#honestly i haven't been triggered like this in probably years LOL

[barulf]

when the emotional turmoil turmoiled you right into the beginnings of a nasty cold

thanks. perfect. now it's not just my brain giving out on me but my body as well! love that for me

[cheegu3]

Hi, I loved your glory based enha fic so much! Please do a part 2 or sequel of it? I want to see why they bully and kiss the mc at same time. Maybe you can make it yandere since you mentioned that it was not?

Honestly I'm new to your blog but love your work so much!

I've gotten many requests like this, so I decided to make a mini series out of it, technically it's my first series to finish so lower ur expectations everyone lol. Thank you so much for reading and supporting my work, welcome & love u !! <3

dc list (all the ppl that requested a pt.2) - @ceeesxy-blog, @roses-and-blue-perennial-salvia, @/anons special thanks to @muminpopz, for giving me the idea to introduce a second character !!

to clarify - my last part was still yandere, that's why they wanted to kiss her, I think I wrote that in my last fic bc it wasn't really mentioned much.

note; I haven't planned the plot 100% so voting will probably be a big part of deciding what happens next, only the first ones to read (24hrs) get to vote but u can still leave your opinions in the comments <3

this is a bit long, I apologize in advance, I am determined to give this an ending now lol

wc; 4.4k

pairing; enha x f.m reader

featuring; yeonjun & soobin (txt)

tw / trigger warning; yandere themes, severe bullying, the glory inspired, scars, mentions of forced kissing, mentions of drinking and smoking, trauma, swearing

pt.1

Enhypen - the glory (PT.2)

The irritating fluorescent lights flickering above made you scrunch your nose and turn on your side. Those damn hospital lights reminded you of those moments you'd spent there a couple of years ago, when your mom needed treatment for her illness. They felt eerie, almost like a weakening heartbeat flickering back at you while you stared at them.

Now here you were, back at the hospital again. Your dad had accidentally spotted the burns, poking out from under your shirt as you raised your arms above your head to put something on a shelf. Wishing you'd been more careful was useless now as you looked at the sleeping form of your dad slumped over the dreary hospital bed.

Your bullies had no idea you were in the hospital, but surely they'd be notified soon enough. There was no way your dad would let this thing go after seeing how badly they left you. He had dried tears on his hollow cheeks that made your heart twist painfully in guilt.

Although it wasn't your fault at all, you didn't want to be a burden to him. He already worked more than his body could handle, constantly stressed with the increasing workload his company gave him.

'' Miss, y/n? ''

You sat up straight at the sound of a nurse. She approached your bed with a sympathetic smile on her face, and you felt bad for her too. She looked young, too young - had you scarred her as well with your injuries? They weren't very nice to look at after all.

'' Yes? '' you whispered, eyes fleeting briefly to your dad sleeping to let the nurse know not to wake him up.

'' We've administered some soothing cream and medicine in case the pain gets too unbearable. If you wish, you may go home now. ''

You nodded. '' Thank you. ''

You reached out your hand and gently pat your dad. He grunted and slowly got up, stretching his sore neck as he slowly started waking up. He looked at you questioningly instead of asking what was wrong.

'' They said I could go home. ''

He sighed, maybe a bit louder than he had intended to because a look of regret flashed across his face, hurriedly he assured you, '' I wasn't worried about the bills, honey. ''

You knew he was but you didn't say anything. The promise of your warm, comfortable bed waiting at home was enough for you to stay quiet, even during the whole ride home.

Hearing the additional quiet sighs of your exhausted dad behind you when you hurried to your bedroom, made another pang of guilt hit you. But this time you ignored it too - another more important thought was filling up your mind now.

What would happen at school tomorrow?

You slipped under the heated covers and as a result of the long day, you fell asleep almost as soon as your head hit the pillow.

*******

You were one of the earliest students to arrive this time. Taking your designated spot at the back of the class, your head naturally fell into your arms as you yawned off the morning grogginess.

Before you left that morning, your dad had given you a smile and told you that, ' If those punks give you trouble again, call me '. But he had said so while balancing both his files and a cup of nearly spilled coffee, along with a laptop tucked under his arm. You'd seen him for maybe a few minutes before he disappeared off to work again.

You smiled a bit melancholically, knowing that if trouble did arise you wouldn't call him. Hopefully you wouldn't have a reason to do so anyway; maybe they'd be more gentle with you since they gave you such a harsh punishment last time.

The bell rang, startling you and making you raise your head. The class was pretty much full now. By instinct your eyes dart to where they always sat. Surprisingly, they were all in their seats but didn't seem to be paying you too much attention.

A few of them looked sleepy, slumped over their desks like you had been just a minute ago. The others had dark circles under their eyes and stared blankly towards the blackboard.

Rough night? They almost looked like they'd been out partying. You scoffed. It wouldn't shock you if they had; they sometimes smelled of smoke as they'd kiss you in the gym, so you wouldn't put it past them to drink during a school night too.

'' Good morning, class! '' the teacher's cheerful voice cut through the room.

The tired students responded back but in a much less bright tone.

'' We have a new student today. A transfer from Ansan. ''

The murmur from the usual chatty students stopped, and it became dead quiet. Just then the classroom door slid open and a tall, very good-looking guy crouched to get in.

'' This is Soobin, please introduce yourself. '' the teacher smiled.

'' Hi everyone, I'm Soobin. Nice to meet you. '' he said solemnly.

He sounded a bit shy and he didn't keep eye-contact with the students for long, eyes dashing anxiously from person to person while he clasped his hands together.

When his eyes landed on you, you smiled politely. Based on first impressions alone, it was clear as day to anyone that this guy didn't seem like a bully, so you wanted to be nice to him.

It's not easy being new, you knew that very well when you had to transfer during the second part of the first year. Back then, there weren't any people like you that would want to take care of the newcomer, like you wanted to take care of Soobin - and that's how you became their target. You couldn't let that happen to this guy.

'' You can take the seat next to y/n, that one in the back. '' you heard the teacher say.

You smiled again, that would certainly make things a bit easier as he would be sitting closer to you than your bullies. The part where you actually had to try to become friends was harder. You couldn't remember the last time you had a friend.

Soobin cautiously walked over to his seat, keeping his eyes down the whole time. He looked even taller up close, and he barely fit in his seat which made you snort quietly to yourself.

The teacher turned her back and started writing on the board as the murmur returned again. You fiddled nervously with your fingers before finally turning your head to him, determination shining in your eyes.

He must've seen you do so in his peripheral vision because he looked at you too, his bunny-like eyes growing twice its size.

'' Hi, I'm y/n. ''

'' Yeah, she...uh said so. '' he gestured to the teacher and then seemed to cringe at himself.

You let out a light laugh, maybe you were both equally awkward.

'' I guess she did. '' you gave him a genuine smile, one that reached your eyes. It had been a long time since you'd smiled in that way.

'' I'm Soobin. '' he seemed to relax when he saw your smile, a small one played on his own lips as he observed you timidly.

'' I know, she said that. '' you teased back.

He chuckled and you thought you saw him blush before he turned to pick up his notebooks from his backpack. You did the same, starting to copy the material from the board.

'' Hey, is it- okay if I eat lunch with you later? I know it's a weird thing to ask, but I don't really have anyone. '' he quickly rambled after you had been taking notes for some time.

'' I mean, you don't have to say yes if you already have someone you're eating with I just thought I'd ask. ''

A shy pout formed on his lips, seemingly indicating that he felt that he had embarrassed himself again. But you found it cute.

'' No, that sounds perfect. I don't really have any friends either. '' you admitted.

'' Oh. ''

'' It's okay. '' you laughed.

And then the two of you continued studying, while the sweet promise of having someone to finally eat lunch with was circling inside your mind.

*******

When the bell rang, you quickly packed up your things and waited for Soobin outside. You were slightly scared that if you were one of the last ones to leave, then your bullies would catch you red-handed and see your newfound friendship, prompting them to do something to the new student.

Soobin looked happy walking by your side, completely oblivious to all the stares and whispers that followed the two of you. He was even humming something, moving his head slightly all the way through the queue in the cafeteria to the walk to your table.

You chose one that was out of sight from the entrance, just in case they'd eat today. They often didn't - being from snobby rich families and all, they were grossed out by the cafeteria food and would usually drive home during lunch or go out to a restaurant together.

Someone must've told them about you and Soobin however, because you suddenly heard the table next to you gasp and gossip.

'' Why are they eating here today? ''

One of the girls glanced towards you, and when the others noticed, they all looked at you. Soobin looked confused, he stopped midway with his mouth open and his chopsticks carrying the food dropped it clumsily.

They giggled at him. But you couldn't even find humour in something like that when you had a bad feeling in your stomach. They were probably right when they looked at you as the answer to their question.

But why? Why would this make them angry? What would they do to Soobin now?

'' Hey, y/n. ''

You raised your head cautiously, dreading to see them. The fact that they seemed so out of it during the lesson shouldn't have made you feel so confident that it meant they'd avoid you all day.

Jake was the one who stood slightly in front of the group, the others gave threatening glares to students that looked like they wanted to intervene, making them hurriedly scurry away.

'' Yes? '' you couldn't hide the irritation in your voice.

'' What do you think you're doing? '' Jake cocked an eyebrow and then his attention was caught Soobin who was peacefully eating.

Your bullies seemed to assess him from head to toe which made the poor new student look very uncomfortable, causing him to squirm in his seat and clear his throat.

'' Eating lunch? '' you snarkily respond and then attempt to go back to eating while ignoring them.

You heard a scoff.

'' Did we say you could do that? '' Jay sneered, looking down at you.

