#honestly idk how I feel about posting art on here anymore cuz I’m like. what… do I post

[chynandri]

Redrawing my enstars merch collection - this Nagisa acrylic stand ⭐️

[hopefully-nightly-doodles]

I don’t really post vent art here but I decided I o post this one cuz well… Honestly it’s mostly cuz I can’t sleep and have a lot of thoughts circling my head right now…

Vent hidden just incase people don’t wanna get depressed reading my wall of text sndbdj

I used to talk a lot in my twitter and I do have a priv that I had posted this vent art on weeks ago but idk- Twitter has become such a toxic space its hard to be active there even in my private account. Well actually its hard to be active anywhere for me, but if you’re a long time follower you probably already know that. I’m a hermit, and very much an introvert with a weird social battery. Every time someone tells me they think I was an extrovert I always get so confused by it-

I don’t even know where I’m going with this or if it will ever see the light of day, but it can’t hurt to try and process feelings right?

Im not going to go into detail on to what made me draw this or the full extent of what’s been happening cuz its complicated as fuck- But I can try and dissect how I’ve been feeling or at least try to. For the past month or maybe more I’ve been tipping back and forth on my mental health, and at the end of May the scales finally tipped over for the worst and I did something so fukin stupid. It was a snap instant regret kinda moment and I knew I fucked up big time. While yes, there were outside things that happened and build up turmoil months prior that got me to that point of mental deterioration before the snap, its on me to have let myself get that bad in the first place.

I should have taken more breaks when I knew I was pushing myself constantly, draining myself constantly. I should have been more firm with my boundaries whenever I mentioned them and should have been better at communicating the hurt and stress and pressure thats been building up before it all came crashing down.

People always say “love yourself before you love others”, and on a logical and fundamental level I always understand why. At least I think I do… But to deeply understand what it actually meant I knew I only had, at best, a foggy grasp of it. And since what’s happened recently I kinda get a little why now. People who are hurt will always end up hurting other people when that hurt is ignored or not properly processed.

And thats what happened to me. I hurt someone I really cared about and I feel gross and unbelievably disappointed in myself for it.

It doesn’t matter how hard you try to be better for others or to be there for people and be kind and supportive to them. Those acts of service and kindness, tho genuine, isn’t going to fill the hole in your heart that you aren’t giving that kind of support to yourself. It’s so self destructive and will leave you to grow bitter from the inside out. And thats why it was so hard to see, and why I didn’t notice till it was too late. Cuz on the outside I look and acted fine, but inside i was deteriorating so much that I got to a point I couldn’t not see it anymore. And in a desperate cry for help I tried to open about it and explain int the worst way possible up but snapped, crossed a boundary I shouldn’t have then ran away.

And I don’t mean snap like get angry, I meant like snap as in I had a mental break that led to the worst tunnel visioned, impulsive fueled action afterwards. Its so hard for me to get genuine angry at people and when I do I walk away to cool down. I at least have some comfort knowing I didn’t unleash burning hot fury on someone cuz I think I might actually puke if I get to that point. That I have become that kind of person. But anger isn’t the only way you can hurt someone and I feel like what I did was kinda worse then plain anger.

Since that happened I just been away from almost everything. I mean I know isolation isn’t the solution so I kept a couple of friends close to have a support system to help me through this. But I did it to think and process everything that happened and has happened before hand that led to that point. And I haven’t just been overthinking and sulking and mopping in the mess I made because honestly who does that help really? I guess that’s what lead me here, to making a tumblr post on my dump account at 7am in the morning. To pick apart my feelings and toss it into the void.

Well that and 2 other reasons… That part where I was talking about being disgusted by myself? Yeh well thoughts of me “erasing myself form the equation” and just snipping connections left and right had pop up in my head more times that in has ever been recently. Cuz you know if ***I’m*** the problem then haha I probably wouldn’t be missed then!

But then two people check up on me and like I shit you not I started crying on the spot. Actually sobbing (but not too loud cuz I can’t cry in this house hold) because oh wow not everyone hates me. Like yes I had my support system and they are doing gods work, they are lovely beautiful human beings and love and adore them! but it’s different when someone you weren’t expecting checks up on you, to know you occupy a space in their head and to hear and see that they cared enough about you to check.

One of them was a friend from a new more recent friend group I had been in when I joined a new fandom. Me and that person hadn’t been particularly close nor talked too much but I loved their company whenever we did get the chance. I wish I talked more to them but time zones and my own social anxiety kinda prevented that so that is something to work on. And the 2nd one was from an old friend I kinda drifted away from a lil, cuz again I moved fandoms, but was very close with. They have absolutely no clue about my current situation but actually checked up on me cuz of uh… The territorial tension between China and the Philippines hdkdbsjsb. It was so out of nowhere and unexpected like they didn’t even have my alt discord to message me but they found a way so I was kinda just super touched-

And those two interactions plus my awesome friends who have been a great support system, that keep me centered and grounded. Im reminded that people do care and that one mistake doesn’t make me scum of the world no matter how loud my toxic thoughts screams it at me. Especially not when I am trying to be better and recognize the mistakes I made and even apologized before taking my break from most my contacts. No one has even called me that but myself cuz Im so quick to be hard on myself for any mistakes.

All I can do now is keep myself centered, allow myself to feel my complicated feelings and process them in a healthy manner, do my best to be better moving forward, and to be patient with myself and move at my own pace.

Hey if you got this far into reading, wow you must have a lot of free time! /lh jdkdjdhdjdhd-

That or you’re just really interested in how I’ve been. I’ve been called mysterious, aloof and hard to read before so maybe you wanted to know what actually goes on upstairs lol.

But either way here’s a little something for reading I guess. The words in the vent art is actually lyrics and this was the song I was listening too when I was making it. Additionally if you’re feeling sad and need a song to listen to try this, it helps me process emotions. Either way if you happen to stumble on this, I hope you get something form this and that you have a nice day.

[tiniest-hands-in-all-the-land]

I felt like barfing out my thoughts

Hi, hello, long time no see. This isn’t really any sort of update or anything; like the title says, i just have some thoughts and i want to put them into words lol. And i’m putting it here instead of twitter cuz of the bigger word count fa;ewiofna;e

THIS IS A WHOLEASS JUMBLE OF WORDS THAT DON’T REALLY MEAN ANYTHING, SO FEEL FREE TO JUST SKIP PAST

Anyways, um... i feel like i’m kinda losing the thread on bnha. It doesn’t really have anything to do with how the story is going or anything (though i will admit my focus is stronger whenever there are major moments with aizawa and mic, which,,,, there haven’t been much lately fla;oewfnwai), but more to do with the fact that i’ve been here for 4 years straight, which is,, the longest time i’ve been in one fandom at a time??? i’m super impressed of myself by that, but also?? kinda burnt out and honestly kinda super lonely?

Since finishing my multichap, i’ve actually had a little time to try and catch up on fanart and fanfic i’ve missed, and,, i dunno. none of it’s really getting me; even content that has all the tropes and ships i’m super into hasn’t been really grabbing me. It’s nothing to do with the quality of said works; they’re all well-crafted. Idk i’m just not feeling as enthusiastic as i once did.

Not to mention like 95% of the people who were in the em fandom back when i first joined have all moved onto other fandoms, so a lot of the time it kinda just feels like i’m t-posing and screaming silently in a very big and empty room lol. And this isn’t meant to throw shade at anyone!! I genuinely hope all my mutuals are having the time of their lives with whatever series they devote their attention to. It’s just hard for me to keep being invested in a thing when everyone i know that was there with me have all moved on lol. And then also i feel like i lost a good 2/3s of my audience cuz of my extended hiatus, so that also puts a damper on things.

Ideally, I want to stay with bnha at least until the story concludes. But i’m not sure how long that’s gonna be, and how invested i can keep myself until that point. Right now my focus is being pulled in like 4 or 5 different directions: bnha, OC stuff, real life stuff, and a few other small interests i dabble in every now and again like botw. So it’s been uhhh... tough... to keep one stable thread going rn lol

Now that I’m graduating, I want to try and post more often, i’m just,,,, not sure what i would be posting. Again, ideally, I would love to get some spark for erasermic and rooftop squad stuff. But my brain has just been mush when it comes to coming up with any sort of art/story ideas lately. I don’t know what it is, but it feels like i just can’t come up with any sort of semi-to-fully fleshed out plot anymore. And not even just with fandom stuff, but with original stuff too. Over this past semester, I managed to come up with an original story and characters that i actually kinda like and want to pursue, but i just keep running into these blank spots that, no matter how hard i try, i can’t find a way to fill them in. I can’t bring myself to blame depression for my mental fog, just cuz in the past i was going through a bad depression bout, and that time ended up being the peak of my creativity, so idk what’s really going on with me right now f;aoweifn

I know a good portion of it is probably cuz i restrict how many stories i consume cuz i don’t like the threat of potentially jumping fandoms. I have a whole list of anime recommendations waiting for me and other shows/stories/whatnot that i’ve been passingly interested in, and i hesitate to watch any of them, cuz there’s always that chance i’ll get too invested. Unfortunately, i’m not one of those people who can have a bunch of hyperfixations lying dormant until someone speaks the magic words and suddenly i’m all about it again. The way my dumb brain works is that I have 1 Big interest and a few very small interests. The small interests are basically always there, and i can consume them quickly and briefly without ending up consumed by them. But once that 1 Big interest changes, it takes a lot of time and effort to try and keep up the enthusiasm for that previous Big interest, and often times, it doesn’t work out and i get to the point where i basically don’t want to see anything pertaining to that old Big interest anymore (if that makes,,,,,, any lick of sense at all omfg)

Idk. This is a whole mess and a half of words lol. Guess what i’m trying to lament is my inability to consume new media without fear of it taking over my brain af;oewina. I want to find new stories, I want to expand my horizons, but i always dread the possibility of jumping ship to a different fandom. And I know i know it’s a really stupid thing to be worried about, but idk. I invested a lot of time into bnha, a lot of which got lost when i went on my hiatus, and a part of me is just like “bro you’re not DONE here”, but like,,, brain no worky. And i’m not entirely sure what to do or how to feel lol

TL;DR:

- I’m getting kinda burnt out on bnha but i don’t really know whether to try and hold on or just let go; and if i let go, i don’t know what will happen lol

- i want to try and post more, but i’m not sure what i’ll be posting

- my brain is Big Stupid and it’s frustrating

[madfantasy]

Dearest Mani, you are always in my heart and prayers! You're incredibly talented as an artist and a writer (I think you could write a good autobiography, I find your writing both heartbreaking and fascinating), and so strong and persistent! I dreamed of becoming an artist as a kid, but wasn't allowed to study drawing, but when I became a teen nobody could prevent me from learning... but I was too hesitant... with too low self-esteem... so I never learned, alas. Be blessed, my darling!

Oh dear Bianca, thank you so much, bless your heart🫂💛

I always fear when I share about my life that I be a burden.. I have to apologise

I'm sorry you had that experience, I understand at times people think of art as not a rewarding path and maybe discourage people from it, but if its your dream, its yours and it is in you, and you're never late to start if the dream still dwells within the space of your pleased mild unconsciousness and the results shouldn't matter most of the time, the more you do it, the more it be obvious what you can and can't do, and what you want and don't want to do in the vast fields of art~

I honestly have never considered art as something I'd go with, I actually was a mathmatic wiz and enjoyed solving these equations like chewing on sour candy,  my mouth frothing at the thought of getting more... and wrestling, its still my second goal..

Art was something I did out of necessity; I wasn't allowed to express much, it was similar to the life style of military (the irony here is my last name means warrior, and alot of distant family were inrolled, including my guardians) it was a life line mechanism your body forcesyou to do, to breath.  I didn't think of it,  I didn't plan it, I didn't consider it Art, so I always feel because I didn't seek it as art or have sought to learn it properly or have in my possession a sealed certificate of learning it, i can't call myself an artist! (But that continuesly was proven wrong as I became more and more involved in it)

And the amount of resistance I got towards me drawing equalled me stubbornly drawing even more. It was as if I was involved in the dark arts, which it was to my family, my teachers, my peers— everyone. It was a reason for them to crush me, but it didn't crush the urge to draw non stop.

