#honestly i'll probably post it anyway to cope

[local-lamppost]

Act 3 Thoughts

Watched Wicked, came home, waited 20 minutes, binged Act 3. I do not recommend this lifestyle. Anyway...

I was so satisfied with where we ended up, but I would have also appreciated about 20 minutes to an hour more. It felt like some beats were skipped over, they wanted to get to specific endings and didn't have the time to wrap them up as neatly as I would've liked.

Maddie is a good example. She's a plant for Ambessa, okay but when and why did she become one? She couldn't have been one before Cait being named commander and when we next see her she's pushing for Cait to take power back from Ambessa. Did Ambessa just message her right after Cait and Vi started working together again as like a "the woman you love's actual love is back in the picture, you can either wallow or get revenge with me", but also made a smarmy remark about Cait 'at least being warm' or something. We didn't need to absolve Cait or villainize Maddie for their 'relationship' because they didn't even have a relationship-just a coping mechanism for Cait, similar to Vi's drinking. At best it was all unnecessary and at worst a waste of time.

Away from that, I want to focus on some good.

I am officially a JayVik shipper now. Them disappearing into a void together, encircled with each other, after Viktor spend however long within timelines/multiverses in hopes of finding a Jayce able to bring him back to his humanity? Come on, they needed to kiss. Especially after Jayce and Mel's low key break up. Honestly we were denied the three of them working together, because they would have been unstoppable.

Speaking of Mel, I love her. I love her design, her powers, her matricide, her taking command of Ambessa's armies, etc. I wish we could have seen more of her adapting to her new powers, finding peace with what she now is. There could have been a cool interaction with Viktor over how Arcane power has changed them both for better and worse.

I don't think Mel's story is done. With other characters, I can see them coming in for future story arcs as like, cameos or background details, but if the next LoL story is in Noxus I fully expect Mel to be a major player again.

Back to Jayce. I like Jayce, that could be my Arcane hot take, and I definitely want to write something more in depth on him. On all the characters really. For now, I'll just say that his determination to destroy everything he has built, because the only creation worth saving is his relationship with Viktor is just... glorious.

Viktor was amazing. I love Viktor in the lore, and they took his traits from the lore and amped them up to eleven. His body being destroyed and rebuilt, the process of which has chipped away his humanity and mutilated his dreams. He lives up to his own quote: "In the pursuit of great, we failed to do good. We have to make it right."

Ekko is a character I never realize I miss. That sounds mean, it probably is, but I am never the less so happy to see him every time. It's like finding the missing piece you didn't even know was lost: that is Ekko to me. His mini adventure in the parallel universe was adorable. Us getting to see what could've been alongside learning what matters most to Ekko, him getting a taste of a near perfect life and still choosing to return to his own time. That's why Ekko is the true hero of this story.

In terms of Jinx, I'll just say I'm not a hundred percent sure she's dead. The airship leaving at the end followed by her scribbled sign off, plus not getting a dead body shot. It was definitely left open ended. Her looking to do something good, to not mess up, alongside her fear of not wanting to try again because she is just tired of failure, of being a Jinx, was too real in many ways. I will go in depth on her at a later date.

Caitlyn's arc is going to be argued about, no question. It needed more time (see the start of this long post) to make her point of her anger burning away, of it not being sustainable, hit harder. I would have made her realize what her anger was doing to Vi, have Jinx point out that they really are acting the same in their treatment of Vi, and use the whole Ambessa was literally stoking the fires of her hatred to help fit what time they had left. Honestly just have Cait learn Ambessa was the one behind the memorial attack, that would be a much better way to explain her anger diminishing enough to look beyond her own hurt to realize and take account of her mistakes.

Vi, as usual, needed more screen time. Not necessarily because her story would've been helped by it like in act two, but just because I wanted her to have more time to enjoy her life. I went into act three with the sole hope that Vi would have a nice day, only for her to loose everything again. The only people she has left are Cait and Ekko, and god help anyone who tries something against those too now. Her ending being the chance to finally rest, to lean on someone else, was beautiful. She is my favorite character and please let her have only good things in the future, she was traumatized in almost every scene this season please-

Nobody tell Vi that in a universe where she died young everyone else ended up living. It would destroy her.

Vi and Cait relationship was great. I wouldn't say it was rushed in act three, because it felt like it was where it should be for a final batch of episodes, if that makes sense. It felt like the set up was Cait being genuinely remorseful and Vi just wanting someone in her life who wanted her in return. It helps that they have great chemistry and that when given the chance they fit so neatly together. I think Jinx encouraging Vi to be with Cait is what sold it to me. Jinx realizing how much Vi has given/sacrificed and giving her blessing for her sister to be happy with someone she disapproves of; not to mention Cait pulling the guards from their posts to give Vi the chance to actually meet Jinx in order to have that conversation. All in all, it comes down to Vi's "I don't care" because that's really all there is too it for them. Vi is done being miserable and Cait makes her happy, vice versa. Cait is someone Vi can rely on, Vi is someone Cait can find strength in.

Spitfire round:

Sevika being made a councilor

Every single one of Mel, Cait, and Jayce's designs were 10/10s

Vi not being given an actual uniform, just armor and the gloves

Jinx cutting her hair further to match Vi

Ekko getting his crystal sword/bats

Heimerdinger dying after living a life where he could make his city something to be proud of

I was fully expecting Vander and Silco to kiss in that one shot

Everything with Benzo

Loris' name being said

Vi humming the song and the song being their mother's lullaby

Viktor being held within the Herald

Sky leaving so Viktor was free to bring Jayce to his space mind palace

Caitlyn's rifle never surviving

Fishman McBlue being the only one of Cait's soldiers to stick to his guns and stay loyal

Sevika and Shoola side eyeing each other

Vander and little Vi and Powder with the bunny

The bunny being a passenger on Jinx's balloon

Singed's messed up family getting a happy ending

[causenessus]

abt to sign into college board everyone pray for me and wish me luck pls

[ayeliiss]

My two cents on MHA430 and Izuku's character

Disclaimer: this is NOT a hate post against Horikoshi and his manga. Simply, I need to lash my disappointment out somewhere and write my feelings down before I implode. I'm not trying to sound like 'ugh, I know better than them' at all, although I am aware some of my claims may give the 'why does the author think he knows so much?!' vibes, but keep in mind this is just my irrelevant opinion and it won't change anything anyway. So, please, don't come at me with 'lacking reading comprehension' or 'you're coping' (yes, I am) because I feel like fans are allowed to be upset at this ending even if you think differently! To each their own opinion, as long as it's respectful! Also, this might be unnecessarily long so, I apologize in advance.

Discussion about Izuku's character

First of all, if you're satisfied with the ending and what Izuku did/became, I'm genuinely happy for you. Truthfully, I envy you so damn much because I personally couldn't stop feeling empty and crying at night for him, and before you come at me with 'girl, he's fictional, it's okay you'll move on', yes, I know I'm a drama queen and I shouldn't be in one hell of a state for a fictional character, but I can't help it. I've grown as attached to him as I've ever grown to any character before, and there's no turning back. MHA is the first manga that ever moved me this hard and it'll forever remain a masterpiece for me, but it doesn't mean it's not flawed and should be free of criticism (always with respect for Horikoshi's work).

Funny thing is, I didn't even like Izuku when I first met him. He was the typical crybaby and too-optimistic MC I tend to dislike when I read a manga. Yet, the more I read, the more I started to understand him, the more I sympathized with him, and the more I loved him. I realized I related to him to such an outlandish extent, though I know we remain different in the way we act or think. But Izuku, even before Katsuki (and my friends know how obsessed I am with this blond lmao), became my first and greatest over-fixation and my main reason to continue reading/watching MHA. This manga changed my life; Izuku did too, and this isn't an understatement.

