#hes just been so sweet and perfect and patient since ive started new meds im so 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 i love him

[birdclowns]

holding my partner's cute little face and kissing him silly would fix me, I think

[thejourneyblog]

Day 1 in a mental inpatient hospital:

11/25/17

I didn't see this coming. I mean I did a few times but I was usually able

to get back on my feet. But I don't even know what happened, that day,

yesterday. I had cracked. Over something small. I gave up. I realized I

didn't want to do it anymore. Live. Watch funny youtube videos, laugh

with friends, follow my dreams, run adult errands, write poetry. I'm

amazed I'm writing this at all right now. And this was such a deep

bottomless feeling out of no where that I had a panic attack.

I could not stop. I started spinning out. I couldn't stop crying all day or hyperventilating.

I was out to pick up a desk that I never picked up because they were all out.

So I went back to my drive way and tried to figure out how I could come back

to my senses. Maybe I should eat, play a game, walk my dog, rest, go to my

bffs house.. but I was repulsed by every idea. I didn't want to go back to living.

I tried to think about something that could make me happy. But I didn't want anything...

anymore and that is when I couldn't return. I was so scared. I didn't know what

was happpening. Nothing calmed me down. I didnt know what I was supposed to

do. do I run away? What would be the easiest way to die. But I didnt have the energy

to even do those. Then I rememberes, theres a hotline.

I wasn't able to talk much since I was trying to stop hyperventilating. But the responder was smart. She asked questions slowly and paced. We talked for an hour and I told her that I wanted to

donate all of my organs somewhere and that I was done. She helped me get to an ER

to get help. At that point I looked like I had been to 10 funerals and was scaring

everyone. My eyes still hadnt stopped crying. They assigned a nurse to stay at my side

at all times. Probably because I kept saying “IDK” when they asked if I was a danger

to myself. I was in the ER for 4 hours sleeping and crying as they put stickers on

my boobs and took blood and urine samples. I finally decided to answer my sisters

calls and she told me she loved me and that I was perfect. And I was so upset with

the universe at that moment. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I kept trying to make normal decisions, see if there was still some way out of this.

Back to old me. Sane me. But I couldnt. I was done.

Finally they told me about a wonderful place where we do group/art/single therapy sessions and I was admitted.They wheeled me to a room with security gaurds to collect my belongings and scan

me for metal. A nice lady asked me about my thanksgiving while she took me to the

mental health floor. I sat in the hallway while I waited for a nurse to bring me to my

room, with bare feet which didn't bother me. “Shame on INOVA” A nurse yelled giving

me socks and dinner. In the dining room I met some of the other patients right away. Watching tv and having their dinner. Fish with rice and sweet potato and cranberry juice. The fish

was great. I traded my brownie for a raspberry foam thing the other girl wanted. I

didn't care. I hadn't eaten all day. I didn't have a need to. After eating, I was showed to

my room. I didn't see a tv. That was disappointing. I wanted my phone back. But not really.

I thought I'd just sleep and cry some more. But then a girl appeared.

Sibila

“Hi!”

I jumped “hi”

“Are you new here! Let me show you around”

I agreed surprisingly.

“She showed me all the rooms, the game room, the lounge, kitchen, dining, snack room (locked)

Art room (also locked), pay phones, tv room and her room.

She gave me jolly ranchers and seemed super happy. So I did not under stand

why she was here. After that I went back to my room.

But she popped back up.

“My mom brought gyros! Lets eat!”

She dragged me to the kitchen and got me some coffee.

The coffee was perfect. Just what I needed. Which I proceeded to chug black for the next few days,

though it did not increase my energy what so ever.

Her mom was really sweet. Reminded me of my mom:

“sleep helps with depression”

yet I sleep like a baby

I tried to go back to my room but sibila was one step ahead of me

“Art class is starting!”

Art Class

Sibila picked a table in the corner for Victoria and I. A college looking girl with

the same circle as the rest of us, but sweet. But this place was no ordinary art class.

