#hes totally focused and extremely dangerous rn

[hamlet-not-hamnet]

kith

[floral-poisons]

ooh i'd totally place you in pomefiore. your writing has a romantic aspect to it. i get the vibes of contemporary with a mary shelley or giacomo leopardi flair to it ??

i'd love to hear about the topics in the arts and the humanities that you're into ! at the moment im graduating high school and likely going to double major in world history as well as literature and then eventually i'll get a law degree.

im an avid reader and writer, but i also delve into art through paintings and sketches. stem ?? idk her bc i cannot with stem-

on the topic of the humanities and arts though , i'd like to point out the 'why the curtains are blue' argument because i personally find it absurd. our english teachers were honestly trying to teach us critical thinking skills as well as opening our eyes to the ideas of symbolism. the argument is just stupid , to be frank.

i like to think that the little bits of symbolism that are claimed to be "unimportant" were subconscious. for example , im writing a drama novel that takes place in tahirid yemen and one of my protagonists furrowed his brows once a mabkhara brushed against his skin in the first chapter. at first i wrote it because he was worried since having the incense burner so close to the table's edge is dangerous, but then i wrote my fourth chapter and accidently gave him more reason to dislike mabkharas.

<3 genie anon <3

honestly it's probably because i go with vibes in my writing. like i'm all about description because my imagination is super vivid and i have super vivid scenes that play out like a movie.

i also don't know stem. we don't talk about her lol. i am a woman in humanities.

YES YES AND YES!! HIT IT RIGHT ON THE NAIL!! ironically enough i actually had a section of my final paper for my victorian literature class about the "why are the curtain blue?" meme. the fact that people look down upon humanities because "we're pulling at threads" is really absurd and it kind of stems from misogyny. humanities is 1. deemed "feminine" and 2. a lot of fears about reading stem from women reading and women becoming passionate about what they're reading. it's also based in capitalism. humanities isn't seen as "successful" and our degrees are seen as "useless" which is the funniest thing ever. in stem, ethics is extremely important so for stem people to disregard humanities as "useless" is super funny.

i personally like symbolism and i think reading into things more is also important for media literacy (which people clearly lack nowadays). symbolism, imo, makes things better (and so does philosophy but i'm apparently one of the rare few that thinks philosophy makes everything better).

i am a literature major actually genie anon! but i am specifically concentrating in cinema studies which means i am studying movies. symbolism in movies is a lot easier to portray than in books honestly which is why i think symbolism improves. i do love what i'm doing so much that i even write critical essays about film in my spare time!! rn though i'm more or less focusing on applications and on making sure i fulfill my undergrad requirements.

[nyrator]

mannnn

time for more nyrants and life updates with ny, focusing on mental healths and family and where to live and art stuffsss feat. very personal introspection about arttt

Trying to be in a better mindset when writing these compared to how I usually am, let’s seeee

Admittedly struggling with depression a lot lately. Like, to the point I just can’t get out of bed anymore. Tuesday I had the day off, and spent a total of about 16+ hours in bed. I think if not for Kresna, I’d probably spent the entire day in bed. Ate breakfast at like 4:30PM and ate dinner at around 11PM and felt sick from it. But it’s extremely, extremely hard to escape my bed. When I do, I just want to go back to bed, it’s a cruel temptation.

There’s a friend who reads these who always gives kind words and advice and just a heads up, you’re awesome friend. He’s suggested something to me to help and I’ve been really debating it for a while but I think I’m still too scared at the moment, and aaa I wish I was better at communicating directly with people but such is the life of a Ny (but really dude you are a good dude)

I should really see a therapist, I think, but it’s very difficult going anywhere without money or a car, so hm.

In terms of family life, my sister got of jail, was back in jail for three days, back out, basically living at the apartment, and got sent back to jail today for three months (allegedly she had the choice between eight months house arrest versus three months jail, she allegedly picked the latter- though my mother’s friend who keeps me up to date on information about my sister told me that she thinks her urine test was hot, so hmm). My sister being around was not good for my mind at all, I think, but hopefully she really is in jail for three months.

Work is still work, very slow, back to normal hours and keeping my usual $8/hr pay, which admittedly is a bit sad. But as much as they keep telling me they want to get rid of my coworker, my managers just don’t have the heart (something will blow up eventually, probably, but who knows when).

I think in terms of where I should go in life- Ideally wherever Kresna is, but you have no idea how hard immigration, especially on minimum wage. I’ve basically decided internally that, either the asian dude I like becomes president and I stay here (he’s still the only candidate to give me some kind of hope, as silly as politics in general is), otherwise I move wherever Kresna is. But man, it’s so hard, and I’m scared of how hard it will be to support each other honestly (he’s very supportive but I’m very much a leech)

In other news, I’ve also started keeping a dream diary finally. For January, I have about four-five dreams so far. None of them I’m sure are real dreams, or just my imagination running wild in the mornings after waking up but before getting out of bed. I think I mentioned before having a type of reoccurring humiliation dream, and ended up having two of them this month (one came dangerously close to being really bad before I woke myself up).

Now, in terms of creativity (aka one of the main reasons I wanted to type today)

Art

is hard

Rotten Nyan is a strange project, as I’ve mentioned a few times before. I think I want to distance myself from it- like, project these characters as a separate entity from myself. But they’re basically a caricature of my life, so it’s weird. Doing the latest update made me feel really satisfied with myself, doing five pages in such a quick and effortless amount of time.

