#hi i know i’m late af to this but i spent 12 hours at work yesterday and i’m doing it again today HAHAHA help !

[giddlygoat]

oh yeah totally forgot to mention go look at @binjpipe’s right now i am BEGGANG !!!!!

i don’t know anything about this guy but my friend draws him so so so pretty and i like robots so .

[nanasarea]

Lee Jeno as your idol bf

Genre: fluff

Pairing: jeno x idol!reader

Prompt: Jeno and you being the cutest duo

Request: Can i request maybe Jeno as your idol boyfriend?

Word count: 1348

Haechan /  Yuta / Mark /  Jaemin / Chenle / Renjun / Jisung / Jaehyun

you were a new sm rookie

so you saw each other a lot

but you never actually interacted

he had his busy schedule

and you spent most of your time practicing

but you whenever you saw him

your heart went boom

we got that boom boom boom boom boom 

but his does too

he was the mc when you debuted

he stood next to you when he introduced your group

yeeun was on the other side

and he had to give you some flowers

yeeun gave your band mate some too

but that didn’t stop him from blushing 

the dreamies teased him so much

he replays the video on youtube

like 25 times

fast forward to promotions

you go on a variety show 

it’s an sm special

so a few members from nct, your group, red velvet, so on

and the mc asks you for your ideal types

jeno gets shy instantly

“are you shy because she’s here?” - renjun

*cue to Renjun’s funeral*

he just smiles 

while mentally punching Renjun

but it’s okay 

because he physically punches Haechan when he said

“bro, you’ve had this crush since she was a rookie, man up.”

at least you don’t know it’s you, right?

haha wrong

Haechan is there what do you expect

he accidentally says you name when he explains Jeno’s crush

RIP Renhyuck when they get back to the dorms

mainly hyuck tho

your members tease you for it too 

because they know you have the biggest crush on him

“Jeno, it’s okay, y/n has a crush on you t-”

you end up putting your hand over their mouth a little too late

you know how irene is like almost everyone under sm’s mom?

she ends up setting you up 

“ah, young love.” 

“irene-noona, you’re acting like you’re 50″ -jeno

“shush, child.” -irene

you stay after practice to work on your dance

just so happens that jeno also planned to practice then

so you end up showing off to each other

and flirting

very shy flirting 

because he gets flustered when either of you say anything

or do anything

he gets so red when you bring up the variety show

you end up just sitting on the floor

and talking the whole night

yes, the whole night

mark walks in to start practice

“I didn’t know anyone was going to be here this early.”

“early?”

“it’s 7am?”

cue looking at each other and getting flustered

thankfully mark came for 127 practice

yours don’t start until 3

and Jeno’s doesn’t start till 6

so you end up getting some coffee 

at this point, you’ve spent 12 hours together

but neither of you are ready to say goodbye

sure, you ran out of things to say

but was that going to stop either of you?

hahahahaha no

you end up going back to your dorms for lunch time

because both of your members were worried

and you hadn’t showered last night

and you had practice

so by this point, you needed one

but before going your separate ways

he gets your number

obviously

and you give it to him

obviously

you haven’t even been seeing each other for 3 weeks

but the fans know

the fans know everything

with like almost no proof

you go out and invite some friends to avoid a dating scandal?

they see right through it

even with hats, sunglasses and masks?

they recognize based on your height

so sm’s like “yes, they are dating, now shut the fuck up”

fans: we been knew tho

ok so remember when

chenle: jaemin mom, jeno dad

well

congrats, you’ve just adopted a whole group of chaotic crackhead

not that you mind

you love them

jisung even starts calling you his parent

casually

jaemin is like highkey annoyed

first you steal his boyfriend, now his son?

but it’s okay

because you also steal his heart

believe it or not, he’s your number 1# shipper

you were shocked but not surprised

bc like you two do be cute

going on vlive together like all the time

mainly voice only

bc “babe, i have no makeup on.”

“jeno, literally stfu, you look perfect”

“aww, babe.”

renjun throwing up in the bg

i’m not saying he would want to match 

but he would lowkey want to match

you’d end up asking jaemin to take like 879 pictures

jaemin lowkey loves it

but he still complains

you have to buy him coffee for his hard work

your ig account being filled with cute pics like

“ootd w/ babe”

you mention jsmr to him once

and he starts doing them again

even features you on one of them

he just stares at you the whole time

did you actually do a good job with the asmr?

do you think he cares?

you’re cute, 

he’s whipped,

you could scream into the mic and he’d be like

“omg, that was amazing”

whipped jeno whipped jeno whipped jeno whipped jeno whipped jeno

oh and 

did i mention whipped jeno?

your comeback teaser came out like 3 seconds ago?

he’s already watched it 5 times

screenshots every frame with you in it

fanboys

then proceeds to fanboy to you

“bABE YOU LOOK TOO GOOD, YOU’RE PAYING FOR MY MEDICAL BILL BC I JUST HAD A HEART ATTACK”

daily snaps from him when you both have schedules

sometimes even from hyuck teasing him

sends a photo of jeno on his phone

with a picture of you in a thought bubble over his head

“y/n, we love you, but we need to be on stage in 2 minutes and he’s still on his phone talking to you. stop.”

so he might have bought your album like 34 times

he didn’t get your photocard

and he was going to get your photocard

sure, he could have just bought the photocard somewhere on ebay

but no, he wanted to get it in the album

he finally does and sends you a snap 

posing with the card 

40 albums in the bg

“finally got yours, babe :) “

he’s too precious

you end up rapping his verse once on tv

he has the video saved on his phone

watches it before bed

and when he wakes up

“renjun, look at this one fancam, i can’t”

“damn”

“huang rENJUN, THAT IS MINE”

jealous jeno? 

jealous jeno

he respects you and knows you’re only his

but he still gets a tiny bit jealous when you interact with other idols

hears a new rookie group member say you’re his idol type

“nOPE, BUDDY, THAT’S MY LINE”

reassuring him that he’s your one and only

you come to his concert

you sit with his 127 and wayv members

you’re expecting a cute family friendly concert

until he starts making dream show

a strip show

doyoung’s just like

“so, my son is grounded now”

johnny just nudges you and smirks

you end up blushing 

like a lot

he has a secret fan account

and so do you but shhh he doesnt know 

ends up liking a tweet on his main account

by accident

and now everyone knows

you tease him

the dreamies tease him

doyoung scolds him

and then teases him

back to him being an mc

you just had a comeback

and he secretly holds your hand behind your backs

but it’s not secretly

because everyone sees

and it’s okay

bc it’s cute af

you end up doing an sm station together

you wrote the song together

about each other

so you spend a lot of time in the studio

messing around

you try and write some lyrics

but get distracted by him playing guitar

you just stare at him

and he gets so shy when he notices

the mv is filled with cute videos of you two

there’s this one scene where he does something very cheesy

and renhyuck end up recreating it

to tease you two

but you don’t care

you’re too whipped for each other 

to sum it up: your most frequent view is his eye smile and you’re not even mad, because you’re just as whipped for him as he is for you

hi, i love jeno 🥺

[jalapeno-princess]

College Boyfriend Mark

* Okay let’s get this shit started I’m excited

* First things first, I think Mark would be the perfect boyfriend and I’m not being biased because he’s the actual love of my life

* But ANYWAYS

* He hates the thought of you walking/catching the bus to school

* If you weren’t living together, he would probably pick you up from your house/dorm/apartment and take you to school/work everyday

* If you did live together, he would be very irresponsible

* Your alarm would go off and he’d probably turn it off completely just so he could cuddle with you longer

* If you were late to class because of him, he’d just shrug it off and give you a knowing look

* “You’re already late babe, might as well just skip the rest of the day”

* This happens a lot because you can’t help but want to spend time with him

* Your attendance is terrible but honestly who attends classes nowadays

* “Next semester, you should sign up for online classes so you can stay home with me and I can kiss you all day”

* He wouldn’t go to bed until you did so if you had to do an all-nighter in order to study/work on assignments he’d stay up with you

* Would carry you to bed if you fell asleep on the couch/table/desk

* Has a calendar of all your schedules so he can help you whenever you need him to

* Makes you flashcards to help you study

* He thinks his handwriting is ugly af but you think it’s so cute

* Gives you a bunch of his jackets and sweatpants to wear because he absolutely loves how his clothes look on you and he knows you don’t care about how you look at school

* Not that you need to

* He thinks you’re the most ethereal, breathtakingly beautiful being that he’s ever laid his eyes on

* Prepares lunch for you because ain’t nobody got time to pay for campus food

* Even if it means instant ramen

* Or straight up rice

* I’m not even joking one time you were starving and went to open the box of lunch he prepared for you

* And your heart kind of sank (and your stomach growled) at the sight of just rice..not even any sauce

* You were kinda confused until you read the post it note

* “Hey baby, I’m sorry about the lack of food. I tried cooking fish but I ended up burning it and then I tried making chicken but it tasted weird. The rice was the only thing that came out right. Here’s some money for you to buy something to go with it. I love you. Have a nice day! (:”

* Your stomach swarms with butterflies just at the thought of him, how much he loves you and how he takes such amazing care of you

* Holds you every time you cry over school

* “It’s okay to cry baby. You’ve got this. It will all be worth it in the end okay? I’m here for you every step of the way.”

* No matter how hard school could get, you were content knowing you had him by your side

* Every time you jokingly said you would drop out, he would frown at you

* He knew you were capable of great things and he refused to let you give up when you’ve worked so hard to get where you are

* Will walk you to and from all your classes

* Some of your classmates would develop a crush on him and you couldn’t blame them I mean

* LOOK @ HIM

* WOW

* AN ACTUAL GOD

* Y’all know that song by NSYNC?

* “God must’ve spent a little more time on you”?

* Well God spent a lot of time making Mark I ain’t even kidding

* okay BACK TO THE STORY

* There were days you would get jealous because of how many pretty girls had their eyes on your boyfriend

* But Mark would remind you almost every day verbally and physically of how much he loved you and how you were it for him

* He also felt the same about you

* He knew guys would look at you

* And when you told him about how one of your classmates asked you on a date he was furious

* That’s also one of the reasons why he gives you his clothes

* And accidentally leaves hickeys along your neck and chest

* He wants the world to know you’re his

* Jackson almost earned himself a black eye for calling you sexy once

* “Mark, I know she’s your girlfriend but she’s my friend too and I can compliment her-“

* “Jackson, I wouldn’t want you calling my girlfriend sexy either..Even if it’s true that y/n is very-“

* “Shut up Jinyoung you’re not helping”

* Mark loves to leave you cute, supportive post it notes all over your room/textbooks/pencil case/lunch box because he knows how much they mean to you and make you happy

* Cares so much about your mental health

* So whenever you have a breakdown, he takes you away from your computer and brings you to bed and holds you

* Sometimes he even brings you to the beach/park/movies to take your mind off of anything school related

* Runs you baths to help you relax and joins you sometimes

* But it always leads to more

* And the two of you end up having to clean up the mess you both made

* Buys you school supplies because he knows how much you love them

* “Mark, you already bought me highlighters.”

* “Yeah, but this one has Pikachu on it.”

* You now have 12 different highlighters

* And you don’t have the heart to tell him you hardly use them

* “You bought a 64 pack of crayons? I’m a college student I don’t use crayons-“

* “Well you’re gonna start doing so come on babe 64 CRAYONS. Look! It even comes with a sharpener!”

* Contacts your mom a lot and lets her know how you’re doing if you don’t have enough time to do so

* If you were away from home for college and you were homesick, he’d stay on the phone with her to learn your favorite recipe because he would do anything to make you happy

* Bought the two of you matching shoes because matching shirts are so overrated

* If either of you is wearing them, the other will wear them regardless of what you both are wearing

* “Babe, I don’t think the red goes with the-“

* Kisses you to shut you up

* “She’s right Mark, who wears red with purple-“

* Jackson isn’t allowed to hang out with the two of you anymore

* He used to buy you coffee but stopped because it keeps you up at night

* So he makes you chamomile tea instead

* Will help you cheat by texting you the answers on your test

* “Oooh, I’m dating a bad girl. Misses out on class to spend time with me and cheats on quizzes. Kinky. This is exciting...Ow babe what was that for?”

* Him ditching his friends at lunch just so he can spend time with you

* This boy can be on the complete opposite side of school yet never fail to meet you on time

* Sneaks in to your lectures and y’all end up sitting in the far back so you can make out

* One time you forgot to tell him that you were gonna study in the library

* Jinyoung found you and accompanied you

* After a couple of hours, you found yourself falling asleep

* You were in such a deep slumber that you didn’t notice Mark was trying to get in touch with you

* Boy was losing his shit

* He was so worried that something bad happened to you

* Jinyoung noticed your phone was going off and he didn’t mean to snoop but he wanted to make sure it wasn’t something important

* He laughed when he saw all the messages from Mark

* And he found it really cute how whipped Mark was for you

* He let your boyfriend know that you were sleeping and Mark had to take a moment to calm his heart down

* You stressed this poor boy out sometimes

* But he loved you more than anything else in this shitty ass world

* Jinyoung would take you home and as soon as Mark saw you, he pulled you in to his chest and held you tightly as if he was going to lose you

* You left soft kisses along his face as an apology

* You also found yourself on your knees with your head between his thighs but WE’LL SAVE THAT FOR ANOTHER TIME

* He would surprise you with plane tickets to your hometown so you could visit your family while on break

* Your mom always reminds you how lucky you are to have found a boyfriend like him

* He would have to kiss away your tears because you were an emotional wreck at the thought of everything he does for you

* Honestly Mark would be the sweetest, fluffiest, most supportive boyfriend

* That boy loves you so much

* Even if he tells you all the time

* You can really feel it in his actions

* The best boyfriend ever

* 10/10 recommended

* We need more Mark Tuans in this world

[lucatorahaven]

vampire au post

4 skype convos haphazardly mixed in from very different times

[29/11/2014 4:27:51 AM] Probably Not Assorted Cheeses: Vampire au

Lucas the incompetent vampire who eats mostly animals

Duster was the one who bit him, only bc duster was literally starving n lucas came at a bad time

idk if duster should be born a vampire or not but Wes is one too and together they taught lucas how to survive.

however eventually they had to leave, they offered for lucas to join them but lucas can’t leave his family behind, the kid’s too sentimental :’(

so together they staged his death (which im too lazy to try n think of)

claus knew bout the vampire thing tho, lucas couldn’t live alone like that. He also ended up biting Boney in an accident so hey vampire dog.

claus grew up and eventually had his own family. Lucas could only really watch from afar but then the kids got his age and it was hard to see him and keep the gig up. He visited his parents funeral anonymously and afterwards him and claus stood there just

“sup” “how’re the kids” “twice your age and with kids of their own” “heh, i always thought you would be the one with kids yano?” 

it was very bittersweet, it felt like they’ve never been apart 

“it never stops feeling strange without you” "I know” 

lucas thinks of that conversation a lot

he started off the "younger uncle" then the "weird neighbourhood kid that visits grandpa claus" and inevitably the "weird kid from nowhere who goes to the cemetary every other month to put flowers on graves older than appears to be"

SO without attachments lucas traveled with boney, hoping that they find duster along the way.

eventually lucas comes back to tazmilly but it’s been a couple hundred years now and it’s completely different so he doesn’t recognize it

n lucas one day is caught outside with no shelter, it’s almost morning so he runs into osohe (which is way outta town so he assumed it was abandoned)

vampires can’t enter homes without being invited in because apparently homes are holy land but osohe is fuckn haunted so that doesn’t apply (adding on to the abandoned theory)

that’s how kumatora and him meet, she finds him exploring osohe all “wtf the fuck who are YOU...this me house”

So she gets an awkward lie explanation from lucas 

n she eventually catches on lucas is a vampire n is just DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE I NEVER MET A VAMPIRE BEFORE FUCKN SWEET

lucas is just UM.;;; IS IT OK IF I STAY

"oh dude it's cool!! but u gotta tell me bout yourself bc i never met a vampire before ok?? i live iN THE PERFECT GOTHIC HOME BUT THERE’S NONE!! but here you are and i’m JACKED i gotta go to work tho so brb but afterwards u gotta tell me about yourself ok CYA"

lucas is still processing everything by the time she leaves, but he’s grateful and figures a conversation is the least he can do to repay her

in this au kumatora’s into cryptology bc her house is FULL of books and it’s a common subject (also the fact her castle is filled with ghosts and there are zombies just across the moat, it’s a p convenient hobby)

when she comes back she’s super excited because he’s still there 

lucas is kinda reserved but he still answers questions bc it’s POLITE

she asks bout p much everything?? “HEY do you need that” “y-yes” “is this true?” “not that i know of” “ok experiment time” “uH;;” “wait am i keeping you up?? it’s still daytime” “no it’s okay” 

after exhausting lucas of all his Vampire Facts kuma invites lucas to live at osohe castle, it’s big enough anyways

lucas is wary af bc he doesn't wanna accidentally get close to someone who 1. has a life span and 2. is technically food

but lucas ends up sticking around anyways, boney really likes it and he lowkey enjoys her company

so they keep chillin n lucas tells her how he hunts animals n how he only takes a bit of blood so they don't die and 

IDK I GO BY THE THEORY THAT VAMPIRES HAVE VENOM bc otherwise their entire food source becomes COMPETITION n they can bite but not?? TURN THEM INTO ANYTHIng so controlled blood flow for feeding purposes

also vampires only need to eat once or twice a month? they die around 6+ months without eating from starvation. It all depends on how quickly the blood cells in their body die basically.

