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owliellder · 1 year ago

Text

The Finer Details

Post DI! Leon Kennedy x f! Painter Reader

MDNI 18+

(Session 1, Session 2, Session 3, Session 4, Session 5, The Reveal)

Description: Leon realizes that retirement is in his best interest now that he's getting older. All of his accomplishments as an agent mean he's truly earned a painting to commemorate..

Warnings: Not Proofread, Age gap! (reader is anywhere between mid-late 20's and Leon is 40), Porn w/ Plot, Use of she/her pronouns, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Alcoholism, mentions of trauma/PTSD/depression, P in V smut (wrap it NEOW), Leon cries during sex 💔

Tags: Older Leon Kennedy, Younger afab!Reader, Leon is SAD but he is your muse, Crying, mentions of Leon masturbating, starts off with Dom! Leon and Sub! Reader, falls into switch territory because that man needs some serious TLC, Praise kink, Hickeys, Handjob, Nipple play, Oral sex (m! and f! receiving), and a heavy dose of Aftercare

Final Word Count: 22.6k

Author's Note: Ta-da! I put a lot of work into this last chapter, like actually becoming the president for a couple hours, but I really wanted to make it worth everyone's time for sticking around and reading all the way through.

Thank you so much for following along! All the sweet comments from you guys never fails to make my day!

^//v//^

Cross posted on AO3

The Reveal

Almost three months.

It took almost three months for Leon's portrait to fully dry after it had been varnished. You'd checked it almost daily after the two month mark due to Leon's constant pestering. He was understandably antsy, and admittedly, you were too.

There was a lot of convincing involved, but you managed to keep the man at home while you transported the painting to the White House. He worried it would be damaged en-route. Such a little worry wart.

Setting up the painting's respective spot a column away from Chris and Claire's seemed very appropriate; tall, fake bushes sitting on either side of where it would be placed, a warm yellow bulb lighting up the inside of the decorative archway, and the patterned golden frame where the canvas would forever be now hung empty in that portrait hallway, waiting to be pieced together and completed.

The shiny gold placard had already been screwed onto the frame, words zapped on it via laser:

Leon S. Kennedy

USSTRATCOM Agent from 1998 - 2011

D.S.O. Agent from 2011 - 2017

You knew how long he'd been working as an agent, but it was still baffling nonetheless. Nearly 20 years of non-stop intense and usually very traumatizing work, what a feat.

Moving on, you'd worked out the plans for Leon's farewell party with the President and a few coordinators over the span of a few days, making sure to store the painting in a secure room for the time being. It was to stay covered with a violet piece of velvet cloth up until the reveal at the party, no one was allowed to see it besides you, the President, and the various security guards working the grounds.

After another two extra months of waiting, the farewell party was drawing near. There had to be enough time given for invitations to be sent out to people, wait for said people to RSVP, and allow travel time. And at this point, Leon was busting at the seams; extremely nervous, excited, and even a little scared at the prospect of it all.

Your words from that second painting session all those months ago never left his mind: "Seeing the portrait once it's finished is going to be an incredibly emotional ordeal. It's a reminder that this is truly the end of an era for you, Mr. Kennedy..."

The man clung to that, doing his best to internalize it and mentally prepare himself for what was to come. He was hoping you were exaggerating, but from what Chris, Claire, and even Jill have told him about their experience after the fact, he knew deep down that you'd seen it all too well before.

What Leon failed to realize was that he wasn't alone anymore. Sure he had his friends to help, but he'd never had someone to come home to everyday.

During the last few sessions, he had asked to stay with you at your apartment, citing the potential aftermath of the party as reasoning. However, you really didn't need him to explain his reasoning, you would've let him. Even if he just felt like it, you would've welcomed him with opened arms.

Besides, he'd already been staying at your place for longer periods of time over the months. You'd visited his house a few times, but he made sure to whine and complain about how bare and boring it was. If you remember correctly, Leon had said, word for word, that your apartment "felt like a warm hug". With that, he shelled up with you in only a couple weeks before the painting had dried. He made special effort to learn your routine, wanting to give you the space that you needed while also maximizing his time spent with you.

Leon was an actual angel, you were wholeheartedly convinced. Some days you would come home after working on another painting to the man cooking dinner, having bought an expensive wine to share with you. When your hands would start to ache and your back and shoulders were sore from the long hours spent holding a paintbrush in an awkward hunched position, he would set aside anything he had going on just to give you all the massages, kisses, and love that you could ever want.

Nothing was ignored when it came to you and your wants and needs. Leon admitted awhile back that he felt guilty for intruding on your space, though you were very quick to shut that down. He was far from a burden, actually lining up more with a dream come true.

And just like he did with you, you spared nothing while getting to know the in's and out's of the man that occupied your mind, heart, and home. You learned his favorite meals, watched his favorite shows and movies with him, returning the massages when he would return from the gym, and paid extra attention to how he liked to be held at night. Who would've guessed that the Leon Kennedy loved to be the little spoon?

What you spent the most time on was making sure to listen when he suddenly went on tangents about his past. They really did haunt him. You would wake up in the middle of the night to him huddled at the top of the bed, arms wrapped around his legs and head between his knees as he did his best to cry quietly. All you could do for him in those moments was pull him against your chest, gently rocking him back and forth while whispering sweet nothings, just until he felt either ready to talk or ready to fall back asleep. If he just wanted more comfort, then that's what he got, obviously.

He was only recently put on a couple medications to help him better manage his PTSD and anxiety since he really had to cut back on the alcohol in order to take them the way he needed. Definitely worth it to both you and him seeing as his nightmares lessened in intensity and frequency.

Now here you were, straightening out Leon's tie for him since his hands were failing him, nerves getting the better of him. He had taken his meds a few minutes ago, wanting to have the full effect during the party to combat any destructive behaviors during it, so it was no wonder his hands were still trembling.

"You're going to do so well, Leon." You smiled, giving him a gentle pat between his pecs after tucking his tie into his suit jacket. He was staring straight ahead, eyebrows furrowed with worry as he stared at himself in the mirror. "You've made so much progress and I couldn't be any prouder."

He licked his dry lips before slowly looking down at you, giving you the best smile he could, which was really just him pulling his lips back tight. If it weren't for you constantly being around to encourage him and push him to get better, he would not be able to attend his own farewell party.

How had he managed to get so far without this level of love and care? Where would he even be without you? Hopefully later when his mind isn't racing a million miles per minute, Leon will be able to tell you just how lucky he is to have you in his life.

Leon watched you in the mirror as you walked around to stand behind him, straightening out his suit jacket in random spots until deciding to just wrap your arms around his midriff, pressing the side of your face against his back with a content sigh. He brought his still-trembling hands up to hold onto your arms, rubbing his thumbs up and down across your soft skin.

His eyes settled back on his own face after staring at your arms linked around him, letting out a shaky sigh of his own as he attempted to just focus on this moment. You were perfect, ethereal, a true work of art. He wouldn't trade any of this for the world.

It took some time, about an hour, before Leon's medication was starting to kick in. You were definitely a big help, he couldn't give all the credit to his meds.

His relaxed demeanor wasn't easy to spot, the man was just naturally rigid, but you waited until he let you know that he was ready; ready to go to his farewell party, ready to see the portrait you painted for him, ready to put in the effort into accepting the next chapter in his life.

The drive to the White House was seamless, having been picked up in a blacked out SUV that held four personal guards, courtesy of the President. Leon wasn't going to complain, he actually kind of liked the pampering effect that came with being driven around by a dedicated entourage.

Almost all good feelings were drained from Leon when the car finally pulled up to the front of the White House where more guards stood waiting to escort the two of you inside. It was still early in the night, but the sun had set long ago, making for quite the beautiful atmosphere.

He could see numerous party attendees walking up the stairs, dressed up in their fanciest outfits for him. He held your hand the entire way up the stairs and into the entrance hall with a grip that was sure to leave your hand hurting. No matter, you could tell he needed you. That vice grip he had was well worth it for his comfort.

There were quite a few more people than either you or Leon expected. It seems as if all available agents, young, old, and retired, had been sent an invitation for tonight, along with quite a few high-ranking government workers. Luckily, this was a private event; no reporters, no news, only those who had been fortunate enough to be invited.

The first to spot you two was Chris who quickly made his way over to pull Leon into a bone-crushing hug, giving him a few solid pats on the back before letting go. Leon only reciprocated the hug with one hand, the other refusing to let go of yours, though his grip had loosened by now.

"Where's Claire?" Leon muttered, leaning to the side to scan over the sizeable crowd. "She's.." Chris turned around to also scan the crowd, squinting a bit as he looked. "She's somewhere. My wife is with her, her family, and Jill."

Leon pursed his lips with a curt nod, humming quietly in acknowledgement before standing straight again. He glanced down at where his hand held yours, squeezing it again for just a second as if to remind himself that you haven't gone anywhere.

Chris had turned back around to see the small gesture Leon gave to you, a coy smirk on his face. "What uhh... what's all this, huh?" He subtly pointed between you and the other man, voice lowered.

Leon cleared his throat and looked around to make sure no one was close enough to hear despite the volume in the hall. "... M'gonna save that for the-.. the speech." Chris just nodded, crossing his arms before slowly turning to look through the crowd again. "Alright, well, let me go find the family and bring them over before you're swarmed." And with that, Chris made his way back into the crowd.

Unfortunately, Leon had been spotted by the rest of the partygoers before Chris could return with everyone. Many pleasantries were repeated while also returning small talk with the people he recognized, which was a lot. You managed to avoid most of it, only being questioned a few times due to the rather obvious hold the man had on you. Despite having attended the last few parties like this, most people unable to recognize you as the artist. A blessing and a curse.

The next couple hours were spent eating finger foods, conversing with whoever, and enjoying the way Leon started to flow with the event. He soon found his way to Chris, Claire, their partners and kids, and Jill which really helped him loosen up. He needed the more familiar faces, having now let go of your hand fully to talk more animatedly with them. You made sure to stick by his side as long as you could, letting out a soft laugh every time you noticed his quick glances over to you to check if you're still there.

The time eventually did come for you to part with Leon, signaling a couple guards to follow you down a few hallways until reaching the room where the portrait sat, still covered with the violet cloth. The decision to keep it back here for so long was made by the President, wanting less of a sudden reveal and more of a build up.

Normally it would already be hanging in the entrance hall, covered and ready to be revealed, but not wanting to risk any potential damage, you were asked to hold off bringing it in until the President was ready to give the speech leading up to Leon's.

It'd been set in the golden frame rather quickly with the help from one of the guards that walked down with you. You had the guard to hold it up for you so you could give it one final good look before he was instructed to lead you back. After recovering, you took the portrait in both hands, holding it close as you were escorted back through the halls and into the main entrance hall.

By now everyone had directed their focus closer to the center of the back wall. Next to where the President stood, your own art easel was now set up. That was mostly as homage to you and it wasn't like anyone besides you would understand that it's yours, though Leon did pick up on that little feature. He'd been staring at the back of that thing for months, counted the various old streaks of paint on the pale wood over and over.

It made his farewell all the more personal, struggling to mask the feeling of the ever-growing pit in his stomach from the friends he was still standing next to.

The sound of a mic being tapped drew everyone's attention in to the President, the volume in the hall quieting to a whisper, soon completely silent as he began to speak into the mic;

"Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you to honor and pay tribute to a true hero, a dedicated public servant, and a loyal friend who has served our nation with unwavering dedication for the past 19 years. It is with great respect and admiration that I address you on this occasion, as we bid farewell to a remarkable agent who has exemplified the very best qualities of service and sacrifice." As the President spoke, Leon held his breath, hands gripping onto his suit jacket to keep from trembling again.

At this point, you'd silently walked along the side with the guards from before, bringing the covered portrait up to the front before carefully placing it on your easel. "Throughout this nation's history, these agents have played an essential role in ensuring the safety and security of our nation's people and have consistently placed their lives on the line to protect the sanctity of our democracy. And today, we acknowledge one agent who has done so with unparalleled devotion."

"This retiring agent has been a silent sentinel, ensuring the continuity of our democratic ideals. Through countless hours of training, vigilance, and selflessness, they have demonstrated a level of commitment that is nothing short of extraordinary. But beyond their exceptional professional duties, this agent has been a friend and a confidant to those of us privileged to work alongside them. They have been a source of strength, a steady hand in turbulent times, and a symbol of the unbreakable bond that can form within the ranks of those who dedicate their lives to service."

You positioned yourself opposite of the President, placing your hands behind your back to keep your posture tall as you now smiled at the crowd, subtly scanning for Leon. His eyes were already on you when you found him, and your smile only widened further.

It prompted his own nervous smile, toying with the buttons on his jacket while turning his attention back to the President, wanting to remain respectful to his, honestly, very flattering speech so far. You followed Leon's eyes, seemingly having the same idea to just watch and listen.

"The sacrifices made by our agents often go unnoticed by the public, and that is by design. Their commitment to duty is matched only by their humility. But today, we pause to recognize and celebrate this retiring agent's dedication, valor, and sacrifice." The President continued to address the attendees in the room, giving you a quick nod before returning his focus to everyone in the entrance hall.

The President outstretched his hand towards Leon standing in the crowd, now staring at him with a prideful yet relaxed look. "To Mr. Leon S. Kennedy, our retiring agent and loyal friend, thank you for your 19 years of dedicated service to our nation. May your retirement be filled with the peace and contentment that you so richly deserve. You leave behind a legacy of honor and courage that will never be forgotten." The crowd of attendees clapped and cheered briefly, causing Leon to reach his hand up to wipe across his face. A poor way to hide his red face. He's done that before, hasn't he?

Once the crowd quieted back down, the President finished his speech with a classic, "May God bless you, your family, and may God continue to bless the United States of America. Thank you" before the crowd picked back up cheering and clapping. You clapped along with them, laughing at Leon's flustered expression. He could barely hold back his smile, not really have expecting to be so well recognized for his service.

Leon's queue to make his way to the front was when the President walked over to stand next to you, making sure not to block the covered portrait from anyone's view. He'd recited this speech to you countless times, even more to himself when he was alone, but all those eyes staring at him were causing him to fumble. He messed around with the mic once he was standing in front of it, and that was your queue to walk over and stand next to him, placing a loving hand on his forearm.

That's all he needed, just a little extra encouragement from the person he relied on the most. His speech was short and straight to the point, never having been a man of professional word, yet he still managed to slip in some words of praise for you and all the help you provided him during his rough patch earlier in the year.

Neither you or Leon had outright said it to each other, let alone to anyone else, but hearing him announce to the entire hall of people that you were his girlfriend made your heart soar. Speaking about you calmed his nerves, and he wanted everyone to know just how lucky he felt, like he'd hoped for earlier.

He bent over slightly to whisper in your ear, covering the mic with his hand to make sure it didn't pick up his voice. "Now, why don't you go ahead and show us all that masterpiece you spent months working on?" Oh, now you were the flustered one, giggling nervously as you gave his arm a gentle squeeze before walking over to where the painting sat on the easel.

"Ladies and gentleman," Leon's eyes followed you as he straightened his posture out, speaking into the mic once more with a wide smile gracing his features, "I'm honored to have the wonderful artist herself present my very own portrait to you." As he spoke, you carefully lifted the cloth from where it was draped over the painting, finally revealing the ever-awaited portrait to everyone.

Just like with Chris and Claire's, Leon was sat in that soft maroon chair, slightly off center, but his position was different with his right ankle rested atop his left knee, elbows on the arms of the chair while his hands rested in his lap, fingers interlaced. His smile was soft and partially crooked while he looked forward with relaxed eyes, a few strands of hair painted to sit in front of his brow. And to tie it all together, it had a lovely green background, a dark forest green as the base while a sage green was used to add texture. The vintage look had always been your favorite, and Leon fit it so perfectly. He was nearly timeless.

Many "ooo's" and "ahh's" were heard amongst the clapping from the crowd, along with a handshake from the President. Before you could turn to face Leon, you felt his arms slowly slink around you from underneath your arms, the weight of his head now pressing down on your shoulder. You could feel his grin when he tilted his head to kiss your jawline, beginning to gently rock you side to side. Getting to show off your work was always so rewarding, but just knowing Leon was handling everything so well was a feeling you'll truly never forget.

He was happy. That's all you ever wanted for him. The man has truly earned his portrait in that agent hall of fame.

The portrait was soon brought down to the aforementioned hall to be hung up and displayed for good, a few small groups trailing down to get a better look at it. Chris was the noisiest about it, telling Leon it looked like it belonged above a grand fireplace, to which said man agreed with.

Chris, Claire, Jill, and their respective families stared at it for quite some time alongside Leon and you. They all chatted while Leon stared quietly, taking in every little fine detail you'd added. You changed his position some, and did he really smile at you like that? He really did look lovestruck. Of course only he could tell that. Hopefully.

He surprised himself with how okay he felt after seeing the painting. You warned him multiple times that it would most likely be overwhelming and emotional, and while it was, it wasn't in a bad way. The most compelling thought he had right now was to just sweep you off your feet and smother you with love.

Leon asked one of the guards to take a picture of him with everyone, including you, in front of his portrait. Then, just a picture of you and him standing in front of it, easily becoming the background on his phone.

The party went on for only an hour or so more before people started to trickle out. You and Leon were some of the first to leave, saying all your thanks and goodbye's with hugs and handshakes.

The moment the two of you walked into your apartment he practically pounced on you before the door had shut, large hands gripping tight on your hips as he sloppily made out with you. He just had to show his gratitude for all your hard work.

Your lips tasted so sweet and your soft little moans were driving him wild, he couldn't help the groan that rumbled from his chest. Full blown sex had been held off by you, not wanting to rush him into anything while you helped him manage his problems. Honestly, he was glad you'd held off on him, because now that he was feeling like his own person again, it made waiting all the more fulfilling.

Leon hoisted you up into his arms after you'd kicked your heels off, holding onto the back of your thighs as he carried you to the bedroom. You wrapped your arms around his neck, giggling against his lips as he carefully navigated around the short hallway and into the bedroom.

You looked so good splayed out on the bed for him, that beautiful dress you chose was insanely flattering on you. It had to go though, so after yanking off his jacket he made quick work of your dress, fumbling with the zipper for a moment before pulling it up and over your head. Your bra and panties didn't last either. He'd only gotten to see you naked a couple times before, but god, he'll never get tired of seeing you this way, acting all shy like you weren't his favorite view.

Leon was so eager to get his hands on you that he neglected to take off his suit, opting instead to hover over you and bury his face into your neck. He wasn't a good artist, but he loved to cover your neck in shades of red and purple like you were his own little painting, akin to leaving his signature all over you.

He only pulled away once you tugged on his hair, listening to your begs and pleas for him to get his clothes off. As much as he wanted to prolong this night and tease you, he couldn't hold himself back. He needed to feel your soft skin against his.

"So perfect." Leon mumbled against your skin, licking and kissing his way up your stomach and to your breasts after practically ripping off his clothes. His hands found their way back to your hips, pressing them firm against the bed to keep you from squirming away as he nipped at one of your nipples, pulling it into his mouth.

He moaned as he sucked and circled his tongue around your nipple, his eyes falling closed. The other couldn't stay neglected, so he brought one hand up to pinch and tug at your other nipple, sighing when he felt your body press against his as you arched at the sensation. He loved when your moans would pitch, so cute.

