#hmm.. lately? ive been trying to let it go. obsessing over everything? is all ive ever known.

[lusalemaart]

dump of doodles. naturally. i hardly draw anymore.

[rfamess]

This cured my boredom for a little bit. Was making a few new music playlists and thought.. hmm. I wonder what kind of music the RFA listens to? So, I made this. For no reason at all.

What Kind of Music the RFA + V/Saeran Listen To:

Saeyoung/707:

- (I always see people writing that he’d listen to all star or other cringe meme songs because that’s what seems to be his entire personality, but I like to think he has more substance than that and listens to songs that don’t have to do with memes.)

- He definitely listens to rap/hip-hop.

- Can you not imagine him driving down the road in his cars, windows down, music blasting?

- He listens to his music uber loud in his headphones while working.

- His favorite artist is probably Tyler the creator, i mean, how could you not love him.

- Listens to Mac Miller when he’s sad :(

PLAYLIST:

Who Dat Boy - Tyler the Creator

Stutter - Freddie Dredd

Evil Fantasy - Freddie Dredd

Sweatpants - Childish Gambino

Bounce - Logic

Dead Wrong - Notorious B.I.G.

Movement - Oliver Tree

Stick to Your Guns - Watsky

Both - Gucci Mane

No Sleep Till Brooklyn - Beastie Boys

Can I Kick It - A Tribe Called Quest

No Limit - G Easy

Circles - Mac Miller

Broke Bitch - TMG (lol)

Bonfire - Childish Gambino

I THINK - Tyler the Creator

Good News - Mac Miller

I - Kendrick Lamar

FACE - Brockhampton

King Kunta - Kendrick Lamar

Lovely Things Suite: Knots - Watsky

Zen:

- (Similar to Saeyoung, I don’t believe Zens entire personality revolves around musicals, he probably doesn’t listen to them that often imo.)

- I like to think he’s a... well rounded individual when it comes to music

- Listens to anything and everything.

- I could see him listening to the same music as Seven, but is also very into 70s-90s rock like the Red Hot Chili Peppers and the like.

- He runs listening to all of his music on shuffle and doesn’t have a specific playlist so there’s never a certain vibe to it— it really is all over the place.

- In addition to Seven’s playlist, here’s Zen’s

PLAYLIST:

Funny Face - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Santeria - Sublime

Badfish - Sublime

The Luck You Got - The High Strung

Dedicated to the One I Love - The Mamas and the Papas

Heart of Glass - Blondie

Come as You Are - Nirvana

Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison

Machu Picchu - The Strokes

Dirty Harry - Gorillaz

Love of Your Life - Red Hot Chili Peppers

The Adults Are Talking - The Strokes

Bailee - The Licks

Where is my Mind - Pixies

Hurt Like Mine - The Black Keys

Gap - The Kooks

Give it Away - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand

Hoops - The Rubens

Conquest - The White Stripes

Ten Cent Pistol - The Black Keys

Yoosung:

- Yoosung likes more upbeat music, maybe more new age/alternative pop

- Listens to music every time he tries to study, but usually get distracted by it and starts to sing along instead of actually doing his work

- Is probably trying to branch out of his style, Seven and Zen try to convince him to listen to their favorite genres

- The three of them always argue about who has the best taste in music lol

- He’s constantly wondering if his music is “manly” enough (it’s okay yoosung it’s just music)

- If this dude gets drunk and hears any of this music he goes absolutely wild and dances all over the place

PLAYLIST:

Bambi - Hippocampus

Turn - the Wombats

Paris - Magic Man

Chronic Sunshine - Cosmo Pike

Death of a Bachelor - Panic! At the Disco

Silvertongue - Young the Giant

Brazil - Declan McKenna

Unbelievers - Vampire Weekend

Baseball - Hippocampus

Australia - The Shins

Prune, You Talk Funny - Gus Dapperton

Honeypie - JAWNY

Alien Boy - Oliver Tree

Satellite - Guster

So Young - Portugal. The Man

Blinding Lights - The Weeknd

Circles - Post Malone

Unbearably White - Vampire Weekend

Tiny Umbrella - Coast Modern

Way it Goes - Hippocampus

Electric Feel - MGMT

Jumin:

- this guy has 2 modes and that’s it: classical bitch or music that has words

- He appreciates the fine art of classical music and listens to it when he has work to get done or when he’s trying to relax.

- If he’s in a good mood he’ll put on a playlist that includes “music with actual lyrics!”

- It’s a dad playlist. Billy Joel, Billy Joel, Billy Joel, Elton John, The Beatles, Billy Joel.

- He likes Billy Joel. Jumin has a dad personality you can’t convince me otherwise lol

- He tried to branch out but can get very picky in his interests. “I don’t like this guitar riff— change it”

- Either way his 2 modes are apparent in his playlists

PLAYLIST:

Dreams - Fleetwood Mac

California Dreamin’ - The Mamas and the Papas

Don’t Ask Me Why - Billy Joel

Starman - David Bowie

Miss You - The Rolling Stones

Dancing in the Moonlight - King Harvest

Come and Get Your Love - Redbone

It’s Too Late - Carole King

Movin’ Out - Billy Joel

A Horse With No Name - America

I Want to Hold Your Hand - The Beatles

Honky Cat - Elton John

Vienna - Billy Joel

The Stranger - Billy Joel

Waltz in A Minor - Chopin

Hungarian Dance No. 5 in G Minor - Brahms

Waltz No. 7 in C Sharp Minor, Op. 64, No. 2 - Chopin

Souvenir de Paganini - Chopin

Solfeggietto in C Minor - Bach

Prelude in B Minor, Op. 32, No. 10 - Rachmaninoff

IV. Allegro Molto From Quartet - Yo-Yo Ma

La Fille Aux Cheveux de Lin - Debussy

Porz Goret - Yann Tiersen

Carnival of the Animals: VII. Aquarium - Camille Saint-Saëns

Carnival of the Animals: XIII. The Swan - Camille Saint-Saëns

Jaehee:

- We all know her obsession with Musicals (specifically zens)

- Other than this she listens to...well honestly I don’t know

- Her music doubles as something she can get hyped up with and something she can listen to to relax.

- She loves to dance, so a lot of her songs and just songs that she’ll never be able to refuse to move her feet to!

- She likes the old classics and then she likes Doja Cat. Lizzo? Queen.

- She’s a barb let’s be real please. you can never convince me that she’s not

PLAYLIST:

Adore You - Harry Styles

She - Harry Styles

Call Me - Blondie

Starships - Nicki Minaj

Hey Mickey - Toni Basil

Juice - Lizzo

Say So - Doja Cat

Voulez-Vous - ABBA

Waterloo - ABBA

Cuz I Love You - Lizzo

Killing Me Softly With His Song - Roberta Flack (LOL the memories associated with this song after Killing Stalking..... hahahaha BUT ITS STILL A GREAT SONG!)

Only - Nicki Minaj

Boss Bitch - Doja Cat

Go Your Own Way - Fleetwood Mac

Beez in the Trap - Nicki Minaj

Woman - Harry Styles

9 to 5 - Dolly Parton

Blame it on the Boogie - Michael Jackson

One Way or Another - Blondie

Tia Tamera - Doja Cat

Truth Hurts - Lizzo

V:

- indie boy indie boy indie boy indie boy

- Cmon just look at him he’s an indie boy

- If you’ve ever met a film student that gatekeeps music, they have the same exact taste but V won’t say shit to make you feel stupid. It’s just music bruv

- If you’ve ever been to an indie concert you know the fuckin dance you know what I’m talking about. he does that.

- Rolls a joint, pops the music off and he paints, does photography, whatever. Either way he straight vibes every single time the tunes come on.

- Low key thinks he has the best music taste. that’s just how dem indie kids roll let’s be real here.

- For some reason knows everything about every type of music. will spew facts about artists and songs at random

PLAYLIST:

Shuggie - Foxygen

Necessary Evil - Unknown Mortal Orchestra

Homage - Mild High Club

Another One - Mac DeMarco

Plants - Crumb

What Once Was - Her’s

Heart and My Car - Summer Salt

Cottage Roads - The Walters

Moonlight on the River - Mac DeMarco

Work This Time - King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard

Like Yesterday - Paul Cherry

Call it Fate, Call it Karma - The Strokes

Knowhere - Nick DeLaurentis

Escargot Blues - Guantánamo Bay Surf Club

A Side / B Side - Tipling Rock

Dark Red - Steve Lacy

That I Miss You - Vansire

Top Tier Love - Lonely Benson

Driving to Hawaii - Summer Salt

Taking Up Space - Mustard Service

She’s the Only One - King Guru

Saeran:

- emo boy emo boy emo boy

- We all know it

- As much as I’d love to say he listens to heavy death metal, there’s a part of my mind saying NO he’s not like that.

- Well he is, but he’s got more than a few single interest

- Probably listens to Nirvana, Cage the Elephant, anything similar

- Is always trying to listen to new music

- Kind of sick of Seven blasting his music all the time and listens to the opposite of hip hop whenever possible

- Honestly enjoys all types of music, but sticks to his favorites

PLAYLIST:

- All Apologies - Nirvana

- Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene - Hozier

- Soma - The Strokes

- Black Madonna - Cage the Elephant

- Hysteria - Muse

- Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High - Arctic Monkeys

- I Got Mine - The Black Keys

- Supermassive Black Hole - Muse

- Under the Bridge - Red Hot Chili Peppers

- Back Against the Wall - Cage the Elephant

- Creep - Radiohead

- Heart Shaped Box - Nirvana

- Demon Days - Gorillaz

- Bulls on Parade - Rage Against The Machine

- Matador - The Buttertones

- Holiday - Green Day

- RIP - The Licks

- London Calling - The Clash

- Loser - Beck

- What I Got - Sublime

[evermorehaikyuu]

▬◊☆Memories

A/N: Seeing as someone requested part two of Konoha’s angst, which is right here, I have decided to do it and also, late birthday fic because why not? Let’s get started.

~

Y/N usually went by every Saturday to check up on Konoha. And on that one fateful day where she was told that he had woken up, she hadn’t expected for him to lose all of his memories. He only recalled his own name and the look that he had given her, that look. It wasn’t pitiful, it was merely curious as to why she was there and holding his hand. 

It made her mad.

