and looked to genuinely enjoy doing so. One of my favorite moments with Draco was the part he said he enjoyed being bossed around by Hermione, Ron’s prolonged stare made that amazing. Having read the script months ago, it was surprising to watch the show to realize how little interaction there was between the Malfoys, especially compared to Harry and Albus, but Anthony and Alex shared great chemistry and even resemblance. I was really getting Lucius Malfoy’s vibe from the 2th alternate reality’s Draco, especially with his hairdo. My another favorite moment of Draco’s was his hug with Scorpius at Godric’s Hollow, I was really glad this was not played awkwardly the way described in the script, the Malfoys had been through so much that they deserved their warm and loving moment. I also loved how protective Draco was to Scorpius while witnessing the Potters’ murders.

 Of the other characters, Poppy was great as the loving mother to Albus and caring wife to Harry, and Myrtle was the biggest scene-stealer among the supporting cast for me.

 - Music – I had come across a playlist of the music of the show months before watching it and had been struck by how different Imogen Heap’s works were compared to the epic sounds of John Williams’ and the later composers of the movies. The music really set a different mood to the show and I came out really liking the unique sounds that fit the moods of the play so well, especially the staircase’s ballet. I have since can’t get enough of “The Walk”, which seemed to have become the theme music of the show.

 - Production – While reading the script, I had always assumed the lake scene to be played like the Little Mermaid musical in the sense that a fake water surface would be used to represent the surfacing of the characters from the water considering how inconvenient it would be for the actors to not only get wet but absolutely soaked every performance that the use of a real pool of water was definitely the most shocking aspect of the show for me, even ahead of Anthony’s voice as Scorpius. I have great admiration for them for not taking the easy way out, especially given how much a pain this would be for the costume and hair departments, and the fact that the boys have to appear so soon after on stage with dry hair.

 In my opinions, the most innovative aspect of the show has to be the clever uses of suitcases as such a wide variety of set pieces, including and not limiting to train compartments, train exterior and headstones. I could also totally see how the movements of the show would get a nomination despite it not being a “dance” show as it was really impressive to see how smooth and creative the transitions between the scenes were in the show. The dementors were absolutely stunning and chilling and made for the perfect ending scene of the first act. All of the special effects for the magic were wonderfully done, even when it was rather obvious how they had done that like with the polyjuice scene, I was particularly impressed by the entry to the Ministry but I was more delighted by the little moments like the piling of the files and burning of the permission slip.  

 - Filming – I sat on the first row of the dress circle and a large video camera was set up at the aisle seat on my row near to my seat that more than 2/3 of the audience on my row had to stand up to let me through every time I took my seat, which was rather inconvenient and kind of funny (made me feel important :P) . Someone near to me tried to cross over the seat to get down from row B and was told he would have to go round. (Some staff actually crossed over at one point before the show started to change the setting of a camera in front of the barrier as it had a red light that would “upset the cast”) Other than that, their filming did not cause much inconvenience and disturbance to the audience that I knew of.

 ______________________________________________________

While it’s obvious that this show will live on for a long time with a second cast, third cast and so on, as well as opening in Broadway, being able to watch the whole original cast perform was such a magical experience that I will cherish forever, the fact that they were incredibly nice at stage door made it all the more wonderful.

[cinemaocd]

This week in Rylance-land: Get your Nazi paws off my murderbear edition

It was a quiet week in Rylance land.

Mark was nominated for a Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Award. (Someone should warn him that they might try to drop a bucket of slime on him if he wins, though that probably wouldn’t deter him from reading poetry at his acceptance speech)

and then all hell broke loose as the inevitable has happened. The far-right have adopted Thomas Cromwell as their poster boy.

And I’m just like:

First, Steve Bannon, Trump’s political strategist, likens himself to Thomas Cromwell in an interview. Then The Weekly Standard starts quoting from an article called The Devil and Hilary Mantel. (It’s actually a good article, though the pro-Catholic bias clouds some of its best points.Like if you actually believe in real-life demon possession, it’s kind of hard for me to take you seriously.)

I have not linked to the articles on Bannon, like I usually do because some of them have photoshopped Bannon’s head (which looks like a pumpkin three weeks after Halloween) onto Mark Rylance’s body. And seeing that shit was kind of traumatic for me.

And the timing is terrible because I’ve been trying to break up with Crom for a while now. I desperately need to see other people. And by other people, I mean my OCs. But can I really just walk away from my historical fave when he needs me most?  Now that he’s been appropriated by the most vile people on the planet?