Your cheeks started heating up and you turned your head as it started to show. The whole thing being done in front of Soobin made it feel ten times worse. Had you now lost a potential friend because they wanted to embarrass you like this on his first day?

You were about to respond but were interrupted by them all abruptly moving to squeeze in next to you and Soobin. The two of you exchanged confused looks.

'' We just wanted to join, can we not do that? '' Sunghoon winks to the flustered new student, who nods hesitantly.

But your lack of answer didn't satisfy them. Heeseung who sat closest to you, rested his hand on your exposed thigh as his eyes held a non-spoken warning in them.

'' Of course. '' you respond flatly, earning a satisfied grin from him.

It felt like you were holding your breath all throughout that excruciatingly long lunch. They'd never eaten with you before and it became clear quite quickly that the reason they did so today wasn't because of you - but, because of Soobin.

All throughout, their focus was on him and not you. It made you feel uneasy, like they had something up their sleeves. The new student was asked questions enthusiastically, which he answered happily as he slowly got out of his shell more and more. But you noticed the looks and the smirks they shared when he wasn't looking. Problem was that any time you'd try to warn Soobin, that hand would return back to your thigh. Heeseung didn't need to say anything, you knew not to test it. Still you hoped you'd have the chance to warn him later.

The reason why was because the way they treated Soobin on his first day made you get a horrible sense of deja-vu. In an instant you were transported back in time to your very own first day.

*******

You overheard girls talking in the halls while waiting for the teacher outside the classroom; about some guy they had hooked up with.

'' Are you fucking stupid? '' one of the girls sudden aggressive outburst made you perk your ears up without meaning to.

You didn't exactly have anything else to occupy your bored mind with while waiting anyway, so you eavesdropped a little.

'' Lee Heeseung? You hooked up with the Lee Heeseung? ''

Shifting your weight and turning over while pressed against the wall, you tried to get a good look at the poor girl who seemed to have gotten taken advantage of.

'' He's a known fuckboy and player. '' the angry one continued.

The girl you assumed was the topic of conversation shrugged, but she had a slight sad frown on her face.

'' I thought that...maybe I could change him. ''

The two others girls erupted into shrill laughter. You couldn't help but feel some sympathy for her despite her bad decisions. The teacher interrupted just as you were about to ask them about the guy, so you could avoid him.

'' Y/n? Are you ready? ''

You grimaced and nodded, giving one last look at the girl before following the teacher into the classroom.

Immediately a small pang of panic hit you. It wasn't empty like you'd expected, in fact - pretty much every single chair was filled with a student.

'' Good morning, class! '' the teacher's cheerful voice brought you back to reality.

You just had to introduce yourself and then the danger was over. You could spend the rest of the day glued to your desk, not talking to anyone and when lunchtime would hit, the convenience store across the school was your best bet.

'' We have a new student today. A transfer from Seongnam. ''

'' This is y/n, please introduce yourself. ''

You looked at the teacher, slight panic evident in your eyes. Clearing your throat you stepped forward a few steps.

'' Hi everyone, I'm y/n. Nice to meet you. ''

Your anxiety slowly started dissapating when a few students answered back politely and you released a breath you didn't know you'd been holding in.

'' You can take the seat next to Heeseung, that one in the back. '' you heard the teacher say, she was gesturing towards the back right of the classroom where a bunch of guys were huddled over one table, too busy talking to register what the teacher had said.

You obediently walked over there and tried not to make a scene when you put your things on the chair that was closest to the table they were all gathered around.

To your dismay, the owner of the popular table had noticed you in the corner of his eye. He quickly waved everyone away and then focused his attention on you.

It was very hard to ignore.

'' Hey, sweetheart. ''

No matter how hard you fought back to not show any reaction, your face scowled at the sound of his nickname, earning an abrupt laugh from one of the boys.

You were sure this meant bad news for you, a guy like that wouldn't want to be humiliated in front of his whole friend-group, so you quickly gave him a sheepish smile.

'' Yes? ''

Your innocent tone made his eyes narrow as more of the boys laughed. The longer you kept eye-contact, the more you felt him openly glare with something you couldn't quite explain glinting in his brown gaze.

Before he could embarrass himself in front of his friends further, he stood up so suddenly that the chair underneath made a loud screeching noise. To you surprise, everyone minded their business which was very different from your last school where everyone was nosy and the sound would've immediately made people whip their heads around in curiosity.

He dragged the chair as close as he could to next to yours, so close that the material was slightly pushing into your bare thigh.

Your eyebrows knit together as you watched him sit down. It was way too close for your comfort; you could even smell his cologne and the fact that it was so obvious it was an expensive one made you immediately annoyed.

He leaned in now, being just a few inches above your ear and most likely shielding you from his friends.

'' Do you know who I am? ''

Your loud scoff for answer seemed to enrage him even more. His much larger hand found your wrist and easily trapped it in a painful grip.

'' No, sorry. '' you hurriedly answer, feeling a lot less brave now, your wrist was already starting to hurt.

'' I'm Heeseung, remember that. ''

In your scared state, your head seemed to move on its own, rapidly nodding obediently. A victorious smirk appeared on his face before he finally retreated, dragging the chair behind him back to the group.

You dreaded the sound of the bell ringing. Predicting that he'd be standing right outside the classroom waiting for you with his friends. It was a long shot, but you tried taking the other door.

'' Hee? ''

You gasped, bumping into a taller male's chest. When you backed away and looked up, you cursed under your breath - it was one of his friends.

It seemed that they had thought of the possibility of you attempting to flee. The thought made your cheeks turn red.

Heeseung joined his friends who'd been guarding the door you tried to escape out of. Looking down at you very arrogantly, as if he could read your face and your thoughts, knowing you were flustered.

'' Did you try to run away? '' he snickered, putting his hands in his pockets and tilting his head at you.

It had the effect you were sure he wanted, you felt mocked and avoided his eyes.

'' Sorry. ''

He hummed before you felt his fingers wrap around your wrist again.

'' Let's go. ''

You went with them without protesting. Although you feared where they were taking you, you feared speaking and potentially getting on their nerves because of it, way more.

They were quiet the whole way, which seemed to never end. You passed by many classrooms, the cafeteria and walked down the loneliest and darkest corridor; yet they only spoke when the ones in front of the group seemed to come to a halt in front of a double door.

'' Open it. '' you heard one of the ones behind you say.

The tallest of the group, who was in front, unlocked it instantly and the lock fell to the floor in a loud thump. He pushed it open all the way, revealing a very large gymnast hall.

'' Why did you take me here? ''

It had become quite clear very fast that these people weren't someone you should mess with, and they were pretty high up on the school's hierarchy judging by the way no one interfered; instead pretending like they didn't see you pass by.

You made a quick guess that whenever they needed something, like the perfect place to do something bad to someone without others hearing - they were given it in one way or another. Maybe some poor student had been forced to get the keys from the teacher just to satisfy them.

'' Go sit over there. ''

Your head follow the voice. It was a pretty tall guy who was undeniably very handsome, from his silver hair and defined eyebrows to his deep voice, everything about him was pretty attractive.

It made you wonder what he wanted with you.

You didn't ponder on that thought long however, moving in a haste again to make sure they didn't get angry. Jumping up on the plinth he had pointed at, you watched nervously as they all approached the stairs leading up to a stage that your back was facing.

Without them needing to tell you to, you automatically turned around just in time for them to form a half-mood around you. Trying to read their faces was very difficult as they all looked at Heeseung who was sitting straight across from you, staring right back.

'' Why did you take me here? '' you try to ask again.

'' Well...I- we like you '' he answered simply, shrugging like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

'' What? '' you say dumbfoundedly.

'' I was trying to hit on you earlier, I don't know if you noticed. '' Heeseung bit down hard on his lip to stop himself from smiling.

'' But being nice didn't really work on you, did it? ''

'' We realised that with you, we need to use more extreme methods. '' a new voice said, one of the ones that hadn't said a word to you yet, who had strawberry blond hair and a soft voice.

'' Wh-What do you mean by that? '' your eyebrows knit together as your eyes darted anxiously between the two closest to you, being prepared to run if you had to.

'' I'm Sunghoon. '' the silver haired-boy said, ignoring your question.

'' I'm Jake. '' said the guy next to him.

Your gaze naturally averted to him. He looked like an innocent puppy, you wondered why he was friends with people like Heeseung. But when your eyes locked, he winked at you and you got your answer, face quickly turning into a grimace of disgust.

'' I'm Ni-ki. '' the tallest one said.

'' I'm Sunoo. '' the gentle one said, catching you off-guard when he flashed a big friendly grin.

'' Jungwon. '' the one closest to you on the other side said grumpily, not even bothering to look at you while saying it.

His red hair that seemed to be fading, was a perfect match to his personality, the whole time he looked like he was in a sour mood.

'' I'm Jay. '' the one furthest from you said.

He looked like a pretty scary guy, dark hair that was cut in a way that framed his sharp features.

'' That's everyone. Don't forget their names, okay? '' Heeseung spoke up last, tilting his head while smiling slightly at you.

Your voice didn't seem to work, you felt frozen in your spot, like you were glued to the plinth underneath you.

'' Can you not speak? ''

You saw anger flash across his face which only made your panic worse, but you couldn't get a single word out despite it, only a string of stutters and incomprehensible words left your mouth.

'' Do you want me to help you? ''

Not even registering that he had gotten up from his seat, you were taken by surprise when his rough hands grabbed either side of your face as his lips devoured you.

You tried to scream or turn your head so he couldn't have access to your mouth, but it was to no avail. Eventually your hands fell limp. All you could do was pray that it would end quickly, while your whines of protest were muffled by his hungry lips.