And then I posted them, and it was like daggers into my chest afterwards. Like, feelings of self conscious, guilt, self hate, all riled up at the realization I keep making these things public, and just really blending me up inside. It’s such a weird thing- really loving these characters and drawing them, but feeling sick thinking of any ideas or sharing anything about them when I do. And the guilt of association- these characters are technically me, but I’d rather people not see them as me, I think, and I try to think of them as separate entities- but it’s obvious they’re me.

Ideas are very hard for me to come by for that reason- the pain, and not wanting to think back on my life anymore. I think I use art to socialize, in a way- give people something interesting, something they can like and admire, and when someone interacts with it in some way- it’s like a wave of euphoria, or something. And it’s funny, because it’s still a similar reaction from me- I get so happy and flustered that I become so anxious with it and want to hurt myself. It’s a good feeling (and trust me I’ve moved on from hurting myself long ago), but anxiety is weird I guess.

I mention it a lot, but I just love the idea of other people feeding me ideas- I feel like I want to make things for other people, but the things I want to make are just my own ideas, not necessarily what they want, you know? And I’d like to join more communities and try to just get that social aspect more. Been trying to be more active on twitter, but boy do feelings of self consciousness hurt.

In terms of what I want to make, it’s also very tricky. I don’t have many original ideas lately. I browse pinterest, read manga when I can, but it’s tough. I decided to catch up on that Suicide Boy manhwa (stopped when they skipped like four chapters but figured ehh what the heck I’ll read the newer ones anyway), and mannn, my body can’t stand it. That movie theater chapter especially stood out, it’s like a frozen sledgehammer into my gut and ribcage, that kind of suffering. It feels like it hurts more than usual, and I’m both excited and scared for when Kabi’s new manga comes out into English. I don’t know how my current self can handle it.

I’ve been thinking of biting the bullet and going to the darker parts of the internet for my art. It’s tricky to talk about, y’know? But seeing most people I know fragrantly post what they like, it’s like, is there really any big deal if I do? But it’s weird. It’s like I have a mental image that I don’t want to be associated with. Explicit and highly sexualized things- those things still make me uncomfortable as a person and I still have no interest in them at all, but other things, hm. I don’t think I’d be able to handle gore, for example- I’m surprisingly squeamish, and have become moreso as time goes on, despite the edgy stylized subject matter I like.

In terms of my own personal dark interests, it’s also weird. I’d consider myself a very chaste person, but the one interest I do have is also a form of self harm, in a way, and it’s something I know most people want or like to see. It’s also something I think about far too often and pay attention far too closely in things I see- something about the way that specific pain resonates with me, it’s something that gives me the deepest chills and feelings of disgust. Such a weird mix of emotional pleasure and pain, I guess. It’s something I want to make works about, but I worry about which part I’m writing for- the pleasure, or the pain. And I forgot (or blocked out) how much it affected my mind as a kid, the painful part anyway, before it got warped into something else in high school.

Anyway, I don’t know if I’d ever be able to draw things like that comfortably. I think I just want a sense of community, or something, but those kinds of communities seem dangerous. And it’s weird, I think of friends’ interests and hidden art I’ve stumbled upon, hidden identities but with a trademark style, and how I just think good for them, keep it up, make what you want. Yet when it comes to myself, I don’t think I could just do that- make a different identity and post what amounts to fetish art. One, because I love my OCs and don’t like degrading them to just being fetish characters (and can’t imagine drawing many other characters or just designing designated fetish characters without other purpose), and two, because I simply just don’t feel comfortable with myself about it, I guess

I think, ultimately, I’m just scared of being judged, but still just want to make this weird content, but want to make it for a broad audience, if that makes sense. Either way, I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable with it, and I’ll probably make a chapter of RN focus on what it at least means to me one day to at least get things off my chest. I just worry how hard my psyche will be damaged after submitting it to the public, if just sharing a tiny bit in RN has caused me so much turmoil already.

but yeah, in short: I want to draw Nyans, my mind keeps remembering the majority of things that happened to middle lave were very disgusting and so I feel uncomfortable drawing them, but those are the only things I can think of drawing half the time when thinking of ideas for them and feeling “wow, that’s really bad, I could and should do better”

and nowwww to get ready for work

[ladyloveandjustice]

What time is it? MARCH COMES IN LIKE A LION OPENING ANALYSIS TIME

there’s a lot going on in this opening and I’M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND IT ALL but I’m gonna try my best.

first of all, I actually went and looked up the lyrics for this one, and I’m not sure why the hell I didn’t do that with the other ones, because they are pretty related to the imagery, duh. This is why I was inspired to go back and do some additional commentaries on the first two OPs yesterday. Anyway, let’s look at those lyrics!

THE CLOUDS WHISPERED TO ME “YOU’RE GONNA D I E”

“WELL FUCK YOU TOO CLOUDS” I screamed back”

Yeah, so, the specific imagery here is REI, while on a bridge near the water (as Always, I’m going to note my theory bridge= connections and water= feelings) is briefly on the ground and picks himself up. This is while the lyrics are essentially saying “I was always told that I was doomed and i felt it was hopeless, but i got tired of that shit, leave me alone assholes you’re just bored with your own empty lives”. As he picks himself up, he sees the Kawamotos, which sort of shows how they “saved” him

A really interesting thing about a lot of imagery in this op is it often directly relates to some lyrics from the song (”Raise your Flag” by Yuki) that are not featured in the OP, such as:

Slowly brushing the sand from my skirt, the future left at my very fingertips seemed about to disappear, so I reapplied my bandages.

