#hey patrick who's that under the mistletoe?
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
Hey Patrick, who's that under the mistletoe? 🎄🌞👉
40 notes
·
View notes
Photo
93 notes
·
View notes
Text
Slashers Toy Story!AU
Or, *cough* a way for me to write out a buncha funny Incorrect Quotes and smoosh two things I love together.
Woody: Jason Voorhees
Buzz Lightyear: Michael Myers
Jessie: Ghostface
Prospector/Stinky Pete: Roman Bridger
Bo Peep and Ham: Freddy Krueger
Mr Potato Head: Chucky / Charles Lee Ray
Mrs Potato Head: Tiffany Valentine
Slinky: Carrie White
Rex: Bubba Sawyer
Barbie: Jennifer Check
Ken: Patrick Bateman
Lotso-'O'-Huggin' Bear: Sheriff Hoyt / Charlie Hewitt. Was gonna be Bo, but Hoyt just fits way better. Plus he has Thomas.
Chuckles: Monty
Big Baby: Thomas hewitt
The Chatter Telephone: Luda Mae Hewitt
Also, Sunnydale Daycare: Ambrose. Because why not.
*I'm thing the kids in Toy Story are the fanbase and creators of the Slashers in this AU. Like, Andy and Bonnie are the original creators that make up the canon stuff and created them to be the infamous characters we all know- and Sid is us fan-people that twist and distort the characters for our own pleasure, haha XD *
An abundance of Incorrect Quotes bellow the cut!
Chucky: *With all the features on his face mismatched*
Chucky: Hey Freddy, look! I'm Picasso!
Freddy: ... yeah, I don't get it. *Leaves*
Chucky: *what... * You uncultured swine!! *Shakes his fist at Freddy's retreating back. That was a good fucking joke, goddamn.*
~
Michael: *Writing down on whiteboard:* Excuse me... I think the word you're searching for is
THE SHAPE.
Jason: *Already so done with this edgy boy's bullshit*
Jason: *Moves attention to his own whiteboard, starts writing*
Jason: *Shows board*
NO. The word I'm 'searching for', I cant say, because there are preschool toys present.
*Gestures ferociously to Carrie and Bubba.*
~
Jason: *Ughhhh. Shows board that he frantically wrote on:* Its not a KNIFE! Its a little stick of plastic!!
Freddy: What's wrong with him??
Chucky: Knife envy~
Freddy: Ah been there
~
Jason and Michael: *Watching Dr Loomis give psychology advice*
Jason and Michael: *Slowly tilting their heads sceptically, in unison*
Michael: *Holds up board for Jason to read:* ... I don't think that man has ever been to medical school.
~
Jason: *Trying to get Michael to help him. Writes passive aggressively on board and shoves the thing in Michael's view:* Would you give me a hand!???
Michael: *Fucking slices his own arm off and chucks it at Jason*
Look, he's having a bad day...
~
Freddy: *Sneaks up on Jason and digs his fingers into the giants sides*
Jason: *Whips around and cracks Freddy in the face from shock*
Jason: *Realises its just Freddy as the other groans and holds his nose, and looks a little guilty. Oh, Freddy. Writes on board and shows him:* There's gotta be a less painful way to get my attention.
Freddy: Agh- Fucking- Merry Christmas, hockey puck!
Jason: *Catches sight of something above them, tilts his head. Writes and shows board:* Isn't that mistletoe?
Freddy: *A slow, creepy grin rips across his face* Yep.
~ Toy Stoy 2~
Jason: *Frantically holding up a board:* Michael! I was a yo-yo!
Freddy and Chucky: *Look at each other*
Chucky: 'Was'?
~
*Michael and the others watching a dude try to buy Jason and failing.*
Michael: *Thinking: Mm, now just walk away.*
Man: *Follows after where Jason went.*
Michael: *Thinking: ... the other way.*
~
*After Jason has been stolen- everyone is panicking*
Michael: *Stomping his foot, trying to gather these psychopaths' attentions. Wait a minute! Wait, hold on! When he semi has their attention, he shows a piece of paper with writing on it:* This is not time to be hysterical.
Freddy: Its the perfect time to be hysterical.
Bubba: *Gasp. Should we be hysterical!?*
Carrie: *Tries to calm Bubba down, a hand on his arm and voice gentle* No-
Chucky: Yes.
Michael: *Thinking: ... well, maybe*
~
Freddy: Give this to Jason when you find him
Freddy: *SMACKS MICHAEL UPSIDE THE HEAD*
Michael: ... *Holds up board* Alright. But I don't think it'll mean the same thing coming from me.
~
Freddy: *Up ahead* Hey guys! Why did the toys cross the road!?
Michael: *But rolls his eyes. Not now bacon bits.*
Bubba: *Perks up and waives. Oh! He loves riddles. Why?*
Freddy: To get to the chicken... on the other side!
*They all look out and celebrate, seeing where Jason was being kept hostage... but then realise how dangerous getting across will be as a giant fricken truck careens by and crushes a can the same size as them*
Bubba: ... *Promptly turns around and starts walking back the way they came. Oh well. We tried-*
Michael: *Grabs Bubba back*
~
Jennifer: I can help! I'm Tour Guide Jen!
Jennifer: Please keep your hands, arms and accessories inside the car, and no flash photography! Thanks.
Chucky: -I'm a married man, I'm married man, I'm married man-
Freddy: *Shoves Chucky out of the way* Then make room for the single fellas.
~
Michael: *Ugh. Writes on board:* They're on level 23.
Carrie: How are we gonna get up there?
Bubba: *Gestures to balloons, then up to the sky. Meaning: Maybe if we find some balloons, we could float to the top!*
Chucky: Are you kidding? I say we stack ourselves up, push the intercom, and pretend we're delivering a pizza.
Freddy: How bout a roast? *Grins*
Freddy: *Assesses Chucky and Carrie in turn* With tenderised pig and a slaughtered lamb as sides.
Chucky: Hold the fuck up did you just call me a pig- and a side-
Carrie: What?
Bubba: Oh! Oh! *Pats his chest excitedly. Do him! What about me??*
Freddy: ... Eh, you can be the toy that comes with the meal.
~
*Michael does something to get them all hurt and doesn't to care at all, of course. Just moves on.*
Chucky: Remind me to glue his mask on his head when we get back.
Freddy: *Nods, yep*
~
Chucky:*Embracing Tiffany after having been away saving Jason*
Glen and Glenda: You saved our lives! We're eternally grateful!
Chucky: Oh, fuck...
Tiffany: You saved their lives, Chucky?? Oh, my hero.
Tiffany: *Immediately drops Chucky in favour of picking up the babies* And they're adorable! Lets adopt them!
Chucky: *Thinking: What? No- Absolutely not- Don't say tha-*
Glen and Glenda: Daaaaddy!
Chucky: Fuck.
~Toy Story 3~
Jason: *Holds up a sign as he stands there menacingly with his machete:* You got a date with justice, Charles.
Chucky: Heh, too bad, 'sheriff'. I'm a married man.
Tiffany: *Comes out screaming, wielding goddamn nun chucks*
~
Michael: *Eyes narrow behind mask, slowly holds up sign he prepared earlier:* Bastard son of a hundred maniacs.
Freddy: Hah. That's Mr Bastard son of a hundred maniacs, to you!
~
*The toys/Slashers watch some toys, including Jennifer and her car get thrown in the donation bin*
Ghostface: Oh, man, poor Jen.
Freddy: ... I get the corvette.
~
Tiffany: Its alright, Jen, it'll be okay.
Jennifer: Well... Needy and I have been growing apart for a while...
Jennifer: Its just... I cant believe she would kill me!
Chucky: *Who's 'best friend till the end'/victim also killed him* Yeah. Welcome to the club, toots.
~
Hoyt: They just love new toys, don't they?
Chucky: Love!? We've been chewed, kicked, drooled on-
Tiffany: Just look at my nails!
Hoyt: ... Hm. Well, here's the thing, sweetheart. You aint leavin' Ambrose.
Tiffany: *Thinking: Oh fuck no he did not just- * Sweetheart!? Who do you think you're talking to!? I have over 10 kills, and I deserve more respec-
Hoyt: *Covers Tiffany's mouth with his hand* Ah, that's better.
Chucky: *Thinking: I'm going to fuck this douche up- * Hey, no one takes my wife's mouth. *Shoves Hoyt back off her by the chest* 'Cept me.
~
*Hoyt and Thomas bring Chucky back from 'The Box'. He's more fucked up looking then usual, sand all through his hair and stuck to his plastic features. He shakes it out of his pockets.*
Tiffany: *Gasp* Sweetheart!
Chucky: Eugh... it was cold. And dark. Nothin' but sand and a couple of Lincoln logs.
Freddy: Ehhh... I don't think those were Lincoln logs.
~
Ghostface: I was wrong...
Chucky:
Chucky: Ghostface is right. He was wrong.
~
Jennifer: *Fake cries*
~
Chucky: *Slaps a Pidgeon*
~
*Trying to reset Michael back to his former settings/self (The one that knows them and therefore will maybe-perhaps-possibly not kill them*
Freddy: Oh- oh- oh, here we go. there should be a little hole under the switch.
Jason: *Little hole little hold little hole- Nods. Got it!*
Freddy: To reset your Michael Myers action figure, insert paper clip-
Jason: *Sharply turns to Bubba, urging him to put his finger in the hole quickly*
Freddy: Caution; Do not hold button for more then five seconds...
Michael: *Suddenly stops thrashing and goes slack*
Everyone: ...
Bubba: *Jumps off him, holding up his hands. Its not my fault!!*
~
Michael, on Spanish Mode: *Gives Jason two sweet kisses on either cheek*
Jason: *Awkwardly, slowly holds up sign:* We gotta switch him back.
~
Ghostface: Oh! Mikey!!
Michael, still on Spanish Mode: *Sees Ghostface*
Michael: *Drops to his knees, gathers up Ghostface's hand*
Michael: *Looks up at Ghostface in utter awe and admiration*
Ghostface: *Freaken freaked out. Shouldn't he be the creepy one in this outfit? Leans away* Uhh... did you fix Michael?
Freddy: Uh, sorta. I mean I for one think this is a huge improvement.
~
Michael, STILL on Spanish Mode: *Does a dance of feelings around Ghostface, wanting to express himself*
Ghostface: What- why- please stop I'm gonna pee myself- Of laughter or fear I have no idea but I WILL PEE
Michael: *Grabs and dips Ghostface, and holds up a sign* We will be the most famous killers in history, together.
Ghostface: *Thinking: Oh I can get behind that, hell yeah- *
Jason: *Arrives*
Ghostface: Oh- *Scrambles out of Michaels hold* JASE!
Michael: *Watches them move on together* *Throws down the sign*
Freddy: I suddenly feel disgusting, like... I somehow ended up in some kinda... love-square, of some kind...
~
Jason: *Nicely gestures for Michael to give him some help*
Michael, stillllllll on Spanish mode: *Sniffs his nose at Jason's hand, shoving him out of the way with one arm like no thank you.*
~
Jennifer: Authority should derive from the consent of the governed. Not from the threat of force! // Or, alternatively which I think fits a whole lot better- // I am not going to stand back here and let another fucking old white guy tell me what the fuck to do!
Chucky and Freddy, two old white guys: *Look at each other*
Chucky:
Freddy:
Chucky and Freddy: *Shrug*
And that's it seeing as I don't really wanna see Toy Story 4. I hope you enjoyed this silly thing with me at least a little XD
Okay so I got a little attached in the end.
#Slashers Toy Story!AU#Toy Story!AU#Slashers#Horror Villains#Incorrect Quotes#IQs#Chucky#Charles Lee Ray#Chucky x Tiffany#Tiffany Valentine#Chiffany#Freddy Krueger#Jason Voorhees#Freddy x Jason#Frason#Jennifer Check#Bubba Sawyer#Carrie White#Ghostface#Michael Myers#Glenn Ray#Glenda Ray#Freddy Krueger x Jason Voorhees#Charles Lee Ray x Tiffany Valentine#Chucky x Tiffany Valentine#Jason Voorhees x Freddy Krueger#Toy Story#Toy Story 2#Toy Story 3
118 notes
·
View notes
Text
Twelve Days of Christmas Challenge Day 5 - Patrick Stump
Pairing: Patrick Stump x Gender Neutral Reader Rating: None Requested By: None Word Count: ~1,100 Author’s Note: Points if you can name the Dashboard Confessional song I was inspired by during the writing of this story! I used the prompts “You’re under the mistletoe so stop stalling and just kiss.” and“I guess… this is when we kiss?” and “You’re perfectly welcome to kiss whomever you wa–”
You had just arrived at your friend Christine's house for the Christmas party she was throwing. The place was full of people, and you could hear the music before you got in the door. When you got inside, you found Christine to say hello. She was sitting on the lap of her boyfriend Pete.
"(YN)!" She grinned jumping up and wrapping you in a hug.
"Hey!" You said returning the hug. "Hey Pete, how's it going?"
"Good. Gang's all here now," he said with a cocky smile.
"Wait, you mean…"
Christine rolled her eyes and waved off Pete. "Ignore him, it's not like you're gonna get stuck under the mistletoe with Patrick."
It was your turn to roll your eyes. You liked Pete. And Andy and Joe. But there was something about Patrick. You two never seemed to get along quite right. Even when you both agreed on a topic, it still felt like you were at odds. Pete swore up and down that there was no bad blood from Patrick, but you couldn't help but be annoyed with him, as he always seemed annoyed at you.
"Where did you hide the mistletoe?" You asked looking around suspiciously.
"That's for me to know, and you to maybe find out!" Christine winked at you before plopping down on Pete's lap again.
You wrinkled your nose and shook your head as you made your way to the kitchen for a drink. You greeted your friends that were assembled there and after chatting for a bit, you decided to head back into the living room to talk to Christine again. You didn't notice as you started through the doorway that Patrick was coming through from the other direction.
"Stop!" You heard Christine shout.
"What?" You asked looking around, concerned about what was happening.
"Look up!" She grinned.
Your eyes went wide as you realized what was happening. You looked up and then at Patrick. "Oh come on," you groaned.
"Seriously?" Patrick whined.
"Yep, you gotta!" Pete grinned.
“You’re under the mistletoe so stop stalling and just kiss," Christine argued. You glared at her in response. "The longer you stall, the longer you have to kiss!"
"What?!" You shouted. "That's not how this works."
"It's my house, it works like I say it does!"
"You don't have to," Patrick said quietly, which surprised you, as you hadn't ever heard him talk to you so softly. You turned to look at him, startled to see he seemed disappointed.
"No, its ok, I can play along," you said taking a deep breath as you squared yourself up to him. "I guess this is when we kiss?”
"Are you sure?" He asked.
You nodded. "Let's do this."
“You know you’re perfectly welcome to kiss whomever you wa–” he started but you cut him off by leaning in and pressing your lips against his.
At first he stiffened in surprise, before relaxing and kissing you back. Then to your surprise, his hands found your waist and you were leaning into him.
After a moment you became conscious of the cheering and lewd remarks being shouted at you and Patrick by other drunk party guests and you quickly pulled back. Before you knew what you were doing, you were pushing through the crowd and rushing to the safety of Christine's room. You hurried inside and shut the door behind you as you sank onto her bed.
You didn't understand. Patrick always seemed to dislike you, to be annoyed when you came around, like he wanted to get away from you. You kissed him to get Christine and Pete off your back, but then you felt something from him. He kissed you back. He didn't have to, but he did, he kissed you like he meant it. And then he put his hands on your waist. And you liked it.
You were snapped from your thoughts by a knock at the door. "(YN)?" You heard Patrick say from the other side.
"Yea, come in."
Patrick walked in and shut the door behind him. "I just wanted to say sorry for… that."
"I'm just so confused. You act like I annoy the crap out of you and then when I kissed you, you kissed me back. Like, you didn't have to, but you did Patrick!"
"I know."
"So," you said shrugging dramatically. "What the hell?"
"I'm sorry, it's just," he paused for a moment and bit his lip. "It's just that I really like you, and I try to convince myself that you're annoying because I know you'd never go for a guy like me."
"What, a guy who is cute and talented?" You snapped, realizing your tone was harsher than you intended making your compliment seem like an insult. "Sorry. But it's true, you are. And I would."
"Seriously?" He asked skeptically.
"Yea," you shrugged. "You just never gave me a chance."
"Sorry," he muttered again, looking down at his shoe that was kicking at the corner of Christine's rug.
"So take your chance."
Patrick looked up. "What?"
"Would you like to go out sometime Patrick?"
"Yea," he beamed. "And I really wanna kiss you again."
"Then do it," you smiled, standing up as he closed the distance between you. He again put his hands on your waist, and he bit his lip again. For a moment you held your breath, certain that he must have been messing with you, that he wasn't about to kiss you.
"(YN)," he said your name in the same soft tone that he used when told you you didn't have to kiss him before. It pulled you from your thoughts and you were looking into his blue eyes.
"Yea?" you breathed and his lips were on yours gently, but when you didn't pull away, he started to kiss you deeper. You put your hand on his chest and as the intensity grew, your fingers grasped at the material of his shirt, clutching at it like a lifeline.
You parted your lips to deepen the kiss, an invitation that he accepted. Then you took a step back toward the bed behind you, pulling him along. Just as the back of your legs hit the bed frame the door burst open.
"Oh, sorry didn't know this room was taken," the guy grimaced while the girl under his arm giggled. They closed the door behind them as they went to find somewhere else to hook up.
"Do you wanna go back down to the party?” Patrick asked.
“Sure, we can pick this up again later,” you said with a wink.
"Good talk?" Christine asked when you rejoined her downstairs.
"You could say that," you said returning the smile that Patrick was giving you from across the room where he stood talking to Pete.
#patrick stump x reader#patrick stump fanfic#patrick stump imagines#patrick stump fan fiction#patrick stump fan fic#fall out boy fan fiction#fall out boy fanfiction#fall out boy fanfic#fall out boy fan fic
47 notes
·
View notes
Text
SpongeBob and Patrick: It's shaping up to be a wonderful holiday, Not your normal, average everyday.
Squidward: Sounds like someone felled my old coral tree. SpongeBob, Patrick, why'd you do this to me?
SpongeBob and Patrick: The world feels like it's in loverly.
Squidward: Go away before I harm you bodily!
SpongeBob and Patrick: This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me.There'll be shopping, decorating, and plenty of snow
SpongeBob: Hey Patrick, who's that under the mistletoe?
Squidward: What? Who, me? Would you look at the time, I should go!
Plankton: People seem a little more brotherly.