Just like him—and probably just like many of us—, I've endured bullying, been made fun of for being different, felt unwanted and hated, been belittled, and treated like shit for most of my teenage years. I think that's what really endeared him to me. I wanted to watch him grow, to watch him make real friends, to watch him receive the apologies and respect he deserved, to see him succeed. I wanted him to realize he was worth it and loved and, oh God, I wish he could know just how much his fans do love him.

And for 200+ chapters, I got what I wanted. Izuku got to live his dream, be around his idol who recognized him, and made new friends who admired him and wanted nothing but to be by his side. Then, the Vigilante arc happened, and everything changed. I won't dwell on the fact that, for me, this arc was the beginning of the decline of his character. It's worth noting though that it's at this precise moment that we've lost track of all his thoughts, but I'll focus on the ending, and how the way Horikoshi handled Izuku's character remains my biggest disappointment.

I sometimes joked with a friend of mine, saying, "Hori's favorite character is Katsuki and it shows so much, he even forgets he isn't his MC!" but I don't think it's much of a joke anymore.

Again, I'm very happy for those who are pleased with Izuku's closure. But, honestly, I can't grasp their process of thinking (I wish I could) because there's no way I can understand how it makes sense. It's not about him being quirkless—actually, I think this choice was cool—, it's about his obvious fucking depression.

After his initial withdrawal, there is never any resolution. He has never talked about his feelings to anyone, never opened up about all the things that bugged him, never taken it out on anyone. He just stopped having development, and never learned how to 'control his heart' (one of the biggest plots of the story, remember???). So, he continues to take everything up on his shoulders by the end of the story, and eight years later, he is feeling lonely, as he says himself:

Yes, I can read, and I know he's also saying he's happy with helping/encouraging other people. But it's literally denial. Izuku is in denial and it hurts me so much. He's alone (I'm not talking about how he's barely seen his friends, I know they didn't abandon him or anything, I'm talking about how he is feeling in general), deprived of his dream, and never got to talk about it to anyone (at least, on-screen. And if it's not shown, then it didn't happen). Even the adults around him don't see he's in pain—or, at least, don't think it's worth addressing. Aizawa can't even simply answer 'yes, you're cool' when Izuku obviously seeks praise and needs nice words after everything he's been through. He doesn't even get fans (except for two, waouh!) after saving the fucking world. He doesn't get a statue, no recognition. Katsuki leads a project for him to get a suit, but not the government? After everything he did? Why isn't he more recognized and acknowledged for his hard work? Killing him would've almost felt like a better choice lol (#it's a joke).

Even if, in the end, he gets to join his friends again and be a hero with them, he's still not opening up. How is it sane/healthy for him???? How will he even be able to maintain good relationships of any kind if there are already so many and huge miscommunication issues?

I hate this—I dislike how it's basically saying 'his feelings weren't that important!'. Izuku deserved better, a better closure. So much is missing from him; from this bitter ending, and I can't find any way to make myself feel better or to cope with it.

I am devastated, I feel empty for him, I just want someone to take him to therapy, to help him.

Some rumors have started to spread, about how 'Horikoshi has been forced to shorten his manga' but I don't believe this—MHA has been SJ's money-maker for a while. And even if it were to be true, the epilogue could've been handled differently. Hori could've focused on the most important parts (that he hasn't even shown/resolved at all) and left the irrelevant ones out (why introduce a new character if not to make us feel hopeful to see Tenko again, lol). He chose to not address the most important aspects of his story (including his MC's resolution and growth) and left us with huge plot holes. And now, we're stuck with our imagination, as usual.

I just can't with 'open endings' and 'it's left to interpretation' stuff. It's too easy to do that. I'm tired of mangakas not taking risks, rushing their own plots, and not digging deeper into their own MCs' traumas. I don't know what happened, but among the many issues left regarding this last chapter, Izuku's conclusion remains my greatest ick. I'm so sorry to say this, but Izuku didn't grow. He never learned from his mistakes and just didn't change—oh wait. Yes, he did change on one crucial aspect—his biggest trait, being obsessed with his childhood friend, totally disappeared! Maybe he started to stop caring about 'Kacchan and the others' and put himself first, to the point of forgetting the said childhood friend died twice for him, who knows? :))) (yeah, I'm especially pissed off at this lol don't mind me).

In my imagination, I see him being a pro-hero who continues to suppress his feelings and continues to act recklessly, to risk his life in the face of any danger that shows up. This is what happens when you leave it to fans' imagination, after all.

I know fanfictions exist, and I'm very happy this unclear ending motivated some writers to challenge their creativity. For me, it had the opposite effect. I'm disgusted, I am angry at Izuku and I know I'll struggle to finish my fics where he's involved because I don't want to deal with his character anymore. I'm too attached to canonical representation.

Man, I'm just devastated. I have no other words. And I'll have to live with this for the rest of my life. I feel betrayed. Shitted on. I'm dying inside and there's nothing I can do because it's over. Just like this long-ass essay, btw lol. Thank you if you're still here, thank you if you've read this! I'm pretty much open to discussion so if anyone wants to try and reassure me over some aspects or respectfully explain why I am wrong (I know I probably am, yet again those are my own feelings), please don't hesitate to do so. Also, I definitely need friends with whom I could talk about this deeper... so, my DMs are open too if you'd like to!

Much love to Izuku though; one of the best MCs I've encountered in my life, despite how he turned.

[ambrosiagourmet]

i'd love your analysis and opinions of the lovely izutsumi (izutsumi) for the character meme :3c

Izutsumiiii~

First impression

Once again tbh my impression of her was formed from Fandom Osmosis before I actually encountered her. In this case: The Best Take on a Catgirl Ever

Impression now

Yeah hi this ask is what prompted me to write this post about my thoughts on Izutsumi's role in the story

Anyway in addition to that... I love her. I really appreciate how her trauma and coping mechanisms are handled, and I adore the Cat of it all. Some of my favorite panels are just the ones where Izutsumi is in the background doing cat things. She's got so much spirit and she grows so much and she's got so much future ahead of her... ahh... Izutsumi...

Favorite moment

I was going to say the entirety of the succubus fight, especially the two hearts bit. And that probably IS my favorite moment, but I'm going to highlight this detail instead bc it's easy to miss and so beloved:

She wipes their faces clean and gets her kitty hairs all over them....

Idea for a story

Hmmm... I mean really any kind of post-canon exploration of her would be so good. There are already at least a couple of good oneshots I've seen doing that, but honestly I'd love something LONG and just... about her figuring herself out. How she decides where to fit in, what she does with her relationships, what she does with her freedom.

I guess really what I'm thinking of is something that captures the "healing isn't linear" experience of trying to move on from as much trauma grief and isolation as Izutsumi has experienced. I think a story where she has room to backslide and move forward and fail and apologize and forgive herself and forgive the people around her... those ups and downs would be cool to see played out in full.

Unpopular opinion

??? She's kitty. We all are in agreement on this one, I think

Favorite relationship

Okay this is actually hard because on the surface level it's definitely of course her and Marcille. BUT... I have also been really enjoying revisiting tidbits of her and Senshi (especially the way he makes her food the chapter when she joins...), and I want to explore more of her and Laios too...

I'll still just stick with her and Marcille though, because they are very sweet and fun and good.

Favorite headcanon

I can't track it down right now, but there is a bonus comic doodle that's like "what was everyone doing at 13?" and Izutsumi's response is like. Pshh?? 13? That was four years ago how am I supposed to remember" and like. My girl has SO many trauma repressed memory issues. [Izutsumi voice] what to do mean you guys have clear memories before 15.

