#his comedy chops need to be appreciated so much more...

[namchyoon]

me when i'm asked to do anything

[justagirlandhersims]

I truly believe this new version of the Blackpool Combat Club is what creative hoped The Elite angle would be. While Matt and Nick are a great tag team, their strength as heels is comedy (side note - Okada has turned out to have some pretty good comedic chops as well). If you're trying to "take over" a promotion, can we really take you seriously if you're wearing your weight in grandma's pearls? If anything, the only one who seems to have understood the assignment in The Elite is Jack Perry.

On the other hand, the new BCC is brutal. They have a mission and are singularly focused in accomplishing it. They have shown in a short time how far they are willing to go to "save" AEW. Moxley has always been known for his mastery in violence, while Matt and Nick's heel personas have always been more "douchebag frat bro". What a takeover needs is ruthlessness, violence, brutality - all the things that Moxley, Claudio, PAC and Marina (who is finally being used properly!) have in spades. Wheeler is their newest disciple and his turn was telegraphed beautifully by this shot:

Wheeler, who has been by Bryan's side. Who was forced to watch the BCC turn on his hero. Who was struggling to understand how Claudio (who lets be honest is his tough love father figure) could "abandon" a club Wheeler gave his blood, sweat and tears to. That Wheeler is reaching out for help (after being attacked viciously by the aforementioned father figure) while Bryan plays to the audience. Did Bryan eventually go and check on Wheeler? Yes. But I think by that time, the damage (both physically and emotionally) had already been done.

Now we come to the end of Wrestledream last night. This is one of the final shots before the PPV went off the air. Why? Because these are the people who will be leading the fight against this new Blackpool Combat Club. Who do we have?

Darby Allin - the handpicked successor of Sting. The very Sting who led the charge in World Championship Wrestling against the New World Order. Darby has had a tough time of it lately (both in and out of the ring - who gets hit by a bus and then goes to a play afterwards?). He has been a little lost now that Sting has retired. He was even handed his first coffin match loss. Moxley pretty much offered him a spot in the new BCC but Darby doubled down and pledged his loyalty to AEW. His fight against Brody King last night showed he is willing and able to go against seemingly insurmountable odds... and win.

Orange Cassidy - this man has become the heart of AEW. From a gimmick to hands down the best International champion this company has had. That speech (not a promo, a speech... in ring and heartfelt) he gave before his match against Moxley for the international belt at All Out last year? That was when we saw the beginnings of Orange Cassidy, the leader. This year, he has been betrayed by not one but TWO of his best friends. He knows what it is like to believe in a faction, in a group of friends and have that blow up in your face. He has clawed his way back with The Conglomeration (which, who knew that would turn out to be the faction we all needed right now), which shows his resilience. And much like Darby, he has never turned his back on AEW.

Daniel Garcia - I'm going to be honest... I didn't like him at the beginning. I especially didn't like him under the Jericho Appreciation Society (but the JAS was a joke from the get go, so I can't really fault him for that). The dancing... I could have done without. BUT I understand why the audience loved it. He has the same amount of potential Bryan did when William Regal started mentoring him. I'm not just stating my opinion - Bryan himself has said as much. While MJF betraying him wasn't that surprising or life changing, it opened Daniel's eyes to the "worst" part of AEW (kayfabe wise, not in real life - MJF is meant to be the personification of the overblown ego of a wrestler). His contract came up and what did he do? He recommitted to AEW and when Bryan was attacked, he came out to help. Because like so many younger wrestlers in the back, Bryan is his hero.

Hook - Let's be honest. Hook could have coasted on his father's name and reputation. TAZ is so well respected (and rightfully so), we all know doors were opened for Hook that may not have been available to others. But unlike a lot of nepo babies in the business, Hook has put in the work to become a solid technical wrestler. He doesn't have the ego one would associate with a nepo baby. He happily looks up to and takes mentorship from those around him (except Jericho but ignoring anything Jericho says is a sound life strategy). And like his father, he has put his lot completely in with All Elite Wrestling.

Not pictured: Eddie Kingston. Eddie can turn out to be such an amazing addition to this storyline. Think about it. His brother from another mother Jon has aligned himself fully (and brutally) with his mortal enemy Claudio. Bryan spent a good month and change belittling Eddie. At the same time, Eddie loves wrestling. Anyone with half a brain knows how much this man lives and breathes this sport. So what will he do when he returns? Will he set aside his hatred of Claudio and align with Jon? Will he avenge the honor of someone who called him the "king of the bums"? Or will he (and this is what I think will happen) become just as much a leader of the locker room as Bryan has been since he came to AEW?

Now finally, let's talk about Bryan's last run. He has said in recent interviews that Tony Khan wanted him to have that Wembley moment. That was not a creative decision he made. TK did it out of respect and I can understand his reasoning. But Bryan didn't want his end to be in service of himself. Instead, he picked Moxley to "retire" him. He used his final match to set up a civil war within AEW - a storyline which will bear a lot of fruit in the coming year. This will also set him up to come back (once this poor man's body gets the rest and recovery it so desperately needs) as a leader for the next generation. He will be the new William Regal but without the darkness that Regal freely admits he carried within himself.

Every single person involved in this angle deserves a standing ovation. Not just for their wrestling prowess but for the emotional weight they added to it. Wheeler alone deserves some sort of award for the turmoil he's shown week in and week out since All Out. You could hear the tears in Excalibur's voice as he tried to finish his duties as commentator. The look on Bryce's face when he called the match for Moxley... that hurt my heart. Darby struggling against so.much.tape in a vain attempt to help Bryan. Hell, his face as he came to the conclusion (whether right or wrong) that this wouldn't have happened if he beat Moxley.

What really got me though? The screams of "no" when Wheeler stood up after checking on Bryan. He hadn't even done anything yet but we all saw the train wreck happening in slow motion. That's how you know a story has been told well.

I for one cannot wait to see where all of this takes us. I have been a wrestling fan for over 30 years. I was watching live when the nWo formed. To see a new, fresh and even more brutal take on that iconic storyline is an absolute treat for me.

So thank you, Bryan. Thank you Blackpool Combat Club. Thank you Orange Cassidy, Darby and Private Party. Thank you to every single person who brought this story to life.

[mouthpiece-simp]

treekiller x reader please?? i love my man spruce so much…

Treekiller x Reader Headcanons

Feels nice to be "bark" writing headcanons and returning to my roots. Okay, I'll admit that was terrible and I should leaf the puns alone. I shouldn't be trying to branch out into comedy.

...I'd post more tree puns here, but I think I'm stumped.

🪵You? Liking Spruce? Your friends thought you were joking, but when you started blushing they realized... oh, you're not joking.

🪵So they decided to tell Spruce because they thought it was funny.

🪵He basically laughed at them and told them it was a good joke and that toons and Cogs will always hate each other.

🪵And then the next time he saw you and realized the way you were acting, he realized... oh, they weren't joking.

🪵He decided to heck with it! Why not give it a swing? Worst case scenario, he just has to chop you out of his life.

🪵So he asked you out, and you said yes... and that's how you started dating!

🪵Spruce isn't much for giving physical affection since it's just not really his love language, but he's absolutely not complaining if you give him a hug or even a kiss.

🪵His hugs are back breaking... you'll have to remind him not to snap you like a twig.

🪵He sometimes likes to pick you up and spin you around.

🪵But his main love languages are acts of service and gift giving, so he does that a lot.

🪵Need any work done? It's done. From repairing a broken sink to grabbing you some gags at the gag shop {he said he was curious about silliness to convince the clerk}, he can help you with just about anything.

🪵And the gifts he gives you? They're all home made... usually out of the trees he cut down that day. Or maybe he'll just cut down a few more perfect trees because you only deserve the finest quality gifts.

🪵You now have several chairs, some boxes, a new bedframe, a new wardrobe, a new desk, a bird feeder {??? do toons even use those???}, several tables... heck even a whole new porch! How many trees have died for your beautiful luxuries? Don't ask... and don't go looking around Acorn Acres.

🪵I hope you're not too keen on helping the environment because Spruce does not care AT ALL about it. He doesn't do stuff like littering just because it looks unprofessional, but he doesn't care about trying to use clean energy and other things like that. You will have a tough time convincing him to care.

🪵You are not getting the sawdust out of your house now, sorry. Spruce just has it all over him no matter how hard he tries to get it off before coming to see you. It will be all over your floor and your furniture, get into your blankets and clothes... Yeah, it's basically glitter except it doesn't sparkle.

🪵Spruce grinds his teeth at night {at least the log prevents him from grinding his teeth together?}, so don't be surprised if he doesn't feel like talking for a few minutes after he wakes up. Ice packs, kisses, and cuddles are very much appreciated while he's still in a lot of pain.

🪵Speaking of being in pain, if he ever finds out that you went sad he'll do his best to find out who did it and put them on the chopping block. If they happen to be a Bossbot, they're almost guaranteed cut out of the picture because of his close friendship with Chip.

🪵To relieve stress, Spruce cuts down trees. If you see him cutting down more trees than usual or when he's not on the clock, you should probably ask him if he's okay.

🪵He likes to randomly shower you with tons of compliments just to make you get embarrassed. It's kinda his way of flirting.

🪵He's got a loud, hearty laughter. You can't help but giggle with him every time you hear it because it's contagious. He uses that to his advantage as his way of giving you a toon-up.

🪵Toons and Cogs alike will always wonder how Spruce of all Cogs ended up dating a toon. Expect both of you to be constantly asked how it works, how it happened, ETC.

🪵You'll hear tree and axe puns on the daily.

🪵Spruce is definitely an honest guy who works hard and is kinda misunderstood by a lot of people, but you get to see the real him.

[agentnico]

Shrinking - Season 1 (2023) Review

“What kind of a person hugs and tells!?” is a great line! I get that out of context this quote means nothing to the passive reader, however within the moment and Harrison Ford’s delivery of that line is pure hilarious perfection. If you’re intrigued, it’s the more reason to watch this show!

Plot: A grieving therapist starts to break the rules by telling his clients exactly what he thinks. Jimmy has lost his wife and wants to try a new approach to his loss, but it is unclear how this will help others.

Amongst Apple TV+ aim of dominating the streaming realm, we have been given the pleasure of receiving a new comedy drama series from the writers of Ted Lasso. That’s it - stop there. You sold me this one. As for anyone who hasn’t seen Ted Lasso, it is probably the one main reason to subscribe to the Apple streaming platform. Ted Lasso may just feature the most outright positive set of characters to ever grace television screens. Especially the titular Ted, played charmingly by Jason Sudeikis, offers compassion, humility and decency, even in the face of insults and abuse. His unshakeable good mood could have been an irritating trait in the wrong hands, but Sudeikis gave the character an endearing quality which lifted viewers' spirits. And the surrounding cast around him is for the most part delightfully lovely. Except for Nate. I mean f*** that guy, am I right?? So the writers set out to repeat the magic with the new series titled Shrinking. Does it have the cult status set out by its older football-themed brother? Well...

What Shrinking reminds me of is those early 2000s Judd Apatow comedies, that always featured one outlandish (commonly raunchy) plot point however within that were a set of immature characters who have some growing up to do, featuring earnest themes about love, relationships, friendship and family. With Shrinking there isn’t much raunchiness, however it is very much a show about flawed characters who have some growing up to do. Jason Segel, who previously appeared in a few aforementioned Judd Apatow films, leads the cast here as the grief ridden therapist who has lost his way in life after losing his wife. His growth is as obvious as apples on trees - he needs to let go of the past and learn to appreciate the good things surrounding him in the present. His daughter on the other hand needs to learn that her dad is so much better and supportive than she makes him out to be. And so on forth with the rest of the characters. 

I would say Shrinking is nowhere as remarkable nor memorable as Ted Lasso, however what works in this show’s favour is that it is an easy watch. All the characters are super likeable and watchable, you get plenty of solid humour as well as enough dramatic heft too. Jason Segel as always looks like a lost beat down dog, but that’s weirdly his most appealing charm. If you’ve liked Segel in How I Met Your Mother or Forgetting Sarah Marshall, he’s the same Segel of guy here who’s constantly having a midlife crisis and can never amusingly do anything right without frustrating someone. Harrison Ford gets to stretch out his comedic chops here and receives some of the script’s funniest lines, delivered wonderfully by his regular grizzly grunt-filled voice. Jessica Williams also brings a lot of fast paced energy and excitement to her role, and then I also wanted to give a shout out to Ted McGinley. He plays Segel’s neighbour’s husband, and he’s not in the show much, but whenever he did, he’d always be this overly positive happy go lucky bean. Just so happy and delightful. Love that guy.

In terms of problems, I’d say the show suffers a little from an identity crisis. It’s pitched as a story where a therapist begins to break rules and starts telling his clients exactly what he thinks and telling them what they need to do. And for the first couple of episodes that is somewhat present, but after than this concept if for the most part completely dropped, whereas I wish there could have been more done with it. Additionally, there are certain characters here that are blatantly unlikeable, and I don’t think the show realises this. For example, Ford’s character is suffering from a developing Parkinson’s disease. So he begins reconnecting with his daughter, however she is an outright despicable self centred human being who is absolutely horrible to her dad. Yet the show tries to justify the daughter’s actions by seemingly making it seem like Ford deserves all the berating and neglect from her. Same goes for Segel’s daughter - at times she was annoying too. Basically, it seems like Shrinking makes it seem like all daughters are terrible, which seems a tad perplexing. 

Overall I enjoyed this new Apple TV+ comedy series. I’ve heard they’ve already greenlit a second season, which I am perfectly okay with as it’s a perfectly apt sitcom that one can tune in to on a weekly basis for 30 minutes of giggles. It doesn’t break any new ground, but it’s an easy watch, and sometimes an easy watch is exactly what ones needs.

Overall score: 7/10

[mogwai-movie-house]

The Unknown (1927)

This Tod Browning film has a legendary status that always baffled me in the past, because it was often referred to as some sort of half-lost classic, whereas the truncated and poor quality versions of the film I had been able to see before, while an obvious cult contender because of the bizarre premise (a criminal hiding in a circus pretends to have no arms, only to chop his real ones off in hopes of winning the neurotic woman he loves) often seemed just too silly to convince, at least as a whole. At no point does Lon Chaney ever convincingly look like an arm-less man, and the shots of him dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief obviously held by someone else's foot at times teeter much too close to comedy and so continually break the spell.

