#homie not even I reread my writing. once it’s out there I’ll look at it maybe once a year.

[vroomian]

Ppl…… reread my fics…………….

[the-portrait-of-seraph]

This Month's Review...

The Iliad: Homer

It's a great book, but I feel like I'll have to read it one more time because I was very busy this month and couldn't fully absorb its beauty?

The Iliad is a gripping war story involving both man and deity, which is already a great character list to begin with. I loved watching everyone die in great, gorey detail and I also enjoyed the drama atop Mount Olympus. Fuck Apollo though, all my homies hate Apollo. Patroclus and Achilles!!! Besties AND lovers, literally the best combination for ripping up my heart into a million pieces.

It's poetic (obviously since it's written in dactylic heptameter), but also violent, like most epic poetry, and I live for that.

Jude the Obscure: Hardy, Thomas

This book was so fucking good! I'm impressed with Hardy's work!!!

The human relationships in the story are imperfectly perfect for allowing the plot to advance? Like this is total genius? I cannot do this book justice, I'm so sorry :(

I went through all five stages of grief (and so did Sue and Jude) after the death of Little Time (Jude j.r.). Man really killed his siblings and left a little note saying that they were a burden. And this is the begining of the story's turning point. Sue returns to Philiston, Jude to Arabella, and everything seems okay again. Until Jude freezes to death while trying to get to Sue and Arabella doesn't give a shit.

Jude's life is a golden road, until it's not. He dreams of going to Chirstminster, but his myopia off-sets him to destruction and failure

The Age of Innocence: Wharton, Edith

Newland Archer, what the fuck. WHy is everyone in this book also miserable? At least they're rich, I don't even have money.

Archer is engaged to May Welland and all seems well until her cousin, Ellen, comes to New York out of her abusive marriage with Count Olenski. Bam, shenanigans ensue. Archer catches feelings for Ellen and plans to leave May, but May is pregnant???? And so Ellen leaves America???? And then like twenty years down the line Archer and his son visit Paris and learn that Ellen lives there and Archer's kid goes to visit her but Archer does not?????

Archer tests the world and norms he knows through Ellen, bringing a close to his "age of innocence". I really enjoyed the juxtaposition of New York high-society life and the happenings/turmoils of the Archers and all those that know them.

Notes from a Dead House: Dostoevsky, Fyodor

One of my top ten fr!!! I've already made a review for this book back in October, so you can take a look at it here.

I think it's nice to reread books, I personally read a book three times: one for writing style, once for plot, once for both writing style and plot haha

Greek Tragedy: Various

I love myself a good tragedy. I really liked Oedipus Rex, but Medea is absolute gold!!! I passed my exam with ease because i was super into this unit on tragedy/drama haha

I'm in awe at the genius of the tragedians, like fucking superb you funky little greek man!!!! I want what they have and I wish more tragedies were preserved so I can fangirl over them haha

Plays: Chekhov, Anton

I love Russian literature!!! I love Russian drama!!! I cannot stress the greatness of Chekhov and I feel guilty for not being able to do him justice like Hardy :(

There is something about the work of Chekhov that just draws one into the more simple aspects of Russian life. I love Tolstoy and Dostoevsky, but sometimes I don't feel like reading about the Napoleonic Era or whacking someone with the blunt side of an axe, I crave simplicity and humanity.

My favorite used to be The Seagull, but then I met Ivanov and my life changed FOREVER. For real that ending where Ivanov kills himself on his wedding day? Traumatizing. Also, I found it funny when Lyubov says "you big booby", childish I know-

Ah, I'm definitely going to be reading this again soon.

I know I haven't been reading a lot this month, but in my defense I was busy helping my last brain cell slay exams sooooo

I want to get more reading and re-reading done in May, so i'm always open to recommendations :)

Stay safe and I love you guys, thanks for all the love and support lately <3

[washymylifeaway]

SakuAtsu Fanfic recs

Edit: minor changes (grammar and stuff) cause I rushed this :’)

EDIT: PT 2 IS OUT

OKAY so I meant to make like a long list of MULTIPLE VARIOUS ASSORTED ships but as I was making it I realized I had WAY too many SakuAtsu fics. Like TOO MANY AHHHH. Anyway, I decided that for the sake of everyone, I should just make a separate post LOL oops I’m sorry but I’m so far into SakuAtsu hell it’s not even funny :))))))))) I tried to keep things short so I could not BORE you while reading this post LOL, but also THERE WILL BE A PT 2 because I cut myself short in order to get this out for.....