When he pulled away, he had a cocky smile on his face.

'' Get used to this. '' were his last words you heard before they left, forever engrained in your mind.

And that was how it started. No matter how much it happened, which was pretty much every other day after school at this point - it still didn't get easier, your clothes always got stained with tears. Their voices didn't help calm you down when you'd see the obvious desire in their eyes. They were like a hungry pack of wolves, just waiting for their turn with the prey

*******

The school bell rang after about half an hour, instantly snapping you out of your daydream. Your bullies said their goodbyes and then left, with one last look at you. But you shrugged it off and immediately leaned over the table to talk to Soobin.

'' Don't trust them, please! They might be all nice and sound like they actually want to be your friend but they're horrible bullies and- '' you hesitated before pulling up your sleeve to reveal the marks they'd left on you. '' They did this to me! Trust me...they're not good people. ''

Soobin's eyed widened in horror and his hand slightly twitched, as if he was either holding back the urge to clench his fist in anger, or resisting the urge to reach out and gently touch your wounds.

'' I'm sorry. '' was all he said after some time of silence.

You smiled a bit apologetically, pulling down the sleeve again. He seemed sweet and you didn't want to cause him distress for no reason, it just felt a lot more impactful if you showed him to make him believe you.

'' It's okay, I'm sure you didn't know. They're quite charming at first, that's how they get you. ''

'' I'm a bit offended that you thought I fell for it though. '' Soobin snickered.

'' What? ''

'' You think I believed all that bullshit, right after they spoke to you very passive-aggressively and basically shot daggers my way? ''

'' Uh...well, yeah? ''

He laughed heartily and stood up, you following as he threw the trash off his tray away.

'' That actually makes me feel a bit better. '' you mumblingly confess.

The pair of you walked together to class and spent the next few lessons and breaks together as well, surprisingly unbothered by your bullies this time since you were with someone for the first time in a long time.

At the end of the day when the bell rang, Soobin asked to hang out. He said he wanted to introduce you to his older brother and said he had something to talk about. You reluctantly agreed, but were on guard the whole taxi ride to his house since he was still a stranger.

His house was pretty big, located close to where the richest families in the country lived. He however claimed he wasn't rich; that it was his step-father that was pretty well off, but they didn't have a good relationship so he didn't spoil him.

'' Who are you? ''

You stared at the older male leaning against his desk. His eyes narrowed as they bore into you. Then they shifted to his younger brother who immediately straightened up.

'' It's my new friend, y/n. ''

'' Okay? ''

'' Yeonjun, please be a bit nicer. She needs our help. '' Soobin begged.

A puzzled expression overtook your face as you tugged on his sleeve.

'' What do you mean? ''

'' I will help you take them down. '' he said, a smirk slowly creeping up on his lips. '' Every, single one of them. ''

-

[mackjlee9]

kay i'll take advantage of the hyperfixation bc i'm hyperfixated too 😋 this one is quite angsty? Depends on how you wanna do the end bc i'll leave it up to you

u see how in re6 chris asks leon if he will protect ada despite all the damage she did and he says yeah he is? What if instead of chris asking is leon's long term boyfriend since raccoon city?

like reader kinda knows he's still not over ada bc let's say reader went with him to rescue ashley in re4 and well, ada was there and shit.

so with that reader this time KNOWS leon is till not over ada no matter how much time has passed and he feels kinda betrayed bc they had a full ass relationship since raccoon city and it's been YEARS.

ending up to you ofc depending on how interested u are on writing this lmao. bye byee 💖

Ehe- I tried lol

Leon Kennedy x Male!Reader [Angst]

Maybe spoilers if you haven't played/watched re6?

Masterlist.

Resident Evil 6

(M/n) almost couldn't believe how awful this vacation was turning out to be.

From shooting the president to chasing after Ada herself, Helena could look at him with an apologetic look in her hazel eyes. (M/n) hasn't explicitly told her that he and Leon were dating, just said they were together on a vacation to relax and unwind a bit from their job on the D.S.O, but the situation had become worse than they initially thought.

And now Ada was involved? Well, when wasn't she honestly, that woman seemed to have some sort of GPS on Leon because she always showed up wherever he was, it was rather odd, still, he didn't question it, coincidences were pretty common in this kind of job.

Just look at it this way, they met with Sherry a while ago and now Chris was here too.

The three of them chased after Ada, Leon in front, and (M/n) right behind him, while Helena did her best to keep up behind them, but she was injured and she was struggling to keep up the pace. (M/n) stopped and made sure she was okay, before realizing how far Leon had run already.

"(M/n), go! I'll... I'll be fine, you go after her," she said gently pushing him away, and (M/n) hesitated for a moment, but Helena's reassuring smile helped him make up his mind.

He continued running after Leon, hearing two more foreign voices echo in the building, his eyes observing how Ada was cornered by two BSAA agents and as one of them pulled the trigger, Leon hit the gun away, immediately getting involved in a fight with the man. (M/n) arrived just in time to catch a stumbling Chris and prevent him from falling when Leon kicked his stomach hard enough to make him lose his balance.

Chris groaned from the pain, even when he was kicked over his bulletproof vest, Leon has always been known for having strong legs after all.

"Here," (M/n) mumbled while standing up and helping Chris get up from the ground, hearing him grunt a small 'thank you', all the while still being pointed by Leon with his pistol, "Leon-"

"Shut up," was all the blond said, making him swallow and nod, standing back whilst Chris and Leon started arguing. About Ada, and why she needed to die. (M/n) saw Leon clench his jaw, tightening his hold on the grip of his pistol, his cold blue eyes staring into Chris', "She's a key witness, we need her."

"A witness? She's the one that did all of this!" Chris replied, angry at what Ada had done, and probably at Leon for stopping him earlier.

"No, it wasn't her, it was Simmons, the National Security Advisor," (M/n) looked at them, hearing Helena's stumbling behind them and he helped her stand up. He wasn't sure what he was expecting the outcome of this discussion would be, but something told him he wasn't gonna like it.

"I lost all of my men because of that woman!" Chris yelled as he approached Leon, who kept a firm stance, not even blinking at his outburst.

"And I lost over seventy thousand people, including the president, because of Simmons!" He replied back with the same tone, followed by a deafening silence, the light of a chopper landing on them through the window.

Chris sighed and looked down, shaking his head before staring back at Leon, "She works for Neo-Umbrella, you know what that means?"

(M/n) watched as Leon sighed, "I do."

Glancing back and forth between the two of them, (M/n) took a deep breath, and took a step forward, slightly covering Chris with his body, he doesn't know what made him do it, maintaining eye contact with Leon's blue eyes, that remained cold and serious.

"After all she did to you, to me, to us... You're still gonna protect her, Leon?" The few seconds of silence that followed made his ears ring, the fact that he had to think about it let him know his answer.

Leon's stare hardened, seemingly unfazed by (M/n)'s words, not caring about the pain in his voice.

"I am."

(M/n) released a dry chuckle, turning around and walking away, "I was scared you were gonna say that," he mumbled as he left, finding another way to go downstairs. While he waited for them, he saw a flash of white, soon followed by Ada's body gracefully flying with her grappling hook.

They made eye contact for an instant before she ran away again, like she always did, never deviating from her mission.

He unzipped his pouch, his fingers wrapping around the velvet box, gripping it tightly as tears began gathering in his eyes. (M/n) had planned this vacation perfectly, wanting to make it special and memorable, after all, he and Leon had been in a relationship for 15 years... Or so he thought, because it seemed like he was the naive one who thought that way, when Leon was clearly smitten to Ada, after everything that happened... Everything he had done to make Leon happy...

(M/n) sighed and rubbed his temple before lowering his hand to grab his pistol, but before he could, he hit one of the pouches around his hips, his world freezing and breaking down piece by piece when he realized what he had kept safe there during this whole ordeal.

All of it had been wasted, maybe... Someone else would appreciate all his efforts?

But who? He has never loved anyone other than Leon, and it's not like he could simply move on to someone else, that wouldn't be fair to the other person.

(M/n) observed the black box in his hand, hearing the footsteps of Leon and Helena approaching his position, and he had to dry away the tears that had managed to run down his face, turning toward them with a hint of a smile, putting the box back and closing the zipper again.

"We have to keep going, let's go," he will figure out what to do when all of this is over, but right now, they had a job to do.

[lacrimosathedark]

Thinking about it now, it's kinda weird for Lucifer to have absolutely no idea who Alastor is.

Not even because Alastor has been living with this daughter for five months by the time they meet. Which, I mean, kinda yikes.

It's because of this scene from the pilot.

This is post Extermination Day, the same day Alastor returns from fucking off for seven years. And Lucifer, who we know has isolated himself for at least seven years, is in the same room as Carmilla Carmine, Zestial, and Zeezi. All of whom are, notably, Overlords.

I don't think when Hazbin Hotel takes place is exactly confirmed, but the last solid date I could find was 1992, apparently when Katie Killjoy died, so it's at least past then. And Alastor began taking out Overlords almost as soon as he showed up in 1933, subsequently becoming one himself. That is several decades AT LEAST of Alastor making a name for himself. And it's implied he's known Zestial for much of that time.

All that being said, even if Lucie was isolated that whole time and not paying attention, is it all that likely that none of these Overlords so much as mentioned Alastor, the notorious Radio Demon? I mean probably not Carmilla, but Zestial finds him interesting, and Zeezi doesn't seem the type to keep her mouth shut.

Maybe Lucie forgot in Alastor's seven year absence since he's adorably scatterbrained, but you'd think hearing his name might trigger a memory or something.

