#hoffkitty my beloved

[hoffstrap-yuri]

Cat for Tat

ao3 // masterlist

Summary: Peter was not sure how he would prove to his roommate that a cat could understand the innate human instinct to be a bother to, him, Peter Strahm.

Tags/Content: Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Crack, Animal Transformation

Rating: T for Teen (For now subject to change)

Status: Chapter 2 of ??. Chapter 1 can be found here. Chapter 3 can be found here. (EXPLICIT CONTENT BEGINS HERE)

Author's Note:

Can you tell I'm procrastinating on my long fic with this fic? xD

Once again inspired by the lovely @dixxiemaegraphics art of Hoffkitty. That and the dynamic of Lindsey and Strahm as besties/siblings is so important.... to me. May include a cameo if you blink.

Please enjoy!

“Would it kill you to teach him tricks? At least then he could entertain us.” Strahm scoffed. It’d been over a week of Mark’s terror inflicted onto the house. His current favorite activity, much to Strahm’s dismay, was coughing up hairballs into the agent’s shoes while the agent wasn’t looking. He even moved his work clothes into his closet, but it didn’t deter the cat one bit.

“He knows some tricks!” Lindsey huffed, wrestling with the cat for the return of his squishy toy mouse. “Please let me have it…. I’ll throw it and you can run after it again.”

“He’s just doing it to upset you. Watch.” Strahm squatted down next to the cat who dropped it at his feet before Strahm chucked it down the hallway. The fat fluffball skittered down the hard wood to get his toy and brought back to Strahm. He kept it in his mouth, anticipating another game of tug of war with the man. Strahm shook his head before telling the cat. “Nope, I’m not gonna play this game. Either you’re going to drop it, or you don’t get it thrown.” The cat admitted begrudging defeat and dropped the toy in front of Lindsey, expecting kinder treatment from his doting mother. She threw the toy and watch him run as fast as his little legs would carry him across the apartment. When he returned, he dropped it at her feet immediately with no fuss. “See?”

“He must really like you.” Lindsey smirked a little

“If he liked me, little fucker wouldn’t be vomiting on my clothes every chance it gets.”

“Oh, I was thinking of taking him to the groomers today.”

“Gonna put him in another awful bow?”

“No. But you gotta admit that he’s all scruffy looking.”

“I don’t care what he looks like, Linds.” Strahm rolled his eyes

“You can’t tell me he hasn’t grown on you, a little bit.”

“He hasn’t. But him getting cared for by you is better than kicking another cat out to the street.”

“Hm. I think you just don’t want to let him know how much you love him.”

“I don’t love him.” Strahm repeated, “You need him in his crate?”

“Yeah. If you could.”

“Okay.” Strahm sighed and pulled his sleeves down and reached out to grab underneath the cat’s ample stomach. Despite putting the beast on diet food and making sure that only one of them was feeding him at his scheduled times, Mark seemed to show no signs of getting smaller. Maybe the doctor had gotten his gender wrong and he was full with a whole litter. That or his fur was really just that thick. Mark didn’t protest as Strahm slung the animal into his crate, only letting out a soft meow in protest. He rubbed up against the grates on his cage, looking for some form of contact with his “step-owner” as Lindsey had called Strahm. Strahm gave in to the cat’s pathetic little charm and slipped a finger between the hole to rub against the side of the animal.

“Oh crap…” Lindsey muttered under her breath

“What?”

“I’m supposed to be in court this afternoon for a case… Peteeeeeeee?”

“No. No I won’t.” He already knew where she was going with her plead

“It was hard enough to get him an appointment, please I don’t know when I’m going to have time to get him in and…” She got more exasperated as her begging went on. Peter walked over to her and covered her mouth with the palm of his hand, closing his eyes. He wanted to be annoyed by his partner but he loved her at the end of the day, and like a dutiful older brother he said:

“Fine. I’ll take him.” He took his hand off her mouth and her eyes sparkled

“Thank you!”

“Yeah, yeah. You’re buying dinner tonight.”

“You got a deal.” She smiled back at him

“Okay, looks like you get the lap of luxury.” He picked the crate up and jostled it a bit. Mark hissed at him, having jostled him too hard. “Sorry” the apology being as sincere as Strahm could be. He carefully carried the cat down to the car before placing it in the back seat. He put the belt around the crate, just in case. He wasn’t sure whether or not it was something he was supposed to do but thought what was the worst that could happen. He turned the car on and drove to the groomers that Lindsey had made the appointment at. When he got there he talked a little bit with the punk at the front desk. Stupid looking kid probably no more than thirty. They waited in the lobby for a minute before a woman around the same age as the guy at the counter came out and asked for Mark. Strahm brought him into her room.

“Was he sedated?” She asked, letting Mark sniff her finger before getting all up in his fluff. He purred loudly as she properly pet him. Even showed her his belly. She cooed over him and swept her choppy bangs back behind her ears before looking back up at Strahm, waiting on an answer for her question. His eyes focus on the scars on her arms, hoping for her sake that she had gotten them from a very vicious cat.