THE BEST BOY SAKUSA KIYOOMI’S BIRTHDAY I LOVE HIM AND EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD TOO :DDDDDDDDD

As per usual, pls check WARNINGS, TAGS, and SUMMARIES for each fic before reading and make sure you’re taking care of yourselves (since mental health is key!) Stay healthy loves <3

Some of my FAVORITE writers CHECK TAGS AND WARNINGS PLS-

astroeulogy // I LOVE their works and they write BEAUTIFULLY AHHHHH!!! My fav? Possibly Dance of the Parallax by astroeulogy (T) 6.7k, but all of them are SO good! (My love for mythology really be showing here hehe.)

DeathBelle // this writer is on SO many of my posts cause I ADORE the way they write and characterize!!! My fav? Burden of Blame by DeathBelle (E) 91.2k but you already knew that LOL. I love the other ones too, but mafia? UGH.

hatsuna // ahjfsdjfhkasj need I say more? There isn’t a lot BUT the ones there are so so good! My fav? Pas De Deux by hatsuna (T) 19k surprise :D I love this one for their interactions but also Omi’s childhood! It’s really good (and you don’t even need to understand ballet) <33333

bastigod // again another writer you will be seeing in other posts because their writing gives me LIFE AHHH. My fav? my love, take your time by bastigod (T) 9k again you already knew this, but I LOVE THIS ONE ahagdhls. I have reread this one so many times oops hehe :)

volchitsae // I LOVE THIS WRITER, like some of my favorite SakuAtsu fics are from this writer, like favorites of ALL TIME. Please go read their stuff because I love it so much. My fav? take me to the limit, hold me down there by volchitsae (E) 3.8k this was the fic that got me into their writing, and oops I’ve fallen and I can’t get up haha leave me....

awkwardedgeworth // THE FICS THIS WRITER MAKES AJKASDLK. I love them and everything they make omg!!! My fav? This was SO hard but Notte Stellata by awkwardedgeworth (T) 20.8k cause I’m basic LOL but your flame will not survive in this cold tundra was a close second :’)

TBH, there are more that I don’t have time to get to (I started this a while back but then pretended like it didn’t exist for a while LOL) but these were the ones here hehe :) I could honestly make an ENTIRE fic rec list from these writers alone and it would be WAY too long, so for the sake of everyone,,, MOVING ON

Fics (in no order, but also I’m missing a bunch I LOVE but like I said TIME CONSTRAINTS AHHAHAH RIP)-

the inherent romance of classical conditioning (or, the fine art of emotional recognition) by pseudoanalytics (E) 13.7k // this fic made me laugh so much, starting from the fact that there needed to be clarification (which was, after finishing, understood LOL) that this was indeed NOT a fic with a foot fetish.

Routines (and How to Break Them) by cajynn (T) 1.6k // this fic makes them SO CUTE ugh the fluff ajsjkfhajh. I love how Atsumu just slips into everything Omi does (like a snake) ITS SO ADORABLE AHHH.

sense of purpose (or, what comes next) by pseudoanalytics (T) 3.6k // this fic was so HEARTWARMING!!! It made me kinda sad though cause I’m just that kinda person (and I don’t like to think about the past LOLOLOLOL), but the ending was !!! SO !!! CUTE !!! and I love the ending notes (me too Osamu, me too)!

crushed by citruslemonade (strawberrycitrus) (E) 4.2k // I feel like it’s a crime if I don’t mention this fic LOL and it’s very quick and funny! We all want to be the watermelons in this fic and no I don’t take criticism. No thoughts just Miya Atsumu’s thighs :’)))

Clipped To You by littleboat (T) 8.1k // (cp) okay first of all THERE’S ART, second I love Omi in hair clips <3333 It’s really funny with lots of ~pining~ Atsumu and there’s cameo’s of other players,,, it’s just a great time :D

bet on it by selenophim (T) 13.3k // this is a ~classic~ literally I keep seeing this fic because I like to stalk the relationship tags (LOL) and since it’s so good, I keep seeing it (also LOL). This may be SakuAtsu, but this is Osamu supremacy, again I don’t take criticism LOL.

