#honestly i think neurodivergence shielded me from how bad things were

[heyninja]

I also want to tack on that a lot of the classes (especially at the end of high school) are designed for testing to accrue college credits or simultaneously earning credits while being in the class. Which in some ways is cool - you have less credits to take in college, which can save money and/or time - and looks good if you're trying to get into certain programs or schools. (Where people come up with the time to do the Other Things competitive programs like, such as volunteering or other extracurricular activities I'll leave for someone else.)

The high school I went to had, in my opinion, very exceptional teachers in all but one instance of these classes and I was Very Prepared to deal with college classes. I was pushed to take a pretty heavy class load to finish my degree in a certain time (money concerns) but even then I already had experience juggling a huge amount of homework all the time, and not being in classes 8 hours straight a day actually felt like I had more time to deal with it.

Except going screaming through undergrad in 3 years sounds cool on paper, until you realize what my life was like. I'd taken every "gifted" or "advanced" class offered as soon as they started offering them (I believe I started about 12) and only ever begged out of any college credit classes in my senior year of high school because I was already graduating with honors without it so it didn't make too much of a difference. I'd been doing hours of homework every day, every weekend, every break, every summer had homework before class started, for 10 years of my life when I graduated with my Bachelor's.

I was expected to go straight into graduate school because that was The Plan, and I was so burned out I had to withdraw or I would have failed.

It actually took me until earlier this week? to realize that I was so burned out because of how hard I was pushed by my schedule and workload and (not the school's fault) parental expectations, that it's a wonder I didn't collapse during undergrad. I think, actually, looking back on what I remember, I very nearly did. The last semester I had the lightest load - what actually counted as a full load at 12 hours, which was a break for me because I'd never taken that few - and I remember being so so so so tired.

My life might have been radically different if I'd only taken advanced courses I was interested in, taken things a little slower, been exposed to more people, and had more time to discover myself as a person. College would have been a lot different if I wasn't constantly working with 5+ texts at the same time with 3 papers due in the same week more often than not. I don't know what my 20s would have looked like if I was given the chance to chill.

But I can tell you one thing, I to this day have trouble with things like online courses, even for things I want to do for fun, because it brings back so much anxiety and expectations of "excellence" and what if I don't make the right grade?

I really think people, especially in the US, need to chill out on advanced courses for high school and consider quality of life for the kids in them.

I think a lot of the skepticism and derision toward the idea of "gifted kid burnout" stems from the fact that a lot of folks have no idea what the gifted track in most high schools actually looks like; they've got this mental image, possibly informed by popular media depictions, of "gifted kids" as a privileged group of students who get to go on extra field trips, monopolise the teachers' attention in class, and constantly be told how special they are, but who are otherwise treated identically to all the other kids.

In practice, the gifted track in most high schools – most North American high schools, at any rate – has the same problem as any other educational program: the need to adhere to published metrics. These programs exist for the benefit of students only insofar as those benefits can empirically be measured, which leads to several common outcomes:

Students on the gifted track being afforded fewer choices regarding elective classes – often to the extent of having no choices at all – in order to stream the highest-performing students into the subjects that are most valuable in terms of boosting institutional metrics.

Students on the gifted tracking receiving restricted access to educational resources such as tutoring because it's perceived as a waste of resources. In many cases, gifted students are not only denied access to tutoring, but expected to serve as volunteer tutors and teaching assistants themselves, effectively becoming a source of unpaid educational labour for the schools they attend.

Students on the gifted track being assigned considerably more homework, often literally doubling their workload in an environment where homework loads are already routinely high enough that kids have difficulty finding time to eat and sleep, simply because you get more measurable academic performance data that way.

The upshot is that the gifted track is often less about fun perks and constant praise, and more about receiving less freedom, fewer resources, and heavier workloads than one's peers, getting strong-armed into providing unpaid labour to the school on top of it, and constantly being told one should be grateful for it – and that's without touching on the fact that the unspoken secondary purpose of many gifted programs is to serve as a quarantine for all the neurodivergent kids the school couldn't find an excuse to institutionalise or expel.

Like, shit, there's a reason kids on the gifted track exhibit elevated rates of alcoholism and substance abuse compared to general student populations. That doesn't arise in a vacuum!

(To be clear, I'm not saying that people graduating from high school and immediately having an existential crisis upon realising they're not special after all isn't a thing that happens, but in my experience that's more usually something that happens to the kids who were on the football team, and reframing it as a nerd culture thing is really weird.)

[cookii-moon]

Introducing… the Perfectly Neurotypical Ninja!!!

(I had an idea and thought it’d be funny)

our first incredibly neurotypical ninja is…

✨ JAY! ✨

Has zero volume control whatsoever

He can NOT be quiet for the life of him

There is no way he doesn’t have some form of anxiety disorder

Like his entire panic and fear definitely seem like anxiety to me

Has a plushie he still sleeps with for comfort and is emotionally attached to (which is super real of him honestly)

Panic attacks

He DEFINITELY has hyperfixations

Have you just seen him in general

That one short where he just starts running around on the roof

Also that one time he and Kai were supposed to train and got distracted by competition (Actually this could probably apply to all the ninja because they do this type of thing all the time)

Got so hyperfixated on dancing games that he learnt how to dance

I don’t think he can sit still it just doesn’t seem possible to me

(I’m not a Jay fan so I can’t point to much else off the top of my head but we’re all in agreement there’s no way he’s neurotypical right?)

Okay never mind, our FIRSt neurotypical ninja is…

✨ COLE! ✨

Talks to himself. A lot.

