#honestly i'd love to talk about it so much and i do even if no one prompts me but if someone ever did that'd be so hard. to avoid spoilers.
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wise words | ace x gn!reader
and then it hit you - "you're in love with me"
wc: 1,127
tags: its just a bunch of fluff
series: "you're in love with me"
a/n: ik i said i'd post this tomorrow but i got too excited. this one ended up being much longer than i initially intended it to ngl i really like this one, it might be my favorite so far (both in the series and in general)
"ace," the whitebeard had said, making eye contact. the usage of his name told ace that whatever he had been about to say would be serious. "you are in love." pops had decided to have mercy on the boy, leaving ace alone to sit with what he had said, only slightly struggling to stand his nurses running after him. ace had been left frozen as he processed pop's words. it had felt like pieces falling into place and the world felt clearer. holy shit, he did love you
not proofread
ace had been treating you differently lately, that difference became starkly apparent when compared to how he acts with the rest of the crew. ace was known for being affectionate, both verbally and physically, especially when he gets a few drinks in him, but the way he acted around marco for example paled in comparison to the way that he would hang onto you.
ever since you returned from a mission just over a week ago he had barely left your side - that's not to say that you minded it, you had always had a bit of a thing for him and now you were starting to suspect he felt the same.
recently, you had discovered how he has been going out of his way to be around you. someone spilt the beans on how he has been taking over tasks assigned to other members just so he could be near you.
and here he was, high up on a mast helping you repair the edge of a sail that was damaged in a recent storm. a task that in all honesty was beneath him. a task you knew he hated, you remembered how he would complain about it.
ace kept poking his head around the side of the sail to talk to you, his eyes sparkled as you joked around and you found yourself getting lost in them. the two of you weren't exactly on task, you should've been done with this by now but no one has said anything and you weren't about to complain. you were basking in his warm company while trying to sus out how into you he was. the gears were turning then it hit you.
"holy shit," you say causing his head to snap to you in concern. you couldn't help but vocalize your revelation, "you're in love with me."
immediately, his playful smile fell as his face dropped, eyes going wide. out of all of the things he thought you might say, that was not even an option. still, he made no move to deny it
ace himself had only just realized the way he felt about you when pops, of all people, had called him out on it.
it all had happened after a banquet thrown in celebration of your return. you (along with several others) had just returned to the moby dick after a voyage to one of the islands under whitebeard's protection. the party had been dwindling down and you'd been making the rounds, and he'd been completely unable to keep his eyes off you, even when talking to pops his eyes consistently flickered over to you.
a small chuckle coming from pops was the thing that had pulled him away from you. "you're in deep, my son," the man said full of mirth. he had laughed even more at ace's confused face, "my boy, you are completely smitten."
"w-what do you mean?" ace had stuttered. his bright red face should have betrayed his look of confusion, but the puzzlement had been genuine.
"you haven't been able to take your eyes off of them since they returned. you struggled to even before they left," a light joyful laughter had broken whitebeard's speech, "haven't you noticed how you always gravitate towards them? don't you feel lighter when they are around?"
answering honestly ace had skeptically nodded to the line of questioning. the legendary pirate shook his head with a smile, muttering something about kids.
"ace," the old man had said, making eye contact. the usage of his name told ace that whatever he had been about to say would be serious. "you are in love."
pops had decided to have mercy on the boy, leaving ace alone to sit with what he had said, only slightly struggling to stand his nurses running after him.
ace had been left frozen as he processed pop's words. it had felt like pieces falling into place and the world felt clearer. holy shit, he did love you.
ace had stood in place for an undetermined amount of time, stewing in the realization. it had been marco who snapped ace out of his daze. after minor amounts of prodding, ace had confided in the doctor what pops said. to his surprise the first division commander had been relieved, telling ace that everyone on the ship seemed to know how the two of you felt about each other except for you two.
he wanted to believe you felt the same way, but he didn't want to hold onto false hope, despite what marco had said ace couldn't believe that you felt the same way, but he also knew he had a duty to tell you.
at the moment ace had no plans to make his feelings known (he hadn’t quite come up with anything yet, it was still new to him) and the last thing he expected was that you would figure it out on your own. to say the least he was caught off guard.
"am- am i right?" doubt and excitement are mixed into your question.
his face, all the way to the tips of his ears alight, the boy who was quite literally made of fire was burning up. ace nodded, the move paralleling a child caught doing something that they shouldn't be. he couldn't bring himself to look you in the eyes, but that all changed when at the edge of his vision, he saw a large smile blossom on your face.
you were so excited you didn't know what to do. you started to resent the fact that he was just outside of your reach when all you wanted to do at the moment is kiss him.
"let's get down, we can finish this later," you proposed. ace agreed to your plan with hesitation.
once both of your feet were firmly placed on the deck, you grabbed him by the necklace and he stumbled into your lips. ace was startled by your actions at first but he was quick to melt into the kiss. you dropped his necklace to hook your arms over his shoulders. his hands moved to frame your face, pulling you closer to him, deepening the kiss.
the wolf whistles in the background all faded until they felt worlds away, as if all that existed in that moment was the two of you. reluctantly, the kiss was broken when the need for oxygen started to outweigh the need for each other's lips.
ace rested his forehead against yours as the two of you struggled to catch your breath. he couldn't help the massive smile that formed on his face - this went way better than he ever could have imagined.
masterlist | damn, that shit was so cute, patting myself on the back fr
#one piece#one piece x you#one piece x reader#ace x reader#one piece headcanons#ace fluff#one piece fluff#portgas ace x reader#fluff#fire fist ace x reader#ace x you#gn reader#portgas d ace x reader#portgas ace x you#portgas d ace fluff
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"You and your boyfriend were hanging out at a mutual friend's party, but things got a little too heated, and you both decided to sneak off to the restroom"
Pairing: Yoongi x Fem!Reader
Genre: Established relationship, Idol!Yoongi
Warnings: Sub!Yoongi and Soft Dom!Reader, public sex, quick handjob, praise, cunnilingus, hair pulling (m!receiving), she slaps his cock once, protected sex!!!, he fucks her against the sink, she covers his mouthARGH, they love each other so much:(
Wordcount: 2.6k
a/n: I saw yoongi's video on the day of ggukie's party, and I couldn't resist. He looked so handsome@&%^@$@ i miss him so much:(
Jungkook organized a private listening party for his new album, inviting his closest friends, and of course, you and Yoongi were on the guestlist. The party takes place at a bar, very nice and cozy, with delicious food, good decoration and lighting. Everyone is having fun, drinking, chatting, and laughing for quite a long time now, and you, feeling your boyfriend's eyes, which happen to be right next to you, burning into you. He's wearing a black shirt with a blazer over it, pants and shoes, all in the same color, and a simple silver necklace. A complete snack.
Honestly, if this party wasn't so important for Ggukie, you'd probably have ripped this outfit off of him before the party even started. He looks and smells so good, wearing his most expensive perfume just for you. You're dressed especially well too, in the same color palette as him, a black dress, an overcoat, knee-high leather boots, and silver accessories.