Mr. Krabs: Here's a special something to you from me.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Even all the trash on Christmas, it smells so sweetly.
Gary: Meow
SpongeBob and Patrick: This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me.
SpongeBob: Ladadadadadadadada! Dadadadadadada! Ladadadadadadadada! Dadadadada!
Squidward: What do you want? Can't you see that I'm busy?
SpongeBob and Patrick: Step outside, we've got something for you to see
Squidward: SpongeBob, take this stuff down immediately!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Chestnuts roasting and burns in the third degree!
All: Tonight things are as good as they seem to be!
Patrick: A star on top will complete all the scenery!
All: This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me!
Mr. Krabs: [falsetto] Very first Christmas to me!
All: This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me! [falsetto] Very first Christmas to me!
Also haha future self has been bamboozled again by past self on Thursday, October 3rd at 8:02 p.m.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Holiday fic
I know that a lot of characters don’t have canon religion, and I also know that it’s a possibility of either being Jewish or just not celebrating Christmas, so I am writing a fic that’s more for the holiday season that Christmas. As a Christian, I have come to acknowledge that Christmas didn’t even belong to Christians to begin with (it originated with Pagans celebrating the winter solstice and was practiced before the birth of Jesus and Jesus wasn't born in winter) so when I celebrate Christmas, I celebrate as a time to spend with family and friends (and I get gifts so...) and not as Jesus’ birthday, so when I write this, I am writing this as them trading gifts and spending time together. I don’t think it’s best to describe this as a “Christmas fic” since the characters are very diverse, so “Holiday Fic” seems more fitting.
Please let me know what you think.
This story is featuring, or at least mentioning, all of my OCs, and I had to update my Tumblr OC list because I forgot that my descriptions for Damien and Rich were on AO3 first and I had forgotten how I described them and had to fix it so here is the 100% accurate updated version. And I tried adding as many characters as I could, but it’s so hard and I was under pressure, so please don’t hate me. I am ageing the characters up to 18+ for reasons. And I made Dragon Fly (me essentially) Albert’s cousin because I can bend canon however I want.
It sucks, and it’s everywhere, but I wanted to get something out for the holidays. And I added a surprise at the end so you would hate me less. Please bear with me.
Featured ships: Relmer (I had to); Spalbert (for Alexa); Jatherine (they’re cute and they’re both raging bisexuals fight me); Blush; Finch/Buttons
Era: Modern
Warnings: none
Word count: 1315 (I think that’s a record)
Also, I’ve been struggling with this for a week. Please go easy on me.
~~~~
Jack was grateful that Jacobi let them rent the place out for the annual Holiday Party Extravaganza. They picked a day and time in December that worked for everyone’s schedule and did “Secret Santa” so everyone would get a gift. Usually, the party was at Jack’s house, but the group grew over the year, and his tiny apartment would not be able to hold everyone.
Everyone helped to move tables so the center of the floor would be cleared. Race hooked up his phone to a loudspeaker, courtesy of Albert, and played showtunes to “set the mood” for the party. Everyone dropped the presents they brought on the counter.
“Can I get everyone’s attention?” Jack was standing in the middle of the room. “First, I would like to thank Jacobi for letting us use his place to have our party.” He waited for everyone to quiet down before continuing. “I would also like to thank our new friends who joined the group this year. Hopefully we haven’t weirded you out too much.” He looked at everyone in the room. “And thank you guys for making this year the best.”
“Encore!” Sarah yelled.
Jack rolled his eyes and walked back to Katherine and kissed her cheek. “I’m excited. This is the biggest party we’ve had.”
“Yeah,” Katherine agreed. “It was nice for Jacobi to let us have it here.”
Davey joined the two and brought them both a cup of punch. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen this many people in a room together before.”
“Same here,” Jack said. “I just hope that it doesn’t go horribly and end with Jacobi banning us.”
“Jacobi will never ban us.” Katherine laughed at her boyfriend. “He loves us.” She pointed to the table with Race, Elmer, Spot, and Albert. “They’re acting like it’s a double date.”
“Leave them alone,” Davey joked. “Let them have fun. It’s a party.”
Spot wrapped his arm around Albert’s shoulders. “I feel like this party will be the best one yet.”
Albert looked at his boyfriend. “And why is that?”
“I don’t know. Just a thought.”
“Just a thought?” Race asked. “That’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth.”
Spot mocked laughter. “It’s not as lame as your life.”
Race pretended to be offended. “I know my life is lame, but hey!”
.
Romeo turned to August. "Have you ever thought about dyeing your hair?"
August shrugged their shoulders. "I never thought about it. I don't know what color would look okay."
"I think any color would suit you."
"Really?" August asked. "I don't think I would look good with any color. Green wouldn’t look good at all."
Romeo laughed. "Not green. Maybe something pastel, like lavender or a pale blue."
"Lavender? Really?"
"Yeah."
"I can see it," a voice said from behind Romeo. Mush looked over the booth at August.
"What are you doing, Mush?" Romeo asked.
"Listening to you guys obliviously flirting with each other." He had a smirk on his face.
"We aren't flirting," August said. "Please leave."
"Kay." Mush walked off laughing and went to find Kid Blink. When he found him, he wrapped his arms around his waist from behind. "Are you enjoying yourself?"
"Yeah." Kid Blink turned around and kissed his boyfriend on the top of his head. "Go have fun. It's a party."
"Says the person sulking in the corner."
"I am not sulking. I am brooding. There's a difference."
"Brooding?" Mush asked. "What are you? Batman?"
"Funny."
"RACE AND ELMER ARE UNDER THE MISTLETOE!" Smalls yelled.
Race and Elmer quickly shared a kiss, which was over as soon as it started. It caused some of the others to boo.
"That was boring!" Romeo yelled.
"Where was the passion?" River asked.
"My dead grandma kisses hotter than that!" Finch called out from the other side of the room.
"Grow up, guys," Race said. He and Elmer sat back down with Spot and Albert. “Hey, Albert. I know that your cousin prefers to go by her nickname, but what’s her real name?”
Albert leaned in very slowly, trying to reach Race’s ear. When Race moved his ear, closer, Albert blew into it. “I’m not telling you.”
“You’re boring,” Race said, trying to get rid of the uncomfortable feeling of Albert’s warm breath in his ear.
.
Dragon Fly was in the corner with Katherine and Sarah, updating each other about their lives.
"How’s college, Dragon Fly?" Katherine asked. "I know that you're going for writing."
Dragon Fly quickly pulled her cup up to her mouth. "It's...college." She took a long sip from her punch. "God, college makes me want to become an alcoholic.”
Sarah held her cup out. “I’ll cheer to that.”
Liberty passed by them. “I will cheer to that as well.”
“Do you even know what we’re cheering to?” Katherine asked.
“No,” Liberty said. “But, I heard Sarah say she was cheering to something and I didn’t want to be alone.”
Dragon Fly pointed to Max, Damien, and Rich in the corner. “Go talk to them. They look really bored.”
Liberty groaned. “Fine.”
“Time for presents!” Jack called. He passed out the gifts to everyone and sat next to Katherine. “This may be our best party ever.”
She smiled at him. “I may have to agree with you on that.”
“Who got me an empty box?” Finch asked loudly.
“You haven’t even opened it,” Buttons replied.
“It weighs nothing.” Finch shook the box in his boyfriend’s face. “Nothing.”
“If you’re so sure it’s nothing, then open it.”
Finch rolled his eyes and ripped the wrapping paper. He opened the box and looked inside. “There’s an envelope taped to the bottom.” He pulled the envelope out and turned it over. He found text and read it to himself. “I know we’ve been dating for five years, but I just want to say....” He opened the envelope and pulled out a piece of paper. When he opened it, glitter fell into his lap. He read the paper. “The amount of time we’ve been dating isn’t important to this gift. I just wanted to mislead you into opening a glitter bomb. I love you.” He turned to Buttons. “Cute. Where’s my real gift?”
Buttons smiled. “Behind the counter. I’ll go get it.”
“That was the best fake gift I’ve ever seen,” Henry said.
“You’re telling me,” Sniper replied.
“Hey, Finch,” Buttons said, “I need you back here real quick. You’re present is too big to move by myself.”
Finch got up, brushed glitter off of himself, and walked to where Buttons was. When he walked behind the counter, he stopped. “Buttons?”
Buttons was on the floor behind the counter, kneeling with a ring in his hand. “Finch, I know that we’re only 21, but from the first moment I met you, I knew that you were the perfect person for me. I’ve been trying for the past few months, but I couldn't find the right time. When I drew your name for Secret Santa, I knew that this was a sign. I knew that it was meant to be now. Just like I knew that we would be together. You are my best friend, my life, and my soulmate. I love you so much. Will you, Patrick Cortes, do me the honor of marrying me?”
Finch stood speechless. He was frozen with his hand over his mouth. “Is this for real?”
“It’s as real as the glitter that will not wash off for the rest of your life.”
Finch let out a small laugh, trying to hold back tears. “Yes.” He let Buttons slide the ring onto his finger and hugged him tightly. “You’ve always been dramatic.”
Mush grabbed the mistletoe and held it over Finch and Buttons. “You have to kiss now!”
Buttons pulled Finch into a kiss and rested his forehead on Finch’s. “If you thought this was dramatic, wait for the wedding.”
~~~~
I needed something cute and I was like “huh, maybe a Secret Santa proposal would be cute” so I did it and I hope it makes up for the crappiness. Thanks for reading.
TAG LIST (message/inbox me if you want to be added):
@daveys-pet-snake
@galaxy-trees13
@disasterbisexualhere
@marcusisaprettygay
@ughwaitwhat
@purplelittlepup
@well-the-kids-do-too
@crutchie-the-crutch
@graceful-popcorn
@i-got-no-clue-what-im-doing
@bencookisagod
@thebroadwayaesthetic
@i-got-personality
@bennie-badeend
@thatpoorguysheadisspinning
@broadwaybooksandbagels
@buttons-in-the-refuge
@lilcutedagger
@stormcrawler75
@cream–rises
@aw-jus-let-em-try
@suddenly-im-respecsable
14 notes
·
View notes
Note
everyone it's time to sing that one spongebob christmas song you know the one
💙 - “I do know the one! Okay, we got this!”
💙 🖍 - “It's shaping up to be a wonderful holiday! Not your normal, average, everyday-”
🖤 - “Sounds like someone fell my old coral tree. Spongebob, Patrick, why'd you do this to me?”
💙 🖍 - “The world feels like it's in loverly!-”
🖤 - “Go away before I harm you bodily-”
💙🖍 - “This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me.”
💎🎶 - “ There'll be shopping, decorating, and plenty of snow,”
🎶 - “ Hey Patrick, who's that under the mistletoe?”
👋 - “🖐️🖐️👆👆?? 👋👋👋👋” (What? Who me? Would you look at the time, I should gooooooo!)
🍧 “People seem a little more brotherly,”
👻 “Here's a special something to you, from me!”
💙🖍 - “Even the trash on Christmas smells so sweetly. This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me!”
🖤 - “What do you want, can't you see that I'm busy?”
💙🖍 - “Step outside, we've got something for you to see!”
🖤 - “Spongebob, take this stuff down immediately!”
🌭 - “Chestnuts roasting and burns in the third degree-”
💙🖍👻🎶💎🌭 - “ Tonight things are as good as they seem to be-!”
🔦 - “A star on top will complete all the scenery!”
Everyone because adding these emojis on pc takes soME amount of time -” This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me! This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me!
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
it's shaping up to be a WONDERFUL HOLIDAY. Not. Your. Nor-mal average everyday. sounds like someone fell my old coRAL tree. spOngebob pAtrick why'd u do this to me?? the world feels like it's in loverly go away before i harm you bodily this christmas feels like the very first christmas to me. therell be shopping decorating and Plenty Of SnooOoOww (plenty of snow) hey patrick who's that under the mistletoe (the mistletoeee) What? Who me? would you look at the time i should goooooo people seem a little more Brotherly (broOootherly). here's a special something to you from me (to u from me) even all the trash on christmas it smells so Sweeetlyyy. cuz this christmas feels like the very first christmas to me lADADADADADADA DUH DAAA DADADADA DUHHH DA DADADADADA DUH DAAA DUHDADADA what do u want can't you see that im buuuusy step outside we got something for you to see Spongebob take this stuff down immeeeediately chestnuts roasting and burns in the third degree 2nite things are as good as they seem to be a star on top will complete all the scenery cause this christmas feels like THE VERY FIRST CHRISTMAS TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (hehehehhehehehe) this christmas feels like THE VERY FIRST CHRISTMAS TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
4 notes
·
View notes
Note
Okay, Mod Sour! For the Christmas request, how about Midoriya trying different ways to get his crush under the mistletoe, but each one failing some way or another, maybe the class gets so annoyed so they try and help. Hope this is detailed enough for you.
Here you go my dumpling! I was listening to Tanner Patricks cover of Mistletoe while listening to this so I hope it!
Mod SourPatch 🎄 🎄 🎄
📚 When someone brought up the idea for Midoriya to get his first kiss from you by Mistletoe that was the first mission. You hadn’t been dating yet, but your crushes on each other was mutual.
📚 Everyone seemed to get a kiss except for him. Bakugou, Kirishima, Iida, and even Mina and Ochacho got a peck on the cheek from you.
📚 It wasn’t a big deal too much, holiday spirit and its not like everyone was trying to take you from him but it was still very stressful.
📚 Finally it was Ocacho and Mina who came up with an idea to get you two under the mistletoe, and it still didn’t work.
📚 Finally it was Momo who got the idea to actually happen, setting up the little green decoration above his seat. Izuku had no idea.
“Midoriya-kun~?” You walked into the classroom, holding up your phone to show the text that was sent to you, asking you to meet him after class at his desk. Wanting to walk to the dorms together. “Was this you..? Or is your phone still missing?” He had said something at lunch about it.
“N-No.. I still can’t find it.. B-but I still wouldn’t mind walking back with you (n-name)!” Your little giggle was so cute, and it was music to his ears. He thought you were the cutest person he had ever met, and grew more fond of you every day.
The two of you almost missed the chance, until Mina pointed up above your heads. “Hey Midoriya! (Last Name), isn’t that mistletoe!?” She couldn’t conceal her devilish smirks. Ochoco had to drag the pinkette out of the room with giggles herself, upon seeing your shocked face.
Izuku panicked, swearing he wasn’t the one to put that there. He was still mumbling, something about how he wouldn’t mind kissing you, after all he still liked you.. When you kissed him. He wasn’t expecting it at all, not on his lips anyway. You had given everyone else a peck on the cheeks, and before he could even kiss you back, you pulled away.
“I guess kissing means were dating now, yeah Izuku? Izuku…?”
Midoriya.exe has stopped working.
95 notes
·
View notes
Text
Christmas Mistletoe
Collection: Turnadette
Year: 1966
Characters: Patrick and Shelagh Turner
Content Warnings: none
Rating: T
Style: Prose
Summary: Shelagh has a plan.
Shelagh woke up before Angela and Teddy came running in to wake them. Which mildly surprised her. She often still did wake early, but over the years it had't become an everyday occurrence. Especially as she'd gotten used to running on the children's schedule and her nine to whenever-Patrick-left.
She was glad that she was up before the rest of her family though. It gave her a bit of time to pray, and to set her plan in motion. She'd bought some mistletoe from Fred and intended to hang it throughout the house. Sister Julienne was in on it, and had gotten some of the nurses to hang a few sprigs around Nonnatus for Christmas Dinner. The new nurses had been a little confused by the pile of mistletoe and the mischievous grin on the Sister’s face, but did as asked, sure that she had a reason.
Shelagh went downstairs to start preparing breakfast, and hang up the mistletoe.
And when Patrick half woke up to roll over, and found her missing, he got up to go find her.
He finds her downstairs standing on a chair tacking mistletoe to the doorway between the kitchen and dining room. Shelagh is singing quietly to herself as she works, Christmas songs and carols. He just blinks sleepily at her for a while, idly wondering what the hell his wife is doing.
"Need a hand?" He asks, voice still filled with sleep. He walks over to her as he says it just in case he startles her off the chair.
She twists around to look at him. "I've got it." She finished tacking it up and the uses his shoulder to steady her as she climbs down.
Patrick puts his hands on her hips when she's back on the floor. "What are you doing climbing on chairs so early in the morning?"
"Hanging mistletoe," Shelagh replies, winding her arms around his waist and leans into him
Patrick grins at her. "You don't need mistletoe to get a kiss from me." He kisses her nose teasingly.
Shelagh rolls her eyes at him. "It's our son who needs the help."
Patrick shakes his head fondly, grinning a little.
"What's your next plan? Hiding magnets in their clothes?"
"Hmm, not a bad idea." She smirks at him, laughing when she shakes his head again.
"But they're already attracted to each other."
Patrick hums and runs one hand through her hair. "They are."
"And I'm just trying to give them a little nudge." Shelagh shrugs as she tilts her head back a bit to look up at him better.
"A little nudge?" He raises an eyebrow at her with a grin.
"Mmhmm, just a little nudge by way of festive foliage."
"A very large nudge, maybe," but he sounds amused
"If he's anything like his father, subtlety is hardly useful." She winks at him before turning to head into the kitchen.
"Hey now!" Patrick says in mocked offense. He snags her hand and pulls her back to him.
She giggles at him and wraps her arms around his waist, her hands under the edge of his pyjama shirt.
"You have to admit it's not your strong suite."
Patrick shivers a little at her fingers on his back as they slide a little lower.
"I will do no such thing."
She tucks her fingers under the edge of his pyjama pants. "Oh? Are you sure?"
"Shelagh," his voice is low. "Mistletoe is for kissing, not whatever you're planning to do with that hand."
She winks at him. "Kissing where, though?"
Patrick tries not to groan at the idea of her on her knees in front of him in the middle of their dining room. So instead he leans down and presses a kiss to her lips. "We have children upstairs who I'm sure would not want to come down stairs and see that."
Shelagh grins, eyes twinkling, and removes her hand, smooths down his shirt and then steps away from him, walking back towards the kitchen.
20 notes
·
View notes
Text
Holidays I Observe/Celebrate
Taken from my sh!tty Book of Shadows, here's a list and summary of the holidays I attempt to celebrate.
KEEP IN MIND: These are holidays that I personally celebrate, they are described as I personally see them, and the celebrations mentioned are the ones that I personally observe. There are no “right” or “wrong” ways to celebrate a holiday, even “culturally important” ones. Everyone celebrates them differently, some people don’t observe certain traditions, and that’s okay. If you celebrate differently than I do, that’s okay! I can already smell the hate and annoying responses I’m going to get because of this but whatever let’s get started!