No seriously he talks to himself so much

Professional school dropout

Gets along great with animals and people who don’t fit in

Probably has owned a pet. Or five. (Probably a cat or a reptile) (he came around to them eventually and now he loves them) (dogs are too energetic and loud)

Most likely has depression

Definitely has sensory issues there’s no way he doesn’t

That one time he nearly had a breakdown from being overwhelmed. (Points to core shorts)

Dislikes metaphors (canon)

Wears the exact same hoodie without fail in every single episode where he has to wear civilian clothing (I think it’s a comfort thing at this point)

Probably taught himself several different ninja things he had no need to learn (why can he fight with a sword and nunchucks when he never uses either of them outside of a single special) (this also applies to shields and staffs and throwing stars but those are at least practical)

He says it’s to prepare but really he did it for fun

Has somehow not discovered his ninja special interest yet

(he physically can’t do anything else it’s too boring) (even when he’s not ninjaing he needs to practice once a day minimum or else he explodes)

Dances when happy/excited (definitely not a stim)

Immediately starts telling Jay about dancing when he enters the contest in a very excited manner (definitely not infodumping)

Has caused several misunderstandings due to bad social skills (he can NOT read the room for the life of him)

His best friend is Jay.

(even if he’s not autistic there’s no way this guy is neurotypical.)

(these are not the actions of a neurotypical person we’re all in agreement of that right)

Whoops… uh…never mind…our FIRST!!!! Neurotypical ninja…

✨ NYA! ✨

Terrified of failure

Like it haunts her she does NOT want to fail she has an entire arc devoted to it

Has a hard time letting go of things (she holds grudges A LOT)

This also includes things of sentimental value like Samurai X

Change is difficult for her just in general

SUPER stubborn

Definitely has a schedule that she envisions in her head but forgets to tell everyone else

(that short where she planned to spend time with Jay but he was going to the arcade)

Short temper especially on bad days

The more I write this the more I realize how little characterization she actually gets for most of the series

Justice for Nya honestly

(I’m assigning her neurodivergence I don’t care how short this is)

(I think autistic. But spicy.)

(probably also anxiety or OCD)

(do you see the vision)

….Okay so maybe not that one either- Uh… our FIRST!!! Neurotypical !!! Ninja!!!

✨ KAI! ✨

Has anger issues. Probably.

Super impulsive

No like incredibly impulsive. Ultra impulsive.

Craves attention but has really bad self worth issues

Hinges his worth on his powers (not healthy)

Wanted to be useful so badly that he convinced himself he’d get powers if he drop kicked Garmadon (it did not work)

Did I mention anger issues

Wants to be useful so he can protect!!!

That one time he and Jay were supposed to be training and-

Has zero patience

(I don’t know what flavor of neurodivergent he is but he’s neurodivergent somehow)

(once again I don’t pay attention to Kai there’s definitely more)

…Okay so this time for sure. Introducing FOR SURE our FIRST neurotypical ninja….

✨ ZANE! ✨

Do I even need to say anything

The entire episode “Home”

Social skills

Taking things literal

That one canon (?) book where he apparently has flashbacks to the ice emperor (im calling OCD or PTSD on that one Zane)

Also that one time he locked away bad memories in decoded (decoded is canon to me and the reason for that is mainly because it actually references ghost Cole (iirc) which is a miracle)

Yeah I think he has PTSD

that one time he hyperfixated on and roleplayed as a detective and then a pirate

probably more. Maybe.

That one’s a robot he’s disqualified. The FIRST, FOR SURE, NO MISTAKES, neurotypical ninja is…

✨ LLOYD! ✨

The fact he apparently has so much of starfarer memorized that he can nearly win a quiz contest thingy and the only thing that stopped him from doing that was that he hadn’t read a brand new limited edition issue

starfarer in general he is not normal about starfarer

Way too trusting for his own good

I would be more surprised if he didn’t have some sort of disorder considering everything he’s gone through

hes got to have at least something related to his trauma right

(This one is way shorter because. Again. Not a Lloyd fan. but. I think the starfarer thing is enough to push him into probably not neurotypical territory.)

(most kids do not know the entire plot and all the fun facts to a long running comic book series by heart)

Are you kidding me none of them are neurotypical?

Okay ne- what do you mean the last one

there’s those ones over there!!!! *points to Arin, Sora and wyldfyre*

Oh wait they’re also neurodivergent?

…..uuuuugh shows canceled then…. Sigh… Guess I’ll start up the Incredibly Neurodivergent Ninja show instead.

(disclaimer this is a joke)

(but they are all neurodivergent that part isn’t)

[pokenoire]

Would you mind sharing something positive about SatoGou? (Fanfics you liked, fanart, headcanons etc.)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/40789599 (I think this is my favorite) I recommend looking at their profile, the others are just as good, I've reread this one about 3 times between the date of publication until now

https://archiveofourown.org/works/43606114

These here are in Brazilian Portuguese:

https://www.spiritfanfiction.com/historia/do-jeito-que-eu-sou-18433579

https://www.spiritfanfiction.com/historia/pokemon-tales-of-sword-and-shield-23157217

The authors haven't updated it in a while but it's very good

Some others are bit nsfw (agep up only - because I don't really care about nsfw but I'm specific about reading only my favorites ships or characters that I identify with, not all nsfw is ok with me idk, Sometimes I skip the nsfw parts when I'm not interested and go to the story, it really depends on my interest but I'm not into things with a neutral to repulsive sexual aroacs thighs, I think?) I sometimes think I'm in the middle of this.

Anyway to my headcanons, I have friends who like Goukoha and I consume some artists who draw both Goukoha and SatoGou or SatoSere, I really liked the SereGou Fanarts, maybe people will be bothered by this lmao they have so much in common, my headcanon for Gou is pansexual and Ash is bisexual (let's give them a panxbi because I noticed that few people wrote multisexual people in this fandom like Bi4Bi couple or pan4pan couple SatoGou also works)

AROACE ASH IN ALL OBVIOUSLY

I don't mind gay Gou x pansexual Ash honestly speaking, but I really like Gou so I like to keep my ship options as open as possible.

trans boy Gou / Trans non-binary Ash or binary.

Autistic Gou, ADHD Ash because for me both have characteristics and as someone diagnosed with both neurodivergent couple

I would give Tokio gay sexuality, and honestly who else would I ship him with besides Gou or Gary? Although I don't really like Gary X Gou / Horace and I'm more of a fan of Gou x Tokio / Gary x Ash.

I have a universe that I've been developing for 2 years between Ash x Serena x Gou in an OT3 since 2019 but I still haven't written anything. I've been through a lot in these years and months that I haven't been able to concentrate on my OT3 or them journeys trio...