The younger boys and Hobi are drunk, singing and dancing together with other friends. Jin has also overstepped his bounds and is mumbling to himself in his chair. Namjoon is sitting next to you, talking to a nice guy he met. And you're laughing quietly at the clowns you're seeing. Until you feel your boyfriend's fingers caressing your thigh. You look at him, and he's looking straight ahead. You caress him with your foot under the table. He looks at you out of the corner of his eye and smiles at you.
You get up.
"I'm going to the bar. Come with me?"
Yoongi nods, looking up at you.
"Nam," you catch his eye, nudging him lightly, "I'm going to the bar with Yoongi. Text me if you need us."
"Sure, feel free," he says and gives you a sweet smile, then turns his attention back to the nice guy.
Yoongi gets up, and you take his hand, leading him to the bar, where you sit down.
"What can I do for you?" asks the barman.
"How about two shots of the best whisky you've got?"
"Right away."
"Thank you." You smile sweetly and turn your full attention to the brunette next to you. He was looking at you with eyes full of love.
"You're so beautiful."
You laugh awkwardly, "Did you enjoy your dinner? The food here is very good"
"I think so too, I'd like to try their ice cream too"
"We can pass there before we leave"
"Yeah."
The two of you sit in silence for a while, staring at each other and laughing softly.
"Here you go guys, can I help you with anything else?"
"No thanks, dear," you take your order.
"You're welcome. " He turns around.
Yoongi tastes the whisky.
"Is it good, kitten?" You lean your face on the palm of your hand and look at him with a silly smile.
Yoongi chuckles, "The drinks here are great. The two I had earlier have already left me a little cheerful, and I think you too, but you still brought me here. Do you want to get me drunk, woman?"
You let out a good laugh, "funny"
"If that's your plan, it'll work", he smiles.
"And what was your plan when you caressed my thigh?"
"None... I just wanted your attention", he looks at the glass in his hand, playing with it.
"Hey, look at me", you lift his face by his chin. "Now you have my attention."
Yoongi sighs and blinks repeatedly, his gaze on your mouth.
"Give me your wallet," you gesture with your hand.
He takes it out of his pocket and hands it to you without even thinking, you being bossy like that out of nowhere could have been the death of him. You take enough to pay for the two drinks, put it on the counter, and whisper in his ear.
"I just brought you here in case anyone asks where we went. Count to thirty and follow me." You nibble his earlobe, kiss his cheek, and then leave.
Yoongi's gaze follows you until you disappear down a corridor. He finishes his drink and patiently counts to thirty. And then he's looking for you, he imagines that you're waiting for him in the bathroom, which he doesn't know where it is. He turns down the same corridor you did before, looks around kinda lost until he's pulled tightly by the arm.
Yoongi lets out a painful whine as he is pressed against the cold wall of the bathroom. The door is now locked.
"Hi love."
"You've got your sexy voice on," he replied with a shaky breath.
"Yes, I do, and you like it."
"A lot."
You start kissing his neck, he sighs and closes his eyes.
"Are you all right, love?" You asked and caressed his cheek. He knows you're asking for his consent.
"Come back to my neck, please" he holds your wrist
"I need to hear you say it," you whisper in his ear
"Yes, I am."
Your hand is on the back of his neck now, fingers entwined in his dark locks. You kiss his neck like a vampire hungry for blood.
He puts one of his hands on your waist in an attempt to stay up, his knees are shaking, almost giving up on him. And you notice this, so to give him a hand, you press your knee right between his legs.
He gets off balance and accidentally ends up sitting on your thigh.
"Ah! love," he holds harder onto your waist with both hands now.
"Cute."
"That's embarrassing."
"I feel you, and you're already hard. I haven't done anything yet." You run the hand that was on the back of his neck down his body and slide it into his pants. You giggle naughty, "Let me guess, me throwing you against the wall is what got you that way?"
"I like it when you're rough"
"Yeah?", you hiss and press your thigh harder against his cock.
He throws his head back and lets out a delicious moan. You love what you see, but sadly, you take your hand out of his pants and lower your leg, leaving him with a devastated look.
"Baby please..."
"Put me on the sink", you take off your overcoat and hang it on a bag holder since you are in the lady's room.
"What?" he straightens up
"Or you don't want to taste me?"
He opens his eyes wide and reaches for you with desperate hands, pulling you close by the waist. He kisses you passionately, the way only he does and lifts you onto his lap.
He puts you on the sink carefully without breaking the kiss, which goes down to your neck, collarbones, cleavage, and belly. He's already on his knees in front of you. It's a scene you've seen many times before, but you can never stop involuntarily opening your legs during it.
The kisses are now on the inside of your thighs. He lifts your dress slightly and holds the hem of your panties, looking at you with the eyes of a puppy begging for a treat. You nod, giving him the consent he so desperately wanted, and he pulls your panties off with the help of his mouth, so slow that feels like torture. You can't stand how sexy he can be.
"Don't forget that we don't have much time"
"Yes mistress", he murmurs while giving you kisses right below your belly button.
It's not customary for the two of you to have sex in public, but everyone needs a break. Sometimes, it's hard to hold back. Like the time you two sneaked out to the car in the middle of one of his coworkers' fancy birthday party, or in the last trip you went together, where you rode him in the hot tub of the hotel you were staying in, at night when no one was around.
You almost made love in bed this morning, but Yoongi had to leave for work to be free by the time of the party, and you had things to do too. Having to hold back while getting ready, you both couldn't take your horniness any longer.
He puts your legs on his shoulders and licks your pussy, you hold him by the hair and close your eyes, breathing deeply.
Yoongi's tongue is not to be trifled with. He can take you there once, twice, and more without getting tired. It's so pleasurable for him to suck you, he doesn't even expect anything in return, just by seeing you feeling good and hearing you calling his name, he can come without even touching himself, or just accept it and stay quiet, like the good boy he is.
He stares at you from below, caressing your thighs.
You look at him and smile.
"Keep it up, kitten, don't stop. You're doing great," you push his hair away from his forehead and pat his head.
And with a flick of his tongue, the caress turns into a hair tug. You curse and squeeze him with your thighs. He holds them tighter and smirks without stopping working.
"Baby, I'm close"
He knows. He knows when you're near, you don't even have to tell him. He knows every bit of you, just like you know him. But you still say it because you know it turns him on. He lowers one of your legs to gain better access to your clit, which he rubs with his thumb.
"Now love", you exclaimed, trying to stay quiet, and he held you with the hand that was still on your thigh.
But instead of relaxing, you began to feel overstimulated as the brunette between your legs refused to stop tasting you.
"Yoongi, that's enough," you barked.
He ignored your order and began to reach into the pit of your knee to put your leg back over his shoulder. But before he could do that, you pulled him up sharply by the hair.
"I said enough." You hissed, shaking him with your hand tightly in his black hair.
He whimpers, closing his eyes tightly, looking for your hand in his hair.
"Put your hand down."
He leans on the sink with both hands around you and opens his eyes to look at you.
"I'm sorry, who?"
"I'm sorry"
He sighs, starting to close his eyes again, but you shake him by the hair.
"Huh? Answer me."
"I'm sorry mistress... it's hard for me to contain myself, I love tasting you so much"
"Oh my kitten, I forgive you, but as I said. We. don't. have. time." You pull his hair harder, and he moans, fucking the sink cabinet underneath you.
"Awn, is baby desperate for pussy?"
"Uh-huh," he moans with a pout on his lips.