“Um… no. But you’ll probably wish he had been.” Strahm laughed nervously, “I’ve never been with him to an appointment. He’s my roommate’s cat.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” She raised an eyebrow as she questioned everything about Strahm. After giving him a quick clip of his nails, she brought Mark over to the wash station and carefully wet him, making sure he was comfortable with the temperature and the running water before going all out with a shampoo. Much to Strahm’s amusement the cat was just pure fat but also had a lot of fluff as well. “Oh my god, you’re such a good boy…” She crooned. God did that stupid cat eat up the adoration and praise from his groomer. “Okay, you might not like this sweetie, but it’s the fastest way to dry you off.” She shoved him into a box with a dryer attached to it and fluffed him up with the air current. He managed to look even more puffy than he had before the bath. When the girl let him out of the box, Mark came running into her arms for cuddles. “Aren’t you just the sweetest little guy?”

“He’s only nice when you don’t have to live with him.” Strahm muttered under his breath. She continued giving him affectionate little scratches around the collar Lindsey had bought for Mark.

“Oh, that’s weird.” Her finger stopped on a spot on the back of his neck and cut out some of the fur around it. “There’s a little mark here… almost looks like a jigsaw piece.” She motioned for Strahm to come over to her and he glanced over her shoulder.

“Weird.”

“A mark from your previous owner, Jigsaw Kitty?” She asked Mark, who rolled around on the table in ignorant bliss. She continued singing a little tune with “Jigsaw Kitty” in it while she cut the fur down to manageable fluff for both him and his owners. “How does he look?”

“Fine. I think. Let me send a picture to his owner.” Strahm squatted in front of the table as the woman opened a fresh squeeze tube of some kind of cat treat for him. He took the picture and sent it off with a question mark to Lindsey and waited for a response. “So…”

“So?”

“How much do I owe you for this?”

“Um… our guy up front handles the numbers. I just do the services.” She laughed to herself

“Okay, okay.” He nodded. His phone buzzed, and not a minute too soon. Too many damn emoticons in her message, but they were all smiley faces… at least Strahm thought. He handed his cell phone over to the younger woman to decode for him.

“She said it’s good.” She handed him the phone and waited for him to put it back in his pocket before scooping Mark up and slowly putting him back in his cage. She wrote out a ticket for him, and handed it to him. He thanked her and went up to the front desk. He paid for the grooming session and brought the cat home to his beloved mother. Mark began screaming and scraping his nails against the grates of his cage when he realized he was almost home. Strahm rummaged through his pocket as fast as he could, but it wasn’t fast enough. Lindsey opened the door and unlocked the beast from his carrier, scooping up her chubby baby into her arms.

“Oh I missed you.” She held him tightly, running her hand against the back of his head. He nuzzled into his owner’s body and meowed as she pampered him with affection. “You look so fluffy. Look at you!” She dangled him around, “Ooh what a long boy you are.”

“You’re welcome, by the way.” Peter mumbled under his breath, feeling about as popular as chopped liver.

“Thanks Pete.”

“How did the court appearance go?”

“Turns out it was a deposition, and it went well.” She replied

“So, you’re still buying dinner?”

“Yeah, just write down what you want from Crystal.”

“Were you getting the drunken noodles?”

“Absolutely.”

“Good.” He scribbled something down on the paper and handed it to her. She tossed it onto the counter before pulling out the basket of toys for her cat. How she managed to collect so much crap would always be a mystery to Peter but he didn’t have it in him to argue about it. He plopped onto the couch and when Lindsey asked him whether or not he was going to take a nap he replied that he would ‘Just rest his eyes’. A couple of hours later and he heard the crinkling of a plastic bag next to his head and he just barely opened his eyes to see what the noise was.

“Food’s here.”

“Thanks.” He responded in a tired grumble. He patted the spot next to him as he was about to get up and his hand landed on top of the cat. He gave Mark a couple of pets before getting up, stirring the cat up to follow him into the kitchen. Mark threaded between his legs while Strahm tried to avoid stepping on Mark’s tail. The cat nuzzled against the inside of Strahm’s leg while the agent grabbed a couple things out of their containers. Lindsey pulled out her phone and snapped a picture while Strahm wasn’t looking. She would definitely send this to him when he said ‘I don’t give a damn about that stupid fat cat’ in a couple day’s time. Mark meowed and pawed at Strahm’s leg as Strahm started walking back towards the living room with his plate. He kept his plate high above his head, knowing that Mark was trying to steal something from his plate. The cat desperately cried out like he’d been starved for weeks as Strahm sat next to Lindsey and Lindsey chose a channel. He jumped onto the couch and settled in Strahm’s lap, giving him the biggest, wettest eyes his little kitty face could muster. Strahm only replied with a stern “No.” before he hopped onto Lindsey’s lap when it was clear he would gain nothing from the agent. He gave Lindsey a look before watching her resolve fade and giving into the little devil. Mark happily stole the piece of shrimp from Lindsey’s finger tips and licked at the remnants when he was done.

“Don’t enable him.” Strahm warned her. “You’re probably the reason he hasn’t lost any weight.”

“I know, I know.” She sighed, relaxing into the couch. When Mark came back begging for another piece she played keep away with her plate until he went scampering over to the other side of Strahm. He shoved his forehead into Strahm’s leg before curling up by him. Stupid thing. Stupid cute thing. Strahm had no choice but to give his butt a little pat before getting up to do dishes. Lindsey picked Mark up from his spot, seeing he was about to throw a fit over losing Peter’s presence and curled up with him under a blanket. After he finished the dishes he went to tell Lindsey he was going to bed, only to see her passed out in a similar sleep to what Strahm was hoping for that night. He turned on his heels and went to his bedroom, leaving the door open a crack. God knows what hell Mark would raise if he was deprived of the chance to suffocate Strahm in his sleep. He slipped under his bed sheet and lied on his back for a moment before slowly drifting of to sleep. He was half-asleep when he felt the weight shift on the bed. Someone was next to him.

