#hes an old fart still hes not perfect but im proud hes my dad | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

whimsically-ominously-auspice · 7 years ago

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What if.... What if there really is true love...?

It's my turn. (Don't steal my work. My writings or my thoughts. They are mine I own them although I choose to share them. This may be a work of fiction or a work of non-fiction. That's not for you to decide. It is what it is. And only that) I have a voice and a right to be heard. I found Matt at the pool nearly dead. I then went to sleep and my soul stayed with him at the hospital while he was treated. Then. I went to the hospital to see him. Then he went into witness protection Then I found him again If we're going to be able to link my words to truth then... He's proof. That I know what I'm talking about. If we can substance that I know about what happened to him before I met him and we didn't make it up Then why can't two victims be with each other? You want to argue your point. But I have been searching for him for years. There's a story. If you tell it correctly it works I remember standing on the chair but it was Nathaniel's chair Im sure Raul was there... I was looking at Elijah on the ground by the pool and I stood on the rung of the chair to see better. The sun was glaring and I thought I was wrong... Raul told us to wash up and I saw my brother running behind me to go to the bathroom to do so Raul went and touched my side, under my armpit, where a bra goes. He said "go wash---no no no not again!" "He's alive!!! We need help!!" I said turning my head to Raul "Go! Go!" He told me and he ran to the phone. I can still feel my feet burning as I ran outside across the concrete near the location where the bunny was dumped after it had been brutally raped and tortured I remembered the bunny with a rope burn around his neck. I stopped midsecond although it felt like forever until I could see Elijah's soul move towards me... In his body.. but it was like his body moved towards me, turning on his side but when I looked down, because I was staring at the grass, the same way I had stood not looking at the bunny wishing that the bunny would run into the nice cool plush grass and play, hoping that the only trouble was trying to catch him. I looked down and I knew Elijah was also done. I felt my chest, my heart hit me right in the middle with a double beat and instantly felt nauseous I went down to my knees. I felt like I just dropped. Like fell but I felt fine and found myself cross legged next to him. Raul was at the back door he was about to come towards me but yelled inside to keep the kids in. My brothers and my sister friend Jules. I was scared and so cold. I wanted to cry and sleep. I wanted to lay with Elijah as I did with the other dead bodies Jesse had killed. But I soon saw a shadow above us. I closed my left eye tight hoping it wasn't Jesse "What are we doing?" Asked Raul I sat up "oh I was just going to lay down for ---" a minute I was going to say although we all knew I would done it forever until Jesse rolled me into the pool to drown me. "He's not wet. He wasn't in the pool" "Yeah I know but is he dead?" "He looks like it but he's---" "No! I hear a groan, he's speaking! He's still alive! Get inside!!" " No! I want to help! Don't make me" "Don't make me she says like I know what she's talking about. You want to help? Take your shirt off! No! Wait! Where is the blood coming from?!?! Help me lift him up! As if I need help!" He lifted up Elijah's two year old body "look! No don't look! What am I doing? Sabrina! Get in the hou----" I had already looked and I looked into Raul's eyes, he was talking so fast and no way I could listened in chronological order, he had too many demands. He was looking around the yard to see who or what was around but when he went to direct me, he looked at me and saw I was watching him. "Okay so you didn't look" he looked towards the "bunny grass" I touched Raul's forearm, he had Elijah's limp body leaned against it. "He's not wearing a diaper" "What? so?" "Do you want my shirt to stop the bleeding?" "God no Sabrina, that's the last thing I need." He had leaned back and pulled Elijah into his arms, into his lap, against his chest. Trying to cradle him. To pick him up "like married woman over the threshold" "The police are already here" I saw them in Navy blue coming out the backdoor. I started to cry just as I am now... Except then it was relief and now it's from sadness. Old lady sadness. This was 32 years ago. Raul ran towards the police and ambulance attendants with Elijah in his arms. I was so surprised and relieved to see that Raul literally jumped to his feet with Elijah in his arms without any trouble. I felt okay, I could rest. I had a troublesome night with night terrors and had woke up sweaty more than once, I was exhausted. I saw Elijah's shirt was ripped up the back as Raul laid him on the stretcher. Everyone was so calm. The concrete that once burned me provided relief to my body as I laid on it, my eyes half open to prevent the sun's glare from giving me another headache like the ones I had been given all night. The concrete felt so good. Warm not scalding although I could still feel the scalding on my feet. "Sabrina! Get up!" Raul yelled after exchanging worried glances after I had been pointed at by a man in uniform "what's wrong with her?" "Not a goddam thing" "I'm just asking" Raul's wife was disabled so he knew alot about nurse stuff. He had taken community college classes to learn how to take care of her daily and in an emergency. So. He was arguing with the EMTs!!!!!!! But after seeing me laying, he ran towards me, although he just looked like he was walking like everything was normal, he was so fast. I would had to run. So I say he ran. He cradled me after I sat up. "You need to take care of Elijah" "No, I think I need to get out of their way. Sabrina what the hell are you talking about?!?!?! Who is Elijah?!?!" He had his arm around my ribcage, under my armpit and