Not at him, of course. None of it was his fault. It wasn’t his fault that he was stuck in a coma for three years, it wasn’t that he should’ve been careful. Y/N was the one that let him go out of rage and he ended up getting hit by a truck. Luckily he survived.

But now I can’t ever apologize, Y/N thought as she stuck her hands in her pockets, head hung as she walked along the sidewalk. She could apologize, but it’d be like begging forgiveness from a doorknob. He didn’t even know what was going on and that burden would be awful on him. 

It had been a month since he woke up and she hadn’t gone back. She couldn’t bear to face him again, not with those eyes. They used to be full of love and adoration for her, even when she was blinded with fury. And somehow she had the brilliant idea of letting him go. No joy came out of that, only sadness. That should’ve proved something.

Grabbing a coffee and a muffin from a random cafe that she had never been to, she decided to be brave and go back. The walk there was shorter than she had expected and the receptionist looked up at her and allowed her to walk to Konoha’s room. She knew that Konoha would be too weak to do anything, he had resorted to a newborn child. Maybe that was another reason why she had avoided him.

Knocking on the door, she saw his doctor talking quietly to him and Konoha nodding slowly. The doctor looked up at Y/N and said, “Ah, perfect timing, come on in. I have wonderful news.”

“Did he get his memories back?” Y/N said, hope clear in her voice.

The doctor shook his head. “No, but he’s out of his minimally conscious state, which is a massive improvement. When you saw him, he was conscious but seconds after you left, he had fallen asleep again. He’s been doing exercises and he appears to be fine, he’s getting his strength back. He hasn’t resorted to a mere child. However, there isn’t much we can do about his memories.”

Y/N walked over and sat down next to him, shamelessly staring at his eyes, the blanket covering him and the IV next to him. 

“Hey, you’re that girl right?” Konoha asked sweetly. “Why did you run off?”

Y/N swallowed and looked at the doctor for help. He replied, “I think it would be better if you talked to him. It could help him regain some memories back. Not all of them. Just enough to make him...understand.” With those words, he left, closing the door behind him.

Looking back at Konoha, she took a deep breath and started talking. “I don’t know how to say this subtly, but it’s my fault you’re in this position.”

“Oh?” Konoha tilted his head, his expression looking like that of a curious puppy. “And you’re not going to tell me your name?”

Her heart couldn’t help but race, that personality of his hadn’t changed. It felt like a different version of their first meeting and somehow Konoha still acted just as coquettish as he had when they started talking. She rolled her eyes playfully and said, “Y/N L/N.”

“Y/N….hmm, it’s a pretty name. It suits you.” He grinned at her and she sighed.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re in a coma, you’ll still have this personality.” Y/N lifted her hand as if to stroke his hair back yet hesitated. He was awake and she was a total stranger to him. It was better when he was asleep, he wouldn’t be able to tell if it was her. 

“You can do it. I don’t mind.” Konoha looked down at her hand and smiled a bit. “You used to do it all the time, didn’t you?”

“Didn’t think you’d remember that.” With his permission, she started brushing his hair back, running her fingers through the strands with a gentle smile on her face. He started blinking, his eyelids drooping until she said sternly, “Don’t fall asleep yet.”

“Why not?”

“Because...because I don’t know if you’ll wake up.” Y/N said, wincing at the words. She sounded pathetic to herself, as if hoping that Konoha would have enough energy to stay awake. He had just gotten out of a three year state of unconsciousness, maybe sleep would be a blessing to him. 

“I’ll wake up. I always do.” Konoha reassured her, shutting his eyes at the renewal of her stroking his hair. It brought comfort to him, this stranger that knew him but he didn’t know. The look in her eyes was enough to break him. Racked with guilt, desperation, maybe hope as well. He wished he knew her. Perhaps when he woke up she’d still be there. 

The feeling was strange. He had only known her for less than a day and already his stomach twisted from the sight of her. It wasn’t anything malicious, but something about her drew her to him. If only he had his memories back.

Y/N had fallen asleep right after Konoha, her head in his lap. It was an uncomfortable position, but somehow bringing solace to her. Staying by his side was all she needed, if he allowed her to be there. And luckily, he hadn’t shoved her away nor had he called the doctor to call security. The look in his eyes was the same one she had seen when they first met. All those years making platonic memories together before they realized they felt something more for the other.

~

“And that’s my foolproof plan of how to ask the girl out!” Konoha said proudly, crossing his arms and grinning at Y/N, who was currently sitting in a bean bag with chips in her hands.

Monotonously, she replied, “And somehow you haven’t covered the part where she will reject you.”

“Would it kill you to be on my side and not say anything snarky for one day?!” That was their normal routine, they always made fun of one another and they loved it. The girl Konoha was talking about was right in front of him and he was trying to see if she’d give anything up, any clue that this would work. Would she reject him? Nah. But would she?

“Yeah, it would, sunshine, now your brilliant plan sucks. You’re not getting her flowers and you’re not going to climb into her window to leave stuff there, that’s stalkerish, creepy and she’d see you as...what’s the word...you know the girl that was obsessed with--”

“Are you calling me a yandere?”

“Yep.” She grinned as she popped another chip in her mouth and offered some to him. He groaned and put his forehead on her shoulder. “What if she does say no?”

“Well, she’d be an idiot but that would mean you have more time to not worry about anything. So calm down, she’ll love you.”

~

What Y/N hadn’t known on that day was that it was her, she was the one he was crushing on . The feeling had been mutual and he had been the happiest he had ever been. Of course, up to this point. 

When Konoha woke up again, he could feel his little hunger coming back to him. He was only allowed a bit of food so as to not upset his stomach. But looking down carefully, he saw Y/N sleeping on his lap and the sight made him smile for the first time since he woke up. Carefully, he put his hand on her hair, running his hand through the tresses.

The movement made Y/N stir awake and look at him with the same look she had given him when he had woken up for the first time. Shamelessly, she asked, “Do you remember anything?”

“It’s not like we’re in a fairy tale, my dear Y/N.” Konoha didn’t even know how easy it was to talk to her, if only he did get the memories back.

Clicking on a button to ask for food, he looked at her. “I would share, but I’m hungry.”

Making her laugh, she placed her hand on his shoulder and nodded. “I’ll see you next week.”

“What about tomorrow?” He asked, obvious hope in his eyes. Had he imprinted on her that easily? Maybe his memories could be coming back slowly with every minute that she was there. She nodded, already planning to cancel anything that she would have the next day. His doctor was walking down the hallway and she asked, “Is it possible that--”

“Yes. It is entirely possible that happy triggers may assert his brain into a state where he recalls several bits of his past before the accident. Take you, for example. He may not remember you but a part of his brain does, thus simultaneously inserting back serotonin and pieces of what he does envision.”

With that answer, she decided that she’d go back as many times as she could.

~

A year of this had gone by. Within three months of his awakening, Konoha had been allowed to go home and Y/N took him into her house as she was his first contact in case of an emergency. He had been watched carefully and to be honest, Y/N had never felt more relieved.

Nine months later, he was able to walk around at a normal pace and actually was able to do a lot of things he couldn’t do six months previously. Y/N was always there for him, chiding herself if she ever thought of leaving him behind. 

“You don’t need to be with me all the time, you know?” Konoha said, kissing the top of her head. “I’m okay. I can walk normally now and you know, even if I don’t remember everything about us, I do remember how we went out.”

“Because I told you and you decided to forget that too!” Y/N replied.

He started laughing and shook his head. “No, I call it a selection of memories.”

Maybe it was a selection but as she put her head on his chest and his arms wrapped around her waist to pull her closer, she didn’t care. He chose her again. Even through everything he had gone through, he chose her again. Closing her eyes with a soft smile, she started drifting back to sleep as he stroked her hair, humming their song.

“I love you, “ he mumbled. “I always will.”

“I love you too.”

The promise of loving Y/N that he had made to himself had never once been broken for the rest of their lives.

[katieelizabeth]

What would you call your body type? Definitely curvy

Are you a morning person? Yes and no. I’m taking sleep meds for nausea so right now waking up is kinda hard. 

Have you ever been to Target? Loveeeeee Target

Do you like iced tea? Iced tea is always my jam

When is the next time you’ll be at work? Hmm it’s kinda up in the air right now. I’m itching to get back tho.

Do you have a savings account? Yes. one for myself, one with my boyfriend

Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? Only once.

What color bedsheets are currently on your bed? Currently grey

Have you ever been to Disney World? If so, how many times have you been? Yes, I wanna say total like 6 times.

Does grammar and capitalization mean anything to you? It absolutely does.

Are you good at wrapping gifts for others? My boyfriend thinks I'm a terrible wrapper hahah

Do you have a dirty clothes hamper in your room? Yes.

What would you say is your favorite television show? If I had to narrow it down, probably Skins. 

Do you enjoy big holiday dinners? Yes and no. I don’t care for holiday dinners with my family but I love holiday dinners with my boyfriends family. 

Is there any piece of jewelry you’re constantly wearing? I’m not married or engaged but I do wear a small silver band on my ring finger.

What is one thing you desire as of now? To be able to just go and sit down in a restaurant. This virus has everyone living in fear and I'm tired of it and want to live normally and enjoy my pregnancy

What kind of phone do you have? An iPhone XR.

If you could move anywhere, where would you choose? Canada or London

Do you blog a lot, if at all? No not really. I used to when Xanga was big.

Is your present hair color, natural? Nope.

What makes you the most angry when it comes to people? My boyfriend thinks that anytime my opinion is different than his, then I'm trying to argue with him. It’s so fucking frustrating. 

Describe your current outfit? Anaheim Ducks shirt and matching pj pants hahah

What was the last thing you ordered online? Some toothbrushes lol

Have you ever felt as though you were drifting apart from a best friend? Ive had two best friends in my life completely shut me out before. It sucks.

What color are your eyes? Poop brown

Have you ever worn color contacts? I have but I could never wear them because of the astigmatisms in both my eyes. Lasik was the best decision of my life

What’s the best thing about a hug? Right now I miss everything about hugs

Biggest fear? Losing my loved ones, death, never getting better/getting worse, never doing anything with my life....

If you have a significant other, how long have you been together? Just celebrated three years

Do you know any genuinely friendly people? Yes.

Do you buy your friends gifts? I try to when I can 

What was the last thing you plugged in? My phone to the charger.

How old are you? 29

What color headphones do you own? They’re black.