His cock was pressed against the inside of your thigh, rutting against it when you would tug at his hair. Once he decided your nipples had enough attention, he sat up and grabbed the backs of your knees to place around his waist. The new position offered Leon the perfect opportunity to drag his leaking cock through your folds, pressing it down with his thumb so the tip would nudge your clit with every slow thrust forward.

You were so wet, so delicate. He could've fucked you right then, slid right into that juicy little pussy, but he needed to take care of you first. He would never forgive himself if he hurt you.

Reluctantly, the man pulled his dick away from you, letting out a poorly concealed whine at the loss. He ran his hands up your thighs before moving one hand so he could circle your clit with his thumb, the other hand back on your hip to keep you steady.

"L-eon~!" You brokenly moaned out, pleading to him with your watery eyes. You needed more; his fingers, his cock, anything. He couldn't say no to that, stopping his assault on your clit to drag his middle and ring finger through your drenched folds to wet them properly. He brought your right leg to sit over his shoulder, hand gripping the top of your thigh as he leaned forward, studying your face closely as he gently teased the outside of your slit with his middle finger.

He moaned with you as he slid his finger in, keeping his eyes trained on you as he started to tentatively thrust his finger in and out. "Yeah?" Leon whispered, licking his lips as you barely managed to nod. "Yeeeaah, there's my girl..." The rumble in his voice was music to your ears.

His ring finger was soon slid in next to his middle finger, switching between scissoring you and making a partial 'come here' motion with them. After only a couple minutes you were leaking all over his hand and the bed, the wet sounds of your pussy mixed with your moans making his cock jerk and drip with precum. Leon clenched his teeth as he slowly pulled his fingers from you, immediately bringing them to his mouth to suck off your juices. He let out an audible sigh after swallowing, repositioning his dick to slide through your folds a couple more times before nudging your hole with the tip.

"Look at me, baby..." Leon's hushed demand brought you to open your eyes, if only half way. He made eye contact with you before leaning forward further to kiss you, all the while finally pushing into you. He soaked in your gasp, his eyebrows furrowing as you tensed up. "Relax.. let me in~..."

"It's only me.." He panted, tilting his head to kiss the corner of your mouth as your eyes shut again. "It's only me, baby..." he repeated this a few more times as he eased his cock inside of you, the stretch only stinging for a moment before it turned to pleasure. He filled you perfectly, you could feel every bit of him, especially with his right hand adding a bit of pressure to your stomach.

Leon sat still for a minute to give you time to adjust, taking the way you moved your hips as a sign to move. He pulled out, all the way to the tip, before slowly thrusting back in. He managed to choke out a quiet "Fuck-.." when you clenched around him. "Taking me so well.. such a big girl~.."

He always knew just how to talk to you, making sure to take his time buttering you up. You were putty in his hands, and between his words and the feeling of him reaching so deep inside of you, you could barely think.

It didn't take long for him to start to lose his composure, the sound of wet skin slapping together filling the room as his thrusts intensified. "All mine. All for me." The grip he had on your thigh was sure to leave a bruise, but that was the last thing on your mind.

The hand he had pressing on your stomach moved further down so he could circle your clit with his thumb again, jaw tight as he looked from your blissed out expression to where his hand was playing with you. "Oh fuck! That's it!" Leon growled, eyes glued to your cunt as he plunged in and out of it. "Cream this dick, mamas~... Cum on my cock so I can fill this pretty pussy up.."

The way you gasped and moaned when you came was enough to warrant a noise complaint, but screw your neighbors. You needed this just as much Leon did.

"Oohhh fuck yeah.. Milk me, baby~... shit-" Leon's thrusts stuttered to a stop while pressed flush against you, abs flexing as he pumped ropes of cum into you. Once you managed to open your eyes, all you could do was stare at the man, flushed pink and sweaty, sitting between your legs. Both of you moaned in tandem as he pulled out, Leon groaning to himself as he watched his cum drip from your pussy. Truly a work of art meant for his eyes only.

He leaned over you again to plant a quick kiss on your lips, chuckling when he felt you smile. "Let me go grab something to clean you up, okay?" You could only nod in response, reaching your hand up to caress the side of his face before he stood up from the bed. He walked across the hall into the bathroom, wetting a soft rag with warm water before making his way back over to you.

Leon made sure to be gentle when cleaning you, the warmth from the rag soothing your tender skin. You were able to sit up on your elbows and watch him, using his gentle touches as a way to calm your still racing heart.

After wiping himself off with the rag, he tossed it over in the general direction of your laundry basket. It was a problem for later. Right now, he wanted lay back on the bed and pull you up so you could lay on top of him. Along with just how nice it felt to hold you, he loved the weight of you on him. So that's what he did, pulling you onto him after laying on the bed, running his fingers though your hair on the back of your head.

"Leon." You muttered against his collarbone. His eyebrows raised, yet his eyes were closed. "Mm?" His right eye peaked open when he felt you giggle. "What?"

"I love you." His fingers paused their ministrations at your words. You lifted your head up to look at him, growing worried with his shocked expression. "Sorry, is that too-" you choked on your words, stopped mid-sentence by Leon's arms suddenly squeezing the breath out of you with a very tight hug. He pulled you up just a little further so he could smush his lips against yours.

"I love you too!" He breathed out excitedly. "You don't know how long I've been waiting to tell you!" You tapped his arm and he immediately relaxed his grip, mumbling a small, "Sorry, my bad.." when you took in a deep breath.

"You're adorable, Leon." You shook your head with a smile, brushing the hair from his face to give him a much gentler kiss before settling you head back against his chest with a quiet sigh.

Leon was still a tough man, but you made him soft. Only ever soft for you.

Side note: I totally forgot to add in the pussy eating i am so sorry. i thought i did but it was literally just a thought that never manifested 😭

tags!: @greywardensaywhat @xkittiecatx @httpsuguru @httpsuguru @k-fallingstar @lysa1201 @bobastayhigh @pocketstoriesstore @agent-dessis-posts @klee-iii @missjoenowhere @mi-zer-y @bigtiddiesimp @finsternisle @sweets3rial @sodacolablast (there's a few of you that tumblr wouldn't let me tag for some reason)

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twig-tea · 6 months ago

Note

TWIG! Friend! I couldn't help but notice your tags in my excitement post about getting to La Pluie -- I see that you and I are YYY mutuals. :) Let's call YYY... say... zany or offbeat -- off the beaten path of the usual romance-dominated field of Thai BLs. What are some other "zanier" BLs (not just Thailand, but everywhere in Asia) that you love and would recommend for an off-the-wall experience? And, why?

@waitmyturtles I'm so sorry you sent this a million years ago and then I kept letting it languish. And it's extra rude because I love this question! It's so hard to add something like YYY to a rec list without a billion caveats, so this is a great chance to shout out some of the series & shorts that don't get as much attention. A few of these I know you've seen but I have to include them for completeness.

First, for the sake of other people reading this, as Turtles has written about, Cheewin brings his own kind of zaniness to almost everything he works on; my faves of his other than YYY are Make It Right and Secret Crush on You (the exception is Bed Friend, which is not in any way zany but I still liked it).

Also going to mention that since Turtles asked for off the beaten path zany, I won't be mentioning any of the popular comedies (in case you're wondering why I Became the Lead in A BL Drama or Man Who Defies the World of BL aren't on this list).

Alright now that's out of the way, let's get into the other recs!

Zany lesser-known BLs other than YYY

Ossan's Love Franchise (Japanese, 2016-2024, GagaOOLala)

It is... less true now that this series is lesser-known than it was when I started writing this draft (in uh... August 2023) but I shall persist! The franchise details alone for this series are complete crack:

A 2016 45-minute short [skippable imo];

The 2018 original series which builds the short into a zany 7-episode comedy series about a man in his late 20s who suddenly finds himself the love interest of his older boss (in his ~50s) and his coworker/roommate (in his mid-20s);

The sequel film Ossan's Love: Love or Dead (2019)which turns into an action film halfway through for no clear reason but also remains a romantic comedy in which the mains from the original season decide if they want to stay together

The AU season Ossan's Love: In the Sky (2019) which has the same characters of the lead and his boss from S1 and the short, but this time they work in an airport and all of the surrounding cast is different and leads to a very confusing love rhombus. Incredible 10/10 no notes [people hate this because they like the mains from S1 & the film but I loved the mess]

The sequel season to S1 and the film, Ossan's Love Returns (2024) which you can absolutely watch in isolation and is about the main couple re-establishing their relationship and their found family friend group after being long distance for a few years.

It's truly excellent comedy, and gets better every outing; there are some barriers that might prevent some enjoying the earlier seasons but the most recent one is really delightful. You can hear me talk more about this series with @bengiyo and @shortpplfedup on The Conversation podcast!

Diary of Tootsies (Thai, 2017, grey/Netflix (for the movie))

I love Diary of Tootsies and the follow-ups so much. SO much. One of the best laughs of my life was the opening to the movie, and I cannot be in a long car ride without thinking about the purse incident in s1. This show doesn't get a lot of BL fandom attention because the romance arcs are not typical for BL (but that's one of the things I love about them). And the friendship in this series is truly what sells it. Season 1 is self-contained, a lot of people dislike the romance plot of S2; I really like the arc across s2 to the movie (as established above, I tend to be less invested in a particular ship across a franchise or multiple franchises). The movie plot is all about reconciling who you thought you wanted and who you are with (amongst all kinds of shenanigans).

HeHe and He (Hong Kong, 2018-ongoing, YouTube)

This mockumentary sitcom-style series does tackle some serious topics and is also absolutely hilarious nonsense across its 3 seasons. The very simple premise is that a gay guy ("hehe" is slang for gay) and a straight guy who are old friends become roommates when the gay friend breaks up with his longterm boyfriend and needs a place to stay, and hijinks ensue. They do direct-to-camera confessionals spliced in with scenes from their lives. I love this show so much, and it would actually be high up in my indie BL rankings if it were completed. I lose it at least once an episode. It's very queer (if you want a show that tackles everything from hookups to turning everything into a joke to being so, so mean to each other while also loving each other dearly to even chemsex, look no further), and I am in love with all of the wacky characters that have formed a love-hate found family that is deeply relatable. The creators posted a video a few months ago saying they're struggling to end it in a way that they're happy with so I'm not sure we'll ever get an ending for the show. But if you like comedy and queer content it's worth a watch even incomplete! I've been very patiently following this project since 2018 and it's legitimately one of my favourite shows.

Rainbow Prince the Series (Filippino, 2022, YouTube)

This is a musical; it is a lot of campy nonsense. There is royalty, political intrigue, a dog, kidnappings, and so. much. singing. The songs are surprisingly catchy and it's all extremely good fun. Also a lot of the dialogue is very clearly improvised.

Hey! First Love (Vietnamese, 2019, YouTube)

This series of shorts are mostly just silly fluff. The very tenuous plot is that these shorts are slice-of-life moments from a young established couple, but it's all really just excuses for Vietnamese comedy and BL romance tropes. If you haven't watched anything from Vietnam, this is a very low-stakes commitment (I think it's under 30 minutes of content all told; there are 4 "episodes" which are spliced together shorts, each of which has a tiny plot but there is not much of an overarching narrative, and then a Q&A with the actors at the end) and gives you a sense of the Vietnamese sense of humour. Both of these actors have gone on to continue to be in other Vietnamese BLs, so if you have watched Vietnamese BL you may recognize them! The production quality on this is charmingly low.

Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan (India, 2019, Amazon Prime)

This film was such a joy to experience in a live theatre. Billed "the first Gay Bollywood RomCom", this movie was a riot of chaos, dance numbers, shenanigans, hilarity, and cuteness. I loved the way this film incorporated the very real legal change to decriminalize homosexuality in its story. Arguably not "BL" as it very much fits in the bollywood tradition not the BL tradition, but OP did ask for all of Asia!

Like Love (China, 2014-15, grey)

And no I don't mean censored--this is from before China started censoring its BLs. This show has kisses as shown in the gif, and even (poorly cropped) sex scenes. It also is super bizarre. I was so confused by this show, the characterization, the fourth wall breaks, and how disjointed it was so I went to read the source material and...it turns out it's one of the most perfect adaptations I've ever seen, the book is in fact exactly like this. The characters are caricatures, there is no bridging between scenes, and the plot is the most absurd take on 'loserfail no-thoughts-head-empty character who doesn't admit he's gay but still ends up in a dedicated and loving relationship with a rich handsome domineering man ' I've ever seen. It's a bewildering experience. Note the sound quality on this one is suuuper miserable. I like s2 way more than s1 (s1 is getting together and includes a lot of the bullying-teasing and I'm-not-gay-I-just-need-him-to-pay-attention-to-me stuff, s2 is the honeymoon phase + getting the homophobic parents on board) but S1 is definitely the zanier of the two. That being said, if you wanted, I think you can dive right in to s2 (there's a direct-to-camera explanation of what happened in s1 at the start of it). Note that they set up a cliffhanger at the end of 2 in anticipation of s3 which was going to be made in 2016 but was cancelled because of the political changes in China in 2016 (this is one of the reasons I went to read the source material; they do get a happy ending in the books).

This is an extremely silly but also touching franchise with a lot of tropes I don't love, but also a lot of things I do (and just neat to see some stuff so early in BL: Underwater kiss? Helicopter ride? Femme fatale becomes friend of the faen? Supportive grandparent? It's all here). There are some fantastic speeches in s2 about supporting your gay children; I liked how in this the kids didn't give up on their parents but try to reconcile their filial piety with their dedication to each other. If you do watch S1, highly recommended you watch the series version rather than the film. For "S2"/the follow-up film, make sure you look for the uncensored film version.

The Lover Room 709 Cut (Korean/Japanese, 2016, grey)

This starts extremely silly, plays with BL tropes, and gets a little bit serious at the end but is mostly just full of puns and innuendos. Includes one of the most hilarious takes on kabedon, and egregious use of the soundtrack from Brokeback Mountain. Also: fart jokes. Folks worried it was going to stay teasing the audience but it does commit and we do get an actual resolution that is satisfying. I admit I've never seen the whole series (which includes stories of 3 other couples in the apartment building) but the BL cut is readily available if you search. Make sure you look for the deleted scene with the lotion application--this scene walked so IFYLITA could run (I'm kidding, but it's very funny seeing this scene now and thinking about that one).

The Boy Next Door (Korean, 2018, YouTube)

This is another older series playing with censorship (similar to The Lover) in which the two characters end up in BL romance tropes but are not actually in love...or are they? The shenanigans are very fun. This one is left more ambiguous than The Lover, which is one of the reasons it's further down the list.

Go! Go! G-Boys (Taiwan, 2006, grey)

I debated between this and another quirky comedy from Taiwan in the early 2000s, Formula 17, but while that's unequivocally a better movie, this one is lesser known and more zany, so it technically better fits the bill for this ask (but if you haven't, go watch Formula 17!). The plot is a bit cringe--straight boy signs up to gay beauty contest to pay off his girlfriend's debts (accompanied by his gay childhood friend who is in love with him) and finds his truth. Meanwhile a homophobic police officer has also infiltrated the contest for investigative purposes. Amongst all that admittedly not great setup, however, are several bizarre sequences including the incredible Lord of the Rings recreation scene (complete with Gatchaman of course), a killer soundtrack, a random delivery of poultry, someone slapping a cake, and, most absurdly unbelievable at all: police taking harassing death threats to the gay contest seriously. It does a great job of setting up what should be a dramatic scene and then immediately undercutting the tension with something absurd. It's not narratively good, but it is a fun ride! And yes, there is a happy ending. Stick around for a fourth wall break (literally) after the credits.

Something Crunchy Crunchy (Korean, 2018, GagaOOLala)

Extremely bizarre little musical short in which snacks are anthropomorphized as hot guys and they sing songs about being eaten and wanting to be eaten. Played entirely sincerely, but the concept is screamingly funny. Fascinating. Also, kind of poly?

Dom (Korean, 2016, GagaOOLala)

Another hilarious and weird Korean short, this time in which we see the protagonist's sex life from the perspective of the condom boxes that are anthropomorphized and given personalities based on their brands.

And since we can't leave out the ladies,

A few zany GLs:

Lily Fever (Korean, 2015, YouTube)

I wrote about this one a little in my GL rec list; it is absolutely bonkers nonsense. There is not really a plot, it's a fever dream of a show. Chaos! Not so much a romance as an excuse to see cute girls flirt and make out.

Legend of Yunqian (China, 2020, grey)

I debated including this one because only the middle is really the zany part, it's sandwiched with more serious xianxia drama. But in the middle of this miniseries is an extremely cute interlude in which xianxia characters time travel to present day for ~reasons. It's censored but there is very little uncertainty about feelings, and manages to be absolutely charming. Worth the short runtime for this kitten quickcut (subbed "Whomst?!" in the show for ultimate comedy). Warning for character death (but it's ok because time travel to reincarnated character!) Subtitled by the indispensable @douqi7s [see their pinned post for links].

BetCin (Filippino, 2022, WeTV)

A lesbian couple with a YouTube following decide to break up but then find out there's a contest for couples, and they decide to pretend to still be together to try and win the contest rather than tell their fans they've broken up. This series does some really interesting things by starting with a breakup and then looking at how two people who are no longer dating manage BGP while also managing their feelings. There's a lot going on in this show, and the hijinks definitely ensue!

Perfect One Night Stand (Korean, 2020, GagaOOLala)

This is a cute Strongberry GL short in which a friend agrees to help her other friend find a girl to have sex with before the day is over; they go through several quirky candidates looking for the titular perfect one night stand.

52 notes · View notes

thewriterg · 2 years ago

Text

𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠

pairing(s): Leonardo x afab!reader, Raphael x afab!reader, Donatello x afab!reader, Michelangelo x afab!reader, heretic!reader (witch and vampire), soulmate AU

summary: Fighting an army of foot clan soldiers by yourself was easy but seeing your mates and their father that you began to call your own in pain was one of the hardest things you’ve ever been through you’ve ever been through on your over three centuries of earth and you could never see your mates in pain, not ever.

word count: 10.8k+ —damn boy she’s thick— 😎🤏👴🏿

warning(s): mentions of death and suicide attempts, violence, blood, descriptions of weapons, angst, they’re all 22-20 don’t hit me with that minor bayverse turtle bs, crying, feeling a soul bond dying?, pet names, kisses, and language

A/n: —GIFs; @tkappi & @aurora-the-kunoichi— So I rewatched TMNT 2014/16 the best one beside 2012 btw 🙄 and I’m actually taking this from a draft of mine from like two years ago…

You stood surrounded by over a dozen foot soldiers in the alley just above the sewer occasionally throwing daggers and ripping flesh with your bare teeth you had no desire to drag this fight on any longer than you had to you did however feel the strong tug of your bond pulling you to protect your mates

your mates

Little over three years ago you would’ve never even thought of thinking of such you were a witch yes and you did your studies over the subject but it was brief something you couldn’t get into because you simply would not have something like that of your own

Well you could see how far that got you

At the end of 2016 and beginning of 2017 you had a very awaken feeling in your heart and stomach and the longer you tried to pull away from it the more empty you began to feel so you began to travel with no reason why and after a long five months you were in New York

The turtles didn’t have a clue what was going on in their bodies they had passed mating season and it was almost like the hibernation like symptoms they experienced in the winter because they in fact did not hibernate

From lively, upbeat, hyper, and energetic the reptiles turned into slow, easily irritable, cranky creatures. They had no motivation to train as hard as they usually did, had endless arguments snapping at each other, sleeping for more than twelve hours at a time if Splinter didn’t wake them, and despite an empty feeling in their stomach and chest they had no desire to eat

Leonardo couldn’t utter another motivational speech as he was before when his team were experiencing said dilemmas as he was the last to get hit with the dreadful feelings he could barely drag himself out of bed to use the bathroom so why would he force his brothers to train?