he shook me as he slid under me to pick me up "married man style" "God. I. Nothing." I figured that now was not the time that I saw him in my dreams in the forest being tortured by Jesse. I didn't know how to explain and I felt other things were more important. "Where is he?" "They're taking him in, and to the hospital. Come on let's go in. We gotta eat!" As we went in the back, we saw through the darker house, Elijah being pushed out the front door, engulfed in sunlight. Raul put me down just inside the back door, the cold tile soothing my scorched feet. I sat in Jules' mom's chair as it was the closest. No way could I stand. Sitting up was less difficult in the cold air conditioner of the house. I sat until the chair was claimed and crawled across the top of the table to my own chair. Raul was carrying food to the table and I slid right under the bowl. I had timed it just perfect and slung myself ass first right into the chair, my legs flying behind me "That was pretty good. But don't do it again" Raul's smile left me to believe that I could and he wouldn't get mad.... Although later I tried and he swatted me for it.... Having 4 kids didn't suit him so well under stress. Me and my brothers came to live with him after my mother did henieous things to us and other children. First it was just me. But then my dad told us that my brothers were being abused at their foster home. So got them removed AND got the ladies fired and banned from ever having foster children again. Raul was great as a one on one dad. But one on four and taking care of his disabled wife? He wasn't so fun. It made me sad. But I knew that having my brothers there was something to be proud of. So I always straightened myself up and behaved, for his sake. If I was good, his life was easier and he was happier and things were better. I had to give him respect, because he deserved it. Sure he demanded it at times but that was usually when I was trying to make him laugh and I soon learned that he didn't laugh twice in a row at the same thing. He needed more adventure in life. Life was mundane, if he thought about it. Slaving for his family. But when he thought about it, he would smile. He would cry. Tears in the corners of his eyes. Happy. Proud. Scared. He grew up without a family. And here he was, working with my father to raise one. My father came every time he got off the ship, when they docked from scouting the river for danger and other things, often times I would find him sleeping with my older brother in the living room floor. He was the most messed up. And Jules' Gramma, our Gramma said that best way to cure us was with love. So for Raul life was so much more than taking care of a bunch of kids. It was him healing from his own childhood, providing everything he ever wanted to have or give to kids that really didn't belong to him, but did, because my dad said so. My dad would go in his uniform and Raul loved it when my dad would give "orders" to him while my dad wore his uniform. He would always make sure he was told each and every thing while my dad was in uniform. We had to go behind Raul's back and inform my dad that Raul specifically listened to each directive when my dad wore the uniform and would forget things he was told "randomly" I saw my dad one day go on a Sunday and put on his uniform so he could tell Raul what to do to fix his garage up. My dad said he would say it was cause he already had grease on it and didn't want to ruin his clothes. But Raul being the wife he was said "I didn't wash it right?" So Raul was then informed of our behind the back manuvers. Oh he tried to look mad at us but was so happy that we actually paid attention to him and tried to make him happier and life easier for him. The first time he met my dad he practically got on the ground and kissed his military boots. My dad said I wasn't allowed to be seated so if Raul did it absentmindedly, he literally had to kiss my ass The first time which was when I had double slid into the chair, he had me stand in it and I farted in his face. I totally didn't know what was gonna happen and I always had tummy issues and the event made the gas move. Oh well. Everyone laughed, including me, eventually. But those were different days.. from now... Raul now murdered by the same person that hurt Elijah.... Raul tried to put up a cheery front avoiding what had happened minutes before we sat to the table to eat. But ever curious and adorable Jules asked what had happened to the little boy. Raul began to cry as he tried to explain. The words came out, so anguished he was. He had began to speak... "The boy---" but was cut off by soft tears seeping into his eyes. My eyes did the same but I yellow cheesy eggs began to breathe very rapidly as Raul choked out the words "raped" and "slices across his back" the worst words possible came from deep in his chest. He only looked down at the Yellow cheesy eggs on a white Circle plate, his bacon looked lonely, shoved far from the eggs, more space than food on his plate. It wasn't like he was talking.. more like coughing. He was emotionally out of control. Scars from his past breaking open at our breakfast table. His heart torn apart from what happened to a small two year old boy, knowing the deep torture that had happened to him. The torture that happened to us. The torture which would not stop no matter how we tried to fight the bad, our good was not strong enough. I knew the feeling. That out of control tears. Tears I couldn't let fall. In my mind while he choked on emotions so hard he looked like he needed the Heimlich maneuver, I stood in the sunshine outside where two lives were left to be lost so we could watch and feel responsible for some crime we would never commit. I stood there hoping it was a dream, my feet began to burn again with pain as I tried to fight the truth I began to pass out. I caught myself on my younger brother's high chair. Nearly dead I fought for survival. I sprung to, looking up in the quiet of the room, Jules' and our mom stopped asking Raul if he was okay over and over and stared