Basically what I'm saying is Lucifer just wanted to piss Alastor off lol

I mean, look at the man's eyes. He's having so much fun making Alastor mad and he's never even met the man! Honestly, the way Lucifer's eyes move as Alastor says "Fuck you" is my current obsession. Like...sir, what is that about? It's so fucking funny.

But also, like...why?

The only antagonistic thing Lucifer had actually experienced Alastor doing before that was calling him short. I mean, he didn't see Alastor's initial glare and twitching eye, and maybe barely caught him wiping his hand off after shaking his cane.

Mans was just asking for Alastor to fuck with him at this point.

Alastor has plenty of reasons to hate Lucifer right off the jump, I could write a whole fucking list. But why is Lucie so hostile even before he lays a finger on Charlie?

And it's literally JUST ALASTOR.

Lucifer clearly, at this point, looks down on Sinners as a whole, but he's not openly hostile to anyone but Al. He immediately hugs Vaggie (who, for the record, we don't know if he could tell whether or not she was an angel and honestly if he could he should've been suspicious of her) and is at least polite to the others. He does nothing but look uncomfortable when Niffty fucking scales him. He's even polite to Mimzy when she bursts in and interrupts his argument with Alastor.

He can be polite to Sinners even if they haven't made the best first impression. He doesn't mind Charlie's other friends despite their association with Alastor.

It's just something about Alastor I guess.

[juanitasupreme]

Once again i am asking for recommendations for real housewives franchise🙏 i wanna understand the memes pls

Anon after 1 year of asking me the same question over and over (I'm sorry), I will finally respond.

The real housewives of New York : old-coke(allegedly)-alcoholics-yt women. They are very entertaining so you can probably start randomly and it won't affect you that much (unless if you start by s4 because multiple gets booted after, so if you watch early seasons start from the 1st one). Right now there is the reboot which is the 14th season if you want to follow in real time (entertaining but not the og tho).

The real housewives of Salt Lake City: you are here for a ride. A few words to describe it :Mormons, alleged cult leader, defrauding the elderly and going to jail, almost getting arrested on camera, or someone married to her stepgrandaddy...Rhoslc is the perfect City to start if you want something silly (but also dark) and current since it only got 3 seasons completed and they are doing the s4 right now.

The Real housewives of Atlanta: I haven't seen all rhoa yet but I will recommend for you to start from the 1st season because it represents what true reality TV is about. It's too excellent and Nene Leakes is an icon. You will have a blast.

The real housewives of Potomac: honestly one of the best franchise. The women are very consistent and hilarious.

The real housewives of Beverly Hills: it's iconic but the past years have been boring. I will advise you to start from the beginning like Rhoa because it's what reality TV was about. It's very dark the first two seasons tho (tw domestic violence). I hope you have a blast during the Amsterdam trip.

I have no idea about what's going on in Jersey or Orange County (they all look like maga mega group not saying other housewives aren't but those are triggering lol). Dubai is here but voilà. You got some in Australia which I haven't seen. And I feel like @scortchedtoast would recommend the reboot of Miami. Now enjoy!

[moondragon618]

So uh. I think I've decided that I want to be a little bit more open about some things on here bc honestly trying not to acknowledge it is just causing me a ton of unnecessary stress (and I'm sure as fuck not acknowledging it irl lmaooo) so yeah. So I'll start with this: I'm currently unemployed and living with my parents (mom and stepdad) and my younger but also adult brother (they all have some form of income but it's only just barely enough to get by). Now on its own the whole all of us living together thing should not be that big of a deal apparently according to what I've learned from hearing other ppl's experiences in similar situations. Unfortunately my parents do not think like this. My mom especially is convinced that we are literally ruining her life so y'know that's fun (:

Okay but seriously. I'm about to sound like I'm trying to downplay this (and maybe I am bc. Yk.) but like a good 80% or so of the time it's. Fine. We get along okay. But I know that's only bc we never acknowledge The Problems outside of the few bad days and we always just go on like those never even happened. And here's what I mean by bad days btw: ""Family Meetings"". Yeah that phrase is literally a fucking trigger for me now it's fucking bullshit. When I was younger it meant "me getting screamed at about how fucked up I am and how fucked I'll be in the "real world" and how I'm just "a soft spoiled little bitch bc I never got my ass beat" (like my brother. bc he's definitely fine and has no issues at all lmaooo) (and usually without the bitch part aside from once when I was a teenager) and now it's more "me getting screamed at by my mom abt how I'm ruining her life and her marriage" etc. etc. So yeah. My stepdad is a little better in that he only yelled at me one time when I was like 12 I think? And then never again. And he seems to at least understand that if screaming at still hasn't "fixed" me after 25 fucking years then it's probably not going to so yeah. And he did actually kind of stand up for me during the last one (in late September-ish) which I know isn't much but it's still way more than anyone else has done so I do appreciate it.

Anyway the last one was really fun (terrible) I got the usual + being told I being disrespectful for not coming out to the living room bc I was having a panic attack and quite literally frozen and unable to move 👍👍👍 And I've also been limited to just my phone since then bc my mom took my computer (bc god forbid we consider there might be a reason I'm on it so much) and still hasn't given it back and tbh I think I'd rather kms than ask for it back so that's fun too (:

I am aware that this is abusive behavior and that screaming at your child for any reason is in fact child abuse btw. It took me until very recently to come to terms with that even while knowing that (and I'm probably still not fully there tbh) but I know. It's that fucking generational trauma bullshit yk. My mom's side of the family is Fucked Up like her parents were terrible and their (mostly her dad's idk the other ones lol) parents. Yeah I'm not even comfortable talking about them right now that's like a whole other thing lmao. But yeah I know that doesn't even remotely make it okay.

And yeah like the day after shit like that happens we just never acknowledge it again until everyone's losing their shit again because nothing ever changes. Believe it or not being screamed at does not help me figure out how to navigate getting a source of income or how I'm supposed to do anything when we sure as fuck can't afford another vehicle or how I'm ever going to be able to afford my own place to live lmaooo. And I also literally cannot even talk to them about any of this without losing my ability to speak so that really doesn't help either (: I sure as fuck haven't tried calling out the bullshit either bc fuck that there's no fucking way that's going over well and I couldn't even if I wanted to (: (: (:

So I'm just kinda stuck here ig. It's really not too bad (most of the time). I'm not saying that to minimize or invalidate anything either I just want you all to know that it's not like super urgent or anything, I'm not in danger, my mental health isn't great obviously but I'm not at risk of hurting myself or suicide or anything. Promise <3 I'm a tenacious bastard sticking around out of pure spite and a desire to keep creating things if nothing else lmao :)

God this is kind of a trauma dump lmao but that about sums it up ig? I'm also very much open to advice if anyone has any <3

[eldritchsurveys]

1199.

in what form of communication did you last use to talk to the person you're currently interested in? . if you were to leave the house right now, would you change your outfit all? >> I did leave the house for a brief store run a couple of hours ago and I changed from my house pjs into a pair of cutoffs and a Totoro tank top.

when was the last time something really cute happened to you? . why aren't you texting the last person you kissed? .

has anything happened to you within the past month that's made you really happy? >> That mindblowing reconnection with Bruni happened in the past month, so yeah, definitely.

do you want to see someone right now? >> I don't.

did a boy or girl text message you last? . when was the last time something bothered you? >> I haven't been bothered at all today, and I attribute that to not having been on any sort of socmed (aside from a cursory check of facebook, and my fb feed is 98% local businesses so that hardly counts) including Discord all day. I know people talk about the detrimental effects of being Quite So Online all the time but I hadn't realised it for myself until literally today. Most of my triggers are socialisation-based and spending so much time performing personhood for what amounts to strangers and casual acquaintances every single day is probably making me way more insane than I can handle being. This is truly the most relaxed day I've had in a while. Funny how my sense of isolation is actually intensified (maybe even created) by being around ("around") people so often -- the "alone in a crowd" effect but multiplied (there are so many people on the internet). Anyway, the last time something bothered me was... hmm. I don't remember if anything bothered me yesterday, yesterday was actually my first day out of the intense trauma fog I'd been in for the past week and a half. And honestly the limit of my short term memory is like 12 hours lmao, so.

what was the last thing you looked up on youtube? >> I don't remember the last thing I actively searched for. The last thing I watched was a 2 hour Diablo IV critique, lol. It definitely made me feel less crazy about how that game felt to play (bad. it feels bad).

have you held hands with anyone in the past 24 hours? >> I have not. did the last guy/girl you kissed have any piercings? .

what exactly did you drink the last time you were intoxicated? >> I don't remember the last time I was intoxicated by way of alcohol.

do you actually love your parents? .

have you ever had a school picture turn out absolutely dreadful? >> Several times, yeah. Ninth grade was the worst. But I was also actively being abused in ninth grade, so I cut myself a lot of slack there.

are you more prone to being the social butterfly, or the wallflower? >> Wallflower -- sometimes in a sad way, but sometimes in a "I just like to chill out and watch people be people" way.

would you rather go to a katy perry or taylor swift concert? >> I would rather stay the fuck home, thanks. have you ever thrown up from working out? >> I have not and I can't imagine pushing myself that hard. Like, for what. I'm not interested in that level of exercise at all. what pattern do the sheets on your bed have? >> No pattern.

are your days full and fast-paced? >> Not at all.

what languages can you count to ten or higher in? >> Just English.

where did you get the underwear you are wearing right now? >> Some big-box store. are you good with painting nails with your left hand? >> I'm competent at it.

do you feel uncomfortable sharing drinks with other people? >> I share drinks with Sparrow all the time. We've been living in the same house for 8 years, we definitely have merged immune systems by now.

