#hi applebees mutuals ily

[actual-changeling]

i listened to the hamilton soundtrack and ended up with a visceral reaction to "it's quiet uptown" and this is the result. may or may not be turned into a full fic at some point.

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Joel tells Ellie the truth about what happened in Salt Lake City and she pushes him away, angry, unable to process it, so she puts as much distance between them as possible. Joel is at a loss of what to do, unable to think, work, anything, and he just ends up walking around Jackson for hours. Tommy is worried, watching him become tired and losing the glow he had gained since coming back, but there is nothing he can do to help. He can't sit around in a house that is full of Ellie, a stray sweatshirt over the back of his couch, elastics scattered over every surface, her books on the coffee table; his heart crumbles whenever he looks around and sees the evidence of what he has lost.

So he walks, quietly at first, but then he starts talking to himself to fill the silence following him around, a silence Ellie used to fill. It's whatever is on his mind, musing about taking up wood working, playing the guitar again, but eventually he ends up talking to Ellie, to Sarah, trying to process.

Days pass like this, Joel walking around Jackson until his knees ache too much to keep going, whittling away in his bedroom once his legs give out, falling asleep in a quiet, empty house, and without Ellie's light, he feels himself slowly wither away and cannot bring himself to care.

It's an accident the first time it happens, they are going in the same direction at the same time, and moving away would mean acknowledging each other, something Ellie refuses to do, so they walk. They are side by side with several feet of space between them for two very, very awkward minutes before they part, and Joel thinks about those two minutes for the rest of the day; hearing her breathe, live next to him sparks a naive hope in his chest.

A few days later, it happens again, a handful of minutes spent walking in the same direction, both pretending the other isn't there (for her, he does it for her, if she let him he would turn toward her and never look away).

Then it happens again. And again. And again. It stops being an accident, and no matter how hard he tries, Joel can't help but watch the sprout of hope grow and grow.

Ellie joins him for a few minutes each day, just walking with him before turning around a corner to go to whatever he goal is that day, not that Joel would know. After a week of five minute walks each day, she eventually opens her mouth, says something stupid, small talk, commenting on the weather like you would with a neighbour, a stranger.

Joel almost trips and falls flat on his face because Ellie is talking to him and the sound of her voice smooths out some of the lines etched into his skin. So he talks to her about the weather, soaking in her presence, and they keep walking for a little while, five minutes, ten. When they part, Ellie looks at him and Joel keeps his gaze on path, her face blurry in his periphery. She is not fully smiling just yet, and quietly says see you tomorrow.

Small talk turns into her telling him about her day, minutes adding up more and more with each passing day, and Joel carefully tells her about the trinkets and guitars he is carving, simple, easy topics that don't hurt. Joel breathes easier during those conversations, sleeps better, eats more again, and no longer feels like a giant part of him is missing.

After about two weeks, she reaches out a hand to stop him when she is about to leave, fingers brushing against his arm, and Joel immediately freezes, not daring to move or breathe. Ellie hesitates before gently squeezing his shoulder and leaving with a see you tomorrow, Joel and this time she is smiling.

Their walks become longer, and at some point, Ellie gives him an almost worried look, their eyes still avoiding each other in an unspoken agreement, and they sit down. She noticed his knee is hurting despite Joel attempting to push through it, his walking pattern changing enough for her to pick up on it, and they sit with a foot of space between them on a bench and just watch people move by. Joel puts his hand in the space between them, not even on purpose, his body just reaching out to her on reflex, and Ellie's hand inches closer to his.

She doesn't look at him, pinkies brushing when she pushes her hand closer, and they haven't talked today, not really, and Joel swallows the disappointment, longing to hear her voice but refusing to push, scared to break the fragile trust blooming between them. Joel looks at her while she looks at the sky and hears her say I never hated you. I want to try, I think, to forgive you for what you did.

Her hand is resting on his and she squeezes it before standing up, leaving him with tears threatening to spill over, and when she looks back at him she is smiling, a sad smile but a smile, tears running down his cheeks the next time he blinks, almost fearing that she will disappear. Joel watches her leave with the sun shining in his chest and a whispered thank you to the universe for, somehow, granting him a third chance after everything he has done.

The next afternoon, just when Joel is about to leave for his daily walk with Ellie, someone knocks on his door and he almost passes out because she is waiting for him, looking mildly uncomfortable, eyes everywhere but on him, and she mumbles I thought we could go to the stables today. Joel says yes because he would follow her to the end of the world and back, the stables are nothing compared to that,

They take care of Shimmer together, talking. The awkwardness gradually bleeds away, slowly, and by the end, Ellie stands so close her side is almost completely pressed against his, the warmth radiating from her expelling the ice weighing down his bones.

