#honestly i'd love to talk about it so much and i do even if no one prompts me but if someone ever did that'd be so hard. to avoid spoilers.
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I understand it, too.
I genuinely do find Solas attractive, albeit in a different way. I would love to romance him with a different character someday---I just wish we got Solas for who he truly was from the start of that romance or that the truth had come out earlier. I'm good at avoiding spoilers, and I hadn't known he would betray the Inquisitor, nor had I even known you couldn't romance him as a human. I had actually gone in fully expecting Mira to flirt with him a little (I knew nothing about Cullen's romance at the time and had always heard Solas was the way to go), but that's simply not how their dynamic played out anyway.
I have no doubt his and Lavellan's is an enthralling story in DA:I, and I would at some point like to experience it. I fully understand the appeal. I would fully be there myself with the right character and mindset.
Solas is captivating. He's someone you could talk with for hours on end about the most abstract concepts, but there's always that small sense of him keeping his distance (even before the topic ever comes up). Even I knew there was more he wasn't saying by the way he dodged questions and some of the dialogue between him and other companions. Though for someone who didn't know better, that could've simply meant he was far more powerful than he let on, knew more than he let on, likely older than he seemed, and wanted to protect himself. The whole, "elven god of lies" thing was a bit more of a twist than I'd anticipated. A secret, ancient elf hiding some things I can do, especially if those layers get peeled back over time. I'm less sure about elven Loki.
I think it truly would've been interesting had it gone a bit more in the direction of Children of Fallen Gods/Mother of Death and Dawn (which, some have noticed, draws some considerable parallels to Solavellan in ways that can't be considered coincidence). Without bringing too many spoilers to the forefront of the conversation, there is some...mutual awareness and corruption that occurs between Totally-Not-Solas and Totally-Not-Lavellan. The power dynamic's more balanced and decision making more...comparable to some degree.
(I am not, by the way, blaming Solas or pointing any fingers at anyone regarding their power dynamics in DA:I).
Solas is the guy whose beauty (if you lean that way at all) isn't quite as noticeable until you get into a really deep discussion with him and realize your heart's beating a little too quickly and you're definitely sitting closer to him now than you were before. He draws you in. He piques your curiosity a bit too much.
I truly do not factor in looks at all (within reason---I'm blatantly partial to humans, elves, fae, vampires, etc.) when I play games with romance options. Solas (in theory; I played as a human, which negates the option) would've been every bit as high up on my to-romance list as Cullen. In truth, he was higher just because he was the one I knew so many were obsessed with. Just because Cullen caught my eye faster didn't mean he and my Inquisitor would've been a good match.
But wow, were they.
I easily lean more towards the "Solas-is-attractive" camp in general. Honestly, I love the fact that the romance options in DA:I were so different and unique from each other. Any players who chose to pursue a romance could find one that suited their characters perfectly. I like that there are a range of personalities, dynamics, and looks, and that there's good variety.
For me personally, nothing in that particular game will ever top Cullen's just because it's so incredibly hyper-specific to every little thing I love and value most even in real life. It's perfect for Mira's story; she is, admittedly, a lot like me. I couldn't believe a romance like that even existed in a game (and you already know why/the many layers I'm referring to).
Yet I also know there are plenty who wouldn't like his romance at all and vastly prefer Solas (or someone else in general).
That's the beauty of it, though.
But, yeah..."ugly?" That's not even a word I'd consider for Solas at all.
Dragon Age: The Veilguard | ā¶ dev. Bioware
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I can't stop thinking about Prime and Rescue Bots sharing a universe. Like what all did the Rescue Bots know about during the war. Do they know about Unicron, Team Prime's base getting destroyed, do they even know Smokescreen exists? Same goes for Team Prime. When did each member find out about the Rescue Bots (if they found out), how often did Optimus think about just letting his Dino-bot side out during a battle, did they worry about M.E.C.H. finding out about them? This universe makes me absolutely feral with things like this and I love it.
Honestly I'm pretty sure they didn't even register Unicron happening because disasters are just the natural state of griffin rock. "Oh another earthquake? Yeah okay, let's go fellas, we got work."
They likely didnt know about the base being destroyed until after they relocated just with how often the bots try to get a hold of team prime and reach nobody until whichever fiasco is happening is over.
They definitely know about most of team prime just with how much they knew about Bumblebee alone, but they likely only learned about Smokescreen if Blades and Bumblebee talk outside of necessary-for-work comms.
Honestly I'm pretty sure all of team prime knows about griffin rock even if they don't get an episode there. If it's restricted information to, say, Arcee and Bulkhead, then its a bit confusing that Optimus would freely reveal it to Bumblebee when he ranks lower. And we know Ratchet is aware of them since he had to help find a cure for the paralytic virus in the first bumblebee episode. I'd guess he debriefed the others on the new bots and the griffin rock project right after they touched down to earth for the first time.
