#his new form is neat but i'm hoping to see it in different lighting soon...

[t-u-i-t-c]

[be-with-me-so-happily]

Summary: Y/N applies to be a styling intern for the One Direction crew during the Where We Are tour. As she gets better at her job and closer to the band and crew (especially Harry Styles), some of her dreams seem to be coming true, but so are some of her fears.

A/N: Here we go!! It's gonna get juicy! This is my first time writing this kind of stuff, and I just hope I did it justice.

Warnings: Some language, alcohol consumption, recounting sexual assault, mention of loss of loved one, intercourse

~~~~~

CHAPTER 7 -

I CANNOT HIDE THIS EVEN THOUGH I TRY

Oct 1st, 2014

You flew to Atlanta last night after the music video shoot, to get enough sleep for the show today. As much as you like to push yourself in your job, Amelia is still insisting that you take it easy, and you actually follow the advice because you don't want to have to take more time off later.

Amelia puts you in charge of Harry's and Niall's dressing stations again, and you notice that Harry's outfit choices have been very… neutral. Not that he doesn't look good, it's just not as bold and different as you thought he had liked.

[He can make anything look good. No, no… stop]

When he comes into the dressing room, he has a playful expression on his face. He's been in a good mood lately.

"The usual for you Mr. Styles- black top and black jeans?" You laugh.

"Yes, with a side of boots, please." He jokes back.

You hand him his outfit and he starts taking his shirt off.

"Hold on rockstar, behind the curtain." But he just responds with a big laugh.

He immediately pulls his shirt back down. "I'm so sorry love. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"No, I'm not uncomfortable. I'm just trying to be professional."

He smiles. "Well, you are a stylist, so I'd say it's part of your job… and you have seen me shirtless twice now already anyway." He meets your eyes to gauge your reaction. "But only if you're comfortable."

[It's insane how quickly he can make you feel so flustered and yet so at ease at the same time]

He's dressed and now a mischievous smile appears.

"Hey, umm… so, since it's almost the end of the tour and stuff, I asked Amelia if you could… you and Natalie… could be in the crowd tonight. Would you wanna do that?"

You don't realize that your eyes light up and once you feel it you compose yourself.

"That sounds fun! Yeah!"

"Neat. Umm… what is your favorite song?" He asks. [This punk is mocking me with the 'neat' thing isn't he?]

You're not sure why, but you get nervous to answer his question. You can tell he is waiting.

"I think 'Right Now' is probably my favorite," you admit. "And Natalie's is 'Alive' I'm pretty sure."

"Oh, right." He clears his throat, "awesome, I'll have someone on security take you to a good spot. You and Natalie. Look for me, yeah? I'll be the one in the black shirt and jeans." He winks.

[Oh god. You may get another concussion again, because your knees are getting weak and could buckle any moment]

"Game on rockstar." You squint your nose and he chuckles once more before dressing behind the curtain and leaving the room.

~~~~~

You have actually never been to a One Direction concert, and since becoming an intern, you've only ever watched them on the screen with all the other crew. So tonight is something else.

A security guard ushers you and Natalie to the front of the crowd on the left side, (looking at the stage). You have your 'crew' shirts on, so you get to stand in the crew walkway.

As soon as the show intro starts, the crowd roars! It seems like it somehow gets louder with each new song. Once 'C'mon C'mon' ends, the guys walk to the center of the stage.

You point at him, smile, and mouth 'found you' as he sets his mic stand in place.

Goosebumps form on your arms as soon as the song starts. Your stomach is twisting and turning. You start rubbing your forehead and when you look up you see Harry look at you.

He mouths "what's wrong with you?" but you shake your head. He mouths again, "what's wrong?" and you just point to your stomach.

He puts his hand on his, "feel sick?" But you just shrug. You're not sick, and you know it.

He looks at you a couple of times throughout the song and you swear he tries to sneak some other glances too.

When 'Moments' ends, he and Liam run to the bathroom. A few seconds later you feel your phone vibrate in your back pocket. You check it, thinking it might be Amelia, but you see Harry's name pop up.

[What the hell is he doing?]

:harry: having fun?

:you: yes, get back to work!

[Really, what the hell is he doing?]

~~~~~

The rest of the concert is phenomenal! You and Natalie leave just before the finale to get back to the room.

You are both floating. You're so glad that you could experience it at least once.

The concert ends and the boys go rushing by, and you see Harry tries to look in as he is whizzing by.

As Sarah and Jade join you to pack up, and a few minutes later you hear that *ping* and check your phone.

:harry: you had fun?

:you: so much, thank you!

:harry: i wanna hear all about it! would you maybe wanna meet up when you get back?

[These feelings rising up are familiar, but a lot stronger this time, and harder to avoid]

You subtly get Natalie's attention to show her the texts and get her advice. You feel like this is the type of bold thing you stay away from… and you feel like the last time you let you opened that gate, you ended up actually messing it all up. She looks at you like you're an idiot and whispers back, "I'm demanding that you go!"

:you: sounds good. where?

There's no immediate response and now you're nervous.

:harry: is it too weird to come to my room? just less people.

:harry: like, paparazzi

:you: no, that's fine

:harry: can't wait! i'll have someone come get you from you're room in an hour?

:you: okay!

As soon as you get to your hotel room, you are stumped. You don't know if you should change… or what you should wear.

"Leggings, and a cotton tank top, with that burnt orange off-the-shoulder sweater. It's the 'cute because she's comfy' look." Natalie helps, with a wink.

"What is even happening Natalie?" You stress.

"Good things sweetie, right?"

"Yeah, but why? I hurt him. Twice! At least that's how it seemed. And then he took care of me! I didn't deserve that."

"I think he cares about you way more than you think." She expresses.

You want to argue with her, you don't feel like it's true…. but you want to be ready to go to Harry's room.

[Hanging out in Harry Styles' room. You've hung out with him, and even kisses him, but for some reason that one thought is so unbelievable… like you're living every fan's dream]

~~~~~

He ushers you into his suite and orders some dessert from room service. You sat down on the couch together to wait.

"Okay, so tell me, what'd you think?" He asks.

"I've never experienced anything like that. It was unbelievable!" You exclaim. There's no exaggerating on that part.

He grins so wide. "Did we do 'Right Now' justice?"

"I don't think you guys could ever disappoint."

"I don't know about that." He laughs. "But the song was good?"

"Beautiful, as always. It's such a good song."

The dessert arrives and you start eating some delicious chocolate chip cookies.

You enter into another amazing conversation, like you always do with Harry. It's so easy to be comfortable and open with him. So damn easy.

He talks about his favorite songs to perform, the funniest signs he's seen, and the wildest things thrown on stage. He lights up when he talks about it all, and you can't help but adore it.

[You should stop adoring him, but that feels impossible. Try to hide your feelings so no one gets hurt again]

"You think you'd want to come out again next show?" Harry suddenly asks.

"Umm… yeah. I don't know if Amelia would let me since things are wrapping up with the tour though."

"What if it's just for 'Right Now' then?"