I remember as a kid they let me cuz its child's play, and was aware of all those adults saying to my guardians, oh Mani's art is amazing but you know what to do when they grow up. They beat the freak out of me every time they caught me doing it. So my choices became draw while they are asleep ( or my own sleep time under the covers) or at work. Second place is at school, I was taking every pause possibility to draw like I'm possessed to, while decently acing school. I mean I literally did my homework and everything at school so I don't have to do anything home but draw.

Inevitably I was found out at school, even tho I was and still a very quiet shy kid, and I try to hide my art anyway possible whilst drawing. Evey time the consequences were either of those two: utter humiliation, or a praise with guilt.

They praised me saying its amazing but I can't do that, and to please stop it. Or just being silently fascinated by it and taking it without telling me its good so they "won't encourage me"

The humiliation was me pointed out as what not to do to the whole class, and telling me I'm going to hell when I die and be forced to try and make those creations I made come to life, seeing that I could not, be tortured with alot of graphically disturbing description of fire and burns. First when I was 7 years old. I remember standing too in a line in front of the whole school at queue as the "shameful" students line, watching some of my peers cry and me just standing there just struggling not to laugh. Cuz idk

Other time peers snatching my art from me and running around with it and calling me names, and such, and it takes a bit more than rough housing by me to get it back. Often school calling home and getting my share of beating from there too.

I remember the biggest humiliation I got is by a freaking art teacher snatching my mouths stocked folder thanks to the stupidity of a peer I didn't even allow to share my art with leaving it wide open for the teacher to see. They took it, questioned my classmates as to how the frk nobody reported my art to the admin or whatever. And if they were okay with the horrors I make. They were heh.

But didn't stop the admin from basicly spreading that and assuming that i am crazy and need psychological help. Which made more hard beatings at home hearing that in the phone call they made.

I eventually fell out from school because of continuing decline financial situation and my mental stability. The cycle didn't end, guardians never stopped killing me over it, destroying my art, threatening, the whole work— till I got commissioned for the very first time. Like only few years ago. They let off seeing now it brings money..

Till this day they don't know what I draw thanks to switching digitally nd speaking English. Also they don't have the health to go around snooping in my stuff anymore right around the time too

The bottom line is, I don't know how everything just fell into place, into being an artist rather than it being a choice to make.. still carrying those shackles of always get those flashes of being hurt by it, regretting posting and drawing always and feeling its never good enough or not being something acceptable or sought-after. But on the flip side, it's the embodiment of freedom, it's the most accomplished, happy, fulfilled, humaaaaann I ever be while practising it.

What you love and will be will happen no matter what and how long...

I'm sorry for more sad dibble about my life..

I am happy today; I just wore like passes as a boy trouble maker here and my guardians were laughing and hyping me to go out on the streets and make some trouble. The exact intention hehe. And I wanted to share but can't do that publicly but posted on my ko-fi hehe

Leaving u with sev wip , and all my love 💛🌟

[tempural]

origins of tentaspy

Interview I conducted with Lakidaa (known as Engineer on the chan) about the origins of Tentaspy, and other old TF2chan stuff.  Interview conducted March 29th, 2020.  Content warning for discussions of Scout x Spy shipping (pre comics, no incest you sillies!) and racism on the chan.

If you were ever curious about where the Tentaspy meme came from, here ya go!  It’s also a nice lil documentation of some older fandom stuff, before it all moved to Tumblr (then combusted).

---

scumsuck: About Tentaspy.  I was on TF2chan in the pre-2009 days, and I recall it being part of a little mermaid AU?  With Scout as the little mermaid and Spy as Ursula?  Is my recollection true?

Lakidaa: Ah yes.  Yes!  I was Engineer [on TF2chan].  It was because we were on a kick of watching Disney movie songs in their native language & Beauty And The Beast is a French story.  

scumsuck: So Tentaspy started as a SpyScout thing, then it got into Teufort monster territory.

Lakidaa: Right.

scumsuck: When you say 'we were on a kick of watching disney', you mean you and other people on the chan?

Lakidaa: Yes! There was a steam chat we hung out in.

scumsuck: Do you remember who else was there on the disney movie thing?

Lakidaa: Uhhh me? Jones. Khorosho, the mod who was an Aussie, Dr.Tanner, oh! Yeah uhh Kilomonster.  Idk the exacts because it was 10 years ago.

scumsuck: The vagues are fine too!  10 years dang...

Lakidaa: A big problem was that the mod was Aussie and kinda oblivious to racism lmao.  It’s why I quit.

scumsuck: oh boy I remember a LOT of casual racism on the chan.  like the 'nickname' for demoman.

Lakidaa: Yyyyyeah. It’s why kilo bounced and why I eventually bounced.

scumsuck: bounced off the chan, or out the TF2 fandom in general?

Lakidaa: Both?  I was an actual administrator; I had full powers on the Chan itself.  And I got sick of Tanner’s racism and then Mog (that was her name)’s defense of it claiming the usual ‘oh we’re not Americans we do t Do that tee hee’ defending.  And it was the fandom.  This was before tumblr, really. I was doing LJrp at the time.  So if you weren’t posting on the chan there wasn’t really anywhere to get your fix.

scumsuck: I guess there were a lot of people sick of the racism back then, but the chan culture was too much.

Lakidaa: Yeah. We hadn’t realized that it didn’t have to be that way :V

scumsuck: I think I remember that the chan was made cuz everyone else on 4chan's /v/ was sick of the 'ironic' gay porn posting?

Lakidaa: Right.

scumsuck: So besides TF2chan , there wasn't the mass exodus to Tumblr yet.

Lakidaa: Because [LiveJournal] didn’t suck enough yet.

scumsuck: Curiously I don't remember that much of a TF2 community on LiveJournal.

Lakidaa: There wasn’t.

scumsuck: I remember ones for other shows like Metalocalypse and Venture Bros and so forth, but I guess TF2 never stuck on LJ.

Lakidaa: I was very LJ at the time.  Those shows were shows and like. I don’t think fandom had developed enough to take these characters which were, at the time, broad sketches, and do stuff with them.  All the meet-the videos weren’t out by then.

scumsuck: Now we can take vague-as-hell characters, like the ones from Overwatch, and mash em into something workable.  I wonder if the OW fandom could have thrived pre-tumblr.

Lakidaa: I don't think so. OW itself is the descendent of TF2’s character-based shooty.  I also admittedly have no fucking clue what’s up with the gator Sniper. (in reference to me asking if they knew the origins of Tentaspy's counterpart, the gator Sniper.) That was way later when I was in 40k

scumsuck: I love this stuff, and I'm trying to get together more memories of the chan and it's culture.   Do you remember Teratomarty?

Lakidaa: Yes!  And makani!  She famously did the administrator as a fan thing and got scooped by Valve.

scumsuck: Heck yeah!  Makani what a legend.  There were a lot of -isms and -phobias in TF2chan, as a part of the awful chan culture, but a lot of great art was made there too.

Lakidaa: Oh yeah.  I still have some documents too.

scumsuck: Oooh what sorts of documents?  I know the chan's been like... deleted and reformatted a couple times since I was on there so a lot was lost.

Lakidaa: Old fiction!

scumsuck: Do you recall who drew some of the first pieces of visual art for Tentaspy when it was created?  And who did the first fics?

Lakidaa: Me for fics lmao.  But for art I don’t remember.  There used to be a pictochat. (a site for multiple people to draw on the same canvas at once)

scumsuck: Do you still have your Tentaspy fics?

Lakidaa: Maybe!  I’m on phone and it’s all on the desktop lmao

scumsuck: They're important historical documents!

Lakidaa: Bro I read the post on tumblr about the 70s spirk fic in A&M University.

scumsuck: Ye Olde Yaoiz.  This stuff is honestly important!!!  I know I wouldn't have developed as an artist without all the slash I was reading back in my youth.

Lakidaa: Same.

scumsuck: Does Tentaspy predate 2010?

Lakidaa: I believe so.  Aha 2008 stuff.  I do have some [writing] that's Tentaspy, but it's chat; I'd have to find Jones and ask them if they're down

scumsuck: 12 years... Good timeframe though, that's when I was actively browsing the chan.

Lakidaa: It does have some nsfw on it which is double why I'm asking. This doesn't look like it's a chat chat tho it looks like our old DMs

scumsuck: Did Tentaspy originate as a NSFW concept from the getgo?

Lakidaa: For about 10 minutes it wasn't NSFW and was just us ragging about.

scumsuck: How do you feel about fanworks of tentaspy?  I'm working on a doujin of Tentaspy, and this is one of the reasons I wanted to contact whoever created the concept.  If I were to print comics of this concept you and your friends created, would they feel odd to you?

Lakidaa: Not really!  It's perfectly fine. It's a concept that's left my hands.  I'm not in TF2 anymore (Overwatch and 40k and my OCs honestly) so I'm like, 'at least someone's enjoying it'

scumsuck: Oh yeah, the fandom ghost that will never leave.

Lakidaa: yes :p

scumsuck: I haven't been into TF2 since like... 2009-2010, but I got back in the last couple years and have had a blast figuring out where the fandom went post-Tumblr.  I love this like.. metacontextual historical stuff

Lakidaa: Yeah! I'm glad someone's on it.

scumsuck: I think that's all I have to ask you for now, I'll wait and see if Jones responds!

Lakidaa: (._.)7

[selfcareparker]

okay fghsgdj yes you can say girl ! my pronouns are she/her :) okay but fr pause, i read this like 3 minutes after you posted it (or at least my notif said 3mins lmao) bUT IM IN BED AND I USUALLY HAVE MY COMPUTER OPEN WITH YOUR RESPONSE SO I MAKE SURE I ADDRESS EVERYTHING AND THEN SEND IN THE ASK ON MY PHONE HDGSJSH anyway, time to get my ass up 😔 but wait i find you so funny like honestly, reading that cracked me all the way up. and i feel the “lol” thing so hard!!!! idk why i do it all the time (i’m tryna stop) but i’ll say something with lol at the beginning and lol at the end... it might be a defense mechanism at this point lol (😔) AND (i need to stop with the uppercase too it’s not funny anymore) I DONT KNOW WHY I LAUGHED SO HARD JDHSK WHEN YOU SAID ALSO AGAIN HAHAHAH LIKE UR HAHHAH also my sleep schedule is not pretty either lmao but i’m homeschooled so i never have to get up for anything? hhdhsis idk but i’m glad you slept!! you need sleep!!

also (pls no i cannot) why did i not know what ykwim meant until i reread this?? like it makes so much sense- anyway! i think it’s so cool that you’re excited for university! idk why but i do lol like you’re getting ready for the future (masters degree and all that) & you’re (maybe) going to england anyway so that’s cool haha (hopefully when you go you can see your relatives 🤞🏾)

the fact that you get happy seeing my asks i- 💓💓

you make me wanna go to London & England so bad urghhhh like i’ve only been out of the country once (to Canada for a family reunion) but it sounds so prettyyyyy & i’m so sorry that cov*d is messing everything up and i hope you can see your relatives soon :(

now to address the whole english speaking/writing: I FIND THAT SO WEIRD DUHSKSJ i don’t know how an english speaking person could say that if you don’t write it 100% grammatically correct.... that it’s wrong? when literally, over here at least, WE’RE SO GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT HAHHAAH in both the way we talk and write!! and lol you’re welcome,, AND THE PARAGRAPH DID MAKE SENSE HDHSJSH & your rant is fine because... that is actually a bit ??? bc no one writes with 100% grammar lol