[pierswife]

Hey guuuuuys

As a heads up, I'm going to be converting this blog to be mostly my main/pokemon blog. I've been thinking about it for a while tbh and when it comes down to it, I've been feeling a huge disconnect from selfshipping as a whole for a while. It was nice and a great way for me to cope before I was able to get mental health care, but it's definitely more of a hobby now more than anything. Don't get me wrong, I still love my funky little gals and guys and it's fun to think about them in different scenarios! I'm still going to always lose my shit over Piers! But honestly? All of my "inserts" have basically come into their own, if that makes sense. They are not me. They may share a name with me sometimes but that's definitely an OC, that and I'm too lazy to rename the various Mandas and Jeannes across franchises cause that shit is a lot of work. And besides, literally everyone who has made a character has put some of themself into it and I know that I'm not wrong--

Now, what does this mean for me/the blog?

I'm still gonna post how I feel like posting. Things are going to be a lot less selfship focused. If anything, I'm leaning more on the side of oc x canon and oc x oc cause that's where I'm finding more enjoyment. No more fancy carrd with f/os and all that happy stuff, it's just going to be an about. No long ass dni honestly who the hell even takes the time to read them anymore (I mean, I do, but not the point I'm trying to make here). Granted my dni was never long in the first place but kgjwjdjejejjfayhs still. I'm still deciding if I'm going to go through the blogs I follow and trim things up. If I unfollow you, by no means is it anything against you and there are no hard feelings on my end. And if you'd like to unfollow me due to my focus shift, I encourage that.

Honestly over all, I haven't had a lot of energy to be publicly online in a while, anyway. It's what happens when you work full time, go to school part time, and have some mental disorders and a chronic illness that's been fucking you over since you were 2. The burnout is real lmao. I'd rather enjoy myself when I'm on tumblr than be all bleh, ya know?

I mean this when I say I did enjoy my time when I was selfship focused, but I think that part of my life is... Not quite behind me, but not a major part of my future anymore. In some aspects, it made my mental health worse, if I'm being honest, and I should have never let it get to that point. Granted that was before I was able to get diagnosed and start my mental health journey, but still. Should have stopped as soon as I felt myself not doing okay. I'm not going to dumb down or sugar coat myself anymore (granted I haven't been for a while but eh is what it is). I'm probably going to be leaving most servers I've been a part of and clean up my discord as well.

I'll still post self ship stuff here occasionally cause I mean, c'mon it's my blog I can do whatever the hell I want with it forever.

But I do think it's time to finally start finishing up this chapter. I'll forever and always be Amanda Pierswife though, you can pry this url from my cold, dead hands <3

[yuri-is-online]

I just wanted to say your posts single-handedly made me like Sho and I made a new account with him as my starter.

I'm still not through with ch2 on my first account (why are the battles so hard I only have 2 SRs to help me and rainbow apples are so limited T-T) so at that point I'd only seen Sho ignore mc and remember getting a short campus event where he literally goes "Oh it's just you, what do you want" or something along those lines so I thought he'd be just as bad as Leo lol. And ngl his design wasn't one of my favorites? But I'm the type who quickly grows on whoever I decide to like so now I love him and his silly bandana and the fact he literally wheels around with Bonnie in fights lol.

I'm especially curious about the Like Dove thing and how it works, initially I thought it was a conscious decision to send (like how Kaito assumed the gossiping girls sent it over for him/Luca) but I sincerely doubt anyone in Vagastrom was popular enough to get one (just bc they're scary) so why did it show up in front of mc and Sho when they barely had talked at that point??? Did he already like her or is it more like a "koi no yokan" thing?? I'm so curious about it. Does it show up in ch3 too? I don't see much mention of it.

Anyways, thank you for your Sho drabbles I love reading them sm!! Honestly I wish someone would upload the whole story somewhere so I can play the game at my own pace bc rn I'm just ITCHING to dump resources and try to get ahead (unsuccessfully)

;-; I am so sorry I made you start another account annon. I send love towards your rolls and ward you against the urge to spend money.

I also thought Sho was going to be just as bad as Leo and didn't like his design. The more he actually talked to MC and just in general the more that changed. He's not that bad of a guy at the end of the day, just loyal to a fault. I even like his little bandanna now, it's cute.

From the way Kaito describes the like dove I personally took it to mean that it was attracted to strong positive feelings towards someone. It can't exactly be sent somewhere because it is a sentient anomalous and independent animal. There are a few explanations for how the writers determine when it shows up, so I'll just work through my thoughts here.

The boring answer: stealing this one from someone on reddit, but the Like Dove shows up when MC starts making progress on getting close to the ghouls in the dorm. It shows up in Chapter 21 of Book 2 because Leo uses MC's enhancement and Sho feels sorry for her. I don't like this answer as much because it does not exactly explain why the Like Dove does not show up until the end of Book 3, as at least 2/3 of Jabberwock's ghouls like her pretty much from the start.

Still boring but slightly more fun answer: the like dove shows up when MC starts to have or accepts having positive feelings towards the ghouls around her. It appears in Chapter 21 and at the end of Book 3 because MC feels like she's really starting to help their dorms. This does not exactly work with Kaito's explanation that the dove comes to you when someone has positive feelings towards you.

"Yuri is doing lines of cope again" crack answer: I think describing it as a "koi no yokan" type thing probably makes the most sense. Kaito certainly seems to think of it as indicating romantic feelings, but he's a bit of a hopeless romantic so I'll take him with a pinch of salt. The Dove in Book 2 specifically appears after 1) Sho sees Leo and MC sitting on the couch together and asks if they're a thing and 2) MC asks about Sho's cooking. I don't think Sho ever really thought negatively of MC, he doesn't seem to have thought much about her at all. He describes Luca and MC as "normies" who he doesn't think Leo should waste time on, so no real hatred just indifference. Indifference that changes to reluctant fondness that same night when Leo forces him to stay behind by lying and MC compliments his cooking. So yeah, it shows up when someone has a sense that they could have strong positive feelings towards her. You could also say that it came due to the positive feelings Leo had about the ring helping him spy on Tohma and Alan, but I prefer to think it was from Sho. Because fuck Leo.

As you might have gathered the dove does show up again in Book 3, I forget the exact chapter but it's around when Haru promises to help MC with her curse. It's also the only dove that has showed up with all members of a house present, which is one of the reasons I like Jabberwock so much, best house fr fr. I will keep my eye out for it in Book 4 and keep you all updated, if you like my anon friend I'll try to make a summary post of the story so you can know what's going on while you try to convince the game to let you through. I am rooting for you!

[mehoymalloy]

How do you think Imogen reconciles with those headcannons about Otohan? Do you think they could grow towards a healthy dynamic? In your fics, it seems like they are.

Well that's a fun question, because as I've written them, Imogen doesn't actually know any of that about Otohan (or anything at all about Otohan, for that matter).

In the Let Me/Won't You universe, the bond makes a lot of those traits intrinsically known on a subconscious level even if not fully understood. An example from my fic flowers: Imogen never saw Otohan carefully clean their armor, yet to her own discomfort, she is unsettlingly unsurprised when faced with the evidence.

What's more, their relationship only works (even as dysfunctional as it is) because of that bond. They are the only two people who can understand what it's like to know someone inside and out in every way while simultaneously, at times, absolutely loathing each other.

It's terrifying for both of them (tho Otohan would obviously never admit it) to be laid so utterly bare before their literal enemy, and fucking each other is one helluva way to cope with that lol.

A friend was actually just teasing about this (see below): because of that unique bond in particular, Imogen is especially able to get underneath Otohan's skin and in their head. As a result, she becomes a bit of an exception to a lot of Otohan's norms (to Otohan's immense frustration).

I mentioned in the headcanons post that Otohan is not particularly possessive or prone to jealousy or envy. And I think that tracks with canon, in that Otohan shows no indication of ever being envious of Liliana being chosen as the probable vessel for Predathos. In regards to possessiveness and jealousy, while I have no canon reasoning for this, I just don't think Otohan has ever cared about anyone enough to reach that point.

