#hiding in my safe lil closet to save my sweet lil trans ass from sheer anger at them

[dark-asterisk]

[[‼️⚠️VENT // RANT⚠️‼️]]

TW; religious tra/ma

...

So I was bawling my eyes out today and told my mom (Christian) about the hallucinations I had today at school and the constant headaches and bedrotting I had done. Told her I was scared it was a disease and I wouldn't make it, she told me she's take me to the pediatrician.

I know she loves me and wishes the best for me. She's trying her best, and she's a strong, independent woman I'd WANT to admire and aspire to be....

But my scared sobbing went to saddened sobbing. I'll just give screenshots.

(HEADS-UP; when I took the two screenshots, and I was going to mark the ones I needed covered but I accidentally tapped them away on both of them so PLEASE ignore them I'm too tired to even do it..)

She STILL hasn't responded since 4:43pm when I SENT her that.

Only my dad knows about me being a Hellenist and knows my gf is too. We are both proud Hellenists. So telling my mom this was SCARY. It is 5:02pm RIGHT NOW

Im tempted to apologize to her but then again the religious trauma I endured caused me to be an atheist at 8. And later become a Hellenist at 13. Never told her. My dad supports me and my world history teacher too, and my friend group.

I love my mom guys but sometimes I feel like I'm two-faced around her. I haven't even TOLD any of my family members I became TRANSMASC... knowing damn well I could barely FATHOM what they would do— but it's not like they'd beat me for it. Probably just give me nasty looks since it's "their religion and God told them to only be with man and woman"... and I think if I were 18 it would be a lil different rn.

And I'm lying to my friends and my own MUSHROOMGENDER LOVER that she respects me for who I am to make them not hate her because I SEE HER DIFFERENTLY WHEN ITS NOT LIKE THIS... she's kind, sweet, will tell you the answer without sugar-coating shit, and she's funny and I got my alt music taste from HER... I love her, and as much as I want to vent about her being this toxic but I also care about her image. I'm tainting the image of the very woman who stood there raising me and my little sister when our dad left when I was seven. And when she says something overprotective or sumn I lie and say it's finance or a fucking agenda to THEIR faces or on discord. I'm sick of lying but I want them to not see my mom just on this side.

It actually breaks my heart to not get validation or support when I mention shit like this. I may be breaking their God's law but at least I'd be happier.

...

I do wonder if I made her very sad... or very mad... she still hasn't texted back and it's 5:16pm.

Whatever, I'm gonna end this. Thanks for letting a therapeutic friend vent to GODS knows how many people would see this, but take this as awareness of toxic Christians... if anyone does happen to know me or any of my IRL friends personally no tf you don't.

I feel more sad than hurting in the head. Anyway thanks again for letting me get this off my chest. And please don't hurt me or her if you know us because of my vent

I love her so much even through these times. It's very rare to experience these things

Also might not post for a while unless it's an update !! Bye!