This place looked like a fukin AC Moore. There were lots of templates and wood crafts we could decorate. I didn't feel like doing much so I chose stained glass. I was the quickest

one in the group. The only one to finish a project. It would just give me anxiety to leave

something unfinished. After that we went to the end of the hall and sang pop songs for the rest of

the night. I joined along. Her spirit was so infectious. I tried not to be so low. But when we were alone

eating graham crackers I couldn't help it

“I dont want to live anymore. I cant”

She gave me a pat and scrambled. That was the end of that.

I slept with the lights on that night.

I remember

(hours before admission)

As I was trying to calm down about my problems

Inner voice: your sister will be okay, you just have to

Me: shut up ( monotone)

just stop

I dont want you to fix this

I dont want anything anymore

Im done

Voice: thats not true

Me: maybe I just need to run away for a bit. Take a long vacation

V: nothing will be here when you get back

Me: shhhh

I told you

I dont care

Im sure this has been an interesting study in human defeat

that is all

Break fast

was awful. Watery scrambled eggs. Super moist muffin. Potatoes were decent. Atleast I got to talk to vikki. Shes actually a lot more normal than I thought. Just some mild postpartum psychosis. But it seems like a lot of people come here to get back on track.. I don't know what I want... but I still don't want to go back. To anything. So thats not good..

The Characters

There are surprisingly not many people here. So far everyone has been super inviting and made me feel welcomed. There are the nurses who sit at a desk blocking the elevators. The whiteboard with each hall wing class schedule like school.

People I've met so far:

-Frail lady with a blanket shawl

-The angry boy always yelling at his mom on the phone with an ice pack on his head

- the pregnant lady who loves everyone

-The cute guys who thinks hes a celebrity

-the cute guy who doesn't talk

Sibila of course and our trio Vikki <3

and my room mate who sleeps all day, Doris.

I don't blame her

How are you?

A different nurse or doctor asks every 2 hours

I don't mean to be rude but I'm not going to answer that

I will gladly talk to a therapist about it. I could actually

really use that right about now.

But currently the outcome is uncertain

FOR SOME REASONFSJAODNASODSDMKA

Coping mechanism sheet

Take a time out in room – I slept with the lights on

imagine myself at the beach- no

talk with a peer- call Roslyn

write in journal

write a list of my strengths

write a letter

call a family member

have some tea or coffee

exercise

stretch

stress balls

draw

soft music- not helpfuldnjsadsnadjasdomk

play a game- boring/no energy

tv room – too bright/uncomfortable chairs

meditate-makes me angry

talk with your therapist-where?

Read- ummmmm

count to 10-NO

positive thoughts-try again

walk-what else is there to do

write a schedule for week after discharged- already have a schedule?

Comb hair/freshen up- sibila made me shower

My room mate

Doris has become a bit more talkative. She has the sweetest voice.

She invited me to bingo but I was still knocked out by the meds. She seems

worried about me. After I told the nurse I didn't want to live she asked to switch rooms.

Probably a coincidence.

The head poppers

: Nurses or doctors who pop their head from behind your curtain for a split second

to see where you are like a weirdo

every                     fucking                  hour

Bathrooms

are a fucking joke. Island printed yoga mats with Velcro make up for the doors.

Meaning you can smell and hear everything. One time I walked in on a full toilet.

I thought it was rude until I flushed and realized I probably woke up my room mate.

Oh well

The Bands

Wrist bands, we all wear. Get scanned about 15 times a day. For what? There aren't that many of us. They do it every time we go to a class, have a meal, need meds, get our vitals checked. I just ripped

mine off today because it is so uncomfortable and now all they do is ask for my name.

The more you know

How are you: Update

Today I yelled: “BAAAAAAADDDD jesus...”

but atleast he finally asked something different

“Do you have anything to live for”

“Yes, but I don't care”

I should probably stop acting like this. I think its triggering doris

Sibila made me a belated birthday card. It was super random, but also the sweetest

most important thing right now.