Have you ever shopped on Urban Outfitters? No, just a reminder than I'm fat

Where do you buy the majority of your clothing? Amazon, Goodwill

Would you rather wear necklaces or earrings? Necklaces

Do you consider yourself fortunate? Very

Do you enjoy watching fights? Nooo.

Have you ever been in a physical fight? No way

Do you tend to talk badly about people? I try not to but everyone is guilty of that

Where are your parents as of now? Watching tv in the tv room

Does your computer cooperate most of the time? I literally just bought it so yes haha

Does your family have any cheesy traditions? Kind of

When did you last go to a book store? Gosh it’s been a while!

What’s the closest book store where you live? Barnes & Noble.  

How much money do you have on you right now? On hand, $20.

Favorite personal feature? my hair and my lips

Are you wearing make up at the moment? Nope.

Favorite television channel? Bravo, E!, ID, HBO

Describe any piercings or tattoos you might have? 6 tattoos no piercings

Have you ever been fired from a job? INope

Are you currently losing a best friend? No.

Describe the worst day of your life: I’m good.

Do you play any video games? Not at the moment

Would you say you hate anyone? I feel hatred towards racists, homophobics, ect.

Do you think freckles are cute? Very cute!

Last time you went to the mall? Gosh its been a really long time

Name something that’s your favorite color: anything teal

Have you been to Red Lobster before? Yesssss. I want seafood

Do you judge by appearances? Anyone who tells you they don't to some degree is a fucking liar.

Do you follow a certain religion? No thank you

Who is your role model, if you had to choose? Im not really sure

Would you rather have nice hair or lips? Hair.

What are you most self conscious about? Pretty much my whole body

Do you have any family members who live out of town? Yeah.

Do you consider yourself short? Nope, I'm average height for a girl

What room are you in? Mine.

Hoodies or jackets? Hoodies.

Are you outside a lot? No not really. The sun doesn’t like my skin haha

Have you ever been dumped via text message? Nope

Do you like dreamcatchers? Not really

What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? I don’t have one.

Do you hate repetitive people and things? Depends on the situation

Do you think autocorrect is a blessing or curse? BOTH

Do you believe in any particular curses? No.

Ever play a Ouija board? Nope, my mom wouldn't let me growing up

What movie scares you the most? The Exorcist. I can watch the movie now no problem but it FUCKED up my childhood.

What was your bedtime as a child? 9. I remember watching Happy Days from 8-9

Reason why your favorite holiday is your favorite: Who doesn't love Christmastime?

Do you work with any close friends? I work with my baby daddy

Do you consider yourself spoiled? I would say in some way I'm probably spoiled

Do you listen to any country music? yes

Favorite high school teacher: I don’t specifically remember any high school teachers I liked. Probably my French teacher. He was super cool!

Do you ever get drunk? Of course. Can’t drink yet tho until after baby

Have you ever had highlights before? Nope

Favorite number: 7,10

Do you still sleep with any stuffed animals? Not anymore. I used to for a a long time 

 What is your biggest regret in life? Eh I've got a few

Would you say you think you have a mental disorder of some kind? Depression/anxiety. Ive taken meds for it 

Are you normally an independent person? I like to think myself as independent but my boyfriend sure takes care of me. I dunno what id do without him

Do you have any paintings? a few

What is one clothing fad you wish never existed? anything from the early 2000s haha

Do you like to be organized? Do I like it? Yes. Am I organized? NO

Have you ever failed a class before? oh yes

Ever been judged because of your weight? All the time. Not so much as an adult tho

What is your favorite breakfast cereal? The sugary bad ones, ha.

Ever had a wish come true? Nope

Do you regret meeting any of your exes? No way

Do you own any coloring books? Yes haha those adult ones

What’s the meanest thing someone’s called you? I can’t think of anything specific. Probably fat

Have you ever bullied someone? I likely have, unfortunately :(

Do you ever watch Lifetime? Only for the reality shows

Ever tried to intentionally sabotage someone’s grade? God no

Do you own any brown clothing? Hmmm I don’t think so

What color are your walls painted? White.

Last thing you drank: I’m drinking decaf coffee 

Have you ever seen a tornado in person? Noooo.

Do you have an inground pool at your house? Nope

What is the first digit of your phone number?  9

What’s the prettiest town you’ve been to? Anywhere in England

Do you tend to sleep a lot? yes and no. I’m taking sleeping meds but it’s hard for me to fall asleep

Silver or gold jewelry? Silver

Do you sometimes celebrate holidays early? Not usually. My boyfriends family Is out of state tho

Have you ever been in love? Yes.

What’s the best gift you’ve ever received? My unborn child

When was the last time you showered? Last night

Would you consider yourself attractive? Sometimes yes

Has anyone made you mad today? Nope

Favorite smell: Vanilla

Are you afraid of insects? I wouldn't say afraid

Do you have any children? I’ve got one cookin in the oven haha

If so, what are their names? I’ll tell you when I know the gender

Would ever consider having children in the future? MORE children? Lets see how traumatized this first one is haha

Have you ever lived on a farm? No.

Ever played any sports? Oh yes, played soccer till I was 18 

Do both of your parents have jobs? They're both retired from jobs they were at for 40+ years

Where is the best place you’ve been on vacation to? Its a tie between South Africa, London and Colorado

Are you afraid people won’t accept you? Not anymore. Being an adult means getting over that haha

Are you, for the most part, an honest person? I try to be

Did you make prank phone calls as a child? oh yes!

Do you like to make donations? Yeah.

What is your current ringtone? Just the standard apple ringtone

Meet anyone from your past lately? No.

Have you ever called a teen suicide line? No.

Have you ever caught something on fire? Not that I can think of

Ever been obsessed with a show? Ive been obsessed with many shows

What type of perfume or cologne do you use? English Laundry Signature

What’s the last book you read? The book that Ted Bundys girlfriend wrote

Dream career: Zooologist

Have you ever climbed a mountain before? Yes, in Colorado

At what age do you plan to get married? Not sure, we aren't in a rush to marry

Ever been in a car accident? Yes, three

[bald-tales]

Fantasies made very Real - part two

Part two - one of two scenarios  Part 2 - Scenario One: Ending his phone call Rick wondered if he had done the right thing. He was trying to stay on the right side of the law these days and somehow he knew what he was about to do was going to go wrong. Alex was getting weird these days, was it fair to take this beautiful guy and subject him to who knows what. But his mutual fascination in Alex's hobbies made his doubt quickly subside.  My online friend, Alex, who I was led to believe was from Bristol in England and miles away from my home in Brisbane was actually living a lot closer, in fact he lived in the northern suburbs of Brisbane on a large, sprawling property, and of course he and Clipperdad were one and the same. My online mpb friend who I thought was interstate, hundreds of miles away was less than 40 minutes from my city apartment. Meeting him originally on a site publishing erotic, gay transformations stories, I felt safe and anonymous, never to cross paths so letting him share my dark fantasies seemed safe. Despite my various erotic interests I was still rather closeted. My name was never used but of course he knew me as smoothboy94 from Australia and low and behold on mpb guyz, a male pattern bald by choice site, which Alex was only known as Clipperdad, up pops my user name smoothboy94 from Brisbane. He had first seen my profile some months before but had never known I lived in Brisbane until he first saw my profile on 'forcedtransformations fiction' and started to devise a plan to befriend me as an Englishman. He felt it may be fun to find out more about me, a young twenty three year old known as smooth boy 94. Finding out about my baldness desires he told me about mpbguyz, a site dedicated to promoting bald by choice. He wasn't sure how he was going to meet me, not until he went to Ricks to have his fringe tidied up and before long a plan was hatched. Rick was an old friend, and when younger they both had dated each other before getting into some minor trouble with the police. Later, Rick straightened out and became a barber while Alex went back to university to become a pharmacist, but they always remained close friends. As luck would have it Alex's father left him a sizable inheritance and Alex happily retired before becoming a chemist at the ripe old age of 28. He bought a big house on a couple of acres in the Pine Rivers Shire and dabbled in his purpose built laboratory with different potions. He too had more than a strong interest in transforming guys. It had become an obsession, so much so that he and Rick had teamed up a few months ago to realize both their dream; to recreate some younger men against their wills; slaves if you will and I, Benjamin would be their first customer. Of course it was a gamble filled with danger and illegalities, but they were both strong characters who spent a lot of time and money to hide their activities. I had told Alex way too many of my fantasies and desires online, so Alex devised a plan to make me think he was far, far away and hoped that one day he would be able to help fulfill some of those desires. That day had come, and as I relaxed in Ricks' barber chair and sipped on my beer I wasn't aware how radically my life would be changed. "So Benny, you enjoying the beer?" Rick asked as he drew the clippers over my scalp. I could feel the hot, vibrating teeth dig into my thick hair but I couldn't say stop, I was just too turned on. As a looked in the mirror I could see the burly, barber was balding me. It was what I secretly wanted and the beer was helping me accept this fate, but what would I tell people? As if reading my mind, Rick added, "you look so much better, everyone will love your new look." The clippers continued their desecration of my dark hair, more and more white scalp revealing itself. As I stared on in amazement I noticed how much more my new beard growth had grown. I had to admit, I was looking so different and my cock was telling me it was grooving to all this. "Wait until we get you finished up, you'll be like a new man." Rick had a devilish look on his face and I wondered what he meant but I was too excited to focus for too long. When the shop fell silent, I suddenly stopped my daydream. I had a short buzzed scalp but I still wasn't bald. Did the disappointment show on my face? "That's much better isn't it. Much cooler for a start." The barber said as he brushed the loose hair from my neck. "Hmm, seems your hairline is looking very patchy. I didnt notice that before." And without waiting for a reply from me he took a tube of gel and after applying the green thick substance at the hairline used a straight edge razor and carefully stripped the tiny stubble from my hairline.  Embarrassed at my attempts to tweezer my hairline back I was surprised by all this. "Yes, many of us succumb to early receding hairlines, but don't worry, yours is still in its early stages." I noticed Rick look up at me in the mirror as he continued to work methodically to edge my hairline further back. As I watched my cock was growing. I could feel the scraping of the blade as he seemed to work for ages at the top before going to the side. "Of course some of us like to take nature into their own hands and hurry things along." I looked at his face in the mirror. His smile gave away exactly what I thought; he knew I was trying to recede my own hair. Of course this only made me more excited. Shit! I said to myself when he removed a towel from my head after finishing up I could see his work at the front and my hairline appeared to start almost 1 inch back from where it should.  When he finished up, I did indeed look different, older. I kind of liked it and vowed I'd be back to Ricks maybe for a headshave in the future if I could just get my nerves up.  After leaving the barbershop I failed to notice a grey, late model commodore follow me down the street to where I had parked my car.  I lived in a rented apartment in West End on the south side of the river which is all I could afford as a bank clerk. I don't think I'd been home long when there was a knock at the door. Walking away from my mirror where I had been studying my newly balded forehead I opened the door and I was surprised by a delivery man carrying a large trolley and what appeared to be a big crate on it. "Good Afternoon Sir." "Ah! Good Afternoon...." I didn't finish as the man sprayed something into my face. I was aware of falling but couldn't stop myself. The man caught me before I hit the ground and pulled me inside away from any prying eyes. I just heard the man say, " this is the first of your desires, to be kidnapped."  I could only watch as the man with the dark eyes and big mustache opened the large crate and started to bundle me inside. The delivery man proceeded to wheel me to a small van parked out front. Of course he was none other than Alex or Clipperdad. Alex decided to grab me as soon as he'd followed me home from the barbershop, an ideal time seeing I was on four weeks holidays. After taking Ricks phone call he decided to rush to Ricks shop where he would simply follow Benjamin home.  He was eager to start on his new slave and drove back to his secluded mansion. LATER My head really hurt as I started to wake. I was very disorientated, my mouth dry and I wasn't sure where I was only that my eyes were covered and there was a loud, buzzing sound filling my ears. "Ah! Benjamin you are finally awake. Good." A soft unfamiliar voice said. "You are going to be very excited by what Ive accomplished so far."  All of a sudden a sharp pulling on his head started. "See this is working so much better."  "This is exactly what you wanted. It was up to me to show you wasn't it." The deep voice purred in his left ear. "You see your way was too slow, and you know what they say, no pain no gain or in this case, no hair." He changed direction causing a cry from me. "Okay Benny, seeing you are being such a baby about it I'll give you another shot of my poppers." Something was in my nose. I hadn't noticed it before but I could smell something emitting from tubes in his nose. Suddenly I felt on a sexual high, my heart beating what seemed a million times a minute. I felt my cock being stretched and fondled.  "My special blend works fast doesn't it son, soon you'll be demanding everything I want to do to you." Fuck, I couldn't think straight as I felt this man ripping out my hair "Yes Benny, you will soon look as manly as the rest of us." The deep voice said softly once again in his ear. "It is what you want? You want me to take all your hair out?" "Ahhh...... you....you can't...." I tried to say. "But this is what you fantasized about to me. To be kidnapped and made male pattern bald isn't it smoothguy 94." Through my euphoria I could barely think. No, it couldn't be? "You can call me Master Alex. I'm also known as Clipperdad." What the hell had he got himself into. "So do you want me to go on with making your crown as smooth as a babies bottom?" he then released more of the powerful poppers which had me writhing a little in the chair. "Do you Benny? I can always stop." "No.....no......please....make me smooth." I almost yelled. "Oh, I intend to Benny." Alex started up the machine as he explained what he was doing.