Rei specifically brushes off his pants as he rises, so it seems like these lyrics reflect what’s  happening here both literally and symbolically.

Water symbolizes feelings throughout this series, and we’ve often seen Rei drowning in it, but here he’s literally on top of it, and the song is very direct about what this means: he’s in control of himself right now. He can decide his future.

But it wasn’t always this way and the OP references the fact Rei was utterly drenched before this:

As it shows this, the lyrics reference rebirth and rebuilding yourself. Then a butterfly shows up:

There are several meanings for butterflies in Japan, they can be seen as souls of both the living and dead, they can be a symbol of femininity. But i think the one in the OP is the butterfly of rebirth.

The butterfly of death and rebirth’ is a common thing you often see in anime- butterflies are associated with transformation and spring, and this whole OP is very spring-y (I mean the show does have “March” in the title) with all the leaf and flower motifs. So it’s not a stretch the think this butterfly could represent the opportunity to be reborn after being driven to your lowest point. In fact, the song straight up says later “you’ve only got one chance to be reborn”.

Or maybe Rei’s just trapped in a Persona game idk.

We then see Rei climbing up a barrier and jumping over it, which speaks for itself. One of these is the bridge, which as previously stated, I believe largely symbolizes connections between people. So this could represent him overcoming the walls he’s put up to deepen his bonds with others (the Kawamotos specifically). Again, interestingly, the imagery of a bridge is directly referenced in this song, though not in the  OP lyrics themselves:

If I’ve managed to dance this well, there will be no turning back. I looked down from the footbridge overhead.

Rei is now actively reaching out for the butterfly now, but doesn’t get it- he’s not really able to attain total rebirth here. He’s also surrounded by musical notes and idk what that’s supposed to mean, other than the fact he’s in the middle of a song rn.

Then we see Hina and Momo, with Hina reaching out during a dark, starry night

She seemingly catches a drop of water. Note how this reflects the imagery earlier, where Rei was drenched during a dark night, his hand dripping. This to me, indicates there’s some danger of the same thing happening to Hina. Considering her arc this season has her dealing with bullying and becoming extremely emotionally distressed because of it, her going down the same road to depression Rei has been on is a real possibility. 

But the imagery also references a line earlier in the OP: 

“I’m sure if I pick up all the beads that rain from the sky and gather them, I’ll be able to plant a flag that symbolizes my liberty”.

The rain she gathers doesn’t have to drown her, it can nurture her and help her grow. After all, there’s so many stars among the dark night, and there’s opportunity for hope and warmth even in the darkest times. The butterfly shows up, indicating Hina has the opportunity to be reborn as well.

After we see Hina and the butterfly, Rei yells and takes off running across the water:

Once again, showing he’s not drowning in these feelings and is able to move forward and he’s also on a mission, one related to Hina, which of course is probably a reference to his desire to help her with her problems. Rather than focusing on and being overwhelmed by his own feelings, he’s using them as fuel to fight for someone else. The lyrics reflect this:

The we cut to what seems to be the Kawamotos house:

The imagery here is pretty related to the lyrics, the windchimes show there’s a draft:

And we see a glass of water (Hina’s emotions perhaps) reflecting that. windy sky. Something is shaking her foundations, causing her tears, but the sky is still so wide and bright and hopeful.

Rei keeps running, and the lyrics become more fiercely optimistic as we see the Kawamotos together, “like a boxer rise up again, pound on the door you painted yourself”:

Akari looks on at Hina entertaining Momo by showing her a “walking motion” and is proud- she’s watching Hina grow and become a strong young woman. She taught Hina how to “move forward” and Hina’s now symbolically showing Momo how to do it too.The student has become the master. It also shows their togetherness is what will get them through these tough times and save them.

We see Hina distant, turned away, as Rei continues to chase after the butterfly.

The butterfly and Hina are clearly connected, and I think Rei chasing it is about him searching for a way to help Hina. He’s looking for a way for HER to “rise from the ashes”. Her distance, her back being turned- it shows how lost she is to Rei right now, how she’s getting farther and farther away. He’s searching for a way to help her come back, to re-emerge stronger from the trauma she’s experiencing. So he’s trying to catch the butterfly for HER, he’s trying to find a way to help her be reborn. 

And he wants this so much for her because he wants this for himself too. Rei and Hina are deeply connected, and a lot of the lyrics in this OP could refer to both of them. In fact, these lyrics, though again, not part of the OP itself, almost seem to directly reference it:

The tiny girl that exists inside of me ties her hair in an off-beat fashion.

Hina lives inside Rei and Rei lives inside Hina.

However, Rei fails in catching the butterfly. Why? Maybe because he’s not doing it together with Hina. Maybe he’s trying too hard to catch it by himself. Maybe she needs to be involved in this. After all, as the lyrics say:

You have to decide for yourself when you’re going to bloom, when you’re going to be reborn.

So! That’s my attempt at analysis! It’s such a lovely op, there’s a lot to take in about it. If I have any new thoughts, or the episodes remaining yield any new insight, I’ll update this!