Raphael was snapping at anything that made a noise around him or even seemed to breathe in his direction on the regular he would occasionally bump heads with Leo but now no one was safe from the Red Clad turtles rage and he spent most of his time in his weight room pounding his fish into a worn and abused punching bag

Donatello couldn’t tell you when’s the last time the group had showered nor could he tell you when’s the last time he invented or fixed something hell he couldn’t even think of the last time he even began to touch his equipment he along with Leo often slept the longest even after Splinters attempts of getting them both up

Michelangelo who was usually the most talkative and hyper of the group had fell silent and drained he hadn’t rode his hoverboard in weeks and couldn’t even begin to try to think to pick up a spray can or pencil to draw anything he instead was up all night and asleep all day

The problem was that they were at the end of spring they were not in winter so they should have not been experiencing those said feelings

Splinter had had enough he knew his boys were strong and would eventually shake the feeling like they always did but they didn’t usually get like this until the colder times of the year and it was indeed blazing hot

When the thought crossed over his mind he denied it quickly they were animals such thing couldn’t be possible as he thought it was but as time went on it made more and more sense

Animals had mates and mating seasons yes, his son’s experienced it every year that wasn’t the issue it was the who would fulfill the roles as each of the terrapins mates that confused him the books of turtle mating didn’t cover enough ground for him to get the answers he needed so he was soon once again standing face to face to face with the bookshelf he hardly touch that taught him wisdom and the art he knew today

The mutant rat had picked up a book he had yet to read the only book he hadn’t read it had a brown leather cover and it was thick and full with unread pages he carefully dragged his pawed hands over the front carefully making sure to watch his claws

He’d read the book front to back making sure to read over each page at least twice but he was most efficiently reading over soul ties and sealing soul bonds

Soon enough weeks after he was sure Splinter had all of his sons in front of him and even though they felt this way this odd, empty, pitiful, way they all held their respective positions on their knees their three fingers pressed up against their other pair and head bowed even though they slouched as they all could hear sleep and the voidness beg their names out with a screeching voice

“I have a gift for you all, something as a serve of hope” The mutant spoke in his usual prideful, wisdom filled, tone as he began to explain the tale bits and pieces at a time until the puzzle was made up and the picture was made out in front of them

Leonardo was glad he had an explanation or even a start of why they were feeling this way he could slowly feel some of the weight on his his chest and deep within his plastron

Raphael was skeptical even though he never doubted his Sansei he raised him, never lied to him, trained him, kept him safe when he was defenseless, but he couldn’t help but be skeptical. Even if he did have a soulmate what type of being with a brain and sense of surrounding would want to be with a freak like him?

Donatello was on the middle side of the fence he had his doubts what if they were just going through an early ‘hibernation’ period? Though Donnie wasn’t as open to it as Ralph was he did have a slight fear of rejection but he also had a feeling of excitement? Maybe fuzziness and warmth at the thought of being loved unconditionally that was made for someone just for him.

Michelangelo was ecstatic he would have an angel by his side. What if they were a Jedi? What if they were looking for him too!?

“How do we find our mates!? We should look for them! I gotta find my Angel cakes!” Mikey was out of his kneeling position he was ready to do anything his chest hurt a little less and soon he would realize it wasn’t the discovery but the newly found distance that lifted the weight

“Mikey we can’t just go on a side quest to find people we don’t know” Leo intervened is brothers rambling also getting out of his position of kneeling as the other two turtles followed in suite

“That’s your problem bro it’s not a ‘side quest’ it’s the main mission” The orange clad turtle stated in a matter of fact tone with a smile on his face

“And if we actually meet these people-”

“They’re our mates not jus’ some random people if you wanna be lonely all yer life that’s on you but you can’t make decisions for us” Ralph interrupted with a gruff coolly voice the pair began to argue as Donatello sighed heavily Along with Splinter who suddenly bursted from his quietness

“Silence! Before I send you all to hashi!” The mutant rodent shouted and the room fell silence the only thing erupting from the room was Mikey slightly whining about not doing anything but the group knew that it would just about alway be a group punishment

“You need to find an efficient plan that still allows you continue your duties while finding you’re peace” Splinter spoke wisely before retreating his steps to his room to meditate

“What if we send two of us at a time to search for them while the other two stay here to patrol” Donnie spoke up it wasn’t the most effective plan but it was the best they had the purple clad turtle had finally had relief of the dreadful empty feeling he didn’t plan on going back

“That’s not a bad idea… We should all go back to patrolling for now and then after a month or so we can get everything under control and then we can carry out the plan” Leo finally spoke up after a moment of silence as everyone subconsciously nodded eventually they all went their separate ways with a bit more hope than they started with

They had their Sansei to thank for that

💌💌💌💌

As weeks passed the brothers were too caught up in protecting the city to carry out their plan the reptiles all stood around in the dojo listening to the TV as the channel nine news played filling the silence

There had been ‘animal attacks’ going on all over the city multiple pictures of punctured wounds showed up on the screen and none of the brothers were dumb enough to believe the story that was being sold the wounds were too… clean to be from an animal attack their was two punctured spots with usually a bit of bruising around them and was often found around the neck just below the jugular or on the wrist barely missing a vein

“What if there’s a vampire out there just… feeding from people” Mikey stated in awe at the thought before Ralph through one of the terrapins nunchucks at his forehead while he hissed rubbing over the sore spot

“Vampires aren’t real idiot” The red clad turtle rolled his eyes as he placed is sais in their holsters at his hips

“You don’t know that! What if they could be hiding around us in plain sight” The youngest brother dragged as the group began to move towards the tunnels

��Well the news hasn’t report anyone sparklin’ like a disco ball ‘cause they’re in sun and these bites that people are getting aren’t turning them mad so I think that answers that pretty well” The raging turtle resorted with an eye roll as Mikey sucked his teeth

“Can you both be quiet!” Leo hissed as they quickly traveled through the tunnels the last thing they need was Splinter to hear their conversation bouncing of the metal as they traveled to the surface somewhere they were indeed not supposed to be

Soon enough the group was traveling over the roof of buildings watching over the streets of New York they weren’t as busy as they usually were but they were never empty

“Please, you’re taking too much” Donatello heard it first a small voice slightly whimpering followed by Leonardo as they alerted their brothers silently landing on the next roof close to an alley

“Shut up” A women’s voice erupted from the shadows and suddenly the noise of the first voice was gone the only thing left signaling life was heavy breathing

💌💌💌💌

You hadn’t had blood from the vein since you were around 220 it had been a while 146 years to be exact but even if you happened to be angry at the world for an unknown reason you weren’t stupid leaving a trail a bodies with bite wounds wouldn’t be ideal for laying low

You could’ve gave your victims some of your blood heal them up so they no longer had a mark to show for the attack but humans were idiotic and you didn’t need a baby vamp on your hands because they had found some way to die in twenty four hours

So you settled with this

You could feel different presences around you as you finally let up on the man who you had pushed against the wall tuning in on the heartbeats around and there were four not including the blonde in front of you but they didn’t sound human

Before you could comprehend a hand was on your shoulder crushing your collar bone you quickly gripped what you could make out as a three fingered hand throwing a packing kick to the things knee before swiping under its hold the wind whispering and whooshing behind you

Leonardo slightly faltered in his stance at the attack on his knee as a figure sped around him at a inhuman speed but it in fact was a human and he could feel string of his heart tug slightly but couldn’t think on it too much as Ralph called out to him

“Alright fearless that was your way hears mine” The red clad turtle stated in a gruff voice as you finally stood still in the middle of the alley that voice… it made your ears ring you couldn’t pawn on it long as you got swept off your feet your head hitting the concrete as the light post flickered so neither opposing sides could see each others identities and before the unknown creature could lay another hand on you you had your hand in the air before swiping it right as the being crashed into the the brick wall the sounds of trash bins falling filling the empty air

“What the hell” Ralph groaned quick to get back on his feet while Mikey stood beside him helping him up and was soon going back to the battle

No matter what the team threw at the unknown woman she was back up in an instant and seemed to be healing? Leonardo was sure he felt one of his katanas graze skin on her arm but he watched as the wound quickly mended itself together at a concerning rate

Whatever they were dealing with was not human

“I told you, I called it! It is a vampire!” The youngest brother cheered after coming from checking on the stranger along with Donnie the man was slightly bleeding from his neck and was experiencing some after shock symptoms but other than that was fine

“Mikey!” The other reptiles called as the youngest rolled his eyes mumbling about getting no credit before joining the fight with his brothers

Leo and Ralph were on their knees in front of the girl clutching their heads in pain as she held her hand out towards them and Mikey couldn’t help but realize she looked… human? other than her baring fangs and the prominent purple colored veins under her eyes her skin wasn’t paper white, she didn’t wear a cloak she wore… black jeans and a leather jacket?

“Donnie!” Leo called out groaning and gasping for air the pain going through his head was like a hundred needles stabbing at his brain is this how he was going to die?

“Sorry bro wrong turtle” Michelangelo grinned taking one of Raphael’s fallen sais before throwing it into the women’s shoulder blade as she let out a hiss and the orange clad terrapin was soon too on his knees in pain

Suddenly the light post flickered on and as You saw all three of the mutant turtles in front of you your invisible assault on the brain faltered as you looked at them closely your brain screaming at you to protect them, to touch them, to heal them.

You began to take a step forward before there was a cloth forced down on your nose and mouth and your face burned as you smelled the familiar plant clouding your senses

Vervain

You felt weak as you struggled against the rough yet warm embrace that held you down the plant was one of your very few weaknesses how’d they even know? Where did they even get it? As your vision became blurry, your face stung and burned, and you’re eyelids became heavy and soon you were limp in this familiar yet foreign embrace

The turtles watched as Donatello held a black cloth to the woman’s face and how she went limp in his hold they also watched as their brother stared at the stranger with a foreign care and something else they could quite figure out

Leonardo was the first one to get on his feet as he approached the pair something simply drawing him in and Donnie fought the urge to growl at his brother to get away as he subconsciously held the body tighter It hit then hit the leader like it did his brother as his mind screamed at him

Protect mate!

protect!

“It’s her” The terrapin whispered as he reached his arm out to touch her skin Donatello took a step back a low growl in the back of his throat as started at his brother with wild eyes

“Are you tellin’ me I ‘gotta share a mate with you idiots?” Raphael’s voice was deeper than it usually was his accent a little heavier as he stared at your limp body suddenly next to his brothers with some sort of anger at your unconscious state

“Dudes tell me you feel that too” Michelangelo questioned staring down at you and they could. The bubbling sensation in their plastrons, the protective nature screaming in their head, the odd feeling of the word spinning, and that nothing else no longer mattered

“We have to take her to the lair” The red clad turtle said suddenly ignoring his brother rabid animalistic gazes as he took a step forward to to get a better look at your features the skin around your mouth, nose, and chin slowly mended together itself together at a way slower rate than it was before Leo took note standing by his brothers side

“That herb, that’s her weakness. Donnie what Is that?” The leader questioned now inspecting the black cloth in his hands it didn’t burn or hurt him like it did you

“It’s an oil I made from a plant called Vervain, it’s a strong natural sedative. I figured if we did actually come into contact with an animal than it would be easier to put them down than tackle with it” Leave it to the purple clad turtle to think of every scenario they could be in

“What the hell are you doin’? It’s burning her idiot” Raphael growled now grabbing his brother scaled wrist as he went to sit the cloth back on your face and Leonardo snatched his hand away before responding

“We need to keep her unconscious until we get to the lair. I don't know if you're aware but she's not human or did you forget how she had you on your ass?” The leader rarely swore and it made the hot head get defensive but he was unusually uneasy

His mate was the one who drank blood from civilians.

His mate was not human.

His mate was not just his mate.

“Oh and she didn't have you on your knees begging like a pussy?” The red clad terrapin sneered as the two brothers stared at each other intensely nostrils flaring

“Guys we need to get her to my lab I don't care how we do it but we need to do it quickly” Donnie nugged Leonardo and Mikey tugged on Raphaels arm pulling them away from each other and the leader went to approach the blonde haired male who sat next to a trash bin with a newfound terror in his eyes softly shaking

“Do not tell anyone what you saw tonight. If you do, we will find you.” The reptile stated darkly after making sure the man was fine to walk and had a sense of surrounding

Soon the turtles were back on top of roofs the night winds grazing their scales as they jumped from one building to another quickly keeping Donnie infront as he held your unconscious body in his arms

When the group reached the manhole they were quick to run through the tunnels with silent feet and what would've been and fifteen minute walk to get to the lair was a five minute run as landed silently in in the dojo tip toeing to keep their Sensei unaware of their presence as they safely made it into Donatello's lab

“What are we gonna do to hold ‘er? She’ll just run again if we don't have ‘er held down” Ralph stated and for once Leo agreed while Mikey stood above your unconscious figure laying on Donnies bed, you were so beautiful, nostalgic even. He felt the strongest urge to protect you, the weight in his chest was empty, he felt complete.

You couldn't get away, you couldn't leave them and they just got you.

“What if we tied her down to a chair? You know how they do in those interrogation scenes in the action movies!?” The terrapin said suddenly causing his brothers to look at him pondering

“It's a good idea but, if she can push over Ralph and Leo like she did back there than ropes would be a piece of cake” Donnie shook his head slightly meeting his older brother's eyes as Leo spoke

“Do you still have some of that oil you made?”

💌💌💌💌

You felt your mind drifting in and out of consciousness as the voices around you suddenly went silent you blinked the fuzzy feeling in your brain away as your eyes open vision blurry and you began to take you hand to rub at it to be met with a searing pain around your body if you weren't up before you were now

You roughly thrashed around you restraints Vervain laced ropes clever you had to admit you felt too weak to break out of the chair you were strapped do

“Woah trouble slow yer roll there”

“Please don't hurt yourself anymore than you have ”

“Just relax Angel cakes you're all good ”

“We're not gonna hurt you”

It was pretty ironic that this..mutant tortoise in front of promised you such thing as your flesh repeatedly burned and healed itself

“Let me go” You hissed baring your fangs as purple veins traveled underneath your eyes and your once y/e/c eyes were now replaced for pitch blackness you fought the warm feeling in your chest that was pulling you to these… things

Donatello and Michelangelo watched you in curiosity in this weak state you resemble more of a shaken scared animal then whatever being you were taking on four mutant turtles in the alley thirty minutes prior suddenly the brothers all watched as Leonardo dropped to his knees in front of you staring you dead in your pitch black eyes

The feeling of a tug was no longer there as the feeling now pushed you roughly into this unfamiliar yet certain embrace and the veins under your eyes slightly faltering before you looked away from the Leaders gaze

You were fighting it he though amusingly

He took his hand bringing it up to your face to force you to old hold his gaze ignoring the hiss that erupted from your throat instead just steadily keeping your gaze and finally his brothers took note of what he was doing and followed in his steps coming Into and eye level position with you

Your pupils dilated, the veins vanished from your eyes, and your fangs retracted as you looked at all of them taking it in as a small voice in your head injecting familiar words into your brain

protect them

hold them

heal them

It was never the same from that day but you were… whole, complete.

💌💌💌💌

You were fighting over twenty foot soldier by yourself as the boys fought underground you were simply holding these ones off quickly discarding each that couldn’t seem to get a hand on you sweeping through the grounds with a speed quicker than light

You swept your foot under a masked man making him lose his balance falling on the concrete with a sickening crunch the last small group of soldiers came sprinting towards you and you fought the urge to roll your eyes

You held your hand out as they dropped to their knees some screaming in pain as others groaned and whimpered you held your hand there for a second before turning your wrist quickly as quaking cracks erupted the air around you as bodies fell to the floor limp

You turned on the heel of your boot as you went to open the manhole to the sewer two colossal vans surround both exits of the alley releasing large herds of assassins and soldiers yelling out random codes if Mikey or Raph were here they would squish or poke your cheeks because you ‘looked mean’

Not because you were a vampire over 300 years old and a menace to society

“Any last words freak?” One of the most formal dressed soldiers called out to you surrounded by a dozen more the whole herd pointed their assault rifles at you the red beams bouncing of your clothes you figured he was Lieutenant a weak one but a lieutenant nonetheless

“I do actually” You stated simply and you could see it took some of them back while you held your hands up in the air as a surrender as they waited for you to speak

💌💌💌💌

Raphael pulled himself and April through the crushed rocks and debris that had collapsed from the ceiling as they began to approach the end of the makeshift tunnel an ear piercing scream shook the gravel under their feet the red clad turtle smiled slightly before continuing his path as the brunette shakily stood in her spot

“Shouldn’t someone go help her” She questioned with a concerned look on her face as Ralph turned to look at her smirking before shaking his head before beginning to pull them the rest of the way out

“That’s a battle scream princess you know that out of anyone, nothing worried about” The terrapin knew if you were next to him you would definitely probably kick his ass for calling someone else one of your pet names but how he loves how you glared

April slightly shuttered at the thought to put it in a short term you didn’t get off on the right foot, you hated her when you first met to put it in the most appropriate words she could

💌💌💌💌

You fled around buildings at a inhuman speed looking for the four brothers you went down to the lair and hadn’t found them there Splinter how ever was wide awake and was the face you were met with when you hopped down from the tunnel so now here you were speeding from rooftop to rooftop trying to find the terrapins

“That guys gonna be drinking out of a sippy cup for months!” You listened closely around a mile away you could hear Donatellos voice tracking through the air over the voices, cars, and overall noise of New York

Inhuman speed and hearing just another benefit

“That’s what I’m talking about brother, shadows in the night completely unseen” Was the last statement you heard before a camera flash fluttered across the roof maybe catching your frame in the corner

You didn’t wait before in a blink in an eye you were in front of the girl taking her by the collar of her jacket railing over the roof dropping her onto the hard ground

“You think it’s okay to take pictures of people because they look different from you little girl?” You questioned as the brunette shook slightly in terror watching as your pupils dilated eyes turning pitch black while veins crawled actively underneath your eyes

“花/Hana” Leonardo tried softly sitting a three fingered hand on your shoulder as you snapped around to look at him giving him a soft hiss standing up to your full height from crouching over the girl which didn’t look like much compared to the over six foot turtle (flower)

“You said no more secret patrolling” You stated darkly walking towards the turtle with a slight threat in your step as he backed away the brothers winced they knew they weren’t safe either

“I kno-” The blue clad turtle began

“You all said if you patrolled again you would tell me first” You hissed again jabbing your finger into the leaders plastron as he chuckled nervously

“Listen trouble, we didn’t mean for it to happen like this were sorr-” You were in front of the red masked turtle with a blink of an eye April watched as you practically teleported in front of the turtle with a speed she couldn’t quite comprehend as a human

“Are you sorry because you did it or sorry because you got caught?” The brunette had a slight fear for the turtle beings you all knew each other no doubt as she watched the most buff turtle nervously laugh under your rough gaze

Raphael didn’t have time to respond as you were back in front of her dragging her to her feet and she could see the peak of your fangs as you spoke

“You are going to leave, and you aren’t going to tell anyone what you saw tonight. If you do I will find you” You were back in front of her now looking her directly in her eye’s pupils dilating as April let the feeling of her body take over she didn't have a say a foot forced one in front of another as she came back down the latter she came from beginning to walk the streets of New York

“Did you have to compel her?” Was the last thing the brunette heard as she began to walk home

💌💌💌💌

The pair made it out the tunnel as Raphael told the woman to stay put as she hid in Donatello's lab peeking from behind the door watching as the red clad turtle run off to go help his brothers

Leonardo attempted to go assist Splinter but he was soon stopped in his tracks as a small group of foot soldiers tased his scaley body as he spoke in soft groans falling to the floor at the harsh electrical impact shouting for his brother

“Hang on Leo, I'll be right there!” Donatello wanted to help his brother in the moment her really, trull did but it was a bit difficult when he was swinging his Bo-staff blocking bullets from assaulting his body as at least four different foot soldiers shot at him Raphael finally emerged from the shadows taking two of the men dressed in all black knocking their heads together holding out a hand for his brother

April watched as Shredder began gaining gaining the upper hand on Splinter throwing the rat on top of the dojos platform slowly strolling towards him steel claws slicing through the thick air that fell over the lair

Adrenaline pumping through the news reporters veins as she gripped and pulled on the handle on one Raph's sais that had gotten stuck in a wired basket before sprinting towards the armored bot like man stabbing him in the control system on his back as it sparked from the impact he turned around quickly

“You stupid little girl” The deep robot like voice degraded taking a threatening step towards the girl

“April!” Splinter called out quick to get back on his feet wrapping his long tail around the brunettes frame throwing her out of the dojo into safety as she landed with a whimper at the newfound pain in her ribs and forearm stumbling behind Donatello's steel desk out of the open

“Sensai!” Leonardo shouted sprinting towards his father as the rat landed near a concrete bared gate with a thud

“No, my sons stay back!” The mutant rat crawled to the small lever on the wall dropping the gate the terrapin began hitting his katanas against the bars watching as his father figure got dragged away by a metal fist before he scrambled loose limping back toward the gate

“NO,”

“Save yourselves!” He croaked

“Sensai, Dad! Dad! What are you doing!?” The blue clad turtle cried out

“Hide!”

