#his side quests are insane like that's my goat

[sargericnation]

cutie

[angst-fairygodmother]

37 and 66 from I love you things with Ollie and Jess?

A/N: Hi Nonny! Thank you so much for this prompt. I’m so sorry it took me a while to write, but I hope it was worth the wait. I went back and forth while writing this between making it a reader-insert and using Jess as an actual OC and finally settled on the latter, because it just felt right. (Which is probably how I will continue to write this pair going forward also.) Word Count: 3493 Rating: G - mostly fluff - heights (and fear of influencing how it’s written), a little swearing, referenced/implied panic attack

Jess closed the shop at 6pm on the dot, giving herself an hour to get ready for...whatever Ollie had planned. There weren’t a lot of places to go out to dinner in the area, and she desperately hoped he wouldn’t start out by inviting her home to meet the infamous Charlie Sway. She chewed nervously on her nail, staring at her closet. She knew she needed something that would work for anything, but her mind continued to run in circles trying to decide exactly what that meant. 

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d given this much thought to what she looked like on someone else’s account. It felt strange to say the least. But, she mused, not a bad kind of strange. Eventually, she settled on a cute cream-colored sweater and jeans, hoping that the evening temperature dropped enough to make them reasonable.

There was a soft knock on the door and she frantically cast one last look over herself in the mirror, smoothing down her shirt and hair, stomach twisting nervously. 

She threw open the door perhaps a bit overenthusiastically, a warm expression on her face. 

“Hi,” she greeted him, the single syllable all she could get out as she met those soft blue eyes. 

Ollie grinned when he saw her, the excited, adoring expression making her heart flutter. It was hard for Jess not to scoff at the cliché, when she was behaving like the protagonists of the romances she sold by the dozen. But at least he was looking at her the same way, and seemed at least momentarily speechless. 

“Uh, do you want to come in?” she offered meekly after a moment, gesturing over her shoulder. “Or I can come out, and we can...I mean...um...”

The two of them stood there, staring at each other dumbly for a moment, on either side of the doorway. 

“So...where are we going?” she asked after a long pause ripe with awkward tension. She wanted to kick herself. Ollie had been so easy to talk to from the moment he walked into her store, but now, suddenly they were going on a proper date and everything felt different?

“I have a picnic bag in the back of my car, and I thought we could drive somewhere, and then maybe hike a bit?”

“A hike?” she asked nervously. “Like, up into the mountains?”

“Yeah. There’s a point up there that has great views of the entire town and the lake. Nik heard about it from one of the girls at the bar we were flirting with…I mean he was flirting with mostly. It wasn’t...I mean I didn’t...and this was before I met you…”

“Ollie,” she laughed lightly, tilting her head to one side to look at him. “I’m not the blushing, swooning virginal maiden, and I don’t expect you to be either.” 

He coughed, face turning crimson and she couldn’t help smiling fondly. Finally, things were feeling a little more normal, this was still the same Ollie she had come to adore. 

“You’re also only here for the summer, or however long it takes you to find your Dad’s record. So I hadn’t set my hopes on serious, or exclusive. I just think you’re cute, and fun to be around, so why not enjoy something and see what happens with it?”

“Oh.” His face twisted as he considered her words.

“However, I don’t think a hike is a good idea. It’s going to be dark soon.”

“There’s still almost two hours before sunset, and I brought flashlights so we can get back down the mountain.”

Of course, he had planned ahead. It would be stupid to plan a hiking date and not account for that, and he was far from stupid. And they were both dressed fine for the occasion. Her mind quested desperately for some other reason that they shouldn’t go and came up blank. So instead she held up a finger for him to wait, and went back to collect her camera. If she were going to do this, she might as well get some good photographs out of it, she rationed. Maybe even one she could sell prints of, if she was incredibly lucky. (She already felt insanely so, when such a wonderful boy wanted to go out with her, so why not see how far that streak ran?)

~

The first part of the hike went surprisingly smoothly, and it didn’t take long before Jess and Ollie were joking and laughing, scrabbling over rocks like young goats, playing eye-spy with the woods, any weirdness melting away in the evening sun. She barely noticed the way their path climbed, and felt completely relaxed.

Gradually, without her noticing, the trail narrowed and became steeper, until it rounded a tight bend up ahead, nothing but air off to her left and solid rock to the right. She swallowed nervously, trying to keep her eyes from the empty space. All of her joviality dropped away like the ground. 

“Jess?” Ollie asked, noticing her discomfort as she edged very slowly along. “Are you alright?”

“Yes. Yeah. Fine. I just...don’t like heights.” She answered, breath and words coming in short bursts. 

“Oh. Shit. Um, we can turn back if you want? I didn't realize you--”

“No. No, it's fine. We're here now. I'll make it through. You just might have to hold my hand for the way back down.”

She’d meant it as a joke, a light flirtation to distract her from the many, many feet she could fall with one misstep. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to be doing any good, as her mind found a way to focus on both the space and how cheesy the sentence was.

“Do...you want me to now?” he countered, holding one slim hand out. 

She flashed him a small smile, taking it with her own and trying not to think too much about how nice, how right it felt. “You’ve been taking lessons with Nikolai haven’t you?”

“What?”

“That was smooth, Oliver,” she teased, enjoying the way he turned red all the way to the tips of his ears. 

~

Eventually, the young couple made it to the overlook, with much gentle guidance from Ollie to keep Jess’s nerves from overwhelming her, and she gasped. The lake stretched out below them, still and silver in the evening light, shining like a mirror. Tiny specks of color, moving too fast or too far for the eye to really track marked the boaters and jetskis, and kites flown from the small public beach. Most of the buildings disappeared into the verdant green surroundings, and the ones she could still spot looked like houses and shops and mansions for Polly Pockets, not people. The sun was just starting to dip behind the mountains on the far side of the lake, hazy outlines of shadow against the sherbert sky. 

“Oh, Ollie,” she breathed, stunned. “It’s beautiful.”

He mumbled something she didn’t catch and started unpacking the picnic he’d brought in his backpack. Not wanting to disturb him, and clearly left to her own devices for the moment, she took out her camera, adjusting the lens carefully, capturing as much of the view as she could. Then, on an impulse she turned around and snapped one of Ollie, silhouetted against the forest and the peeks of sunset between the trees, before he could notice. The sound of the shutter, or the finishing touches being put on dinner, made him look up.

“What are you doing, Jess?” he asked, confusion written across his features. 

“Taking pictures of beautiful things,” she answered with a shrug, bringing the camera to her eye again.

“No,” he held up his hand to block it, laughing. 

“I’m serious. This place, up here away from it all, suits you.”

“You’re full of shit, Jess.” He shook his head, his hair falling across his face.

She took another photo while his guard was down. 

“Come sit down. Marlena put together a good meal.” 

Relenting after another photo out into the distance, almost wishing she dared to get closer to the edge of the overlook, she carefully disassembled her camera, storing each piece with reverence back in its bag, before sitting across from him. He had set up quite the array on the blanket: simple but delicious looking toasted sandwiches, glasses and lemonade, berries and chunks of watermelon, and what looked like very freshly baked chocolate-chip cookies.

“Ollie, it looks amazing,” she said with a smile, popping a sweet, juicy blackberry into her mouth with a small, exaggerated moan. “And tastes even better.”

He blushed, shrugging and laughing sheepishly. “All I did was carry it up here.”

She rolled her eyes as he deflected yet another compliment. He seemed to always be doing that, much to her frustration, and she made a mental note to find a way to make him see how much she meant them, how true each one was. 

Silence fell over the two of them as they started picking at the buffet between them, but it was an easy one, a pause rather than an interruption, and eventually conversation resumed. She asked him about his search for his father’s record and listened as he spoke of the things he had found, which weren’t what he was looking for but seemed to bring (mostly) happy memories of his childhood. He asked for stories of her family, and of what the town was like when summer-people left. 

“Sway Lake is a different place,” she concluded eventually, casting her eyes about her on the clifftop, “just like it is from up here. Or frozen in a moment in your record.” 

By now the remains of the food had been set aside, and the pair had scooted closer on the picnic blanket, sitting side by side and facing out, instead of across from one another. Hesitantly, Jess shifted her hand closer so that their pinkies brushed, daring him to take action and hold her hand again. He didn’t seem to notice as he turned to face her, eyebrows knitted in confusion. 

“I…” he cleared his throat and started over. “You have a really unique view of the world.” 

Something in the way he said it made it feel like the kindest compliment someone could give, and it was finally her turn to blush, ducking her head to hide as her cheeks heated furiously. 

“I mean I guess,” she fiddled with the edge of the picnic blanket beside her, plucking at a loose thread so she didn’t have to meet his eyes just yet. “I’ve never really thought about it like that...”

“The view up here must be great for photos,” he said, making her laugh at his abrupt change of subject, obviously picking up on her embarrassment and knowing it well. 

“Yeah, it is. I’m hoping they come out well. Thank you for showing it to me.”

“The way people were talking, it’s pretty well known...how come you haven’t been up here before?”

“Heights, remember?” she flashed him a half-smile as she tilted her head to one side. “I’ve never had someone invite me before who seemed worth the risk.”

“How do you know if something’s worth it without ever seeing it?”

“You know your record is without hearing it don’t you? Besides, I said someone, not something.”

He froze, blinking owlishly at her. 

“Ollie?” she asked after a long pause, wondering what was going on with him suddenly.

“Can I kiss you?” he blurted, and now it was her turn to freeze, the question momentarily incomprehensible. 

“Yes,” she breathed, barely getting the word out before his lips were pressed against hers. 

The contact was abrupt, almost a headbutt but more romantic. There was a moment of awkward fumbling, of bumping noses and clashing teeth, until their mouths finally slotted together properly. Even after finding the right way to connect, there was a split second of hesitation, and then his hands came up to frame her jaw, pulling her closer, the tips of his fingers teasing at her hairline and the small hairs that had escaped the scrunchie holding most of it back. Keeping one of her own hands on the blanket to hold herself steady, Jess wrapped the other around the back of his neck like an anchor and leaned into the pressure of his soft lips on hers. 

All too soon he pulled away, panting breathlessly, and staring at her with an awe that made her own breath catch in her throat. She was half tempted to pull him back into another kiss, if only to make him stop looking at her like that. 

A distant roll of thunder shattered the moment, and her eyes flickered toward the clouds gathering on the blue-purple horizon. 

“We should probably head back, before that gets here,” she said reluctantly, wishing she had more time.

Ollie nodded in agreement, and the two of them made quick work of packing back up the remains of the picnic. He handed her a heavy black flashlight (that, she noted gratefully, and then laughed internally at her own thought, would double as a decent weapon against a rogue mountain lion at least long enough to run) and set off down the mountain. She tried to follow him without looking down, but the uneven terrain in the growing darkness made that too difficult to maintain. Soon the very idea filled her with just as much fear as looking. The edge of the path seemed to drop sharply, drawing ever closer to her feet in the narrow beam of yellow light, until it felt like she was walking along the very line of the drop. 

She stopped short with a yelp, head spinning from the sensation and whole body trembling. The sound made Ollie turn around sharply, placing himself as a barrier between her and the fall as she pressed her back firmly against the rock. 

He took her by the shoulders, trying to get her to make eye contact instead of staring blankly at the sight, or lack of sight beyond him. 

“Jess? Can you hear me?” he asked. “It’s alright, Jess. I’m right here, I won’t let you fall.”

Her blood roared in her ears and she saw his lips move but it was too loud for her to hear him.

When talking didn’t seem to work, he wrapped his arms around her, drawing her into a tight hug. Her fingers curled into his sweatshirt, clinging to him like a lifeline. Face pressed into the side of his neck she let out a sob, as the world spun around her much too fast.

~

The rest of the journey down to Ollie’s station wagon and much of the drive were a blur. Jess wasn’t completely unconvinced that he had somehow found a way to carry her down, although that was giving his physical strength more credit than he looked like it deserved. The storm picked up as they drove, clouds turning the sky to black, lit only by the occasional crash of lightning, and rain slamming against the roof and windows.

All too soon, the car stopped, parking in the narrow street in front of her building. They exited the car and promptly Ollie took her by the hand, lacing their fingers together. Not wanting to stand in the rain, she used the point of contact to drag him along, running as if she could dodge the water falling from the sky until they made it to her door. They stood there under the eaves, hair and clothing dripping, facing each other reluctantly, not wanting to say goodnight just yet.

“Tonight was…” he said, pausing. 

“Amazing?” she finished, smiling and feeling the light heat of a blush on her cheeks.

“Yeah. That.” He smiled back, and looked for a moment (during which her heart beat like a bird trying to escape her chest) like he was going to kiss her again. “I should let you go inside…”

“Stay over,” she blurted out before she could consider the words. 

“W-what?” he stared at her like she’d just grown an extra head or twelve. “Jess I can’t do that…”

“It’s late. And the weather’s bad. And I saw you yawning while we were driving back. I’d worry about you if you tried to go home now.”

“It’s just around the other side of the lake…”

“Yeah, but that’s like half an hour unless you drive recklessly. All it takes is drifting off for a second...please stay?”

“But...what will people think?”

“People,” she raised an eyebrow, “or your grandmother?”

“I don’t just mean her. I don’t want you to be treated like--”

“A slut?” 

He shuffled and looked away. 

“People aren’t that bad, you know. There are a handful of dicks, but most of town doesn’t give a shit.” 

“I didn’t mean…” he frowned. “I’m a Sway. I know people don’t like my family. If you’re seen with me like that...I know what being an outcast feels like, and I don’t want you to have to feel that way.”

“Well I guess you'll just have to make sure no one sees, then.” She smirked, before she sighed. “Look, Ollie. We're grown adults. What we do at night, or any other time, or with whom is no one's business but our own.”

“I know but--”

“No. No buts. I wouldn't have invited you to sleep over if I didn't mean it, or I wasn't prepared for gossip and fallout. It’s up to you. I just would feel a lot better if you did.”

“You really want me to stay?”

She rolled her eyes and fixed him with a look rather than actually answering. The wet breeze sent a shiver over her as she turned to unlock the door, not waiting anymore for him to make a decision. 

“And it’s not...too fast?”

She shrugged, taking him by the arm to pull him into the house and into a kiss. Her other hand threaded into his hair and his hovered over her hips as if he wasn’t quite sure he was allowed to touch her .

“Too fast is a myth,” she murmured, breath ghosting across his face. “Besides, I was inviting you into my house, not my bed.” 

She’d lost count by now of the number of times she’d managed to make Ollie blush tonight, but each time you did was just as adorable as the first. 

“Although, I was going to offer to take the couch,” she said over your shoulder as she led the way toward the furniture in question, “so I guess it was...also...into my bed…this is...I’m making it weird.”

“What? No!” he fumbled to reassure her. “I mean, no. You’re not, not no I won’t sleep in...I don’t want to, without you. Not that we have to sleep together. It’s just. It’s your bed.”

“God we’re a pair,” she said, laughing now as she dropped down and motioned for him to sit beside her. “Tripping over ourselves like romantic baby deer.”

“I just don’t want to mess this up,” he admitted sheepishly, sitting awkwardly perched on the edge of the cushion as if he was going to run at any moment. 

“Is there...something to mess up?” she asked, reaching over to take his hand and lacing her fingers through his. 

“I think so,” the words may have been a statement but his face was a question as he turned toward her a little more. “I don't want this to be some summer fling, Jess. I want it to be real.”

“Hey, summer flings can also be real. There was this one guy who…” she paused at Ollie's expression and shook her head, “never mind. The point is they're not mutually exclusive. But I appreciate the sentiment. And I’d really like that too.”

“What does that mean though?” he asked. 

She paused. “That’s what we have to decide. But...not tonight. It’s late. We should go to bed and talk about it when we’re rested.” She fought back a yawn that emphasized her point as she stood. 

He nodded, watching her turn and cross the room, eyes lingering low. It took him a moment to realize when she had stopped moving again. 

“Well aren't you coming?” 

“What?” he squeaked out. 

“It occurs to me, the bed is big enough for two and way more comfortable than the couch.”

“I…”

“I just mean to sleep, for real. And, I guess, maybe cuddling?” She bit her lip nervously. “Unless you're not good with that…”

He stared for another long, awkward moment. “Even with my nightmares?”

She shrugged. “Yeah. I’ll deal. Or maybe having someone else beside you will help.” 

Ollie scrambled to his feet, nearly tripping over himself in his rush to join her by the doorway. She laughed, lacing her fingers with his and leading him further through the apartment, silently marveling at how well things had gone, for a first date.

[tumblezwei]

Why Kyoko Mogami is the GOAT

And why y’all are SLEEPING ON HER

Spoilers for Skip Beat, but honestly idk how much of the story I’m gonna get into for this since I’m flying by the seat of my pants. Still, read at your own risk.

Also this is LONG lmao

Kyoko Mogami is a 16 year old middle school drop-out that works two jobs day and night in order to pay rent for the Tokyo apartment that she lives in all by herself 6 days out of the week. Going into the first chapter, there are three things immediately clear about her. 

1. She’s cheerful, kind, and also kind of batshit insane. From the first moment we meet her, her personality is throwing itself at our faces and refusing to calm down. (apologies for the bad quality images, I work with what I have)

2. She loves Sho Fuwa, her childhood friend and rising rock-star that asked Kyoko to come with him to Tokyo after middle school graduation to support his career

3. Nothing matters to her as long as Sho is happy. Sure, she laments that her love for girly dresses, cosmetics, and fairy tale princesses will never amount to anything since all of her money is going toward paying the rent on her and Sho’s apartment, but that’s fine. As long as her precious Sho is happy, so is she. 

And, as you’d expect, things go to shit pretty quickly afterwards. During one her off days from her night job, Kyoko decides to visit Sho at his recording studio with dinner. After sneaking in past the hoards of squealing teenage girls waiting outside to catch a glimpse of him, she overhears him talking to his manager. 

“I’m the heir to a prominent Japanese inn, do you think I’ve ever cooked or cleaned all by myself?” She hears. 

“That’s awful,” the manager replies, “you make it sound as if you brought her just to be your maid.”

“She’s basically been my maid since I was a kid, or else I wouldn’t have brought her along with me. It’s not like I forced her, I asked her a question and gave her the choice. It’s only natural that she’d work her butt off to support me.” 

And he just keeps going. Once he’s made enough to live independently, he’ll send her back. How dare his parents try to set him up with a plain-looking girl like her. She doesn’t even wear make-up! 

As images of flash in Kyoko’s mind of standing in front of make-up stores with no money to buy anything, she takes Sho’s words just as well as one might expect. By unleashing the box of tucked away emotions she’s held in her chest and swearing to take revenge on Sho for using her and throwing her away like this.

. I failed to mention this at the start, but the beginning of the chapter introduces us to the most important piece of symbolism in Kyoko’s character development: Pandora’s box. 

For Kyoko’s entire life, she’s held this box inside herself. In myth, once this box was opened, all of the evil of the world is unleashed, never to be put back inside. So for Kyoko, the metaphor is quite apt. Hearing Sho’s words unlocks the box and unleashes a kind of anger that not even Kyoko knew she was capable of, a kind of determination and vengeance that has her dyeing her hair and staking outside of a talent manager’s house for days on end to whittle down his willpower and give her a chance to audition at Sho’s rival talent agency, LME. Every time she hears his name, or sees his picture, she’s filled with myopic sense of rage that no one can calm her down from. 

Her sole mission in life is to get revenge on Sho Fuwa, a sentiment that finds her at odds with LME’s top actor, Ren Tsuruga, who sees her one-sided quest for vengeance as an insult to people who truly love acting. But as if Kyoko cares, she needs to get revenge! 