OH MY GOSH (see this uppercase thing is addictive) YOU STUDIED LATIN FOR 6 YEARS??? that’s really cool 🥺 the way that you know/speak 3+ languages i- NOT EVEN 3+ LIKE 6+ (german, english, latin, french, serbian, italian, and everything that comes with latin lmao) even if it’s just a tiny bit like wowee. it is really fascinating!!! i had the opportunity to take latin and i... didnt. i took art instead BUT ONLY CUZ MY FRIENDS WERE IN THAT CLASS AND ART LOOKED FUN IM SORRY

PLEASE WHY DO YOU KNOW EVERYONE?? that sounds so fricking cool tell your mom (mum or mama it’s really fine lol) that she sounds awesome. i think Jamaica would be fun either way!! i mean it looks pretty from pictures? i was a baby so i honestly have no recollection hahaha

LMAOO NOT U SAYING THIS IS LONGER THAN SOME OF MY FICS- PLEASE GIRL IM TELLING YOU I VERBALLY LAUGHED HAHAHAHAHAH but yea you really don’t need to apologize i like reading everything you say 🥺 HDKSHS AND UR FINE WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT ME BEFORE uhhh hmm uhh lemme think i, well, i saw chaos walking yesterday (big tom holland fan over here) and it was alright.. my mom acted a fool at all the jump scares LMAO but it was funny... since i’m talking about movies (this is hella random i know) but i like shark movies HDKJSSJ my favorite is the meg (it’s so good ohmigosh) and the 47 meters down movies aren’t bad either... i have two younger brothers... iiiii AM IN LOVE WITH MUSIC PHEW anddd i’m homeschooled (i think i mentioned that lol) i think that’s a good amount ahahaha AND IM HUNGRY RN JDHSJ

now. please. let me address the edit. i just want you to know that.. when i talk about your fics and i finish them and everything i’m not looking for more? like obviously if you’re writing i’m gonna read it but you don’t need to feel pressured or anything (idk if you do) to put more fics out lol like they’re great and i’m just sending the praise bc i love the ones that are there :’) but i’m so happy you’re working through your writers block!!! yay so so happy for you!!! and PUHLEASE anything you write is fantastic, i feel the exact same way when i write but girl. you’re fine. it’s gonna be great. (idk if this made any sense but... okay)

(and my cousin calls her mom mama so it’s really okay hahah i even call my mom mama sometimes) (and where you got the number “16 sentences” beats me but i still cracked up) (is this me pretending i had tags? maybe) HAHAHAHA OK BYE ❤️❤️ why did this take me so long to send i have no clue, AND WHY AM I OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING I SAID SHAJSHSJ ANYWAY BYE btw i love us too... like iconic // lovely anon 💓

me reading this:

also the dedication you put into sending me stuff— like with the laptop and phone and ahsksk 🥺🥺🥺

i’ll update you when i’ve started uni btw, i’m getting more and more excited every single day haha but i still have 3 weeks until it starts and even then I’ll obviously have to get used to it and everything, but you’re making me even more excited about it sksjshsg

yeah i wanna go to england too dkshsh let’s be sad together over the fact the we can’t travel eksjsh😔😭 but hopefully the wait will make it even better in the end <33 also i talk to loads of relatives over the phone at least once a week so it’s not too bad for me! but i miss their house 😭lmao

and i knowww snshsh so many native english speakers just make so many mistakes— and obviously i get that some things are slang but some things are simply wrong ajsh, the thing is no one has ever told me that my english is bad (i know it’s not bad anyway, but i’m still insecure) or no one has ever pointed out any mistakes, but yeah it’s mostly just insecurity dkshsg but yes thanks for saying what you said (previously as well as in this ask)😌🥰

Okay now for latin— girlll i don’t blame u for choosing art over latin esp. when all of your friends are doing art as well!! I’d choose art over latin as well lol skshsg but in year 6 we had to choose between latin and french, and at the time i didn’t like french? which was dumb of me and now i wanna learn french ekdhs but i don’t regret choosing latin at all bc if i properly learn french one day then i’ll already know understand loads of stuff (or at least some stuff lol) just thanks to latin 😌��� but still, art>>>latin skskshshgs

I wanna watch chaos walking too!!! But i don’t get when/where/how it’s out lmao, cinemas are still closed here so i’ll either have to wait or find it somewhere online... il*egally 🥰 i don’t have high expectations at all btw but i like daisy and tom and the dog🥺 so i think i’ll enjoy it

GIRL SHARK FILMS SHARK FOLMS SKSJSHSHS okay so there are a few classics i haven’t watched yet, and also a few new ones that i haven’t seen yet BUT I LOVE SHARK FILMS SO MUCH SKSHSGSGSKK the first like proper shark film i ever watched was the shallows (which i like but my brain is still too small to comprehend what happened at the end (i mean i get it but i just can’t imagine it— idek if you’ve seen the film but skshhs)) and after watching it three times it does get a bit boring (but now whenever i see pictures or videos of big waves i’m just waiting for a shark to show up like come ON SKSJSG

^^^that pic/scene really traumatised me sksjsh but i still like the film

I only watched jaws like a few months ago, and i get that it’s a classic and also that it’s old and they just didn’t have the best.. equipment or special effects or whatever but i mean... look at meg and then look at jaws.... no disrespect to jaws at ALL but the meg is so much cooler. (That one scene on the boat where the shark just JUMPS OUT OF THE WATER AND SKSJSHHSUSJHA i get such a shock every time it’s so good (and the dog aww aksjshssli 🥺🥺🥰 and the boy with the ice cream lmao he’s iconic)

47 metres down, wow, i liked that film too. (i’ve only watched the original/first one i think) i mean that is such a fucking nightmare scenario like ALSJDHSNEMSKDJSHSJSKWBALSODUEWBSLDKHDJSNSKSKSHSGEBWKAISGSHEKEKSKLDJDJDHDHSHAGGA (that’s the best way i can express my feelings about that scenario lmao)

oh and i’ve recently been watching more horror films but i don’t know if they’re for me... I like the thrill and whatever but i just end up being scared for my life when i have to go to the bathroom at night or when i’m trying to sleep bc suddenly my mind is flooded with all the scary shit from the films 💀💀💀

and music i mean... you know those people who just don’t listen to music? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM???? i honestly like all genres especially in the last year, i am IN LOVE with Nicki Minaj + Megan andddd Stormzy and i like Harry Styles but i prefer his first solo album (and obviously one direction has bangers i have a throwback 1D session at least once a month), I also love MGK especially his new stuff and otherwise i mostly listen to german artists lmao. So who do you like?💖 (WHY DO I FEEL LIKE YOURE GONNA SAY SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SKAHAGUS IF YOU LISTEN TO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MUSIC DONT JUDGE ME AJSHDJS) (i know you’re not gonna judge me but)

++ @ the thing you said about writing, don’t worry, i don’t feel pressured at all!!! (not by you and not by anybody else.. except myself sometimes lol) and i’m just very happy that you liked my fics 🥰🥰🥰 and if i start telling people that i’m writing a fic then sometimes it puts a bit of (healthy) pressure on me. like yes sometimes it really is writer’s block, but sometimes i really am just lazy ddkshhd so now that i’ve told you i’m writing a fic i might get my ass up quicker than i would if i hadn’t told anyone 😌😌😌

[dannydouni]

I got tagged by @faceless-dude for smth. And like. All I want to say is that you so much. Cuz I’ve had this sitting in my drafts for months and I didn’t know when would be a good time to post it. Or like update it or like just when I should do anything with it. So yeah. Thank you so much for helping me get the chance to post this :)))

“I’ve had this in my drafts for some time now probably since the Canadian thanksgiving and like only touched on it a few times, and well I never got to post it cuz I got well uuuhhh... shy I guess and at that time a lot of things were going down and stuff. And because of that I just felt like it had no meaning whatsoever anymore. So I thought I’d edit it a bit so it fits better and so I can finally post it and stuff.... sometimes it’s nice to get something out there after having it written down for so long. And well what better time to post it than now XD on New Years!. Anyways here it goes”

Hey guys, friends especially, ITS A NEW YEAR!!!!!! I just wanted to pop in and say that...well...thank you. And while I don’t really mean this directly to anyone so far (details for ppl that I know on this app will be written later on in this post). I know it’s usually super cheesy and just cringe and stuff but I honestly couldn’t care less about that stuff when it comes to the people close to me and to the people I love and care about. So I would like to take this opportunity to thank y’all. First and foremost. What the actual fuck guys. Why lmao. Out of everyone in this world you bunch picked the weirdest, ugliest and just straight up stupidest dude out there to be friends with XD, y’all do know there was much better than this out there right XD. I legit have no competition since I’m just so bad LOL. But still, for some reason, with all the shit I just listed y’all still decided it was a good idea to be friends with me. Y’all still decided it would be a great idea to stick with me up until now. Y’all still decided that I could belong with other people that I could fit it with you guys. That I could.... have genuine, real and just straight up amazing friends. I have absolutely no fucking clue how this turn of events happened. But I can say this with full certainty. You guys have changed my life. You guys are probably the main reason I’m still kicking around to this day lol. You guys are the reason I keep going and keep living and just keep enjoying the tiny gifts that life has to offer sometimes instead of pain XD. I still don’t and probably will never understand why or how god or life decided to be nice to me the few times I met one of you but I’m honestly so eternally grateful that I just... I have no words almost.... I just don’t know what to say sometimes. It’s honestly so out of this world how amazing and nice some of you are even tho I’m like the complete trash of this world XD. In all honesty.... without you guys I’d probably not even be here lmao... I’d probably would’ve just went on with my life with nothing to wish or hope for other than for the next day to pass even quicker than the last.... or just for days to just over as soon as they start... I won’t say more cuz that’s shit is personal and I’m not about to write that in public 😎. But like I know for sure that without you guys. I would not be here right now. So thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for all the memories you’ve given me, the countless nights you’ve made me die of laughter, The countless times you’ve made me choke and almost die from how funny something would be, the countless times you’ve made me think “damn I don’t ever want to wake up from this dream if this is not real”. Just thank you, for talking to me, for letting me vent, for letting me be there for you when you were there for me, for being my rock to lean on, for helping me go through the toughest of times like if it was a normal day. Thank you guys so much for treating me like an equal, for being friends with me, for playing with me, for inspiring me, for teaching me new things and helping me with anything I could ever ask for. Thank you guys so much, and while words will never be able to fully explain what I fully mean or what I fully feel. But I hope that this at least will give you an idea of how greatfull I am for you guys... i hope this will show you how thankful I am for you guys. I love you guys so much that the word love just can’t even express how much you guys truly mean to me. You guys have changed my life for the better and even tho I will probably never be able to repay that I’m hoping that I can do something to at least return how much y’all have done for me. And even tho a lot of the people I mean by this message are not on Tumblr I have a few that are and it is for that reason that I will thank you and write something for you guys here too. So here is the part for the specific people.