Just as much by Sapphirine (NR) 16.1k // this is peak gay panic as demonstrated by one Miya Atsumu hehe. This fic is so FLUFF but also PINE! I’ll just be sitting here with my 851 million microorganisms to keep me company cause I’M SINGLE LOL.

every action has an equal and opposite reaction by akanemnida (T) 10.4k // nothing to see here, just Sakusa saying things that make Atsumu’s heart stop ;) I love ~caring~ Sakusa so if you do too, read! But also hello? Perfume drop please,,,,

see this through by basilleia (T) 17.7k // I am shamelessly a HARDCORE Atsumu wears glasses fan, once again, I take absolutely no criticism! Again some ~caring~ Sakusa heheh but also love the twin dynamic in this one!

dogshit (first comes the fall) by kitcassiachan (E) 15.8k // PLEASE CHECK WARNINGS! ngl this was one of the first fics I read for this ship and GOD did it get me hooked onto bottom Sakusa agenda (it really hit different). Of course, I’m not promoting the way this relationship happened (don’t have hate s*x), BUT I have nothing to say other than I had no regrets. RIP (not actually but you’ll get what I mean LOL) Bokuto and Ushiwaka for that matter.

let's get physical by rosegoldwriting (T) 4.3k // I really like medical stuff (you’ll see later LOL) BUT even if you don’t still read it cause IT’S FUNNY OKAY. We gotta love boys day and STD’s~~ (also don’t be stupid like him and get hurt to see hot doctors :))))

all i do is crave by newamsterdam (E) 12.7k // were we waiting for me to bring a 5 + 1 to the table? If so, here it is! We do love the olympics and oblivious Astumu~~

lay it on me (no, really) by ayushi_writes (T) 4.2k // please the way I was hesitant to read it at first but then the ‘being very fond and caring in a homie way haha’ made me read it LOL. The fluff (and Astumu being caring because that is another one of my favorite things to read hehe) in this is almost worth the awkwardness that made me want to go put my head into a hole like an ostrich LOLOLOLOL.

ink blossoms by entrechat (T) 8.1k // I think this fic IS SO CUTE OMG. I love the way Omi sits in the shop to draw was ADORABLE and making them do that to get tattoos? Smart af (and v respectful we stan). Also, I love flower meanings :D

crimson colored lotus by sieges (M) 16.5k // (cp) this was a demon slayer AU LOL. TBH I haven’t watched DS, but you honestly don’t really need to in order to read this LOL. It’s explained really well and the writing is AMAZING! It’s not a linear fic, but you can read it in order if you so choose.

where i want to be by tookumade (G) 8.8k // THIS ONE ahhhhhh so cute I love it. Omi trying SO hard in this relationship and Atsumu being so understanding. I love it here :’)))))

three roses and a smile by strawberrycitrus (T) 19.7k // I LOVE THIS ONE not only cause I love professor AUs (I do, I LOVE THOSE) but also it’s just some great writing :D I really love their interactions and the misunderstanding killed me ahhhhh.

If you were wondering, I already have 50+ fics (yes I counted but no I’m not done looking so there will probably have to be some cuts D:) lined up for pt2 AND I took out series in another post, so yeah this is why it’s a cursed draft hahahaa..... I hope you enjoyed cause SakuAtsu is my life and blood.

[acciostorian]

mae reads the kane chronicles: the serpent’s shadow the red pyramid

(aka we see mae go through many emotions in the space of 2-3 days)

holy fuck ive only got to the contents and the chapters have those classic pjo click bait titles i’m so happy rn

WAIT IM SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT- the serpent’s shadow is the THIRD BOOK. uh-oh i almost fucked this whole series over lemme change the book real quick....

i’m literally on the first page and i’ve already been sent on a mission, so the kanes are THOSE bitches

SADIE AND KANE ARE BRITISH???? omg yes please

THEYRE IN LONDON MY HOME

never fucking mind they’re from LA

oh wait sadie was raised as a british kid. that’s very sexy of her.

carter be like, “you wouldn’t be interested in my dad’s lectures.” SHUT UP CARTER I WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT EGYPTIAN PUNISHMENT

so sadie was raised in east london???? THATS SO SEXC BECAUSE ME TOO BOO

sadie has a british accent. a b r i t i s h a c c e n t.