I truly, genuinely, honestly believe Optimus should've gone dinobot mode at some point during prime but either that episode came out after the show already ended or they just did not have the budget to model a full t rex mode. But in the timeline where things lined up just the right way to allow it to happen, please imagine with me: dinobot Optimus vs predaking. T rex vs a dragon. Somewhere in the multiverse, beast wars Megatron is weeping.
As for MECH's involvement, I think it's actually implied Morocco has been selling them tech. There's a nonzero chance Nemesis Prime used a Morbot as a base and they modified it from there after they learned enough about cybertronian anatomy to make a copy of prime.
All in all the Ramifications of these shows being so deeply intertwined has me FUCKED UP and I want to see the two teams hanging out so so so badly. Boulder, Graham and Bulkhead all getting to talking and finding out about Bulkhead's construction experience and being like legitimately hyped that they have that in common, and then Bulkhead having a full on out of body experience because hey wait why are the smart guys treating him like he's One of Them and not calling him dumb? Arcee and Heatwave shooting the shit about how frustrating the people they live with can be, but they still love their teams to death. Both of them snarking at Kade. Blades and Bumblebee being Gay on Main alnd Jack, Raf and Miko clamoring for DETAILS while Dani cheers them on. Ratchet being miserable because by Primus why are there so many humans, three of them is already exhausting, until Cody starts talking to him and he conveniently forgets his plan to go hide out in his room. Chase being out of his depth around Miko, aka Chaos Personified. Optimus, June, Fowler and Charlie just slowwwly forming a Tired Parents Club in the corner.
In conclusion your honor I liek when the funni robot shows crossover :]
#maccadam#transformers#tfp#rescue bots#optimus prime#ratchet#bulkhead#arcee#bumblebee#jack#raf#miko#cody burns#chief burns#kade burns#dani burns#graham burns#heatwave#blades#boulder#chase#smokescreen#predaking#they make me unwell your honor
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congratulations to Mme. Pascale Leclerc, who has surely just experienced both the funniest and most unhinged weekend a mother could ever have. Dear fucking christ, I hope your middlest son brought you a bottle of champagne for yourself, ma'am.
#kazoo noises#charles leclerc#cl16#monaco gp 2024#zoomies posting#sports posting#like man. where to begin. one of your racecar children is back in town for the weekend. he has yet to have a truly good work#weekend it seems in town. now this year. we're feeling ourselves a bit. we're feeling optimistic even. and then ur son becomes talk of town#because he keeps doing fucking bits on twitter about adopting his coworker who is friends with your youngest son. this goes on long enough#for actual reporters to comment on it. no one is willing to blink first so by friday night we've yes-anded ourselves to a grandson#(congratulations mme leclerc)#things go well. and then at qualifying they go DAMN WELL#BETTER THAN EVER REALLY! but man. im superstitious. i dont trust shit until its over and the dust has cleared#(the adoption jokes have continued by the way) and MEANWHILE everyone is eyeing that starting grid. were humming. we're making vague hand#gestures when commenting. we're all thinking. Maybe? (the streets can hear u tho. keep it down)#race starts. lap one CHAOS. so many fucking crashes. i'd faint if i had a child even in karting honestly.#(every parent in this sport deserves a prescription for laudanum)#but he's not in it. hes at the front. and he. well. he just Stays There. Through It All. and the laps tick down. until the race is run. and#there he is. your middlest son. cross the line and into the books. first place. home town. what curse indeed. thats your boy!!!!!!!! THERE!#they play the radio of him winning and the audio is peaked because he screams out so loudly. you can hear the water in the laughter.#later theres gonna be videos and photos taken of him pushing his boss into the harbor and diving right in after the man. those photos are#gonna be fucking studied in photography classes one day. and STILL! everyone involved with that goofy joke about him adopting his coworker#(who. despite all the silliness of the race stayed second place and got a podium) is still carrying the bit like a baton relay. Do you have#him over for family dinner? might as well add a plate i guess! people are joking about your youngest son having two nephews? a dog born#maybe a month ago and a man born about... what twenty three years and about a month ago? fuck it! family dinner#sorry this bit got away from me but as someone who loves my homecity and my mom so much it might actually be like.#a visible growth inside my body if they do an autopsy on me at time of death or like. my love will eat me alive. sometimes the charratives#gets to me#anyway cheers mme leclerc i hope you party so fucking hard this week
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i love my sister and for the most part, we are very close and genuinely like each other a lot but the one place where i'd just really, really, really like to see inside her brain is the part where she is still incredibly comfortable and cheerfulāand even thinks it's really funnyātalking about how much she didn't like me as a child while I'm like. yes. I am and was aware. and it sucked so so so much