I’m gonna drop the pseudo-narration for a bit because I actually need to skip over a fair bit of plot to get to what I think makes Kyoko incredibly compelling, outside of being the funniest female character in existence. We’re going to jump forward in time to Kyoko’s first acting gig. Well, not so much an gig as much as it is a competition. She’s been tasked to play the role of a dignified inn keeper that’s serving tea to the main male character. After having broken her ankle and been challenged by the real lead actress, this is her first shot to prove she has the talent to make it in the acting industry. So in order to immerse herself in the role, she utilizes her experience of being trained by Sho’s mother to take care of the inn that his family owned. It’s here that we finally understand that Kyoko giving up her life back home for Sho wasn’t just a spur of the moment decision brought about by infatuation. It was something she’d been doing for her entire life. Everything she knows how to do, every skill she’s obtained, has been because of Sho. And this is the moment that she realizes that fact too. (the first image is from after the scene is done, wherein Kyoko cannot snap herself out of her character due to the lessons she was taught as a child, despite her sitting position making her broken ankle unbearably painful). 

Even her righteous fury at being left in the dust is focused solely on Sho fucking Fuwa. Is there anything that she has than can be attributed to her own success? Does she have any skills that can’t be traced back to trying to make Sho happy? Who is Kyoko Mogami? Is she worth anything without Sho? 

And I want to make this clear right now, because I know the term “shoujo” makes people hesitate. THIS is what Skip Beat is about. Kyoko’s journey to find out who she is, and with every new role she takes on and with every experience she gains, she becomes just a little closer to finding out who she is and what she wants for herself. 

We watch as her love for acting slowly eclipses her thirst for revenge. A few arcs after this moment, she is contacted about a job to act in a music PV with none other than Sho himself. In the beginning, she accepts the job in order to prove to Sho that she’s climbing the ladder and catching up to him, but her performance suffers whenever she thinks about her revenge. And what saves her isn’t even putting aside her revenge, but prioritizing her own feelings above it. She wants to act! She wants to put on a good performance! So she needs to put aside those feelings of anger and draw from her past experiences to create a character that leaves Sho in the dust. 

I’m gonna bet y’all are wondering about the romance, though. Because this is a shoujo, and of course it has romance. But hey, guess what? That romance is equally compelling and is an integral part to Kyoko’s character too. In the first....5 or so arcs, Ren Tsuruga ‘s relationship with Kyoko crawls it’s way out of the it’s rocky beginnings, and he slowly becomes a mentor figure to Kyoko. He’s her superior in acting, and she looks to him often for support and guidance when she’s struggling to perform a role or having difficulty with her fellow actors. To Kyoko, Ren is the goal, his level of acting is what she aspires to be, so she can stand on equal footing with him. Before there’s even a whiff of romance between them, there develops a solid bond of trust and support. And once the romance starts. Hoo boy. 

To fully understand why it’s taken 12 years irl for a confession scene to finally take place, we need to bring back the metaphor of Pandora’s box. Because not everything escaped Pandora’s box when it was opened. Pandora was able to shut the box just in time for one thing to stay locked inside: hope. In the myth, this is a good thing, while negative and vile emotions run free, hope still exists within people to become better. But for Kyoko, the box isn’t a safe place, it’s a repressed place. She spent her entire life locking away the negative emotions she felt, placing a smile on her face and hoping for Sho’s happiness. And when those emotions are set lose, she locks the box back up, sealing something else inside. Her hope, her confidence in anything having to do with love. 

It’s not just that Kyoko isn’t in love anymore, she feels as if she can’t be in love anymore, that she’s entirely incapable of it. The idea of falling in love with someone else terrifies her. What if she goes back to the way she was before? An empty shell that exists for other people and not herself. The box has been sealed tightly again, and by God this time she’s not going to let anything open it. And like, I don’t want to spoil much in this, as contradictory as that sounds. Because the scene where she realizes she loves Ren? One of the best fucking scenes in any romance manga ever. 

And. God. I haven’t even touched on her mom. Kyoko’s desire for love, that became so warped under Sho and so desolate after his betrayal, can all stem back to Saena Mogami. A woman who, no matter what Kyoko did, rejected any affection that her child tried to give, and gave none in return. “Even a mother can hate her own child.” We get bits and pieces of what Kyoko’s mother was like, and the environment that a very young Kyoko was raised in before her mother left her in the care of Sho’s parents. And eventually we realize that Kyoko isn’t afraid of her love being rejected twice, but a third time. 

Like, y’all, I’m not good at these kind of essays. I keep wanting to go off on tangents, nothing is ever focused, I spend to much time just reading the manga instead of writing this fucking post. But please believe me when I tell you that Kyoko Mogamis character development is like none other. She’s truly at the top of her genre and it’s an actual crime that she’s so underrated. 

I HAVEN’T EVEN TALKED ABOUT KANAE, THE WEISS TO HER RUBY, THE TSUNDERE TO HER GENKI

Before Kyoko gets even a single arc with Ren, she gets two with Kanae. The first with Kanae as a central figure, and the second where Kanae is her support. She’s the one that gives Kyoko the eureka moment she needs to pull of her performance with Sho. They are one of the most developed and deep friendships in shoujo that I’ve ever seen AND Y’ALL NEED TO STOP SLEEPING ON IT. LOOK AT THESE TWO

And don’t take this poorly assembled post at face value, I’ve left out a lot of shit. Starting with how fucking funny this manga is. Kyoko’s special talent for her LME audition is peeling vegetables, there’s a running gag where Ren asks for her advice while she’s in a giant chicken costume, unaware that it’s her, the president of LME is an eccentric millionaire that likes to dress up in different themed costumes every day and loves throwing extravagant parties, Kyoko’s hobby is making voodoo dolls and talks to a miniature Ren doll whenever she needs encouragement or advice. 

And it’s all packaged alongside some of the most compelling character development I’ve ever seen (for both Kyoko and Ren), and some absolutely heartbreaking drama. You will never know true pain until “I don’t have a daughter.”

Read this, ya’ll. You won’t regret it. 

[doomedandstoned]

10,000 Years Take Us Into The "Gargantuan Forest"

~Doomed & Stoned Debuts~

Review by Billy Goate

Album Art by Francesco Bauso

Leaving the world For salvation yonder Quest for eternity To suns beyond

Gazing upon our past Out into forever To a future obscured What glory awaits?

To begin another week of awesome original content at Doomed & Stoned, we're getting you better acquainted with the Swedish juggernaut 10,000 YEARS.

Last summer, the band dropped their eponymous debut to welcome ears and in just a few short weeks 10,000 Years come roaring back with a follow-up. Y'all know I'm a sucker for a good concept album. The eight-track full-length record 'II' (2021) picks up the trail of the Albatross research vessel, which has been galavanting 'cross the nether reaches of the galaxy on a potent rocket fuel made of sludgy stoner rock and doom metal.

If that sounds epic, wait'll you get a load of what's next for our interstellar crew. It helps if you picture the following text as a Star Wars-style screen crawl, slowly working its way up the page against the backdrop of a starry night.

After narrowly escaping the confines of the strange planet and its surrounding dimension, the Albatross and its crew finally return home to Earth. The re-entry is rough and the ship crashlands in a forest. The earth that greets them is vastly different from the one that they left.

When the ship travelled back to earth through the wormhole, it created a rift in the space-time continuum which propelled them far into the future, as well as allowing the Green King and other ancient gods from the other dimension to cross over to our dimension. They have since taken control of not only the earth, but the entire solar system.

After various harrowing experiences and encounters, the truth finally dawns on the surviving members of the crew. They are indeed back on earth, but ten thousand years in the future from when they started their journey. And to make matters worse, they find evidence that the Green King has been known and worshipped by secret cults and societies on earth for millenia, since before humankind even existed.

The surviving members of the crew come to the conclusion that the only way to set things right again is to repair the Albatross and take it back through the rift again in order to close it.

Now that's a saga I'm ready to get invested in. George Lucas, eat your heart out!

The record revs to a start with "Descent," a track that can best be described as terrific panic. It had me thinking of KOOK's "Escape Velocity" from their recent second album, though that's an eight-and-a-half minute slow burn and this is a quick twenty-six second fall from the sky. I wish this little notion had a chance to develop into something longer, but regardless what a thrilling way to open an album!

With rapt attention, I'm waiting to hear what comes next. The ship seems to have crash landed deep inside a "Gargantuan Forest." As an aside, it would be a blast to smoke a bowl o' something (anything, really) with Erik Palm (guitar), Alex Risberg (bass, vox), and Espen Karlsen (drums) just to gab it up a bit about sci-fi lit and horror flicks. I mean, check out the trove of B-movie greats referenced in their preface to the new single (which Doomed & Stoned is debuting today):

In this ABSURD (1981) video, 10,000 Years enter a FOREST OF FEAR (1980) as they access THE BEYOND (1981) and enter a BLOODBATH (1971) with THE BOOGEY MAN (1980), otherwise known as the Espbeast. The Espbeast stalks and haunts the bodies and minds of the characters in this C-grade homage to the horror movies of yesteryear.

The characters FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE (1976) through insane NIGHTMARES IN A DAMAGED BRAIN (1981). If they survive the AXE (1974) they may still end up in an INFERNO (1980) and risk being EATEN ALIVE (1976). All the same risks face the viewer, so don’t watch with the lights out, don’t watch by yourself and DON’T GO IN THE WOODS ALONE (1981). Because after all, isn’t there an Espbeast in all of us?

10,000 Years have picked the ideal setting for the music video. The forests of Sweden stand tall and dark, the ground packed with snow. Screw you, Blair Witch Project -- this is where I want the next found footage flick filmed!

The song opens with a mysterious theme on solitary electric strings, surrounded by hazy reverberation. Drums and bass accent the motif as it's repeated several times over. Dazed by their graceless fall to earth, the crew wander about, checking one another for injuries, seeing if the faithful Albatross has even hope of another journey. As the shock begins to wear off, their hopeless plight reveals itself.

Screaming from the sky Blasting through the atmosphere

Come to rest On the forest floor Still alive What fresh new hell is this?

Surrounded by swamps A strange bleeding from the earth

Giant trees A dense horror taking root Same old sun Unfamiliar rays shine down

Is there something lurking about in the Gargantuan Forest? I'm sure no one wants to wait until nightfall to find out! The so-called "Espbeast" (which the band may actually have been first to name) is more than likely some strange amalgamation of guitar and creature, ripping through foes like a berserker of sound with scraps of High on Fire's "10,000 Years" echoing perversely through the treetops as it stalks and ultimately slays you. Nobody wants to be around when the Espbeast is on the prowl.

Now see, I'm letting my imagination get carried away! Then again, maybe that's what the band had planned all along -- for listeners to join in the fantastic adventures of these cosmonauts, to see through their eyes and feel through their body as they touch foot to strange soil. What will our adventurers find next?

The answer comes all too soon: "Spinosaurus!" This gruff beast charges angrily through the woods knocking things about, displacing rocks, snapping branches, royally pissed and ready to make somebody pay for the noise that snatched him away from a damned good nap. The repeated note riff, with its odd strumming pattern, does a nifty job of representing the crude movements of the Spinosaurus as it lumbers about the forest. Eric is a virtuosic mess of frantic tremeloes and wiry noodling against Espen's stampeding drums, as Alex narrates the scene with a terrifying shout:

Is this our earth? No time to dwell Dorsal sail cutting air Cretaceous ghost made flesh

Staring into Dead end eyes No place to hide Theropodic annihilation

Teeth into flesh!

What the crew is experiencing on their homeworld thus far seems foreign, almost ancient. Through some curse of Einstenian logic have we zipped through a wormhole only to return to the distant past? "The Mooseriders" are about to challenge our assumptions about what's possible on this Rock.

Thundering hooves crack the sky Dark robed wizards appear in the light Travellers in ether descending Protectors of the realm

These are the oath-bound eternals -- interdimensional templars, if you will -- who have arrived at this precise moment in time to take on the Green King. Complex rhythmic drumming with precisely stricken odd beats, is accompanied by a hyperactive bass and progressive metal riffmaking. Together, the band conjures the trot and hustle of the approaching entourage. A wilding guitar heralds a message from the great protectors:

The hour draws near The endgame is nigh Divine prophecy Even death may die

The mood now turns stately. A brave theme is introduced and developed with dashing prowess. This track would fit perfectly into a playlist with Mastodon, Ape Cave, and Zirakzigil. I found Alex's vocal approach especially appropriate for the frantic depiction of "antlers clashing with steel" in this battle to the finish. "Even death...may...DIE!"

"Angel Eyes" greet us on the B-side, and it's not a cover of the Jerry Cantrell song (though that would have been unexpectedly awesome). No, the hard-charging mood and raspy vocals are pointing to something far more apocalyptic.

Hooves of burning coal Let loose upon the world

Return of the warlord Eternal fire scorches the earth

Heavenly gaze Order through chaos

At times Alex seems exasperated, practically out of breath, as he gives these dire words his all. It's a style the 10,000 Years frontman owns as well as his counterpart, Simon Ohlsson of Vokonis, who has a comparable vocal attack. A bass-fortified guitar establishes a second theme that adds a Wagnarian touch of high drama, and this ushers in the song's curtain fall.

If 10,000 Years is to be compared with High On Fire at all, the rumbling riffstorm "March Of The Ancient Queen" surely merits it (to say nothing of their mutual love of alternative histories).

Her royal blood Once ruled these lands Generations Buried by time Dynasty of dust Rise from the sands Rise from the dead The Green King's servant

March!

March Of The Ancient Queen - Single by 10,000 Years

That last lyric is uttered with the most blood-curdling all-caps conviction that I was immediately drawn into its sentiment, miming "Maaaaarrrrrch!" with my ugliest war face on every time it came up in the song. The NWOBHM-style finish is so deftly executed that it comes across as orchestral. 10,000 Years paint with big, bold strokes here.

"Prehuman Walls" is a welcome shift down, with its chugging "Bury Me In Smoke" tempo. You sludge fiends will find moments of Zen here, with riffs that bend and twist and saw 'neath the summer sun. The crew have chanced upon a temple of sorts, though not one made with human hands. Nothing seems to make sense here at all. It's like Area X from the film Annihilation (2017), where everything is a contortion of reality. Then the "truth settles in." This alien monstrosity, we find, bears the mark of the sinister Green King. We thought we'd escaped him, only to find that he both followed us and was here millenia before.

Unholy worship Feed the Green King Eyes pried open Sanity stripped away

At last, we reach the final track in our journey: "Dark Side Of The Earth". So many revelations have been made in this second chapter, so many loose ends that need to be tied off. Naturally, a third chapter must be written. "We must go back, set it right," deliberates an exasperated Albatross crew. "We must go back, whence we came."

Dimension walls broken down The fabric ripped and torn apart Thread the needle once again A journey of ten thousand years

We must go back, set it right We must go back, through the tears

Insanity the only way The dark side of the earth

Following these words, the song develops instrumentally and the mood gets quite emotional. I found myself drawing parallels between this "bastard version of earth" and our own, wondering if we ever can go back and make it right. For us, perhaps it should be about moving forward, for there is no golden age or better time to which we can return. We make this world a heaven or hell tomorrow by the choices made today.

The album was recorded by Tomas Skogsberg at Studio Sunlight. Totally diggin the awesomely swamp landscape that Francesco Bauso of Negative Crypt Artwork created. It reminds the five-year old me of Luke's sopping wet landing on Dagobah, though guitarist Alex Risberg says the band's more inspired by Planet of the Apes than by Star Wars.

The album will be released on June 25th as a special vinyl "Green King Edition" by Interstellar Smoke Records pre-order here), a cassette tape "Forest Edition" from Ogo Rekords (pre-order here) and "Swamp Edition" from Olde Magick Records pre-order here), with the digital and compact disc formats handled by Death Valley Records (pre-order here).

10,0000 Years have in II their most accomplished album to date, with powerful moments that will stay with you long after the record's stopped spinning. Fans of High On Fire, Black Tusk, and The Sword listen up! You might just discover your next favorite band.

Give ear...

10,000 Years - Gargantuan Forest (Music Video)

Some Buzz

Having previously played together in the original lineup of Swedish underground heavyweights Pike, Erik Palm (Guitars) and Alex Risberg (Bass/vocals) found their way back to each other, musically, in early 2020. The creative fire reignited and stoked to a burning inferno and through a mutual love of heavy riffs and thundering stoner rock, doom, and sludge metal, 10,000 Years was born. Finding a drummer would prove to be an easy task and with Espen Karlsen the final piece lay firmly in place. The groove they fell into during the first rehearsal hasn’t stopped rumbling since.

After spending the first-half of 2020 writing and rehearsing, 10,000 Years recorded their self-titled debut EP during one weekend in June in the legendary Studio Sunlight with equally legendary producer Tomas Skogsberg. The self-titled EP was released on July 10th and immediately struck a chord with the heavy underground worldwide, and 10,000 Years garnered rave reviews and accolades.

10,000 Years by 10,000 Years

10,000 Years' musical and lyrical world revolves around the tale of the terran class III exploration vessel Albatross and its mission to explore the Milky Way and nearby galaxies in search for a possible new home for humanity. The EP tells the tale of its first foray into space and what happens when the crew accidentally travel through a wormhole and end up in an adjacent dimension populated by ancient gods and giant beings, ruled by the Green King. The EP ends with “From Suns Beyond,” where the crew make it off from the strange planet, back out into space in search of a way back home. The new album picks up the story as the Albatross blasts through the atmosphere of a seemingly unknown planet and crashlands headfirst into strange new adventures.

II by 10,000 Years

Now, less than a year after their first release, 10,000 Years are back with their first full-length effort, aptly titled 'II' (2021). Picking up right where the EP left off, II continues the story of the ill-fated Albatross mission and its exploration of time and space through a skull-crushing mixture of stoner rock, doom, and sludge metal. The album will no doubt continue to build on 10,000 Years' already golden reputation and prove to be an even bigger hit with the heavy masses.

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Ranking All 49 One Piece Anime Arcs (Yes, Even The Filler)

  On July 7th, the long-awaited Wano arc of One Piece begins, and because we're about to jump into an arc that's been building up for eleven years, I think it's as good a time as any to rank all 49 of the arcs that we have already. And I'm going to include the filler arcs, too, because even though many of them can't really hold a candle to the main narrative, I think a few of them are quite underrated. 

  49. Buggy's Crew Adventures

    This isn't really an arc so much as a sigh of relief after the runaway train of emotion of the last few episodes of Arlong Park. You can laugh at Buggy for a bit after watching Nami's soul get ripped apart (and then put back together again).

48. Post Alabasta

    You know video game sidequests that are basically around to level up your specific partner characters so that they don't get immediately wiped out in boss fights? This is the anime filler arc version of that. It's fun, though.

47. Foxy's Return

    I loooooove Foxy and I looooove the Davy Back Fight arc. But Foxy's Return doesn't quite hit home. It might be because we last saw Foxy six episodes ago, but it truly speaks to Foxy's character that he'd try to make a grand, dramatic return after he got the crap kicked out of him so recently.  

46. Spa Island

    Foxy returns again in Spa Island, though this filler arc is mostly notable for the fact that Luffy uses Gear Third to split an artificial island in half. That alone wins this arc points.

45. Warship Island

    Warship Island isn't a bad filler arc, just a victim of poor placement. It comes right after Loguetown and right after the Straw Hats have each declared their dreams. So it becomes a pit stop arc, like the Straw Hat crew getting gas and snacks before they head out on the Grand Line.

44. Little East Blue

    I like to think of Little East Blue as a celebration of pre time skip One Piece, where the Straw Hats get (deservedly) celebrated for a bit. It's cute and it's a nice prologue to the Strong World movie. 