ALSO when they bite you it doesn’t hurt bc their saliva numbs it so (sneaky bites) but it still feels weird as shit

bUT YA SO LUCAS N KUMATORA CHAt a whole bunch...you know that “accidentally get close” thing i mentioned? it happened

(it was kinda hard to avoid when the first companion you have that’s not your dog is informed on vampires and vampire goods, that was convenient)

so they keep hangin out and kumatora unlocks his Tragic Backstory

n sometimes kumatora helps him feed? like they go out together finding animals n storing blood

n lucas is fascinated with how technology has advanced bc he doesn't really?? go into towns anymore but he fuckn LOVES it

n they play video games n general COOL FUNTIMES

kumatora let’s lucas borrow her labtop to occupy himself and he looks for other vampires or hints of them

(this is under the assumption that osohe can get electricity in a modern au while still being ignored / abandoned)

n when kumatora goes to work he cleans up the castle n tries to show how much hE REALLY APPRECIATES HEr

n lIKE i also go by the logic that vampires do not do the stereotypical “turn into ashes at sunlight” it is a slow progression that takes up to 12 hours until absolutely turned to a crisp 

so basically if he covers himself and wears a shit ton of sunscreen he can chill in the middle of the day for like...a hour or two

and bc kumatora's WORTH IT he visits her at work n she's all LucAS WHAT ARe yO U DoING??   

lookin like a modern goth kid......has a huge red burn on his cheek..

he blames it on how pale/blonde he is “my brother is ginger you know”

kuma gets super worried n he's all bruh it cool i have like..2 more hours until i need to go to a hospital   

n kumas jsuT I GET OFF IN 4 HOURS GO HOME

kumatora invites him to movie nights with her friends n shit

people start calling lucas kumatora's goth boyfriend “never call him that when he's around or i'll murder you”

theyre all rather cool with lucas and find his speech kinda funny?

"wow look at those teeny boppers" "GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY GOD I LOVE IT" “???????????????" kumas friends ask for lucas more all WHAT SCHOOL DOES HE GO TO WHERE DOES HE LIVE "oh he's......foreign B)"

eventually it comes up how lucas doesn’t really want to be a vampire anymore and kumatoras just “dude i can help you find a cure” bc maybe her hobby is a bit Excessive but live your dreams

but ya lucas is just?? constantly wants to visit kumatora n loves her night shifts!! visits all the time they go on hikes a lot n jusT? GETS SO FUCKIGN ATTACHED IT SCARES HIM CONSTANTLY

they sometimes fall asleep on the couch together n when he's all "wow shes so cute.." he realizes how fucking Deep he’s in this and he’s FUCKED

he tries to distance himself but he Can’t Fucking Do It (just like w/ his fam)

whenever he tries to push her away she looks so upset it kills him 

N HE'S IN SUCH A STRUGGLE BC HE'S JUST

SO HAPPY TO BE AROUND HER??????

N LIKE WHEN THEY CUDDLE N STUFF HE'S JUST SO OVERWHELMED BC oh my god heartbeats!! oh my god she's gonna die before me

n lucas really fucking feels the severity of how FUCKED he is when its her birthday n hes just

yes she's gonna age and he's gonna outlive her n they could never realistically be happy even if by some offhand chance she even RETURNS the feelings

N HE HAS TO HIDE HIS CRYING N STUFF BUT KUMATORA HAS  A 6TH FUCKN SENSE FOR DISTRESSED LUCAS SO SHE'S ALL bruh :( whats up

so he opens up to her about his feelings and anxiety and she hugs him through it, it’s kind of a shitty way to confess 

“idk if i can forgive you for deciding that i’m gonna die before you” “are you threatening murder” “that and no way death’s gonna get me, i’m pretty stubborn”

a lil while passes

“you know... i’m okay with becoming a vampire” lucas refuses bc dude.. you can’t even comprehend the weight of immortality.. what if she regrets it 

“to hell if i make my closest friend suffer because of a life span” “hah i guess that’s the same for me”

they drop the vampire topic for the time being and move on to other ones such as... mutual feelings :^)

they’re both romantically inclined i mean... lucas spent 300+ years being a hermit and kumatora had other things to do

so they take it slow, it’s p much the same as before except.. hey...now when i think “man i wanna hold their hand” i CAN

it'd also be really sad and/or cute if the ghosts in the castle some of them were lucas's family which might be why boney likes it so much but also imagine them kissin on the couch "kuma ghosts r there" "EH THEYRE JUst ghosts" ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) claus looks into the camera "after so long... finally my little brother gets some action :')"

but idk if that’s a thing bc it feels kinda weird i feel like kissin n shit wouldn't b very often bc as much as they both loVE IT 

IT'S NOT THAT GREAT FOR A VAMPIRE

YANO.... HEARTS R BEATING... NECK IS RIGHT THERE (lucas still adores it tho)

so back to the topic of Mortality

kuma gets attacked in an alley on the way home from work

n lucas finds her bc they were gonna meet up but he smelt the blood and when he does find her he just goes FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK n didn't know how to save her 

also thinking rationally is hard when OH LOOK AT ALL THAT BLOOD AHhaHA

SO HE BITES HER

he carries her body home n he spends the whole waiting process between DEAD and VAMPIRE crying just "hoyl shti please work please work" “what did i fucking dooooo” “what if i was earlier” “what if i was too late” so many anxieties

kuma wakes up and lucas transistions from panic to HAPPY PANIC OH THANK GOD

she’s really out of it bc of the process and he’s crying apologies “it’s okay you saved me” but he’s still crying, they cuddle for comfort

"hey atleast we did it NOW when i'm a hot sexy 19 yr old and not a wrinkly old lady” “kuma” “i’m tryna make light of the conversation”

so now that kumatora’s a vampire she only works night shifts until she eventually quits. They moved to a new town / whatever so it was easy to avoid having to meet someone in the daytime. facebook helped keep in touch with her friends while still letting the friendship die out.

it took kumatora a bit to get used to being a vampire. she threw up a lot at first and she didn’t like having to drink blood but she did eventually get used to it

idk if they find a cure bc idk what the cure would BE but they eventually find other vampires :^) they continued lucas’s search for duster and probably found him tbh

[treasure-my-aurora]

One More Night. Pt 12

Pairing: Kim Hongjoong / fem!Reader

Chapter: 12/14

Genre: Mutual pining, canon compliant, fluffy af, angsty af, suggestive, teasing and filled with that good shit that everyone loves

