#hobbit passive-aggression > elvish war and diplomacy

[thesummerestsolstice]

Silmarillion AU Where all the Elves are Hobbits and the Stakes are Significantly Lower:

Finwe is mayor of his part of the Shire, happily married to both Miriel and Indis because they all have two hands

Miriel doesn't die after childbirth she just goes off on a trip to find new artistic inspiration and doesn't come back

Don't worry she eventually shows back up again– turns out she got lost and a kind elvish warrior named Vaire helped her find her way back

Feanor has a good relationship with his siblings, although he and Nolofinwe have engaged in several bouts of passive-aggressive one-upsmanship

The most famous of these ended with Nolofinwe swimming several miles across a lake in winter to prove that he was the more dedicated brother. Feanor agreed after telling him off for being reckless.

The Silmarils aren't pseudo-holy gemstones here, they're a set of three really intricately carved pipe-weed pipes that the Finweans pull out on ceremonial occasions

Morgoth isn't a fallen god he's just an asshole elf who regularly breaks into the Shire to steal things

One day he steals the Silmarils; he doesn't kill Finwe though he just knocks him out

The rest of the First Age is mostly just increasingly convoluted plots by various Finweans to break into his fortress and steal back the pipes (and all the other stuff Morgoth has stolen)

The first of these attempts involves Feanor stealing one (1) boat from Mayor Olwe. No one dies though and he puts it back afterwards. It still results in a lot of petty gossip.

After one of the attempts Morgoth catches Maedhros and hangs him up in a really tall tree

He's stuck there for three weeks before Findekano finds him and gets him down with the help of a homemade hang-glider called "Thorondor"

One of the other hobbit mayors is Thingol, a dear friend (and possible ex boyfriend?) of Finwe

Most of the Ainur are elves here but the concept of hobbit Thingol marrying an eldritch goddess is too funny to pass up so Melian is still a Maia here

She and her descendants look pretty hobbit-ish but they have fairy wings and little antennae

It causes a huge scandal when their daughter, Luthien, runs off with a dwarf prince named Beren

Thingol even writes a very strongly worded letter telling her not to marry him, which is a very extreme measure by hobbit standards, but she doesn't listen

Eventually Beren decides to steal some hobbit stuff back from Morgoth to prove his worthiness

He ends up stealing back one of the pipes and giving it to Thingol

Thingol grudgingly accepts him and Bluthien settle into a nice, quiet life in the Shire

There's no Doriath kinslaying either there's just a long, very passive-aggressive series of letters between Thingol and Feanor until Finwe eventually steps in and Thingol returns the pipe