@frogb, Genny :)

Genny :D

GENNYYYYY >:D

Good God..... how are you even real XD well to start off, a quick intro :).... probably my only irl friend that is actually active on this app and of course MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER IN THE WORLD AND THE #1 PERSON IN MY LIFE >:), I want to take this opportunity to just thank you again (I know I’ve said a a bunch of times and you probably hate me for saying it a lot XD, that along with sorry :(((( I can’t really control that Lmao but I’m getting better at it right :D). You....you’re my best friend :)... you have changed my life for the better way too many times cuz. I’ve honestly lost count dude. I’ve lost count. I just want you to know that even tho I said that the first thing I wrote on this post was meant for a bunch of people. I was really mainly thinking about you when I wrote it. Ever since you’ve been part of my life. You have made sure to change it completely. And only for the good and for the better. I don’t think you have a genuine idea of how much you’ve changed my life and how much you’ve made me happy :)... thank you Genny thank you so much for being the best thing to ever happen to me. Genny you truly are the best most amazing, kindest, nicest, loveliest, most wonderful, most talented person I’ve ever met. Look I won’t write my full thing here since...well I’ll say the rest to you directly. But well .. Genny... I love you... I love you so fucking much alright :D thank you for being the highlight of my life. Thank you for being you Genny and thank you for being here for me and just being my best friend in the world :)

@ritsu-in-a-maid-dress , heyyy duuuudee buddy chum buddy pal XD (don’t ask lmao), I know we like met only a few weeks ago actually idk maybe at the point when I actually decide to post this it’ll be months or like a year 😳 (and if it is HOLY SHIT WTF I HOPE I ACTUALLY TOLD YOU SOMETHING IN THAT TIME CUZ DAMN) and well so far, you have been nothing but an amazing, way too nice, handsome friend that has somehow probably one of the sweetest hearts out there. You’re actually so fucking funny and have made my day much better sometimes just from the very few talked we’ve had lmao (correction now it’s actually been quite a few 😳and honestly they’re getting to much better and funnier so thank you so much for making me laugh :D (oh and I will never forget that one call we had for 3 FUCKING HOURS DUDE!!!! THAT WAS AWSOME!!!) ) and while at first I was very shy to even talk to you. I’m happy that I can comfortably say hi without any regrets or anything lmao. I will tell you something I’m very thankful for in dm too cuz it’s kinda private :) so yeah.... thank you so much for being you and being my friend :D

@quellfy yoooooo duuuudde I don’t think we’ve ever really interacted on here but I’ve talked to you on the server and well I can know from there that. You’re just such an amazing and kind person. And that every time we talk I have a great time :)) I don’t know a lot about you but I do know that you’re an amazing artist who has amazing art (yes even when it’s not sad “pointing at alluka in snow drawing” amazing) and that you’re such a kind and I nice human being who’s been just super nice and good to me :)) so thank you. For being my friend and for being such an amazing human being :D

@faceless-dude yooooo I don’t think we’ve properly talked before but like :))) I really think you’re an amazing person and just super talented. Your art is something I’ve never seen before and I really really think it’s unique and just amazing. Thank you for your wonderful wishes. And yeah dw. I plan on keeping that promise >:) Gen will get her booties kicked just like you asked XD

@kur-upira we probably only interacted a few times. But in those few times. I could tell what kind of person you are and how much of an amazing person you are :D. I can tell you that just from those few times. I was able to see how much of a beautiful, talented (yes holy shit. I cannot stress this enough. I love your artstyle and good god it’s so good everything from the actual drawings to the shading to the colouring. It’s amazing dude. I really mean that. It’s one of the most unique and most beautiful artstyles I’ve ever seen), friendly and just amazing human being you are :))) thank you for those few interaction (which probably took me whole days to respond to because of anxiety and bs XD sorry about that lmao) and yeah. I would absolutely love to get to know you better and to interact more with each other :D

@starrynarwhale, I know we like pretty much only interacted like twice with each other but from those few times. I knew that you were a wonderful person :) not just an amazing person. But a very talented one too :D (your art is amazing dude. It’s really great. Not only that but like. Can I just say that. Your frog gon fridays are godly dude. They’re always so fucking cool and wholesome 🥺🥺I love them so much. Amazing) you seem like a very kind and amazing person so yeah :)) I’d love to get to know you better :D

@catboyyouko yooooo. I know we probably have only interacted once but let me tell you dude. You’re a wonderful, amazing, nice, kind and extremely talented human being. (Dude you don’t understand. Your art is fucking amazing. Not only that but your comics are so goddamn great too. Not just in an art way but in a story way too. It’s just always so amazing) oh and also like... I see that you vent a lot and stuff and just wanted to let you know that if you ever needed someone to talk to or vent to. I’m here for you. I feel like you’re such an amazing person and I would love to get to know you better :) so yeah. If you ever need anyone to talk to. I’m here alright :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE. I LOVE YOU ALL SO FUCKING MUCH

And if I didn’t @ you I promise It’s just cuz I’m too scared to bother you and @ Ing this many ppl has already made my anxiety skyrocket.

[therodrigator6]

Well, hello there fellers.

You can ignore this text post if you want, it comes straight from me, completely outside of Drawings or Proyect updates.

I just really felt as though I needed to take the time to write up my thoughts into a, very possibly, LOOOOOOOOOOOONG post, since I have a LOT on my head right about now.

So, my melancholy, rather depressing, but perhaps amusing, musings, under the cut.

Right, so my whole string of thought was sort of just... proppeled out of me reminiscing about the past... 2 years, maybe year and a half.

I got thinking hard about She-Ra again, LMAO. and I know, I KNOW, why am I even thinking about that damned show again.

BUT, I was really thinking hard about how much I went through, positively I mean, how much growth I had (Around my art and my vocation obviously) with She-Ra.

And really, if you were to scour through my blog, if you went back all the way to... maybe it was late 2018, early 2019, when I posted my first fanarts around She-Ra, you’ll see how far back I was, skill-wise. I mean I wasn’t exactly a beginner, but I weren’t no Grade A artist neither.

And PRIOR to all of that I had more or less drawn fanart intermitently.

Anyone who followed me back when I made RWBY stuff, specifically Whiterose fanart could attest to that. I wasn’t consistent at all, and I experimented more often than not with every single drawing I was making. And don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed drawing stuff for RWBY, I sort of miss it now LMAO.

But I can certainly see just HOW POWERFULLY drawn I was to She-Ra, because my output of content and the growth of my skill as an artist was EXPONENTIAL. I suppose in a way I owe it really to MY sudden... obsession? Fixation? on that show.

VERY HONESTLY, at this point in time, I feel like I could REALLY speak on what things drew me to She-Ra, and precisely what things KEPT me there. IDK I think it used to be a very special little show.

On one hand? I really had just decided to watch it because I was starting to fall out of love with RWBY.

RWBY WAS a show I’d also loved, and which also meant a lot to me, but the things that MEANT a lot to me, were just not given the story I would’ve been interested in. That AND the small fandom space I’d carved out for myself was getting even smaller. Smaller AND very... toxic? Uncomfortable? I felt as though... my efforts and my involvement in that fandom were neither welcome nor appreciated at one point, let alone the fact that on the SHIPPING side of things, it stopped being fun.

So there I was, starting She-Ra up. I’d known about it for some time before, and I’d *Heard* that it was a fun good show, and most specially... *With an active, HUNGRY fandom, raging about a very popular Ship*. So I thought to myself, YAY, I’ll watch this show and I’m REALLY gonna do my best to go for everything popular.

I was tired of unwelcoming fandoms, tired of enjoying the very little measly, *Unpopular* things about shows, this was all about having a GOOD time. And maybe finally getting my works out, really finding a motivation to create stuff.

I mean in hindsight, now I know I fucked myself over MANY times.

You see because, as soon as I started watching She-Ra, I TRIED to do something different about the way I consumed shows.

In the past I used to be VERY ship-centered about my show experiences, to the point were FANON-Ship-centric relationships with shows would make the stories I was watching really boring and bleak in comparison. I had been afraid at the time, that THIS would also ruin She-Ra for me. So I really thought about... NOT tainting my vision and perception of the show with... Fandom stuff, Fanon or Ship-centric views, NOT EVEN CREATOR INTERACTIONS. I really tried to watch it blind and enjoy it for what it was.

Fool I was, I should’ve done the opposite.

It’s a tired old story, and a really redundant thing for ME to talk about. But I really felt a DEEP disappointment with She-Ra. Akin to LOSS almost.

Cuz you see, for a year and a half I ended up CENTERING myself on She-Ra, on more than one level.

On one hand, I TRULY believed She-Ra was a show with a story that I loved, there were plenty of characters that REALLY spoke to me. Characters like Glimmer? for example? And her storyline? for me are *one in a million*.

Of course I’m... REALLY compacting my She-Ra experience. I had come to appreciate MANY things about it. It’s world, it’s story, the characters, the comedy, the animation, the people who loved it and grew because of it, etc.

Furthermore, once my initial *doubt* about the show had passed, I really immersed myself in the fandom side of things. And I gotta say, I really enjoyed it for as long as it lasted. I think I experienced a new level of feeling like I *belonged* in a community, and a feeling that people LIKED what I did for it, and that people wanted MORE of ME in it.

Alongside that, and going back to animation. Geez, She-Ra came at the best *or worst* (depends on how you wanna look at it in hindsight now, LMAO), time of my life.

Literally on the verge of me finishing up with Prepschool and having to chose a career for University.

Prior to She-Ra, I really was trying to pinpoint my vocation, and animation had been in my mind for a LONG time, since Steven Universe really.

AND... Idk, AGAIN, THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT SHE-RA... which told me... “This is important”. Animation is important, being able to tell tales for people is important. Telling tales for people who need it, or people who don’t often get to tell tales is important. This medium is BEAUTIFUL, I MEAN, LOOK AT EVERYTHING IT CAN SPAWN OUT OF PEOPLE.

So it helped me make THAT decision.

Also alongside these things well... I go back to all of that about “Belonging”, and “community”.

Boy I met some of the most amazing friends I ever have in my life. People whom I respect, people who I admire, people who thought like me, liked ME, enjoyed this show, etc.

OF COURSE, at the time, and I really should’ve known better. We met out of our mutual LOVE for Glimmadora, LMAO.

ME? FALLING IN LOVE WITH AN UNPOPULAR SHIP? Who’da thought.

AND I DID SO, *DAMN NEAR DIVORCED FROM FANDOM* LMAOOOOO, you can see how my “I’ll learn to love whichever aspects of this show I’m *gonna* love, outside of fandom influence” policy really just fucked me in the ass.

AND GOD, DID I *LET IT* BE A PART OF ME.

That comunity, those friends, that ship, that show, those creators. It was all I thought about, and it DROVE me. so much so I put up with so much shit from my University. I put up with so many bad things in my life that were going on because of that show.

And I see now that many of those friends I mentioned did too. GOD, how I wish... we just hadn’t.

I think... for most of us things had already been pretty shit, not gonna lie.

There was the pandemic, for a start. Prior to May the 15th I had an uncle of mine die of COVID, which shook me to *my* core, but dear old She-Ra and the Glimmadora fandom gang were there to cheer me on. (This was around the time really horrid people in the She-Ra fandom, whom LOATHED Glimmadora with a passion were making “Glimmadora shippers must have Covid, since a symptom of Covid is a lack of taste” Jokes btw.)

And I think of my friends also, who have always spoken to me about their problems and their lives. For all accounts I think, they’d always had it harder than me, and they found themselves a WILL and a DRIVE to go on... through this, through She-Ra, and our friendship.

Then May the 15th came and it’s all been going downhill from there HSEBRGJKSEHRBGKJSERHGBJK.

I mean... I understand NOW, just how DAMAGING for myself it was to... cling so much to that show, to all of it. NEVER should’ve connected the drive of my vocation to it.

Cuz yanno... even if I HAVE continued to grow and get better the past few months, some things haven’t changed for the better.

For instance, I basically LOST my entire space here, in fandoms, in ejoying shows. I LITERALLY ONLY CREATE NOW... Either out of spite, or for my friends.

There is a VERY DEEP loathing now within me about stuff like... Catradora for example. I hate it, it makes me feel disgusting, simple as that. And THAT kind of feeling isn’t welcome here, also simple as that. So I’m out of a space and that hurts.

PFFT, basically all the pieces I produce now, which I still do with a She-Ra theme. Nobody’s gonna wanna consume MY content anymore, and they don’t. I made sure they couldn’t because I knew, I wasn’t going to be able to stomache this She-Ra fandom anymore.

That’s been another thing too. I don’t like being a contrarian, I don’t like being the guy who thinks the thing everybody loves is bad or wrong, and if I could SO HELP ME GOD, I’d change my entire view of it all. I don’t really care about being right or wrong anymore, I just want that peace of mind back.

HELL, there were people I knew since 2016 almost, who kinda just told me...

Shut the fuck up or leave.

On some cases I shut my mouth, on others I just left.