The new Criterion Blu-Ray restoration is visually far better than any that came before it, and about a quarter of an hour longer, too, but the desire to restore the film to as much of its original runtime as possible means they have included every scrap of negative they've been able to lay their hands on, and so practically every shot begins and ends with damaged or excess frames, making the whole thing feel like a glitchy, unfinished workprint. On top of this, all the title cards are on screen for more than twice as long as they need be, and a few of them are needlessly repetitive (all the "hands! hands! I hate men's hands!" stuff) and overly-melodramatic. These two aspects alone affect the flow and forward motion of the film terribly.

In addition, the new score is generic and forgettable piano music, of the kind I strongly dislike: it would have been much better to have commissioned something like that which accompanies the other newly restored Browning film, 'The Mystic', with its thick, eerie atmosphere and precisely-added sound effects, or the John Cale score from 1999.

All these issues frustrated me so much when I watched it that I actually spent a couple of days making my own edit, fixing all the issues I listed above and a few more, and I can say that spending so much time poring over each frame has made my respect for the film and its maker go up enormously, and I now see the rich, deep and thoughtful work of art that lies within it. Chaney's performance is more impressive when pared back a little: trimming some of the continual over-the-top reaction shots makes one focus upon and treasure the smaller details he puts in.

There are some fantastic moments from Chaney - the point he realizes his self-mutilation was for nothing is the high point of the whole film, and one of the most powerful scenes in all cinema - but Joan Crawford is excellent too: clearly a star in the making, and more beautiful than she would ever be again. And repeated viewings made me really appreciate Norman Kerry, as the handsome circus strongman also devoted to Crawford: at first he seems simply light relief, but his subtle waves of hurt and longing and confusion provide the loving heart of the film. He plays a character so simple, physical and passionate that he simply cannot understand a woman with past trauma who shrinks from any man's touch. The scenes in which they eventually overcome this are deeply moving.

So that's my take on the pic: yes, a lost masterpiece, but still in dire need of a editor even today.

7.7/10

[waitingformyfavoritesongs]

1:46 am pdt 2 April 2023 Sunday Domingo nicheyoubi 🌤

1:47 am pdt www.gq. Com/story/Adam-Levine

it’s closer to the end of the article than the top dated June 24, 2014 Jessica pressler tony Kelly

“There’s the carnal shit you can’t deny. [...] There was a time in my life when I lived probably a bit more on the primal level. And it was amazing.”

auto saved 1:52 am pdt I think Bcz I’ve been touched by other men I don’t think he would have wanted me once I lost my virginity when I was 19 years old. 1:53 am pdt

2:23 am pdt I wish Q never came in to my life. I only kept seeing her Bcz she was acceptable to my mom and I thought she liked me and was nice. I even said at a Denny’s? Or ihop? That she’s the nicest person in the world. 2:25 am pdt she said we’re best friends or that I’m her best friend but she never told me who she who she had s*x with. That’s basically a standard in movies like romantic comedies that you tell your best friend what you did with who. If she couldn’t tell me then she was lying. 2:27 am pdt I figured that out this moment. 2:28 am pdt

2:30 am pdt I never forced her to tell me anything and there were questions online that she left unanswered. It’s like she’s a shark in my eyes smirking that I’m blind to what was happening infront of me. That she was actually mocking me infront of my face and online with enlarging my head in pictures she took. 2:32 am pdt If she was so bold to fake liking me and do stuff to hurt me while I was trying to like her and be happy with her... I wish I could have felt more with the friends I had before I met her. I wish I didn’t feel like a fraud Bcz I was too shy to say a lot. The friends I had b4 her weren’t perfect but I think they were maybe more open to me than she was? 2:35 am pdt which is ironic Bcz I felt too imperfect so I withheld a lot of thoughts and feelings . I was in a shell.. makes me think of turtles. I don’t know. That music is my boyfriend line bothers me and a lot of other stuff. It looks like I’m not going to see the day when people from this earth start going to the new planet I heard about that is like this earth but bigger. 2:39 am pdt if there are already people there with housing already there waiting for people to arrive wouldn’t that be a surprise? 2:40 am pdt

2:59 am pdt I don’t feel much like trying to recover anymore. I am tired. 3 am pdt I wish I was somebody’s somebody. 🎶🎼🎵🎤🎸

3:03 am pdt matchmaker matchmaker find me find catch me a catch 🎸🎵🎼🎤 3:04 am pdt

3:06 am pdt I don’t appreciate you lying (pain 3:07 am pdt forehead) to me. Chop off my head now, incubus. 3:07 am pdt 3:08 am pdt

3:18 am pdt I guess he forgives Nick carter. (Tummy upset gurgle diarrhea 3:18 am pdt) I guess he thinks he did not do anything wrong and deserves to be forgiven. And women need to just suck it up. 3:20 am pdt I don’t think it is ever going to change. 3:20 am pdt I don’t feel like trying anymore. 3:21 am pdt

3:24 am pdt my clock skipped a minute. Q probably set me up to be a sacrifice. I don’t think Q helped me at all. I suffered a lot. I don’t think Q knows pain at all. 3:26 am pdt I think Q is lying and faking everything is music is her husband. 3:26 am pdt who did I have phone s*x with? I think after I moved out end of 2018, Brendan lean’s MySpace profile picture was removed. 3:29 am pdt there was one day that his MySpace was public and I saw he had an older sister named Catherine? 3:30 am pdt

3:53 am pdt incubus protects rapists Bcz he relates to them and cuts down his victims. I guess you have to be a woman to understand how violated someone can feel that you have possibly been forcibly impregnated at a time you’re not ready to be. To have someone trespass without caring about your feelings. And then they don’t want to make amends and worse. Incubus enables them to hide it. If you like that sort of man I guess the whole world is stuck with incubus. 3:58 am pdt am I the only one trying to do something? And I’m suffering to take down incubus? If incubus is incubus then that whole thing I seemed to have picked up, that idea that only bad things happen to bad people, can you really say that when incubus is your god? How about I don’t say anything anymore. Nick carter gets away with rape and murder and so does incubus (left shoulder pain 4 am pdt) me and Shannon Ruth die. And guess whose left with Nick carter and incubus? That’s right, you are. And if he’s still got libido and muscle and power do you think you won’t be next? Maybe he likes guys, too, or little boys. 4:02 am pdt

4:06 am pdt Q wrote on her Flickr she doesn’t fight crime. If her focus was only me the entire time, I believe it. 4:07 am pdt don’t count on Q to REALLY sacrifice anything? If she really stole art ideas from me like I suspect that’s pretty low considering she had enough money to go to many concerts including Coachella. 4:09 am pdt don’t count on Q to be a hero. 4:09 am pdt yeah I think I will stop doing stuff Bcz I’m dying anyway. So why help other people get arid of a problem they don’t deserve to be helped with? You treasure Nick carter more. So have fun! Okay? Okay! 4:10 am pdt pain left shin. I will go do whatever I want that’s on my bucket list which is probably edited now to watching as many movies as I can while at this hotel. 4:11 am pdt don’t cry to me when incubus + friends devirginize your relatives. 4:12 am pdt

5:41 left shin pain difficulty breathing pain tongue. Fox News last night? Was saying a lot of people are committing suicide Bcz of stuff on social media. If they’re purely victims and incubus is god, do you think incubus is going to save them? He is the devil? A hungry lion ? He’s looking for sacrifices, but he keeps guys like Nick carter Bcz they share a lot in common? 5:44 am pdt incubus would make me depressed too if I think about him for several minutes at a time. 5:44 am pdt

5:45 am pdt in 2017 ? There was stuff online saying maroon 5 fans are ... I forgot but I remember it was a little disturbing? Unflattering? Like they lack a sense of what sounds good probably Bcz incubus for a long time gave a lot of (left nostril pain 5:46 am pdt) below standard performances. And I can say this unbiased. Bcz it was during a time I gave him benefit of the doubt and tried to like him. And I’m trying to smile and like it but I start to feel crazy trying to like what I hear. When I watch and listen, I’m like, this is really bad. 5:48 am pdt

6:03 am pdt I am in misery there ain’t no body who can comfort me. 🎵🎸🎼🎤 i formerly liked the sounds of that song. I guess I’m a da*ned vine. Bcz my name means rose and lily. Some flowers 🌹🌸💐🌺🌷🌻 grow from vines. I’m d*mned. Dams are like big bath tubs. 6:06 am pdt he’s killing my heart again. 6:07 am pdt it’s hot in the center and my right side. 6:07 am pdt

7:43 am pdt incubus is still hurting my ribs Bcz he likes it when people are crying in pain especially women. I think he’s trying to reduce my rib cage size to crush my internal organs. 7:45 am pdt

2:16 pmpdt if the earth is expiring it’s ok if he leaves me here to die. 2:17 pmpdt

2:44 pmpdt I don’t want his unethical ass near me and I don’t want Q’s unethical lazy ass near me. 2:45 pmpdt

[whitleyschn33]

So while pursuing the manga section at my local bookstore, I found two of the RWBY manga anthologies, From Shadows and I Burn. Both were much higher than I was willing to pay, so I just ended up flipping through one of them to appreciate some of the art before moving on. And to my surprise, I stumbled upon this page - which I later went on a twenty minute late night Google journey to find a scan of; man, B//B shippers really let me down on this one, and the story is even titled Night of the Bumble//bee, you think they'd be all over this.

I honestly kinda wish this is the approach that they'd taken with Blake's hair in Atlas, or (what I've been using in my mental redesigns) something more like how Ren styled his hair in Atlas. It's a really cute style that doesn't necessitate chopping her hair off and lets them keep the bows and ribbons motif running. Also, having the makeover take place in a scene like this would give Yang and Blake the chance to have some of the conversations they desperately need to.

Honestly, from the stories I skimmed through to find this scan, these anthologies are honestly really cute and sweet. There were a few too many "haha, Blake is a cat" jokes, but there were a lot of great moments that make me really miss the Beacon days.

One story has Blake losing her bow in the middle of a training exercise and running off. Yang finds her later, ditching the class, and although she hadn't found her bow, she'd made an enormous flower crown from Blake to wear while they continued searching (and the last panel is Glenda scolding all of t!RWBY for being late, and they're all wearing flower crowns).

Another had Blake and Ruby trading reading material to try and get into each other's tastes, and Blake remarks that she'd read books like Ruby's fairytales before, but stopped right before she hit Ruby's age, and prefers romance now. This dives into a bit of a character study about Blake and her outlook on life through the books she reads somewhat contrasted with what Ruby gets out of the fairytales (the last panel is, of course, Yang getting a look at the book Blake gave Ruby and asking just what she's given her little sister).

In a couple more comedy oriented ones, one of Blake's dust replica statues comes up for sale on the web, with Blake freaking out but the price already much too high. Yang suggests making their own statues to sell as "offical merch" to make some money, while Ruby... says Blake should make statues for them to sell so they can afford the statue. Ruby. And of course, Weiss simply snipes up the staute at the last second. They also find a stray kitten in another, and Blake takes care of it while they find a good home - while also revealing that she actually has no idea how to take care of pet cats. It's got all the sugary sweet stuff you'd expect from this trope, but also the added hilarity of Weiss instantly producing cat toys and supplies with the most deadpan look on her face.

Honestly, I really enjoyed what I skimmed through, and if the volumes ever turn up for a more acceptable price, I might just buy them.

[berrynarrybanana]

pink lemonade

A/n: I...had a cliche moment of I wrote this and it got deleted bc my computer had a hissy fit while I was trying to find a good pic to use. All I want to say is that I spent weeks agonizing over this piece because I wasn’t sure that it was good enough and that it touched on bi!reader as much as it should. I started it out in Harry’s POV and it kind of just took off from there. This is very heavily based off a song from one of my favorite bands. It’s called pink lemonade by the wombats and it really gave me inspiration to write this whole fic and for my reader and flatmate!h. I hope that I did this justice, because as a bi woman, I know how little representation we get in media and in fics. So thank you to the beautiful @bopbopstyles and @harrysclementines for hosting a challenge that made me feel included. I really appreciate and love you both so much! 

warnings: smut, drug use mention, angst, harry’s pov

word count: 4.3k+

Please enjoy and feel free to tell me what you think! 

Friday Night 

Harry remembers the day he met his flatmate. 

She was a little shorter than him, but her personality definitely made her seem much taller. She had her hair up in a messy bun, her Rolling Stones shirt tucked in, and her jeans cuffed at the bottom. She introduced herself to him with a dazzling smile and a witty joke about being a stereotypical bisexual being. It made him laugh, pulling her into a hug (after asking her permission) because they were going to be flatmates and she needed to know he was a hugger. He didn’t want to start off on an awkward note with a person he would be spending so much time with. He suggested they order some pizza and drink wine on the floor of their living room on their first night. 

Their furniture hadn’t been delivered or moved in yet, so they had to settle for putting a few of y/n’s pillows under their bums while they watched comedy specials on Harry’s laptop. A majority of their evening was spent giggling and sharing stories about their previous experiences with old girlfriends. He found it oddly comforting that the beautiful girl was a little bit different, because he had always felt that way in life. With her, he didn’t feel so alone in being different. Perhaps that was one of the things that made him fall in love with her. She was a bright, radiant soul that brought him more joy than anyone else ever had. But she could be a bit thick, sometimes. 

As he watched her prance around their apartment in her tight mini-dress, he tried his best not to let her see his obvious attraction to her. 

The pillow on his lap would seem obvious to just about anyone else, but not to his precious flatmate. She practically floated through life, oblivious to how people looked at her when she moved. She was like a walking porn ad, her beautiful hair and gorgeous smile nearly impossible to ignore. He tried not to focus too hard on what she was wearing, but christ, it was hard not to. Her legs looked a little longer due to the black heeled booties she’d put on and she was most definitely wearing tights with little sparkles in the fabric. 

He hated seeing her dressed up like this, knowing that he wouldn’t be the one sliding his hands up her dress in the backseat of the taxi on the way home. He wouldn’t be the one gripping at her thighs while she straddled him on their shared couch. He wouldn’t be the one making her scream, unable to contain herself as he pulled orgasm after orgasm out of her. He hated that she was wearing the perfect shade of red on her lips, a shade that painted the walls of the prison cell in his own personal hell inside. He wanted to smear it off her lips with his own, kissing her until she was breathless and begging. 

Instead, he flipped through the channels on the telly, pretending to pay attention.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come out, Harry?” She stood in front of him, pouting her lips out as she tilted her head to the side. He shook his head as she crossed her arms, the gesture pushing her breasts up just a little. Fuck me, Harry thought. “You love going out!” 