in horror at me, her mouth dropped open. My older brother ate with his fork. And Jules looked on at me. Raul looked over his plate, his chest heaving. His face so close to his plate, between him and it was only darkness. He looked like my father, had been given the honorary chair at the head of the table talking about the bruises left on the neck and shoulder of my younger brother. "Yep, I guess he is. You look like my dad" I said as I stood on the rungs on the chair I sat in and grabbed a white often well used plastic serving bowl from the middle of the table "here you didn't get potatoes" "I mixed them together" "No you didn't" said Jules' and our mom. "Oh these are just eggs, here you need some more, you don't have enough food on your plate" I repeated the words Raul often told me as he put more food in my plate, causing my tiny starved belly to become bloated and sick. I handed him the bowl so that I wouldn't do the same to him as he could fill his plate properly. He absentmindedly put food on his plate then "oh I remember, I put the potatoes in the oven while the little boy..... Oh jeez. I'll be... I'll be right back. Man I'm sorry" He looked so defeated that maybe he would go hang himself in the garage "Where are you going?" Mama tried to down play her fear "Oh nothing I just forgot the potatoes" he came back with the egg bowl with the eggs pushed to one side and the potatoes at a much higher half. "Sorry y'all" he mocked the Alabama lingo and tried to be silly as he put blackened poatatoes and onions on our plates. When he got to me I put my hand up asked him to get his first and I took the tiny spoonful left over. "You know this shit ain't gonna grow me tits or anything, I can't eat alo----" I looked up at the table because it was dead still "Sabrina shut up!!!!" said our slightly overweight Jules whom had recently became sensitive about her size. I slumped and pouted in my chair "that's not what I meant. It was something Jesse said that was different than what you think I mean I said" "Jerk" she went to eat with her fork but looked at Raul "can I eat or is this going to make me fat?" "Jules" her mom said tiredly and as stern as she could muster which wsnt much at all. The way she said it reminded me of why they named her that.... "You might as well be jewelry" "Sabrina shut up" "Now you're picking on her" Raul looked more angry than necessary. Which made me sit straight in my chair, ready to fly in front of Jules to protect her. I knew there was no reason to so I waited "Sabrina and I just found a dead boy in our yard and she's trying to make you happy. Least you could do is smile" "I don't wanna!!!" "Hey. It's okay!!! I woke her up last night because I had nightmares and she played dollhouse with me until she feel asleep in the carpet when it was my turn" "Did you help her up again into the bed like I told you to?" He asked looking at his biscuit while he pulled it apart with his elbows in the table Making the biscuit eye level. "Yes I did even though you told me to do it when you wasn't in uniform" ..... So then he went around, borrowing my dad's uniform. But he felt it was inappropriate to pretend to be in uniform.. to pretend to be a military man... Exactly.. so he wore my dad's button up shirt over his white wife beater, open. Then we would look at him telling us to do something and he would close the shirt and say "see? I'm wearing it" He told my dad about it when my dad came home and my dad laughed and laughed for ages. So Raul had him help him on his car and my dad came in my bedroom when it was Naptime and switched on the light, marched all mad to the closet bitching "he acts like I ain't a dam boat mechanic" all butt hurt in his heart. I got a little scared in my heart because my dad was upset and we were in the "safe place" No reason to get upset. So my dad marched out, then swept back in and turned off the lights then lightly closed the door. I laid there during the Naptime he just invaded, my heart bumping in fear and worry. Everyone listened at Naptime. We liked it. We were chaos. Total chaos. when it was just me and Julie we didn't need Naptime so much. And we would sneak into each other's rooms and play. Usually she would get me and I would follow her even if I wasn't sleepy. But her dad found out after my brothers came because she got way bitchy if she didn't nap so I had to have her go in 3 times while I pretended to sleep before I could get up. So I was pretending to sleep when my dad came in. I tried to relax and only think about his face as he closed the door. Calm and kind. I finally relaxed enough to close my giant once terrified eyes when my door opened again and my dad came in laughing like crazy. I was practically crying because I didn't know what was going on and my dad was upset and it had to be at Raul or Julie's mom because I heard no yelling at the kids or anything. Raul didn't yell alot but he would be all "HEY!!" sometimes even during Naptime but Julie usually would bitch about it if he did... He would apologize but usually would end up doing it again until Julie eventually made his heart break on one very tired rainy day. I didn't want my dad to be upset at my foster parents. They were the nicest people in the world and my dad was really a good person, too, and it made me just sick to think they wouldn't get along. It, I believed, could get super bad for me and Julie. We already saw Raul take me from Denise. Then saw my brother's foster parents actually get away the privilege to have foster kids and my brothers taken from them and give to us. But if it wasn't for my dad, probably none of that would had happened. Because my dad wanted it to happen, probably even more than Raul. So I wondered "what's going to happen if they can't get along? Who would win?" Raul followed my dad around like a puppy. Raul had grown up in the system and had shitty homes he bounced from so my dad was the dad he always wanted. So my dad, although gone most the time, was the alpha male. And in the military and Raul mentioned more than once that my dad had more