There must be a permanent red pigment to your face now. "That's probably fine. I'll ask her tomorrow."

After a few more cookies and some more tour talk, you acknowledge that you should be getting back to your room.

He offers to have someone take you back to your room but you decline. No one needs to go through any more trouble for you.

As you open the door, he starts to say something.

"Hey, Y/N?" He pauses, but then adds, "I liked hanging out."

"Me too. Thanks for the cookies!"

"Come by anytime you have a cookie craving." He smiles.

You laugh. "Okay rockstar." And you head back to your room.

[You should've hugged him. Wait, should you have hugged him? Maybe not the best idea]

~~~~~

Oct 3rd, 2014

You were questioned a bit yesterday by Sarah, asking where you'd been and implying you were off with some guy. There's no way you were going to tell her what you were really doing. So you just tell her you were winding down in the hotel cafe.

It's the second to last show of the tour and there's an energy in the air that is indescribable. You weren't pulling many outfit choices now so that packing up and storing could be completed faster. It meant your job was a lot easier in that sense.

You visit Dana at the merch tables. They had a lot more inventory out now. While things are getting easier for you, they are getting more stressful for her. You offer to help, which gives you an opportunity to catch up.

She asks how you have been since Vegas. Seems word spread a bit somehow, though that's not surprising in this environment.

She switches the subject for you, focusing the conversation on the guy she's been sort of seeing now. She seems really happy, and you're happy for her. But you're almost a little jealous that she gets to be with and talk about the guy she likes.

~~~~~

A couple hours before the outfit changes, Liam comes in to check on you. You haven't really had a chance to chat with each other and you're glad you're able to talk. You apologize for his broken arm, but he dismisses it, saying he looks tough. He asks about your recovery and you mention everything Harry did for you.

He chuckles, "yeah, not surprised." And then immediately meets your gaze. "I'm glad you're okay darling."

He excuses himself and says he'll be back later to change.

You put your headphones in. You've liked making it a habit as you work, to relieve your stress. You are embarrassingly listening to 'Happily' and singing along when you turn around and see that damn curly-haired boy standing in the doorway.

You take the headphones out. "You really need to stop sneaking in here when I've got music on."

"And miss you bopping around to 'Happily' by One Direction? I don't think so!" He laughs.

You roll your eyes and then you finally notice that his hair is french braided on the side with a bun at the back.

"What's going on up there?" You point.

"It's hot as hell out there." He shrugs, and then he looks at you like he's wanting your approval. "Is it too weird?"

"No! It's fun! And functional!" He starts to smile and you add, "rockstars can pretty much do whatever they want anyway." And he laughs.

"You're coming out for 'Right Now' right?"

"Yeah, approved by Amelia."

"M'kay. Stand on the same side." He winks and walks out.

Natalie walks in. "Harry Styles has a new hairstyle!" and you immediately come up with a fun plan. "Let's braid our hair too! It'll throw him off, and keep us from being drenched in sweat."

~~~~~

You both finish some tear down duties and head to the crew entrance to the show. You decide to sneak in right after the song starts. You see him looking for you two. [You're winning at this round of hide and seek]

You realize he isn't finding you so you and Natalie make up some silly dance moves and he notices it right away, copying them on stage. You belt out the words and head backstage once the song is over.

"That was hilarious" you laugh as you get back to the dressing room.

"What's going on with you two?" Nat immediately asks.

"Huh?"

"Come on Y/N/N, you can't be that naive and I'm not stupid." She sighs, "he asked you to watch the last concert, has you stand out there to sing your favorite song to you, invites you to his room to hang out, then wants you to at least watch them perform your favorite song again tonight… looking at you every chance he gets…"

She continues, "are you going to go after what you want now?"

"We are friends now. It's nice and fun."

"Is that all you want?"

"I just want things to be good between us. And I'm not going to mess that up again."

As if on cue, you get a text from Harry.

:harry: craving cookies?

You smile but instantly try to hide it and Natalie catches on quickly. "Honey, just go for it. Whatever it is, have fun and be happy. You're allowed to be happy."

:you: no

:harry: oh okay

:you: but cheesecake sounds good :)

:harry: done. see you in an hour?

:you: deal

~~~~~

The cheesecake actually arrives at the same time you do. Harry has the biggest grin on his face when he opens the door. "Best thing to open my door to!"

As you're devouring your dessert, he comments, "you surprised me with your hairdo tonight."

"I was trying to throw you off but it didn't work." You joke.

"It almost did. Major distraction, not professional Ms. Y/N Y/L/N!" He jokes back.

You feel a bit of a sting. Professionalism is what you strive for, but also the reason you ended up curled up in bed at the rental house, trying desperately not to cry.

He can see your expression has changed. "Thankfully your crazy dancing was the right way to get me focused again, so job well done."

You look down at your plate and nod your head. "That's what I'm here for…" and let out a sigh.

"Hey… I didn't mean anything bad by it." He scoots just a tiny bit closer. "It's good seeing you having fun at the show." He admits.

You don't want to make things awkward, so you stick out your tongue. "Who said I had fun?"

He laughs. "Not invited to the last show then."

You joking sigh of relief. "Thank god, it's hard work pretending to enjoy it. They're so boring."

There's a moment of silence and then he asks, "wait, but do you not want to?"

"I'll check my schedule." You joke.

You both laugh and go back to eating cheesecake. There's a comfortable silence while you finish your dessert.

He hesitantly breaks the silence. "Hey, have you been okay lately? Umm… since Vegas… and since you stayed at my house and stuff?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. It's not a big de-"

He interrupts, "please don't say that! What happened was not okay."

"I'm really fine."

"You didn't deserve that. You deserve to feel safe, all the time." He asserts.

You start to feel something building up inside.

"I should've been there. I could've done something. That asshole wouldn't have come close to you, and definitely wouldn't have touched you."

You break. You haven't thought about it much at all, and you thought you were handling it. Moving on. But you realize it actually was kind of a big deal. A stranger touched you, grabbed you, tried forcing himself on you… and you couldn't do anything. You felt helpless. Unsafe. Out of control.

Tears start welling up and pouring out. Harry looks a little panicked and scoots right up next to you. He blurts out, "oh god, please don't cry… Can I hug you?" And you nod.

He wraps his arms around you. His safe and strong arms. It actually makes you cry harder, knowing it's the exact opposite of how you felt that night in Vegas.

"I'm so sorry Sunshine. I'm so sorry you went through that and I'm so sorry I wasn't there."

You curl into his chest even more. You can't form words at the moment.

He continues, "I hate that I wasn't there. You deserve so much better." His heart is beating so fast. "You deserve to always feel safe. I always want you to feel safe."

[You do. You do feel safe now, and you don't want to leave this moment]

You've never felt so emotional, and you've definitely never felt so at ease while so emotional. Words are finally starting to form, and your heart is overriding any thoughts that could stop you right now. "Harry… Can… Can I stay here tonight?"

"Of course love. You can take the bed."

"No- umm… can we just lay here?"

"Anything you need."

He scoots the two of you so that you are laying down next to each other, still holding you while you're nuzzled into his chest.