Lights

Ive been sleeping with them on every night so far. She likes them off but hasnt

said anything about it. Im just surprised the nurses allow it. I dont know why I do it.

I just sleep better. But maybe for tonight, just for doris, Ill turn them off.

Strengths

Believing in things I can not do

Visits

Mom brought me some fresh clothes and friends brought me candy

I managed to change into a fresh top and leggings and started to feel a bit better.

Might attend group tonight.

Update: group was boring and unhelpful

Doris

Apparently hates me

Fights

Atleast when you fight with someone here, they forget, and you can be friends again

The Suitcase

Today in art class I chose a wooden project. A suitcase. I decorated it like the night sky since stars calm me. Inside I placed a folded piece of fabric and some bead charms that would represent everything I would leave behind if I go:

Sunflowers- My family and friends

Stars and moon- nature

Korean symbols- knowledge

Buddhist hand- my wonders for the universe

teddy bear- my future possibilities

gold bracelet- material loves

Spiral- myself

blue diamond- hope

totem- values

colorful ball- passions

I still could not feel anything about it but I hope this is the old me trying to tell me something

Sibila

Has an eating disorder. She gave me a paper of her schedule and every hour said diet underneath

I notice that she doesn't really eat. Unless her mom brings her something.

Quotes

When you are a child, you have hopes and dreams of everything you want your future to be.

When you get older, you have plans for what you think will make you happy: A home, a job, love. But we all know that the future is unpredictable. We are not supposed to know what is going to happen anyways. Because if we did, that would be boring, or scarier, if possible. But you see, I had a moment, where I could see where my future was heading, and it was horrifying, and I just.. gave up.

Something positive

I decided to read the quotes in the dining hall.

“maybe the biggest opportunity is where you are standing right now”

A letter

Dear world,

I dont know if there is anything you could have done to prevent this outcome.  You didnt do anything that great or that horrible to me. None that I can think of at this moment

that I care to blame anything on. You just did, you just are. And we just live. And we just die.

But to my understandning,

ive enjoyed the beauties

and the perfect uglies

and im good

so lets wrap this up. Some might think I should be stronger

but nope. Its my choice.

Everyone here

says the same things

“when can I leave”

“gimme my stuff back”

Nurse james

is really fucking cute

I think he likes me because

he took my vitals even though mine was already taken today

did not object

Update: Never mind. All the nurses do this.

Doris

Likes old british rock music

Look up “the smiths”

Limbo

This morning I woke up and did not know anything. I did not know who I was or where I was

I had not a single thought. I felt like a newborn baby. I had forgotten that I was alive, ever alive,

or that there was even a life to live.

This did not break my heart as much as it should have.

And you want to know what happened next?

I got out of bed and used the bathroom when a nurse walked in and saw my face

and seemed annoyed at my unwelcoming presence

“Are you ever happy! Smile! You are beautiful and will be out of here in no time!”

My room mate applauded and agreed.

Hello

My name is priscilla and I am suicidal. I still can not imagine myself outside of this place. Even though I do not want to be here for long. Every time I try to tell myself that I owe my mom and sis, that I need to work harder, itll be okay, try to find love, I have to stop. Those things usually motivate me. But everyting short circuits me right now, and I do not know why.

I said good bye

On the last day, I decided to go to group

There was a young teacher asking ice breaker questions and only a few people this time. The old man who hears voices, Doris, Indian girl with translator, Taiwanese man with translator and me. I talked about my dad. That out of anything, the only thing that hurt or really mattered, was him not being there. I was the only one who cried that session. I left on good terms though. I wanted to talk and I finally got to. I thanked her genuinely. I left a note for nurse james. I said goodbye to cute billy, the one who talks to celebrities. Sibila, vikki and I got discharged together and we are now friends. The last days have felt like months and I can still taste the watery eggs, which I only tried once. But at least the worst is over.