#his trauma responses just happen to perfectly play off of roz's trauma responses to make the Worst Outcome

[veilkeeper]

im gonna be honest roz is having a bad time right now

i think i've been pretty clear about this but i think it's time i made a dedicated post about how bad of a time roz is having as of early act 3, because we kind of left off on a high in act 2 and it's been all downhill from there. so let's summarize. roz enjoyers, read on.

first the act starts with the emperor reveal. this is fucked in and of itself, not just because roz is a githyanki and the emperor is a mindflayer keeping their prince subdued, but because it is confirmation that they have trusted and sacrificed for someone who has been lying to them, and they're kind of locked into a dynamic with him that they don't know how to untangle themself from (more on this in an upcoming post). especially since....

they're partial-illithid, and not by choice. this is the real trigger of basically everything that comes next, at least regarding their emotional state. this is the thing that makes them feel violated and isolated and like they can't talk to anyone, and is the real heart behind the insecurity they're bringing to everything else.

astarion really wants to do the ritual, and it is becoming increasingly clear that that's a terrible idea. everything they learn about it implies more and more that it's going to require doing something monstrous (because of course) and that it's going to change astarion in ways neither of them can predict. please look at the point above. roz is not really stoked about changes they can't predict or control right now.

but... even though they think it's a terrible idea to go through with the ritual, astarion really wants to. and while roz has trouble saying no at the best of times, theyre definitely not in a good state to do it now, especially since astarion is pulling out all the stops with the "manipulative boyfriend" bingo he seems to be playing. paralyzing fear of abandonment + targeted manipulation + intense insecurity = a not great roz

all of this is of course also compounded by the fact that because of where astarion is emotionally (namely, terrified that cazador is going to whisk him away and use everything he cares about against him), astarion is also not exactly forthcoming with the touchy-feely stuff either, so roz is getting absolutely no feedback from him that like... they matter to him, and that he isn't one of the many, many people who seem to be using them.

and then, halsin propositions them. and while i stand by everything i said in my long meta post about the polymance being good, actually, for roz specifically in this exact moment, i think they're saying yes more out of a desire to be desired and to just turn off their brain and do what someone else wants, and less because they think this is a good idea right now. halsin is a great guy who makes them feel safe, but they are not in a headspace to properly make a decision on this but... well. they did.

and raphael and the emperor (and soon gortash, i believe) are playing tug-of-war with roz's loyalties and roz is basically being forced to decide which Terrible Guy to trust for more than two seconds. because even if they don't trust any of them, one of them has to protect them from their tadpole long enough to actually stop the world from ending.

oh, and because it shouldn't be overlooked: they are being tasked with saving the world.

basically at this point every time i play i'm just thinking "is this the moment they have a terrible mental break down? is this the moment they have a terrible mental break down?" it's like pulling an elastic too far. they're going to have to snap sometime, right?