Putting a keep reading because holy farts this post was SO LONG!!!
New Years Day 🆕
January 1st --- A celebration of the new year. Usually celebrated by staying up the night before until midnight, then toasting a drink to luck and prosperity before going to bed. Lunch and/or dinner are usually comprised of black-eyed peas, greens, mashed potatoes, and cornbread.
Feast of Fools 🎭
January 6th --- A day to mock authoritative power, the church, religion in general, and the government. Mock ecclesiastical rituals are performed, a mock king/pope/bishop is elected, and drinking, dancing, and singing occurs. It's a day to laugh at that which is taken so seriously the rest of the year.
Chinese New Years 🐉
New Moon between January 21st and February 20th --- (I’ll update this part later!!!)
Imbolc 🏠
February 1st --- Marks the first day of spring. Celebration of hearth and home. Activities include making St. Brigid’s crosses, making bride’s beds, making priapic wands, lighting candles or bonfires in the snow, and eating pastries and dairy products.
Valentine’s Day 💝
February 14th --- A day to express your romantic love to those whom you love, usually by giving them a love note/card or a Valentine. Other gifts include roses, stuffed animals, chocolates, etc.
Mardi Gras ⚜
3 Days before Ash Wednesday --- Traditionally occurs 3 days before Ash Wednesday (which occurs 46 days before Easter). Activities include parades, throwing beads, eating good food, wearing masks, singing/playing music, dancing, and drinking.
White Day 💮
March 14th --- Usually celebrated in Asian countries, White Day is a response to Valentine’s Day. On Valentine’s day, women are the ones expressing their love to men. On White Day, men who received love are expected to return it, oftentimes with gifts triple in value to the gift they were given. Common gifts include white chocolate, white lingerie, cookies, etc. (Slightly sexist, but hey, a second day to spoil my partner with love is a-ok in my book!)
St. Patrick’s Day 🍀
March 17th --- A day to celebrate Irish culture and heritage. Activities include wearing green (and pinching those NOT wearing green), listening to traditional Irish music, and feasting on things such as roast, potatoes, greens, cornbread, whiskey, beer, and/or cider. A common tradition is “wetting the shamrock” where a clover is placed at the bottom of a shot glass that is then filled with alcohol. The shot is gulped down, and the clover goes with it, or alternatively is tossed over the shoulder for good luck.
Ostara - Spring Equinox 🌱
March 19th-22nd --- Ostara, the inspiration for Easter, is a celebration of new life, birth, fertility, growth, etc. Celebrated by planting seeds, starting gardens, planting flowers and trees, etc.
April Fool’s Day 😜
April 1st --- A day of pranks and jokes that I hate to death but also still celebrate for some reason..?
Easter 🐇
1st Sunday after the Full Moon --- Activities of celebration include painting and hiding boiled eggs which are collected in baskets, feasting on shepherd’s pie and carrot cake, eating candy and treats in the shapes of rabbits and chicks, etc.
Beltane 🔥
May 1st --- Originally celebrated by casting protection spells onto cattle who were headed out to summer pastures, today it is a celebration focused on protection of the self. Bouquets of primrose, rowan, hawthorn, gorse, hazel, and marigold are made and hung over the doors or windows of a home. Maypoles are danced around with colorful ribbons. Massive bonfires are lit and feasts are held.
LGBT+ Pride Month 🌈
The Entire Month of June --- A month to celebrate lgbt+ identities, such as lesbain, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer. Notable days for me are June 3rd: Bi pride day, June 5th: Pan pride day, and June 23rd: Androgyne pride day.
Litha - Summer Solstice ☀
June 19th-22nd --- These mark the longest days of the year. Protective amulets are made out of rue, rowan, and basil tied together with white or gold ribbon. They’re kept until the next Litha, when they’re burned and a new amulet is created. Other activities include picnics, making flower crowns, and dancing/singing around a campfire.
America’s Independence Day 🎆
July 4th --- Celebrations include barbecues, grilled foods, lemonade, pool parties, American patriotism, and shooting off/watching fireworks after dark.
Tanabata 🌠
July 7th --- (There’s so much lore about this holiday that I’m going to leave out because this post is already so long.) Essentially, it’s an Asian (more specifically, Japanese, or the version I celebrate hails from Japan) holiday centered around two lovers who get to meet only once a year (the 7th day of the 7th month). On the day of their meeting, you can write down wishes on tiny strips of paper and tie them to trees/bamboo, which are burned at midnight to release the wish into the universe in hopes that it will come true. Also it’s bad luck if it rains on Tanabata because the lovers can’t meet.
Lammas/Lughnasadh 🍞
August 1st --- The first harvest of the year. Feasts of breads, grains, and beers as well as bonfires are common. Activities include making corn dollies, wicker men, making crowns of wheat/corn stalks, creating/decorating staves, wands, and besoms/brooms, etc.
Cherokee National Holiday 🐦
1st Monday in September --- An annual event celebrating Cherokee heritage and culture, held each Labor Day weekend in Tahlequah, Oklahoma. The theme of the celebration changes each year, but activities include a two night inter-tribal pow wow, stickball, Cherokee marbles, horseshoes and cornstalk shoot tournaments, softball tournaments, rodeos, car and art shows, gospel singings, the annual Miss Cherokee pageant, the Cherokee National Holiday parade, and the annual "State of the Nation" address by the Principal Chief of the Cherokee Nation.
Mabon - Autumn Equinox 🍁
September 19th-22nd --- The days and nights are equal in length. A time to wear your finest clothes and spend time with your family. This is the second harvest of the year. Activities include offering tributes to nature for the harvests, making wine, gathering dried herbs, walking in the woods, and decorating burial sites with acorns, leaves, and pine cones.
Halloween 🎃
October 31st --- Inspired by Samhain and celebrated on the same day. Activities include carving pumpkins into jack-o-lanterns, wearing costumes, going through haunted houses, riding hayrides, and giving/receiving treats like candy, popcorn balls, and little plastic toys.
Samhain 👻
Sunset of October 31st - Sunset of November 1st --- Marks the beginning of winter. Feasts inviting the spirits of dead loved ones to join are held. Offerings to fae and spirits are given. Masks and disguises are worn to hide from evil entities. A time to honor the dead, be they kin, friends, or pets.
Dia de los Muertos 💀
November 1st & 2nd --- A time to celebrate the dead. Activities include tidying up or decorating graves/burial sites, creating shrines/altars to the dead or deities connected to the dead, leaving offerings like sweets and marigolds to the dead, painting your face to look like a calavera (a skull), dancing and singing to honor the dead, feasting on pan de muertos, etc. Meant to be a joyful but still respectful celebration of those who have passed on.
Thanksgiving 🍠
4th Thursday in November --- A time to gather with the family over a meal and express thankfulness for what you have. A traditional feast includes turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, pecan pie, and more.
Yule - Winter Solstice ❄
December 19th-22nd --- The longest nights of the year. Activities include toasting to trees with spiced cider, creating/lighting a yule log, decorating with ivy and holly, kissing under mistletoe, and enjoying a feast of pork dishes, eggnog, turkey, spiced wines and ciders, cookies, and cider-soaked caraway cakes.
Christmas 🎄
December 25th --- Inspired by Yule, celebrations include caroling, giving/getting presents and gifts, decorating a Christmas tree, making snowpeople, eating gingerbread cookies and candy canes, watching parades, watching sports, watching ballets, and feasting with friends and family.
OH IT’S FINALLY DONE THANK THE MOON!!!
This list is subject to change/edit at any given time.
#Witchblr#Holidays#Sabbats#Wheel of the Year#Celebration#Calendar#Freiwyn's Posts#New Years#Imbolc#Valentine's Day#Mardi Gras#St. Patrick's Day#Ostara#Easter#Beltane#Pride Month#Litha#4th of July#Lammas#Mabon#Halloween#Samhain#Thanksgiving#Yule#Christmas
19 notes
·
View notes
Text
pucker up | n. patrick & t. konecny
❀ ⇢ 12 days of ficmas: day 12 ❀ ⇢ genre: fluff ❀ ⇢ word count: 1.3k ❀ ⇢ warnings: polyamorous relationship ❀ ⇢ a/n: merry christmas and happy holidays!
⇢ posted: 12.25.18 . | . masterlist
“Who put this mistletoe up?”
Tearing your eyes away from the object in question where it dangled seemingly innocent in the doorway of the bedroom, you stuck your head out of the door to peer down the hall. Your yelled question was met with a bout of laughter sounding from the other room, a groan accompanying it.
Waiting for an answer that didn’t come, you struggled to wake up. Sleep had yet to fully release you from its grip, your eyes unable to focus properly and grogginess fogging up your mind. When it became clear that neither of your boys were going to respond, you stumbled towards where you had heard them. You silently cursed your lead like feet and you knew your hair still looked like a whole mess.
As you walked, your lingering confusion returned full force when you blurrily spied an absurd number of mistletoe bunches hung almost everywhere you could put it. “What the hell?” You croaked out, rubbing the heel of your hand into your eyes in an attempt to clear the sleep from them.
Padding into the kitchen, the situation quickly became clear to you on at least a basic level. Nolan sat hunched on a stool, his hands protectively wrapped around a mug of what you presumed to be coffee as glared at your remaining boyfriend. Travis stared back at him, his expression changing back and forth between a pout and a smug smirk.
“What did you do, Trav?” Sighing as your arm crossed, you titled your head as you pinned him with a stare.
“Why are you assuming I did it?” He cried, the palms of his hands facing you when he threw his arms out.
Forming a ‘seriously?’ expression, your eyes narrowed, though you were aware that it didn’t quite have the same effect as it did when you were fully awake.
“I’m assuming you did it because Nolan looks like he just got out of bed and you’re giving off major ‘I did it’ vibes.”
And it was true. Taking a closer look at your taller boyfriend, you saw his eyes squinted into slits as though they still hadn’t gotten used to the morning/early afternoon lights and a thinly veiled look of annoyance and exasperation covered his face.
Travis, on the other hand, was wide awake and looked like he already had three cups of coffee, not even bothering to mention how his proclaimed innocence didn’t exactly line up with the way his gaze bounced between all of the mistletoe decorating the kitchen.
“I had absolutely nothing to do with this,” Travis told you, shaking his head with an exaggerated expression while he waved his hands this way and that.
“Oh, for sure,” Nolan rolled his eyes as he finally spoke, or well, mumbled in this case. Restraining a laugh at Travis’s indignant cry, you found yourself unsurprised by Nolan’s dripping sarcasm.
“Alright, fine. I did it,” Travis reluctantly relented. “Shocking,” You heard Nolan mutter before he sipped at his coffee, a snort leaving you. You watched Trav stick his tongue out at him, sighing exasperatedly at the two of them.
Your eyes remained on them interacting, brushing past Travis to make yourself a cup of coffee while they bickered. Going about your usual business, you just barely noticed when your boys quieted down. Turning around with a raised brow, you had to repress another sigh when you saw where their gazes pointed.
In your haste to finally get some caffeine in you, you hadn’t noticed the mistletoe hanging right by your destination. By this point, it was already too late, having already stopped right under the damned thing. And going by Travis’s ecstatic smile and Nolan’s sympathetic look, they knew it just as well as you did.
“Come on, baby,” Travis cooed, being the closest to you, “Pucker up.”
Laughing at his excitement, you gave in with little resistance. He leaned down to bring his lips to yours and your mouths met each other in a gentle brush. Humming into the kiss, you threaded your arms around his neck as his pulled at your waist to tug you closer. You broke the kiss after another few seconds needing air and refusing to let your coffee go cold. Smiling as he whined and tried to give chase, you disentangled yourself from his arms.
Spinning on your heel, you went back to making your drink. Travis retreated after a beat to sit next to Nolan. Listening with half an ear, you shook your head at their unrelenting bickering. I was akin to a verbal match, neither letting the other have the upper hand. They were both ridiculous, but hey, if that’s how they want to show their love for each other then who were you to judge.
Another went by and Travis finally managed to get a laugh out of Nolan as you turned around with your now full mug. You could tell by the small smile and soft look in his eyes that he was proud, just like he always was when he succeeded in getting Nolan to “show a little emotion” as he teasingly put it. Nolan scoffed back at him and they resumed their word fight, though a tiny smile danced on Nolan’s lips this time. It reminded you of back to a month or two into your relationship when Travis had proclaimed that ever since the three of you started dating that Nolan was easier to make laugh. Not by much, but the difference was there.
The rest of the day wore on much like that morning, except with two of you finally more awake it had begun a game of who could successfully dodge the most mistletoe while simultaneously sabotaging the others. Many kisses were exchanged, though you both suspected that Travis got himself under the mistletoe more often on purpose.
That suspicion was only proved at around dinner while you were figuring out what to eat when Travis meandered up to you and Nolan, whistling an innocent tune. There was barely enough time for you to exchange suspicious looks before Travis was pulling out a piece of mistletoe and waving it over all of your heads.
“Seriously, Teeks,” Nolan rolled his eyes, pretending to be annoyed even as he grinned. Travis only smiled at him, puckering his lips and tapping them. Nol’s head dropped down as he shook it, hiding a smile, but it took less than a second for him to lean into Travis and press his lips firmly to his, a hand coming up to rest on his hip.
Their kiss ended, and Nolan swiftly turned and pulled you to his body to meld his mouth to yours. The two of you moved together until you retreated and pressed yourself into Travis. He grinned as he kissed you, his hand resting on the side of your neck while you grasped at his hoodie.
The entire exchange lasted barely two minutes, leaving all of you breathless. Maybe a few extra kisses were given out even after the mistletoe was dropped, but none of you could bring yourselves to complain even if you wanted to.
It wasn’t until you were getting ready for bed that Nolan had brought up the question that had been bugging you all day.
“Where did you even get all of the mistletoe?” He asked, his arm thrown around you and grazing Travis’s hair. The question got a wince out of him, a sheepish smile spreading across his lips.
“Don’t even ask.”
His response left a fair bit up to imagination and the words managed to draw laughs out of all of you. You snuggled closer into your boyfriends and as you closed your eyes with a smile and light heart, you considered that maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing that Travis had gotten all of that mistletoe after all.
#nolan patrick#travis konecny#nolan patrick imagine#travis konecny imagine#nolan patrick fic#travis konecny fic#philadelphia flyers#vegas golden knights#renwrites#12 days of ficmas#mine#my own#my writing#writing#fic#imagines#fanfic#nhl fic#nhl writing#nhl imagines#nhl fanfiction#hockey writing#hockey fic#hockey imagines#hockey fanfiction#teeks#patty#nols#tk#vgk
78 notes
·
View notes
Photo
46 notes
·
View notes
Text
This Christmas feels like
the very first Christmas to meeee
#they'll be shopping decorating and plenty of snow#hey patrick who's that under the mistletoe#what me what would you look at the time i must go#merry christmas#spongebob
0 notes
Text
well, folks, here it is. a month late and ~18600 words, my new record for longest fic to date. i’m sorry it’s so crazily long and crappy like everything else and i’m REALLY sorry it took so long, but… i hope y’all like it anyway, lmao i spent an UNGODLY fucking amount of time slaving over this. note: there are some explanations that are repeated because this is technically a standalone fic so it’s there for those who don’t read the others, but i’m actually putting some things in a loose timeline of sorts now. not all fics are in it or may not be listed, just the major stuff i guess idk
written for my spongebob human AU, timeline: [1] | [2] | [3]
spongebob is hosting one of his famous christmas parties, and sandy hatches an evil scheme: get spongebob drunk and encourage him to go kiss squidward under some mistletoe, in an effort to perhaps jump-start some progress in their relationship. she persuades him easily, and one totally smashed spongebob goes to give squidward the wildest smooch of his life. this causes all sorts of Feelings within squidward, but before he has the chance to confront spongebob about it, it’s apparent the next morning that spongebob has entirely forgotten the affair. squidward definitely isn’t going to remind him, and nobody else does either, so he must suffer in silence and try to deal with all of these foreign emotions.
merry belated christmas, everyone. i love all of you so much. <3 this is my gift to the beautiful squidbob community; thank you for being such a bright spot in my life!
Once Spongebob learned how to properly host parties, a Spongebob party was the best party in town.
This Christmas party was no different – and it was only the first one of the month! For every weekend in December, up to and including Christmas itself, he threw a festive shindig.
He’d gone all-out, as per usual fashion – the entire pineapple was decorated inside and out, chock full of jolly holiday cheer. Wreaths, garland, ribbons, lights, mistletoe, stockings, ornaments, candy canes, snowglobes – you name it, he had it. On the front of his snow-covered pineapple hung an inviting banner that read, ‘Mele Kalikimaka!’ A herd of glowing reindeer lounged about in the front yard, accompanied by a snowman family. His Christmas tree was stunning – he’d picked out the biggest coral tree he could find and made sure it was perfect in every way, with every ornament hung with care and every strand of lights threaded with precision. His fireplace roared welcomingly, providing an incredibly cozy heat for people to snuggle by. Glistening multicolored lights and garland were run along the walls of every room with red bows accentuating them. Countless other decorations adorned his household which inspired great holiday spirit for all. The banquet provided was nothing to sneeze at, either. His grandmother and Squidward’s mother both baked their famous cookies, and combined with the other various desserts, those sweets were a force to be reckoned with. Spongebob home-cooked a lot of the meals; the ham, the turkey, the kielbasa, the bean salad, the roasted vegetables, the mashed potatoes, the baked ziti, and so much more… The pepperoni bread was from a nearby Italian joint, but it was a must-have. His parents often came to help him, along with Sandy – Patrick was banned from the kitchen. As in he wasn’t even allowed to be in the same house while they cooked. If nothing else, Spongebob was a perfectionist. That meant every spread, like the rest of his house, looked like it was straight out of a Christmas magazine with how neat and ornate it was… Until people started eating, of course!
Spongebob loved Christmas. Ever since Sandy told him all about it that fateful day… And the day he met the real Santa Claus… It had easily become his favorite holiday. He adored everything about it! The shopping, the decorating, the snow aplenty! The gifts, the love in the air, the chestnuts roasting! The mistletoe~… Oh, Christmas… It was the most wonderful time of the year indeed.