And yanno... I do feel miserable about it. But it also makes it all the harder when I think of my friends?

GOD DAMN, EVERYTHING THAT *COULD* GO WRONG, WENT WRONG FOR THEM.

ALWAYS, for all of my friends. And even through the hurt, I sit here and think, well I think I still have hope! I think I still have a drive to go on and persue animation  and tell good stories.

But I understand now... that *I* have a priviledge over my friends. The priviledge of support. I’m not REALLY alone, there’s people helping ME.

My friends don’t have that, and I can’t give them that, how I wish I could.

And it does just HURT only being able to tell my friends, “HEY! Have hope things’ll be better!” And then we all turn to the only beacons of hope we shared, and seeing them all dull and out of light. No Glimmer of hope.

Like, how do you tell people to hold out, to keep fighting, to keep trying to STILL CHASE THEIR DREAMS... When you can’t even help them keep their heads high when they’re trying yo get a damned job. When no matter how much THEY try they keep getting knocked down.

When there’s no longer a space were they feel confortable sharing their creations, because everyone they had ONCE tried to please with them? suddenly decided they were of no value.

So here we are.

I’m starting up a new semester in a couple of days, hopefully building myself up more to chase MY dreams... whilst all my friends suffer and can’t chase theirs.

Shit’s fucked. I wish I could do more.

PFFT, I guess, long story short:

Life unfair, Me Sad.

Me Angery, Me Bitter

Me Lost, They Won

Boohoo I guess.

SO ANYWAYS... I really just... needed to put these thoughts out in words. Scream to the void as it were.

I can’t wait to go back into discord or twitter or tumblr and see how my friends can’t catch a fucking break.

And how things will continue to get worse before they get better.

God I hope they get better, for all of us, if not atleast for them. They’ve already gone through enough.

[mieczyhale]

a messy explanation of things and unnecessary information about life lately

soooo... right. i’m sorry i haven’t really been around aside from popping in here and there, and that i’ve been taking longer than usual to reply to things / not replying to things at all. it’s NOT that i’m upset with anyone or trying to ignore / avoid anyone, and it’s not that i don’t care / don’t love talking to you (whomstever you may be) i love chatting with y’all and wish i could get myself to reply to things quicker but i do not control the me lmfao honestly my sleep has never had a schedule but in recent weeks it’s kinda been operating like there’s a lil gremlin in my head who spins a wheel and picks my sleeping times at random - and it’s either like.. two hours or most of a day. there hasn’t been a lot of in between so that’s a thing!!

also in a fun added mix of maybe sleep?, missing meds, being stuck in the house more often than not, and the FUCKING EVERYTHING happening in the world right now my mental health is... probably run by the same goblin that runs my sleep schedule lmao consistency whomst?? since the lockdown started the depression has of course been around more but actually, worse than that, is how my anxiety - and by extension: my ocd - have really amped up and i need y’all to know that the struggle is painfully real (and another thing that affects shit like my replies and writing. reading as well. fics have been kinda stressful and that should be illegal. who authorized this?) i don’t hate talking about it but i don’t really like it either?? especially like.. in depth. but i will say there has been crying, screaming, pain!, and i’ve acquired a few physical injuries.

so

yeah

on a personal level - a ‘just me’ level - shit is an even bigger mess than usual lmao but all these things will get better eventually - they always do. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOW

ON A PERSONAL LEVEL - THE FULL LEVEL - THINGS.... are pretty great actually! i mean aside from the state of my fucking house e__e but Josh has been working from home for two (2) months now and it’s been really nice - people complaining about their partners being home?? can’t relate. yknow what?? i just might love that tall bastard even more from all this.fuck all y’all miserable fucks

we’ve been going out for drives and we’ve gone fishing and the only place i’ve gone too that’s re-opened is goodwill. because i require.. the shop. they do have a masks required rule! (at least at the one here) and, alongside that, the places we’ve gone that never closed (like grocery stores and the gas station and the hardware store) have social distancing rules and stuff in place which i love. can we keep social distancing after this is all over?? more things here in wisconsin are opening up and we might go to some. idk though. we also might not. either way its still a weird kind of exciting to see things opening back up?? even though i do think we’re not totally in the clear because most of our gov. sucks (our mayor tried to extend our stay-at-home order - keyword there is TRIED. we are the land of cheese, cows, and no fucking braincells for anyone) 

having pets is obviously not a new thing for me but it’s still a thing. so it takes time and effort and energy and patience and love and a certain disregard for your own safety (claws. they really be as sharp as you think) so... it can be stressful, especially cuz we’ve had to keep them inside more as it gets hot out and something keeps breaking our porch screens (our cats are allowed onto our screened in porch or they can go out in a harness but we will never let them run free outside. fuck that noise)  my bbies are all so cute and their personalities and idiosyncrasies are just... *chefs kiss* i love em and they’re definitely a part of what has made quarantine better

i’ve seen my mom a few times, like for my birthday and when she needed help moving Isaiah from one dorm to another and such, but that’s primarily been an option because she has become anti-mask and anti-stay-at-home-order. initially she wasn’t - she gave Isaiah and i fun lil masks since at that time trying to buy them would be impossible and she thought nothing of staying home - but i guess either as its dragged on or as she’s consumed her middle-right wing news that changed s o. she does take social distancing in public very seriously though, so at least there’s that. our favorite coffee shop, where we - pre-lockdown - always went one (1) or two (2) times a week to do art for hours re-opens on monday and that’s one of the few things i’ve truly missed.

josh’s camping trip for this weekend with his friends had to be cancelled because the parks weren’t going to open in time. so today they’re going somewhere to do at least some of the things they would have done if they had gone camping. bikes, bonfires, and cigars. i’m kinda jealous negl but he was really excited about it so mostly i’m happy

trying to figure out how human services was running things during lockdown was rough but thankfully it didn’t take much to get it sorted. mostly because my mom made the phone call i was supposed to lol (the phone anxiety is on its own level) so wednesday afternoon my mom sat with me while i had the appointment with my psychiatrist over speakerphone (which was.. an experience)

ummm.....

OH YEAH! Probably absolutely my favorite thing that’s happened is: WE’RE STARTING THE SEARCH FOR A NEW HOUSE!!!! it doesn’t mean we’re gonna be moving soon or anything, we don’t want to make the same mistake twice (buying the first house you tour that you love) because while it is a great house ultimately it is way too small for us. i mean there’s me and josh, all six cats, and ALL OUR SHIT. listen: i have an entire room dedicated to my various hobbies. and a walk in closet that isn’t big enough. and we both have collections we love and want to display (right now upstairs its hello kitty and downstairs its astronomy and the titanic. and then there’s pop figures, mtg, collectibles, our bottle collection and various knickknacks, etc.) plus all our books! then furniture and cat furniture (i.e towers) and all their shit because they are spoiled babies. and god forbid we ever have a human kid?? yeah. it’s just not big enough. 

so we’re gonna take more time with this choice but what we do know is:: we wanna live out in the country (i’m paranoid and don’t like to be looked at and he loves the outdoors, lived on a farm for awhile. i also enjoy the outdoors but mostly since we moved into this house i’ve struggled with doing anything outside... while we only have one neighbor on our road. but there’s one across the road and one at the other side of our backyard and that’s just too much lol) 

lets see.. um.... my birthday was may 2nd and that was pretty nice, for a pandemic birthday. there’s been a lot of stuff happening involving josh’s family but that’s not something i really wanna get into on here, tho i will say things have been better in recent weeks and it’s been... really nice. josh and i went to his mom’s house the other night and got drunk with her for fun and i actually had a really good time?? and didn’t complain about going?? that’s kinda unheard of.

i don’t have a job anymore - haven’t since early march-ish - and it kinda sucks but also the universe really did me a solid because my choices were either allow myself to work until i have a mental break again or quit. and i was leaning towards quitting (things had been going down hill with the owner and other employees and just the business as a whole for awhile and there’s a limit to the amount of bullshit i can take thanks) but now it doesn’t seem i have to. why do i think i’m jobless? i was barely working anyway, bc of the snow business was slow, and in march i got really sick and stayed home for a week. the day i was supposed to go back i was still sick, and covid19 was starting to become more of a serious situation everywhere, so josh called in for me and explained that between still being sick and my anxiety over covid (asthma + a not so great immune system) i wasn’t going in that day. i never heard from them again. so. 

but it’s all good - there are some options but i’m not looking into them seriously until it’s safe to.

SO

THAT’S ALL OF FUCKING THAT ON THAT

i felt it wouldn’t be a bad idea to come on here and explain A. what’s been going on and B. where i’ve been and C. that if i haven’t responded to you or acknowledged something you sent me / tagged me in it’s literally just because i either forgot to (for all reasons and none) or i don’t have the mental space / energy to. but that doesn’t mean you have to stop talking to me! even if i don’t respond or respond immediately i do read everything and i would die for any one of you fuckers (especially my clowns and the tom hardy movie) 

oh! and just btw - sometimes i don’t get notifications (quelle surprise) tumblr and skype should really pair up and talk about their truly great systems that function so well /s 8| ANYWAY: the best and most reliable ways to get my attention are twitter ( @/mieczyhale) and discord (same name) because i have yet to see their notifications fail. ahem.

i feel like i’m missing things / forgetting things but honestly this post is long enough and also enough of a rambley mess that i’m just gonna try and ignore that feeling and carry on with my goddamn day so i might actually accomplish something. sorry if there’s spelling off or missing words. i’m not taking the time to re-read this and might even delete it bc it’s already giving me anxiety bUT WE’LL SEE ALRIGHT HI AND BYE I LOVE YOU GUYS <3

[izzy-b-hands]

Tagged by @skylinepigeon​, thank you!!

What do you prefer to be called, name-wise? Lee

When is your birthday? August 26th

Where do you live? North Dakota, USA

Three things you are doing right now? Panicking over my financial situation, wishing I had something in the house I wanted to eat, and thinking about if I want to watch a movie alone tonight since Mum is spending the weekend with her BF.

Four fandoms that have piqued your interest right now? The Pacific, Rocketman, Queen, and idk what else to list there lol. Not sure if you can consider my interest in like, Elton John and then the individual members of Queen too as separate fandoms. Still into Metalocalypse even though I don’t post about it as often. 

How’s the pandemic treating you? Everyone here is acting as if it’s all over and make fun of me for wearing a mask so...great lmao. 

A song you can’t stop listening to right now? “A Change is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke

Recommend a movie?The Two Killings of Sam Cooke or Da 5 Bloods

How old are you? 25

School, university, occupation, other? I have a Bachelors in English and work full time at a local eye clinic as a switchboard operator.

Do you prefer hot or cold? Cold.

Name one thing others may not know about you? I used to be really into photography, to the point that I wanted to make it a career. But no one really cared about my pictures and dissuaded me that it “wouldn’t make any money, stick with writing” (yeah cuz that makes so much more fuckin’ money lmao.) 

Do you have any preferred pronouns? He/him and they/them

Any pet peeves? People who don’t wash their hands after throwing something away and having to like, crush the garbage down to make more room, and then proceed to make food and touch communal things (gonna casually @ my mother on this one lmao.) Like, maybe it isn’t the dirtiest thing ever, but to me with my phobia of trash in general, it’s gross as fuck and makes me not trust anyone who does that to wash their hands any other time they should. Why the fuck would you wanna NOT wash your hands after being in the trash? is what I would like to ask everyone who does this particular pet peeve. 

What are your hobbies? Reading, writing (though I’m trying to make that a career), movies, music, occasionally art, language learning, and instrument learning (working on the guitar and piano at present.) 

Rate your life on a scale of 1-10, 1 to being the worst and 10 being the best? 4

What’s your main blog? This is my main blog lol. I do (try) and manage a side Queen blog that a friend created who has since deleted their main blog and isn’t on Tumblr anymore, but I feel bad that I don’t really have time to even fill up the queue for it often, they were really doing the majority of keeping it updated before they left. I also have my writing side blog, but I never have time to update that either really. 