“I know, love.” He grumbled, glancing behind her as if she was in the way. “But I’m not really in the mood to party tonight and I don’t want to bring the mood down.” 

“Well, I don’t feel right going out without you.” She sighed, dropping her arms to the side, causing Harry to look up at her. “Maybe I should stay home? We can order takeout and-” 

“Absolutely not.” He shook his head. “You have a date. You can’t stand him up!” 

“He’s just some rando from Tinder, I really don’t care about his feelings.,H.” She snorted out a laugh, rolling those perfect eyes as he tried to fight off a smile. “I’d rather be with you if you’re feeling down.”

“Don’t give up the chance for a good time because I’m a grumpy old man.” He shook his head. “I really want you to go out.” 

“Okay, okay.” She let out a heavy exhale, stepping farther away. “How do I look?” 

“Perfect.” He didn’t tear his eyes away from the telly, knowing he would overshare if he actually looked at her right now. 

“You didn’t even look!” She laughed around a playful groan. “Boys.” 

“I’m a man, love!” He called out as she walked into the kitchen for her keys. “If you’re too drunk, call me. Don’t go home with your random tinder date and-” 

“Lock the door when I’m home.” She nodded. “I know the rules, dad.” 

“Please do not ever call me that again.” Harry narrowed his eyes at her. “Go, get out of here and go have some fun. Tell everyone I said hi.” 

“I will!” She smiled. “Bye, roomie!” 

“Bye!” He waved, his heart sinking as the door shut behind her. “Guess I’ll be having a sad wank about that later.” 

Harry grumbled, sinking further into the cushions of their shared couch. 

                                   ******************************************

Saturday Morning 

The guy from Friday seemed to be a keeper. 

He was there the next morning when Harry was making a hangover breakfast in the kitchen for his flatmate. He strutted  in without a shirt or a word, reaching for a coffee cup as if he owned the place. Last time Harry checked, only two people paid rent here. Harry watched from the stove, spatula in hand as he glared at the man’s back. What a sodding prick. With a quick roll of his eyes, Harry pushed around the potatoes he’d chopped up earlier. Of course she brought him home. It had been weeks since she’d had a proper shag and it was bound to happen sooner or later. And even if Harry hated to admit it, the man standing in his kitchen gave it to her proper. Harry closed his eyes, cringing at memory of her moans melded with the banging of her headboard against the wall last night.

He hadn’t heard her moan out like that in a long time. Halfway through orgasm number two out of god knows how many, Harry shoved his headphones in and tried not to cry. He hated that someone else was making her feel so good that she was screaming the bloody walls down. He wanted to sink into her, to have her screaming out his name instead. But that wasn’t going to happen. Not even in his dreams could he have her, always cutting off right around the time his hands landed on her hips. 

“Oh, didn’t see you there, mate.” The guy turned around. “M’Alfie.” 

“Harry.” He grumbled, reaching up to the heat down. “Y/N’s roommate.” 

“She told me about you.” Alfie nodded. “Said you’re a right laugh when you’re drinking.” 

“Did she now?” Harry hummed as if he was actually interested in the conversation. 

“Shame you didn’t come out with us.” Alfie said. “Y/N was a fucking animal. Have you ever had sex with her? I mean she’s amazing when she’s high.” 

Harry wanted to vomit. 

This guy was a total prick.

“Yeah, what a shame.” Harry cleared his throat, glancing over at Alfie. “When Y/N wakes up, let her know that breakfast is here. She’s going to want two pieces of toast with butter.” 

“I will tell her.” Alfie sipped out of the bright pink mug and Harry’s face grew hot. That was his mug, the one that Y/N got him for Christmas last year. The little lamb on the front with a comical smile was mocking him now. “You alright, mate?” 

“Yeah, I’m stellar.” 

Harry stormed out of the kitchen and down the hall. 

He nearly made it to his door when she stumbled out of her bedroom. 

“Morning, Harry.” She yawned before smiling at her roommate. 

He didn’t respond, ducking past her and into his bedroom. 

Maybe he didn’t really know the girl he loved after all. 

                                            *******************************

Another Magical Friday Night 

Alfie, as it turns out, wasn’t a keeper. 

During their second escapade, Alfie shouting to the top of his lungs pulled Harry out of his half-asleep state. His heart sank and his blood ran cold as he sprinted out of his bedroom to Y/N’s. When he got there, Alfie was storming out of her bedroom, half dressed with a red face. Harry stood in Y/N’s doorway, avoiding her gaze as she struggled to put a t-shirt on. After a few moments, Harry couldn’t stand to hear her soft whimpers and loud sniffles. He tore his own shirt off, walking over to where she was sitting on the bed with her legs crossed in front of her. 

“S’alright,” He cooed, sitting down in front of her as he slipped his shirt over her head. “It’s okay, love.” 

“I’m sorry we woke you up.” She leaned forward, pressing her forehead to the column of his throat as she cried. “I know you have an early yoga class tomorrow.” 

“Please don’t apologize.” He said softly, rubbing his hand over her back. “Tell me what he did?” 

“He didn’t do anything.” She shook her head, pulling back as she wiped at her cheeks. “I just...Alfie dabbles a bit in drugs and I tried some with him last week, but I didn’t like it. I told him I didn’t want to do it again and he called me a whore and a tease.” 

Harry’s jaw tensed as he watched his best friend hiccup, swiping under her eyes again. 

“You are not a whore.” Harry reached up, gripping her chin between his thumb and forefinger, demanding her attention. “Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you need to be ashamed of yourself.” 

“Thank you.” She sniffled. “Sleep with me tonight?” 

“Yeah.” He nodded. “Let’s go to my room instead, okay?” 

He didn’t have the heart to tell her he couldn’t sleep in her bed right now. 

Not after Alfie had been in it. 

“Okay.” She gave him a wavering smile. “Thank you, H.” 

“Anytime.” 

Harry held her that night, his heart pounding against his chest as she cuddled into him. 

As he drifted off, he mumbled out loud, “This must be what heaven feels like.” 

He hoped she didn’t hear him. 

                                            ****************************

Harry decided that if Y/N was going out this Friday, he was too.

He couldn’t stand the thought of her going out without him by her side after last week’s incident with Alfie. There was no Tinder date for her to meet up with, just Harry and a few other friends who wanted to have a good time. They got ready in their shared bathroom together, pre-gaming with whatever they had left as they sang loudly to Harry’s pre-game playlist. When she spritzed her perfume over her neck, Harry’s mouth started to water. 

The warm vanilla and citrus hybrid was damn near a love potion to him. 

“Alright,” She nodded, giving herself a once over in the mirror. “I’m ready.” 

“You look perfect.” He smiled, trailing his eyes up from her vegan, leather combat boots to her black skinny jeans, finally settling on the lacy bodysuit that she had recently purchased. “S’a bit like lingerie, innit it?” 

“Yeah.” She shrugged her shoulders, pursuing her lips as Harry looked at her eyes. “But it’s nice and light and extremely sexy.” 

“One of those nights?” Harry’s brows quirked up and he forced a little smirk to settle on his lips as she nodded. “Good, you deserve a bit of fun.” 

And he actually meant it, this time. 

She did deserve to have a little fun after Alfie

He could suck it up for one night if the girl he loved would be happy at the end of it. 

“I do.” She giggled, reaching down to grab the bottle of tequila set on the bathroom countertop, wiggling it around. “One more shot for good luck?”

“Pour it up.” 

                                         *****************************

Harry bucked his hips up as the girl above him rolled her hips over his denim clad cock. 

This time, he brought someone home. 

Granted, Y/N brought someone home as well, he now had a distraction to keep his mind busy and his cock wet while his flatmate got off. The girl he’d met at the club was so sweet, her hazel eyes enticing him the moment his gaze met hers. Her lips were so soft and they tasted like strawberries. He wondered what Y/N tasted like? They were normally covered in gloss when she went out, shiny and peachy. Did her lips taste like peach? Harry closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as the girl dug her nails into his stomach. 

“Can I take your pants off?” She asked, timid and soft. Nothing like Y/N demanding the naughtiest of things on the other side of the wall. “I’m ready to...I want to ride you.” 

“Okay, yeah.” Harry opened his eyes, sitting up as he wrapped his arms around her. He pressed a few soft kisses over her jaw before catching her mouth in his. “Just a second, love.”

“You’re sweet.” She pressed a kiss to his forehead, swinging her leg over his thighs as he reached for his buttons. 

“Fuck, yes!” 

Harry rolled his eyes, fumbling with the zipper on his trousers as the girl next to him slapped her hand over her mouth, trying not to laugh. 

“She’s loud.” She giggled, reaching down to start working on her heels. 

“I know.” Harry sighed. “I’m really sorry about that. I...I didn’t know she would be bringing someone-” 

“Right there, y/n! Yes baby yes!” 

“Jesus.” He let out a huff, reaching his hand up to tap the wall with his fist. “Oi, other people are trying to have fun here.” 

“Oh my god.” The girl tossed her head back, barking out a laugh. “You don’t have to do that, it’s fine.” 

“Sorry, H.” Y/N called back. “We’ll keep it down.” 

“I just don’t want to ruin the mood for us.” He shuffled out of his jeans and boxers, tossing them to the side before he looked back at her. 

“I’m okay.” She climbed on top of him again, her shoes now tossed aside and her dress hiked up to her hips. “I really, really don’t care about anything else but fucking you right now.” 

“Oh.” Harry’s cheeks were surely tinged pink as she gripped his cock in her hand, stroking up with gentle movements. “Fuck, that’s nice.” 

“Good.” She leaned forward, pressing her free hand to his shoulder. He fell back onto the mattress, dropping his hands to her thighs. “I promise I’m gonna make you cum so hard, you won’t even know there’s anyone else in the world besides me.” 

Harry dropped his head back, digging his nails into her thighs as she lined herself up with his cock. It had been so long since he’d fucked anyone, his emotions for Y/N a huge cock-block that he couldn’t seem to shake. Other girls just didn’t do it for him anymore.  But tonight, the alcohol in his veins and the vision of Y/N nearly fingering some girl in the back of the club reminded him that he was free to fuck whoever he wanted, despite his love for Y/N.

“Y/N!” 

Harry let out a heavy sigh through his nose, the sound of Y/N’s one night stand screaming making the fire in his belly dim just a little. He didn’t even care that his own girl was sinking onto his cock, soaking wet and tight like a vice. He barely even remembered that she was on top of him until she moaned his name out. 

He opened his eyes, watching her face contort as she settled onto his thighs. 

“You’re huge.” She whispered, tilting her head back. “I swear I’ve never had...never had someone so big, fuck.” 

“Yeah?” He licked over his bottom lip, sliding a palm up to her belly. “Feel me there?” 

“Mhm.” She whimpered, gripping onto his wrist. “M’so full.”

“Y/N, please let me cum.” 

Harry let out a frustrated sigh, reaching his hands up to rub over his face. 

“Are they bothering you?” The girl asked softly, lifting off of his cock. “Because it seems like they are.” 

“A little, yeah.” Harry nodded, wincing as his cock slapped against his stomach. “I’m really sorry, it’s not that you aren’t amazing-” 

“I get it, it’s okay.” She fell next to him as his cock started to soften. “I would be kind of wigged out if my roommate was fucking while I was too.” 

“She does this every Friday night.” Harry said. “And...not to continue ruining whatever we had going between us, but I’m kind of in love with her.” 

“Oh.” The girl whispered. “That would really turn me off.” 

“Yeah.” He nodded. “And I was trying to have fun for once, you know? Because she seems to go about life oblivious to my feelings and I’m stuck pining for her while she’s fucking whoever she wants to.” 

“Do you think she knows that you like her?” His date asked. 

“I don’t know, probably not.” He mumbled, turning his head to look at her. “You don’t have to listen to me moan on about it, I’m sorry.” 

“No, it’s okay.” She turned on her side, pressing her palm to his chest. “I have a feeling you haven’t talked to anyone about this and it’s not very healthy to keep things bottled up.”

“You’re right about that.” Harry smiled. “You know, I have a friend who would absolutely adore you.” 

“Is it Y/N?” She giggled. “Because I don’t swing that way.” 

“Oi, you think I’d let you shag the girl I just told you I’m in love with?” He laughed, his brows crinkling together as he reached over to pinch her hip. “It’s not her.” 

“Good.” She laughed with Harry, sliding closer to him. “Would it be weird if I stay?” 

“No,” He shook his head. “It’s the least I can do after wasting your time.” 

“And...what about a cuddle?” She asked. “Because I do enjoy a good cuddle session.” 

“I can deal with that, I think.” He leaned forward, pressing his lips to hers. “Thank you.” 

                                           *****************************

The next morning, Harry was livid. 

He sent his date, Halle was her name, off with a sweet kiss and a coffee to-go. Maybe in another life, she would have been perfect for him. A soft, sweet girl with kind eyes and a willingness to listen to him. Unfortunately for him, he was too far up his obnoxious flatmate’s ass to see anyone else. And even if it made things awkward between them, he had to tell her how he felt. There was no way he could keep going on like this if there was a way to prevent it. 

“Good morning,” She chirped, her hand linked with the girl she brought home last night. “Are we having breakfast?” 

“You can do whatever the fuck you want.” Harry snapped, taking his coffee mug and his breakfast plate from the counter. “I don’t care.” 

Y/N’s jaw dropped and the girl’s eyes grew wide. 

Harry didn’t say another word, walking past the two girls.

He hated being a dick, but lashing out made him feel the tiniest bit better about what happened last night. He pushed his bedroom door open with his hip, settling back into bed as he flicked through his options on Netflix. He wasn’t even thinking of Y/N, his mind struggling to remember whether or not he’d seen the last episode of the Great British Bake-Off. When he realized that he hadn’t, clicking on the title to start the episode, his bedroom door flew open and his roommate stormed in. 

“Fuck you!” She snapped, reaching for his remote, standing in front of his bed with a scowl on her perfect lips. “I don’t know who pissed in your cheerios this morning, but you don’t get to talk to me like that! Especially not in front of guests.” 

“Okay.” Harry shrugged. “Can I have my remote-” 

“No, you can’t!” She shouted, tossing her hands up as she let out a noise crossed between a groan and a growl. “What’s your deal?” 

“I haven’t exactly finished my coffee, love.” Harry was trying not to relish in the sight of his roommate frustrated and adorable. The feeling she was experiencing now was a fraction of what he felt every time he heard her through the wall. “Maybe come back later?” 