By 5 PM, almost everyone had arrived and the party got underway. Joyful holiday music and the sound of chatter filled the well-lit rooms while the host flitted about, checking on everyone just to make sure they were having the Best Party Ever™. The very picture of adorability, Spongebob wore a beautifully gaudy reindeer themed ugly sweater that hung off the shoulder, a headband with reindeer antlers, and tight black slacks. Along with his rosy freckled cheeks, captivating cerulean eyes, fluffy flaxen hair and gap-toothed smile, he dazzled all of the partygoers. Since things had now settled down, he was finally able to go relax for a moment. He trotted over to a table and sighed in relief as he seated himself. “Oh boy…” Being host sure could be tiring! He loved it, though. Everyone looked so great in their sweaters and button-downs and dresses, and they were all enjoying themselves.
Blue eyes roved around the crowded room – where was… Ah. There he was. Squidward was sitting on a couch across the room, appearing to be quite a bit less grumpy than he usually did, sporting a charming ugly sweater like always. It was snowman themed this time! He was actually talking to someone, too! It was so nice to see him having a good time… Spongebob sighed again, more wistfully this time, propping his arm up on the table and resting his cheek in his palm. Gee… What he wouldn’t give to be sitting in his lap with one of Squidward’s arms around his waist. That’d be swell. If it were possible, he managed to become even more romantically charged than he already was around holidays like Christmas or Valentine’s. It was just – it looked so nice for couples, with the hugging and the kissing and the scarf-sharing and the cuddling by the fire and the…
Gosh… It’d be real swell.
“Howdy, Spongebob!” A familiar voice pulled him from his melancholy-tinged thoughts. One Sandra Cheeks had approached him – he smiled up at her.
“Hiya, Sandy.”
“Takin’ a break? Neptune knows you deserve one!” She said, clapping him on the back as she pulled up a chair next to him.
“Hehe. Naw, I’m okay. I don’t mind the work!” She looked gorgeous tonight too, which came as no surprise. Makeup wasn’t something she wore too often, but tonight, she’d used some glittery gold eyeshadow with a deep plum lipstick and it was absolutely incredible on her. He could also see that she was wearing a wonderful ugly turtleneck sweater under her aquatic suit – such a shame she couldn’t take that dang old thing off. It was always so in the way. Curse their differences in oxygen intake. She had her thick brown curls pulled into pigtails like usual and a pretty burgundy bow on her tail that even lit up! And boy, that fur was fluffy today! “Ooh, I see you took extra care to fluff up your tail today!” He complimented, reaching over to pet through the soft pelt, marveling at it. Sandy chuckled.
“Yup! I brushed it for ten whole minutes! Gettin’ the bow perfect was kind of a challenge, but I managed it!”
“You sure did!” They shared a laugh before Sandy silently observed him for a moment or two. His expression had fallen – he seemed a tad distant, and, looking down, she spotted him continually squeezing some of the fabric of the hem of his sweater. Occasionally, his grip flexed so hard his knuckles went white.
“So, Sponge… Feelin’ kinda lonely, are ya? You’ve been quiet tonight.”
“Wh—“ He whipped around to gape at her. Jeez, she was way too astute! “I… No, I’m fine! I’m just really happy that everyone’s here, and that they’re all loving my party.” She tapped her fingers against her helmet thoughtfully, glancing to Squidward. Soon, a grin spread across her face.
“Maaaaybe y’all should go talk to ‘im.”
“I will in a bit, when he’s not busy.” Spongebob shifted uncomfortably, averting his gaze. The cloth he’d been toying with was now clutched in a firm, unforgiving hold.
“You suuuuuure put up a lotta mistletoe.” Sandy was ruthless in her attempts. She could tell Spongebob was sort of upset – not to mention anxious – and wanted to urge him to at least go and be near Squidward to put him more at ease. To her amusement, he flushed.
“Wh—it’s just decoration! I mean, I definitely encourage kissing for anyone who wants to, though.” Spongebob was a lover of romance, through and through. At that moment, an idea wormed its way into Sandy’s head. That grin of hers turned a shade more devilish, but to her best friend’s surprise, she relented, rising from her seat.
“I’m gonna get you a drink, okay? Wait right here, don’t you dare go on gettin’ up. There are others people can go to if they need somethin’.” She wagged a finger at him scoldingly. He pouted, but didn’t bother to argue because he knew he wouldn’t win that one.
Passing by numerous talkative revelers, Sandy skipped gleefully over to the beverage table in the kitchen. It was time to liven up this party. Larry, who was chilling out nearby, greeted her. He wore an ugly sweater too – but his was sleeveless. Had to show off those guns somehow!
“Hey, Sandy! How’s it hangin’?”
“Great! Just gettin’ our hard-workin’ lil’ Sponge a drink, heh.” Larry had been taking a sip of his water, but paused with the cup to his lips upon hearing her tone. His eyes narrowed suspiciously. He saw her reach for the cranberry juice from behind the fountain of punch.
“… Yeah? What’re you getting him?” The pineapple juice was next. Oh no, he knew what she was up to… She was so obvious about it too! She didn’t even bother to hide her smile!
“A Sponge’s lil’ helper~.” Sandy’s expression went downright sinister then. The vodka was next to be added to her beautiful cocktail. Hopefully there were cherries or limes around! Frowning, Larry stepped forward.
“Whoa, hey there, now wait a sec. What are you planning? We all know he loves baybreezes, but somehow, I don’t think he was the one who asked for it.” He had a very strong suspicion. It was confirmed by her cackling maniacally.
“HA! I think he needs to loosen up a bit! He gets wound up tighter than a snake ‘round a rodent it found for dinner when he hosts parties.” Larry placed his hands on his hips as she mixed it into a beautiful sunset – Spongebob’s favorite part of the drink. She was admittedly quite good at it blending the colors together.
“Loosen up, yeah. But you’re trying to get him all over Squidward. Are you sure this is a good idea? What if he does or says something he regrets?” His personal hangups with Squidward aside, he was mostly worried about Spongebob getting hurt in some way.
“P’SHAAAAWWW! He can just blame it on bein’ drunk, ain’t no thing!” Sandy’s evil laughter only continued. Her brew was now COMPLETED! The lifeguard pinched his brow.
“… Dude, it’s only 6. We can’t get him drunk this early.” She opened her mouth to speak, but went no further. Her brow creased. It would be a problem if the host passed out too early.
“… Hm. Well… Dinner’ll be served soon, right? Then he won’t need to supervise as much.” Be that as it may, he would try to regardless, knowing Spongebob. “So I mean, I don’t see why not, once all the food’s ready to go.”
“Oh boy,” Larry groaned, dragging a hand down his face. “I have a bad feeling about this.”
Sandy returned to Spongebob but instead of giving him what she’d made, told him he should probably help serve dinner first just to get it out of the way. It wasn’t like much had to be done – they just had to uncover the platters and make sure everything was warm and ready, mostly. He hadn’t even seen what she’d made him, but agreed nonetheless – his guests were of the utmost priority, they came first! Unsurprisingly, he went out of his way to make sure every single partygoer had everything they needed and that Patrick was not permitted to inhale all of the food. Frank, who was sitting at the table in the dining room, noticed him still buzzing about even after everyone had been served. “Spongebob, go eat already! We’re all fine, take a breather!” Others around him nodded in agreement. Spongebob turned, having been fussing over one of the M&M bowls.
“Wha? Uh, are you su—“ Sandy interrupted by walking right up to him and holding out his drink, beaming. It was a bit diluted now because she’d had to put in more ice to keep it cool, but she could certainly make more.
“Here. You need to sit yer butt down and spend time with us rather’n the candy dishes.”
“Yeah! We wanna talk to you, Spongebob!” Abigail agreed. “You always do this! You get so worried, but we’re all able to help ourselves, and there are other people we can go to if we need something. Just sit and hang out, okay?” Spongebob fretted a bit, feeling bad – he’d not realized he was that obsessive. He just wanted to throw a good party, so he spent a lot of time worrying and fixing things – at least in the beginning of the night. No matter what, as the party went on and fewer people needed him, he allowed himself to participate more. This time, though, they wanted him the whole party, not half of it. It wasn’t fair to him if he couldn’t have fun too.
“Gee… I’m sorry, I…” Finally regarding his beverage, he paused. His pupils dilated. A baybreeze… “It’s SO PRETTY,” he gasped, marveling at the way Sandy layered the liquids and how the glass glimmered with the reflection of the Christmas lights around them. Out of their close group of friends, she was the best at making mixed drinks. “AND A LOOPY STRAW?! WITH AN UMBRELLA AND CHERRIES?! OH, SANDY!” He pulled her into a tight hug, thrilled. Patting his back, she laughed.
“Yer welcome~! Drink up!”
“Oooh, already breaking out the alcohol, huh?” Evelyn asked, which gave Spongebob pause. Wait… Should he be drinking this early? The clock read 6:30. The party hadn’t been going on for very long… What if he drank too much and blacked out? He didn’t have a very strong constitution, and people needed him! He appeared as if he was going to protest, but he knew Sandy wouldn’t allow him to.
“… Okay, but just one!” He sat himself down at the table next to Larry, who wondered if Spongebob noticed that incredibly ominous grin on Sandy’s face.
“Drink! Drink! Drink!” Frank chanted. “You sure know how to make them, Sandy. Think you could teach me sometime? It always comes out muddled when I do it.”
“Hmm… Maybe I could host a workshop sometime, sure! It’s not too hard. Actually, Sponge, I can make another that’s real pretty like that, but has peach n’ orange juice in it! If you like yer baybreezes, you’d like this one.” He already seemed intrigued – hook, line, and sinker. He was sipping his current drink through his straw, thoroughly enjoying the mix of cranberry and pineapple. Alcohol itself wasn’t his favorite taste in the world, but he liked it with fruity things. Orange juice did sound good…
“What else is in it?”
“Like I said, pretty similar. Vodka, cranberry juice, peach schnapps, and orange juice. Or, at least, that’s one version of it. It’s all orange and red like these, but the orange is brighter.”
“Ooooh…” His eyes shone with wonder. He was such a sucker for the pretty colors, he couldn’t help it! He might have to have one now, it was so tempting… It would be fine, that was only two drinks! He didn’t even have to drink the whole thing! “What’s it called?”
Smirking, Sandy leaned forward a bit. “Sex on the Beach~.” There was a chance he wouldn’t get flustered, but… The way his countenance lit up rivaled the cranberry juice! Success! Larry tried to choke back a laugh and the others could be heard giggling. Spongebob quietly sucked his baybreeze through the straw, staring down at it, cheeks red. Unfortunately for him, whatever was swirling around in his mind eventually flustered him so much that he drained the entire glass in one go and then shouted, even redder than before,
“I WANT A SEX ON THE BEACH!” He pounded his empty glass down on the table. He wasn’t even that intoxicated – it had been fueled moreso by embarrassment. Those around him hushed for a moment before many burst into laughter. Larry couldn’t help it – oh, that was priceless! The delivery was perfect! Merely huffing, Spongebob crossed his arms. “There’s nothing funny about it! It’s just the name of a drink! Don’t be so lewd!” Sandy was chortling away as she got up to go make it for him. She’d have abs on top of her abs by the end of the night at this rate!
“Hoo doggie! Comin’ right up, Spongebob! One Sex on the Beach!” And back to the kitchen their squirrely friend ran.
“What happened to ‘just one?’” Evelyn teased, poking at his arm – this earned her another huff.
“It IS just one! It’s just one of – of a different kind! And it’s the only other one I’m having,” the blond insisted. Mr. Krabs noticed the commotion as he walked by with a plate of food in hand. Their host had already broken out the liquor? Hmm… He leaned over to whisper to Plankton, who was beside him.
“Think I should charge people fer the impendin’ Drunken Spongebob Shenanigans?”
“This is his house, Eugene,” Plankton replied flatly whilst picking a crumb off of his ugly sweater that matched Mr. Krabs’s.
“… Right, but… It’s like dinner and a show! People pay fer that!”
“In his own house, yes. If anyone could even attempt to use it for monetary gain, it would be him. Honestly, Eugene. You’re shameless.”
“Don’t you roll yer eye at me, Sheldon! Fine! I’ll just enjoy what we get to see, then.”
“Oh, Neptune. I think I’m going to need a drink…”
Sandy soon came back with another one of her beautiful concoctions. Deep orange and red, complete with a cherry, an umbrella, and a loopy straw. Everyone currently around them ‘ooh’ed and ‘ahh’ed. Spongebob squealed – it was so BEAUTIFUL! He held out his hands to take it from her, admiring at its sunset-esque gradient. Upon him taking his first sip, applause sounded.
“How’s it taste?! I might need one, Sandy!”
“Wow!! I love it!! The orange juice is so good with cranberry!” He honestly couldn’t tell if he liked pineapple and cranberry or orange and cranberry better… Both? Both. Both is good.
“That’s some good Sex on the Beach, eh, Sponge?” Sandy was out for blood tonight! Good lord! Sadly, she didn’t get the reaction she wanted – Spongebob merely nodded, contentedly drinking away.
“Mmhmm!” She knew he’d start getting tipsy quite swiftly – she’d added a biiiit more vodka than the recipe called for since the orange juice helped in masking it. She also wondered if she could get him to try another…
“I’ll make a round of drinks for y’all, sure! I know you aren’t done with that one yet, Spongebob, but how do ya feel about tryin’ somethin’ blue?” Oh, how easy it was to entice him. His wide eyes moved to her, the straw still between his lips.
“Blue..?” Ohh… Ohhhhhh… He loved blue… Anything blue Sandy made would definitely be good!
“As blue as yer pretty eyes.” She poked his nose. He mulled it over, but Frank made his decision for him instead.
“Yeah, we wanna see that one! If he doesn’t drink it, I will!”
“No no I’ll drink it I’ll drink it!” Spongebob said hurriedly, ditching his ‘just one’ policy in favor of pretty colors. Sandy couldn’t have been happier. He’d be smashed soon enough… And then… He might need a little push… And the pieces would fall into place. Larry shot the scientist a glare, but she ignored it and went skipping back to the kitchen.
“Hey, Sponge, maybe you should slow down a li—“ Larry stopped dead in the middle of his sentence and his eyes bulged upon seeing that HE’D ALREADY FINISHED IT. “Whoa—have you even eaten anything?! You should really take it easy, buddy!” Hearing Spongebob’s giggle made his stomach drop. Oh no. It had begun. If he’d not eaten anything to absorb it, with how fast he was downing those he’d be a goner in no time.
“Hee… Umm, I dunno. Maybe? Hey, Pat, did I eat anything?” Spongebob asked, leaning forward to see his friend who was three seats down from him, devouring the mountain of food he possessed. Hearing his name, he looked up, mouth stuffed with chicken.
“Uhhhh… Ahh…” Patrick had to swallow before he could speak. “I think I saw you eating some veggies and dip earlier?”
“Ohh, okay! Thanks, Pat!”
“Anytime, pal!” And right back to eating Patrick went. He wasn’t messing around – he’d already finished two plates. Spongebob’s smile returned to one unamused Larry Buffington.
“… Yeeeah. I mean, it’s something, but you should really have some turkey or mashed potatoes. Want me to get it for you?”
“Well…” The blond pouted down at his empty glass. “I wann’another… It’s all gone.” Larry was exasperated already. Sure, it was funny at first, but… He just – he wanted to protect Spongebob from doing something he’d really regret! Being drunk at a party was one thing. It happened. It wasn’t a big deal… But when you threw Squidward into the mix, things got risky, and Sandy pushing them together was a recipe for disaster. You could only blame so much on being drunk. What if he confessed his feelings in a sloppy and careless manner? Oh Neptune, the lack of a filter would lead to some really awkward professions. Just the thought sent a shiver down his spine – they might never see Squidward again after something like that. To his vexation, before he could speak further, Sandy brought a dream of a cocktail that indeed matched the cerulean of Spongebob’s irises as well as the water around them. It shimmered in the light enticingly. Drooling, Spongebob reached for it.
“Heeeeere y’are!” She chirped, but before she could hand it over, Larry snatched it from her.
“Sandy. C’mon, man. Let him take a break – you don’t want him getting sick, do you?” He held it up high so Spongebob couldn’t reach it, though that didn’t stop him from trying.
“Nngh—gimme—“
“Larry, why are you being such a party pooper?” Abigail whined. “What’s the problem? He’s cute when he’s drunk! Let him have fun! It’s a Christmas party!” The lifeguard soon found that the others were also chiming in to agree. Was he the only sensible one around here?! Squidward was the problem here, not Spongebob just being tanked! But… He reasoned that it wasn’t like Spongebob had never been intoxicated at a party Squidward was also at. It had gone alright then (even if Spongebob became clingier or flirtier), so why would it be any different now? Sandy, that was why. She had a specific goal in mind and it wasn’t just to let Spongebob flirt with Squidward on his own. No, she wanted more than that. She knew how tricky this situation was, why was she doing this?! Trying to force a change could go really badly… There was a possibility of success, but Larry wasn’t sure he wanted to bet on that.
“I hope you know what could happen,” Larry muttered to Sandy through a clenched jaw. This was serious stuff… She knew that. He understood that she wanted some progress – they all did, for Spongebob’s sake. But was this the way to go about it? Sandy’s demeanor shifted to that of uneasiness for a split second before she hid it.
“I’ve got it under control,” she said. Larry merely arched a doubtful brow and gave Spongebob his drink.
“Hm. Alright then, bro. Here you go. But take it slow this time, and eat something with it.”
“YAY!” Spongebob grabbed it right up and took a drink to see how it tasted. He wrinkled his nose a tad at first – this one had a stronger taste of alcohol. He was already buzzed, though, so it wouldn’t bother him too much. The cocktail kept him quiet while he savored it. Sandy served drinks to a few other people who wanted them, and things were relatively calm until Spongebob finished his third – probably quicker than he should’ve, but not as fast as the ones prior. “Ahhhh… Wowie, that was great! Thanks, Saaaandy~.” Looking down, he noticed a plate of some food Larry had gotten for him at some point. He scrutinized it, squinting – his vision was kinda… Blurry. What was even on this plate? Where had it come from? “Izzis… Bread?” He picked up what was indeed a piece of bread, sniffed at it, then took a nibble. Yes, this was probably bread. Maybe. Larry slid him some water as he snacked.
“Remember to always be hydrating, bud. It’ll help later when you wake up from this.”
“Thaaaaank yoooou~,” Spongebob sang, doing as he was told. Always be hydrating!! Yes!! He could do that! He’d make Larry proud! He downed his water, afterwards calling out for Sandy. “SANDY! LARRY SAID ALWAYS BE HYDRATING! CAN YOU MAKE ME ANOTHER?”
“I sure can, Spongebob! Whaddaya want?” Spongebob giggled giddily into his hands, swaying a bit. Larry didn’t bother to say anything, instead slapping a hand to his face. It was out of his control now.