💌💌💌💌

You watched as the turtles struggled to get the bar gate open from blocking the dojo you rushed over quickly holding your hand out raising it with a strain as the makeshift door slid open

They all looked back at you and could’ve sighed in relief they knew you could hold your on but as your mates they were always worried

The group of terrapins rushed in as their father was held in front of them shoulders slumped breathing shallow and irregular the only sign of life was pleading look in his eyes for them to run, to get away from here

“Drop you weapons or your… father dies” The gruff robotic like voice spoke into the air pausing in a moment of disgust as foot soldiers surrounded them

Just as the turtles were about to abandon their arms of defense a voice spoke out into the open

“You let them all go, or I’ll kill myself.” You stood above the railing looking down on the Dojo as the attention shifted towards you including shredder as his head turned with a metal shriek

“Y/n!”

“What the hell are you doin’!”

“Please!”

“No!”

To put together your statement you had a piece of wood from a broken leg chair directed in front of your heart and as you stepped forward a little into the light Donatello noticed the blood continuously seeping through your clothes

Why the fuck weren’t you healing?

“We both know what I am, that’s why some of your men have wooden bullets?” You questioned even though it was more of a statement and the terrapin’s stomachs dropped with nausea

you could only be killed with wood piercing you heart if one of the soldiers had just a few extra seconds then…

“We also know that I’m stronger than anyone in here so… you can get the turtles with me hunting you down, and not stopping until I’m tearing you apart or you can leave them and take me on your side” You couldn’t meet your mates gaze it would tear you apart so instead you looked dead into the black shield where the man’s eyes were supposed to be

Shredder dropped Splinter from his cold grasp and the turtles immediately began to protest as Raphael was quick to step forward two foot soldiers were quick to turn on their tasing wands with a threatening crack

Shredder suddenly jumped onto the platform above landing in front of you with as the ground trembled beneath you dressed in all silver armor he stared down at you and you made sure to hold his gaze as he held up his cold hand up to you face as his knives rested under your chin and you dropped the makeshift stake from your hands

“Turn it off, no further harm will come to them” He stated gruffly almost as if he was trying to comfort you he had done his research on your kind it was difficult and took years of critique but he’d mastered how to build up and break down your species you knew what he wanted Shredder didn’t have many things but he did have his word

“So, Turn it off.” He repeated

“No! 花/Hana” Leonardo struggled against the grip of four foot soldiers as they tased his plastron and you breathed in a shaky breath closing your eyes feeling tears slip down your cheeks as memories of all you together flashed through your mind (flower)

“Fuck! Princess don’t do it!” Raphael groaned out a yell on his hands and knees his figure jerking as shock waves spread through his body

“Please dove!” Donatello deeply whimpered probably getting the worst of it all as he shook at the taser on his shoulder a little too close to his neck

You opened your eyes and the assault on the turtles ended your expression was lifeless, like a never ending void that went on and on, that you couldn’t get out of.

“No” Michelangelo whispered breathlessly you were without your emotions, without a humanity.

You jumped from the platform into the main room of the lair taking a few steps forward before swiping your hand to the right in front of your body making foot soldier go flying some landing with sickening cracks as you went to stand in front of the turtles

“If you get in my way, I’ll kill you all myself” Leonardo watched as something lit in your eyes before it quickly died down to a nothingness

Shredder watch you with a slight… curiosity he wouldn’t allow you to kill terrapins that was simply against your deal but your emotionless state amused him

“Take care of your master” He stated gruffly and you held onto the silver armor before you were gone zipping through the lair and suddenly there was no trace of you Shredder included

“Fuck!” Raphael screamed into the empty air throwing the closest thing next to him which was a wired basket and hit the wall bending the metal

“Sensai, dad” Leonardo along with Donatello crawled over to the mutant rat who lied down on the floor in defeat pink tail slightly swaying against the floor with light ‘thumps’

“Please don’t do this, tell me what to do” The leader sniffled watching as his teacher, his protector in early years of life, his father seemed to crumble in his hold

“A little beating never stopped this old rat” The older mutant wheezed out while the purple clad turtle looked him over with his goggles a few cracked and bruised ribs wouldn’t be enough to put down Splinter and Leo and Donnie chuckled watery hearts still heavy

“You all need to go put a stop to the Shredders madness and rescue your mate” He stated carefully and all of the brother tuned in listening

“We can’t just leave y-”

“I’ve never informed you all of this because I was in… denial, self loathing even.” The rodent cut off the blue clad turtle and he knew that was a warning so he stayed quiet watching as he slowly raised his body to sit up

“When I was researching about the intertwining of souls I studied that the bond meant more than life itself. I was angered for a short time as your protector. It was… sore how once you found your mate that you would figure you all no longer needed me but then I was at peace knowing that a beings soul was yours to protect and vice versa. I could die tomorrow and as long as Y/n is unharmed you will all be fine and whole” The rat occasionally stopped in the middle of sentences to breathe in sharp breathes as the brothers listened closely water lines slowly filling including Raphael who stubbornly wiped it away

“What are you sitting around waiting for!? Go on now, if my daughter isn’t home by nightfall you all will be sent to the hashi!” Splinters tail threateningly swiped at their feet while Michelangelo laughed brightest out of them all as they began to run to the exit tunnel

Leonardo looked back to see April now at Splinters side as they helped each other with wounds and soon he was out of lair into the world

“Wait, I’m coming with you!” The brunette panted behind the four mutants standing in the alley

“Absolutely not it’s dangerous, and you’re hurt” The leader in blue immediately denied their mate wasn’t in a good headspace hell their mate didn’t have a sense of humanity last thing he needed was no be worried about another body to look after

“It’s a sprain light fracture at most and I have a ride it’s broad daylight how are you gonna get there without being seen?” She stated stubbornly and Ralph tried to cover a chuckle with a poorly concealed cough

“Fine. But you stay in the car”

💌💌💌💌

“Figuring the turtles will come to rescue Mrs Hamato-” Eric Sacks stood in front of you as you watched him walk through the lab going over the plan for the fourth time in a little less than an hour

“It’s Y/l/n I’ve said for the third time now stop threading on my patience Eric respect your elders or I will make a meal out of you” You we’re in front of the man in a blink of an eye hand wrapped around his throat at a bone crushing grip the man weakly nodded before you dropped him out of your hold and Shredder chuckled darkly in amusement while you went to go stand next to him

“We capture the turtles, take some of their blood. If it looks like you’re taking too much from them… I will end your life capeesh? Wonderful” You sarcastically smiled stepping out of the lab into the hallway

“If your emotions happen to get in the way of this, the deal will be off” The heavy metal softly shrieked in the quiet air as Shredder stood behind you and you sighed in annoyance

“I think what you fail to realize is when I turned off my emotions my humanity went with it I don’t feel mad or sad or anything” You briefly spoke before walking out of the man’s sight

💌💌💌💌

“Ram the gate” Raphael interrupted Verns ranting of course Aprils ride was a dweeb who talked their ear off nervously the whole car ride as the brothers began to get in position

“Ram the gate? This channel six propert-”

“I said ram the gate!” The red clad turtle yelled as the brunette man winced pressing his foot on the gas as the wood broke in piece against the van April and Vern who sat in the front seat ducked from the bullet breaking the windshield flying past their temples making a sharp turn running over some foot soldiers in the process

The turtles burst through the side of the Van Leonardo taking care of the few foot soldiers in front of him alone as the rest of them watch the terrapin flip through the air kneeling when he was done as Raphael rolled his eyes as they moved through the building

“Feeling flashy today Fearless?” The red clad turtle grunted out sarcastically settling to use his fist instead of his Sais and the leader shrugged with a small smirk on his face

“Watch he’s gonna do his Batman voice!” Mikey laughed handling his nunchucks lightly as they caused damage and destruction

“I watched that movie once!” He exclaimed as they all rushed through door they came into contact with four glass cages and the sound of heavy metal hitting the floor

“So we meet again turtles, the cages are for you” The bot stated dark jerking his arm down to reveal a claw full of knives and swords and Raph and Leo immediately took their swords from their holsters charging at the shredder and they quickly landed on the floor below

As Mikey and Donnie went to follow your whimper stop them in their tracks as they quickly looked around to finally spot you curled in a corner a stake plunged deeply into stomach as the pair ran over crouching over to your aid

“Donnie, Mikey, please.” You whimpered and their heart broke straight down the middle as you gripped onto the purple clad turtles forearm whispering something incoherent as he leaned his down to listen to you better suddenly you elbow connected to his jaw as he landed less than a few feet away from you stunned before scientist were quickly tasing him making sure he wouldn’t get up

“Jeez Angel cakes that was a low blow” Michelangelo was quick to get on his feet dodging the chair you tried to smash over his head as you quickly stood up snatching the stake out of your stomach dropping it to the side as your skin mended together healing itself

“Come on babe please don’t make me do this” The orange clad turtle pleaded as you hissed at him fangs on display, eyes pitch black, veins crawling under your eyes

“Fuck” He muttered to himself placing his nunchucks in their place on his belt ready to try to hurt you as least as possible even though he knew you could take it

Mikey along with Donnie were the fastest on the team with their more lanky and thinner figures they still however we’re not faster than you as Michelangelo tried to block a good amount of your hits until a sudden kick to his plastron had his stance faltering

You finished the fight with jerking your neck to the left as the youngest turtle slid in front of the scientist and was quickly held in the glass cage

The two weakest were out the way two more to go

You jumped down from the railing landing in front of the two blue and red brothers who had an upper hand on the Shredder they suddenly look towards you Raphael’s assault on the metal armor slightly faltering

“Miss me?” You mocked sweetly before taking a dagger from your boot throwing it to hit Leonardo’s shoulder if he had stood in place for a second longer Shredder took this as an invitation to to kick Raphael’s plastron from his position on the floor as the two were back at it

Leo had charged at you throwing you under all of his body weight he knew you easily lift him but it was a good distraction as you struggled under him before finally flipping positions as you straddled his waist throwing direct blows to his jaw

The blue clad turtle took you by your hip before flinging you off of him as you landed a few feet away you were a little slower than usual and not using your powers as much and the leader realized you were getting tired you were a heretic usually even if a vampire was witch before they transitioned they lost all of their magic but you were a siphon witch and now that you were a vampire you siphoned the energy from yourself

So it wore you out a little more when you used your magic and Leo couldn’t call the last time you had a blood bag which you had substituted from living people

“I told you to stay out of my way” You stated darkly holding a hand out as the leader dropped towards his knees groaning slightly

“Never, not while you like t-this. We’re always gonna be there for you” You through the terrapin up towards the ceiling dust and debris falling towards the ground as he landed with a harsh ‘thump’

“Shut up” You hissed swiping your hand through the air as he landed back on the floor above crashing into a cage as you stood in front of him moving your fingers to put the broken glass back in it place

“Raphael!” April screamed as she watched shrewder gain the upper hand on the hot you quickly sped to one of the now filled canisters sitting it in its brief case before you were out of the building

“Little girl” The man tainted darkly turning to look towards the brunette before Raphael stabbed his metal chest plate earning his attention back

“Focus on me” He grunted and would soon wince at the decision of words as he held onto the metal armored leg while Shredder began to slug his jaw repeatedly

“Donnie! Donnie!!” April screamed through the thick glass banging her hand against it roughly the fight or flight feeling pumping through her veins to heavily to wince at her sprained wrist as the mutant terrapin finally looked up at her glasses slowly sliding down his face

“What do I do!?” She questioned desperately as the turtle muttered something incoherent she pressed he ear to the to hear him better

“What!?”

“Adrenaline” He muttered his head slightly lolling forward as she rushed to the machines harshly tapping on the plus button for the adrenaline stimulation

Raphael struggled underneath the weighted pressure on his shell he could it creaking and cracking underneath the weight of Shredders foot as he finally fell from his knees and hands to his stomach before Vern turned away running towards April as She banged her fist against the machine

“GET UP!” She screamed anguished just beige the three turtles gasped at the air returning to their lungs Leonardo not as affected as he was last to get trapped

The turtles broke out of glass too much energy in their system to simply stand still as they flipped and ran in circles uttering and babbling nonsense

“OH I FEEL REALLY GOOD RIGHT NOW”

“DO YOU FEEL EXCITED IM SO EXCITED”

“I FEEL LIKE CLEANING, WHO WANTS TO CLEAN THE DOJO!? ILL CLEAN THE DOJO!”

“ENDORPHINS? ENDORPHINS!”

“WE HAVE TO GET RAPH!”

“RAPH!”

They turned ran into the railing causing it to cave under their weight making them fall to the next floor but they payed it no mind getting right back up helping their brother to his feet while they kept repeating the same question as he groaned to a stand

“ARE YOU OKAY!?”

“YOU ALRIGHT!?”

“YOU OKAY!?”

The terrapins explained to their brother why they had to go to the finishing each others sentences as they ran around him in circles

“Come on let’s do it for Sensai and Y/n” He stated deeply running out of the building his brothers hit on his tracks making up their on little game of ‘who can catch raphie first?’ he rolled his eyes at it but figured it would tire them out a little so he kept his legs moving

💌💌💌💌

The brothers made it on top of the building as You stood next to Shredder clicking the keys on the keyboard to initiate the toxin for release over New York

You didn’t take a second glance as Shredder turned skeins facing all four terrapins and it could’ve pulled a groan out of him

“Buy me some time… You break the deal and I’ll kill you” You stopped the armored man before continuing your journey of hacking through the systems

“cowabunga!” Michelangelo exclaimed as the turtles ran at Shredder before they were quickly kicked and put down to kiss the floor as Leonardo stood in front of him and he pulled his katanas from his back before nodding as the pair ran towards each other

Shredder slammed the leader on his shell getting a stomp on his plastron before attempting to throw a punch to his jaw the blue clad turtle dodged the hit repeatedly before blocking his face with his katana’s as the steel clacked against each other before the steel made man took him roughly by the shell throwing him off the side of the building

Donatello was next as he held his staff out and Shredder took to blades from each of his hands before putting them together to make double bladed wielding sword and the two clanked both weapons together but the purple clad turtle was soon to thrown off the building

Michelangelo was second to last trying to buy his older brother more time with his cracked shell as he swung his nunchucks freely using the the retractable blade on the side of them the stab into his armor and hop onto his back trying to weld the sharp steel back before he too was quickly thrown off the building with a speed high enough to get him whiplash

Raphael was last more of a distraction than anything as he wasn’t much of use alone parts of his cracked shell covered with duck tape he really wished you could heal him the moment and ended with the same fate as his brothers

Shredder turned back towards you walking back by your side as you set the timer for five minutes before the turtles were back on the building

Suddenly you were out of his sight with a blink of an eye but he paid it no mind as the turtles rushed at him one by one gaining enough momentum to push the armored man off the side of the building

“You know how to work this thing?” The red clad turtle stated gruffly as Donnie set his eyes upon to computer trying to find a place to start to decode it

“It’s a simple command line interface it hasn’t been used in fifteen years, I read about it online but this kind of thing takes time” He stated carefully typing on keys while Raphael watched as Shredder pull himself over the building onto is feet

“I’ll buy you some time” The red clad turtle along with his two other brothers blocked Donnie and themselves from being his blocking Shredders knives with their own defense weapon

“BAM! System disabled! Who wants Italian!? I’m buying! Tiramisu for everybody!” The purple clad turtle cheered soaking his hand flat down on the laptop before he was quickly cut off watching as Shredder called back his knives before throwing them back into the towers weak metal as the canister finally tipped over

“Fall in!” Leonardo shouted as the brothers rushed under the tower taking a corner groaning under the weight

“If the spire falls and the toxin makes a ground impact, it’ll contaminate a ten block radius” Donnie shouted out into the open trying to keep his mind off the weight on his shoulders quite literally

“What’s the odds of us stopping that from happening!?”

“Uhh 0.000000003%!”