43. Z's Ambition

    The filler arcs that precede the movies are an odd bunch, as they tend to end with the main villain of the movie showing up in the last five minutes and declaring their plans. So it's hard to enjoy them on their own. That said, Z's Ambition has enough action that even if you don't watch Film Z (but you should, as it's great), you won't really mind the cliffhanger finale.

42. Straw Hat Separation

    After Kuma wiped out the crew, this batch of episodes shows where they all ended up. And it's mainly a montage of Straw Hats being confused. And don't get me wrong—the Straw Hats do confusion like nobody's business. But you get more out of their separation in the Post War arc when they finally get around to business. 

41. Diary of Koby-Meppo

    Koby is a character that has always deserved more time, so getting a few episodes devoted to him and Helmeppo training to be Marines is welcome. Also, my dude Garp shows up for the first time, which means that I've rewatched these two episodes FAR more than I should. 

40. Goat Island

    Goat Island doesn't feel as "classic" as G-8, nor is it as entertaining as Ocean's Dream. In fact, it's about as fluffy as the goats that appear in it. But a three episode arc where Chopper talks to goats and Luffy doesn't beat up a villain but rather causes him to get shipwrecked? I'm FOR it. 

  39. Chopper Man Special

    Chopper Man has Chopper in a cape. It's worth it for that. Please @ me. Chopper Man, you're my hero, and I hope you one day get a Chopper Man & Sogeking Save The Grand Line special.

  38. Romance Dawn

    Romance Dawn establishes a lot of things that will become classic tropes in One Piece: Going to a new island, meeting new crew members, helping out little kids, taking out a power hungry warlord, etc. It's a blueprint arc, and it works well as that. Sadly, the anime would not continue the "introduce a Straw Hat character with rad guitar" idea like they do with Zoro here. 

37. Orange Town

    The East Blue saga only gets better as it goes along, and Orange Town provides a nice counter to Romance Dawn. For example, if Axe-Hand Morgan represented the seriousness of the Marine threat in the last arc, then Buggy represents the other side of the villains that the Straw Hat Crew will encounter: cartoonish, loud, and beaten in a really fun way. 

36. Ruluka Island

    Ruluka Island feels like condensed One Piece, like you'd just add some water to turn this four episode arc into a twenty episode one. It's a nice arc to stretch your legs in before you go to the big themes of Jaya.

35. Ice Hunter

    Ice Hunter is neat because it gives every member of the Straw Hat crew a little time to shine in a story that is action-packed and intriguing. If you miss pre timeskip One Piece and haven't watched the Ice Hunter arc, give it a shot.

34. Marine Rookie

    I know that we're all eager to see the Straw Hats reunite in Wano, but if you want to see more of Whole Cake's Sanji Retrieval Team, the Marine Rookie arc makes for a solid bonus round. Also, the only reason it starts is because Luffy eats all of the Straw Hats' supplies, which, logically, should be the beginning of waaaaay more One Piece arcs.

33. Silver Mine

    If you didn't get enough Bartolomeo in Dressrosa, then surprise! They made a filler arc just for you. 

  32. Boss Luffy Specials

    You know when you fall asleep watching a show, and then you wake back up and, in your grogginess, suddenly whatever is on TV looks insane? That's what happened to me with Boss Luffy. I had just finished watching Ace's fight with Blackbeard and then, boom. I was out. Then I wake up and see the Straw Hats in 19th century Japan. The Boss Luffy stuff is fun, but I think it's best viewed when you're in a delirious half sleep. That's just my personal preference, though.

31. Caesar Retrieval

    Caesar made for a fine antagonist on Punk Hazard, but he's even better as shreiking deadweight that the Straw Hat Crew and Company have to keep alive. 

30. Little Garden

    Little Garden isn't as cool as Whisky Peak, nor does it provide the emotional gut punch of Drum Island. Instead, it's mainly here to further the theme of what it means to be a true warrior and introduce giants (and dinosaurs!) in the One Piece universe. It gives Usopp some of the character development that he needs and Zoro almost cuts off his own feet in an effort to keep fighting. Any arc that illustrates how hard Zoro goes gets at least one thumb up from me.

29. Loguetown

      Loguetown is a fun arc when you consider just how much it expands the scope of the world. Smoker and Tashigi truly begin the Navy's quest to stop the Straw Hats, Dragon gets introduced in a big, mysterious way, and Luffy takes a massive step in establishing himself in the realm of pirating. However, the Straw Hat side stories in the middle (aside from Zoro's awesome bit in the sword shop) slow it down a little. 

28. Zou

    Zou might be one of the most visually rich arcs in the series. From the massive elephant to the Mink tribe to the terror of Jack to more lessons about the poneglyphs, there's a lot shoved into this short span. And between the intense epics of Dressrosa and Whole Cake Island, it's fits nicely as 10 cc's of wonder and fantasy injected into the New World.  

27. Fishman Island

    Fishman Island occupies a weird spot. It's thematically heavy, but also serves as the action-packed Straw Hat Crew comeback tour. It needs to stand on its own, but it also caps off with a declaration of war against Big Mom, a villain that won't be encountered for years. In all, I feel that the importance of the Fishman Island arc is yet to be truly realized. 

26. Ocean's Dream

    One of the final two filler arcs on this list, Ocean's Dream seems like One Piece fan fiction in the best way. If you were dissatisfied with Luffy's fight with Zoro on Whisky Peak, you get another round of it here while Zoro is being mind controlled. 

25. Syrup Village

    If Romance Dawn and Orange Town were warm up laps, Syrup Village is when One Piece begins to break out in a sprint. The introduction of Usopp and the Going Merry make for some great moments and it's this arc that got me hooked on One Piece when I first started watching it. 

24. Dressrosa

    Dressrosa, for better (and sometimes for worse) is massive. Doflamingo is a threat that had been popping up since the Jaya arc, but because of Dressrosa's scope, his defeat can feel a little lackluster, especially when you consider that he's a pitstop on the road to Kaido. But Dressrosa introduces the endlessly cool Fujitora and the Straw Hats' big pirate alliance, and also gives us the dual backstories to Law and Doflamingo, neither of which disappoint. Also, Doflamingo's abilities lead to some of the coolest action scenes in the series. 

23. Return to Sabaody

    The post-timeskip starts with a bang, as the Return to Sabaody arc is both hilarious and thrilling. The Straw Hats get to show off their newfound strength as they do what they definitely couldn't do in the first Sabaody arc (easily knock out a Pacifista). And we also get to meet the Fake Straw Hat crew, which does a nice job of illuminating just how much the legend of the Straw Hats has grown since they were last together. 

22. Reverse Mountain

    One of the major strengths of One Piece is that it can accomplish three kinds of storytelling at once—giving us a narrative that is immediately satisying, giving us a narrative that will be satisfying in the near future, and giving us a narrative that will be satisfying in the long term. In the Reverse Mountain arc, we not only get a nice story about Laboon, but we also get introduced to Baroque Works (who will be the main antagonists of the saga), and also, we get hints that will only pay off when Brook is introduced years later. Reverse Mountain is short, but it also displays Eiichiro Oda's wonderful talent as a writer. 

21. Long Ring Long Land

    I've seen people on the internet say stuff like "WHEN I REACHED THE DAVY BACK FIGHT ARC, I NEARLY STOPPED READING!" and man, why? Quitting a series that you love because it slightly diverts from the hero fighting god-like enemies in order to participate in some fun games? Everyone has their own opinions, but your opinion of what fiction should be is wrong. That said, this arc is hilarious and great. 

20. Whisky Peak

    Whisky Peak is so cool. It's an anime arc with swagger, the kind that steps into a bar and buys everyone a round. I want to be friends with Whisky Peak but I know, deep down, that Whisky Peak is far too rad to be friends with me.

  19. Reverie

    The best thing about the Reverie arc is that it makes the world of One Piece a little more conveniently manageable (Oh neat. All of the major side characters get to hang out for a while), while also opening a can of worms (What's with the giant straw hat? WHAT'S WITH THE GIANT STRAW HAT?). Because this is the most recent arc, I don't know if we've seen the ripples that it will create across the One Piece world, but I sure am excited to.

  18. Post Enies Lobby

    This isn't the first time the Straw Hats have been forced to flee a place. However, this is the first time that it's felt like they'd be wiped out if they didn't. The return of Garp (and the spectre of the Yonko) throw the Straw Hats into all new territory, one where maybe being the plucky underdog team isn't enough to save them from the threats that come. Also, goofy Franky joins the team, which provides a nice counter-balance to the hints of oblivion. 

17. Punk Hazard

    Punk Hazard is home to one of my top 10 One Piece fights (Vergo vs Law & Smoker), features one of my favorite locations (an island that is half fire/magma and half ice/snow and home to an evil science base), and introduces a character that has only grown on me with time (Here's a hint on who he is: He laughs like "SHERURURURURURU SHERURURURURURU). It's kind of a prequel to Dressrosa, but in that spot, does a great job at furthering the menace of Doflamingo. 

16. Post War

      The introduction of Sabo aka Steampunk Ace aka I'm Just Kidding Sabo Is Kinda Cool and Luffy realizing that he has his crew to keep him going make the Post-War arc into a short but powerful cap to the pre-timeskip era. 

15. Amazon Lily

    Boa Hancock is a supremely underrated One Piece character, with a terribly sad backstory, amazing powers, and a hilarious crush on Luffy. And Amazon Lily helps further the major trend that will reach fever pitch in Dressrosa of Luffy amassing supporters because he's just such a dang ol' nice guy. Hopefully Hancock will one day meet Bartolomeo and together they will start a Luffy fan club and then argue over who gets to be President. 

14. Jaya

    If you were in the dark as to what the themes of One Piece are, here comes Jaya with a flashlight. This is basically a montage of the things that are important to the Straw Hat crew, and it introduces Blackbeard, a guy that will go from "Oh he seems interesting" to "OH I HATE HIM" over the next few hundred chapters. Luffy saying "Do I know how to throw a punch, you ask?" before absolutely walloping Bellamy still gives me goose bumps.

13. Thriller Bark

      There's so much good to Thriller Bark—the spooky atmosphere, the introduction of Brook, the underrated Gekko Moriah, the Binks' Sake song, the Straw Hats teaming up to face a giant zombie, etc. And just when you think it can't get any better, Kuma shows up and rocks the One Piece world. 

12. Impel Down

    Hey! It's Buggy! And Mr. 3! And Mr. 2! And Crocodile! And our new best boy Jinbe! And Ivankov! As both a launching point for new protagonists and a comeback for old foes (along with introducing Magellan, one of the best villains in the series, and Shiryu, one of the scariest villains in the series), Impel Down succeeds. I love it more and more with time.

11. Drum Island

    I've written an entire article about why the arc where we first meet Tony Tony Chopper makes me weep, so I'll try to be brief here. Drum Island is beautiful. It's the story of a little deer guy that couldn't find a place in the world and the loud rubber bro that gave him one. It's an arc about the price of dreams and the power of having someone stand up for you when you need it most. It's about love and respect and kindess. And now I'm about to cry again. THANKS A LOT, ONE PIECE.

10. Baratie

    The Baratie arc is the first hint that we'll get about how hectic the One Piece world is. We meet Sanji, we meet Don Krieg, and we meet Mihawk (and is stronger than the whole cast of the show combined at this point). Syrup Village is about leaving your comfort zones and Baratie is about finding a home in the chaos that follows. 

9. G-8

    The best One Piece filler arc and the One Piece arc that I most revisit (it's only 11 episodes, can you blame me?), G-8 is a One Piece Greatest Hits collection and possibly the first thing you should show someone if they want to get into One Piece but don't have long to do so. 

8. Alabasta

    Are the Straw Hats ready for the Grand Line? Are they ready to topple evil villains and protect those that need help? That's what Alabasta asks and the answer is "Oh yeah." Luffy punching Crocodile up through the center of the city is an iconic moment, showing us that the Straw Hats, whether they mean to be or not, are forces of good in the world. 

7. Marineford

    Marineford is loud and chaotic and powerful, forcing Luffy into a situation where he is simply an especially energetic pawn on the chessboard of battle. It's just as much of a rescue mission as it is a quest for survival for him, but in the midst of Whitebeard and the three admirals and the Shichibukai, Luffy makes his mark. However, he doesn't do it through displays of awe-inspiring force, but through his willpower. Aokiji is right when he says that Luffy isn't "ready for this stage yet," but the thing that scares the Navy most is that one day, he will be. 

6. Sabaody Archipelago

    This is not a happy arc. It's a satisfying one (Luffy punching the Celestial Dragon will never get old), and it's an illuminating one (Silver Rayleigh, y'all!), but it's not one that will end with cheering. Kizaru shows up to put an entire generation of pirates in their place and Kuma wipes out the Straw Hats. That said, even if it concludes with the most uncertain moment in the series, it's still a fun ride. 

5. Arlong Park

      Nami is the soul of the Straw Hat Crew, and learning what she's been through at the hands of the despicable Arlong is heart-breaking. But Luffy doesn't need to know every detail to know that he needs to help and the Straw Hats walking to Arlong Park is another one of those "One Piece is literally the best thing ever" moments. And by the end, every Straw Hat bro gets a victory, Luffy gets a bounty, and Nami gets her freedom. And what does she do with this freedom? She joins a ship full of dummies as their navigator. And I'm so happy about that. 

4. Enies Lobby

    For many, Enies Lobby is THE arc and I'm not disagreeing with them. It's such a display of raw emotion and exciting battles, a nonstop rollercoaster of everything that makes One Piece great. And it ends with a Viking funeral for the Going Merry, a scene that reveals Oda's true power as a writer: He makes you sob about a ship. 

3. Whole Cake Island

    If Enies Lobby is about being a hero, then Whole Cake Island is about letting that idea go. The Straw Hats can't beat Big Mom or her crew and will have to settle with getting Sanji and getting out. And Katakuri, the protective brother of the Charlotte family, learns that he doesn't have to be perfect all the time. It's a beautiful arc that shows that Oda is willing to play around with some of the pre-established ideas of One Piece.

2. Water 7

    Robin leaves. Usopp defects, Luffy is forced to do things that no captain wants to, and a villainous team shows up that seems unstoppable. Water 7 may be the first half of a story that continues with Enies Lobby, but I find it to be the better one (though not by much). It's an arc that constantly leaves you saying "Well, what else could go wrong?" and then something else does. And it's just so good.

1. Skypiea

    This is it. Everything good about One Piece, from the powerful villain (with a great weakness), to the touching themes, to enchanting locations, to the gripping adventures, is wrapped up in Skypiea. And while I have no problems with arcs being connected, there's just something about the standalone nature of Skypiea that leads me to regularly revisit it. It's an arc that makes me glad that I started this nearly 900 episode adventure in the first place. And that's the highest compliment that I can give.

  Want to make your own ranking? Then watch One Piece on Crunchyroll! It's literally the only way.

  What is your favorite One Piece arc? How do you feel about this ranking? Let us know in the comments!

    ------------------------

  Daniel Dockery is a writer and editor for Crunchyroll. He has a Twitter, where you can disagree with him. 

Do you love writing? Do you love anime? If you have an idea for a features story, pitch it to Crunchyroll Features!

By: news+feed@crunchyroll.com

[bazypitchandsimonsnow]

The Black Swan

Chapter 3

Rating: T

Genre: Fluff/Angst

Word count: 5408

Chapter: 3/17 (All chapters)

Summary: Simon hasn't found Baz again, and it's starting to get to him.

Read on AO3

AN: So to make it clear, I'm planning to update every Monday and every other Thursday. That may change based on mine and bookerella's schedules/work but that's the plan! So if you like this fic, that's the ideal schedule. Hope y'all enjoy chapter three :)

———————————————

Simon liked to be outside the castle when he could. David wanted him inside the castle most of the time, so he seized his freedom whenever possible.

He sat on a hill near the Mage’s School behind the castle. Leaning against a tree, dressed in a simple tunic, sketchbook on his propped up knees. His fingertips were tinted black from the charcoal. He kept trying to draw Baz’s face, trying to keep his image alive, but none of the pictures felt right. Many pages had been sacrificed on the altar of Simon’s artistic insecurity. First the eyes were too big, then too small, mouth too close to a smile then too much like a frown, cheekbones not sharp enough, hair not choppy and wavy enough. It never worked. It never looked like him.

Simon knew his memory was slipping. And he knew the only way to refresh his mental image lay hidden in the Forbidden Lands. But he still hadn't found him again.

It had been over a week since he had literally stumbled on the hidden lake and Baz. Over a week of trekking out into the dark woods and finding nothing. It was so strange that Simon had almost started to think it wasn’t real. A boy who lived in a hidden lake in the middle of the woods and turned into a swan? Insane. Improbable. Something from a time of fairy tales long passed in Watford. There were no more great magical mysteries in the land, not for centuries. Just magical lessons and magical wars and magical cleaning of kitchenware. Magic wasn’t a tool of cryptic things anymore.

But there was a boy, who turned into a swan, living in a hidden lake.

“Hello, Simon, how are you?” Simon jolted, head hitting the tree. He hissed and rubbed the sore spot. “Oh no, are you alright?”

Simon looked up at Ebb, her pale blonde hair shining in the sunlight like a halo, and smiled. “Yeah, Ebb, I’m fine.”

She sat next to Simon in front of the tree. Her staff sat across her lap as she placed a hand on Simon’s aching skull. Simon leaned a bit into the touch. He hadn’t received a lot of physical affection growing up, it was understandable. “I’m very sorry, darling.”

“It’s fine, Ebb. My head can take much worse.”

That made her frown, which made Simon frown. He didn’t like to upset Ebb. Or anyone for that matter. “Well, it shouldn’t take anything.” She looked down at his sketchbook. “What are you working on there?”

Simon sighed, forlornly gazing at the mess of charcoal smudges his latest page was becoming. “I don’t know. It was supposed to be...someone.” Simon didn’t know how to explain Baz. And frankly, he was too tired to try right now.

“Hm, well, you seem to be struggling.”

“Yeah. I keep fucking up and I hate it.”

“Oh don’t be like that, love, it’s fine.”

Simon looked up. Ebb was smiling genuinely, even if it was only a small smile. He smiled back. “Thanks, Ebb.”

They fell into silence. Ebb was watching her goats, making sure they didn’t go too far. If they did, she just mumbled a spell, waved her stick, and they turned back. Ebb practically breathed magic. She was as powerful if not more so than Simon. She didn’t know as much about stuff as Penny (no one did), but she might know something...

“Hey, Ebb,” he said, “do you know how to find someone who’s hidden? From like, everyone?”

Ebb’s pale eyebrows raised quite high. “That’s a bit of a strange question, Simon.”

“I know,” he groaned. “But, I keep looking and I can’t find anything. It seems hopeless. And I’m wondering if there’s no point.”

“Does this person want to be found?”

He shrugged up to his ears. “I’m not sure. So I just want to...check, I guess. Maybe see if he wants to see me. But I have to find him first and that hasn’t been successful.”

“Well, you’re working so hard, but why do you want find him?”

“Because-” Simon’s voice cut off. The words were on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t get them out. Because of a lot of things. Baz was strange, new, impossible, exciting, everything he heard at storytime as a kid. But it all came down to one thing, he guessed.  “Because, I want to learn more about him.”

“Hm, I see.” Ebb scratched her chin like a contemplative scholar. “Well, I’d say check out the royal library. There’s a whole shelf on location spells there.”

Simon jolted upright. “Really? A whole shelf?!”

Ebb nodded. “Yup. I remember seeing it back when I was in school. We were allowed to wander the library freely as students in the old palace. I bet there’s something in the new one you could use.”