“Sex~…” He didn’t finish saying the name of the drink for whatever reason.
“Oh, I’ll bet!” Evelyn laughed, and Abigail swatted at her.
“Oh my gosh, stoppp! Don’t be weird!” One more and he’d be utterly and completely wasted, even if Sandy skimped on the alcohol… Which she wouldn’t. Oh, she did hope he would forgive her in the morning… The brunette fetched him his desired Sex on the Beach, then watched him chug it aaaand…
“WOOOO! NOW THAT IS A DRINK! SEXIN’ ON THE BEACH IS RIGHT!” He stood suddenly then, slamming his hands onto the table, “PATRICK—Whoa…” Standing so fast disoriented him for a moment, but he recovered just as quickly. “PATRICK! LET’S TAKE IT FROM THE TOP, BUDDY! ARE YOU READY?!” Patrick’s head jerked up.
“Wha?”
“CHRISTMAS!”
“Oh—YEAH! Let’s do it!” Patrick eagerly jumped up as well and jogged over to his best friend. They took one another’s hand, both taking a step back in preparation.
“Here we goooo!” Frank grinned, leaning back to appreciate the show. The pair burst out into theatrical song and dance.
“IT’S SHAPING UP TO BE A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY! NOT YOUR NORMAL, AVERAGE EVERYDAY!” Squidward wasn’t in the room to sing his part (not that he would anyway), so someone else did it for him, as was tradition for every Christmas party. Poor Squidward.
“Sounds like someone felled my old coral tree! Spongebob, Patrick, why’d ya do this to me?!”
“THE WORLD FEELS LIKE IT’S IIIIIN LOVERLY~!”
“Go away before I harm you bodily!”
“THIS CHRISTMAS FEELS LIKE THE VERY FIRST CHRISTMAS TO MEEEEEEEE~!” Spongebob was a bit off-key – he was unsurprisingly having trouble controlling his cadence. He and Patrick pranced around, a spectacle for all to see that was only enhanced by Patrick’s snazzy light-up sweater. The crowd was going wild! “THERE’LL BE SHOPPING, DECORATING, AND PLENTY OF SNOW! HEY, PATRICK, WHO’S THAT UNDER THE—“ Spongebob stopped abruptly, leaving Patrick to tumble and narrowly miss colliding with a nearby end table. “… Mistle… toe?” It was as if something connected in his mind at that moment – he stared at a nearby doorway in which mistletoe hung. No one was there, but it seemed like something was processing – perhaps a revelation of sorts. Plankton and Krabs had even stood in preparation to sing their parts, but everyone was left hanging, watching Spongebob.
Bingo.
“HEY, WAITASECOND!” Spongebob began to search the room, distraught. “WHERE’S SQUIDDY?!” It was as if he’d just noticed, even though Squidward hadn’t stepped foot in the room once. The others looked around too. Not everyone was in the dining room – there were many guests littered about the house, all having their own fun, so Squidward could’ve been anywhere. The only real restrictions were the bedrooms upstairs; every other room in the house was open.
While nobody else seemed to know, Sandy did. She’d gone to find Squidward – he’d actually been hanging out upstairs with a book to get away from the noise for a short while. He’d not been there for too long when she’d investigated, so he was likely still there. “I saw him earlier, Sponge,” she said, to which Spongebob rushed to her and grabbed her shoulders.
“Where?! We need ‘im here! How can—how can he do his part?!” He shook her as if it were the direst situation in the universe. It wasn’t like he would do his part anyway, so others did it instead, but that didn’t seem to matter.
“I know! He needs ta stand under the mistletoe, right?” Larry watched as this unfolded before him – she’d planted the seed. It was all over now – they could only guess what might happen. Spongebob stared at her owlishly for a few moments, a little more color filling his cheeks to add to what was already there. Mistletoe… Yeah… His gaze moved behind her to a doorway where he’d hung the festive plant. He missed Squidward… He wanted to cuddle up to him… Why wasn’t he here? Maybe he was busy… But surely he’d spare a little time for his bestest friend in the whole world, right? Mistletoe…
“I wanna…” Spongebob took a very deep inhale. “… Wanna go get ‘im. He needs to join in on the fun! It’s not a party without Squidward! Patrick, buddy, can you cover for me? Make—make sure my snail doesn’t get eaten by the pineapple, okay?”
“Oh—you bet, Sponge! I’ll take real good care of him!” Patrick hadn’t had a single sip of alcohol, but hey. At least he understood it.
They all watched Spongebob run off ungracefully, stumbling and tripping on his journey upstairs. After he’d left, the people at the table began to discuss amongst themselves. “Fifty bucks they kiss,” Fred wagered.
“Ehhh, I dunno. He hasn’t tried it before, has he?” Frank asked.
“Well, who knows, but there’s mistletoe involved here!”
“What if he confesses?”
“That would be a mess. I think he is close to doing it, though, one of these days.”
“Okay, guys, rev up those bets! Let’s see if our boy finally gets some tonight!” Cheers were heard all around. Of course, everyone knew by now – if you saw the two of them interact with any regularity, his crush was plain as day. It had been like this for years; everyone was just waiting for something to happen.
So far, Spongebob had found nobody on the third floor, because it wasn’t a place guests usually went. The first and second floors were the main hangouts, but he wanted to be thorough. Geez… He felt kinda dizzy. His eyes weren’t entirely focused… “Squiiiddyyyy? Are you up heeere?” He called, checking each room. Where could he be? Spongebob needed him, for a lot of reasons! … Should he take his shoes off as a defensive maneuver in case of emergency? OH, but what if Squidward wanted to polish them? He’d better keep them on then, just in case. You never knew if your friend was going to want to polish your shoes. “I—whoa! Pardon me, miss, ah—“ He’d run into a lamp, not a person. Just as he was reaching one of the last rooms in the hallway, none other than Squidward was leaving it. “Oh—!” Spongebob skidded to a halt, and Squidward greeted him upon noticing him.
“Oh, hey, Spongebob. How’s the party going? I must admit, your library only gets more impressive as it grows.” Squidward stopped in the doorway, hooking a thumb in his pocket while shifting his weight to the opposite hip. He slouched just slightly, holding little tension in his shoulders. There was a certain warmth in his normally weary carmine eyes and the corner of his mouth twitched upwards in a half-smirk as he regarded Spongebob. Draped over his lanky frame was a sweater that was a little too large, contrasted by snug jeans. The other stared at him, gaping – he seemed so relaxed! And he was so… Handsome… That sweater looked marvelous on him… Spongebob swore he was blinded by the sheer beauty of it all. And… Wait a second… He was standing under mistletoe! Unless that was a set of keys hanging from the doorframe. But that wouldn’t make any sense. Or would it? But it was totally mistletoe, and… Sandy said… And… Mistletoe…
“Oooh, wow, Squiddy, you sure are lookin’ good tonight,” Spongebob slurred, taking a wobbly step closer. “I just looooove that sweater… I’ve been lookin’ all over for you…”
“Oh? Why-- … Wait a minute.” Squidward squinted down at him – he was sort of acting like… “Are you drunk?” Oh boy. Great. “Already? It’s only 8 o’clock, Spongebob.”
“Nnnoooooo~… I’m not drunk, heehee…” He was nearly salivating – Neptune, Squidward was so—mmph. Squidward simply shook his head.
“You’re hopeless. Anyway, you’ve found me, so we can go back downstairs now.” He’d had enough time to recharge from the social interaction. He wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to deal with an inebriated Spongebob, but eh, he would see. Maybe he’d stick around. It was entertaining to watch Spongebob while he was drunk sometimes. When Spongebob didn’t move aside, Squidward blinked. “Well? What are you waiting for?” Why was Spongebob looking at him like that..?
In Spongebob’s hazy mind, the fact that Squidward hadn’t moved out of the doorway and away from the mistletoe told him that he was definitely interested in making out. It entirely ignored the fact that he was standing in Squidward’s way and that he’d either have to retreat back into the room or push past him to get out from under the decoration. “Ooh, Squiddy,” he purred, “I’d love to… I’m so glad you want it too…” He never said anything of the sort, Spongebob.
At first, Squidward had been about to question why his neighbor was getting breathy over… Going downstairs. Soon, however, he found himself in absolutely no position to ask that question – or any other, for that matter. Before he could speak, the blond had advanced, stepping right up to him and leaning up on his tippy toes to press their bodies together. He ran a hand down Squidward’s chest, blatantly feeling him up, his free arm hooking around his neck to tug him down a little. Squidward was paralyzed with shock – what—? What was happening? Whoa, those bedroom eyes – holy SHRIMP, what was going on—?! Before he knew it, Spongebob had pivoted them a little and backed him up against the doorframe. “I’ll make it good, I promise…” A deep and sultry tone was not something Squidward heard from him often. Before any of this could register, he was met with an entirely new and even more startling sensation.
Spongebob had roughly fisted some of his hair, the other hand clutching his sweater, and yanked him down into a crushingly needy kiss. Squidward’s mind went completely blank, any and all thoughts evaporating instantly. His entire body went rigid and the wind was knocked from his lungs. He didn’t return the kiss – the world around him had disintegrated and he was lost in a sea of nothingness. Time ceased to exist. Was he dreaming? Had he himself gotten drunk and passed out? Where even was he? What was he doing? Who was with him? Who was… What was…
Unrelenting, the blond tugged again at teal locks to tilt Squidward’s head a little more for better access. With the sheer force of the kiss, Squidward had no choice but to kiss back but was entirely unaware of his doing so.
“Mmmm… Mmh… Mm…”
It was only when Spongebob’s muffled noises reached his ears that all at once, reality came crashing down onto him at warp speed. Time went into hyperdrive instead of standing still. Squidward’s heart gave a sharp lurch and his eyes flew open in astonishment for a brief second before they screwed shut once more. Opening his mouth to gasp had been an involuntary mistake – he was then electrified with the feeling of tongue. Not much, though – just a gentle and questioning lick that went no further.
What…
… In the NAME OF DAVEY JONES’S LOCKER WAS GOING ON?!?!
There was… This was… It… Spongebob…
Spongebob…
SPONGEBOB!!!
Spongebob was kissing him! Not just on the cheek, nose, forehead, head, shoulder, or wherever else… But… The LIPS!!! Was this a nightmare? Was he in hell? Had he gone mad? It—
IT STILL WASN’T OVER!
Squidward’s frantic thoughts were now interrupted by the exceedingly prominent physical sensations. He could hear himself panting – his body was boiling up. His face was on fire. He was sweating and his knees were weak. He felt so lightheaded – a feeble noise escaped him while Spongebob’s desperate whimpers filled his ears. He was just now noticing how nice Spongebob smelled – his shampoo and cologne surrounded him with something he didn’t often give much consideration to. The strongest thing he could taste was the alcohol – eugh. There was an underlying fruitiness, however, and beneath that… An indescribable taste that was none other than Spongebob’s own. Spongebob had gotten a little braver with that tongue of his, and oh… The hair-pulling, gah—the hand running down his side—
Why did it feel…
Good?
It was sloppy, it was forceful, it was wet, and it was mindblowing. It was driven by such brazen passion that it was enough to make anyone’s head spin. He just couldn’t refrain from making sounds, which was humiliating, but he didn’t really have time to worry about that when Spongebob was grazing his lower lip with his teeth. He didn’t bite – at least, not yet. Squidward clawed at either side of the wall connected to the doorframe behind him, having needed something to grip onto, although it wasn’t much.
“Squidmmmph…” Spongebob moaned between fervent kisses, relishing in the sweet and heavenly taste of the person he so dearly adored. This was a dream come true! He was so lucky! He never, ever thought he’d get a real chance to kiss Squidward! (And technically, he hadn’t.) This was everything he’d ever wanted… Apparently, all Squidward needed was a little bit of mistletoe to be interested in doing this! Maybe he should carry some around in his pocket!
Why was each enthusiastic and energetic kiss leaving Squidward positively breathless? Why did he kind of sort of maybe not want to stop? Why was this happening in the FIRST PLACE? Why was… Why…
WHY WAS SPONGEBOB A GOOD KISSER?!?!
Who had he been able to PRACTICE with!? It certainly wasn’t Sandy, for obvious reasons! So why wasn’t this more awkward?! Why wasn’t this a pathetic, laughable attempt?! Why was this one of the best kisses he’d ever—NO, DAMNIT! THIS WASN’T—THERE WAS NO WAY IT COULD BE ONE OF THE BEST, NO SIR! It was just heat of the moment! The moment that was NOT GOOD, it was – it was a pitiful display really – he was… He was so amazing with his tongue and lips and teeth and—
Squidward was about ready to collapse. Or scream. Or cry. Or vomit. Or die. Or all five. He’d legitimately just thought of Spongebob Squarepants as being a good kisser. Unironically. Maybe because Spongebob Squarepants was still making out with him. His gut seared with shame and something else he really didn’t want to acknowledge. Every last shred of his sanity had shattered, hadn’t it? Was he hallucinating? He was surely tripping the fuck out, right?
… No.
No, this was the real king of geeky, aggravating losers in the flesh, demonstrating his apparent prowess in the art of French kissing that he’d picked up from literally who knew where. The real Spongebob Squarepants turning Squidward’s mind into a puddle of mush. He was livid for so many reasons, but he was also…
Oh, Neptune, he wasn’t ready for this to end.
To his delight displeasure, Spongebob delivered on that, continuing to treat him to a wild, heart-stopping ride of passion. He loved hated the way Spongebob was tugging at his hair and squeezing his hip. The warm weight of his tiny body pressed against his own proved to be really comfortable detestable. He wasn’t at all attracted by his refreshing unremarkable scent. The sounds he was making were enticingly adorable extraordinarily inappropriate and not something Squidward ever wanted to hear in his entire LIFE.
The day Squidward Tentacles enjoyed a hot makeout session with Spongebob Squarepants was the day he declared himself officially insane beyond all repair. He was a lost cause and he was so disappointed in himself. How could he stoop so low? His mother would be ashamed. It—it was just the pheromones! That was all! He wasn’t really reveling in it – that was DISGUSTING!
… Why did he get the sense he’d recently been through a similar experience of questioning his soundness of mind due to Spongebob? Hadn’t he thought some of these exact same things not too long ago for some other reason?
After what seemed to be eons, Spongebob finally withdrew with a groan. A trail of saliva followed him that he broke by licking his lips. Squidward literally heard himself whine at the loss, and was ready to die of shame in that very instant. They were both gasping for breath, exhausted from their tryst. Squidward could feel Spongebob’s small frame shaking too. “Oh, Squiddy,” the blond breathed, feeling even more intoxicated from the divine taste of his friend’s mouth. Lidded eyes met wide ones. “Thank you for the Churrsmurs… Chr… Mmf…” His voice cracked as he spoke. Squidward noticed how messy the other’s hair had gotten and how it was sticking in his face… How scarlet his cheeks were and the way it lit up his freckles… How his eyes held such endearment and were glazed with desire… “Churrsmurs press’nt… Polishin’ my shoes…” Spongebob tried again, very obviously having great difficulty regaining his composure. “I hope y’liked it… Was good fer ya…” A loopy titter left him. Gee, the room had been spinning for quite a while now! “Mmmph… We can go stairs, uh… Down… Nnuh. Kay?” He had no idea where the stairs were and if he did he’d likely have to crawl down them, but he’d cross that bridge when he got to it. He gingerly took a dumbfounded Squidward’s cheeks into his hands and gave him one last tiny, affectionate peck on the lips before pulling away.
Of course, he stumbled a little, squeaking as he hit the other side of the doorframe – whoa. “Oof…” Gotta be careful with those dresser drawers, their teeth could be sharp sometimes… He recovered, though, and managed to sloooowly stagger down the hallway, until he eventually found the stairs – there they were! Ooh, where did they lead to? Boy, he was so dizzy. He was not going to make it safely down those stairs if he tried to walk. Instead, he merely laid himself on his stomach and dragged himself down, having absolutely zero problems with doing so. He was surfing down the stairs! Shoot, he forgot his boogie board… It was perhaps a sad sight to see, but what else would you expect from someone who was absolutely drunk off their ass and high on pheromones? He was the happiest guy in the whole entire universe. Nothing could bother him. Sandy happened to find him halfway down the second flight of stairs and yelped in alarm.
“Spongebob! Are y’all okay?!” She asked, racing to him and picking the poor sot up in her arms.
“Uh huh~…” Spongebob closed his eyes and curled into her, drooling on her suit. “Squiddy wuz real nice’n polished my shoes fer me… Dinn’t even hafta take ‘em off…” Brows raised as Sandy stared down at him. Polished his shoes… SHE KNEW IT! She KNEW they’d been smooching harder than two rabbits in a den in the beginning of April! SUCCESS! SHE’D DONE IT! SHE HAD FINALLY GOTTEN SQUIDWARD AND SPONGEBOB TO KISS! (Assuming that didn’t mean something else entirely, but that was unlikely.)
… Now to hope Squidward didn’t move out or something crazy like that. But she had a feeling… She could sense it, and she had been able to for a while now. She didn’t think Squidward would be going anywhere. Huff and puff as he might, she could see some inkling of emotion there – it was just buried deep, deep down. Even if she was wrong, hey, at least they tried, and she sincerely doubted Squidward would do anything drastic either way. Hopefully, though, this would give his thoughts on it a little jump start. She also hoped nothing else had happened, like an… Accidental confession. Oh, she prayed. Larry would kill her if that happened. And so would Spongebob, actually. Aaaand probably Squidward. So. She hoped it was just a kiss and nothing more. “Did y’all shine ‘em good?” She tucked Spongebob close and carried him downstairs into the living room, where she then sat herself on the couch and kept him curled up in her lap.
“Mmmhmmm… Reeeal good… This Churrsmurs feels like th’very firs’ Churrsmurs t’meeeeeee~…” Sandy gestured to nearby onlookers to be quiet. Spongebob promptly fell asleep, his mewling snores beginning almost immediately. He was completely conked out. A shame since they didn’t get to see too much of Party Sponge, but they could always give him more drinks later! Hearing Spongebob was back, Larry ran into the room, silently questioning what had happened. Sandy gave him a wink and a thumbs-up. He seemed surprised… And uneasy. But instead of making a fuss, he went to go get a blanket and some water for Spongebob. Hopefully he wouldn’t have too much of a hangover when he awoke. The other partygoers began to either celebrate or lament their loss – money had been on that kiss, and that kiss had happened!