"Do you want to cum in mommy's pussy?"
"Yes, please."
"Oh, my always polite boy, I hope you brought a condom, because I'm not leaving here dripping." You release his hair and give it a caress.
He reaches into his pocket for his wallet and pulls out a condom.
"Are we doing this so often? How did I miss that?" You laugh.
He puts the wallet away and puts the condom in his mouth, leaning back on the sink with his arms around you.
You smile and take the condom.
"Take off your pants."
He takes off his belt as quickly as he can, leaving his pants on his feet so that he can put them on quickly if he needs to.
"Take off your underwear and that blazer too."
He does it without contest. When he's finished, you pull him close by the necklace he's wearing. You open the condom and touch his length, moving your hand up and down before putting it on.
"Look at this pretty little cock" You give him a kiss, "Is it nice, my love?"
"Yes mistress"
You spit on his cock and speed up your movements, staring at him. And he lets out a long cry.
"Darling, you said we didn't have time!"
"Sorry, it's just that I love watching you squirm." You smile and give his cock a slap, to which he reacts with a gasp.
You put the condom on him, laugh, and lean back against the sink. Looking directly at him, you spread your legs.
"Come here, my love"
He comes closer and puts his hands on your waist, kissing you passionately. You feel his tip rubbing against your entrance.
You put your hands on his hips, pulling him forward, making him sink into you.
You both moan in unison, and he wraps his arms around your waist, holding you close. Which you also do when you put your arms around his neck.
Your foreheads are together, and he moves slowly inside you.
"I love you so much, you know?" He sighs at you. "It doesn't matter where I am. My job is to serve you."
He runs his hand down your leg and kisses your neck.
"Am I doing okay mistress?" He asks between kisses.
"You're perfect, my love."
He speeds up his thrusts, and you put your hands inside his shirt, searching for his nipples. His moans are getting louder and whinier. You didn't care until you heard knocks on the door.
"Is the restroom occupied?" A female voice asks from outside.
You cover his mouth with your hand. "Don't stop," you whisper in his ear. "Yes! And I'll be a while, darling."
"But is everything all right?"
You take a deep breath before answering, trying to concentrate as Yoongi thrusts hard into your pussy.
"It's okay, I just need some time!"
"All right then, no rush", she says, and you hear the sound of her heels dissipate.
"Well done, my good boy." You praise him without removing your hand from his mouth. "What do you think about speeding it up a bit, huh?"
He lets out a muffled growl and does as you ask, gripping your thighs tightly and pulling them against him. You throw your head back, holding back a loud moan.
"Keep going baby, you're doing so well", your walls are already squeezing his cock, making it harder for him to work.
He lets out a long, desperate sob against your hand. Shutting his eyes tightly.
"Are you close, sweetheart?"
"Uh-huh," he nods several times.
"Me too, me too, baby. Let's cum together, how's that? Huh?"
You wrap your arm around his neck without taking your hand away from his mouth, and he hugs you tightly around the waist.
He rests his forehead on yours and thrusts a little harder.
"Yoongi"
He opens his eyes, you take your hand away from his mouth.
"I love you."
And he goes off with that, letting out an extended mewl, you right after him. You hold each other trembling, climaxing together.
"That was... wow!"
"Yeah, I can't believe we did that"
"My knees are shaking" he smiles.
You run your hand over his face and neck to wipe away some sweat.
"It's a good thing there's air conditioning in here, even with it we're all sweaty, imagine without it"
"And when you covered my mouth? I almost went mad"
"I knew you'd like it and I wasn't going to do the absurd thing of telling you to stop"
He takes off the condom and puts his pants back on. Picks up your panties, helping you put them on. You both finish getting dressed, and you pull him into a slow kiss.
"What about we get that ice cream and go home?"
"I think that's a great idea."
"Hey, this will be the last time we do this in public, okay?"
"Yes ma'am"
It certainly won't be the last time.
#yoongi smut#sub!yoongi#yoongi x reader#yoongi#yoongi x you#yoongi fanfic#yoongi fanfiction#bts smut#bts fanfic#bts oneshot#yoongi oneshot#bts x you#bangtan fanfic#bangtan smut
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honestly, i feel like this little conversation is them briefly acknowledging the pregnancy together. i love the shot composition here, the way it foreshadows jimmy's actions by having the mouthwash bottle cover him up. BUT ALSO...
jimmy: You thinking about drinking that too? anya: Honestly, yeah. anya: It'd probably just make me feel sick. anya: Wouldn't fix anything. anya: As much as I'd like it to. jimmy: Right.
it comes across to me as though this is less about her getting drunk and more about "would it kill/hurt the baby? and does that really matter right now with everything else going on?" which also ties in to how i don't think anya's completion of suicide was necessarily intentional, i think (based on the way she speaks to jimmy and daisuke through the door) that her intention was to Abort That Thang. she obviously knew the risk and that she could die as well but i'm not sold on the fact that she was simply going to kill herself.
she also doesn't give jimmy a chance to say much in response--he gets out "right" and she instantly topic switches to the medicine locker in the hallway. jimmy's extremely mild about all of this because like. he's had time to think about the pregnancy situation. Obviously. it's just interesting to me that he is so horrified of the pregnancy while anya is trying to find ways to cope with it. and they both have to go through every single day post crash knowing that it exists and is there. ughhhhh idk where im even going with this i just. WHY DOESNT ANYONE TALK ABOUT THE WAY THESE TWO INTERACT????? it's so fucking interesting and i'm so tired of all portrayals detailing how "scared" anya is of jimmy--jimmy's the one afraid of anya. anya simply deals with jimmy and only really gets Scared of him if he starts acting like a freak. on a base level they do just kind of get along.
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I hope I didn't make you u comfortable with this one. Mentions of animal remains!!! I just thought about if percy jackson was dating an s/o who loves collecting bones and preserving animals. I'd like to think Percy is a little creeped put by readers actions but I think he would observe what they do. Kind of like a look but dont touch situation.
Tysm for the request, and dw you didn’t make me uncomfortable at all with it! It's honestly such an interesting concept that I can definitely see happening!
Percy’s definitely seen a BUNCH of crazy stuff in his life, but even he can be weirded out sometimes. And, your little hobby definitely made him rethink a lot of stuff about you. Like, seriously, that's very kinda creepy.
Still though, I’d say he’d come around quite easily. Possible because of the previous point — he’s seen a lot. Just going on one quest would make him very quickly realize that, hey, maybe you collecting bones is not as weird as whatever the fuck every other person is doing.
Once he comes around, Percy would start trying to understand your hobby. It would make it much easier to talk about it if he had even the slightest clue about it, you know? And you’re just so delighted to share your hobby with him! You explain to him all the processes in detail, and you go on little rants about each animal and bone in your collection.
To be honest, it might freak him out a little bit at first, but he’s too understanding to not be okay with it. He now prefers to just watch you working from afar. It's way easier for you to work that way, too. You end up finding a little harmony in this.
Despite what he thought at first, seeing your cute and excited face while you explained your interest, made it so that it would never cross his mind to think it’s weird in any way.