Words in this chapter: 5591

12th of August and I was alone, “I’m still a bit disappointed that you didn’t warn me” I could hear that he pouted, the wind blew gently through the phone line on his side, and I sighed, missing him where I sat on my own in the empty space of my hotel room, still Australia, just half an hour away, so near but still so far away from him, “You know I couldn’t do that for you” I said with a sad sigh, “The directors had forbidden us to say anything because they wanted your reactions to be genuine” I heard him scoff on the other end, a bit distant as he walked through the backyard of the house they lived in the following two nights, “I guess… but I still don’t understand why you couldn’t come with us” He trailed off, muttering and I chewed the inside of my cheek, falling back on the pillows in my bed, “They didn’t want you to be distracted from doing the mission you’re assigned… and they need me more in LA, with KCON and your final mission in Grand Park…” I said and he hummed, muttered and cursed the production team for separating us and I knew that he’d accepted, but wasn’t happy with my answer, “I miss you” He sighed, and I smiled, feeling my heart aching to touch him. “I miss you too, love” I said, and he exhaled a small laugh, “The love of your life?” He asked and I knew that he was teasing but couldn’t help but agree, “The love of my life” “I’d like that” He chuckled, gently and with a voice soft from affection and I swallowed hard, teeth clenched as I unhappily pursed my lips, missing him even more when he spoke in that tone that made me feel so special, “How is it where you are? Is it a nice place?” I asked while combing my fingers through my hair, looking out through the window from where I laid, at the same moon that he was probably watching as well. “It’s nice, I’m rooming with Youngie for a chance. It’s just one bed but we’ll fit” “Wow, that’s someone I never expected to be jealous of” I said, joking of course and he snorted before he chuckled lightly at my words, “There’s a pool, a trampoline, a big kitchen and a living room, it’s spacious, modern…” He trailed off again and I frowned. “What’s on your mind?” I asked and I could almost hear him swallow deep on the other end, “Hyung talked to me just earlier, after dinner. When the cameras shut down momentarily and we’d cleared the table. He knows about us, recognized the change of air, just like you’ve warned me about for months and asked, ‘Do you ever regret it? Regret this life?’ and I got scared, of course” I nodded and hummed in response, the frown still on my face, “So I asked if he felt like quitting, if the pain he’d been feeling lately was getting too much but he shook his head with a smile, and said that he asked for me, for my sake. If I regretted that I chose to be an idol since I’d found love and wasn’t allowed to act upon it, at least not in the way we both wished and… I dunno, it got me daydreaming. About living in a big house like this one, with several small rooms and a big pool, about a large living room and a big table and I…” He sighed, swallowed deep again, “I want that, with you… in the future” I chewed on my lower lip, my soul sang with happiness, and I paused, a deep longing that I’d never experienced exploding in my stomach, making my heart jump and picking up in speed as I thought about his words. Closed my eyes and imagined a big house myself, maybe in the outskirts of Seoul, living like my friends did, with a family of my own. Children with my hair colour and Hongjoong’s eyes, his cute little nose or the curve of my lips. Tiny copies with the same passion for creation as we had, maybe one with his talent for music and another with my work ethic and I felt tears flowing over in my eyes faster than I could comprehend. “Sorry, it’s a silly thought. I shouldn’t hav-” He started, and I could hear how flustered he’d become. “No, I… I’d like that” I interrupted, my voice cracked, and I took a controlled breath. “Oh no, I didn’t mean for you to cry, babe” He said with a gentle voice and I dried my eyes, before I swallowed down the heavy feeling in my throat, clearing it with a small cough and swallowed hard again. “I love you” I said, and he chuckled again, and I closed my eyes as I smiled, feeling the sound of it resonating with every piece of my being, “I love you too… the love of my life” - The flight to LA was bothersome, lonely and I sighed deeply when I put a sleeping mask over my eyes after I’d turned up my nose and not wanting to eat when it was served. Not in the mood for food at all and encouraged Eunji to have it instead. She’d told me the other day that she was pregnant, just passing week fifteen and I congratulated her, of course, surprised that I knew so little about her, not even aware that she had someone to come home to at the end of the day. She offered me a snack bar several hours later as a thanks for my meal, but I kindly declined it. Call me silly, but I didn’t feel whole when I sat there on my own, and the feeling both terrified me and filled my heart with an aching longing, an uncomfortable but familiar, indisputable feeling of the loss I recognized from the time I’ve spent away from the ones I love. I’d always considered myself independent, proudly exclaiming that ‘my work is my life and I don't need any man to force me to become a housewife’ every time my grandparents reminded me that I should find a husband soon. But I wasn’t independent now, I was lonely. I wasn’t hungry even though I hadn’t had a proper meal since that morning, more than ten hours ago. I wasn’t even tired. Awake for half the time spent under the sleeping mask, just thinking instead of actually sleeping. It wasn’t surprising, even though I dreaded that deep-rooted feeling that resonated in the debts of my heart. I was so rarely alone anymore, spending every minute of my life for the past months thinking, feeling and breathing Hongjoong and nothing else. The need for him as vital as air nowadays and I think that it was the thought of that, the sort of realization, that scared me the most. I shuddered from the cold that crept up on me, clasped my hands in my lap and leaned against the wall of the plane, listening to the music the boys had made, smiling softly for myself every time I heard the familiar voice of a rapper, missing him more than I ever thought I could miss another person. - The 14th, 07:00 and I could breathe again. Hongjoong’s bag at his feet, his arms around my body and his nose nuzzled in my hair, holding me tight. Like he never, ever wanted us to be as far apart again, half a world between us for the past two days and even though he was tired, still drunk with sleep and with the jet lag like a thick blanket over his mind, he still wanted to see me before he did anything else. We were alone and I wanted nothing more than just pull him into my hotel room, undress him and just lose ourselves in the immense and reckless need we craved. But there wasn’t any time, we barely had time to even stand there in each other's arms. Hongjoong quickly looked either side of the so far empty corridor before he cupped my face and planted his lips on mine, delicately and with a hushed whiny moan escaping his throat as I buried my fingers in his hair, tugged on the longer strands in the back and flushed my body against his as his tongue flicked out to taste my lips. We got interrupted, just as I was flicking out my tongue to meet his, a door a bit further down opened and then slammed shut and I quickly took a step back, breaking the kiss in the process and clenched my teeth when the staff member gave us a curious look as they passed. Hongjoong still leaned against the door frame of my open door and send them a look back, one eyebrow raised, and his head slightly tilted like he challenged them to keep their mouths shut about the gossip they probably still were going to spread about us. They entered an elevator at the far end of the corridor, and I sighed, meeting Hongjoong’s eyes from underneath his fringe as he turned back to me, my frown turned into a smile when I met his amused expression. Couldn’t help myself from reaching out and combed the hair back, out of his eyes. He leaned into my touch, took my hand in his and pressed a sweet kiss on my wrist, my pulse picking up against the softness of them. - LA, the 17th and I held my breath when I fixed Hongjoong’s bowtie, biting my lip and avoided his gaze until I was finished. He smirked, knowingly and I sighed, clenched my jaw and let my fingers linger on his neck. He looked amazing, so gorgeous it was almost unreal. The slick back faded red hair, almost a purple hue in it now, matching the red in his velvet suit and I wet my lips before I finally met his eyes. Lenses clouding the natural brown in them and he raised his brows, as if he still was surprised by my need for him. .. Ten minutes later and we’re pressed against each other in a small dressing room a few doors away from the others. His tongue in my mouth, my hands in his pants and his hands in my hair, tugging on it to get closer to me. His hushed moans against the nape of my neck when I jerked him of, fast and hard, slipping my thumb into the slit of the head and his motions as he pressed me down on my knees with both hands on my shoulders, impatient and hungry for release and I comply without question, knowing that he’ll gladly repay me ten folds when we’re alone later. Him biting down on his knuckle when my lips closed around his stiff cock, already leaking with pre-cum, enticed from our endless teasing throughout the day. Every small touch, every look, every comment, all leading up to this moment as I bob my head, hollowed my cheeks and sucked hard, letting him hit the back of my throat and choked slightly as I took too much too fast, so excited to please that tears formed in my eyes. His fingers comb through my hair, holding it back out of my face as I looked up on him, meeting the blueish grey gaze of his. He cursed, whispering sweet words, “You’re doing so good, babe. Taking everything at once” and, “Fuck baby girl, you look so beautiful like this, putting those pretty pink lips to work” and, “God, I wanna fuck you so much right now. Let me fuck you, please?” My heart hammered hard at the urgent request and I let him fall out of my mouth again, suddenly appreciative of the still hot outside and my light clothes as I stood up again, without a word and Hongjoong’s mouth fell open when I turned around, leaned over the make-up table in front of me and pressed my ass towards his cock, a low needy gasp escaping his lips when his hands roamed underneath my skirt, stroking over the swell of my ass before he clenched my thighs hard, eager and demanding in his desire to claim me, separating them with slick fingers and I held back a loud moan as he moved my panties to the side, pressed the head of his cock against my entrance, paused and met my eyes in the mirror in front of us. I nodded, gulping before I licked my lips suddenly dry lips and watched as his expression changed when he entered me, keeping eye contact the entire time. A whole sentence of curses left his lips as his head fell when he bottomed out and he rested his forehead against my shoulder blade for a few seconds, warm panting gasps against the spot before he pressed a kiss there and I leaned forward before I pressed back against him again, riding his cock to urge him to move. “So amazing babe, feel so good… I…” He trailed his fingers against my neck, the first few thrusts agonizingly slow and I thrusted back against him, greedy for the friction I craved and he seemed to notice it to, the sweet touches turned dominant in a heartbeat as his fingers trailed up the back of my head where he took a handful of hair and pulled, hard. My head snapped back in the motion and I gasped in surprise, as he began pounding into me, and I had to take a hard grip on the edge of the table to make sure that the sound of thrusting against the wall wouldn’t be noticeable. Biting hard into the bottom of my lip to suppress a yelp as he placed kisses and nibbles along my throat, and clenched my jaw, desperate to not let a sound escape, “Look at us, look at you” He said, admiration in his voice as he met my eyes in the mirror again. My boobs bouncing with every movement and his other hand came up to cup his hand over the left one, kneaded it hard before he played with the nipple underneath my clothes and my head fell back on his shoulder as he let go of my hair to place that hand over my throat instead, his chest pressed against my back and I arched my back to meet his every thrust, panting out gasp after gasp as he got closer and closer. It didn’t take much, just a few more thrusts and he gave me a quick glance to get my approval, and I bit my lip while nodding once just before he fell over the edge, twitching as he came inside of me. I didn’t care that I was nowhere near finishing, just clenched around him to prolong his orgasm, milking him dry inside of me. Some cum trailed down my legs as he pulled out and he gave me a quick sweet kiss before handling me some tissue paper to clean myself up as well as I could before we exited the room, innocent looks on our faces and I spend the rest of the evening, between the screams of Atiny and conversations with the staff, getting more and more wet when Hongjoong’s cum slowly dripped out of me. .. Five hours later, in his hotel room after sharing a shower and he’s flat on his stomach with his head between my legs, eating me out agonizingly slowly. My fingers played with his hair, showering him with compliments as he came up for air for the fourth time. He placed sweet kisses on the insides of my thighs, watching me as I choked on a gasp when two fingers entered me, tickling that sweet spot that made me writhe. “Are you close?” He asked, as if I hadn’t cum twice already, his chin still wet and he licked his lips, swallowing hard as I nodded, feeling that familiar fire flare up again as he pressed his tongue flat on my clit again, licking up my juices like it’s the best thing he’d ever tasted and I gasped out a breathless moan as he pushed me over the edge for the third time that evening. - “It’s raining and all I can think about is you” Hongjoong’s voice was soft through the phone line and I giggled at his words, “I remind you of the rain?” I asked and he paused for a few seconds, “No… it’s the feeling I have in my heart when I’m without you. I was trying to be romantic, ok?” He whined and I chuckled at his cute attempt, knowing but not admitting that he'd succeeded completely. “But I left you off at the dorm literally three hours ago” I said, and he sighed at the other end and muttered "Still miss you though” with a pout on his lips. It had been two busy weeks, coming back home from both Australia and the US to immediately going to the “Soribada awards” The rush when the boys actually won an award for best performance, K-world Festa right afterwards and now, finally, having a day off to get back on our feet. We’d arrived that morning and it was just before 10:00 when he called me to complain about how bored he was. I was seated in my sofa, watching how the rain splattered hard against my living room window while I wrapped the blanket I had thrown over my shoulders tighter around my body, shivering and missing his warmth against mine, my TV on and though voices came through, I wasn’t focused on listening and kept it on more like a white noise in the background. “What are you doing today?” He wondered, with a voice that begged me to be free, to make time for him and I restlessly combed my fingers through my hair, “Nothing really. There’s a movie on the TV but I’m unsure what it’s about still, we’ll see if I’ll find something to do later” “Can you come over? I’d come to you but… you know… I don’t have a driver's licence and my manager doesn't want us to go out today” He asked, and I looked out the window again, debating whether or not it was worth getting completely drenched. “As soon as the rain will calm down” I promised and could hear how he smiled happily at the other end of the line. .. Two hours later and I’d collected the lunch I just made into equally big boxes, before putting them in bags and walked down to my car. It had stopped raining and the sun had come out, the warm beams quickly dried up the puddles and send a nice, earthy smell into the air. The ten-minute ride went quickly, without much traffic and I unlocked the boys’ dorm with a smile on my face. Four of the members; Mingi, Wooyoung, San and Jongho flocked around me immediately, already greeting me as I walked through the front door, immediately noticing the delicious smell that spread through the room from the bags I’d placed on the floor while taking off my shoes. “You brought food?” Wooyoung exclaimed happily and I nodded while hanging my coat. “Homemade? Did you make this noona?” Seonghwa had joined and helped unloading the bags in the kitchen and Yeosang was quick to follow, the drone he’d been flying out of his room crash landed on Yunho’s head as the latter walked straight into its trajectory. I held back a laugh when Yunho caught it before it hit the ground and he gave his younger bro a look, like he was trying to scold him for being reckless but simply couldn’t because it was Yeosang and he already looked mortified of what had happened. I blushed as I followed the boys into the living room, “Yeah, I hope you like it” I said and was quickly attacked as they sandwiched me between them in a group hug, appreciative of my caring side since they very, very rarely had a home cooked meal nowadays. Most of the members didn’t even know how to cook and the ones that could, didn’t have the time that was needed, preferring to place it on things they actually enjoyed doing instead. “Hello” A familiar body pressed up on mine as soon as the members had dissolved around me, sat down, distributed the food and immediately dug in, humming with enjoyment, “Hi” I returned the hug, inhaling the scent of him as he held me close, I could see that Seonghwa watched us in my peripheral, just above Hongjoong’s shoulder, a sad smile on his lips as he paused for only a few seconds between the bites of food. I knew what he was thinking, recognizing that look in his eyes by now and tried not to think about the pain of it as Hongjoong cupped my face and pressed his lips on mine in a sweet kiss. More of the members watched as we parted, wearing similar sad smiles, and I sighed, happy but frustrated that it had to be like this. That we had to hide. “This is some good food; she certainly is wife material. That’s for sure” Wooyoung said, with his mouth full and we laughed, the atmosphere changed into a carefree, happy one and I blushed slightly, avoiding Hongjoong’s eyes as he watched me, the warmth I knew was there still showered my entire being. - “Do you remember back in the beginning of March? We were in LA; I think it was the day after I made my first move on you?” Hongjoong asked. It was a few days later and we laid on their balcony, pillows under our heads as we watched the clouds in the sky, dressed for the still warm weather outside. “Yeah?” I frowned thoughtfully, “I… still regret saying the things I said back then. I was jealous. Of San. Of the attention you gave him when I did you wrong. Of our situation and the fact that I knew how much you craved me as well. I thought you were silly when you rejected my request of just hooking up, realizing much later that you were right to be careful. I wish I’d just come clean with how I felt around that time, that it wasn’t just attraction I felt for you. It could’ve saved me from many sleepless nights” I turned to look at him, surprised, but he refused to meet my eyes, embarrassment flushed his cheeks, “I was afraid that you’d turn me down because of how I acted. I knew back then just as much as right now, how love feels, how much I desired you. Not just your appearance and how you make me feel, but the way that I… need you. Almost like oxygen. Your presence both when you’re with me and the way you linger in my thoughts when you’re not, your opinions, your small smile when I look at you, the way my body fizzles like champagne whenever you touch me, how my blood boils when I think about you and the things I want to do with you. Nothing has changed, I was just scared of admitting it back then. I’m still scared of admitting it, scared that they’ll take you away from me if I ever say it too loudly. Scared that you will leave because you’ll find someone closer to your own age, someone that give you all their time, someone more mature, someone you can settle down with and have the family life I know that you want… and I… I’m scared that I need you more than you need me” He wet his lips, cheeks flushing from the big, heavy words, swallowed deep and my heart hammered as I watched him, the pulsating feeling of tender endearment between us made me nervous, restless and forced me to sit back up. Hongjoong looked up at me, sorrow and fright that I’d just stand up and leave shadowed his eyes, but I didn’t do as he’d expected, I just leaned back against the wall of the building, the stony surface was hot from the warming sun. “I felt the same back then, the way you describe. I feel the same right now. It scares me as well. I don’t want you to get punished for being with me. Even if we’ve been careful, I’m still scared. I wish things were different, I wish I could kiss you and hold your hand whenever I want. I wish we could go on a date once in a while, in nice clothes and not hiding with face masks, caps and oversized clothes just after darkness falls… But it’s ok, because I love you and I don’t need all of those things, I just need you to love me, to want the same things as me. I want a family with you in the future, not anyone else. Even if I have to wait over a decade before it happens” He averted my eyes again, a small smile on his lips and I chewed on the inside of my cheek, “I’ve always felt like you’re the one that doesn’t need me, though. I’m disposable, you’re the idol. I could get fired tomorrow and the next person can just literally pick up where I left off. Your entire stage wardrobe for the next concept is finished, I have a whole storage with clothes, catalogued in order for interviews, fan signings and showcases that will last until Christmas and I finished mending the last piece of accessory three days ago...” “Babe…” He interrupted in a murmur, like a warning. But I didn’t listen, “No, really. You’re set for the next following months and I-” “Babe!” He suddenly said, not loud to rouse suspicion but enough to startle me as he sat up as well and ripped the sunglasses off his face to make proper eye contact with me, “I’m not scared of losing my stylist. I’m scared of losing you, the love of my life. I’m scared that they’ll force you off the company and create some kind of restraining order that’ll keep me from seeing you” His face was flushed with an angry red and I swallowed, realizing what he was talking about and felt my heart sink to the bottom off my stomach, sorrow and helplessness picking at it like sharp needles, “I’m sorry” I said, and his face immediately soften while he shook his head, “No, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to be rude… I just…” He shrugged and I took his hand in mine, squeezed it and pulled him towards me, “You’re everything to me. You, the members, my music, my family back home, atiny of course, it’s all connected in a big circle of what I need in life and you’re at the epicentre of it all. You have my heart; I don’t think I’d survive an entire day if you wouldn’t be there with me” My bows furrowed as I reached out for him, squeezing his hand in mine. “I’m not joking” He said, eyes so sincere that my heart flipped in my chest, “Whenever we’re together, I feel at home” - The two weeks that followed was filled with new choreo, finishing up the mixing on the new album and preparing for the comeback in early October. I rarely saw them, too busy with my own part in the comeback that soon enough it was the 14th of September and the time for a change of style had arrived. The same hairstylist who’d done Hongjoong’s red hair had him sit in a stool as I brainstormed ideas with her. Explaining the concept and how I imagined his look to be. She nodded, thought for a while, and Hongjoong watched us. Half worried and half intrigued. I gave him a bright smile, persuading him without effort to trust me and he returned the smile with a sigh, wet his lips and clasped his hand when the stylist tugged on his fringe, "How do you feel about an undercut? And a change of colour?" She asked and he bit his tongue, a bit unsure. I placed my hand on his shoulder, my fingers briefly brushed over the hair in his neck, and he met my eyes in the mirror, a gulp made his Adam's apple bob and the stylist glanced at the motion before she looked away again, as if she quickly realized she witnessed something she shouldn't have seen. "Like a military cut hairstyle?" I asked and she shrugged and nodded, "I think it would fit well with what you've told me" I nodded as well, a bit thoughtful but trusting her professional judgement, smiled and met Hongjoongs eyes again, "What do you think Joongie?" He pursed his lips at my question and turned around in the chair, "Are you sure, b-" He coughed, nearly calling me 'babe' in front of my distant co-worker, his gaze flicked as he scratched his neck, "Because I trust you with everything I got. You know that, right? I need you to be sure" "I know, I'm sure" I said and the hairstylist looked away from us, her cheeks a faint rosy colour and I wondered what went through her head as she turned on her heel to fix the bleach that would take away the familiar red I'd loved for months. - It was the 18th, a few hours after the new comeback photos released and we walked hand in hand down the Han River in a secluded park, almost a mile from the main buzz in the big town. Hongjoong with a cap over his eyes and a mask over the rest of his face. Dressed in a tee and a light jacket, his usual black slacks and regular sneakers. It was risky, walking like we did in the open, but we’d checked, and double checked to make sure that no one had followed us. It was a sunny, beautiful day and we’d been chatting about music, about fashion, laughing and enjoying our time together, knowing that we wouldn’t be able to spend so much time with each other, not in the same way at least, after their comeback in just over two weeks. The mood surrounding us was light and bright, and I felt like nothing at all could disrupt the feeling between us. I had everything I wanted, right there, in my hand, walking beside me and though it was tough, needing to hide all the time and not being able to shower him with affection I felt for him at any given moment, there was a time and place for everything. Our feelings were great, the sex was great, everything was great, but I still felt a feeling of fear, like I’d done since we first slept together. A sick, retching part of my being that tried to persuade me that everything was going to go to hell. “What are you thinking about?” He asked with a worried sigh, stopping under a tree, the leaves were still a light yellow, but you could see that autumn was coming, give it just a month and the same leaves would be a bright brown instead. He grabbed my other hand in his as well and squeezed softly, encouraged me to speak, “I just have a bad feeling” I said and bit my lip, looking around us with an anxious gaze as he sighed, “And you’ll always have, it’s inevitable, for as long as we’re together” He placed his hand on my cheek instead and I tried to turn him down, to not make it look like we were an actual couple. But I couldn’t. Of course, I couldn’t. I could only sigh as he took a step forward, gave me a small smile and pulled down the mask to let it rest over his chin before he pressed his soft lips onto mine. - “Are those flowers?” I asked, dressed in sweatpants and an old tee. It was evening, the 22th and I was not expecting a visitor at all, but didn’t mind the company as Hongjoong chuckled sweetly behind a bouquet of roses, “Yeah, last time I checked at least” He answered, a teasing twinkle in his eyes from the obvious answer and I blushed slightly while looking away, taking a step to the side to invite him in, “... Why?” I asked and squinted at him thoughtfully, but he only shrugged as he helped me take down a vase from the top of my kitchen cabinets. “I wanted to give you flowers, that’s what you do when you love someone, right?” He said and gave me a smile while I placed the flowers in water. “Thank you, they’re beautiful” My stomach did somersaults at the sweet action and I felt a warmth spread in my chest as he embraced me, after removing the cap on his head. He wore a dress shirt tucked into his jeans, a light jacket which was longer in the sleeves, giving him sweater paws as he pressed his hands against my back in the long hug. “You’re beautiful” He whispered into the nape of my neck and I swallowed hard at his words, my brows furrowed as the familiar strained feeling of sadness rippled through me.

[paladxns]

* ☆ ◞ KANG YEOSANG. CISMALE. HE/HIM. ◟ wait, wasn’t that THEODORE ‘THEO’ CHOI? they’re a TWENTY year old JUNIOR, hailing from SAN DIEGO, CA. i heard they’ve chosen to study VETERINARY SCIENCE while living at CORAL TOWER ( UNIT 415; ROOM B ). word around campus is that they’re LAID BACK & WELCOMING but also quite PASSIVE & UNRELIABLE. if you happen to see them walking to class with their earbuds in, they’re probably listening to BREEZEBLOCKS by ALT J. 