Meanwhile…
Squidward had slid down the doorframe slowly the minute Spongebob left, gawking, staring blankly ahead, a hand over his mouth. He just sat there, flabbergasted and white as a sheet, unable to swallow any of this. There was literally nothing in his head. He was in a state of pure shock.
After a solid two minutes of static, a brief flash of a memory hit him and that was enough to flush his cheeks with a bright crimson and get him onto his feet. Having risen too fast, he reeled, but was able to orient himself and surveyed the area frantically.
He needed to leave. He needed to go home right now. He was going to just leave through the back door – better yet, he could jump out the window and hope for a concussion. However he did it, he just needed to go, before anyone saw him or talked to him or even thought of him. He thanked Neptune that he lived right next door – he didn’t have far to go. Squidward made a break for it, running as fast as he possibly could for the exit. His path was luckily clear until the last hallway, but he ignored whoever was standing there and hurtled the hell out of the cozy pineapple of a house, bubbles forming in his wake.
Upon arriving home, Squidward locked every single door and window in the Moai head, and, quivering slightly, just sat on his bed, head bowed, that same shell-shocked expression on his face.
He was having a great deal of trouble thinking. Five minutes passed and he hadn’t moved, nor processed any sort of thought. It was all just white noise. After a few more minutes, he lay down on his side, wriggling under his plush periwinkle blankets so he was at least… Sort of comfortable. It was then he spotted his teddy bear on the pillow across from him – Spongebob had won that for him when Krabs had bought a crane game to keep at the Krusty Krab.
Spongebob…
Tremoring fingers lifted to trace over his lips and the color ultimately surged back into his cheeks.
Spongebob… Kissed him…
The words now echoed in his head.
Wait; was he positive that had been real? It could’ve been a dream! Hold on, WHY WOULD HE DREAM ABOUT THAT?! EW! NO WAY! But—hold on. If he hadn’t dreamt it… That meant it really happened, right? He knew he wasn’t drunk… So… That could only mean one thing.
He’d actually made out with his neighbor, coworker, enemy, rival, definitely-not-friend. They had exchanged… Saliva. Touched tongues. Speaking of TOUCHING, Spongebob had totally groped his chest! Squidward had felt that! HOW HORRIFYINGLY IMPROPER! And then he’d felt up his side and hip. Squeezed, even! And how roughly he pulled on his hair! How dare he?! How dare he… How dare… How…
Squidward continued to ghost the tips of his fingers over his lips in remembrance.
… Why?
Was it just because he’d been drunk? There was no mistake he’d known who he was kissing, but… What had spurred it aside from the drunkenness? He’d never done that before and he’d been plastered at plenty of parties. Not to excess, but just in general. He was a pretty fun drunk, all things considered – though he did get… Flirty.
Wait.
That was right… Usually he became (even more) clingy and bolder in his flirting. But Squidward wasn’t the only one he attempted to woo! He went for Patrick, Sandy, sometimes Larry… On rare occasions, lamps… But usually, he went for… None other than Squidward. But it didn’t mean anything, right? He was just… That was just how he was, wasn’t it? The fact that he sought out Squidward for the kiss was merely a coincidence. He probably tried to kiss the entire party downstairs! It didn’t mean a single thing!
… That gleam in his eyes… That husky and seductive tone… Squidward shivered. He didn’t think Spongebob had it in him, but apparently… Not that he found it attractive or anything outrageously vile like that! He was simply stupefied by it, seeing as how much of a dork the guy was.
Spongebob had said it was his Christmas present, oddly enough. What did that mean? Why was a kiss from Squidward his Christmas present? Did that imply a kiss with everyone else was, too? Perhaps he meant kissing in general…
“Oh, puh-leeze, Squiddy, you know what he meant,” he growled at himself. Of course he’d meant Squidward specifically. There was no mistake about that. ‘Why’ was the only question to be answered. Maybe there was no reason, though – maybe it was just the booze talking, especially taking into account that he’d followed it by saying ‘thanks for polishing my shoes.’
…
As much as Squidward really didn’t want to contemplate it, he realized there was a very simple explanation to all of this. He wasn’t stupid. He knew it was different with him – even if Spongebob DID kiss everyone at the party, it would be different with Squidward. It would be different because his neighbor so very obviously had a crush. Anyone with half a brain could see it – and it wasn’t new, not by any means. Spongebob had been dropping hints left and right for… Squidward didn’t even know how long. A long while. He didn’t pay too much attention to it because it wasn’t his business. Spongebob had never straight up said anything about it so he had no reason to address it. He didn’t know how deep it ran, nor did he particularly care. It was just there, and he chose to ignore it. But… Because of the crush, that kiss… Meant something.
That passion had been a product of Spongebob’s feelings for him and he knew it. Squidward’s stomach churned. Oh, that was revolting. He would NEVER let it happen again. EVER. Who cared about Spongebob’s feelings anyway?! Eugh, how GROSS! So what if there was meaning behind it? It wasn’t like it mattered!
… How long had Spongebob wanted to do that for?
Squidward recalled their very first Christmas. The song they now held as tradition, much to Squidward’s irritation, originated there. Even back then, Spongebob had been oddly interested in Squidward being under the mistletoe. Jeez, that was years ago… Many years. Had he wanted that all this time? Had he held onto his little crush that long? Unless the infatuation was more recent and that incident had just been him being his weird self…
“… WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS?!” Squidward shouted, clawing at his face. There was literally no reason to mull this over because it wasn’t important! Who cared if Spongebob liked him in a ‘more-than-friends’ manner?! Aside from that notion making him ill, it wasn’t of his concern! It wasn’t like he reciprocated those feelings in ANY way! It was what it was – it wasn’t being addressed and therefore it didn’t matter. It was really, really, really, really insignificant. It probably wasn’t even that big of a crush! WHATEVER! Even if it spurred the action, that wasn’t the important part. The important part was that he had just been kissed by—
Another wave of realization smacked him in the face.
He, Squidward Tentacles, had not only been just making out with his dreaded foe Spongebob Squarepants – he, Squidward Tentacles, had been making shamefully needy noises as he (unintentionally) returned the kiss. He, Squidward Tentacles, had squirmed under Spongebob’s touch as they kissed, and had maybe sort of enjoyed it a little.
He’d. Kissed. Spongebob.
Squidward began to scream at last. It had taken him long enough! So, to the shower it was! Time to wash away the impurity and the sin!
Nearly falling out of bed, he scrambled to the bathroom and dry heaved into the toilet until the nausea passed. He then proceeded to scrub his teeth SO HARD his gums bled. He didn’t care about the pain, SO LONG AS HE CLEANSED HIS MOUTH OF THIS FOULNESS! Afterwards, he paused to take a breath, accidentally thought about the situation, and then resumed his screeching. Those screeches soon devolved into sobs as Squidward hurried for the shower, stripped, and immediately began to scour his body with the soap. “NO! NO! NO! H-HE IS NOT A GOOD KISSER! HE IS NOT A GOOD KISSER! H-HOW DARE HE?! DISGUSTING, DISGUSTING, DISGUSTING!!!” Everything was a blur now. He’d lost his self-respect, his sanity, and his lunch from this debacle. A whole slew of emotions raged within him, some of which he had to desperately try to disregard.
Two hours later, one enervated Squidward hauled himself back to bed sluggishly after his purging was complete. He was going to have ONE HELL OF A TALK with a CERTAIN SOMEONE tomorrow. But wait – how could he even face him? How could he look Spongebob in the eye after such an exchange? How could he acknowledge what they’d done? He couldn’t! He couldn’t, it was too humiliating and – NO. He needed to. He needed to be firm and tell him that… That it should never happen again. And that he absolutely hadn’t liked any of it. And that would be that. Nothing more, nothing less. Or, okay, maybe just a little more yelling and telling him how awful it had been. Yes. That would work. He could do it. He was mortified, but he had to press on. He could only pray that no one else had heard about it… After their talk, he’d pretend this NEVER EVER happened and move on with his life. All he had to do was not think about it. How hard could that be?
The next morning, Squidward was a nervous wreck – one glimpse of his ghastly pallor would tell you that. For reasons beyond his comprehension, his hair would not cooperate today – no matter how much he brushed it, it refused to stay put, as if it wanted to spite him by adding to his disheveled look. Reddened eyes and deep facial lines of fatigue implied quite a few things. His anxiety announced itself emphatically by way of making him run his tense, shaky hands up and down his arms then around his sides and back repeatedly in frenzied motions. Getting to work had been an extremely taxing process – he’d struggled the entire way, and it wasn’t just due to the wintry weather. What if people knew? What if Spongebob said something? What if he wanted more? What if he thought Squidward enjoyed it? WELL HE’D RECTIFY THAT ONE! Because he DIDN’T! And he could look Spongebob straight in the eye and TELL HIM THAT WITH UTMOST SINCERITY! (Hopefully.) It was fine. He’d be fine. It would all be fine. Nobody else knew. It had just been a mistake and would never happen again – he’d make sure of it. Spongebob probably hadn’t even noticed the noises Squidward had made, so there was nothing to be ashamed of! IT WAS FINE.
The worn-down mess of a cashier crept to his station cautiously after forcing himself to enter the double doors, wringing his hands while his eyes darted to and fro. The Krusty Krab was quiet and still. No customers were around yet… Mr. Krabs was in his office… Where was Spongebob?
His question was soon answered by a yawn that caused him to jump.
“Ohh boy…” Speak of the devil – Spongebob toddled along on his way to the kitchen, rubbing at his eyes. He didn’t look as terrible as Squidward did, but he certainly wasn’t at his best. He seemed tired, but otherwise okay. All… Cutely bundled up like that in his snow gear. With his gloves and his hat and his scarf and his coat and his booties… “Morning, Squiddy,” he said, offering him a sleepy smile as he passed. The other was thrown off-guard when Spongebob walked right past him. Without a single mention of the party. What the HELL?! Newly enraged, Squidward called after him.
“SPONGEBOB!” He snapped. The blond pivoted on his heel a few steps away from the kitchen door, blinking.
“Wha huh?” Whoa, Squidward was mad already? What had he done?! Squidward faltered under Spongebob’s inquisitive stare that penetrated his very soul. He took a harsh inhale to steel himself.
“LAST NIGHT…”
“Ohhh! Yeah, some party, huh?” Spongebob nodded with a soft chuckle. That was probably why Squidward looked so rough – he must’ve had a LOT of fun! He was so glad. “I’m just tired ‘cause I kinda drank too much and stayed up a lil’ too late… But it was a good time, right? Were you there when we played Christmas Mad Libs? And then Christmas charades? And then ‘dress a person up as a Christmas tree?’ And then Christmas carol-oke? That was lots of fun, hehe.”
“WHA—No, I—!” Why was he being so casual?! Did he just not care about what had happened?! How could he even think to act this way?! “No, I meant earlier—“
“Ohh, earlier? Umm…” Spongebob’s brow furrowed contemplatively. “Like… Earlier as in… When we marathoned Christmas movies? Oh man, I wanna watch more tonight! I need to see Elf again!”
“NO! Earlier than that, you dunderhead!” Jeez, how long had they partied for?! “Right after dinner or—or whatever!” Squidward noticed Spongebob’s expression turn into that of bewilderment and his blood ran cold.
“… Right after dinner? Ummm…” The Krusty Krab’s star frycook scratched at his head, thinking as hard as he could. “Gee, Squidward, I… I think I remember Sandy gave me a drink during dinner… And then… Uh, I dunno. I think I got tired and took a nap and when I woke up a little later, the real party began! Let me tell you, she makes some killer baybreezes. And the best part is I don’t even have a hangover because Larry helped me keep myself hydrated!” How much Spongebob had imbibed was anyone’s guess – though it likely wasn’t much after he woke up from his nap. He only really drank at parties every now and again, so it was pretty easy to bring out the Party Sponge and put the Anxious Host Sponge to rest.
Squidward gawked in stunned silence. He’d… No way. No way. He’d… Forgotten? Spongebob had entirely forgotten about their encounter?! How… HOW DARE HE?! THIS ASSHOLE HAD THE GALL TO WALTZ IN, KISS HIM SO HARD HE QUESTIONED REALITY, LEAVE, FALL ASLEEP SOMEWHERE, AND FORGET WHAT HAD EVEN HAPPENED?! “Y-yuh… You… You…” Concern crossed Spongebob’s face as Squidward began to twitch.
“… Uh… Squiddy? Why are you twitching like that?”
“Yuh—you—y-y—I—gghh— AAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!” Squidward voiced his frustrations once again, yanking at his unruly hair. Spongebob flinched and, with a squeak, instinctively raised his arms to shield himself. Before he could inquire any further, the other stormed off with long strides, seething. Right out of the Krusty Krab and into the mounds of snow that blanketed Bikini Bottom.
“I CANNOT BELIEVE HIM!” Squidward shouted at a nearby snowman, who did not reply. “WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?! HE—WE—I— DIDN’T IT MEAN SOMETHING TO HIM?!” Cheeks blazing, he covered his mouth with a gloved hand.
Had he really just said that? He just got done insisting it didn’t MATTER what it meant to Spongebob! And it… AND IT DIDN’T! It was just that..! It was downright INSULTING! So Spongebob kisses the guy he likes and FORGETS?! Who would forget about something like that?! Even if the guy he likes hates him, the guy he likes is still super beautiful and fabulous and NOBODY should be able to forget the sizzling experience he’d gift to them! It was a PRESENT, all right! (Oh, don’t be full of yourself, Squidward.) All of that – all of that moaning and biting and licking and grabbing – ALL FOR WHAT?! FOR NOTHING?! HE’D HAD TO ENDURE THAT HELL FOR – FOR NOTHING?! HE HAD TO BE TORTURED BY IT AND SPONGEBOB COULD JUST GO ALONG WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD?!
It was true that Spongebob had forgotten – that part of the night was completely blanked out for him. He was under the impression he drank too much and passed out… Which was precisely the case give or take a few details, and it probably wasn’t the greatest idea to drink more after that, but hey. While he was clueless, their other friends weren’t. Oh no, they most certainly knew. They didn’t tell Spongebob for a specific reason – they really did not want him having a meltdown because they knew what he’d done hadn’t caused any lasting damage, and… It was fun to watch Squidward squirm. Especially in situations like this. So, if asked, they’d all pretend they had no idea either and just enjoy the show. It was a shame, though. Spongebob had his first kiss with the man he loved… And had no recollection of it.
Squidward spent a few minutes kicking at snow while yelling incoherently and snorting like an angry seahorse. Powdery crystals of ice sprayed in every direction during his rampage. The snowman sat there, a motionless observer. It was FINE! He didn’t care! Why would he care?! GOOD! This was GREAT, actually! He didn’t want Spongebob to remember! Because that meant he could just throw the memory away without issue! Without being reminded of it or pestered about it! He could pretend it never happened just like he wanted! He didn’t have to suffer – he could just ignore it, no problem! “Stupid Spongebob! Moron! IDIOT! BARNACLEHEAD!” He was only angry because he’d been subjected to torment and it had all been for naught! It was so RUDE! That guy was a real piece of work! “’I’ve been lookin’ all over for you, Squiddy!’” He mimicked bitterly, still stomping around. The darkened water overhead easily paralleled his mood. “YEAH, WELL, YOU’D BETTER NOT ‘LOOK FOR ME’ AGAIN! EVER! I WON’T ALLOW IT!” He never, EVER wanted more! He never wanted to feel the rushing warmth created by affectionate touches, or breathy sighs against his lips, or hair tickling at his jaw, or arms wound tightly around him, or…
He finally stopped and released a distressed wail, burying his face into his hands. HE WAS SO LONELY! He’d been single for such a long time! Far too long, really, and – wait a second…
It suddenly dawned on him that the only reason he sort of maybe (DIDN’T) enjoy that kiss was because… He was just so deprived of physical contact. Squidward didn’t want it to be Spongebob, he wanted it to be someone else… But Neptune hated him too much to grant him that. He’d almost forgotten what it was like to kiss someone… The reminder was painful. Maybe he should try finding a date again? That way, he wouldn’t have to feel so weird about this kiss with Spongebob, because he knew he was just lonesome and unused to such interactions! Yes… That was it! While it was horrifying to think he’d sunk so low and become so desperate he would even slightly savor any sort of contact with his neighbor, it made some sense given his current relationship status. He sank to his knees, reassured, a hand over his pounding heart.
“Oh, thank Neptune…” Squidward sniffled while rubbing at his face, some tension lifting from his stiff shoulders. “M-maybe I’m not so crazy after all… Just—just pathetically desperate. I… B-but I never want to experience that with him again! I’ll try to – to find someone. And then the joke will be on HIM! HA! He’ll still be a single loser and I won’t be!”
Desperate indeed, Squidward. That’s precisely why you’d been haunted by sexual fantasies of Spongebob masturbating when you found his collection of adult items some months ago. Desperation. That had been repressed, though, as this too might be. At the time, he’d been unyielding in his assertion that there was no way he was needy enough to daydream about Spongebob and the fact that he had was only due to his discovery forcing the repulsive imagery upon him. Now, he was relieved by the fact that he had ‘only liked it because he was lonely and needy.’ An interesting development, to be sure.
He’d run out of steam – it was time to go back inside. Eased by his realization, he would put all of this behind him and forget about it just like Spongebob did. The snowman, having grown tired of Squidward’s antics, turned and slid away, leaving him. A scoff sounded. “Puh. Some help he was. Snowmen are always so flaky.” He paused, and was then unable to prevent himself from snickering at his fortuitous pun. “Heh. Flaky. Snowmen, hahah. Oh, Squiddy, you are a true genius. You may be a deplorable pile of garbage, but you’re a damn genius.”
Spongebob watched his friend return through the kitchen window, his head resting in his arms which were propped up on the sill. To his astonishment, Squidward seemed to be in a much better mood now – his shoulders were no longer up to his ears and there was a swagger in his step. “Maybe he just needed to vent,” the blond mused, having seen his tantrum outside. What about last night could have possibly invoked such wrath? It was hard to tell just why he was upset sometimes, because what he said wasn’t always the truth. Even if there was obviously more to the story, it didn’t mean Spongebob would be able to figure it all out. It was distressing because all he wanted was Squidward’s happiness… He just had to keep trying his best to provide him with love and care.
“Spongebob.” He was wrenched back into reality by Squidward marching right over, placing his hands either side of Spongebob’s elbows, and leaning down just slightly with a triumphant smirk on his face. The other jerked back a little.
“Ah—?”
“You know that I hate you, right?” Squidward asked in a voice as sweet as honey – a tone that didn’t match his words in the least.