#percy jackson x reader#pjo x reader#hoo x reader#percy jackson#pjo#percy jackon and the olympians#heroes of olympus#hoo#blurb#this is short i’m sorry i didn’t know what you wanted me to do 😭
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my loooove congrats on your milestone omgg 🤧❤ also i'd lay my soul down on the road for a jun fic from you sjksjk. i still think about the way you put ttpd for jun in your svt as ttpd songs IT SUITS HIM SO WELL. so maybe something inspired by that? a fic, a drabble, or just even how you think he fits the elements of the song in general. honestly, you can do anything you like you have the full freedom to be creative ofc <3
congrats againnn i'm so happy for you 😭💕 also feel free to ditch the fic if you're not up for it, it's totally okay ml <333
esa my loveee 💕💕💕💕💕 thank you so much!! the fact you remember I put ttpd for jun I rlly hope you like it!! sorry it took a while jshdlj love you and thank you again 😭😭 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
requests for 200 celebration post: open (but slow updates!)
warning: kinda angsty and long, sorry 😞 BUT its a happy ending dw
You left your typewriter at my apartment Straight from the Tortured Poets Department I think some things I never say Like, "Who uses typewriters anyway?"
when you first met junhui, you found him to be a little… weird. there was no better way to put it other than this, and he was not weird in a bad way. sort of eccentric rather? or maybe reserved? this was in the third year of university, in a creative writing class. with no other seat remaining, you took one next to him. you tried to smile and make pleasantries, an attempt to make a friend in the literature department as this was your only english class. now that you think about it, perhaps it wasn't just junhui, because the professor decided to call this class of 30-some students “the tortured poets department,” and assigned the semester project, which was writing a short book of poems about the person next to you, who was also your now-assigned partner. that was the first time junhui spoke to you. a simple hello and introduction, an attempt to make acquaintance with the person he was going to spend the next few months writing about. over time, you found that junhui had rather a … peculiar sense of humor. he liked cats and often resorted to using only cat memes in conversations. he liked spicy food, albeit his tolerance was not that high. oh! and he owned a typewriter and his only explanation ever was ‘i'm a writer and this is the most efficient tool,’ with an expression as blank as the paper he was writing on. you teased him ever so often, asking the rhetorical question, ‘who uses typewriters anyways?’ throwing a small teasing smile in his direction which he bashfully returned.
But you're in self-sabotage mode Throwing spikes down on the road But I've seen this episode and still loved the show Who else decodes you?
during a discussion lecture about franz kafka, you discovered junhui might have more underlying layers compared to what he tells people. he would often point at a self-criticizing quote or excerpt and joke that it was about him. but his eyes often told a different story. he also had… days when he’d disappear and his only answer was he had to get the inspiration out of his head and on paper. over time, you got used to this, the sudden disappearance, the sometimes concerning jokes, all of it. and you still stayed by his side as a friend. it wasn't uncommon for the professors and class members to ask you about junhui’s absence and what surprised you more was that you knew exactly where he’d be..
And who's gonna hold you like me? And who's gonna know you, if not me? I laughed in your face and said "You're not Dylan Thomas, I'm not Patti Smith This ain't the Chelsea Hotel, we're modern idiots"
this friendship with junhui eventually blurred into something more. it wasn’t lovers, not yet, but it also wasn’t just friends. you’d discuss philosophies and arts beyond the confines of the project and class. no, he was slowly taking the place of the closest person in your life, your best friend. and you liked to believe you did for him too. junhui would often talk about making it big as a writer, meeting big names at even bigger venues. you’d often laugh at his dramatics and found them endearing.
but now, years after not hearing from him, you knew he made it big. you read all his books, hell, you even have copies in your library but you’d always deny if asked. ‘we aren’t who we want to be. nor are we in a place where we should be. we’re modern idiots, that’s all,’ is what he said before he left your apartment and that was the last you heard from him. none of your tears, crying, begging could stop him at that moment. looking back, the only trace of his existence, apart from the wounds on your heart, was the stupid typewriter snow globe he got you.
And who's gonna hold you like me? Nobody No-fucking-body Nobody
so you let him go. despite your hurt, you knew you had to let him go. that was the only way he'd realize no one could love him, hold him, know him like you. you went to class the next day and found that junhui had shifted to finishing his semester online. he already had the credits to graduate, all he had to do was sit through the last week of this semester. your professor asked if you’d like to submit your part of the book and present alone, to which you agreed. this set of poems was, after all, evidence that what you felt for him was real. the junhui you knew was real.
You smoked, then ate seven bars of chocolate We declared Charlie Puth should be a bigger artist I scratch your head, you fall asleep Like a tattooed golden retriever
the absence of his presence haunted you like the echo of a poem you never wrote. you tried to live your life normally, walking past the old shops and stores, allowing yourself to indulge in the memories of junhui once in a while. like the convenience store outside which you dared him to eat seven bars of chocolate in one go, or the alleyway where you and him tried your first cigarette, and immediately regretting it, making you giggle quietly to yourself in the dead of night. you adopted a cat, sylvie, in hopes to distract yourself, but that ended up being a terrible plan because she reminded you of him in every possible way. she would fall asleep the same way junhui would in your lap. petting her was the closest new equivalent of scratching his head as he slept.
But you awaken with dread Pounding nails in your head But I've read this one where you come undone I chose this cyclone with you
things weren't working out for junhui either. ever since he left you, he convinced himself it was for the best. he knew about his tendencies, his weird habits and attributes, and he also knew you'd accept him, flaws and all. and while he had made peace with the idea of sabotaging himself, he would rather die than let anything hurt you, even himself. he convinced himself, in a true poetic fashion, that leaving you meant he would never be able to hurt you ever again and you won’t have to deal with any of his tendencies. ever since then, he would often wake up in sweat, remnants of a nightmare and faint outlines of your figure still prominent when he’d close his eyes. he would see his books, his poems, come to life in these dreams starring you as the main character. on some nights, the memories with you would plague his mind and feel like nails pounding in the forefront of his skull. but junhui’s conviction and love for you outweighed everything else. even if he knew this would kill him, this heartbreak, he would still endure it because it had you written all over it.
And who's gonna hold you like me? (Who's gonna hold you? Who's gonna hold you?) And who's gonna know you like me? (Who's gonna know you?)
so he wrote. and he wrote. till his brain was filled with letters and every waking moment felt the need to be penned down in his diary. he thought that maybe if he made it big, he would go back to you and tell you proudly that he did it. he would finally be able to confess his feelings and emotions rather than using words as camouflage. he wouldn't be a modern idiot trying to find his place in this world. he would be your idiot. just yours. he knew, in the back of his mind, the chances of you still feeling the same as him were slim to none, but he still convinced himself that he had to do this for you. during his first book release, he spent the entire tour and interview, looking for you in every face. when questioned about his dedication, ‘to the one I’d always leave my typewriter with,’ he would simply laugh and say it was an inside joke and the person he’s dedicating this book to would know.
but years passed and you never reached out. when junhui tried to visit you at your old university, he found that you moved after graduation and severed contact with everyone. he tried calling, texting, letters to your parent’s home, all of it but you never responded. he visited every single place in this world that could have a tie to you and searched, but alas he could not find you. when he returned, he was about to give up hope to ever find you again and accept his fate. that’s when he saw you, standing against the railing overlooking the park lake. you looked exactly as he remembered you, and for a second he was transported back to your apartment. you hadn't noticed him looking at you yet, and he basked in your presence from afar for a moment. but you looked up and your eyes met his.