#we had a really wild moment over dinner last week where she actually acknowledged#EXPLICITLY with her OWN WORDS#that things like our brother dying right when i was going into my senior yr of high school#and covid lockdown starting right when i'd graduated college + moved to a new city where i knew no one except her + was applying/auditionin#for jobs#were harder on me than one her in some unique ways#and i was literally like . is. is this a test? am i supposed to deny it?#bc like when our brother died she told me i was a selfish brat (for not grieving the way she did)#and during covid she told me (right after i got laid off) that she had ''way more reasons to be depressed'' than i did#personal#anyway she was laughing so much as she said this (abt not liking me) and i was just staring at her nodding slightly like#yeah. i know. i know you didn't like me#do YOU know how much it sucks to know that your older sister--whom you idolize--who you *desperately* want to like you--#not only doesn't like you at all#but even up into high school/college#would talk about how she couldn't wait till our LITTLE (five year old) cousins were old enough to hang because they'd be so much fun#and know that she had absolutely never thought or said that about you#do you perhaps! think that might still have ramifications on our relationship to this day#if your little sister spent 20+ years knowing that your love was conditional on them being the person you wanted her to be#like. do u???#(the answer is no of course but#i remain boggled by the fact that this eludes her considering she is! in fact! a really smart person!)#it's also like when i was first offered my current job#and our now bosses asked both of us like ''are you worried at all about working with your sister?''#and she laughed like lol no of course not?#while i was like ''honestly yes.'' adskjfglkjasds#very different perspectives sometimes
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Janus yelped at the slap, but he continued to hold firm in his bite. He shook his head while biting the hand, hoping to draw some blood. And he was holding firm...until he was kicked. The first kick didn't do much to him, but when the man landed a kick on his stomach he coughed and choked. He landed on the ground, groaning and holding his stomach. But, his eyes widened upon seeing the muzzle, he tried to scoot away from the man. "Stop it! No! Leave me alone!" He stood up and rushed over to Roman. He snarled as he tried to undo the knots holding Roman in place. "Come on, come on! Why won't these come loose!"
"You weren't allowed to have beer?" Remus huffed, "Your old master must've been very boring if he didn't even let you have some beer. Even I let Janus have a few sips every so often. Oh? You think so too?" He chuckled, "It may be more expensive, but it's worth it, don't you think? There's also some whiskey in there. You want to try whiskey?"
But then he paused at pattons questions, he sucked in a deep breath. "Ugh... Fine... Alright... I don't think you're cursed though. If anything, I'd say you're lucky. Your last master was a piece of shit if he didn't even let you have a few sips of beer. So, think of him as you traded an old hand for a better one. You traded that shit for better shit that...under unfortunate circumstances he hasn't been traded a good hand. But that's alright! Once we save him you'll get to have your better hand back! And so will he! But..."
Remus sighed as he moved to sit on the floor so he wouldn't have to keep bending down to talk to Patton anymore. "I guess...I should save my brother... But fuck... I'm just...tired of him..." He rubbed his eyes, "My entire life I've had to take care of his ass. I guess thinking of him being out of my hair for just a little while...sounds kinda nice, honestly... Despite how shitty that sounds... Like... I love him... But he relies on me too much. You get what I'm talking about? Eh... Probably not." He took a sip of his beer. "But it's worth a shot I guess..."
Patton knocked desperately at the strangers door, praying someone, anyone was home. His heart beat as fast and loud as the rain thundering against the sidewalk. He was sure he was being followed, they were going to catch him. They were going to drag him back. He wasn't sure if whoever lived here might be worse, but he was willing to risk it at this point. Anything to escape.
{@moralpuppylover2}
Janus didn't know who would be at the door. It was late, but his master won't surely be home at this time. He normally doesn't get home until the sun starts to come up.
So, as the dog hybrid walked up to the door and opened it, he wondered who it could be. And if he should open it at all... Who knows, he may get in trouble with his master for opening the door. But, his curiosity was getting the better of him-
He stopped when he saw the soaking wet cat standing at the doorway. He could tell that this cat needed help almost immediately. Well, if his poor state of clothes were anything to go by. His eyes flickered up and down the sidewalk before he grabbed pattons arm and pulled him inside.
"are you alright?" Janus nervously asked as he grabbed a towel from the mud room. "Well, that's a stupid question, of course you're not alright! Are you...running away from your owners?" As Janus walked, the collar around his neck would jingle loudly. And even though it was cold outside and even in the house, he only had a pair of boxers on. Because of that, Patton would be able to see the numerous large scars that covered his body...and the countless amounts of fresh bruises.