“Linds? Y’kay?” He asked, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. What he did not expect was to find a fat, barely dressed man in the spot next to him. His eyes shot open and was ready to jolt out of bed when the man, staring back at him with icy blue eyes, held him down by his shoulders. “Who the fuck…”

“Meow?” The man answered. Strahm felt like he’d been thrown into the Potomac. Surely this guy in his bed couldn’t be Lindsey’s fucking cat.

[hoffstrap-yuri]

Cat For Tat

ao3 // masterlist

Summary: Peter was not sure how he would prove to his roommate that a cat could understand the innate human instinct to be a bother to, him, Peter Strahm.

Tags/Content: Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Crack, Animal Transformation

Rating: T for Teen (For now subject to change)

Status: Chapter 1 of ??. Chapter 2 can be found here. Chapter 3 can be found here (EXPLICIT CONTENT BEGINS HERE).

Author's Note: So here's my fic that was inspired by @dixxiemaegraphics lovely art of Hoffkitty (x) (x) (x).  He's just such an adorable little shit I knew he would get on Strahm's nerves and I needed to write for it. I also don't know when I'm going to update with chapter two right off the bat because I have a bigger project going on in the background, but I can't say anything about that juuuust yet! So while you wait for that, enjoy this little fic!

“Damn it…” Strahm stepped off the metro and onto the platform barely covered by an awning. He remembered he left his umbrella back at the office. He would have to make the walk back to his car in the downpour of a lifetime. “Fuck this, fuck this, fuck this” He made it to his car, then slammed his head into the steering wheel as he realized that Lindsey’s car was in the lot spot that day, and he’d have to park on the street. He didn’t bother praying to a deity for a close parking spot, he knew they wouldn’t answer him anyway. He found a spot only a block away, it would have to be good enough for tonight. He pulled his phone from his pocket and checked his messages.

“Ordered Indian, see you later!” Something quick from Lindsey sent nearly 30 minutes ago. Their food would be arriving any second. He tucked it back in on the inside of his jacket and held onto the door handle. He hesitated for a second before finally stepping out into a deep puddle and soaking his dress shoes. He cursed under his breath before stepping out of the hole and made the walk down the side street. Just as he was about to step up to the apartment building he heard a quiet animal noise. His foot led up the first step, when the noise got louder. It sounded desperate. He stepped back down and peered his head around the corner from where the sound came and saw… the fattest stray cat he’d ever seen.

“What is this ugly thing.” He muttered under his breath, scoffing at the gray cat. The thing looked up at him with big wet eyes and meowed at him for his attention. “… Lindsey would like you.” So despite thinking that this stupid thing was one of god’s ugliest creations he reached his hands out and scooped the cat into them. He held the cat against his chest like a baby, surprised by the heft that the gray feline packed. With the cat in one arm, he opened the door to the apartment building and climbed up the stairs. He grabbed the keys in his pocket and opened the door, announcing to his friend that he was home. “Linds?”

“Yeah?” She stepped out into the hallway before rushing over to the little gray furball in his hands. “Oh my god, oh look at this little baby. Little gordito…” She brought her finger up to his chin and gave him scratches. The cat purred and flipped himself around in Strahm’s arm to get closer to the affectionate woman. She pulled the cat from Strahm’s arm and let his legs flop around for a moment. “Oh my god you’re so loooooong.”

“I take it you like him?” Strahm had to laugh. His best friend, his work partner, the woman who scared men twice Strahm’s size into confessions…. Obsessed with an obese cat.

“I love him.”

“Good.” He smiled

“Here, can you hold him for a second? I think I have some leftover Purina from that foster I had a couple months ago.” She handed the puff of fluff back to her partner and rummaged under the sink for the can. “Found it” She announced. He looked at the cat and frowned. The stupid thing almost seemed smug? Could a cat be smug? He carefully let the cat fall onto the ground, the animal skittering across the wooden floors towards the kitchen. Lindsey, while in a crouch, ran her fingertips over the cat’s forehead and gave him some scratches. “Hope you don’t mind the bowl…” She took the bowl and moved it away from the sink, placing it before the cat as she waited for his approval. The cat happily shoved his whole head into the bowl and licked up every last bit of the wet food before him. One more head pat and Lindsey went to get him a water bowl. The cat stretched out in front of the bowl before running and getting water from his other bowl. He lapped at the surface of the water with an insane intensity. Lindsey titled her head as she watched him and asked herself, “How long were you out there? You’re acting like you haven’t eaten in days.”

“It probably wouldn’t kill him to miss a couple treats.” Strahm muttered under his breath. Lindsey turned around, perking her ears up like she had missed something that he had said. He sealed his lips back up and shrugged, pretending as though he had been quiet the whole time. He went to get the door when their delivery arrived and Lindsey threw a couple toys in the cats face to see what he liked. He seemed to most enjoy the crinkly pom pom balls, but would never go far to catch them, making Lindsey get up and grab them if they got too far from him with his sad pathetic meows. “Food’s here, Linds.”

“Okay.” She got up from the floor and walked over to their couch. The cat followed from a distance, meowing for attention from his affectionate owner. She ignored his pleas for toys as she grabbed two pieces of naan from the foil and pulling her lamb vindaloo away from his chicken tikka masala. “What are we watching?”

“I’ve got either The Notebook or Brokeback Mountain.”