I laughed in your face and said "You're not Dylan Thomas, I'm not Patti Smith This ain't the Chelsea Hotel, we're modern idiots" And who's gonna hold you like me? (Who's gonna hold you? Who's gonna hold you?)
for the first time in years, junhui braved up, put on his smile, and walked towards you. with each step, he could feel his heart pounding so hard he could hear it in his ears. when he reached you his first thought was that he was wrong. he should never have left. he had everything he could've asked for but he didn’t have you and everything else felt like dust without you. and that you were much, much more beautiful than when he left. when he met your eyes, he saw swirls of sadness, anger, but he also liked to believe he saw hints of love.
“hi,” he squeaked out, “i’ve been looking for you.”
“i know. my parents called to tell me about the letters,” you said, guarding your face devoid of any expression, crossing your arms in front of you, “why reach out now junhui?”
“i was wrong. all those years ago, i was wrong. i shouldn’t have left. ever. you were the only person in this entire fucking world who saw me, my bestest friend. and… and i just left you,” he finished, breathless.
No-fucking-body (Who's gonna hold you? Who's gonna hold you?) Nobody (Who's gonna hold you? Gonna know you? Gonna troll you?) Nobody
“yeah you did. you left me all alone for years junhui. who exactly do you think you are? you’re not franz kafka and i’m not milena jesenská. i don’t care what messed up idea of love you have in your mind, but i am willing to love you. i will always be willing to love you. i don’t care how much it will ruin me in the process, i know you’ll save me in the end, because we are y/n and junhui. we make our own story. let me rescue you this time, junhui,” you ended with the quote, tears brimming your eyes.
“letters to milena,” he breathed out, “you read kafka? you hated his works. always complained that they were too sad and depressing.”
“you liked them though. i did everything i could to feel closer to you. i even have that stupid typewriter snowglobe you got me,” you giggled, wiping the corner of your eyes.
junhui wiped his own eyes, smiling at you fondly.
“so, mr. writer, do you want to follow the steps of the ones who came before you or are we writing our own story where i finally get to hold you forever? there’s also space for a new typewriter in my apartment, you know.”
junhui laughed, wiping his tears and nodded, “yeah, fuck the poets. let’s be modern idiots and write our own story.” junhui kissed you for the first time that night, against the lake with the moon shining bright above you, in a true poetic fashion.
Sometimes, I wonder if you're gonna screw this up with me But you told Lucy you'd kill yourself if I ever leave And I had said that to Jack about you, so I felt seen Everyone we know understands why it's meant to be, ‘cause we're crazy So tell me, who else is gonna know me? At dinner, you take my ring off my middle finger And put it on the one people put wedding rings on And that's the closest I've come to my heart exploding Who's gonna hold you? (Who?) Me Who's gonna know you? (Who?)Me
“i know it’s too early to say this now,” junhui started as the two of you lay wrapped up in bed in the comfort of your apartment, his fingers drawing patterns on the ring finger of your left hand, “but i will put a ring on this finger someday. i think i’ll die if you leave again.” you giggled at his promise and kissed his nose. “i think i would die too, so i guess it’s a good thing i don’t ever plan on leaving,” you wrapped your arms around his frame, snuggling closer to him. junhui hummed, his heart content for once in his life.
Who's gonna hold you? Who's gonna hold you? Who's gonna hold you? Who's gonna hold you? Who's gonna hold you? Who's gonna hold you? Gonna know you? Gonna troll you?
“everyone probably thinks we’re crazy,” you said after a moment of silence.
“i guess but they don’t know us like us, so there’s that,” he said, his voice drifting off, “as long as i’m holding you, i don’t really care about the people now.”
You left your typewriter at my apartment Straight from the Tortured Poets Department Who else decodes you?
with his typewriter sitting in the corner of your living room, you knew your life with him was now for the better. he was still a tortured poet for the world, but at the end of the day, it was still you who could decode him. no one else.
a/n: the cat being called slyvie is a reference to Sylvia Plath (sorry im a nerd like that 😔)
#seventeen#seventeen carat#jun#moon junhui#svt jun#junhui#seventeen jun#svt moon junhui#seventeen junhui#wen junhui#wen jun#seventeen headcanons#seventeen imagines#seventeen reactions#seventeen scenarios#seventeen x reader#seventeen fluff#svt imagines#jun fluff#jun x reader#jun fanfic#junhui x you#junhui x reader#junhui fluff#junhui fanfic#woozisguitar: reqs#divider by cafekitsune#woozisguitar: 200f event
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1. Started roughly around last year, last year I was really nervous about participating in his class and one day I was confident enough and he told me well done after class, about a month later I developed feelings. As for initiation, he mainly started it first but now I'd say its 50:50
2. Every single day atleast 5 times an hour
3. He suits cool and slightly chilly weather, sunrise and morning dew but no rain. As for myself, probably the sunshine
4. He loves horror and sci-fi films and I love "thought daughter" films
5. Yes I do, She's Thunderstorms by AM, A lot of Isabel Larosa for obvious reasons, the entire submarine EP, So many by Lana e.g Burning Desire, Yayo, DYKTTATUOB, Watercolour Eyes, High by the Beach, American, Blue Velvet, OTTR, Tulsa Jesus, Dealer, Freak, Honeymoon, Arcadia, Million Dollar Man, Honeymoon, Freak, Margaret, California, NFR, Thunder, Violets for Roses, did I say Honeymoon?
6. I can't say it on this app LMAOAOA
7. Definitely, we would either go to the theatre we have always talked about or just a cozy night in with a film and then lots of deep conversations
8. Sadly I wear a uniform but I try to modify it so the skirt is shorter, I'd wear cute hairstyles and jewellery
9. When he started calling me by my nickname and stayed with me all throughout the last lesson because I was being targeted by a group of boys in my year at this time
10. Yes
11. Yes sometimes but mainly verbal and emotional :)
12. I've told them a little bit about mine and he's only mentioned his family like once
13. Definitely not, although my overthinking always tells me they do even though I know they have boyfriends and crushes on people their own age 😂
14. That I'm attached to him and would literally do anything for him
15. I don't mind what he wears cuz he looks good in everything, but I feel like he'd look amazing in just a white collared shirt, a little unbuttoned with the sleeves up and basic black trousers so not really different to what his style is but he'd look great.
As for myself I would probably wear a pretty and flattering outfit (probably a party dress but nothing too OTT) making sure I looked gorgeous for him but definitely not outshining the bride :)
16. Sadly no, he's not on any social media publicly as far as I'm aware
17. Yes, always
18. I think he's perfect the way he is but if he grew out his beard a little he'd look scrumptious
19. Light pink: happy and bubbly
Dark blue/indigo: missing/longing
Purple: focused/confused
Cyan/light blue: proud of myself
Orange: Seen/recognised
Red: ...yk
20. I personally LOVE everything vintage. We would both fit perfectly in the 50s-60s.
21. Every time I go somewhere I make sure to look good incase I do bump into them but it hasn't happened yet.
22. It was winter and I was feeling depressed and thinking about him so I started girlblogging lol
23. His favourite book, colour, music artist, every single thought he's had of me, his favourite flower, everything <3
24. Honestly very shocked and surprised, even though he is VERY fond of me and seems to favourite me I would still be really shocked, but definitely blush and tell him I felt the same way.