Can I admit something? I've read several stories of Ash being portrayed as just gay even though I shipped Ash and Serena at the time I felt weird for not feeling bad about it, then I learned that I can read whatever I want, the author is doing this if I respect the writing and I can't see how this universe is wrong in any way why should it be bad? Since most were fighting, that's how I decided at the time to separate my Satosere written account from the Palleshipping account.I didn't want people fighting with me because I didn't care about anything as long as it was fun to develop and wasn't problematic.

That's what FanFiction is, having happiness and creative freedom that the show doesn't work

Hmmm...I think that's it? I have nothing more to say

[crocus-cryptid]

We're on to V1:E2, as listed on roosterteeth's website. I know what the E stands for, but it took me a second to realize it's V for Volume. I watched V1:E1 immediately before this, so it's two plays of the theme song back to back. The theme fucks severely so I'm not complaining.

I realized the airships have fins and it looks a bit like they're swimming in the sky. That's really cool. Holy shit they switch to standing on all fours to land, I love that. A lot of RWBY's design elements function on the rule of cool, I think. Is it practical to have a gun scythe? Do physics really work that way in combat? Probably not, but it kicks major ass so it's fine.

I feel bad for Jaune, that's one hell of a case of motion sickness. Poor dude's vomited at least twice.

I noticed one of the shadow people doing a jaunty little walk on the way into beacon, that made me smile. Oh damn this episode is only six minutes. In later seasons I remember everything being a more consistent length, but I guess the series was still finding its footing here.

It's funny how Ruby animorphs into 2d chibi art. The flat colors and style of it harken back to the sort of thing I used to see being posted on deviantart by younger artists, which gives me a nice warm sense of nostalgia. I remember posting my wonky anime art online once upon a time.

I think it's cute that Ruby's a weapon nerd. That could be a great vehicle to explain more about how weapons work in Remnant. How a character explains world details can tell you just as much about that character as it does about the world.

I kind of love the poorly recorded stock sound effects. It's something that really roots this in that era of youtube animation.

Weiss assuming that Ruby doesn't know what dust is is likely to explain what it is to the audience, but she's also a brat who would figure that most people are beneath her based on this scene alone. Blake just standing there reading a book is interesting- was she reading and walking at the same time? I forgot that she was a bookworm.

You can really see the anime influence in how they animate the characters. Also in how they're designed, but how they move and emote feels very anime.

I wonder about that wiggly clothing effect. Is it supposed to be wind? I've seen it happening indoors. I'm guessing it's not an error since they've consistently kept it in. Is it for emphasis? It's probably wind.

Blake bringing up the unfair labor practices Weiss' family corporation employs comes back later, I know.

I like Jaune's shield, and I thought it was funny that Ruby pointed out how it weighs the same. Even the "uncool" weapons are neat. It's cool that Ruby forged her own weapon, too!

The outro fucks severely too! The chorus reminds me of music from the 70s in some ways, with the strings and the bells. I clicked off to look up the full song. The guitar solo is pretty good, feels kind of Steve Vai to me.

Oh huh, V1:E3 is another six minute chunk titled pt 2 to the last one. I'll just keep going in this post since it's basically one episode. This was uploaded after the ten minute limit on youtube videos based on how V1:E1 was one ~12 minute chunk, so I'm not sure what's up with that.

Jaune going "Where am I supposed to find another nice, quirky girl to talk to?" And there immediately being another character with real details behind him is honestly pretty funny foreshadowing. If they were animating this one piece at a time before uploading, it'd make a lot of sense if they read the comments about Jaune clearly being an actual character and decided to make a gag from it.

The dialogue can be pretty rough. It reminds me of like. What people think Marvel movies sound like. And I don't like marvel movies.

Ruby reads as autistic to me, maybe some other flavor of neurodivergent as well.

Ozpin's glasses remind me of Vash from Trigun's glasses. I wonder if that was intentional or not.

I love Jaune's footy pajamas. The background boys having real detail was probably just to sell the gag but it might be fun to see them again.

Ruby's pajamas remind me of the Dead Tired line of g1 monster high dolls, with the graphic tank top, patterned pajama pants and sleep mask. I doubt she has high heeled slippers, though. She and Frankie Stein would probably get along pretty well.

Ooh it's a different song this outro! My guess is it's to show off the totally awesome soundtrack. If I had music that awesome linked to my project I'd want to show it off too. I should listen to Jeff and Casey Lee William's discography after this.

[olderthannetfic]

There was a text meme a while back on tumblr that was like 'I'm neurodivergent and literally a minor' and I hated this statement to hell and back. I literally could not find it to be the littlest bit funny because word for word it sounded like an anti argument, in that they couldn't take responsibility about things and that it was on other to be responsible for them.

Like when I was still a minor I didn't go around using that fact as a shield and the meme just infuriated me because it just sounded like someone handing out a doctor's note on why they couldn't practice critical thinking.

Like I know I'm being a little oversensitive about this. But kids join fandom so early these days where they get exposed to anti opinions left right and centre and that becomes their belief system and it is concerning! Like I was older at 17 when I got into fan spaces and even still now at 22 I feel like Im learning all the ways that censorship is bad. But anti spaces are so loud and guilt trippy and like how can kids not fall for it you know.

--

Honestly, I think most kids will ultimately follow their other role models and influences from their offline life. If antis are just reinforcing those shitty messages, they're screwed, but they were already screwed. If someone taught them to have a spine and they turn out to be kinky themselves (as many, many antis secretly are), they'll grow out of it.

I don't think you're overreacting though. That's a shitty meme.

[a-little-ray-of-fantasy]

(Related to the Cookie Run ask) Some? Is… Is there more? -🍪❓

Yes!

I'm sad I didn't talk about them last time, but out of all the Cookies, Strawberry Crepe struck me as being autistic from minute one. Mostly because they love machinery and is driven by a thirst of knowledge and desire to test every possibility, no matter the cost. SC also has shown moments of low empathy several times and meltdowns when things don't get their way, mostly because they are not used to social interactions and is really blunt about what they think of others. Honestly, knowing that they were pretty much left on their own by Dark Enchantress Cookie made me feel really bad for Strawberry Crepe: at the end of the day, while really smart and left frozen for a long time, they're still a child. Hopefully they can start a better life in the new land with Pure Vanilla and Black Raisin.