List your side blogs and what they’re used for. The Queen side blog is @the-fairyking, and my writing sideblog is @leehwrites

Is there anything people need to know about you before they become friends with you? I try really hard, and I honestly just want to make others happy as a thanks for them being in my life. My therapist says that means I don’t expect enough from others in friendships, but idk. I’ve spent most of my life with no friends at all, so I’m just grateful when anyone wants to be my friend, and I feel like I should try and show that appreciation by talking to them when I can, and writing things for them if they want. 

[aharris00britney]

ASKS 08

rip it’s a lot of stuff, some good, some weird….

Anonymous said: do you like eating ass? I bet your booty is thicc and juicy :)

idk who would even send this but ummm I’m a bottom so yeah.. that answers that wedhfnsh have u nice day/night <3

@thesimpley2k​  said: your cc is so beautiful! and you’re a britney stan :) ily sis

thank youuuuu omg ily2 lmao I don’t voice my Britney stanness much but once B10 starts getting more hyped up I’ll be back up there! Thank you again and rip original make me MV

Anonymous said: Oof I need all of your wip hairs right now            

oof you haven’t even seen half of them sweetie ;) I have 10 wip hairs as of now so like… you’ve seen 4 on this blog through edits/playlists. the rest are on my patreon and some go on my wips section in my discord (omg shameless plug im sorry but its true)

Anonymous said: Can we gift you packs through origin?

if u want?? idrk how that works tbh ;-; if u did tho like rsdfgfbvc thank you!!! I prob will only buy packs that I can use for cc from now on tbh ;-; my computer is at that point where i need to be really picky about stuff, plus imo they arent worth it wedfgdbfn i regret buying most of the SP’s

Anonymous said: Are you posting a shorter version of the Zoey Hair as shown in your latest post because it looks amazing?!!!!!

thank you!!! That is basically what the idea of it is lmao, but I think im gonna make an accessory hair clip for it too. Not 100% sure yet tho

@agentwashsims​ said: Crying over the wip hair and the grimes reference! Okay you’re still perfect and ily that it all okay bye. 

aaah thank you! grimes is so good omg Art Angels is my favorite album but there are a lot of ongs on Visions I like as well. I like a little bit of Halfaxa toooooo

Anonymous said: Hi, would it be possible for you to just reupload the lydia hair post? As it’s marked as sensitive content, I can’t see the picture and I’d really like to be able to have a look at it before I download it.

Hi! I emailed tumblr support about it since it has been over a month since it has been up for review. Hopefully they get it worked out soon <3 there is a picture of it on my download page if you want to look at it there

Anonymous said: Hey, how do I do Patreon? I want to but i’m new to all those things of Patreon cause now I want lots of hairs that need it, and I wanna learn how can I Patreon you!

Hello! Hopefully you see this haha. Patreon is sort of like Netlfix in it is a monthly charge for goods. To get 3 cc hairs early each month, it is a $1 pledge. Higher pledges get better rewards(such as watching me work on cc, getting to vote on hair releases, and more). I think that Patreon is a great way to help support creators as long as they do it right (no exclusive CC). I really hope this helps you and thank you so much if you decide to pledge any ammount <3

Anonymous said: When are going to upload your maxis match hairlines? Like in a post

oml I am horrible lmao I deleted them and don’t seem to have them backed up, but I will maybe make more in the future?? I honestly don’t find them that usable on most hairs but everybody is different so we will see <3

Anonymous said: Is the black braided hair on your April Playlist a WIP? If not WCIF it cuz it’s gorgeous <333 Ily.

issa wip for Juneee

Anonymous said: how old are you?

18 d2f m4m

Anonymous said: What is your Origin ID?

spotharris

Anonymous said: Hey! I 🖤 ur content btw and I wanted to just like clarify something. Ur posts say u can recollect but don’t include the mesh. What does that mean exactly??? Do people still need the mesh for the recollections to show up in game?? Sorry if this is really dumb, I’m a new simblr. Thx!            

hey!! sorry for the super late reply omg, welcome to simblr!! it is kinda crazy here but hopefully u can find ur peeps and make a nice home :) anywaysssss i think u mean recoloring, which is like when people add different colors other than the 18 EA base colors. I don’t allow people to use the meshes mainly bc I know that sometimes I have to go back and update things and this way the recolors don’t have a broken mesh and require that person to redo their package.

Anonymous said: whose ur fave member of lOoNa

my rankings as of right now: Kim Lip, Go Won, Olivia Hye, JinSoul, HyunJin, Chuu, HeeJin, Choerry, HeeJin, HaSeul, ViVi, and then YeoJin

also omfg if u have jinsoul/kim lip/choerry limited edition mix&match photocard and would like to gift me it then umm PLEASE they are impossible to find and i need for my collection ;-;

@disneynsims​ said: I am also a massive Britney Spears fan, and I have to say I appreciate you naming your hairs after her songs. I do make one small request, that a hair eventually be named after one of her best bonus tracks, “Up n’ Down”.

omg Up N’ Down is one of my least favorites on femme fatale grfbg but thank you!! I don’t really name hairs after her songs anymore :(

@issharky​ said: you’ve improved so much over the time! ive been following (on tsr and tumblr since i joined) since like 2016! ♥ still love your blog!            

ygvhbjn i didnt have a tsr but go awf lmao thank you!!! i was a mess in 2016 and a lil of 2017 <3

Anonymous said: Ur such a babe austin            

thx for sending this @dogsill​ ur a babe too 😘

Anonymous said: Discord? Patreon? And this are how a good simblr die

oof discord is literally like a groupchat thing but go off also patreon makes it so i release 3 hairs a month when before it was like 1 or 2 so ummm

Anonymous said: I have recently downloaded blender to make cc hairs, but I can’t zoom in, rotate, or do anything basically. Do you know of any tutorials that explain how to use it well/ in detail? (I have a windows laptop). Anyway, I recently discovered your hairs and I am in love!! Thank you for making so many beautiful pieces of cc!

urgg i really wish i could make video tutorials and stuff for blender and hairs :( I have tried about 3 or 4 times to record/stream and it is so laggy and just pure shit on stream and twitch. I kind of just learned stuff as i went in blender but a must have is a mouse of some kind, otherwise it is 10x harder

@alexschmidt629 said: Hey! I hope you’re doing a bit better than the last time you made your last post! I’m sorry to hear about all of that, being a senior is so difficult and college stuff is even more difficult. I hope you’re doing better!

thank you! I’m doing a bit better now :)

Anonymous said: holy shit it sounds like everything that literally could’ve gone wrong did. wishing u love and luck bb. and also i think its absolutely FINE that u put ur stuff up on patreon early, it’s still free in the end!! its just a choice to actually compensate cc creators for all that they do for us. god that person was just so rude and im kinda surprised at how kindly you took it. props to u xx 

yeah dsgf everything kinda went shitty the past few months but hopefully it all turns itself around :) and I try not to pick at any rude anons/asks in general bc I feel like by doing that it just causes more attention on the issue and more people/trolls want to jump on the band wagon. Thank you!!

Anonymous said: Oh honey, you need prayers and I wish you the best of luck with fasts, college, moving, and the rest of your life. Stay strong hon you got this!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

thank you <3

Anonymous said: hi is there a version off the Ella hair that has a bun in the back or am I crazy? probs crazy honestly, but thx for answering

I think you are thinking of my Maja hair? It has a different bottom but it has those same bangs! It is here

[mochmint]

so i don’t think i’ll be too active tomorrow cuz i got fam coming home but i wanted to get this out!! MERRY CRISIS FROM ME AND MY FRIENDS  we wish you a merry thiccmas! thank you to everyone this year who has talked with me and been my friend - i feel so grateful to know you all and have made such good friendships! i have made so many memeories and can’t imagine my acnl experience without you!! some cheesy writings below djkfhkj

@applehsia wrow ily sm! thank you for always being there for me to rant about riverdale, twd, and my need to buy every nintendog in the world. i laugh so hard everytime we talk about stupid videos WHEEZING laughter

@lostmitten julie bo bulie... mitten, lost, mitten, i’m so happy we met this year!! you’re so sweet to me and i love having bitmoji wars and making joyce uncomfortable by exchanging millions of heart ones!! 

@yamgrove bruh!! xan my fren ily so so much! you’re very quick witted and i love talking with you in chat and hearing your advice! i am in awe over your towns - the effort and creativity you put into it and your posts! you’re SO talented

@nookish JADE!! one of the first people i started talking to here tbh!! you’re so talented honestly like very creative and i can’t wait to see what more you come up with!! also your rants abt shows are always Top Notch i love them fdkjdfjs

@sayabeans-crossing queen of the moths... ily!! you’re always so sweet to me and i love seeing pics of your art and your cat!! you can be so chill to talk with or you can roast joyce in a moment and i respecc fkslddsj

@redbeanjean lil bo bean!!!! i already made a big post abt ya but i’m so grateful to have you in my life!! no matter what stupid thing i post in the group chat you always message me back! i love that i can always count on you!! bro!!

@acnlvevo i also already made a post for you but voot ily!! i love that i can send you the weirdest videos that i find and you don’t even question it! you've always been supportive of me whether in memes or my art and i appreciate it sm!!

@brewsters-art-cafe ash.. the true meme queen.. i honestly don’t know how you always have memes for every situation and can make edits in a second its crazY!! you’re so talented and funny and wrow i’m so happy we are friends!

@saralee-crossing MY LUFF!!! sara you’re so so kind and sweet and i’m so happy we are friends! i love sending awkward selfies to each other and tALKING IN ALL CAPS!!! you’re always so fun to talk with and laugh with i cr y 

@mayorlorna we just started to talk recently and it’s so fun! you’re so easy to talk to and i really enjoy when we chat!! you’re so talented and sweet and i can’t wait to become closer! i got lots of memes to send and no self control wink wonk

@sunclubs juju idk if you’re on here much anymore but i wanted to include you because you made this year so great! we connect so well and we get along so well like the conversation is very chill and nice with you and i love it so much!

[mirrorballparkers]

museum dates — peter parker

requested: nah. idea popped up into my head randomly.

tagged: @ttholland @t-oodles @cmonspiderling

- yo so i fucking am a god damn art geek myself, so why not write this? also, i am SO SORRY that it’s been so long since i’ve posted any fics. i’ve just had a lot going on personally, and also had a lot of job interviews (I GOT A JOB !!). not to mention i’m taking a college placement test this week so i’m just a mess. but, i digress. ENJOY THIS FIC! thanks for being patient, lovely humans. 

warnings: a shit ton of fluff and a reader who legit has NO CHILL and peter is such a soft, sweet human bean. 

summary: cute art headcanons with peter parker

- you grew up on art. always going to the local art galleries to discover new artists and collect some of their paintings and sculptures

- you’d always gush to peter about a new art piece you bought or a new artist you discovered

- “babe! oh, my god, look at this new Élisabeth Vigée Le Brun piece i got !!  isn’t it absolutely alluring?”

- you’d sometimes feel bad that you geeked out so much, but peter thought it was so adorable. you had so much passion in your eyes, voice, and physicality it made his heart go fucking wild.

- “keep going, pumpkin. tell me more please.”

-when he told you that he got the two of you ticket to the museum of modern art

- your heart busted a nut

- you literally smothered peter with a bunch of kisses, so happy and thankful  that he would do something like this for you. it wasn’t very cheap to visit museums these days.

- peter thought you geeking out was so cute

- he researched for hours and hours to find the best museum just for you

- when you got to the front entrance, you couldn’t wipe the smile off of your face and you were jumping up and down like a little kid because, actual nerd

- “HOLY SHIT. peter, this place is so beautiful. the detail, the atmosphere, my heart is bursting right now you don’t even know how excited i am right now. this is the best day ever. ”

- peter would just be looking at you with heart !! eyes !! because you were so cute and this genuinely made you happy and excited.