[heero-yuy]

Hey, I just stumbled upon your meta posts and I love all your thoughts and analyses! I was wondering, though: in season 3 especially, Keith really does seem to make a lot of poor leadership choices, and the writers almost seem to go out of their ways to highlight his bad judgement. But looking back after reading your posts, I feel like I might've been biased, so I was wondering if you could elaborate. What moments (particularly in season 3) convinced you that Keith has leadership potential?

It’s not season 3 that convinced me of that haha. It was mostly what I saw in season 1 and 2. But season 3 really didn’t change my mind.

Even tho at the beginning of the season Keith is a terrible leader.

And I complained non stop about Keith’s extreme reaction and odd decisions even before I saw the first two episodes, just after hearing the sdcc spoilers haha. But now after watching season 3 I understand why it had to be like that and how it all fits. No complains.

And what I feel they are trying to shows you, is not his bad leadership skills, but just his love for Shiro.

Like they weren’t kiddin when they said Shiro was the only thing that could calm him down and keep him in check haha

And I really didn’t expect Keith to fall apart like that, it seemed really out of character for him, just from what I’ve seen in Keith in seasons 1 and 2, I expected him to hurt but to step up and take command just like Shiro wanted him to.

Because he kinda always did that before… Like watch how fast he is to take control of a situation when Shiro is out of commission or a bit lost or away or even in actual danger.

Keith knows what he’s doing and he’s good at giving instructions even and knows how to command a team and knows when to hold back (Don’t forget he was the one against going to save Allura because he knew it was too risky).

And then Shiro is gone, and suddenly all that is out of the window, suddenly it’s What team? What mission? Shiro is the only thing that matters.

And I didn’t like that because of how it made Keith’s character be all about Shiro, but now that they’ve drawn this parallel between him and Zarkon (with how he betrayed everyone and basically screwed the universe for the person he loved) I’m totally fine with it because I see it’s actually going somewhere.

And “Shiro or the universe”, is something I saw them going for already, just didn’t expect them to put so much focus on it and so early on.

Now ok, this is how I explain Keith’s shaky start as team leader there:

He doesn’t want to do this. 

That’s basically it.

You kno like when someone asks you to wash the dishes, so you wash em badly, so that they won’t ask you to do that again haha.

I’m not saying he didn’t struggle a bit with the new lion and the new position 

(although I dun remember him having any problems with the different controls when he was saving Shiro in “Across the Universe”, but because it was a quick deal I’ll leave him the benefit of a doubt..)

He’s just not really into it.

And at first I was like, he wouldn’t go that far as actually putting his teammates in danger over this, right?

But then with how emotional he’s been acting in the first two episodes all “SCREW EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE, SHIRO IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS TO ME”, I dunno if I should put it out of the equation…

Basically what I feel he’s doing in the first 3 episodes is being “Oh no look what I did!! I acted like a crazy impulsive loner and messed things up, maybe we need Shiro after all…hmm I guess we should just keep looking for him.”

And I’m saying it because of this:

Here Allura says

For Keith it seems like it’s true when it comes to Allura (as he had no problem leaving her behind in season 1) but apparently not when it comes to Shiro haha.

And Keith agrees with her there.

But look what he does on that Gas planet, Allura takes a hit and he leaves Allura behind and Lance has to yell at him to stop.

And then Allura apologizes and then Lance is like:

“We’re a team. We stick together. Isn’t that right, Keith?” 

And Keith goes:

“It’s not about the team.

We have a mission that’s more important than any one of us.

We need to find Lotor and stop him, and I plan on doing that right now.”

So I feel like in a way he just goes “Oh yeah Allura? It’s bigger than any one person? So I guess I’m just gonna leave you behind for this mission, actually I have no problem leaving any of you behind JUST LIKE YOU’RE LEAVING SHIRO BEHIND”

I think he’s kinda being passive aggressive about them forcing him to pilot the black lion haha.

Also I think he just wants to get rid of Lotor so fast not because he really wants to put an end to the Galra empire thing, because well, he didn’t care about that just awhile ago, but because he’s in the way of them looking for Shiro.

Seriously, listen to him in this scene, he sounds so fake here…

”This is all my fault. I followed him right into this trap. Everyone warned me, but I didn’t listen. I put the entire team in jeopardy.”

And Lance is just: “Yeah, you kinda did. But now we gotta fix it.”

Like yeah sure Keith, I bet he knew it was a trap from the start. (but also that it was nothing that he couldn’t get them out of easily if he wanted to)

So I think Keith tried to convince them he sucks but then he realized it’s not working and they still want him to lead, so he finally takes this seriously.

And it think you can immediately see the switch in his attitude. They form Voltron right away. He knows exactly what to do. He even says “No, we need to wait and not fight Lotor”

That seems like too fast of a character growth haha

Like what, Lance tells him one line? And suddenly he’s a good leader?

I don’t think so. I think he was just faking it so they won’t give up on Shiro.

Also notice that from that point on he doesn’t make any more stupid mistakes.

Like here, who was the one who said “Hey guys… it’s a trap!”

“Hey, Allura, maybe you should not help these guys get that rock”

And guess who didn’t listen and fucked everything up???

And then Shiro, mr “I really need to feel valuable and appreciated rn” comes back and is making stink faces at Keith for taking his position as leader (even though he totally gave it to him before) just cause he can’t face the thought of him being useless.

And again, no one listens to Keith! Even though he’s right!

Keith realizes that Lotor is probably smarter than all of them, but at this point he might not be stronger.