On a smiliar vibe, Bell Pepper is neurodivergent as well: much like Strawberry Crepe, Bell Pepper is more used to machines and loves knowing more about them. What is different from SC is the fact that BP wants to socialize, but is very insecure about it, and so to shield himself tries to convince himself that his peer group wouldn't understand robots as much as he does. When really, people enjoy sharing his hyperfixation about technology because they know he's really passionate about it.

Also Cream Puff can feel really relatable for how many trials she had to endure as a magic student, especially for anyone who struggled with an educational system that wasn't able to help those who learn differently. Magic has never been the easiest for her, often getting really worked up and generally progressing slower than most. Often looked down by others, she nonetheless kept on working hard to improve. What really helped was Latte's method: Latte is a lot different than a typical teacher who uses traditional education, and is able to adapt her teaching method to the single student, balancing hard work with good rest and self care. By actually understanding how Cream Puff learns, Latte played a huge part in helping the little one, and CP has improved a lot and managed to become a wizard like she's always wanted. For a neurodivergent child, an educational system that isn't flessible enough for their needs is often a source of huge stress and discomfort, and really, Cream Puff's accomplishments are nothing short of inspiring for anyone who's been in her shoes at some point.

I think this is what I have so far. Something more will come to me soon, hopefully. :D

[memento-mariii]

That last post I reblogged reminds me of the first time I ever experienced misogyny. Or as I like to call it, ~Baby's First Taste of Misogyny~

You see, until then, I was really lucky. I was never catcalled or sexually harassed, and my parents never made me feel that the most important thing about me was my looks. In fact, since I was one of those kids with ADD whose neurodivergence manifested as something that could be miscontrued as brilliance, I think they were convinced that I was going to up to find the Cure for Cancer(TM), or become a SuperLawyer(TM), or something. (Sorry for being a disappointment, Mom & Dad! Love ya!)

I was so successfully shielded from sexism until then, to the point that I used to be one of those girls who think that feminism is a little silly. After all, haven't we already achieved equality? Isn't sexism a thing in the past? (Spoiler alert: no we haven't and no it isn't. Sadly.)

Fast forward to first year of high school. Or maybe it was third year of middle school? As a teen, I have been to a lot of science programs, to the point I can't exactly remember which was which, so I can't pinpoint the exact time. But I do remember hating Twilight back then-I vividly remember reading a twihate blog on livejournal on the bus to the SNU-so it must be when Twilight was still popular, or at least when it was still relevant.

So, late middle school or early high school: since I was something of a teacher's pet, and a straight-up-A student to boot(this is not a humblebrag; me being excellent at high school has zero bearing on the clusterfuck that is my life now; I guess I peaked at high school), my science teacher offered me a chance to go to Seoul National University's science outreach program. I use the term "outreach program" loosely- the program taught us nothing about science, it was more of a "come and get to know our school, so more of you'll enroll and we'd have more tuition to build more unnecessary buildings with" kind of deal. (I'm sure there's a word for that in English, but I'm not a native speaker and nothing comes to mind, so I'll keep on referring it as an outreach program)

Nevertheless, I was STOKED. In case you don't know, Seoul National University is one of the best, if not the best school in South Korea. It also happened to be my dream college.

So, on that fateful day, I, accompanied by handful of other students from our school's science club, show up to SNU and are joined by similar students from other schools. They lead us to a boring white room with a beam projector in it. Then a guy, in his late-thirties or so, comes in and talks about the school, what kind of stuff they teach, how natural sciences are awesome and you shouldn't ever think about going to engineering school(if it wasn't obvious, the outreach program was directed by SNU's natural sciences department and not the whole school, har har), et cetra. I'll call this guy the Speaker, because to this day I have no idea if that dude was supposed to be a professor, a tutor, a faculty member, or some rando that happened to work in the department.

Soon, the Speaker guy is done with his speaking, and he asks if anyone has any questions. Two or so dudes raise their hands, and he picks one and answers his question. Then he says that this time, he'll take a question from one of the girls. None of us raise our hands-I don't know why, maybe they were busy taking notes? I, for one, had tons of questions I was dying to ask, but was to shy to actually raise my hands, so maybe they too were shy?-whatever it was, it wasn't because of plain disinterest, because remember: those girls wanted to come. They were handpicked by their teachers as students most likely to be interested in the outreach program. All of them were members of their school's science clubs. And remember!!! the guys weren't that different either!!! only two of the guys had raised their hands, so that's only two people less!!!

So imagine my surprise, when out of the blue, OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE, this idiot opens his gapehole and says---

"솔직히 여학생들은 이런것보다 솥뚜껑 운전이 더 편하죠, 안그래요?"

What he said is a misogynistic Korean slang, so it's hard for me to translate exactly, but the gist of it goes like this.

"Honestly girls would be better off staying in the kitchen and making and sandwiches than doing something like this(as in, studying STEM) am I right?"

I am shocked. I am flabbergasted. Remember, this guy's job is to leave a good impression of the school to the students so that they'd want to return there when they graduate. But this idiot, this absolute buffoon, comes up and invokes the Korean equivalent of the tired phrase, "make me a sandwich"! This is such a monumentally stupid move on his part, to this day I have no idea what he was thinking. Again, his job was to leave a good impression of the school! What was he trying to achieve with such a jab? Doesn't the school have any sort of sensitivity program? I'd assume he could get in huge trouble if any of the students reported his behaviour to the administration! He had nothing to gain, and everything to lose from saying such a thing! What was he thinking? It makes no logistical sense. If it wasn't my first-hand experience, and I heard this from somebody else, I'd think they were bullshitting me. Sometimes even I wonder if it was just a fever dream. It's that stupid! It makes! no! sense!

The students aren't exactly enraged, but we're not laughing along either. If anything, we're confusedly sharing awkward glances with each other. And because men like this are astronomically bad at getting a clue, the idiot prattles on:

"I feel bad for you girls. You don't actually want to be here, but your parents are forcing you to do it because they are too conceited."