I just can’t seem to quit this fucker…I mean after all he is my MURDERBEAR

Since the start of this national nightmare my brain has gone many times to the Trump= Henry VIII analogy. Of course, it would. And of course my brain took the next step as well...and then came screaming away because I didn’t want to close the dreaded loop: Bannon=Cromwell.

And yet I can not deny that the Trump=Henry VIII analogy is certainly apt. Like Henry, he seems to have NO ideology at all other than personal aggrandizement; he seems to rule by childish whim. Managing him is like managing a child. A child with nearly unlimited power and his finger on the button. All this is so familiar.

I suppose Bannon envisions himself as the competent fixer, working behind the scenes to bring about a great change. You know, it’s just that the great change isn’t a Bible in English or the right for protestants to not be burned alive for their beliefs, it’s white nationalism.

I suddenly don’t feel so good…

And I have to wonder if Bannon has even googled Cromwell. Because he does realize that things didn’t end so well for the guy, right?

It seems pretty clear to me that Bannon has latched onto Crom to help rationalize his fucked up worldview. That’s what we do. We imbue our historical faves with our own values, we project our wishes and reactions onto them. Look, the Jesus fandom took their elaborate RPF and made a whole religion out of it.

The Historical Crom is instructive for those of us wanting to see Bannon defeated. What brought Cromwell down was over-reach: removing one of the most powerful nobles from the court and shortly after being made a baron. His enemies waited for the king’s whims to change a bit and they acted swiftly in the shadow of Henry’s displeasure.Cromwell was arrested and executed before Henry’s mind inevitably shifted back in favor of Cromwell.

(This gif has nothing to do with my post. I just like it.)

Historical Crom could be viewed as a pure opportunist and and reflective, self-awareness is not necessarily a part of his character. His enemies have painted him as a clever thug, out only for himself. Mantel’s Cromwell meticulously records the details of his life, but is blind to his own motives, rationalizing his worst actions as being revenge for the treatment of his master, Cardinal Wolsey. The hollowness of this revenge scheme when it is finally revealed at the end of the second book, can’t substantially damage the reader’s relationship with the protagonist. We have been too long seeing through his eyes, admiring the way he has protected the remnants of his family, has fought in defense of the poor who crowd his gate. He is a murderbear, yes, but he is our murderbear. And he is clearly haunted by the consequences of his actions.

But Steve Bannon is no murderbear. I honestly can not see him as capable of regret or self-reflection. Fictional Crom is a devoted family man, a brief scan of Bannon’s divorce court docs will show that he’s no family values villain ala Crom. Hell, he’s not even Tony Soprano.

[hillarykylie]

y’all it honestly annoys me so much when people think me suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder and my host of other mental health issues is a “choice”. - all of them are intertwined btw

like excuse me what the fuck? the first time I got diagnosed with clinical depression was when I was 12. fucking twelve years old. (I’m 18 now, it’s been 6 years with depression, 5 years with generalised anxiety disorder, 4 years on and off Anorexia and 1 year with BPD, and panic disorder. I’ve been on SSRI for almost a year now)

a lot of it has to do with my chaotic childhood, being sent away and abused by someone who wasn’t my biological parent, and losing some of my loved ones whilst I was growing up. but as usual, people think they know shit just because both my parents are wealthy business people, and assume that my life has been a bed full of roses this whole time and that I’ve been spoilt and pampered my whole life lmao

despite all of my traumatic experiences and struggles, I’ve never been the sort of person who’d wallow in my self-pity or see my mental illnesses as a justifiable “excuse” to not do my best in life or treat people with the respect they deserve? neither do I ever ask anyone for “help” or unload my problems onto them, I’d like to think I’m extremely self-sufficient.

Also I was taught when I was younger than telling people about your problems is essentially useless, but also unnecessary, redundant and dangerous.

trust me, if I could undo my mental illnesses with a snap of a finger and my relentless self-loathing or trade it with anything else, I would instantly do it in a heartbeat.

I know I shouldn’t be ashamed of my mental health, as none of it is my fault, but it makes me feel intrinsically shit when people think this is something I have active control over, or that I don’t deserve to suffer just because I hail from a well-to-do family and seem to be performing impeccably in life.

I’ve been to 4 different Psychologists, psychotherapists and 3 different psychiatrists, all of whom have treated and diagnosed me. If that’s not enough evidence, then idk what is.