@moralpuppylover2
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this is a good time for all of us to remember when I said I would be ready to sing the show's praises if it got better at the things i disliked it for
#everyone called me a bitter hater but no! that show was bad!#it had potential. but that's why i was so hard on it. it wasn't reaching its potential. and now it's doing that and i think that's great#i haven't rewatched yet but i just want to be so clear about the fact that i was never just a hater and i said it all the time#people were so mean to me but i wasn't lying when i said i'd be happy if it got better#i might not even nitpick the race stuff. which. didn't really improve. the girlies just got protective styles#they did that whole thing with elle's transness and nothing about how her blackness intersects there#also tara. it would be so much fun to see how her being black and specifically darkskin plays into her perfectionism#she's darkskin. in fucking ballet. be so fucking for real with me rn. where have you ever even seen that. who is her role model. is she ok#...i still like the direction it's going. but they really still didn't talk about race. which sucks#but honestly now that they're giving the characters more depth i'm less mad at it. they're people not just 2d stereotypes#it'd be cool if they were blacker than just their hairstyles but it's ok. it's progress#see. they didn't even fix all the stuff i want them to fix. and i'm not just being a hater#the people cyberbullying the teenager who didn't 100% love the 30-year-olds' favorite TV show were the real haters all along :pensive:#who knew
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if i might bitch about work for a second: yesterday was hellishly bad despite being able to keep up with it and i found out that apparently our department made 4600 dollars yesterday which is making me angry beyond belieffffffff
#this is math i do fairly often bc i enjoy ho-hum math and hate my job and like#even if we took off 2000 bucks for overhead costs which feels excessive but i will concede it#that would be enough to pay everyone working a little over 860 dollars which is 300 more than what i make in a WEEK#literally WHEREEEEE IS IT WHERE IS IT GOING WHERE IS IT#i dont like following this logic through because on days where there are fewer orders we;d do less#and i disagree with gig work's implementation as ive seen it and i think that would stress people out worse than we already are#(which is significantly)#but at the same time. 850 dollars. i cant afford to buy groceries this week. 850 dollars...#can i get a BONUS or SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#it makes me soooo angry i was talking to one of the deli guys who asked for a raise and got denied mid-question#before our director accidentally showed him that their department is four thousand of gods own dollars under labor#its so revolting to me i talk to so many people in this store who are terrified because of medical bills or rent or car shit#half my department works two jobs just to get by and ALL OF THEM drive junkers#honestly one of the things thats scaring me about if i actually move out is that i do rely on...living with my mom#i pay for most of my own food i pay an absurd amount of rent to share a room with her but she's willing to drive me to work#even though i've offered to walk multiple times and she REALLY should prioritize her own time more#but at the same time...not having to pay for rides has been carrying me hard#if i got a car i'd be fucked because those things bleed money and generally ethically i disagree with cars#but if i dont its like okay pony up the money learn to navigate buses (except for sunday when they dont run) or get ready#to walk to your job where you walk all day and then walk home in the dark#which. i love walking. and listening to music on my own while walking. so bad example. but i also love not having my feet hurt#all the time always no matter what im doing which is something im becoming increasingly unfamiliar with#its like. ultimately. something's gonna get fucked no matter what#and then i hear a figure like 4600 and i remember how avoidable all of this shit is. how avoidable it is for ANY of us#our ceo is gonna walk away from this merger attempt with 5 billion dollars in safety-cushion money#the 10 top execs beneath him with 1 billion#and its just so. what can you even do. 5 billion. can a number like that even mean anything? how could you possibly need that much#850 dollars would be a lifechanging amount of money for me right now and im not even one of the worst off#its just. god. this world could be anything but what it is but its this and for what
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BANGER POST AGAIN !!!
I both hate and love the ambiguity. Because I'm tryna think back to Bjorn (who lived an incredibly short life omg) but the difference is he was brain dead and couldn't fight back. The retired characters aren't. So he must've found a way to keep them steady??
And omg??? How he'd feel WHEN he dies??? I didn't even think of that. But that is honestly such a good point.
Now everything past this point I'm just assuming things again
Wayne loves life and I believe it's because of the free will he gets. Death would mean the end to all that possibility and fun shit to do. He seems like the kinda person to make his own meaning to life than find one (to me, at least). I don't think he'd think about his mortality too much cause he just lives in the moment. He doesn't think about the future or past, he just goes through time as it is. Wanna add on more to this but my brain's overheating.
First death was blunt. No torture, no build up, no nothing. He was led out and just bled??? He also said help me even though he was in THAT state.