Conceited for what? Supporting and encouraging their daughter's passion for science? For thinking that their daughters were good enough to be equal to their male colleagues in STEM? For thinking that their daughters could ever achieve anything more than "staying in the kitchen and making sandwiches"? Who is the one that's being conceited here? And motherfucker, how dare you insult my parents like that?

The atmosphere is getting tangibly awkard now. The discomfort is real. And the speaker, fool that he is, finally catches on. He abruptly and clumsily changes the subject, and luckily for everyone, it's time for restroom breaks not long after that.

I didn't need to go to the bathroom, not really, but I go anyway to lock myself in the stalls and gather my thoughts for a bit. After the bathroom break is over, it's time for another speaker to speak, so that awful speaker has already left the room(thank God!). The rest of the day goes by in a blur, and I don't have much memory of it.

A disclaimer: after that incident, I was invited to a lot of different science outreach programs, some of it manned by the Seoul National University, and all of them were really educational and all around delightful. I have nothing but fond memories of them. In fact, I can only think of one instant when a university-led science program wasn't fun, and that's the incident I have detailed above. So I won't call SNU itself misogynistic, just that the first of their outreach program I went to was....weird. They didn't even teach science(all of the other outreach programs I went to taught ar least some science), it didn't look like it was sanctioned by the whole school, only the natural sciences department, and there were like kids from only a handful of schools(all the other outreach programs I went to had kids from at least tens of schools). So.... I don't really know what happened, behind the scenes.

Despite all that, SNU continued to be my dream university.

Even though I now had a newfound anxiety about never being seen as an equal by my male peers, I continued to love science and ended up majoring in Chemical Engineering. (I didn't end up going to the SNU though, but not for lack of trying. The school I go to is pretty rad too, but not as rad as SNU.)

I wish I could tell you what happened to the sexist speaker, but I honestly have no idea. But I hope he got fired. I can say only one kind thing about that guy, and it's that he made me realize that sexism and misogyny are alive and well in this day and age, which led to me becoming a feminist.

So, thank you for that, Mr. Speaker from my memories. Let's not meet again.

[salty-donut-collecter]

Why Not?

Part Twenty-Three 

Twenty-Two      {Masterlist}     Twenty-Four

Chapter Word Count: 1638

Trigger Warnings: This is a very dramatic chapter honestly, so uhh

People get hurt, yelling, crying, mentions of neurodiversity 

Please tell me if I need to tag anything else :)

*Also, I’m planning on having this story as a slow burn, so please be prepared :)

Prompts: “Do I look like I give a fuck?”, “I don’t know what I’m feeling, but I’m feeling a lot of  it.”, and “Not to dictate your life, but drop your shitty friends.”

A/N: Okay, so this gets... interesting. I'm not going to tell you how things go in the future, but know that this is a very dramatic turn and I guess I just wanted to warn you a bit before I posted it. I'll answer questions as long as it doesn't spoil anything, so feel free to ask away

Happy reading! (Also, feel free to comment your thoughts! I love reading comments :))

Also, if you’d like to be added to the tags list, please let me know! :D

      _____________________________________________________

You walked down the stairs seeing red, your eyes probably glowing as you couldn't help but hear the numerous amounts of thoughts running through everyone's heads. Complete focus wasn't there. The world blurred, mixed with reds and blacks. Accents of sunlight making everything feel like the Greybeyond from Lord of The Rings after Frodo had put the ring on.

When you get to the living room, you don't stop. The room quiets as everyone starts to stare. Within moments, you have a full room of eyes on you. Their thoughts won't stop, they're clouding your mind like smoke in a strip club.

Through all the noise, you heard Steve speak.

"Y/n, what're you--" his voice was low, like he was talking to an enemy, so you had no moral conflict in interrupting him.

"All of your kids are neurodivergent, and are currently suffering." You practically growled, "And yet you guys are continuing to argue so LOUD without ANY consideration for your children-- the children you chose to adopt and take care of." you spit, your hands balling into fists.

You saw Bucky's face go pale. He glanced at the exit.

A dry chuckle escaped your lips. "You really think they want to see you? After everything they've just listened to?" another sarcastic huff. "Why don't we settle this somewhere they won't hear you?"

Snap.

Your hand was still up when Steve's shield hit your face. Your jaw dislocated-- or maybe it broke. You weren't quite sure. Either way, you took your hand, which was still in its previous position of post-snapping, and used it to relocate your jaw. Seconds later it was healed.

"I'd like to say I'm a very sympathetic person, Steve," You took a breathe, still overwhelmed by the overlapping voices that were composed of everyone's thoughts, "That's why I'm maintaining my composure."

Another breath. You blink.

"However, becoming unhinged and attacking me out of nowhere won't do anyone any good for multiple reasons." you frowned, "I figured, since you'd been the one to teach Maverick that, that you too would understand the concept." your frown deepened, "But I guess being wrong is today's family trend." you sigh.

The place you'd transported everyone wasn't actually real. Technically, they were all still in the living room, passed out. Would you tell them that yet? No, but it helped when you thought about Steve throwing his shield at you thinking it'd actually do anything to you. He had seen you fight, after all.

So yes, instead of actually attempting to teleport them anywhere (which was only something you'd thought you might be able to do), you made it look like you'd teleported them to Château du Guildo, Créhen, France. They were awkwardly standing in the ruins' courtyard during a chill, starry night.

You made things as realistic as possible to evade any suspicion. However, Tony, who was just wearing a tee-shirt, was almost shakey with his arms crossed because you hacked into everyone's hypothalamus (which controls how you feel temperature--Bruce had you learn the known parts of the brain to make your job "easier") so they could feel their surroundings. You used to do things like this for HYDRA as a method of torture, but you tried not to let those types of thoughts enter your mind right now. You didn't need that. You needed to stay focused and concrete.

The more you thought about the way Katie looked at you as you looked

Around at the people your siblings called parents, the more your anger started to boil.