FIT

“six years in london and she thinks she’s james bond” LMAO

sadie’s so emo/alt i love it. does rick always write his characters like this??

sadie pronounces it “mum” and carter says “mom”

it’s so refreshing to read mum ngl

sadie said bloke omg

i’m feeling carter’s pain. little sisters are shits and honestly sadie has the same vibes as my little sister and me and carter are quite similar. i hate this.

oh wow they really said sadie was too white for their family...

sadie did not HESITATE to be like, “yeah dad we’ll lock that guy in his office. mint.”

sadie telling the story is an experience

sadie said “maths” and “mates” in the same sentence. this is some refreshing shit.

sadie’s friends saying carter is hot is fucking hilarious. like it’s a classic piss-off to thirst over your mate’s sibling

THEYRE GETTING DEPORTED????

LMAO AMOS WAS LIKE, “yeah we don’t talk about manhattan. they’ve got their own problems. *cough percy jackson cough*”

i read thoth the god of knowledge as thot the god of knowledge

carter is right, amos has undeniable swag

philip of macedonia. the crocodile. cool.

i love how the greeks and romans be like “if we don’t honour the gods we’ll get SLAUGHTERED” and the egyptians are like “you know what? fuck the gods me and my homies hate the gods”

sadie kane would stab you in a back alley and dance to mcr as you bled to death and carter kane would take you to a museum, tell you everything about everything and then commit a terrorist attack

amos really went “don’t touch anything, the cats in charge and peace out bitches” and then fucking jumped off the balcony of his five storey mansion

sadie made that door go BANG

that fucking clay statue came to life and not one of them screamed. I WOULD SHIT MYSELF.

i’m giggling, all the greek/roman gods have really long/scary/cool sounding names like tartarus and chaos and nyx but the evilest guy in egyptian myth is called set. S E T.

please make muffin some crazy badass animal like crookshanks or swiftwind.

WHO DARES THROW HANDS WITH PHILIP?????

THE SHABTI FUCKING STOLE AN ARTEFACT THATS AMAZING

i love carter sm, even tho he’s scared as fuck he still picked up that ancient sword and was like “ig i’ll bash some heads in whilst sadie holds the cat”

MUFFIN JUST TURNED INTO SOME WARRIOR CAT LADY AND SHE INSTANTLY GAVE ME CATRA VIBES

every cat in new york is helping them

bast jacked that car like it was nobody’s business

i used to think the greek gods were stupid for having so many things to control but honestly the egyptians are taking the piss, do you really need a whole scorpion goddess?

the kane siblings are written so well. like i actually BELIEVE they’re siblings

i think carters gonna become a comfort character now... like i relate on another level. little siblings always take the spot light and you have to act level headed and calm because the younger ones start shit and you’re like “i gotta be the good one because my family would fall to shit if i didn’t behave.” so big kudos to carter, i love you

so carter’s a king huh? I DIDNT NEED YOU TO TELL ME THAT RICK I ALREADY KNEW HE WAS

zia was like “king tut?? ugh he was such a boy, there were waaaaay cooler tombs out there x x”

i read “nectanebo II” as “nintendo II” and i was like ??? when was that a thing

i drinking camomile tea whilst reading this and i feel so peaceful uwu

sadie really can do magic like THAT like bitch be like “i just copied what zia did and yeah it worked lol”

okay so i’m sorta feeling bad about sadies life rn but i’m still very pro carter

set’s laugh makes me uncomfortable. because when most villains laugh it’s usually described like “their laugh was like a knife, cold and sharp. i hates it.” but when sadie discribed set’s laugh she was like “it was warm and friendly. beautiful.” LIKE AAAA THATS A RED LIGHT

set: the god of theatre because gods dam is he a good actor

sadie saw some hot emo guy and was like “omg marry me”

iskandar be like “lmao imma speak in alexandria greek all the time but this girl bouta die? i switch to perfect english for dramatic effect”

woooOooaaaah SLOW DOWN THERE BUDDY, tongue tattoos???