“Are you upset because I fucked someone last night and you didn’t?” Her brows shot up. “I know you didn’t cum last night and neither did the girl you brought home. Are you mad because you’re shit in bed?” 

“Maybe we were quiet. You know, decent and considerate of other people,” The smile he gave her was sarcastic. “Or maybe- and this is a good one- maybe, I had a girl sitting on my cock, ready to fuck me so bloody good I would cry, but I couldn’t let her because all I could think about was how much I love you. ” 

“What?” She asked, her mouth falling ajar. 

“Maybe when I was kissing her at the club, I was thinking about kissing you.” He set his coffee mug down on his nightstand, continuing on. “And maybe when I had my fingers in her cunt, I was thinking about you. And maybe, just maybe, every time you fuck someone so loud that it keeps me up at night, I wish it was me instead.” 

She didn’t say anything, watching as Harry moved forward. He snagged the remote from her hand, proud of his little confession. He turned the show back on, ignoring his roommate as she stood there with her eyes wide. He smirked, crossing his legs before he settled his hand on his stomach. 

“You process that and I’m just gonna watch Noel and Paul bicker.” Harry said. 

“You’re an asshole.” She whispered. “You...you can’t just be upset with me because I didn’t know that you liked me.” 

“I’m not upset with you,” He said. “I’m a little upset that I was trying to have a good time for once and you ruined it with you and your girl’s pornstar moaning, but I’m not upset with you. That would be extremely unfair of me.” 

“Why have you never said anything?” She cleared her throat, fidgeting with the hem of her oversized shirt. “We’ve been roommates for years, Harry.” 

“Because I love you as a friend, too.” He started. “I didn’t want to risk it.” 

“And now?” She squeaked out. “You’re willing to risk it now?” 

“Yeah.” He nodded. “I’m tired of wishing that it was me on the other side of this wall, Y/N. So...take some time to think about what I said and let me know if you’d be willing to give it a try. No hard feelings if you don’t want the same thing, I completely understand and I’ll respect your choice either way. We’ll just have to work out some arrangement where you let me know when you have someone-” 

“I want to try.” She said quickly, kneeling on the edge of the bed. “Because I really like you, Harry. Like, the only reason I’ve brought so many people back home with me is because I couldn’t have you. I knew that there was no way in hell you would like a girl like me. I’m obnoxious and boisterous and just...I didn’t think I was your type.” 

“You’re kidding?” His brows shot up. “You thought...oh my god, we’re both bloody idiots.” 

“You’re telling me.” She laughed, falling on her ass in front of him. “This whole time I’ve been fucking people that loudly to make you jealous and the entire time you’ve been listening, imaging it was you?” 

“I guess so.” He let out a breathy laugh, shaking his head. “Well, I guess that leaves us with two options.” 

“And what might those be?” She asked, a soft smile settling on her lips. 

“I take you out for brunch, maybe a nice walk in the park, and then I bring you home and fuck you so hard you won’t even remember the orgasms you had last night.” He lifted one finger up, smiling as he watched her inhale sharply. “Or option two, I fuck you now and we go to brunch later?” 

“Wouldn’t it just be lunch by then?” She tilted her head to the side, playfully narrowing her eyes at him. “I mean...that defeats the purpose, yeah?” 

“Really, that’s-” Harry let out a laugh, shaking his head. “You’re missing the point.” 

“I’m not.” She leaned forward, sliding her hands over his thighs. “I see it clear as day.” 

“And what does your heart tell you to do?” He licked over his bottom lip as she moved closer, her nose nearly bumping against his. 

“To take you up on option two.” She whispered. “Because it’s really not fair that I came five times last night and you didn’t come, not even once.” 

“Fuck.” Harry sputtered out as she brushed her lips over his. “Kiss me?” 

She pressed her lips into his, moving his body back onto his pillows. She moved over him, straddling his thighs as she deepened the kiss. When her tongue slipped over his bottom lip, his mouth fell open in response. His hands fell to her hips, digging into the soft flesh as his mind tried to catch up. The girl of his dreams was sitting on his lap, in his bed, and she wanted him. She wanted him just as bad as he wanted her. He couldn’t believe that this was happening, sure that he was just a fever dream or a nightmare that he would wake up from any second. But he was brought back to reality when her tongue slipped over his. 

And at that moment, Harry knew he was right. 

She did taste like peach. 

[dakotacrisis]

Cherry Blossoms (4)

And I am back in time for another update right at the end of pride month. Plan was to get this whole story posted during the month but that did not happen. Oh well, people are still gay in July. Just a whole lot less corporate pandering.

As far as things with Kagami and Marinette are going...well...plans go awry fast.

Read on AO3

---

Adrien was not joking around with what he called Operation Cherry Blossoms. A.K.A. Operation Get-Marinette-To-Fall-In-Love-With-Kagami. He had even called in reinforcements. When Kagami showed up at his house as he requested Alya was also there with a full slideshow presentation prepared. They went over Marinette’s likes and dislikes. Her favorite things and places to go.

There was even a theory discussion about Marinette’s sexuality and why she never seems to fall in love with anyone. The long standing belief was that she was possibly somewhere on the Ace spectrum but that was a whole other thing to get into. Right now they were working with the hope that Marinette did want to experience romantic love and hopefully that romantic love spread to girls. They all knew Marinette wasn’t straight but she never gave them a definite title so the mass consensus was that she was at least bi.

“Guys,” Kagami stopped them, “This is all very thoughtful of you but isn’t this a little weird?”

Alya paused her presentation to turn to her. “What about this is weird?”

“You are literally showing me a presentation on what Marinette is like. I know what she’s like. I don’t need to know that her third favorite ice cream flavor is Very Cherry Chocolate Swirl. I need advice on how to get closer to her so that I’m not stumbling over myself trying to talk to her. The fact that I am nervous enough to stammer around her is baffling to me. I never hesitate to go for stuff that I want but with Marinette...I…”

Adrien sighed. “We know and you’re right. We need a different approach. Giving her a Marinette quiz isn’t gonna help her win her over.”

“Fair enough,” Alya closed out of the powerpoint with a small frown. “What should we do then?”

“Well we can go over the different tactics we used to try and woo Marinette.” Adrien shrugged, “They didn’t work obviously but there was stuff that we did that she liked. Ironically enough she really liked getting flowers in my experience.”

“Yeah, doing little stuff like buying her favorite candy or sending her pictures of cute hamsters worked when I was trying to flirt with her.” Alya said.

“Okay, this is good, tell me more about this kind of stuff.” Kagami started taking notes on her phone.

“She appreciates when you plan something.” Adrien said, “I planned this big day together where we went to a bunch of places I knew she loved to shop, got lunch at her favorite cafe, and topped it off with seeing a movie she had been raving about. She really seemed to love it. Of course while I was trying to flirt and stuff she was only seeing it as a nice day out with a friend.”

“That is a dangerous line to walk,” Alya sighed, “You could plan the most romantic date ever and she would only be able to see it as a friendly gesture if you aren’t straight up with her about your intentions. I love her to death but the girl is so oblivious it actually hurts.”

“So how am I supposed to flirt with her without making it obvious that I am in love with her?”

“You can’t really. That’s the problem.” Alya said.

“Then why are we even here? If she’s too oblivious to notice someone is flirting with her and she gets spooked when someone is upfront with their feelings then how am I supposed to get anywhere with her?” Kagami asked, flabbergasted by this never ending cycle of pining and failure that was the pursuit of Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

“Schemes. Romantic schemes. Like they do in romantic comedy movies.” Adrien said proudly.

Kagami turned to Alya, deadpanned, “Is he serious?”

“I think you two are underestimating how well this can work.” Adrien pulled up his own powerpoint presentation titled, Romantic Comedy Schemes and Why They Worked.

“Oh sweet baby swiss cheese,” Alya sighed, “Adrien, I told you this wasn’t a viable plan.”

“Hear me out!” Adrien pleaded.

“Fine!”

“Seriously?” Alya gaped at Kagami, “You want to actually hear this boy list off how the note cards from Love Actually was the ultimate romantic gesture or some crap like that?”

“It’s not like I have a whole lot of options.” Kagami threw her hands up, “It’s either romantic comedy shenanigans or trying to flirt with Marinette on my own. Neither seem viable but at least this one is less likely to make me puke up flowers. Go ahead, Agreste. Let’s hear your attack strategy.”

“All right!” Adrien beamed as he clicked to the next slide, “Let’s start with the proper setting.”

---

Kagami could not believe that she was doing this. She had agreed to it but it still seemed ridiculous. No. It didn’t ‘seem’ ridiculous, it ‘was’ ridiculous! This whole plot Adrien concocted with the help of Alya and a watchmojo top ten list of most romantic movie dates was utterly insane. If Kagami wasn’t desperate she would have said no. But she was. She was desperate and in love and desperately in love with the most wonderful yet naive girl in the world.

Adrien was walking with Kagami towards the Dupain-Cheng bakery. Right into the belly of the beast. Adrien kept a reassuring hand on her shoulder as they got closer. Kagami balled her hands in the fabric of her jacket. She can do this. They stopped outside the bakery and Adrien turned to her.

“You okay? You got this?”

“I’m okay. I can do this.” Kagami nodded, “And you’re sure this will work?”

“Only one way to find out.” Adrien said, “Quick cough, make sure there’s no loose flower petals that are gonna come popping out.”

Kagami grabbed her handkerchief and coughed into it a few times but no petals came up. They were good for now at least. She stuffed the hanky back in her pocket and followed Adrien into the bakery. It was fairly slow at this time and Marinette was standing by herself at the counter and flipping through a magazine. Kagami’s stomach flipped upon seeing her and she could swear she felt that tickle in her throat again.

Adrien ushered her forward with a hand on the small of her back. “Hey Marinette,” Adrien greeted her cheerfully, “Working hard as usual I see.”

“Oh hey guys,” Marinette smiled at them. She slid her magazine away. “What brings you by?”

“Well Kagami here wanted to order a custom cake for an upcoming special event and you know more about this stuff than me so I figured you could help us out.”

“Of course, I love assembling custom cakes,” Marinette pulled out a large binder from behind the counter. “First thing is first, how many people does this need to feed and what is your budget?”

“Budget is unlimited,” Adrien handed her his credit card, “and you can get all of the rest of the details from Kagami. Unfortunately I cannot stick around. I have a photoshoot I gotta run to but you two have fun. Kagami, get my card back to me after alright?”

What? This wasn’t part of the plan! Adrien was supposed to stay! He wasn’t supposed to leave her alone. Was this his plan all along? Oh she was going to kill him later! That hopeless romantic airheaded jerk was gonna have Kagami’s foot so far up his butt her foot would stick out of his mouth by the time she’s through with him.

Adrien patted Kagami on the top of her head and whispered into her ear, “Relax, you’ll be fine.” He bid the girls goodbye and left without another look back.

“Okay then,” Marinette was completely unperturbed by Adrien sudden departure, “Let’s get started on that cake.” She turned around to shout to the back of the bakery, “Mama! Can you come run register? I gotta help take a cake order.”

“Sure thing sweetie,” Mrs. Cheng came up to the front, “Oh Kagami, how nice to see you again. Are you ordering the cake? We’ll be sure to put it at the top of our list just for you.”

“Thank you,” Kagami said. She followed Marinette back through the bakery and into the apartment stairwell.

“We’ll have more privacy here,” Marinette sat down on the step, “Now how many people was this going to serve?”

“Uh…” Kagami racked her brain. She really didn’t need an actual cake. She wasn’t even that big into sweets. Adrien was paying for it too so she didn’t want to go overboard. Since Adrien was paying for it she supposed she could just assemble something she thought he would like and give it to him and Alya as a sort of thanks for helping her out. “Two people.”

“Smaller cake then, alright,” Marinette jotted down the information, “Did you want something like a tart or a cake?”

“Cake.”

“One or two layers?”

“One.”

“And specific shape? We can do a circle, rectangle, square, we can even do a heart if this is for something or someone special.” Marinette giggled. “Or maybe you just think little heart shaped cakes are cool.”

“Circle is fine.” Kagami choked back the petals in her throat trying to escape.

“And what kind of flavor were you thinking for the cake? We have lots of different options.”

“Uh...vanilla?”

“Simple, classic, love it.” Marinette continued on. “And what about filling? We have a lovely cherry filling that I think you would adore. I know how much you like cherry and we do use real chopped cherries in the filling.”

“Sure,”

“Great. I gotta know, what is this cake for? Adrien said it was for a very special event you were planning. What’s going on?”

“Oh it’s nothing really.”

“Come on, tell me, I’m curious,” Marinette scooted closer with her chin resting in her hands, “You said it was for two people. Is this maybe for a romantic date you have planned?”

“What? No! That’s not--” Kagami tried to back away but her back was already pressed into the stair railing, “Definitely not a date. This was--this was um--” Quick Kagami! Think of something! Anything! “Actually,” she said, “This was supposed to be a present for Adrien but then he offered to pay and I couldn’t tell him that it was for him cause it was supposed to be a surprise so now I’m kind of in a box about it.”

“A present for Adrien?” Marinette asked, “That’s sweet. Why are you getting him a present? Is there some sort of anniversary coming up?”

“No. I just thought it would be a nice gesture since we’re good friends and all.” It wasn’t a complete lie.

“Well that is just wonderful.” Marinette said, “If this is for Adrien then maybe we want to change the filling to passionfruit. I know that’s his favorite. Did you want to do that instead?”

“Yeah. Sounds good.” Kagami breathed out in relief. Dodged that bullet.

The girls spent the rest of the time constructing the perfect cake that they thought Adrien would like. It wasn’t the most romantic setting but it did give them ample time alone. Kagami hadn’t even noticed how fast the time was flying by as their conversation kept drifting from the cake form to other topics. At some point they had started leaning on one another with tears in their eyes as they laughed about a croissant eating contest Marinette’s school had put on and the disastrous results that ensued.

“I am telling you,” Marinette took a moment to breathe, “We had no idea where she was putting them all. Alix just kept downing croissant after croissant like she was pac-man. For someone so small she has a huge stomach.”

“I bet that angered Kim to no end.” Kagami laughed.

“Oh you have no idea. Poor guy was trying so hard to keep up but just couldn’t do it.” Marinette shook her head. She laid down so her head was resting in Kagami’s lap. “I need a minute. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. I can scarcely breathe.”