And they already messed up like 2 times with him and gave him an advantage.

Keith knows that if they give Lotor time to think and plan, he will most likely have the upper hand soon.

So yeah, they had to go for him at that very second, because at that point they have a ship with a teleduv and Voltron, Lotor just has some scaultrite and a ship with an inexperienced pilot in it. They had a good chance taking him down at that moment.

And yeah, I think they could have taken down the meteor ship and also got the cargo, but if they had to chose then taking down the ship would be the better choice, because it’s the more dangerous thing to let Lotor have.

Shiro is…. I dunno what he’s thinking.. But he’s obviously wrong and Allura is all “Shiro is right! Yay Shiro you perfect leader you!”

( For Allura’s defense tho Keith kinda left her to die twice already, so I understand why she has a bias for Shiro haha)

But yeah, they screwed up big time there by not listening to Keith.

And like Keith and Shiro are so different in their leading style, and they are kinda set up to complete eachother eventually.

Shiro is very team focused, and he usually strives to avoid conflict and is incredibly soft and I’d say even passive.

And as someone who thinks like Keith most of the time, it’s annoying me till no end haha. But I know the power of his way of leadership, and I know that it’s needed sometimes. So I’m not looking down on that.

Keith is the opposite of that!

Keith’s mind is “progress progress progress now now now” he sees an opportunity and he takes it, like they just learned about Lotor’s existence and Keith already has a tracker on him and is on the way to beat him up haha.

He thinks and operates so fast.

Shiro likes playing it safe. (and slow)

I kinda spoken about this before already, how Shiro is trying to survive and Keith is trying to win. And they need to balance it out or it won’t work.

Which is what’s going to happen in season 4.

Because we see Shiro being all “Our top priority is the coalition!” which is not a bad idea at all. Just not at that time.

And Keith’s like “Nooo we need to get Lotor he’s gonna fuck us all up if we don’t go after him now!!”

And guess who’s right, and guess who’s finally gonna run out of luck (hopefully) and suffer the consequences of their poor decision making?

[clarenecessities]

6/20/17

hell of a day, folks. hell of a day. as some of you may recall it is extremely rare that i am genuinely angry--last time was about six months ago, and the time before that? four years. unfortunately it does have a tendency to make up for lost time bc i have been known to fly into a rage (none have been directed at other people since The Dark Times, which we’re not going to talk about today)

so basically: we’re doing locker room clean outs, right? like we go through and we cut all the locks that are still on lockers (we gave them upwards of a month’s notice to clear them out) and then bag the stuff up and label it in case they come back like “uh hey my locker is gone and also all my shit”.

yesterday went pretty smoothly, but lucie and emma weren’t there today so it was me, Charlie, Lani, Ali, John, and Briana. A brief breakdown:

Charlie is our staff facilitator, a position which was invented specifically for him because he is one of the most dedicated employees this facility has ever seen, and was passed over for a lead position when Ray (our boss) selected the two people who he had worked with the most--which were unfortunately just the people who had been kissing his ass the most, Adam (a condescending misogynist who hasn’t been in the building for upwards of a month) and Lani. Charlie actually does his job, which is saying a lot at the CRC tbqh. Charlie is my adopted son and I love him, damn it. As staff facilitator, he basically runs the ops staff (me) and does what needs doing. He also does every part of Adam’s job that hasn’t already been pawned off onto Lani.

Lani is one of our two leads. She is very, very young for a lead and socially reads somewhat like an anxious child who can read the vibe, but has no idea how to respond to it. She’s very friendly and loves to give compliments, but hates all negativity. It amplifies her awkward fidgeting by like a hundred. She’s John’s long-time girlfriend and has recently (since her promotion) become friends with Ali.

Ali is the worst.

John is very hard-working, genuine, and generally a positive person. The only fault I’ve noticed is he follows direction without consideration, so he can be pulled in several conflicting directions.

Briana is the younger sister of one of our former ops staff, and basically lives in the awkward zone Lani sometimes inhabits. She’s very young, a moderately hard worker, and desperate for approval but not recognition.

picture the scene... a humid, smelly locker room covered in discarded pieces of trash and waiting baskets. the morning begins with lock-cutting, which continues unimpeded for the better part of an hour and a half, until Lani has to go upstairs for a meeting.

chaos descends.

charlie and i had just finished cutting through a lock specifically designed to resist cutting, and subsequently had to cut off the latch of the locker because we twisted it so bad. (this locker had been locked for the entirety of my CRC employment, like... there was a card in there that expired in september of 2014.) we were trying to cut other locks but our arms were under a little too much strain, so charlie was like alright, i’m calling a break.

so we all rest for about fifteen minutes. charlie went somewhere else so the break room was me, ali, briana, and john. it was..... hell. ali was like “hey where did lani go” because she doesn’t actually listen when lani speaks, so i was like “she said she had a meeting.” Now, a little more background: Ali is being trained in admin functions. This is essentially a meaningless distinction in regards to hierarchy, and instead reflects pay scale. Emma is also being trained, and doing much better, and I’m going to start training next week. if they’re asking me to do it? it’s not about hierarchy. anyway. Ali started fucking power tripping. she was like “oh well is it an admin meeting” and i was like “no, charlie didn’t know about it” because charlie, as staff facilitator, must be present at admin meetings. ali has visibly decided that not only is staff facilitator a fake position that she won’t recognize, but that her actual fake position conveys real power, and says “yeah but if it’s admin then i should be up there“ like no, ali, you really fucking shouldn’t. you are living in an Assistant TO THE Regional Manager world, my dude! anyway she kept asking me fucking questions about it and eventually i was just like, “dude, if you were supposed to be there, lani would have told you” and she stopped.