clout in the courts than even the judge himself. But it would break Julie's heart for it just to be her mom and dad and her again. She always talked about it. She loved it because it was quiet.. the only thing that was good would be that her Gramma would move back in. Except her Gramma literally lived only across the street. So Julie alwaaaays said that her Gramma moving back in wouldn't be good enough to make her happy if we all (mostly me) moved out. So I was deflated. Empty. Not knowing what to think when my dad all jolly laughing hysterically yet quietly came in the room. I jumped up to my ass, my feet in the metal part of the bed where the mattress went, and asked "what the hell happened?!??" "Who taught you to talk like that?" "You" I could tell my dad the truth and not get slapped around. He actually liked the truth even if it was not... How do you say.... Making him look pretty? Just bare, raw. That's how my dad liked shit. So he rubbed his grizzly stubble on my face and was all "everything is okay kid, just perfect and happy" said something about Raul not listening to him on the car and gave the whole system of the car they were working on. Apparently it was just an oil change but it was a headache because Raul wanted to do some fancy shit to his ride. He was a Latin King after all. Although out of the gang, a Latin King is still a Latin King and he still likes his ride show worthy. And successful. Not greedy but proud. And fancy. Although his favorite outfit was form fitting plain solid colors boxers and a wife beater. So then he told me to go back to sleep and he would tuck me in. I let him but argued that I hadn't been sleeping. And explained that I had to fake sleep so that Julie wouldn't try to skip nap in favor of the dollhouse and Barbies. Of course I usually had to be Skipper. One time I had been sitting up in the edge of my bed, my feet on the floor, my short 4 year old self leaning against the bed because I was too short to both sit on the bed and touch the floor, as Julie and I often talked about cause she was the same height. And I had to pretend to be asleep. She got all freaked out running to her parents screaming. And I just had to sit up and get out of the sheet and tell my dad about it. He laughed. Told me to get back in the bed and asked me when that had happened. "Last week" I answered after being tucked back in... Seeing as I literally just threw myself back into the bed and tossed the sheet in myself after I had very calmly and lady like climbed in as if I was an exhausted kid just moments before, it was less than a milisecond. He laughed, went to pull my curtains closed but I stopped him and said I lied them open He asked me why and I said "to check" he didn't need anymore information than that. He knew what I meant "Just make sure you close them at night." "You know why?" "Because people can see in" "No, why I like to check" He shook his eyes bright with happiness. "Well you know you're here. So who would I look for? Mom" He looked angry, instantly .I sat up and touched his knee with my palm, looked into his darkened eyes and said "but if she did, I would run screaming the other way. Some of the time, I just don't want nap" and snuggled back into bed. "Alright, come on" he grabbed me up by my left arm "come on, we got a bear hug and a piggy back ride!!" He carried me into the living room where we saw Raul "oh you're up! Let me get Julie!" "Nah it's okay, I just checked and that one is snoring" So I sat all happily squashed between my two dads quietly as they talked cars. My dad out his arm in the back of the couch and I could tell Raul liked snuggling with my dad as much as I did People talk about having gay parents.. I probably had the equalvilant. I'm okay with homosexuals, especially males, raising kids. Eventually my older brother, whom slept in the living room got up and sat with us. Raul tried to move us so that my dad was sitting between his two kids instead of Raul but my dad said no it was okay. But Raul explained it was probably better for him emotionally and so my dad said "oh why not" And Raul said "for real?" Raul's emotions we're so different when it came to my dad. With his disabled wife and us kids he was the boss, in charge. We fought him and argued him and gave him a difficult time all the time. But with my dad there was greater defeat, deeper surprise and horrible disappointment in himself when he thought himself wrong. Then my dad told him that Raul was right about the cars but that he knew different. Raul said "yeah I knew that. But let's switch" very soon my older brother was asleep, my dad's let his pillow. My dad's large hand resting in his back .it was coldest in the living room. So I knew my dad's hand was warm. And heating probably most of the kids body. When they moved there was more space between them so I was less as warm. So I got brother's blanket although Raul said I shouldn't... Later my brother got super bitchy about it... He's so fucking rude... Even now, 32 years later, he's still a self entitled jerk whom can't share... Well.. with me anyways. It's an awkward moment for him when he does... I don't really understand why he appears to be so awkward.... I try to be generous with thankfulness but usually he surprises me and I'm caught off guard. I think he likes a mumbled more shamed thankful anyways. Like an "oh well shit" thank you as oppose to an "omg thank you so much!" thank you. I guess the former, "oh well shit, surprise!" In a calm humbled tone is one that Raul often used... I don't think my brother remembers him much.. but even so, Raul has been ingrained into our soul. He left an impression upon us which, I do believe has left us empty. And we are always trying to understand what we don't know. Having nothing to cling to but memories and a mother whom would do anything to destroy them so we don't know who she really is so that we can never tell a soul what a miserable person she really is. I've never been the sort of loving sister or person that Julie was. She gave love and gave love like it was going out