have you gone through a lot emotionally, or has life been easy thus far? >> all I can do is laugh at this question tbh

have either of your grandparents ever told you a sexual joke? .

do you spend more time outside or inside? >> Inside. would you rather give up the computer or the tv? >> I rarely use the TV in the first place and the only thing I use it for is, like, playing the PS4. sooo do you own any fake designer purses? >> I don't.

who was the last person you were with that smelled really good? . do you think braces are sexy? >> Not as a rule.

what were you for halloween in first grade? . last person to make you seriously mad? >> Sparrow.

don't you hate when people have cell phones but never answer them? >> This has zero effect on me because I don't call people... who have you recently made up with after fighting? .

what kind of toothpaste do you use? >> Whatever's reasonably priced. I think we're using Crest right now.

last thing you bought at the grocery store? >> We had to get pickles because Sparrow will not make fried chicken sandwiches without pickles, it's a RULE. And then we picked up a couple of tasty treats while we were there. what were you doing this morning at 1am? >> Sleeping. funniest name you have ever heard? .

what could someone do to irritate you? >> So much shit in this world irritates me. You genuinely do not even have to try to irritate me, it will happen whether you intend it to or not, lol. I try not to hold it against people because I know this about me.

have you used a tissue today? >> I have not.

the last person that slept in your bed gets arrested, what do you do? . what color hair does your mom have? .

when people ask "how are you?" do you say "good" even if you aren't? >> I usually just rattle off a quick "fine"/"fine and you" and move on to what I'm actually there to say. I know the question isn't a literal one, it's just one of those social script things.

honestly, did you really love the last person you said i love you to? .

when was the last time you were told you were cute? . how was your friday? >> Friday... oh, hey, that's today (yeah I had to check--). It was great, actually. I've already talked about why in a previous question. But also I played some Grim Dawn which I love, and I finished that A Slow Death book (I'm obsessed with radiation so that counts as a good read to me), and it's nice and warm outside. And I had a fresh homemade fried chicken sammich. 10/10 day, no notes. when is the last time you were in a swimming pool? >> I think that was at Easton Mountain, a whole lifetime ago. did you speak to your father today? .

what was the last thing you drank? >> This probiotic soda that they were giving out for free(??) at Bridge Street Market.

is there anyone you want to come see you? .

how did you wake up this morning? >> I'm pretty sure my upstairs neighbour woke me up, as usual.

[katyspersonal]

Honestly, not how I expected it to be resolved. I think I've seen what concept of coping in a human form would be like. After a long string of this person trying one way to blame me for everything after another and another and another. Back then in summer when A found out I vagueblogged about her, she tossed that "apology" at me and instantly blocked. In that message she claimed the reason why she threw us to Dr Eugene X and her horde of huntsmen was not something personal but her feeling morally obligated to provide any testimony she could in hopes to remedy situation. Like, showing truth rather than my self-defence or Dr Eugene X's exagerration (A's own words)

But this time, when I confronted her and she engaged in discussion, facade fell very fast and she admitted that she considered me deserving that backstabbing. That it was not a mistake like I started to think, not lack of psyop immunity, not twisted idea of her "duty" but intentional, calculated, malicious act with sole purpose to hurt me as a revenge for hurting her. That I deserved the whole arc of her pretending to have forgiven my paranoid outburst when she defended my stalker only to strike from the back. That I deserved backstabbing and that's why she did it. I was absolutely losing my shit and physically unable to think rationally from pain and fear, but she said I made a CHOICE to "start a war" with her, so I had no right to complain that she was "fighting dirty" (I am quoting her word to word here). Basically, A is Petrus lol

She said I used my trauma, mental illness and state of having been regularly stalked and slandered back then to "excuse" having hurt her by calling her brainwashed and two-faced, for defending THE person that reduced me to paranoid, aggressive mess to begin with. And as a final punch in the gut, she said that the way I reacted at her triggering my paranoia (even if not on purpose) was evidence that I haven't changed after what I was like 6 years ago. I asked how comes that the only way a person changes to the better is if they never make mistakes again or never have negative emotions again but got no response. Only attempt to rage quit on me for "pointless" discussion in the fashion of the worst narcissistic parent that just got their logical error pointed out. Not only a common Westerner L on not understanding how humans work, but also it was vile to use the biggest regret in my life against me like that.

I kinda.. trusted for that time that she WAS sorry for backstabbing me. But after sleeping for like 2 hours, in retrospective, from how much she bashed me for everythibg being entirely my fault, I assume she is only sorry because that action brought her more stress than it was worth. And she also considers herself more hurt out of us two after admitting that she completely forgot about me until I messaged her, when I haven't been able to stop hurting and crying because of her after half a year.

If you gonna carry out anything from another turn of my never ending downward spiral of epic fails, then 1) if someone's words are seriously hurtful and cruel and you didn't deserve them, obliterate the bastard verbally where they STAND! do not just conceal your pain not even once offering a chance to make up for the damage done, until you have a chance for revenge??? seriously WTF?! 2) however, if someone gets aggroed at you calling them two-faced to the point they have to plot revenge and victimblame, you've probably guessed right about them 3) paranoid outbursts and alike are not a calculated choice 4) some people don't know how humans work, just because someone tells you that you are an inconsiderate monster that can't stay in society without harming people and use your mental pain and trauma as an excuse to get away with it doesn't mean it is true (especially note it if you have BPD like me, I know yall have a toxic trait of hearing insane accusations about you and just agree with them) 5) for some reason my string of closures is stuck at "seeing ugly truth at last" theme. Can someone really good hurt me? Lol /j

It was still a valid point on her end that the way cruel, angry words I say without thinking can seriously wound someone who already has low self-esteem and depression. It is just better if I do not try to get close with people that have such problems until I can change my reaction to pain and fear from aggression to distancing. Not gonna happen soon because since early childhood it was anger that allowed me to persist at least somewhat against all the abuse within my family. Not crying, not hiding, not distancing. It is very hard wired in my brain to react at signs of danger by trying to destroy it.. so yeah, look, you've been warned. If you already feel like shit about yourself don't let me too close just in case, I am fine with emotional distance. Because when I get alerted or scared (of abandonment, being lied to, intent to harm me etc) I say bad, cruel shit that won't let you sleep for a while. I am sorry everyone who I already made feel unsafe with my outbursts.

[dogtoling]

Do you ever get tired, or annoyed, of these questions? Because I can sit here and come up with more questions all day, and watch you answer them. I can slow down, or stop if you like. Just want to know if this is bugging you.

Besides Splatoon, any other games you like?

Side thought: I feel like games like Splatoon break the immersive lore by calling everything "ink". It's a trap that games like Pokemon fall into, where Pokemon has everything starting with Poke. By calling so much stuff "ink" or stuff like that, you break the immersion. Do you really think that Inklings would name everything starting with ink? Or Splat. No, they wouldn't. That would be as weird as humans calling everything "human" or something. It just doesn't make sense. Inkopolis, Inkadia, Splatsville, and more.

No I don't really, I like excuses to write essays. The only time asks get on my nerves is when people come to my askbox to try and use me as a publisher for their own completely unrelated theories, in which case MY GOD, get out of MY ASK BOX and just go post it on your OWN BLOG. I think this is just a general PSA at this point for people thinking of sending asks... before you send an ask, take a moment to think if it's actually a QUESTION, if it's something i'm likely to be able to answer, and if the answer to both of those is "no", ask yourself why you're sending it. I don't mind the occasional non-question asks, but sometimes there's just stuff that's like... what am I supposed to say about that? And it might just get the delete treatment. I don't really like saying this stuff because I don't want to discourage people from sending asks (because I like receiving them and seeing people's thoughts!), but there's been numerous times before where I've gotten an ask that's got like nothing to even do with me and could've easily been a reply or an original post! But as far as asks go, I don't mind as long as it's... actually an ASK most of the time. It usually makes my day seeing an ask notification, actually, so no, I don't really mind repeat asks. In fact I'd even encourage them if my previous reply raised more questions.

As for game series, I like Pokemon (regrettably), although scarlet and violet were incredibly disappointing to me and I played the game for like... a week. I don't see myself going back to it honestly lol. But Pokemon is definitely my second-largest interest. Battling is my least favorite part of it. I just really like creatures. I DON'T like the inconsistent (or hard to decipher, rather) worldbuilding and for that reason, I haven't bothered making content about it. (But I am part of some PMD groups on other sites...) I like Zelda a lot but I wouldn't call it something I'm REEEAALLY into. Twilight Princess is my favorite, I've only really played 3D Zeldas... I like them, but my GOD the timeline is a freaking mess and I can't be assed to get into the details of the world and lore (there's a lot) so I also don't do zelda content, lol. It's something I enjoy occasionally whenever a new game comes out, but Tears of the Kingdom hasn't sold me so far, to be fair. I'll still buy it and I'm sure I'll love it, but what the hell, man. I already spent 300 hours exploring every single inch of Hyrule in BotW, I hope the main objective isn't exploration again. Other than those two it's mostly smaller games, and I don't really play a lot of games, honestly. Night in the Woods continues to be one of my all-time favorites over stellar characters, a really immersive story, gorgeous art and music. Like I can't think of a single thing I don't like about it except how it will trigger an existential crisis literally every time (which is also the point). It's like the one singular indie game I would say I'm "into", I've played (VERY FEW) other indie games in my time, but pretty much all of them have been a case of "ok cool" and moving on. Night in the Woods tho? Every time the end of the year comes around I WILL think about it and probably play it. Obviously Minecraft is on this list and it might honestly be the best game of all time, but I can barely consider it a game because it's so much more than that, lol. With that being said though I CANNOT be assed to actually play it myself almost ever due to how time-consuming it is (and also building is really hard lol). But honestly? If I had to pick only one game to play for the rest of my life it'd be Minecraft and that's not even a contest... that game can be anything you want it to be!