I'm spewing shit here but maybe he was begging cam to save him. (And I think he might've asked Robin to help? I forgot so I won't talk about it until I resetā¹ļø) I believe Wayne knows Cameron is Wayne is a pussy when it comes to confrontation so when Cam dies from an allergic reaction he caused, I doubt Wayne called for help with the possibility of Cam snitching. Then Cameron just comes back lol and they're back to pranks. Clearly he wants to live. He has a little hope that Cam would bring him back. And he does?? In short, the death was just that so Wayne had faith he'd be resurrected.
Second death, he does an oopsie and talks to justin. Then we see him help captive looking half dead and talking about how there's more people. Hear me out, what if Justin saw the retired cast get made into clones? I mean not literally. I don't think the captives would be kept in the same room as the one Justin would be experimenting in. He might've either seen how they struggled or possibly heard something (which also feels unlikely yk Justin might get soundproof walls or like uhh tranquilized them? (Sedated? Chloroform? Put them under anesthesia?What's the word?) idk I have too many thoughts on this).
The way Wayne looks is awful I can't even lie. No one can tell me he wasn't stressed out of his mind. But he's just been kept there? He either died by a bullet or by becoming Justin. But those deaths wouldn't just be quick. They had build up. And he might've lost hope and it didn't matter which way he got out of the situation, he just wanted to get out. So when he dies, he'd feel relief. But I'm still clinging onto the idea he doesn't want to lose his life so I'd think he'd so conflicted.
Then he's just brought back by the guy who saved him the first time. The same guy who killed him. Just brought back to suffer. Bitchy husk as a man I hope you don't come back. ( If he does I'm actually gonna be so pissed even though I love him mwah. Let him rest! )
I hate that I'm so invested in this.
AAAAAAAAA JUSTIN CASE UPDATE??? WHAT THE FUCK WHY DID HE JUST POST RHE SPOILERS TO THE NEXT INSTALLEMENT OF THE STROY RIGHT THERE INSREA DOF BEING LIKE YEAH IM DOING IT IM KILLING CAM RN FUCK ME (ron intended)
anywayssssss
nathaniel is dead, not very skibidi sigma of him at all but iām not too surprised, camās been trying to get rid of olā nathan for a WHILE (besides, look at his last name. it was inevitable)
cam added a mary sue self insert oc thatās basically a god into the cgcu whoās summoned by racism and sexual jokes. damn.
i get the ending and itās alright, but also seems anticlimactic. like cam shows up and tells justin ādude youāre a fictional made up character on the internet youāre already immortal šā and justinās like āoh fr then ig iāll stopā which isnāt that satisfying at all. i donāt like that ending the discordās ending (ask me for an invite link if ur interested in the server, weāre all very cool) is much better since yk. it has actual character development.
personally? i donāt like this ending much and i am unsatisfied. it might be better if he actually posts it but i still donāt like it much. if onlyā¦ā¦.i finished the goddamn animationā¦ā¦..ughhh
alsoā¦ā¦ā¦.max? whipping it out? right there? cam you better film this part or else /hj
#trying to remember when justin explained how he made clones.#did he inject something or???#also just read the fic u recommend and lord it has me tweaking i need more case studies (from gus specifically)#cameron gender#idc what anyone says even if it's canon Wayn didn't go through torture#He did in my mind idcc just LOOK AT HIM???#one foot in the grave.#i wish people could look into my brain and see all these cool ideas#i wish i could look into YOUR brain becuase thia is brilliant#like towards his death? he would feel like a weights been lifted off his shoulders but not really get why#he gives me vibes of idk whatās going on with my feels im just gonna ignore it and hope i feel better#<<<these tags omg you're so smart#like seriously you have so much intelligence#i might've gone a bit off topic somewhere#nothign brings people together like a hostage situation#maybe he talked with the others about their own lives#maybe they tried to find a reason for it all#idk#how long has justin been doing this#I feel like I'm just repeating points omg#give me an 5k word assignment and it's straight bulshit for twice the needed amount#i actually did that with less words and i got good scores for writing a lot#i miss when it was that simple
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sorry to everyone who's been missing me/waiting for something from me, i've been slipping in and out of depressive fog for a week or two (and in general have experienced significantly worse depression than normal for a couple years, but thatās another story)
i long to get back, too; a lot of things to read and ideas to write and people to talk to. love y'all, take care
#signed: vika's ghost#also i've caught a cold so there's that too#terribly sorry for being overdramatic i'm just... tired of being tired and i wanted to talk about it a little bit#it's very important for me to talk about everything that's wrong with me. i tend to avoid that but now i'm trying to learn and to make peace#creative drive and ability to hold thought-out conversations keep slipping out of my graps and it kinda hurts more#ā in a good cathartic sort of way but painful nonetheless ā to remember what they felt like at all#i miss wanting to work on my wip and i miss having the attention span to write out headcanon and i miss having headcanons#and i miss talking to my fandom friends#(i did it just last week but i already miss it. it's one of the things i'd like to be able to do every day)#and i miss the ability to connect with art and i miss the ability to focus on written word and i miss commenting#and i miss discussing ideas and i miss interacting and i miss having fun. god i just miss having fun.#kp my apologies for not making much progress on bb&b; myself my apologies for not writing any of my other wips or outlines or posts;#da gc gang my apologies for not following up on any of the things; every fic writer whose work ended up in my to-read pile IM SORRY#jack & kp specifically i love your stuff#also jack my apologies for taking a While; & the rd gc apologies for never writing out any of the cool au thoughts i'd had after some point#reallyļ¼i've been meaning to. everything requires way too much effort. everyone is so fun and i miss having fun#take careļ¼remember me fondlyļ¼i'll be backļ¼please stand by#if tomorrow morning i find this embarrassing i'll chalk it up to a fever or something.#idc i'm allowed to have it. world won't blow up if i'm embarrassing on the internet once or twice or honestly even forever#vikarambles#vent
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I'm not a "new musical theatre style music" person. Never have been.
