#hnnnnn i'm !!!!111!!!

[rkjisoo]

i don't even know what to say to you because you're creeping in on my dream after completely giving me up for your so -called career, only to act like i just don't exist. i wouldn't even be surprised if you made it work with someone else, because lying to me would just be so .. you. i want to learn how to forgive you but i don't know how or even think i can, so can you at least tell me how to start to try?? i don't want to hate you anymore.

she falters, her bravado failing because now she’s faced with the questions that tugs away at her pain - questions she has no plausible answers to. these are things she has buried away from everyone else because she has no idea how to make her way around if even if she tries. it is frustrating but what else can she do? “i have already asked you before, what do you want me to do?” she speaks, response barely above a whisper because she doesn’t have the strength anymore. “i cannot quit now, cannot leave as i’m too far into this. jinseok, this is my only hope in becoming an actress. there is nothing else out there for me and i am not optimistic enough to continue believing that there is any other way.” she shakes her head, breathing in heavily before she continues. “i was a foolish nineteen year old when everything fell apart between us. i allowed for my mind to carry over what my heart feels and i gave you up and i’m claiming that mistake. everything that i have said to you that day was wrong but i was too clouded by my aspirations to see it then. i thought then that i had to choose, believed it fiercely and acted upon it and only now i’m learning that i do not have to. that i can make things work both ways if only i had the right person for it. my biggest mistake was perhaps thinking that you weren’t it. there are no excuses for my actions but i’m learning, i really am. i am so sorry that i couldn’t ever make it up to you.” 

it is a long tirade but she continues. “i’m acting as if you don’t exist not because i want to but because i’m afraid of how we will blow up on each other if i do. we’re colleagues in a precarious environment and i do not want to make things more terrible for you than it already is. ignoring each other is our safest avenue but believe me if we could talk, be civil, i would want for nothing more than that.” she swallows. “i did not deserve you then, i sure as hell do not deserve you now. i cannot tell you how to forgive me because i don’t want to force anything on you. but please know that if there is anything in my life that i regret, it’s the fact that i caused you so much hurt and pain that it follows us even to this day.”