oh i forgot to mention, during the lock cutting phase i asked her why she had the american flag on her cast and she was like “oh because i love america” and i was like “oh cool so you hate the flag? that’s what this is?” & charlie and i had to explain the flag code to her. not the part about not using it as a costume or whatever: The existence of the Flag Code. it’s also just like a really fuckin’ ugly cast, it’s more stars and bars than stars and stripes... she fucking voted for trump though so hey whatever’s racist enough for you i guess

at the end of the break, charlie comes into the breakroom and says, quote, “let’s get jiggy with it” and gestures to the locker rooms, so i like get up & we get back to work, right?

the others stayed. either they didn’t understand the pantomime, or they weren’t done talking about mediocre horror movies, which they’d been doing when i left.

so twenty minutes later, after our allotted fifteen minute break, they mosey back on into the locker room and begin bagging. charlie’s more irritated than i am at this point--i was mostly like, alright, whatever, at least i don’t have to listen to them circle jerk it for another twenty minutes. it took all three of them, working together, to bag one row of lockers, in additional twenty minutes. contextually: they had to empty a grand total of three lockers. the majority of the twenty minutes was spent either gaping at a jar with some spit in it, or by ali complaining that her leg was on fire. i should add that she’s in a cast because she broke some toes about a month ago, she’s got one of those little cart things that she’s wheeling around on rn--not a wheelchair, like a scooter with a high bench. anyway she physically couldn’t cut the locks and so had been sitting around the majority of the morning distracting the others, and was now spending the noon complaining for anyone within earshot, which was everyone.

charlie and i, meanwhile, had finished cutting all the locks, and were now onto the bagging process. we cleared four rows in addition to the six additional locks we cut while they were all working on their three bags.

i was mostly tuning them out and focusing on the content of the lockers, because charlie was getting the stuff out and i was writing it down

at the end of this twenty minute interval, they approached charlie and me and said ray had given us $20 dollars for lunch. ali suggested the greenery (our campus cafeteria), which is ludicrous for a number of reasons, foremost among them being that the greenery Sucks, and that it costs $10 per person and there were five of us. i suggested pizza but charlie was like ehhhhh bc we had pizza yesterday and normal humans don’t subscribe to my unholy eating regimen--but it was too late. they’d already seized on the idea. so at 12:26 (i checked my phone) they left.

a half hour later, as we were wheeling bags back to the lost and found, we saw them talking with lani in the hallway. they continued to talk until about 1:08, at which point state troopers were doing a patrol of our building as part of their wider sweep of campus, because i guess that’s where we’re fucking at right now

while they were gone, some serious shit happened, and i’m gonna copy and paste it from facebook bc it’s A Lot:

charlie and i were cleaning out the lockers and heard people throwing weights. we were like "uh, what the fuck" so charlie went up to check it out. he found 3 athletes working out and he was like "yo... we're closed." this guy is like "oh, the coaches let us in, you can go check with them" and charlie's like "uh yeah okay i'll go do that" and as he's walking away the guy calls him a bitch like you can't even say it to his fucking face? christ dude so charlie's not a fucking twelve year old & just keeps walking, he bumps into ray who apparently did let them in, lets him know the situation. five minutes later i am Incensed on my son's behalf and they're still throwing weights, so I go up there to ask them to stop, have some words if necessary, you know two of the guys are chill about it but this third one is like "uh, weights make a noise when you set them on the ground" like yeah thanks man I haven't worked in a gym for three years or anything i had no idea. i continue to tell him to set them down & not pick things up if he can't fucking lift them, he gets increasingly belligerent and brings up charlie "disrespecting" him and "coming at [him] like [he's] a liar". so I'M like "oh, you mean my supervisor, who you just called a bitch?" and he goes off about how he doesn't do anything to us, he's never done anything to us, like we shouldn't be wondering why he's in a locked building filled with dangerous equipment with no supervision, or asking him not to damage our fucking floors he kept turning away from me and putting his earbuds in to front like he doesn't give a shit about me but he just came off like a fucking coward. he also wouldn't say bitch to me? like he said charlie "was being a B-word" like jesus christ dude you aren't entitled to be here! it is specifically against the rules and i have no idea why they let you in, so if you insist on being here, how about not verbally abusing our staff facilitator and treating the ops staff--who is seconds away from peeling you like a god damned onion --like a five year old

i ended this in a full-on rage tbqh. like thank god i did eventually develop some impulse control or i might have murdered that guy in our weight room.

came back down and was just real, real fuckin’ mad, told charlie what happened, tried to channel fury into productivity (surprisingly effective, although my hands were shaking which may have affected legibility) and tried to talk myself out of breaking something.

oh also the guy explicitly told me “we’re enemies” like DAMN dude you have no idea what a can of worms you just cracked open. you wanna be enemies? ohhh i’ll be enemies. y’all can add this asshole to that murder suspect list from yesterday because it’s all downhill from here my guy

well. anyway. about 2:06 john is like “hey clare your pepsi’s in the breakroom” (i asked them to just bring me a pepsi wherever they were going) and i was like “cool i’ll be right there.” i still needed to calm down before being in a room with anyone even mildly irritating so i did a couple more lockers and waited for charlie to finish wheeling the bags out.