Even when I was doing voice lessons, I'd steer towards the golden age or jazzy musical theatre songs. My voice teacher would have to drag me kicking and screaming towards adding anything new musical theatre to my repertoire. For a while, the most modern song in my book was I Know The Truth from Aida, and I wouldn't count that as new musical theatre style since I mean more the Pasek&Paul or Joe Iconis type.
And now I have an audition coming up for a small production of a show in that style and I'm supposed to sing a song in a similar style. And I'm looking at all my sheet music like... let me do some Cole Porter... or Gershwin... at least Sondheim please...
#look i do have SOME newer musicals in my book. but like i said. kicking and screaming.#i'm probably gonna end up doing 'I Think That He Likes Me' which is not IN a musical it's just new musical theatre style#as part of a songbook for some writing duo that i can't remember the name of and it's 2:45am so i can't care enough to look it up.#and it's the only one in my sheet music folder that i'm like 'ok. this is TRULY the right style' and i know it's good in my voice#and it's a cute song and i do like it and it definitely fits the overall vibe of the show#and though i haven't sung it in like 4 years i still remember 90% of the words and have time to study it before the audition#but while trying to find that song deep deep in my folder i pass by other songs i just love so much more#and i'm like ahhhhhhhh why#and i'm not even like 'god i hope i get it' (see A Chorus Line. that's more my type) i truly don't care if i'm cast or not#and yes i can technically audition with any song i could ever want it's just suggested to do the same style#but i know the entire creative panel who i'll be auditioning for and the last 2 times i auditioned for them i sang the same song#only because it's a GOOD song that fit both shows i was auditioning for (Can't Stop Talking About Him by Frank Loesser)#(perfect audition song since it's short at like 28 bars and you can pick the tempo and do a lot of character stuff)#(but see this is what i mean. like 1/3 of my entire sheet music folder is golden age musicals. then half is 60s-90s.)#(and then the last chunk are the few new-ish musical theatre and some pop music.)#(if i took performing more seriously i'd have a wider range but this is truly just for fun and just for me. so i do what i like.)#i don't want to go in for a 3rd audition with the same creative team and doing the same song. especially since it doesn't fit this time.#so once again. dragged kicking and screaming. over to new musical theatre territory. unwillingly.#if i get cast we'll have to see if the show itself even grows on me since honestly i think there's maybe 2 songs i like in it.#it's definitely not the worst new musical theatre style show but it's also not one that drew me in.#ok wait while looking through lists of 'new musical theatre' shows to find one i actually like (i think just Legally Blonde sorry guys)#(every other new musical in the last 20 years that i like did something interesting with the music like Come From Away)#i ended up finding out that apparently 13 was adapted into a netflix movie? when did that even happen?#i mean i don't care for that show either but i thought i was at least up to date on movie adaptations.