“Uh… Oh, uhm… Yeah?” Spongebob managed, feeling just slightly intimidated by such a direct approach paired with – well, you know. Hearing ‘I hate you’ wasn’t always that pleasant.
“And you know I’m not interested in ever doing anything of any sort with you, right?” Squidward had to be careful with what he said – he didn’t want to mistakenly lead Spongebob to believe something happened last night that he’d forgotten about.
“Uh huh?” Spongebob squirmed in discomfort. Satisfied, Squidward turned around to man his post.
“Good. I just wanted to remind you.” Ahhh, there! All better! Now that was cleared up! All he had left to do was destroy the memory. Spongebob sighed and padded back to his station as well. Squidward had been in such a good mood last night, too… He wondered if something happened. He had tried to make that party perfect, but perhaps he’d screwed up somehow. He sure hoped not. Either way, Squidward seemed okay now..? So it was likely best to leave it be.
The rest of the day went by without incident. Patrick swung by the Krusty Krab to invite Spongebob to go sledding with him to which he happily agreed – at the end of their shift, he donned his stupidly cute winter outfit and waved to Squidward before leaving. Ignoring him, Squidward headed home to relax and revitalize. That would henceforth be the motto: ignore Spongebob. Over the next couple of days, his attempt to do so was actually going decently well – he kept himself distracted, paying no attention to Spongebob and trying not to think about the thing until one afternoon when Sadie Asbury and Jennifer Millie walked into the Krusty Krab…
The pair entered holding hands, and they initially didn’t quite approach the counter – they stood back, studying the menu. “What did you want, sweetie?” Sadie asked. Squidward’s gaze flickered upwards from his magazine – they were huddled awfully close… It was cold, but…
“I don’t know, babe… I kind of wanted to try something different today…” Squidward’s brows rose steadily. Since when were they dating? That was news. He was a total sucker for gossip, so he paid attention to these things just in case something juicy was going on. Still, it wasn’t all that fascinating until a few moments later when Jennifer took Sadie’s face in her hands, giggling.
“Heehee! Do you know how red your cheeks are? It’s so cute!”
“Wha—hey, it was cold out! I’m trying to decide, c’mon!” Despite her protests, Sadie laughed in kind. Squidward couldn’t help but watch as Jennifer leaned in and kissed both of Sadie’s red cheeks, her nose, and then her lips. It was a brief gesture of endearment, but it caused Squidward to twitch and blush all the same. A sigh from behind him took him by surprise.
“Awww…” Spongebob, who had come to deliver an order, was looking on from the window with a dreamy expression, his cheek smushed into his palm. “How cute… So she did end up asking her out! Gosh, I’m so happy for them…”
“GAH!” Squidward’s cry attracted attention from not only Spongebob, but the women in question. “Spongebob what—“ He whipped around and, after taking one glance at his coworker, made a strange choking noise that stopped his sentence in its tracks. He had been avoiding looking at Spongebob for more than very brief periods for days now. In failing that, and making eye-contact to boot, he was instantly reminded of the thing.
For some reason, the sight of him just – something about – was his tie looser than normal? His hair seemed shinier too… And was that shirt tighter and more form-fitting than the others he owned? Was he hallucinating or—? Holy shrimp, was that cologne? Or was that his soap? Or maybe it was his natural aroma?! Why did it smell so AMBROSIAL now?! It wasn’t like Squidward never actually noticed the way he smelled; it had just become so oddly prominent since the thing! And WHOA, WHOA, WAIT A SECOND. HOLD ON A MINUTE. Glasses?! Since when did… Glasses—! DORKY, GEEKY, thick, black square frames that illuminated the stunning blue of his irises. That was—they were—he knew they existed, but Spongebob rarely wore them to work! He used his contacts more often than not! But wow, they looked really… Maybe he should wear them more often… The guy wasn’t doing anything but standing there, and yet—!
What Squidward is seeing: “Oh, I’m sorry, Squidward, I was just so distracted~… Did you need something~..?” Sparkles float about the kitchen while sexy jazz music plays in the background. Spongebob has cutely knocked his glasses askew with the hand that was pressed to his cheek. His spatula dangles daintily from the hand brought to his chest. He bats his long eyelashes as he speaks in an airy and teasing manner. His smile is demure, but there is a veiled playfulness that flickers within his cerulean depths. Half of his shirt is unbuttoned his tie is undone for no explicable reason.
What is actually happening: “Um, Squidward? Is everything alright?” Spongebob asks, concerned and terribly perplexed. He stands up straight, tilting his head just slightly as he waits for an answer. His shirt is of normal tightness and his tie is correctly drawn to his neck. Nothing is out of the ordinary. He is not about to start dropping patties ‘accidentally’ in order to flaunt his rear whilst picking them up or anything of the sort. He is simply standing there.
Poseidon help him, Spongebob’s lips looked so soft… The worst part was that Squidward now knew they actually were. Try as he might to bleach his brain, the knowledge remained. So pink and full… Slightly parted… Given a slight sheen from the lights… Just begging for a ki—
And at that point he’d had about enough. Squidward clasped his hands over his mouth with a look of sheer mortification. He’d gone a nice rich shade of crimson. With no hesitation, he leapt over the side of the cashier’s boat and ran for the bathroom. By some miracle, it was empty. He stumbled over to the sink and used it for support, wheezing, a tremble surging through his body. “C-c-calm down Squiddy, calm— calm— pull yourself together—“ He splashed cold water on his face to combat the scorching heat. “What am I THINKING?!” What method of sorcery was this?! What spell had Spongebob cast upon him?! Perhaps it was how utterly bewitching his gaze could be? Or maybe… “NO. Stop – enough.” He took the deepest possible breath he could to cease the downward spiral of his tumultuous thoughts. It was alright. All that happened was that he saw a couple kissing and there was NO need to freak out. The incident was still fresh so naturally, he’d be reminded of it. Everything was cool. He wasn’t thinking weird things about Spongebob and if he were, he didn’t mean it – his brain was just… Mixed up! He’d be okay. Easy. Deep breaths.
He felt weak… Oh, and FISHPASTE, he’d made a huge scene! He could hardly believe how badly this whole thing was fucking him up. He really had lost it and he could only wonder how he’d managed to sink lower than he ever imagined possible. Inevitably, Spongebob had been overcome by worry for his best friend, and his dramatic entrance of calling out the other’s name created another kerfluffle and poor Squidward ended up on the floor. “SQUIDWARD?! OH MY STARS AND GARTERS, ARE YOU SICK OR SOMETHING?! WHAT’S WRONG!?” Spongebob knelt down beside him and gripped his shoulders, panic-stricken. Rather than answering, Squidward merely dropped his head and panted, struggling to regulate his system. “Squid—guh—I’m—what…” Spongebob stuttered a few times, but in seeing he was getting no responses, instead forced himself to do the same to reduce the sky-high tension in the room.
The pair soon quieted themselves, and after a few moments of silent recalibrating, Squidward smacked Spongebob’s hands away and stood up, blinking away the unbidden tears in his eyes. “Don’t touch me,” he growled. “I’m fine. It’s none of your business. Leave me ALONE. I just have… A bit of a fever or something, and it’s making me feel weird. It’ll pass, and I DON’T need you mollycoddling me over a silly little flu. And if you dare say one word, Spongebob, so help me. Do. Not.” Gods above, HE needed a drink. A lot of them, actually. Or maybe he didn’t, since he was already fucking horrendously delusional. He half-wondered if he really did have the flu or if someone was secretly spiking his food or something. Gee, this all felt REALLY familiar for some reason… Though he wasn’t looking at Spongebob, he could hear tiny sniffles, but he was too furious and baffled by it all to care. Of course he was crying. What a shock. … Oh well. At least humiliating himself in front of customers was nothing new… And at least Spongebob was listening for once.
Squidward turned to leave, hoping the customers would shrug off what they’d just witnessed, but to his ever-present luck, he was met with their boss.
“Hold it RIGHT there, Mister Squidward! WHAT is goin’ on with you boys?! Yer leavin’ the customers by themselves out there! What’s all this fuss? Why’s Spongebob cryin’ on the floor? Why’d yeh go scarin’ me customers, Squidward? What is the problem here?!” The burly blue-clad man stood with arms crossed and foot a-tappin’. Eugene was none too happy – their antics were interfering with the flow of money! If only it weren’t so expensive to hire extra employees for when his first mates went AWOL…
“There is no PROBLEM, Mr. Krabs.” Squidward forcefully pushed past him, hands balled into fists at his sides. He refused to look at anyone, instead choosing a nice spot on the floor to stare at, wishing his cheeks would stop burning. “I think I’ve come down with the flu. That’s all. I was feeling a bit faint. I’m fine now.”
“The flu?! OH no, no employee of mine is gonna be contaminatin’ the food, the money, or the customers! Get yer hindquarters OUTTA HERE, Mister Squidward!” Eugene instructed, pointing to the front doors. He didn’t have to tell Squidward twice, that was for sure. In all honesty, he knew that it wasn’t a flu that had his employee all ruffled… But he’d begrudgingly allow it to run its course rather than say anything about it. If it was stirring things this much, maybe it would lead the two closer to an answer for their relationship. Maybe they’d finally get together and stop wasting so much damn time on this song and dance – then they’d make him more money since they wouldn’t have to keep disrupting things with it!
Squidward was slightly surprised by his boss’s allowance, but wasted no time in taking flight. Any and all stares and whispers were disregarded as he trudged right out of the restaurant to his boat while trying not to cry, his boots crunching loudly in the snow. It was fine. He hadn’t just made a complete imbecile of himself. No, no, NO. Time to go home. Time to take the week off and sleep the entire time.
Still sitting on the bathroom floor, Spongebob shuddered in distress – why wasn’t he allowed to help? Was Squidward really sick or was it something else? This was scary! He sniveled. Eugene helped him up and offered him a handkerchief. “Don’t worry about it, lad. It isn’t really that serious. He’ll be alright; he just needs some time to ‘imself. Try lettin’ him come to yeh when he’s ready, okay? It ain’t personal – he just ain’t feelin’ well and you know how that goes.” Krabs rolled his eyes. How crabby Squidward could become was astounding at times. His opinion was that the guy needed a good smack or five to set him straight, but he doubted it would work.
“Bu—bu—is he… D-do you know what’s going on..?” Spongebob wiped at his face with the handkerchief, still giving quiet hiccups and shaky sighs. Squidward ignoring him wasn’t all that shocking, but today’s reaction was so strange, and combined with the day after the party… He just couldn’t figure it out. He wanted to know!
“Well, I haven’t heard of any flus goin’ around, but with this blasted weather, I don’t doubt it,” Eugene said, glancing over at Spongebob. There was a pause when green met blue.
“… Are you sure?” Spongebob asked in a muffled voice from behind the handkerchief that he’d pressed over his nose and mouth, his watery eyes trained intently on the other. Eugene opened his mouth to respond, but at first, nothing came. He could tell… Spongebob knew. The boy was fully aware that it wasn’t a flu that was plaguing Squidward. He wasn’t stupid – okay, well, at times he could be, but he could also be very insightful and incisive. In that moment, Eugene wanted to tell him – he felt bad for him, and just… Oh, what a fine mess this was. Telling the truth would only worsen things; while it would explain Squidward’s moodiness, Spongebob would just be so utterly destroyed knowing he’d done that and even more wounded by the reaction it got and it just… It wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth breaking the poor thing with anxiety because it really wasn’t that big of a deal. If Squidward told him, that would be handled accordingly, but the chances of that were slim to none. Squidward could take care of himself. His hissy fit would fizzle out soon. And maybe, just maybe, he’d learn a damn thing or two from it. This whole ‘not-so-secretly in love with Squidward’ situation would eventually hit a turning point… It was certainly ramping up. He hoped that it would wind up being beneficial for Spongebob. If only he could persuade him to chase anyone other than Squidward! Ah, but attempts at that had failed so far, and would continue to fail so long as Spongebob held out hope that there was a prospect of being with him.
Exhaling, Eugene reached out and gave Spongebob’s shoulder a solid squeeze, compassion gracing his features. “… No. I’m not sure, Spongebob. It could be anything. But, whatever it is, just let it be. It’ll pass.” Clearly, Spongebob wasn’t happy with this answer. He clutched the kerchief as he lowered it, his lip wibbling again.
“But—“
“No.” Eugene pressed a finger to his lips to shush him straightaway. “No, Spongebob.” A whine. “No. I know yer worried, but you need to stop. Go read a book or watch TV or whatever it is that you kids do. Just go clear yer head and stop tryin’ to fix something that doesn’t need to be fixed! Let him do it on his own.” Spongebob tried to protest no further. He only wilted – that wasn’t what he wanted to hear, but… Maybe Mr. Krabs was right. Maybe it was just something he had to let go of. It was hard because he was afraid he’d done something wrong, but… Squidward probably wasn’t going to tell him, so there was nothing he could do no matter what.
“… Aye aye, sir…”
“Good boy! Now off with yeh, go make me some money! And it’s Christmastime y’know – go look at lights or go ornament shoppin’ after work! Do something fun, treat yerself! Forget about that old stick-in-the-mud!” Eugene guffawed then, thumping his employee on the back so hard it knocked him off-balance.
“Wah! Uh—I…” With the force of the gesture, his glasses were knocked slightly down the bridge of his nose – after adjusting them, he chewed on his lip thoughtfully. Well… That did sound pretty fun… He did love going around the city to see all the lights! As long as he bundled up, he could window shop and maybe buy some presents for people! “I… Yeah. Okay, yeah, you’re right! I will!” A resolute nod. He just had to put his mind to something else – he could go see the FAKE SANTA! Those were like the real Santa, except they were just his helpers and they were all over the world! They looked similar to him but you knew it was a helper if he was working at someplace like a mall. The real Santa only had time to visit peoples’ houses on Christmas Eve, after all! He gasped. “MR. KRABS! Did the helper Santa set his workshop up at the mall yet?!” Eugene watched in relief as life and enthusiasm returned to Spongebob.
“Err, I dunno. I think so! You should go check later! Just finish rakin’ in the dough for today first. And if yeh see Pearlie when yer there… Please tell ‘er to stop spendin’ all me money!” He groaned at the mere thought of it. She had her own job and she was STILL using his money! Little bloodsucker… Took after her father, she did. He was proud, but his wallet sure wasn’t. Spongebob gave a little laugh.
“Will do, sir! I’M READY! ORDER UUUUUUUP!” He cheered, jogging back to his post to turn those customers’ frowns UPSIDE-DOWN! The thought of talking to Santa (or in this case, Santa’s assistant) was totally revving him up! He couldn’t WAIT! He was grateful to have Mr. Krabs to lean on for advice. He was feeling better already!
“I can’t believe this. I can’t. What was I doing earlier? Why was—was his shirt really unbutto—OF COURSE IT WASN’T, YOU ABSOLUTE KELP-FOR-BRAINS! What is the MATTER with me?! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?! I’VE DONE NOTHING WRONG! I don’t deserve this! This agony, this woe – it’s ENTIRELY unjustified! I have been nothing but a compassionate and kind person, and THIS IS THE THANKS I GET?! Thoughts of—of SPONGEBOB OF ALL PEOPLE?! And not only that, but having to endure a KISS from him!? I’VE GOT A REAL BONE TO PICK WITH YOU, KING NEPTUNE! His—he—it’s HIS fault for wearing those GLASSES and for being so IMPROPER as to UNDO HIS SHIRT AND TIE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WORKDAY! POLISH HIS SHOES, WHY I NEVER! AND THEN HE FORGETS! WHAT AN ASSHOLE! I HATE HIM SO DAMN MUCH! I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM! HE DOES NOTHING BUT CAUSE ME ANGUISH! HE’S SO FUCKING INFURIATING AND RUDE AND IGNORANT AND IMBECILIC AND DISMISSIVE OF FEELINGS AND DISRESPECTFUL OF BOUNDARIES AND CLINGY AND PUSHY AND ATTENTION-HUNGRY AND SELFISH AND EGOTISTICAL AND PRESUMPTUOUS AND FUCK!! FUCK HIM! I DESPISE EVERY FIBER OF HIS BEING! SOMEONE LIKE HIM DOESN’T DESERVE ME! I’M TOO GOOD FOR HIM! I SHOULD HAVE ONLY THE BEST! HE’S NOTHING BUT A BOTTOMFEEDER AND HE ISN’T EVEN WORTHY OF BREATHING THE SAME WATER AS I DO! HOW DARE HE MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY?! HOW DARE HE RESORT TO UNDERHANDED TRICKERY TO MAKE ME—TO MAKE ME FEEL—AND SORT OF THINK HE’S—AGH! NO! Don’t fall for it, Squiddy! He’s not—it’s FINE! IT’S SO FUCKING FINE THAT I’M GOING TO FUCKING, JUST, FORGET ABOUT IT! IT HONESTLY NEVER EVEN HAPPENED AND I CAN JUST GO ON HATING HIM LIKE USUAL! I WON’T NEED TO DISGRACE MYSELF IN FRONT OF OTHERS BECAUSE I WON’T HAVE ANY WEIRD ASS THOUGHTS! LOOK, I’LL EVEN PROVE IT RIGHT NOW—“
Squidward was ranting and raving at the top of his lungs, doing anything to try to expel this unspeakable sickness that poisoned his body and mind. He was storming about his house, throwing anything unbreakable he could find. Upon making his eighteenth lap around his home, he circled back to his television whilst evading fallen objects, plopped his ass right down on the couch, and in some crazy, desperate attempt to prove that this wasn’t at all affecting him, turned on a romance movie. In order to calm his blistering blood, he panted harshly, bubbles forming each time his chest heaved. His teal tresses were completely ruffled and wild from him running about and pulling at them. He was so unkempt and out-of-sorts and it was so damn hot he was this close to running outside and faceplanting in the snow. … In all honesty, that was actually a good idea.
The beginning of the movie was mild enough that Squidward was able to ease his ragged breaths and fall into a stoic stillness. The main characters met one another and blah blah blah falling in love blah wacky antics blah blah. It was when they started getting closer that he became nervous. It was okay. Just two characters realizing their feelings for each other and going out on a date. Nothing wild or crazy here. “T… Take it easy, Squiddy old boy… Perhaps doing this today wasn’t the best idea…” He was still jittery from earlier. Soon, the time for the first kiss came, and he held his breath – here it was. The moment of truth. Carmine eyes were glued to the television as the pair embraced, running their hands over one another’s bodies, crooning affectionately in each other’s ears… The main character first kissed up their partner’s neck, then along their jawline to their chin… Their lips met, and Squidward swallowed thickly. It was a sensual, romantic kiss. It didn’t last for too long, and when they pulled back, they smiled, laughed, and held each other tight. This one was definitely more intimate than what he’d seen at the Krusty Krab.