“Me either.” Kagami’s hand automatically went to Marinette’s hair and started running her hands through it. “How did we even get to this point? I’m fairly certain we were trying to create a cake for Adrien before this.”

“We were,” Marinette closed her eyes under Kagami’s attentions, “I’m just using you as an excuse to not have to wait on customers. That’s why I keep prolonging this.”

“And here I thought you just enjoyed my company.”

“I do. I love hanging out with you.” Marinette sighed, “I love it even more when you play with my hair. I feel like a little kitten getting lovies and pets.”

“You would make an adorable kitten.” Kagami said. The urge to cough came upon Kagami and she tried to swallow it back. It was a miracle she hadn’t dissolved into a coughing fit while she was laughing earlier. Marinette’s eyes were closed so hopefully she wouldn’t notice.

Kagami gave a quick cough to clear the petals but they were stuck and weren’t coming loose from such meager means. Crap. She tried a few more tiny coughs but it was only aggravating her more.

“You okay?” Marinette sat up, “Allergies again? Or do you just have a tickle in your throat.”

“I’m fine,” she turned away as her coughing got more violent. Stupid flower petals! Stupid disease! Marinette ran a hand up and down her back to ease the ache.

“Are you sure you don’t want a glass of water?”

“Water would be good,” Kagami answered in a hoarse voice. At least with Marinette gone she could get these petals out without her noticing. Marinette ran off to get her some water and Kagami started coughing hard hoping to dislodge the petals quickly before Marinette got back. What Kagami did not count on was Marinette being so darn fast and racing back to their spot with a water bottle in hand just as Kagami got the petals out. She had a hand clamped over her mouth with the petals settled in her palm.

She closed her fist around the petals and stuffed her hand in her pocket to hide the petals. “Thanks Marinette,” Kagami took the water.

“No problem, oops, you got a little something there.” Marinette reached a hand out and plucked something from Kagami’s chin. Double crap! One of the petals must have gotten stuck to her chin.

Marinette turned the petal over in the light. The recognition of what it was hitting her and the realization settling in as she put the pieces together. The cough. The petal. There was only one explanation.

“Oh dear,” Marinette frowned with worry, “Kagami? Are you alright? Please be honest with me, do you have Hanahaki disease?”

There was no point lying now. Marinette already knew. Might as well get it over with and end the suffering now.

“Yes,” Kagami pulled the petals out of her pocket, “I have for a while now.”

“Oh I am so sorry!” Marinette cried out, “I know how much that sucks. It’s such an unfair disease.”

“I am painfully aware,” Kagami scoffed, “At least they’re small.”

“Pretty too,” Marinette handed her the petal back. “So you have an unrequited love?”

“Big time.”

“Have you confessed?”

“No. That’s why I’m here. This, ordering the cake, it was supposed to help in some way. It seems silly now. I’m usually so upfront with people about what I want and what I feel but this whole ordeal has thrown me for a loop.” Kagami kept her head down. She didn’t want to see Marinette’s face when she rejected her.

“I see,” Marinette pulled her in for a hug. “It’s okay, Kagami. I don’t think it was stupid at all.”

“You don’t?”

“No.” Marinette pulled back  far enough to look in Kagami’s eyes, “I think telling someone how you feel over a delicious cake is a swell way to go about it. The fact that you are going to all this trouble for Adrien is so heartwarming.”

“Adrien?” Kagami looked at her confused. Why was she talking about Adrien… “Oh sweet baby swiss cheese,”

“Was this Alya’s idea?” Marinette asked, “She says that a lot so I figured that’s where you picked it up. Alya is great, always prepared for everything. Might go a little overboard but she’s a good person to go to for stuff like this.”

“Marinette, about Adrien--”

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell him anything.” Marinette hugged her again, “This will stay just between us. And do not worry about the cake. This one is on us. We will make sure it is perfect for your confession date, whenever you have that planned. Adrien would have to be insane not to fall in love with you.”

“Uh huh, this whole thing is so insane.” Kagami muttered. Operation Cherry Blossoms just got a whole lot more complicated.

---

(First) (Previous) (Next)

[koigoldfish]

「 JUJUTSU KAISEN CHARACTERS AS FRANK JAMES’ MBTI COMEDY SKETCHES : MINIMALISTS 」

: ̗̀➛ AUTHOR’S NOTE: i was gonna go with haikyuu!! on this one until i realise i need more jjk content. so, here it is. most of these characters are based on their mbti type, the remaining others? i just find the one that fits them. it’s even better when you watch the video on youtube to see the reactions. anyway, enjoy a cup of türk kahvesi~

: ̗̀➛ WARNING(S): none. pls check my pinned before following me.

GOJOU SATORU: “modern humanity is fundamentally materialistic, which leads us to believe that the fundamental make-up of reality is material, which is not true! the fundamental make-up of reality is suffering and pain. and you might say, “well that’s depressing and pessimistic,” and it is. so, that’s why i’m a minimalist, bucko.”

────────────────────────

GETOU SUGURU: “i got into minimalism because i realised, i was just a part of the consumerist machine. we’re being controlled by soulless corporations that only care about sucking us dry ... i do have the new iphone though. it just works, okay?”

────────────────────────

NANAMI KENTO: “i have exactly 144 possesions. i know exactly where all of them belong and exactly what their uses are strangely. in becoming a minimalist, all i think about now are the few things i still own.”

────────────────────────

IEIRI SHOKO: “i’m a minimalist without even trying. all i really use is my computer. and i only own like three shirts that i’ve had since high school. and any other possessions i’ve had, i seem to lose somehow. like my wallet. i always thought i was just a hopeless ding-dong, turns out, i’m super trendy!”

────────────────────────

IJICHI KIYOTAKA: “to me, minimalism is all about the beauty, clean lines, uncluttered space, openness ... plus, my bank account is also kind of minimal at the moment, so i couldn’t afford to buy anything, even if i wanted to.”

────────────────────────

ITADORI YUUJI: “part of being a minimalist to me is going green. so, i reuse as much stuff as possible. like this pants? they’re made out of old paper bags. i ended up accidentally exposing myself in public all the time because they rip extremely easily. and in the rain, they basically fall apart and leave me standing there without any pants on. but i’m saving the world here.”

────────────────────────

KAMO NORITOSHI: “here’s how you figure out what to keep and what to throw away. everything is either a tool or it’s trash. a shirt i’m never going to wear again? trash. my computer i use for work? a tool. my co-worker, aoi? somehow, he’s both.”

────────────────────────

MIWA KASUMI: “oh my god i can not get rid of these jeans.”

[ probably momo ] : “do you even wear them anymore?”

MIWA: “no, not really ...”

“then why keep them?”

MIWA: “it just brings me back to that time ...”

“and when was that?”

MIWA: “i’m not sure. but clearly, it was before i got my ice cream maker. which im also not getting rid of.”

────────────────────────

FUSHIGURO TOJI: “i didn’t get into minimalism on purpose. i was just trying to make extra money selling stuff on ebay, and i ended up selling everything i own at incredible markups. like this shirt, i got it for 12 bucks at target. some sucker bought it for 50. i don’t think i’m even going to wash it before i ship it out.”

────────────────────────

RYOMEN SUKUNA: “without a bunch of clutter in my life, i am operating at peak efficiency. i push myself everyday to get rid of even more stuff. as you may have notice, i’m not wearing pants. got rid of them yesterday. i work from home. i don’t need them. just gotta make sure i keep the zoom calls from here up *gesturing at his torso*. you only make that mistake once.”

────────────────────────

CHOSO: “i challenge myself to live off as little as possible. my only essential posession is this knife. now, if you’ll excuse me, i’ve got to go out back and rustle up dinner. i’m chopping up tomatoes for a salad!”

────────────────────────

TODO AOI: “what im trying to declutter out of my life are all my haters. you know what haters stands for? having. anger. towards. everyone. reaching. success.”

────────────────────────

MEI MEI: “my favourite part of being a minimalist is slipping minimalism into every conversation i have and then suggesting to everyone it’s the solution for literally all of their problems. anxiety? try minimalism. stress? minimalism. realising you’re in your 30’s and have no idea who you are and what you’re doing with your life? minimalism.”

────────────────────────

KUGISAKI NOBARA: “i love being a minimalist.”

[ probably maki ] : “but your closet is full of clothes.”

“it’s really the barest of essentials. like, i don’t see how i can properly function with fewer than 15 pairs of dress shoes.”

────────────────────────

OKKOTSU YUTA: “i started out by just getting rid of anything that i have a negative association with. but then i looked up, and i realised i have gotten rid of everything. and then i thought about it, and then i realised the one common denominator in all of those possessions ... was me.”

────────────────────────

PANDA: “i value expereiences over objects. why spend money on things, when i can spend money on a lifetime of memories? seeing the world? adventure? plus, i can’t really have too many possessions because i’m living in a van down by the river.”

reblogs are appreciated! ✦

[tinalbion]

For the OC asks;7 9 10 13 15 33 37 41 46 49 if that's not too much?

Eyyyy more asks for my BOY, YES! Thank you! He's getting a name soon, I promise, he needs one so desperately but it doesn't help that I'm picky and also have way too many OCs so I cannot duplicate names lol.

But back on topic, THANK YOU! I am always so excited to talk about him and I appreciate it when others are interested, too! So here's some more OC asks about my boy, The Boise Butcher, Spencer Clarke!

7. Are they a naturally assertive person or are they painfully shy?

He is like two sides of the same coin. When he's just his plain old self, chopping wood and keeping to himself, he's painfully shy and keeps to himself since he doesn't want to draw too much attention to himself. But once he puts that mask on, oh boy, he's someone completely different and he feels almost unstoppable. He's much more firm and assertive.

9. What is your character's trigger point? What makes them angry, sad or makes them go off?

It's difficult to really make him angry mainly because he's usually already is whenever he's out in public, he's easily irritated by others in public and feels insanely uncomfortable in large crowds. But if anything were to make him go off would definitely be when he sees people out in public screaming at their kids, insulting them, cursing at them. It makes him go back to his own childhood and it brings him into a headspace that he does NOT want to be in. When he gets overly agitated, his hands will fidget and he bounces his leg a lot. He's better off not lingering unless he's going on a hunt.

10. What kind of jokes make them laugh?

Considering this man can have a face of stone, if you get him to laugh, that means you've done the almost impossible. Sure, he has his fake laugh where he humors people if he's unable to get out of a conversation while he's out, he's picked up on easily mimicking people's 'normal' behaviors, but to make him genuinely laugh would have to be situational real-life comedy or spontaneous jokes/ comments. When it's something unplanned and just natural and you make him laugh, it means more to him and he will reply with a hearty laugh.

13. Describe your character's typical wardrobe for the regular day.

He likes to wear his usual faded jeans, mostly in grey or more earthy tones since he lives in a wooded area, and then his tops usually are just plain cool-toned tee shirts, a flannel over that, and a hooded jacket that's normally found in the hunting section of a shop. His steel-toes hunting boots complement it all! Very plain and inconspicuous, mostly for safety, plus it protects him from most of the elements.

15. What is the first thing people notice about them?

Mostly it would be his eyes, they're a gorgeous color of grey-blue, and his smile when he actually tries to be polite.

33. How do they act around people they don't know? Are they shy around strangers or dismissive of them?

He is very uncomfortable in social situations so he's normally very quiet and reserved, keeps to himself. If someone is being polite and asking innocent questions (ei; do you know where this street is?) then he'll be polite in return and will say the most basic things he possibly can. Otherwise, he's rather dismissive and tries to stay away from any situation that could escalate since he doesn't really trust his control around others.

37. Your character has been kidnapped. Who has kidnapped them and how do they escape?

Who's kidnapped HIM? A fool. If anyone were to kidnap him, it would maybe be Considering the basic training he's had he can get out of most, if not any, tricky situations. He keeps small pocket knives on his person at all times, there's even a small utility pocket on the side of his boot hidden underneath his pant leg, so he has survival skills that most people don't quite have.

41. Your character has been punched into the face. What's their reaction?

You know damn well he isn't going to just sit there and take it, he will dish out his own hit and quite possibly go in way too hard until there's too much blood, he can't stop. Things get awkward, the person stops moving, you know how it goes.

46. Does your character believe in anything? Religion? Superstition?

For some reason unknown to him, he is actually quite superstitious and follows the basics like not walking under ladders, breaking a mirror brings bad luck, and if you find a half-penny you'll have good luck. Silly little things like that were things he picked up on growing up and it just stuck.

49. What is your character's biggest fear? Most irrational?

Spencer’s biggest fear is loss and rejection, much like he's suffered through already. He's damaged and was unwanted as a child, therefore if he allows anyone to get close, he's in danger of being pushed away and rejected, then who knows what he'd end up doing.

Thanks for sending these in, it was super fun and I love answering questions about my boy!

[girlactionfigure]

Last of the Red Hot Mamas

The Queen of Jazz

Sophie Tucker was a singer and comedienne whose powerful voice and brassy wit delighted audiences for over six decades.

Sophie’s Jewish parents had to escape from Russia in 1886 after her father had deserted the Russian military, and she was born on the boat to America. The family settled in Hartford, Connecticut where they ran a kosher boarding house and restaurant. Sophie and her three siblings worked hard in the family business, waking up at 3 am every day to peel and chop vegetables before school. After Sophie got home she waited tables and washed dishes.

From almost the moment of birth, Sophie had a huge and magnetic personality. She was confident, sassy, and uninhibited. Jewish vaudeville stars often stayed at her family’s boarding house and she was fascinated by them and their lives. She always knew she was destined for a life in show business. Her parents absolutely forbade her to join the paskudnyaks (rascals) who stayed at their rooming house. Sophie still found a way to perform – she started singing for their guests as she served them. “I would stand up in the narrow space by the door and sing with all the drama I could put into it. At the end of the last chorus, between me and the onions there wasn’t a dry eye in the place.”

Desperate to leave home, she eloped in 1903 with local beer truck driver Louis Tuck. When they returned, her parents organized a traditional Orthodox wedding for them. They had a son, Burt, in 1906, and lived with her family, where she was back to her old role of cooking, cleaning, and serving customers. Meanwhile a frequent guest was Willie Howard, a popular vaudeville comedian and the first to use openly Jewish content in his act. He was impressed by Sophie’s natural talent as an entertainer, and he urged her to move to New York and break into show business. Sophie’s husband Louis did not share her enthusiasm for the stage and after she told him she wanted to move to New York, he took off. Soon, Sophie left Burt with her family, telling them she was going to New Haven for a short vacation. Instead, she moved to New York and never returned. She was 19 years old. Burt was raised by Sophie’s family, and Sophie kept in frequent contact with them over the years.