HEY WASSUP GANG ! 

didn’t take me long to get a second character did it ?? gee what a surprise 

anyways he is very different from hana so !!!! i’m v excited to play him tbh BUT — TW:  there are drug references* and parental death** mention 

H I S T O R Y 

he is from san diego !! a cute lil neighbourhood where ppl kind of knew everyone ?? so everyone knew when his (tw** )mom died from a heart attack when he was only fourteen 

it SHOOK the choi household — it was so sudden and it was very traumatic and theo really struggled a lot with it since he was there when it happened

he’s the oldest of three boys, the 2nd oldest being 16 ( 10 when she died ) and the youngest being 12 ( 6 ) so he really tried to step up when they lost their mom and helped his dad a lot but tbh it was super stressful bc his dad just wanted him to focus on school and ??? theo was like wtf i’d rather be there for my brothers but now he’s older he kind of sees his dad’s point

he got pretty depressed and ?? honestly just took a turn for a worst

they weren’t the most wealthy of families, and then with her death it caused quite a bit of financial struggle and so theo got into selling (tw:*)drugs when he was about fifteen which ... his dad did NOT like but at least they were paying their bills on time

he had a super rough patch between 15 - 18 where he wouldn’t be heard from for hours or days and he’d stumble back home on the worst comedown or hangover imaginable 

like boy did alllllll kinds of stupid it’s a surprise he survived tbh

he’d never let his brothers see him that way but he does regret that it got as bad as it did and his dad knew but he couldn’t really intervene in anyway and it’s not like theo would listen either

still, even tho he spent most of his nights getting messed up, he DID work hard at school and got a scholarship to nyu where he’s doing veterinary science bc ya boiiiii loves animals and tbh his mom always knew he wanted to be one since he was a kid so even if he grew out of that dream he was always gonna pursue it bc of his mom and he feels like he can make her proud

tbh that’s all u need to know background wise so 

P E R S O N A L I T Y 

very ?? loving tbh he has so much love and affection and he’s ready to hand it out to whoever wants it — genuinely loves physical contact too he will 100% be trying to hold your hand or lay in your lap whenever he can... he needs to learn not EVERYONE is ok with this tho

is kind of a hermit sometimes but more in the sense he can spend days alone in his room without any human interaction and be fine ??? like won’t even realise he’s done it but he's ALWAYS down for hanging out with people and socialising tbh he’s happy either way

he’s very good at hiding his depression, like you’d really never expect it from him he’s so smiley and has a super warm aura — definitely the type to try and fix everyone else in hopes it’ll fix him but some days if he is feeling especially low, he’ll shrug it off as being tired and just isolate himself in his room

he’s stoned A LOT, like expect 99.9% of interactions with him he’s probably blazed tbh — he definitely uses it as a coping mechanism for his depression. the only time he’s not high would be if he knows he’s doing something surgical or super important for class

a very go with the flow kind of guy and doesn’t really like pressure being put on him, ya boi doesn’t like S T R E S S and will just rather see how things go than worry about what could happen

the type to make best friends super easy but ?? doesn’t really put too much effort into relationships he’s quite bad

a proper peace keeper, if there’s any kind of conflict he’s in the middle trying to diffuse it and make everyone happy 

kind of a pushover but more bc he just doesn’t really care about anything and he definitely thinks life is pointless and nothing matters so ?? 

random facts // hcs

a pro joint roller — super quick, super neat, but can also make fun, creative ones to smoke too

skateboards around campus, usually bc he’s slept in late and needs to get to class quickly

pansexual af 

he gets panic attacks sometimes and if anyone sees he’s super embarrassed about it tbh but sometimes he gets flashbacks of his mom dying so :| 

speaks english, korean, and knows a lil bit of spanish

finds painting nails SUPER therapeutic so catch him with randomly coloured nails any day of the week 

is in the photography club !! and also the earth matters club 

he’s a neat freak !!!!! everything must be organised and clean or he can’t FOCUS 

definitely a bit of a ho .... he’d sleep with anyone and does tbh 

loves naps and sleeping in general

ok thatsss it !! i dont really have many specific wcs other than ? hookups and smoking buddies...... so ? maybe someone who lets him paint their nails, he’d LUV that but yes i’m down for brainstorming so click the heart for plots !! i’ll come 2 u but maybe tomorrow as i gotta sleep but maybe tonight too bc... i’m a mess

[caticornsrreal]

Fighting Dragons with You

After twelve years, I'm finally telling the internet why I love Taylor Swift🖤 

Hello, internet using world. I’d like to introduce myself to the few people who followed me. Hi! My name is Christa and I am a Taylor Swift fan with every fiber of my being. Full disclosure, this is a short novel so now is your chance to make an exit, but I hope you stay.

Taylor and my ridiculously furry cat, Lyle

(affectionately nicknamed “rent-free”), are the only two beings made of flesh and bone who have been consistent in my life for the last 12 years. With a close second being my son, Gauge, who just turned 10. I won’t get into the details (in this post) as to why that is, but let’s just say there were a lot of ups and downs growing up.

The last 12 years have been an evolution for Taylor,

and subsequently, for me. At (dare I say it) 

38 years old, I’ve found that a lot of things happen in a decade. Like, A LOT. Now, I don’t feel 38. I guess I owe that to humor, singing, dancing, sarcasm, and launching a successful career that didn’t exist 15 years ago —something that has made me always push harder to set new goals and stay humble. But one thing I didn’t do over these last 12 years that I deeply regret was starting a fan page for Taylor. I mean, ESPECIALLY since I’m a professional travel blogger who makes her full time living from digital content!

There’s been a lot of momentum over the last 12 years

—demands which left me with little to no free time. But I can’t blame my absence from the Swiftie family entirely on that. In fact, I’d have to say, I blame much of it on fear.

Fear,

of being misunderstood, fear of judgment or writing something lame. I’ve had over 2,000 articles published online and in print as well as countless social posts, but the thought of Taylor seeing something I wrote and thinking it’s totally weird (or cough, too long for the internet), well let’s just say I’d be less afraid of walking into a burning building.

Fear,

of being called a fake because the financial demands as a single mom left me little money to spend on myself or Taylor merchandise, much less tickets to a show. I’ve always placed my son’s needs before mine.

Fear,

that I was too old to be a Taylor Swift fan. I mean, I was 26 when she hit the music scene and she was what, 16? I’ve been afraid. Afraid I would be rejected by other Swifties who really are the only people who understand this love we have for her  —which is basically like being rejected by your own people. Also, it’s super weird to be following teens/young adults on social, much less engaging with them.

Fear.

Along with my fear, a perfect storm of entrepreneurial demands, single motherhood, failed relationships (one of which was a marriage), and family matters have served as a constant reminder that my dream of ever meeting Taylor takes residence on another planet. An actual trip to Mars seemed more attainable. 

I feel like there is a whole demographic of women, “Swiftie Moms” who echo my story,

having watched Taylor grow into the strong beautiful woman she's become. Women my age who love her from behind the wheel of their SUV, on the way to drop their kids off to school, on the way back from a milk run, in the dark hours of the mornings when they’re dancing in the kitchen with a full on hair bun singing into a coffee spoon. Unnoticed fans who haven’t had the time to dive head first into the Swiftie Universe. But here I am. After all the fear and all the years...

So, why?

This is a hard one to answer. I guess you can say that after many years of challenges, judgment from others, and doing the complete opposite of what logic and reason said I should  —divorce, single motherhood, a second degree in my late twenties... risking it all to start a blog (which by the way in 2013 wasn’t even considered a side job much less a career), I kind of got to a point where I became

fearless.

I had to be. I had this tiny living, breathing human being who was counting on me at the very least, to give him a life a notch above the shit show I had growing up. Not to mention parenting —which is basically wandless wizardry pulled directly from the asses of parents. It demands that your mini human grows up to be a better human than you.

Yeah, unpack that.

Take all your collective shit, figure it out, and then teach your mini to do it better —to BE better than you at love, kindness, respect for others (especially boys respecting girls), integrity, money, and to be fearless. All while giving them the comfort of knowing that you, mom, have it all figured out... even when that couldn't be farther from the truth.

Top that with the pressures of working in the public eye

—which, while on a microscopic level compared to a full-on celebrity such as Taylor, is still very much a juggling act with none of the entourage to lighten the workload. Add to it the demands of working with national brands, and the unwavering ability for other bloggers to tear you down at any opportunity, or even worse, try to get close to you so they can raid your success like a Black Friday sale.

I found myself at the peak of my blogging career

but I was consumed by fear, AGAIN! Fear of shady AF bloggers and publicists, and so much to lose. And fear that now, thousands of people would have an opinion of me formed by jealous bloggers, and they didn’t even know who I really was. 

That’s when letting go of toxic people in my life became essential

—when, no matter who they were, or how I was tied to them, I had to realize that surrounding myself with the ones who lifted me took precedence over the ones who dragged me down. 

After all that..... I learned to give zero f***s about what people thought, or what they said behind my back. 

And I had to start caring about what made my heart happy, what made my family and friends smile, and what inspired me to do better. BE BETTER. Be the example of fearless, with the hope that I was lucky enough to stay that way. But I'm a vulnerable human made of heart and soul and sometimes people can still take the best from me.

I had to be fearless.

In August of 2017 when "Look What You Made Me Do” blessed my ears for the first time, I felt it pierce my skin and course through my veins. And to the very bones of this young 38-year-old Swiftie mom, I was shook AF! I sang, I danced and I drowned out the haters in the blogging world. She had a very clear message,

She had zero f***s to give, Taylor broke the internet.

After watching the seemingly endless myriad of shade thrown at Taylor over the years, my heart erupted with happiness as her flawless first single from Reputation revealed one BADASS BITCH. And with every music video release of her new era, she became a mythical Goddess with bullshit evaporating superpowers. Like, I legit think she’s an actual unicorn. After all, she does ride a caticorn named Olivia.

She got harder, she got smarter in the nick of time

One single post on my Facebook page praising her new era and new single she brought with it attracted a slew of hate speech, white people bashing, claims of Taylor ripping off Beyonce... I couldn’t believe the things I was reading from fellow bloggers. I even had a GLOBAL BRAND threaten my business relationship in their ambassador program because I stood up for Taylor and spoke out about the hate speech which was placed on my own personal Facebook page. But I stood by my words.

Fearless.

Over the following months into early 2018, and to the tune of, “This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things”, I, along with a slew of about 20 other bloggers, ended up taking down said global brand’s publicist who was using his budget and power to demean and sexually harass female bloggers (which would later reveal that blacklisting me was more about not buying into that bullshit rather than my voice on hate speech).

Zero f***s given to those haters.

Mythical Goddess with bullshit evaporating superpowers level officially achieved for Taylor, and even for me. Although I wouldn’t call myself a Goddess. That's all Tay. 🖤

She found love through the noise

And so did I. In November of 2017, I had approached the year anniversary of the greatest love I'd ever known. My last stop. And as the tracks played on, my heart was full. We both found happiness through a seemingly endless sea of anguish.

Taylor is truly doing better than she ever was, and so am I.

Her resilience up against the media and the demands of the industry are perfectly fearless. And her decision to keep her beautifully growing relationship with Joe private is wise. I’ve spent the last year at home, which has been incredible. I’ve had a lot of time to think about what’s most important to me, what has shaped me into the mom, partner and entrepreneur that I am, and it all comes back to Taylor. That’s why it’s time for me to be fearless again and officially join the Swiftie universe.

I’ve spent 12 years fighting dragons with Taylor

and growing a canyon of respect and adoration for her charm, wit, business savvy, musical talent, feminism, compassion, tenacity, love for animals, and of course her lovely, lovely, words. I’ve raised my son from birth with her. There isn't a single day that is spent where Taylor doesn't exist in our lives. For 12 years straight.

That’s a long time to love someone who has no idea you exist.

I play her music videos and YouTube uploads just so I can feel like she’s with us. And so my son knows that she’s one of the finest examples of a human being in his lifetime. I use Taylor’s kindness to teach my son how to be considerate and give back to others while sharing her fearless story with him so she can be a positive role model in his life. Taylor has essentially been part of our family all along. 

My son Gauge has a running joke that Taylor is the only person that can make me cry

(which happens more than I'm willing to admit). And it’s not because I’m weak, or on the verge of a mental breakdown (although I challenge you to try parenting, you might argue that), it’s because I truly love her like a best friend. When I see her happy it makes me happy, when I feel her sadness, it makes me sad. It’s visceral.

I don't believe the human connection is meant to be one-sided.

I feel in my heart, as weird as this may sound, that we will meet Taylor one day, even against all odds. Existing in the same lifetime as Taylor without at least trying to meet her doesn't feel right. I won't look at my son and teach him to let fear and doubt win, or that defying the odds is an impossible task.

Over the years I’ve been a spectator to her outreach to fans. She’s invited them to sessions in her homes, sent them gifts, invited them backstage, surprised them in their homes, made hospital visits, and Lord knows what else she has up her sleeve. And it’s all been done with pure excitement and love for her Swifties. With each outreach she extends, tears of joy are shed for fellow Swifties, and a ray of hope inspires me.

So, I’m starting a personal blog

which tells a very personal story of all the dragons I’ve fought with Taylor over the years. From living in a car at 15 years old to getting invited to LA premieres for Walt Disney and Marvel films. And I'll have no apologies for the truths that will be told (but will change names for privacy). It will be very personal and some of it won’t be pretty. Because life isn’t always pretty.

Taylor is releasing another album this year... we hope,

and she’ll be on yet another tour in 2020. After 12 years I’m finally ready for it. I’ve given my son everything he could possibly want or need. I’ve bought him a beautiful home in Northern Georgia. He’s been able to travel the world and do things most adults haven’t even done. And I owe much of that to Taylor for giving me the strength to take major risks, the courage to face my demons, the balls to cut people out of my life who were toxic and the self-confidence to defy the odds and do things my way.

2019 is our year to show @taylorswift how much we love her.

I’ll let the universe do the rest. Till then, I’ll be fighting dragons with her as I always have and writing my journal for her and anyone else who wants to read the memoirs of an OG Swiftie mom who keeps it real AF, full-on hair bun and all.

[pennyfynotes]

7.24.18 // 9:30am // starting a semester without shooting yourself in the foot

hola! recently got an ask from an anon about how to start the new semester so here it is. (sorry for the early back to school posts but like? winter is coming? yeah sorry don’t watch game of thrones) xoxo, m

general tips:

1. make a schedule: put in the things that have to happen each day. so classes, sports practices, work etc. this’ll help you evaluate how much time you have to do things like homework and if you have time to take on more extracurriculars and things. it’ll also prevent you from scheduling stuff during these times where you have to be somewhere else.

2. plan somewhere: ok so despite owning a studyblr and a bullet journal that i share with you guys, i kinda suck at planning. i completely relate to the abandoned planner/bujo situation. ideally, you might want to implement something like this. if that doesn’t work for you, just have a notebook where you jot down all your lists (that can be events, to-dos, reminders). you could even use an app (google keep is helpful bc you can sync bt phone and computer). just find somewhere to put down your thoughts.

3. read the syllabus/any emails from your prof/teacher: make sure you do all your summer homework. there might be a quick assignment/supply that you need to bring on the first day. also figure out where your class is. that’s kinda important. get familiar with policies like when to turn in hw, what their late work policy is. write yourself a cheat sheet if you have to.

4. map out your route: this is more of a first day/week type deal, but just figure out how you’re gonna get from place to place so you’re not stressing about being late. you can do this in person by walking around campus or just mentally if you’re familiar. if you’re in college and need to factor in meal/bus times, figure that out too.

5. get on your teacher/profs good side: i’m not saying to suck up or anything, but treat them with courtesy and try not to be late. if you’re one of those people that likes to be really familiar with your prof/teacher, start going to office hours just to say hi (or obv if you need help). i’m generally of the “invisible student” type, but there are definitely pros to having your instructor know your name.

6. compare your schedule: if your teacher/prof has already given you dates of major projects or exams, look that over. make sure you don’t already have any pre-planned trips (ex: my cousin is getting married and we’ve known the date for months). teachers/profs will always be more flexible about changing the dates of things or allowing you to take exams early/late if you let them know asap. you might think, “oh it’ll be easy to ask them to take it early”. not necessarily. if they haven’t made up the exam yet and you ask them a week in advance to take the exam early, not going to get a happy prof. and they’ll probably say no.

7. establish a routine: ok i kind of suck at this too, but mapping out when you’re going to do work etc is helpful. if all else fails, establish a sleep schedule. determine if you work better early in the morning or late at night. in my opinion, there’s no point in trying to be an early bird if you’re most productive from 11pm-1am. 

