#hnnbjnghjgvg
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well. i was going to watch say goodbye again tonight to celebrate pumkin carving but instead i listened to boy division by mcr and sent myself into a spiral of nostalgia fueled dissasociation so thats where im at
#i am 14 years old i have to go to school tomorrow im gonna see redacted tomorrow and shes gonna tell me to kms#ans then we'll talk about dp and she'll hold my hand and ill go to her house after school and#itll smell like cigarette smoke and old wood and we'll eat microwave pancakes and watch infinite realms or mbsav or hercules#ohhhh god man. oh fuck dude this sucks so bad#im home but im not home but i have to drive back to indy tomorrow and i dont want to bc then ill have to go back to work#and every part of me wants to be 14 again but also if i ever had to relive that i dont think i could handle it but like#mmmmmmmmmmmmm#mourning. my everything.#um. well.#hnnbjnghjgvg#i miss her so much but i hate her guts and i think if i ever saw her again id throw up#but like. nobody has loved me that much since then. and that wansnt even real it was all just.#manipulation tactic but i was an idiot and it felt real and#aaughh ok. ok no more thinking abt her but also that does not help the general#floatiness#nothing feels real i am going to phase througubthe ceiling and flost away into the atmosphere#like a balloon in the wind or whatever#i hate this but also this is home but also#man i really shouldnt have listened to that fucking song huh#delete later
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