With that being said, I’ve been a consistent high-achiever throughout school, or like a “nerd” as everyone refers me to LOL, with the exception that I’m incredibly open-minded and rebellious and a secret party animal. Being awarded with top in cohort for English Language, passing with distinction and commendation multiple times, playing the piano reaching grace 6th and Swimming competitively, being a dancer and winning trophies in my school’s Badminton team, being on the top students’ list for GCSE, getting a scholarship for A Levels, clinching the top for Politics, got A*AA in 7 months - and second best for Law, (and this was when my grandma passed away btw), having variegated interests such as dabbling in boxing and Muay Thai (before I dislocated my knee and when my health was more robust)and being a present writer and editor at my Uni’s magazine.

I practically embody the “perfect all-rounder”, but little do people know that I’d accomplished all of these through sheer hard-work and resilience, something that society in general would NEVER in a million years expect someone struggling with so many physical health, but also mental health issues to do so.

That’s precisely what I mean. I seem to have everything going for me on the surface, portraying the glitz and glamor of my life on Instagram - but internally - I’m struggling every single day with my mind, a whole contrast to my exterior and facade.

The reason why I don’t share in-depth accounts of my feelings, mental health, problems and past is because I know that I’d be trivalised and dismissed. It has happened to me all the time and it still happens, sadly.

Besides, I was raised in an environment where I was always told to keep my problems to myself, as people would eventually use my vulnerabilities against me. I was told to always analyse situations with a healthy amount of skepticism and doubt.

The stuff I’ve been through has made me incredibly wary of people in general, growing up witnessing violence and instability has had a profound impact on how I view myself, the world and others around me.

And oddly enough, whilst girls in school would obsess over finding their Prince Charming and envisioning happily-ever-after scenarios, I was that one morbid soul who’d never imagined myself getting attached to someone else. I saw attachment and trusting someone as the root of all evil. I thought the girls around me were simply naive, juvenile and blissfully ignorant and had always believed that marriage was nothing but an illusion. LOL I’m not kidding, my family was mortified when they heard me utter that at the age of 14/15.

Their look of terrified, aghasted faces were everything. I loved being alone and the idea of having someone romantically involved with me was beyond TERRIFYING. Hence why in relationships, I tend to emotionally distance myself when I sense intimacy being slowly established. I would NEVER tell my ex’s what I would be feeling and panicked at the prospect of them getting to see the raw parts of me. I was so self-sufficient and independent that some of them lamented on how I got so ‘distant’ and ‘cold’ as I gradually pushed them away.

Whilst I did get into relationships as I grew older, I never really saw a future with anyone I got with. I mainly just wanted to feel validated, if that makes sense. I struggled with an unstable self-identity at the point in time, as well as an alarmingly low self-worth. I did get terribly hurt and destroyed along the process of dating these people, but some of these “breakups” and “endings” were instigated by me.

Instead of hurting more intensely should they abandon me after, I’d self-sabotage my own relationship back then and distance myself as far as I could from them, breaking up with them before they could break up with me, so the pain would hurt less eventually.

Rather, I went through a phase where I was simply cruising through a series of unstable casual relationships. Not proud of it, don’t recommend it.

My motto has always been “do it now, and it’ll hurt less later. No one stays forever”. It’s a little sad and distressing that I still believe in that now, but I think a lot of this has to do with what I witnessed within my upbringing when I was a child, which’s all been ingrained in me.

I was never optimistic about anything growing up, instead - I was the biggest pessimist and nihilist you’d ever meet. I find it very very hard to navigate romantic relationships, extremely impossible for me in fact. I never even thought about marriage when I was younger. Yeah I had childhood crushes, but I was literally that girl who couldn’t care less about finding a significant other. Whilst all my friends were madly in love, I was the kid who’d lost hope in humanity and faith in human relationships. Honestly I’ve just never thought I was worthy of love? I always think I’m too broken and damaged for someone to care for me, and the idea that everyone will leave eventually has been so ingrained in me that it’s almost impossible to abandon. I just never thought anyone would ever get me.

I feel like a lot of it has to do with people invalidating me when I was younger, and the fact that BPD itself is such a misunderstood disorder in itself that I feel wronged and maligned all the time. I also have an inherently hard time expressing my emotions.

I’m not the sort of person who’d explode on someone, rather, I’d implode and ‘act in’ on myself and keep myself in isolation when things go awry. I start pushing every single person away as soon as I find them inching a little too close to me.

I do miss people, but I wouldn’t say I’m clingy. I’m far from clingy, literally the complete opposite. Distant, aloof, indifferent, guarded.