25. Yes, he got me into Foo Fighters!
26. Yes I would date them, no red flags
27. I feel like people would either love our ship or hate our ship no in between
28. Literature, listening to music, writing, just anything in general reminds me of him
29. Wondering if he feels the same way about me and wondering how much he talks about me when I'm not around
30. Yes a lot, eye contact, the way I speak, facial expressions, body language, making him laugh, doing the things he loves that I do
31. For us to go out somewhere together in the summer for a day :)
Yes ik this was in may 2024 but I thought it'd be interesting to share
May TC Challenge
I couldn't really find one for May and I'm super bored so here we go
How did your relationship start? Was it you who did most of the initiating?
How often do you think about them?
What kind of weather matches their vibes? What about yours?
May the fourth be with you! Do they have a favorite movie franchise? Do you?
Do you have a playlist dedicated to them? What are your favorite songs on it?
What's your go to fantasy/day dream about them?
If you had the opportunity, would you go on a date with them? (If they're married/taken, imagine their partner is out of the picture) If so, what would you want to do?
Do you dress up on the days you see them? How so?
What's your favorite memory with them?
Have you ever thought about a future with them?
Does your tc give you physical affection?
Happy Mother’s Day to all who celebrate! Have they ever told you anything about their family? Have you told them about yours?
Do any of your classmates have a crush on your tc?
What’s something you wished they knew about you without you having to tell them?
If your tc was invited to a wedding and asked you to be their plus one, what would you wear, and what would you want to see them in? (Theme of the wedding is up to you, so you can choose your outfits)
Do you have any photos of them? Either those that you've found on their social media or ones you've taken yourself?
Have you ever listened to break up songs/love songs and thought of them?
What style/haircut/tattoos/facial hair/etc do you think would suit them best?
Which color would you assign the feelings they give you? (Ex: happy -> yellow or something bright)
Which decade would they be best in? How about you? (Based on fashion, technology, art, music, the fun stuff.)
Have you ever run into them in public? (Or tried to?) How did it go?
What pushed you to create your blog?
If you could know anything about your tc, what would it be?
How do you think you’d react if they confessed their feelings to you?
Have you ever done/read/watched/listened to something you may not have been interested in because they like it?
If your tc was your age, would you date them? Do they have any red flags?
If your life was a book series/tv series/movie and you had a fan base, would your fans realistically ship you and your tc? (Got this one from TikTok lol because I love the thought)
What’s something that always makes you think of them?
Let’s chat for a sec! What’s something you’ve been dying to talk about regarding your tc?
Do you flirt with them? If so, how?? 👀
What’s something you’re manifesting happening between you two? (If you don’t manifest, what’s something you hope happens?)
#teacher crush#teacher attachment#oldermen#tc community#male teacher crush#male teacher x female student#male tc#male teacher attachment#teacher x student
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i love my sister and for the most part, we are very close and genuinely like each other a lot but the one place where i'd just really, really, really like to see inside her brain is the part where she is still incredibly comfortable and cheerful—and even thinks it's really funny—talking about how much she didn't like me as a child while I'm like. yes. I am and was aware. and it sucked so so so much
#we had a really wild moment over dinner last week where she actually acknowledged#EXPLICITLY with her OWN WORDS#that things like our brother dying right when i was going into my senior yr of high school#and covid lockdown starting right when i'd graduated college + moved to a new city where i knew no one except her + was applying/auditionin#for jobs#were harder on me than one her in some unique ways#and i was literally like . is. is this a test? am i supposed to deny it?#bc like when our brother died she told me i was a selfish brat (for not grieving the way she did)#and during covid she told me (right after i got laid off) that she had ''way more reasons to be depressed'' than i did#personal#anyway she was laughing so much as she said this (abt not liking me) and i was just staring at her nodding slightly like#yeah. i know. i know you didn't like me#do YOU know how much it sucks to know that your older sister--whom you idolize--who you *desperately* want to like you--#not only doesn't like you at all#but even up into high school/college#would talk about how she couldn't wait till our LITTLE (five year old) cousins were old enough to hang because they'd be so much fun#and know that she had absolutely never thought or said that about you#do you perhaps! think that might still have ramifications on our relationship to this day#if your little sister spent 20+ years knowing that your love was conditional on them being the person you wanted her to be#like. do u???#(the answer is no of course but#i remain boggled by the fact that this eludes her considering she is! in fact! a really smart person!)#it's also like when i was first offered my current job#and our now bosses asked both of us like ''are you worried at all about working with your sister?''#and she laughed like lol no of course not?#while i was like ''honestly yes.'' adskjfglkjasds#very different perspectives sometimes
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this is a good time for all of us to remember when I said I would be ready to sing the show's praises if it got better at the things i disliked it for
#everyone called me a bitter hater but no! that show was bad!#it had potential. but that's why i was so hard on it. it wasn't reaching its potential. and now it's doing that and i think that's great#i haven't rewatched yet but i just want to be so clear about the fact that i was never just a hater and i said it all the time#people were so mean to me but i wasn't lying when i said i'd be happy if it got better#i might not even nitpick the race stuff. which. didn't really improve. the girlies just got protective styles#they did that whole thing with elle's transness and nothing about how her blackness intersects there#also tara. it would be so much fun to see how her being black and specifically darkskin plays into her perfectionism#she's darkskin. in fucking ballet. be so fucking for real with me rn. where have you ever even seen that. who is her role model. is she ok#...i still like the direction it's going. but they really still didn't talk about race. which sucks#but honestly now that they're giving the characters more depth i'm less mad at it. they're people not just 2d stereotypes#it'd be cool if they were blacker than just their hairstyles but it's ok. it's progress#see. they didn't even fix all the stuff i want them to fix. and i'm not just being a hater#the people cyberbullying the teenager who didn't 100% love the 30-year-olds' favorite TV show were the real haters all along :pensive:#who knew
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if i might bitch about work for a second: yesterday was hellishly bad despite being able to keep up with it and i found out that apparently our department made 4600 dollars yesterday which is making me angry beyond belieffffffff
#this is math i do fairly often bc i enjoy ho-hum math and hate my job and like#even if we took off 2000 bucks for overhead costs which feels excessive but i will concede it#that would be enough to pay everyone working a little over 860 dollars which is 300 more than what i make in a WEEK#literally WHEREEEEE IS IT WHERE IS IT GOING WHERE IS IT#i dont like following this logic through because on days where there are fewer orders we;d do less#and i disagree with gig work's implementation as ive seen it and i think that would stress people out worse than we already are#(which is significantly)#but at the same time. 850 dollars. i cant afford to buy groceries this week. 850 dollars...#can i get a BONUS or SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#it makes me soooo angry i was talking to one of the deli guys who asked for a raise and got denied mid-question#before our director accidentally showed him that their department is four thousand of gods own dollars under labor#its so revolting to me i talk to so many people in this store who are terrified because of medical bills or rent or car shit#half my department works two jobs just to get by and ALL OF THEM drive junkers#honestly one of the things thats scaring me about if i actually move out is that i do rely on...living with my mom#i pay for most of my own food i pay an absurd amount of rent to share a room with her but she's willing to drive me to work#even though i've offered to walk multiple times and she REALLY should prioritize her own time more#but at the same time...not having to pay for rides has been carrying me hard#if i got a car i'd be fucked because those things bleed money and generally ethically i disagree with cars#but if i dont its like okay pony up the money learn to navigate buses (except for sunday when they dont run) or get ready#to walk to your job where you walk all day and then walk home in the dark#which. i love walking. and listening to music on my own while walking. so bad example. but i also love not having my feet hurt#all the time always no matter what im doing which is something im becoming increasingly unfamiliar with#its like. ultimately. something's gonna get fucked no matter what#and then i hear a figure like 4600 and i remember how avoidable all of this shit is. how avoidable it is for ANY of us#our ceo is gonna walk away from this merger attempt with 5 billion dollars in safety-cushion money#the 10 top execs beneath him with 1 billion#and its just so. what can you even do. 5 billion. can a number like that even mean anything? how could you possibly need that much#850 dollars would be a lifechanging amount of money for me right now and im not even one of the worst off#its just. god. this world could be anything but what it is but its this and for what