“I’ll take it! Nobody moves no matter what.” The blue clad turtle stated finally as Shredder walked to the group Leonardo being his first target as he took a metal fist to the plastron without dropping his arms from holding the falling tower

Suddenly the armored man was pulled back with a force too strong to be human and the turtles could cry at the sight of you standing in all your glory holding a hand out as his metal shrieked against the floor dragging towards you as you put a foot on his metal chest plate

“You traitor” He said with a slight wheeze voice still deep and robotic like as you hummed before speaking

“I just don’t fancy the world going under a pandemic because of silly little chemical, you mortals truly amuse me… You will never be a god Oroku” You chuckled darkly and Leonardo realized you humanity still wasn’t on they’d have to fix that when this was all said and done

Without another word you jerked your neck as the man slid off the side of the towers and you approached the tilting towers and the terrapins felt the pressure leaving their shoulders as they watched you hold both of you hands out with a grunt holding the tower up putting back in place breaking the canister as the red air pressed against a sort of force field pressing back into itself before it finally distinguished

You dropped to your knees blood dripping from your nose as you panted heavily and the brothers rushed towards you bombarding you with questions touching you skin a hand was suddenly on your cheek before you were flooded with darkness

The brothers attentions snapped to April while she gasped loudly mutagen held in her hand as she had just watched the leader in blue snap your neck with a sickening crack

“woah, woah, slow yer’ role there. Vampire, immortal, can only die by a stake to the heart ring a bell by any chance? She’ll be up ready to kick my ass in an hour” Raphael questioned somewhat sarcastically before continuing with his infamous smirk on his face as the news reporters breath immediately slowed

“We gotta get out of here… Thank you O’Neil” Leonardo stated finally carrying your unconscious body in his arms and the brothers one by one said goodbye in their own way and the brunette watched as they finally jumped from one building onto the next the people on the ground below too focused on Shredders unconscious body to see the four mutants silhouettes gone into the light of day

She knew however they would see each other again

💌💌💌💌

“It’s been four days Donnie” Raphael huffed pacing back and forth as they all watched you on the nanny cam or vamp cam as Mikey called it you were tied to a chair shoulders slumped, vervain pumping through your veins, and slowly healing

“It’s tedious process Raph I’m trying to speed it up as most as we can” The purple clad reminded his brother pushing his glasses up on his face

The was the problem the process was too tedious and they all remembered the stages you had to go through so they could find a crack in your humanity

First they had to weaken you which is what called for the vervain pumping through your system like as a makeshift IV Then they had to cause you pain and it was hard for all of them but after multiple days seeing not doing so hot you all know where they were a little less reluctant to, trying to make you feel any emotion possible anger, rage, anything.

But you however figured out very soon that the brothers couldn’t actually do any serious damage to you around four hours ago

💌💌💌💌

You screamed out a groan in agony as Leonardo held the shutter to the window open letting the sun lay on your skin burning you while you struggled against your restraints squirming your daylight ring sitting on the table across the small room that kept you able to walk in the sun freely before finally shutting it waking to stand next to his brother

“You’re gonna thank us for this, once you turn it back on, you realize life of no emotions blew” Raphael stated gruffly before you cut him off

“You knew what else blew? Having to worry about your every move and baby you just because you don’t follow simple directions” That was a low blow but the red clad turtle didn’t let it show on his face as he nodded a sarcastic smirk on his lips as he rolled his eyes

There was a small silence before you were suddenly out of the chair opening the shutters letting your skin burn as you screamed Leonardo quickly rushed to fire extinguisher blowing the cold foam over you blazing body as you dropped to floor wheezing out a chuckle

“I’m the girl you love, I’m your mate. You wouldn’t do anything to actually hurt me you just proved that. So what do I really have to be afraid of?” You stated dryly as Michelangelo and Donatello rushed through the door having watched everything on camera and after the purple clad turtle made sure you were okay he dragged to your feet your arms behind your back before finally sitting you back in the steel chair sticking the needle connected into a tube that connected to the main IV and he made sure up dosage on how much Vervain solution pumped into your bloodstream as you let your head fall backwards sighing deeply and the four brothers left a room without another word

💌💌💌💌

Mikey now sat in the corner on the floor in the fan room as it was his turn to watch you for the night and when he heard you rattling against your chains he knew everything was in motion and just how he expected you were in front of him in a flash not as fast as you usually were with all the vervain in your system but it would do

You pulled him up to his feet and without another word he felt your fangs pierce his neck vision getting a bit blurry as you took blood from him and he soon fell to his on all fours before rolling on his back breathing heavily

“Oh come on I barely drained an artery. Come on get up I’m hungry, my heads fuzzy, I can’t think straight I need more.” You taped his side with your foot ushering him back to his feet as he continued to lie in his unmoving position

“Y/n stop” The orange clad turtle raised his head to lol at you for a second before falling back to the floor with a thud as you mocked for forgiveness

“But you’re so good” Just as you dragged the youngest brother to his feet ready to bight the jugular of his neck you were pushed against the wall your head slamming roughly against the concrete

“Hey! You’re cut off, done! Stop it!” The leader in blue growled in your ear as you struggled against his grip screaming at him for you to let him go

“‘Nough” Raphael stated loud enough for your attention to shift towards him as he shoved Donnie away from checking over Mikey’s body dragging his little brother to his feet as his head fell to the side eyes struggling to stay open

“Yer, actin’ like a little spoiled brat you know that? You think we cant punish you? Maybe not but I can sure punish him”

“You seriously think this is gonn-”

“Shut up! I’m done playin’ nice. Turn yer’ emotions back on Y/n or so help me God I will give ya’ somethin’ ta’ be sad about, I will kill him right in front of you” The red clad turtle cut you off gripping his younger brothers frame against his

“Raphael” Leonardo started

“Don’t Raphael me, she don’t love anyone? Fine prove it, and If I’m wrong what difference does it make? He’ll be outa my hair.” He dropped the orange clad turtle to his knees as he incoherently groaned and whimpered looking towards you for a response

“You’re bluffing.” Not a second later you watched as the red clad turtle twisted Michelangelo’s neck the sickening crunch bouncing off the walls as he fell limp to the floor Leonardo let you out of his hold and you gasped taking a step forward before rushing over to him scrambling to take a seat as you cradled his head you head in your lap

“How ‘bout now you feelin’ anything now? You angry I just turned your buddy into roadkill?” As you took quiet gasps running your hands over his scaled face having taken his orange mask of as sat on the floor beside you

“Or are sad that the guy that everybody loves is just a bag of bones? Trying to imagine when he was a little kid? Warm heart, big goofy smile, brightest laugh, biggest imagination” Raphael pressed as You choked out a silent sob while you pressed your forehead to Mikeys and the apologies spurting from your tongue would never be enough you thought

“My baby, my baby.” You sobbed hardly chest aching heart pounding in your ears and Raph crouched down to meet your eye level

“It’s a good thing he’s wearin’ this then right?” He lifted the youngest terrapins arm to bring in your line of sight and what was on it was a T-pad that Donnie had been working on and he pressed the button of the realistic ‘crunch’ that had sounded through the air

“You feel that weight lifting off yer’ chest? That’s joy ‘cause he ain’t dead, that’s emotion baby, that’s humanity” You took a sharp breath in letting the rest of your tears fall down and Leonardo dropped to his knees behind you wrapping an arm against your shoulder

“You’re okay 花/Hana everyone’s okay” The leader shushed you (flower)

“Why isn’t he waking up?” You sniffled hopelessly looking up towards Donnie as he sadly look down at you before doing the same as his brother taking a seat next to you pressing a kiss to your forehead

“Just a little blood loss he’ll be fine, you can speed it up if you want” He spoke quietly and quick you brought your wrist to to your lips biting into your flesh before you pressed it to Mikey’s mouth letting the blood coat his lips and slide down his throat

“I’m so sorry, I was just trying to protect you I didn’t mean for this to happen for the first time in centuries I was actually scared. I-I didn’t know what to do” Donatello read your vitals starting to come down you were just in a bit of shock it was expected

“Don’t be so harsh on yourself Angel cakes if it made you feel better that was totally hot” The orange clad turtle spoke from his position and rushed to hold him tightly his skin mended together the only thing left was smeared blood against his neck

“Can’t believe that plan actually worked, yer a little wuss you know that?” Raphael’s voice cracked slightly eyes watering as you stared up at him with a relieved watery look on your face and that’s all it took for the buff raging red turtle to join in the forming turtle pile around you

💌💌💌💌

WOO after about just under a week and a half of writing I’m done

*cracks neck*

time to take another three week break 😊

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rjzimmerman · 4 months ago

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Food as You Know It Is About to Change. (New York Times Op-Ed)

From the vantage of the American supermarket aisle, the modern food system looks like a kind of miracle. Everything has been carefully cultivated for taste and convenience — even those foods billed as organic or heirloom — and produce regarded as exotic luxuries just a few generations ago now seems more like staples, available on demand: avocados, mangoes, out-of-season blueberries imported from Uruguay.

But the supermarket is also increasingly a diorama of the fragility of a system — disrupted in recent years by the pandemic, conflict and, increasingly, climate change. What comes next? Almost certainly, more disruptions and more hazards, enough to remake the whole future of food.

The world as a whole is already facing what the Cornell agricultural economist Chris Barrett calls a “food polycrisis.” Over the past decade, he says, what had long been reliable global patterns of year-on-year improvements in hunger first stalled and then reversed. Rates of undernourishment have grown 21 percent since 2017. Agricultural yields are still growing, but not as quickly as they used to and not as quickly as demand is booming. Obesity has continued to rise, and the average micronutrient content of dozens of popular vegetables has continued to fall. The food system is contributing to the growing burden of diabetes and heart disease and to new spillovers of infectious diseases from animals to humans as well.

And then there are prices. Worldwide, wholesale food prices, adjusted for inflation, have grown about 50 percent since 1999, and those prices have also grown considerably more volatile, making not just markets but the whole agricultural Rube Goldberg network less reliable. Overall, American grocery prices have grown by almost 21 percent since President Biden took office, a phenomenon central to the widespread perception that the cost of living has exploded on his watch. Between 2020 and 2023, the wholesale price of olive oil tripled; the price of cocoa delivered to American ports jumped by even more in less than two years. The economist Isabella Weber has proposed maintaining the food equivalent of a strategic petroleum reserve, to buffer against shortages and ease inevitable bursts of market chaos.

Price spikes are like seismographs for the food system, registering much larger drama elsewhere — and sometimes suggesting more tectonic changes underway as well. More than three-quarters of the population of Africa, which has already surpassed one billion, cannot today afford a healthy diet; this is where most of our global population growth is expected to happen this century, and there has been little agricultural productivity growth there for 20 years. Over the same time period, there hasn’t been much growth in the United States either.

Though American agriculture as a whole produces massive profits, Mr. Barrett says, most of the country’s farms actually lose money, and around the world, food scarcity is driving record levels of human displacement and migration. According to the World Food Program, 282 million people in 59 countries went hungry last year, 24 million more than the previous year. And already, Mr. Barrett says, building from research by his Cornell colleague Ariel Ortiz-Bobea, the effects of climate change have reduced the growth of overall global agricultural productivity by between 30 and 35 percent. The climate threats to come loom even larger.

It can be tempting, in an age of apocalyptic imagination, to picture the most dire future climate scenarios: not just yield declines but mass crop failures, not just price spikes but food shortages, not just worsening hunger but mass famine. In a much hotter world, those will indeed become likelier, particularly if agricultural innovation fails to keep pace with climate change; over a 30-year time horizon, the insurer Lloyd’s recently estimated a 50 percent chance of what it called a “major” global food shock.

But disruption is only half the story and perhaps much less than that. Adaptation and innovation will transform the global food supply, too. At least to some degree, crops such as avocados or cocoa, which now regularly appear on lists of climate-endangered foodstuffs, will be replaced or redesigned. Diets will shift, and with them the farmland currently producing staple crops — corn, wheat, soy, rice. The pressure on the present food system is not a sign that it will necessarily fail, only that it must change. Even if that progress does come to pass, securing a stable and bountiful future for food on a much warmer planet, what will it all actually look like?

#climate change #agriculture #food production

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res-on8 · 8 months ago

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Let me tell you about the Original Boop War

In light of Tumblr's boop button and subsequent World War Boop, I would like to inform you all of the physical boop war I had 6-7 years ago.

I met a really good friend of mine in the theatre we were tech/crew for in college, and we literally forged our friendship through the so-called Boop War. I was a 3rd year/junior and he was a 1st year/freshman. He was always a weird, funny, and interesting guy, but in his second semester, I decided one day to give him a friendly boop on the nose as he was just standing there.

He replies, "Oh, my favorite part of boops is getting someone back when they least expect it!"

"Haha, I've never heard of that!" I said. And so began the Boop War.

*Story below the cut*

We would do almost anything we could to get in a boop on one another. Everyone else in the shop would occasionally ask us who was winning, and for the first two semesters, we only kept track of who was up or down, not the actual numbers exchanged.

There were a few rules, such as: must touch the tip of the nose, and the boop war only took place during work (meant we could hang out doing normal things without paranoia), also no booping when on ladders, using saws, or doing other activities that could cause harm when dodging a boop. You had to say "boop" when administering a boop, otherwise it wouldn't count. We went so far as to include half-boops when someone like very barely touched a nose, or if someone didn't announce it.

Anyway, we kept track of wins by semester. I won the first, my friend the second, and then I got the third. The third and final semester, we did actually keep track of exchanged boops (21 to 20).

However, even if I won the Boop War, he got in the single best boop. "Hey, [Res], what's the element on the periodic table labeled 'A-h?'"

My thoughts were slow. I was a physics major, not a chem major. "Uhhh....I don't think there--?"

"THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE!!!!! BOOP!!!!!!!" he shouts before running away.

I was stunned for a few moments before cracking up along with everyone else who witnessed.

This is all to say that while I love this virtual boop button on Tumblr, the one true Boop War in my heart is from January 2017 to April 2018. Tumblr only just getting to our level.

(And, yes, I did tell that friend about this feature. He was as charmed by it as me, and we both agreed how much we missed the Boop War.)

((This is also the same friend whose birthday is two days after mine, so we celebrate OUR birthday on the day in between. We call at least once every year on that day to catch up and reminisce.))

(((He is still in my phone contacts as Boople Snoot, has been for years)))

*((((Edit to add the cut because I wanna pin this and I don't want it crazy long lol))))*

#boop #the boop war #World War Boop #tumblr #april fools #I can't imagine anyone else cares about this as much as me #but this was one of my favorite college memories #and it's relevant today so you know what? I do what I want #and what i want is to type up this super long post about the Boop War

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purplemortuary · 1 year ago

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My heart hurts.

Atsushi Sakurai, you gave me countless moments of joy, sadness, nostalgia and love among many feelings.

I don't even remember how I found out about Buck-Tick but wasn't more than a couple of years ago, sadly I didn't find your music before which would have been a delight.

I'm still making my peace with the fact that you won't be around anymore, I have moments of denial and moments of tears. There are instants in which I'm like "But how? He was here last month, how is he not here anymore, he was still young"

It all felt so sudden but somewhat I've been depressed for days and I didn't know why, I guess I was even more worried than what I wanted to admit after his heath declined but a part of me was trying to think "he's alright and resting with his cats at home"

But days kept passing and there were no news, U-ta said he was going to take a break from his blog which felt odd but I still thought "maybe they realised it's time to take it slower and take care of themselves"

When I finally saw the announcement, a chill runs through my body and I am shaking, I told a friend with whom I was talking to "he died" and I couldn't believe the words came out of my fingers typing. I read the post probably 20 times hoping for it to change.

Then it all made sense, Issay, COVID, the stress he was probably having, his voice being hurt, Imai drinking a beer I believe in the middle of the night, U-ta stopping his blog and the very late birthday wish for Imai on the Instagram profile.

He died the very day he stumbled in his feet but still kept going for three songs, I heard from people who were there that something didn't feel right from the start, that day will stay forever in my heart. I have many drafts and sketches of him but almost never finished anything, one day I might.

I know that I will never get the chance to see you dance and sing with your beautiful voice which was something I was planning on my trip to Japan in the next few years, now even thinking about travelling feels painful, but I'll try to remember the good side of you, the songs you gave us, the laughs and smiles you gifted us, the thoughts you shared with us, the turbulent times and the happy times.

I know you probably had a difficult and sometimes lonely life, sometimes I felt connected to your opinions in interviews and views on life and relationships.

I don't know what's going to happen to the band now, only time and decisions of Mr. Imai, Mr. Hoshino, Mr. Yuta and Mr. Yagami will say.

Regardless of what happens, I will support their choice and keep loving them as the band that was born in school and didn't know the future was going to be more than 35 years together, a life full of experiences.

Thank you so much for sharing a part of your life with us and I'm forever grateful that I got to exist in the same timeline as you.

Photo: Atsushi Sakurai's hand (top) in 2017 from Jin Shirosaki's blog (https://ameblo.jp/shirosaki-jin/entry-12342363953.html)

#atsushi sakurai #櫻井敦司 #buck tick #dealing with grief

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pandalandalopalis · 11 months ago

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Devil May Cry Wolf - Matt Murdock x Mutant Reader [Chapter Sixteen]

Masterlist Previous Chapter

Story Synopsis: The first time you jumped, it was 2014 and you were nine years old. You were in the back of your parents’ car — then you were in New York, standing on the street … and it was 1992.

The second time you jumped, it was 1998 and you were fifteen years old. You were heading back home to Saint Agnes after school had ended — and then you were knee-deep in snow, in Russia, in 1970. Outside a Red Room facility.

The third time you jumped, you were twenty-five and had spent ten years training as a Red Room agent. Ten years training your body to use your mutation. Jumping in space was easy — jumping in time was not. But you did it. After ten years, you did it. Now you have to live with the trauma.

Five years later, killing is still the only thing you know how to do, and the only thing you do best. In 2016, a vigilante named Daredevil stops you from killing a man who attacked you. He tells you that you can do better. You think maybe he’s right. But in 2017, Matt Murdock is in the darkest place in his life. When you show up to save him, he’s not exactly grateful. And when he finds out that you’re the best friend he grew up with in Saint Agnes that disappeared almost 20 years ago — things get even more complicated.

You’ll have to drag Matt out of the dark while being jaw-deep in it yourself. And you’ll have to try your best to do better — when Matt is trying his best to do worse.

Chapter Synopsis: You go through therapy. You go on a date with Steve that gets interrupted.

Warning: Brief mention of Wolf’s suicide attempts. Brief allusions to sexual assault.

Part 2 - Chapter Sixteen: Wolf, Interrupted

A/N: Therapy is important and it can help. I’ve been to therapy many times and I’ve had about four therapists over the years. It can be hard but it does help in the long run. It’s important to remember that healing is not a linear process. Just because you experience set-backs does not mean that you’re not getting better. It also looks different for everyone. Also! Not all therapists are right for everyone. Don’t be afraid to get a new therapist if you feel the one you have is not working for you, they won’t be offended. Sometimes therapists have different styles and you need to find the one that works for you. If you’re having a hard time, I strongly encourage you to seek therapy if that’s something you have available to you (I know it can be expensive which I recognize is something that can make getting therapy difficult). I know it may sound trite because people say it so often, but it will get better. You’ll find your way. I love you all. Anyway. I got DMCW brainrot. This is over 13k words. Enjoy.

You told her everything. You did not hold back.

But telling your story was not like the times you had told it when you weren’t sober. Anytime you tried to say it casually, like it didn’t matter, the words got stuck in your throat and it was an effort to get them out.

It took a long time to get through everything. You thought it would take one session to simply tell her everything that had happened in your life, just the facts and background, not how you felt or what you thought about them — but it wasn’t like that. Each moment in your life that you went over, your eidetic memory brought to the forefront.

For some of them, a fifty-minute session was not enough. Your first weeks in the Red Room. The first time you killed someone. Each of your two suicide attempts. The reason behind those suicide attempts.