You instantly relax and you feel yourself drifting to sleep.

~~~~~

Oct 4th, 2014

You wake up but don't open your eyes right away. You are enjoying the warmth next to you and the aroma surrounding you. [Shit, he feels and smells so good]

Harry starts to stir and you finally open your eyes. He gives you a big squeeze and pulls back to say, "good morning love. Feel alright?" He sits up and adds, "would you like some breakfast?"

You nod. "Yes please."

He calls for room service and checks with you that it's okay for him to take a shower while you wait. While he's in the bathroom, you check your phone.

:natalie: girl… are you coming back?

:natalie: i get it, you're busy ;) text me later

:natalie: ps. if you don't want people knowing, we might need a cover story to tell sarah and jade

:natalie: but i will need all the details

You shake your head and chuckle.

:you: just talked & slept here, love you, & shut up

You send it and Harry walks out of the bathroom. This punk is wearing a pair of skinny jeans. Just skinny jeans. [That's just rude, being so hot]

"You wanna take one now?"

"I would but I don't have clean clothes. I'll take one in my room." You respond.

"Fair enough." He smiles.

Breakfast arrives and you share everything he ordered. You eat, drink coffee, and talk about what tomorrow will be like, since it's the last show. It feels so normal. Not like he is Harry Styles rockstar and you are the intern who picks the celebrity's outfits. No, it's you and Harry.

[You would do this forever if you could]

You meet his glance while you eat some toast, and butterflies rage in your stomach when you see that he looks down and smirks, shaking his head.

"What?" You ask.

"It's just nice doing normal things." He smirks again.

"I'm glad I can make you feel normal." You roll your eyes.

He gives you a gentle but serious look. "I really like this." And you smirk back.

Once breakfast is done you figure you should get back to your room to take a shower and get to the venue. He pouts a little.

He walks you to the door but you stop before you open it.

"Harry, I can't even thank you enough for… well, for letting me bawl like a baby in front of you, and letting me sleep here. I hadn't talked to anyone about it before last night. Thank you for being there for me."

He wraps his arms around you, and then kisses the top of your head. "Always. Never a question Sunshine."

You pull back and look at his beautiful, gentle face with those deep green eyes. You can't help it and lean in for a quick kiss.

You pull back quickly and wipe your lips. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not." He winks as he bites his lower lip. He gives you a quick kiss back, but leave it at that, because you know you wouldn't get to work on time.

[Professionalism may officially be out the window now, but you can at least get to the venue early]

~~~~~

Oct 5th, 2014

Since tonight is the last show, you doll yourself up more. You put on your white and rust orange horizontal stripe flared jeans paired with a black crop t-shirt and some white hoop earrings.

Amelia comes in when you all get to the venue, thanking you all for everything you've done on this tour, and surprising you all by letting you watch the entire show, "at the boys' request". You can't wait to get out there again.

You stand in your usual spot. The show starts and the entire venue erupts in screams. Sarah and Jade are overwhelmed.

'Right Now' starts playing. Natalie pinches your side, knowing full well what happened and how good you are feeling. You can't tear your eyes away from him. You can't stop smiling when he looks your way. When he sings his second solo part and grins widely when he glances over, you can't feel your legs. [Best show you've ever been too]

The entire concert is spectacular. It was a great end to a great tour, but you are excited for what's coming next. There's a huge after party and, to be honest, you are more excited for that than anything.

~~~~~

You get ready so quickly and you feel sexy. A black lace plunge v-neck top with black skinny jeans, paired with silver heels and silver earrings. Thankfully the party is in a banquet room of the hotel, so you grab the girls and basically run down there.

The music is playing, and people are mingling. Sarah and Jade make their way to the bar and you scan the room.

"Hey Sunshine" you hear from behind you. You twist around with the biggest smile on your face, to meet the eyes of the guy with the biggest smile on his own face.

Natalie quickly interrupts the staring, "I'll be over… somewhere else."

"You look… wow. You look incredible." Harry professes, handing you a margarita.

You look him up and down, admiring his black button up with white paisley print. Again, maybe like two buttons are actually being used, but you definitely don't mind that style choice tonight.

"Not too shabby yourself there rockstar." You reply.

He puts his hand on your lower back as you walk past everyone to a table in the corner.

"So, last show, what'dya think?"

"Insanely good. I still have goosebumps." You reply.

"The shows are the best part of the job honestly."

You happen to look up, past Harry, and notice someone looking your way. You chuckle.

Harry looks up, "what's funny?"

"I- uhh… I think Sarah is giving me the death stare because I'm talking to you."

"She's… an interesting one." He smiles. "But I think she might not like this either…" He suddenly guides you out to an outside patio, laughing the entire way.

"Ahh" he jokingly sighs, "safety."

You take a couple more sips of margarita. "This feels familiar…" you boldly state.

"Hmmm… yeah… think tonight will end the same as that one?" He asks with a wink.

You giggle but then get quiet.

"Hey Sunshine, what's up? Why're ya quiet?" He questions.

"I…" you need to just say this to get it over with. "I can't get past the fact that you were so kind to me after Vegas, and ever since then actually, after what I did." You pause for a breath. "It doesn't make sense and I don't deserve it."

"What are you talking about, love?"

"We had such an amazing kiss at that rooftop par-"

He interrupts, "amazing, huh?"

"Shush you!" You smile. "But then I put a stop to it the next day." You shake your head. "Then I visited you before you went to London, and we had such an amazing talk, and another amazing kiss… don't say anything, Harry… and I pulled away. And then walked away."

You look at him and realize he is just taking it all in.

You continue. "You said you thought I wanted it too. And I did. I really did. I just thought that it would be a bad idea and jeopardize a lot for each of us."

He's still listening.

"I hurt you, or assumed I did, and hurt myself in the process. I'm not good with feelings. It's hard for me to have them, let alone acknowledge them. So when I hadn't heard from you, I went to Vegas to distract myself and that… well, anyway, you came to me and took me in and treated me so well. I didn't deserve that." You finish with, "and ever since then you've been so… wonderful."

You didn't mean to kill the fun mood, but it actually felt good letting that all out.

"Y/N, I had wanted to kiss you for a while, and it didn't end how I wanted it to, but I don't regret doing it. And I never stopped caring about you after that."

Your head snaps up as he continues, "I probably did back off a bit. It was hard not to want to kiss you again at first." He blushes. "After Vegas I realized I wanted to be there for you no matter what. And if that means just being friends then that's what I'll do. You deserve to be treated right. Please don't say you don't deserve it."

He pauses, looking at you with that tender expression he showed on the rooftop. "What about now? You said you had wanted it too. But what about now?"

He drops his head, waiting for your answer.

Your stomach feels like it is doing somersaults, and your heart is pounding out of your chest. You aren't going to hold back this time. You're going for what you want.

You turn towards him and grab his chin to look at you. "Even more now."

He stands up straight and pulls your waist towards him. Wrapping one hand around your lower back, and one of the back of your neck, he pulls you in as close as he can. Your knees are weak and you are very aware of the yearning accumulating between your legs.

"Hey you two!" Niall yells, bursting through the doors. Harry growls.

"Oh shit, sorry there. I'll just…" he points to the door and walks back inside, laughing loudly.

Harry lets out a frustrated sigh. "Would you maybe want to go to my suite?"

"Yes!" You answer enthusiastically.

He laughs and leads you out of the party.

[Sarah would combust if she knew what was happening]

~~~~~

As soon as Harry shuts the suite door, he pulls you in again, just like before. But this time he doesn't take a moment for anything and plants his lips right onto yours.