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sorry to everyone who's been missing me/waiting for something from me, i've been slipping in and out of depressive fog for a week or two (and in general have experienced significantly worse depression than normal for a couple years, but that’s another story)
i long to get back, too; a lot of things to read and ideas to write and people to talk to. love y'all, take care
#signed: vika's ghost#also i've caught a cold so there's that too#terribly sorry for being overdramatic i'm just... tired of being tired and i wanted to talk about it a little bit#it's very important for me to talk about everything that's wrong with me. i tend to avoid that but now i'm trying to learn and to make peace#creative drive and ability to hold thought-out conversations keep slipping out of my graps and it kinda hurts more#— in a good cathartic sort of way but painful nonetheless — to remember what they felt like at all#i miss wanting to work on my wip and i miss having the attention span to write out headcanon and i miss having headcanons#and i miss talking to my fandom friends#(i did it just last week but i already miss it. it's one of the things i'd like to be able to do every day)#and i miss the ability to connect with art and i miss the ability to focus on written word and i miss commenting#and i miss discussing ideas and i miss interacting and i miss having fun. god i just miss having fun.#kp my apologies for not making much progress on bb&b; myself my apologies for not writing any of my other wips or outlines or posts;#da gc gang my apologies for not following up on any of the things; every fic writer whose work ended up in my to-read pile IM SORRY#jack & kp specifically i love your stuff#also jack my apologies for taking a While; & the rd gc apologies for never writing out any of the cool au thoughts i'd had after some point#really���i've been meaning to. everything requires way too much effort. everyone is so fun and i miss having fun#take care,remember me fondly,i'll be back,please stand by#if tomorrow morning i find this embarrassing i'll chalk it up to a fever or something.#idc i'm allowed to have it. world won't blow up if i'm embarrassing on the internet once or twice or honestly even forever#vikarambles#vent
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I'm not a "new musical theatre style music" person. Never have been.
Even when I was doing voice lessons, I'd steer towards the golden age or jazzy musical theatre songs. My voice teacher would have to drag me kicking and screaming towards adding anything new musical theatre to my repertoire. For a while, the most modern song in my book was I Know The Truth from Aida, and I wouldn't count that as new musical theatre style since I mean more the Pasek&Paul or Joe Iconis type.
And now I have an audition coming up for a small production of a show in that style and I'm supposed to sing a song in a similar style. And I'm looking at all my sheet music like... let me do some Cole Porter... or Gershwin... at least Sondheim please...
#look i do have SOME newer musicals in my book. but like i said. kicking and screaming.#i'm probably gonna end up doing 'I Think That He Likes Me' which is not IN a musical it's just new musical theatre style#as part of a songbook for some writing duo that i can't remember the name of and it's 2:45am so i can't care enough to look it up.#and it's the only one in my sheet music folder that i'm like 'ok. this is TRULY the right style' and i know it's good in my voice#and it's a cute song and i do like it and it definitely fits the overall vibe of the show#and though i haven't sung it in like 4 years i still remember 90% of the words and have time to study it before the audition#but while trying to find that song deep deep in my folder i pass by other songs i just love so much more#and i'm like ahhhhhhhh why#and i'm not even like 'god i hope i get it' (see A Chorus Line. that's more my type) i truly don't care if i'm cast or not#and yes i can technically audition with any song i could ever want it's just suggested to do the same style#but i know the entire creative panel who i'll be auditioning for and the last 2 times i auditioned for them i sang the same song#only because it's a GOOD song that fit both shows i was auditioning for (Can't Stop Talking About Him by Frank Loesser)#(perfect audition song since it's short at like 28 bars and you can pick the tempo and do a lot of character stuff)#(but see this is what i mean. like 1/3 of my entire sheet music folder is golden age musicals. then half is 60s-90s.)#(and then the last chunk are the few new-ish musical theatre and some pop music.)#(if i took performing more seriously i'd have a wider range but this is truly just for fun and just for me. so i do what i like.)#i don't want to go in for a 3rd audition with the same creative team and doing the same song. especially since it doesn't fit this time.#so once again. dragged kicking and screaming. over to new musical theatre territory. unwillingly.#if i get cast we'll have to see if the show itself even grows on me since honestly i think there's maybe 2 songs i like in it.#it's definitely not the worst new musical theatre style show but it's also not one that drew me in.#ok wait while looking through lists of 'new musical theatre' shows to find one i actually like (i think just Legally Blonde sorry guys)#(every other new musical in the last 20 years that i like did something interesting with the music like Come From Away)#i ended up finding out that apparently 13 was adapted into a netflix movie? when did that even happen?#i mean i don't care for that show either but i thought i was at least up to date on movie adaptations.
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I hate allistics so fucking bad*. Autistic people will literally go "I'm pretty sure this guy has autism and at the very least you are demonizing autistic traits while you talk about him so could you talk about what he actually did wrong instead of how creepy, weird, insane, and psycho you think he is" and allistics will go "not all NTs are autistic, I'm not autistic and also I don't have a degree, nor am I this person's therapist but I'm pretty sure he has narcissistic personality disorder, another thing I don't have" bc he's low empathy and lied. Like fuck off. Autistic people saying "hey you're demonizing traits we have and it's very hurtful, just bc something would make you personally uncomfortable doesn't mean it's a moral failing" and getting the response "well actually it is and also it can't be autism bc autism is quirky so instead I'm going to demonize your traits passively while actively demonizing a different group of people bc they also make me uncomfortable" is fucked up.
This is an "I make NTs and occasionally NDs uncomfortable bc I am off putting and popular media likes yo act like there's something inherently wrong with me bc of things I can't control" safe space. If you're a freak and a weirdo and off putting, I love you.
*And if you're allistic and this doesn't apply, then it's not about you, congratulations, you're a rarity.
#like i can go grab screenshots if y'all want this is specifically about the response to Matthew on l0ve is blind#i did sensor love so it doesn't come up in that search idk if people on tumblr are into it but i'd rather not reach them if they are#i watched a recap/reaction vid by kennie and honestly might have to stop watching her bc she can't seem to help herself#yes he fucked up and was an asshole but that has nothing to do with most of the stuff they're calling him weird for#fucking sick of it#and even if he's not autistic they're very much talking about traits that a large portion of autistic people have#i was literally sitting their going 'wait but i do that thing that you hate and are calling weird and psychopathic'#edit: i will actually not go get screenshots bc they're super fucking triggering. people fucking suck
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Hi, just popping in to say I'm alive, still working on the next chapter and those ask responses, everything's good. |'D In case anyone was worried!