8. make a clear organizational system: for most of us, this will inevitably go to shit once the semester drags on. but having one at the beginning of the year will make things go more smoothly and give you a structure to go back to once you realize you can’t find a damn thing.

9. find a good study spot: find a spot you like. actually find a few spots. now’s when you’ll have time to scout around campus/your town. nothing sucks more than needing to study for an exam/make the most of your time and having your only study space be occupied. i have actually spent like 20 minutes looking for a spot during exams. don’t do it.

10. experiment a little: if you already know what works for you, great. but if you’re trying to decide between going digital or using paper. rewriting your notes vs making them legible the first time around. do some quick experimentation when things are as hectic.

11. find a friend in each class: i am also horrendous at this. but it’s really helpful if you’re stuck on homework or didn’t quite catch something important the prof/teacher said. if no one you know is in the class, maybe think about making a new friend/study buddy.

12. go the extra mile while you still can: now is probably the time when you have less going on outside of school. take advantage of that to build a little “grade cushion”. take the time to do assignments early and go over them with friends so you’re sure everything is correct. go above and beyond on that project, your super busy self will thank you later when your rushing to finish homework and probably miss a bunch of questions. now, i also want to mention that you should only do this if you can reap some kind of benefit. it could be getting a 100 instead of a 93 or just for self satisfaction. but don’t waste your time painting a masterpiece when your english teacher asks for a stick figure drawing to illustrate a scene from huck finn. the highest grade you can get is 100% and you could probably do that with some well placed lines. unless, like i said, you get personal satisfaction from said masterpiece. and you have the time to do it. :) hint, hint: i was that extra af kid in english class.

college specific tips (that might also apply elsewhere?)

1. go to class: ok i am an advocate of the “skip class when you need to” method (unpopular opinion), but you should go for at least the first week if not month. your teacher/prof will outline important policies that might not be in the syllabus. you’ll be able to tell if you really need a textbook (i usually rent for easy returns or wait until a couple days in or both) and get a feel for the prof. are they super strict on things like deadlines/guidelines or more relaxed. you’ll learn where you can bend the rules. from there, at your own risk, you can evaluate if you really need to go to class or not.

2. make sure you unpack so you can find things: don’t just toss everything into a drawer. it will come back to bite you when you’re frantically searching for that one item.

3. get to class early: i mean like 20 minutes early. (potentially earlier if you’re in a freshman class full of overachievers). this will allow you to choose where you want to sit and give you time to get situated. if you want to meet new people, maybe sit towards the middle. also, though college classes rarely have assigned seats, you’ll be choosing your unofficial official seat. don’t be that person that moves around all the time and displaces half the class because of it.

4. enjoy the first bit: catch up with friends, make new ones. you won’t have too much work for at least the first 2 days, so be efficient and don’t spend all day in your room/the library “doing work”. there will be plenty of time for that. 

best of luck friends! i’ll probably be putting out more masterposts on similar topics as we move closer to school starting (sigh). lmk if you have any requests!

[noseydewdrop]

I have a ridiculous amount of free time (mostly) at my work, I was thinking about posting this privately but then I wouldn’t be able to access this on my school’s computer. Rough drafts for my blog “ Living in Japan as an Language teacher”

Hidden Video Script Drafts:

3/18/20 - How I landed my dream job pt 1 (animation)

I wasn't always a firm believer of "everything happens for a reason". You wouldn’t be too if you grew up with my family. I recently experienced this in it's true form a while back when I heard the news that my brother was in the hospital. The timing could not have been worse as it was the Friday and night before my mom and my step dad's planned 20th anniversary on a European Caribbean Cruise of a lifetime. I was basically a vampire with my friends’ work schedules; wanting to play games with them everyday until late, and I mean LATE into the night.

On that Friday, I was casually sleeping in at 12 pm when I woke up to the most panicked mother I’ve ever experienced in my life (no joke). She insisted that since my brother is in the hospital and my step dad has decided to stay home (instead of vacation for the next 2 weeks), that I should go with her in my dad's place so she wouldn't be forced to go alone and ultimately cancel the trip they planned what seemed like forever ago.

It was a Friday in mid September and I worked at a successful, and booming American restaurant in the Seattle area. One that so happens to be among the most vibrant in the company and having set numerous company records. We were planning to be busy AF on that Friday. I was pathetic yet hopeful and doomed in the back of my mind, all while calling my boss thinking “how can I get the next 4 weeks off IMMEDIATELY” (Even more fishy that it was directly before a scheduled vacation to Japan that I requested off in April earlier that year)..

Back it up several months when two of my close friends and I planned our FIRST abroad trip ever to Japan. Saying I was an inexperienced traveler was an understatement- I never flew on a plane alone before, let alone out of the country. And miraculously, that 2 week long cruise just so happens to land the NIGHT before our planned vacation, and 6 hours before my next plane in SEATAC with my buddies to Japan. The stars aligned for this to happen, and if it came down to it, I thought “I will quit my job for this opportunity”.

But back to reality. Given the circumstances with my brother, my boss gave me Friday off and I spent the rest of the day frantically thinking of how to tell him (I’m not coming in this weekend, let alone this month. I kept it light to say the least and told him I only needed Friday off) without getting fired. For most people in my situation, I thought “they would quit for this once in a lifetime chance”. A minimum wage job is just another job, and this is not an opportunity that comes around.. EVER. Also I had no rent to pay, no financial concerns besides a student loan payment and a decent amount saved up to cover that payment without working for about a year, I mean wouldn't quit even if I (normally) wanted to. For me it was a different story. I really liked, I mean, loved my job. The people I worked with were basically family and for me quit on the spot would be so uncharacteristic of me, it would honestly be depressing for even me. I also never had a job where I could get along so easy with everyone I worked with. And with me addicted to Pokemon go and it being on 2 poke stops, it honestly didn't even feel like a job, yet more fun and satisfying than anywhere I worked before (hell, back then I KILLED for a job that meant basically playing Pokemon all day). More importantly, the restaurant taught me extremely valuable life skills; how to talk to people and be more friendly and open, instead of being my natural shy introverted self. I thought I found the perfect balance of work, extroversion and motivation to break me out of my, so called “normal” yet introverted way of thinking..

After speaking with my boss' roommate about how break it to him, I called the morning before my flight to Barcelona, telling him in vivid detail this situation I’m in, playing it as a family emergency, so my mom and dad wouldn't have wasted all the money they spent planning this trip (Sorry Riki it had to be like that!).

So I had the next 4 weeks off for my vacation around the world. From my layover in Dublin Ireland, to Barcelona Spain, with my mom on her dream cruise that showcased her favorite speaker, with a handful of the most vibrant and successful crowd of a people; with stops in France, Spain, Italy and UK Gibraltar. This was the peak of my existence (so far) and that deserves an entire story on its own. This is probably where I break this off into two parts

(sorry but as of 6/24, pt 2 is an unedited shitpost of a draft draft)

3/18/20 - How I landed my dream Job pt 2

After returning home from my Japan trip with my friends, I had so many experiences in so many countries, I felt so confident about how surprisingly independent I could be. Fast forward 2 weeks when my mother’s retirement party (in late October; she decided to retire earlier than expected instead of waiting till the end of the year) came suddenly, and was a party I could not miss. The night before, I was out at a bar with one of my best friend’s going away party, and I had a lot, maybe too much to drink. It was difficult but I made it, and in my introverted stupor and exhausted mood, I met dozens of my mother's decade long coworkers while having a few drinks at the private bar the company decided to cater for her.

It as a small, yet packed room of very knowledgeable business people; coworkers of my mom. She for the credit union for 20+ years and was the head of the loans department (and probably one of the most essential parts of the company). I was casually drinking near the bartender, and wound up talking to the nearest person in my area as I awaited the food to be served. He was in a suit and appeared in his late 50's. I learned that he didn't work directly with my mom but they knew each other as he was on the leadership side of the company. Little did I know this small, random conversation would be the spark to changing my entire future and be the pinnacle of my working career and how I landed a job with a instructors visa to teach English in Japan.

Hours passed after our brief meeting and he called me over after the food was served. I was introduced to his wife, and we discussed how their children were in close relations with my HS since their kid's HS was near mine, therefore rivaled each other in sports. We delved into the after HS and college topic and started talking about my college experiences and how I ended up as a Biology major, yet randomly working as a host in a restaurant.

My last year of college I took 1 quarter of Japanese and had an epiphany that I wish I had during freshman year; my future self was dying to study Japanese abroad. I then told them how I applied to a language company I heard of through a professor's English class that I was a TA in for Japanese exchange students from Tokyo University. Sadly the company was really competitive and I may have partied too hard and let my GPA set me apart from the thousands of yearly applicants (not to mention Seattle apparently is a hot spot for this particular company). My mom's coworker and his wife told me how their daughter taught English in Japan for 6 years and she applied to the same company with a 4.0 and still didn't get in.

I guess they hire based off region and Seattle was way more competitive than I thought. They gave me her contact info and I promptly emailed her that night. After a long conversation about her experiences, she recommended me to the company I am currently working for, and now I’m in Japan teaching English. Things were falling into place for me back then, just like stars, pin-holed in the curtain of night. Like the needle of momentum, I received from the European cruise was still in motion, There was nothing in the world I wanted more than achieving that dream.

I feel everything that happened was for this door to open for me, and the stars aligned so perfectly for me. From the timing of the cruise (and circumstances (don't worry my brother was fine)) and landing right before my planned trip with my friends, to my mom retiring early just in the perfect window for this company to hire me. I felt that everything was going my way and nothing could stop me; by just knowing exactly what I wanted.. I realized how much more control I have over my life by simply setting the intention and putting it out there, in the realm of thought. The mind is so much more powerful than I could ever imagine, and by me simply just asking for something with deliberate intention, the universe aligned the planets, or some shit I can’t ever actually comprehend, for it to work out; I’m convinced there's no way this is a coincidence.

I had this happen to me before, but not on this level. Yet I am so grateful for my parents and being exposed to the Law of Attraction at such a young age, and just accept everything and not question the logistics. As a science major I question a lot of things and there is no possible way I could ever doubt this being true after what I experienced. You could say it was luck, but the fact that when I asked for this, it happened almost like magic.

It is truly unreal to me. I feel I have so much more control of my life than I ever would have thought was possible. Now I am on a one way plane to Japan, amidst the Corona Virus outbreak and flight cancellations. Nothing in the world could stop me now. (Also, they closed the boarder a week after I arrived in Japan and as of July, it is still closed indefinitely).

P.S. This was composed on my flight to Japan overwhelmed with emotion. My recent stepmother worked at the airport I departed, so my father had inside info on my flight and planned a surprise send off. Safe to say it was the closest feeling I’ve felt with my dad since my parents were recently divorced. He gave me a key chain of his favorite car he had while I was younger, my current car (black new beetle Volkswagen), and we both silently teared up from all the childhood memories and love we can’t regularly express but have been pressured into this ultimatum of me potentially never returning to the life we we’re both use to. I wont include this in the final, but since this just the beginning, I figured anyone who actually reads this will be one in a million; someday. I have never been so sure, that anyone; anything you want or can ever imagine to have. It’s right at your fingertips, all you have to do is think, and believe it. Life is magic.

[valkerymillenia]

I ask all 50!!! Fill us with fun facts about you!

Holy shit, again?! I’m not that interesting, you know?But ok, I’ll try, I’ve already answered some though.

1: What color are your socks?

Answered.

2: Have you ever lied about your age? Why?

Answered already!

3: What is something you regret in the past month?

So much wasted time…

4: Do you believe in love at first sight?

I’ve answered this before- no, I believe in attraction at first sight; love, however, needs to be earned, grown and nourished.

5: When was the last time you wrote someone a letter on paper?

Do notes to translate conversations into paper for my deaf dad count? If so, then today.If you mean real letters… I honestly don’t remember.

6: How old were you when you first learned how to ride a bike? Who taught you?

Answered!

7: Do you get along with your parents? Why or why not?

Oh my gods, this is such a loaded question…Ok, I’ll try to keep it simple. Who am I kidding? That’s not possible.

Mom- ok so my mom is denial of any form of mental illness but she clearly has manic depression and war PTSD since forever. So as a result my mom has always been a bit aloof, irresponsible, neglectful, super permissive, a sneaky opportunist and a slightly childish and impulsive. Never thinks ahead, just goes nuts on the moment or spends too much time asleep (no in between).So my mom wasn’t the best mother in the world, she was a great caregiving and spoiling mother when we were babies but as soon as we gained minimal independence (aka around 5 years old) she just slacked off on the motherhood department. She’s not very bad, she’s just irresponsible and opportunistic and won’t interfere if we need help which doesn’t suit a mother but she’s a great person so she makes a very good friend (as long as you set boundaries and basic duties), she’s funny and sweet and a bit geeky, she’s also beautiful and used to be a model before I was born so she’s that fashion and beauty oriented friend (if fact she’s a certified beautician and taught me all she knows).So… Complicated relationship, lots of love but not the best mom (can’t blame her, grandma was a bitch).

Dad- I love him, he raised me, but I was also his main caregiver since I was 10 since he’s deaf and crippled. He’s a funny and permissive dad (except when he had explosive bouts of rage but that was a phase…a traumatic and slightly violent phase around the divorce time but short), he tried to be a provider and friend with shared interests with me. BUT he was also quite neglectful, being deaf made him very introverted, paranoid and isolated so he just let me run wild (I didn’t, I was taking care of the house and school instead) while he was cooped up playing pc games. We have that friendly daddy’s girl relationship but we both lack trust, we keep our more important thoughts to ourselves and I’m always afraid that as a deaf person he’ll misunderstand important things or judge me for whatever (and he’s always also feeling judged) so our relationship often feels shallow, he’s also the type in denial about people’s mental illness.

Biological father- Fucking complicated. As a little child he babysat me and was our neighbor so I was always hanging out and getting candy, he was also the person that cherished me the most to take hundreds of photos of me. I moved at age 5 so after that we only communicated through my grandma when she traveled between countries, he’d send me presents and worry about me. I only found out he was my progenitor when I was 10 and it took me years to accept it. Saw him again when I was 18, in fact it was like shock therapy- I spent a whole month living with him as I visited my hometown again. He likes to spoil me as much as he can and he’s very kind but also naive and stubborn and not the type that likes to talk about feelings or important things so talks between us are extremely awkward chitchat.

Stepdad- Terrible relationship. He’s the kind of person that is a caregiver for us all out of duty but then uses that to emotionally manipulate everyone. He’s small minded, old fashioned and selfish and blames everyone for his problems, he also seems to have a personal thing against me- pretty sure he doesn’t hate me but I’m his natural verbal punching bag, anything I say or do in front of him, no matter how innocent, even standing still for a moment or asking to pass the juice at dinner, he twists everything into insults and psychological abuse. Luckily my sister is his baby so she escapes his judgement but he wasn’t that much of a present parent to her either and let her run wild a lot (I’m so glad I could turn that around and teach her to be way more responsible than her parents). The only reason I don’t totally hate him is because he gave me sister, who I love most in the world.

8: What’s your favorite season?

Answered!

9: Do you currently like someone?

Yup, also answered before.

10: Have you ever used an Ouija board?

I know how but I never used it, as a Wiccan my preferred specialty for spiritual communing was pendulum scrying.

11: What’s the last song you sang?

“Havanna” by Camilla Cabello has been stuck in my head for weeks.

12: What’s your favorite scent?

Telling me to choose just one fav of anything is hard af… But here are some favs.

Fresh peppermint, lavender, petrichor, burnt eucalyptus, baby powder, sea water, freshly baked bread, and oddly enough- gasoline.

13: What’s your favorite urban legend?

Can’t choose favs but off the top of my head… La Llorona.

14: What’s a bad habit that you have?

Procrastinating.

15: What’s a strange habit that you have?

All my odd stims and ocd rituals.

16: What’s the first instrument that you learned to play?

Answered.

17: How would you describe your ‘type?’

Already answered in the previous ask meme.

18: Would you rather stay in or go out?

Both, when I go out I make it special and try to make the most of it because it’s rare… But I guess I do prefer the safety and routine of staying home.