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i guess i need to have a "god i'm so awful and selfish and wrong and shameful for having attempted suicide" moment at least once a day for the foreseeable future
#hate it honestly#my coworker was telling me about her break up#which is bad like i know that shit hurts really i do#but then i got home and got hit by a wave of fuck. other ppl have normal problems like their love life. work struggles. etc#meanwhile i tried to kill myself (again) and just have to go on as if i didn't almost die?#i offered to listen and help her and i'd do it gladly if she takes up my offer#but it's kinda hysterical that i'm here trying to help other people when i can barely stay alive and feel an unspeakable amount of shame#about it#it's just bizarre. weird. headache inducing#like yeah i'm there listening to people's love problems and idk car issues which yes all difficult stuff but#meanwhile in my head it's like āshit. they don't even know i tried to kill myself to end my fucking life. what would they say if they didā#idk. lots of shame. i keep sayjng it here sorry i just don't know where else to lol will talk abt it in therapy but yknow#just started w this therapist there's only so much you can say in like 50 mins but maybe the 2nd session
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I hate allistics so fucking bad*. Autistic people will literally go "I'm pretty sure this guy has autism and at the very least you are demonizing autistic traits while you talk about him so could you talk about what he actually did wrong instead of how creepy, weird, insane, and psycho you think he is" and allistics will go "not all NTs are autistic, I'm not autistic and also I don't have a degree, nor am I this person's therapist but I'm pretty sure he has narcissistic personality disorder, another thing I don't have" bc he's low empathy and lied. Like fuck off. Autistic people saying "hey you're demonizing traits we have and it's very hurtful, just bc something would make you personally uncomfortable doesn't mean it's a moral failing" and getting the response "well actually it is and also it can't be autism bc autism is quirky so instead I'm going to demonize your traits passively while actively demonizing a different group of people bc they also make me uncomfortable" is fucked up.
This is an "I make NTs and occasionally NDs uncomfortable bc I am off putting and popular media likes yo act like there's something inherently wrong with me bc of things I can't control" safe space. If you're a freak and a weirdo and off putting, I love you.
*And if you're allistic and this doesn't apply, then it's not about you, congratulations, you're a rarity.
#like i can go grab screenshots if y'all want this is specifically about the response to Matthew on l0ve is blind#i did sensor love so it doesn't come up in that search idk if people on tumblr are into it but i'd rather not reach them if they are#i watched a recap/reaction vid by kennie and honestly might have to stop watching her bc she can't seem to help herself#yes he fucked up and was an asshole but that has nothing to do with most of the stuff they're calling him weird for#fucking sick of it#and even if he's not autistic they're very much talking about traits that a large portion of autistic people have#i was literally sitting their going 'wait but i do that thing that you hate and are calling weird and psychopathic'#edit: i will actually not go get screenshots bc they're super fucking triggering. people fucking suck
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Hi, just popping in to say I'm alive, still working on the next chapter and those ask responses, everything's good. |'D In case anyone was worried!
#i'm so sorry it's taking so long y'all#i'm just going through some INTENSELY STRESSFUL SHIT and it's taken a huge toll on me#but i'm doing my best i promise#i've had to take quite a few mental health breaks in the past few months#didn't help that a big part of the chapter was pretty difficult to write from a linguistic and technical perspective#but i've completed it!! now i just... gotta write the rest :'))))#maybe i'll do another poll for splitting the chapter or not because my god i am gonna finish this one in august at this rate#also random thoughts but#sometimes i think it'd be nice to join fnaf servers and meet and talk to people#make some more friends who love fnaf as well with whom i could talk and stuff#i keep going ''hmmm that'd be nice'' BUT#then i remember how i barely am active even on the server i am a mod for and i think of how big this fandom is#and i break into hives just thinking about it lmao#i don't want to be in a huge server i know it'll just stress me out and i'll end up muting it forever OTL#i perform so much better in little groups or one on one#but#to find these cool little groups or the cool people to talk to 1-on-1 i NEED to go through these hugeass servers and honestly no thank you#i am too autistic for this ;v;)#or maybe i am just growing old :'3#i know there are some very cool people who follow me (how did it even happen i do not know) who i'd love to reach out to#who probably don't even realize that we'd be mutuals if it wasn't for this being a sideblog i can't follow back from#and i kinda want to keep my main blog kinda private just for online living hygiene reasons#*long wistful sighing* ah well
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I so badly want to have more people in my life, but holy shit I'm so fucking bad at building relationships