You re-lived each of these memories in graphic and vivid detail, with no substance to blur the edges and numb the feeling. To get the words out on what happened took a long time. You knew the Doc saw the moments for herself, so she knew them already, but the point of the therapy was for you to say it out loud. To narrate it yourself. To tell the story in your own words. It was a way to . . . walk through the memories, rather than let yourself be dragged through them.

It was a slow and excruciating process and many times you asked yourself what the point was. How this would help you.

And yet, throughout, the Doc re-lived the memories with you. You felt her in your mind, her telepathy like a warm hand wrapped around yours as you walked through each painful and anguished step. Someone who waited patiently each time you stumbled. Each time you found it difficult to continue. She waited. And sat with you. And let you lean on her when you were ready to stand again.

Fifty minutes, every day, you endured. You wanted this to work and you wanted it to work as fast as possible. But the Doc told you that healing is a process, and it is a non-linear process. She told you that you may get better and then experience set-backs where things get worse again. She told you that’s normal. That healing is not just continuously getting better and staying better until you’re completely healed. She told you that healing takes as long as it takes and that it can’t be rushed. Which was why she encouraged you not to time travel ahead to the next session, as if you could live as many therapy sessions back-to-back as you could in an effort to fix yourself as fast as possible. She told you that part of the healing process involved learning how to live daily life with your trauma.

She gave tips on how to build healthy coping mechanisms. She taught you how to be grateful. To take time out of your day to recognize the things you were grateful for. Not being in the Red Room. Not living with the threat of violence every day. Being able to make your own choices. And little things, too. Coffee. The colour of the sky. The way the outside air smelled on a crisp, clear day.

She encouraged you not to let yourself be alone. That being alone would only induce intrusive, negative thoughts of your past and send you spiraling.

But you couldn’t contact Matt. The two of you still weren’t on speaking terms. You weren’t ready to see him yet. Not after what he had said.

So between the sessions, in the evenings and on the weekends, you contacted Karen. She wasn’t like the Avengers, she knew who you were and what you’d done. You didn’t have to pretend you were someone that you weren’t.

You didn’t talk to her about your trauma, that was saved for the Doc, but you spent time with her. Let yourself not be alone. Talked about things that didn’t matter. Went to coffee shops and walked in the park.

Karen was only happy to oblige you. She kept your mind off things. She had a wealth of things to talk about. She gave you suggestions for books to read, smutty romance stories that could keep your mind busy in the times when you were not in therapy and when you were not with her.

She did ask things, but she did not push. She was always gentle. How are you doing today? How is therapy going? Is there anything you’d like to talk about?

Have you seen Matt lately?

Some questions you answered and some you did not. But you were always honest with her. When she asked you things, she seemed to genuinely want to know the answer. She was easy to talk to. Today is fine. Today is not good. Today is really bad. Today is better. Therapy is good. Therapy is the worst thing invented. Therapy is like putting your heart on a metal pike and watching it bleed. Therapy is helping. No, there isn’t anything I want to talk about, but thank you.

No, I haven’t seen Matt lately. And that was it.

Karen noticed the first day that it looked like Matt hadn’t slept a wink. He was distracted, he was irritable. His mind was clearly elsewhere. He checked his phone messages almost obsessively. He snapped a few times at her and Foggy.

When she tried to ask him what was wrong, he only told her Nothing, I’m fine and wouldn’t give her anything more than that. Then she told him off for being an asshole to her and Foggy when they hadn’t done anything to upset him like this. He apologized, but didn’t explain his behaviour.

This went on for the next week. After his apology he no longer snapped at Karen or Foggy, but his distracted and sleep-deprived mood stayed. He barely got any work done. He was tense, all the time. Karen kept trying to get what was wrong out of him but he refused to say.

It wasn’t until Y/N contacted Karen on the weekend that she finally knew the reason why.

Y/N had never contacted Karen directly before. They always hung out in a group of four, with Matt and Foggy. So when Y/N asked if just the two of them could hang out, she didn’t dislike the idea but she was a bit surprised.

Karen thought, if anyone would know what was wrong with Matt, it would be Y/N. And then all the pieces fell into place when Y/N admitted,

“Actually, um, Matt and I are not on speaking terms right now.”

Suddenly all of it made sense. Karen had seen the way Y/N and Matt were with each other, she knew how close they were and what they meant to each other. The fact that they weren’t talking, that was the reason for Matt’s lack of sleep and bad mood. The obsessive voicemail-checking made sense now, too.

“What happened?”

And then Karen noticed what she hadn’t a moment before: how much Y/N’s demeanour represented Matt’s. Worse, even. The bags under her eyes and the vacant look in her expression. Her faraway stare. And for the first time that Karen had ever seen of her, Y/N’s eyes filled with tears.

“I don’t want to— Fuck, I’m sorry.” Y/N scrubbed at her face, like she was embarrassed by the tears running from her eyes. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

Whatever it was, it was clearly something bad. Karen touched Y/N’s hand and made her voice very, very gentle. “Are you okay?”

And then Y/N’s face broke and her voice was a shattered and wrecked admission, “No.”

The sobs came as if she couldn’t stop them. Karen did not hesitate to wrap her arms around Y/N. She held her and let her cry into her shoulder.

When Y/N was finally able to pull enough of herself together to speak, she gave some explanations. How she got sober recently. How that made it difficult to cope against the things in her past that had happened to her. How she used to use drugs and alcohol to cope against her eidetic memory, which made her re-live things in crystal clear detail. How she started going to therapy. How her therapist suggested she reach out to someone. To not be alone.

She didn’t explain what had happened between her and Matt, but Karen knew that whatever had happened meant that Y/N couldn’t reach out to Matt so she wouldn’t have to be alone. And if Y/N was reaching out to Karen, it probably meant that Matt was not just Y/N’s closest friend — he was her only friend.

On Monday, when Karen saw Matt in the office again, she knew she needed to give him something. For his sanity.

“Y/N’s okay.”

Matt’s head snapped up when Karen spoke. His eyebrows knitted together. “What?”

“She contacted me. We had lunch yesterday.”

“You saw her?” Matt hadn’t known where she was. It weighed in the pit of his stomach, the idea that she had run away again, that she was far away or lost in time. That she wasn’t coming back. And he was so fucking angry with her, for making bad and selfish choices, for the things she had said during their fight, and yet he couldn’t stop himself from being worried out of his mind. He couldn’t sleep. He could barely eat. Because he knew, no matter how angry he was, that losing her would kill him.

But she wasn’t gone. She was still in New York.

And yet a worse thought found him: Did she find a way to get rid of her memories after all? When Karen said she was okay, did she mean she was void of her trauma? Perfectly fine without the truth of her memories haunting her? “She’s . . . okay?” Matt repeated.

“Well, to be honest,” Karen said, “she’s really not okay. She’s working through a lot of things, and I’m not really sure how much of that you know. I still don’t know what happened between the two of you; she wouldn’t say. And I won’t ask you again, because I know you won’t tell me. So, she’s not okay . . . but she’s trying to be.”

She still had her memories. She didn’t get rid of them.

Something very heavy lifted off Matt’s shoulders.

God. He was so tired.

Karen didn’t tell Matt any other details about her meeting with Y/N. She wasn’t sure if Y/N would want her to tell Matt any of that. But she gave him enough to give him peace of mind.

Matt nodded, not saying anything. Then he took off his glasses and put his face in his hands.

Karen walked over to where he was sitting at his desk, and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Let them sit in silence like that for as long as Matt needed.

That evening, Matt and Foggy went out for drinks at Josie’s. Karen had plans, so she didn’t join them.

Matt knew that Foggy’s patience had run out before he even spoke.

“Okay, you really gotta tell me what’s going on with you,” Foggy said. “I know you love bottling things up but I was hoping this time around our friendship would be different. You can just keep secrets like you used to. May I remind you that that was the reason our friendship fell apart in the first place.”

Matt sighed. “I know. You’re right. I’m sorry.” He paused, collecting himself. Now that he knew that Y/N at least hadn’t left New York and hadn’t erased her memories, he felt prepared enough to talk about this. “Things between Y/N and I are not good. We’re not talking right now.”

Foggy’s tone was sympathetic. “What happened?”

“I’m not sure how much you’re aware of Y/N’s past, but she’s been through a lot,” Matt began. “I won’t get into it, but there’s a lot of bad there. A lot I’m sure I still don’t know about. Things a person should never have to go through. And she’d been using alcohol and Oxy to cope with that.” He paused again. “She got sober recently. Because I asked her to.” There was a tinge of guilt there though he knew it was ultimately her choice, though he knew that it was ultimately a good thing. She still did it because he asked her to. And she was still suffering because of it. “I didn’t ask her to do it forever — just for a night. But she decided to get clean. I think a part of her wanted an excuse to do it. But she’s not doing well. She’s not coping. And I don’t know how to help her. I don’t know how to protect her from things that have already happened.”

Useless. What did he have besides his fists? What was he worth more than that? What did he have that could help her?

“She . . . she tried to have all her bad memories erased,” Matt continued.

“What? You can do that?”

“If you find a telepath, I guess so,” Matt said. “But I guess the telepath she found refused to do it. We fought about that. I didn’t think it was a good idea. I . . . didn’t know what would happen to her if she did. If it went wrong, if it wiped all her memories, if I would lose her forever.” Matt held his beer tightly in his hand, feeling like teeth would break under the pressure of his jaw. “She said . . . she’d rather that happen than keep the bad memories. She said that our memories, everything we’d been through together, weren’t worth keeping. She said that . . . that I wasn’t worth keeping her trauma.”

“Shit,” Foggy swore softly. “That’s harsh.” He was quiet for a moment, taking all this in. “Do you think she meant what she said?

“I don’t know,” Matt answered honestly. “I mean . . . is it fair to ask her to keep all her bad memories? When it’s making her suffer like this? I don’t know. And the thing is I’m really . . . angry with her. That everything we’ve been through together could mean so little to her. But at the same time I’m. . .” he breathed in, hauling the breath into his lungs, “. . .just really, really worried about her.”

Foggy sighed. “What I’m about to say . . . it’s not going to help you. And you probably don’t want to hear it. But it needs to be said.”

He paused, and Matt waited.

“Now you know how it feels.”

Oh.

Right.

How many times had Matt made things difficult for Foggy and Karen when it came to his other life? How many times did he make them worry? Make them angry with what he was doing? Let them down? Make it hard for them to be friends with him? . . .Say awful things?

“Yeah,” Matt breathed. “I know.”

Maybe this was karma. Matt thought of the way he treated Y/N when he was at the lowest place in his life. When she saved him. When she kept coming back, time and time again. How angry he was. How cold.

And for the first time, Matt really considered how hard Y/N tried when he was being so horrible to her. He said so many terrible things to her and she didn’t let it stop her. Both Foggy and Karen had given up on him, both before his near-death and after it, but Y/N refused to. She took every bad thing he threw at her and she kept coming back.

“You should forgive yourself,” she’d said, sick with withdrawal, sitting pressed against him under the warm spray of his shower. “I already have.”

“What do I do?” Matt asked after a time, and he hated the rough sound of his voice when he spoke. “I think I said something she took the wrong way. I told her I was afraid that erasing her bad memories might change her. I think she thought I meant that her trauma is such an integral part of her that getting rid of it would make her unrecognizable. I didn’t mean that. I don’t really know what I was afraid of . . . I just didn’t know what would happen if she went through with erasing her memories. I know I have a lot of memories that I’d rather forget. But I wouldn’t erase them because I don’t know how that would change me. But I don’t believe that everything I am is built on the bad things that I’ve been through.”

Matt paused when he realized that wasn’t quite true. Was he not his father’s bloody knuckles and fighting spirit? Was he not his father’s death? Stick’s weapon? Elektra’s death? Stick’s death? His mother’s abandonment? Y/N’s disappearance? Foggy’s abandonment, Karen’s abandonment, everyone who had ever left him. . . . Every broken bone and bruise and wound and everything that hurt. . . . Wasn’t that everything that made him into who he was now?

Matt exhaled. “Maybe I am. Maybe that is what I meant. I don’t know. Shit.” But did he believe that about Y/N? That she was the Red Room and every person she’d murdered and the things she’d done that terrified Frank Castle and the kids she’d helped traffic into the Red Room and the things the Winter Soldier had done to her and all the things she couldn’t even tell him. . . .

No. Of course not. Of course he didn’t think that. Maybe he was his trauma but she wasn’t. She was friendship and the only good thing he had at Saint Agnes and the person who chased away his loneliness. She was funny in a dry way and incredibly smart. She was the person who had his back, not just before she disappeared but after — The person who pulled him from the darkness and made sure he was okay before she even considered leaving. Who stayed because he asked her to. Who joined him in his vigilantism, who felt the need to get her hands dirty the same way he did. Who felt that same sense of justice that he did, though she wouldn’t admit it. She was those things. Not the Red Room. Not everything she wouldn’t say. Not her trauma.

But God. He was an asshole for making her believe that that’s what he thought about her.

“Is that what you think?” Foggy asked, cutting through Matt’s thoughts.

Matt shook his head. “I don’t really think that she—”

“Not Y/N,” Foggy interrupted. “You. Do you really believe that who you are is built on the bad things that you’ve been through?”

Matt paused. “Well . . . isn’t it?”

“Matt. That’s not true, and I don’t want you believing that it is,” Foggy said. “You’ve done so much that has nothing to do with the bad things you’ve been through. You’re a lawyer. You help people by defending them in court. And you’re . . . not always a good friend but you’re a good person. If you were really all the bad things that you’ve been through then you’d be a villain and a bad guy. But you didn’t let all that bad stuff change you like that. Which means who you are is not those bad things. Okay?”

Matt gave his friend a tight smile. “Thanks, Foggy.” Maybe he was right. Maybe Matt needed Foggy to be right. Maybe he needed to let himself believe it rather than dig himself into a deeper spiral like he used to do.

And yet.

You are not worth keeping my trauma.

“Now,” Foggy said, “the karmic justice of you having to deal with Y/N’s situation in exactly the same way I had to deal with your situation aside . . . Do you think she’ll find a way to go through with erasing her memories?”

“I thought she might, but now I don’t think so,” Matt answered. “Karen said Y/N reached out to her, and that she’s trying to work through things. Which means she still has all her memories.” He rolled his beer between his hands. “I was afraid she might run away again, but she met with Karen, which means she’s still here. She hasn’t left.”

Foggy nodded, thoughtful. “Okay. Well, maybe she just needs some time, y’know? Maybe find a way to make it clear to her that you’re here when she wants to come back. Doesn’t mean you’re not owed an apology for what she said, but maybe she didn’t mean it. I mean, I don’t think you meant some of the things you’ve said to me in the past.” A beat passed and Foggy continued, “I hope you didn’t mean some of the things you’ve said to me in the past.”

“No, Foggy,” Matt agreed. “I didn’t mean them.”

“Okay, well, give her a chance to apologize and just be there for her when she wants to come back. There isn’t much else you can do. Trying to tell her what to do probably won’t get you very far. I know that never worked on you,” Foggy said.

Matt took a deep breath. He knew Foggy was right. Neither he nor Y/N liked being told what to do very much. Every choice they’ve both made was ultimately their own. Y/N would have to find her own way there — but he’d be there when she needed it. Even if he was still angry with her.

Matt took out his phone and stood from his chair. “Could you give me a few minutes?”

“Sure man. Take as long as you need.”

Matt dialed Y/N’s number and stepped outside. She didn’t answer. He didn’t expect her to.

Instead, he left a message.

A month passed.

When all this started, after your first session with the Doc, you’d called Fury and explained that you thought you were okay to return back to work after your kidnapping, but you needed more time to recover from it — not physically, but mentally. Although the source of the trauma was a lie, the reason for needing more time off wasn’t. Fury understood and gave you the time that you’d needed.

Steve had called not long after. Not only did you take time off from work, but you started staying in your own apartment rather than Avengers Tower. You couldn’t bear to see Bucky, not now, not when you still felt like killing him might bring you some peace. Steve must have wondered where you’d gone. Where you were.

You didn’t answer him. You couldn’t bring yourself to. You weren’t in a place to answer the phone and pretend like you were fine. You knew Steve wouldn’t expect you to be, knew Fury probably told him and the others why you’d taken more time off. . . . But talking to him was still a type of pretending. And you just couldn’t. Especially not when thoughts of killing his best friend, brutally and without mercy, pervaded your thoughts.

You wondered if Steve called Matt at any time to ask about you. You wondered what Matt would say.

(He did. When Y/N didn’t answer Steve’s calls, Steve called Matt. He was just worried about her. She’d left so abruptly the other day when he asked her out, and then by the next day Fury was telling them that she was taking more time off work to recover from what had happened to her. And Steve had waited for her to come home so he could talk to her, but she never did. And then she didn’t answer his calls. He called Matt because he thought that maybe she was staying with him. And if she wasn’t, he’d know where she was.

Matt had told Steve that Y/N was staying at her old apartment. Steve didn’t even realize she’d kept her old apartment. Steve had asked for her address, but Matt refused to give it to him. Told him to give her some time.)

(In truth, Matt had panicked the minute Steve called him asking for Y/N. Because that had meant that she wasn’t going to work and this was before Matt knew that Y/N had remained in town. This was when he still worried about her running away. He thought that maybe she really had.

When Steve had asked him for Y/N’s address, Matt didn’t give it to him. If Y/N really was gone, then she wouldn’t be there when Steve showed up, and Steve would go to Matt again, and Matt wouldn’t have an explanation. If Y/N was there . . . Well, Matt figured that she wouldn’t want Steve bothering her. The fact that she wasn’t answering Steve’s calls should have told him as much.

Matt thought about going to Y/N’s apartment. He thought about it obsessively. But he didn’t. He told himself it was because he knew she didn’t want him there — and not because he didn’t want to confirm if she really was gone. If she really did run away.)

Matt had called you a few times after your fight, but you hadn’t answered any of them, and he stopped calling soon after. But a week later, he called again. You didn’t answer, but unlike the other times, he left a voicemail.

You refused to listen to it.

After a month, you had finally gotten through all the facts and events of your life with the Doc. And now came the analyzing, the dealing with and the dissecting of everything you’d been through. Sometimes you talked about what you wanted to talk about, focused on what you wanted to focus on. Other times the Doc took the wheel, driving you to things you’d maybe rather avoid. Unlike the story of your life, this part was not linear. It went where it needed to go. And sometimes where it needed to go was not where you wanted to go.

“Have you talked to Matt yet?” Doc asked you softly. As much as you’d hated her in the beginning, you had to admit that she had a gentle touch. It didn’t make you like some of the things she had to say any better, but her endless patience and kindness paired well with your stubbornness and aura of violence.

You avoided her eyes. “No.”

“Why not?”

“Because of what he said.”

“What did he say?”

You gritted your teeth. You knew she knew what he said, because she’d seen the memory. But you always had to explain these things with your own words. “That if I take my trauma away, I’m not me anymore.”

“That’s not what he said.” Doc’s voice was gentle but firm.

“That’s what he meant.”

“You don’t know that. Do you want to see what he said?” Doc asked.