zia: you guys will probably suck at this at first but oh well we all can’t be great

sadie: *makes fire first time* wooosh

sadie and kane: *doing cool shit* me and my tea: sluuuurrrp

bast is so sassy i love it

me when it’s a sadie chapter: okay ig :/

me when it’s a carter chapter: HOLY SHIT CARTER HEY OMG YOURE DOING CRAZY STUFF???? COOL. i love you.

bast: so yeah, you’d be stupid to teleport to paris, this is desjardin’s home territory

sadie and kane, lying in the streets of paris: oh cool cool

sadie: like i might die rn but i don’t care, as long as it doesn’t get filmed and put in youtube, that would be embarrassing

like ???? sis get your priorities together smh

sadie: *sees hot emo guy again in her spirit adventure, he hints that’s he’s dead or something*

also sadie: so will i see you again?

“no, an egyptian drink. you’ve heard of hot chocolate? this is rather like hot vanilla.” dam now i want some.

carter is an amazing older brother. he’s written perfectly and he’s a great character to relate to for me. even though sadie can make his blood boil, he dropped everything to calm her down when she was panicking about not being able to change back from a bird. i too have to do that for my little sister - sadie and ava are ironically the same age - so i find that very comforting that there is someone like me to relate to!

‘a businessman with a rolling suitcase was waiting by the doors. his eyes widened when he saw me. i must’ve looked pretty strange — a tall black kid in dirty, ragged egyptian clothes, with a weird box tucked under one arm and a bird of prey perched on the other.

‘“how’s it going?” i said. “i’ll take the stairs.” he hurried off.’ LMAO THIS IS WHY CARTER BABY I LOVE YOU

highkey pissed that carters like “i’m always edgy around the police. once i turned eleven they started giving me the Look. when it doesn’t happen it’s always a pleasant surprise.” LIKE FUCK NO HE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO WALK AROUND UNHASSLED WHATS WRONG WITH HIM

lmao bast be like “imma jump off this national monument. see ya at the airport in my finest clothes and jewellery x”

FOOD UPDATE: i’m eating a chocolate covered waffles and having some tea and i feel so happy rn sorry i know you don’t care but like aaaaaaa

bast called carter her little tomcat and my heart exploded

bast really likes convertibles huh

thoth: i hate rereading my old writing, my present self would never write like this now!! SOMEONE GET ME A RED PEN

are they... are they going to dig up elvis presley?

might put some elvis in for this part, y’know, to set the mood?

i cant stop reading ‘thoth’ as thot even though i know how to pronounce it

the captain with a axe for a head: my name is bloodstained battle axe 😸

yuh bast did some shit ...

imma stop now because spoilers, GO READ THE KANE CHRONICLES THEY ARE THE MOST UNDERRATED RIORDANVERSE BOOKS X X

[shorkbrian]

INBOX

SO! I know I hoard asks. It’s a bad habit. Reasons?

I like to go look at them when I’m sad because they cheer me up.

I don’t want anyone to get annoyed that my blog is clogged up with asks, it’s a fear of mine that someone will think I'm annoying.

BUTT! My inbox is so cluttered right now, It’s hard for me to find certain requests. I saw someone else do an mass ask answering like this, and I LEARNED that if I tag it, I can look that tag up on my blog!

ALSO PSA you can also comment on my pics or message me to talk!!!!! I will never turn anyone away!!! I love you all!

ANOTHER PSA - if you want to not have to see this in the future, pls block the tag “shorkbrian answers a lot of asks”

Lets get ready to rumble!!!!!!!

These are in no particular order! Know that if you don’t see an ask you sent, it’s because I plan on writing something for it, probably like a lil Drabble cause those are my favorite (can you tell?)

Hello! My pronouns are They/Them or He/Him! I want to like give u a big ole hug for this question, You’re super sweet!