Simon felt like an idiot. Of course, the library. He hadn’t even thought to look there, because David didn’t like anyone going in there except him or an occasional Mage’s School teacher. Simon had certainly been conditioned well to avoid it. Worse, Simon hadn’t even thought to use a spell. Magic with him was too unpredictable. But looking on foot certainly wasn’t working. Maybe magic was the only answer.

“I can try that, I gues. Though it won’t be easy.”

“Is it worth the trouble? To find him?”

Slowly, Simon nodded. “Yeah, I think so.”

Ebb put a friendly arm around his shoulders and patted him kindly. “Good. I’m sure you can do it. I believe in you, Simon”

Simon leaned against her. The scratchy wool of her sweater was comforting on his cheek. “Thanks, Ebb.”

“You’re very welcome.”

She put her head on top of his, and they sat together. Just watching Ebb’s goat herd graze while birds flew over head in the blue sky. Simon was more confident now in his quest, but right now he was tired and didn’t feel like moving. So he leaned into Ebb, because he liked physical affection, and because he liked her. It was easy to forget he was a prince with Ebb. She didn’t care for titles or great power, just for him.

He would start his adventure in a bit. After he sat with his friend for little awhile.

———————————————

“Why is nothing here bloody labelled?” Simon muttered, voice loud in the echoey room. There were no sections or markers telling him which books had which spells. Simon had always been given any books he needed, by David or Mage’s School. It was both a blessing and a current annoyance that he had never had to sort through this goddamn mess before.

The royal library made absolutely no sense to Simon. There didn’t seem to any real logic to how the books were sorted. They looked pretty, arranged in groups of similar colours, and that was about it. Simon wandered up and down the tall, ceiling reaching shelves, looking for a good spellbook. These were only the recent volumes though. The really old ones burned along with other flammable artifacts in the old castle fire. David claimed it was for the better anyway. Newer statement spells were better than the old complicated rituals, apparently.

Simon didn’t care. He just needed a goddamn locating spell.

He pulled a gold volume off the shelf and flipped through the pages. “Construction spells,” he whispered to himself. The scarlet volume next. “Medicinal herbs.” A green one with silver accents. “Fucking battle magic!”

“What are you doing, Simon?”

Simon jumped a few feet in the air. David was frowning only a few steps away. How did people keep sneaking up on him? Lack of sleep must be much more damaging than realised.

“Uh, hello...Father,” he said. “How are you?”

He crossed his arm over his broad chest. “Fine. Now tell me, what are you doing in here?”

Simon’s frantic brain scrambled for an excuse. It was bad enough he was in the library, where David usually didn’t want him. But he certainly didn’t want David to know about Baz. It would make him worry and yell. Simon didn’t want either of those.

“Um,” he drew out, “I think I’m weak on location spells, which are useful in battle when you lose a general right? But I can’t find a spellbook.”

David, thank God, didn’t get angry. He merely sighed and shook his head. “You’re in the wrong section for location spells. They’re two shelves over.”

Simon rubbed his neck. “Oh, sorry.”

The king turned on his heels. Simon scurried behind him with hands in his pockets. They turned a couple of shelves down and walked about six feet in. David plucked a medium sized black leather book off the shelf. He handed it to Simon.

“Here,” he said. “This has some very good location spells. Many varieties for you to practice.”

Simon took the book, hugging it to his chest. “Thank you.”

David nodded. Cautiously, obviously unsure, he placed a hand on Simon’s shoulder. The prince jolted slightly. Out of all the people Simon knew, David was the least willing to show any sort of physical affection. It was surprising to say the least.

“I’m glad you’re taking initiative, Simon. Commanding an army is an extremely important duty of a king. You’re doing well.”

Simon’s eyes went wide. He liked to impress David. Half his life was spent impressing David, But this felt wrong. He gulped down the nervous, guilty lump in his throat. “T-Thank you, Father.”

He patted one more time, nodded his crown graced head, and walked off. Simon let out a shaky sigh. He hated lying. But it was necessary right now. David wouldn’t understand about Baz. He’d think it was stupid and reckless. He wouldn’t see the quest part, just the irresponsibility. Simon would tell him, when this all made more sense and everything calmed down.

First of all, he had a lake to find.

———————————————

He stood on the edge of the forest, night air humid and muggy because of Watford’s southern climate. His sword and dagger were at his side, wand in hand. It felt strange to switch his tools. Simon’s wand, a beautiful piece of bone from some unknown animal, was a gift the day he was adopted. It had been an instrument of great frustration and destruction ever since.

Simon whispered the spell under his breath with no magic. It was a location spell that used a mental image as a catalyst. Simon just hoped his mental image wasn’t too degraded for the spell. He held up his wand, pointing it towards the Forbidden Lands, closed his eyes, and conjured Baz’s fuzzy face in his brain.

“Find for me what rests in my mind’s eye,” he shouted into the dark expanse.

His hand started shaking and shaimmering with his magic. But it didn’t move into his wand, where it was meant for the spell. Simon groaned.

“C’mon,” he grumbled. “C’mon, work. Please for once, work.” He groaned and threw his head back. “Work!”

And the magic rushed through his arm and into the wand. It heated up like it was in an inferno. Simon suddenly lurched forward with far more force than a location spell should have.

“What the-” His feet lifted from the ground, and he flew forward. “Shit!”

Simon hurtled through the air like a high speed bird. The whole world became a dark blur as his wand dragged him wherever it wanted him to go. He swung around trunks and through trees, branches smacking him over and over. He put his free arm up in a feeble attempt to protect his face. The wind whistled in his ears, leaves tangled in his hair, but his wand kept pulling him like the world’s fastest flying horse. He couldn’t let go but he couldn’t see either. There was a sudden dive down, and Simon crashed to a stop into a shallow pool of water.

“Ow,” he whined.

“What the everloving fuck?!”

Simon lifted his aching head. There was Baz, with his same sharp cheekbones and grey eyes and uneven black hair, just like Simon remembered. And he was scrambling back from Simon with a look of utter shock and horror.

“Hi again,” Simon said.

Baz blinks at him, jaw hanging open. “Holy shit, it’s you. Weird klutzy idiot.”

“Uh, well, it’s actually still just Simon. But yeah, it’s me.” Simon blinked the water and mud from his vision. His eyes focused better, and widened when he saw Baz’s torso. His bare, tan, muscular torso. “You’re...not wearing a shirt.”

It was hard to tell with his complexion, but Baz’s cheeks may have flushed slightly. He used his large book to cover himself as best he could. “It’s hot,” he snapped. “And I was just recently alone. You’re one to talk, you’re wearing half the forest.”

Simon ran a hand through his hair, shaking out all the twigs and leaves that got caught in his already wild curls. “Oh, yeah. Price of getting here.” He sat up on his knees, sublty slipping his wand in his trousers, entire front soaked and covered with mud, big smile on his face. “But I’m here. Hi.”

“Why are you here?” Baz asked with more horror than Simon would’ve liked.

Simon shrugged. “I, um, wanted to see you again.”

Baz’s thick brows furrowed. “You just...wanted to see me?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s it?”

“Uh-huh.”

“That really cannot be it.”

Simon shrugged, wet shirt riding up and clinging to his stomach. “I don’t know. We just, we didn’t get to talk a lot last time. But I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened. So, yeah, I wanted to come back, to see you.”

Baz blinked at him, grey eyes wide in utter disbelief. Both stayed frozen for awhile. “I honestly can’t tell,” he said slowly, “if you’re incredibly smart or incredibly stupid.”

He shrugged again. “Probably the second one, honestly.”

Baz sighed. He stood up, book still pressed to his chest, and turned around. Simon gazed at his muscular back for a moment before dropping his head in shame. Baz footsteps waned away, then paused. Simon let himself look up slightly just in time to see Baz throw on a long cotton tunic. He turned around with both hands on his bony hips. Simon scrambled to his feet and took a couple cautious steps forward. The boys stared at each other once more.

“You really shouldn’t be here,” Baz said, voice flat and emotionless.

Simon’s heart sank. He looked at the ground, feet shuffling in the dirt, fingers fiddling with the wet hem of his shirt. “Oh, okay. Do you want me to go?”

The other boy didn’t respond at first. But Simon was too worried to raise his head. “You can’t be here,” Baz sighed. “You’re not supposed to.”

That made Simon tense up. A tiny spark of hope ignited in him. He raised his eyes up slightly. Baz was obviously trying to look nonchalant, bored with this entire affair. But Simon saw that his thin lips were tense

“B-But, do you want me to go? It’s what you want? Yourself?” Simon asked quietly.

Baz seemed a bit shocked by the question. He leaned back slightly, like he’d been jostled. Simon recognised that reaction. He’d been the same when Cook Pritchard asked him if he wanted another serving, and when Simon said he wasn’t supposed to, she told him he could have more if he desired, “supposed to be damned.” It was the first time anyone cared what he wanted. Simon had a sneaking suspicion Baz was the same.

“That’s not what’s important,” Baz whispered. “No one is supposed to see me. I’m meant to be alone.”

Simon frowned. “But, do you want to be alone?”

Baz’s gaze narrowed, becoming grey slits. “Do you think if you keep repeating the same thing you’ll get a different answer?”

He shrugged for a third time. Baz rolled his eyes, sort of like how Penny did sometimes. Simon crossed his arm over his broad chest. “Are you eventually going to give me a real answer? Cause you’re not, you’re avoiding the question.”

Baz was slightly taken aback at Simon’s bluntness. Simon didn’t like this David style of non-answers and dodging. He wanted to know if this was all pointless. If Baz truly wanted his isolation, or if Simon could keep going on this adventure with him.

“I see,” Baz said smoothly. “So, if I ask you to leave, because I want you to, you’ll go?”

Simon nodded. “Yeah, definitely. Whatever you want, I’ll do. So do you want me to?”

Baz’s thin lips shifted back and forth. His long fingers tapped against his thigh rhythmically. Simon was so worried. He was ready to turn around and attempt to fly out, fueled on nervous energy alone. He wanted to stay, but not if Baz didn’t want him.

“Could you help me with something?” Baz asked. His expression was still calm, but Simon was excitedly on edge.

“Y-Yeah,” Simon said. “What is it?”

Baz lifted a long piece of his pretty black hair. “This looks atrocious. I’ve tried using sharpened sticks and failed miserably. But you’ve got that knife. Suppose you could fix it?” Simon chuckled. He couldn’t help it. Baz didn’t look amused, crossing his arms and scowling. “Fine, be like that. If you’re not going to be useful, leave.”

“Sorry, sorry, no,” Simon said over his giggles. “It’s fine, I’ll do it. I just, I didn’t expect a guy living in a cottage by a lake in the middle of nowhere to be so worried about his hair. It’s just, unexpected.”

Baz rolled his eyes, but the smallest smirk pulled at his mouth. It made Simon feel strangely relieved. “I like to look nice even when I’m on my own, sue me. Can you do it?”

Simon nodded vigorously. “Yeah, sure. I used to cut other kid’s hair, I’m pretty good.”

“Why did you cut other kid’s hair?”

Simon rubbed the back of his neck. He wasn’t sure how much of his past he wanted to disclose just yet, or how much Baz would want to hear. “Uh, they asked, like you. Who was I to refuse?”

Baz let out a scoffing chuckle. “How charitable. Well, if you have so much experience, I expect you not to completely destroy my hair, right?”

Simon hoped he didn’t look to nervous. He hoped not to fuck up Baz’s hair, but still, it had been awhile. “Don’t worry,” he said with only a minor tremor. “I’ll make you pretty and shit.”

“Big promises.” Baz scooped up his book and strolled past Simon. He sat next to the lake, cross legged with the tome once again spread out on his lap. Simon stood frozen in place. He had to admit he was a bit transfixed by Baz’s smooth movements. The swish of his hips, the wasy way he flipped his hair. Baz turned his head slightly, a sliver of playful deep sea grey showing. “Well? I’m waiting.”

Simon jolted, suddenly coming back to life. “R-Right.”

He scrambled forward, unsheathing his dagger as he went. Baz stayed still, calmly reading his enormous book. With shaky hands, Simon reached forward, fingers brushing just under Baz’s hair. It was soft, a lot softer than he expected. Last time he saw Baz, it was all very tangled. But maybe that was because it was just unkempt at the time, and in reality it was soft. Like a silk pillowcase.

“Are you just going to stand there?” Baz asked calmly, turning his page with a snap.

“No,” Simon muttered. “Gimme a second.” He went to his knees, a few respectful feet behind Baz’s back. But his heart was still beating like a rabbit’s even at this distance. He started on the left, with a long piece that went past his shoulders. He held it up to judge it’s length.

“Um, how long do you want it to be?” he asked

Baz still didn’t look up from his book. “I don’t care. Just even it out.”

“O-oh, okay.”

The shortest part of Baz’s hair just reached the bottom of his neck. That was a good length to start at, he guessed. Separating out a thin segment with a pincer grip at the bottom, he sliced a small section off. The black strands floated down onto the green grass. Simon let out a small sigh of relief. It had been awhile since he cut the other little kids’ hair at the orphanage. And he used scissors, not a dagger. He wasn’t going to tell Baz though. This was one shot to be near him, and he wasn’t going to end it prematurely.

Simon moved slowly around his hair, taking small piece by small piece. His hands stopped shaking after a bit. Though the tension was thicker than ice. Simon was still scared to get anywhere near Baz’s skin, for fear of making the other boy pull away. Baz was stiff and straight like a statue. He didn’t even look up from his book. Simon tried to read it over his shoulder, but the text was so small, and the book was far away. He sort of wanted to ask, to maybe break the tension. But Baz got mad at his questions last time. Best to proceed with caution.

“So, uh,” Simon said. “Can I ask you something?”

“No,” Baz replied immediately, shoulders tensing.

Simon deflated. “Oh, sorry. But, why not? I’m just confused.”

“Because,” he punctuated with a page snap. “Cutting my hair doesn’t mean you’re privy to private information about me.”

He frowned, even more confused than before. “Uh, I was just gonna ask what your book was about.”

Baz jolted, nearly making Simon cut out a sizable chunk of his hair. He turned his head, showing his graceful profile and suspicious grey eye. “That’s all?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?”

Simon shrugged. “I just, wanted to be sure I could ask question. You got pissed last time I asked stuff.”

Baz’s mouth tightened for a moment. “Because last time you asked about my...condition.”

It clicked into place quickly. Simon felt stupid for not seeing the connection. He thought Baz was just closed off and private. This made more sense. “Oh, right, yeah. Sorry. Uh, can I ask you stuff not about, that?” He did want to ask about ‘that’, of course, but there was no point if Baz wasn’t going to answer.

Baz turned back to his book so Simon couldn’t see his expression. “I’ll decide if I want to answer.”

That made a lot of tension fall away from Simon’s being. It was a door only slightly ajar, but a door nonetheless. He’d take whatever taste of mysterious adventure he could get.

“Okay,” he said slowly. “So, what’s your book about?”

“The nature of existence. How all creation may have come into being, why it happened, and the points of our lives and the order created by society.” Baz made a show of licking his long finger and flipping to the next page. “It’s an engaging read.”

Simon paused his hair styling. His brain needed a few extra seconds to catch up. “Huh, wow. That’s...a lot.”

“I like ‘a lot.’”

“I can see that. You always read heavy books? Is that what you like? Or do you think it makes you smarter?”

Baz scoffed. “You ask a lot of questions.”

Simon shrugged as he deftly sliced off another piece of raven hair. “I’m just curious.”

“I can see that. Feels unfair though.”

“Huh?”

“You’re asking all these questions of me. Shouldn’t I be able to ask you questions?”

Simon’s hair cutting faltered slightly. “I-I guess. If you want. I don’t think I’m very interesting.”

He couldn’t see his face, but Simon swore he could hear Baz’s smirk. “I doubt that.”

Simon once more faltered in his hair cutting. It would be a miracle if Baz’s hair didn’t end up even more of a mess than it already was. He cleared his throat and continued his work.

“Anything you wanna know?” Simon asked weakly.

Baz shifted his shoulders, the ghost of a shrug. Not unsure as much as contemplative. “Well, since you’re asking me about my book, what sort of books do you read?”

Simon actually shrugged. He’d been told he shrugged too much. “I don’t really read a lot of books.”

Baz sucked in a breath and turned his head. Simon really wanted him to stop doing that. “You don’t read?! Are you okay?”

“Uh, yeah, I’m fine. I just don’t read a lot.”

He shook his unequal black hair. “There’s something wrong with you.”

Simon chuckled. “Uh, yeah, definitely, but not because I don’t read a lot.”

“Well, do you read anything at all?”

“Some. I like fairy tales a lot. Y’know, tales of grand heroes and evil wizards and rescuing princesses from towers. That sort of thing.”

Baz’s face pinched together, both confused and slightly disgusted. “Isn’t that kid’s stuff?”

Simon shrugged again. “Kid’s stuff can still be good stuff.

“I suppose,” Baz grumbled. “I just don’t see the point in reading about things that never happened.”

“Cause it’s fun to imagine. Don’t you want to imagine being somewhere exciting and fun?”

Baz’s face went blank. It could only be described as emotionless and bored. Everything about him became closed off. He turned back to his book.

“Everyday,” he said under his breath, quiet enough that Simon knew he wasn’t supposed to hear.

Simon’s stomach sank. He felt like an idiot once again. He often wondered if he ever wouldn’t. It definitely wouldn't be anytime soon. “C-Can I ask you something now?” Simon asked.

“Sure,” Baz muttered.

“Um...” Simon chewed at his lip, trying not to fiddle with his knife so close to Baz’s hair. He decided to go with something simple. “What’s your favourite colour?”

Baz quietly chuckled, and Simon instantly felt relieved. “Going back to basics, I see?”

Simon shrugged for the third time. Maybe he did need to ration that motion. “It’s nice to know.”

“Very well,” Baz sighed. “I like green. And pink occasionally.”

“Hm, you’d look good in pink and green.”

Baz’s shoulders jolted with a small laugh. “Why thank you. Unfortunately all I have is brown.”

“I could bring you some colourful stuff.”

He waved dismissively. “It’s fine, I’ll live. My turn. Favourite animal?”

“Hmmm.” Simon twirled his knife in thought. He pointed it out when the idea popped into his brain. “Dragons, definitely dragons.”

Baz made a weird sort of scoffing noise. “Dragons aren’t real!”

“Yeah, but they’re still an animal. And they’re my favourite.”

“Very well,” he sighed. “I’ll take it. Your turn.”

Simon rummaged in his brain while also trying to fix Baz’s split end. “Um, favourite season?”

“Autumn. Preferred time of day?”

“Uh, daytime I guess, when it’s nice and sunny. Coolest thing you’ve seen in the woods?”

“Ivy so strong it crushed a centuries old tree. Worst story you ever read?”

“Some sad shit about a guy loving a girl who was married. Boring as fuck. He should’ve just moved on. Grossest food you’ve ever ate?”

“Worms. Nearly sicked up first time I ate one. Favourite music?”

“Old folk songs with fiddles. They’re fun to dance to.” Simon pulled back. “Oh. I’m done.”

Baz turned his head slightly, showing a bit of his face. “Done?”

“Y-You’re hair. I’m done.”

Baz nodded in acknowledgment. “I see. Shall I judge your work now?”

Simon nervously fiddled with his shirt hem, his knife, anything he could. “S-Sure.”

Baz snapped his book shut and leaned over the pond. Simon bent around to see better, catching the reflection in the water. His hair was still quite long for a bloke. But at least it was mostly even, the majority at the middle of his neck. A few stray strands chunks fell in front of his face in a lazy wave. Simon sort of liked that.