You didn’t really. You didn’t want to see Matt again, didn’t want to have to re-live that memory again, but you did want to prove the Doc right, and so that need won out.

“Fine. Show me what he said.”

You took a moment to close your eyes, letting the Doc work her magic. You opened them when you could smell Matt’s apartment rather than the citrus smell of the Doc’s therapy room.

It was like the scene was frozen in a tableau and you were waiting for the Doc to press play. Yourself and Matt stood before you. You had tears running down your face, but your expression had morphed into something hard and determined. Matt was gripping your arm, his own expression. . .

The only word you could find to describe it was desperate.

“You can’t just erase what you want,” Matt said when the Doc let the memory play. “You have to learn to live with the memories, like we all do. If you erase a part of yourself you wouldn’t be you anymore.”

Hot shame ran through you, unlike the first time when all you had felt was rage. When Doc paused the memory, you said, “See?”

She looked at you. “See what? What am I seeing?”

“He said if I erased a part of myself, I wouldn’t be me anymore,” you repeated. “If I erased my trauma, I wouldn’t be me anymore. He’s saying that my trauma makes me who I am. Like I said before.”

“But he didn’t say that,” the Doc pointed out. “He said ‘a part of yourself’. He didn’t say ‘your trauma’. As a telepath, I know that there’s a truth to what he’s saying. Memories are weaved and interconnected with each other in delicate ways. It’s not so easy to pick and choose things to be cut out without affecting the whole web. But the idea that your trauma is what makes you who you are is not what bothers you about this. Because part of you already believes that, and has for a long time.”

You stayed quiet. You didn’t deny that’s how you felt.

The Doc took you out of the memory and out of Matt’s apartment and had you sitting in her therapy room again, on that soft couch with many pillows to hold and the calming smell of citrus surrounding you.

“In fact,” the Doc continued, “you believe that so much that you consider the person you used to be before the Red Room to be dead, don’t you?”

She is, you thought. In all the ways that matter, she is. She’s trapped in that Red Room, in that red room, and she won’t ever leave.

The Doc sighed gently through her nose. “Here’s the thing. Trauma does make up parts of who we are. That’s the hard truth. It can change us and shape us. For reasons that I won’t get into . . . something traumatic in my life pushed me to be a pacifist. Would I be a pacifist if that trauma wasn’t there? I don’t know. But being a pacifist is a large part of my identity, now. A large part of what I believe in. But that doesn’t mean my trauma makes me who I am. It has shaped me, for better or for worse — and mostly for worse, don’t ever let someone tell you that trauma is ever a good thing. I think it’s . . . how we choose to respond to that trauma that makes us who we are. Not the trauma itself. Do you choose to do better? Or do you choose to be worse? That’s all. And it’s important to understand that everyone changes over their lifetime, even without trauma. That’s just a part of living. But you have some choice in how things change you. Heroes and villains often have similar backstories, have you ever noticed that? Death, loss, trauma. But they walk very different paths. They start in the same place, but they choose their own path.”

“I’m not a hero,” you mumbled.

“How would you define a hero?”

You thought for a moment. You thought about Steve. “Someone good. Someone with unshakeable morals. Someone who helps people.”

“You help people,” she pointed out. “You don’t think that makes you good? And ‘unshakeable morals’ is a high standard that would be difficult for anyone to uphold. Even Captain America.”

“He seems pretty perfect to me.”

“His best friend was brainwashed by Hydra into being a weapon used to murder,” the Doc said, and your hands gripped onto the bottom of the couch at the mention of Bucky. “You don’t like that the Avengers trust him to be in their group. How do you reconcile that with Steve’s ‘unshakeable morals’?”

You didn’t know how to answer that because you really couldn’t reconcile those things in your head. Steve was Steve. Steve was kind and good and a hero. Bucky was the Winter Soldier, a monster that had beaten you and was a walking reminder of the Red Room and all the trauma you found there. You couldn’t make these things fit together in your mind.

“Does Matt have ‘unshakeable morals’?” the Doc asked.

Your teeth gritted together at the mention of him. “Matt doesn’t kill.”

“You don’t kill,” the Doc pointed out.

“I used to kill,” you reminded her.

“But you don’t anymore.”

You continued to stare at the floor, not looking at her. After a moment, the Doc continued,

“We can pick this back up another time, because this wasn’t my point. I said you’re not upset about the idea that your trauma makes you who you are. You’re upset because you believe that that’s what Matt thinks.”

You shut your eyes.

“You don’t care what you think about yourself,” the Doc went on. “And you don’t care about what other people think of you. In fact, you never really have, not even before the Red Room. But Matt’s opinion of you matters. Do you want to expand on that?”

No, you didn’t, but you knew the Doc wasn’t really asking. You get out of this what you put in, she had told you in the beginning. You could refuse to talk about things all you want, but then you wouldn’t be getting any better.

You opened your eyes. You kept them on the floor, on the plush carpet with its swirls of colour. “What Matt thinks of me makes it real,” you admitted. “I can think whatever about myself, and maybe it’s not true, because I’m too close to understand, or something. And people think what they want to think about me. I’ve been a lot of things. I’ve pretended to be a lot of things. I’ve been bitchy. I’ve been an asshole. I’ve been a monster. I’ve liked it that way. It never mattered what anyone thought because they don’t know me.” You paused. “Matt knows me. I think he’s the only person who does. He’s the only person I’m close with. The only person I trust. Even when I didn’t know it was him, when he was the only person to hold out his hand, when he was the only person who said that my soul was worth saving, I believed him. I believed in that. And when he called me a monster, that became real, too. And it hurt. It hurt that there was someone close enough to me who could rip me apart from the inside. I didn’t like it. But I couldn’t stop myself from feeling that way. When Matt said he wanted me to stay in New York, I stayed. When he told me that when I first came back into his life, when he didn’t believe it was me because he thought he didn’t deserve to have me back, I felt worth something. I felt worth something to him. When for a long time I didn’t think he’d want me, after the Red Room.”

You paused.

“If he looks at me and sees my trauma, it makes it real,” you said, quieter than before. “It’s one thing for me to believe that. But I couldn’t bear it if he saw all of that. Saw all the blood I took in service of the Red Room. Saw the monster they turned me into. Worst of all, even though I haven’t told him, if he saw, if he saw—” You felt bile rise to your throat as you recalled the memories. The memories of the red room. “—saw that I am damaged. In a way that can’t be undone. See the— the—” Hands. The hands. “—Like I’ve been marked—”

You felt like you were going to throw up, and it wasn’t the first time you did so in the Doc’s room, so you reached for the bowl on the table before the panic and trauma could leave your throat—

“But he wouldn’t see those things. He’s blind.”

You froze, your eyes narrowing. You brought your hand back and stared at the Doc, at the slight amused tilt to her lips. A flash of anger ran through you. How could she joke at a time like this? “You’re not funny.”

“I’m a little funny.”

And then you realized what she did. She distracted you. Threw you off so you’d leave the memory you’d latched on to.

You took a breath. Tried to do what the Doc had suggested, to acknowledge the thought, the memory, and then let it pass over you. Like you were a heavy rock in a river. Letting water wash over you without being washed away.

“The truth is, you don’t know what Matt thinks and you don’t know what he meant when he said that,” the Doc said. “I could tell you what I think he meant but there’s no guarantee that I’m right, either. You can only know if you talk to him about it.”

But you still weren’t ready to face Matt again. What the Doc was saying about everything was rational and yet you couldn’t get yourself to believe it. You re-lived that argument again and again in your mind, and each time Matt’s words felt like a burning sear. It felt like he was so against you finding a way to rid yourself of your trauma, and you couldn’t get yourself to believe anything else. You couldn’t bear to be around him again. Not yet.

At the end of your session, the Doc asked if you were okay to start having appointments once a week rather than once a day, and you agreed. It was time to start transitioning back into the real world.

Well. Real-adjacent for you, that is.

You worked on steadying your breathing as you rode the elevator up Avengers Tower. Worked on preparing yourself for acknowledging thoughts of killing Bucky and letting them pass over you, should you see him again.

When the elevator door opened and you walked further onto the floor, you noticed Steve reading on the couch. No one else was there, from what you could tell.

You cleared your throat and prayed your voice would come out steady. “Hey.”

Steve looked up and his eyes widened slightly. “Hey.” He closed his book and stood, coming over to stand in front of you.

“I’m sorry I . . . didn’t answer any of your calls,” you said slowly.

Steve shook his head. “You don’t have to apologize,” he said. “But you know you could have told me if you were still having a hard time.” He didn’t say it like ‘You should have told me’, but rather like he wouldn’t have been offended if you told him you needed space. “I would have understood.”

A part of you felt guilty for not answering his calls, but you didn’t trust yourself to answer them then. “I thought I was okay to come back to work. But I got back here and realized I wasn’t. It had nothing to do with you,” you added hastily. “I know I left kind of abruptly during our last conversation.”

Steve rubbed the back of his neck, and a bit of pink tinged his cheeks. “It’s okay, don’t worry about it.”

“I do want to go out with you.”

Steve’s eyebrows raised.

“That’s what you were asking me, wasn’t it?” you continued.

“Well, I— Yes,” he settled on.

“Okay,” you nodded. “How about dinner Friday night? You pick the place.”

“Yeah. Okay.” He smiled and it was wide.

“Oh, and just for future reference,” you added, “I’m really not a fan of the ballet.”

You’d chosen something much more modest than the dress attire you usually preferred. It was an off the shoulder, ruffley dress that went down to your ankles, in a pattern of pinks and creams that resembled flowers. Gentle. Feminine in a soft way. Everything to represent your good girl persona that you portrayed for the Avengers.

You met Steve in the hallway and had to admit, he looked good in a suit. He complimented you and told you you looked pretty, and offered you his arm before getting into the elevator.

The two of you chatted in the car on the way to the restaurant. When you got there and let Steve help you out, you realized how fancy the restaurant was, and you were impressed. Steve clearly put some thought into this date.

He led you inside to the table he had reserved and pulled out your chair so you could sit down. Once sitting himself, Steve reached for the wine list and began looking it over.

Panic sparked in your chest.

If he asked you what kind of wine you wanted, would you say yes? Would you tell him your favourite? Would you drink a glass, two glasses, three glasses, and relish the way it numbed your mind and took you far away from the memories that constantly plagued you?

It would be so easy. It would be so easy to just let him order and drink it like everything was normal. So easy to return yourself to old habits. It would make everything so much easier.

But.

What would Matt think?

You took a sip of the water the waiter had already poured for you and tried not to bite your teeth down around the edge of the glass. You didn’t want to see him and hadn’t seen him for five weeks and yet you still could not escape the truth you’d admitted to the Doc: that what Matt thought of you mattered, it mattered so much.

It’s why you went to the extreme of erasing your memories. Returning to drugs and alcohol would be an easier solution, and one not so permanent and changing. But you knew Matt wouldn’t approve of that. That was it. So you tried to find another solution. But he didn’t approve of that one, either. And so you found yourself unable to seek another telepath who’d probably erase your memories if you paid the right price. No, you went back to the one telepath you knew would still say no.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Every second you continued to let Steve look at that wine list was an internal war with yourself.

God it would be so easy. It would be so easy.

FUCK.

“What kind of wine do you like?” Steve asked, oblivious to your inner turmoil. “Red or white? Or rosé?”

Moment of truth. Which one was your favourite? Red was bold and sexy. White was safe and sweet. Rosé was a unique blend of the two, maybe that one was the best to signal to him that you were a good girl but also fun and adventurous—

“Actually, I have a bit of a headache. Do you mind if I just have water?”

You wondered if that was just about the hardest thing you’ve ever made yourself say. It felt like it, in that moment.

“Of course, I don’t mind,” Steve said. When the waiter came and Steve looked at him to hand him back the wine list, you blew out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding. “I think we’re just going to stick with water, thanks.”

When the waiter left, you said, “You can have a drink if you want to, don’t let me stop you.”

Steve gave you a smile and shrugged. “To be honest, I wasn’t even sure what I was going to order. I’m not really a wine guy.”

This made you smile. It was a thoughtful gesture.

Slowly, you unclenched your hands in your lap and hoped you hadn’t been digging your nails into your flesh hard enough to draw blood.

“So,” Steve began, and took a sip of his water, “how’s Matt?”

Acknowledge the thought. Let it pass over you. Acknowledge the thought. Let it pass over you. Acknowledge the thought, let it pass over you—

“Fine,” you answered, thankfully even. “He’s a busy defence lawyer so I haven’t seen him much lately. But that’s okay. He’s doing important stuff, you know. How’s the team been since I’ve been gone? Any interesting missions?”

Steve took the bait to switch topics and you were grateful. The two of you chatted for a while waiting for your meals and you felt . . . good. Things were going good. You weren’t drinking. You were sober and things were okay. You were getting through this.

Your phone rang in your clutch and you gave Steve a sheepish look. “Sorry,” you said as you reached in to turn your phone off.

A strange feeling spiked in you when you saw the name caller ID was Foggy Nelson.

Foggy never called you. The two of you weren’t really close, you only hung out with each other when Matt was there.

Why was he calling you? Maybe . . . maybe it wasn’t strange, maybe he really was just calling to hang out, maybe Karen mentioned to him that the three of you could hang out without Matt, maybe—

Steve must have seen the hesitation on your face, because he said, “You can answer it if you need to.”

You looked up at him. “I just— It’s Matt’s friend, and he usually doesn’t call me, so I’m just. . . .”

“Answer it,” Steve said, giving you a smile to show he wasn’t mad. “I don’t mind.”

You gave him a tight smile in return. “Sorry. It’ll just be a sec.” You picked up the phone and held it to your ear, fighting back a hiss as you said, “Hey this really isn’t a good—”

“Matt’s not breathing.”

Something shattered in you.

You couldn’t think. You were sure all the blood had left your body.

Not breathing

Matt’s not breathing

“What?!”

Foggy’s voice was urgent and he spoke quickly. “I found Matt unconscious in his apartment and he’s gasping like he can’t breathe— Claire won’t be able to get here in time and I know you can get here right away— Please hurry, Y/N, I don’t know how much longer he has—”

“I’ll be there.” You hung up and felt like your head was spinning. You stood and Steve stood with you.

“Everything ok—”

“Matt’s hurt,” were the words that came out of your mouth. “I have to go. I have to— God, I’m sorry, Steve, but I have to leave.”

“It’s okay, go,” Steve said, nodding. “Do you need me to call the driver—?”

“No, no,” you said. Panic thrummed fast and painful in your chest. “It’s okay. I’m sorry.” That was the last thing you gave him before you turned and ran out of the restaurant.

In the moments between getting outside and teleporting in a discreet place, your mind was racing.

God, why the fuck did you stay away for so long? What was the reason? It seemed to matter so little now.

If Matt died— God, fuck, if Matt died— How could that be the last conversation you had with him? When you said those awful things? Fuck, when you told him he wasn’t worth anything— Is that what you said? You might as well have said that. Did you just give up the last five weeks you might have spent with him? For what? For what?

Oh, God, oh, God—

You teleported into Matt’s apartment, and there he was lying, bruised and bloody and unconscious, his body hidden behind the blurs of your tears—

“What do we do?” came Foggy’s panicked voice. “Do something!”

You snapped into action, leaning down and putting your hands on Matt. You listened to the way he was gasping.

“Help me,” you ordered, and Foggy helped you peel the top part of Matt’s suit down to bare his torso. You felt his body and pressed your ear to his chest.

“He has a collapsed lung, I have to poke a hole in his chest so the trapped air can escape,” you said, and you wondered if saying it out loud was more for you or for Foggy.

You pulled your dress high over your leg and gathered the skirt around your waist, not worried about scandalizing Foggy as you reached for the knife strapped to the inside of your thigh. You grabbed it and all the memories of the textbooks you read and informational videos you watched came back to you, clearer than it ever had before. Your hand might as well have been the hand of the surgeon you watched on the pneumothorax video as you counted his ribs, braced your hand on his torso, then cut a small hole in the right place between his ribs.

The gasping sound ceased as Matt inhaled deeply and exhaled successfully. Inhaled. Exhaled. Inhaled. Exhaled. Began breathing normally.

“Oh thank God,” Foggy breathed in a whoosh.

You stared, frozen, knife still raised.

“Y/N?”

He almost died. He had almost been dead. He almost died and the last thing you said to him was calling him worthless.

You dropped your knife and it clattered to the ground as you hurried to your feet and to the kitchen sink and you vomited.

You took a moment to rinse out the sink when you were done, then wiped your mouth and turned around, sliding down the side of the cabinets.

Then you sobbed.

It was parts relief and parts guilt and you couldn’t stop yourself from crying in loud, messy gasps, tears pouring from your eyes in an unending stream.

Face buried in your hands, you didn’t notice Foggy coming over until he sat next to you. There was a moment of hesitation, then you felt his arms wrap around you and your head rested on his shoulder.

“C’mon, it’s okay,” came Foggy’s voice. “Matt’s okay. He’s breathing. He’s done this a bunch of times, he’ll be fine. I think he even said he dealt with a collapsed lung, once. He’s alright.” Foggy’s hand stroked your arm.

After a moment, your sobs subsided. Foggy said, “C’mon, we should move him onto the couch.”

Pulling yourself together, you helped Foggy move Matt onto the couch, take off his Daredevil suit, and put him in comfortable clothes. It worried you that he stayed unconscious through all of that, but Foggy didn’t seem worried, so you held onto that.

When you were done, the two of you sat in the chairs across from the couch in the living room.

You stared at Matt’s sleeping form, exhausted from the adrenaline leaving you and all the crying you did.

Foggy’s voice broke the silence after a few moments, like he needed to fill it with something else. “So, uh. You look nice. Where were you?”

“Uh.” Your head was still spinning; you were still frazzled and worried about Matt. “I was on a date.”

Foggy was very surprised by her answer, and so he couldn’t stop the word from leaving his mouth, “What?” From everything he’d seen between Matt and Y/N, it was clear to him that the two of them were stupidly in love with each other even if they both didn’t realize that yet. So the fact that she was on a date, with someone who was not Matt— “Why?”

You were still having a hard time processing things right now. You stared at Foggy, your mouth slightly parted. What did he mean ‘why’? Did you need a good reason to go on a date with someone? “. . .I don’t know how to answer that.”

“With who?” Foggy followed up.

“Um. Steve Rogers.”

“Captain America? Damn.”

You continued to stare at him, confused at why he was reacting this way. “. . .Are you in love with me? Because this is a wildly inappropriate time to confess. Your best friend is unconscious.”

Foggy’s eyes narrowed as she came to the wrong conclusion. “No, I’m not in lo— I have a girlfriend! You know that I have a girlfriend!”

She simply continued to look at him, and then looked back at Matt, as if this conversation exhausted her too much. Foggy decided he could save any follow-up questions for another time.

After another little bit, you told Foggy he should go home and rest; you would watch over Matt. It took him some convincing, but he finally conceded. He told you to call him if you needed him, even if it was the midnight of the night, and he left.

You continued to watch Matt. To listen to his breathing, mostly steady if somewhat strained.

You don’t know why you remembered it in that moment. The unopened voicemail sitting in your phone’s inbox. Matt’s voicemail that he sent you a month ago.

You took out your phone and found it, pressing play and holding your phone to your ear.