Sophie arrived in New York with a letter of introduction to a famous composer from Willie Howard, but the composer wasn’t impressed by her singing. She was quickly able to find work singing at coffeehouses and saloons. At the German Village, a popular beer garden, she sang 50-100 songs a night for $15 a week. She was such a hit that she was soon making over $150 a week in pay and tips.

Sophie was generous with her money. She sent most of what she made to her family, and lived in a shabby boarding house where the other residents were prostitutes. A nice Jewish girl from Hartford, Sophie had never encountered this type of woman before, but she wasted no time making friends with her neighbors, and started a longtime practice of giving free women-only concerts in bordellos. Sophie shared her money and belongings with the call girls, and hid the money they made from their pimps. She later said, “Every one of them supported a family back home, or a child somewhere.”

At the time, $150/week was an impressive salary for a single woman, but it wasn’t enough for Sophie, who wanted to get out of the restaurant business once and for all and make it big in vaudeville. She got her first break in 1907: a chance to audition for impresario Chris Brown’s Amateur Night. After her audition she overheard Brown say, “This one’s so big and ugly, the crowd out front will razz her. Better get some cork and black her up.” He told Sophie that she passed the audition and would be featured in the show. However, she had to do it in blackface. Sophie was aghast at the suggestion, but Brown and the other producers insisted that her only chance for a career in show business was in blackface. She agreed to do it.

Sophie’s first vaudeville gig was at Tony Pastor’s on the Bowery where she was booked for a pre-show before the matinee. When she took the stage, the theater was empty. She started singing, but as people entered the room they completely ignored her, chatting noisily as they awaited the main event. She suddenly stopped the show, and started berating the audience for being so rude to her. Sophie had what Jews call chutzpah – audacious self-confidence – and she displayed so much humor and spirit that the audience fell in love with her. Nobody made a peep for the rest of the show, and they demanded three encores.

She was booked onto the New England Vaudeville circuit to sing African-American spirituals, and got rave reviews everywhere she went. It wasn’t just her big voice audiences loved, it was also her big personality, her confident swagger combined with self-deprecating humor. Sophie had a sharp wit and a voice that didn’t need a microphone to fill a room.

Audiences adored Sophie’s minstrel act, but she hated performing in blackface. Finally, at a performance in Boston, she’d had enough. She told the producer that her blackface makeup and costume were lost in transit, and before he could argue she marched onstage as herself. She told the shocked audience, “You-all can see I’m a white girl. Well, I’ll tell you something more: I’m not Southern. I’m a Jewish girl and I just learned this Southern accent doing a blackface act. And now, Mr. Leader, please play my song.” She never performed in blackface again.

Some of Sophie’s songs were bawdy, filled with innuendo and double entendre, while others were sentimental. Her most popular songs included “Some of These Days” and the Jewish favorite, “My Yiddishe Mama.” Initially Sophie only performed “Yiddishe Mama” in front of mostly Jewish audiences since much of the song was in Yiddish, but she soon found that all audiences loved the song. Even if they didn’t understand all of the words, they could appreciate her heartful singing about her devoted mother.

Sophie did a European tour in the 1920’s which was a huge success. When she arrived in England in 1922, she was greeted by fans with a huge sign reading “Welcome Sophie Tucker, America’s Foremost Jewish Actress!” Looking back at her career later in life, she described that sign as her proudest moment. Sophie performed for King George V and Queen Mary at the London Palladium in 1926. She greeted the monarch with a hearty “Hiya King!” The Daily Express described Sophie as “a big fat blond genius, with a dynamic personality and amazing vitality.” Yiddishe Mama became an international hit, and she was asked to perform the song in Berlin by the Berlin Broadcasting Company in 1931. Two years later, when Hitler came to power in 1933, all copies of the recording were destroyed.

Comedy writer Bruce Vilanch saw Sophie Tucker perform when he was a child. He remembered, “She’d make you laugh like crazy. She would belt. She still could blow the roof off the joint. Then she would do something incredibly schmaltzy, she would turn on a dime and make the audience weep… As soon as you were done crying, she would turn around and do some bawdy song… Everything she said was with the force of a judge making a sentence. She didn’t speak, she made policy statements.”

Throughout her career, Sophie chose songs mostly written by black and Jewish songwriters from Tin Pan Alley, including young Irving Berlin. She was close friends with her fellow Vaudeville performer Bill Robinson, known as Bojangles. When Sophie invited Bill to her sister’s wedding in the 1920’s, the doorman wouldn’t let him in, telling him to go through the kitchen. Sophie heard this and immediately pushed the doorman out of the way, closed the front door, and told the guests, “OK everybody goes through the kitchen.”

Despite her act’s raciness, she said “I’ve never sung a single song in my whole life on purpose to shock anyone. My ‘hot numbers’ are all, if you will notice, written about something that is real in the lives of millions of people.” Her songs included, “I May Be Getting Older Every Day (But Younger Every Night),” “I’m The Last of the Red-Hot Mamas,” “I Ain’t Takin’ Orders From No One,” and “When They Start to Ration my Passion, It’s Gonna Be Tough on Me.” She often made fun of her size, calling herself a “perfect 48.”

She kept improving her act, and after a decade as a solo performer, she created a back-up band of black jazz musicians called the “Kings of Syncopation.” They recorded several albums together, all of which were hits, and toured the country playing to enthusiastic crowds. In Chicago they played 15 weeks at the Palace and then at every other theater in town. Crooner Tony Bennett called Sophie “the most underrated jazz singer that ever lived.”

After a few years as the self-styled “Queen of Jazz,” Sophie re-imagined herself again, as a cabaret performer, accompanied by piano player Ted Shapiro. He became part of her act as they developed a snappy banter. Over the years she did some film, radio and TV work but what she loved most was interacting with a live audience.

Sophie married two more times, but neither husband liked being “Mr. Sophie Tucker” and both marriages failed. She said, “Once you start carrying your own suitcase, paying your own bills, running your own show, you’ve done something to yourself that makes you one of those women men like to call ‘a pal’ and “a good sport,’ the kind of woman they tell their troubles to. But you’ve cut yourself off from the orchids and the diamond bracelets, except those you buy yourself.” Throughout her life, Sophie was known for her generosity, and she gave away much of what she made to a variety of philanthropic causes. She established the Sophie Tucker Foundation in the early 1950’s, and endowed hospitals, synagogues, actors guilds, and several charitable organizations in Israel.

Sophie continued performing until the end of her life, even after getting lung cancer. While undergoing treatment she was still doing two shows a night. Sophie died at age 80 in 1966, during a months-long theater engagement. As she lay on her death bed, she asked the nurse to “bring me my chiffon hanky, bring me my wig” and she did bits from her act until she took her last breath. Thousands of mourners attended her funeral at Emanuel Synagogue Cemetery in Wethersfield, Connecticut. Known as the “Last of the Red-Hot Mamas,” Sophie’s act inspired later female performers such as Mae West and Bette Midler.

For entertaining audiences around the world for sixty years and giving generously to others, we honor Sophie Tucker as this week’s Thursday Hero.

Accidental Talmudist

[spidersmiceandeverythingnice]

All Emiya-san AU's are good AU's (its where my Actor Fionn lives too lol) and man there's a lot of untapped comedy gold of Shirou hearing all these stories about Diarmuid scaring away rude customers and thinking he looks super scarred up or w/e and then he meets him and it's like "??? he looks so nice?? are u sure this is the guy who nearly stabbed someones eye out???"

EHEHEHE I wrote a thing beneath the read more I looooove the Emiya Gohan AUS so much...

Everything about this situation was concerning for Shirou. It was bad enough that Archer was using Shirou’s name (the number of times he’d gotten, “Is that guy a relative of yours, Emiya-kun?” from ignorant but well-meaning classmates was starting to grate on his nerves) at his dumb part-time job (why Servants even needed part-time jobs was a mystery) and the fact that Lancer kept popping up to invite Taiga out for dinner and drinking but now, apparently, a third Servant had arrived.

The cafe’s regulars, of course, had no idea he was a Servant. Sakura and Rider had confirmed it after visiting the cafe on one of their dates, but didn’t seem to be worried. Of course, they weren’t worried. Sakura and Rider had enough power and magical energy between them to flatten the city, let alone deal with Servants. Rin also brushed off what Shirou believed was a wholly justified concern - “He’s probably just some lingering ghost from a past Grail War. Archer seems to like him fine, and he hangs out around Lancer, so what’s the big deal? If he becomes a problem, we’ll just deal with it like we always do.”

But in Shirou’s view, the Servant was already a problem. It was bad enough that the restored Servants of the Fifth Grail War could still draw upon the wild, free-flowing magic of Fuyuki’s leylines and pop up whenever they pleased - the fact that Servants from previous wars might show up too was giving him anxiety.

And this was before the rumors started.

Nobody seemed to know the guy’s name, or remember it if they saw it written down. He would pop up - always in the vicinity of the cafe - and often left behind gifts. One time, it was a bottle of wine for the manager. Another time, an antique coin for one of the waiters. He always seemed to disappear right when anyone asked for information about him, and reappear whenever something interesting happened. One time, near closing, a couple of drunk university students came in and tried to convince their waitress to leave in their car. When she refused, one of them joked about following her home.

At once, the mystery Servant walked in the door.

Another time, a middle-aged man from out of town shouted at one of the baristas until they had to run into the back to cry for the rest of their shift. On the local news the next morning, the man appeared to have been dropped at the hospital with a broken jaw and a soul full of remorse.

(Lancer actually laughed when he informed Shirou of this story.

“You were there and didn’t say anything?”

“Hey, I was the guy who had to deal with the asshole after he made our barista run off. It wasn’t a big deal, I just happened to call in a favor from a friend. Plus, he deserved it.”

And Lancer winked, like they were sharing an inside joke.)

And so on and so forth. Nobody could purge the service industry of customer horror stories, but this mystery Servant seemed to be doing his damnedest to make a dent in the problem. He was the most ghost-like of any Servant that Shriou had ever encountered.

Ayako and Kaede quickly became regulars at the cafe. Shirou thought it was hard to tell whether or not they were in love with the mystery Servant or whether or not they wanted to challenge him to a duel. It seemed to be a combination of both.

“He’s like, the toughest guy I’ve ever seen,” said Ayako, mystified. “I swear I thought he was going to tear that woman’s throat out.”

“This guy threatened a customer,” Shirou said, “and you’re happy?”

“Well, she was being rude to Yukika,” Kaede retorted, like that settled the matter. “I mean, I wasn’t counting, but I think she sent her coffee back six times before anyone said anything. She kept berating her like it was Yukika’s fault that she kept changing her mind about sugar and milk. She literally lied about what her original order was to get a free drink. It was awful.”

“But then this guy shows up,” Ayako continued the story, talking over Kaede as she continued muttering about the injustice faced by the track team’s manager. “And he clocks what’s happening, like, instantly. I dunno where the blue-haired guy was, I guess he was late for his shift or something, but he just - “

She motioned like she was trying to take up more space than her physical body allowed.

“I swear, it was like you could’ve heard a pin drop! He takes one look at Yukika and just goes up to the lady and -”

Another vague gesture like a karate chop.

“He hit this woman?” Shirou said, outraged.

“Nah, he wouldn’t hit anyone,” Kaede said, nodding sagely. “He doesn’t really need to, you know? You could just take one look at him and you know not to mess with this guy when he’s mad.”

That settled it. Shirou had to investigate on his own, since obviously no one else was going to take this seriously. It was bad that customers were mistreating the staff at Yukika’s job, but a Servant threatening humans was unacceptable.

It was time, at last, to enlist Saber’s help.

She had been living at Shirou’s house since her restoration, recovering from her injuries. Shirou hated the idea of asking her to fight again, especially when she was so clearly enjoying her life as a “normal human,” but he couldn’t afford to hold back if there was a dangerous, unknown Servant in the city. To her credit, Saber was happy to assist. She said she had been meaning to drop by and try Archer’s cooking for quite some time.

The two of them met on Sunday for lunch. Saber ordered two coffees and went into the kitchen to see Archer. Yukika wasn’t on shift today, so Shirou didn’t recognize any of the other staff. But he did notice that they all kept watching the door, as if waiting for something.

After the coffees arrived (Saber’s was left to cool on the table), the bell above the door chimed. Shirou felt the shift in the area’s magical energy before he looked up and saw the Servant himself. It was remarkably subtle, considering that it was like an icy draft passing through the cafe. You wouldn’t notice unless you were looking for it.

The waitstaff was suddenly all smiles.

Shirou looked up - and felt his jaw drop to the floor.

He did not look remotely threatening. The mystery Servant was, in fact, the most physically beautiful person that Shirou had ever seen in his life. Tall and muscular - his build was not dissimilar to Lancer, though he lacked Lancer’s wolfish aura - with a head of dark, thick curls. His face was elegant, from piercing, bright eyes all the way down to his perfect lips, only marred by a tiny beauty mark beneath his right eye.

Shirou had to look away, blushing despite himself. What the hell is wrong with me? He realized belatedly that he had come to this battle totally unprepared for a charm attack.

Is this guy cursed or something?

That was the only explanation. Why else did he feel like he would collapse if he looked this Servant directly in the face for too long? It wasn’t normal.

And on second glance, it appeared that Shirou wasn’t the only person taken aback. A couple on a date had paused their conversation to stare at the Servant, murmuring their appreciation in hushed tones; a middle-aged woman was holding a fork in her hand, oblivious to the fact that her cake had just splattered over her shoes. Two little kids were waving at him, apparently recognizing him from somewhere, and their parents had to hurriedly shush them because it’s rude to try and pull someone out of a conversation like that.

One of the waiters was talking to him. Shirou strained to listen, shaking himself.

“Want the usual?”

“If it’s not too much trouble,” said the Servant, in a smooth, polite voice that made Shirou hate him irrationally. Stupid, handsome guy. “Is Cu in today?”

“I think he said he’s on vacation,” the waiter replied. “But Emiya’s here if you want to talk to him.”

Shirou looked up, baffled by the fact that the unfamiliar waiter knew his name, momentarily forgetting that Archer had stolen his name as a cover-up.

The Servant noticed. Barely a glance, a flicker of the gaze in his direction.

Shirou turned back and drank deeply from his coffee, which scalded his tongue.