His gaze gradually lowered after the scene ended. Trying his best to prevent himself from blushing, he stared down at his lap, hands clenched into fists. He breathed a puff of water. Unfortunately, his efforts to stop the heat were wasted – he reddened significantly as he processed the scene. Breathe… Calm… Breathe…
…
His kiss with Spongebob had been more of the needy, frenzied and passionate kind rather than the slow and sensual… What would it be like if..?
Naturally, Squidward began to shriek at the notion. This was becoming such a frequent occurrence that it was a wonder Neptune didn’t hear him all the way from Atlantis.
WHAT WAS THAT THOUGHT JUST NOW?! He’d FAILED! He’d utterly and wholly FAILED! Such a simple test – FAILED! WHY WAS IT SO DIFFICULT TO STOP THINKING ABOUT THE DAMN KISS?! WHY HAD HE JUST IMAGINED ANOTHER?! He had TOTALLY just envisioned what it would be like to have that sort of serene and languid kiss with Spongebob! Oh, NEPTUNE! He’d legitimately imagined HIMSELF… Holding Spongebob tight… Running his hand down his back to rest just above his tailbone… While Spongebob’s hands roam aimlessly around his torso in turn… And Spongebob smiles and giggles softly against his lips between kisses… Then Spongebob moves to kiss lazily at his jaw and neck, and then nuzzles his collarbone…
This ended in him flopping onto his side in defeat and merely bawling into his hands. This was too much. It was EXCRUCIATING. He hated this – hated every second of it – hated the person causing it, hated that he couldn’t stop these invasive thoughts, hated that he was so weak, hated that he’d stooped so low, hated that his mind had apparently deteriorated altogether, hated the sick part of himself that seemed to like it, hated the fact that he was single and craved affection, hated the fact that he couldn’t fucking control himself in any capacity and repeatedly made an utter buffoon of himself in public, hated the nightmarish visions his mind conjured up, hated the fact that Spongebob had dared kiss him in the first place… He needed to call his therapist. Pronto. She’d know what to do. Maybe she could hypnotize him into forgetting? She likely didn’t have any specialization in that, but it was worth a shot to ask…
Squidward’s overdramatic and excessively volatile reactions to the subject of Spongebob would seem outlandish to anyone. They were unnecessary and unreasonable. They were undeserved and unfair to Spongebob. They were unhealthy for the both of them. Yes, Spongebob could be incredibly annoying, and disliking him was one thing – savage hostility and resentment that was expressed so consistently, even sans provocation, was another. While there was no excuse for his behavior, there was a reason.
An obvious reason would be how persistent Spongebob was – not only could his personality be entirely grating, but he also didn’t always know when to quit. He could be sort of oblivious and had trouble distinguishing boundaries. If someone was already cross with him and he kept on pestering them, it would only cause more issues. He had improved over the years, but he still had work to do in that area.
There was a deeper reason than that, however.
Ironically, Spongebob reminded Squidward of himself; everything he’d been taught to hate within himself. While perhaps difficult to believe, it was the truth – he had once been similar to Spongebob. He had once been unashamed in feeling and expressing enthusiasm and exuberance. While he did still hold passion for things, he forced himself to taper a lot of his excitement.
His mentor had been Squilliam Fancyson III. They’d dated back in college, and Squilliam refused to be seen with Squidward if he acted in what was considered an ‘embarrassing and uncool’ manner. No longer was he allowed to jump for joy – instead, he had to construct a pretentious and ‘adultlike’ persona. He could not enjoy things that were deemed as childish or lowbrow. He was not allowed to do ‘cringeworthy and immature’ things such as talk loudly with excitement over something, hop about in delight, or act in any way that wasn’t cool, collected and sophisticated. If he did anything of the sort, he’d be reprimanded. He had to be an adult, and adults didn’t show such emotions.
Spongebob proudly flaunted everything Squidward had been forced to conceal. Spongebob was permitted to be juvenile and carefree and jubilant and passionate and energetic and…
Squidward resented it. It roused a lot of negative feelings within him that were extremely hard to deal with, and thusly presented as anger, reinforced by the ingrained adult façade. At the same time, however, he secretly found it refreshing and endearing and… He longed to feel that way again. To break down these harmful ideals and to stop hiding his emotions. To stop hurting people. To be happy again. To live again. Maybe being a kid, a goofball, a wingnut, and a Knucklehead McSpazatron wasn’t all that bad.
Spongebob Squarepants was a good person. He was sweet, kind and caring. He always did his best to help others and prioritized them over himself. He strove to make people smile and brighten up their days. He was talented, entertaining and driven. While naïve and exasperating, he was still lovable – he had flaws, just like anyone else. Underneath it all, Squidward knew that he cared for his neighbor a great deal and was truly grateful for his generosity and devotion… And he really was so sorry for being such a despicable asshole to him. A friend who wasn’t a friend. A loser who didn’t deserve anything he was given. He kept repeating the same mistakes and he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to make up for it. He hated Spongebob, but he loved him too.
That being said, that was all… Mostly… On a platonic level. Going any further than that reactivated his defenses and suppressed those feelings – though to be fair, they were usually suppressed regardless. Romantic was a step too close and it would turn his entire world and everything he knew upside down. Liking him in a platonic way was hard enough to accept – how could he even ATTEMPT to think about anything else? Squidward had denial on top of his denial and it was bundled up in rage and depression. Spongebob was annoyingly immature and he hated him, and those were the facts. He’d never been interested in him and never would be, and those were the facts. He’d always just see him as a moronic coworker and neighbor that he perhaps inwardly appreciated, and those were the facts. It had been this way for many years and it wouldn’t change, especially not from some stupid kiss.
There was no possible way he could feel something like that for someone he despised so much! It made absolutely zero sense. Imagining a relationship with him was nauseating – why would he ever want to spend time with him or touch him or share a bed with him or go on dates with him or ANY of that garbage? If others wanted to, whatever. While he questioned their tastes, it was neither here nor there. As for HIMSELF? Oh no, absolutely NOT. Spongebob’s desires be damned – it wasn’t going to happen. Ever. Not in this lifetime, not in the next lifetime, not in the one after that. Never. He would surely get over his little crush and move on when someone else came along – it wasn’t worth it to make himself queasy by contemplating the notion.
Squidward cried for a good hour, overwhelmed, confused and consumed by the ravenous maw of self-pity. He couldn’t handle this; he wasn’t ready. There were too many things to face… Not only did he have to work through and decipher his feelings with Spongebob, but also his feelings with himself and his past. It was all tangled up in a forebodingly gargantuan, gnarled knot that he had to try to dismantle. There was no sense in getting into it… Spongebob had forgotten about this kiss and he sure as HELL would not be reminding him, ever, at all. It was best to just bury this and never address anything. That way, so long as Spongebob never brought anything up, they could all continue on their merry ways and everything would stay the same and he’d never be required to face that knot.
The television, left unattended, pulsed with a soft glow, giving off restful background noise. The unintelligible chatter drowned out his heavy-hearted sniffles and sobs – only the blowing of his nose rose above it. By the time he’d exhausted himself, used tissues littered the area and the blanket he’d gotten drooped off of the couch and pooled on the floor near his feet. Everything hurt. The box of chocolate was now empty. He pushed himself up and staggered over to the front door. White flurries greeted him when he opened it, clinging to his shirt as they pleased. He could barely see due to how swollen his eyes had become, but he figured the snow looked deep enough…
He promptly allowed himself to fall facefirst into the pristine drifts.
While Squidward locked himself up at home to brood, Spongebob preoccupied himself by going shopping and seeing Santa after work. This continued for the next couple of days. Staying inside didn’t seem to hold a lot of relief for Squidward – while at least he didn’t have to suffer through going to the Krusty Krab and seeing Spongebob, it was just… Nothing helped. He was miserable for so many reasons. Not even his fuzzy bathrobe, chocolates and foreign dramas were working! Numerous things were tried, but not a single one assuaged him. He eventually decided that he should go outside and get the flow of some fresh currents, even if it was just for a short while…
It was flurrying. Flakes fell gingerly from above, enveloping the vast expanse of the seafloor in a soft silence. Such a silence was almost resounding. The currents rustled some leaves of kelp every so often and animals hid away in their homes. There was a satisfying heaviness in the water. The scenery was truly picturesque and it was… Soothing. Things were still and tranquil… He got a little lost in staring at all of the glowing lights strung on nearby houses. Since he had first made sure Spongebob wasn’t home before he ventured outside, he knew he was safe. He wanted to… Go into town though, maybe. Go shopping. A shopping trip would do him some good, yeah? He could look at art supplies and new clarinets… Yes. Shopping it was. He’d treat himself. Lord knew he needed it. He spent a little while cleaning off his boat and taking in his surroundings. As Squidward slid into the driver’s seat, he prayed he wouldn’t encounter too many lovey-dovey couples lest his fragile mind shatter more than it already had.
The city was hustling and bustling as per usual. Everyone was bundled up, head to toe, to shield themselves from the cold weather. Many folks were struggling under the weight of gifts, hailing taxies for their endless bags of presents. Others seemed to prefer window shopping, and were significantly less burdened. The streets and sidewalks were slushy and wet from snow, and salt crunched beneath many a passerby’s shoe. Christmas decorations were everywhere – lights and garland were hung on numerous buildings and trees, café signs had little gingerbread men and snowflakes drawn on them, and holiday music floated out between the opening and closing of store doors. Squidward headed straight for the music store – perusing the instruments would cheer him right up! It always did! The little bell on the door chimed as he walked in, and the shopkeeper greeted him from behind the counter. “Heyyyy! Zere he is! Squidward, où étais-tu passé, mon ami? It has been three weeks, I was getting worried!” A tired and crooked smile was Squidward’s response.
“Sorry. I’ve been terribly busy – you know how it is,” he said in a low voice, ambling over to one of the display cases, hands in his coat pockets. He’d known Julien for a long time now – he frequented the art and music stores in the area and had familiarized himself with the workers there. He enjoyed their company whenever he went, as they all had good taste and provided interesting conversation.
“Oh, oui, je sais. Ze holidays are always so hectic – it is difficult to get anything done! I am telling you, it is—AH! Squidward – you look terrible! Oh la vache de mer, have you been doing alright?!”
Squidward blinked – did he really look that rough? Yikes, how embarrassing… He’d better cover up some more. He pulled his scarf up to his nose, but not before daring a peek at his reflection in the glass of the case. “… Oh,” he unwittingly said aloud. Yes, yep. Uh huh. Mmhmm. He had absolutely left the house without taking much a look at himself and without making himself even remotely presentable enough for being in public. Why, again? Luckily, his hat covered his wild hair, but his face was an entirely different story. His cheeks seemed more sunken than usual. His nose was red from not only the cold, but very plainly from blowing it so much with how the blotchy color formed around his nostrils. His eyes were the true offender; they were bloodshot as could be and puffy to HELL and back with the skin around the corners being quite irritated. He honestly looked as if he’d been punched more than once. There was a pause as he inwardly panicked, searching for an excuse for his woebegone countenance, before he found an easy one: “… I’m, ah, sick.” Smooth. Nice. It was the easiest and yet the most believable coverup in the book, and it lined up with what he’d told Mr. Krabs! … Not that Julien would know that, but still.
“Zhen why are you out of bed?!” Julien chided, placing his hands on his hips. “You should not be wandering about, exposing yourself to Neptune knows what else! You need rest, not clarinet reeds!”
“I-it looks worse than it actually is, I promise!” Squidward held up his hands defensively. “Listen, I’m fine. I took some medicine and I’ve been in bed for days.” Both statements were actually true. “I’m finally feeling a little better and wanted to go out for a bit.” A lie; more like he wasn’t feeling better and was trying to by going out. Julien scrutinized him skeptically.
“… Hmph. So stubborn, you are. Just remember to look after yourself. Dans ce cas-là, while you are here, were you looking for something in particular?” Whew. Safe. Squidward cleared his scratchy throat.
“Not really… I might buy another instrument soon, though…” Maybe he should try something new. He’d never give up his clarinet, of course, but he wanted to try some other instruments too.
“Oh, oui? Do you know what kind you would like to try?”
“It might be time to get myself something in the piano family. I won’t buy it today – I’ll come back later in the week.” An early Christmas present? Yeah, his mood was improving already! He’d learn how to properly play the piano, and it would be FANTASTIC.
“OH~! MAGNIFIQUE~! Ici, ici! I will show you what I have!” Chirping in delight, Julien pranced over to his customer and tugged him along to eagerly show him the displays.
Meanwhile…
“… And Mr. Krabs wants another pony with saddlebags full of money. I know he got that last year, but he says he wants another. Okay, next, Sandy wants a HP Proliant ML350 G9 server – the uhh, one with Intel Xeon E5-2640 v3 Octa-core 2.60 GHz 16GB DDR4 SDRAM. Whew. That was a mouthful. Okay. Ah, Pearl wants front-row tickets to a Boys Who Cry concert with backstage passes. Larry wants a new—“
“Kid, could ya hurry it up a little? I hate to rush you, but there’s a line.”
Upon being interrupted, Spongebob looked up from his list to a slightly exasperated Santa. “Huh?” He turned his head a little to scan the amount of people waiting to see good ol’ Kris Kringle. “Oh, oops! I’m sorry! I’ll go for today! I made sure everyone already sent their letters to Santa, but I like telling you too, just in case. You got all that, right?”
“Yes, son,” Santa sighed, “I got all of it.”
“Great!! Thank you so much!” Spongebob hopped out of Santa’s lap, pleased with what he’d gotten done. Going through the entire list took a little while, so he’d been visiting the mall every day to see him! He still had gifts to buy too, oh… He really had to get on that! He hustled out of the mall, deciding he wanted to go check out the pet store first and window shop along the way. It was still snowing, but it had slowed down a bit. Something about the twinkling lights made his chest ache longingly.
He began his journey, strolling leisurely with his hands stuffed into his pockets and his eyes trained on every storefront he passed. “Maybe I should drop by one of the music stores in a while to see what I can get Squiddy this year…” Speaking of, he sure hoped he was okay… If not, he’d just have to cheer him up with the Best Christmas Present Ever™! “Ooh~!” Some attractive sweaters in a store window gave him pause, and he halted his trip to admire them. Once done, he resumed his walk, only to repeat the process as he made his way down.
Squidward, on the other hand, had left the music shop to go elsewhere. While pleased with his newfound knowledge of pianos, he now found himself surrounded with the thing he most wanted to avoid…
Love.
The streets were crawling with couples. Advertisements oozed romance and love of all kinds – after all, the holidays emphasized spending time with loved ones. He could visit his mother all he wanted – it was the ads with the kissing and the cuddling and the proposing that bothered him. Not to mention the mistletoe hanging all around – oh Neptune, he was getting flashbacks! He was beginning to grow flustered – his mood worsened with each display of affection he passed. Damnit, there went his progress. He’d anticipated this, but it still felt shitty… He just had to make it to the arts and crafts store. It wasn’t too far away now. He could do this – focus, Squidward! Eyes straight ahead! Think of the doilies! THINK OF YOUR DOILY COLLECTION, SQUIDWARD!
It would soon be apparent that this was the wrong time for a romp in the city.
Up ahead, he spotted someone positively glued to a store window, which at first, he didn’t think much of. They were bouncing on their heels with their hands and face pressed against the glass, making noises of delight and—wait a minute… That outfit sure did look familiar… The colorful teal, yellow and white wool hat, complete with pompom and earflaps… The matching striped scarf that had fringes at the end… The black peacoat that flared out a bit at the waist and went down to midthigh… The maroon leggings and the black snow boots with the straps on the sides… Squidward stopped dead in his tracks, which caused the person behind him to run into him.
“’Ey, buddy! Watch where yer goin’, will ya?” The stranger sneered as he shoved past him. Squidward didn’t have time to retort – he was too busy staring at the figure in front of the toy store. He couldn’t quite see their face as it was smushed against the window. It couldn’t be… Surely not—no, there were certainly others who owned an outfit as such! Still, though – and – oh no. Were those… Blond wisps of hair poking out from under his hat? Without realizing it, he had walked closer, and when the person pulled back enough that he could see their profile, the beating of his heart ceased.
As if that blue couldn’t get any brighter – his eyes were sparkling with wonder and amazement over the humongous tree cleverly adorned with toys in the store’s display. That smile was going to split his damn face in two one of these days. His cheeks were warm with joy, and his long nose nearly touched the glass that was fogged by his visible puffs of breath… To his credit, he had every right to be in awe – that tree was stunning.
Almost as stunning as the person standing before it.
When Spongebob began to pull away from the store, Squidward realized it was more than time to make himself scarce. He frantically ducked into a nearby alleyway, managing to get out of line of sight moments before the other waltzed on past. He watched him leave, probably looking like a total fucking creep as he was peering around the corner of the alleyway to do so, and all he could think about was… Just… Spongebob. Why was it always Spongebob?!
Shopping spree = bad idea. Very bad idea. Back to the house it was.
By the time he got there, Squidward had gone numb. His brain had utterly shut down in exhaustion from the multitude of intense emotions. The lights were left off when he entered his home. He grabbed his Teddy from the couch and brought him upstairs – curiously enough, he’d been clinging to that thing more often as of late… One could only wonder why – it certainly had nothing to do with the fact that it was a gift from Spongebob. It was just a stuffed animal, and stuffed animals were comforting. Right?
After undressing, Squidward lay in bed with Teddy close to his chest, staring at the ceiling vacantly. He could feel no emotion – that could potentially be considered a perk of full mental shutdown.
Spongebob was… Something else. He really was.
He didn’t know what to make of this. He didn’t understand his feelings, he didn’t know what sort of potion he’d drank to cause this, he didn’t know why Spongebob had a crush on him, he didn’t know why everything was throwing him for such a loop, he didn’t know… Anything, really.
Time for sleep. Before long, he’d recover from this, and hopefully forget about it. Spongebob would no longer have to worry about him, and things would go back to normal. With luck, Squidward would bury and forget about this incident. He’d forget he ever felt weird things for Spongebob fucking Squarepants and continue on hating him. Never again would they find themselves under mistletoe while Spongebob was drunk. Squidward would not have to face his inner demons.
… He was going to skip next week’s Very First Christmas™ party. Just to be safe.
#spongeblogging#squidbob#my writing#mele kalikimaka yall#the evil is defeated#i hope someone gets all of my references#im sorry again that this is so long
63 notes
·
View notes