[sonnshineandrainbows]

“Fuck…I feel I’ve been hit by a car.” 

My first prompt ask! I am very excited for this one!

Characters: Sonny/Reader/Fin/Amanda/Olivia/Perp

Word count: 1913

Warnings: Guns/Kidnapping/shooting-that should be all the warnings, i apologize if i left any out.

Enjoy!!

The air was cold. You huffed your breath and watched the air cloud form. You were nervous. This was your first hostage negotiation since you started with SVU a year ago. The kidnapper would only talk to you. Inside. No gun, no vest. You closed your eyes trying to calm your nerves.

 He took an interest in you watching the news, seeing your face in cases that were broadcasted. He began an obsession with you, that you didn’t know about until this case began.

 “Nah, no way! She’s not going in alone! Not without her gun and vest. Not without me!” Carisi was yelling at anyone who would listen.

“Hey, Sonnshine, shhhhh” you cooed, grabbing his arms, trying to calm him.

 “I know you y/n, you want to do this to save those girls, but not alone. We’re in this together. I got your six” he whispered so that only you could hear the words.

 “You’re right, I’m going in. I want you walking me in there.” You whispered back, tears threatening to fall. You were scared. He was dangerous. But it was your job to keep those kids safe. He had already taken two others. He wasn’t getting these. Sonny dropped his head and nodded.

 He didn’t want you to, he was scared. Not only for you but because he was scared of losing you. He never admitted it to you but he had fallen in love with you over the last months. You had been partners for a year, but in between the late night stings, the early morning breakfasts and days off goofing around watching Netflix and baking contests, he couldn’t see his life without you. Why hadn’t he told you sooner. Maybe then you might have thought twice about what should be done in the situation but he knew you too well, you’d always choose this route if it was asked of you.

 And the same as Sonny, you had fallen head over heels but never spoke up cause you were scared to ruin your friendship.

 “Ok let’s get this this over with, but I’m still gonna have my gun we go in” he sighed.

 He interrupted your train of thought as you looked it his pleading eyes.

 You nodded and got up as You walked up to the door together, looking back seeing your squad looking back at you, everybody was nervous.

 Sonny walked in first. After his brush with death he made sure to double check everything. Walking up the stairs with you trailing behind, you made it up to the room he said he was in. He opened the door walking in. You hear a gun click.

 “I thought I told  you come alone!” The man growled.

 You put your hands up in an attempt to show him you weren’t there to fight, just talk.

 “Hey now, you had to know they wouldn’t send me in alone.” You walked out from behind Sonny.

 “Hmmm you’re prettier in person detective.” He smiled. It was sinister and you could see the evil in his eyes.

 Sonny’s lip curled and his nose turned up in disgust. He wanted to lunge at him, take him down for the way he was staring at you.

 “You know y/n. You don’t mind i call you by your first name do you? Or do you prefer Doll? Hmm?  That seems make your cheeks flush.” He smirked. “ I have been watching you, trying to get your attention. But you always had someone near you. Your partner here for instance, never lets you out of his sight. I couldn’t get you to myself so i had to get you to come to me.”

 He pulled the gun, and aimed it at you. “You lover boy, kick the gun to me.” He said.

 Sonny was hesitant.

 “NOW!” The cocked the gun,still aiming it at you.

 Sonny dropped it as he kicked it over, it didn’t slide far. Sonny shrugged his shoulders.

 “Alright buddy, she’s here, were unarmed, just let the girls go and nothing bad has to happen here now.”

 “I’ll let the girls go, they were just the bait to get me her!” He snap, aiming the gun at Sonny now.

 “You two, run out! Now!” Sonny yelled at the girls as they ran out crying.

 “Sonny get them to the squad.” you say to him.

 He turned calling for an officer to open the door and be ready to get them as they ran down.

 “No i’m not leaving you.”

 “And there he is, your knight in shining armor, tell me? Carisi, is it? How long have you been in love with her? Hmm?”

 You try to get in between the gun and Sonny.

 “Hey, look at me! He’s not who you want, I’ll go with you, you can use me a shield, they won’t shoot you with me.” Your heart was beating fast in your chest, it felt as if it was going to pop out of it.

 The gun was on you now.

 “Oh, so you’d be willing to sacrifice yourself for him? He whistles, “now this is going to be fun.” As he points the gun in between you and Sonny he says, one word at a time between the two of you “Eeny. Meeny. Miney. Moe .” The last word landed on you.

 The last you see is him smirking and darkness in his eyes.

 BANG

 You didn’t see Sonny jump out in front of you and push you down. His body stopped the bullet from hitting you. You sit up and  gasped as you see him hit the ground.

 The perp, he’s laughing “He actually did it, he took the bullet for you.” he did a twirl still laughing. He looks at you as you scramble to grab Sonny’s gun and without hesitation you shot the man, the bullet hit him in the chest and he went down.

 Your heart is racing you take off your gloves to help try and stop the bleeding. You can hear the door burst open as cops and your squad are rushing in.

 You can hear Olivia yelling “Get the medics in here now! We have an officer down! “

 You’re holding Sonny “hey sunshine, just keep your eyes on me ok, just keep your eyes on me.” You could feel the tears running down your face, your breath was shaky and you were trying to be strong for him.

 He reached a hand up to crease your face “hey doll, I’ll be ok, don’t cry ok, everything will be …”

 He didn’t finish his sentence as he lost consciousness.

 The medics came in got him on a gurney and  out into the ambulance as they raced him to the hospital. You ride with him the truck, reciting silent prayers that he was gonna be ok. They were running into the building and the doctor stopped you at the door to surgery, and you dropping to your knees, another prayer escaped your lips. He was too good for this world and you needed him to be ok. Or else the world would be that much darker without him.

 You were now in the waiting area as everyone had gotten there. You were shaking and crying. Fin and Amanda came up to you and hugged you. Olivia asked how he was.

 “Ummm they said it was a through and through, so that was good, nothing to go in and look for but he did lose a lot of blood. He’s in surgery and , and I..” you lost control again and broke down.

 “He’s a fighter y/n. He’s stubborn as hell. He’s gonna fight.” Fin tried to reassure you.

 The doctor came up to you. “It’s was touch and go for a little while there. He lost a lot of blood and his body went into shock. We patched him up and he’s stabilized now. He’s in recovery and should be waking up soon.”

 You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding in. “Thank you, thank you” you whispered. “Can I see him?”

 “I can let one in right now, we don’t want to overwhelm him.” The doctor said.

 “Let her go, that’s her partner, we’ll wait til we can go in” Fin said to the doctor as he patted your shoulder. “ we’ll be right here y/n.”

 The doctor nodded, motioning for you to follow him. He lead you to the recovery room, you look around, he had IVs, and you could only hear the beeping sound of the monitors and you just stared at him lying there. He looked peaceful. You sat in the chair beside him, holding his hand. You started to cry again. This time in relief that he was still here with you. You whisper to him.

 “What were you thinking Sonny?! How could you just jump in front of that bullet.” You kissed his cheek.

 He stirred in the bed, opening his eyes slowly. “Hey doll” he smiled, eyes squinting as he opened them due to the lights, they were so bright for him. He tried to sit up, he held  his hand to his temple and the other to his shoulder.

 “Fuck, i feel I’ve been hit by a car.” As he laid back down.

