#his self esteem is BELOW TERRIBLEEEEE.

[coachbeards]

Oh i wholeheartedly agree! I’ve always thought that beard’s character is really Really fueled by self hatred in some form. even before the reveal of prison and what he had done to ted, beard after hours is rife with displays of loneliness, self-hatred, and a slew of mental health struggles. i think beard needs people, and I think that’s something he’s well aware of needing. After all, he’s someone who has expressed quick, frequent relationships. He found jane within a MONTH of being in Richmond…after he already joined a chess club. like. he immediately found a consistent group of people to be around, and that ended up with him meeting jane.

Take a look at beard after hours! when his hallucinations begin, what is the FIRST thing beard does? he leaves the solitude of his flat and seeks a familiar place out where he knows he wouldn’t be alone. Sure, he’d be sitting alone and by himself, but he wouldn’t be closed off from people. second time his hallucinations happen? he’s separated himself from the trio…literally isolating himself. And that in turns leads him to flirt with the redhead, and follow her back to her flat. Then of course he’s chased out, where he’s alone once more. While alone he’s kicked off a bus, denied help at a hotel, and brutally attacked. It’s also interesting to note that again his hallucinations occurred when he was alone. One against three….telling him that he doesn’t accept the love and support from the people around him. (Also when the buff boyfriend whose name I think is Darren saves him, the lyrics “now im no longer alone” start playing)

Beard NEEDS people. Like and it’s so clear HE KNOWS THAT. not only does he hate who he is when he’s alone, but that’s when the voices are the most quiet. People are distractions to him, sometimes. “In all my happiest memories, im single. That troubles me.” He WANTS to love and be loved. brendan has called beard a romantic at heart. But he chooses the wrong people. he gets dumped, he got his heart broken by a cruise ship dancer so badly that he almost swore off all dancers, but then he kept going out with them).

beard has never liked himself. Brendan said he’s been struggling with self love issues, and probably has all his life. A conservative mother, a tough home, sex work in college, drug addiction, abusive relationships, a stint in prison, etc etc etc. he hates himself. And he knows that. I’ve talked a little about how he and ted, while best friends, have a weird power dynamic that has definitely colored how beard views other relationships. I mean like. You betray one person and then devote your entire life to them and become their assistant for 15 years. Like. Beard is DEPENDENT on him. And then jane. And anyone who can help him. Not be him. “I’m under no illusions that [jane] can solve what ails me, but when im with her the world just feels…more interesting.” Like man that SCREAMS of depression. and he thinks HES the problem!!! Asking Mary if he had a problem, the texts reveal that he calls jane reasonable, etc.

Basically beard has a very very inconsistent self image. Extremely inconsistent. he hates himself and he’s filled to the brim with trauma and pain. And he seeks jane out bc,,, well. She makes his life interesting.

I’ve been ruminating on this a lot and i really really think beard’s ending would’ve been best if he remained in Richmond, but for himself. No ted, no jane. Hell. I’m not even entirely sure if he should stay a coach, but that’s another thing. beard has hallucinations, depression, displays of anxiety, suicidal thoughts, trauma, etc etc etc. he needs to learn how to heal and how to love himself for like. The first time in the world

also like. i do think about it a lot.

beard being told via hallucinations that he’d need a pep talk to kill himself………and then it was a pep talk by ted to get him to forgive nate (and himself)….