"Now that we have you out of the house," you forced yourself to calm down a little, rubbing the very realistic pain that was still present in your cheek, "What in the fucking UNIVERSE WAS THAT ABOUT?!" You didn't quite scream, but you wanted to--oh how you wanted to.

The so-called Avengers just looked down for a moment.

Then, of course, Steve fucking spoke up.

"Well," he looked around at his teammates, which apparently didn't include you anymore. What a shame. "Some of us don't think you should be... included on the team anymore."

A laugh, one that was so dry and sarcastic, it almost became real, left your lips. "That's rich." You chuckled, wiping a fake tear from your eye.

"Y/n, they're serious." Tony gave you a concerned dad look.

Your semi-forced smile dropped, "I know how serious he is, Tony." You Looked over to Sam, already knowing he was probably on Steve's side. He always was, after all, "They think I'm still controlled by HYDRA. They think I'm a double agent."

Sam stepped up, "HYDRA has nothing to do with this."

Vision chimed in for a moment, "Y/n, we think you're... unstable." he looked at you with a sincerity that no one else seemed capable of, "We only wish to expand your mental stability in order to prevent more outburst that could possibly cause harm towards others. Particularly Katie, and her siblings."

Tony stepped up, now just as angry as he probably was before, "Y/n wouldn't lay a finger on that girl and you know it!" he furiously spat, his hands shaking as he angrily pointed a finger at Vision.

"Tony, we're not saying she'd want to do anything." Steve seemed desperate to make Tony understand, you realized he'd probably been trying all night and getting nowhere. "No one in their right mind would want to hurt that little girl, but--"

"And when was the last time Y/n was in the wrong mindset?" Pietro asked, stepping up to Steve boldly, "When was the last time she did anything without a reason?" he asked, his arms disdainfully swinging at his sides.

Rhodey gave him a pointed look, "What do you call hacking into our locked files and illegally copying them to her laptop?" he asked.

"I call it finding the answers she should've had access to in the first place as a member of the Avengers." Wanda looked at Rhodey like she was reminding him of the fact that she could tear him to pieces in a matter of moments, and that she was definitely thinking about it.

"That's like giving Peter access to all of our files" Natasha rolled her eyes.

"He has access to all of our files," Tony corrected, "He's just too distressingly polite to look through them without our permission." He added.

Peter, who wasn't too far away, nodded. "I feel bad if I don't ask Mr. Stark first, but I do have access to everything, just like Mr. Stark and Steve," he told them. "I thought Y/n had full access too, so I didn't really think anything of it when I heard she hacked us, because what else are you supposed to do when you don't have the password and everyone else is asleep, right?" He nervously chuckled and watched himself shift his feet due to the vast amounts of attention he'd just accidentally earned.

"Besides, what's it to you anyway?" Clint just looked done with everyone, "We're prepared to deal with her if she does lose her shit, which isn't going to happen btw," he paused to take a sip from the coffee pot no one had noticed he had, "and it's not like she's as difficult as Barnes was!" Another sip, "Like, I love the kids as much, if not more, than you do, but she's not a threat to them. They love each other too much." He gave Steve a side look, "Almost like you and Barnes," he commented, proceeding to take a long, loud drink of his coffee as the rest of the world processed what he'd said.

Steve blushed, but didn't let Clint get to him.

"I still think that we just need to make sure--"

"What, exactly?" you snapped, "Because, I don't think there's literally anything for you to be worried about, Steve." You'd slowly become calmer in this atmosphere. It wasn't getting out of hand anymore, and it was more of a debate now. However, hearing Steve had caused your blank expression to fade into a blatantly irritated frown/scowl situation.

"We just want to make sure you're... yourself." Sam tried to reason, "We want to make sure you're well enough to have full control of yourself--"

"So it is about HYDRA?" you interjected, already knowing how the rest of his statement would've sounded.

No one said anything.

You scoffed, "unbelievable." you look up to the heavens you hoped didn't have to see this, "To think I believed you when you told me I was a part of the team. That you thought I was all better and wanted me here because I made a good edition." you threw your hands up as tears started to form in your eyes, "And all that other complete bullshit you were feeding me." You laughed, your voice breaking, "When all you really wanted was another helpless mess that wanted nothing more than to try and make up for all the horrible things they'd done. You wanted someone just trying to change-- because after James, Pietro, Wanda, really everyone here, you just couldn't get enough. You just love a sob story, huh?!" You sniffed, looking down at everyone around. Most everyone just had their heads down in shame.

You smiled, nodding as the tears started to fall. The overlapping voices weren't helping, but you could barely hear them anymore. Not over the quickly developing silence that your brain demanded.

"Not even a word." You continue to nod, not knowing what else to do, "I get it. I see." A sad, sinister smile appears on your face as an idea popped into your head.

"That's alright," You stopped nodding, smiling at the floor and whispering, "that just means you won't mind when I leave."

With that statement, you look up just in time to see everyone's final face of panic before--

Snap.

_____

Taglist: @introvertedsin @galacticalstarcat @acidrain707

[punkwixes]

the kitchen scene in 'the way i thought we'd end up'!

[fic meme! send me a scene from one of my fics and i’ll do a dvd commentary thing on it!!]

+ the way i thought that we’d end up

OH BOY congrats jess you found what is legitimately the hardest scene i’ve ever written. Bear With Me Here, tumblr won’t preserve the original formatting and this is the longest scene in the entire fic. i think my second biggest worry, besides Doing It Bad, was the thought that this scene + the rest of the sixth part make up half the fic.

warnings: as per the warnings on ao3, the scene under the cut contains an in-depth conversation about suicide, and an additional mention of self-harm.

Anyways: Food. Magnus tiptoes into the kitchen, careful not to wake the sleeping Merle. It’s pitch black at this hour, and he gropes for the overhead cupboards, rummaging through them by touch alone. Maybe there’s leftovers in the fridge.

“Disappointed?” The shrill voice comes from his right, a scant few feet away, and Magnus panics, shrieks, and hits the light switch at 60% strength.

[i don’t know why, but i recall rewording that specific sentence at least three or four times. i think i was unsure what percent magnus should hit the light switch at?]