of style and had to give it all away. She didn't have that hard shell. The exoskeleton a person has to build up, living with evil. I have a very quiet love. And unfortunately for my brothers it's not often heard. Talking shit about our mother, that bonds us. That's about all, though. Well. That is our concrete floor. Without that; it's awkward quicksand. My mother is blind to how much we hold her responsible to our life. All negativity and issues with relationships we have as adults, we look at her. Because she's always trying to insert herself into our lives. Trying to control them. So we try to step back from each other so that we have a definite line between us and her. We're not fake with each other. But we do reserve our exoskeleton around each other because she likes to blame us for things that happened in our lives and we don't know what the other believes of what she's said. So yes. She's destroyed. And yes shes appeared to have won. But we easily combine forces against her... Which is why she tries to always keep us apart. She absolutely hates all three of us together. Especially me. The most vulnerable. The one most easily battered and betrayed by her. One by one, I count the ones that know the truth and have been hurt by her because they allow the past to stay in the past and give her another chance. One by one. *********** Elijah's name really isn't Elijah. We were allowed to see him at the hospital. He said "I sick" "I sick" kinda like Issac. But I liked the name Elijah better and since I found him, I got to name him. Eventually his father then his uncle came... We found out his name... You may know him... Born in 1982, he was just barely two years old when Jesse James kidnapped him and help him captive in the swamps by the house for three entire weeks then dumped his body to die by the pool. So we could feel responsibility and guilt. So he could say "I saw him laying out there the other day, thought y'all made him sit out there and dry by pool cause he did something bad." It was Christmas, nearly. Sure we swam sometimes. But Raul nor Julie's mom or my dad of all people would allow us to be outside and cold. We couldn't even let Gramma know we swam. She would blister us like crazy. The adults anyway, they wouldn't been able to sit for weeks!!!! But Jesse believed that someone would believe that Elijah was our kid and was punished so severely that he died. He wanted us to feel that guilt and shame. Wanted us to feel grief. But all the world is delighted, especially all the girls when they see that eye candy named Matt Hagan. Must I say... The FBI was telling me about this fight Jesse and Matt got into at work... Jesse... I was told like this "Jesse was just wearing sweat pants, all low on his hips, no shirt. With his sweat pants all low, his hips showing, you know how sexy he thinks that is" And I said "wait. Jesse? Like yesterday? Cause he's fat. Are you sure his pants weren't just stuck under his fat roll?" **********"** We kept "I sick" We were allowed to until his family was found. Three months. In that time, he went from "I sick" to "I Elijah" to "Me? I'm my baby" Julie knew my dad and she had met my mom. she had a mom and dad. She knew her parents had parents. So she always asked "whose baby is he?" Julie's mom would say "my baby" Well fuck I got pissed off. I found the kid. Climbed in his bed in the hospital. Checked on him every five minutes. Made him smile more than anyone. That mean old lady would be all "my baby" she stayed in bed because of her pain so she would be all "get him" when was into something... Usually standing two inches from the TV. He was a little one. He was. He was sneaky. So so so sneaky. He would peek out his corner of his eye to see who would get him. He would not move unless it was me. Julie would move him five times but keep doing it until she opened the door to get me. Then he would move and be still. He tied to find a way to be with me and outside that bedroom door. Because my little brother was there, only one the baby locks were on the door. So finally I taught little "my baby" how to open the door. My freedom was never more. He became my shadow. So I potty trained him. Raul helped. Little "my baby" was a perve!!! That's what Julie said. I didn't now anything. Only adults raped little kids that's what I thought. I was educated that kids don't have sex. At all. So in the middle of the night when "my baby" put my hand on his diapered dick, I thought he had to pee. Well times have changed.. I guess soon enough he will be in a dam diaper again... We're getting mighty old. So dam old. I'm like Julie's mom now... I'm in constant pain. I can't walk or do anything, like she was. But my baby. He ran the house. He told Raul what was up. One time we messed with the blinds. My dad aid to keep them closed at night. I didn't want my baby to know pain and suffering. Not pain he already felt. The white bandages that covered his whole back for three weeks. And the band-aids that covered his back for a month after. I didn't want him to know there was more than one person that would do that to him. So we kept them closed. Before my baby came, I always opened the blinds for the sunlight but after, we used the lights. The room was actually more brighter. So one day, my baby was curious and pulled the string. It pulled them up all crooked. We tried to fix them but couldn't. So we told Raul. But he told me, being the ever wore to my father and that we had to wait because my dad was coming home and he had to get the house ready. Which meant washing the beds and clothes and everything. Going to get groceries. Looking at the sale ads so he could feed my father the best but the most economical. Shrimp. Fillets. Steak. Salmon. It took him a week. And he was on edge running around like a meth addict. Julie's mom asked him one time if my dad was gonna get sex, too.... Well for obvious reasons. She didn't get any and was confused because usually she did but he was paying all his attention to my dad. Raul was flustered to death. So Matt went following Raul around