“Hm,” Baz exclaimed uhelpfully.

“Do you like it?” Simon’s voice was weak and nervous.

“Well, it’s better than before, I’ll say that.” Simon tried to not be disappointed by the lukewarm review. This wasn’t about him. It was about Baz, who looked slightly happier, the tiniest smile playing on his thin mouth. That was what mattered.

“Okay,” Simon said. “Glad it’s better.”

Baz nodded once. He reached into the pond and scooped some water. Miniature waterfalls fell between his long fingers. But he used what remained to slick back the stray parts of his hair. The style revealed a stark widow’s peak Simon had never noticed. Simon thought it looked a bit silly, but good. Baz somehow always looked good.

“There,” Baz said triumphantly. “Now I can see.”

Simon giggled. “Yeah, guess that’s sorta important.” He shifted his knees, looking at the lush green ground so he didn’t have to look at Baz. “Should...should I go now?”

There was no answer for awhile. Simon looked at his shuffling boots, focusing on the cracks and crevices rather than that storm in his gut. He wanted to stay, to learn more about Baz, to not have to go home, to continue his quest. But only if Baz let him.

“It’s my turn to ask a question, right?” Baz said, voice even and sure.

Simon’s head snapped up. The other boy kneeled in a completely neutral pose. Hands in his on his thighs, shoulders back, face flat and normal. Not exactly open but not guarded either. It was a small step, but a step all the same.

“Y-Yeah,” Simon replied. “It’s your turn.”

“Alright. Let me think of something.”

Simon sat cross legged a respectful distance away. Baz sat facing him, hands in lap. Simon stifled the grin that threatened to split his face apart. He didn’t want to seem overly eager. But he was. His life was finally exciting, something other than broken magic and duty. And he was far too excited.

———————————————

He was walking down a hallway. It was made of stone with very high ceilings. But the boy Simon saw through was very short. Maybe it was normal height and he was just small. The walls were covered in large portraits and red tapestries. But Simon couldn’t make out their details. He simply knew their shapes were present. The boy was uninterested in them, because he was a child. And he had somewhere to go. Simon wasn’t sure where. But in his mind, or maybe it was the boy’s mind, he heard, “Where’s Mum?” So he was looking for his mother. It was a foreign thought for Simon, another confirmation he was not himself.

The boy kept walking down the hallway. It seemed to stretch forever. Simon didn’t know if it was because he was small or because it was a dream. But he kept walking, looking at the banners and portraits as they stretched into infinity. He walked and walked and walk-

Was that smoke?

Simon turned around with the boy, just in time to see his previous path explode into flames. It rushed towards him. He screamed as he was thrown off his feet and engulfed by the inferno.

———————————————

Simon bolted up in bed with a gasp. His chest felt tight, skin prickly and muscles aching. When he exhaled, grey smoke came out as of his mouth. His heart immediately seized, remembering his last night in the orphanage all too well, and what happened to him after. Simon looked down at his shaking hands. They clutched the sheet in a death grip. The fabric was singed, slightly blackened and still smoking. Simon ripped his hands away, still glowing a bit in the dim light of early day.

He closed his eyes and breathed slowly, just like Penelope taught him. In, one two three, out, one two three, over and over in a steady rhythm. Soon his chest stopped hurting, his hands stopped shaking and glowing, and everything was alright. He wasn’t about to blow everything up. Simon opened his eyes once more.

Soft morning sunlight bled in through Simon’s open window. Dawn was approaching. He had tried to get some sleep after returning from Baz’s far too late. But he knew from his aching eyes that he’d barely slept a few hours. He still had to go to lessons though. Simon groaned and threw himself back on the bed. He didn’t understand how he could be so elated yet feel so shitty. What a night.

———————————————

AN: The "you're not wearing a shirt" is the closest we'll get to "you're wearing jeans!" in this fic haha. Hope you guys liked it. See you next Monday!

[ebenvt]

Introduction to Bacon & the Art of Living

The quest to understand how great bacon is made takes me around the world and through epic adventures. I tell the story by changing the setting from the 2000s to the late 1800s when much of the technology behind bacon curing was unraveled. I weave into the mix beautiful stories of Cape Town and use mostly my family as the other characters besides me and Oscar and Uncle Jeppe from Denmark, a good friend and someone to whom I owe much gratitude! A man who knows bacon! Most other characters have a real basis in history and I describe actual events and personal experiences set in a different historical context.

The cast I use to mould the story into is letters I wrote home during my travels.

Engaged to be Married

December 1892

Dear Dawie1,

What an amazing quest I embarked on with your support!  I tried to write to you every few weeks and keep you abreast of our progress, but it has not always been possible. I think back with great fondness to the meeting we had on Oscar’s farm where the company was founded.  Of everybody who was there, you were the only one to support our quest besides Anton.  I hope that life is settling into a rhythm for you in Los Angeles.

I think with great fondness of us growing up in Pretoria.  Yes, we thought we were men when we met, but we were only still boys.  We could spend an entire night just talking without ever getting tired of the discussion.  We had the best of times!  Together we learned about life and love!  I wrote to you a couple of months ago that I intend asking Minette to marry me.  I was in Calne at the Harris factory when I decided to come back to South Africa for a short break.  I have been growing ever closer to Minette and I wrote to you about the amazing time we had when she visited in Denmark.

I finally decided to ask her hand in marriage.  I now know what it is like to be around someone and enjoy their company insanely but never realise that you are falling in love with her!  That is what happened to me.  Julie Pickton, Kevin’s wife, had a real heart to heart with me in Peterborough.  Ever since I left for Calne I have been plotting to get away to Cape Town to make another dream come true and ask Minette to marry me.

Right now I am on a steamboat with Minette, en route back to London and from there to Calne.  How I wish that you could have been with us for our engagement.  I know America is very far!

My first week in Cape Town was hectic!  I wanted to spend as much time with Tristan and Lauren whom I have not seen for almost two years.  They have grown so much and are developing into the most amazing two human beings alive! In between everything, I met up with two old mountain friends of Minette and me, Tahir and Achmat.

I discussed the plan for our engagement with them and we set a date for Tuesday, 18 October 1982. (3)  They would meet Elmar, Juanita, Pieter Willem, Luani, Liam, Tristan, and Lauren at Kloof corner at the front of the mountain and hike up with Corridor Ravine to the spot where Minette and I would be waiting.  It was all a complete surprise for her.

I thought I had a lot of time to plan everything but this was not the case at all.  I had no time left!  If it hasn’t been for Tristan and Lauren I would not have finished everything in time.

The Pendant

In Cape Town, I commissioned the work on the design and production of an engagement pendant.  The company I used is freeRange JEWELS.  They assigned the most perceptive designer to our case, Dawn Bolton.  Her love for nature and for the indigenous tribes of southern Africa made her perfect for the job.

To use on the pendant, I chose words from the Korana language that describes Minette and my relationship.  Close to Parys on the Vaal River is a Korana village that I like visiting whenever I have a chance.  The Korana is a nomadic Khoe group and got their name from a chief called Kora (or Gora), who was the first leader of the Gorachouqua.  They are related to the Griqua who originated from a freed slave, Adam Kok.  He got burgher rights and a farm near the present Piketberg.  Here he founded a vigorously mixed community.  Some say that he was married to the daughter of the chief of a Khoikhoi (Khoe) clan, the Chariguriqua, during the 1750s. As he moved up from Piketberg to Little Namaqualand he attracted a following and by the 1790s the community moved to the Orange River and then eastwards along the bank.  The place where they finally settled became known as Griqualand West. The leader at this time was Cornelius who gathered a large number of Basters, some Khoikhoi and escaped slaves around him. (sahistory.org.za)

They are a very talented people!  The Korana, like the Khoe is semi-pastoral people who grow their own crops and keep cattle and sheep.  They live in villages and they used bricks for building and have an efficient method of government with a legislator. Their revenue sources are taxes, trading licenses, and fines. They printed their own currency in 1867.  The coins and notes had a limited circulation use and levies were paid with cattle, goats, sheep, and grain. (History of the Griqua)  The Griqua was free but for only a very limited time.  This is celebrated in astronomy with asteroids with a short lifespan being called Griqua.

This history is important to explain why I chose phrases from the Korana language for Minette’s pendant.  I selected a pendant because I remembered Minette had previously said that she wouldn’t be very keen on a ring. I wanted something which reflects her character who always identifies with the lowly and downtrodden of society.  Her spirit is bound to the earth – to what is beautiful and natural.  She is very careful to treat poor former slaves and the richest of our community exactly the same.  In this regard, she reminds me very much of the Korana.  It is this spirit that I learned from her which motivated me to visit the Korana village at the Vaal River as often as I could.  The story of Adam Kok and the kind of followers that he attracted beautifully reflects Minette’s spirit.  If we were alive in the time of Adam Kok I, I have no doubt that we would have joined them in their trek their own homeland.  I used their language on the pendant and planned to follow their tradition of courtship when I propose to her.  These I learned from the Korana people.

The reason why I chose a pendant is not only because Minette preferred it, but I saw it when I visited a Griqua village just South of Bloemfontein on the farm Wilhelmshöhe.  It was part of the farm Bruidegomspruit which was owned by the Griqua tribe.  Adam Kok III, who was the captain of the tribe, gave the farm to Johannes Witvoet as a wedding present.  The name Bruidegomspruit which literally means Bridegroom’s creek is in celebration of this event.   The farm was later bought from Witvoet by a missionary by the name of Friedrich Wilhelm Salzmann. It was Salzmann who divided the farm between his two sons, Carel and Martin, and so, part of the farm became Wilhelmshöhe. Martin  Salzmann built the original house in 1885.

There was a large Khoi community who once lived on the farm, the ruins of which are still visible to this day as well as the old stone kraals that were built by M.J. Salzmann (Snr.) in amongst the stone ruins where the Khoi people lived. It was here where I met a man wearing one of the coins that were minted in 1867 which gave me the idea of a pendant.  I attach photos of the ruins and the view they had from their homes.  The sheep they kept were fat tale sheep along with game from the area.

The other group that I, of course, interacted with a lot when I was riding transport, was the San or, as many people call them, the Bushman.  I selected 8 words that are important to Minette and I being, Family, Peace, Fire, Friendship, Marriage, Joy, Love, and Beauty. These I translated into the Bushman and Korana language to honour the hunter-gatherer people who roamed this land for millennia and the Griqua.

The words were placed around the image of an eland which I chose from a painting in a cave in Larinston, Barkley East. This is engraved on the one face of the pendant. The eland is a symbol of growth and spirituality in San culture.  It is their most sacred animal, often evoked at rites of passage for women and men and features in a wedding dance.

Dawn suggested that for the other side of the small disc, the Quiver Tree, which is indigenous to South Africa and known as ‘choje’ to the San people.  They hollowed branches out to use as a quiver for their arrows. Around this image she placed our names with the phrase, I love you, translated from Khoekhoe (Nama), a Khoisan language spoken in South Africa, Botswana and Namibia, by a bushman scholar from Namibia, Dr. Niklaas Fredericks.  Dr. Fredericks consulted with his tribe and got permission from the elders that we may use the two images.  They also checked the translation of the words and their spelling.

Will You Marry Me?

All was set for an amazing day.  The ruse I used to get Minette to go on the hike with me is that I told her that her sister’s son, Liam, is hiking up with Achmat from the other side which is easier and less tricky, to meet us on top. She has always wanted Liam to do the route with us and despite her initial reluctance for such a strenuous hike she agreed quite excitedly.  She was convinced the great surprise was that we will meet Liam on top.

On the 18th of October 2018 (3), we hiked the Suikerbossie route from Hout Bay, and halfway with the ascent towards the mid-way point I stopped and picked up a stick.  In the tradition of the Korana people, I broke the stick in two and asked Minette to marry me while I explain the Korana tradition.  I did this as we were ascending a very steep hill on top of the mountain.   Minette thought I was telling a story, as I often do, and remarked that it was a nice story and that we must press on.  She was concerned about Liam and Achmat being alone on the mountain. For a second I wondered what on earth I was to do now.  I tried again.  “Will you marry me?” I asked her again.  Slowly but surely the reality of what I am doing dawned on her.   She was completely taken by surprise. When she said yes, I handed her the one half of the stick and kept the other half.  We completed the short distance to the midway point where we sat down and I gave her the necklace with the Eland/Quiver-tree pendant.

I served her coffee, an act that was also inspired by a Korana tradition.  The young man would ask the mother of his bride-to-be, if he could marry her daughter, in the presence of her father.  If she agreed, he would return to his home where his own mother would give him coffee.  He would return to his fiance’s family where he would serve them the coffee as a sign that his own mom agrees to the union.

Minette and I had just finished our coffee when our two mountain guide friends, Taahir and Achmat arrived.  The first thing she knew about the visitors was when her sister appeared through a hole in the rock. Minette exploded with excitement!   Completely unbeknown to Minette, at 5:00 that morning, Achmat Jackson and Taahir Osman guided a small party of family onto the top of Table Mountain, and joined the Suikerbossie trail. This small party was made up of my brother, Elmar and his son, Pieter-Willem, Minette’s sister, Luani and her son Liam, as well as you two.

When we all settled down I recounted how I proposed to her and that she had accepted, and I further explained the symbolism of the pendant, the breaking of the stick, and the coffee.  Each person was given a mug, on which we had printed the pendant designs on each side, and each person’s name. I served the rest of the group coffee, and we drank together.

Fanie, Luani’s husband, graciously offered to stay home with Luan, her second son, who is still too small for such a serious treck.  On the way back we went past Tranquility cracks.  We delayed here and soaked in the magic of this amazing place.  It was an amazing gift we could give our guests who don’t make it onto the mountain and Tranquility Cracks is as special as it gets on top of Table Mountain.   It was all in all the most magical time imaginable.   When everybody eventually made it off the mountain, the celebrations continued at Klein Constantia wine farm.

Tristan and Lauren were magnificent and made the day possible.  All the preparations were done by them and without their involvement, this would not have been possible.  Johann and Julie attended as did Oscar and Trudie.

The Art of Living

The basis of our quest to understand and make the best bacon on earth is seated in family and love and great friendship. As we did during the wedding, so I will do now and not speak about business or bacon, but can this really be separated?  Is bacon not the supreme example of how life is lived.  One small discovery at a time! Loads of hard work. Luck! Serendipity! Commitment! And love!  In the end, it all merges together into a beautiful relationship, as all the hard work we put into bacon will one day bloom into what is the best bacon on earth!

Everything I am learning about bacon culminates in a delicious delicacy and like discovering the art of bacon, our friendship and love culminated into what is nothing less than a mountain peak of our existence – such as what Minette and I experienced on Table Mountain with family and friends.  We celebrated deep into the night on a beautiful wine farm.  So, the story of bacon and the art of living merge into one.

I am blessed to have you as my friend, Dawie en even though you were not here, still, your spirit soared with us over mountain tops.  With my brothers and their wives and family; Luani, Fanie, Liam, and Luan; Minette’s mom and dad;  My mom and dad, the amazing and beautiful Tristan and Lauren, together with my most precious friend, you Mr. Dawie Hyman, we embrace life and all the good it has to offer.

Most of all, in this letter I celebrate my beautiful fiance.  As we sail towards England, Minette is with me and I am insanely excited to introduce her to John Harris and the many friends I made in Calne; Michael and to Kevin and Julie Pickton and their family; to Lord Landsdown and his family and the beautiful people of Bowood. It all leaves me speechless and a bit afraid because I know I must find a way to do even better when it comes to our wedding! I, like you, am a firm believer that if one is going to do something, we may just as well do it excellently! For this, I trust the spirit of bacon to take us on many more adventures among which will be our wedding!  Life will show me the way and I can hardly wait to see what is installed for us!

I am planning to visit you when I am done in Calne.  I will love it if Minette can join me!  Maybe we sail for America after England!  In America, there is much to learn and we have a lot of catching up to do.

The warmest greetings from Cape Town,

Your friends,

Eben and Minette!

(c) eben van tonder

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Notes

(1) Dawie Hyman

(2)  Elmar and Juanita is my brother and sister-in-law.

(3)  The actual date was 11th of March 2018

Reference

https://www.sahistory.org.za/article/kora

https://www.sahistory.org.za/article/griqua-community

Trench, William Steuart, 1869, Realities of Irish Life, London, Longmans, Green, and co.

“History of the Griqua”. Griqua Royal House. Retrieved 8 December 2017.

Photo References

Griqua with coin around his neck:  Scott Balson, Children of the Mist

Chapter 09.10: Engaged to be Married Introduction to Bacon & the Art of Living The quest to understand how great bacon is made takes me around the world and through epic adventures.

[adventuresindakar]

Leaning into the village.

On the first day of 2017 two of the people I love most in the world had a baby boy.  He was a “surprise” an unplanned arrival, years after they had finished having kids.  2016 is was a rough year for the world, but it was a particularly difficult one for their extended family so the arrival of this beautiful, healthy, baby boy was a joyful and auspicious start to 2017.  I did what people do when they are thousands of miles away, i cooed over his sweet, slightly stunned, red faced newborn photo his proud parents posted to facebook and then I wrote a message on his mama’s wall:  Welcome to the world! 

Welcome to the world. 

Its a phrase we bandy about so cavalierly when babies are born, but this time it caught in my throat a bit. Its a big deal, the biggest deal there is, to welcome someone to life as a human being on this planet, and all that entails.  All the joy and pain and disappointment and challenge and delight and frustration and complexity and simple pleasure of life as a human on this planet.  And only slightly less of a big deal is to be a parent of one of those newly formed humans who is responsible for guiding them through the first 20 or so odd years of life on that planet, hoping somehow that you will keep them in basically one piece and teach them to be polite and to tie their shoes and pee in the toilet and also respect their fellow human beings and love unconditionally and eat a balanced diet and meet their potential and not write on the furniture. 

Parenting is impossible. 

I know that people who are not parents get really sick of people who are parents being all dramatic and precious about their job of raising sticky little people and how hard it is and how exhausting and yet so Worth. It.  Non-parents, I assume, want to take all of us parents by the shoulders and say “first of all, you are NOT the first people to ever be parents, humans all over the planet have been doing this literally since the dawn of human existence and, secondly, you CHOSE this path so stop whining about it and let me get back to my kid-free brunch and quiet reading time.”

I really don’t blame them for feeling that way.  Even I get sick of the constant blather about parenting - but what non-parents have to understand is that, for most of us, parenting is overwhelming and bewildering in ways that were totally unexpected, but due to the exhaustion and extreme distraction we don’t get much time to reflect on this notion and thus fall back on comparing eating habits and fretting about potty training and debating endlessly about the best way to get our kid to sleep better at night.  (parents are obsessed with sleep.  All of us are certain that most of our problems would be solved if we could just get a friggin night’s sleep)

To make things even worse, parenting has become something of a competitive sport in America, especially among east-coast educated progressives who are all nauseating know-it-alls and hell bent do-gooders.  Armed with statistics and advice from parenting blogs, moms and dads volley healthy snacks and perfectly timed naps at each other with lightening speed, one upping with references to "restorative justice” or NYT articles about the pros and cons of co-sleeping   DC is an especially competitive parenting league, as it is chock full of (mostly) women who are professionals and would prefer to be working, but are being dragged to DC with their spouses for a relatively temporary assignment, and decide to be a SAHP for a while until their kids are in school.  These (mostly, but not entirely) moms pour the same level of professionalism and expertise into their children as they did into their high-powered careers, and the result is dizzying.  