(You can probably see where I'm going with this.) Obviously I've written Otohan as plainly possessive of Imogen and jealous of Laudna, but it's not so much because she cares about Imogen. Rather, she hates the forced sense of intimacy the bond brings. She hates that Imogen theoretically has access to all their memories and thoughts, even the ones she hides from herself. She hates that some part of her craves that easy sense of intimacy (because Otohan is a pretty unlikable person and they know it lol). They hate that Imogen has all this access and knowledge and control over them and can so easily reject them anyway (tho I will say, this is getting very meta, Otohan would never admit any of this even to themself lol).

Now to finally answer your question of whether Imogen and Otohan could ever grow toward a healthy relationship dynamic: it sort of depends on the universe, but ultimately, no.

For what I have planned for the Let Me series, they get even worse, in fact!

In the Won't You spin-off series (which I consider not 'canon' to Let Me, I'll make clear), they're forced to face each other's feelings and insecurities, and they sometimes intentionally and ruthlessly dig into those while other times soothing them for the sake of having a rare moment of peace.

And most recently, in @lavendertheys wonderful "OhNotohan" series, KelseyO has given me the space to dig into those especially soft spots that I honestly would normally find too somft for Let Me/Won't You overall.

But the thing about enemies to lovers as a trope is that you can only write two people hating each other so many ways; it will get boring eventually. In my opinion, it is immensely more interesting when the concept of caring for each other in spite of that established hatred is introduced. That's also what's just plain fun for me to write.

So no, I don't think they'll ever reach a point that I would call healthy, which is very much the point of them. But is incredibly fun to inject those softer moments that evoke the barest echo of a healthy relationship because seeing how they both deal (or don't lol) with that makes for interesting character development.

Anyways, I think I've rambled enough! Thanks so much for the interesting question, I honestly forget that I can talk far too much about Otohan and Imotohan overall until someone makes the mistake of asking me about them. Then it all spills out lol and I appreciate those that actually like to see those thoughts~

[magpies4nights]

Tiny Terson x Rose from the Titanic movie (Dev log #13)

DARRRRRLIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGG!!!!! GUESS WHO’S BACK FROM JAILLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!! (HEHEHE)

(Rose and Tiny Terson r in luv and stea; cers 2getha..... goalz <3 /j)

I’m here now. Well, I’ll be honest. Other than the fact there probably might be a ghost following me around on campus now (the lights in my bathroom act strange, birds are landing close to where I am and stare at me and sometimes it feels like someone is touching my head), there’s nothing eventful in my life. Well, I went to an Easter party. They said we’d be back at 6, but they were wrong. We came back at 8 and I fell asleep IMMEDIATELY. Aaaanyways, if you saw my last post on this blog, this is the only dev blog for April. Unless I forget, which quite honestly, is unlikely. Yeahhhhhhh, the reasons are on that post. I'll see y'all in May, and for now enjoy this one for the time being.

Aaaaanyways, game stuff. Party Person’s base sprites are done. Halloween Herson’s sprites are almost done. I didn’t think her design through, shame on me, because it’s a pain to animate her, lol. As a punishment for her existence (Well, I think I did all the GASA4AM characters dirty but I think I did her and Dummy the worst), she gets no walk cycle! she just teleports now. Dummy was feeling generous that day and gave her their ability. After hers are done I think I’ll start if Father Figure’s.

Anyways, I guess this isn’t a reference, but there is one GASA4AM head cannon I like and that’s trans femme Cashier. I don't remember where I found this headcannon, but I don’t know, it makes sense to me. I wish I came around this headcannon earlier, because I would have made her real but for now she’s an egg.

(I'd like to think after Xandra gets deleted the Cashier would take inspiration in the way she does her hair and makeup... that's her way of coping with Xandra's death now haha.)

[r0semirages]

So. I made an RTC swap au!!

It started just with an idea of John Doe!Ricky that I had for a pretty long time, but recently I decided to turn it into something cooler, so I made this whole thing. Maybe I'll sketch their designs later (or at least make picrews of them), but idk how much time it will take. I haven't change some things, like the relationships between some characters, because I thought it wouldn't work very well. But, this isn't fully finished yet, so there's some moments that may be changed in the future.

I imagine this AU more like a play, than a musical and honestly I really don't think that it'll become something serious, cause I'm not that good at writing and creating full stories, so, at least at the moment, it's just for fun. Also, the designs are based on the 2016 cast, but feel free to make your own interpretations with your favorite cast. And maybe someday I'll make them too, we'll see. Anyway, hope y'all enjoy it!! (Pls excuse me if there are any mistakes, english isn't my first language, blah blah blah. Also there are a lot of spoilers for rtc, so if you plan to watch it — don't read further!)

So, first is Penny — the most imaginative girl in town. She's super silly, sometimes awkward and doesn't really have any friends because most people think she's weird. Penny often gets left out or bullied, and she uses escapism to cope with this + all the stuff with her parents, who she didn't get enough love from. Her fantasies is a bit different from the original Ricky's: they don't have a lore, she just makes up random stories to escape from reality and writes them out sometimes. She *definetely* writes fanfiction and probably posts it online. For some reason people find it cool, but no one in the choir knows about it. She's still a Seven-Up fan and she plays the ukulele (that will be used in the new birthday song for Ricky)

I changed her design just a bit, now she wears a lot of accessories, mostly pins (bc I headcanon the og Ricky having them) and it's mostly based on Emily Rohm's Penny, while her personality is more like legoland Penny's.

The next is Ocean — the angriest girl in town. Like the og Mischa, she hates her parents (but in this case they aren't adoptive) and their lifestyle, but instead of becoming the most succesful to prove that she's different from them, this Ocean just becomes a total mess and starts hating everyone. Idk if I will make her like shitty rap about money in autotune, but she definetely has a history of stealing stuff from stores, lol.

Design changes: messy hair; she doesn't have a headband and a tie, her shirt isn't fully buttoned up. She wears a sweater vest over it with a short skirt (a dress, actually).

Then we have Constance — the most succesful girl in town. She's a big nerd and spends a lot of her time studying because she wants to be the best. In general she behaves just like original Ocean and treats Noel like Ocean would treat her in the og musical (they're besties, but not really). She's pretty mean and very ambitious. This Constance doesn't have as much love for her town as the og one and she plans to move out (and become a premier minister of Canada, maybe :p) She's the one to make the final vote in this AU and of course she will choose John Doe/Ricky.

I haven't change a lot of things in the design, but her hair isn't dyed anymore, buns are down, she has a tie and maybe some hairpins. In general she looks a bit more tidy

Next one: Noel — the nicest boy in town. A complete opposite to the og Noel, he doesn't want to change anything in his life and enjoys living in Uranium. He's still super homosexual and has a big crush on Mischa, and, as I've said before he's "best friends" with Constance who treats him like shit and makes jokes about how he's never gonna breed👍🏻 /ref

He's really insecure about himself, but very friendly with everyone else (especially Mischa). He still enjoys all the french stuff, but you know, in a less... horny... way. And his mother is a baker and Noel often helps her in their cafe

He now has a short-sleeved shirt, round glasses and half of his hair is purple (it's also a bit more messy). In general I didn't change a lot in his design, but I made him such an UwU softie boy /j

Then, Mischa — the most romantic boy in town (ah yes, this one is for you, Mischa simps). He's still in love with Talia and his backstory is the same, but instead of becoming an angry rapper, he became a sad romantic guy, who dreams about moving to Ukraine with his (probably non-existing) internet fiancé. He just wants to be happy :(

Design changes: his clothes and hair aren't that messy anymore and he has a black jacket (like the one chance theatre Noel had). Also his nails are usually black or any other dark shade!!