bugging until Raul went to cook. Boy loves his food still to this day (man those adult diapers. Good thing he's rich in cash because ew) so he was all "okay I'm going to go play now but you fix--" "When I get the chance" "When you get the chance. I want it done, like right. If I could do it myself I would" "KID!!! Sabrina! Get that kid outta here! I'm gonna cook and I do want him to get burnt, he's up my shorts already!!! Dang!!!" the he looked at the stove "fuck what the hell am I doing in here?!?" "Not sex. And YOU know we need those blinds fixed!!" "SABRINA! DANG!!" "Okay I'm going! Come on baby Elijah" "I'm not Elijah, uh uh. I'm baby. I'm baby Matt. I know this. And my back" he spun around with his hands on his life handles, if he was a dog or cat he would been chasing his tail, but he was trying to look at his back so he could point good "my dad didn't do this. Nuh uh. That man in the woods, he done this. My name Matt." "Matt? What kind of name is that? You're baby Elijah, come on SHE said" told Julie. "I'm Math-ewyou. And in gonna bust her up" he stomped on my toe "know my name!!" "What the hell?!?! You can't do that!!" told Julie We were in the opening between the dining room and living room. In the dance floor space. Raul kind of liked us there but not past the bar height counter because that was the kitchen and he didn't kids under foot cause he went high paced fast and didn't pay attention to anything but his cooking, because, he says. That's what makes a good cook. Food first. He was very proud of his culinary skills "I eat, I kick you" little my baby with the big attitude tried to kick her but I grabbed him under his arms and swung him back so he would not. She fell all dramatic anyways like the girls being beat by their men on TV. "Julie, get up and go!" "What?" She liked up under her long blonde wavy silly hair "Go on, baby got a bad attitude!". He's said "I'm Matt" like 16 times already. He was out of control. Sometimes he hit us when we played Barbies because we tried to treat him like a baby and put him down for naps All day. We would give him a Barbie to play with on the bed. But he "want to be with us girls" he thought "playing barbies" was "just us being us girls" cause that is what Julie would tell him . He didn't realize he was a boy and he was being exiled. But this was crazy. He had mad face and was all pointing at himself... Which was putting a fist in his chest, mostly and saying "I'm Matt" "I'm Matty" "I'm math-yoooou" "Im not Elijah and I'm going to get you!" So Julie, being the Julie whom never learned that you should put blankets under the bed in case you had to hide for safety and you might get cold, jumped up, shaking her long blonde hair behind her and ran up and down the hall with her arms held high in the air, fist pumping "I'm alive! I'm alive!" As much as my baby was saying he was Matt. So I stepped into the boundaries of the kitchen while my baby was distracted by Julie. "Back" because when I say boundaries I mean straight up next to Raul, pressed against his side "He's doing it again" "What's that? Back" "Saying 'im Matt' well that he's Matt, that Matt kid" "He's still the same kid. What's the story behind all this?" I followed him at his heels "well not really. He had a life before us. You even say so yourself. He had a family. A family that might hurt him and us" "What's the story?" "He's had a Matt life" "Up" "that no one knows about, not even us" "Up. Lift your arms up" "What the hell for?!" I had my back to the stove 5 feet away, facing Raul and shoved my hands into my armpits. He patted the counter "so I can put you up here" "Oh I can do that" I opened the drawers underneath and climbed the faster than he could think "I don't want you following me around. I told you guys not to do that!!! Shut!!!" I thought my legs were super long and tri d my best to reach with my giant toe without falling off to shut the very bottom drawer which I had pulled out the farthest to build a staircase. He challenged me to shut them all or he could get hurt and fall on the ones left open, especially the bottom one, which had already happened. I slid off the counter "I'm sorry, I can't" but still shoved my hands into my armpits because I wanted to build the stairway. he picked me up anyways by pressing my arms to my sides and picking me up by my shoulders... He asked my dad later if it was safe to do so. My dad said as long as it didn't hurt. It didn't. A little cause my fists but we did it with hands flat or arks to the sides. It was easier for Raul. And we liked it because it was different. I did my daughter the same when she got too heavy for me. "The story. Which is it? The stairway or the boy? Cause I ain't listening to the stairway. I ain't I ain't. What's the matter with you anyway?" I listened the most out of all the kids I was most respectful and polite after Julie, anyways. And she was super good. "He hit Julie! He really wants us to know he's this Matt kid!!" "Same kid. And he did not hit Julie. Don't lie. I saw the whole thing" "Then what the hell did he do then?!?!" "He -- will you quit talking like that? I'm raising a hellion! Your dad is gonna think, what's he gonna say?!?! I don't talk like that!" "Yes you do!" "Oh I say dang" "And you say fuck and I've heard you say shit before" I counted on my fingers "and cum sucker, I think that's a bad one" Raul was getting red and shy "well me and my dad, we already talked" "When? What about what?!" "Last week!" "With you everything was last week--hey!! Cut that shit out!! Excuse me!" We went to rush off "don't move! Boy! Get him!" That's me. Taking care of my baby. Always me. Been taking care of kids since 1983. Raising them all and raising them all right. If people would just quit messing them up, I'd be alright. "We'll get me down!" Before he could that baby stormed the kitchen "I'm Matt!!" "Oh boy, you got something to say!" Raul picked him up and put him to my right side further from the stove and thank God, too. Because that boy was pissed off!!!! "I'm Matt. I'm Matt. She asked me last night. I