In the months before we moved to Dakar I didn’t work and got to play quite a bit of rec league “parentball”, and like most sports, discovered out I wasn’t very good at it.  I was at once awed and shamed and morbidly fascinated by these perfectly turned out moms with their snacks and sunscreen.  Whereas my diaper bag was mostly a repository for used kleenex, melted crayons and mysterious food bits, the professional moms at the parks in my neighborhood had  handbags that seemed to be made from the same material as Harry Potter’s tent - no matter what the situation called for - a fresh pair of pants, a parka, a towel, a thermos of soup -  it was pulled at once from the depths of the bag.  While Enzo roamed around the splash pad in just a swimming suit (and maybe a swim diaper if I was having a good, day)  the other kids had sunproof swim shirts and zinc on their noses and sturdy water shoes.  I would inwardly sigh and put a mental check in the “crappy mom” column in my brain.  

I have to admit, I rarely felt overtly judged by the moms around me.  Occasionally i would catch a side eye, some shade thrown from across the swing set,  but it began to dawn on me that most moms were just desperately trying to prove that THEY were good moms, not that I was a bad one.  I wanted to say “you’re doing great! This is hard! If I pick your kid up after she falls off the slide, its not a referendum on you as a person, I was just handy and I am a teacher and it is second nature to me.”  I had the urge to start conversations with “Hey, my kid sleeps on his stomach and started drinking chocolate milk when he was 18 months old” just to clear the air.  But I was too insecure, there were too many check marks accumulating in my crappy mom column, and a particularly nasty inner voice was beginning to wonder aloud if perhaps I wasn’t cut out for this mommy business.

And then we moved overseas. 

 When we arrived in Dakar we had one adorably precocious two year old and vague plans to have another one in a year or two.  We didn’t know that I was already pregnant with what would eventually become our sweet little rascal, Mateo.  When I found out I was pregnant I was not immediately overjoyed, i was in despair - we were still living out of suitcases, I was tired and grieving the loss of the life I knew and bewildered about how to help Enzo manage the transition to this strange new world.   I was mentally exhausted from spending all day trying to speak French, and physically exhausted from the heat and mosquitoes cutting into our sleep, and emotionally exhausted from the impossible task of making a home in this dusty place, and I was in no shape to bring another person into our family.  After a couple days I unpacked my big girl panties and pulled myself together and got busy finding a home and working at the school and slowly began to embrace the idea of another tiny person in our lives.  But I couldn’t shake those check marks, the tally that added up to me being insufficient, and I wondered how I was going to parent another child when I was so far behind the learning curve.

Allow me to take a little detour from my story here.

I have always been aware that I am not a great driver.  I have never gotten into a catastrophic accident, but still, my wandering mind, poor hand eye coordination and slow reflexes mean that I am a mediocre driver at best.  Or at least that is what I used to think.  The truth is, I am not a bad driver, I was just born to drive in Africa.  Your mind can’t wander when there are horse drawn carts, goats, aggressive taxis, giant busses, potholes, reckless pedestrians and the occasional industrial dump truck to contend with.  And because the lanes are narrow and packed no one is going very fast, so my reflexes have ample time to fire up before I am going to go skidding into the car in front of me.  Traffic rules are optional, you can park your car anywhere you feel like stopping, lanes are just suggestions, and when backing out of a parking spot into oncoming traffic there is always a parking attendant ready to stand in your blind spot and wave you out into the street.  I love it.  (I am pretty sure my passengers aren’t nearly as enamored with my driving as I am) 

This is basically how I feel about parenting too.  I am not a bad parent at all, in fact I am a totally kick-ass mom.  As long as I am parenting in Dakar where the rules are flexible, you can take your kids anywhere, and there are always people ready to help you out of a jam. Maybe its because living overseas you learn to take things in stride and reorganize your priorities, or perhaps its the fact that people who choose to live their lives abroad are generally a bunch of freewheeling bohemians, but whatever the reason, parents here are an incredibly relaxed, supportive and non-judgemental group of people.  I love it.  

For example: I regularly leave my boys in the car when I run into the bakery or to the ATM or hop out at the vegetable stand.  I leave the doors locked and the windows open and I can always see them from the store and its never for more than a 5 minutes, but dragging two kids out of the car and through the sidewalk traffic just so I can buy a loaf of bread is insane.  The first time I did it because both kids were asleep, and I HAD to get water.  But now I do it as a matter of routine.

In the US this could get me arrested. 

Which is dumb, because it is objectively safer to leave your kids IN the car than drag them across a busy parking lot.  And the chances of someone breaking into your car and stealing them is infinitesimally small.  And all of us spent hours and hours sitting in the car on weekend mornings while our parent’s ran errands - a few minutes at the store and then at the bank and then at the post office-most of the time we were happy not to go in and stand in line.  I much preferred to wait in the car with my book.  My parents were not worried that a stranger would come by, see me in the car, assume my parents were negligent and abusive and then call the cops.  But now, it is a genuine fear - I don’t trust my neighbors to be on my side, they have become the enemy in my quest to raise my kids. My generation has found other means of supporting each other - online communities and MOPS groups and structured playdates - but there is not a sense that we can rely on our neighbors and community members to have our backs.  it is a lonely and terrifying feeling. 

The phrase “It takes a village to raise a child” has long been bandied about as an “African proverb” - which is kind of a silly notion considering there are upwards of 1500 languages spoken on this massive continent. But regardless of the origins of the phrase, it is a truism about how children are viewed here.  It is a common understanding that everyone within earshot is tacitly responsible for any kids nearby - on the street, in a store, in a restaurant.  And our community of teachers who live on this street are neighbors in the best way - sharing food and kitchen appliances and a helping hand at a moments notice. 

And in this year where I have been alone so much of the time, I have leaned on this village of understanding and generous people many many times.  There was the time at Halloween when I was trying to wrangle two overstimulated and exhausted kids out of Ebbets Field and into the busy night time streets when Mateo suddenly dropped to the ground, in a complete meltdown and I lost Enzo in the rush of people leaving.  A colleague who happened to be behind me scooped up Mateo, a different friend stopped Enzo before he got to the street and a THIRD person, who had just pulled his car up to the gate,  offered to drive him so I only had to lug one kid through the heat to my car.  Once, when I ran out of water I called my friend, Torie, who lives across the street to ask her if she would be willing to come sit in my house while one kid was asleep and the other was watching TV so I could run out and buy water.  She readily agreed, and when I got home (30 minutes later, because of course I had to go to two stores) she was washing my dishes.  Adam and Kayla, who live across the street, host Enzo for a few minutes every week when he chugs over to their house to pick up our weekly yogurt delivery.  He plays with their dogs and helps himself to their food and they are incredibly kind and good humored about it. One day, when it was raining cats and dogs, he was there for more than an hour - I finally dashed over to collect him only to discover that he had nearly talked Kayla into making him lunch. 

This weekend our friends Bill and Cairn (two of our favorite members of the parenting village) asked what we were going to miss the most in Dakar, what we were most worried about moving back to the US.  The number one top of my list item is returning to the world of competitive parenting, of being afraid to ask my neighbors to help, of getting caught up in the madness of shutting kids to “activities” and forgetting to just let them be, of constantly failing to live up to this invisible standard and letting that nasty voice back into my head, the one that tells me that I am not enough.  Instead I need embrace that notion, of course I am not enough, no one is, and the important thing is to find the people who will help you fill in the gaps, and whose gaps you can help to fill as well.  To find the village.  

[gaiatheorist]

“I’m fine.”

Girl on the Net, I adore her work, it’s usually the erotica that gives me the “Oh, Gods, we are the SAME person!” shivers, but her serious ones often resonate, too. Slouching about the house at 3am, after putting myself to bed straight after dinner, I read this one. 

https://www.girlonthenet.com/2019/07/22/woman-says-im-fine/

HELL, yes. GOTN covers most of my thoughts, I just have the additional angle of disabilities and long-term health conditions to confuse the issue as well. (GOTN also has long-term health conditions.)

There’s the tired old joke, that when a woman says she’s fine, what she’s actually doing is setting up some sort of Indiana Jones booby-trapped quest, and I’m half-smiling at the subtle intonation some people use on ‘fine’. (Cliche, but ‘married men’ know the one I mean.

I say I’m fine, or OK, when I’m not. I do it a lot, for a lot of the reasons GOTN lists. There are some people I don’t want to worry, with how not-fine I am, when my son comes downstairs, the first thing he’ll do is ask me if I’m alright. It’s painfully obvious that I’m not, but I’ll say I am, it’s more a routine than an intentionally rhetorical question. I’m not alright, I’ve had one medication change this month, and I’m about to start the next phase. “It will likely be worse for a while, before you feel any improvement.” is what the Neurologist said. What he wrote was “Fortnightly increases of 10mg, until dosage of 70mg, or side-effects become intolerable.” It’s going to be a ‘fun’ 14 weeks, or however-long it takes to reach ‘intolerable.’ (I’m already intolerable.) Sometimes, I do tell him I’m not-alright, more often than not, I show him. “Bastard OUCH!” when I have a pain-spike, or a nauseating wave of vertigo, and the old/new indicator that I’m not-alright, of buggering off to bed, because I just can’t process being around him. 

The ex, and the ex-father-in-law auto-pilot ask if I’m OK when they pick up, or drop off the boy. Neither of them actually want an answer, it doesn’t matter whether I say ‘Yes.’, or ‘No.’, they both proceed-to-next-statement, about some distant relative being in hospital, or holiday plans, or something else that’s of no relevance. They’re an inconvenience, as is the fact that the boy is NEVER ready when they arrive, leading to even more infinite-minutes of awkwardness. The ex is a little more attuned, he’s mostly-stopped picking the boy up, and, when he drops him off, he always has something he needs to rush back to, so he’s not here for long. 

The British brush-off is part of it, too. “Mustn’t grumble!” (Except in the case of pensioners on public transport, they DO grumble.) I’m smirking again, I have an appointment with my GP this morning, and there’ll be a lot of entirely pointless “Are you well?” mouth-flapping in the waiting-room. “Yes, Agnes, I’m tip-top, I’m only sitting in the doctors waiting-room on the off-chance that someone’s unsupervised toddler might wipe their nose on my knee. You?” I did once have a conversation in there that probably shocked the eavesdropping pensioners, the mother of one of the boy’s old school-friends was sitting next to me, and the “What are you here for?” was brutal. I’ve had a brain haemorrhage, and she’d had a heart attack. We’re in our 40s. 

For the most part, “I’m fine.” is a shut-down, for a multitude of reasons. There are very few people who genuinely want a response, and fewer still who need the honest answer. The superficial brush-off is a big part of it, we’re conditioned to respond “Fine, you?” when someone asks how we are. (Cut to Monty Python, “It’s a mere flesh wound!”) 90% of people asking if you’re OK don’t want an answer, and some of the remainder just want you to ask if they’re OK, so they can bore your ears off with how they’re not, or how they’ve never felt better since the new goat-juice-yoga-knitting regime. 

‘Fixers’, I can’t deal with them. I’m not special, or unique, but I do have a complex range of overlapping medical conditions, I don’t CARE what your Uncle Albert managed to do after his stroke, with the power of positive thinking. I’m incredibly reductive when it comes to my own health, I was raised on “It’s not broken if you can bend it!” and “Have you had a poo?” I’d go even more insane than I already am if I stopped and worried about every new niggle or ache. I attempt to rationalise and explain the fact that I’m constantly a bit ‘off.’ I have bits of metal sitting in my brain, which was quite badly crushed four years ago. I’ve had a succession of life-changing events in the last decade. DWP have me over a barrel. It’s a lot to process, so, yes, “I’m fine.” is easier than attempting to explain why I’m not. (There appear to be two stock responses to admitting I’m not-OK, “Oh GOD! I don’t know how you cope!”, and “Wow, you were really lucky!”) 

I’m emotionally avoidant, I don’t engage with most-people, and then, when I do, I have a tendency to worry that I’m worrying them, which leads to my shutting down, or pushing away protective mechanisms. (Which are further complicated by the medication, and my erratic sleep-pattern, the next phase of medication does cause drowsiness, so I might be able to use it to chemically adjust my day/night?) 

I’m being 99.9% open and honest with the psychologist, there’s only one fragment of my life I won’t discuss with him. I can admit to him that I’m not-fine, that’s the point of him. Similarly with the ‘Well-being Coach’ from Social Prescribing, she’s not being invasive or dismissive when she checks my pain-levels, if I over-reach, I’ll end up hurting myself. My GP is adorable, so I will let him know that I’ve been a bit off recently.

For the most part, “I’m fine.” is enough for most people. It’s a constant judgement-call as to who needs any more than that. I minimise engagement with other people, to avoid awkwardness, I’ve never been very people-y, and the sensory overload is difficult to mask, ‘normal’ environments are exhausting. I’m ‘supposed to’ get out more, engage more, because of the fabled ‘epidemic of loneliness’, but on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, I don’t feel the need for the ‘sense of belonging’ section. After the brain haemorrhage, a lot of people threw out the phrase “We thought we were going to lose you.”, and there was an almighty row with the ex at one point. “You can’t ‘lose’’ me, I don’t belong to you, I’m a person, not a suitcase.” 

Onwards. I need to work through these interventions and medications, in the hope of finding some sort of balance. Meanwhile, there’s been a cock-up with my OU registration, my utilities tariff needs sorting, and I’m walking on eggshells around my son. I’m overwhelmed, on essential functions only, with the sword of Damocles of DWP hanging over me, proving to Universal Credit that I’m ‘preparing for work in the future’, and knowing that PIP will probably decline renewal of my disability benefit. Why would they decline it? Obviously, because I keep telling people I’m fine.    

[breegullbeakreviews]

Summary: When Hat Kid’s collection of magical time pieces ends up strewn across a planet full of deplorable begins, she’ll set out of a quest to take back these powerful pieces before they fall into the wrong hands in a 3D platforming adventure.

Overall: A Hat in Time is a fantastic love letter to the 3D Platformers of old. It’s full of fresh ideas and unlike many other attempts to bring back the genre this year, it knows what worked and what didn’t about the genre and accounted for it. At $30 it’s the best 3D platformer on the PS4 and Xbox One(Banjo Kazooie excluded) and is totally worth the price tag.

*Like with Yooka Laylee, I was a Kick Starter backer of the project backing at the $70 tier and spending an extra $20 to get a PS4 code. 

Controls: While inspired by classics like Banjo Kazooie and Super Mario 64, Hat Kid’s moveset is not particular inspired by either. Hat Kid has no triple jump, but she can do a second jump while in the air as well as a dive. Unlike either the bear, the bird, or the former plumber, Hat Kid will run up a wall when she hits one while not diving and in the air. This allows for some interesting platforming. Instead of always jumping straight across platforms occasionally you’ll need to drop under a barricade, dive and then run up the wall instead.

Hat kid can dive at foes while airborne with a homing attack, but she’ll also get a melee attack early on. Hat kid’s main quirk is her collection of unlockable hats. I don’t want to spoil them all as they’re a lot of fun, but her starting hat will show you your objective when you press L2 or its equivalent on your platform of choice. The first two hats you’ll unlock all for faster movement and a throw able explosive. Switching between hats is rather funny as a gimmick in a world post Odyssey, but this gimmick was planned well in advance of Mario’s return to open world adventures.

Hub: Hat Kid’s ship is a nice hub. It feels like a functional place and it’s just large enough to hold the games 4 chapters and the final showdown. The biggest issue for me is a nitpick, but its shape from the outside is pretty ugly. It isn’t seen from the outside outside of cut scenes, but when it is it’s not a particularly flattering design. Inside is what counts though and while not massive and as memorable as the classics, small and simple works a lot better than Mario’s lack thereof and Yooka Laylee’s mess.

Time Rifts/Customization/Relics: These next three things all are pretty linked. Time Rifts are A Hat in Time’s equivalent to Super Mario Sunshine’s Bonus stages. Hell they even have similar rotating blocks with pegs coming out. You are never stripped of powers when entering these, but four of these are extra special. Before I touch on those we need to cover the Relics. Hidden throughout the game are presents holding Relics and after all of those are collected they hold Rift coins, but we’ll get back to those. These Relics can be combined on platforms in the proper order to not only decorate the Hub, but they’ll also unlock an extra Rift for each chapter.

These Rifts are based around the chapters theme and are much longer. In these as opposed to just reaching the end of the rift, you’ll need to collect special tickets in each area and enough special pons to open the next area as you make your way to the end. These help break up the game as they are the few moments where the game can ignore how a challenge fits into the chapter’s world design and go nuts.

Back to those coins. When you complete a rift or spend three of those coins you get new to spin for new color schemes for Hat kid’s outfit or different appearances for the game’s hats. You get 3 spins each time but you can only take one things. Basically you spin, take what you got or spin again and give up that item unless you roll it again. I have no idea if you can get every customization option in the game, but you can’t spend money to get more coins so I’m fine with this system. I wish it was just the different hats though. I preferred those to the color scheme changes.

Mafia Town: Way back in the day A Hat in Time was sold to me on just this chapter and the promise of a return of 3D Platforming. Mafia Town is the first of four chapters in the game, and it’s incredible how it feels lived in and is still fun to explore. As part of the games narrative you are locked to this chapter for its first four acts before you can head out and explore the other chapters. The fourth act here really set’s the story in motion and is home to the game’s first real boss fight. Despite the game being a 3D platformer, this boss is fought in 2D and I’m not sure what to think about it. It’s a strange fight fitting of the Mafia’s strange vibe, but I’m not a fan of being locked to a 2D plane for just this segment. Maybe if it was used prior it would work better, but as is it’s an okay fight.

The chapter itself is a seas side town built around a volcano shaped geyser that keeps the Mafia bosses club floating high in the sky. Due to the slope of the geyser’s sides, the town has multiple levels of height you’ll be running between as you explore. Oh and the town is run and lived in solely by the Mafia who outside their leader all look the same. The chapter is super sparse on foes. The Mafia won’t attack unless provoked or tied into the act itself. Outside that you’re pretty safe outside fall damage and the strange sleepy raccoons. If this chapter has one issue it’s that due to the vertical nature of the town I never really got a lay of the land. This is an issue for most of the chapters, but unlike others, this one has a single distinct theme throughout so I can’t say I’m in this part of the map and over there is that part of the map very easily.

Dead Bird Studios: Somehow the chapter that feels the least inspired by classic 3D Platformers is my favorite. Dead Bird Studios is home to stealth segments, timed segments, and a conga line of enemies that forces you to keep moving and not double back too quickly. Pretty much all of these are aspects of Super Mario Galaxy which makes this whole thing even funnier since this chapter is set on the moon, despite never being seen. What makes this chapter so great is that every one of these elements is one and done all leading up to what is now one of my favorite boss fights ever. It is perfectly built to and I absolutely refuse to spoil, but it’s safe to say the developers of A Hat in Time are super cynical of the Cinematic Studio System.

Dead Bird Studios starts with Hat kids trying to steal back her Time pieces from the competing directors who plan to use them as props for their upcoming motion pictures. When she is caught she is instead offered to star in the films of two competing directors. From there each act is a movie with its own gimmick. All of these are super linear, but what makes it work is that none of them play the same and none of these gimmicks leave this chapter. All of these fun things are one and done so they never get old.

Subcon Forest: Of all of the chapters, Subcon Forest is the most generic, but how it handles the basic theme of spooky level is done really well. As the first act begins you are quickly forced to make a deal with the Snatcher, a spooky spirit. In exchange for your soul he’ll let you explore his woods as long as you complete tasks for him. While most spooky levels dance around the morbid nature of things, this chapter doesn’t shy away from the darker concepts at play. Magical nooses hang in the woods. The spirts in the woods want to die. It’s a strange setting.