You wrap your arms around his neck and he starts walking you backwards towards the bed. Once the back of your legs hit it, he breaks away. "Is this okay with you?" You nod and pull him back to your lips.

He can't keep his hands still, running them up and down your back, your waist, and then your ass. He grabs it firmly and you let out a subtle moan. That gets him excited and he pulls you closer into him.

You place your hands on his chest for a moment, and when more bravery kicks in, you undo the two buttons on his shirt, pull it back over his shoulders and down his arms. He tucks his hands under the back of your jeans to grab your ass again, but pulls away from your kiss. "Do you feel safe?" You nod again. "Please say it, love, so I know for sure."

"I feel safe Harry."

He returns his lips to yours and pulls you back in towards him. You can feel how hard he is under his jeans. You remove one hand from his neck and grab him over his jeans. He moans against your kiss. You reach for the button of his jeans but pull away to look at him. You want him to be comfortable too. "It's alright" he whispers.

He kicks off his boots as you undo the button and zipper. You pull them down over his hips and he shimmies them down the rest of the way.

"You're a little overdressed now" he jokes. You raise your arms up and he smirks while he pulls your shirt over your head. He lets out a breath as he takes you in, seeing that you weren't wearing a bra. You giggle.

You sit down on the bed to take off your heels, and slide your jeans off as well. Before you can stand up again, he bends down to kiss you, one arm on each side of the bed, and you scoot back so that he is hovering over you.

"Do you still feel safe?"

"I feel safe." You reassure him, so he grabs your hip with one hand and he lowers himself down to rest on you, the opposite forearm by your head. You grab his biceps and run your hands all over them.

He moves the hand that is on your hip to your panties, running his finger along the hemline. He exhales excitedly, as do you. His fingers slip into them and run down your center. You moan and open your eyes to see him smirk, as you bite your lip.

He slowly pushes them into you and you moan again, louder this time. "Fuck, you're so wet!" With that he moves them in and out, hitting that perfect spot each time. You squeeze his biceps tighter as he picks up his pace. You move your hands to his shoulder blades and run your fingernails across them. He pulls away from your lips and moans loudly.

He goes back down to kiss you but you put one finger up to his lips to stop him. "Do you still feel safe, love?"

"Yes, I do. But I want you inside of me." You confess.

"I just want to make you feel good, Sunshine."

"I do, and it will. That's what I want. Please." You plead.

"Anything you want." He gets up and quickly makes his way to his suitcase, grabbing a square packet and walking back over. "Thank god I just bought these."

"Presumptuous." You giggle.

"Just hopeful." He winks. He takes his underwear off and strokes the condom down himself, then hovers back over you.

You're squirming. You want him so badly. You need him so badly at this point.

He places his tip at your entrance then meets your eyes. "Safe? Ready?"

"Yes, yes! Please!" You plead.

He chuckles. "Okay, okay Sunshine. I'll give you what you want." With that, he slowly pushes himself inside of you.

You throw your head back and gasp as you feel him sliding in. You could see how big he was, but actually feeling it fill you is still a surprise.

"You good?" He asks.

"S- so good." You stutter.

He hums and starts pumping faster. "Fuck Y/N! You feel so good!"

You can't keep yourself from moaning over and over. "Oh god, Harry!" You cry out. "I think I'm about to cum!"

"Let it go baby, I want you to!" He pumps faster.

You quickly reach your peak and come undone. He pumps a few more times and matches your moans as you orgasm together. He stays there as you both come down.

Panting, he manages to mutter, "definitely ended better than the rooftop party," and you both laugh, still trying to fully catch your breath.

He finally pulls out, and grabs some towels from the bathroom to clean up.

He looks at you once he's done. "You're so beautiful, Sunshine." He bends down for another kiss. "I so desperately want to just stay here and just look at you all night… but I think we should go back to the party."

You agree, without question. You understand. You both get redressed and you make sure you don't look like you just had your world rocked by Harry Styles.

Before you grab the doorknob, he gently grabs your arm and swings you back around, bringing you in for one more passionate kiss.

"I'm a big fan of that internship now" he laughs, and you head back down to the party.

~~~~~

To avoid suspicion, you divert to the hotel lobby bathroom to double check your hair and makeup while Harry goes back to the party.

:harry: i came in through the side door. i think you're good to come back now through the front

:harry: i'll be the one talking to some of the crew, looking massively happy

:you: game on

You walk in and find Natalie. She instantly grabs your arm and pulls you aside.

"Where the fuck did you go?"

You basically grin from ear to ear. "I went after what I wanted."

"And???" She grills.

"I got it." You find Harry's gaze, seeing him wink as you subtly bite your lip. "And I'm happy."

~~~~~

Series Masterlist || Chapter 6 || Chapter 8

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[jamestrmtx]

Wish Upon a Night Sky - [Beastars | Various x Reader]

[Female, Sheep Reader | Slow Burn]

Act Two | Down to Earth

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"What are you standing there alone for, (Y/N)? Come sit with me!"

While you expect Juno would rather have lunch with people she already knows well, you see her stand up from her seat and approach your side when she spots you nearby. She holds the tray firm in one hand and waves with the other. In response, you smile and grab your own tray tight before following her, all while ignoring the ever-growing feeling of everyone's eyes on you, regardless of almost all the students around being too busy eating, talking, and walking to notice your presence. So far, and -- close to what you expected -- you've only talked with the wolf and the dog; the latter you hadn't even come across with since yesterday afternoon. Truth be told, you want to take up his offer and knock at the door of his dorm, but more than one reason restrains you from doing it.

First, you'd only known him for a day, and even if you really did only need to ask him more about the school, you couldn't gather sufficient courage to do it. Second, you didn't want to risk making your parents worry by telling them the very first thing you'd done was run off to the boys' dorm without a care in the world. Third and most important of all right now, you didn't know how to keep up a normal conversation with Juno without worrying about your word choice every few seconds, so merely thinking of doing the same with Jack made you retreat on the idea without thinking it twice. Having to share a room with someone else and the impending need to form small talk and prevent yourself from seeming rude or awkward was already draining enough -- mentally, most of all. You're aware you're far from prepared to tackle any other, larger issues without having an internal meltdown over them, so it's best to set some limits for the moment being; perhaps eventually, you could handle a bigger crowd, but today's not that day.

Being homeschooled weights more as a con the more hours you spend at this school. Not only do you have a hard time being social and getting adjusted to such a large campus, but you barely have any knowledge of the relationship between carnivores, herbivores, and those in-between. If you didn't wish to be classified as ignorant or naïve, you would soon need to ask either Juno or Jack to tell you where the library is. Starting off with some basic research is about the least you can do to break out of that shell -- once and for all.