- he was very proud of himself for researching until 4 am on a school night for the best museum in new york

- you were more excited to be with peter though just sayin’

- when you saw him looking, you got a little embarrassed

- “sorry..didn’t know i was acting so childish”

- you calmed down

- for 0.5 seconds until you two entered inside then ya heart went ‘SKRRRAAA PAP PAP PAP PAP PAP’

- you held onto peter’s arm and you were like: !!!! looking around at everything

- it was so mesmerizing !!! like you had never seen a place filled with such unbelievably beautiful pieces your heart busted a nut !!!

- peter would sling his arm around you and kiss your head like a soft cutie

- he was usually too shy for that shit, he prepped himself in his head

- ‘don’t be a pussy, she’s your girlfriend just do it. YOU’RE SPIDERMAN.’ he’d tell himself in his head

- walking around the museum and honestly your heart was busting a nUT everything was so mesmerizing and PERFECT.

- you’d jump up and down like an actual child holding on to peter’s arm as you’d hand the lady in the front your tickets.

- bragging that peter bought you these tickets TO RANDOM ASS STRANGERS THAT CLEARLY DIDN’T GIVE A FUCK BUT YOU WERE SO BLESSED

- “hi, yes my cute ass sweet ass boyfriend bought me these.” you’d say while doing finger guns.

- “YO, LADY WITH THE CHURRO: MY CUTE ASS PRETTY BOYFRIEND BROUGHT ME HERE AND BOUGHT THE TICKETS, ISN’T HE GREAT? yeah, you don’t have to tell me i know bitch.”

- taking those typical pics where you’re standing in front of some art piece !!

“should i put a hand on my hip..?”

“maybe like idk uh just stand still. pretend you’re just posing for a picture.”

“but how will i know you already took it? i don’t wanna be standing here forever, pete. there’s a whole bruce nauman exhibit with my name on it.”

- peter would make a clicking noise for you to know when he took it so you wouldn’t be standing and hurting your feet. he was a considerate boy.

- he thought you were so cute !!! screw the painting, you were the actual art

“ ew my hair looks weird here let’s take another”

“shut up you look cute af babe”

- peter was whipped so he did as u asked n took more for u cuz the more photos of ya cute ass he would be able to have in his phone and show aunt may how pretty u looked after the date

- “no,no, delete that it makes my butt look bad.”

- peter would blush n shyly say

- “but u have a cute butt…….” bRO

- he wasn’t lying homie thought ur butt was cute

- Even though u would get a lil embarrassed you’d start to get a little more confident and feel ya selffff

- “okay out all the 60 that i’ve taken of u doing cute lil poses i think we have a winner. ALL OF THEM, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL.”

- you’d gasp every single time u saw a sculpture or a painting, anything

- “babe look at this one !!”

“ooh look at this one lOOK AT THAT DETAIL AND TEXTURE”

- peter giving you all kinds of sweet kisses to assure his feelings for you

- cheek kisses

- nose kisses

- temple kisses

- FOREHEAD KISSES

- he’d even pull you to a corner to low key make out with you

- SO !! MUCH !! KISSES !! AND !! HUGS !! 

- peter would hold your hand to his heart and just smile, feeling so warm and happy he was with you

- getting yelled at for touching things

- sassing the workers for getting yelled at for touching things under your breath

- “ the fuck? you don’t tell me what to do fuck you.”

- peter would calm you down but inside he’s like “that’s my baby girl !!”

- linking pinkies as you walk through all the exhibits

- peter wouldn’t even be paying attention to the art

- he dead ass would be just looking at you the entire time, so !! in love !!

- “why’re you not looking at this Ian Chung piece babe?”

“why go to an art museum when i can just look at you for art.” he just !! said that !!

- you’d get all shy and shit

- “aww, my pretty girl.”

- he’d always check to make sure you were hydrated

- “babe you want some water? i haven’t seen you have water all day and i just wanna make sure.”

- “wanna stop and have some water?”

- “do your feet hurt? it looked like you were limping just now.”

- he felt like he was bothering you, but really you were really tired and sore, possibly dehydrated from the hours and hours of walking.

- “i think we should sit down, sweets.”

- you’d finally agree after he told you that you looked kind of pale, so the two of you sat down on a bench and you rested your head on his lap as he played with strands of your hair

- before aunt may picked you guys up, you two went to the gift shop

- you bought so !! much !! amazing !! things !!

-  peter lost you at least 3 times

-  he kind of lowkey panicked every single time because you were his precious daffodil and he’d freak out if he lost you

- “hey, where’d you go?”

- “daffodil, you need to stop wandering.”

- “bABE, IF YOU WALK AWAY ONE MORE TIME"

- you picked out cute matching rings, even though it was incredibly cliche.

-  you had at least 5 items in your hand: a coffee traveling mug, a shirt, magnet, and two hats. you didn’t need two hats bitch what the fuck.

- peter wouldn’t dare to let you spend all that money on you

- “peterrrrr, it’s fine i have money. you’re already buying the rings!”

- this soft boi was too stubborn and bought them for you anyway

- “your total is 32.50.”

- “pETER WHAT THE FU-”

- you’d already put the hat on the second you walk out the gift shop and peter thought it was so cute, so he snapped a picture without you seeing it and captioned it as: ‘she’s so extra, but i like her a lot so it’s fine.’

- putting the matching couple rings on for each other as if ya’ll were about to fucking get married.

- taking snaps of each others hands with the rings and putting dorky captions

- your whole body was aching from all the walking so peter would be all cute and give you a piggy back ride to his aunts car

- when you got in the car, you rested your head on his shoulder completely worn out.

- peter was VERY excited to show aunt may all the pictures he took

- “hon, these are all of her, not the art.”

- “what’re you talking about, may? SHE IS ART.”

- you fell asleep on his shoulder bc it was going to be a very long drive home.

- he’d be very sweet and take off your shoes for you so your feet wouldn’t hurt anymore

- peter eventually fell asleep too, hands intertwined with yours and his heart very full

- it really was a perfect date.

[kellylovesmax]

My life is over

I’ve been crying for 3 hours. Welcome back to my life everyone’s here to see the train wreck. But I feel that people fail to understand that the train wreck they follow is at the point of breaking for good. I have been feeling hatred, depression, and disgust. I’m not in a good place right now. I haven’t been in a good place for the past week and day after day it gets worse today has been the cherry on top, where I feel like my world is collapsing and people are so selfish only concerned about themselves totally disregarding where I am and where I’m coming from it’s all about them.

To my fans sorry if I’m speaking to you but if I’m speaking to you especaially the ones that unfollowed me it means you’re guilty. If you’re here to support me or enjoy my rps obviously I’m not speaking to you but I’m reasonating with the aspect of who you are you’re guilty. My fans I have been ignored and insulted for a week and I am at a point where when it comes to this nothing else matters. Tumblr, the followers, the rps, nothing truly matters. Except for love in its purest form, except for companionship people are ignoring me and this is what I have to say. Hey you’re bringing traffic to me and yeah you might but it’s the kind of traffic that’s gonna send me off the cliff, it’s the kind of traffic that’s gonna make me question why I’m here on this blog and why I’m here in this world.

I don’t need that kind of traffic. I have been crying for 4 hours I can’t cry anymore and you know this is me in it’s rawest form, in the moment. And you can speculate and criticize but it’s gonna come to a point where I jump off a cliff and it’s just unnecessary and what’s obviously happening in my life but it’s all about you and ignoring me. I want to end and I say this with pure intentions because my life right now off tumblr is a disaster, I am drained I just want to end everything. I’m just depressed and ashamed of the people here on tumblr that insult and put others down.

And before you say oh well you signed up for it if something happens to me how are you gonna feel that you drove me to a place of no return, of very severe depression. That’s fucked up, I mean it’s fucked up if you don’t want to hear my posts or rps then leave just leave. Because right now my life is kind of ruined and I am just not okay. I am done crying I’m all cried out I’m not okay.

I don’t know how to go on honestly. You know what I don’t know what’s gonna happen to my life I feel so down right now I don’t know how to go on. My mom also wants me to travel out of state with her to look at places that she doesn’t want me to move into with her and I don’t want to go I even told her she threw a hissy fit and said I can’t stay alone that I need a babysitter but I’m almost 25 I can take care of myself and she treats me like a fucking baby. She said my aunt and uncle would have to come to the house to watch me and apparntly she don’t trust me. Hell today, I had a headache when I came home from the gym cuz I didn’t eat lunch and exercised on an empty stomach and I closed the door cuz she had the tv on like she was deaf or something it was so loud it was bothering me.

When I closed the door she screamed at me to leave it open even though I had a headache she didn’t care she called me a selfish bitch. This made me cry and I cried in the shower about it. I now have 2 projects in my online classes that are hard so I cried about that too. The one in survey of mammals is due 4/27 it’s a PowerPoint and I suck at those. The other is a paper for my introduction to art class which makes me more anxious cuz I’m even worse at essays. My mom told me I shouldn’t go on the stupid vacation with her cuz her friends are going too and she doesn’t want me to embarrass her in front of them cuz apparntly i “embarrass her” somehow which I don’t. I don’t fucking care if I go or not why does it matter I’m going to a state where I’m not moving to and she wants to kick me out anyway even if I do go I’ll just lock myself in my room and just complain the whole time.

Well, I think I’m done there is really nothing else to say. Nobody likes me my mom thinks I need to grow up cuz she’s an abusive piece of shit that likes to blame me for everything that happens always the first to point the finger at me I’m very sick of it. Im just praying I’ll do something stupid, the idea of taking a fistful of pills sounds nice cuz that way I won’t need to cut myself and relapse on my self harm and make sure I take enough so I’m out of it like 100. No one likes me no one apperciates me everyone thinks I’m a monster people just exaggerate the truth like my mom for example. Ugh, what’s the point of it weren’t for tumblr no one would know who I am it’s not like I’m a friend or a family member or an old classmate it’s so bizarre very surreal how this whole thing called tumblr works.

And for what, it’s just come to a point where idk I probably won’t go through with it because I’m a total wuss. My life is over. I’m done. I’m tired. I’m quitting. I’m over it. I’m closing the door. So, peace out. ✌️ ☮️

[noxiim]

(1/3)Okayyyy so i mightve sent a few asks abt this before but this topic is really now bugging me cuz i have depression and im sensitive to like everything. Im starting to take this "not getting notes on my art" thing really personally and i know it sounds childish (and i laugh at myself for it) but i cant help but get upset when i spend so much time and effort and get like no feedback. And i know people say not to draw what u love and not for attention but honestly i dont even know what

and i dont even know if im drawing what ilike sometimes. Yeah i love bts but i dont know if i like what im drawing or ifim just doing it for notes???? And i have a lot of anxiety too and thats wherei feel like im taking this too personally. Cuz im starting to think that my artdoesnt get notes cuz its straight up not good which leads me to think ishouldnt even try to pursue a career in art anymore. But im not good atanything else so wtf am i gonna do if i dont succeed in art???? Like i said i laugh at myself for thinking like this and iprobably sound like a fuckin child but i cant help it???? Like i think my artis decent???? But maybe its not???? Idk like this was really hitting me todaycuz i feel like im wasting so much time and im probably gonna be one of thosepoor college students cuz i decided to focus on art more rather than taking ajob cuz i thought i could make money off of my art but yknow clearly its notgoing so well and im scared for my future U dont have to give advice to all of that i just needed tolet that all out 

Aw dude don’t worry I get what you mean,I actually experienced something similar when I first started posting my art totumblr, and even recently when I first started posting bts fanart. It’sperfectly normal to want recognition (in this case in the form of notes) forsomething you worked so hard on!! I think one of the major issues with postingto such a big fandom such as bts though is that there’s so many peopleproducing content at any given time, that it’s incredibly easy to get drownedout. Especially since tumblr changed how search and track tagging worked, itmade it that much harder for people to get noticed for their content.