“Huh, let’s do Brokeback.” She shrugged, tucking some rice into the side of her cheek as she talked.

“Okay.” He popped the DVD into the machine and skipped through as many of the trailers as he could before getting cockblocked by the ‘FBI Anti-Piracy Warning’. Sometimes Strahm hated his own agency more than life itself. They got to the menu and after turning on subtitles for Strahm’s hearing and Lindsey’s attention, they got into the movie. Not usually one to complain about well done movies, Strahm was bored during the opening. The wide shots of the greenery did nothing for his east coast big family in one house sensibilities. Lindsey seemed enamored with it though, so as much as he wanted to say something about ‘We get it there’s trees’, he kept his mouth shut. She hit his shoulder after about twenty minutes and made a grabbing motion with her hand. He handed her the papadam and let her eat those.

“You’re never this quiet during movies.” She laughed

“I’m enjoying it, for once.” He mouthed back at her, stealing one of the crackers before she could finish the whole stack. Their cat that had sadly settled at Lindsey’s feet began making noises during the climax of the movie as Jack’s wife coldly talked to her husband’s lover. Strahm didn’t think much of it and Lindsey had her eyes glued to the screen. As Ennis cried, holding Jack’s shirt flat against his chest, their cat’s noises came to an abrupt stop. Strahm looked down at his shoe as the cat pawed at the rubber edges of the shoes before projectile vomiting over said shoes. Strahm scrambled to get up, covering his mouth to prevent himself from vomiting on the cat in turn. He tried to keep his feet from curling up to his chest and getting the vomit onto the couch as Lindsey made a dash for the kitchen to grab a wet rag.

“Stupid fucking cat!” He yelled. The cat looked at him smug once more. How could that stupid creature feel smug?

“Here, get your shoes off.” Lindsey came back, holding onto a wet towel as he stripped himself of the shoes as fast as his fingers could get him out. He grabbed the towel to clean his hand off first and took his socks off, trying to avoid any goop on the ground that might have slide off the shoes and onto the floor.

“For fucks sake, Linds.” Strahm got up from his seat and walked to the bathroom. The cat followed him from a distance, lurking like a shadow in Strahm’s footsteps. He cleaned his hands off proper and looked as the cat pushed on the door to close it on Strahm. Not fast enough, Strahm was able to keep the door open, damn near ready to punt the little thing. He wrapped his hands under the fat belly of this menace and carried it, face forward, back to Lindsey. She took a new rag and cleaned up the puke from around the corners of the cat’s mouth. “He’s going in the morning.”

“You can’t let him go back out.” Lindsey frowned slightly, “He might get mauled or ran over.”

“Then take him to the humane society.” Strahm sighed

“What if I train him?”

“You can’t train a cat to just not throw up.” He scoffed. He rubbed his face with his fingertips and let out a deep sigh.

“I can get him a new bowl tomorrow, one that will hopefully slow down his eating.”

“Fine. Just a couple more days.”

“Yay.” She cheered mostly to herself, picking up the cat and cradling him like a baby. His tail swung over Lindsey’s forearm, purring happily as he received pets from her. “I also need to buy him some diet food. I’ll take him to the vet.”

“Good. Maybe you can see if he’s chipped and give him back to his owners.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“I’m going to bed.”

“Okay, good night.” She said, not letting go of her pet. He lumbered off to bed, only to hear that fat bitch fall to the floor and come scuttling after him. “Oh no. You’re not sleeping in my bed, satan spawn.” The thing meowed at him, like he hadn’t just vomited all over Strahm. Its noise was so pathetic, Strahm had no choice but to scoop him up and bring him into his room. He plopped the cat onto the mattress as he pulled his pajama pants and beat up t-shirt out from his dresser and changed into those. His eyes kept darting behind his person as he listened to make sure the cat didn’t make those same noises, or planning sneak attack two on Strahm’s bed. When he was changed, he went to the bathroom and brushed his teeth before going back to bed. The cat stared at the FBI agent as he rolled over the sheets again and again, leaving his stomach exposed to the human. “Tubby little fuck.” Strahm reached a hand to pet the stomach before the cat moved away, running out of the room and crying for Lindsey’s attention again. “Stupid thing.” He said to himself before crawling under his comforter and falling asleep. He doesn’t know what time it is when he wakes up the next morning, only that the little puffball has taken up residence over Strahm’s face. The cat placed itself strategically over his nose and mouth, blocking his airways. Strahm peeled the animal from his face and got out of his bed. “How the hell did you get in here, you fat fuck?” He opened the door and looked at the vicious scratching he had managed to do.

“Morning.” Lindsey greeted him, looking similarly tired. “He was clawing and crying for an hour last night, begging to be let into your room.”

“Fat bitch tried to suffocate me.” He dangled the cat in her face. She scooped the cat into her arms

“Mark.”

“What?”

“His name is Mark. Don’t know why, he just looks like a Mark.” She shrugged, bouncing the cat around as she explained the name. The cat purred in response to Lindsey’s pampering, giving Strahm a look as he did.

“Anyway, Mark tried to suffocate me in my sleep.” Strahm stared back at the thing bitterly. He was onto the cat’s ruse. The evil thing. Lindsey jerked the cat away from her friend, sensing the weird vibe between them.