“Oh, I see,” said the Servant, sounding amused now. “Thank you.”

“Sure thing! I’ll let him know you’re here.”

Once the initial shock of the Servant’s appearance dissipated, everything went back to normal so fast that it was almost jarring. The middle-aged woman clicked her tongue and grabbed napkins to clean up her shoes; the couple resumed planning the rest of their day; the kids kept eating, having gotten bored with trying to get the Servant’s attention. The faint, drafty aura of magic passed and the temperature in the cafe seemed to rise back to comfortable levels. Definitely cursed, Shirou decided, frowning into his coffee cup.

“Excuse me?”

Shirou blanched. The Servant had appeared behind him, smiling patiently.

“Are you waiting for someone?” he asked, indicating Saber’s coffee cup.

Shirou was suddenly, oddly conflicted. Without knowing what this Servant was capable of, was it fair to expose Saber like this?

“Uh, no,” he said, uselessly. “Well, not exactly.”

The Servant waited, patiently, for him to explain. Shirou grimaced.

“My friend is a friend of the guy who cooks here,” he said, hating himself for giving it away. “She wanted to come visit him, so I’m just waiting for her to get back before we leave.”

“Really?” said the Servant, smiling. “That’s nice. You’re a friend of Emiya?”

Shirou twitched. “No. I am Emiya.”

“Oh?”

“Not related to that guy, obviously,” he muttered. “But - anyway,” Shirou blurted, suddenly noticing a distinctive piece of fly-away blonde hair emerging from the kitchen, “it’s a long story, and we’d better get going, so see you later -”

He hastily threw some money down on the table for his coffee and rushed to Saber’s side.

“What’s the matter?” she asked him, brows furrowed with concern. “I thought that you were -”

“Saber!”

Shirou winced, and then - wait a minute. How on Earth did the enemy Servant know Saber’s name!?

To his horror, a huge smile spread over Saber’s face.

“Saber, don’t!” Shirou hissed. “You have to look away! This guy’s got some kind of charm spell on him that -”

Saber only laughed and lightly pushed him aside. Though she’d scarcely used a fraction of her true strength, Shirou stumbled.

“Oh, don’t be silly, Shirou. This is an old friend of mine.”

And she crossed the cafe in order to give the Servant a huge hug. Because Saber was approximately half of the mystery Servant’s size, he was able to lift her easily and spun her in a circle. Saber laughed at this.

“I must admit I’m surprised!” she said. “I didn’t think -”

Saber seemed to become self-conscious. But the enemy Servant merely beamed.

“Think nothing of it! I had no idea you were here in the city.”

“Really? Cu and Emiya didn’t tell you?”

“They mentioned a surprise,” said the Servant, shrugging. “I suppose this must be it.”

Saber shook her head. “Of course they did. Foolish boys.”

“I must apologize - I was introducing myself to your friend.”

“Oh, yes! This is my current Master, Shirou. Shirou,” said Saber, waving to him. “This is my old friend - he was a Lancer in the previous quest for the Grail.”

“Please,” said the former Lancer, “call me Diarmuid, if you’d like.”

He gave away his True Name so casually. Who the hell is he, though? Shirou frowned as he came closer.

“Sorry,” he muttered. “I didn’t realize you were one of Saber’s friends.”

“And I did not realize you were a mage,” said Diarmuid, breezily. “But no matter! Are you really leaving?” he asked Saber. “Your Master has indicated that you might have plans -”

“Nonsense!” Saber assured him, cheerful as well. “We were just sitting down. Did you order? I’ve been meaning to try Archer’s cooking for awhile, you see, so I plan to stay here for the afternoon.”

Saber and Diarmuid walked back to their table and pulled up a third chair.

Shirou bit back a groan.

It was going to be a long day.

[discotreque]

Disco 3.08: The Sanctuary

This week IRL was a real mixed bag for me: a lot of messy and barely-manageable anxiety about my health, my day job, and uhhhh *gestures outside*—but also I’ve recently fallen in love (from a responsible social distance)—so it’s been equal parts re-writing professional emails to edit the panic attack out of my tone and gazing dreamily at Discord notifications with cartoon hearts in my eyes. It feels like my life is going to hell in the cutest, coziest handbasket—which is to say that Michael Burnham could not possibly feel like a more relatable character to me right now.

I continue to have issues with the writing at a strange medium-level—somewhere between micro, where the dialogue and characters are really good, and macro, where I’m digging the pace of the overall season, it almost feels like something went wrong in the assembly process, and the script ended up a little bit less than the sum of its perfectly good parts. Again.

But that’s such vague criticism as to be nearly meaningless, and it’s hardly the most interesting level to spend time on anyway. If I zoom out, the parallel season arcs of “getting used to the future” and “the mystery of the Burn” are hanging together wayyyyy better than the Red Angel saga did last year.

And if I zoom in? This episode was funny as shit, wtf.

The discourse re: Tilly these past couple of weeks has been bullshit, and I have a whole angry thing to say about it—but honestly, if you can’t appreciate Doug Jones and Mary Wiseman as a comedic duo, I’m not really mad: mostly I pity the lack of joy in your heart.

Everyone on this show is so funny. Doug’s prissy little delivery absolutely slaughters me (“Execute!...?”), Mary will make a face sometimes that has me screaming laughter into my hands, and I’ve gone on before—and will again—about Sonequa Martin-Green’s egregiously underrated comedy chops.

They were obviously casting for folks w/ jokes in the new season too: David Ajada is no slouch in the dry-delivery or the goofy-face department; his energy and chemistry with Sonequa are as suited to comedy as they are to romance (i.e. extremely 🥵). Anthony Rapp and Wilson Cruz we knew about, but Blu del Barrio—a certified tiny baby!!!—holds their own and lands every smartass whiz-kid one-liner just on the right side of “too precious to stand.” (I almost always at least chuckle, and never roll my eyes, and for a “teen genius” character that’s literally as good as it gets.) And living legend Michelle Yeoh is clearly having the time of her life, omfg.

Disco’s not funny-funny like Lower Decks, but they do funny-on-purpose better than any live-action Trek except maybe DS9. They have such a deep comedic bench they don’t even need Tig Notaro—they have her on just to flex, I presume.

(I don’t know if I’m predicting, per se, that Strange New Worlds—with Rebecca Romjin’s deadpan, Anson Mount’s twinkly eyes, and Ethan Peck’s twinkly-eyed deadpan—is going to have a tone somewhere between Disco S3 and LwD—but I mean... it kinda has to, right? And you know they kept the number for Rainn Wilson’s agent.)

***

At the start of this episode, I was “sure, why the fuck not” about First Officer Tilly; by the end, I was completely on board. And to everyone who’s still wringing their hands about “the real military” this (always from people who have no idea how actual militaries work, lol) and “Lt. Nilsson” that (she... already has a job on the ship? And no character traits besides “stoic” and “furrows brow”? Oh, I get it—she’s skinny and blonde)—y’all are kind of embarrassing me.

“Rank” and “position” (and “seniority” and “day-to-day duties”...) aren’t the same thing, in Star Trek or any IRL military. Yes, the permanent first officers of normal-duty Starfleet ships we’ve seen have usually been command-division officers with the rank of Commander—but not always. Star Trek: Discovery-A, if you will, is a unique show about a unique ship in a unique situation: “B-b-but that’s not how they do it on Star Trek!!!” isn’t a legitimate criticism, not of this—it’s the mournful cry of an entitled pissbaby who isn’t having their hand held all the way to the fireworks factory.

Here’s what an argument supported by the text of the first 37 episodes of Star Trek: Discovery actually looks like: Sylvia Tilly is nervous and lacks self-confidence, but once she gets over herself—which she can do pretty much instantly in a crisis, even when hilariously intoxicated—she is competent as hell. In lower-stakes situations, without intense pressure to focus her attention, she sometimes gets sidetracked by her own insecurities; at her best, she channels that anxious energy into ambition, drive, and being scrupulously organized.

The only person Tilly doesn’t always get along with is Stamets, and even Stamets’s husband thinks he’s an asshole. Since Season 1, we’ve seen her easily socializing with the rest of the crew, who seem to universally adore her. And she’s also happy to leave her social comfort zone at a moment’s notice: she aligned herself with Ash Tyler (miss you, Shazad!) when no one else would, and she instantly befriended Po even when Po was in Weird Feral Alien Princess mode and Tilly had salad in her hair. She doesn’t like confrontation, but she’s brave enough to initiate it anyway if she needs to, and she’s compassionate with other people’s feelings while still setting firm boundaries. (Her graceful dodge of Rhys’s tipsy kiss at the party in 1.07 lives rent-free in my head to this day.)

No, Tilly didn’t finish the Command Training Program—but she started it, which is almost certainly more command training than any of the lieutenants whose names we know, all of whom are Ops or Science personnel with, presumably, specialized non-command training of their own. The same could be assumed for any unseen ranking officers on this science ship with an entirely volunteer skeleton crew.

And seriously, about Nilsson: she’s my #3 background bae after Octopus Head and the lady on Pike’s Enterprise with the spiky red face, but her job is Spore Drive Ops, not personnel. If she’s running after Saru with a holo-clipboard, who’s going to look serious and push holo-buttons when there’s a Black Alert? *drops holo-mic* Drumhead!

***

The stuff on Kwejian, though. Ooof. Ol’ Two-Takes Frakes directed this one, and between the kinetic energy he always adds to the camera and the scintillating performances he evokes, things stayed moving so briskly I almost didn’t notice Book’s entire “homeworld” was a rental house outside Vancouver, a couple acres of adjacent woods, and like six or seven people.

It’s a hot mess in retrospect, but in the moment it gave us the intensity of Book and Kyheem trying to hurt each other’s feelings by poking at 15-year-old wounds, which as a sibling with complicated sibling relationships I found both funny and devastating—not to mention Frakes directing “shaky bridge” explosion falls at an obvious intensity of “10” on an outdoor location shoot. It falls apart at the slightest scrutiny, but I can’t lie, on first viewing I was totally along for the ride.

***

I’m dying to see where this Georgiou thing goes. It doesn’t feel like a stretch to assume she got Cronenberg’d a couple weeks ago, probably to get her under the thumb of this century’s Section 31, and that her arc is going to take Michelle Yeoh off this show in a way that sets up the S31 show. But also, I don’t care so much whether I’m right, I just want to watch Michelle Yeoh—and Sonequa Martin-Green, and also David Cronenberg tbh, and bring back Shazad Latif while you’re at it—get wherever they’re going.

It’s also a fun and interesting direction to take the comically-evil comic relief character and show that her performative moustache-twirling is partly habit and partly a transparent emotional defence against very real fear and vulnerability. We’re all products of our circumstances, and a radical enough change in circumstances can afford almost anyone at least the opportunity to change. I can’t say Emperor Georgiou would have been my first choice of protagonist for that storyline, but it’s not like Michelle Yeoh’s not going to fuckin’ crush it.

***

Miscellany:

So the Burn had an origin point, and now that point is broadcasting a signal that’s somehow both a haunting melody that everyone seems to know—but no one can remember learning—and a Federation distress signal. What the fuck, y’all. I have full-body goosebumps just typing that.

Saru workshopping his own captainly catchphrase with the aid of Tilly’s extreme sincerity and organizational skills is probably the funniest thing that’s ever happened on this show—followed closely by the uncomfortably lingering reaction shots when he’s trying them out on the bridge 😂 (And omg please give Rhys and Bryce the dumbass buddy-comedy C-plots they deserve next season, I beg you.)

I would do a little “prop watch” entry on those Kwejianian(?) bolt-throwing rifles, but I’d have to stop drooling over them first. “Curvy polished hardwood” seems to be New Trek shorthand for “extra sleek and futuristic” (cf. the bridge of the USS Titan in the LwD finale), and I have to say: I am fully into it.

Restating my prediction that we will not see Detmer and Owosekun get together this season, because we will find out that they’ve been together for ages. Everyone knew—Pike even knew!—it just never came up in front of the audience before. That would be one of the cutest ways to do it imho, and one of the funniest too, especially as a meta-joke about how much character development didn’t happen in the first two seasons. (That said, if we get to see their first kiss, I will be screaming with incoherent joy for days, so this is a real win-win for me.)

Speaking of cute: IRL spouses Mary Wiseman and Noah Averbach-Katz, both Julliard-trained actors (it’s where they met!), can’t quite hide their chemistry in the scenes between Tilly and Ryn. I loved seeing Tilly be a hardass when Ryn was rude to the captain, but that sparkle in her eyes didn’t quite match the context <3

And speaking of people who are VERY OBVIOUSLY IN LOVE: that last scene with Book and Michael, and his nervous little “yeah, I said it” eyebrow lift, and her irrepressible giggle as she’s walking away... it was almost too much. Especially right after the queer-family scenes with Stamets and Culber and Adira. My poor heart is going through a lot lately, and I guess I’m just glad Season 3’s emotional intensity is melting it with soft sweet scenes like that instead of kicking it down repeated flights of stairs like Season 1.

***

Next week: everyone stops caring about the Burn and starts trying to solve an even more important mystery—why is this (holographic) dude wearing an early-2360s uniform with an early-2370s combadge?

[buzzdixonwriter]

Another Pointless Top Ten List (But You’ll Keep Reading, Anyway)

My brother Rikk recently mailed me another top ten list of his, in this instance being his top ten favorite TV comedy shows (which he defines as 30 minutes or less, no movies).

The Three Stooges

M*A*S*H

The Andry Griffith Show 

The Beverly Hillbillies

Hogan’s Heroes

I Love Lucy 

The Honeymooners 

All In The Family

Get Smart 

Gilligan’s Island

His honorable mentions include F Troop, The Patty Duke Show, My Three Sons, Gomer Pyle USMC, Batman, Petticoat Junction, Mr. Ed. Bewitched, and I Dream Of Jeanie.

Again, one of those personal favorite lists that you really can’t argue with because it reflects personal tastes and / or fond nostalgia (though I am calling shenanigans on The Three Stooges; they were theatrical shorts shown in movie theaters, not a TV show, and besides, Laurel & Hardy are soooooo much better…).

But of course we’re going to play the game, so I’ll respond, first throwing in a caveat:  No skit comedy shows such as Monty Python’s Flying Circus, The Marty Feldman Show, Benny Hill, Second City TV, The Kids In The Hall, or Love, American Style.

I’m also omitting programs like The Gong Show and Jackass because while hilarious and under 30 minutes, they weren’t scripted or story driven.