Splatoon's naming conventions. True, they are, um... unique. I don't think they break the immersion though, depending on what brand you're immersed in. For Splatoon as the funny game it sets itself up to be, it's perfectly in line - I find some of the weirder stuff breaking my immersion VERY OFTEN but that is solely because I build my image of the Splatoon world to be much less cartoony than it actually is, and then you get sucker punched by the silly elements that are just normalized. I think in Splatoon's case (at least with Inkling societies) ink- and splat- are just one of those cultural naming conventions that isn't strange at all in-universe because they're like, used to it. I do wish the localization team got even a little more creative with their naming of places, though... the one good thing I can say is that it makes it really easy to come up with authentic-sounding place names if you're coming up with original locations. Just slap "ink" on it and it's done.

[doodleybugg]

i. apologize for the inactivity guys. i had a rlly bad episode recently and although im back rn i can't promise how long i'll stay JDBDHD

ANYWAYS how about we have a little update? (triggering topics such as sh, ed, etc descriptions will be in red, bold text! i'll try to keep most of the negative stuff at the bottom but no promises :/)

so i forget how long i've been gone exactly, i remember logging in some rare occasions to like and reblog a couple posts but otherwise i've been extremely M.I.A (pun very much intended) and honestly that's been a bit stressful for me.

i've had a LOT of drama in classes. yeah that's right, ya girls in uni now! and i am failing SO BAD. it's rlly hard going to school everyday, like i hate it i just wanna go back to working at a shopping mall or smth lol. but hey the map of my cities kinda set up well, being the uni is right next to a lake, and on the other side is a parking lot w mcds, circle k, chatime, etc. and next to the parking lot, like legitimately across the street, is my house. i moved back in with my mom cuz rent was getting too steep, and honestly id rather be on the streets lol

probably the biggest update ihave; i'm a did system. i got the diagnosis early december, and with a shit ton of research and help from friends who have the disorder because the doctors are no help, i'm getting comfy with the label.

if you're not sure what did (disassociative identity disorder) is, it's basically a disorder which defines the presence of two or more different persons in your mind, alike to multiple personality disorder. again, i'm not a professional, and you'd think my doctor would have given me a run down on why it meant before he diagnosed be but here's how it went:

me: hey, so i haven't looked much into the subject, but my one friend who has did was telling me about their experiences and they lined up with a lot of mine. i think i might want to go about being tested

doc: mia. you don't need to get tested, it's already in your file. we've spoken about this before?

me: ...i don't think we have?

doc:

me: so you're saying you diagnosed me with did and didn't even tell me about it?

doc: well, at least you're aware now, right?

yeah. so that's two doctors i've gone through in the past three years. i didn't throw a stressball at this one, but fuck i wanted too!!

anyways, i guess i should introduce some of my alters :)

i'm mia (she.they.fae.), the host and little, i identify with how the body looks.

enzekai (he.they.it) is the co-host and caretaker, as well as the first alter i purposefully made. kai has many sources, but his main is actually an oc of mine, cairo!

and dwelle (it.she.boo) is our resident trauma holder and nonhuman. she formed recently while i was splitting and hasn't had much time in the front. her main sources are casper from girl in pieces and cassie from skins.

i'll give everyone a better intro but i'll save that for another post!

i have gotten absolutely zero progress done in my book, the toll it takes, and i find it harder and harder to write anything but immensely sad poetry anymore. on the rare occasions i can make up some headcanons but i don't think i'll be able to write any (good) fanfics for a while now, sorry

okay, onto the bad stuff. if anything listed is triggering or unappealing, please don't read ahead: ed (anorexia), sh (cutting, self sabatoge), anxiety and depressive thoughts, suicide mentions, death mentions, and otherwise explanations of feelings like abandonment and lonliness that while, in retrospect wasn't nearly as bad as i thought so, can still be upsetting just to read.

you've been warned

recently, as mentioned above, i've just gotten out of an episode; a bad one. by gotten out of, i mean i've attached myself to select people and depend entirely on them to keep me from self harming or starving. and that's completely unfair, so i've been trying to recover. my friend @my-elysian-love is helping me immensely to eat full meals and reminding myself that i don't deserve what i think i do. i'm so eternally grateful and i can never repay any of them back <3

before my choice to try recovering though, it was getting worse. i weighed 68 pounds at 19 years old. a couple nights ago, i've cut deeper than i ever have before, and i've been stuck with this sinking feeling in my stomach that i can't quite explain. i took out all my bad feelings on people i knew and loved, and when they finally held healthy boundaries and left me to my own devices so i couldn't hurt them, i took everything out on myself. i know, real remus lupin move haha.

but that wasn't fair. and even now i still feel bad, i still hate myself for what i said and did, for how i acted and it scares me how easily people are forgiving me. because i said some messed up shit while i was splitting, and that's not an excuse. and i just keep thinking it's only a matter of time before i blow up again, and maybe i'll be worse next time. maybe people won't come back, and i can't honestly blame them because i'm fucked. and as scared as i am, i'm grateful. or maybe it's just selfish. selfish because i just hate when nobodies around for me to love, to love me back. but i'm still terrified. it's hard to change up my thinking, but i'm trying. i'm trying rlly hard and i just hope that it's enough.

i'm a couple hours clean for self harm, and yesterday i didn't technically eat a full meal like i was supposed too (my older sister got mad at me and wouldn't let me eat anything). i had multiple cookies, a fruit roll up, two cups of tea, a packet of uncooked ramen noodles, a bite of a chicken finger and also i drank water! just water! for the first time in a while.

i hate that it took me fighting with everyone i loved to the point where i didn't even need to push them away anymore, they went willingly, and having multiple panic attacks in public restrooms to finally start on the road to recovery. it is so fucking hard, it's really hard. but fuck, it's worth it to see my friends happy. to not detect worry in their eyes and to believe it when @my-elysian-love says they love me (again i'm so sorry for spamming you aaa). it's worth it to finally eat cinnamon buns again, and drink tea with real sugar, not cal free sweetener. i get a shit ton less headaches cuz i don't constantly need to count cals anymore, and i haven't passed out of dehydration in 2 whole days. ik people without eds are probably like "wtf is this bitch on about?" and that's what i'm talking about. recovery is never the same as sobriety, but it's the next best thing. and i might still struggle with my body or cover up with baggy clothes sometimes but at least i'm alive to do so. cuz a while ago i was too close to death.

i attempted to kill myself again. this time by starving and eating a buncha pills. i'm lucky cuz it didn't work, and i'm still alive. i can only think of what would've happened if it didn't work. if the last. thing i did was tell someone i loved and cared about that i didn't care if they were dead. that the last thing i did was get mad at them for feeling for someone else the same way i felt for them. yk, bpd moments ✨. but i'm glad i lived to apologize and now i'm trying to recover. and ig that's all the updates i have rn

[lepertamar]

thoughts on some characters you haven't discussed much? yenatru, ēshva, yairēn?

lol i really did kinda gloss over most of the ‘events’ and ‘characters’ of Birds, the worldbuilding/concept stuff stuck so much harder.

I think my thing on yairen is that her family troubles and stuff seemed a bit pat, writing-wise, in a way that weirdly did make sense becuz the whole implication being, she would’ve been saved a lot of trouble if she’d been made a demon, but her family wasn’t bad in a way that made them exceptionally bad for her in her youngest years as opposed to later, kind of subtly fucked up instead, so it’s kinda like a commentary on how the pressures seem to go: overt abuse is so socially unacceptable (in a way it isn’t irl), meaning that also it’s kind of like….well if you weren’t made a demon that implies your family must be okay, and so what happens if it isn’t. anyway i think probably this knowledge that not everything works the way she’s heard is part of what made her so willing to accept the idea of other gods too.

i also really personally enjoy the sort of reading of her interaction with g-d as a…..sort of rejection of christian framings. she begs g-d to save her, fix her, make her good and not broken. and g-d (fairly irritably) tells her that this is a nonsense request, they can’t do stuff like that, becoming a holy does nothing like that, none of these disparate things logically connect and the conflation is offensive. dom self-care.

eshva i found sort of too transparent to be that interesting? like the concept of a manifestation’s proof-of-selfhood revealing something about the self that was horrifying instead of euphoric and actualizing was such a cool idea but would have been so much cooler if not kind of subsumed in the more x-men type of powers-struggle of ‘and also it’s easily accessible and present as dangerous’ rather than ‘well i know my Self is dangerous and bad, even if the manifestation of it seems tame/can be left somewhere safe/whatever’. i have a not-on-tumblr friend with major scrupulosity who Loves them though, i think this is a highly personal variable thing. the amount of time eshva spends on page actively triggered is sure realistic to trauma but honestly i found the less-on-page backstory of like….numbness and depression and dissociation being THE only way to stop their manifestation from throwing sparks to be so much more personally striking.