“I’ll see if the vet has anything to say about his behavior today.” She took the cat with her and gently tossed her pet into the carrier. Strahm heard his screams of protest from down the hall and laughed to himself. Stupid thing. When the beast was contained, he decided he could go about his morning routine with ease. He started the coffee pot in the kitchen before stepping into the shower. He let the water run over his face for a moment and reached for his shampoo. Mark had only been in the house for a few hours, but he was already a menace to put it mildly. Strahm enjoyed having this moment to himself without worry that the cat would worm its way into the bathtub and start peeing on his feet. He got out and went back to the kitchen to grab his coffee, throwing the liquid into a nondescript mug that only a middle aged man could own. He heard the low grumbles of the thing in the carrier as he took a sip, only to lean in and antagonize the cat some more.

“Can’t get out of there, can you you stupid thing?” He hovered a finger over a slot in the top of the box. The cat threw its whole body against the door, but it didn’t budge. Once more and he made a dent. “How fucking fat are you?”

“Stop teasing him.” Lindsey leaned against the frame lead into the kitchen, “You wouldn’t like it if Rogers came into your office and called you a fat sack of shit.”

“Rogers doesn’t have the balls to call me that.” Strahm scoffed, “To my face anyway.”

“Yeah, well in any event, see you later.” She picked up the carrier and headed out of the apartment. Strahm finished his breakfast and walked out to his car to get to work. He’d be working late tonight, he could afford the drive in to the office. Hell he would even treat himself to another cup of coffee on the ride in. It’s the least he deserved for putting up with the hell cat the previous night. His workday was uneventful otherwise. Lindsey texted him a couple of times but he didn’t check his phone until he was out for the night.

“Doctor said he was fine, and gave me some food to help him lose weight!”

“I have a surprise!”

“Did you get rid of the stupid thing?” Strahm managed to type before hitting the backspace and just deciding that he would find out the surprise when he got home. The congestion from the nine to five office workers had let up and the ride to his apartment was smooth. He found a spot round the corner from the building and walked into his apartment. Inside he saw the fluff ball being tortured by Lindsey as she attempted to tease his fur up into a little bow on his head. The poor thing almost looked grateful as her attention was shifted onto something that wasn’t him for a second. He used the opportunity to make a sluggish run towards Peter’s bedroom and hide. “Son of a bitch.”

“Isn’t he adorable?” Lindsey looked up at him with big eyes.

“I say this because I love you Linds, that was the ugliest thing you could’ve put that stupid cat in.” Strahm told her point blank.

“You’re no fun.” She huffed and went looking for her cat

“How did the vet go, other than saying he was healthy?” Strahm went into the kitchen and rummaged through their fridge for leftovers.

“It was the weirdest thing, the doctor said we could get him neutered today and as they were trying to take him out of the room he attacked the techs. He wouldn’t even let me touch him until the doctor called the whole thing off.”

“Told you that thing was evil.”

“He’s not evil, Pete.” She rolled her eyes at him

“He radiates pure evil. I feel like I’m being watched by a creature too stupid to know whether or not it should dip its feet into the water bowl.”

“I think you’ve just had too much coffee today.”

“I’ll show you Lindsey.” He grumbled a little bit, not sure how he would prove to his roommate that a cat could understand the innate human instinct to be a bother to Peter Strahm.

[hoffstrap-yuri]

Cat for Tat

ao3 // masterlist

Summary: Peter was not sure how he would prove to his roommate that a cat could understand the innate human instinct to be a bother to, him, Peter Strahm.

Tags/Content: Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Crack, Animal Transformation, Smut, Fluff and Smut, Eventual Smut

Rating: +18 for explicit mature content

Status: Chapter 3 of ??. Chapter 1 can be found here. Chapter 2 can be found here.

Author's Note:

Wohoo boy, sorry this chapter took so long. Life got in the way with burnout from my job and looking for another job that I just didn't have the motivation to finish it. However, with Strahm's birthday yesterday let's just say I was inspired. I'm also putting a small warning out there that I might take another pretty long hiatus after October 31st since that's Dragon Age Veilguard release date, anddddd I will be playing that as soon as I possibly can. xD

Also remember how I mentioned that the rating could go up? Yeah, this chapter is why T is being changed to E so... be prepared for the smut, and as always I hope you enjoy!

After what felt like an hour of silence the man lying next to Strahm pursed his lips to say “meow” once more before Strahm’s hand covered his lips. He only pulled his hand away as Mark’s teeth grazed his palm, still used to being in his feline form. He seemingly forgot that a nip while he was a cat would translate to a hospital visit as a human.

“Bad.” Strahm scolded him, before realizing how ridiculous it must look to be scolding a middle-aged man like a pet. Still, even in his human form Mark’s blue eyes shone through the dark of the room and pierced the other man like knives thrown around his silhouette. Finally he mustered up the will to ask the other man, “What the fuck are you?”

“Well I’m a man that can turn into a cat.”

“Oh sure that explains everything.” Strahm rolled his eyes and ran his hand over his face, hoping that this all was just a dream. He rolled over and did his best to pull the blankets back over his shoulder despite the bulkier man weighing everything in Strahm’s bed down. Mark rolled over slightly to let Strahm steal the covers back only to roll off the bed with a thud. “What the hell are you doing?” Strahm eked out between gritted teeth. “You’re going to wake up, Linds…”

Lindsey.

How the fuck could Peter begin to explain what was happening in his bedroom? No way that fat ass could have slipped in from the window. Not that Strahm ever had hook-ups behind Perez’s back that he felt he needed to hide. Hell he didn’t have hook-ups, period. A thousand thoughts raced through his head before a groggy voice hit his ears.