19: What was the last thing you said to your mom?

“Never going to see what you borrowed from dad again, am I? This is why people don’t trust you, you never keep your promises…

Well, whatever! How are the stitches? You’re better, right?

Ok, put my sister on. Kisses, bye.”

20: Do you want to get married someday?

Already answered in the previous asked meme.

21: Have you ever snuck out?

Not that I needed to with my kind of parents but yeah, a couple of times.

22: Can you sing well?

I love to sing but whether I’m good or not is up to the listener, I can post a song sample if anyone wants.

23: What’s an embarrassing thing that happened this week?

Other than grovelling desperatly for help?

24: When was the last time you went sledding?

Never?

25: Have you ever/do you liked someone you know you can never be with?

Yeah.

26: Do people often mispronounce your name?

Yes! If you’re not a Portuguese speaker, I DARE you to pronounce my surname. Go ahead- Coelho.

27: Would you like to live in another country?

I do miss my home country, South Africa holds my heart… and I’ve dreamed of a stint in Japan. But all in all, I like this country, it’s…interesting, safe.

28: Do you like to watch ghost-hunting shows?

Not really, they tend to be too over the top and stereotypical. 

29: Who was the last person you said you loved to?

Boyfriend.

30: What’s something you’d like to be better at?

Follow through.

31: Have you ever stayed up to talk to someone who was sad?

Very often, Some right here on tumblr.

32: What was the last thing you cooked?

Chili con carne. Been eating leftovers of it for a whole week now.

33: Do you think you would make a good parent?

Answered already.

34: Do you have trouble sleeping at night?

Answered!

35: Where is your best friend right now?

Given the day and time, my sister is probably at dance practice now.

36: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

Depends if I’m making an effort (an hour) or if I’m just being casual (20min).

37: How late do you usually stay up at night?

Answered.

38: When was the last time you cried and why?

I don’t know… 

39: Have you ever won a contest?

Yes, started this year by winning a Justice League pop contest. But that was more of a giveaway... Actual contest? I won a couple b of art contests before but nothing big.

40: Can you draw well?

I have art posted here so you tell me.

41: Would you ever date someone you met on Tumblr/the internet?

Sure. I already do.

42: What was the last thing you ate?

….Bread.

43: Do you think you’re/you’d make a good boyfriend/girlfriend?

I sure hope so, I try my best… But to be honest I don’t think I’m a very good partner.

44: Have you ever had a near-death experience?

About 6 actually.

45: What do you think people think of you?

I don’t know… I’ve been told I make people feel comfortable and I’m easy to open up to? But to be honest I don’t really know.

46: What is your middle name and do you like it?

Augusto. My mom’s maiden name, because that’s how it works here (Name+ maybe 2nd name + mom’s surname + dad’s surname). 

Yes, I like it, it’s latin. But people sometimes mix it up with my paternal grandma’s first name.

47: Are you close with either of your parents?

In my own way, yes. Both mom and dad.

48: Do you like yourself?

Some days…

49: State five facts about your appearance –

-I get a lot of comments on my boobs and I really don’t mind

-I look pale because I stay inside a lot but I tan very easily, probably because my mom is dark

-I love my tattoos, I’m proud of them

-I wear glasses or contacts in important occasions 

-I have the worst time looking people in the eye

50: State five facts about your personality –

-I’m patient but full of anxiety

-I don’t have just one personality

-I try to be as unbiased and non-judgmental as possible

-I’m obsessive about random things

-I like solitude but I also like interacting (though the more non-physical the better)

[kpop-melody]

How would BTS propose ?

Anonymous said :

How would the boys ask for marriage? .~

Hi sweetie~thanks for requesting ! .. here’s your requested reaction and I hope you like it >< .

I didn't think creatively ,since they are human beings their ways would be more special than we think...so I became more logical and made these proposals depend on their habits that we all know ...sorry if this sounds silly but I didn't have much time to think deeply about them ,their personalities and how they would propose ..sorry again !

Jin:

Jin would try his best to make it unexpected ,and made the propose as a surprise when you both do the thing you like together .When you were cooking some dinner since you decided to spend the day together ,Jin was giving you orders ,yes you didn't know how to cook but Jin liked to give instructions and be the leader ,and you didn't mind cuz the time you spent was with your boyfriend ,and that’s all what you would ask for .

-“babe ,give me the mixed spices box please ...” he said while mixing stuff in the bowl .

-“ok ..” you replied quickly ,and went straight to the cabinet and opened it ,there ..a small red fancy box was placed .

-“what’s this ?” …you mumbled while taking it out and staring at it .

-“ohh …I don't know .Suga was here before you come ,open it and let's see what's inside !” he said simply ,acting super professional as his eyes locked on the bowl in front of him .

You opened it slowly ,you knew something was wrong ,and knew that Suga won't leave his stuff for others to reach ,and you expected something but you didn't want to seem silly .As you opened the box your expectations came true ,at least Suga won't ask to marry you after all! ..a small peace of paper was written on it (will you marry me?~) ,and a simple golden ring was there too .As you were reading it Jin let the spoon down and turned to face you “you won't reject me right?” …you looked up at him with eyes filled with tears ,his sweet smile was full of hope to you saying yes ,and you didn't let him down ,you said yes ,for his cute way to propose ,for his sweet smile ,and for the hope of him being your partner till the last breath in your life.

Suga :

After a long day at work ,your boyfriend came only to see you and have lots of cuddles .You were lying on his chest ,talking about your day full of embarrassing stories and you didn't resist to tell him ,yes he maybe would tease you ,but after it he would give you the strengthen and the courage to face those people again ,he is so helpful .he was playing with your hair ,humming from time to time at some sentences ,till you finished ,and there a scary silence showed up ,and you know when this happens he would be thinking about something else .You looked up at him as he was staring at the window the whole time .”wanna tell me what annoys you that much to not react at all?” you whispered ,but he didn't look at you at all ,ok there IS something wrong ..

-“ umm …I was thinking of a song I produced and sang lately ,I think it won't be professional or enough “ he said ,taking the phone from the table next to the bed and searching for the song .

-“enough for what? ,come on let me hear it ,of course it's professional ,It's done by the genius yoongi!” you said while putting on the headphones and started focusing on the intro of the song . It was romantic , describing a girl in a wonderful way ,which made your heart melt ,then it started to talk about great times happened between him and her …there you were sure it was you ,but the end was shocking ,he started saying things like ( I want this good times last longer // I want to hold you closer every night till I get older // I want you to be officially mine and say it out loud to the world //……..) and when the song was over ,he whispered by his manly voice as he took off the earphone and had a ring in his hand “enough for a precious girl like you , will you marry me Y/N?” …

Rap Monster :

Sharing interests together was something normal between you and Namjoon, your love ..and sharing books was also something you both used to do .At midnight when you were at the end of a book your Joonie gave to you ,you were curious about those highlights you have noticed when you were reading it the whole week .At every chapter there was a highlighted word ,you thought they would make sense or ,Namjoon just highlighted them randomly !. You grabbed a paper and a pen and started from the beginning : Chapter one : want, chapter four : to, chapter eight : be ,chapter fifteen : my ,chapter twenty three : love ,chapter thirteen : forever  .. (want to be my love forever ?) .You pouted ,is this a proposal or a cheesy filtration ? ...so you picked up your phone and messaged him although it wad 2 am but you knew he would be up reading a book ..or ..waiting for an answer :

-“ joonie ? ...what will happen if I answered with yes ? And what  will happen if I answered with no ?”

-“finished reading ?”

-“yep ..now answer me ..I'm curios “

-“well ,if you answered with yes you would be my love forever as it was said ,and if you answered with no ..you would be my love forever too !”

-“....Joonie? ...are flirting or..?”

-“yes ...the answer is I'm flirting but in more official way ...”

-“official ? ...”

-“Y/N???”

-“...yeh?”

-“will you marry me?” ...

J-hope :

This hyped boy would plan for this for so long ..like so so long! .One day ,you waked up at 4:14 pm from your daily nap as someone just rang your door bell ,when you opened it ,a bouquet of flowers was placed there ,with a card was written on it (two days left ..) ...two days for what? ..you checked the date ,and it was 4/12 ..you pouted ,your boyfriend Hoseok isn't here cuz he’s on tour so he won’t mess with you ,it’s not your anniversary and not your birthday ...so? ...you just ignored it and continued your day normally .The next day ...at 6:06 pm another bouquet of flowers was placed outside with a card written on it (one day left ) ..ok ..that started to get creepy ...the third day ..you came back from your late shift at work at 10:30 pm ,when you found a bouquet with a card ( did you miss me? I did ,and I'm waiting for you in the backyard) there you stated to get scared ...with hesitant steps you walked to the backyard ...and there was the shock ...sparkling lights were thrown in a beautiful way on the trees and your Hoseok was waiting for you in a fancy suit at the middle in front of huge amount of flowers which were designed to be like a large clock on the grass with the time (11:11) ...

-“DAMN ..Hoseok ? ..aren't you on a tour?” ..

-“well ,I wanted to spend this special time with you !” ..he said ,standing in front of you ,nervous af .

-“ ohh ,so YOU are the one who sent those bouquets...I thought it was a serial killer or something “ ..

-“ohh ..did I miss up?” he said with a scared smile on his face ...

-“no ..not at all ,but what about this clock?... and why are you dressed like this?” ..you said pointing at the huge clock on the grass and his suit ,so he took a deep breath ,closed his eyes and started speaking super fast from nervousness :

-“well ..I decided to make those special iconic times be more special since you know we spent two years together and I saved them by heart ! ..the 4:14 , two years ago was the first time to kiss you ...the 6:06 , last year was the first time to hear the first (I love you) from you ..and the 11:11 , also from the last year we were cuddling talking about future ,when we started to talk about family and children and , from there I started thinking ...” then he opened his eyes and stared into your eyes deeply ..” I was going to ask you this question two days ago ,from the first bouquet, so it would be the first kiss after the question ,and yesterday would be the first time to hear I love you after the question and I would refuse to hear it till the right time ..and today would be the first time to say (I want you to be by myside forever ) out loud ...but the manager refused to let me go till I finish the concert in Philippine ,so ..I would feel satisfied if you just said yes even though my plans gone with the wind ...”

-“and the yes is for the question you wanted to ask three-“he cut you ..super afraid from your answer ..

-“to my questions Y/N ...to my question which I'll say now ...so ...will you marry me? ...I know I couldn’t make the proposal special but the manager was THAT cruel ,and I promise I’ll make our coming marriage years better and treat you well ,so ...?”

Jimin :

This cute pie would train for days till he would miss up ...totally ruin everything! .It was a normal day when you cancelled your extra hours at work because you wanted to rest... directly to yours and Jimin’s house ,and you didn't expect for him to come till midnight cuz he had schedule to follow up with .As you entered the house ,the lights were off ,only candles were everywhere in the salon as a table was placed there with some plates and a cake ..you pouted ..did Jimin do all that for me or...? ...you heard whispers of someone inside the room of you two ...you tip toes toward it to see Jimin leaning his head on the mirror, his eyes closed and saying out loud “ok again ...Y/N ...I love you ..and I wanna love you till the last day of our lives...no no ...no I won't talk about death now ..again ...Y/N ..I was in love with you for a long long time ..and I'll always do ..so will you give me the chance to stand by your side whatever happened to you ,me or around us? ...no ..that's too ornate ..again ...more direct ...Y/N ...will you marry me ?...no ..too serious again ..Y/N ...uhh ...I'll totally miss up ..uhhh ..I hope she accept !” ...you pouted at that stupid idea you had a minute ago ...then quickly smiled and tip toed back to the door ...there you opened it and closed it again..shouting “ohhh my GOD!! ...what's this ..JIMIN??? babe are you home??” ...and started acting as if you didn't see anything and arrived home two seconds ago ...there ..you heard a shout after five seconds “YES ..I'M HERE!” ...and he got out ,his head down but super brave ...just different from the one near the mirror one minute ago ..but! ... as he spotted you he stopped ..took a huge breath and became super nervous...there you continued acting “Jiminie? ..did you prepare all that?” ...he nodded ...came closer with a weird smile and dragged you to sit in front of him on the table ..there ..he stared at you as you said “ohh Jimin ..what are all these for? ..I don't think our anniversary is now “...he started playing with his fingers ..trying to speak out but failed ..one minute as you can't control yourself not to say that you saw everything he finally said “Y/N ..yes it's not our anniversary but ..I realized now how much I love you and how much I need you by my side ...Y/N ..I was in love with-“ ...there he stopped as he saw you smiling ..damn he was about to explode because of how tense he was ..so you continued for him “with you since a long long time ...and I'll always do ..so will you give me the chance to be by your side whatever happened to you ,me or around us?” ...there he was super shocked ..he stopped playing with his fingers ..but his eyes locked on you as you thought his brain stopped working for a minute ,trying to figure out how did you know ,but you cut the doubt with certainty ...”yes Jiminie I accept ..I totally accept!” ...

V :

Taehyung and you were making some bracelets by some coloured wool threads for the kids in the park next to your house .. you two are used to do this when he had some free time cuz you two like children and like to share this time in a helpful way .As a kid was sitting in front of you two ,waiting for his bracelets to be done by you ,you asked as your eyes locked on what you were making “Tae?? ..what are you doing ?” ...he answered as his tone seemed as if he was focusing on something else “making couple things for us ...” ...you giggled “you made three pairs already !” ...he replied fast “no ..this's rings pair, not bracelets ..I used golden threads too ! ...till we choose the rings together !” ...you stopped what you were doing and looked at him “but Tae ..I don't like rings ..!” ...he smiled as his eyes still on the ring he was making “but make some exception for these rings ,they're our rings !” the kid cut your thoughts “can I have a ring too?” ...he giggled “ohh ..but I can't marry a little boy! ..just the girl I love!” ..your eyes were still wide as you couldn't get out of the shock that he already proposed to you! ...the kid interrupted your pink dreams again as he said “so I'll have a new friend? ...you gonna give make me have a new boy to be friends with?” ...he smiled warmly and looked deep in your eyes “no cutie ,we are going to give you friendS ...around five or six ...right babe?” ...

Jungkook :

This maknae would do his best to make the way he reposes unforgettable ! ...you got a call from him as he said “wear fancy dress ...I'm on my way to pick you up” ...he didn't give you a second to ask anything ,so you put your dress on and some make up ,made a simple hairstyle and there someone knocked at your door ...when you opened you saw the driver ,behind him the newest Audi car ,you pouted “did Jungkook-ah send you?” ..he smiled “yes he did ..now please?” and he opened the door for you. After a long drive you arrived finally ,the car stopped in front of a huge villa which you expected it was unaffordable even by Jungkook’s high salary ..the maid opened the door even before you reach it and took you to the backyard ,which was a fascinating garden more than a simple backyard .As you stood there ,staring at the great decoration was made and the beautiful kinds of flowers ,he said behind you “like it?” ...you turned facing him as he was more than perfect with a suit on...“ohh my God! ..of course I did ..I mean ..why did you even do that? ...” ..he smiled simply “because you deserve ..” ..and took your hand ..dragging you to a small table with a box and a bouquet of flowers placed on it ..there were more four similar tables in front of you which made a long line ended with a huge table with plates full of food on it ! ..he smiled “open it!” ..you opened the first box to see the neckless you liked last week when you both were shopping together ,you looked at him “Kookie ! ..you didn't have-“ ..he cut you by placing a finger on your lips ..then dragged you to the second box which had a small taco  ...you giggled and said “I can't imagine that you still remember my wish I made that night !” ...he smiled “I told you shooting stars make the dreams come true !” ...the third box? ..it had your shared box of wishes you both decided to make them whenever you had the chance to ...you heard him saying “I wanna start making those wishes ...with you ! ,I think I made your first two wishes.. and my first one is in the last box! ..I hope you do it for me” ...you smiled “sure I will do it ..come on ,I'm curious to know it!” ...you went together to the last box ..as you opened it ..you saw a diamond ring placed on a huge amount of coloured dried flowers leaves ..you looked shocked at him when he said “when we decided to make those dreams come true ..I knew that this journey would be long ..and I wanted to start it with the first wish I made ,and it was when I first met you ..sorry my first wish wasn't to travel and see pyramids ..it was to get married to you ..so ...Y/N ..will you marry me and start working on our endless dreams together till the last day we spend together? .and it witl start if you said yes?”  ..