yenatru is so soooo fascinating actually but i also find most of my conclusions and ultimate opinions about him to be negative, like the opposite of eliya. i find his friendship with lucifer sort of like. depressingly believable due to the narrative around it being unbelievable. what is actually depicted imo is a severely neurotic and traumatized person who hasn’t ever done an inch of growing in millennia carefully selecting a young guy whose nature is to keep others safe and comfortable as new lifelong sole friend, precisely because yenatru won’t ever ask them to grow the fuck up. and yenatru is so lonely and misunderstood until finally there is a person who is interested in him and understands him in a way that his old supposed-friends have not ever given him at all (tamar’s pov speaks of not remembering the last time she even thought about him!) and it’s this type of person! even though he is so good at observing and considering other people’s Being when they’re in front of him, this skill is so much more……meaty and pushy and growth-causing to yenatru when it’s someone who doesn’t need his Safety at all (tamar and later-eliya). in that way lucifer is also a very comfort zone opportunity for yenatru. he doesn’t have any kind of anime rival to but it’s so frustrating for it to not ever come to give him momentum the way tamar and eliya are anime rivals, the way lucifer is a challenge to eliya or the way g-d is a challenge to tamar.

it’s frustrating for this to never come to a head, for lucifer’s quiet begging for someone to please please fight them to never be expressed to the person who would (eliya), only expressed to someone who absolutely never will, for why would he? in his place of dull atomized desperation and isolation? there’s this achingly real and understanding depiction of severe anxiety and alienation in an autistic childhood and youth, of what kinds of conditions of ambient misery actually create and maintain the beloved softboi trope when he is treated with genuine introspection, but the additional layer of subversion of the usual narrative being, softboi whose comforting and caretaking and protecting (from what?) is his actual true nature and not an ingrained socialization. but juuuuussst fumbles the touchdown. (from what? not rhetorical: there IS a what but is it ever identified? triggers of ancient trauma is a very one-of-a-kind substitute for it). where does a doctor go in the land of perfect health, sort of conundrum.

[phoenixyfriend]

Oh heck yeah, love a good rec list. Some of these are More Ship than others. Some I haven't read in a while so I can't really speak to quality anymore lol. Also, a few are mine (labeled).

There's definitely a few I've missed but honestly I gotta get to bed lol.

-------

Mutually-Assured Attachment: Modern AU. Ensemble cast, grad student Anakin is a disaster and really, really likes Padme. (He succeeds! He also gets hit by a car. Padme's car. In her defense, he was in the middle of the road and not making himself visible, and she only barely hit him...) this one is VERY fun.

Skywalker Family Values: Mostly about Luke and Leia, it's a Parent Trap AU that does have some very fun focus on Getting Anidala Back Together.

The Exchange: Mostly gen (as in, not romance-focused), but Anidala is the ship of it. Time-travel.

Sith Lightning, Paperwork, and Other Extreme Sports: I'm biased to like this one because it was written based on one of my AU posts. Anakin acting as secretary for the Council due to medical leave. Padme is Supportive.

when you were young: plot focus is Obi-Wan getting turned into a baby, but guesssss which ship is getting a test run of parenthood.

Skywalker Seduction Method: Anakin is the only Jedi to have a proper relationship outside the Jedi so everyone keeps going to him for advice and it somehow works.

electric love: modern-ish celebrity AU (80s/90s), obianidala.

Probability Matrices: time-travel Vader. It's been a few years so I'm much more hesitant about the Grey Jedi stuff, but it's still a solid fic.

Soft Wars: Select fics. It's a LONG series. You're probably best off going to the author's page and filtering it for the ship.

Well It Goes Like This: Anakin doesn't fall! He saves/steals some younglings! It takes a while to get back to Padme but he gets a happy(ish) ending!

Be Careful What You Sith For: Sidious messes up some Sith Magic and it has some uhhhh effects.

Untitled Soulmate Game: SOULMATE GOOSE. Obianidala. One of the first star wars fics I ever read and still in my heart.

A Smile Full of Sunshine: RexAnidala! Poly negotiations!

a closeness at midnight: Anidala/Rexwalker, headed towards a full triangle. SO soft.

My own fics:

Implications of a Miracle Pregnancy: mind the trigger warnings

The Skywalker Sex Tape: the PR nightmare that is Padme's personal comm getting hacked.

Anakin Plans a Wedding: Technically a background ship but you better believe it's in the forefront for me.

Well, That's Not According to Plan: RexAnidala. Trans Dude Anakin is pregnant.

Fake Affair (To Hide the Real Affair): RexAnidala. What it says on the tin.

Legally Horny: RexAnidala. Padme tries to manufacture a scandal for clone rights.

Anakin Gets Pregnant and Causes a Scandal in Defense of the Jedi: RexAnidala. Anakin can't naturally get pregnant, he has to implant a uterus.

nsfw below the cut. a bunch of these are poly because. well. they just are.

Lemon: modern AU, the age gap is actually widened (Padme 36, Anakin 23) and it is. So delicious.

you smiled at me and eased the pain: Coruscant gets put under quarantine for space covid. Anidala are stuck in her apartment. They have lots and lots and lots of sex about it.

among the flowers: ObiAnidala, modern au. Established Obidala decide to seduce their new farmhand.

Echo's Invitation: fem!Anakin, poly with the clones.

Poster Boy for Second Place: omegaverse ObiAnidala. Established Anidala inviting Obi-Wan in.

Rulebreaker/Wildheart: okay this one is PRIMARILY Obikin. Just putting that first. However, the way Padme haunts the narrative is so fucking good. You can really, really feel how much Anakin adored her, even years after her death.

A Star War Trilogy: ObiAnidala drama with very poorly communicated poly negotiations. Anakin is not good at this.

Both: Omegaverse, ObiAnidala. Anakin is omegaverse intersex (both alpha and omega, 'presenting' dependent on his environment, and fetishized by the world around him as a result).

Deliver Us AU: Very, very long, so it's kind of a background element but I still think it's worth reading. Anidala turned RexAnidala.

[Only] Think of Me: ObiAnidala, Omegaverse.

Patience: ObiAnidala, pure smut.

And my own:

Possession is Nine-Tenths: Anakin/Padme and various others. It's a 'possessed by an evil spirit' harem horror fic.

Anakin Uses a Sketchy Amulet from the Vaults: One of my many Anakin Gender Fics.

Not Now, Kitten: RexAnidala. Anakin and Padme get turned into catpeople. So does Rex, but he gets to keep his mind.

You've given me an anidala craving but finding fics is hard!!! Lots have them tagged but aren't about them :( any recs?

Omggg, I'm flattered! nkljadnjkasdsa

But also I'm so sorry because I haven't really read that many fics yet, I'm slow reader, and even so I tend to read more fics with the Original Trilogy era 😭😅

But you're absolutely right, it's hard to actually find fics that focus on them because they're often tagged only if is just a mention!

But I remember this spicy, NSFW one which I read when I was super new to the fandom: Somewhere Private

I'm, veeeeery slowly going through Husborth fics, and the writting it's just amazing, so I rec just checking all their fics! But specifically for anidala that I have read: Load Bearing and Color Cordination

And currently, I'm reading this long fic, it's more of Skywalker Family Drama than actual anidala, but it's such a fun AU and really well written! Also it's vaderdala and has empress Padmé: The Protégé

That said, I can't say I have that many recs :')) But let's ask the audience!

Also I know who may have recs! @skywalkr-nberrie @good-call-my-young-padawan @tranakin-skywalker @phoenixyfriend do any of you guys have any recs for asker? (also a bunch of apologies if you find me tagging you annoying!)

Or anyone who finds this post, really!

[stormblessed95]

Why do people put so much stock in birthday tweets do you think? No disrespect to anyone who does. I know that Jikook have had some lovely/revealing/heartfelt/romantic birthday gestures between them in the past, and believe me I love seeing that, but honestly it's never been a make or break 'sign' of their relationship or relationship health to me. Wishing an SO (or even a family member or extremely close friend) hbd on a social media or public platform is a performative gesture.

The analysis and DRAMA people read into birthday wishes, or lack of them, can dampen the joy and celebration of the birthday. It becomes a countdown, or an expectation and maybe even stressful. No matter what happens or doesn't, people are setting themselves up for dissatisfaction. If Jungkook doesnt post for Jimin's birthday, suddenly everything that is beautiful and intimate seeming about their relationship goes out the window! It's even a bit triggering as an lgbt gal because suddenly the gay relationship has to prove itself with a tweet or here comes trouble. It has to be performed to be believed.

A loved one's birthday shouldn't have to be something done to placate or excite millions of others. It can be a private thing. We probably don't know the half of the nice things Jikook have done on each other's birthdays but we make a huge deal out of the ones we know. Chances are all these boys see each other almost every day. They exchange messages privately and have private social media accounts. I don't require public birthday tidings. What do you think? October MADNESS has got me nervous lol

Sooo I'm going to include their birthday tweets to each other because I think they are super cute here. Jungkooks birthday tweets to Jimin, he did not post for 2020, the second photo is the translation of his 2019 twt. 2013 - 2019.

Jimins birthday tweets to Jungkook, he posted multiple times a year for some years so he has more lol 2013 - 2021.

Now here is the thing. Social media's posts are cute. But they do not define the relationship. I have been with my husband for 11 years now. We haven't posted on social media for each other's birthdays or anniversaries since our first year being together. We wished each other those things in person. And anything you do in person is more meaningful anyway. And these posts, from ALL the guys, are for the fans more than they are for each other. Let's not pretend otherwise.

JK didn't post for anyone's birthdays in 2020, but let's not forget that he probably wished them all a happy birthday and made them feel special on their own time. Jimin told us that he spent his birthday in 2020 with his family, which is why he didn't do a vlive on his birthday. A fan posted later about how she saw what looked like Jimin and JK out with their families that same weekend.

JK didn't post for Tae in 2017 at all for his birthday. "Fans" were upset about this. Only for everyone to find out later that even though he didn't post, they all got together and JK made Tae and the other hyungs a special meal of Ramen for dinner for them to eat together to celebrate. Tae talked about how nice it was and how much it meant to him too.