And! Finally! My best creation yet — John Doe!Ricky. Perhaps, the rest of the choir doesn't remember him (well, in fact they do remember him, but it's a different theory and I don't want to bring it here) because he couldn't talk and no one really noticed him. The only person he was pretty close with was Penny, but still, they weren't even friends, they just standed close to each other while the choir was performing and both sat in the back of a rollercoaster when the accident happened. There will be a role-swapped version of the Savannah scene, but I don't know what name should I use instead of Savannah yet (if you have any ideas, please drop them in the comments!! I'll be very grateful)

When he gets choosen by Constance he'll came back to life as Ricky and yes, he WILL remain disabled because I'm a very big Ricky fan + a very big ableism hater, don't expect that shit from me👎🏻👎🏻👎🏻 Also he will still have 14 cats because. Why not. I love cats.

The only thing that will change is the fact that he's a little happier now?? People around him treat him better and he doesn't have to fantasize about fucking cat-people from Zolar to be happy lol. Oh man I'm writing a bit too much about him sorry I just love this guy a lot. Bless his little heart

Finally, about his design: honestly he's just a yassified version of this picture /hj

↓

Okay, so he has a head stolen from some super swag dressed in a Bowie-like style doll that for some reason was in the warehouse. He has a big purple star around one of his eyes and some parts of his hair are also colorful (purple/blue/pink). His clothes isn't very different, but maybe I'll add some more accesories

Well, that's all atm. I will try my best to make some content for this and keep developing this idea and I really really hope you will like it!

Reblogs/comments/likes are VERY appreciated and again, if you have any recommendations for improving this au I'll be really glad to hear them or just any of your thoughts!!!

Ty for reading (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。

[thedecoy-if]

Honestly, the way you're acknowledging that MC's original world is still turning while they're stuck at *squints at notes* .. Eternia. Eterna? It's 5am and I forgot. Anyways, the way you're acknowledging that just. It just make it hurt all the more, man. I don't really know how all this will pan out, but MC is going to be faced with some really tough choices down the line, what with being stuck between two worlds. Maybe even two lives, if they start adjusting to their life in Angsty Kidnapper Land.

Unless... they turn out to be some sort of realm walker...

Ahahaha. Anyways. Incredible game!! It is such fun. You know how many times I've replayed the demo? Four times. Four. I keep going back just to pick all the 'furious, on the warpath' options. Hell-hath-no-fury MC is the BEST. It's incredibly cathartic, watching MC being rightfully pissed about their situation, watching them freely express their anger. I tend to keep more aggressive emotions like anger to myself, so it's very refreshing. It wouldn't be a stretch to say that I'm using your story as some odd way to cope with my own life's trainwreck state. It's amazing <3

Honestly, this Eternia place has terrible manners. Hells upon hells, MC woke up in a dungeon. After getting kidnapped. And they expected MC to take it well.

Like.

A dungeon. Really? A dungeon? How 'bout a bedroom? Is that so hard? Really? If they're concerned about security, I'm sure it's not hard to post guards outside of said bedroom? Maybe put up a few wards if that's a thing there?

Azzy even knew that MC was an average citizen!! An ordinary(?) human! The man practically recited MC's profile on the spot! Honestly, how the hell was plopping MC into a cell supposed to endear them (and their cause) to MC?

They could've been going for an intimidation tactic but. MC's someone they're going to be closely working with, and with the current state of affairs, it seems like they might be doing so for quite a while - so it would be better if they started off on a good note, no?

A good note that is certainly not waking up to a dungeon in a strange land. And a good note that is absolutely not getting stared/glared at very angstily by some knight with a crush(?) on your doppelganger.

Yes, this is for you, Theokins. Honestly, the nerve of him, acting like MC's at fault for having the same face as S. I understand that the man is hurting, but damn.

That line in the bar, when MC tries to escape and Theo 'says the word prince as if MC had somehow tainted it' - ugh. Whatever Theo's feelings about S are, MC has nothing to do with it. He may be doing it subconsciously, but his callousness/Sad Boy-ness with MC is getting on my nerves. I happen to like this MC a lot, thank you very much, so I'm feeling very protective of them.

I have a feeling know that MC getting caught in the crossfire of people's feelings/expectations for S is going to be a running theme in this story. Which in turn will probably definitely come with a healthy heap of identity crises. Joy. I can almost feel the internal hair pulling I'll be doing.

I do hope that we'll have chances to bully Theo at least a little bit in the future, though. I usually play the genuine, good natured MC, but they just can't let Theo escape scot free from the consequences of his attitude, no? :D

Ehehehe.

TLDR: The Kidnapper Squad absolutely sucks at the hospitality and tact aspect of kidnapping. Surprise surprise.

Anyway. Don't get me wrong. I've griped and rambled through 90% of this monstrosity of an essay, but I completely adore this story. The way it sparks genuine emotional reactions from me - it's great fun. The first time I played the demo, I was going through the scenes with extremely vivid ramping indignation. I was even gripping my computer mouse tighter and tighter, wishing I could just chuck it and nail [insert kidnapper squad member here] on the head with it. The range of emotional reactions you allow the MC is, frankly, impressive - and it's immersed me into the story in a way that few stories are able to do.

I'm very excited to see what comes next! Of course, take as long as you need - pieces of art aren't made in a day <3 Thanks so very much for creating this story and sharing it with us. You're awesome! I'm sorry if this... letter...? rant...? Ran for far too long (it definitely did). I just got very excited. And I tend to go on and on when I am. :D

I hope you have a very nice day! <3

Oh my gooodnesss I love long asks mostly because it makes me really happy that you got invested in the story!

Firstly, I'm so glad you liked the story and thank you for the kind words! I'm really happy it resonated with you. I tend to keep any negative emotions to myself as well, but I knew I wanted to give readers the option to be as feral and as angry as possible. An angry MC is basically what I'd hoped I'd be in that situation instead of the reality (scared and very obedient lol...). MC is a totes new yorker, i had to squeeze in the angry NYCers that tend to be our stereotype lolol

And yes, these Eternans suck. I say this a lot but I am happy they've gotten people angry. They're supposed to! They went about 'kidnapping' MC in the worst way but I find the whole thing kind of funny, especially considering they just throw MC in a room anyway like you could've done that in the first place!?! They get better, I promise!

Theoden is.....interesting. 'Sad Boy' is honestly the most perfect way to describe him. He's like a moody teenager. His relationship with S is super complicated and I'm excited to get into it, considering what they have is not at all straight-forward (evil laughter).

And don't worry, bullying Theoden is coming hehehe

You're def right about expectations and identity crisis. One of the major (internal) conflicts MC deals with having to separate themselves from S. It's also something the whole kidnapper squad has to adjust to, and it's definitely not easy. Especially if you're romancing them. Even worse if MC starts getting comfortable and actually enjoying themselves at Hotel Kidnapper.

Thank you for the nice words and I'm so happy you loved the story 🥺 the fact that you played it four times means so much to me! I hope you like what I have planned.

and please, I'm always happy to hear long rants (especially if its just ragging on Theoden lol).

Thank you!!

[lanshappycorner]

Not to sound insane at 6 in the morning but you know if I were delusional and imagine 10051 dating it would probably start in their uni days again (post arcobaleno arc)

Because I can imagine after everything is over, Byakuran asking Shoichi if he wanted to be more than friends and Shoichi's just like "aren't we best friends already ?" And Byakuran is like "I think some would call what I'm referring to as Lovers" and Shoichi is like "Wwhat? No way." Instant rejection😭😭

I do think they love each other but because they share memories of the future and not the actual experiences, shoichi wouldn't be too eager to get into a relationship (I do think he'd want to say yes really badly because logic says no but his heart says he really really loves byakuran)

I'm pretty sure Byakuran would have already known that though and he was just asking to ask💀 so he's like "then I'll ask you again in a couple of years ^^" and Shoichi's like "will you still even like me in a couple years" because that's a long time...and Byakuran just looks at him as if he said something ridiculous and he just responds so calmly he's like "yeah, I will."