we step into the break room and ali’s like “did you remember to put the bags in the same place” with no preamble, like A. of fucking course we did, this isn’t rocket science, B. you never told us that in the first place, C. you have absolutely no authority over me, and charlie outranks you. like yes she’s one of those people who just everything they do is annoying? but this was like... an explicit show of dominance, because lani was in the break room, and ali wanted to show off to her. tashina had also turned up and was the only one who seemed to notice that charlie and i were both seething--charlie was like “okay well i’m going home” and she told him to relax (in a slightly awkward but well-meaning attempt at saying ‘hey i can see you’re upset but probably don’t wanna talk about, take it easy out there’ that charlie interpreted as ‘calm down lad’ until i was like no, she was trying)

so then ray (you may recall; our supervisor) shows up to grab a couple slices of pizza, asks how everything’s going, and ali was like “oh yeah we did half” and i was so fucking done at that point, i just stared at her and said “no”

like nope, “we” didn’t do shit, and charlie and i got about a third down without you.

we talked for a while about operations... i mentioned the athletes to ray and he actually has a plan for it, i guess we’re going to meet with the teams before the school year and be like “hey, ground rules” which i think is a pretty good idea because the basketball guys are almost all dicks

ray mentioned at one point that he was probably going to base summer hours on who was turning up for these cleanouts, and tashina made a point of mentioning that charlie and i had been working “especially hard” which i really appreciated, because the idea of having to work a shift with ali over like lucie or emma makes me want to Die

so about 2:50 they’re like “okay well the pizza’s been gone for a half hour, i guess we should work now” and i was like man, you know, charlie is gone and i’m still really fucking angry, so i don’t think i should be trapped in a small, hot space with y’all rn & i went home

as i was walking back i actually ran into charlie, he had been on his way back because he had calmed down some & wanted the hours, but he was like yeah shit if you’re not there there’s no way i can handle them

so we were talking about the Parade of Bullshit that comprised our work day and somehow it turned into me going back to his place (he lives in my apartment complex but like three buildings over) to see his guns. i can now officially say i’ve held a gun, & it was just as surreal and terrifying as i imagined! i’m never gonna be a gun person tbh but it cool to see the differences between his, he’s got a soviet issue rifle (complete with bayonet) & then a more modern one that looks like plastic but isn’t

we just hung out for a while, his dog lucky wouldn’t stop jumping on me, which was all in good fun but i like moved my hand wrong and hit his tooth so now my hand hurts :/ he showed me the Last Of Us which i’d never really seen outside of gifsets & i was actually pretty impressed with the graphics! the animation was good too, which i feel like you don’t see in games so much. we got through the prologue part & then i gave charlie a ride to physical therapy bc he had forgotten the bus schedule changes for summer, & i was going that way anyway to get some bubble tea

i get to the mall, guess who’s out of boba!! i was like no.................. my heart can’t take this, but then alyssa checked & was like “yeah the next batch will be ready in twenty minutes” so thank god. thank heckin’ god. i grabbed some lemonade and pretzel bitz from wetzel’s pretzels--that fucking vine with the Indiana Jones song has been fucking haunting me by the way--and chilled in my car because my phone had died at charlie’s place and i needed to charge it up. went and got my bubble tea, got some gas, picked up charlie & then took him on some errands ‘cause like fuck the bus, right? hatched some good pokemon

came back home, relaxed with toby and my bubble tea & forensic files. finally achieved Calm.

decided at about 10:30 that i wanted ice cream & i was like shit if anybody deserves ice cream it’s me rn so i went to mcdonald’s & got a cone & two apple pies for a grand total of 2-something dollars. how am i supposed to resist going back there every day is the real fuckin’ question man

anyway now i’m super tired and i’m going to bed so like....  yeah

[type2diabetestreatments-blog]

Ask D'Mine: Secrets of Glucose Standards, Prepping for International Travel

New Post has been published on http://type2diabetestreatment.net/diabetes-mellitus/ask-dmine-secrets-of-glucose-standards-prepping-for-international-travel/

Ask D'Mine: Secrets of Glucose Standards, Prepping for International Travel

It's good to know what you don't know. Part of our mission here at our Saturday diabetes advice column, Ask D'Mine, is to peek behind the curtains of just about everything — as oftentimes conventional wisdom is not as wise as it may seem.

Well, just read today's column and you'll get the gist. Say hello to our host Wil Dubois, a veteran type 1, diabetes author and community educator who's seen it all at the clinic where he works in New Mexico.

Need help navigating life with diabetes? Email us at AskDMine@diabetesmine.com

Lacey from New Jersey, type 1, asks: Where do all these target numbers we are supposed to meet come from? Who chooses our blood glucose, blood pressure, and cholesterol targets? It seems like they are always changing! Are there actually some studies to back up these numbers?

Wil@Ask D'Mine answers: Spoiler Alert: I'm here to shatter everyone's innocence. If you still want to believe in unicorns, fairies, pure unbiased medical research and the Great Pumpkin—read no further. Sorry, Virginia. There is no Diabetes Claus.

Right after your question came in, I was attending an internet seminar taught by one of the nation's leading cardiologists. I put your question to him. For reasons that will soon become clear, he asked me not to quote him by name.