 “Try a bullet.” a nervous laugh escaping you. You sighed thankful he was awake.  

 “What were you thinking! You didn’t have a vest on! I was so scared. I thought I lost you!” Your voice was shaky.

 “Hey, please don’t cry doll.” He whispered, he couldn’t talk well with having had just coming out of anesthesia, his mouth was dry.

“I can’t lose you Sonny. You’re too important to me” you whisper to him.

 “Is it cause you love me?” He asked, eyebrows furrowed.

 You bit your lip as you stared down at your hands, it was now or never.

 “Is it true what he said Sonny?” You asked.

 “Of course it is. I’ve been in love with you, I don’t how or when but I am and yes I jumped in front of the bullet cause you are too important to me also. So now that it’s out there, you going to leave a wounded man hanging here.” He tried to laugh.

 You got up and kissed him, gently but passionately. His hands came up to cup your face and your hands wrapped around each of his wrists.

 You pull away and look into his eyes.

 “Does that answer your question?”

 He smiled, even hurt his smile was so bright.

 You heard a creak behind you.

 “I told y'all they were in love. Pay up everybody.” Fin said as the squad all swatted at him.

 You look back and blush at them.

 "Make sure to let him heal first y/n” Fin laughs and the squad does also. “We’ll give you a few more minutes”

You sit next to Sonny on the bed as you let him lay his head on your chest.

“I guess everybody knew but us huh, y/n?” he said to you.

You hummed. “Don’t you ever do anything crazy like that again Carisi” you say as you run your hand through his hair.

“Especially when it comes to you doll, I make no promises.”

You sighed at his stubbornness but at this moment you were just happy to still have him here with you.

[crimvaiocipher8]

Day 3 &4: Species and Mental State

It was only a matter of time before I was fashonably late for this: Writing Day 3 on Day 4? Really, Crim?? Well, only one thing to do: Write 3 and 4 in one post and pray despite the length it’s interesting. 

Day 3 on my  30 day Challenge:

Talk about your OC’s species and demonym. A demonyn is the name for an inhabitant of a specific place, in this case their planet of birth, such as Tarisian (from Taris) or Mantellian (from Ord Mantell). How do they define their demonym? Do they have one? What influence does it have on their identity?

For Species: Do they have a sense of connection with others of their species? Were they raised with their own species or in a more diverse community? Do they follow any traditions or customs that are species-specific?

For Demonym: Do they feel a sense of connection to their planet of birth? Does the planet’s history and society effect them? Do they follow any traditions or holidays from their home planet?

My species and demonymn. Alrighty then.

My Species:

There is no nice way of saying this: I, a Sith Pureblood, am a mut between species. Yes, there is an oxymoron! A pureblood is a mut. Yet this is a true oxymoron, for a Sith Pureblood isn’t really a true Sith but a mix of Sith and human.

A long time ago, the Sith were a red skinned species native to Korriban. They had their own language, which is still spoken today, their own culture, and their own way of life. Then the fallen, dark Jedi came and subjugated the species. Thanks to Sith alchemy, the two interbred and Sith purebloods came out as a result.

In the Sith Empire, purebloods or tsis in my people’s language, are ones who have the obvious red markings and face tendrils of the Sith species. In many ways, we’re remnants of an ancient past with eyes straining towards the future. 

Now, do I have a sense of connection with any of them? 

This has evolved over the years. When i was a lad, I wanted nothing to do with the Sith part of me. Why would I want anything to do with a people who were abusive; never mind the Force, who seemed to condone the abusive behaviour? In truth, I think that’s why I let intelligence “turn me human” for all intents and purposes.

Yet, here I am writing this as a Force user, and quite content with. Proof the Force works in mysterious ways. I decided to train in the Force after Zakull came. I had to choose between being stubborn, or ensuring Kardeva had a family to come home to after getting out of carbonite. I chose the latter, and in that I feel connection to my people.

 I also feel that connection when I lived with my adopted family. They showed me there are many ways to be Sith. Many of them died when Zakuul, but my brother survived along with most of his fortress. Rebuilding it was hard, as was burying the dead, but we pulled through as a family. I think during that time I felt closest to my Sith ancestry than I ever had. Intense sorrow breeds intense unity and division at the same time. It’s a miracle.

Finally, I raised 3 children who are all tsis. Hard to not feel the connection when raising the next generation. They challenge my understanding of our people, challenge how I conduct myself, and force me to remember what it was like growing up tsis in a good way. And I think I challenge them to not solely stick with the status quo: Only Zeon, my daughter, is training to be a Sith. Ssra is following in my footsteps by spying on Sith Intelligence for the Alliance, and Nwit became a Mandalorian. Tied to a rich history, yet forging our own way ahead. I love my family.

I feel connection to my humanity when I’m with Kardeva and when I’m cooking. Kardeva is human, and I see my humanity reflecting back at me every time I look at him. It’s why I couldn’t rebuild my life, and move on, while he was locked in carbonite. To see such an important part of myself reflected back was too much to so easily walk away from, even if it meant I never get him back. So, Kardeva is my connection to my humanity.

The second one is my cooking. When I was doing infiltration, I found that people say many things while breaking bread. So, I found a way to get trained as a chef so I could eavesdrop while making and serving meals. Most of the dishes I learned to make are geared more toward a human palette, so there is the connection. Now that I’m a part of Alliance Intelligence I combine human and pureblood cooking together. Have to keep both pallets happy at my house.

My Demonym

I’m a Kaasian by birth: Born and raised in Kaas City. I lived there for the first 15 years of life, and off and on in between intelligence missions. It was where I first learned about life, who I am as a man, and where my place was in the Empire. I miss it when I’m away, and feel nostalgia when I return. It is my home.

I think everyone feels a sense of connection to their birthplace, regardless of if it’s a good or bad connection. While family wise, it was a bad connection, in terms of Kaas over all it’s a good connection: I know where all the hang out spots are, know how to get around the Sith Academy there, and I even know where the best place to get photos of the Citadel are!

Does the planet’s history and society affect people who live on Kaas? Short answer: Everything about its history affects everyone! No, that isn’t an exaggeration. Ever since Dromund Kaas was colonized, the focus has always been serving the Emperor and getting revenge on the Republic. 

At the Sith Academy, where all tsis go to learn their basic education and Sith training, I learned what the Republic did to our people at the end of the Great Hyperspace War. I then learned why we needed to train and prepare to go to war as soon as we were of age. Given the war was still going on when I was young, I knew I had little choice on where my destiny lied. My mother and father couldn’t be prouder to see their son  trained as a juggernaut and creating the next generation.

To that end, most of our holidays and celebrations revolved around the Emperor or defeating the Republic: Colonization Day, which used to be the Emperor’s birthday until Empress Acina took over; Kitok Kursas Diena (New Years Day); Katedij Pradzia (Korriban Rises Day), to celebrate the day the Empire took Korriban back from the Republic; birthdays of important Sith like Ajunta Pall, Naga Sadow, Marka Ragnos, and Darth Vitiate; and days where we remember our dead like Visa Virmsezi Arsiasiza (All Hallows Eve), and  Diena iv Liudesys, the Day of Sorrows.

I remember  Diena iv Liudesys the most, since it was one of the few days we had off from school. It was the day the Republic came to Korriban to destroy my people completely and utterly. It both remembers their fate, and strengthened our resolve to make the Jedi and Republic pay. The moment the Republic attacked, Dromund Kaas went silent for 5 min: Everyone simply froze with no sounds or movements. Even droids had to be quiet. If one was driving through the jungle, they had to stop and pray the jungle creatures didn’t notice them. 

I remember thinking about the Great Hyperspace War, and about how somewhere someone in the Republic is patting themselves on the back for being the good guys. The good guys build on the deaths of my people. It made me angry, and made me want to see them destroyed eventually. Now, though, Empress Acina changed the day into  Isatre Vunyi va «Eternal Resolve». Zakuul is the real enemy now, she said to the populace, and we need to focus on them over a battle that happened over 1000 years ago. Smart woman, the Empress, a worthy successor to Darth Marr.

Alright, that’s enough for Day 3. Now for Day 4:

Day 4: Mind Matters

Briefly describe your OC’s mental state. Are they neurotypical or neuroatypical? Do they have any mental illnesses or a history with mental illness? How do they handle stress? Are they Force-sensitive or Force-blind? Does this effect their mental state?

Briefly, hmm? I can understand briefly. One’s mental state can be an entire Master’s thesis if they’re not careful.  I would describe my mental state as...

No.

Caedusios? Why are you here writing?

Because one’s mental state is best assessed from the outside, not within. You would just say you’re mental state is neuro-typical and perfect.  I can give a more accurate assessment. 

And you’re late for your date with Kardeva.

You’re right, I am! Alright, you can write this. All I ask is don’t make me look insane. Wouldn’t want to scare off my new readers...

If you, the readers, haven’t determined he’s not entirely sane then I’m not sure whose blog you were reading. Anyways, I am Darth CAedusios. I am Crimsèn’s adopted older brother. Biologically we’re first cousins: his father and my father are brothers. Because we’re both only children, we grew up together on Kaas as brothers since our families had no where else to go but to one another’s house. 

I have seen Crimsèn grow from being a teenager trying to be who his parents pre-determined into a man relatively content with himself. I can’t say he has grown into a neurotypical man, anymore than I can say he was ever a purely cisgender person. No, his mental state has gone through many gymnastics.

I would say that Crimsèn has a condition called Asperger’s Syndrome, and some traits of borderline personality disorder. While he was a social butterfly, and still is in so many ways, he never intuitively understood social ques save mine and my mother and father’s.  Also, Crim is quite obsessive about specific things to the point where he almost refused to do anything but his interests.

This has lead to a double edged sword with the Force. Between ages 1 and 15, Crim was obsessed with becoming the Sith Lord his father wanted his only son to be. As a result, I remember him being so obsessed with learning the sabre combat of Marka Ragnos and Naga Sadow, that he couldn’t be bothered to eat. 

At age 15 (by the way, I am using Imperial Standard years), for reasons I’m assuming Crimsèn will explain tomorrow, he stripped himself of the Force. For the next 15 years, he obsessively resisted any hint of being a pureblood outside of looks. It drove him to serve the EMpire under intelligence, suppress most of his pureblood characteristics, and in some ways quietly accept being brainwashed under intelligence. They used the CAstellan Mind control in order to ensure he would never go back to our people nor ruin any missions because he acted on emotions over logic.