When I first switched to drawing for bts,I found it hard because I also focused a lot on my note count. For someone whowas originally well established in a previous fandom, the move to bts was quitea jarring experience. I had built my following on tf2 art, and used toconsistently get a couple hundred notes, but one of main reasons why I left wasbecause of the dwindling of note counts. When I first left, overwatch had justcome out and a lot of attention shifted towards that game away from tf2, andalthough I still love the game, the dramatic decrease in notes on my art fortf2 really made me sad and I ended up deciding to leave the fandom after 3years of drawing tf2 art. I hopped around a bit, before eventually getting intobts. Even then, my first few pieces (they’re not on my #bts fanart tag so mostpeople wouldn’t have ever seen them) either got no notes at all or only two orthree. It was easier for me to establish myself in a fandom such as tf2 back inthe day since it was such a small, tight knit community with limited contentcreators, but now with bts there are so many more people and it just seemedhopeless for a while and I lost motivation in my art. I stopped wanting todraw, since it felt like nobody cared. Art is the biggest hobby I have, solosing my confidence in my art was crushing.

Now you might be wondering how I got towhere I am today. I’ll be completely honest with you. For me, I highly doubt Iwould be anywhere near where I am if it weren’t for networks. I had neverjoined a network before, but decided to join armiesnet and jimin network one daywhen I saw that applications were open. I got accepted, and I joined theirrespective group chats too. I met lots of great people on those chats, and madea lot of new friends which was nice after having moved fandoms and lost touchwith many previous mutuals. I’m so glad I joined networks, because not only doyou have the chance to make mutuals who will support you and your art, thenetwork blog itself also reblogs all its members’ content which gives youexposure to members of the network through both the network tag and through thedashboard. It’s a perfect way to get started, rather than hoping that somebodywith a decent following will happen to stumble across your work in the tags oneday and reblog it.

That being said, unless you’re like somesort of godly human being I don’t think we can ever get over how note countsfeel as an artist. We need something to gauge people’s response to our art, andthat tends to default to note counts. I can assure you that the feeling of disappointmentwhen your post doesn’t get as many notes as you want/expected it to is a thingpretty much all artists on this site shares. People always say “you should drawfor yourself, not for other people” but that’s the equivalent of like say themona lisa being painted and then left to rot in Da Vinci’s closet or something.The whole point of art is sharing your ideas/love for something through yourdrawings with other people, and so it’s perfectly normal to want therecognition you deserve for working so hard and putting so much love into yourcraft. When it feels like you’re all alone, you have to remember not to giveup. Creating art in such a big fandom can be unforgiving, but just rememberthat your art is never the one at fault. It’s all about finding that littlegolden window of exposure, whether it be through one big blog or a couplesmaller blogs reblogging your work. Those kind few people will be what helpsyou grow, and you have to keep posting for that to happen. If you water a plantbut it doesn’t bloom the next day, abandoning it will get you nowhere. If youjust keep going, keep watering it, results will come. Keep reminding yourselfthat you’re doing well, and you can compare older art to your current art tosee the progress and keep you motivated. Don’t force yourself to draw if youaren’t feeling it – art is something that should make you happy. I used to drawbecause I felt the pressure to put out content, but that just resulted in mefalling into a negative spiral of art block, limited motivation and generalunhappiness with my art as a result. Remember that there’s no such thing as adeadline when it comes to posting art on tumblr – work at whatever pace suitsyou and if anybody tries to rush you, shut them down. You’re the artist, youget to choose what you do with your art, how you do it, and how long you spendon it.

If you truly have your sights set onbecoming an artist full time, then by all means go for it! I can’t give muchadvice in that area since I only plan on keeping art as a hobby, but justremember that art school is always optional. In the end, working as an artistis all about the portfolio, not where you graduated from. It’s more importantto work on your art than it is to get in to an amazing art school. Sure, artschools can be useful, but in the end they are simply tools, sort of like atutorial rather than something that will magically turn you into an amazing artistwith amazing job offers. At the end of the day, it’s all up to yourself to workhard and promote yourself. Since art is all about reaching different audienceswith your work, promoting yourself is essential, even if it’s just casualfanart on tumblr. Feedback can’t come without exposure, and exposure can’t comewithout self-promotion.

Lastly, remind yourself that there’s nosuch thing as ‘bad art’. That might sound like a stupid statement, but inreality art is a constantly changing thing. There is no pinnacle of perfection,no model artwork that represents the most perfect drawing out there. Everyonehas different styles, everyone has different approaches, and most importantly,everyone is still improving. I’m still learning and trying to improve my ownart, and there’s no shame in that. It’s easy to perceive someone else’s art asbetter than yours which would lead to some self-critical thoughts, but you haveto remember that the other artist is probably looking at their own art andpicking it apart, thinking “aw man there are so many mistakes here.” It’s fineto make mistakes, after all, that’s how we learn. Just because we see mistakesin our own art doesn’t mean that everyone else will too – nobody looks at artand their first thought is to list all of the mistakes present. As long as youare aware of what you are less confident in and actively work to improve it,you can quickly surpass even the people you look up to.

So yeah, sorry that this is hella longlol, but in all honestly I can understand what you’re going through. It’seasier said than done, but even though it might feel hard - don’t give up. Youmight feel like you’re not getting anywhere at the moment but I assure you thatif you just keep going, things will only get better. That’s the thing abouttumblr, if you keep posting art your audience can only grow. For now, I would definitelyrecommend joining some networks, and making some friends. It’s not uncommon forpeople to promo their own work in the network chat occasionally, as long as youdon’t spam haha

Anywho, I wish you the best of luck withyour art journey. If you need me you know where to find me 💕💕💕

[thecookiegawd]

funny

wrote this piece the day before a show i had at r coffee house, & read it live for the first time that night. this was written to perform, in case u want to imagine that u were there.

who here has ever heard of a gentleman named kain carter? well, long story short (or maybe short story long), he's a pretty popular youtuber, mostly known for making satirical videos based on life & relationships. recently though, he's been absent from the internet due to things happening in his personal life. he just released a video the other day where he talks about how he was coming out of a gas station, & a guy recognized him & asked where all the funny videos were. his response, prompted this piece. 

his response was "...shit just ain't funny to me no more". now that's interesting, because what lewel of rock bottom do u have to be at to not find ANYTHING funny?

i can sit here & talk to u about a bunch of things that are funny.

seeing someone trip but not completely fall & bust their ass is funny. that "charlie bit my finger" video is kinda funny.

seeing someone talking on the phone, searching the room for their cell phone & even going as far as to call their cell phone to find their cell phone is funny.

dave chappelle...hilarious.

some people say life is funny. but life is only funny in that weird way.

you know when your manager tells you that you're getting written up because you didn't do something that you clearly did, but you feel like they're out to get you so they just make up shit, so when they turn the corner to go back into their office you just silently slide them the middle finger?

funny.

when you gotta be to a very important meeting in like 30 minutes but you HAD to get your eyeliner JUST right because let's face it- how you supposed to nail that presentation if your face isn't put on the correct way- & now you have 15 minutes so you rush out to your car & you turn the key & you hear that AMAZING sound of your car saying "FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCK YOOOOOOUUUUUUUU"?

funny.

that time when the person u were in love w/ out of the blue starts treating u different, & one day u find out that they've found someone else via a post on their instagram w/ the caption, "i've got me good one, so why not smile"?

funny.

so why didn't we laugh?

i know why we didn't laugh.

because humor is about timing.

& time...

time's time.

time can be 1 second or 300 years.

idk about you but i ain't tryna wait 300 years for no punchline.

so when is shit funny?

shit's funny when that manager that was out to get you gets demoted because the big bosses find out that they're not doing their job the correct way, & then they make u the new manager so now u get to tell THEM what to do.

funny is when just at the time that ur car is cussin u out a friend rolls by & asks if u need a ride, so u make it to that meeting just in time, u kill that presentation, & all throughout ur eyeliner looks flawless.

funny is when u see ur now ex-significant-other going thru relationship problems w/ the person they left u for & now ur in a flourishing, healthy marriage, w/ a kid on the way.

& u just bought a big ass house w/ mad rooms & a swimming pool.

in a documentary he put out, he told a story:

the short version is that when he was 11 his home life was a mess; his mother married a man who abused him & made every day a struggle. he received news from his biological father that he was gonna get him a baby sister, & from that day on he made the decision that he would never cry again because he had to be strong for her. on the day she was born he got that call...& there was silence on the other end of the phone. she didn't make it. he attended an elementary school across the street, & despite how close to home it was he says that walk home from school the next day felt like a mile. he looks & sees that the car is gone, so no one's home. his stepfather, who was in the military, taught him how to clean, break down & put back together a shotgun that was stashed in his mother's room. he goes in, grabs the shotgun, takes his shoe off so that his tiny legs can reach the trigger, & pulls it. CLICK. the gun jammed. now, over a decade later, he walks around w/ the bullet he loaded that shotgun w/ in his pocket, not for sentimental reasons, but because every once in a while he looks at it & thinks to himself, "hey...remember when u fucked suicide up?"

u see? that's funny...

right now at this very moment, i'm 24 years old, jobless, damn near homeless, i can't honestly tell u where my next meal is coming from, i wake up every morning & wonder how i'm going to make it thru the day, & all i have the energy to do anymore is rap.

i wanna travel the world rapping to people whether it be a crowd of 200 people or 20, taking goofy pictures of people who tell me that that one thing i said in that one song helped them thru their day.

i wanna make art my profession. 

& as i sit here in a room filled with artists, we all know that shit don't always go like that.

u have this person that u have to work for, or this person whom u have to take care of, or this person that u have to live life for right now because that's what's most important. 

some of u, however, make art ur hobby. 

u have a real passion- like maybe some fancy job that pays all ur bills but is ACTUALLY ur career & ACTUALLY what u wanna do for the rest of ur life, & in ur spare time u just make cool shit & show it to ur friends.

i just wanna let u know that i envy u.

because i literally am not good at anything else.

i can't build shit, i don't know how to lay concrete, i can't drive an 18-wheeler, i can't do graphic design, i don't have the patience for small children so i can't be a babysitter...

writing & rapping are literally the only two things in life that i'm good at.

& right now, life will not let me do just that.

so now i have people in my ear (as they normally are when ur jobless) telling me stupid shit like, "yeah i understand that this is ur passion but we have to be realistic". 

lemme tell u something realistic.

i woke up this morning w/ a thousand raps in my head & i've spent the entire day playing catch up so i could bottle them up into the back end of a pencil long enough for me to write them down.

tomorrow when i get them written down i'll record them in my room on my $200 set up, mix & master it as a song, & post it on the internet.

& at some point, someone in the universe is gonna hear that song, relate to it, & it's gonna make them feel something.

that's realistic to me.

fuck what u think reality is.

reality to me is knowing that some day i'm going to wake up in a bed bigger than my house, turn over & kiss my beautiful wife whose body looks like it was designed by apple, run downstairs & cook my children some breakfast because yes...i will eventually learn how to cook.

i'm gonna make a phone call to a very important person & we're gonna talk about this huge tour i'm going on & how i just made so much money off of my last record that i can fund it on my own, & how kanye called me a genius.

then i'm gonna hop in some car that some rapper used in some rap video but that don't matter cuz i actually own my shit.

then i'm gonna go pick up all my friends & we're gonna go to some random place we used to always hang out at when we were broke & had nothing to do- like r coffee house, & we're gonna talk about how we're about to make the biggest move in all of our careers.

then we're going to sit & reminisce about how shit used to be.

how we used to share food off of a dinner plate.

how we used to have to walk across town just to make it to mcdonald's not to eat, but to use the wi-fi to apply for jobs so that we could make some money so that we could eat.

how we used to record 10 songs a day & how those were the good old days because we didn't have jobs so literally all we had time to do was watch House, eat pizza & create.

& i can't wait for that day...

i can't wait for all of this shit to be funny.