No elaboration nothing he's just completely confident that he will like shoichi and shoichi is just so ??? (Although I think shoichi knows his feelings will grow stronger over time but he's never liked giving into what fate wants anyways </3)

Anyways fast forward they're both in college now and Byakuran casually asks Shoichi again, but this time it's really been years so Shoichi feels like he can agree and it's honestly all really normal

But because both of them have been friends for so long and have only briefly considered being lovers, the transition is awkward like both of them end up in a room alone together and byakuran is like "is this where we kiss" and shoichi is like "uh.....but why" and byakuran is like "I honestly cannot tell you idk either its the vibes..." (<neither of them understand how any of this works)

It would take some time and I think Byakuran would be the more affectionate out of the two first and it takes a while until Shoichi realizes that they're ACTUALLY in a relationship because suddenly Byakuran is holding him in a more intimate way and they are CUDDLING and KISSING and its so WEIRDDD

Shoichi asks Byakuran how he's just so natural at this and he's like "I'm not a natural at this, Sho-chan, but I have been holding back for the past 4 years if that means anything" and shoichi gets so flustered but he would be lying if he said he hasn't felt the undeniable urge to kiss byakuran these past 4 years either </33

Also since I'm on the topic I think Byakuran would have the worst time coping with wanting Shoichi for himself because Byakuran can in fact be a . Very very selfish person but I think he'd want to respect Shoichi's wishes especially during their kind of situationship + the beginning of their relationship

Like he's just supposed to be so calm while all these people r hanging out with shoichi (<jealous) and it was even worse when shortly after they started dating Shoichi borrowed his shirt because he stayed over for a night to have a study session and like.

When Byakuran saw him in the Boyfriend Clothes he just had to laugh hysterically face covered and everything and Shoichi is just like "what's wrong with you do I look that bad💀" and byakuran is like "no you look amazing sho-chan but I am laughing because of the self restraint required for me to not kiss you right now so can you take a step back" and shoichi is just ajdjsifsndj?????

ALSO ALSO ALSO sorry for rambling last note but I think Shoichi would have a hard time comprehending that anyone likes him romantically because his self perception is probably not the best but Byakuran is there to prove him otherwise every day without fail .

Anyways that is all thank u for reading all of this if u did. 10051 real

[furbyobsessedpup]

hello saw your invitation to infodump about ocs and. 👁️👁️ I have been waiting for an invitation to ramble about my sillies ongod I don't usually share them with people cause I get self conscious abt them but also I want ppl to know of their existence cause they occupy too much space in my brain lmaoooo (quick cw tho before all that I'll probably talk about religious trauma quite a bit cause that's one of the biggest themes in their lore but it won't be anything too deep :) also one near death experience but again like very briefly mentioned once)

I have a tendency to get off topic and ramble Too Much so I'll try and summarise butttt :3 the story is split into two parts, see you in hell (suih) and Sacreligium with the same characters but just small differences (Sacreligium takes place like 6ish years post suih and Dahlia who is one of Sacreligiums main protags isn't in suih and more details but I can't go on about it or we'll be here forever ajdjwjjd)

But basically my Main Silly if you will is called Wren and he's just a lil guy he's like 12 when suih takes place so like proper lil guy and he gets into an accident which results in a very close brush with death, leaving him recovering from his physical trauma while also trying to cope with the very sudden realisation of his own mortality, plus the fact that during this recovery period he ends up slipping in and out of a sort of purgatory called limbo, in which three deities/religious figures (one of them isnt a deity but ill get to that in a sec) are consistently taunting him and judging him, trying to cleanse him of whatever trivial sins hes commited in his almost 13 years of life :) this all sounds very dark but honestly it's silly the three religious figures i was on about are also in a poly marriage so slay for them, they're all kinda confused on why Wren is even in limbo when hes technically not dead, and Wren and one deity in particular, Darcy, have the dynamic of like. Enemies but they can do stupid bickering sometimes if it's for comedic purposes 💀

Anyway this is obviously a fake religion I've come up with but still don't have a name for yet, but it takes the same sort of format as deity work/hellenism but was originally more heavily based on catholicism, specifically surrounding religious guilt and like cleansing of sins and purgatory and all that sort of thing. The polycule consists of Darcy as mentioned who's like. The babygirl ever picture a twink with too much power on his hands that's Darcy, and he's the one who's most out for Wren if that makes sense. Then there's Seraphim his loving husband who is the odd one out of the three because he is actually an angel :) or angel adjacent I haven't figured that one out yet, and finally the goddess Marigold (Mari), who also doesn't get much of a spotlight in suih but she plays a huge role in Sacreligium so all is good. There is so much more I could say on these characters and their story and I've not even scratched the surface for suih let alone Sacreligium but I'm just happy to share my oc lore with someone ajdjwjjdhwb so thank you dear friend who I've never spoken to before but we are dear friends now I have just shared some of my most beloved sillies with you :)/lh

OMG THE SILLIES!!!!! i'm honored to be one of the people getting to hear about them ^^ OMG I love the poly deities poking at wren like a lab rat lmao also MARI MENTIONED!!!! OMORI REFERENCE /lh

im super invested!!!! you should. cough. tell me more /nf PLEASE

[mtbluecat]

DAY 3 (favourite clans/archetypes)

today's prompt is just a long textpost + my competitive decklists lmaoooooo since somewhere down the line, i accidentally became a sweaty tryhard vanguard player

warning: this post is really long but i would appreciate if even one person reads my ramblings about projecting onto characters really hard and my descent into coping the tcg full-time

tl;dr i like luard and shiranui a very normal amount

shadow paladin - luard

i definitely can't go without first mentioning my eternal main, shadow paladin luard. and there is a story behind this except it's like half just me being unhinged and projecting really hard but what is that but the spirit of vanguard itself. so i sat down to learn the actual tcg a while back and i was like "okay i need an avatar card. whomst will do" and eventually settled on luard since i liked his card art/aesthetic and his premise being "a member of this group of wizard researchers who study how to shapeshift into dragons". as a researcher and as a fan of shadow paladin from ever since i started watching this show, i was sold. oh yeah i also read the luard lore sometime after this (forgor how long after) but yeah i was definitely committed after that lmaooo yall should go read his lore you will not regret it hslkdfjklsdjlsk

at some point i also rewatched g next and for some reason, i noticed kazuma a lot more that time and the projection became real. like. man. we're a lot alike and at some points it was honestly kinda uncomfortable to watch but i think that also changed my perspective a bit lmao. anyway i'll be cringe i'll own it: my avatar card is luard.

if yall are interested in my v-prem list here it is: https://decklog-en.bushiroad.com/view/LKRM

nubatama - shiranui

so like when i watched g next for the first time, the character i did the most projecting on was actually kazumi, not kazuma. nowadays it's a pretty good mix of both + luard, but i am also very much attached to kazumi and his deck.

tbf the main reason why i picked it up was because i thought dominate was a really funny mechanic and also i first built it in vgzero (rip that game btw) because it was meta and also can be pulled from one set. but like. i really liked playing it in zero and it was the only deck i mained from that point forth. flash forward to when they announced history collection (histcolle) in en and all my competitive player friends were talking about nui making its way back into the meta and i was like "wait this is perfect actually zero is dying but i can finally learn premium with a deck i like".

anyway the deck is really fun except when rinne just rips out your opponent's shield tickets smodge. my only "complaint" is that when people lose to nui they are unreasonably saltier than if they lose to any other deck. it's the villain deck curse i think but at the same time it's pretty funny to watch people mald over mizukaze.

uhh the decklist is honestly probably gonna change but i'm pretty happy with it rn: https://decklog-en.bushiroad.com/view/9CWP

[something-pithy]

Notes and an Update: Astarion, Tav, and Trauma in Stories

Pictured above: actual footage of trauma response from Astarion (j/k! kinda!) to catch your eye :D

Hey glittercats and cosmic kittens!

So I've definitely been neglecting the updates here, which I'm going to try to do better with.

