#honestly just me rambling about ho-yeol

[bitchofdarkness]

Just got the sudden urge to talk about this, cause I think we're not talking about it enough.

Han Ho-yeol really wasn't cut out for the military. He was a soft hearted guy, who tried his best to fit in with the other's, found sneaky ways to survive the craziness. Hell, he even full-on acted when he had to be tough. His little embodiments throughout the show are awesome, but also tell us a lot about Ho-yeol. He isn't tough, but that other person he impersonates is. I bet that he did the embodiment thing before entering the barracks to talk back at Jang-soo with ease.

In season 2 their MP Commander Yang Du-Gwan basically tells Ho-yeol his whole career is a pile of shit, meaning he probably spent a lot of time in the hospital for various things. What we know for certain is of three incidents:

1. after he got stabbed. (still as a Private)

2. his breathing problems before he comes back and meets Jun-ho. (had been a Corporal before that already)

3. after Suk-bong's attempted suicide. (Guess that experience was rewarded with the Sergeant rank or whatever)

We don't know exactly how long he stayed each time, but the last one was apparently 3 months- according to the MP Commander- maybe four when he actually got back into the field.

My best guess when Ho-yeol described it to Jun-ho in season 1 regarding the second hospital stay "I had trouble breathing, but they didn't find anything and wouldn't let me go to a hospital outside" is that he had panic attacks. Probably so severe that people didn't associate it with that and really assumed it was something physical.

I think those panic attacks probably go back to the first stay, due to the stab wound Nina gave him. I can only assume how afraid he must've been and frustrated that his teammate Park Sung-woo was more interested into partying than actually working with him side by side. There was no feeling of safety, or like someone had his back. The possibility of deserters getting violent had always been high, but after the attack it was a lot more palpable to him. So I wouldn't be surprised that some tight spots working a case just triggered a panic attack and thus eventually led him to the hospital.

Then we got the third incident where he went fully mute due to PTSD. He might've also been afraid to say something, knowing he would have to go back and possibly witnessing/living through more traumatizing stuff than he already had. Or maybe the muteism stemmed from the idea that his words don't change anything anyways, like with Suk-bong. He had tried so hard to talk the guy off his murder-suicide path and was met with disbelief and then the suicide was still attempted right in front of his eyes.

And I know what you might think, Ho-yeol was doing fine when he was at Jun-ho's side and yeah. That's a big point. Remember how Ho-yeol congratulated Jun-ho for beating up Park Sung-woo? He knew exactly why Jun-ho had done it and he also was immediately reassured that he'd be safe with that new fresh faced Private. Someone who could beat up a dude like Sung-woo? And who had to be pried off of him by multiple people? Someone who had been THAT mad about neglecting his duty as a DP and endangering a deserter? Yeah, Ho-yeol would not have to be afraid of deserters attacking him, he could finally breathe knowing he wouldn't be harmed. His anxiety wasn't gone, but he could cope better, since he didn't have to assume each encounter with a deserter would mean physical harm.

And look, season 2 Jun-ho made it even clearer that no one was gonna touch our sweetheart while he was around. So I guess Ho-yeol's faith in Jun-ho was valid.