waited all day to tell you. I'm Matt and I'm Matt hey again and I'm here to tell you" Raul was yelling for Julie because she got hurt her daddy didn't pick her up first. And he was yelling hard. "JULIE!!" Forcing the air from his chest. Matt got real subdue. Put his head down to his chest. I put my arm around his shoulders because his shoulders had healed first so when we slept I put my arm around his shoulders just under his neck so his neck didn't get stiff. And like Raul learned he was easier to control by grabbing the shoulders as oppose to arms cause he would dead weight, fall down and run off. "Hey, know me. It's okay. It's okay. No one is gonna hurt you" "I'll go get Julie" the brave but freightened child whom had missed his second birthday with family and friends because he was tired to a tree out in the swamp woods said as he spun and tried to slide down the counter like he does on the beds. About halfway down his eyes got big with surprise. He could not find the floor!! But the floor found him!! Boy fell flat on his back, his eyes rolled back in his he's and his eye lids flittered. "I'm dead. I'm dead! I'm dead for sure! This is it, I'm gone now" he repeated the words Jesse taught him, Jesse believing that those words would take the boys, kill him straight to death. I was absolutely amused. I couldn't hear him, he was muttering but Raul bent down to "hear his last words" (oh this is a knee slapper y'all) Eventually I got his embarrassed little self up "and Raul!!!" Boy got up yelling "you get in there and fix those blinds!!" At that moment I saw who he learned to yell from. I saw his father. His no non sense father whom shamed his son for anything he did wrong. Julie was peeking around the corner just as Raul fake bumped his head on the counter side. Then fell backwards "I can't!! I'm dead!! I'm dead!! I can't get up!!" Julie knelt besides him "I got this. You got and get the doctors kit" she told.me and looked down to her daddy as she pressed on his chest "now daddy, I want you alive now. Now come on" "Excuse" I stepped over Rauls legs leaving my baby behind as I exited the kitchen to the Julie's room "Now don't tell Mama, we don't want mama to worry. I got you now. You'll be alright" she bent to listen to his heart. "I will need the stethoscope" she looked into my baby's eyes "I'll get! I'll get!" Matt started to run off but stopped and held out his hand "I'll get this and I'm gonna get a momma. And you feed this blinds!!" He bent over Raul's 'limp and lifeless body' "You Hear? You Get them Blinds Fixed!!" Matt fretted. It was obvious that his father treated him the same way when he did something wrong. Like made a mess. And Matt had messed the blinds. So he fretted in shame and worry. He was scared. But he didn't show it He went in the bedroom. I was in my room, having just skirted in from Julie's room, not knowing where we played last. I was yelling down the hall "he's dead!! Everyone is dead!!" "Except you!" Said Julie's mom "and me! What are we gonna do about in here!! I need help" "I'm coming! I'm coming!!" Said my 4 year old self. Ready to take on and save the world... Not at the same time like I do now... Because I didn't believe that was possible. And I'm just barely learning it, 32 years later. "Hey you look at you alive now" I bent my knees to hug my shadow, because his back was so tore up I still don't hug him normal, just squeezed his arms to his shoulders. He took a huge breath like Raul was about to put him under water. I stood up quizical cause that was weird. We were In The bedroom. I was all wtf you He said "bend down to me" and pointed towards his ear and wiggled his hand a bit m. So I did. Like he was gone tell me secret. The he took a big ole breathe again so I stood up. "You okay? You getting asthma?" Hell no. This boy took a big ole breathe and he made his lips like a kiss with his puffed out cheeks and jumped up and kissed me!!!! I fell straight to the floor!!! Matt started jumping around like he made a touchdown on the football field. Raul came to the door soon "come on I'm dead in the kitchen, I gotta go get momma so she can see" Matt's eyes got huge "stay here!!" He put his hand out to me like a stop sign. I started to follow but Raul said if we wanted "the babies" to listen to us (me and Julie), we had to listen to them. So I sat down, cross-legged in the floor. Curious and tried to wait patiently, I was training my tummy not to get curious. It was only supposed to eat food, not thought. It had to slow down and be calm. So I was meditating, getting calm like when I would fall asleep trying to stay up so Denise could not barge in to get me while I was asleep. I had my head in my chest. "Well what'd you do?" Matt looked down at me. For once I was shorter than him. I jumped up and said "nothing I was waiting" His eyes lit up. "Sit down again!" "I was just waiting this time. My tummy" "Now lay" he had me by MY shoulders and was gently laying me back onto the floor the way Julie and I do him when we wanted to play girl stuff. My legs lifted so I could get my balance so I could jump up. But Raul said. To get him to listen, we had to listen but I also knew that we would time his real identity if we did... So I had tears seep out of my left eye. Raul came back to the door way and said "what you doing? Come on let's get up! I'm getting momma" "Didn't you just say that?!" I tried to get up to look after him. "No don't get up" he gently pushed me to the floor "shhhh. Now. She" he laid down next to me "now let's take a nap" before we would fall asleep we would talk. The night before he asked me who my mom was because I dditn call Julie's mom mom or by her name like I did Raul. I called her "Julie's mom" before the boys came I called her "your mom" "you" and "that other lady, the mom" that's why he messed the blinds. I had told him I used to look out the window for her. I didn't say she was bad but he knew. I told him what she drove. A twenty year old Mustang coupe. He had decided that he was gonna protect us and watch for her since we would not let him play. Okay so he eventually looked like a meth head tweaker.... 