Now, his obsessions are mostly on taking care of his family. To that end, he was trained in using his returned Force abilities at last. He couldn’t fight Zakuul without all the tools, and abilities he had, just like I couldn’t fight Zakuul by sticking with the narrow ways of Jedi and the Sith.

Now, where does borderline personality disorder fit into this? Well, Crimsèn only has two traits of it really: Abandonment fears and emotional swings. The emotional swings are thanks to him being a Sith and his connection to the darkside as a result. Not saying it is good or evil to have such swings; it is what it is. 

I believe his abandonment fears are from being abused. Abuse teaches people many things, including the belief that if they under perform by a fraction of a percent, they will be abandoned. For Crim, that abandonment meant his own father would murder his only son the moment he learned he was gay (I know was going to save that for Crim to explain tomorrow during the Gender/Sexuality topic, but I felt it was needed in context here). Then it was join intelligence, or his first love would abandon him via Intelligence executing his first love.

Now with his marriage to Kardeva... I know that the distance broke him and left Crim vulnerable to many influences. I chose, as his master, to step back and let him either stand strong in the storm or fall to it because that was his trial. As a master and mentor, it’s important to know when a person needs to face a trial on their own or face it with some guidance. 

I can say that while Crim’s abandonment fears are still there, he has learned how to live with them now in a way that he controls them instead of the other way around. I’m proud of my brother for facing them. 

[heebiejbies]

Limerence - Chapter IV

Limerence Masterlist

Characters: Sehun and OC (Ursula)

Warnings: This series contains mentions of assault, sexual violence, and stalking.

Word Count: 3.2k

Note: To clarify something before this chapter starts, seeing as it may be confusing, when something is in italics it is that person’s inner thoughts. More specifically, something they are saying to themselves. In Sehun’s case, when something is in italics and enclosed in ‘ ’, that is the different sides of his mind talking. Think of it as his conscience arguing with the side of himself that is growing more obsessive as time goes on, if that makes any sense heh.

Limerence:  The state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings.

I woke up the next morning feeling more rested than I had in days. I ran my hand through my hair and pulled the covers off of me. Wait… Covers? That’s funny. I don’t remember covering up last night. I know I pulled my covers back, but I never actually covered up. I looked around my room to see if anything happened to be out of the ordinary. I noticed my closet door was now shut when I am almost 100% positive I left it cracked open last night. Maybe I am just misremembering things. I picked up my phone to look at the time, 8:02 am.

I went downstairs and turned the coffee maker on. I didn’t have to work, so my entire day was free. I didn’t have a whole lot planned, but I did plan on going shopping at the mall later on. I started working a lot more, so I decided I needed a day to spoil myself.

I made myself a cup of coffee and made my way outside and sat on the swing like every morning. I noticed Sehun and Delilah walking down the road, probably coming back from a walk around the block. I stood up on the porch and called out to him, “Well good morning to you early bird!”

He stopped and looked around, finally spotting me on my porch. His face lit up and he chuckled to himself, “It’s my morning ritual, Delilah and I have gone on morning walks every morning since I adopted her,” He said. I motioned for him to come up to the porch, “Come on, I miss Delilah,” I pouted. He cracked a smile and came to sit beside me.

“Good morning Delilah, we haven’t had quality time lately have we,” I said, petting her head. “She really likes you, you know,” He commented.

We sat there having small talk for a few minutes before he brought up my plans for the day, “So, what are your plans for your day off?”

“Actually I’m heading to the mall later today, I’m going to go spoil myself for once,” I laughed. I looked at him before getting an idea, “Hey, if you are off today would you like to come with me?”

He hesitated, “ I am off today, but I don’t want to intrude on your day off and your ‘me time’,” He said. “You won’t be intruding at all, I promise. I want you to come with me actually,” I admitted. “In that case, I would love to go with you.”

I told him to give me two hours to get woken up and get ready, and then we’d go out to eat breakfast. After I finished getting ready, I came downstairs to find that my mom had just gotten home. “Good morning! Where are you off to this morning?” She asked.

“Actually, Sehun and I are going to get breakfast, and then we are going to the mall,” I said, a grin spread across her face immediately after I said that. “Oh, another date so soon?”

“No, it’s not a date. Just two friends spending a day together.” She didn’t take long to respond,“So a date,” She shot back. I sighed in defeat, there was no way I would be able to win this argument with her. Trying to win any argument with her would be impossible.

“Hey, did you come home earlier and then leave again?” I asked. She shook her head at me, “No, why do you ask?” I told her about waking up and my covers being over me when I knew that I hadn’t covered up the night before. She told me I probably woke up at one point during the night and covered myself up, but I was still skeptical about it. I also mentioned my closet door being shut, but once again she seemed to find an excuse for that. “You probably closed it and can’t remember that you did.”

Sehun knocked on the door around 10:00, about thirty minutes early. My mom had gone to bed, so I let him in and motioned for him to be quiet. I grabbed my phone, purse, keys, and we headed out the door.

“So, where would you like to go eat breakfast?” I asked. “Oh, anywhere is fine with me,” He said. “Do you like pancakes?” He nodded his head, looking back out the passenger side window. There’s this really good pancake place that I used to eat at all of the time before I started enjoying my mornings at home a lot more. They serve some of the best pancakes ever, plus they have this blackberry syrup that is to die for.

We were seated at a booth in the corner of the restaurant. Sehun ordered chocolate chip pancakes, and for myself, I ordered red velvet pancakes. “Red velvet huh?” He laughed when the waitress brought our food. “Hey, they’re amazing okay. Don’t hate,” I pointing a fork at him. He held his hands up in response, “I apologize sincerely.”

I took Sehun’s fork and cut off a piece of pancake, “Open,” I demanded, holding it in front of his mouth. He laughed again, but played along and opened his mouth and took a bite. “You were right, that’s amazing,” His eyes showed a hint of amusement in them.

“You got a little uh,” I wiped at my mouth. He looked at me with confusion, so I reached out my hand and wiped the syrup off of the corner of his mouth with my thumb. Our eyes locked as I did so, an unknown feeling stirred up in my stomach. His brown eyes are absolutely gorgeous, why has it taken me so long to notice that they are this nice?

“You had some syrup on the corner of your mouth,” I finally said, retracting my hand. He stuck his tongue out and licked the part of his mouth where I had wiped, “Thanks.”

“So, you’re from South Korea?” I questioned.

“Yes, Suho and I both are.”

“Out of all the places in the country, why did you pick here?”

“I worked as a systems administrator in South Korea, a company near here called one day and offered me a job as their content manager. They offered nearly double my salary, it was something that I couldn’t pass up. Their headquarters is only about an hour drive from here, and I work from home most of the time so I didn’t need to be right in the city. Suho had an aunt that lived here when we were kids, I visited a few times and really enjoyed it. Both Suho and I were more comfortable with moving to a city that we have a basic knowledge of, rather than a completely random one. After that, everything just fell into place.”

“So, you sit in front of a computer screen most of the time?” I teased.

“You’re right,” He chuckled,” That is mostly what I do on a daily basis. Why do you ask?”

“Ah, just trying to learn more about you is all.”

“Maybe I don’t want you to. Maybe I want to stay as mysterious as I can,” He smirked, his eyebrows rose in amusement. “Hmm. I’m pretty good at digging up information if that’s the game you want to play,” I sat my cup of coffee down as I said this. “I hate to break it to you Ursula, but I’m very good at keeping things hid.” We stared at each other for a few seconds before a waitress cleared her throat. She put the check down, Sehun taking it before I could.

“Hey, give me that!” I tried to take it out of his hand, but he jerked it away. “No, I’ll pay,” He insisted, getting his wallet out. “I invited you out, I will pay,” I retorted. “Here’s a compromise, I’ll pay for breakfast and we can go out to eat dinner tonight and you can pay for that.”

I looked at him to see if he was being sarcastic or not, when I knew that he was serious I asked, “Is this your sneaky way of asking me out?” He leaned on his elbows and brought his face closer to mine, humming, “Maybe, maybe not. Are you saying yes?”

“Of course, you got yourself a deal,” I held out my hand for him to shake. We shook hands, sealing the deal.

“Is there any place, in particular, you want to go? I don’t want to drag you into a bunch of stores that you don’t want to go in,” I explained as we entered the mall. “If I see something that peaks my interest, I’ll tell you. So, where to first?”

“I think the first thing I need to do is pick up perfume.” Sehun seemed a little surprised when I led him into Victoria’s Secret. “I would have never guessed,” He said. “Well, there’s a lot of stuff about me that you wouldn’t guess,” I laughed. I looked around for my perfume but before I could find it Sehun came to me and handed a box to me that contained it.

“How’d you know?” I asked. “Well, I can smell it on you sometimes, and I picked this up and knew it was the scent,” He explained. I looked at him and thanked him, then I went up to the counter to pay.

“Is that all for you today?” The cashier asked. I said yes, and proceeded to dig my debit card out from my wallet. “Ursula?” I looked up and saw an old classmate of mine from school—Jae. “Oh, hi Jae,” I said, not caring too much to hold a conversation.

“How have you been? Are you still interested in becoming a vet?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, I see,” I sighed in my head at the fact that he wouldn’t just ring my things up and let me leave, “That’s interesting.” He took the box of perfume from the counter and rang it up. I slid my card and entered my code in. He then got a bag out and put the perfume in the bag, along with the receipt. “So I was wondering if you’re-”

“Hey, babe! Have you checked out already? I found your size!” I looked to my side and Sehun stood next to me, a lingerie set in hand. He put his arm around me, “Nice, isn’t it? I picked it out especially for you,” He said quietly, but loud enough for Jae to hear what he said. I took the set from his hands and put it up on the counter, “Sorry about that. He has a better eye for things than I do,” I giggled. Jae rung up the lingerie, putting it in the same bag. I went to slide my card again, but Sehun beat me to it. He slid his card, put his code in, and took the bag off of the counter.

“So, Ursula is this-” Once again Jae was cut off by Sehun, “I’m her boyfriend.” I look up at him in surprise but remembered the situation and continued playing along. Jae went to hand the receipt to me, but Sehun took it from his hand and put it in the bag. “I can’t wait to see you in what I picked out for you,” He whispered in my ear, again loudly enough for Jae to hear. I blushed at the sound of this. I knew he was joking, but it still made me embarrassed.