"...Earth to lamb?"

You flinch and almost topple the juice box on your tray. 

It takes you a second to process that you've already made it to a table, and a few more to acknowledge Juno's now sitting down --  and with an empty chair waiting across from her, too.

"Sorry," you say, mouth and ears drooping just as much as your courage. Your head spins as you rush to sit down and shrink away in your seat, avoiding eye contact with her by all means possible. Then, you take your drink, open it, and sip some of it, hoping to ease the tension out of you. "I keep... spacing out lately."

Juno smiles and tilts her head to the side, while her ears perk and her gaze lights up. Her eyes are intent on you, and these carry the same brightness as when she talked with you about love. "Someone on your mind?" She looks behind her -- as if expecting to see your source of interest from close by; her smile remains intact as she goes back to looking at you. "Is it Jack?" she asks, winking. "You looked like you were getting along pretty well with him yesterday."

You smile back, though you still end up shaking your head to let her know otherwise. Having a crush on someone so quick and suddenly was unlikely for you, but the reminder of how passionate she seemed about this particular subject yesterday makes you believe she's the type to fall fast and love lavishly. You fork some of the salad on your tray and toy with it for a moment, mind yet to return from its journey as you consider her words and just how different your view on love is when compared to hers. "I was thinking of him, but not like that." You take in some air and brace yourself for any incoming questions. "I was actually wondering if… if you knew where the library is? I know he offered to help, but-"

"So there is something going on with you!" The wolf interrupts you with her excitement and stands up from her seat. Her gaze is now as wide as the smile on her face, and her energy almost rubs off on you. She places her hands on the table, leans in, and suspends herself over it. "Was it love at first sight? Don't skim on the details, (Y/N)!"

You scratch your throat and prepare yourself with a deep breath, at a dire need to tell her the truth. 

"Ah, n- no." You set the fork down and look up to meet with her eyes. The desire to clear things up grows stronger, and you can't ignore it for much longer. "I just want to make friends, but I'm not sure I'll be too successful in that, considering how… who I am."

Juno's excitement falls. Her gaze knits as she sits back down, and a frown replaces her smile, overpowering her previous attitude entirely. "What do you mean?"

You gather wit to be blunt, not wanting to sugarcoat how you feel about yourself and this recent change. "Frankly, I'm…" Your words trail off and you hesitate with a deep breath in, along with one out. "I feel I'm too... ignorant to understand how to get along better with others at this school." Hunger stays absent -- even when you stare down at your plate and breathe in its scent. Your confidence from yesterday proves to be little and outright superficial with how different you feel today, reaching towards a level of self-consciousness you haven't experienced since your early teens. "I only ever went to kindergarten, and the rest of my years were taught at home." You grab the juice box and drink from it in an attempt at finding your appetite again. When you gulp, it feels worse than before. Nausea arrives with how much you dwell over a single topic. "To be honest, It… It surprised me when I noticed I'd be staying in the same dorm as you. Jack heard me say something… rude about it, though I'm not sure if you heard me, too."

"Oh, I heard you," Juno replies, a laugh leaving her mouth. She takes a bite from her food before continuing with, "But I pretended not to." 

"Why would you do that?" you ask, now your turn to frown. "You were so close by when I yelled that…" Your face turns hot the longer you think about that memory. "It was rude of me. A terrible first impression, that's for sure!"

A grin forms on her face, though she doesn't say anything yet. Rather, she takes another bite off her meal, almost emptying the plate in the process. How fast she eats prompts you to start eating from your tray, against wasting any food and risking the chances of feeling hungry by your next class. "Maybe it was, but I wanted to see if you would bring it up someday." She sets the cutlery down and glances behind you, grin growing. "And you did," she adds, words as confident as you wish you could be. "Much earlier than I thought you would." Juno gazes behind you again; her tail wags and her eyes spark with what looks to be mischief. "Look behind you!"

You do as suggested and almost end up falling from your seat when you come face-to-face with Jack, his knees currently bent to match with your sitting height. His snout is nearly close enough to brush with yours, and that same excitement and joy from yesterday remains in his stance. "How's your first day going?" he asks, tail wagging at a similar pace to Juno's, although his smile proves to be more genuine rather than teasing. "It's nice to see you making friends already!" His eyes shift towards the wolf and turn back to you once more. Then, a slip of paper is offered out to you, this one folded neat and compact for you to carry. "Here's my number, in case you ever want to hang out."

"Being bold again, aren't you, Jack?"

His hold on the paper stays even as you take it; a hint of embarrassment shows up on his cheeks when he looks at Juno. Her comment -- slowly, but surely -- dawns on him and leads to him staying frozen in that same spot for a while. "It's not like that!" Jack exclaims, snapping out of it. He finally lets go of it to stand up straight and meet the wolf with a flustered gaze.

Juno, on the other hand, laughs it out with just as much glee as the first time "Sure, it's not," she replies, giggling. Her teasing nature returns in an instant, hardly giving him a chance to recover from the previous blow. "First, you invite her to your place, and then you give her your number, too? I'm the person you can least hide these things from."

That's enough for her to shut his mouth.

Jack's forced to find a distraction by facing you again, with a less confident look now present in his eyes. "Think we could talk later? I'm meeting up with some friends today." He stops for a second; fluster falls from his face as a cheery expression makes its return. "And maybe I can introduce you to some of them, too. I'm sure they'd like to meet someone new!" He takes a final glance at the paper before leaving the table, an act done while avoiding Juno's gaze from all angles. 

"Y- You can still keep that, by the way."

With that last, stuttered sentence, he runs off -- but not before waving goodbye. 

You wave back and watch as he disappears from your sight, leaving you alone with Juno once more, who smiles in response.

"So... Friends, huh?" she jokes, letting out a laugh.

Your tray almost ends up on the floor when she says that, hands shaking to the point where you can't bring much control over them anymore. 

While you're aware she's not being serious and that it's all done in good fun, you can't help dwelling too much on whether you're supposed to be here, and if someone like you would only cause more trouble to the school and all its people.  

"I'll take your word for it, (Y/N)."

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• • •

Updates will be weekly on Mondays from here on out!

[longingfreesia]

bury it in mine | ao3 mirror

raven and ciel try to set up a nice date, and end up with a bit more than they expected. wc 4291

note: i just think these two being happy and in love and learning to heal together is neat.

Ciel is washing up, and says, “I have a date tonight.”

Lu rolls her eyes. “Why are you telling me?”

Ciel takes her plate from in front of her (it’s already practically clean with how she eats) and smiles. “Because, I don’t want you trying to communicate with me and hearing us.”

“Why would I care?” She says, pouting.

“Well, I guess you wouldn’t. I guess you would just love to hear me talking to my sweetums.” He puts a sickening emphasis on the last word and Lu sticks her finger in her mouth, gagging exaggeratedly.

“You’re gross.”