2 years old tweaking out the window. So we laid there. He didn't like Raul coming in the bedroom so he got up, closed and he locked the door. No one had ever done that but Jesse James and when he did he raped me and ripped apart my insides just like he did to Matt's back. I got sick. My tummy wanted to eat thoughts and alot of them!!! I started to hyperventilate. Matt just laid next to me on the carpet. He just barely laying on me. So I told myself to calm down. Jesse had never done that to me. "Now I love you" "I'm gonna be sick" Jesse and my mom told me that same thing. I was gonna be sick for real. i sat up. My baby jumped up and looked into my eyes. "Hey. I'm Matt. Know you too. Now lay down" he gently guided my shoulders to the carpet which texture bothered my skin which was unusual. "No one is going to hurt you" he put his hand flat on his chest like I did "now I'm Matt. "Right now, I'm I can't. My skin" I wiggled on the carpet, Trying not to feel like I was going to die. "I'll get you a blanket" he got up and got me a blanket and wrapped it around my shoulders and under my head. "You okay?" I had recognized that he was speaking to me and treating me like I did him. So my heart was very still and calm. I guess I felt the way that I made him feel. "Yes. Oh my God yes. I am thank you" I wiggled into the blanket like I had seen Julie's mom do when Raul helped her. I tried smiling like she did. It felt good m "I think I'm safe. I am.arent I?" .my baby looked into my eyes sadly. "Now I'm Matt. And I'm going to go away one day" he stayed seated on his ass and he held my hand. "your eyes got big. You look scared. You're gonna cry. I get that. I know. I woke you up while you were sleeping last night" he pointed to the bed angrily, then to the ceiling "good not good" he pointed to himself with his fist. His other hand wasn't holding mine anymore. It was pinning my hand down to the floor. "Hey! What are you doing?! Hey! I can't get up!!" He was leaning over me. One hand by my waist the other by my shoulder. And he was leaning towards my face. He sat back "hey I'm being romantic!!" I rolled around, thankful for freedom "you can't be romantic to me!! I'm your sister!!" I saw Raul had unlocked the door and told me "I'm right here. I'll be outside this door. Okay? You need me. Just yelled help" "Now Raul!!" Matt was obviously disturbed by the disruption. And was about to get up. I put my hand out, "no wait. Help!!! I need help!!!" Matt jumped back from me as if he had been burned. The light from the hall spilled into the bedroom. I laid back down and felt the air around me. "I'm okay. Thank you. I was just testing" I breathe led with relief. We talked about sex, ever since I had been there. Both Julie and I had been molested by Denise. So they had to set us straight about itm. And since then I had been raped while in their home and so had my baby, although that happened in the swamp. We were very open about everything m nothing was taboo m So Raul knew that we knew and Raul knew that maybe Ines just testing but maybe he should intervene. So he got down into the floor with us. "What are you trying to do?" Matt put his palm out "I'm, I love her and I'm trying to tell her I'll marry her" "Okay then tell her" Raul didn't mind at all. Not a bit. "I'm telling her. But you need. Get out get out Raul!!" He turned to me, barely two years old he is "I'm gonna marry you. I'm telling you. I will. Watch this" Raul had listened. And he left the door open and put the door stop in. "Leave it" and Matt had agreed to leave the door open and added "but don't come in" "And be gentle. Like I saidm gentleman only" I had a feeling that they already talked about this. And to my father as well. Matt turned to me and put his ear on my heart. "And you're okay. Now watch" he gently took my chin and turned it to the doorway. Julie and I always played until dinner. Raul would tell us the food was done and he would get her mom while we finished our story in our dollhouse. Then he would tell us that it was ready for us to eat. So I hadn't seen Raul help momma to the dining table in a long long time. I thought it was weird and kinda made me uncomfortable. But whatever. He used to take Julie to the table the same way and tried to take me but I really felt vulnerable and didn't like it. So iforgot about those early days But Matt was so gentle m my room was dark and the air was cool and the light was like a beacon. I watched skinny old Raul carry Julie's mom down the hall, through the opening. I started to get up. But Matt stuck out his hand and stopped me "Don't get up" "But I want to watch!! You told.me to! I'd rather be anywhere but here!" Some of a bitch if that boy didn't listen.n he tried to pick me up!!! Wtf!!! "No no no, you little boy!!" He puffed out his chest "but I'm a man!! I'm Matt hey again! And you'll see me again my love!" He went to take my hand. I started laughing!!! Thankfully Raul came again... "Raul! I'm not finished! Dinner can wait!!" "I'm dead in the kitchen, I keep telling you, Julie has to fix me." "No. Nu uh. You're in here! And get out!!" He put one hand near my knees then another near my neck "corm here my love" You know how some kids watch much tv? This one watched too much Raul. One day... Maybe... I'll finish the story... But right now... Nhra is coming on in 11 minutes. I have to pee again and I got some egg rolls to make for breakfast or lunch or dinner whatever it is maybe supper... I guess really tho.. no one is interested in a 32 year old story... They are wondering about the one now... The one that is the future. Not the past. I heard how the past repeated itself. That's why we have to learn history. So we don't repeat the bad parts. Sometimes people change ... Scary becomes good... Independence becomes a burden when loneliness takes over... or when someone really loves you....

#true love #Matt Hagan #2017 #amnesia #secrets #why I been quiet for over a year #my life

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