#i'm so sorry it's taking so long y'all#i'm just going through some INTENSELY STRESSFUL SHIT and it's taken a huge toll on me#but i'm doing my best i promise#i've had to take quite a few mental health breaks in the past few months#didn't help that a big part of the chapter was pretty difficult to write from a linguistic and technical perspective#but i've completed it!! now i just... gotta write the rest :'))))#maybe i'll do another poll for splitting the chapter or not because my god i am gonna finish this one in august at this rate#also random thoughts but#sometimes i think it'd be nice to join fnaf servers and meet and talk to people#make some more friends who love fnaf as well with whom i could talk and stuff#i keep going ''hmmm that'd be nice'' BUT#then i remember how i barely am active even on the server i am a mod for and i think of how big this fandom is#and i break into hives just thinking about it lmao#i don't want to be in a huge server i know it'll just stress me out and i'll end up muting it forever OTL#i perform so much better in little groups or one on one#but#to find these cool little groups or the cool people to talk to 1-on-1 i NEED to go through these hugeass servers and honestly no thank you#i am too autistic for this ;v;)#or maybe i am just growing old :'3#i know there are some very cool people who follow me (how did it even happen i do not know) who i'd love to reach out to#who probably don't even realize that we'd be mutuals if it wasn't for this being a sideblog i can't follow back from#and i kinda want to keep my main blog kinda private just for online living hygiene reasons#*long wistful sighing* ah well
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I so badly want to have more people in my life, but holy shit I'm so fucking bad at building relationships
#it's so tiring and exhausting and anxiety fueling#but also i love talking to people so much#i love hearing about what other people are doing and the things they love#it's just that i always feel like im doing it wrong#and it fills me with so much anxiety that i dread doing it even though i want to#like i finally started using dating apps and that shit is so scary#and im in a new place and i still dont drive so i dont know where anything is nor can i even get there#and i want date i want to go out with people but it just fills me with dread#like someone asked me out last night and i just haven't responded bc i have now idea how to???#i hate feeling this way so damn much#i know anxiety is a mental illness i fucking know it#but some part of me really thought that i wouldn't always be this way#i thought that i would grow out of it that it lessen and I'd be able to exist without being in a constant state of panic#which is dumb because i know that's not how this shit works#and honestly im probably autistic too so I know I'll always have issues with building and keeping relationships#it's just so tiring to want something so badly and being so unequipped to acquire it#anyway#life has been weird lately#personal
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it's been nearly two years and i'm still mad about the time my grandmother forced me to debate lgbt rights at a family reunion lunch with her, her catholic husband and a catholic priest. i was just now in the shower and i kept imagining all the snarky comebacks i could have said. if i had chosen that moment to come out to my family (i don't know a single soul on that family tree who is out) it would have been a disaster but also such a fucking power move
#but i'm continuously suprised by my emotions#like why do i care so much???#might be that my grandmother facetimes me two days ago and spoke of how proud of me she is and that she wishes i'd visit this summer#like goddamn talk about conditional love#she's made several queer students of her's go back into the closet#even converted a few to catholicism :(#no doubt in my mind that she'd try to convince me that this is the devil's (or swedish lib propaganda) work#but seriously it must have been obvious to anyone at that table that i cared a little Too Much for me to be just an ally#also had my first panic attack in years right after that convo 🥰 tnx gma#mine#she's the only grandparent i've had a relationship with though#granddad1: deadbeat+abusive+alcoholic+dead#grandma1:died before i was born#granddad2:quite honestly maybe a pedo. mom even recently confessed that's why she never left me alone with him#i love oversharing on tumblr lol
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Nooo the trans allegory is also a Big one for me in that song, but I know not everybody is about Trans Aoki so I figured it went well with his disabilities regardless. And like yeah blah blah basic whatever, idc y'know, I'm here to enjoy life so imma listen to music people don't like 😂🤣
But you're so real for the trans Aoki thoughts okay.... I love both cis and trans interpretations of the Boy bc he's fits very well in both categories. It's all just spice y'know!! You sprinkle some of this... Some of that... And tomorrow you make a new dish! Love moving head canons around for funsies
Anyway ty for validating my music choices 🫡 good luck charging your phone
i dont really hc charas any particular sexuality or gender since i always feel weird about it its called being BORING its what I AM but its the way i was playin y7 and just kept jokin bout it every time the game gave me a chance until the very last scene then i was just like.. hm... feels less like a joke to me now... its just what my eyes perceive at this point.. sorry...
but i got you covered with music choices man !!!! i like most music even if it can be considered 'overplayed' or 'generic' like idk man... if it makea me feel ima listen to it..
#snap chats#love how i forgot the Eyes lyrics to Body when it's deadass the first line.. STUPID ASS !!!!!!!#but anyways. yeah it been a hot year since i talked bout trans aoki LMAO#honestly if it wasnt for the fact i saw korean artists draw aoki with top scars (and specifying they were TS scars) then id prob just like#be quiet about it. cause most of the time i was just jokin like the whole injections bit and his voice being hoarse in eng#and nasally in jp... lol.... the jokes were being lined up for me... and then he went and changed his name#and got surgery that made him feel more at home in his body... LIKE THEY PROVIDE NON-TRANS REASONS WHY HE DOES THIS#I KNOW but thats why i just kept /jokin/ bout it cause i was like 'lmao' yk. Lmao congrats your accidental trans rep is republican#AND THAT'S WHY IT'S FUNNY TO HC HIM AS TRANS CAUSE HE SUCKS !!!!! i want more shitty people as trans rep#im p sure im the only one who 'openly' hcs him trans but not even. like i remember twitter was Allegedly mad at me for drawing aoki a lot#and they made a point bout me makin him trans but like... i never even 'publicly' made him trans..#when i'd draw aoki without a shirt i'd give him scars but those were from his lung surgery.. lmao...#not my fault the scars look Like That... cause i like drawing scars leave me alone...#my DB followers know i was obsessed with drawing yamcha's leg scar from when his leg was broken#Truly just a coincidence but also not cause it Was lowkey intentional but anyways.. lol...#i remember the period where people were askin me bout the hc.. hehe...#My Apologies for going on the Trans Aoki rant i still do very much like to joke bout it with myself.... it was too real to me...#every time i think of The Specifics i start to get like ���️👁️ because then it gets too real so i gotta stop before i start crying....#it's not that the HC is personal or deep to me or anything it's just funny <- in denial for the bit#anyway.. i havent been able to be productive all day so !! time to start i have a really hectic week and its only getting worse (╯▽╰ )#thanks for letting me ramble... and feel validated for being delulu...#lowkey funny that While True you said not everyone's about the HC Which Is True it's why i dont talk about it a lot#but like... Not To Be Presumptuous And Self-Important but i do remember being one o the first people to bring it up with other aoki fans..#imagine me not being abot my own hc.. or at least one i stand heavily by... lmao..
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