The design of the forest itself is split into distinct areas. Each is key for at least one of the acts, but all of them can be reached from anyone act, except for the boss fight area which is only reachable when needed. This allows for each act to feel distinct. The most annoying part of the chapter is trying to find your way around. While everything is distinct I still never got a sense of which area was next to what other area outside a super select few. Luckily the game will start you facing the right direction and from there the path is pretty obvious. Good luck finding those rifts through.

The star of the show here is the Snatcher. He’s you pretty basic deal making devil but he’s played for laughs in such a way that while he would be terrifying to actually meet in reality, in this games setting he’s silly. He’s always smiling and he’s built like an inflatable tube man. Sadly his boss fight sucks. Because of how it’s built when you die it takes a long time to get back to the point in which you can actually damage him. It also doesn’t help that his attacks are all pretty random and similar enough that knowing how to dodge them doesn’t help much since where things will land is hard to pin down. Also no health was dispensed the whole fight. Snatcher takes the least hits of all the bosses, but he’s the least balanced of these bosses regardless. I’d rather have a lengthy but forgiving fight than a short and insane one.

Alpine Skyline: You know who up until now each chapter was divided into acts? Throw that out the window. This last level is entirely free roam. Hold your goats, it’s not a giant open mountain. The map is made up of various mountain peaks that you’ll zip line between. It’s pretty linear in nature, but you’ll get to choose which of the four acts you’ll tackle first. The Finale sadly can’t be redone due to how it twists the map, but it’s not particularly strong so no huge loss. The acts here are super fun. Twilight Bell and The Windmill are awesome platforming challenges that put your use of hats and platforming to the test. It’s puzzle platforming at its finest.

I’m honestly not sure what else I can say about the penultimate chapter. There is no boss fight and it’s where you obtain the game’s final and arguably game breaking hat. The setting itself is pretty underused and is pretty much just fluff to connect the four harder acts together but those acts are so good it all works out in the end.

Time’s End: The game ends with a final Bowser Castle style level leading into a final boss battle against Mustache girl who after learning that you wouldn’t use the Time Pieces to stop the bad guys decided to use the time pieces to become the judge of who is and isn’t bad. The final battle has Hat kid getting aided by all of the games baddies who just want things to go back to the way they were. It’s a fun final battle that was made super easy by the inclusion of the game’s final hat. I appreciate the interstitial cut scenes that occur throughout that remind me of the good old Paper Mario games.

The course itself is pretty challenging. I’d be lying if I said I got through it unscathed. The whole evil castle above lava is pretty generic, but as a love letter to the 3D platformers of old it’s fine. I think creating some sort of crazy place outside of time would have fit the theme of the game more, but what matters in the end is what’s inside, and what is inside the castle is good.

Story: I mean I pretty much covered the story back there. Hat kid’s time pieces get scattered on this planet. She lands in Mafia town and Mustache girl helps her out until she learns about the power of the pieces and that Hat kid doesn’t want to use the power to stop bad guys. From here you just sort of play the game until you get enough time pieces and Mustache girl comes and steals them triggering the unlocking of the final battle where the above events transpire. It’s a sappy story about power corrupting and that messing with time is bad. It’s a lot more effort than I expected out of this and it left me with a smile on my face.

[largando]

EMO_OSR_ExileIsland_Knights

Header: </style><a style="font-family:arial; font-weight:normal" >Knights of Exile Island<br><br>Exile Island is a crappy place between all the great empires and crawling with remnants of great evil empires from the pre flood era. There are so many dungeons here that farmers are always wary of digging up a cursed relic, a lost city or some horrible monster when all they want is turnips. The north is still wild and barbaric but the south has the barrony and a Colony of the Great Empire on the south continent. Both these lands produce knights but others come from far off lands to quest and kill monsters that are hard to find in less horrible lands.<br><br>A knight is basically a military aristocrat cavalryman who owes fealty to a superior lord all the way up to a king or emperor. Some who come to the Island are fairly exotic. Some weird non human knights also come. Undead knights occasionally roam the land too from when necromancers ruled man thousands of years ago.<br><br>from Elfmaids and Octopi<br></a><a style="font-family:arial; font-weight:normal; font-size:75%"><br>elfmaidsandoctopi.blogspot.com/2017/05/d100-knights-of-exile-island.html</a><hr>

table: start <style>ul \{margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 1em;}</style>& <style>table \{border-collapse: collapse;\}tr \{border-bottom: 1px solid black; border-collapse: collapse;\}</style>& <table><col width="150"><col width="1000">& [|<tr><td>Knight Type</td><td>[@KnightlyTypes]</td></tr>|<tr><td>Knight with Entourage</td><td>[@KnightsOfExileIsland]</td></tr>]& <tr><td>Doing what</td><td>[@WhatAreTheseKnightsUpTo]</td></tr>& <tr><td>Equipment</td><td><ul>[@KnightEquipment]</ul></td></tr>& <tr><td>Heraldry</td><td>[@MakeHeraldry]</td></tr>& </table>

table: MakeHeraldry {legs==4}& {creature=='[@HeraldicCreatureDesigns]'}& On a background of [@HeraldicColours]:<ul><li>& [!{1d3} HeraldicObjects >> implode <li>]& <li>{creature} [@CreatureDepiction{legs}]</ul>

Table: KnightlyTypes Knights of Barrony, where mostly evil robber knights near Shadelport come from Knights of The Empire, currently waging a long civil war around the young tyrant The Crusader knights who battle chaos eruptions in the name of the gods of Law Templar knights, warrior priests who serve the gods in the crusades Knights of Waerlund, the misty mystic Islands where knights and wizards rule together Knights of Dutainia, the Iron Kingdom, who grind the weak and poor under hoof Knights of Volnir, the frozen north kingdoms who wage eternal war against barbarians   Knights of Sindra, the desert kingdom, whose curved swords serve a strange god of law Knights of the lotus-shrouded dragon kingdoms, seeking salvation from desire and slavery Knights of the Cherry Blossom Islands, who fanatically kill and die for their bloody honour code [|Paladins|Holy champions] of a particular [|religion|state|order], on a great quest to destroy evil Obsidian knights, who ride terror birds in the great jungle kingdoms [@SomeStrangeKnights]

Table: SomeStrangeKnights Lizard knights, riding [|raptors|triceratops] from monster island come to challenge man Tako octopi riding flying sea horses have mass migrated to escape evil fish men Faerie knights ride unicorns (women) or stags (men) and hunt with werewolves Doom Knights, servants of the long gone necromancer kings are up to something Rowanac, chaos elf wizard knights who ride dragons, monsters and demons Giant knights ride mammoths and wooly rhinos from the glaciers to kill mankind Mutant Knights, corrupted by chaos into parodies of knighthood Changeling knights, from hidden courts of beast men and nature lords Beast knights from mongrel tribes of beast folk who seve chaos Witch knights, evil magical knights warped by the forces of hell

Table: WhatAreTheseKnightsUpTo Exiles now mercenaries who hope to find a new patron Robber knights have taken over a [|ruined castle|cave] Robber knights on borderland who profit from playing sides against each other On a sacred quest seeking a relic Hunting [|enemies|a criminal] Seek a important person to rescue Off to crusade killing anything they don't like look of on the way Hunting a [|fanciful questing beast|famous monster] Seeking to carve out a territory on lawless frontier Looking for deeds for fame and glory Seek opponent to challenge for the glory Blocking a [|road|bridge] to [|challenge|tax] passers by Seek a traitor who possibly sent them here on wild goose chase [|Cursed|Damned] to complete a doomed quest Fleeing destruction of their lord and now deemed outlaws Defending the common folk who have no justice Seeking [|squires|mercenaries] for an adventure since last ones were all killed Following a leader who has shamefully led them all to tragedy and dishonour Hunting an evil [|magician|priest] raising hell the area Escorting something or someone of great importance

Table: KnightEquipment <li>Ringmail AC+3<li>Spear<li>Shield<li>Sword<li>Helmet<li>Light warhorse <li>Scalemail AC+4<li>Spear<li>Lance<li>Shield<li>Sword<li>Helmet<li>Light warhorse<li>Baggage horse<li>Squire <li>Chainmail AC+5 spear<li>Lance<li>Shield<li>Sword<li>Mace<li>Helmet<li>Medium warhorse<li>Baggage horse<li>Squire <li>Splint Mail AC+6<li>Spear<li>Two lances<li>Shield<li>Sword<li>Mace<li>Helmet<li>Medium warhorse<li>Two baggage horses<li>Squire<li>Courtly outfit<li>Type one kit for squire or spare <li>Plate Mail AC+7<li>Spear<li>Three lances<li>Shield<li>Sword<li>Mace<li>Helmet<li>Medium warhorse<li>Three baggage horses<li>Riding horse<li>Luxury tent<li>Squire<li>Servant<li>Two courtly outfits<li>Type to kit for squire <li>Full Plate AC +8<li>Spear<li>{1d4+1} lances<li>Shield<li>Sword<li>Mace<li>Helmet<li>Light warhorse<li>Two baggage horses<li>Two squires (one young one older)<li>{d4} servants<li>Bard<li>{d4+1} courtly outfits<li>Type three kit for old squire and type one for younger one

//Lady Knights fine in my setting and amazons are pretty common - i guess there could be amazon knights. feel free to change genders and names.

Table: QuickKnightTypes Young Knights Veteran Knights Old Knights Hopeless knights Robber Knights Wicked Knights Foriegn knights Hell Knights Holy Knights Strange Knights

Table: KnightsOfExileIsland Sir Everard a young knight seeking glory and adventure opportunities to make a name Sir Aramor driven from home and his inheritance usurped seeks allies to help him Sir Marat hopes to obtain some peasants and take them to claim frontier land Sir Donal is being hunted by hired killers and cant get home he worries about Sir Alek wants allies so he can attack humanoid villages on the frontier for glory Sir Petar seeks to kill the man who killed his father Sir Seramon looking for his sweetheart who was kidnapped by a wicked hag Sir Fanilek is haunted by a evil spirit and has fled home to spare his family Sir Danor who is secretly a lady in disguise trying to save her family and brother Sir Radiment wants quick cash and experience is looking to join murder hobos for a bit Sir Morngrim seems a gloomy down and out knight but secretly is a spy seeking bandits Sir Ormond is looking for holy relics so gods will forgive his broken vows Sir Dremond has returned from crusade to find everyone he knows is dead from plague Sir Hillary secretly a templar is looking for signs of chaos in the frontier to destroy Sir Lorien seeks elves or faeries to translate family documents for a inheritence Sir Digby likes to drink and fight and likes to join murder hobo companies for fun Sir Lor serves a dark cult and roams seeking suckers he can lure into cult dungeon Sir Villimor looking for goblins who kidnapped a peasant girl Sir Arrant has become a desperate highwayman and hides his heraldry for the shame Sir Kernu is a wild knight who has been impeding hunters and loggers on the frontier Sir Tirion is world weary and seeks a just cause to die for Sir Mardrak seeks magic to restore his youth chasing any story or lead Sir Orlak seeks to start glorious war with humanoids to reignite the flower of manliness Sir Firlion wants glory and fame after years of inglorious courtly administration Sir Wadrak is a chaos agent and wants dupes to release demons trapped in a dungeon Sir Curleon seeks secret decadent vice and inhuman pleasure often joins adventurers Sir Garlan a tired almost broke old knight wants cash but really wants a home Sir Karlid serves a vampire sorceress and lures young heroes to be her victims Sir Glorion throws splendid decadent parties and secretly has links to many cults Sir Kalidad killed his kin and now lurks country trails hoping to join robber knight band Sir Glubfrey seeks young adventurers but really he works for goblins who pay him Sir Arnold distracts travellers with colourful stories while his servants rob them Sir Seran seeks brave warriors to join him because his cult needs them as sacrifices Sir Corgan begs to join parties but he is vain, boastful and a bit of a coward Sir Bendell is a washed up drunk but he joins adventurers to cook tasty monsters Sir Viran brings his werewolf lover with him everywhere that usually ends in tragedy Sir Corman is ill and wants to die fighting, his family will blame his companions Sir Veritous is a hopeless black lotus addict and will do anything to get more Sir Bindle has inferior equipment and hopeless servants but wants to fight monsters Sir Abanathy is insanely greedy and will join explorers but will try to steal treasure Sir Doran leads a band of villains from a ruined keep and charges road tolls Sir Malcombe leads brutal murdering bandits who kill all to keep his good name Sir Toran has kidnapped many ladies to work looms and has ogres guarding them Sir Voran leads bandits but they are also cultists who torment and sacrifice captives Sir Kippel and his robber band have a ruined keep and command a long stretch of road Sir Rendel and his robber band are actually were rats but they usually hide this fact Sir Orzak is a robber and has recruited evil goat men who eat their victims Sir Telran leads a robberknight band from a cave and they worship devils Sir Malarous enjoys robbing with his band and taking hostages to their hidden dungeon Sir Banlan the one eyed leads a band of cut throats and they impale captives for fun Sir Zaran serves a witch who has brought him back from the dead several times Sir Kerab rules a village of cultists off the main roads who worship demonic megaliths Sir Varas rounds up victims by force then tortures confessions from them for treason Sir Korad works with witch hunters egging them on to atrocities while he worships chaos Sir Malekor collects orphans and buys poor children he burns before a altar in a dungeon Sir Vardel kidnaps and spoils maidens then feeds them to his wyvern in his tower Sir Garad recruits commoners to the rebellion then captures and hangs them for rewards Sir Kaldor lures victims into the forest ruled by his spider demon lover Sir Tarump boasts about his deeds but actually works with hobgoblin chiefs in secret Sir Marrus joins travellers and shares poison wine with them from his evil cult Sir Erad is a swarthy strange knight with unusual weapons for a knight on a quest Sir Tremour is a beautiful foreign knight that women harass and keep ruining his life Sir Farziv is a foreign knight with spectacular decorations who is rude and superior Sir Kalimar is a strange foreign knight actually a fishman hybrid seeking sea god relics Sir Utilkar is a exotic feather plumed knight with a obsidian sword on a quest Sir Barbar is huge foreign man with sharpened teeth who collects severed heads Sir Kunlun is a strange foriegn knight with a jade sword and spectacular fighting arts Sir Umbra is a dark skinned warrior from far away with odd customs but very noble Sir Sharmar is a strange knight from far away seeking glory in combat and gold Sir Sir Hazran a knight from distant kingdom seeking prehistoric tomb   Sir Kerull is actually a devil in human form seeking escapee criminals from hell Sir Nimeon herding coffle of chained serfs to sell to raise funds for hell Sir Viran with his men rounding up villagers for treasonously avoiding taxes Sir Raddog with secret police and erinyes devil looking for traitors hiding from law Sir Masterman with cultists looking for host body for devil promising superhuman powers Sir Curmdgen looking for a hellmouth so he can deliver gifts to the dukes of hell Sir Tradmere transporting naked criminals to deposit in hellmouth Sir Mortlen seeking relics of hell sealed away by good long ago in dungeon Sir Varan is actually a shape shifting devil trying to grant wishes four souls of knights Sir Orlok a vampire knight sent by hell to killl those trying to get out of serving hell Sir Armelia a lady paladin seeking evils on backwood roads she has heard of Sir Marlok a fanatic paladin seeks to destroy village of possible chaos cultists in area Sir Tirion the paladin looking to challenge wicked knights and cults on the frontier Sir Zabur hunting ogres on frontier who have preyed on villagers Sir Marmad the paladin hoping to keep the peace on the frontier and preventing wars Sir Cordelia a lady paladin who heals the poor and hunts plague spreading evils Sir Curan a paladin seeking lost relics of good and hopes to destroy evil relics Sir Prendal a paladin intolerant of druidry and non lawful cults who tolerate evil Sir Korthal seeks to burn non lawful good holy places and kill non believers Sir Marel the paladin kept busy rescuing maidens from harm Sir Golan wears suit of decorated plate he never removes because he is a iron golem Sir Boran is actually a revenant with cultist servants who work to kill knights Sir Derleth scours the land seeking rival old ones cults to destroy for his master Hastur Sir Baran roams the land collecting treasure for master is actually a dream emanation Sir Viriam is actually a elf in disguise with druidic disciples as servants on elf quests Sir Orlando is a ancient immortal knight who changes gender occasionally   Sir Mortis is a flesh golem and his servants are really necromantic apprentices Sir Perimore a famous musician and courtly lover but really he drains the life of his mates Sir Grendan the Sea knight is actually a fishman hybrid serving dark sea god cults Sir Vetrin is a imortal seeking a relic so the gods will finally let him die

Table: HeraldicColours a single colour two coloured halves split [|vertically|horizontally] two colours, [|divided into quarters|checkerboard pattern] three colours in [|horizontal|vertical|diagonal] bands four colours divided into quarters

// Sometimes heraldry seems to fit knights character sometimes it is a problem. My friends family coat of arms had three severed negro heads which family rightfully embarrassed by. // Feel to pick something that suits the knight though. Pick a colours that seems to suit the knight. Poses of beasts all have names and a easy way to distinguish between knights // with same beast or you might have two or three of the same beasts on one design.