We're up to Chapter 11 on this bad boy, and I've adjusted the anticipated chapter count to 30 (but honestly it's probably still all lies because I have absolutely no sense of how much writing each point on my outline ends up being loool).

I have a DOPE beta who's fucking amazing both in terms of conventions and idea partnership and I'm telling you right now, this story is so much better for having their hands and eyes on it.

SOME CONTENT WARNING STUFF RE: THIS CHAPTER:

Alcohol use disorder (AUD) and symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

.

.

.

MORE DETAILS ON THIS -- SPOILERS AHEAD, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

So hopefully that's enough room for people who don't want to be spoiled to escape!

So I'm going to copy/paste the end note on the story, and expand on it a little bit.

So, although Tav is a "good drunk," as Frank Gallagher might put it, she is 1000% engaging in pretty serious substance abuse, or to be more specific in this chapter, alcohol use disorder. I'm not going to go into the way this story is going to approach mental and behavioral health disorders and trauma; hopefully it will speak for itself. Suffice it to say substance abuse and trauma are not the central subject of this story, but also, Astarion and Tav as they exist in this little pocket dimension of the BG3 universe have been impacted by the trauma they've each experienced both together and as individuals. In general, the impact of trauma can look and feel a lot of ways. Sometimes it's horrifying, sometimes it's heartbreaking, sometimes it's rage-inducing - but let's be honest, sometimes that shit is funny, too, because humor is such an incredible survival tactic / coping mechanism. Even if sometimes we're laughing at shit that shouldn't be funny. (Maybe especially then.) This story isn't going to be an after-school special or a PSA. It's a story about people, and sometimes people are fucked up (literally and figuratively). Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox now. If this has activated you, or you have earnest questions or concerns about what's going on in this story / with these characters, or you just want to shoot the shit, hit me up on my tumblr. There might be more notes there on this eventually, but for now, this chapter actually took a lot out of me and I'm still out here with these perpetual COVID symptoms, so... lol NOT TONIGHT. As always, thank y'all for reading, kudosing, and commenting.

OK, so I may have lied about the no notes part... but honestly, in re-reading that note, I think it kind of gets to the point.

But ALSO...

I've been a geek on the internet for a long, long time. I've engaged with different fan-based writing and roleplaying communities (tabletop, chat-based, forum-based, butt-based -- EVERYTHING) for pretty much the entire time.

"The Tragic Backstory" seems like it's been A Whole Thing since people started creating characters whether for roleplay or stories.

I think times have changed somewhat, but back in the day I ran in circles where a lot of thoughts about writing, creating characters, roleplay, etc. coexisted somewhat peacefully, but an old chestnut that consistently (maybe without fail) turned up in any conversation that involved Writers of Quality was a contingent of folks who had deep disdain for The Tragic Backstory.

I'm talkin' some deep, scathing, elitist shit, my beautiful people.

And I'm not gonna lie to you! This is approximately ten thousand years ago (no but seriously, decades), and honestly, I was up in those conversations, too, throwing around my disdain, assured by my fellow elitists that even though I frequently employed some form of Tragic Backstory, it was OK when I did it because it was good.

I mean in retrospect, it's kinda bullshit. There's always gonna somebody who's gonna think your shit's good, and there's also always gonna be somebody who thinks they're a Better Writer Than You who's gonna think your shit is... well, shit.

Not gonna lie, I still have very strong and particular preferences when it comes to the fic I read in general, and that includes backstory.

But over time, I got progressively less insecure (not just about my writing, but in general) and consequently less concerned with judging writing that's not my flavor as "bad" or "shitty" or "juvenile" (looool seriously, I was a dick) and more concerned with finding and creating writing that is my flavor.

However, and I don't think I'm going to apologize for it, some dickish tendencies linger in my soul. I'm going to try and frame these thoughts in terms of what compels me in a story I'm reading and what I do (or try to do) in my own writing.

This is a very long way of saying if something I say (or have already said) makes you feel like I'm coming for your neck, please know that I'm not.

My thoughts and/or opinions may cause you or someone you love to feel Some Type of Way. That is not my intention. I have no desire to:

Yuck anyone's yum

Contribute to or activate the crippling self-doubt that plagues almost every creative I've ever met

Be a dick.

Having said all that, I do have Thoughts on This Matter.

People write for a lot of reasons, but I'm fairly convinced that nobody's doing it with any level of purity. There are tons of incredible, beautiful, moving stories that feature a whole-ass Self-Insert, maybe even the dreaded Mary Sue.

(lol lookin' at you Dante's Inferno, Tyrion Lannister from A Song of Ice and Fire, and countless others lol)

People write to explore topics and themes that interest them, that compel them, that they see recurring in the world around them and/or their own lives.

One of those things is trauma.

In my writing, I approach trauma, disordered behaviors, dysfunction, dysregulated emotions, etc. (topics both of great interest to me and, not coincidentally, ones with which I have a great deal of personal experience) from a place of wanting fervently to tell the truth.

And I'm pretty good writing some things that feel true.

But I know that in some ways, I've shied away from harder truths; from using my writing and the characters I create not only as reflections of what I see in the world, but as accurate (rather than idealized) reflections of myself.

Because of this, while I've explored redemption arcs in roleplaying games (where being cheesy or facile or juvenile or fulfilling personal fantasies felt much safer than on a page), I've skirted neatly around it, I think, in my writing (for the most part). Because I absolutely was the girl who wanted to "save" or "fix" the wounded (and emotionally unavailable, and/or abusive, and/or toxic) lover. I wanted stories about it. I wanted to roll around in that narrative, bathe in it, eat it up for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

All while occupying the role/perspective of The Good One / The Good Girl whether in a game or in a story I was consuming.

But it's not the truth. Not the whole truth, at least. Not for me, anyway.

My admiration, respect, regard, and all the other good words for the writing and acting in Baldur's Gate 3 cannot be overstated. Each of the "origin" characters (and honestly, any character "Tav" has the opportunity to even have a conversation with, much less spend a significant amount of time with) is thoughtfully and truthfully written. I see this more in some than others, but that depth and breadth of understanding about human beings -- sorry, sentient beings -- shows up all over the place and honestly I almost can't stand how much I love it.

I'm not going to say that there's no character I feel this as deeply with as Astarion, but... idk, sometimes.

But there's no need to quantify this. Astarion is one of a number of characters from the game that I'm low-key obsessed with.

As such, when I decided to take on the story outcome in which, in my opinion, he throws all the growth, all the processing, all the truth and reconciliation I saw him moving toward in the game into a fucking woodchipper, I did not want it to be easy.

I get wanting it to be easy, and there are delicious, delicious fics out there that go this route. I think anybody who writes Ascendant Astarion at least flirts with it.

And it's not a binary; it's not either, "OMG this is completely uncomplicated, I love you I'm your spawn and it's just like if you hadn't ascended except your SUPER EXTRA POWERFUL AND SEXY AND HOT AND WHOOPS THERE GO MY PANTIES" (which, tbh... lool I'm not mad at) or "ASTARION IS IRREDEEMABLE LET ME WRITE OF HIS TRAGIC DEMISE AND TAV'S TRAGIC WITNESS TO IT / ENGINEERING OF IT." Which I'm ALSO not mad at, because THOSE THINGS CAN BE TRUE.

But while I'm subscribed to some stories that follow those paths or ones like them, and when I get that notification it's time to STOP THE PRESSES bc mama needs to READ, for me the challenge of this is if I'm going to continue Astarion and Tav's love story (or rekindle it lol), I want to honor the four years of intense character work Neil Newbon and Stephen Rooney and honestly the whole goddamn BG3 team from soup to nuts have done by considering "What would really happen here" as brutally as possible.

Komo, my incredible thought partner-cum-beta, can tell you about the pages of back and forth between us about "fml, how can we make this story work and maintain fidelity to the integrity* of these characters???? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY"

*not personal integrity -- meta shit. The integrity of their arcs, development, personalities, histories, traumas, etc.