OOP Okay listen I’ve had a couple dreams with very unsavory happenings and each one is awful and so so scary. I hope your dream didn’t make you feel icky or anything dude. I Lub u, stay safe.

I am speechless. This is.... wow man. This is an amazing, positive review of my work and I feel so blessed and honored that you took the time to message me. I LOVE LOVE LOVE reading what people think of my work, and this one made me just like. I am like so blessed dude. Speechless (in the best way possible)

AHHHHH Thank you!!!! Look at those emojis!!!! SO bright and colorful and fun!!!!

As a fellow Hornee person that is dumb, I would like to say...... Why stop at a chefs kiss? are you afraid to kiss me on the mouth, homie? For future reference, I like tongue. (asdaslhjkah sorry I’m stupid but Thank you for these kind words!!!! What nice descriptors man, I’m like wilting under the praise its too much!)

Yes, reader is NOT going to have a fun time. Thanks for reading! I appreciate your support so so so much!!

Hey, listen! Requests are “closed” so I can have time to catch up without getting overwhelmed. If one or two slip in, they won’t get deleted :)

Bro, I recently talked to a friend with a similar experience. I’m so sorry for the things you’ve had to deal with, it sounds awful. The world is big and scary and VERY loud, and you are so amazing for navigating it. Bakugou would give you insane cuddles to help u feel better, remember dat okie?

Maybe! I’m getting around to things babey, it might take a hot second. But I will try!

Thank you! I try babey I try lol. I Lub u by the way thank u for msging me

I accept this wisdom. Thank you for sharing. I pray for a time when I will be able to use it.

You nailed it. I want this on my tombstone pls and thank u.

omg omg thank youuuuuuuu!!!!! Honestly, I think Izuku is still so so so shy, even when it comes to doing stuff with his darling.  ugh his poor darling. Ur right tho, no one would ever believe that Izuku was doing bad stuff. But once again!!! Thank YOU for reading and taking the time to send me an ask!!!! Warms my heart

wait wait okay I LOVE LOVE LOVE Kirishima I am his BIGGEST simp and this compliment? SENT ME TO OUTER SPACE. I squealed so hard I got like liftoff and I made it out of the atmosphere. This is the BEST thing EVER Thank you SO much my heart is POURING out love Grimm I would DIE for u no cap 

idk? Personally, I hate being touched so I probably would politely be like “Pls dont ahah” but I would hit him with paper airplanes with cute little notes inside.

I wish I wish with all my heart that I could turn into a small person tonight. Like, I'm crying. I am 6′0 and built like a refrigerator aint nobody able to manhandle me... *sobs in big man syndrome* I will continue to feed u tho bc it is a GIANT fantasy of mine to be manhandled and tossed around. lets goooooo

I don’t want to be a religion, can we start a cult? I’ll be the sacrifice.

bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk TOO LATE (Also thank ant the comment abc my humor! Inspires me and tbh enables me)

no U 

“hey google?”

“What can I help you with today?”

“Why do I have the SWEEEEEEETEST followers ever? How did this happen? They make me blush I can’t handle it”

I have a SIMP???????? Come off anon u and I are going to talk and then passionately kiss. (not rlly but I do Lub you, thank you for the kind and gentle words)

bonk bonk bonk bonk (Also this was sent to me on a Sunday? I live in America bruv)

Pls don’t I almost peed my pants I was snorting at 2am and trying my hardest not to disturb my cat it was very hard (Repeat I almost PEED my PANST U HEATHEN)

wait stop stop u always give me such amazing comments skid I want to give u a candle made with wax and tears of love. You are so sweet. Pls never hesitate to reach out for a chat I luv u okei

BLACK HEART ANON I’m dedicating everything in my will to u, hope you know that. Okay, but seriously - I get being afraid of people. I don’t think you’re being hypocritical, I think you’re being kind and selfless and reaching out a helping hand to a loser like me. Black heart emojis low-key always make me think of you now and it fills my heart with warmth. Thank you for existing dude,

What have I said about the chefs kiss? Kiss me on the mouth u cowards. Do it.

Also this ask made me SAWFT I want to gibe u like idk a candy heart necklace to show how SOFT and Ugh demonstrate my LUB

I am glad I found YOU!!! Not everyone bothers to comment or interact or send me nice asks. They make my day man. You rock!