#it's so tiring and exhausting and anxiety fueling#but also i love talking to people so much#i love hearing about what other people are doing and the things they love#it's just that i always feel like im doing it wrong#and it fills me with so much anxiety that i dread doing it even though i want to#like i finally started using dating apps and that shit is so scary#and im in a new place and i still dont drive so i dont know where anything is nor can i even get there#and i want date i want to go out with people but it just fills me with dread#like someone asked me out last night and i just haven't responded bc i have now idea how to???#i hate feeling this way so damn much#i know anxiety is a mental illness i fucking know it#but some part of me really thought that i wouldn't always be this way#i thought that i would grow out of it that it lessen and I'd be able to exist without being in a constant state of panic#which is dumb because i know that's not how this shit works#and honestly im probably autistic too so I know I'll always have issues with building and keeping relationships#it's just so tiring to want something so badly and being so unequipped to acquire it#anyway#life has been weird lately#personal
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it's been nearly two years and i'm still mad about the time my grandmother forced me to debate lgbt rights at a family reunion lunch with her, her catholic husband and a catholic priest. i was just now in the shower and i kept imagining all the snarky comebacks i could have said. if i had chosen that moment to come out to my family (i don't know a single soul on that family tree who is out) it would have been a disaster but also such a fucking power move
#but i'm continuously suprised by my emotions#like why do i care so much???#might be that my grandmother facetimes me two days ago and spoke of how proud of me she is and that she wishes i'd visit this summer#like goddamn talk about conditional love#she's made several queer students of her's go back into the closet#even converted a few to catholicism :(#no doubt in my mind that she'd try to convince me that this is the devil's (or swedish lib propaganda) work#but seriously it must have been obvious to anyone at that table that i cared a little Too Much for me to be just an ally#also had my first panic attack in years right after that convo š„° tnx gma#mine#she's the only grandparent i've had a relationship with though#granddad1: deadbeat+abusive+alcoholic+dead#grandma1:died before i was born#granddad2:quite honestly maybe a pedo. mom even recently confessed that's why she never left me alone with him#i love oversharing on tumblr lol
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Nooo the trans allegory is also a Big one for me in that song, but I know not everybody is about Trans Aoki so I figured it went well with his disabilities regardless. And like yeah blah blah basic whatever, idc y'know, I'm here to enjoy life so imma listen to music people don't like šš¤£
But you're so real for the trans Aoki thoughts okay.... I love both cis and trans interpretations of the Boy bc he's fits very well in both categories. It's all just spice y'know!! You sprinkle some of this... Some of that... And tomorrow you make a new dish! Love moving head canons around for funsies
Anyway ty for validating my music choices š«” good luck charging your phone
i dont really hc charas any particular sexuality or gender since i always feel weird about it its called being BORING its what I AM but its the way i was playin y7 and just kept jokin bout it every time the game gave me a chance until the very last scene then i was just like.. hm... feels less like a joke to me now... its just what my eyes perceive at this point.. sorry...
but i got you covered with music choices man !!!! i like most music even if it can be considered 'overplayed' or 'generic' like idk man... if it makea me feel ima listen to it..
#snap chats#love how i forgot the Eyes lyrics to Body when it's deadass the first line.. STUPID ASS !!!!!!!#but anyways. yeah it been a hot year since i talked bout trans aoki LMAO#honestly if it wasnt for the fact i saw korean artists draw aoki with top scars (and specifying they were TS scars) then id prob just like#be quiet about it. cause most of the time i was just jokin like the whole injections bit and his voice being hoarse in eng#and nasally in jp... lol.... the jokes were being lined up for me... and then he went and changed his name#and got surgery that made him feel more at home in his body... LIKE THEY PROVIDE NON-TRANS REASONS WHY HE DOES THIS#I KNOW but thats why i just kept /jokin/ bout it cause i was like 'lmao' yk. Lmao congrats your accidental trans rep is republican#AND THAT'S WHY IT'S FUNNY TO HC HIM AS TRANS CAUSE HE SUCKS !!!!! i want more shitty people as trans rep#im p sure im the only one who 'openly' hcs him trans but not even. like i remember twitter was Allegedly mad at me for drawing aoki a lot#and they made a point bout me makin him trans but like... i never even 'publicly' made him trans..#when i'd draw aoki without a shirt i'd give him scars but those were from his lung surgery.. lmao...#not my fault the scars look Like That... cause i like drawing scars leave me alone...#my DB followers know i was obsessed with drawing yamcha's leg scar from when his leg was broken#Truly just a coincidence but also not cause it Was lowkey intentional but anyways.. lol...#i remember the period where people were askin me bout the hc.. hehe...#My Apologies for going on the Trans Aoki rant i still do very much like to joke bout it with myself.... it was too real to me...#every time i think of The Specifics i start to get like ļæ½ļæ½ļøšļø because then it gets too real so i gotta stop before i start crying....#it's not that the HC is personal or deep to me or anything it's just funny <- in denial for the bit#anyway.. i havent been able to be productive all day so !! time to start i have a really hectic week and its only getting worse (āÆā½ā° )#thanks for letting me ramble... and feel validated for being delulu...#lowkey funny that While True you said not everyone's about the HC Which Is True it's why i dont talk about it a lot#but like... Not To Be Presumptuous And Self-Important but i do remember being one o the first people to bring it up with other aoki fans..#imagine me not being abot my own hc.. or at least one i stand heavily by... lmao..
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