“Pete? You okay?” He heard Lindsey’s feet hit the floor. He couldn’t answer too fast, or she’d know that he was awake. He tried his best to sound half-asleep as he replied to her,

“Huh?”

“I heard a thud.” She quietly shouted across their unit. Thank god they were on the end of the building.

“Yeah… Mark just dropped my water glass.” He lied through his teeth

“Do you need the broom?”

“No!” He shouted back way too quickly, “I’ll get it.”

“Okay.” He heard her bed creak, indicating he was safe. To maintain the ruse he tiptoed out to the living room and grabbed the broom from the closet. He brought it back to his room and waited for what felt like a safe amount of time before pacing back to the kitchen and putting the tool away. In the time it took him to “clean up”, Mark had turned back into a cat and buried his fat ass into Strahm’s pillow.

“Oh absolutely not. You think just because I saw you as a human, I’m just going to let you sleep on my pillow you stupid… Stupid thing.” Strahm struggled with the words to call the cat man. He pulled the shrieking feline off his pillow and plopped his fat little body down onto the mattress before crawling under his sheets. The cat transformed yet again, and peered at Strahm as the other man tried to fall back asleep.

“And here I thought I was growing on you.” Mark’s voice dripping in sarcasm. “You seemed like you even almost liked me when we went to the groomer.”

“Can you just fuck off? I have to be up in…” He glanced over at his analog clock, “Four hours.”

“You know, it’d really suck to wake up with a hair ball stuck to your head. Again.”

“Fine.” Strahm rolled back over to face the asshole, “What do you want?”

“I want to know what we are, Agent.”

“What do you mean ‘what we are’?” Strahm scoffed

“Well Lindsey… I get along with her well enough.”

“The fact she can’t stop shoving treats in your fat face helps probably.” The man grumbled and flipped back onto his other side. He kept his eyelids shut tight as he tried to ignore the curve of the other man’s stomach pressing against his back. He felt Mark’s eyes staring into the back of his head as the man waited for an answer to his question. “You’re not going to let me fall asleep until I tell you, are you?”

“Absolutely not.” Mark huffed, his breath skating along the back of Strahm’s neck. He wished he were the cat now and was able to dash from the room without a second thought.

“I like you. I tolerate your presence in my shared apartment.”

“That’s all?”

“That’s all. It’s an answer, isn’t it?”

“I suppose so.” Mark laughed to himself, “Good night, Agent.”

“Night… Mark.” With that sorted, Peter was finally allowed sleep. He woke up the next morning to find that Mark had turned back into a cat. He was curled up around himself in a perfect oval, perched on top of Strahm’s sheets like a paperweight. “Morning fat-ass. Don’t ‘meow’ at me and act all cute. I know it’s all a lie.” The cat before him stretched out its little paws before transforming to the man he had seen last night. Now that he could actually see him, Strahm almost scoffed. The man had to be nearly three-hundred pounds and still leeched off Lindsey and his paycheck by acting like a helpless little animal.

“Like what you see?”

“No.” Strahm answered quickly. Too quickly. They both caught onto the fact that Strahm was flustered. “I’m getting breakfast.”

“Fine. I’ll come with you.” Mark finished his thought before transforming. He skittered onto the floor and threaded his body in the space between Strahm’s legs. Strahm walked out to the kitchen where Lindsey was already dressed for the day, taking a sip from her coffee mug.

“Morning.” She greeted her roommate.

“Morning.” He hummed back. He walked over to the coffee machine and grabbed his own mug, filling it higher than he normally would.

“How’d you sleep after all that commotion?” Lindsey asked him, an eyebrow arched as she drank from her cup. “Get all the glass cleaned up?”

“Yeah. Though this idiot wanted to play in the shards.” He titled his chin in Mark’s direction. Mark rolled over onto his back, showing off his belly as though he was trying to say he was innocent.

“You could’ve thrown him in my room for a second.” Lindsey put the coffee down before scooping her cat up into her arms and cuddling with him

“It’s fine.”

“Sounded… kind of like there was a guy in your room.”

“Huh?” Strahm spat his coffee out in pretend shock. The lukewarm beverage covered the cat in Lindsey’s arms before he squirmed his way back onto the floor, frustrated at his step-owner. Strahm smirked at the cat as it padded back down the hallway and towards his room. He cleared his throat before continuing, “So you… thought you heard a guy?”

“Yeah. That or you were just talking to yourself. In a voice lower than your normal voice.” She shrugged.

“Yeah. I was just… Erickson.”

“Erickson?” She her raised eyebrow reaching new heights Strahm had never seen before. She thought this was a load of bullshit too.

“Yeah he’s been asking me for updates on this case, so I was spit balling how that conversation would play out…”

“And mimicking his voice?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.” The tone at the end of her word curled up. He knew she didn’t believe the story he’d spun, but how much weirder was it than if he had told the truth? “Anyway, you driving in?”

“You want a ride?”

“Yes please.”

“Okay, give me a second and we can go.” Strahm walked over to the closet to grab a suit jacket. Lindsey walked to Strahm’s room and dragged Mark out of his room for the day. She gave him a quick boop on his nose as she explained that he’d get a treat if he was a good boy during the day to which he flopped over. “C’mon Linds.”

“Okay, okay. One last kiss.” She pressed her lips onto Mark’s head and left her kitty for the work day. She kicked her feet up onto the dash while Strahm drove the two into the city. Strahm slowly pushed her feet back off the dash before hearing a scoff.