All of our major targets, A1C, lipids, blood pressure, and even finger-stick meter numbers, I'm told, are not based on specific scientific studies that result in proof that these numbers are superior; but are selected by expert consensus panels. These panels issue "consensus statements" on the targets that doctors should use as treatment goals.

Quoting from the American Diabetes Association here a consensus statement "represents the panel's collective analysis, evaluation, and opinion based, in part, on the conference proceedings." (Emphasis added by me.) They go on to state, "The need for a consensus statement arises when clinicians or scientists desire guidance on a subject for which there is a relative deficiency of 'evidence' that might otherwise allow for a more definitive statement to be made."

So in other words, when there are no facts, the experts collectively make them up.

Of course, it's really not as bad as I make it sound. For instance, we know from real studies that higher blood sugar is more dangerous than lower blood sugar. And we know from real studies that very much higher blood pressure is more dangerous than lower blood pressure.

How much lower is ideal in either case, however, is rarely studied. So the experts just pick some numbers.

To clarify that this's as big pile of horse shit as it sounds like, I said to this leading cardiologist: "So what you're telling me is that a group of guys just basically sits down and uses an Ouija Board to choose our target numbers?"

He asked me to repeat my question.

Twice.

Then there was a very lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng silence, and then he said, "No, we use multiple Ouija boards. And we're not just any group of guys." As if to say—how could so many smart people in one room be wrong?

Learned men used to think the earth was flat. And they said men would never fly. That going into space would be impossible. The personal computer would never catch on.

Need I go on about the collective wisdom of smart men?

A couple of days later I called around and found an endo who's sat on multiple expert consensus panels. He too, asked not to be identified by name, but told me that expert panels generally consist of grey-haired white men "who sit around and pontificate all day long until 4pm. Then they realize it's time for martinis and quickly pull some numbers out of the air."

At this point I flirted with the idea of stopping all of my meds except insulin.

Dr. H. Gilbert Welch, author of Over-Diagnosed, is extremely critical of the expert consensus system, and points out that changing blood pressure targets by even 10 points nets Big Pharma millions of new customers-for-life. He also points out that the type of experts who sit on these panels are also commonly the type of experts who are compensated members of Big Pharma Speakers' Bureaus.

Not that he's suggesting any sort of conflict of interest, or anything like that.

So. Lacey. Sorry. What's a diabetic to do? May today's experts be wrong? Will tomorrow's experts look down their haughty noses at today's standards? Probably.

But it's all we've got. And we're better off today than 50 years ago. Right? We live longer. Healthier.

Looks like maybe the "experts" got a thing or two right after all. I guess I'll keep taking my meds... for now.

Ray from Texas, type 1, writes: I love flying and going on trips and never have issues. However, I have never done international travel before and I am not sure what to expect I am planning on bringing scripts, doctor's notes, BG low snacks, water, normal snacks, and extra supplies, but I am still not sure what to expect. Anything I should know about or prepare for?

Wil@Ask D'Mine answers: First and foremost, make sure you have a passport, or your trip will end at the airport. And yes. I know someone who nearly forgot her passport when leaving for an overseas journey. (And as you have never traveled overseas before, you do have a passport, don't you?)

The good news is that according to the CDC, by 2050 one out of every three TSA airport security screeners will have diabetes, making travel much easier for PWDs. Yep. Traveling with the Big-D is going to get nothing but easier!

Seriously, assuming you are not going around the world in 80 days, international travel is much like domestic travel, only with the irritation and hassles super-sized. Assuming your trip is less than a month, make sure you have enough of all of your medications and testing supplies. I'd pack all of this in my carry-on, if I were you. Ditto pump supplies, if you use a pump. In fact, I'd pack a margin of error for more of everything than you need, if I were you.

Ask your health care provider to give you paper copies of all of your medication prescriptions. This isn't for airport security but to help you attempt to secure more supplies in case, oh... I don't know... a volcano or something goes off in Iceland and you can't fly home as scheduled. A letter from your Doc summarizing your medical conditions, gear, and meds can also help smooth over any potential airport security hassles.

As for hypo snacks, I haven't been overseas for a while, but recently flew half way across the country for a conference, and packed about two dozen bottles of Dex4 fluid. I got some raised eyebrows from the security folks, but no hassles. In your case, you really just need to carry enough for the flights (which could be many hours). Once you are at your destination, discovering local high-carb snacks to treat low blood sugar is half the fun of traveling.

If you think you need water, ya gotta buy it (for only slightly less per ounce than French Perfume) inside the security gates. You won't be allowed to carry water through airport security.

And of course, always visit the TSA website shortly before your journey to double check for any changes. If Al-Qaeda puts an insulin pump bomb on a plane, train, or automobile, none of us PWDs will ever be able to travel again.

Bon Voyage!

This is not a medical advice column. We are PWDs freely and openly sharing the wisdom of our collected experiences — our been-there-done-that knowledge from the trenches. But we are not MDs, RNs, NPs, PAs, CDEs, or partridges in pear trees. Bottom line: we are only a small part of your total prescription. You still need the professional advice, treatment, and care of a licensed medical professional.

Disclaimer: Content created by the Diabetes Mine team. For more details click here.

Disclaimer

This content is created for Diabetes Mine, a consumer health blog focused on the diabetes community. The content is not medically reviewed and doesn't adhere to Healthline's editorial guidelines. For more information about Healthline's partnership with Diabetes Mine, please click here.

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