Joel looks at her, and for the first time, she looks back.

I thought, Joel says, and he is scared, so fucking scared, because this is Ellie and he needs her, I thought I could teach you how to play the guitar. I made one for you, he doesn't say, not yet, and Ellie takes his hand, says I would like that, and that night Joel cries because he knows she is finally coming back to him.

They sit on the porch that next afternoon, Ellie next to him, no more space between them, and he teaches her how to hold the guitar, how to place her fingers for the different chords, and just watches her play with it and figure it out for herself. His cheeks hurting with how hard he is smiling, and when he hears her laugh his chest constricts so badly he stops breathing for a while, heart swelling with a please, let me have this, please, let me have her.

Ellie lowers the guitar toward the end, and he made that one for her, too, but he still doesn't say.

You know, she bites her lip, nervous, but she looks at him. I was so angry at you for taking my purpose away. I thought dying in that hospital would have finally made my life mean something. But I think. I understand why you did it. And honestly, this is way better than being dead. Joel wipes away his tears, nodding softly, and he knows there is nothing he could tell her she doesn't already know.

She puts the guitar down and stands up, and Joel does too, and she hugs him for the first time in months, her body still fitting against his exactly the same way, holding her just as tightly as she holds him. His heart stitches itself back together and she leaves him with a see you tomorrow and a silent thank you. The house no longer looks quite as dark when he goes to bed that night.

Joel teaches her how to play the guitar, evening after evening, and they take all the strings and loose ends Ellie cut and knot them back together, weaving the fabrics of their souls back into one, a patchwork blanket that remembers where it was ripped apart but wraps around both of them just fine. After two weeks of light returning to his chest, his house slowly morphing back into a home with new shirts left hanging over kitchen chairs and fresh sheets on her bed, Joel hands Ellie her guitar with a soft I made it for you, finally no longer fearing the confession might drive her away.

Ellie just smiles, leaning against him with her head resting above his heart, his arm settling around her shoulders, and says I know.

[autisticlancemcclain]

my friend @beloveddawn-blog helpfully sent me a list of questions to help me get my creative juices flowing in this massive bout of writing struggles i got going on. ily mwah.

1. Do you prefer in-denial Lance or pining Lance? How about Keith?

basic cop-out answer but it changes from fic to fic. in a more comedic fic, i like to go for lance who is both pining AND in-denial, aka he knows he’s in love and is mad at it, or i like to make keith like so painfully oblivious to lances blatant PLEASE DATE MEs that it’s funny. generally tho i go for gooey whipped mutual pining.

2. Do you prefer Keith to be baffled by Lance's flirting or just baffled Lance is flirting with him?

baffled that lance is flirting with him. the I Do Not Deserve To Be Loved -complex is my favourite complex to give keith bc i have problems and he’s just so easy to blorbo

3. What's your favourite episode and why?

i’m gonna be so real with you voltron was so bad that once i finished s6 at like 15 yrs old i vowed never to watch it again 💀💀 six years later this vow holds true. however i remember liking the first episode, the mermaid episode, the space mall episode, and the episode where keith chases lotor in the black lion and lance is like dude you fucked up. dumbass. but he’s very obviously fond and he’s THERE and they’re gonna fix it together and that is the first time keith realises that lance fully and completely has his back. that is the moment he fell in love to me

4. What's your favourite character beat and why?

i don’t know what a character beat is BUT i am a lance stan as you may have guessed. interestingly, i used to watch voltron with my siblings and as with all character things we did together, we each picked a favourite and then only that one character was allowed to be your favourite. lance was picked before i could pick him but i got keith (and thus have the most merch of him). and honestly….keith is kind of my favourite i never stop thinking about him and also i write in his pov the most (granted, about lance lol).

5. What's your favourite line you've ever written.

oh that’s a hard one! not to toot my own horn or anything but i’ve had some stellar lines, at least i think. i have a lot of lines that are profound or whatever but to this day i’m proudest of the “i’m anaemic” “oh i didn’t know you had an eating disorder” line like i made myself laugh out loud 💀

6. What's your favourite fic you've ever written

eighty percent of my fics are my faves bc i write to indulge myself lol. BUT i’m rly super proud of my look so good longfic, i love the applebees universe, and the beauty and the beast au is dear to me. i’m also obsessed with this fic that only exists in my head bc i have typed nothing yet. it’s a theatre school taming of the shrew au.

7. What is your favourite type of AU? Do you prefer complete AUs (like BatB) or detail AUs (that angsty thing you wrote where Lance leaves after the game show)?

i love modern aus really. i’m a fan of the mundane. as a close second i like redoing movies/songs/books that aren’t usually au’ed. and i like complete aus WAY better, i just have trouble actually completing them 😭😭