GIFs are not mine

requests : closed ! 

-Admin M

[alex-guerin]

I’ve tried putting up something about this on facebook, but the comments and messages I got from “well meaning friends” were...well...distressing to say the least. Especially considering they only know small bits about what’s going on, the bits that I’ve told them. So, I need to drop some facts about some shit that’s been happening the last two weeks. 

Two weeks ago, exactly, I had to work a Saturday shift at work. All three shifts did. There was no escaping it. Second shift loud mouth stayed to try and help us and at 4:30 when Jason came in, she split, went and cornered him about me, and when I left that morning Jason gave me his phone number and told me if I wanted to give him a call sometime...

I was ecstatic! We spent pretty much all day Saturday and Sunday texting each other and getting to know each other. We talked Monday at work, texted Monday after he got off work. This became the norm very quickly. We literally have become incapable of going a day without texting or talking to each other. Towards the end of last week he drop the other shoe I’d been waiting to hear fall, and that was a text that said “Truthfully, I’m single cause I choose to be, I’m not ready for a relationship yet. I’m just trying to take care of myself and be the best dad I can be.” I kinda saw it coming, but it still hurt, but at the same time, in the same text he told me I didn’t have to back off (my flirting) and he really didn’t know what I could screw up (I’d sleep deprived texted him telling him how terrified I was of screwing things up with him, that’s what prompted his confession of being single cuz he chose to be). Still, even with that, things haven’t changed. We see each other at work, we smile at each other, we talk, we joke, we spend time with each other at work if we can, and after work I usually lose at least an hour’s worth of sleep cuz I’m staying up so he and I can text each other. For the most part, we tell each other “sweet dreams” when one of us is heading to bed (aka, when I’m heading to bed), and always tell each other “See ya in the morning!” We’ve talked each other down from quitting. He gave me permission to hug, which I’ve tried very hard not to abuse, and permission to steal his hat and glasses if I find them lying around while he’s in the freezer working. He lets me borrow his freezer gloves if I have to do any amount of work in the freezer for longer than just a couple seconds, and if he doesn’t need them, and he’ll play around with me when he’s in the cooler and we’ll pick on each other and crack each other up and it’s fantastic. 

We know so much about each other now, even after just two weeks of talking/texting. I know that he’s 37, born and raised in San Antonio, TX, spent a lot of time in Alabama with his grandpa though. His mom was a single parent and his dad wasn’t in the picture a lot, but still did what he could to support Jason and his brother. His brother is 2 years younger than him, and they’re close af. He also has a half brother who is 12 years younger than him who he’s never actually spoken to. I know that he moved to Illinois in 2007, and I’m assuming it wasn’t long after he moved here that he met and married the woman who is now his ex-wife. I know he has two kids, a daughter who is 8 and his son is 7, and he gets them every other weekend, and that he thinks the world of them (enough so that just today he and his daughter went out shopping while her brother was at a sleepover birthday party, and Jason dropped $300 on clothes for her. No, he really doesn’t have that kind of money, but he did it anyway). I know that he’s been so close to quitting at work that he stormed out one day and management stood at the door just to make sure he’d come back. He’s got such a damned sense of responsibility at work, that he’s been there a year and two months now, and has NEVER missed a day of work. He’s never called in sick, or taken a vacation day, nothing. He has his kids until Monday this week, and he still texted me saying he might not be into work on Monday, “unless [he] can find a babysitter”. That’s how strong a sense of responsibility he has. I know he played baseball in college, though he never finished college, and that he can see far away without his glasses on but not up close. I know that he got his license suspended two years ago for DUIs he’d had when he was younger and didn’t do anything about, and he’ll get his license back in a year. He plays video games when he gets the chance, which given how crazy work has been for him lately, isn’t very often anymore. 

We don’t see each other outside of work. Not for lack of trying on my part, he’s usually just got something going on already, or he’s got his kids. Last weekend he did finally invite me over at like 8:30pm, but like a dumbass, he went inside and left his phone in the garage, so never saw me say it’d probably be 9:30 before I got there, depending where in Aurora he lived. So, no, I don’t even know where he lives or anything. We literally just text each other. The most physical contact we have is when I hug him at work either when I’m heading out for the night/day, or when I’m about to lose my mind and need that little bit of grounding to keep me sane; or when he comes in for labels and playfully bumps his shoulder into mine or something. That’s it. That’s the extent of our physical contact. This is important to remember. Keep this in mind. 

Last night he and I were texting and we spent a good long while making each other laugh with ridiculously empty threats about what would happen to him if he came into work Monday morning instead of calling off so he can spend more time with his kids. The talk turned a little real and then all of the sudden I’m flying sky high and utterly speechless and ready to burst into tears when he sends me a text saying, “Sometimes I fly by you in the lift and I just give you a look and you smile and it makes me feel better.” I sat there staring at my phone, on the verge of tears, unsure of how to answer for the longest time. During that time, he sends me another text that had me crashing back down to reality, “I don’t want to upset you, but you know I’m not looking to date right now”. It hurts being reminded that he’s not looking for a relationship right now, or to date right now. He’s told me a couple of times he’s just not ready to yet. He wants to focus on himself and taking care of his kids, and I get that. It still hurts a bit, but I get that. 

I posted on Facebook last night after this happened, asking if I was just setting myself up for heartbreak by holding out a small bit of hope on that “right now” changing, was I completely hopeless? We’re friends, there’s absolutely no doubt about that now, we’re very much friends, and I’ve told him I’d rather have his friendship than nothing at all. I’m kind of a little attached to him. We at least know pretty much where we stand with each other. After I posted my question and concern on Facebook, suddenly I’m getting all kinds of “well meaning friends” commenting and messaging me telling me yes, you’re being a fool. Guys who play the “not ready for a relationship card” are always only using it so they can have all the benefits of being a boyfriend, without being tied down to you. They use that card basically so they can have sex without being committed to you. Move on. Ignore him. Cut him out of your life right now. Don’t get your hopes up cuz you’re only gonna get hurt by him. But...like...what if he’s NOT using that line as an excuse? He and I aren’t sleeping together (even though one of my co-workers is convinced we are). I’ve already explained our extent of physicality with each other. What if he really means it, that he’s not ready for anything because his marriage ended rather recently. Which, I’m pretty sure it did. Am I still a fool for holding out hope? Knowing what I do about him and given we’ve only hugged maybe three or four times -- all times initiated by myself?

I don’t know. I told myself today I wasn’t going to text him, just to test the fact that we can’t make it a day without texting. A little after 2pm I got a text from him asking how my day was going. This doesn’t really sound like a guy who is just interested in sex, even if he did send me a text yesterday afternoon that was sent out of his own sleep deprived insanity as part of a joke we’d been teasing about most of the day (”I do dangle though lmao” ...yeah, he made a dick joke. What guy doesn’t?).  I dunno. I just...I wanna hold out that hope, cuz I really like him, and the more I learn about him, the harder I fall. 

I just dunno....

[ayabaiii]

Why I’m so nuts for YOI

YOI flipped my switch in a big way, in a head-over-heels way, in a Victor-dancing-with-Yuri-at-the-GPF-banquet-and-realizing-this-was-it way, and I’ve been thinking lately about why it is that I love it SO much. There are so many reasons. A million reasons. A gazillion reasons under the cut because I’m not as cruel to stick this much text at once into your dash.

Sexual desire can be a positive thing: In most Asian media (dramas, anime), sex and desire is usually treated as deviant- if you want it, you’re a slutty slut or a comical horndog, or it has to be way crazy kinky nonconsensual porn shit. In most Western media, it isn’t treated well either- I just finished watching Big Little Lies and sex is all about shame, rage and violence in that series. But in the world of YOI, Victor is super hot for the cute guy who challenged his rinkmate to a dance off, then proceeded to strip and pole dance, THEN CAPPED IT ALL OFF BY SWEEPING HIM OFF HIS ACTUAL FEET, and then he choreographs a skating routine about SEXUAL LOVE about it and ends up making Yuri skate it. A lot of fandom seem to write Yuri off as a delicate flower who knows nothing about sex, but were you all watching the same series as I was? He basically has a sexual awakening as a preteen watching stupid pretty Victor twirl around with his stupid pretty hair and covers his entire bedroom with sexy posters of him (there are posters where Victor isn’t even skating, they are more or less posters to jack off to). He literally says that he is the only person in the world who can satisfy Victor. I’m shit at translating but the Japanese dialogue and narration in the series (I should just watch the blurays because I find the english subs on crunchyroll distracting and not particularly accurate) is... pretty sexy too. They’re in love, but they’re also SUPER attracted to each other, and that’s ok- better than ok, really, because great sex is a cornerstone of healthy and happy long-term relationships. 

The fact that they’re both the same gender is never an issue: No angsting about sexual orientation. Neither party wishes they were a girl (which happens every so often in yaoi). No pandering or queerbaiting. This series is a straight-up romantic comedy: person A meet-cutes person B, person A and person B fall madly in love. No one gives them any shit about it (except Yuri Plisetsky, but my head canon there is that he has an unconscious crush on Yuri Katsuki and is mad as shit that stupid perfect Victor swooped in and stole him away) 

No stupid romantic subplot friction: No super retarded misunderstandings that could be avoided by just talking to each other (I’m looking at you, every Korean drama ever made), no evil love rivals, no contrived situation with parents or other authority figures trying to keep the main couple apart. Their main issues are what most couple’s issues are: proper communication, compromise, and learning what it means to operate as a unit. I also love love love that when Victor gets jealous and possessive in the Yuri on Stage skit, he doesn’t demand to know all the details of whoever he thinks Chihoko is, he doesn’t close off and make it so Yuri only ever talks to him, he drunkenly scrawls “Surpass Chihoko” on Yuri’s naked back, and then proceeds to climb a public edifice naked and scream his love from the top. And when he demands Yuri do it too, instead of telling him he’s crazy or to get down or having a fight, Yuri just strips and gets up there too, to make his stupid hungover husband feel better.  

A realistic portrayal of love: Victor and Yuri are attracted to each other, but the reason they fall in love is that they really get along and like being around the other person. They have fun, they make each other laugh, they excite and surprise each other, they slowly open up to each other, they bicker and squabble because being in love doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t annoy the shit out of you sometimes. Most anime and media treat falling in love like some magical thing that makes your life instantly perfect, which is not the case in real life. They also treat falling in love as a mysterious and sudden thing you have no control over, and honestly for the most part it is, but that’s limerence, not love. Victor and Yuri actually fall in love and stay in love. Their lives are immeasurably better with the other person in it. They fill in each other’s spaces. 

Realistic portrayals of mental conditions: I stay away from saying mental illness because I think anxiety and depression are things most people experience at some point in their lives- some just have it to a deeper or lighter degree than others. Yuri and Victor are both high functioning- Yuri in his anxiety, Victor in his depression. A lot has been said about Yuri’s anxiety, especially given than he’s the narrator of 11/12 episodes, but I was actually hugely impressed by the nuanced and realistic depiction of Victor as a high functioning depressed person. He’s clearly bored and sad and lonely, hugely craving human connection and feeling cut off from people because of his godlike status: every connection he has is in relation to his sport, and they all want something out of him, so when he falls in love for the first time, he ends up becoming a coach because he thinks that’s all he has to offer Yuri to make him fall in love with him too. I honestly don’t think Victor has ever thought about being a coach, nor is he interested in staying one after Yuri: the entire thing was basically a crazy grand gesture to make the cute boy from the banquet fall in love with him (well, in his defense, it worked, so good job Victor). Victor’s only real connection seems to be to his dog, which struck me as enormously and terribly lonely. Hopefully we’ll learn more about his family in Season 2. 

Realism about bodies and how much fucking work it is to be hot: I just spent an hour and a half at the gym so this is on my mind LOL. Most anime and tv shows gloss over the sheer amount of work it actually takes to be a certain shape, and I already knew from episode one where Yuri gains weight after his depression from a seemingly endless onslaught of FML that I was in for the good shit. Any hot person you know who claims they just sit on the couch eating hot wings all the time is a goddamn liar. I’m no longer sample size because I don’t have time to spend 2-3 hours in the gym every single day and I like to have some fried chicken and chips and ice cream now and again. Now, I had some discussion with male friends when I forced them to watch it last week as to how feasible it was for Yuri to lose all that weight in basically a week, and they claim it’s doable / they’ve done similar before, but I think part of episode 1 shows Yuri as an unreliable narrator who seems to think he’s WAY fatter than he is (which is part of the nature of anxiety), so he was probably, like, in actually 10-15lbs or so heavier than his GPF weight vs how he’s portrayed in the anime in the comical fatty-fat-fatty sequences. Victor is also super cut but it looks like he’s always biking/skating when Yuri’s skating /probably spends a lot of time working out to keep that amount of muscle tone (he’s also clearly vain af so you better believe he is all about the gainz).

Body positivity about squishiness: And this is not in a pandering or condescending way. Victor is affectionately into Yuri’s squishy off-season tummy in the Yuri on Stage skit, and Yuri’s objections are only really that they’re in public and around other people while he’s playing with it. I always interpreted Victor’s saltiness about Yuri’s weight / forcing him to get back to his GPF weight when he first arrives in Hasetsu not as Victor actually caring about Yuri staying hot or not, but as Victor being a petty little bleep because he’s annoyed that he showed up just like Yuri asked and Yuri kind of ended up giving him a weird awkward cold shoulder instead of fucking him into the nearest mattress. And in any case, speaking of saltiness...

People can be petty af because they’re human: Victor is a lowkey asshole (the kind of person who’s so beautiful and talented they’ve been able to get away with just about anything because everyone gets blinded by lasers of HOT PERSON IS TALKING TO ME) but still immensely likeable. And Yuri is a lowkey asshole too- see his HAAAAH reaction to Victor’s baiting about past lovers, or his constant poking of Victor’s hair whorl. He’s really likeable too. Sometimes it’s ok to be petty af.

I really wish that a series like Yuri on Ice had been around in my formative years. One of the biggest reasons I love it so much is I feel like it can have such a positive influence on young people- on people who struggle with anxiety and depression, with people who struggle with simultaneously being on top of their game and not feeling good enough. More importantly, I think it gives a really great primer on the RIGHT way to be in love. My college best friend was a philosophy major and one of her professors once said in class “If it wasn’t for movies, no one would ever fall in love,” and looking back on toxic relationships I’ve been in and people I shouldn’t have slept with, it’s most likely I used tv and movies as a primer for what seemed like socially acceptable behaviour for love: tumultuous drama as PASSION, jealousy and possessiveness as being marked by a great love, sex as a substitute for emotional intimacy. Being older and wiser and through the gauntlet I know a lot more now about what’s good for me, but if I’d had something like Yuri on Ice back in my teens, I think I would have made some better decisions. So I’m glad a series like this is out there now. Hopefully it’ll make a new generation of young’uns (or even old’uns!) make better decisions than I did (well, most of them, anyway. I had a lot of fun, and you should too)

[peachyhyvck]

…SHOULD WE KNOW US A LITTLE BETTER TAG…

tagged by @sunny-feeling-9 thanks babe (’:

RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 ppl…

THE LAST: 1. Drink: water 2. Phone call: my brother called me and asked me to drop some stuff off at his friend’s house for him 3. Text message: I just pulled in! (to my mama) 4. Song you listened to: Young Dumb & Broke - Khalid

5. Time you cried: last night because I was watching a really sad youtube vid (Idk why???)

6. Dated someone twice: kinda? I mean we broke up for 3 hours then got back together... so idk if that counts or not.... 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: sadly, yeah //: 8. Been cheated on: nope (knock on wood......) 9. Lost someone special: my great grandma passed away when I was 9... that was fucking hard.... 10. Been depressed: when am I not 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: nah I don't drink 

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: blue, black & grey

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: yep! 16. Fallen out of love: nope 17. Laughed until you cried: pretty much every time I laugh 18. Found out someone was talking about you: yeah, my damn coworker !!! 19. Met someone who changed you: indeed (’: 20. Found out who your friends are: pretty much an ongoing thing for the past 3 years,,, 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: do my parents count ???