YYaaaayyyyaa!!! I’m cool with all the canon characters of BNHA except for Bakubro. I adore his fanon personification, but just how he acts in the show..... that aint it chief. I totally get u

TYSM!!!! Heart heart!! Aizawa has the potential to be so creepy and awful, he’s super interesting to try and write for! I’m glad you like my content, and thank you for telling me such!!!!!!!! LUB U

GRIMMM STAWWWWWWP I’m like on the verge of like melting into a PUDDLE of goopy admiration how the heck do u even know my blog ur so cool and I still can’t believe I can like.... talk to you. Ur rad dude.

BLACK HEARTTTTTTT You are never invading my privacy. Your asks are two that I hold very near and dear to my heart. I reread them over and over and they help when I’m having sucky days. Pls pls pls recognize that you’re an amazing person and you lift up my spirits and you are genuinely awesome. I love u Black Heart

I LOVE Kiri, have I mentioned? He’s my fav. And yes!!! I am VERY open to ideas!!!! Love pretty much everything and anything that comes my way!!! thank u for sending me an ask dude, means a lot :)

Sensitive anon, my dear dear friend if ur reading this know that I adore talking with u and I like hearing about ur day and You are so sweet and you make the world a better place by being in it

WE SIMP...... TOGETHER!!!!

Another beautiful baby that I always see interacting with me!!! I love you so so much and Each time your name pops up in my motifs I get so excited to see what you say!!! I’ve been holding onto this ask FOREVER because the little picture is SO CUTE and it makes me softer than melted butter man.

Okay, we’ve done it lads! I love each and every one of you!!!!!!!

[katosthoughts]

Entry 1: A New Era

04.25.20

Man. Where to begin. To start with now or the reflection? Hmm. Let’s go reflection leading into present day, then a sprinkle of potential future goals. *mind you, it is 5am and I’ve been up for hoursss, but we’ll get to that*

Rereading these entries this morning brought a lot of emotion out of me, although that’s not surprising. I probably needed a good cry and I feel like I have been putting this off for awhile (what else is new?). So much of what I said at 21 resonates with me. I am that girl. That girl was me. While about four years doesn’t seem long, it feels like an entire lifetime ago. In those four years I had some of the most extreme highs and absolute lows. I lost 4 important people in my life, relationships, work, mental health. It all felt like such an extreme range of emotion that I almost feel numb at this point.

College. What an absolute high. I wish I knew it then, that it would be the happiest I was. I had the best roommate all four years of school, I took amazing classes with the best teacher in the entire fucking world (thank you, LUKE), and I had a pretty amazing group of friends by the end of it. Not to mention I got to live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Like fuck, I was so blessed to live my own life in such an amazing place. I was was a decision maker, I was excited, I was surrounded by good people. I wish I would have known then, that life was slowly going to devour me over the next three years. I wish I would have soaked up a few more lessons or late nights in the lab. I wish I would have taken a few more memories. I really thought that life would be better when I was out of college and independent, living my own life with no one but myself.

I wish I would have known then that the life I had in Santa Fe, was the closest I was to living my own existence. Upon returning back to California post grad, I made it home for my last Mother’s Day with my mom. I immediately shifted into caregiver mode once I had moved back. Going through the procedures of making sure she takes her meds at the right time/correct doseges, learning how to change a stomach bag and keeping her clean. I just did what I was told and I did my best to give my mom the most comfortable existence. I know I was still difficult sometimes. I was so mad at the universe, at her, at myself. Just so much anger. I also battled a lot with myself about who I was. Who did I want to be? Who do I have to be for my family? All of that is still unfortunately relevant. After she passed I was angry with everyone. I turned to Kathleen as my light and I pushed everyone else away, in the same breath I’ll also say that in this period of time I also started seeing my then boyfriend so you know. Complex. A piece of me believes that I used my relationship to help me cope. I used it so I wouldn’t have to feel the emence amount of sadness and grief I was feeling. I did love him too. It wasn’t one sided, but I think it played a big a roll at the time. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had to move out of my moms house that I was living in with only my step dad, I didn’t know if I was going to move in with family or if I was going to be independent, I didn’t have a job, I had ZERO drive to be creative and I just floated. Spur of the moment in late October 2018 I rented the first place I saw. It’s a nice little condo in paramount. It was mine. For the first time in my life, all of my stuff could be in one place. I know that sounds stupid but growing up with divorced parents and then adding a third bedroom when you’re in college, it got chaotic trying to keep track of things. Finally. This was all mine. When I got this place I had just started working for a luxury brand as a seasonal stock associate that I was later promoted to regular stock associate and then I was also working as a freelance graphic designer with a marketing firm. It was going well until about January 2019. I stopped working with the marketing firm and it shook my confidence. I also took the job because it was a connection, and graphic design, what could go wrong? I feel like I never fully found my voice in my work, then to work for someone else with an entirely different voice than what you sorta know is jarring.