Tae didn't post in 2020 for Jin or Jimin. Im positive he did something sweet for Jimin as well. And Jin told us about how he organized a bunch of people to call and leave him messages saying happy birthday. Jin told us all about how much that meant to him, how sweet it was and how special it made him feel.

And those are just a FEW examples. It is very very important to remember your boundaries as fans and not create overt expectations on relationships that do not belong to you. Social media does not make or break a friendship. It does not make or break a relationship. Especially when you are posting for 39.5 million fans on Twitter. In fact, I bet the personal messages or time spent together are the only ones these guys care about anyway.

Its okay to enjoy the cute birthday posts. They ARE cute. It's okay to gush over the cute captions on those posts. They ARE cute. It's okay!!! Just don't start thinking that a relationship (no matter platonic, romantic or other) is on the rocks just because someone doesn't post on Twitter on someone's birthday.

So consider this everyone's warnings too, don't send me "omg, something is wrong" asks on Jimin's birthday. Let me just celebrate Jimin. Which is probably what all the members of BTS will be doing too. Thanks for the ask anon, I fully agree with you.

[theresthesnitch]

Have you read what are the considered the 'Big Fics' for the Marauders fandom? I'm talking about The Life And Times, Commentarius, All The Young Dudes. I haven't ready any of them but I want to, it's just that I don't know what to expect from them and I think we have the same taste in terms of fanfics lol so if you recommend any of these I'll probably give them a chance and read them ❤️

The short answer is yes, I’ve read all three, and yes, I strongly recommend all three.

Keep in mind that Comm and TLAT are both unfinished. TLAT will not be finished, according to the author, and Bee is in progress on the next chapter of Comm. ATYD is finished, though. However, even unfinished, they are top tier fics to read.

These three fics are all so present in the fandom that you’ll notice lots of carry over and references to things you have read that you never would have expected. They’re all worth a binge in the best way possible.

This being said, I think that there are so many amazing works in the fandom right now that are as good as or better than these. If you’re putting aside something current to read old… I honestly don’t know whether to day I recommend that or not. Read them all. Invent a time turner and read both. (That’s super unhelpful, lol)

More details below the cut.

All the Young Dudes (ATYD) is a canon divergent wolfstar fic with background Jily, and goes from first year through just before the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. I know a lot of people call it “canon” but I think it’s important to know that it very much is not canon. Remus was raised in a muggle orphanage, but I won’t tell you why or how so you can read it. It’s definitely a, um, darker/rougher Remus than we’re normally used to because of it. The world building and cultural references in this fic are absolutely unparalleled. The way MsBeanKing works in music and world events–especially in the eighties, just brings a whole new level of realism to the fic.

The Life and Times (TLAT) is one of the first Jily fics I read, but honestly? It’s as good or better just for the side relationships. I don’t want to spoil it, but there’s at least 4 non-Jily relationships that are as much worth reading as the Jily bits are. It’s a fic that is so easy to get lost in (honestly, they all are. All three fics read much faster than their word count would suggest it would). It starts at the beginning of 6th year and builds up into the 7th year, and there’s so much wonderful ploty bits, and fantastic scenes. The characters are also very real. I don’t like anyone all of the time, but I love all of them at some point (this is not a criticism of the fic, but very much a compliment.) The characters are just so complex.

Commentarius (Comm) is actually the most recent one I’ve read, and the one I’ve reread the least (did I mention rereading? I do that for all of these. Sometimes I just go back and reread a scene because i remember it and I need to live it again). I didn’t realize when I started that the whole fic is Lily’s diary, which I’m pretty sure is on me for not realizing that (and why I mention it up front). However, don’t let that stop you from reading it (I know some people don’t like diary fics), because it’s definitely worth the read. Comm!James is drool-worthy. Lily always keeps things interesting. So many great twists and turns. And FANTASTIC scenes.

With all three fics, I recommend reading them with a slightly critical eye and acknowledge that there are some bits that didn’t age so well. I think that, if they were written now, some elements might change a bit. I haven’t been around as long as other creators in the fandom, but I’ve heard that one or two of the authors have addressed and acknowledged some of these points. Nothing too terribly triggering (IMO) but its there. (For example, TLAT has a character with an eating disorder that’s never really addressed very well.) I don’t think these issues detract from reading the stories, and even with it there’s some amazing storytelling going on. Especially with the wide fascination with ATYD, you might have seen some discourse on some of the problematic bits (if not, don’t look for it before you read it), but I think that could sort of go both ways.

If you do go read them, PLEASE stop back by and let me know what you think! Message, ask, or discord—let’s talk about it.

[unforth]

I have started reading Danmei at your recommendation and I am IN SO DEEP. I was wondering if you could make a list of the ones you have read and recommend.

I AM SO GLAD ANON!! Both that I'm the reason you got into danmei, and also that you sent me this ask (I always wish I got more asks like this, lol. <3 )

Better yet, I can answer this pretty easily, because I've already compiled a stupidly complete list of what I've read, am reading, and plan to read, and it's on Tumblr even! And it's recent, so fingers crossed that the links all still work (with stuff going on with JJWXC - the website where most danmei is initially published - a lot of authors have locked, removed, or otherwise made it harder to access their works, so links have been changing often and things that used to be available often aren't).

Anyway, here's my FULL list! As you'll see if you click through, it's actually kinda short? because I'm a slow reader, and these books are so so so SO long. But, I'm plugging away, and reading more all the time (I'm like...almost 20% through The Fourteenth Year of Chenghua rn...).

As to recommendations...so, I've read, start to finish, 10 danmei novels so far, and I haven't yet read something I didn't like. I don't know what you've already read and liked, so it's hard for me to make specific recommendations and/or explain these books in a way that might help you decide which would interest you, but I can say that my personal top 5 are:

1. Tian Guan Ci Fu/Heaven Official's Blessing by Mo Xiang Tong Xiu. Fantranslations are no longer available for it, because it's being published by Seven Seas Danmei. I honestly don't even know where to begin with TGCF because I love it just that much. Like, it's my number 1 danmei, and it's ALSO in my top 5 books ever.

2. The Husky and His White Cat Shizun by Meatbun Doesn't Eat Meat. This has also been licensed by Seven Seas Danmei; if you're at all interested in reading it grab it now because the main translations are going down at the end of the month. MAKE SURE YOU CHECK TRIGGER WARNINGS AND TAGS 2ha is heavy angst with a happy ending, and all AO3 major archives apply to it, and then some.

3. Thousand Autumns by Meng Xishi. The one I'm hoping Seven Seas will license next. They are such a strange couple with a very unusual dynamic and I love that for them.

4. Qiye by Priest. This is the first book in the 'verse where the c-drama Word of Honor takes place, and is the book I finished most recently, and I really, really liked it. It was especially cool to read it and then watch some Word of Honor again because viewing the show through the lens of what I now know from Qiye is fascinating (I haven't read Tian Ya Ke yet, which is the book Word of Honor is based on, but it's on my list).

5. Golden Stage by Cang Wu Bin Bai. Peach Flower House Publishing announced yesterday that they've licensed this one under the name Golden Terrace, for a November release. I'm not sure yet what that means for the translation I linked, but I'd say, if you want to read a fantranslation this is probably the moment to do it.

Honorable Mention: Daomu Biji by Xu Lei isn't danmei, and it's honestly like...kinda terrible? The plot is so full of holes that it's sometimes incomprehensible, the official English translation is mediocre, the shows range from hilariously bad through genuinely good yet still full of huge plot holes and major plot holes...and yet somehow DMBJ has become one of my fandom happy places? I think it's because it's a trial by fire; the people who can get through the mess of canon have to be chill, there's no way to enjoy it otherwise (and I do, truly, genuinely, absolutely enjoy it) and so it's just...a really nice fandom to be in, and canon has a large cast with a lot of excellent supporting characters who often get the spotlight, which means it's a multishippers delight. But enter at your own risk. You WILL want to throw things at the author, on the regular, lmao.

I hope this helps a little? If I knew more what you'd read and liked, I could probably do a more tailored rec list. <3

[more-than-what-you-bargained-for]

I haven't really wrote lately, I told myself it was because my laptop was broken, and life got in the way. But really...... I just haven't wanted to face myself, or I guess didn't even know how. Life's been crazy . Eye surgeries, and the world and pandemic, my eye surgery, health issues , weight loss and gain, ups and downs with Ebony, shit with work and christine, complete blowouts with almost everyone from my past...it's been a lot to say the least. It's weird to simultaneously feel like my most true self, yet also feeling live i've spiraled into a hole of feeling like I've just checked out of my life because i've just feel so retraumatized by life these days. I just continuely feel triggered and it causes so much anxiety and depression. Yet over the last few years, specifically the last 2, I've also found myself. I see so clearly who I am, who I've always been and all the things I so desperately invision seem so far from my grasp and reality because of all of my current health issues. I guess this little post is a good sum up of my life thse days...chaotic, no resolve, and no ending. I honestly don't even have the energy to unpack everything I started talking about, I'm just drained in all the ways. Oh, and I'm also so very deeply in love. Like the kind that is not easy, but is so worth it. We are past the honey moon phase I think, but there is still so much passion (and sex lol) between us, but it's just simpler. We stopped fighting the idea that we were going to out play each other, to escape heartbreak first . We've worked out alot of toxic pasts between the two of us. It is much hard work, but i've never wanted to work it out with someone more than I do him. It's so liberating to be so certain of someones love for you, so peaceful. And so very different from the rest of my life, maybe that's why I've been spiraling.....anyways. I'll be back, probably lol