Leaning up against the counter, a mug emblazoned with “STEAL EVERYTHING YOUR GAY LITTLE HANDS CAN CARRY” in one hand, the other hand shielding his face from the sudden blinding light, is Taako.

[the second hardest part of this fic was What Should The Mug Say. i couldn’t think of something witty enough?]

“Fuck, shit, turn down the floodlights, my man! Some of us are real fuckin’ overstimulated here!” Taako’s ears are pinned back against his head, and Magnus quickly sets the dimmer switch to an acceptable level.

“Sorry, is this good?”

“I mean, yeah, it’s just that you ruined my dramatic entrance and all. No biggie! I only planned it for twelve fucking hours while you slept.”

“Oh,” is all Magnus can say.

“Is that all you have to say? You nearly die and you just waltz into the kitchen like, hey, what’s up, oh, I guess I almost kicked it while you were unconscious, no big deal!” Taako’s gesturing so wildly that by the end of the sentence, liquid sloshes out of his mug. He glares at the spill as if it’s personally offended him before reaching behind him for a dish towel, not turning his back to Magnus.

[taako’s doing a lot of Interesting Stuff in the background of this fic; one of these is his arc from pretending to not care about other people to… whatever this is?]

“You’re, ah. Probably going to wake Merle.” This is an unexpected level of anger for Taako, and while Magnus has dealt with a lot of outbursts over the past year, he doesn’t know how to deal with that particular emotion.

“Nah, Grandpa Piss over here is sleeping like the dead, or – Well. He blew all his spell slots to make sure that you weren’t, you know, before the Bureau got to us, so. There’s that.”

“Guess I’ll have to thank him in the morning, then.”

“Will you,” Taako says flatly.

Magnus sighs. “What’s all this about, Taako?I don’t understand.” There’s only so many cryptic insults a guy can take before he gets tired.

[i was struggling a lot here; i remember giving up right about here and resigning myself to never finishing this. i wasn’t sure how to get from this scene -> Talking About Wanting To Die. i think i tried like four or five transitions and they all just… didn’t work.]

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s the fact that this afternoon I woke up facedown in the dirt and you were gone, homie! Like, as in, Merle was about to start performing death rites instead of healing spells, that kind of gone! As in, I would’ve been burnt to a crisp if not for sheer coincidence, because you’re out here dying like it’s your job!” Taako’s voice has been rising with every word, and he accentuates the last point by slamming the drawer he’s been rummaging through firmly shut, producing a wooden spoon.

“I mean, that kind of is my job. What’re you doing?”

“Making us some hot chocolate, my man,” Taako says, grabbing a saucepan from one of the lower cabinets. “Don’t change the subject, the hell do you mean, that’s your job?”

[…the actual justification for this is that i forgot about the Cooking Thing till this scene was like half-conceptualized and by then i decided that i wanted to work on the concept in a different fic. that fic became what’s now mags n cheese, and it was originally dialogue practice for this one. you can actually see me becoming more confident in writing character voices as i Go Though This.

anyways here’s the in-character justification:]

For all his bluster, there’s something almost vulnerable about Taako right now, which is… odd, because Magnus is the one getting yelled at.

“I don’t know, just. That’s my job, protecting you guys. That’s what I do.”

“So, what? I’m supposed to be okay with you just up and dying, then?” Taako makes a noise of disgust, closing the fridge door with more force than necessary.

“I mean, I am.”

“Fuck that.”

“No, really, I am. Like, I’ve made my peace with it, and stuff, which – I don’t know.” Magnus holds his hands out a little helplessly. This is probably a lot more distressing for Taako than it is for him, honestly. He’s not one to pry, but he would guess that saying that the dude’s lost a lot of people before is an understatement, no matter how much he tries to play this off as pure self-interest.

[BIG narrative thread in this fic is magnus putting others’ feelings over his own (see: him not wanting to wake merle up despite Literally Dying). magnus “i kinda feel like i want to die, i’m so sorry, can i get you some water?” burnsides.]

“You’re thirty,” Taako says.

Suddenly exhausted, Magnus sinks down onto one of the kitchen stools. “Yeah.”

[going through the bookmarks on this fic & someone cited this as a Really Painful Line. same, buddy. i’m not sure that taako even understands how old 30 is to humans here.]

“That’s insane, my guy! You have your whole life in front of you, and you’re willing to just – like, that’s a job description you’re fine with? Killing yourself for other people? Like, at any minute, you could take the blow and, poof, no more Magnus!”

“I just. I think that dying is the best thing I can do, that’s all.” Magnus pinches the bridge of his nose. He’s so tired.

[no commentary necessary, but:]

There’s sudden silence from the other end of the room, enough that he looks up to see Taako frozen at the counter, spoon in hand, giving Magnus that same guarded look again, the one he’s never been able to decipher.

[i’ve talked about this in previous fic memes, but a big Thing in this fic is magnus trying to figure out taako while taako is Actively Irritated at the idea of people knowing what’s going on in his head; this is taako letting his guard down and magnus STILL having no idea what’s up.

but really this is just taako in the background like Oh Mood every time magnus does something dumb, so.]

“Got a plan?” he asks casually, so casually that it takes Magnus a moment to realize what he means.

[this is one of the lines i had in mind when i started writing this fic. it’s the first moment that magnus actually realizes how Bad this all looks.]

He reels back a little, catching himself on the table. “No! Of course not. I mean, it’s not like that, I’m not like – like…” He trails off before he can finish the sentence, but the unspoken like you is left hanging in the air.

[ultimately, i think i’m happy with where this wound up. i think i could’ve gone more into this; there were a few lines specifically referencing self-harm wrt taako & magnus that got cut, but the Deal here is that taako is Visibly Neurodivergent and is basically the only measure that magnus has for these kinds of things. he thinks that being suicidal only looks One Sort Of Way, and he’s not like that,  so he’s fine!

worth noting i guess that magnus doesn’t think of this as a bad thing, just as, like, that’s not him.]

“Okay,” Taako says, blissfully ignoring Magnus’s fuck-up. “Do me a favor and walk me through this, right? ‘Cause, like, what I’m seeing right now is you trying to give me the only possessions you care about and then marching into battle with what seems to be a pretty decent death wish, if I do say so myself. Anything else in there that I missed?”