Around this time the then boyfriend was looking for a new place. I knew it was way too fucking soon but I just lost my biggest income and I wasn’t sure what to do and it seemed like an okay idea and we knew each other from Santa Fe so it’s more like ‘home’. So he moves in. That was probably the start of the end. When he moved in I was not fully unpacked. (Its 2020 and I’m still not unpacked) and then we added all of his boxes to mine. It never got unpacked (see?). A month or so after he moved in, in May of 2019, i started my second retail job selling jewelry in the same mall. My life became dominated by work. I worked 40-50 weeks with sometimes, no days off. He and I continued to live, and we both eventually were holding two jobs. Four incomes and we still struggled to balance out. We lived in mess and disorganization and chaos 24-7. I was always frustrated, I felt that I carried both of us sometimes and I was never happy. This translated into our relationship. We had a rough stint from October 2019 to January 2020. It was a nightmare of a time. We still lived together but it was rough. We tried to work on things and then COVID-19 happened. I suddenly wasn’t working at all, and he is an essential worker. He works a minimum 6 days a week. This put strain on our rebuild. I’m sure I also didn’t help but the new stresses didn’t help too. Which all led to a one time drunken night. Against better judgement I let a friend come over and the three of us drunkenly talked and had a good time. I fell asleep early and was later awoken by noises no one wants to hear wen you’re 1/2 of a couple and the other 1/2 is with the 3rd. I know what I heard and walked out on that night. I know the story he is telling me. And I know the stance that she is taking. None of them add up but that’s where I just have to decide what’s next. Post grad life. Absolute low

The nights are heardest. I wake up 2:30-3:30 every morning without fail. I can’t help but think about it. What did I do wrong? I know we were struggling but why didn’t he just come to bed? I ache with so much sadness in my heart for what feels like the wrong reasons. I feel that there was more I probably could have done but I am living this out as a sign. The universe told me to open a new fucking chapter so I am. I have some design goals that are also life goals so I love that. First, I want to work on my portfolio. I know lindafinegold probably isn’t hiring but that brand voice is what I am craving. I want to work on my portfolio and a few projects that let me sit in that, marinate, see if it’s my flavor. If it is I only hope I can figure out a way to get noticed. Second, I want to work more on a personal project. Probably something small to start. I loved making stickers before. Maybe start there. Third, I’d like to go to the fucking gym again but covid. bitch.

The final side piece I’d like to say is that I love you Steven Garcia. I found out in January you passed, one week after my grandma. You passed in October 2019 and I didn’t know. I’m sorry I never checked in with you after I moved. I always missed you. For I’m sure, more than a year, you were a light in my life. My friend. My dude. My homie. I will never forget the kindness and love you showed me. The long drives through Santa Fe. The after work beers. The holidays we spent together. The weird movies we were into. I cried, I wept, I screamed, I think I even slammed my head in the wall because I didn’t want any of it to be true. In those moments I wanted to take all your pain and suffering. I don’t know what happened to you but I hope you are free. I will always cherish our puppy dog days. Rest In Peace homie, I love you.

If you’re someone out there reading this, I’m sorry? Thank you? Although I write for no audience, sometimes I need to dump my brain and I appreciate if you’re listening. I hope I continue to do this. I spent one hour typing and reflecting and it is maybe the most relaxed I feel in awhile.

Until next time. x