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: almost all of them 23. Do you have any pets: I have a dog (a Boston Terrier) named Buddy!

24. Do you want to change your name: nah, i'm good. I like my name! 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: spent the day at softball practice and celebrated with my family 26. What time did you wake up: 12pm oops 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: probably scrolling through Tumblr and listening to music 28. Name something you can’t wait for: my anxiety to calm the fuck down and let me be at peace for like,, a second (’: 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: literally 10 mins ago 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: not being lazy/stop procrastinating 31. What are you listening right now: Summer 127 - NCT 127 !!!! 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: omg yes and he’s the biggest fuckboy I've ever met.... 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: myself lmao 34. Most visited Website: tumblr and youtube 35. Elementary: finished 36. High School: gonna be a senior yo 37. College: jfc dont even talk about college to me rn 38. Haircolor: naturally dark brown but I've gotten blonde highlights and I think I'm gonna get more whoop whoop 39. Long or short hair: long (I look like an egg with short hair) 40. Do you have a crush on someone: does my bias count? 41. What do you like about yourself: my sense of humor, my ability to give good advice/make people feel better, and my caring/loving nature (’: 42. Piercings: my ears are pierced 43. Bloodtype: I'm actually not sure...?  44. Nickname: ali, al, aya, ayaboo, ayabee, aligal, aligirl, aligator, etc. 45. Relationship status: singleee 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: law & order: svu, king of queens, Chicago PD, golden girls, etc 49. Tattoos: none but I definitely want some in the future!

50. Right or left: right 51. Surgery: I got my tonsils and adenoids removed when I was in first grade 52. Piercing: didn't I just answer this ?? 53. Sport: softball/baseball 55. Vacation: South Korea or Italy 56. Pair of trainers: air jordans (I stole them from my brother lol)

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: W A T E R M E L O N !!!!!

58. Drinking: water, milk or apple snapple 59. I’m about to: try and get some of my damn requests done 61. Waiting for: me to stop stressing over every little thing in life and take a damn breath 62. Want: to be genuinely happy and stress-free 63. Get married: hopefully by mid to late twenties 64. Career: as of now I'm a hostess, but my dream job is to be a behavioral analyst (criminal profiler) for the FBI !!!

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: I'm a sucker for skinship so why not both (’: 66. Lips or eyes: well, I love a pretty smile, but if your eyes draw me in, I'm done for... so imma go with eyes 67. Shorter or taller: probs taller 68. Older or younger: hmmm older? tbh I don't really care about age. If I like ya, I like ya 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: honestly I could care less. I look at personality rather than appearance 71. Sensitive or loud: I'm gonna say both 72. Hook up or relationship: relationship, hands down 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: urrrr both, again?

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a stranger: nope 75. Drank hard liquor: Ive had champagne, but not hard liquor 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: yeah... 77. Turned someone down: yeah... a few different times.... and it makes me feel so bad omg 78. Sex in the first date: woah no thank you 79. Broken someones heart: I sure hope not ?? 80. Had your heart broken: at the time I thought so... but no lmao 81. Been arrested: no, thank god 82. Cried when someone died: yeah )’: 83. Fallen for a friend: yes... AND I STRONGLY ADVISE AGAINST IT !!!!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: at times.... but it’s a work in progress 85. Miracles: yeah, sure? 86. Love at first sight: ehh no 87. Santa Claus: ho ho no see what I did there (; 88. Kiss in the first date: sure, go ahead and lay one on me 89. Angels: very much so, yes (’:

OTHER: 90. Current best friends name: Aubrey and Adriana

91. Eyecolor: get ready... they’re mostly green, a little brown, with a grey rim on the outside, and on some days theres even a little bit of yellow in there, as well !!! 92. Favorite movie: oh god I have too many... if I had to pick one, probably Bad Boys 2 YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT IT’S SO DAMN FUNNY 

I’m tagging: @houseofvmin @rook-10 @jae-yoonie @mystic-astro-trash @b00mingsystem @chittaporno @thereisnofuckingreason @secretlymadeoutofcups @nctreacting @markhyuck-is-real-af @smoltaek

if you've already done this, or just don't want to, then ignore this and sorry for bothering you !!!

[koganphrancis]

Since Gotham Got A Season 4

I’m wondering if Cam will be a regular there and only be available to do a 3 episode guest stint on Shameless...I’d love to see it go something like this.

First nine episodes: Ian is never mentioned or referred to-but luckily there’s also zero Mickey bashing.  Sheila deletes her Twitter because all anyone ever asks her is if any part of Gallavich will be back.

Episode 10: Boring af run of the mill shenanigans for the first 48 minutes and then suddenly we’re transported from cold gray Chicago to a sweeping overhead shot of a nearly deserted beach with late afternoon sun and blue water.  Waves are gently rolling in. Zoom in on two people making out in the shallow surf, the water just hitting their toes and calves as the camera slowly pans up their entangled naked bodies till finally we see Ian and Mickey kissing passionately. 

“We are not banging on the beach again, Gallagher.  It takes forever to get the sand out of my ass,” Mickey sort of grumbles as Ian’s hips start rolling more insistently.

“Okay, how ‘bout I blow you here and we bang at the hacienda?” Ian says, and, since there’s no poster to pan to, we finally get to see his red hair between Mickey’s glorious thick thighs.  End of episode.

Episode 11 is spent entirely in Mexico.  We open with Mickey and Ian bursting into their house, towels wrapped around their waists, their hair wet, they’re kissing furiously.  Off camera we hear a dog whimpering and scratching.  

“Has that dog been out yet?” Mickey says loudly.

A door opens down a short hallway and a little cute mutt, one of the Henckels, and a woman walk out of a room and towards Mickey and Ian.  Everyone is all smiles.

“I took Frito out when I got home from school,” Yevgeny says proudly.

“Good job, little man,” Mickey smiles, then looks at the woman.  “Was Yev good today, Graciela?”

“He always is,” she says, smiling affectionately at the boy.  “I’ll see you all tomorrow.”  She leaves. 

“I’m gonna grab a quick shower, gotta wash the sunscreen off,” Mickey says, giving Ian a smoldering look.    

Ian, Yev, and the dog go to the small kitchen and Ian starts pulling stuff out of the fridge. 

“What’s for supper tonight, Papa?” Yev asks.

“Fish tacos.”

“Yay, Daddy’s favorite!” Yev yells.

After supper, while Mickey gives Yev a bath and reads him a bedtime story, Ian takes out a beat up laptop and we hear him in voiceover as he types an email.

“Hi Fi-Lip keeps messaging me that you’re on his ass to tell you where I am.  I’m sending this to tell you to please stop.  I’m fine and I’m not ever coming back so just drop it, okay?  I’ve waited to write to you because I wanted to be able to tell you my life is so great that even you can’t find fault with it-and it is.  My meds are working, I have a good job, a place to live, and I’m in love and have the love of a wonderful man and we have a family here.  I got a job as a physician’s assistant at a clinic that mostly treats English speaking tourists and transplants and there’s an interpreter who works there when I get a patient who only speaks...the language here.  I realized early on being an EMT here wouldn’t work out unless I was fluent in their language, so I found this job which has the added benefits of less stress and regular hours.  

My boyfriend (you know I won’t use his name for a reason) also has a great job.  Believe it or not, he drives a boat to take tourists parasailing.  He learned how to swim when he got down here and had the job by the time I showed up.  He’s popular with his customers and bosses and makes lots of extra money in tips.  You know from Lip his ex sent his son to him and we’re all doing great.  He forgave me faster than I ever thought possible, because he loves me.  All your talk that he’d set a match to my life-as always, he’s the only thing in my life that makes sense and makes me happy.  It’s because of him I have a life worth living.

Please just let me go, Fiona.  Lip can get in touch with me if there’s ever an emergency, but I know you all get along without me.  Be happy for me, and concentrate on your own life.

Love, Ian”

Ian’s just closing the laptop as Mickey softly shuts the door to Yevgeny’s room and comes to place a hand on Ian’s shoulder.

“I believe you owe me a bang,” he says with a cocky smirk, and Ian stands up, staring into his eyes the whole time, and they walk into their room which is on the other side of the small beach shack.  

We finally get a full beginning to end love scene, from Mickey peeling off his faded pink sleeveless T shirt that says “MEXICO” in rainbow letters and Ian pulling his tank top off from the back collar, to lying down face to face, to countless kisses and I love yous, to a hot and heavy climax, to Ian rolling off Mickey and more kissing.

The next morning Mickey wakes up, spooned by the still sleeping Ian.  He gently extricates himself and sits on the side of the bed and runs his fingers through Ian’s hair.  Then he pulls on some boxers (insert a glorious ass shot here) and putters out to the kitchen, flipping on the coffee maker on the way by.  He walks into Yev’s room.  Yev’s still asleep, the mutt curled up at his feet looks up when the door opens and thumps his tail a couple of times.  Mickey gives the dog a scratch behind his ears and then runs his fingers through Yevgeny’s hair exactly as he had with Ian.  

“Hey, sleepy face, time to get up.  We gotta get you fed and over to Graciela’s.” Yevgeny wakes up with a smile and wraps his arms around Mickey’s neck and kisses him on the cheek.  

“Is Papa up?” 

“The coffee will wake him up, come on,” Mickey says, lifting Yev.  They walk out to the kitchen, Frito following them.  Mickey’s pulling coffee mugs out of a cabinet over the sink, still holding Yev in his other arm, when Ian walks in.  

“Morning,” he mumbles, kissing Yev on the cheek and then kissing Mickey on the mouth, his hand still on Yev’s shoulder.  The room is bathed in sunlight and they’re all serenely happy.  

The rest of the episode is just a day in their life-Mickey being sassy with clients, Ian being helpful at the clinic, Yev at his preschool drawing a picture of Mickey, Ian, Frito, and himself on a boat that they hang up on the fridge when they all get home that evening.  They snuggle up on the couch after dinner to watch some TV and try to pick up some more Spanish.  Mickey already swears fluently in his adopted tongue.  We get another love scene to make up for all the ones they still owe us.  Ian bottoms and they reminisce about the time Mickey topped for the first time-long before Ian went into the army.  

Episode 12: Series finale (since the ratings were in the crapper all season until Noel and Cameron and the Henckel twins showed up).  It’s mostly the other Gallaghers being their usual not very nice selves juxtaposed against a final look at the trio in Mexico-and their dog-living the good life.  

[holsthoughts]

t h r e e

this post, entirely about gabbie hanna. which is very fitting considering i associate the number three with her.

where to start? i suppose at the beginning. that being september 2016.

i don't remember exactly when but sometime before drop the mic tour i fell in love with her videos, and i mean i fell fuckin hard lol. i just connected to her on a way i didn't really understand as a just-turned-sixteen-year-old girl. anyway, the first video i remember being posted after i started stanning was ‘how social media ruins relationships’ a dance video, that gabbie rarely posts but has stuck with me as my first proper memory of her. and the beginning of something mad.

if anyone reading this doesn't know gabbie (hi, were have u been?) she's a youtuber. she's the gal in my icon <3 not only is she a youtuber she's also. musician (currently with six (technically 7) songs out and an album called ‘this time next year’ on the way), author (of adultolescence which reached number 3 (three, see?) on the New York times bestseller list, with book two on the way also), illustrator (of said ny times bestselling book and various other designs), tv host (for a while on the revamped TRL) and so much more but of course i'm biased and could go o forever so i'll leave it there.

after deciding to subscribe and do the general social media stalk of and internet personality of someone i’ve just found i was obsessed and over two years later, still am <3

i changed my twitter @ to a gabbie fan account, made friends (with some of the most amazing people) and just felt so at home. sounds crazy but it was like something clicked and not only did i fall in love with gabbie, i also fell in love with her community.

january 2017; something past 2am, i'm awake for some apparent reason and gabbie goes live on live.ly (i know, long ago) of course i join and this is where I got my first gabbie notice (which i know isn't everything but it was something so heartwarming knowing that after a couple months she saw me) she did this emoji game where she’d act out an emoji and the first person to correctly guess and send it in the chat would be ‘best friended’. in this stream she also announced that she’d be coming to london for summer in the city.

summer in the city is a video convention in the uk (obv) in august, this was suuucchhh a big deal as i was already planning to go and the fact that she’d be there was the BEST feeling ever. in the time between she announced and it finally came around i got my follow from her on twitter (which also has a cute story behind it - i made a deal with my step dad, if I got an A in any of my january exams (which i was getting the results for on March 3rd) he would buy me my ticket to sitc. so of course i was v nervous, went to bed - or at least tried to - the night before and work up on the third to gabbie’s follow, which probably doesn't sound like a big deal so literally everyone else ever but it just felt like a lil ‘good luck, u got this’ from her which meant frickin everything. so i got an A, therefore got my ticket and was so ready for august.

august 2017; the fourth of august, my mam, joel and i set off to london on the mega bus. me excited as anything as i was on my way to london after not having gone for about 6 years, getting ready to see three of my best pals (who i was meeting for the first time the next day because of gabbie) and also preparing myself to see gab irl for the first time ever. right as i saw about to try and sleep i got a message from a twitter mutual of a video of gabbie saying hi to me after they’d met her at their hotel lobby, i lost my mind and couldn't sleep after, naturally. the fifth of august, i got up in a shitty ibis budget hotel room in barking early af to get ready and make sure i looked presentable to go to the excel (which was an hour away on the tube, nightmare), went to breakfast and was too nervous to eat lmao (not like me AT ALL) and then we were off. i met chaz first, then eli then toni who where the best company that weekend and i'm so grateful for them. we waited two hours at main stage for the comedy panel to be able to get front row to see gabbie at her first sitc 2017 panel which was crazy emotional. i screamed, laughed, cried (yes, cried) and lost my fucking mind at gabbie literally jumping off the fucking stage and run over to chaz (who i was standing next to) and hugged her and then toni. frickin insane dude. we had such a good day and were all buzzing to se meeting gabbie the next day. the sixth of august, maybe my favourite day of my entire life <3 we ended up leaving the hotel late which wasn't fun considering gabbie had a panel at 12 and of course we wanted to get front row. chaz managed to get there first and toni and i joined her, the doors opened and we (along with the 15 others who also wanted front row ran to the queue, literally RAN and i do not run usually, sis made an exception for my fave <3 anyway we got front row and eli (who was late) sat behind us and we watched gab so sooo well. she kept looking over at us and making cute faces, looking right fuckin at us whilst mentioning her community and projects etc. and she done so fuckin well when hazel hayes (a knob) literally came for her for absolutely no reason, which tuned into a joke lol. next, another main stage panel which we got to second row for since we were late as the schedule didn't have that panel on it LOL (ty for that sitc) next, my fave part, getting legend herself<333 toni and eli went earlier than chaz and i because they had to leave early. chaz and i tried to wait until last but some bitchy af girls were doing the same and we heard that she might have to leave early so joined the queue. meeting her; my favourite moment ever. has went first and i stood recording until gabbie says to chaz “ya who’s the rest of the squad” making me lose me mind internally LOL, i knew she knew about us since chaz had dm’ed her saying and gab had said that she was looking out for us in the crowd of panels AWW. chaz said about how eli and toni had come earlier and then said “so its just me and holly left” and at that moment gabbie looked at me, right into my fucking soul and said “hi holly!” and opened her arms to me <333 OUCH IM SOFT. she was and still is the best. we had a cute AF lil convo where she told the security (because they were looking at us stupid bc of how excited we all were and also bc she spent so much longer with us than anyone else lmao) that chaz an i “are twitter icons” which i died at ouchie. she then complemented my hair (which i’d dyed purple and blue to match hers - cringe, yes - to then find out she dyed hers blonde a week before london LMAO of course. i told her how i also got my nose pierced bc of her and she told me “you gotta do all these now” showing me her ears that had SIX new piercings that she’d got for a vid that wasn't out at the time, saying “next time i see you, next year, you better have five” which of course i did literally five days after meeting her lol, love that for me, even though i didn't see her the next year (ouch)

skipping a lot but gabbie truly means so so much to me, and this for sure won't be the last time i do a post about her. she truly deserves the world <3

- h