“What, you don’t wanna see me and my darling peaches? My pumpkin sweetie pie? My little cuddle muffinー“

“Uuugh, okay, okay, stop it!” Lu whines, shaking her head with her hands over her ears. “I won’t snoop!” Ciel chuckles as he sorts the dishes into their place in the cabinets. Lu knows he’s won this round, and blows a raspberry at him as he pulls his chair out from their table.

...

Several hours pass. Ciel is more anxious than usual.

“That must be the third time you've checked the kitchen. What's got you so worked up?” Lu asks, boredom hanging on her words.

“It's a very special night! I have to make sure everything is perfect!” Ciel replies, stopping only for a moment to do so.

Lu scoffs. “Of course it's going to be perfect. You're the host, after all.”

Ciel stops once again to lean back into the doorframe and go ‘aaawwww, luuuu…’ in a way that makes her pout and him grin.

“You're a good kid, y'know?”

“Yeah, I would be if I were actually a kid.”

Ciel smiles, and slides into his spot at the table. “Maybe you're right. I shouldn't worry so much…”

“Duh! He gets all doofy whenever he's around you, he'll definitely be happy.”

Ciel turns to look at her, almost dumbfounded and it clearly evident on his face, and she feels smug. Tonight should be fun.

...

Ciel jumps up when Lu loudly announces she can tell Raven is outside.

“You're acting like a teenager.”

Ciel shushes her. She crosses her arms and he gives up.

He opens the door, and gasps softly.

“Ah, is it bad?” Raven asks. “I'm… not good with formal wear, so I didn't…”

“No, no, it's fine! More than fine! You look stunning.” Lu rolls her eyes behind him. Her butler was so easy to impress when it came to men. Raven had big muscles! So what!

Raven looks down sheepishly, and Ciel nearly melts. He's so cute. “...Thank you.”

“Oh! Come in. I've got something going already, but Lu isーLu!”

“What!”

Ciels voice is hushed but frantic as he rushes over to her. “You said you'd goー”

“And I will. After I get whatever you're making.”

Ciel groans. Lu has donned a smug face she hasn't in a while, and he knows this is payback. “Fine. Just behave.”

Lu smirks, and Raven chuckles. Ciel startles, having momentarily forgotten he came in. “You two get along well.”

Lu sticks her tongue out at him. This is going well.

“I need to go check on the foodーI'll be back as soon as possible, okay?” Ciel says. Both of them nod, and he leaves for the kitchen.

Lu immediately stares Raven down with an intensity he didn't know eleven-year-olds could have.

“Go ahead, sit.” She says, but it feels almost like a threat. He does as she says anyway.

“Have… I done something wrong?” He asks.

“No. The opposite… so far.” She says, kicking her legs back and forth under the table. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“About?”

“Ciel, what else?”

“Oh… of course.”

Lu ‘hmph’s and crosses her arms. “Listen to me well when I say this,” she starts, attempting to take on the regal voice she did so long ago, “Ciel is my royal butler. If you hurt him in any way shape or form, I'll have no choice but to get rid of you for good.” She narrows her eyes at him. “Got it?” She adds, punctuating it with a stomp of her foot. Raven blinks.

“Y… yes ma'am.”

“Good!” She exclaims. Then, after a moment of silence, “He cares an awful lot about you. I've only seen him get that look in his eyes about… someone… else important to him. He'll... tell you that on his own time, I think. But, the point is… you must be reaaal special for him to think of you like that. So just don't screw it up, okay? I can't have my butler with a broken heart.” Her tone is somewhat playful, but her face betrays her genuinity.

Raven isn't sure what to say, but for “Of course. I'd never dream of it.” That was the answer, yes, but the rest of what she saidーreally? Ciel thought that highly of him? It was… It was…

Lu scrutinizes him under her gaze a moment longer, then beams. “I'm gonna go to bed.”

“Hm? I thought you wanted the dinner Ciel is making.”

“That? Well… Maybe, but he asked me not to snoop. I'm a woman of my word, you know. I just needed to make sure you knew your place.” She smirks. “Hey, pinky promise?”

“Pi…” His confused expression shifts to a gentle smile. She really was a kid, wasn’t she? “Sure.”

Lu hooks their pinkies together and shakes his arm as hard as her little arm can, then skips off somewhere up a short flight of stairs.

Raven finds himself uneasy, for some reason.

One, he figures, likely being Lus near-threatening, another being… simply not knowing what to do in someone else home. He felt unwelcome, despite being invited here. Was it alright for him to be here, after all? Yes, surely…

A faint sound catches his ear, and his eyes go wide when he realizes what it is. Ciel… is singing, as he cooks. Not loudly, just a low, gentle hum over the sound of a low fire. It's… rather soothing, actually, and he feels his anxieties melt. He wonders, briefly, if this is something Lu gets to hear often.

He also wonders if perhaps Ciel would do that for him, sometime. It's a thought that makes him feel the need to shake his head as if to dispel it. But… it’s so nice, and something so elegant, in contrast to him… (could he ever sing, himself? no, that was silly.) It warms his heart, a bit, and he saves it in his mind.

Ciel soon after pops his head through the doorway, informing him that he'll be bringing something out in a moment in a singsong manner.

When he does finally come out, he's carrying platters of elaborate dishes Raven can barely (or plain doesn't) recognize. He feels like he's stolen something, somehow, or that he's lost.

The plates clink on the table. “I can eat this?”

Ciel snorts. “Yes, silly. I made this for you.” He pauses. “I hope it's alright, I'm used to making sweets, since that's what Lu likes, but… I think you like meat more, not the type for cake, so I tried that…” He practically speaks to himself instead of Raven with how he babbles. He appears to be so wrapped up in the food that he hasn't even noticed that Lu left.

Raven clears his throat. “I don't think I've ever even seen food this elaborate. Thank you.”

Ciel beams. His ears light up in a way that's very charming, and he practically glows with pride. “I'm glad!”

Raven… still feels somewhat like he isn't allowed to eat what's in front of him, but… (ah, where did he find steak that big…?) Just this once.

He would have to ask Ciel to teach him how to cook, soon.

...

He realizes, now, that perhaps he doesn't feed himself properly, and that he is very, very sleepy.

“Oh, are you alright? Maybe I went overboard…”

Raven simply shakes his head. He wouldn't want Ciel to stress over it. It wasn't bad, anyway, just new.

“Hm… do you want to go to bed?” He swallows, shortly, “I'd hate to send you home so quickly. You could stay here for the night?” He can feel his heart beating faster, nervous, but he was never one to let that show. Besides, he felt confident in this.

Raven blinks. “That's alright with you?”

“Why would I offer if it wasn't?”

“Fair point. Then where?”

Ciel suddenly straightens. “Ah... “

“What?”

“We don't have a guest room… Would you mind staying in mine?”

Ravens immediate thought is ‘no, of course not,’ as it was nothing to himーhe had spent nights packed into cots with his peers before, that would be nothing, except…

Except, Ciel was… different. He was, (he felt his stomach stir oddly at the words) in love with him. It was different.