“Worried about the leather?”

“No, crash.” He said, matter-of-fact

“When’s the last time you got in an accident here?”

“You never know with the way some of these embassy vehicles drive around.”

“Thanks, mom.” Lindsey rolled her eyes at her partner and laughed before crossing her legs in her seat. She was careful to be sure her feet weren’t up on the dash this time. After a small head-bob of gratitude, Strahm drove the two into the city.

Strahm sat at his desk and wondered what the man in disguise was doing in his apartment. Was he just lying, basking in the sunlight from their patio door? Had he broken into Lindsey’s ‘secret stash’ of cat treats for him? It was hard for him to keep his focus on work when he was filled with worry about a man he hardly knew. He must’ve zoned out too hard at his desk because he glanced over at the clock and it was well past five. Weird that Lindsey didn’t stop by his cubicle and tell him to log off for the day but he chocked it up to her being distracted once again at the water cooler. He did a quick loop around the department to find Lindsey before realizing a missing weight in his pocket. His car keys. Where the hell did she take his car? He dragged himself out of the office and hauled himself over to the crowded Metro station. Seemed like everyone had done a bit of overtime in the capital as the station was filled with overly caffeinated interns speaking in hushed whispers about their congress person they tend to. He ran a hand across his face as he tried to avoid listening to the gossip. If only he had had his car. One stop then a transfer. One stop and he’d be away from all these kids who wouldn’t be in the city this time next. He didn’t necessarily hate them, just their optimism. He skipped the first train that came and waited until a second one arrived almost twenty minutes later. He got off at the next stop before transferring onto the red line back to his apartment.

“Pick me up from the station?” He sent in a text to Lindsey before doubling down on it, “I know you have my car keys.”

“Sorry, had to run errands. Let me know +2 ahead.”

“I know the drill.” He shut his phone and shoved it into his pocket. Despite the inconvenience, his mind still had time to wander back to Lindsey’s cat, and his pest. He would have to wait until Lindsey was nearly unconscious and see if he could coax the man into transforming before him again. He had some questions he had to get off of his mind. He sent Lindsey a quick message when he hit the minimum stops notice and waited at the exit for a couple of minutes until she pulled the car into the pick-up line. He collapsed into the passenger’s seat and gave her a mildly disgruntled look. “What errands did you have to run?”

“Oh you know, had to haul ass to Baltimore. Stopped at Magnolia Bakery in Midtown.” She laughed. “Don’t worry, I refilled your tank for you and didn’t add anymore miles than you were going to put on driving home anyway.”

“So you stopped somewhere along the way home.”

“Don’t try to analyze me, Pete.”

“I smell flowers. Trader Joe’s?”

“Maybe.”

“Date night?”

“Oh yeah, me and my Hitachi are going real hot and heavy…” She spoke in a slow, seductive tone

“Stop stop stop.” He shut his eyes tight as he begged his friend to shut up. She smirked as she drove the two of them home. She ran past Strahm to get to the apartment first before closing the door behind her. “Linds! Lindsey I don’t have my key.”

“Wait!” She yelled back out into the hallway. He slumped the against the wall until Lindsey opened the door and said, “Okay, you can come in now.”

“Five seconds more and I would’ve called a lawyer. You know I have equal rights to an apartment with my name on the lease.”

“Quit kvetching and get in here.” He rolled his eyes and followed his partner into the apartment. She guided him into the kitchen like he was blindfolded before stopping him and turning to face him with a small chocolate cake. He tucked his arms one under the other as it dawned on him that he had almost forgotten his own birthday. Perez sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to him with a smile before handing him the cake to blow out his candles. He blew them out quickly and she clapped for him before taking the cake away and handing him a present. “From Mark and I.”

“Uh huh.” He had to laugh a little bit as he carefully slid the ribbon off the box and opened his present. It was a nice bottle of whiskey, something Strahm would never allow himself to buy for himself. “Linds…”

“I know, I know, spare me the lecture. You only turn 50 once.” She threw her hands up and smiled at him

“I… I don’t know when I’ll have the time to drink this.”

“Shut up.” She pulled out two rocks glasses for the two of them and threw an ice cube into hers. “I’ll even open it for you.”

“Thanks…” His voice trailed off as he handed the bottle back to Perez and watched her open it for the two of them. Mark pounced onto the counter and rubbed against Strahm’s glass. Lindsey quickly took the glassware away from the cat and put the bottle down. She picked up the chubby creature and threw him into her room for a moment so they could enjoy their drink in peace. His sad meows for attention were ignored by Lindsey as she made it back to the kitchen and poured the drinks for the two of them.

“Cheers. To another year stuck with you.” She smiled at him

“Cheers. To hoping you don’t spike my blood pressure through the roof during a walk-through. Again.” He returned her cheer with a smile of his own as he took a sip from the glass. His pulled the glass away from his lips so his short sip didn’t turn into a frat boy chug, but it was good. He brought the glass back up after a minute of waiting and took another quick drink.

“I’ll be honest, this doesn’t taste much different than Jack Daniel’s to me.” Lindsey scooted the glass across the counter towards him before going and grabbing a bottle of her preferred alcohol. Strahm poured what little reminded into his glass into Lindsey’s old one and carefully fished out the ever dissolving ice cube. After he worked through that first glass, he poured himself one more before decidedly going to bed. He went back into the kitchen to grab the glass of water that Lindsey had prepped for him at the end of the counter along with an aspirin just in case his two drinks were too much for him at his old age. He pulled the lonely cat out from Lindsey’s room, tucking him under an arm like he was carrying a football, and brought him into his room. The man transformed as soon as his paws hit the floor of Peter’s room.