So here’s my list:

The Dick Van Dyke Show -- the sitcom art form at peak perfection.  Carl Reiner’s insight into what writing for a mercurial TV star is like (in his case, Sid Caesar on Your Show Of Shows, for Van Dyke’s Rob Petrie it was Carl Reiner as Alan Brady).  If you’ve never seen the show, start off with their two best episodes, “Coast To Coast Big Mouth” and “October Eve” (though they’re all good).  “October Eve” is the one where Sally (Rose Marie) finds a nude painting of Laura (Mary Tyler Moore playing Dick Van Dyke’s wife) in an art gallery.  SALLY:  “There’s a painting here you should know about.”  LAURA: “If it’s what I think it is, I can explain.”  SALLY:  “If you need to explain, it’s what you think it is.”

The Mary Tyler Moore Show – this is the first American novel for television.  It’s a novel of character, not plot, and it traces the growth of Mary Richards, a 30 year old woman-child who realizes she needs to grow up, as she blossoms into a mature, self-reliant adult.  You can select two episodes at random and by comparing her character growth determine not only which season they were filmed but when in that season.

I Love Lucy -- eking out a bronze medal for its longevity and pioneering of the art form.  The first sitcom shot on film, it led the way in the rerun market.  Not just a historical icon but consistently funny.

WKRP In Cincinnati -- as crazy as a sitcom could get and still be within the realm of plausibility.  Never loved by its network, they bounced it around for four seasons until it faded away (it made a syndicated comeback a decade later, of which we shall not speak).  Great supporting staff, dynamite writing.  While they never steered away from serious subject matters (such as an actual rock concert tragedy in Cincinnati where several fans were crushed when rushing the stage), they will be forever and justly remembered for the beloved “Turkey Drop” episode.

Fawlty Towers – only two seasons and a mere 12 episodes and yet more comedic bang for the buck than anything else on this list.  John Cleese as a frustrated, short-tempered, conniving hotelier practically writes itself.  SYBIL FAWLTY:  “You know what I’ll do if I find you’ve been gambling again, don’t you, Basil?”  BASIL:  “You’ll have to sew them back on first, m’dear.”

That Girl -- looking back it can sometimes be hard to judge just how groundbreaking certain shows were.  Marlo Thomas as a struggling young actress finding romance and success in Manhattan seems positively wholesome today, but in the mid-1960s it was considered quite daring and progressive.  The Mary Tyler Moore Show took their opening credits inspiration from Marlo Thomas’ character exploring Manhattan in the opening credits of That Girl.

He & She -- a one season wonder from 1967.  Another daring and progressive show for its era.  Richard Benjamin and Paula Prentiss played a young married couple, he being a cartoonist who drew a superhero strip (the actor playing the superhero on TV in the series was Jack Cassidy at his manic best).  Another show with a dynamite supporting cast…and just too hip for the room at the time (honorable mention to Love On A Rooftop, a similar show from the previous season that also proved too advanced for audiences at that time).  

Green Acres -- started out silly but quickly took a turn into the surreal, breaking the fourth wall, commenting on the opening credits as they ran by, all sorts of oddball stuff.  Dismissed as a hayseed comedy, the truth is the supporting cast possessed dynamite comedic chops and their sense of timing is a joy to behold.  Forms a loose trilogy with The Beverly Hillbillies and Petticoat Junction since all three referenced the same small towns of Hooterville and Pixley  as well as occasional crossovers (honorable mention to the first season of Petticoat Junction which is as pure an example of Americana as one could hope to find and could easily be distilled into a feature film remake).

The Young Ones -- another two season / twelve episode wonder from the UK.  Four stereotypical English college students go through increasing levels of insanity as the series progressed.  Unlike most shows of the era where there was no continuity episode to episode, damage done in an early episode would still be seen for the rest of the series.  (They also would simply end a show when they ran out of time, not resolving that episode’s plot.)  Their random / non sequitur style proved a tremendous influence on shows like Family Guy.

Fernwood 2 Nite / America 2-Nite -- a spin off from the faux soap opera Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, this presented itself as a cable access variety show for Mary Hartman’s hometown of Fernwood.  With Martin Mull as the obnoxious host, Fred Willard as his incurably dense second banana, and TV theme song composer Frank De Vol as the band leader.  Because it’s so rooted in 1970s pop culture it doesn’t age as well as some other shows on the list, but many of the gags still land solidly today.  For the second season the show-within-a-show went nationwide and became America 2-Nite. Very funny, very well written, and all the more remarkable because these guys were doing five episodes a week!

Okay, so what can this list tell us?

Buzz is old.  Like really, really, really old.

Buzz stopped watching sitcoms in the mid-1980s.

There’s a reason for that.  By that time I was writing for TV and trying to get my own work done.  I didn’t have time to sit and watch TV on a regular basis (still don’t), and too often I could see the gears turning and guess where the episode was heading by the end of the first scene (still do).

I’ve veered away from “must watch” TV, especially shows that require the audience to keep track of what’s gone on before.

Tell me I have to see the first six seasons of a show to appreciate what happens in the seventh and you’ve just lost me as a potential viewer.  I’m strictly a one & done kinda guy now (though I will binge watch if a mini-series has a manageable number of episodes, say six).

My list represents a time capsule for what caught my interest and attention during a very formative period of my life, i.e., from the early 1960s as I became more and more aware that writing was where my future lay, to the mid-1980s when I hit a good peak stretch.

I don’t doubt there are great and wonderful hilarious comedies out there that I haven’t seen, I’m just listing what I have seen that did make an impression on me.

Your mileage may vary.*

    © Buzz Dixon

  *  It should vary!  Be your own person!

[aion-rsa]

Why The Great North Isn’t Just Another Bob’s Burgers

https://ift.tt/3rSBEcN

It’s easy to take one look at FOX’s newest animated comedy, The Great North, and assume it’s exactly like the long running and beloved Bob’s Burgers. Two of The Great North’s creators wrote a good chunk of Bob’s Burgers episodes and the shows share a near-identical art style after all. At first glance some of the Bob’s Burgers character archetypes seem to be involved as well: awkward daughter, an odd sarcastic youngest child, and a loving, if somewhat offbeat, father.  So why bother with something like Bob’s Burgers when you could just watch Bob’s Burgers?

While there are a few surface similarities, by the end of the first episode of The Great North you’ll realize there’s so much more to it than just an Alaskan set version of the Belcher family. It’s got humor all its own, unique characters, and the potential to be something that isn’t merely a rival to Bob’s Burgers but a truly unique experience.

So let’s head up north to discover all the reasons why The Great North is so wonderful. As a brief primer, the show is set in Alaska and follows the Tobin family with fisherman dad Beef, artistic daughter Judy, loveably dumb son Ham, bear-suit wearing son Moon, oldest and eager to please son Wolf, his always chipper and new to Alaska fiancé Honeybee, and Judy’s best imaginary friend Alanis Morissette…played by Alanis Morssette.

The Family’s Lack of a Mom is Refreshingly Handled

A lack of a mom is a huge trope in animation at this point (look at damn near every ‘90s Disney movie) and if there is a mom, especially in a comedy, she tends to be wacky or overly loving. The Great North puts a new twist on both of these in its very first episode.

The plot of the premiere deals with Beef struggling to get over his ex-wife years after she abandoned the family. An ex-wife isn’t anything to write home about, a single dad taking care of a family is a comedy trope in of itself, but it’s what we learn about Beef’s ex that makes this element so refreshing.

Instead of the mom just not being present or having died off screen, Beef only acts like she’s dead, a fabrication everyone goes along with to keep him sane. When he isn’t around though Judy is quick to point out the rest of the family doesn’t buy this and they never liked her much anyway. She even flat out states,

“She was a really bad mom, okay? And it was actually better when she left.”

The other kids then list off horrible things she did, like name their dog Grandma solely so, “she wouldn’t be lying when she said we were with Grandma when people asked.” She runs a blog with her “new lover” about stores that wont chase you if you shoplift. Even in her goodbye letter to Ham she just wrote, “smell you later.”

I love this so much because it replaces all the easy sentimentality of a dead or simply absent mom that comedies love and instead opens up some fantastic new storytelling opportunities. In the pilot alone it gives us deep insight into Beef, that despite how awful she was he refuses to think anything but the best of her. Why is he like that? Is it his way of not thinking about all the terrible things she did? She’s left him so broken he has to concoct an elaborate fantasy to keep himself sane. It makes you instantly love the character and while he does seemingly get over this denial in the pilot I can foresee it impacting him for the rest of the series.

It’s also so refreshing because the kids aren’t all that broken up about it. Knowing their mom was terrible helps reflect a lot of what kids go through in real life. Sometimes they just have a bad parent and there’s no deep explanation of why, they just are and it’s not great. Maybe Judy and the others are hurt by this and I’d love to see the show tackle that in the future but even if it strictly keeps this part of their characters on the comedic side of things? It’s empowering. These kids aren’t broken up by their awful mom and want her back; they’re thriving BECAUSE she isn’t around. 

Nick Offerman Being Nick Offerman

Over the years Nick Offerman has perfected the deadpan and loveable character that brought him to fame in Parks and Recreation. His role as Beef isn’t a major departure from that mold but it does allow Offerman to be even warmer than his most famous character. 

As Beef he’s a capable man who gets up to see the sun rise and chop wood. He loves nature so much he steals a potted plant from a mall to take better care of it. His love for his family is on full display and he often goes to absurd lengths to keep them together. Offerman brings a great charm to the role and all of the jokes he delivers are winners. 

The Rural Location

Bob’s Burgers draws much inspiration from its city setting, while The Great North is set in rural Alaska. This may seem like a surface level change but once again opens up all kinds of new opportunities for stories and characters. Where the Belcher family was somewhat cynical to city life (you would be to with a landlord breathing down your neck) the Tobin family openly embraces the chilly north.

Judy sits out on the roof and talks with her imaginary best friend, Moon takes great pride in his ability to mimic a soon to be eaten cadaver laying out in the snow, and Beef specifically gets up every morning to stare in wild wonder at Alaska’s majesty while whispering “hot dog.” The whole family even delights in going to the mall, which is the kind of joy only someone living out in the middle of nowhere can truly appreciate.

The Different Character Dynamics

Even after eleven truly fantastic seasons Bob’s Burgers characters still manage to never feel stale and the team behind the show always finds new ways to play around with them. With such a rock solid cast of characters you’d think they could tackle any story imaginable but The Great North is already proving to be a home for stories that just wouldn’t work for Bob’s Burgers.

The most noticeable change is that most of the kids are older. Judy and Ham are both sixteen which opens up a lot of possibilities that couldn’t be done with the Belcher kids. They can get involved in more serious relationships, have jobs (as Judy gets in the first episode), and are able to be more autonomous from the family. Wolf, the oldest of all of them, is engaged! Imagine what could be done with a soon-to-be married couple? Honeybee herself also functions as a delighted fish out of water to Alaska, her thoughts on the Tobins’ life a needed commentary. Her outgoing personality also clashes well with Moon’s stoic nature.

Read more

TV

The 10 Best Bob’s Burgers Episodes

By Chris Cummins

Judy and Ham also share a more loving sibling dynamic than any of the Belcher kids ever have. In Bob’s Burgers the kids don’t wear their hearts on their sleeves, they’re more likely to make sarcastic quips about one other. The Great North though has Judy and Ham share a special bond, the two have a secret handshake that goes for an indeterminable amount of time. It’s really sweet and it makes me excited to see what kind of comedy can be mined from this more openly affectionate family.

Ham Is Gay And I Love Him

Ham is my favorite character so far in this show. He’s a little slow on the uptake but loves everyone in his family a lot and can even make a perfect replica of a cadaver… in the form of a cake. He also happens to be gay, a fact that is wonderfully confirmed in the first episode when he blurts out, “I AM GAY!

To which Moon responds, “we know. You’ve come out to us a bunch of times.”

Beef then adds, “we love you just the way you are, damn it!”

Ham, clearly not remembering his past comings-out, yells, “WELL, THANK YOU FOR BEING AN ALLY!”

It’s a great scene and kicks any subtext out the door. Queer audiences don’t have to sit around guessing who COULD be queer in the show (as they’re so often forced to do with so little representation in media) there’s a character who said OUT LOUD he’s gay. He’s one of us!

Bob’s Burgers has had several one-time gay characters (Bob did refer to himself as “mostly straight” once but that was more of a gag) but getting a gay teen in the main cast is sublime. He’s also a different sort of gay teen then we’re used to in television, with a tiny “probably thinks it’s cooler than it actually is” mustache and his “not quite all there” personality. He’s not a stereotype, he’s got some obvious flaws, but he’s loveable! Sure enough, his family loves him and accepts him.

Having a gay character in the cast opens up so many story possibilities. Are there any other gay kids in this rural town? What if there’s only one and he’s forced to date him? Does he know what kind of guys he likes yet? Where do the gay kids hang out in this town? 

It also must be reiterated that his family loves him and accepts him. While drama over coming out and acceptance is totally valid, I’m glad that Ham will get the chance to just be gay and his family will support him all the way. We can just see him happily (if somewhat absent-mindedly) live his life and that’s needed in a world with so little queer representation. As a pansexual man myself it’s heartwarming. I wish I had a character like Ham when I was growing up. 

Alanis Morissette Is A Main Character

Yes, Alanis Morissette is in The Great North (played by the actual Alanis Morissette) but in an absolutely perfect choice she’s not the REAL Alanis Morissette, she’s Judy’s best imaginary friend who just happens to be Alanis Morissette. Judy’s artistic so it makes sense she’d look up to someone as incredible as the Canadian musical genius. As an imaginary best friend she tends to serve as a sounding board for Judy’s thoughts and gives absolutely flawless advice.

Even better though? The imaginary Alanis Morissette also only appears in the Aurora Borealis. That’s… incredible. What a way to take advantage of the show’s location!

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

 The Great North is a delight. It’s only been two episodes (the third one premieres February 14 and the first two are available on Hulu) but it’s already shown a lot of promise. Not in the “oh it’ll get good eventually” sense but in the “no it’s already great and I want to see more of it!” Don’t think of it as another Bob’s Burgers, just think of it as its own wonderful moose-filled show (it’s Alaska, what did you expect) and you’ll have a fantastic time. Truly, in these dark times we could all use a little help from imaginary best friend Alanis Morissette.

The post Why The Great North Isn’t Just Another Bob’s Burgers appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3tVzoTX