“It’s not like that,” he insists. “I would never, I. I don’t want to die.”

“But?”

“There’s no buts.” Maybe if he says it with enough finality, Taako will leave him alone.

“You don’t want to die, but you want to be dead, right?” Magnus’s head snaps up, but Taako has his back to him, stirring something on the stovetop. How did he– “And, like, if you were able to cease existing, if there were a Magnus-button that you could press to just stop, you’d do it, right?” he continues. “Like, probably without even thinking about it.”

[this was the only other line i had in mind when i was outlining this fic.]

“I mean, yeah, but that’s different? Like, I wouldn’t. I can’t.”

[GOD i pushed through the writer’s block wrt the above section and IMMEDIATELY got stuck here. i couldn’t figure out how to go from here to Everything Else but just kind of… blunt forced my way through it. i SUPER wanted to publish this fic before the next taz came out, i think.]

“Why not?” Taako needles.

“You said it yourself,” Magnus says, slightly irritated. “I’ve got people now, I can’t just leave because I want to, that would put your lives in danger. It’s – people leaving, that sucks.” He draws in a breath, eyes suddenly stinging. Doesn’t think about it. Doesn’t get pulled under again. “Just. I’m tired. That’s all.”

[i’ve had a lot of comments about magnus’s rationalization here? i feel like i should say that i’m not, like, sure about it. more than anything, i think that magnus’s rationalization is a general why not?, but it’s the answer to a question that he doesn’t know he’s even asking, if that makes sense. this is the first time he’s being asked to confront that.]

There’s the solid thunk of something being placed in front of him, and he looks up to see that Taako has levitated a mug of hot chocolate onto the table.

“Thought you said that you weren’t like me.” Despite everything, there’s a tinge of amusement in his voice.

[this is a fic about parallels in a lot of ways.]

Magnus winces, curling his fingers around his mug. “Sorry.”

“No biggie, I’ve heard worse.” Taako slides into the opposite seat, tilting his chair back to prop one foot up on the table. “Also, absolutely stop looking at me like that, my guy. This is my kitchen and past 3 am, it’s a liminal, judgement-free zone, which means that you get to say whatever fucked-up shit is on your mind, and I get to use my furniture in whatever ways I please.”

[GOD before this i was having a lot of trouble writing taako, but this was… a lot of fun. also kinda underrated, i think, probably because it gets lost in a massive run-on sentence.]

Magnus hums a little, turns the mug over in his hands. It’s clay, lumpy but glazed, with “#1 DAD” written on one side in thick, black strokes.

“Ango,” Taako says. “He goes to pottery lessons at the Chug ‘N Squeeze every Wednesday, keeps giving me these. Y’think he’s trying to drop a hint?”

[Been There, Done That. taako’s willing to drop the subject or just talk about something else until magnus is ready. if you’ve read any of my other fics, this is him taking a page out of magnus’s book with a lot less grace.] 

“Um,” Magnus says, cutting him off mid-ramble, but, for once, Taako shuts up immediately. His gaze is unfocused, firmly fixed on the wood grain of the table, but he can tell that he’s being intently watched. “Do you ever – that is –” He can’t get the words out again.

“Take your time, my man.”

“I just don’t want you to get the wrong idea about what went down yesterday! It wasn’t some sort of.” He swallows hard. “Of suicide mission or anything, I didn’t – I don’t go in there thinking, hey, I’m gonna make sure I die in here or anything, it’s just. If anything were to happen…”

[worth noting that this is the first time magnus has talked about suicide explicitly using the word.]

“You’d be fine with it?”

“Exactly! And, the fucked-up thing is, sometimes I wish it would! I can never bring myself to do anything, but I, sometimes it’s like, dying is the only thing I have going for me? Like, sometimes the only good thought I have is that it’s going to happen someday, that I’m going to be with –” He swallows hard. “Um. Yeah. That’s basically it.”

[i don’t know. i think i’d have liked to talk more about julia, given that she was the focus of the first chapter and a big factor in All Of This, but at the same time, i didn’t want this to be a fic about Magnus Is Sad About His Dead Wife. this is one of the reasons i was reluctant and SUPER nervous to publish this fic?

this isn’t a fic about Magnus’s Wife Died And He’s Sad About It; i don’t think i’d want to write that story. this is a fic about a whole lot of trauma and neurodivergency that lines up and snowballs into some bad shit.]

Magnus stares down into his cup, holding his breath. It’s late, and he’s exhausted, but he feels – different, for having said that. It’s like telling Merle how to take care of Steven: Lighter. Like a weight’s been taken off of his shoulders.

Taako exhales loudly, whistling through his teeth. “Shit.”

“Yeah, you pretty much said it.”

“Look, I’m not an expert in like, brain stuff, or anything, but. You know that’s not like… a thing that everybody has to deal with, right? And that there are probably people you could like, I don’t know. Talk to about this, if you’re into that.”

“Yeah.”

“People who aren’t me, for starters.”

“Yeah.”

[that was the other thing with this fic that i struggled with; i didn’t wanna be like Talking To Other People About Your Problems Cures Your Depression, and i ESPECIALLY didn’t wanna go for the trope of one character being the other’s therapist.]

“‘S nothing personal, just, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m kind of shitty –”

“That’s not true!” Magnus protests.

“Shitty at this, hombre. Emotions. Those things. Like, I don’t have my own trauma sorted out, I don’t exactly think that I can give you good advice, but if you want help, I’m out here. You know.” His words become more and more wooden as he speaks, and Magnus gets the idea that this is quite possibly the most honest Taako’s ever been.

That makes two of them.

“This is awful supportive of you,” Magnus says, teasing. Taako perks up almost instantly.

“Yeah, well. There’s only room for one depressed asshole on the moon, and that spot’s taken, buddy.“

[uhhhhhhh AND SCENE! the scene after this was fairly painless compared to this; overall the kitchen scene was the hardest thing i’ve ever written just in terms of… idk, wanting to do the subject matter Right.]