“You forgot your own birthday, Agent?” Strahm couldn’t read his tone. Was he worried about Peter?

“Yeah, it’s fine though.” He ran a hand across his eyes as they adjusted to focus without his contact lenses.

“That’s sad. Even for a man like you.” And there was the aggravating behavior that he did to get under Strahm’s skin.

“I’m sorry, a man like me?” He looked at Mark

“Well your only friends are a cat and a woman twenty years younger than you. Pretty sad if you ask me.” His smirk was making Strahm’s blood boil

“But I’m happy. I’m happy with Lindsey anyway.” He added on after he saw Mark’s eyebrow raise after saying he was just ‘happy’. “You can’t fucking stand. I don’t know anything about you and yet… you annoy me. Every fucking chance you get.”

“It’s not my fault you make it so easy. You’re so up-tight all the time.”

“And don’t get me started on how you mooch off… well a woman twenty years younger than you by pretending to be this cute, helpless thing.” He threw Mark’s words back at him, “It’d be one thing if you were honest with her but here you are. Hiding in my room and talking to me because I’m the only person that knows about your double identity.” Strahm’s words were practically spit into Mark’s face. When had Mark gotten so close to him? Why were Strahm’s hands resting so firmly along Mark’s arms?

“Be honest with me, Agent. You’d also put up a front and pretend to be a house-pet if you were in my situation, wouldn’t you?”

“I don’t know your situation, do I?”

“I suppose you don’t.” Mark titled his head to the side. His bang fell onto his forehead and before Strahm had a rational response or the chance to ask one of the questions he had for the other man, he kissed him. Oh god, he was kissing Mark. Mark’s hands moved from his side to cup Strahm’s face, running a thumb over the stubble Strahm had meant to shave that morning before he found out that his cat wasn’t really a cat. His own hands moved as he used his body weight to shove Mark into the closet door. He paused for a minute just to make sure he didn’t hear the sound of Lindsey making a run for his room. When he was sure he was in the clear, his lips wandered from Mark’s lips to his jawline. Slowly his mouth moved across Mark’s neck and down along his shoulder blade. Mark’s nose rested along the side of his head as Strahm kissed him, his own lips pressing at the start of Peter’s side burns.

“Consider this my birthday gift to you…” Mark laughed against Strahm. His arms slid around the other man’s back and held him closer to his body. Strahm peeled the man off the door and threw him down into his bed before getting on top of him and working the first button of the other man’s shirt open. It was slow and agonizing as he felt more than just the whiskey burning in his stomach. He was so soft underneath his clothes. Strahm stopped when he had unbuttoned about half the shirt just to work one hand under the still tight fabric pulling across his chest and grabbed Hoffman’s pec. He slowly started massaging it, watching as Hoffman’s lips shaped into a perfect ‘oh’ while he moaned. Strahm slowly dipped his head lower and pressed his lips onto the muscle, keeping it taut in his hand. He licked the sweat that started to collect in the divot of Mark’s chest before moving to his other side where he lavished the doughy tit with as much attention as he gave the other. He pulled himself up only to work on freeing the man from the rest of his shirt. He did his best to undo the buttons while his lips crawled back up to Mark’s lips in a desperate attempt for something while they undressed. Mark’s hand ran through Strahm’s hair before pushing the other man back down his body.

“What do you want?” Strahm asked, almost growling

“It’s your birthday, Agent. Take me how you want me.” Mark growled back at him. One more kiss, digging his teeth into the inside of Mark’s lips and Strahm worked his pants off slowly. Mark’s hand took hold of the elastic waistband of Strahm’s pajama pants and slid it down for his partner. Strahm lifted himself off of Mark’s chest and started shuffling through his nightstand for lube. He quickly covered himself before thrusting into Mark. “Fuck…”

“Good?”

“Yeah. Just keep moving.” Mark’s nails dug into the back of Strahm’s shoulders. Strahm began to slowly thrust into Mark, doing his best to not lose it right away. He made a small grunt from the back of his throat as Mark’s moans went from barely audible to deep noises from his chest. Strahm moved one of his hands and placed it over Mark’s mouth. As much as he wanted to hear the pleasure he was inflicting onto his partner, he couldn’t afford Lindsey’s suspicion again. Mark seemingly rolled his eyes at being forced to be silent, but didn’t fight against the weight that Strahm’s palm offered against his mouth. In fact, his teeth sunk into the inside of Strahm’s hand just below his thumb. Strahm let out a little moan of his own as he felt the heat in his body overtake him complete and he came into Mark. He practically fell on top of the other man as he finished off. He rested his hands against the love handles on Mark’s hips as Mark reached under the man and jerked himself off. “Happy with yourself, Agent?”

“Uh huh.” Strahm muttered, his lips slowly moving against the skin of Mark’s collar bone. His eyelashes brushing across the other man as he held onto him tightly. He needed to clean himself up, but he could hardly move. He didn’t want to move… it felt right to be next to Mark like this.

“Sleep.”

“Don’t have to fucking tell me twice.”

“And that’s the Peter I know.” Mark pressed a kiss onto Strahm’s head as Strahm faded out of consciousness for the night. All and all it wasn’t such a bad birthday. Even if Mark was still a mystery to him.