“Hey.”

It had been a while since you heard his voice. The idea that you might never have heard his voice again cracked something in you.

There was a pause, as if he was figuring out what to say. “I know we aren’t talking right now. I know you don’t want to talk to me. I know we both . . . said some things. But I wanted you to know that . . . I know that the bad things you’ve been through doesn’t make you who you are. That isn’t what I meant. I was just . . . worried. I just want you to be okay. And I want you to know that . . . I’m here. When you want to talk. If you want to talk to me again.” He took a breath. “I care about you. A lot. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

When your voicemail box signalled the end of the message, you put the phone down and cried. And cried.

The first thing Matt noticed when he woke up was that his whole body hurt. But that wasn’t really unusual for him, especially considering the fight he got into that he barely had the strength to drag himself back to his apartment after.

The second thing he noticed was that he was lying on the couch. He tried to remember if he had passed out here or on the floor.

The third thing he noticed was the soft clothes on his body, not his Daredevil suit, so someone must have changed him out of it. Foggy, maybe, or Karen—

And the fourth and final thing Matt noticed, was Y/N.

He recognized her smell, the shape of her body, the sound of her breath. She had moved one of the living room chairs closer to the couch and was now curled up in what must have been an uncomfortable position, sleeping. Her eyes were screwed shut tight, her expression pinched, and her whole body tense.

What was she doing here? Was she okay? So many questions ran through his mind, but the loudest words in his head were,

She’s here. She’s here.

Y/N shifted, and by the small intake of breath Matt could tell that she was awake now. Matt could tell Y/N was staring at him.

He didn’t dare breathe.

“Hi,” she finally whispered, barely more than a breath.

“Hi,” he whispered back.

“How are you feeling?”

Matt tensed. Her voice sounded wrecked. “You know. Hurts but I’m okay.” He wanted to know why she sounded like she had been crying. “What happened?”

And then her face broke and a sob left her mouth, and suddenly she was up and on the couch, wrapping herself around him, holding him so tight it hurt in his injured state but he didn’t worry about that, he just let her press her face into the crook of his neck and cry. She was shaking. He wrapped his arms around her back and braced her against him.

“Foggy called me,” she sobbed. “He said you weren’t breathing.”

Oh.

She was crying because of him. Because he got hurt.

Dimly in the back of your mind you thought you should be holding him more gently, you should be careful of his injuries, but the only thing you could think was that he was okay and he was not dead and you never wanted to let him go again.

“I’m sorry, Matt,” you sobbed. “I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean what I said. You mean everything to me.”

She wailed, and the sound broke his heart and tears sprung to his eyes and his face crumpled. He squeezed her to him and he didn’t care if it pressed on his chest and made it hard to breathe.

“I don’t know what I would do if you were dead,” she cried. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have stayed away for so long. I’m sorry the last thing I said to you was so fucking awful. I was in pain and I didn’t understand what I was saying but that’s not an excuse. If you had died and that was the last thing I said I would’ve never forgiven myself.”

Matt had never been sure. What he meant to her. Since he got her back after she’d been missing for twenty years, it was difficult to say where things stood between them. Besides her withdrawal delirium that prompted the You were the only person I ever really loved, she never said these things out loud.

But maybe he was looking for words when he should have been looking for actions. The way she risked her life to save his. The way she stayed to help him when he was in the darkest place of his life, when he said so many terrible things to her and tried to push her away like he did with everyone else. The way she stayed in New York because he asked her to. The way she got sober because he asked her to.

The way she kept all her horrible, traumatic memories. Because he asked her to.

And he had kept asking himself why when the reason was so very clear. She cared. She cared about him. He was worth something to her. He meant something to her. And she was a broken, sobbing mess at the idea that he could have died.

I don’t know what I would do if you were dead. There was a time where you wanted to say those words out loud but you couldn’t. When you couldn’t let Matt see your heart that way. When you still lived behind walls and you weren’t ready to take them down.

Now you said the words freely, let them pour from your mouth, let the bricks lay scattered at your feet, let your heart be bare and raw. Because you had to say the words. He had to know.

“A lot happened when I was unconscious, huh?” came Matt’s voice, and it brought a foreign sort of relief and amusement to your chest and you couldn’t stop the small laugh that left your mouth.

But it ceased when the guilt returned. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I said. I didn’t want to hurt you like that.”

“I accept your apology,” Matt said. “I know you didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean a lot of things I said when I was struggling, too.”

Some weight left your shoulders and your sobbing began to subside, and you breathed in Matt’s smell and felt grateful that he was alive. He stroked your back and you felt comforted by the motion.

And then you pulled back so you could look at him. There were tears running down his face as well and you let yourself wipe some of them away with your hand. Tried not to let yourself overthink the gesture. “I know I’m not . . . good at saying what I feel. I think it’s because I haven’t felt anything for a really long time. Even before the alcohol and the drugs. I didn’t have the luxury of feeling. If I let myself feel I’d fall apart. So I did everything I could not to feel. And when I got the chance, I kept myself numb. I don’t even know if I was good at talking about my feelings when I was a kid. I don’t think I was. I think I’ve been running from myself longer than I even remember.”

A memory graced you briefly. Of being fifteen and realizing something you felt. Something you were afraid of saying out loud. Something you were afraid to tell Matt.

“But I’m going to . . . try,” you continued. “To say what I feel. Not when I’m in withdrawal and sick with delirium and too weak to stop myself. Not when I’m angry or upset and things come out wrong. Something I choose to say.” You paused, collecting yourself. “You’re my family, Matt. You’re the only family I have. You know me. I think you’re the only person who does. If I lost you I’d be alone.”

You’d thought a lot about if anyone really knew and understood you and realized that of course it was Matt. Even though you’d changed so much and only recently come back into his life. He was the only person who knew you from before, the only person capable of seeing you past the monstrous mask you wore. But more than that. When he didn’t even know it was you, he was the only person to reach out his hand and ask you not to kill. To attempt to save your soul. There was still so much he didn’t know and so much you hadn’t told him, but he still knew you. He (metaphorically) looked at you and told you that even though you were different (even though he was different), there were still parts of you that were the same. He saw that. And you were physically incapable of lying to him. You didn’t believe anyone else would be capable of seeing more than what you wanted them to see. You the pretender. You could not hide yourself from him. He was the only person capable of knowing you in the ways you didn’t want. To be truly known. All of it. That made him your family and you didn’t know if anyone else could come close to that.

And that knowledge fucking terrified you but you didn’t know how to say that part out loud.

Family.

You’re my family.

How many times had he thought the same thing? When they were just two orphans in Saint Agnes, when all they had were each other. When she went missing, when they finally pronounced her dead and had her funeral, when he felt like he lost a part of himself, like when he lost his father. When she left a void he didn’t know how to fill anymore. When he considered Foggy his family but it never felt the same.

You know me. I think you’re the only person who does. It was the same for him. Besides Stick, for a long time Y/N was the only person who knew about his abilities. Foggy was his friend and he knew Matt in most of the ways that mattered, but he didn’t know about the Daredevil part of him for the longest time. And when he knew, he didn’t understand it. There was a time in Matt’s life when he thought Elektra was the only person who saw him for what he truly was — but that wasn’t right, either. She saw the violence in him but not the good. She couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t kill. Both Foggy and Elektra saw parts of him but not the whole.

Y/N saw all of it. When she returned to his life, she saw the Daredevil part of him and she understood and accepted it. More than that, though she killed like Elektra killed, she stopped when he asked. She understood the point behind it — maybe not the value of human life but the way killing harms your soul. And when Matt was close to breaking his rule, she pulled him back. She who had killed so many and didn’t see the value in human life. She saw it was important to him and tried to stop him from making a choice that he could not take back.

Elektra had once said to him, “You hide from yourself. You don’t let anyone in.” And it was true. And he’d tried to let Elektra in but there were parts of himself she refused to see. When Y/N came back into his life, he didn’t let her in; she tore her way in. She wouldn’t let him hide from her and she wouldn’t let him hide from himself. She kept reminding him of who he was when he was so broken and she found a way to keep him from losing himself. And though not killing Fisk had ultimately been his own choice, she had never left his side. Would have let him kill Fisk if that was his choice. And would have stayed to remind him of who he was had he done it. She never tried to tell him who he was, like Elektra or Foggy or Karen, who saw him in different and incomplete ways — Y/N just knew. And kept reminding him until he saw it for himself.

If I lost you I’d be alone. That’s what he was so fucking terrified of. And he needed her to know that.

Matt’s jaw worked but he nodded. Then he took a breath. “I was afraid of losing you. I lost you once before. I didn’t want to do that again.” At some point in the hugging and tangling yourself around Matt, his hand found your upper thigh, and he gripped it as he spoke. It was a comforting pressure on your body. He used his other hand to hold yours, and you held it tightly. “I was afraid you’d run away or do something reckless you hadn’t thought through . . . like erasing your memories.” He pressed his lips together, pausing to sharply inhale through his nose. “Maybe it’s selfish to be afraid that you’d lose memories of us when you just want your pain to be gone—”

You pressed your hand to his chest as you interrupted him, “No, you were right. It would hurt me, too, if you did something like that.”

In the hours after Matt did not die, you got some clarity on the whole situation. You tried to see it from his perspective. What you would do if he wanted to erase all his bad memories. If he told you he’d rather . . . rather be a blank slate than deal with the trauma. It would hurt you, if he made it seem like your memories together meant so little.

Your heart seemed to be beating really fast in your chest, a forgotten but not unfamiliar feeling whispering in the back of your mind, with your hand over his heart and his hand on your thigh and holding your hand, with the two of you so close—

The feeling disappeared as soon as it arrived, before you could label it, the moment you remembered that there were other things you wanted to say. You took your hand back and shifted your body so your feet were on the floor. You kept your hand wrapped around Matt’s.

“I need to . . . ask you—”

“I didn’t mean what you thought I meant,” Matt said, anticipating the direction of your question but not quite what you were about to ask. “I don’t think all you are is just the trauma you’ve experienced. I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry if it came off that way.”

“I know,” you said. “I listened to your message. I didn’t listen to it until tonight, but I heard it. I know that’s not what you meant. But I still . . . I have to ask you. . . .”

She swallowed, and she was trembling again. Matt held her hand tighter, held it with both of his hands, and he stroked the back of her hand and her wrist though she was turned away from him.

“I want to know . . . what you see when you look at me.” She said it like it was an effort to get the words out. “If you see . . . the blood . . . of all that I’ve done . . . for the Red Room. . . .” Her voice became a whisper. “The things you don’t know. . . . Can you still see . . . the ways I am. . .” She seemed to choke on the word, unable to get it out for a moment. “. . .ruined?”

The things you don’t know.

He always suspected that there were lots she had not told him yet. He wanted to ask, but he knew that this wasn’t the time for it. Knew that that wasn’t what she was asking of him.

She seemed very far away from him now, and he didn’t want her there, didn’t want her to live in memories, wanted her here with him, and so he said,

“Well, first of all, I don’t see those things because I’m blind.”

Laughter bubbled up sharply and unexpectedly and pulled you from the memory that had grabbed hold of you. “Fuck off,” you breathed through the laugh, and you leaned back onto the couch and let yourself look at Matt again. There was a small smile on his face, like he was glad he was successful in pulling you from that dark place. He still held your hand and your wrist with both of his hands.

“I don’t see those things,” he finally said in a serious voice. “I just see my oldest friend, trying hard to make things better for herself.”

Something heavy left you, and the relief attached brought tears to your eyes again. You nodded, not trusting yourself to speak.

“And what about me?” Matt asked. “Do you see . . . bloody knuckles and . . . someone who doesn’t know when to quit fighting?” His tone was light but you knew his question was not.

“I told you what I see,” you said. “You’re my family. That’s all.” You didn’t have the words to explain all that you saw of him. You were always a woman of action, not words. But you hoped that he would understand. That him being your family meant that he meant everything to you.

Matt nodded. Her admission meant something to him, but he still wasn’t sure if . . . he believed it about himself. If he was more than what he said.

But that didn’t matter right now. Y/N was here, and she was okay, for the most part, and that’s all that mattered.

“I started going to therapy,” she said, and his eyebrows raised.

“Really?”

She nodded. “The telepath that I went to . . . she’s a therapist. She uses her telepathy to help people. It’s why she refused to erase my memories.”

Matt absentmindedly stroked her wrist and hand. “Is it helping?”

She thought for a moment. “I think so. It’s not easy. It’s so fucking far from easy. Sometimes I think it’s just about the worst thing I’ve been through. But it is. Helping. Things feel better now than before.”

“That’s good.” He squeezed her hand. “I’m proud of you, Y/N.”

You smiled at him, and the feeling of lightness that rushed through you was almost overwhelming.

Fuck, what a concept it was to truly feel again. You were so used to numbing the pain and the grief and the trauma that you forgot you numbed yourself to joy, too. To all other good emotions. It had been a long, long time since you felt this way. You’d forgotten what it felt like. And the intensity of it brought tears to your eyes again but you didn’t mind.

You leaned forward and you hugged Matt again for a second, just needing it for a moment, just needing to remind yourself that he was here. With you.

And you were not in the Red Room.

(Not physically.)

When you pulled back this time, you noticed Matt grasping some of your skirt in his hand. His eyebrows knitted together.

“What are you wearing?”

“Oh, y’know,” you let yourself joke for the first time in a while, “I like dressing up when I go save my friend’s life.”

“Sure.”

“I had a date tonight,” you explained.

“With Steve?”

“Yes. Had to leave before dinner. You owe me a meal.”

Matt looked like he was considering this. “How nice was the restaurant?”

“Pretty nice.”

“You know I’m a defence lawyer that gets paid in muffin baskets, right?”

“Tough. I’m taking you for all you’re worth, Murdock.”

Your stomach growled in a moment of great comedic timing, and Matt chuckled.

“C’mon, let’s get you something to eat.”

You looked at the non-existent watch on your wrist. “It’s like, three AM.” That was a guess, but you couldn’t be that fair off, right?

“It’s the city that never sleeps, we’ll find something. Just give me a minute to change.” Matt stood.

And made a noise like it pained him.

You were up immediately, putting his arm around your shoulders and wrapping your arm around his waist to brace his weight against you. “Maybe we should just stay here.”

He breathed out in a sound that might have been a scoff. “You’re so motherly when you’re sober.”

You rolled your eyes and fought down an amused smile. “I will leave you here and take your wallet.”

“Stealing from a blind man, that’s not very nice.”

You breathed a laugh through your nose, then looked to his kitchen. “We could eat here.”

“I don’t really have much in my fridge.” Matt knew he should eat better, but between how busy he was being a lawyer and being Daredevil it didn’t give him a lot of time to make proper meals.

“Okay, we’ll go to my place, then.”

She gave him a moment, like giving him a chance to prepare himself,

and then he felt his surroundings change from his apartment to a different one.

She set him down at what he could tell was the table in her kitchen. She went to the fridge and started pulling out things while Matt took a moment to take in her place.

It smelled like her.

“So this is it, huh?” Matt said.

You looked up at him, leaving your thoughts of what you should make for the two of you for a moment. “Hm?”

“Your apartment.”

Your eyes narrowed as realization hit you. “Have you never been here before?”

“No.”

“Huh. I guess not.” There wasn’t any particular reason you had never brought him to your apartment. For the longest time, it just wasn’t home to you. It was just a place you slept. A place you kept your alcohol and drugs. Just a roof over your head and nothing more.

The Doc encouraged you to change that. Decorate. Make it a safe place. Make it a place that felt like a home. So you did. You painted the walls with colour and you bought things to fill the space. In the places between your visits with the Doc and your outings with Karen, when you had nothing to do but sit in your apartment, it did make it better somewhat. You bought pillows and blankets and little lights to hang up in your bay window and it became a place you liked to read whatever smutty romance book Karen had recommended.

You fought down a smirk at the explicit nature of the last book you’d read and began chopping some ingredients for omelettes.

“Wait, you’re making us something? You can cook?” Matt teased.

You snorted. “I am an adult.” You shredded some cheese. You paused before saying, “. . .My therapist told me it would help if I ate better. If I put effort into making things and figuring out what kinds of things I like.” Food never really mattered to you before, not like that. It was just something that kept you alive. In the Red Room, it didn’t matter what you ate so long as you ate something. And somewhere along the way, after you got out, you kind of forgot that enjoying food was something you could do. That it was more than just sustenance.

It was like your coffee. The way you took it black for so many years because you didn’t have access to milk or cream or sugar. Until you were reminded that you could have those things now.

Food didn’t seem to matter as much as keeping a good stock of alcohol and Oxycodone. Food was always secondary. What did food do more than keep you from starving to death? The alcohol and Oxy actually served a purpose — so it took priority.

But the Doc pointed out how food could be so much more than that. And how good it could feel to spend time on something, to make something, and be rewarded with something that was enjoyable to eat.

You got the chance to figure out what you liked, too. That never really seemed important before. But it felt like something significant, now.

“I mean I’m not a professional,” you continued. “But I can do more than boil eggs or make toast.” You gave him a smile.

Matt didn’t want to bring up anything heavy again, not when she was smiling and speaking lightly and making them food though tears were drying on her face. On his face. But there was something he needed to say and he felt like he needed to say it now.

“I didn’t know where we stood.”

He heard her food prepping cease and felt her attention on him.

He continued, “When you found me again. Even after Fisk. I didn’t know where we stood with each other. So many things had changed since Saint Agnes. You decided to stay but you . . . were distant. I didn’t know how you felt about our relationship. I didn’t know what you thought about who I was to you. We never talked about it. You never talked about it.”

She didn’t say anything. Just listened.

“But the more I think about it, the more I think I should have realized,” Matt said. “You went out of your way to save my life. You kept coming back, even when I think you didn’t want to. Even when I pushed you away and said awful things. Foggy and Karen had given up on me, but you never did. You didn’t consider leaving until you made sure I was okay. And when I asked you to stay, you stayed. You did things to show me what I meant to you. That our relationship still mattered to you, even after all this time. And I’m sorry I couldn’t see that for so long.”

You nodded slowly, taking this in. And you had something you wanted to say as well. You took a moment to stare at the bricks that were once the walls you kept up and you refused to build them again, though it felt difficult not to. “. . .Your opinion of me matters to me,” you said. “I think it’s the only one that does. Sometimes I don’t care what I even think about myself. But you. . . . It makes it real. What you think about me makes it what I am.”

His eyebrows were pulled together and his jaw worked and he opened his mouth but you beat him to it.

“Don’t apologize again,” you said, knowing what he was thinking, about the awful things he had called you that he didn’t mean. “You don’t have to apologize again. I just wanted you to know. That what you think matters to me.”

And Matt knew what he had to say next. “You’re my family, Y/N. Okay?”

She nodded, and he could tell there were tears in her eyes as she smiled. “Okay.”

You made omelettes and you both talked about things that didn’t matter and reminisced about your past and laughed and for the first time in the fifteen years you were gone and the twenty it was for Matt, just like when you were kids, you stayed up all night and talked until sunrise.

A/N: Fucking hell this was long and a bitch to edit. There were a lot of parts I went over a bunch of times wondering if I should change it or keep it the same. Some feedback would be really really nice for this one.

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