SO. Back to trauma.

I said in my end note for chapter 11 that this story is not an after-school special (which looool probably at least some of you are like wtf are you talking about my dude and I'm like looooool omg life before kids were a whole target demographic unto themselves - kind of lol) or a PSA.

Which alludes to the fact that YES, I want to tell the truth about the ugliness of this relationship and the individuals in it with nuance and empathy and sensitivity; that I want to write about the pain and harm and longing and ache and all of it in ways that are neither hyperbolic nor diminishing.

But also, look, my darling motherfuckers, my comrades in fuckery, whoever's made it this far into this rambling monster of a -- whatever the fuck this is lool -- PEOPLE WHO HAVE TRAUMA ALSO HAVE FUN.

SOMETIMES EVEN WHEN THEY ARE ENGAGING IN BEHAVIORS THAT ARE DESTRUCTIVE TO THEMSELVES AND/OR OTHERS.

I don't think I've sufficiently unpacked this part to dig down much deeper into it, but what I will say is that this is not going to be a passion play about Poor Tav or Drugs Are Bad, Mmkay? or anything else.

What this is going to be (or at least, what I passionately want it to be) is -- framed with a delicious little fake-dating muffin of an emotional MacGuffin -- a portrait of some people in all (or lordt jebus please let me achieve at least MOST) of their complexity.

ALL OF IT.

Lordt Baby Jebus, Allah, Milal, Great Spaghetti Monster, ANYBODY

(not Lolth lol)

hear my prayer!

Aight, that's all I've got for today. <3

If you made it this far, PM me and tell me something you want to see in the story! I'll make you a treat.

And if it don't fit in the story, I might be able to make a li'l drabble happen.

COMING SOON to Writing Notes Storytime:

Identity in this story and in stories in general

The Good, the Bad, and the Neutral: Alignment and Astarion (and some other ppl, too!) in BG3, DnD, and This Story lol

Stuff I'm forgetting bc I'm STILL not over this never-ending COVID fuckery

[boghermit]

8.Durge is clearly a skilled master of their craft, but would they ever consider taking an apprentice? Perhaps they already did? Or would they absolutely detest those who yet lack skill and prefer they attain it on their own?

11.Bhaal is widely hated or feared, as are Bhaalspawn, but what does Durge think about that notion? Would they hunt down anyone who dares speak I'll of their father, or could they not care any less? Do they perhaps revel in that fear and hatred?

12.If Durge knew they'd lose all their memories in the future, what would they think? Would they weep for their treasured moments or perhaps even feel delighted about forgetting a dreaded past?

16.In general, how does your Durge cope with stress, life, and the things that happened? How did it affect them? Are there any lasting effects from an outburst once?

20.Bhaal was a netherese arcanist. Does Durge, considering they're made from Bhaals flesh, consider themselves to be netherese? Have they ever thought about these things or do they simply not care?

Sorry this took me so long, and thanks for the asks!

8. Durge is clearly a skilled master of their craft, but would they ever consider taking an apprentice? Perhaps they already did? Or would they absolutely detest those who yet lack skill and prefer they attain it on their own?

Salem advised a lot of Bhaalists, but never directly trained a special apprentice. He preferred to leave initiates to their own devices. Given his relationship to Orin, it’s probably for the best that he didn’t have a bunch of other well-trained Bhaalists gunning for his position.

11.Bhaal is widely hated or feared, as are Bhaalspawn, but what does Durge think about that notion? Would they hunt down anyone who dares speak I'll of their father, or could they not care any less? Do they perhaps revel in that fear and hatred?

Prior to the Nautiloid, Salem wore the fear and hatred of Bhaal and Bhaalspawn as a badge of pride, and masked the small bit of shame he felt. During BG3, he disowns both his father and his heritage. I haven’t really thought about how he deals with it post-BG3. Would he be open about it? Would he shamefully hide it? Maybe he only brings it up when he knows his old life and impulses might put someone in danger?

12.If Durge knew they'd lose all their memories in the future, what would they think? Would they weep for their treasured moments or perhaps even feel delighted about forgetting a dreaded past?

He was simultaneously pissed and gracious about the impromptu lobotomy thing. Pissed because he got shoved off of his throne, gracious because he never wanted it in the first place. He could do without the permanent brain damage, though.

If we're talking about if he lost his NEW memories, he'd be pretty broken. He likes the new memories he's made. (Most of them, anyway.)

16.In general, how does your Durge cope with stress, life, and the things that happened? How did it affect them? Are there any lasting effects from an outburst once?

Oh, he’s sooo bad at coping with everything to do with his past life. If he didn’t have Astarion and the gang to guide him, he’d probably drink himself to death or just fall back into the cult. He’s doing his damnest to make up for everything, but he never feels like it’s enough. It’s a shame Larian doesn’t want to do DLC. I would love an in-depth look at how things play out for a redeemed Durge in canon lore.

I don't think he's had any major outbursts since Alfira and Kressa Bonedaughter, but I could see him relapsing.

20.Bhaal was a netherese arcanist. Does Durge, considering they're made from Bhaals flesh, consider themselves to be netherese? Have they ever thought about these things or do they simply not care?

Oh shit, I was totally unaware of that lore! That’s pretty cool! I honestly don’t know enough about the Netherese to be able to tell you what Salem would think of it, but it’d probably be low on his priority list.

[cold--carnage]

my beef with the hard kink communities on tumblr

content warning for obvious reasons, but I won't really be going into much detail about anything specific anyway.

wanna preface that this is in no way a kink shaming post. this is about my experiences with these types of content as someone who has experienced sexual assault and is close to others with similar trauma (I honestly don't have the worst of it, most of this is written on behalf of my headmates). I've read in a lot of places, that using these hard kinks are a way of taking control of your trauma and healing from what you've gone through. and that's honestly really cool if you're able to do that and make it safe for you. BUT. many survivors of such trauma ARE NOT able to use these kinds of things in a therapeutic way, and seeing the content just creates further trauma.

so when a person says "please do not interact with me if you post/engage with hard kink content" you really need to respect that boundary. because otherwise you're picking open wounds and causing problems.

for example, our host Seb has csa trauma, and being exposed to content that sexualizes childhood innocence and that innocence being taken advantage of, is extremely traumatic for him to see. my headmate and boyfriend Poison has history with just about every kind of sa under the sun, so naturally seeing any of this stuff has extremely negative effects on his state of mind. naturally I've blocked as many hard kink tags as possible, especially the ones that are specifically triggering for us, but there's only so much that we can do in terms of protecting ourselves. and even in the past, on other blogs that we've since deactivated, Seb had put a clear and very explicit DNI on the top of his blog, to make it as clear as possible what his boundaries were. we haven't had this page long enough to set that up again but I'll probably be updating the pinned post soon for everyone's safety.

DNI or not, with subject matter like this, you should just assume that a stranger is not comfortable with seeing it until you've gotten clear confirmation that they are. the default assumption with a subject that's so triggering should be to keep it contained, and it pisses me off that that's not common practice on here. the average person is extremely uncomfortable talking about things like sa and rape, so it's really just a good idea to use trigger warnings and take precautions to contain this content within the communities that are comfortable experiencing it.

people set boundaries for a reason, and if you are one of those aforementioned people who uses these things as a coping mechanism, then you should be able to understand how painful it is when you're forced to remember things that you can't handle. and to everyone else, you're still (hopefully) grown ass adults, and should have the common sense to just not push your stuff on people who have made it clear that they cannot handle it. of course, honest mistakes are sometimes made, and that's fine. but if a boundary is set, and these things are known, and you KNOWINGLY expose people to content that they've said is triggering for them, then you need to seriously reconsider your behavior.

tldr: some people can handle hard kink, and some people really cannot. when boundaries are set, they need to be respected, because this kinda thing is incredibly delicate, and when done wrong can cause a lot of damage.