He shakes his head, in any case. “That's fine, as long as you're alright with it.”

Ciel nods, and holds his hand out for Raven to take it. Raven almost misses it, confused at first at the unfamiliar gesture. He reprimands himself right after for being so strange.

Ciels bed is lit through a window by early moonlight. It's pleasant, making the room more comforting than it already looked. And… a few soft plushies lay on the sides of the bed. Lus? (speaking of, where did lu run off to? she can't have gone somewhere far, right? but he doesn't pry.)

“Hmm… you can borrow something of mine if you want something more comfortable to sleep in.” Ciel shrugs towards one of two doors next to each other. “The closet’s there if you wanna take a shot to see if it fits.”

Raven nods, except he shuffles awkwardly through what he can find and grabbing a pair of sweatpants. They’re loose enough that it doesn’t matter if they fit or not, and he doesn’t plan on wearing a shirt anyway. Ciel nods him towards the other door when he walks out, but when he exits again, he stares.

“What’s wrong?” Raven asks.

“Huh? Oh, nothing. Nothing at all, honestly. You just… always look good.” He laughs, breathy and short. Raven suddenly feels embarrassed. Did he always look at him like that? Not that he minded, so much, but… the concept of being attractive to someone was foreign and long-forgotten. And… mostly just embarrassing.

Ciel repeats the same thing Raven did, and comes out in an oversized shirt with… a large print of a very round cat in the middle? That was… cute…  He shuffles into the bed wordlessly, with the ease of a motion he’s taken countless times. Except, it was with someone else this time, wasn't it?

Raven finds that he's stayed silently by the door for a rather long time now when Ciel turns to look at him, concerned.

“Do you not want to get in? It's fine if that's the case.”

“No, I…” Raven starts, but doesn't know where he's going. He worries his lip instead.

“...Mmm.” Ciel gets out of the bed and walks to him, taking his hand. “It's alright. Come on.” He says, pulling lightly on his hand. Raven follows the lead, and comes to sit on the edge of the bed with him.

He thinks he should at least turn away for this, or something, so he does. A ritual he knows by heart and muscle memory, a seal popping open, and a very strange feeling later, he hefts his Nasod arm to the floor and props it up. He’d have to quickly get it back on in the morning, but… it’d cause more trouble than convenience if he didn’t.

Ciel is staring, again. He quickly catches himself, but not before Raven notices.

“...Sorry.”

“Everyone does. It's fine.”

He shifts under the sheets with Ciel, and suddenly feels very wrong. He doesn't deserve this, does he? He most certainly doesn't, not like this. He’ll hurt Ciel if he gets any closer, so he should stay on the opposite side, and…

and Ciel pulls him by the waist into his arms.

“That's better,” he mutters sleepily, and rubs circles into Ravens back.

It's… good. Ciels embrace is calming, and feels more like home than anything Raven’s felt in… who knows how long.

But still… still, the feeling of being undeserving persisted. Ciel must have been able to feel how he remained stiff and anxious, because he kisses Ravens forehead.

“Hey,” he says, guiding Ravens hand to his own hip. “I want to be here with you. ...You won’t hurt me, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Raven breathes deeply before looking Ciel in the eyes. “Do you promise?”

He smiles, almost laughing. “I promise.

In fact…” He trails off, leaning closer to Raven, almost directly on him. “I want you to kiss me.”

Raven at least knows enough to know it'd be awkward to say anything, and obliges. Ciel is warm, and it spreads to himーwarm, soft and encompassing, something Raven welcomes with open arms, lets cover him whole. It feels safe, with himーsomething he rarely feels anymore.

Perhaps it's alright, thenーjust this once, to allow himself to let his guard down, to be happy without consequence.

Maybe… just this once. Maybe (he hopes, somewhere deep in his heart he can't yet see,) much more in the future.

...

There's something warm, something wet, something too bright covering his arms to the biceps. He doesn't get time to process it before he's lifted and shoved by the collar towards a tank, barely harboring a glance at the floor before being submerged. Bodies, bodies smothering it, smothering himーhe can't breathe. Every gasp is filled with burning liquid, every frantic scrape he takes at the glass is meaningless. He can't move his limbs, anything, everything is numbing. He can't let this happen, not again not again notー

He wakes and the ceiling is too far away. He moves his left arm first, remembers where he is, then tries his right, and remembers there’s nothing. He finds a warm hand almost immediately after scrambling in front of him again with his left, and gasps.

Ah, Ciel… Right, he's with Ciel… They fell asleep together, something that hadn't happened before.

He takes a deep breath and makes a decision.

“I'm sorry, Ciel,” Raven mutters before making to get out of the bed. Ciel stirs when he gets up, and he curses under his breath. He freezes, holding his breath and waiting until Ciel settles again before leaving.

...

The night air feels like stepping through a certain, into something new and refreshing. He breathes in deeply, trying to collect himself. He shoves his hand down the pocket of his sweatpants (ciels, rather), wondering if anyone would cause a fuss over a scary-looking man with one arm wandering around at night.

That was what people called him, wasn't it? Scary. He shakes his head. He knows he didn't give that feeling before he was captured. He figures it's a combination of the Nasod arm and all his scars. And… his demeanor. He tries to be nicer, he really does… He sighs. There's nothing to be done about it, really, is there? He's tried for years, to no avail. Perhaps he's damaged in more ways than his arm.

He kicks a loose chip of the sidewalk. It was a bit cold… It was the middle of the night, after all, and he'd only bothered to pull on his shoes so he could walk before heading out. It didn't matter, in any case. He would live. Nonetheless, he shivers and rubs his shoulder. He knew this part of Ruben well enough to know that… soon enough, a small river would come into view. He quickly gets to it, just as he thought.

He's come here before, on a few occasions like this. He finds water calming, for whatever reason. He settles by the shore, staring out at the surface of the water, rippling gently with the cool night winds. He attempts to settle his breathing, tune it with an imaginary flow of the waves. Ciel didn't need to see him like this. This way, he could deal with things on his own, and no one would be burdened with his issues.

The water is tranquil, and the aura of it seeps through his chest, until he finds the maelstrom in his chest has calmed. Running away like thisーit wasn't something he did before, either. But this was good, he knew it wasーit was the best possible solution that he could access to his troubles. At the very least, it was certainly better than… less than savory methods he'd used to cope in the past.

He stays like this for a long while, contemplating more than he likely should, in a state like this. He's only broken out of it when he hears frantic footsteps.

Shit, shit, shit, who is that? If it was just a passerby, he'd be fine, but if it wasn'tーshit, he hadn't brought a weapon, and his balance was thrown off (if just slightly) with no prosthetic.

“Raven? Are you there?” A familiar voice calls, and Ravens heart twists.

“...How did you find me?” He asks, perhaps too quietly.

Ciel rubs the back of his neck as he keeps walking to Raven. “I don't know that myself. I ran around for, ah, who knows how long until now.” He near collapses next to Raven when he gets to him. Raven feels his heart twinge with guilt. Had he been looking for him the whole time he'd been out…?