“Alright, well, it was nice seeing you again Ursula,” Jae said, an awkward tone in his voice. “Same to you,” I replied. Sehun grabbed my hand and pulled me close to him. We walked away, Sehun still holding my hand.

When we were out of sight from Victoria’s Secret, he let go of my hand and started apologizing, “I’m so sorry about that. I saw that you were tired of him talking to you and I had to step in,” He said. I looked in the bag, checking the size of the lingerie. “It’s okay. You actually grabbed my size. How’d you ever guess?” I bumped my shoulder against his. He laughed and rubbed the back of his neck, “Ah, lucky guess?” I smirked at him, bringing my mouth near his ear. “Well, maybe I should pay you back for this and model it for you,” I teased and started walking away.

Sehun and I managed to kill a few hours walking around the mall and going in various stores. One thing that I learned about him is that he is very indecisive when it comes to clothes.

“I’m telling you, it’s your color!” I exclaimed. Sehun had on a dark purple blazer that looked amazing on him. However, he kept insisting that it looked bad on him. “I don’t know Ursula. I’ve never worn this color before.” I let him go back to the dressing room to change into another blazer. He handed me the dark purple one and a sneaky idea came to my mind. I went over to the cash register and purchased it for him before he came out of the dressing room in another blazer.

“What’s that?” He immediately asked as he stepped out of the dressing room. “Ooo. That one is nice too,” I complimented, ignoring his question. “Seriously Ursula, what is that?” His voice now becoming more hasty, not commenting on what I said to him. “Well, since you have to know so badly I guess I can tell you. Seeing as how you were being so stubborn, even though it looked amazing on you, I bought it for you,” I said, letting him see in the bag.

“Ursula you didn’t have to do that. Let me pay you back,” He insisted, reaching into his pants for his wallet. “If you take out your wallet I will cut your hands off.” He stopped and took his hands out of his pants in response to my threat. “Just accept it as a gift. Friends do that,” I smiled at him. “Friends?” He asked, his gaze focusing on me.

“Yeah, we are friends. Are we not?”

“Yes. Of course, we are friends, Ursula,” He smiled at me before turning and looking at himself in the mirror.

-Sehun’s POV-

Today has been an amazing day. Ursula and I have spent the whole day together, and now we are out at dinner together. This really is like a date, the reality of the situation excites me beyond belief. I don’t think another person has ever made me this happy before.

When that guy at the mall today was talking to her, I don’t know what came over me. Seeing the way he looked at her I could tell that he wanted to ask her out, so I had to jump in and intervene. I would never let anyone near her that didn’t have the best of intentions. He was no good for her, and I could tell. ‘No one will ever be as good for her as you are. No one.’

“What are you thinking about?” I am shaken from my thoughts when Ursula asked me this. “Just about how beautiful you are,” I said. She seemed taken aback by my words. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I didn’t mean to do that I promise!” I said. She shook her head at me, “It’s not that, I just haven’t heard that in a long time.” Her voice fell quiet as she said this.

I took her hand in mine across the table, “Well, you are beautiful. You’re the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life.” She looked at her hands and smiled to herself. She then looked up into my eyes and said, “Why are you so sweet to me?” I ran my thumb over the top of her hand. “You’re an amazing person, I’m just speaking my honest feelings. Has no one ever said things like this to you before?”

She took her hands out of my grasp and put them in her lap. “Well yes, once. However, none of the things he said made me feel the way that the things you say make me feel,” She admitted. “How do I make you feel?”

“Honestly? I don’t know. I haven’t had someone’s words sway me like this before. It… Sort of scares me to be honest,” She bit her lip and looked down at her hands. I slid out from my side of the booth and sat beside her on the other side. I grabbed her hands in mine and made her look at me.

‘She is starting to trust you, this is a major thing and you must take it seriously. Choose your next words carefully, speak from your heart but make sure that you do not cross the line.’

“Being scared is a natural part of developing feelings for someone. I do not expect you to feel much for me yet, but believe me when I say that I care about you. I would never use your emotions against you,” I said. She nodded her head, “Thank you.” She laid her head against my shoulder, I could tell that the tension she felt before had eased up. Why do I have such a strong feeling of protection right now?

‘From now on you must protect Ursula. No one will ever hurt her. Not as long as you are around. You will make her happy, you. Not anyone else. You have to do this, even if it is the last thing you do.’

She excused herself to go to the bathroom, leaving her purse sitting in the booth. I looked to make sure she had entered the bathroom, then I opened her purse and pulled her phone out. Her phone didn’t have a lock code, so getting into it was easy. I opened up the app store and found the app that I was looking for. This app is used by parents so they can monitor everything their kids are doing on their phones, and the app itself is virtually invisible to the user. I connected her phone to mine, now I had complete access to her phone’s activity.

‘You are overstepping your boundaries, Sehun. This is wrong and you know it.’

‘Do you really believe that? What you are doing is protecting her and keeping an eye on her, you are not doing anything wrong.’

The voices in my head started to bicker over my actions, trying to convince me of what would be the right and wrong thing to do. I know that doing this is right, right? Or… Is it? I’m doing this for her own good, so it is right isn’t it? Before I could be convinced otherwise, I noticed Ursula exit the bathroom. I quickly put her phone back in her purse and closed it, as if nothing had happened.

Protecting her isn’t something that is wrong. It’s something I have to do because if I don’t then who will? I have to protect her at all costs, I know I do. Protecting her is my duty and I am sure of it now.

[anishananigan]

Brain: Lost and then Found

59 D. The transcript said, and I shrugged it saying university is always difficult, the same person who would be upset over 89 in high school. A lot of things had changed over the period of 3 months. My friends, lifestyle, attitude, myself. But I felt it was just me growing up. I am still unclear on if it was the claws of a dreadful sickness slowly getting hold of me as I was being oblivious to any change. One night, mid semester of winter 2014, my second year, it was very a cold night I remember because I had two comforters on and I remember thinking “I am an international student what am I going to finish school? Will be able to? What if my Visa expires? What if I fail al the other courses and how do I apply to Ph.D.? how to I register for next years courses” . And I started cursing myself for how I did not think of all this before and by the time I realized how all these thoughts had no premise and had not connection and were easily answerable, it was morning. I had to rush to school. My friend use to pick me on the way I thought of telling him about it but somewhere I still knew I was being irrational, hence decided to figure it out myself. This I believe was the first red flag, keeping quiet, not sharing, not that I am an expert in the field but from personal experience. Once in school walking up the stairs it felt strange. It felt as if the ground was slipping from under my my feet. As if I couldn’t balance myself anymore as if it’s all uneven and not a flat surface anymore. And trying to maneuver the ups and downs I almost tripped 3 times. This felt weird but I though I might be too tired or sleepy as I was up all night. Class was no different hadn’t been for few weeks now. The professors seemed to go faster than usual. I had a hard time recollecting whatever happened in class and the workload just was too much. I would tend to get obsesses so much with one though never got a chance to go to the other. It was the St. Patrick’s day when I first acknowledged I might have a problem. For quite some time the unbalanced feeling was becoming a part of my life however once back from class about to go out with friends for a party I was changing and realized my legs shaking. Uncontrollably. Just shaking involuntarily. I freaked out and for some reason was in denial of this particular event. I disagreed to the fact that this was happening. I convince myself that I am being ridiculous. I went to the party sat there with my group of friends and heard them discuss a lot of things however nothing they said seemed relevant to me or I did not understand why were they talking about what they were talking about. My best friend was discussing about how her boyfriend and her are going through a rough patch (which is very common among girls) and all I could think was “what do I have to do with this? Why is she telling me this? Never mind just keep nodding.” Slowly things started getting worse from professors seeming fast it had now become completely impossible to comprehend anything that the professor was saying and sitting in the class all I could think of was “what have I learned in all these years. I know nothing. My life is useless”, and would get completely obsessed with this idea so much so that I stopped going to school altogether. Once my friends noticed this they wanted to talk to me about it, as they knew it wasn’t like me to miss school and shut off everybody. On more in depth discussion they decided to take me to the hospital and figure out what wrong. I was diagnosed with severe dehydration when I thought “wait, I haven’t been drinking enough water. That must be it.” On coming back home in the car as I was saying rather rambling on stuff that would seem completely illogical to a person I saw my friend tearing up. He started getting emotional and said, “this is not you. I have never seen you like this. It cannot be just dehydration”. He held my hand, “just trust me”. We went to another hospital as we felt like the previous one wasn’t a satisfactory answer where the after 4 vials of blood and 6 blood pressure measurements later I was given a neurologist reference with a presumption that I might be predisposed to having a stroke at 19 years of age. This was based on the idea of me being cognitively troubled and having trouble walking. Again the drive back was painful. Not getting any answers was worse. Being a science student I was desperate for reason for cause for result for a diagnosis. “The doctor is not in today he is on a vacation” the nurse said as my fried clenched his teeth in anger. “why is this happening to her?”. Is it even logical to get a referral for a doctor that isn’t even in town.” All this while I was thinking “Am I going crazy? I am slipping away? I will never be fixed? Is it because I am a bad person?” Maybe if I don’t sit with my legs crossed I won’t be punished?”, and these thoughts seemed completely acceptable to me. I was taken in by the doctors assistant “ push your hand against mine as hard as you can.” She said pressing the hand against mine. She came close to my eye with a device that had a little in it. “look up, right, down, left.”