Table: CreatureDepiction4 head only, facing [|front|left|right] lying down standing on all fours standing on all fours, facing front standing on all fours, one leg raised standing on all fours, one leg raised face front on standing on hind legs, forelegs in air standing on hind legs, looking behind -- two of them, standing on hind legs, facing each other

Table: CreatureDepiction2 head only, facing [|front|left|right] lying down standing, facing [|front|left|right] standing, looking behind -- two of them, standing, facing each other

Table: CreatureDepiction0 head only, facing [|front|left|right] lying down risen up, facing [|front|left|right] risen up, looking behind -- two of them, risen up, facing each other

Table: CreatureDepiction3 \z

Table: HeraldicCreatureDesigns Dog (for loyalty) Cat (for the crafty) Lion (for the brave) Wolf (for the fierce) Deer (for lord of the woods) Boar (for savagery) Bear (for might) Fox (for cunning) Goat (for resilience) Bull (for might) Falcon (for alertness){legs==2} Owl (for wisdom){legs==2} Rooster (for protection){legs==2} Puffin (for fidelity){legs==2} Raven (for cunning){legs==2} Peacock (for splendour){legs==2} Finch (for industry){legs==2} Swan (for beauty){legs==2} Duck (for intuition){legs==2} Eagle (for freedom){legs==2} Beaver (for hard work) Mole (for destiny) Rat (for survival) Otter (for creativity) Weasel (for cunning) Bat (for fearsomeness){legs==2} Shrew (for savagery) Hare (for craftiness) Hedgehog (for protection) Squirrel (for preparation) Snake (for fertility) Toad (for longevity) Frog (for opportunity) Newt (for magic) Turtle (for patience) Crocodile (for devouring) Lizard (for regeneration) Raptor (for ferocity) Triceratops (for defence) Tyrannosaur (for might) Dolphin (for helping){legs==0} Shark (for savagery){legs==0} Pike (for alertness){legs==0} Whale (for might){legs==0} Swordfish (for aggression){legs==0} Barracuda (for warlike){legs==0} Catfish (for longevity){legs==0} Narwhale (for nobility){legs==0} Lobster (for inscrutibility){legs==0} Crab (for determination){legs==0} Octopus (for cunning){legs==0} Basilisk (for lethality) Wyrm (for wisdom) Dragon (for wealth) Wyvern (for determination) Salamander (for invulnerability) Drake (for cunning) Naga (for mystery){legs==0} Amphisbaena (for eternity ){legs==0} Cerastes (for steadfastness (Ram horned snakes)){legs==0} Unicorn (for purity) Yale (for preparation) Cateoplas (for awfulness) Gorgon (for fearsomeness) Peryton (for deception){legs==2} Leucrotta (for duplicity) Manticore (for mean spirited) Chimera (for versatility) Sphynx (for mysterious) Lamia (for attrition ) Ogre (for brutishness){legs==2} Satyr (for fertility){legs==2} Mermaid (for duality){legs==0} Minotaur (for guardianship){legs==2} Goatman (for virility){legs==2} Cyclops (for single minded){legs==2} Centaur (for ambiguity) Giant (for appetite){legs==2} Gigantes (snake legged giants) (for strength){legs==2} Apkallu (fish man sage) (for wisdom){legs==2} Harpy (for revolting){legs==2} Siren (for charming){legs==2} Phoenix (for immortality){legs==2} Cockatrice (for destruction){legs==2} Griffon (for ferocity) Hippogriff (for loyalty) Hippalectryon (half rooster and horse) (for alertness) Stymphalian Birds (for steadfastness){legs==2} Pegasus (for loyalty) Winged snake (for healing){legs==0} Elemental (for magic){legs==0} Hag, [|washing|holding a broom] (for terror).{legs==3}// 3 means no positions Ankou (robed skeleton with lamp and scythe) (for death) Vampire (for eternal hunger){legs==2} Werewolf (for savagery){legs==2} Hellhound (for ferocity) Hellcat (for duplicity) Demon (for evil){legs==2} Devil (for domination){legs==2} Angel (for holiness){legs==2} //Bees, snails, rabbits, eels, kingfisher and anything really depending on climate, local industry and taste

Table: HeraldicObjects Holy symbol Book Grail Scales Eye Sword Axe Mace Severed head Bottle Bunch of grapes Head of wheat Poppy head Flower Tree Apple Hammer Waves Crown Sceptre Spear Horn Harp Drum Skull Armoured knight Candle Lantern Scroll Fish hook Anchor Quill Acorn Mistletoe Turnip Onion Tankard Helmet Bound faggots Burning faggots Noose Coil of rope Pick Spade Wheel Tower Castle Crossbones Open hand Heart Gem Barrel Ship Anvil Flail Cat-o-nine-tails Pitchfork Portcullis Needle and thread Smoking pipe Boot Gauntlet Chest Chain Hourglass Star Ring Key Sausage Mortar and pestle Wheat sheaf Cauldron Beehive Snowflake Teardrop Seashell Fist Bell Oakleaf Pinecone Arrow Crescent Full moon Sun Mountain Volcano Mushroom Treestump Sickle Scythe Shears Comet Jaws Compass Gate Birdcage Shepherds crook Chariot [|Hood|Domino mask] [|Chef's|Papal|Mayoral] hat

[recentanimenews]

Ranking All 50 One Piece Anime Arcs Up to Wano (Yes, Even The Filler)

  The Wano arc is in full swing, with the latest episode finally bringing us an amazing first clash between Luffy and Kaido. However, with Wano, the number of One Piece arcs (including filler) has been brought up to fifty, and that seems like a great time to rank them all. 

  50. Buggy's Crew Adventures

    This isn't really an arc so much as a sigh of relief after the runaway train of emotion of the last few episodes of Arlong Park. You can laugh at Buggy for a bit after watching Nami's soul get ripped apart (and then put back together again).

49. Post Alabasta

    You know video game sidequests that are basically around to level up your specific partner characters so that they don't get immediately wiped out in boss fights? This is the anime filler arc version of that. It's fun, though.

48. Foxy's Return

    I loooooove Foxy and I looooove the Davy Back Fight arc. But Foxy's Return doesn't quite hit home. It might be because we last saw Foxy six episodes ago, but it truly speaks to Foxy's character that he'd try to make a grand, dramatic return after he got the crap kicked out of him so recently.  

47. Spa Island

    Foxy returns again in Spa Island, though this filler arc is mostly notable for the fact that Luffy uses Gear Third to split an artificial island in half. That alone wins this arc points.

46. Warship Island

    Warship Island isn't a bad filler arc, just a victim of poor placement. It comes right after Loguetown and right after the Straw Hats have each declared their dreams. So it becomes a pit stop arc, like the Straw Hat crew getting gas and snacks before they head out on the Grand Line.

45. Little East Blue

    I like to think of Little East Blue as a celebration of pre time skip One Piece, where the Straw Hats get (deservedly) celebrated for a bit. It's cute and it's a nice prologue to the Strong World movie. 

44. Z's Ambition

    The filler arcs that precede the movies are an odd bunch, as they tend to end with the main villain of the movie showing up in the last five minutes and declaring their plans. So it's hard to enjoy them on their own. That said, Z's Ambition has enough action that even if you don't watch Film Z (but you should, as it's great), you won't really mind the cliffhanger finale.

43. Straw Hat Separation

    After Kuma wiped out the crew, this batch of episodes shows where they all ended up. And it's mainly a montage of Straw Hats being confused. And don't get me wrong—the Straw Hats do confusion like nobody's business. But you get more out of their separation in the Post War arc when they finally get around to business. 

42. Diary of Koby-Meppo

    Koby is a character that has always deserved more time, so getting a few episodes devoted to him and Helmeppo training to be Marines is welcome. Also, my dude Garp shows up for the first time, which means that I've rewatched these two episodes FAR more than I should. 

41. Goat Island

    Goat Island doesn't feel as "classic" as G-8, nor is it as entertaining as Ocean's Dream. In fact, it's about as fluffy as the goats that appear in it. But a three episode arc where Chopper talks to goats and Luffy doesn't beat up a villain but rather causes him to get shipwrecked? I'm FOR it. 

  40. Chopper Man Special

    Chopper Man has Chopper in a cape. It's worth it for that. Please @ me. Chopper Man, you're my hero, and I hope you one day get a Chopper Man & Sogeking Save The Grand Line special.

  39. Romance Dawn

    Romance Dawn establishes a lot of things that will become classic tropes in One Piece: Going to a new island, meeting new crew members, helping out little kids, taking out a power hungry warlord, etc. It's a blueprint arc, and it works well as that. Sadly, the anime would not continue the "introduce a Straw Hat character with rad guitar" idea like they do with Zoro here. 

38. Orange Town

    The East Blue saga only gets better as it goes along, and Orange Town provides a nice counter to Romance Dawn. For example, if Axe-Hand Morgan represented the seriousness of the Marine threat in the last arc, then Buggy represents the other side of the villains that the Straw Hat Crew will encounter: cartoonish, loud, and beaten in a really fun way. 

37. Ruluka Island

    Ruluka Island feels like condensed One Piece, like you'd just add some water to turn this four episode arc into a twenty episode one. It's a nice arc to stretch your legs in before you go to the big themes of Jaya.

36. Ice Hunter

    Ice Hunter is neat because it gives every member of the Straw Hat crew a little time to shine in a story that is action-packed and intriguing. If you miss pre timeskip One Piece and haven't watched the Ice Hunter arc, give it a shot.

35. Marine Rookie

    I know that we're all eager to see the Straw Hats reunite in Wano, but if you want to see more of Whole Cake's Sanji Retrieval Team, the Marine Rookie arc makes for a solid bonus round. Also, the only reason it starts is because Luffy eats all of the Straw Hats' supplies, which, logically, should be the beginning of waaaaay more One Piece arcs.

34. Silver Mine

    If you didn't get enough Bartolomeo in Dressrosa, then surprise! They made a filler arc just for you. 

  33. Boss Luffy Specials

    You know when you fall asleep watching a show, and then you wake back up and, in your grogginess, suddenly whatever is on TV looks insane? That's what happened to me with Boss Luffy. I had just finished watching Ace's fight with Blackbeard and then, boom. I was out. Then I wake up and see the Straw Hats in 19th century Japan. The Boss Luffy stuff is fun, but I think it's best viewed when you're in a delirious half sleep. That's just my personal preference, though.

32. Caesar Retrieval

    Caesar made for a fine antagonist on Punk Hazard, but he's even better as shreiking deadweight that the Straw Hat Crew and Company have to keep alive. 

31. Little Garden

    Little Garden isn't as cool as Whisky Peak, nor does it provide the emotional gut punch of Drum Island. Instead, it's mainly here to further the theme of what it means to be a true warrior and introduce giants (and dinosaurs!) in the One Piece universe. It gives Usopp some of the character development that he needs and Zoro almost cuts off his own feet in an effort to keep fighting. Any arc that illustrates how hard Zoro goes gets at least one thumb up from me.

30. Loguetown

      Loguetown is a fun arc when you consider just how much it expands the scope of the world. Smoker and Tashigi truly begin the Navy's quest to stop the Straw Hats, Dragon gets introduced in a big, mysterious way, and Luffy takes a massive step in establishing himself in the realm of pirating. However, the Straw Hat side stories in the middle (aside from Zoro's awesome bit in the sword shop) slow it down a little. 

29. Zou

    Zou might be one of the most visually rich arcs in the series. From the massive elephant to the Mink tribe to the terror of Jack to more lessons about the poneglyphs, there's a lot shoved into this short span. And between the intense epics of Dressrosa and Whole Cake Island, it's fits nicely as 10 cc's of wonder and fantasy injected into the New World.  

28. Fishman Island

    Fishman Island occupies a weird spot. It's thematically heavy, but also serves as the action-packed Straw Hat Crew comeback tour. It needs to stand on its own, but it also caps off with a declaration of war against Big Mom, a villain that won't be encountered for years. In all, I feel that the importance of the Fishman Island arc is yet to be truly realized. 

27. Ocean's Dream

    One of the final two filler arcs on this list, Ocean's Dream seems like One Piece fan fiction in the best way. If you were dissatisfied with Luffy's fight with Zoro on Whisky Peak, you get another round of it here while Zoro is being mind controlled. 

26. Syrup Village

    If Romance Dawn and Orange Town were warm up laps, Syrup Village is when One Piece begins to break out in a sprint. The introduction of Usopp and the Going Merry make for some great moments and it's this arc that got me hooked on One Piece when I first started watching it. 

25. Dressrosa

    Dressrosa, for better (and sometimes for worse) is massive. Doflamingo is a threat that had been popping up since the Jaya arc, but because of Dressrosa's scope, his defeat can feel a little lackluster, especially when you consider that he's a pitstop on the road to Kaido. But Dressrosa introduces the endlessly cool Fujitora and the Straw Hats' big pirate alliance, and also gives us the dual backstories to Law and Doflamingo, neither of which disappoint. Also, Doflamingo's abilities lead to some of the coolest action scenes in the series. 

24. Return to Sabaody

    The post-timeskip starts with a bang, as the Return to Sabaody arc is both hilarious and thrilling. The Straw Hats get to show off their newfound strength as they do what they definitely couldn't do in the first Sabaody arc (easily knock out a Pacifista). And we also get to meet the Fake Straw Hat crew, which does a nice job of illuminating just how much the legend of the Straw Hats has grown since they were last together. 

23. Reverse Mountain

    One of the major strengths of One Piece is that it can accomplish three kinds of storytelling at once—giving us a narrative that is immediately satisying, giving us a narrative that will be satisfying in the near future, and giving us a narrative that will be satisfying in the long term. In the Reverse Mountain arc, we not only get a nice story about Laboon, but we also get introduced to Baroque Works (who will be the main antagonists of the saga), and also, we get hints that will only pay off when Brook is introduced years later. Reverse Mountain is short, but it also displays Eiichiro Oda's wonderful talent as a writer. 

22. Long Ring Long Land

    I've seen people on the internet say stuff like "WHEN I REACHED THE DAVY BACK FIGHT ARC, I NEARLY STOPPED READING!" and man, why? Quitting a series that you love because it slightly diverts from the hero fighting god-like enemies in order to participate in some fun games? Everyone has their own opinions, but your opinion of what fiction should be is wrong. That said, this arc is hilarious and great. 

21. Whisky Peak

    Whisky Peak is so cool. It's an anime arc with swagger, the kind that steps into a bar and buys everyone a round. I want to be friends with Whisky Peak but I know, deep down, that Whisky Peak is far too rad to be friends with me.

  20. Reverie

    The best thing about the Reverie arc is that it makes the world of One Piece a little more conveniently manageable (Oh neat. All of the major side characters get to hang out for a while), while also opening a can of worms (What's with the giant straw hat? WHAT'S WITH THE GIANT STRAW HAT?). Because this is the most recent arc, I don't know if we've seen the ripples that it will create across the One Piece world, but I sure am excited to.

  19. Post Enies Lobby

    This isn't the first time the Straw Hats have been forced to flee a place. However, this is the first time that it's felt like they'd be wiped out if they didn't. The return of Garp (and the spectre of the Yonko) throw the Straw Hats into all new territory, one where maybe being the plucky underdog team isn't enough to save them from the threats that come. Also, goofy Franky joins the team, which provides a nice counter-balance to the hints of oblivion. 

18. Punk Hazard

    Punk Hazard is home to one of my top 10 One Piece fights (Vergo vs Law & Smoker), features one of my favorite locations (an island that is half fire/magma and half ice/snow and home to an evil science base), and introduces a character that has only grown on me with time (Here's a hint on who he is: He laughs like "SHERURURURURURU SHERURURURURURU). It's kind of a prequel to Dressrosa, but in that spot, does a great job at furthering the menace of Doflamingo. 

17. Post War

      The introduction of Sabo aka Steampunk Ace aka I'm Just Kidding Sabo Is Kinda Cool and Luffy realizing that he has his crew to keep him going make the Post-War arc into a short but powerful cap to the pre-timeskip era. 

16. Amazon Lily

    Boa Hancock is a supremely underrated One Piece character, with a terribly sad backstory, amazing powers, and a hilarious crush on Luffy. And Amazon Lily helps further the major trend that will reach fever pitch in Dressrosa of Luffy amassing supporters because he's just such a dang ol' nice guy. Hopefully Hancock will one day meet Bartolomeo and together they will start a Luffy fan club and then argue over who gets to be President. 

15. Jaya

    If you were in the dark as to what the themes of One Piece are, here comes Jaya with a flashlight. This is basically a montage of the things that are important to the Straw Hat crew, and it introduces Blackbeard, a guy that will go from "Oh he seems interesting" to "OH I HATE HIM" over the next few hundred chapters. Luffy saying "Do I know how to throw a punch, you ask?" before absolutely walloping Bellamy still gives me goose bumps.

14. Thriller Bark

      There's so much good to Thriller Bark—the spooky atmosphere, the introduction of Brook, the underrated Gekko Moriah, the Binks' Sake song, the Straw Hats teaming up to face a giant zombie, etc. And just when you think it can't get any better, Kuma shows up and rocks the One Piece world. 

13. Impel Down

    Hey! It's Buggy! And Mr. 3! And Mr. 2! And Crocodile! And our new best boy Jinbe! And Ivankov! As both a launching point for new protagonists and a comeback for old foes (along with introducing Magellan, one of the best villains in the series, and Shiryu, one of the scariest villains in the series), Impel Down succeeds. I love it more and more with time.

  12. Wano

A revamped art style and a fresh sense of direction has turned the burgeoning Wano arc into a great experience for long time One Piece fans, along with providing a solid place for new fans to jump into the series. This ranking my change once we get further into it, but for now, the Straw Hats reuniting and quickly learning of the awe-inspiring power of Kaido has earned Wano a choice place on this list. Also, "Over The Top" is one of the best opening themes ever, One Piece or otherwise. 

11. Drum Island

    I've written an entire article about why the arc where we first meet Tony Tony Chopper makes me weep, so I'll try to be brief here. Drum Island is beautiful. It's the story of a little deer guy that couldn't find a place in the world and the loud rubber bro that gave him one. It's an arc about the price of dreams and the power of having someone stand up for you when you need it most. It's about love and respect and kindess. And now I'm about to cry again. THANKS A LOT, ONE PIECE. 

10. Baratie

    The Baratie arc is the first hint that we'll get about how hectic the One Piece world is. We meet Sanji, we meet Don Krieg, and we meet Mihawk (and is stronger than the whole cast of the show combined at this point). Syrup Village is about leaving your comfort zones and Baratie is about finding a home in the chaos that follows. 

9. G-8

    The best One Piece filler arc and the One Piece arc that I most revisit (it's only 11 episodes, can you blame me?), G-8 is a One Piece Greatest Hits collection and possibly the first thing you should show someone if they want to get into One Piece but don't have long to do so. 

8. Alabasta

    Are the Straw Hats ready for the Grand Line? Are they ready to topple evil villains and protect those that need help? That's what Alabasta asks and the answer is "Oh yeah." Luffy punching Crocodile up through the center of the city is an iconic moment, showing us that the Straw Hats, whether they mean to be or not, are forces of good in the world. 

7. Marineford

    Marineford is loud and chaotic and powerful, forcing Luffy into a situation where he is simply an especially energetic pawn on the chessboard of battle. It's just as much of a rescue mission as it is a quest for survival for him, but in the midst of Whitebeard and the three admirals and the Shichibukai, Luffy makes his mark. However, he doesn't do it through displays of awe-inspiring force, but through his willpower. Aokiji is right when he says that Luffy isn't "ready for this stage yet," but the thing that scares the Navy most is that one day, he will be. 

6. Sabaody Archipelago

    This is not a happy arc. It's a satisfying one (Luffy punching the Celestial Dragon will never get old), and it's an illuminating one (Silver Rayleigh, y'all!), but it's not one that will end with cheering. Kizaru shows up to put an entire generation of pirates in their place and Kuma wipes out the Straw Hats. That said, even if it concludes with the most uncertain moment in the series, it's still a fun ride. 

5. Arlong Park

      Nami is the soul of the Straw Hat Crew, and learning what she's been through at the hands of the despicable Arlong is heart-breaking. But Luffy doesn't need to know every detail to know that he needs to help and the Straw Hats walking to Arlong Park is another one of those "One Piece is literally the best thing ever" moments. And by the end, every Straw Hat bro gets a victory, Luffy gets a bounty, and Nami gets her freedom. And what does she do with this freedom? She joins a ship full of dummies as their navigator. And I'm so happy about that. 

4. Enies Lobby

    For many, Enies Lobby is THE arc and I'm not disagreeing with them. It's such a display of raw emotion and exciting battles, a nonstop rollercoaster of everything that makes One Piece great. And it ends with a Viking funeral for the Going Merry, a scene that reveals Oda's true power as a writer: He makes you sob about a ship. 

3. Whole Cake Island

    If Enies Lobby is about being a hero, then Whole Cake Island is about letting that idea go. The Straw Hats can't beat Big Mom or her crew and will have to settle with getting Sanji and getting out. And Katakuri, the protective brother of the Charlotte family, learns that he doesn't have to be perfect all the time. It's a beautiful arc that shows that Oda is willing to play around with some of the pre-established ideas of One Piece.

2. Water 7

    Robin leaves. Usopp defects, Luffy is forced to do things that no captain wants to, and a villainous team shows up that seems unstoppable. Water 7 may be the first half of a story that continues with Enies Lobby, but I find it to be the better one (though not by much). It's an arc that constantly leaves you saying "Well, what else could go wrong?" and then something else does. And it's just so good.

1. Skypiea

    This is it. Everything good about One Piece, from the powerful villain (with a great weakness), to the touching themes, to enchanting locations, to the gripping adventures, is wrapped up in Skypiea. And while I have no problems with arcs being connected, there's just something about the standalone nature of Skypiea that leads me to regularly revisit it. It's an arc that makes me glad that I started this nearly 900 episode adventure in the first place. And that's the highest compliment that I can give.

  Want to make your own ranking? Then watch One Piece on Crunchyroll! It's literally the only way.

  What is your favorite One Piece arc? How do you feel about this ranking? Let us know in the comments!

    ------------------------

  Daniel Dockery is a writer and editor for Crunchyroll. He has a Twitter, where you can disagree with him. 

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