“...I’m sorry.” Raven mutters. Ciel laughs, out of breath.

“You should be!” then, after a moment, “I'm kidding. Very much so. You scared me half to death, though…” Ciel hangs his arms on his knees, breathing heavy. “So, any reason why you absconded into the night like that? I'm just that bad of a host?” He tries to keep his tone light, but concern shines through.

“It's… nothing, really.”

“Running off at four o’clock in the morning is kind of a little more than nothing.”

Raven runs a hand over his face, keeps it in his hair and stares at the stars. “It's nothing for you to worry about, at least.”

Ciel watches him as his head falls. “Raven?”

“Mm?”

“If…” He leans over to take Ravens hand in his own, ever-so-softly, and Raven turns to look at him in surprise. “If we're, really, seriously doing this, it's absolutely something for me to worry about.”

Raven feels his heart swell through the genuine words and Ciels gaze. “I… Sorry. I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to… ruin the night you set up.”

“Shhh, don't be, you didn’t,” Ciel says, kissing Ravens knuckles. “Just let me know what's wrong.”

“You could tell that much?”

Ciel scoffs. “Is running away something you do when you're happy?”

Raven rolls his eyes. “Alright, I get it. It… was a nightmare, is all.”

“‘Is all.’”

“What?”

“That’s really all?”

Raven fidgets anxiously. He squeezes Ciels hand, not meeting his gaze, “No… It's not.”

“...Is it something I can know?”

Raven once again looks surprised. “What do you mean?”

“I mean…” His face grows more solemn. “Things appear in my nightmares that… are very, very personal. If that's not something you're ready to share with me, it's okay. If you are, though... “ He brings Ravens hand to his chest. “I'm here to listen to anything you tell me.”

Raven clenches, unclenches his hand, stares at the ground between his feet. After a long moment, “I’ve told you how I got my Nasod arm, haven’t I?”

Ciel nods. “A little. I know you were experimented on, not much else.”

Ravens face is scrunched up something fierce, and he scowls at himself. “I… had a fiance. Comrades. They… were all killed, when I was kidnapped, and someone I had trusted aided in their murder.” He tries not to pay attention to the way Ciels face goes soft and heartbroken. “That’s… all I need to say, I think. You can likely imagine what the nightmares are about, now.”

“Ah…Iー”

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry for me. I don’t need it.”

“I wasn’t going to.”

“Then what?” If you’re not going to offer me your pity like everyone else, then what?

“I lost someone very important to me, too.” Ciel mutters, leaning against Ravens arm now.

“Hm?”

“He was… like a father to me. He took me in after my family was killed. I had a little sister, too.” Raven chances a look at Ciels face. He’s staring out at the water, head leaning on Ravens shoulder.

He has a smile on his face, but he’s not looking at the water, is he?

“He died, then?”

“Mm. What do you think? Killed, rather.” He gives a soft laugh. “He wanted me never to be like himーnever to be a hitman like himーeven made me promise not to hurt people.” He closes his eyes. “When I found out he was killed… I was just a kid, but I killed the people who hunted him down. With my past, nowーso much for that promise, I guess…”

Ciel hums and wraps his arm around Ravens, getting somehow even closer to him. “That’s my sob story. If I’m going to trust you, might as well get it all out.”

Raven lets them stay quiet for a moment, wrapped up in each others presence.

“Thank you… for telling me.”

Ciel shrugs. “I just want you to know that, you’re not alone in that pain, I suppose.” Then, after a moment, “Just because I spilled all that out doesn’t mean you have to. It’s okay if you don’t want to say anymore than you already have.”

Raven squeezes Ciels hand. “...Maybe… Maybe another time.”

“That’s fine.”

They watch the water together in silence. Raven tries to process everything that’s been said. The water is achy and the air feels thin with the scent of fresh grass. It’s familiar and not.

“Hey… Why’d you run off? You could’ve talked to me…” Ciel asks, lifting his head up to look at Raven.

“Ah, er. I didn’t want to burden you. I didn’t think you’d wake up…”

Ciel shakes his head. “The bed was all cold and empty after you left. I guess it was enough to disturb my sleep.” He pauses, then adds, “I’m glad it did. I don’t want you to be alone like that…”

“It’s not an issue. I’ve done it for years. Getting out, away from things, it helps me. It clears my mind, and doing it alone makes sure it doesn’t bother anyone.” Raven says as if it’s the plainest thing in the world.

“Mmm… Maybe so, but… I love you, you know. It wouldn’t bother me.” Ciel says, soft, almost a whisper.

‘I love you, you know.’ ‘I love you.’ ‘I love you.’ His tone so gentle, so genuine, repeating itself in Ravens mind, knowing it was directed at him, that it was meant wholly and truly…

Raven asks, pensively, “May I kiss you?” and Ciel dons a sleepy smile, nodding.

So he does, and it is safe, and it is comfortable, and he is most certainly home.

Ciel says, “I’m very glad I met you,” and nuzzles into Ravens neck, and Raven melts.

“And I you.” Raven pulls Ciel closer to him, arm around his waist.

“I want… I want to be there for you, like you have been for me,” Raven mumbles into Ciels hair. “I am not… particularly… good with emotions, mine or others. But, I… you deserve the same compassion you’ve given to me.” He seems to stumble over his words, as if finding a rocky path through a river.

Ciel smiles. “Aww, you’re a sweetheart.” Raven looks almost shocked, and he laughs. “But, really… It’s enough just to be with you.” He tips his head up towards Raven. “It’s wonderful. I couldn’t ask for anything more.”

‘I don’t deserve you,’ flits through Ravens mind. ‘I don’t deserve such love, such care,’ he almost says it, the words dyeing his lips and then seeping in. He decides against it. Ciel shivers out loud and Raven pulls him closer.

“I’m… sorry for making you come out here in the middle of the night. We should get back inside, you’ll get sick.”

Ciel laughs at him. “I’m not that fragile, you know. But… yeah, I would like to get back in the warm house.” He shifts up to kiss Ravens cheek, and he almost doesn’t register Ciels next words from surprise. “Mm, but you’re so warm. Like a heater.”

“Let's go home,” says Raven, softer than anything else he's said tonight, and half-carries Ciel back to his bed.

The night is still cold, but Raven feels a warm fireplace in his chest that outmatches all of it.

...

By the time they get home, Ciel has shifted from walking beside Raven, holding his hand, to being near-asleep leaning against his side, with Raven having to nudge him alert every now and then.

He attempts to get in the doors as quietly as possible, and without disturbing the man half-asleep on his shoulder. He briefly forgets where the bedroom is, but he eventually finds it and nudges the door open with his foot and helps him into bed, where he goes still almost immediately.

It was… calming, somewhat, to watch him fall into sleep so easily. Knowing he could keep Ciel safe, and he could be that comfortable around him… It was good. Perhaps… he was capable of loving him as he deserved, perhaps he was capable of more than hurt.

He slips into the bed after him, and this time, lets himself lay close to Ciel, soaking up his warmth like a cat on a windowsill.

Maybe… Just maybe, he was allowed this happiness.