“I have sleeplessness.” I said my first word that day and felt as if I conquered the world, only to realize how low my confidence was now. The assistant did not bother about that remark and looked at my friend, “”She is stressed maybe has some anxiety”. Then looking at the phone she said let me make some calls, “in a low voice she murmured something. “we have a bed for her and will be scheduling an MRI soon.” Next day I was supposed to sit in an exam I screamed and lost all control and started getting all jittery and was shaking yelling at my friend why? You want me to to fail You are pushing me for an MRI in the same day as my exam. What am I going to do? I am losing everything I had.” I see my friend trying to calm me down, the nurse rushing in and then I went to sleep. That was it, for that day. MRIs happened of brain and spine. More vials of blood, more IV more needles still no results. It was frustrating it was testing my patience or whatever I had left of me. MY friends describe my eyes so blank, lips dried and blood oozing out of the cuts, cheeks sunken in until they looked discolored and a smile that was so scary as it was so empty. I was moved from one facility to the other and in that I lost all hope. I decided it was over. There was no answer to my desperation for a diagnosis but by now it the disease had engulfed me such that that I didn’t even know I wanted a diagnosis. I didn’t know how feeling something was. No pain, physical or mental, no expectations except waiting for the lady who came every morning at 6:30 am (as the clock on the wall was the only think I could see) “Morning, stretch your hand. Have you been to the washroom yet?” . “No” the word struggles to come out of my mouth. My friend wakes up “morning, how did you sleep?”. Sleep. Hmm. Wondering when I actually slept last time. All I remembered was my blood being taken and at night a small cup of water with 5 different pills as I force it down my throat and then lay until the next vial of blood is taken from me. I was kept on a stretcher out in the corridor as there was no bed in his facility. According to my friends there were multiple tests done on me but all I remember I seeing a dark empty room with a small red light and I was trying to hold something. A distant voice yelling “if you don’t sit straight we cannot do the test. Please keep you hand still.” It was very faded I couldn’t really understand why was she yelling. Why was I there where was I what is happening? “you’re going to get better, relax don’t move. Let them help you Anisha”.

They are trying to inject something in me. They are plugging something on my head. Are they shaving my head? They are trying to erase all my memories. I am a lab rat. All my friends are with them. I see that man on the computer he is rewriting my life. He is taking away everything from me. He is feeding someone else’s life in me. They are killing me and I start yelling. Why is my friend dancing in the air? What is that group of people beside the waterfall discussing are they conspiring against me? “Maaaa. Mom! I want her! Please my mother. My voice sounds as if I my lungs will burst out. I couldn’t have screamed louder. I push away my friend who was trying to read some religious verses around me and I pull out the plugs off my hair. Banging the table beside me and kicking my legs in the air I roar “MAAA! Where are you! Save me lease I beg you maaaa! Come to me ! MAA, MAA. I was being pushed on the stretcher back to the corridor. I kept yelling and throwing my hands and legs in the air. I remember them giving me some tablet under my tongue and next thing I know I was in a room. Same friend of mine was flirting with a guy whose brother was in the same room admitted for some mental illness. They were talking as I lay there staring at the lights outside it seemed like it was late night. “why she not sleeping” “Am I sleeping?” Suddenly I see this big white monster with red eyes trying to attack me and my friend assisting it in all possible way she could. I screamed and pulled out my IV and punched my friend and started squirming and had this pain all over my body as if something is torturing last thing I remember of that night is 6 very dark soul like thing grabbing me and holding me down and taking me somewhere I didn’t want to go. I wake up apparently I was sedated for 8 hours and it took 6 nurses to achieve that feat. All this seems irrational but it was real very real and it was happening to me and nobody else. Anybody and everybody after that day could tell I was not me anymore. Nothing in me was the same. I was now completely on IV couldn’t eat or walk. Stopped talking comprehending basic information was a rigorous exercise and finally the last straw was when was in my diapers at loss of all control of my body. I thought to myself “Am I even Alive?’

Luckily the doctors and my friends didn’t think like that. After 2 months of various tests and blood work and spinal tap finally there it was on 30th April my friends came running telling “They have a diagnosis, they have a plan. You’re going to be okay. It is called Anti-NMDA receptor encephalitis”. All I had to say was “hmm”. That’s how it worked because I couldn’t even remember 4 words for 20 seconds anymore. I wasn’t there coherently so I couldn’t understand. To me I was done forever. But then 2 months of psychosis, paranoia, hallucinations cognitive problems and 7 months of IVIG and Methyl prednisone plus another relapse next year with 5 cycles of plasmapheresis, lots of love and support from family and extremely gifted doctors later here I am a B.Sc. graduate in biotechnology with lovely friends to count on. The ghost of NMDA relapse scares me but the possibilities of future keep me going on.

[thyfoulart]

July 30, 2017 @ 1040 AM

You know, I used to be on Tumblr a lot, like, all of the fucking time. I lived on here and i thought it was a good place to get some attention. Obviously, I never did. One thing I’ve been learning is that the things you do shouldn’t be for attention. Doing what you like should be your purpose. Now, here is where I’m stuck. What the fuck do I like to do?? Hmm, I don’t know. This a great way for me to reflect. This is like my meditation. Being able to put thoughts down makes me actually process my thoughts more and remember what im thinking of. Most of the time. Now, seriously, what do I like to do? What are my goals? 

1. I like to go hiking. - Why? Well, when I go hiking, i feel the fresh outdoors. It’s quiet, and relaxing. I get time to think and get away from the world. My son is entertained. If he’s not wanting me to pick him up, then he’s walking or running and checking things out. Plus, it tires him out. Which means that he should go to sleep earlier. This is what I should do more often. Get outside.

2. I like dancing. - Why? I feel fun and alive. Being able to be good at it gives me confidence. Being complimented on it, brightens me up. Knowing that I can do something, other people can’t always do, makes me feel amazing. And, it’s such a fun thing to do with other people. You hype each other up. It can also be romantic. Dancing together in sync. Performing as one. Being close to each other. Unless, we get to the freak dancing, the grinding and stuff. I still find it fun, and well its sexual and I really like sex sooooo... yeah. Anyways, I should practice dancing more.

3. I like working out. - Why? Well, it sucks balls to put up heavy weight. It sucks to not be able to push as much as you want sometimes. But, I like the results. I’ve seen the results before. I know I can do it and push really hard. It makes me look good, it makes me stronger, it makes me more attractive, and i get in better connection with myself. I’m learning how to strengthen not just my body, but my mind.

4. I like spending time with my son. - Why? Well, he’s my son. He gives me life. He gives me purpose. He’s funny. He’s such a beautiful baby boy, and he’s mine. Even as a baby, where we know sometimes they don’t put us in the best of moods because of everything else going on in our lives, at the end of the day, we love them. They’re innocent. They’re trying. They want to do as much as they can and have as much as they can, just like us. It’s a wonderful learning experience.

5. I like being alone. - Why? I am left without outside worry. How? Well, if I’m alone. I don’t have to worry about being affected by things that I feel like I can’t get rid of. I don’t like having too close of ties because most of the time i’m just by myself. The only one I keep around is my son. I’ve been really judgmental, and easily affected lately. Since, me and my ex split, I never wanted to come in conflict with things. Not having to worry, and not putting myself out in comfortable positions is valuable to me. That could also be a problem. I’m cutting myself off from opportunities, based on the chance that I might not like what happens. So, this needs to be reevaluated.

6. I like to read. - Why? It teaches me so many things that I didn’t know. It let’s me get in touch with other peoples’ lives. It helps me connect and understand myself. I’m not the greatest with reaching out to people, especially people who are so huge in the world and are trying to have their own personal lives, but can’t. Either way, reading has helped me reach parts of these peoples’ lives that I never thought possible. It’s like asking for information without trying to pry it out of them or hunting them down. 

7. I like talking to people. - Why? It makes me feel normal. I wasn’t the greatest at talking to strangers as I was growing up. I was always shy. I was scared of being judged or being looked at in any strange unacceptable way. I also had no confidence in myself. I had no self esteem. I think it’s because my thoughts were always put down because they didnt follow the norm. They didnt follow the standards. That was coming from anywhere in my family. That’s where I remember it most. I still recently remember it coming mostly from my brother, someone who I don’t constantly remember having around. I never trusted him. I was never able to actually make mistakes in life. I couldn’t make the mistakes that were going to build my character. Also, my dad. I was afraid of him and what he would think. Of course, we’re worried about our parents putting us down because we love them the most but they’ll judge us the most. Their words and thoughts were drilled into my head, so I’d go into the mirror and I’d tell myself that same shit before I heard come out of their mouths. Now, the really sad part. My mom. My mom always wanted to lift me up with any of my ideas, but she would love to omit the truth of her opinion, where she would tell me how wrong or dumb it might have been. It’s that same way how your mom plays super nice to your girlfriend, but once you break up, she’s talking all this shit saying she knew the whole time... remember that? yeah, so I stopped asking my mom for advice on my dreams and ideas because in all honesty, my mom didn’t pursue her dreams, even now. She’s also pretty indecisive. So, there’s my jackass brother who tries to make everyone like him or be right all of the time. Then, my scary dad who was hard to figure out, but i never wanted to disappoint, but also didnt give me the time and support I needed, and recently told me to do what I love as a life career. Lastly, my indecisive mom, who couldn’t teach me to make my own decisions. Those all ruined me socially. I wasn’t confident, i was scared, and indecisive. How the fuck do you socialize with that personality?

8. fuck, after all that ^? i guess... i like to learn about myself. i like to run my mouth. i like to reflect. i like to talk about me, and i like to have the attention on me. honest fucking truth. - why? well, it makes me feel fucking good. knowing more about me, let’s me make changes. the things that make me feel wrong, or stupid, or that are flawed, or even unacceptable in my own eyes, should be known to me. i could go through my whole life being ignorant about my own problems. there could be roadblocks keeping me from having a better life. people might not even tell me about it. so, yes, i love to talk about me. i love to talk about other people, but i love to let them know about me too. it’s not just all about me like im bragging. its about hey this is who i am, how can we collab? that’s really it. tell me where i can improve. tell me what you notice about me. tell me what i seem to obsess over. tell me more. help me improve. 

9. look, this is it for this post... Lastly, I like to love. i love to love. - why? because it fucking feels good. I miss loving. i used to throw my heart out there. but ive ended up in turmoil. i dont know why things got so bad. and then i also looked at them, thinking, maybe i couldve done way better. maybe i couldve had higher standards or more confidence. my mind takes charge these days because my heart wasn’t smart. but when i loved and i was in love, man i was so happy. i could just let go and be vulnerable. i could be free. i felt freedom when i loved. i loved knowing that this one person was there for me. i loved having someone who had to listen to my bullshit, until i realized that they didnt care all that much... but i had someone around you know? that felt good. now, i just got my son. and it feels good to love him. i just can’t really talk with him or get any feedback. i feel like im just monitoring him half of the time and trying to learn about him. i just wanna be in his position haha. love feels good. especially with all of the cute things. they’ll bright your world up and make you do great things. it just sucked when it flipped around and you performed like shit in everything else. i just dont want to feel like im guarding myself all of the time anymore. i just want to be free. love gave me that.

(this post concluded @ 1050 PM)